The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 226: In Them Guts

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: six drunk elephants in India are electrocuted to death, a couple in Florida get trapped in an unlocked closet for two days, and a woman trying to use a potato as an IUD ends up with roots in her vagina. Joining us today: Rae Sanni and Peggy O'Leary!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. It's a male cat. It's a male cat. All right, let's see.

I love your haircut. Oh, thanks, Ray. Yeah. Yeah. You've got the white woman who sleeps with black dudes haircut. Oh, my God. Yeah. You sure it's the haircut, not the body type?

Are you kidding me? No, it's the haircut. It's the haircut. It's not? Okay. I mean, it could be the body type, too, but, you know, it's the haircut. Definitely. Yeah, it's all of it.

I got all of it. She's got a Salt-N-Pepa from the 80s thing going on. Yeah, I do. I don't have the ass for it, but that's fine. No, you have a great ass, Jackie. I have no ass. Oh, give yourself some credit. All right.

I'm so bad in it. It's good. We haven't done this for two weeks, so I have no idea who's praying. I don't either. Ed? Ed, you're praying. Ed's praying. We're starting idea who's praying. I don't either. Ed? Ed, you're praying. Ed's praying. We're starting New Year's 2015.

Edward Larson, the first prayer of the great year 2015. All right. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. All right. Welcome to 2015. It's almost over already. Thank God.

I hate this year. I'm done with 2015. Oh, my God. It's been such a bad year. What's today? October? It's so long. That's not a day.

That's a month, Eddie. Numbers aren't letters, and letters are not numbers god well what is time anyway you know and this is how much molly did you take this morning i didn't take do i look like i wouldn't have be chipper if i took molly wouldn't i be in a good mood i'm pretty sure time is a flat circle time's a flat circle you just stole that from true detective is that what that is yeah all right well listen up guys if i can give you one piece of advice personal going yeah eddie why are you so upset why do you mean why am i so upset that well what do you mean what do i mean what do you mean i don't know i'm in a bad mood why i don't know sometimes you never wake up ben come on always wake up in a bad mood but you know what do? I turn it on. I am turning it on. This is you on?

I'm doing my best here, buddy. Yikes. You sound like you're working as a garbage man right now. Whoa. The name of the father and the son. All right. Welcome to the 2015 version of the Roundtable of Gentlemen. It's going to be angrier.

Very good. Everyone's here except for Kevin. That's fine. All right. Jackie, you're here. You have a haircut. Yeah, I got a haircut. Did you?

Not since you've seen me, nah. Oh, okay. It's just like new to some people. It's kind of fun. I don't have a hat on. It's kind of fun. I'm in pain. Why?

I feel like I've been so drunk for so many days in a row that my body is revolting. I'm a beaten down man as well. Is it alcohol? Is that the whole thing? You just been drinking too much? Stress, drinking. It's the holidays, man. It's got to end.

I'm so glad it's over. The one thing I know about the holidays is they've got to end at some point. If not, save all the money you didn't spend on the holidays. Buy yourself a gun. 2015. You have to kill yourself all the holidays do end. That's very true. Holdenators, ho!

How's it going, Holdenators? Oh, yeah. You're the lizard king. 2015. Give me some hoes on the chat, boys. I do have to say, there was a really good photo, a hold it in your photo, even though I'm not a huge fan. The lizard made out of nugs?

The marihuana? Yeah. It's pretty fucking great. Fucking lizard made out of nugs. So all you, get it out, girls and boys. We're going to have a good time this year, dressing up like clowns on Tuesday and robbing people. So we're going to be doing that

on Tuesdays from now on. You'll be ICP fans is what you're saying. A lot of lows in the group. In the hoes. Lows and hoes. Throw them bows you fucking idiots. Everybody stop listening to this podcast immediately. And where's our fucking European tour

Marcus? Which round table getting a glass gal for some fucking horse shit? We can't all fit on the same plane. It's impossible. When is that happening again? That's happening in March. Last podcast on the left. Going to England.

That's so exciting for you guys. Yes, it is. March 23rd through March 27th. Kevin Barnett isn't here, but we got to. Ray Sonny is sitting in. Yeah, woo! Yay! Ray, thank you. Ray, are you in a good mood at least? You got some sangria

running through your veins. I do. You just did Top Hat. That'll be out tomorrow. So you're ready and you're looking to do some humor. Yeah! Very good. And Peggy O'Leary is also here. Hi! Thank you for being here, Peggy.'Leary is also here. Hi.

Thank you for being here, Peggy. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Get that energy up. Peggy, you're also currently a former alcoholic, but now a current one. Yeah. I'm back on the wagon. Welcome back, girl.

Welcome back. 2015. Four days of doing Molly. There's no such thing as a former alcoholic. Unless you're dead. Even when you're not drinking, you're still an alcoholic. So she's the same person she was. But now she's more drunk.

She just found herself. Ed, can I call you dad? Do you want to call me dad? Yeah, I want to call you dad sometimes. I wonder if I can start hitting you. Jesus Christ. Man, Ray, so how many hours have you been with Ben Kissel? About an hour and a half, maybe.

Wow, that's rough. And you love me, Ray. I do love Benny. I do. I know it. His hair is all wavy and stuff. You've never waited on him, I guess. You've never waited on me either.

You know who's waiting? Me. Are you kidding? I asked for a goddamn beer. It's six inches away. You're making a bean burrito in the back for some random rat. Jesus Christ. I'm just kidding.

The service here at the Creek in the Cave is superb. And it's the best place around. This comes out on Monday, right? Yes. So tonight at the Creek at 7 p.m., I'm hosting a debate between Ted Alexandro and Curtis Sliwa. Come out to it. It's going to be about police and it's going to be a lot of yelling and it's going to be really fun.

Alright, Marcus, let's do a news story. A couple who were high on drugs spent two days believing they were trapped inside a janitor's closet, only to discover when the cops arrived that the closet had been open the whole time. I love it. This actually sounds like a super fun thing to do with your girlfriend. Just hang out in a closet doing a bunch of crack and meth for two days.

I call it the confessional. Yeah, that's true. This is very similar to a confessional. It's kind of sexy, though. Was there bleach and stuff in there? Well, Amber Campbell, 25, and John R. Wood, 31, called police after breaking into the Marine and Environmental Science Center at Daytona State College in Florida. Daytona State College in Florida?

Isn't that just called a prison? What the hell is that? When police arrived, a foul smell led them to the pair. They found human excrement and paraphernalia for smoking meth and crack cocaine inside the closet. When a police officer checked the closet door, he realized it had been open the whole time. The couple were freed and then immediately arrested for trespass. I have a question.

As someone who does neither crack nor meth. Why are you looking at me? You got meth face. What can I say? The eyes. No. Why does one need to do crack if one has already done meth? I was going to ask the same thing.

Don't they get you excited in the same way? I think, yeah. Similar. From what I've seen on TV. Right. Right? Yeah. Isn't it the same kind of crazy when you...

Who needs the crack and the meth? Well, Hunter and Thompson, but once you're on a bender, you push it to see how far you can go. Yeah. Also, you're like... you're supposed to say one and one. Like, maybe the boy was into crack and the girl was into whiskey. He says they're rolling. They change it up. They have their own specific taste. You're right there.

Like, I drink beer, but I have dated guys who like whiskey, you know? We'll sometimes share, but for the most part, I'm a beer girl and he's a whiskey. Yeah, right, right. Same thing. And meth is a much more lucid high than crack cocaine is. Like, you can go to work on meth. In fact, many people do.

Interesting. Are you talking about experience, Marcus? Yeah. Because if you're on coke, you can live a great life. But not on crack. I did. Oh, that's not true.

That's the myth of crack. Crack is just weaker coke. I think crack is at a bad rap for a very long time. New Jack City did that. Yeah, I hated the way that they represented crack cocaine in New Jack City. Oh, so you're saying crack is way worse. Crack is technically less powerful than coke.

It's actually better, theoretically. It's Diet Coke. Really? They should start calling it Diet Coke. It would do much better on the streets, I think. I'm sure less people are going to die of cancer if they've done a bunch of crack than if they actually it Diet Coke. It would do much better on the streets, I think. I'm sure less people are going to die of cancer if they've done a bunch of crack than if they actually drink Diet Coke. That's not true. Well, you know, I was convincing them.

I was buying it for a second there. Well, the long-term effects from crack cocaine include severe damage to the heart, liver, and kidneys. Users are more likely to have infectious diseases. Also not raising your kids, right? Also not raising your kids, yeah. And it leads to aggressive and paranoid behavior. Yeah. Well, naturally, but that's going to be with everything.

But that's every drug. Yeah. I actually think that these people did the public service, the community of public service, by just staying in the janitor's closet. It's true. Can you imagine how much worse they would have been if they went out to the delis and things like that?

I mean, they're cracked out of their minds staying in the closet. It's kind of nice. Yeah. Actually, they kind of did everyone a favor. But you know when you do like Molly or any of these speed drugs, you got to poop. You have to shit immediately. Gotta get that evil out. What is it, like a speed shit?

Speed shit. Speed shit. Oh, yeah. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah, you got to cleanse. So that bath. It is a pop, pop, pop. Coffee makes me shit.

It is a pop, pop, pop. Well, cleanse. So that bath, coffee makes me shit. Yeah, so you think how much... Think of how much cocaine would make people shit, right? That's right. And then cocaine with baking soda makes you monster shit, right? Monster shit. Cocaine's covered laxatives a lot as well. Oh, really?

Oh, really? Yeah, so that ain't helping nobody. Wait, does baking soda actually make you shit? Is that why people... Baby laxatives. Wait, does baking soda actually make you shit? Is that why? Baby laxatives. Wait, so what? So before laxatives make you poop, they make you feel the dopest ever? No, no.

It's just they kind of taste like Coke, I think. They're just trying to get more money out of their Coke. Daddy, what does Coke taste like? I'll show you, son. Good father. Father of the year, year 2015 Ned Larson well we got some we're live streaming

this right now of course and we've got a chat going a live chat we've got a meth user on here lock it up experts

I love that you guys get experts on this podcast this is fantastic I can't believe a meth user has the time to like get to a computer are you kidding all meth users have is time to get to a computer. Are you kidding? All meth

users have is time. They're up 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They're the 7-Eleven of human. They are great. Meth heads are salt of the earth. What's the meth head's name? The meth head's name is Gay Robert.

That sounds about right. That sounds about right. Meth is like a huge gay club, like rave scene. Oh, yeah. It's a big problem in the gay community. Yep. He said that he gets too emotional on meth. But he's addicted to it?

Well, he's done it. He says, I don't know. It just made me talk a lot. So what? The crack picked up his spirits? Like, what the fuck is he talking about? The crack probably makes you happier. Makes you happier.

I think meth makes you feel evil. Yeah, emotional is not, like, specific enough. Because emotional happy is, like, a great time. But emotional sad is just every time I drink wine. I think he means crying, right? He probably means crying. He says he's only done it twice. Oh. Gay Robert.

You're not a meth user. You're a meth dabbler. Aren't we happy he's only used it twice? I'm proud of you, Gay Robert. You're not a meth user. You're a meth dabbler. Aren't we happy he's only used it twice? I'm proud of you, Gay Robert. I'm proud of you. You can't call yourself a meth user, and you can't call yourself gay if you've only done it twice. That's right.

I agree. Gay Robert, you've got to change your name to Robert because you're not gay in my book, buddy. Two times meth once, you fucking touch a ball once. What makes you gay? Unbelievable. But, yeah, so this touch a ball once? What makes you gay? Unbelievable. But yeah, so I mean, this closet, this was a stinky hole. Oh, it was a horribly stinky hole.

They were using steel wool to smoke the crack in the meth. I didn't know that that was. Wait, time out. What is the process? I'll have to look up how you smoke meth with steel wool. If you put it in the nooks in the steel wool or whatever. Ask a Robert. Yeah, wool. Do you use that to wash dishes after that?

It's a perfect device if you want to smoke a bunch of crack or meth because obviously you want to clean when you're all speedy so you can just use the same thing that you smoked out of. I don't know what steel wool is. It's like SOS but more harsh. Yeah, steel wool pull.

The scrubby pads. That's what they compare black people's hair to. Yeah, still will pull. Oh, got it. Yeah, the scrubby pads. That's what they compare black people's hair to. Yeah, we call them space pussies. What's that? Space pussies. Why?

Now, when you light that, it wouldn't touch on fire? Yeah, because they're all woven around and there's a hole in the middle and you stretch it out and it's called a pussy but it's called metal

so you call it a space pussy. Got it. But wouldn't that, it wouldn't heat up if you lit that? It would probably get hot but it wouldn't heat up. They had to smoke out of it.

Not only does it heat up, but these people often inhale the Brillo, they use Brillo pads. They often inhale the Brillo pad while in the process of smoking crack. It's a crack thing. It's not a meth thing. It's a crack thing. Okay. So wait, it's steel wool, right? So it's metal.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's metal. So I'm just going to just take mad metal in my lungs and shit? Well, you know if I'm already smoking crack. So when they put it on top and like light it underneath so it all gets hot? It's used as a filter.

It's kind of like, you know, the pot screens. You know when you have screens that you put in bowls? They use the Brillo pad as a filter. Put the crack on top of the Brillo pad, put the Brillo pad into the pipe, and then smoke that. Why are you filtering meth? So it doesn't suck all the way through and you get it almost bang

for your buck. If you suck it all the way through and it goes down your throat, then you're not going to get this fucked up. Edward Larson. That was the happiest you've been the whole time was explaining that. Oh man, I just thought about them dying. Father of the year, Ed Larson

everybody. If you want him to go over to your house and take care of your kids, it'll be $19.50 an hour. That is perfect. Good job, Eddie. More than that. Is it? Why are you so upset with that number? I deserve a lot more than $19.50 an hour. You're teaching kids how to smoke meth.

$30 an hour. At least. $30? That's for least. 30 bucks? Yeah. To ruin a child? That's for one kid. So you got more kids, more money. $10 more an hour per kid. 15 more an hour per kid. 12 a kid.

12 a kid. I'll work this for you, Ed. Are you his agent? He's his meth nanny agent. What if they're connected? We're going to make a lot of money. What if the two, I have two kids, but they're connected? Like in the mafia?

Conjoined twins. Yeah, there's Siamese. Siamese twins? Yeah, they're connected at the foot and at the fucking ass. I mean, I'll kill them for you for $40 an hour. Yeah, yeah. I just want to turn one of them into a human elephant. Do you know any mad scientists?

Ooh, I've got an elephant story. Oh, sure. scientists. Ooh, I've got an elephant story. Oh, sure. Yeah. Six wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India. Nearly 40 elephants came to a village on

Friday looking for food. Some found beer which farmers ferment and keep in plastic and tin drums in their huts. They got drunk, uprooted a utility pole carrying power lines, and were electrocuted. Did they die? Oh yeah. All six of them. Way dead. All six elephants died from

electrocution? Looks like it. That's a lot of electricity. That's the most powerful electric pole ever. Did they turn brown? I don't know. Oh, I thought their skin got crispy. Yeah, like they get crispy. I would eat an elephant. Oh, you gotta be able to eat an elephant, especially if they electrocute themselves. I'd eat somebody on

death row. Would you? They die in the electric chair. It's gonna be like Fallen, though. It's gonna be like the time is on your side and then it gets into your brain and then their bad doings are gonna get inside of you. Right. Well, that's possible. Remember the Denzel Washington movie?

Speaking of crack. It opened when time is on your side. Does Denzel do movie? Yes. Speaking of crack. It opened when time is on its side. Does Denzel do crack? I don't think he's ever been... Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. All day, every day. He fucking loves crack. I mean, he's a good actor.

He's a very talented actor. I imagine he would have done it once or twice to get into a role, especially for training day or something like that. Sure. Once or twice. All day, every day, man. What's it, Gay Robert? It's not good.

Is Gay Robert Denzel Washington? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Makes sense. But Gay Robert does say that what makes him gay is the massive amount of cock that he's had in his ass. Okay. There you go.

That's a good sign of gay. That will do it. And he also says that he'd eat your ass, Ben. I love that. He also said he'd eat my ass. Oh, I like that. Why stop there, Gay Robert? He also said he'd eat my ass. I like that. Stop there, Gay Robert. Who's ass would he rather eat?

That's the big question for Gay Robert. I mean, imagine Gay Robert would want to eat Marcus' ass before Ben's. If he wants any advice from me... He doesn't want advice from you, Eddie. Gay Robert. He says he's white, but he loves black men.

Oh, okay. Does he have my haircut? Yeah. Well, good for him. I'm happy he enjoys that big black, you know, those big black personalities. His butthole must be very stretched out. Holy Lord.

Ask him how big it is. But let's move on. So these elephants just got wasted off a rice beer in India. I didn't realize that they made rice beer. Oh, yeah. So someone must have been super pissed when they found out the elephants got into their liquor supplies. That's the last animal you really wanted to get into your booths. And this was only six elephants out of 40 that ransacked this village.

Wow. And then they just went right for the good stuff. Only six of them drank? No, only six of them got electrocuted. But 40 drank? Yeah, 40 of them ransacked the entire village because their habitat is shrinking because of man encroaching on their own natural habitat.

So elephants are just running wild all over India, attacking villages looking for food. That's dope. That's the anti-gentrification protest. I was just going to say. It's elephants. It's elephants. Like, yo,

you coming into my jungle, I'm going to open your booze and drink that shit. That's amazing. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to Bed-Stuy and drink all the white people's beer. That's what the fuck

I'm going to do. Sorry, Marcus. Sorry, Marcus. What you're going to do, Ray, I have a feeling you've done right now. Sorry, Marcus. Sorry, Marcus. You're going to do it right. I have a feeling you've done it before. Very, very. But there's no electric fence. You just get stunned by the police.

Stunned. Well, that's what I'm happy about. When I heard the title, I thought that, like, the Chinamen had done it. I thought they electrocuted them to death for drinking their beer. The Chinese individual. It wasn't in China. It was in India. Well, it was rice beer, I just assumed.

But you said India multiple times. She didn't have any kind of bad slang for Indians, so she went with the Chinaman. No, it's fine. That's not bad. Chinaman's bad. Rice beer. We have this conversation once a month. It's just a different one every time.

I mean, I just still don't get it. It doesn't matter. Watch the big Lebowski. Wait, no, but seriously, do they use their trunks to lift lids? Yeah. That's really fucking dope. And now elephants are your favorite animal.

Right now, in this moment. I love elephants. I love dogs playing poker. I think this is adorable that they just went to a glorified bar, got trashed. Probably one was more attracted to an elephant than before. He was like, that's a big old hog, bitch. He got all drunk. He was like, oh man, Betsy looks real hot.

I'm sure there was some great stuff. Elephants got it hard, man. They got it hard. They never forget nothing. Everyone always knew that. Everyone always knew that, but ever since 9-11, people fucking... They forgot. They forgot because 9-11 took the elephant's logo. 9-11, people fucking... They forgot. They forgot. Because 9-11 took the elephant's logo. You know who did that?

9-11 took the elephant's logo. Ed Larson, 2015 Father of the Fucking Year. God, I can't wait for your kid to raise his hand in history class. So today we're discussing 9-11. Did you know my father told me that Never Forget was stolen from the elephants? I think that's what he said. He was currently face down in a fucking chicken stew after eight beers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what we call good times with dad. How did they get rid of the bodies? Of the elephants? Yeah. I don't know. Eat them, maybe. Right? I bet they could eat them. Do people eat elephants? I'm not sure. Of the elephants? Yeah. I don't know. Eat them, maybe. Right? I bet they could eat them.

Do people eat elephants? I'm not sure. Yeah, people eat elephants. But do the kind of elephants that drink booze have tusks? You sell some ivory, get some good shit off that. Well, this is so sad.

A thousand white rhinos were murdered last year for their tusk, and all they use it is for boner medication. Yep. It's due to things if you snort it

or if you take it, you get a rock-hard dick, and I don't think there's any evidence to prove it. But also, do you need to it or if you take it you get a rock hard dick and I don't think there's any evidence to prove it but also do you need to kill an animal to get its tusk well it's easier that way otherwise it's a huge animal that's going to kill you

good science I feel like it would be similar to pig right elephant? no because pig is all fun pig is all fat and meat yeah like elephants I think are actually very muscular. Yeah, they're really hard. Oh, I guess that's true.

But I don't know. I guess the skin to me seems similar. It seems difficult to get through. It is consumed primarily in African nations as a delicacy, but is also eaten during times of hardship, such as drought and war. You can't have it be a delicacy and something that you need when you're starving. We've talked about this before. I think we have.

Yeah, we've definitely talked about what elephant meat tastes like. I don't know. I'm not a fucking elephant. I didn't remember. Does it have a name like donkey meat is poopy? Does it have something fun like that? Wait, what? Donkey meat is what? It's called poopy.

Poopy. Yeah, it's called poopy. P-U-P-I. Oh. Poopy. It's like what you do in a closet when you do a bunch of meth and crack with your girlfriend. You take a big poopy. Oh, happy what you do in a closet when you do a bunch of meth and crack with your girlfriend. You take a big poopy. Oh, happy new year.

Happy new year, 2015. This is going to be a good year. I like odd numbers. My nadir's going to reach thousands. Thousands in numbers. Yeah, my nadir's. Ralph Nadir's? That's why I have a nickname now for the nickname.

Yeah, my holdenators are going to be a thousand strong this year. Your holdenators have aged a year and they're no longer going to be fans of yours. Because now they're 15. They're so young and fun. Yeah, guess what? Yeah. No, the Holdenators are amazing at making memes. Yeah, they're really good at it.

I also want to say, you know, they're real dumb. Well, that's a mean-spirited thing to say. Eddie, say the worst thought that you have on your head right now. We got to start getting it out. We got to massage this hatred out of your body right now. General mutilation. All right, very good. He's getting happier.

You feel happier? No. No. What about it? Like, pros or cons? I mean, it's all pros to me, baby. It's a con. But it is good. It's a con. But it is good.

It's a positive. That's positive. Best way, take a bunch of black cats, you know, shove them in an ass. That's how you get it done. Not black cats like the animal, like the firecracker. Yeah, of course. I used to do that to frogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all know that, Marcus. Yeah, but I don't think in genital mutilation you want the ass to get bigger. Don't you want everything to get smaller for the most part? Genital mutilation is when they cut the clitoris off of a woman in Afghanistan. That's when they make it really tight. Anything you do to genitals that's horrible. It's mostly East Africa, right? Yeah, it's mostly East Africa.

Dudes not want women to have a good time. I mean, fighting that clit, that's tough. They're scared that she's going to enjoy fucking. It's crazy that it's so hard to find. What, the clit? What, the clit? It's literally the first thing. It's crazy that it's so hard to find. What, the clit? It's literally the first thing. It's not that hard to find. Mine's huge. It's got balls attached to it.

I have one of the biggest clits around. All the girls tell me that I'm not a lesbian, even though I think I'm a woman. It's confusing. I have huge breasts. I totally want to make out with Ben right now. We're going to be the next Bill de Blasio and Charlene de Blasio. Saw him in the street yesterday.

You did. Two days ago. Really? Yeah, he was getting a haircut over at Astor Barbers. De Blasio what? De Blasio. How much does a haircut cost? $20.

$15. $15. It's horrible haircuts. Or at least I got a haircut there during the World Cup. The gentleman was not watching my hair. He was watching the World Cup. Well, that's your fault. It's my fault.

It was my fault. Don't go to a European barber during any sort of soccer or European football game. It's going to be there. You're going to know what's going to happen after 20 minutes. You're lucky he didn't etch the words Brazil in the back of your head. I would have been fine with that. Yeah, kind of cool. So he was at Astor Barbers,

Bill de Blasio, our mayor. He's my size, 6'7". He's a tall dude. Yeah. And what kind of haircut was he getting? I guess the one that he wore. The de Blasio. The de Blasio.

Yeah, we see all the time. It's the same haircut. Probably got a mohawk or anything. You think he says that when he sits down? I love the de Blasio. He also gets the de Blasio sandwich. The de Blasio. I feel like when you're, yeah, when you're de Blasio, you can pretty much just get the de Blasio. He also gets the de Blasio sandwich. The de Blasio. I feel like when you're

de Blasio, you can pretty much just get the de Blasio car and that's a sob. De Blasio's not even his real name. What is it? His dad was like German or something. And then his dad left the family. So he took his mom's new dude's Italian name.

His last name used to be Bad Mayor. So he had to change it. What? He's not even a guinea? He hasn't even been mayor long enough to be bad. I just thought that'd be a funny last name

for a mayor. Yeah, Bad Mayor. I don't even know. I don't know anything about politics. I hate politics. I don't read up on anything about politics.

He's still a guinea because his mom was. It's just his dad cracked up. He killed himself. I'm sorry, what's a guinea again? What are the guineas? Italian.

I can't remember. I'm sorry, I'm from Philly. I understood it exactly. I get my racial terms mixed up when it comes to guineas. Just let me know when you need some help. Peggy can say guinea. I can't say Chinaman, but that's fine. Yeah, I'm confused.

Guinea is an animal, so everyone can have a guinea. Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. But that's fine. Yeah, I'm confused. I'm totally wrong. Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. Everyone's representing. We're angry. I don't know why everyone's so angry in 2015. Thank you, Ray. I woke up great. We hit our nigga quotient.

All right. So these elephants are dead. They drank a bunch of rice beer and they ran into an electric fence. What's like a popular rice beer? I don't know. I mean. Sapporo. Yeah, Sapporo.

It's Sapporo. Okay. Yes. Because sake is made from rice, right? Yes, it is. Okay. Asahi too? Uh-huh.

Asahi. No, but sake is wine. It's wine. It's not beer. That's what I was wondering. As far as much better than rice milk, though, have you tried rice milk? No. Why?

It's so weird. Yuck, yuck, yuck. This is what happens when women start talking on the podcast. I just felt like I was on a terrible date. What? Yeah. Oh, what's with rice beer? Oh, and then there's rice wine?

Shut up. I'm done with you. Wait, Ben, I just, fuck you. I literally go, what's a popular rice beer? And you go, yes, what is it? You asked a woman. I'm done with it. No, I'm done with the whole thing.

You are a woman. Boosh, boosh. I'm done with it. Don't kill the giant. Ben's a secret father. I agree with the ladies. They should, you know, kill you. It doesn't matter.

I can't wait to die. The irony is I'll be smiling the ladies. They should, you know, kill you. It doesn't matter. I can't wait to die. The irony is I'll be smiling the whole goddamn time. You'll make the happiest I've ever been in my life with my death and then I'll still win. That should be the name of your first comedy album. The Happiest I've Ever Been. What happened, Marcus?

Marcus just pulled up. This is the first time this has ever happened in the five years we've been doing this podcast. It's that Marcus pulled up something that was so horrible he gasped, and when I looked at it, he turned it off. What? What was it? Was it child porn?

No, it wasn't. No, I was on the chat, and someone posted a link to a picture, a GIF, and so I clicked on it. General mutilation, right? It is general mutilation. Wait, no, no, no. You guys want it. Genital mutilation, right? It is genital mutilation. Wait, no, no. You guys want to see this?

I've never seen this. It's a different kind of genital mutilation. Thank you, Anyo. I won't do it. It's too early in 2015. I'm going to do half-eyes. Oh, it's fine. Oh, is it Ano that did it? It's a woman in heels.

She's stepping on a severed penis and balls. Yeah, but the penis is away from a man, so it Aino that did it? Yeah. It's a woman in heels. She's stepping on a severed penis and balls. Yeah, but the penis is away from a man, so it's not. Yeah, it's severed. I think he's on the other side. See, there's a floor here. There's some linoleum flooring here, and I think his penis is on the other side. No, I've seen stuff like this before. That's real blood.

And the guy's dick is bleeding. Wait, there's like a porn genre for cutting dicks off? For genital mutilation, yeah. You know what? Next time I'm not saying anything. Turn it off. It's fine, Eddie. It's fine.

Some guys like to get their balls stomped on by a chick in high heels. While it's separated from your body? Well, I guess Marcus made a good point. I think they carved a little hole in some linoleum. He put his dick and balls through it, and then I guess it's on the top of his chest that he gets his nuts stomped on. So that way he can lay down, but there's still a surface for her to stomp on

with the heels. I don't fully understand it, why that would feel erotic, you know? I mean, it just seems very painful. It's different strokes, man. I know, I'm not against it. You know, you do your thing. It's like people who like to get choked out, you know?

Yeah, I like to get choked out a little bit. Yeah, but getting choked out is a little bit different because it's a little bit more... I think it's more common than having your nuts stomped onto the point of blood coming out. Especially for you, Eddie. That would be a teaser. It's not the same. You're right. Wouldn't that should be popular in super religious

places? I bet so. Yeah. There's some Catholic. I bet so. Yeah. There's some Catholic stuff on my door. Eddie, the most negative thing on your mind right now? The most negative thing? I can't say it. Say it. Just keep going to something else.

All right. Well, you're not going to purge your anger if you don't get it out. That's all I'm saying. Oh, I'll get it out. Oh, my God. I'm scared of it right Oh, my God. I scared of Ed right now. I scared of Ed right now. You know what? Guys, I forgot.

I got to go somewhere. That's cool. You guys can get out of here. I just got to take care of something. Marcus, you got to come with us. You can't stay in here with Ed. No, Marcus got to stay. No, Marcus has to come with us.

No, I have to stay. I need a witness. I need an alibi. Marcus has got to. No, I have to stay. I need a witness. Marcus has got to report it. I want to stay. Yikes. Oh my God, you're trying to make Marcus the J to your odd nod and that is fucked up. I don't know what that means.

I will plead ignorance as well. So why'd you giggle? Because it just sounded funny. What does it mean though? Wait, have you guys not really haven't listened to Serial? No, what is Serial? Why? I feel like you guys would

have you heard? You're white people in New York. Why haven't you heard Serial? Oh no, I'm not saying that. That's what I'm saying. You gentrified Bed-Stuy and you haven't heard Serial

what's wrong with you but Marcus and Ben love fucking murder I've got my own murder to get into that's true I spend all day

in murder I don't need to go home and get more murder when I go home I watch Star Trek is Serial like an all white gang or something

no no no it's just like a fucking podcast about a crime that wasn't solved. Or was solved, but they think he's innocent. Whatever. Everyone pretended like

it was the first time a crime ever happened and it was discussed on a podcast. Serial sucks. You're so hater of it. The show sucked. You're so hater of it. And everything about it was terrible.

Ben is such a hater. He is. I just want to say, as a fan of Last Podcast, you can like Last Podcast and still watch Serial. And listen to it. Yes, you're right. I bet you can.

It's very boring to watch. But it's not as good. No, I'm just kidding. I'm sure Serial is a great podcast. You never heard it. So you're shitting on something. I'm not shitting on it. You're shitting on something you never heard.

No, I like Serial. I'm a big fan of it. My God, flip-flop it. Oh, my God. Flip-flopper. I don't mean anything. He's on his carry-on right now. He means kicks and Cheerios. Yeah, whatever.

All right. So the elephants are dead. The guy got his balls stomped on. Let's stay in India for our next story. Ugh, I hate India. Yeah, everyone does. That's not true. I hate India.

Why? Nothing good ever happens there. What is a slur for India? I mean Gandhi. Guptas. Guptas? You're just making that up. No, I'm just like racking my brain. I don't think I have one. No, they call them Pakis, but

Pakistani people are their own thing. They used to be part of India. They used to be part of India, right? Yeah. I think that one does work. Yeah, probably. All right, Jackie, what's a good racial slur for India? I already said it's dot heads.

I know, we missed it. What is it? Dot heads. That's what it is. Oh, dot heads. Yeah, you never learned it? Well, I just heard it. I just heard it.

That is what my parents actually refer to them as. Yeah. Dot heads. Oh, actually, Jay-Z has a line about that where he talks about in Girls, Girls, Girls, he's like, oh, this girl, I was dating this Indian chick, not Rhett Dot. She's feather. Oh, cool. Oh, yeah.

Well, they're both very beautiful. They're fucked up. It's fucked up. I mean, he's explaining what he is describing a lady. It also means that she's not married, right? Because when they have the. The bindi, is that what it is? Yeah, the bindi

means they're married. But then when it's like the gold kind of, you know, decal or whatever, that means she's married? I think so, yeah. I was thinking about this earlier today, actually.

I just really think there's no reason to go to India. Yeah, there's not. They have a bunch of money. There's some big casinos out there. There's a lot of restaurants.

Bollywood movies are the dopest. I had a co-worker who is Indian. He just got back from a trip to India, and he sat me down and talked to me about it. He was like, you should definitely go. You should definitely go sometime. I mean, it's crowded.

It's impossible to get anywhere. It stinks. As soon as you get off the airplane, the smell hits you in the face. But it's interesting to go just to learn how much, how worse it can be. I was like, why would I ever go? I will never go there. Also, gang rapes galore. Oh my God.

They just got a tourist. Yeah, a Japanese shorty, right? Yeah. Eddie, are you going over there? No,

no, no. You know, in India, it was, oh man, I used to have a joke that I liked

that I can't do anymore because it's too old. Oh, well, I guess it's apropos. Oh yeah, Life of Pi is about a boy with,

about a boy who's stuck on a boat with a tiger. But somehow in India, it's more dangerous to be a girl on a bus. That's a great joke. Yeah. Apropos. I don't know. Is that right?

That's fine. Apropos is correct for the. That's what I said, right? Well, don't question me, Ben. I'm not. No, I'm saying that's what apropos means. I've never heard you say it. Apropos means like correct for the situation, right, Marcus?

Something along that line. Did I use it? Did I use Apropos means like correct for the situation, right, Marcus? Yes. Did I use it? Did I use apropos apropos-ly? No, I don't think that's correct. That second time, well, yeah, I mean, either way, I'm happy. Good job, Eddie. You're happier every day. Marcus, what else did you look at?

I didn't look at anything. All right. 2015. Oh, my God. It's almost over already. Tick tock. Tick tock. You better get those Christmas presents. You better go buy some fucking presents.

363 days until Christmas. Oh my god. Or whatever. Whatever. Whatever. I don't know. Alright, so we can't do words or math. No math. I don't care. On this podcast. I'm done with it. Well, this is the other Indian story.

A woman's tongue was allegedly cut off by her neighbor in an Indian village for defecating in his field. Oh, my God. Yes, her name was Kusma Devi. Her tongue was cut in half on Friday by her neighbor to teach her a lesson, police said, and her husband has lodged a complaint against the neighbor. A little complaint. Yeah. A little complaint.ged a complaint against the neighbor. I lodged a complaint. A little complaint.

A little complaint. I don't like that. Fucking pussy. A little hand and a written letter. Nice. She can't suck his dick no more. Well, not as good.

And he's like, so I don't like that. Yeah. That's terrible. Well, depending on your technique, you could probably still suck a good dick. Yeah, get your nub in there.

Shit in the field and you cut off a... I mean, yeah. You can clean up shit. It's supposed to shit outside. Oh, good dick. Yeah, get your nub in there. Shit in a field? You cut off a... I mean, yeah. You can clean up shit. You can't get a new top. It's supposed to shit outside. Oh, good point. You know, that's where humans started shitting, was outside.

Well, it's a big problem in India, people shitting outside. In fact... Well, maybe they should get toilets. Well, that's another option. They actually released a video. They released a video that was all about shitting inside. It was like a rap video with a little talk in cartoon poop reminding people in India, Shut up, you're lying.

That's hysterical. I am not lying. I am not lying at all. Reminding people, hey, go shit inside. Don't shit outside. It smells. It's unsanitary. They're more comfortable with the fecal matter.

They're very German about the situation. They have individuals who literally spend their entire days in dookie fields underneath the city in the sewers. Yeah. So, you know,

poor Indian people, it's not necessarily an insane idea for them to go home literally covered in human dung. Well, I mean, it is because of the disease.

Well, right, but I'm saying it's not uncommon. I mean, that would just be there's going home like the mailman has, you know, paper cuts.

So what's the issue? Like, is there too many people is there too many people for the land yeah and I think they just never got their plumbing shit down yeah

they just haven't gotten around to it yet their plumbing system just never especially in the slums it's just a bunch of people packed into fucking huts with no toys

but like sometimes they could fashion a ball out of a rock or some shit like that and they got nothing are there no Indian people in the chat? Because I feel like we're saying a bunch of not nice, not true things. And there's nobody around to correct us.

I pray to God that I'm wrong. And I don't believe in God. No, the slums are huge. And we've all seen Slumdog Millionaire. They got big slums. Oh, yeah. And the poopy. And there's a bunch of poopy in that movie. I'll tell you what. Oh, yeah. I saw a movie. The slums are huge And we've all seen Slumdog Millionaire They got big slums Oh yeah And the poopy And there's a bunch of poopy

In that movie I'll tell you what Oh yeah I saw a movie So it's totally true I saw Born in the Brothels That was a documentary That was tough

That was horrible That was India? That was India Okay Yeah you know You're born You're sold to a pimp And he raises you

Until you're seven And then you start fucking Get sold off Wait Does your vagina even work that way? It's still a hole do a pimp and he raises you until you're seven and then you start fucking. Get sold off. Wait, does your vagina even work that way? It's still a hole. Hole's a hole.

Born in the brothels. Born in the brothels. Watch it, yeah. Nah, yo. If it grossed y'all out, I don't have it in me. It's a rough movie. I don't have it in me, y'all. I feel like they should've,

he should've just like cut one of her fingers off though Right It's like cutting his tongue off It's like That's like Well she probably gave him some lip Uh yeah

Cut off the lip Then why didn't he cut off her lip Yeah Cause she used the tongue To speak Uh yeah If you cut off the lip You can still speak

But if you cut off the tongue It is hard to cut off someone's tongue Yeah that's Oh my god It's a very strong muscle You gotta really get in there Well she beat Or he beat the fuck out of her first.

Yeah, she was probably out, right? Yeah, she was probably knocked out. She was probably out. Oh, my God. And the husband said he cut off half of her tongue. Fucking Jesus. Well, yeah, you can't get

the whole thing. That's hard. Yeah. Man, that's... This guy should be put... Nothing's gonna happen to this guy. Nope. Nothing's gonna fucking happen.

Well, he lodged a complaint. Yeah. So he's gonna get sassed by somebody. Oh, my God. No, this is exactly... I've never heard news from India Well, he lodged a complaint. So he's going to get sassed by somebody. No, this is exactly... I've never heard news from India that was pleasant. As soon as I start hearing pleasant news from India, that'll be nicer.

They've got cell phones. That's pleasant. Oh, yeah? You guys ever hear about the forest in India where all the tigers are constantly tripping balls because of the sewage runoff? And so no one can even... Wait, so like methane makes them high or something? Well, yeah, because the sewage runoff from this one plant and it's the water system for all the animals in that forest.

And so the tigers all drink the water and they're all insane. And they think the mortality rate of going into that jungle is 98%. I love it. Score one for the tigers. I want wildlife to come back and start murdering more and more people. I think it is in India. I know they're going to get me, but maybe I'll tame it with my

cuddling legs. It's like that snake island. I was reading about some of the most dangerous places on earth. There's this one island that's so infested with snakes you would literally get bitten like 30 times just like walking a few feet into the island. What do they eat? And they're incredibly poisonous snakes

too. I guess each other, plants. That's weird. I feel like you could survive that. Where is Snake Island, Marcus? It's in Brazil. It's 93 miles away from Sao Paulo. That's a major city in Brazil. So it would be like if there was a deadly island of snakes like 100 miles from Chicago.

Oh, like Rikers Island. Yeah. Could you imagine if they learned how to swim? That's a movie in the making right there. Snakes can swim. If they had some water moccasins. Wait, shut up for real. Yeah, water moccasins.

Water moccasins. Water what? Didn't you guys see Anaconda? Oh, yeah. I love An't you guys see Anaconda? Oh, yeah. I love Anaconda. Love Anaconda. Yeah, but I don't think I watched Anaconda

to learn if snakes swam, right? I just wanted to see J-Lo's titties and shit, right? Yeah, I wanted to know what the long kayaks, they're all scared and wet. I want to see what John Voight can do

to a big old snake. John Voight's one of my favorite actors of all time. He's great. He's great. Is he? Is he? I mean, he's a terrible human being, but he's a great actor. Jon Voight's one of my favorite actors of all time. He's great. He's great. Is he? Is he? I mean, he's a terrible human being,

but he's a great actor. Yeah, he's awful to his... No, he's awful to his daughter. Why? He's annoying. Yeah, he's terrible. She doesn't talk to him because when... Oh, my God.

Oh, what a rough life Angelina Jolie has had. You don't know that? Yeah, he cheated on her mom constantly. Did you see her mom? Name a person who hasn't had that happen to them. Yeah, not even me, yo. My daddy be in them guts, man. This is so gross.

My daddy be in them guts. Ray Sonny's father story or Ted Bundy's. This Snake Island place is insane. There are one to five snakes per square meter. Wow. And all of those snakes are pit vipers called the golden lance head. They kill you immediately. Yeah.

And there was a story of like a family that went there and there's a lighthouse in the middle. Yes, there's a. And they realized that the place was, I mean, there's literally a snake per square foot. There's like 10 snakes and they're all deadly. And so like they literally tried to run out of the island from the lighthouse and they just, they just got bit all the way through until they died about halfway to the boat. How did they get there in the first place? I can't remember.

I think it happened maybe while they were living there in the infestation or something. So then they tried to get out. I forget the story, but it's insane. Why would they call for help? Was there something? Old timey story. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Was there a specific reason the snakes all chose to go hang out there?

Or just... Evolution, man. It's just the way it works. Yeah, about it. Snake Island. Wait, do snakes even like to eat people? I feel like that's not a thing. Not really.

Like, those predators don't really like to eat us or whatever. But also, if there's that many snakes, and you're running through all those fucking snakes, you're going to step on some. They're hanging. You're going to attack. They really like to eat us. But also, if there's that many snakes and you're running through all those fucking snakes, you're going to step on some. They're hanging. You're hanging from trees. They're going to be mad. I'm surprised that they would even, you know what I'm saying? They're just like, yeah, yeah.

Like, why wouldn't they? Because they're not attracted to us. Because you're just in there. You're disrupting. They're literally hanging from trees. Oh, yeah. That's what happened to that lighthouse family. The snakes started falling from trees and fucking them up.

And just biting into the next. There's just so many. They're everywhere. Man. Whoa. Crazy. Look it up. It's crazy.

That's a good way to go out, though. That'd be like, you know what? Fuck it. I don't want to live anymore. I'm going out to Snake Island. Yeah. Really? That's hella painful, yo.

But I bet it's so beautiful on Snake Island. It's so beautiful. That's nice. I don't want to die here, you know? That's true. painful, yo. But I bet it's so beautiful on Snake Island. It's so beautiful. That's nice. I don't want to die here, you know? A basement in Queens? No! Get a snake to get in my neck, yo. You would have to trip a little bit, I think, with the venom at some point, right?

You would get kind of euphoric. It can't be the worst way to die. True. Oh my God, what if snakes had heroin in their fucking teeth? Yeah. That's what killed Kurt Cobain. Yep.

No one killed him. Snake pulled heroin. That's the old snake. The snake had a shotgun. Cleopatra. The ass with the heroin got Cleopatra, yeah. No one's talking about him.

This is the effect of the pit viper, this type of pit viper's venom, swelling, local pain, nausea and vomiting, blood blisters, bruising, blood in the vomit and urine, intestinal bleeding, kidney failure, hemorrhage in the brain, and severe necrosis of the muscular tissue. Still beautiful, Jackie? Never go to Snake Island. That's going to be what I'm going to tell the first lesson I teach my kids.

If you're ever in Brazil, do not go to Snake Island. That's going to be what I'm going to tell the first lesson I teach my kids. If you're ever in Brazil, do not go to Snake Island. But it sounds like so much fun. They got to name it something different. They have to name it. I think it has a different name. I mean, Snake Island sounds like a great place to go. We would all go there. If we were in Brazil and we hadn't had Google and someone told us a tale of Snake Island,

we'd be like, oh, all right, let's take a boat, you know, or whatever you got to do to get out there. Yeah, you got to take a boat out there. It's not a large island. No, it's not. And it has one lighthouse in the center of it. It's called Ilha de Queimada Grande, which means Big Snake Island. Just Snake Island is catchier. Is it that the island is big and full of snakes or is it big snakes are on the island?

Big snakes are on the island. It's an important distinction. It's an important distinction. Very important distinction. I'm glad you asked. I want to see that fucking movie, right? Because then they get to the lighthouse and there's like a giant snake in the lighthouse.

Why did you write that script, yo? I think I might. We haven't had a good snake movie in a while. I mean, my girlfriend's horrified of snakes, so that might affect things negatively. Your girlfriend really is. She hates it. It's so crazy. There was rubber snakes and pictures of snakes. There was a rubber snake

in the house that might have been used for a murder sketch or some sort of prop. I remember I made fun of your girlfriend with it, and I didn't realize how serious it was. He made fun of your girlfriend and you didn't punch him in the face? Well, no. I mean, something similar happened. It was like, no, you can't. And I was like, but I thought it was a rubber snake.

Yeah, right. Like you can't. Oh, even if it's like a cartoon snake or like anything. Every time someone makes fun of a girlfriend doesn't mean you got to cause violence. No, I mean, sometimes you don't know what the. Is that why I'm single? I feel like. How many men have you gotten killed like in a club?

Someone pronounced my name wrong. Fuck them all. Oh, that's the worst. That's the worst. My name ain't Rah-ee. Actually, my first name is Rafat.

So, yeah. Ed, if we're dating and somebody calls me Rafat, you gotta get a box cutter. That's what it is. Good, I'm in love. Roundtable is always bringing people together. Oh man, what's this, Marcus?

I've got a picture here. This is what a pit viper bite looks like. This is what it does to your arm. It looks like the bump head. Is that a hand or a foot? That's a hand. The person covered in bumps that the Pope kissed, it looks very, very similar. Boo-boes.

Covered in boo-boes. So can you imagine just 20 of those just in two seconds trying to run to the boat from the lighthouse? No way. Nightmare. Thanks to Chris for that. Now, could you like pop those bubbles? What would happen?

You could totally pop it. I think they're full of toxin. Oh, they'd be full of poison. Yeah, I think it'd be very bad. I think you want to Chris for that. Now, could you like pop those bubbles? You could totally pop it. I think they're full of toxin. Oh, they'd be full of poison. I think it'd be very bad. I think you want to leave them alone. Yeah. Yeah. Or you could suck it out, right?

Like, is that what they do with snake bites? You could also suck it out, yeah. You could suck it out and spit it out. But you've got to do that instantly. And try not to die yourself, right? Yeah, you've got to do it instantly. As soon as they get snake bit, you've got to suck it out and spit it out. It's very risky.

And the two of you could die. Both of you could die. Both of you could end up dying. Did you get any run-ins with any snakes in Texas, Marcus? Of course you did. Constantly. Yeah, it's Texas. He lives in the middle of fucking nowhere.

There's rattlesnakes everywhere. Yes, Steve Austin. Austin? Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh, Stone Cold Steve Austin. W-W-E. Texas rattlesnake. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

W-W-S. No, rattlesnakes fucking everywhere, man. Did you deal with any bites or anybody you know deal with any actual bites? I've never known anyone to get a bite.

Wait, so y'all just see them? They fuck with horses a lot. Oh, okay. So they just like chill or whatever. They're just anywhere. So they respect the boundary between people and snakes, right?

No. Like they not trying to gentrify your house. Yes, they are. Yes, they are. Yes, the snakes are trying to gentrify the house. Yes, they are. Yes, they are. Yes, the snakes are trying to gentrify the house.

Yes, they are. Not everything is a metaphor for gentrification. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling so black today. Does that mean

that Mexicans are gentrifying Texas? Oh, yeah. No, because Texas was their shit before we took it. A long time ago. Don't even go anywhere.

It was fucking Indians before theirs. They can't lay claim on it. The history of the United States is constant justification. The snakes before the Indians. Think about it, people. Snakes before the Indians. Marcus, what's another story?

All right, let's see here. Shocked medical staff in a clinic in the central Colombian town of Honda have discovered a potato growing inside a patient's vagina. Oh, my God. I made a joke like that about Amber, and it's real. The bizarre phenomenon was discovered when doctors attended a 22-year-old woman complaining of abdominal pains this week. The embarrassed young woman explained that she had been advised by her mother to insert a potato into her vagina as a means of avoiding unwanted pregnancy. After leaving the potato in place for around two weeks, she began to experience intense pain in her lower abdomen.

The potato had germinated and grown roots inside the lady's private parts. Yeah, of course it did. It's a hot, moist place. It's perfect for potato. Makes sense. But wait, why didn't she just take it out when she finished fucking?

I don't know if she even had sex. She thought that she needed to have it in all the time. Kind of like an IUD. I'll tell you one thing. I would tell you one thing Potato, the original IUD I would really appreciate it I think that's still happening today But I would appreciate it If you go down in a gallon, she's got little fruits and vegetables

For you to nibble on down there Potato's not a vegetable What is it? It's a I know this, it's a legume down in a gallon. She's got little fruits and vegetables for you to nibble on down there. Potato's not a vegetable. Whatever. I said fruit. It's a... No, let me know. I know this. It's a legume. Starch. It's a starch. Yeah, but that's not a... No, right? I don't know. So you make it shut up.

Yeah. He's making shit up. You never know when I'm telling the truth or not. A nice beef stew or a piece of pizza. Women need to start treating their pussies more like little raviolis. Jam something in there so when you go down on them, you have something to actually eat. Stuffed.

Tuber. It's a tuber. It's a tuber. You know, some would say if you're good at going down there, it is a little ravioli. There is a little cream filling. Yeah. Honestly, if it was you and Eddie, I would fuck Eddie.

Oh my God. I would. I'm going to suck his face. It is so gross. I've never been more turned off by a woman's description of a vagina in my life.

That's hilarious. Come on, Ben. No, I'm not. You piece of shit. I'm not going to come on your tits. I'm not going to come near anything.

It doesn't matter. Either way, it would be rape if it was me or you that Ben was going after. It would be? Yeah. Oh, please. That's disgusting. Don't rape me, Ben. Ricotta cheese.

Okay, Ed. 2015, what happened? Oh, yeah, Ben raped Ed. They stopped doing the podcast. I feel like we would still probably do the podcast. There would be like a moment where I'm like, well, how you feeling, Ed? There would just have to be like a glass wall between us. Right.

Yeah, the round table of rape survivors and shit. It'd be great. We should all go out and get raped this year. And then, you know, we'll have more to talk about. 2015. We need more experiences. That's a good point. Wait, what would you penetrate?

His mouth or his butthole? With Edward? If I was forced to rape him? You better take that butt, baby. He's going to bite you. He's going to bite you if you go for the mouth. Even with the gun to your head. What? He's got a gun to your head. He's going to bite you. He's going to bite you if you go for the mouth. Even with the gun to your head. He's got a gun to your head.

He's going for the mouth. Once you're forced into it, you might as well shoot me. Fair enough. Good point, Eddie. Good point. Treat him like a horse who broke an ankle at a goddamn derby. Shoot him in the head. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely.

New Year's resolutions. Oh. You gotta do two. Two? Why? No, you only do one New Year's resolution. And technically this whole game is flawed because if you say your New Year's resolution out loud, it can't come true. Alright, we're doing it.

That's not the truth. No, I. All right, we're doing it. It can't come true. That's not like birthday wishes. It's up to you to make your resolution true or not. No, I'm telling you. That's not the truth. That is the truth. That's a birthday wish. No.

If you say the wish on the birthday. That's just Ben coming up with a reason for why he doesn't have to tell people he's going to the gym. Thank you, man. That's really fucked up. I will start. I'm finally going to go to the doctor, get the barrage of tests, and find out what I am.

Doing it for my naders. Doing it for my ho-boys, which is another name for my holdenaders. My ho-boys. You can say it too, Ed. Give it up to the ho-boys. If you ever want to say that, help me out with my fan club.

I hate you. What's the second one, fuckface? to the Ho Boys. If you ever want to say that, help me out with my fan club. I hate you. What's the second one, fuckface? We're doing one. We're doing one. User Kissel for President, that's his username. He said, my New Year's resolution is to destroy the Holden Nation. Interesting. I see Ben texting over there.

I think he might be typing up on the chat. He might be putting stuff on the chat. He said, Holden's voice is sonic cancer. This guy's funny, man. I like Kissel for president. Kissel for president. He's a flip-flopper. Why do you want him to be president?

I don't understand. That makes for a good president. What's your New Year's resolution? New Year's resolution. Stop talking on your phone as much? Oh. We ain't on video. Why are you calling me out?

Why are you calling me out? Ray was texting. She wasn't texting. She was checking her Facebook. You were checking Facebook? That's even worse. Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing.

So, Ray, what are we doing this 2015? I am going to get bigger tits without paying for surgery or getting pregnant. How are you going to do that? I don't fucking know. I have a year to figure out. I'll date you. Stretch them out. Stretch them out?

Yeah. You have to do sweater exercises, right? No, you hire someone to pull on them a bunch. Ed is up for the job. You tie a rope around him and you slam the door. I will say, the only thing Eddie actually... I want sexy titties, though. I don't want to get through the door slammed on the door titties.

If a girl showed up to your apartment with slammed on the door titties, you would be so mad I wouldn't be I wouldn't be you would be so mad I love slammed on the door titties and my new year's

resolution is to get Ray's titties bigger I'm gonna do it I'm gonna be the guy alright so we gotta oh look at you you're such a gentleman

Benny thank you Ray alright no I would say how are you gonna do? To get her titties bigger? Yeah. Just keep feeding her and feeding her and feeding her. But she said she don't want to get fat. Oh.

Let's see. I guess I'd probably prop them up with old DVDs or something. I don't know. I don't know what to do with them. That's always your way to get anything done. Yeah, just prop it up. Just prop it up with old DVDs.

I need a new job. Oh, just prop your old one up with a bunch of old DVDs. Let's see. New Year's resolution. I would like to... Your resolve. What would I... Weight.

There's so many things. Oh, I'm always too fat. But that's like constant. There's... Terrible body. Career. There's... Well, career, obviously. But these things are sort of out of your control. You've got a European vacation.

You're looking good. Everyone in the room is working extremely hard with that, but that's kind of out of our control. I'm going to read a book. Oh, good. You haven't read a book in a very long time. I don't know how. I'm going to learn to read, and then I'm going to read a book. Do you know what book it's going to be yet?

I want it recommended to me but I feel like it's obviously it's not so comical but I think that would make it good. Maybe a history book. A history book, yeah. Read Killing Lincoln. Read Bill O'Reilly. Bill O'Reilly? I'm going to read every one of Bill O'Reilly's

books. Okay. That's my New Year's resolution. I'll get back to you. He's just resolved to commit suicide. All right. Me? My resolution, I named it, granted I was high on Molly, but 2015 is the year that I eat box and have a threesome. Okay.

You need some pussy this year. You can fucking do it. That's great. I'm getting raised tits bigger if you want to get in on that with us. I'm down with that. Sure. You know what? You can take care of both of those things in one fell swoop.

One night. You can do both of them. You're right. I know some lesbians. I can, you know, just give me a resume. Pass them along? Yeah. On your resume?

Yeah, an headshot. Wait, but Peggy. How many references? You don't have any references. It's fine. No, I know, but I've made it out with girls. I just have never... There you go.

But here's the thing. This is the thing, because I've done something similar where I've decided, okay, I'm going to eat box and I'm going to bang a shorty with a dude present, right? Now, do you want that dude to be your dude or is it gonna be a random dude cause if it's your dude it's a mistake unless you make sure they

never exchanged information 2015 is the year of single Peggy her box is on the loose and I had boyfriends fuck that shit I am single and drunk and eating box finally And boyfriends, fuck that shit. I am single and drunk and eating box. Well, that's great. Finally.

2015. 2015 Peggy is my favorite Peggy. Man, you're going to have a fucking great year. There's no way that this is going to go wrong. There's no way that it's going to be a nightmare, Peggy. No way at all. Jackie? I think I want to buy one of those.

Eating box is taken. Yeah, well, I've already done it. It's been my resolution. I've done it. I've been there, done that. This is what I do to the pewter rings. You can't say that one either. I think I need to get one of those funnel systems that you shove up inside your vagina with the tube

so that I never have to, like, pee sitting down ever again. So that, like, I can just, like, pee into a cup into a cup if I'm on a road trip. Or if I'm sitting right here. Right now, I have to pee really bad. And I can just pee into my empty cicada right here. But that would be a little bit disturbing, though. I mean, technically, all the males here could do that similar thing.

Yeah, but my dick wouldn't be out. My funnel would be out. Important distinction. And your pee. The pee's fine. They're used. I've seen all their houses. Eddie?

Ah, man. See, I sat here, and I couldn't think of anything. Own a monkey. I thought that was just immediately. No, I'm not responsible enough to own a monkey. I can't do that. There was a great video of this woman who signed that she had lost a child to a monkey. Did you see it?

It was on YouTube, and the monkey touched her tummy, and it was very sad. Anyway, monkeys are great. You would do great with a monkey. Maybe just play with a monkey. Okay. Maybe that day. This year, maybe I'll finally meet and befriend a monkey. You know what you should do?

You should learn sign language first. Or just make that noise, and you just spoke a monkey's accent. That means hello, I'm your friend. Ed's going to talk to a monkey this year. I'm going to have my meat, hug, hold hands with a monkey, I'm going to play games with a monkey this year. My cousin's trying to be a zoologist

so I feel like I can pull this off. That's great. That's huge. So I'm going to have some monkey time this year. This is great for me. Fantastic. Alright, well. So I'm going to have some monkey time this year. Yeah. This would be great. This is great for me. Fantastic. All right. Well, we've got Befriend a Monkey.

We have a Jackie Hazard situation. Marcus, whose New Year's resolution will be completed? Oh, yeah, that's right. It's actually the possibility. Oh, whose will actually be completed? It can be more than one, but you're the judge and juror. What was yours again, Holger? If you have a resolution. He wants to find out what he is.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Go to the doctor. Find out what I am. But you don't have health insurance, right What was yours again, Holger? If you have a resolution. He wants to find out what he is. Yeah. Oh, wow. Go to the doctor. Find out what I am. But you don't have health insurance, right? I do have health insurance, sir. Look at you. Get your Obama care on you.

I got that shit going. All right. Well, you're not going to find out what you are this year. I don't think you're going to do it. I don't think. I think you like the mystery. I do like the mystery. I agree.

Ray? What is that slime? Your tits might get bigger might might could but i think you're gonna have to get pregnant or pay for it pregnant or pay for it is the newest show on mtv ben i do believe you will read a book this year thank you very much but i don't think you're gonna read all of bill o'reilly. He has a lot of kids. He's got some deep cuts, too. Once he did in college.

Once he wrote in college, I'm a big fun liberal, and Kiss the Boy, that was fun. He's got those old ones that he wrote before he became the Bill O'Reilly that we know. You know? Yeah, definitely.

Your life might take a really bizarre turn this year, than we know. Yeah, definitely. Your life might take a really bizarre turn this year, which might end up with you playing with a monkey. See, what I think is, I just gotta get a season pass to a zoo and just be cool all the time, and I'm eventually gonna get to play with a monkey. You gotta go at least

once a week, though. You got to know everybody's names at that zoo. Yeah, and you also got to find what monkey could possibly like me, remember me,

if you don't want to hang out. Yeah, you've got to be the most responsible monkey intern that zoo's ever seen. I also can't be the weird guy at the zoo.

I was like, oh, he's at the zoo a lot. What's wrong with him? That's the problem. But that's the thing, how are you going to be a monkey intern without creeping somebody out? I'm not going to be an intern. I'm just going to be at the zoo a lot. You know, what's wrong with them? That's the problem. But that's the thing, how are you going to be a monkey intern without creeping somebody out?

I'm not going to be an intern. I'm just going to be at the zoo a lot. So if I'm at the zoo, I've got to figure out what a good excuse for me to go to the zoo a lot. Maybe my dying family member

is like, do me a favor. Go to the zoo. All year. If I wanted to do one thing before I died, it's to spend a year at a zoo. All right.

That's my story. Yeah. And I think you could do it. What you do is you go, you make friends, you get invited to the Christmas party. Weird things happen at Christmas parties. I ask a lot of good questions. You ask great questions. And you can also finagle your way into possibly a monkey touch situation.

All right. Don't call it that. Yeah, monkey touch does sound a little bit like that. A little suspect. That's hysterical. Well, Peggy and Jackie both went to go take a piss. Right. Peggy.

So they're disqualified. They're disqualified. Yeah, absolutely. Peggy wanted a threesome And she wanted to And she wanted to eat box Yeah Hers is definitely

The most realistic Yeah she's hot She could do that tomorrow She really tried Absolutely Yeah but I think she wants to Like have a threesome

With people she's attracted to Anybody can fuck anybody right I think we gotta factor In the drinking She's gonna pass out When she gets in this situation It's gonna almost happen Then she's going to pass out. Oh, yeah. She's going to be getting Irish

drunk a lot. Especially drunk, she's going to be like, oh, fuck, I'm eating box, I'm going to get hammered. And then she's going to pass out. We're talking about your prospects. We're talking about you and possibly eating pussy, but we're worried that your Irish blood might

not get you there. Yep, Irish blood, Irish tongue. See, Marcus is deciding whose resolution will actually come true at this point. Okay, so wait, why? Because I'll feel guilty if I need a bath? No, no, no. You get too wasted to get there. You'll pass out right next to the box, but you won't be in it.

Oh, no. You've got to be in it. No, no, no. I've never passed out during sex. That's never happened. Really? It wakes me the fuck up. Oh, no. You've got to be in it. No, no, no, no. I've never passed out during sex. That's never happened. Really? It wakes me the fuck up. Alright, well yours is, I would say, the most likely to happen this year. Peggy wins. There you go.

I can't wait. She won. And there's going to be a lucky lady out there getting licked on by Irish baby. You know what? Your sarcasm is really fucked up. No, it's not sarcastic. That was nice. I was nice. I've known him for a long time. That's the nicest he can be.

You asked the thing. He sounds as good as he gets. Why does the best version of Ben sound so disingenuous? We don't know. I don't know. We don't know, but we've all known him long enough

to know that he was being sincere to him. If anyone needs anything, they can come to me. Everybody knows it. I'm the best friend. So many times I've had to be like, no, he wasn't being sincere. If anyone needs anything, they can come to me. Everybody knows it. I'm the best friend. So many times I've had to be like, no, he wasn't being mean. It's just the weird cadence of his speech. That's ridiculous, Ed.

So who taught you to talk like a liar? Who did that? Leave it alone. Was it your Nazi grandfather? No, because they don't lie. They told everyone just what they were doing. I would say you can't say the Nazis didn't tell everyone

what they thought. Alright, everyone. Let's do a Twitter thing. Go follow Murder Fist on Twitter and follow What's Next Ad and Jack the Worm and Ray Sonny and Marcus Parks. Is it at Ray Sonny? It's at Ray Sonny, but my handle is Thought Bayo. No? It's at Ray Sonny, but my handle is Thought Bayo.

At Thought Bayo? No, it's at Ray Sonny, but it'll show up as Thought Bayo. Okay, and spell your name because they need it. Smell your African nigger name. I am a nigger. Jesus, reading thoughts now. Whoa. Whoa.

Oh, my God. Miss Cleo over here. No, Miss Cleo was proven to be wrong. Because they don't lie. It's Rae, Sani, R-A-E-S-A-N-I. Awesome. All right. And Peggy, listen to Hard, Lonely, and Vicious on Give Comedy Radio. And you're what? What's your Twitter thing? At Peggy listen to Hard Lonely and Vicious on TV Comedy Radio

and you're what what's your Twitter thing at Peggy O'Leary and you do shows at the Creek all the time what's the next one my next one

is on Saturday it's January 10th at 8 o'clock it's Hard Lonely and Vicious it's my show nice yeah

and who's on it we have Taylor Ketchum and we have, I can't remember. All the stars. All the stars are going to be there. All the Greek stars. All the Greek stars. And you have a podcast too, right?

Yeah, I have the Three Inegros podcast. I do it in Neruda. By the way, everyone bitches about fucking white people taking black culture. How about you guys taking Three Inegros? Yeah. What the fuck? That's the white people we need. No, You took it from Mexicans and you mad? You guys stole it from us?

We took it first. Did we take my little butter cup from anybody? No, that was fucking ours. We made that. We wrote it. It's ours. If you want to break it down, the movie was the actual plot was stolen from the Japanese. Oh, did not know that.

So this is just like layers upon layers of people being fucked up to the original. People are sharing. Oh, sharing. Saturday at 11. Well, I'm black and I like having grievances. And so it's the Three New Girls podcast. We have a monthly show. Our next one is January 31st at Revival Bar.

Please come out Saturday. Cool. That's great. Please come out Saturday. Cool. That's great. Next Saturday, Murder Fist. Tomorrow, again, it's going to be Ted Alexander talking to Curtis Sliwa at 7 p.m. here at the Creek. It'll be a very fun debate, and they're going to yell at each other. All right.

Ted is too cool to yell. I know he is. He's going to be like, well, I think it's messed up that you think that, but here are facts. Right, right. That's what he's going to do. It's kind of nice. Yeah, it's kind of aggravating, though, too, because sometimes a good fight is good.

Yeah, sometimes you want to get hyped, but Ted is just going to think. It's kind of nice. Yeah, it's kind of aggravating, though, too, because sometimes a good fight is good. Yeah, like sometimes you want to get hyped, but Ted is just going to think very thoughtfully. Right. You've got to drive the person nuts. And then rub his beard, his 5 o'clock shadow, but he's perfected. All right, everyone, we'll talk to you soon. Listen to Brighter Side and all the other shows here,

Top Hat and everything that Holden does. Holden says, yeah, Holden talks for 30 minutes. Coming out in June. Coming out in June in 2015. Oh, God. All right. Goodbye, everybody. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.