The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 227: Taken 4 - Granted

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a Danish teacher threatens to cut off the penises of two small boys for forgetting Santa hats, a woman in China actually cuts off her husband's penis, twice, and a camel kills two in Texas. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the hour. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. But FDR personally called them up on the phone and said, you know what?

I want to see this made. I'm in a wheelchair. I want to make it happen. Yeah. And he forced them to do it. That's awesome. Yeah, FDR gave him a pep talk. Yeah.

That's great. Well, we're ready to go, and I think Henry should do the prayer today. Okay, tell your audience on Holden. Because you prayed last week, remember? Did I? Oh, okay. Then we got Marcus. Yeah, I know.

That's why Henry should do it this week. Oh, yeah, that's right. Marcus prays. Marcus will do it next week. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marcus will do it next week. Unprepared. That's awesome. It's fine. Marcus will do it next week. Unprepared.

That's awesome. It's fun. All right, let's do this. I'd like to pray to sweet, sweet Satan. Thank you so much for killing Jesus Christ in 2014. I know that's controversial. It's hard to say. I said it out loud, you know.

But we redid it. It's going to be a good year. 2015, Satan's year. We got Christmas back. Cool. We're changing Christmas to shite, shite, shite and mess. That's going to be a good time. That's going to be a good time.

Yeah, it's supposed to be hard to say. It's supposed to be hard on the ears. Oh, I see. And I hope that everyone is naked who is listening to this right now. Even the fat, ugly ones. So everyone who is listening. Yeah, I hope everybody everyone is naked who is listening to this right now. Even the fat, ugly ones. So everyone who is listening. Yeah, I hope everybody's fat and naked. So, I mean, thank you, Satan.

Thank you for what you gave. Very nice, Henry. Nice prayer, Henry Zebrowski. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. This will be a very exciting episode. There's a lot of pep in the room. I'm feeling sleepy. I'm feeling sleepy.

All right. I'm kind of sleepy today. I'm a little sick. You're ill? Alright. There's a lot of vibes. It's kind of a downer. Positive vibes. That's what I was saying. Good, positive, up vibes. Everyone's feeling great. It's still an immemorium.

Philip Seymour Hoffman. That was a sad day. Robin Williams. I'm just happy that Robin Williams is up in heaven making them laugh. We don't need him anymore. He's making the angels laugh. I don't know if that's true. It's like angel children

like in Patch Adams. Oh my god, that's such a sad movie. Do you think that Robin Williams was just trying to tie a fucking tie and then he fell down? Such a jerk-off. Oh my God, that is what happened. That is sort of what happened. Very nice.

Very nice. All right, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, I'm here and I'm crying out of my butthole today. How much Taco Bell did you eat today? I ate $5 worth of Taco Bell, which is too much Taco Bell to eat if you're going off the dollar menu the way I was. The last time I went to Taco Bell, I spent $30

by myself. I usually spend $8. There you go. $8's a normal amount. I'm a good eater. A lot of soft tacos, stuff like that. But then it always gets you sad. It makes you happy, though. In the moment, you're overjoyed.

One day, me and Ben went to Taco Bell and Ben bought $32 worth of Taco Bell. Are you not listening? I literally just said that. That's sad. But I bought $32 worth because I knew that you were going to want some.

You gave me one Chalupa. You guys are making Robin Williams sad in heaven right now, and he can't be any more sad than he was before he died. Did you see where Chimps May Come? He ain't going to make it up there. Dude, that is sad. That's a sad movie. All right, Eddie, you're here.

Ed Larson, I'm here, and I'm ready to be a good guy. All right. Well, that's great. You're nailing it. Haldnators, ho! Throwing bows and sucking on hoes. Has it been like a full year that you've been doing this? Yeah, I think so.

My legion has grown legionly. It's actually sort of stagnant, I think. Yeah, when does it stop? When do you stop doing stuff? It stops where it starts. Time is a flat circle you jew you can't say no you say i won't take that as an insult because it's not that is not he just called you a respectable member of hollywood oh my god i'll tell you what man i'm

pretty i'm feeling pretty grumpy and sad why are you grumpy and sad? You know, it's like I woke up, fucking little pee-pee dot on my boxers. Oh, you pissed yourself. I can't shake it out fully ever. I was just talking to my friend about this recently, Brendan Ayer, a very funny comedian. And I think I'm going to start wearing adult diapers. And he agreed that every male should start wearing them around the age of 25. It's crazy, man. I don't know.

How come? I tried to push it out. Every man in this room has a little pee-pee in their pants right now. It's okay for it to go in your boxers. It's sterile, right? I think that the adult diaper needs to be reformatted and made cool, and we should just wear nothing but the underwear that has a little pad in it. Do you ever think when you're licking the below lips,

there's a little pee-pee on a lady as well? Of course. I've got a toilet paper in my mouth. Yeah, the first gal I ever ate, I had a toilet paper right there on her lips. I've never dealt with a toilet paper. No, that hasn't happened to me. That might be better, though. What I always do is right before I do it,

I take a pillow from the couch, and I just fucking pat, pat, pat, pat it out. On her face? On a vagina. Oh, on her vagina. But see, but see then it's like oh we're getting ready now it's like it needs to be spontaneous you just rip her fucking panties off rip them off of her it's disgusting you are really i haven't seen you in like two weeks holding it and whatever you're doing you gotta stop you're looking worse than ever you look like a caveman you're glistening the last week you were like oh you gotta stop. You're looking worse than ever. You look like a caveman. You're glistening. Last week, you were like, oh, you've lost weight. Yeah, I know, but

this week, it's like, I don't know what spell I was under last week. I know. He kept saying at Christmas, you were like, you've lost so much weight. I was like, I don't think so, Ben. No, but now I don't think you have either, but you did, but then now you've gone back. I'm in a feeder-gainer relationship, man. I'm telling you. That's great. I wish.

So, you guys have a shake issue as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's got one. I just don't shake it, man. I'm telling you. That's great. Yeah. I wish. So you guys have a shake issue as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's got one. I just don't shake it, man. I let it drip. You let it, but I can't be spending all the live long day standing over a toilet. Who has time? Yeah.

All my fucking grandkids are dying. I'm standing over a toilet with just the piss just drip dropping out of that. Every time I'm finishing up a night, clock's ticking. I agree. Sometimes I'll helicopter it, but then I get pee-pee all over the walls and the shower curtain. Man, I think that's why I think over the generations

men are going to evolve to eventually have lips on the end of their dick. Because then it holds the pee-pee on the inside. Well, we did have foreskin at some point, but then everyone in our culture chopped it off. But doesn't the foreskin, doesn't it trap even more piss? I don't know. At least it's trapped.

They got rid of it because people were dying of some dick cream disease or something. The key is to grab it at the very end of the shaft and fucking squeeze it all the way up like a fucking tooth paste. Yeah, yeah, wring it out. I can't do it. You gotta get that bottom tube empty. Or shove a Q-tip up there. No, that'll hurt. That'll just hurt it out. Dry it out. I can't do it. You gotta get that bottom tube empty. I can't be. Or shove a Q-tip up there. No, that'll hurt. That'll just hurt it out.

Dry it out. Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man. I'm getting the pee drip. I heard if you put a bunch of toothpaste in it, it dries out by morning. You can also do that with a zit. Put toothpaste on it? Yeah, put toothpaste on a zit.

Really? I think that's how you get a scratch out of a DVD. Yeah, toothpaste is a miracle drug. It is. Some people actually brush their teeth with it. To each its own. That's right. I'm sad, man.

Jackie took her ring off. I'm about to start busting some heads over here. I'm about to start taking my rings off. You know it's going to go fucking down. Jackie, one of your eyes is asleep. What happened? Why is that? I'm having a stroke. She's taking her rings off.

She's having a stroke, I think. All right, Marcus. What's the news story? Ben, you're not feeling good either, right? You introduced the chuckle hut. You're it. You did the prayer. I'm Ben Kissel. There you go.

That's the sardine. We know Henry's here because he already did the prayer. Henry! So that's not a person you have to introduce any longer. I went to go buy a Jaguar at the store and they were like, you mean, oh, we got plenty of Jaguar cars. And I was like, no, I want a fucking Jaguar cat. And I bought the fucking Jaguar cat. And I bought the fucking Jaguar cat

and you know what I did with it? What? I fucking choked it to death. You choked it to death. That's right. So that's he calls it his rug. It's just a dead Jaguar carcass laying on the middle of his living room floor. What's that smell? What's that smell? And I say it's fucking money.

Smell of money. Trig steps on a dog. That was fine. Trigg is a cute little boy. Don't let a retarded kid step on a dog, you know? No, it's fine. I talked about it on a show. Idiot Palin's kid.

He stepped on a dog? He was standing on the dog and they took a picture of it and it's like, what was this? Oh, he can now reach the counter. It was adorable. I'm happy that... He was stepping on the dog and they took a picture of it and it's like, what was this? Like, oh, he can now reach the counter. It was adorable. I'm happy that- He's stepping on the dog. Oh, that was-

Oh, it's fun. It was cute. The dog was fine with it. It wasn't cute. What kind of dog is it? I don't know. It's a dog that's able to hold a retarded kid. It's a dog that was trying to sleep.

Retarded kids should be used to help build bridges because they don't have any fear. You can put them up on top of it and they can connect a bunch of fucking cables and if the wind knocks them off, no one will miss them. Talked about it on many a show this week. Check it out. Trig. The boy stepped on a dog. Good retarded bridge.

Yep. I wonder how much female urine I've drank over my years. If I'm eating their pussies, there's always like a dribbler to a pig. I'm sure you didn't drink any of it. You slap it or you lap it up. When I go below, chicks be spraying

out fucking nasty garbage. There was that new study that just says it all scored his feet, but that's not going to stop me. It looks like what Heathcliff, the cat cartoon used to eat. The fish bones come out and shit. The poor Garfield. Heathcliff sucked.

Trash comes out of his vagina? Fuck yeah, if you would be eating it right. You just fuck in a dumpster? If you're eating chicks out at dumpsters you should be on fucking a regular basis. Heathcliff was like that show Fridays that, what is it,

Richard Lewis, the dude who used to star, remember Fridays? Michael Richards. Michael Richards, yeah. Well, that was like an SNL. But SNL was like Garfield. Heathcliff was a terrible show compared to Garfield. Oh, right. I see. I see, yes. Did you guys ever watch Henry's Cat? No. No.

Cool. I watched Eat the Cat. Eat the Cat was quality, though. That was a fucking awesome shit. That's a show I've seen. Love Eat the Cat. I'm glad we all agree on something. Oh, Eat the Cat was awesome. I'll drink a woman's piss, man.

Why not? She's giving it to you. I'd like to have a woman piss up in my ass. Clearly, I fucking have. When she's fucking knobbing on my fucking go box. She's drinking on me. I don't know how she's doing it. She's getting some of that pee-pee in there.

I have my woman fill up the wash machine with her piss. I put my clothes in, but I also use a Tide, so it's fine. Oh, yeah, I'll wash it all the way there. That explains the way you smell. That's just clean on top of clean, man. Eddie Piss Clothes Larson. Why did they call him that? Well, smell him, and he'll tell you all about it. That of clean, man. Eddie Pissclothes Larson. Why did they call him that? Well, smell him and he'll tell you all about it.

That's hot, though. All right, Marcus. A numbers cruncher at a Manhattan ad firm suddenly decided that the office mannequins were out for his blood, so he jumped to his death from a fourth-floor window to escape their wrath. David Kukweas... Wait a second, my question. He was sober, right? So he jumped to his death from a fourth floor window to escape their wrath. David Kaquias.

Wait a second, my question. He was sober, right? Totally stone cold sober. No, I like to think he was sober. David Kaquias, 43, shouted, they're after me, they're after me. While frantically pointing at the blank face dummies in the garment district offices of Catch New York around 9 p.m. on January 2nd. Well, technically, even sitting still objects are kind of moving very slowly.

That's not true. It is true. It is true. Everything is moving very slowly. Oh, because the Earth? Yeah, because we're on the spaceship Earth. And other reasons. Fuck you. Why? What happened? Everything's moving.

And you finally said, well, we're all fucking feeling. Oh, please. I'm done with the show. Time's moving slower right now. I'm going to go ask Jake Young at Nerd of Mouth if they need another co-host. Well, the mannequins, both male and female, were set up at the shop as part of a retail project. One, the owner said it's not the first time. Kequeus, who had worked for the firm at least a couple years, had acted strangely.

The owner said whatever problems he's had in the past kind of have come back to haunt him. The mannequins! The mannequins are always the man's problem. He had a history of trouble with drugs, but he added he was a sweet, lovable guy. Just sort of an office favorite. And why wouldn't he? He's hopped up all the time. This is one of my favorite deaths that I've heard. Well, certainly

since the new year. We've only had ten or so days. But I do like the idea, if you do have to die, he obviously did believe mannequins were chasing after him. He kind of got, it's a perfect death. I mean, whatever way I'm going to go, this seems like a fairly reasonable way to die. Sounds like he died in horrible fear.

Yeah, but it was cool. It was like a horror movie. It was a horror film. You know, I was thinking about it just now, and I don't think I'm the office favorite. No, no, no way. You're the office lump. You're the disheveled half drunk man that they're just

like this there who probably is a little snappy but also i don't talk much but when i do i say something off-putting that's right like that you know what i'm saying like i rarely talk but when i do get prompted to like how was your weekend i'm just like oh man i watched a bunch of fucking war movies but i just slowed it down during the parts when people got their fucking heads blown off i watched cats fuck and then i fucked it's not a bad way to cool dicks holding good holding good i hear he does comedy well he's never made me laugh i hate that do the people know that you do comedy at your work i feel like that's starting to know there's like i think one chick who's going to be coming to a show sometimes. You got to start

putting Thomas in your sketches right. Every office I've ever worked at. Don't write me your skits about. Do you write skits about us. I'm like dude the audience would fucking sleep to death if I wrote sketches about you people like it's

all always the same. But there's the one chick I think might come by she's pretty she's pretty uh she's fun she's like uh she's from india or some shit no she's from like sri lanka she's gonna love it she's gonna love it well i was gonna tell her about this guy this last show but we did that fucking rape thing so yeah i guess your last show from what i've heard a little controversial, huh? It was fine. We've done that sketch many times. I just didn't want her to come. Cake policeman.

What'd she say? Was she raped? No, I mean... Are you sure? You said she's from India? We talk all about her rape at the office. Every time she comes in, we're like, how was your weekend? She's like, way better than that rape that happened to me. I'm always like, cool, there's coffee up.

There's a good way to find out without asking her. You follow her out one day and she takes the bus and she was never hit. I don't understand why that. You're thinking of India, by the way. Yeah, she's from Sri Lanka. She's from America. She is. No, no.

She's got an odd name. But the way you can also tell is that you can stalk a woman out to her car from the parking lot. Like, if she's parked out in a parking lot, if you follow her real close, but pull your fucking jacket close around your face so she gets to your face, and you follow her and you let her see you, and then you hide behind

the car real fucking obviously, if she doesn't get nervous, she's been raped. Well, that's a hell of a test. I feel like she would be used to it. Because she's used to it. That's great, Henry. Very sensitive. Very sensitive.

And make sure to check Henry out on the romantic comedy. A to Z. I forget what channel it's on. I forget what channel it's on I forget what channel it's on Next week we get ice cream Oh very nice Two more episodes of that show?

That's great How many episodes? Eight That's great Is that man about to rape me? Oh it doesn't matter, already been raped He'll be disappointed? Oh, I'm not scared of that scary man over there.

Because I was once. I'm not even going to say the word. Well, that sounds like a worse way to die than a bunch of mannequins chasing you. That's true. That's terrible. Eddie, how about you? How do you want to die? Me?

Yeah. Raped to death. All right. Well, the place where this guy worked, Catch New York, they call themselves a branding and strategy think tank with a super-powered herd of nerds. Its employees include, this is from their website. Super-powered with meth amphetamines.

A super-powered herd of nerds. That's what I call my fucking balls. Because there's more than two of them. You have a herd of nuts? Yeah, there's a bunch. I got like a beanbag sack. There's a bunch of little ones in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I call them my herd of nerds. Great, like magical

beans. Hey, baby, you want to come back to my place? I'll feed you some fish tacos so that you can eat a suck of my herd of nerds. She would feed you the fish taco. Yeah, that's true. Its employees include, quote, a collection of hipster artistes, tech gurus,

a barrage of bean counters, and phone attached to the face client hunger. That's also what I call my girlfriends. She numbers all your balls. One to ninety-nine. Bean counters is like a term for accountants

oh so they were like a silly fun young fucking branding company and they let people do drugs in the job and sometimes fucking mannequins come alive and you have to deal with the repercussions it's like mad men except for instead of whiskey and cigarettes

they were fucking dropping acid and shit having business meetings I'm surprised the guy didn't survived, though. A four-story fall, I think you can survive that. I don't know, man. That's a tough one. You can land right. No, four. Oh, four, yeah. Yeah, you can, but you probably won't.

It all depends on how you land. You gotta land right. Yeah, if you land, like, straight down on your legs, then your femurs and your leg bones will probably shoot up into your organs. That actually does happen if you fall from too far behind. So how are you supposed to land that? Just in case mannequins are chasing one of our fans.

Face down. Really? Face down? I feel like that would just crack your fucking head. That's why you put your hands right in front of your forehead. That's not true. So you sleep well at night. Audience know him. He's got a smile on his face. He's lying. Yeah, I don't know the best way to fall from a four-story window.

I don't know. Drunk is the best way. Well, because you just relax. Yeah, you just relax. Yeah, you probably need to be loose. Well, I mean, how do wrestlers fall? I mean, shit, mankind fell fucking four stories. Yeah, two stories.

I think you're supposed to fall on your shoulder. I think that's how Mick Foley usually fell. Keep the head up. But yeah, you probably still want to be kind of shoulder. I think that's how Mick Foley usually fell. Keep the head up. But yeah, you probably still want to be kind of loose. Yeah. Maybe head first. See, no. Then you crack your head.

Maybe there's that movie with Dennehy. Brian Dennehy? Brian Dennehy, the boxing movie where the guy broke his hand by trying to punch him on the top of the head. Gladiator. So maybe you just, the hardest part of the head. The big key to man is just fucking parachute pants, like MC Hammer, man.

That's why I always got them on at all times. Or you want one of those wing suits. Yeah. Well, that's impractical. Yeah. We can do the parachute pants. Jump, do a split. The problem is, though, if you're getting chased by mannequins

You don't got time for strategizing I just don't know why You would allow yourself to be chased I mean you can't beat up a bunch of fucking mannequins They're difficult to beat up This is why I've always stressed the importance of martial arts That's the problem They're not trained to be self defensive

If you had some fucking noon chunks Maybe this shit wouldn't have went down. Noon chunks? Noon chunks? Oh, nunchucks. Noon chunks? Sounds like your lunch. It's time for Eddie and his noon chunks.

It's when I microwave a potato. It's like what's-her-name Karen Carpenter. She's had some noon chunks and it fucking killed her. She's fucking dead. Her and Robin Williams sharing a teacup in fucking heaven. Isn't that nice? You think God would have enough teacups for everyone to have their own.

Is nothing sacred anymore, Henry? No, Robin Williams, man. He fucking asked for it by being so funny all the goddamn time. We're going to have to watch a fucking expose in his life tonight because it's the Golden Globes. Yes, we will're going to have to watch a fucking expose on his life tonight because it's the Golden Globes. We will have to watch something very sad about him.

I think that he's done with the awards. Didn't he go through both the Oscars and the Olympics? No, he died in August. So the Golden Globes, they still got to honor him? And the Oscars. No, the Oscars already did, didn't they? It was just the Emmys? Just the Emmys. I hope it's all slow motion

Mork and Mindy clips. What I want to see is a man coming out, dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but he's got like fake sort of like ribbon tears, right? He dances to fucking Tears in Heaven. He's dancing and dancing. Walk Like a Man. Yeah, that's a good one. Walk Like a Man. I was going to say Crash

by Dave Matthews. You got Marissa Tomek coming out dressed up like a big fucking noose, right? And she's totally naked with her pussy hanging out. He lays down like this on all fours like a fucking dog. She wraps her legs around his neck. And he eats her pussy

while she's fucking dressed as a noose. He really does. You think that's going to get past the censors for the Golden Globes? It seems like it's going to be a tough one. I just wish Michael Clark Duncan was still alive because he would be perfect as the Mrs. Doubtfire in that movie. That's true. Michael Clark, yeah, that's right.

He died. All right. Everyone's dead. That's great. Heaven's got to be a crazy fucking party, man. I can't wait to go. Yeah. Too bad it's not real.

You just prayed to Satan, man. I don't think you're going to make it into heaven, brother. Who gives a shit? So the guy's dead. Guy's dead. Let's move on to another death. Devil death. Two people were killed when a camel trampled them to death at a Texas camel farm on Saturday.

God damn, that's the worst way to fucking go, man. You think so? It's sad, man. Why go to a camel farm? They make all these horrible noises. They probably move. They move slow and shit. I don't know, man. You think so? It's sad, man. Why go to a camel farm? They make all these horrible noises. They probably move. They move slow and shit. I don't know, man. Being killed by a camel would be kind of cool

though. I love a camel. A little respect they are given, but they're just glorified water coolers. They're right in the fucking face. No, man. I love camels. They spit all the time like Major League Baseball players. They got big nuts. They got double humps, which are just made for people to ride on. They're super cool.

Does that make your list of five worst animals? What are the five worst animals? Man, camels definitely on the list. No way. I don't like camels. Rafts are almost all dead, so don't say that. No, mosquitoes. Don't like mosquitoes.

Well, that's not an animal. It's technically a fucking animal. Insects would be my entire list if we're talking insects. Yeah, no one likes insects. Just mosquitoes and cockroaches. Everything else can stay. I kind of like them. They're cool.

Those are the only two things that are going to survive. I know. Yeah. It's a tough break. What else? What do we got? We got any birds on that list? No, I kind of like birds.

Birds are terrifying. You know, birds are all right. I don't like parakeets, man. You don't like parakeets? You know what's a fucked up animal? Ant eaters, man. Yeah, they got the penis. What's the point up animal Anteaters man Yeah they got The penis

What's the point Of not bothering anybody I know they're not Bothering ants Yeah but fuck ants They're insects There's so many of them They're fucking murderers man

They gotta be controlled Every animal's a murderer Not everyone Yeah All the ants are Fucking controlled They're gonna start Looking and learning

On us And they're gonna Fucking all start Piling up and looking like us. We're going to have to start putting them into camps, man. We're going to have to ship them off. Yeah, we're going to have to have trains filled with sugar cubes, so all the fucking ants go on the fucking cubes,

and then we take them and we gas them. Well, I feel like that conversation has happened another time in history, but it wasn't about ants. Hyenas. Ah, kill them. Yeah. But hyenas are like the great audience for, I mean, hyenas just laugh at everybody's events.

You know, they're a great audience. They're not laughing, man. Whoopi Goldberg, man. You want to kill Whoopi Goldberg? Yeah, she voiced the hyena. She was a hyena in Lion King. So is Whoopi Goldberg one of your top five worst animals? I feel like there's a lot of racist casting in cartoons.

No, come on. Someone tried to sue them, actually, because all the hyenas were black. It's like someone's from Tulsa. What was it? Trafica. Yeah. They shouldn't have had one white person voice anything. Matthew Broderick was perfect as older Simba.

Nathan Lane was indelible as fucking Pumbaa. Put us on the fucking Golden Globes. Yeah, man. Lion King should win tonight. It should just always win. There should be at least a yearly Lion King Awards. Which is the best Lion King.

The best Mufasa goes to. Mufasa. You piece of shit. Oh, man. Fuck you, Zazu. Lion King is great. You piece of shit. Oh, man. What about the coyote? What about it? I mean...

I kind of like them. Coyotes are cool. And they howl. They're noisy, though, man. And running around. Dirty. Oh, they're definitely dirty. But all dogs are dirty.

To a degree. Yeah, my sweet dog. All dogs go to heaven, man. That was a movie. That's a myth, though. You know who else went to heaven? Fucking Robin Williams. I don't know if Robin Williams did go to heaven.

He might have sold his soul to the devil. Suicide, you know, suicide, you're supposed to go to hell. Suicide is pain. It wasn't, though. No, I think you had a wasn't though Horribly painful Marcus have you been to a camel farm? It said it was in Texas Yeah I've got a picture of me with a camel

At a camel farm What did you do to avoid being stomped to death by it? I did not cross the fence There you go A camel farm also sounds like a good nickname For a party with just a bunch of fat women. Come over to the camel farm tonight, man. They're eating.

There's a real camel farm going on over at the party. They're all fucking wearing blue spandex in the dirt. I like that party. I'd be there in a heartbeat. You got to stop by Little Caesars if you want to make it over. I love them. Well, this did actually happen just about an hour and a half away from

where I grew up. The bodies of Peggy McNair, 72, the owner of Camel Kisses Farm near Wichita Falls. Camel Kisses. They killed the owner? Oh, yeah. This is a plot, man. You can't trust them. And Mark Meir, 53, were found just after 2.30pm

local time. Duke, uh, were found just after 2.30 p.m. local time. Duke, Wichita County Sheriff David Duke. That's amazing. Oh, man, he lost on that one. Oh, man, but he's still the Wichita County Sheriff in Wichita Falls. I have seen Nazi flags around that area. It's still a very racist area. Might help him out, then.

No way. Rural Texas? Are you telling me? East Texas. Yeah, yeah. The people who mostly investigate murder due to camel? They live in a racist community? Duke told the station that mayor got into a pen with three camels after a water trough became frozen over.

That happens a lot in that area of Texas. You have to go and you have to break the ice of the water trough with an axe every single day. But then a male camel that was in mating season charged Mayer. And as he tried to escape, the camel then attacked the owner, McNair, who was trying to close the gate. The camel was still acting aggressively to deputies who arrived on the scene. The station reported and game wardens killed it with the permission of the owner's family. I think that the camel should have been allowed to live. He just

won a small war. I mean, what else are you going to do with it? Shoot him in the fucking head. Oh, leave the camel alone. He's fun. Camels are amazing. How long can they hold that water inside of those little humps for? It's like months. Yeah, I think a few months. Just chill out in the desert, have a good time. They have so much water, they spit

out half of it and they still got a bunch. It's phenomenal. I love a good camel. If you're starving or dying of thirst in the desert and you get a camel with you, can you cut off its hump and drink the water? Yeah, it's like a cactus. You know what? A camel hump actually doesn't hold water at all. It's just fat.

Those are fat? You can drink its fucking blood. You can drink anything's blood. Is that going to quench the thirst though? You can't drink blood, can you, to survive? You can drink piss, you can drink blood. Can you drink blood and does it

hydrate you? You can drink any liquid and it'll hydrate you. Really? Totally. Not salt water. A camel's blood might actually be beneficial because they drink large amounts of water at a time, up to 20 gallons, and salt water. Camel's blood might actually be beneficial because they drink large amounts of water at a time, up to 20 gallons, and the water is stored in the animal's bloodstream. Boom.

Oh, wow. It's the cactus of the animal world. That's what we're saying. First fucking camel I see if I'm fucking thirsty. Don't. I'm stabbing a straw right into its throat. Right, you're just going to start sucking it that way? I'm not even thirsty.

A big Capri Sun. Henry, I think somehow since you've been gone you've become more evil. I don't give a fuck what anybody says because I don't want to go to heaven because I think Robin Williams is overrated. Oh, come on. Very underrated, if anything.

Extremely successful performer. Sweet man. I miss him. I'm going to hell with fucking Strom Thurman and my fucking old other buddy, fucking Mozart. Mozart, you never know. It's tough to say about Strom.

You can actually drink blood to survive dehydration. But can you drink your own blood blood That's probably going to be bad You just bleed out You can drink your own piss That's exactly how a lot of people survive Drinking their own piss

You can also squeeze Water from dung You can have shit water Bill Gates just drank shit water Well that was different That went through a filtration process Well all of us You can have shit water. Bill Gates just drank shit water. Well, that was different. That went through a filtration process. Yeah, but he drank it.

Well, all of us are constantly drinking shit water. Whenever you flush the toilet, that is an eight-month trip that that water is going through to your Aquafina body. I told my fucking landlord, I'm not drinking any of this goddamn toilet water, and so I have a fucking well in there now. The well is still going to be full. It's probably full of copper

or something. Some poor girl. Yeah. Well, someone on the chat actually says that you can't drink blood because you can't digest it properly. Who says it? Is it doctor somebody or is that gay dude again? Ibe Maz. Who is it?

Ibe Maz. Well, so it is a doctor. Well, if it's a doctor, then sure, I guess I believe you, even though they call it a practice for a reason. What? You're right. I got it. I got it. Tom Williams is going to fuck it.

You should have died three years ago. I don't know what, Henry, you're cursing your life right now. What's going on with you? You're cursing your entire life. When you die, there's not going to be a funeral. It's just going to be a mock session. How do you want your funeral to go, man? I want it to be short, and I want it to be mean.

Just like you. Short and mean, yeah, just like the man. Fuck this fucker. Peace. And we set him on fire. And he just sort of kicked my body off of a boat. That is a fun funeral.

I want to do the thing that Guardu did that they do in like Game of Thrones, the Viking funeral where you send me out in a boat and you light a fucking arrow

on fire and you pop, pop me. No one is going to do anything. No one's going to do anything when I die. It's not even, there's not going to be a funeral. They'll wrap you up

in a newspaper. Yeah. Dump you in the forest. What do you do with fish? Wrap me up in a newspaper and give me to an orphan. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hit your body with a shovel.

I'll do that. Oh, that'll be fun. Just the stomach, though. Just like, flap. But if you want to do the Viking funeral thing, you could do it. Yeah, we'll do that. You can't... Yeah.

I mean, you'll be in a river. Okay. I can promise you that. I'll be in a river. Hell yeah. Yeah. At least a creek. Yeah., you'll be in a river. Okay. I promise you that. I'll be in a river. Hell yeah. Yeah. At least a creek.

Yeah. A creek right here. Right in that chair. Shovels in the basement of the creek. That's where we're at. So, it's just sad this camel lost its life just trying to protect itself. Yeah. Well, do you guys want to hear a feel-good story? Yeah.

I love feel-good stories. I like to be happy, Marcus. Yeah? All right. I'm not-good stories. I like to be happy, Marcus. Yeah? All right. I'm not in the mood. A fisherman hunted down and killed a giant crocodile after it ate his pregnant wife. Awesome. Okay, I can deal with that feel-good story.

That's what that's taken for. Yeah. Mubalak Madambuze, 56. Is he Italian? Yeah, of course. He had been searching for the crocodile since it killed his wife, Dementilia nabwire, in Uganda in November. Madambuze found the reptile, which was said to be 7.5 meters in length.

How does he know? Here we go, just wait, wait, wait. Found the reptile about a kilometer from where his wife was attacked and killed it with a spear. Uganda Wildlife Authority official Peter Ogwong told the DPA, I sent my people there and they found human bones and clothes in the crocodile's stomach. We believe this was the same animal that killed the woman. How can you tell though? That's the thing. Crocodiles don't got like a haircut or a t-shirt.

He killed his wife. If you see a crocodile kill your wife, you're going to remember the crocodile. It's probably got like a scar above its fucking nostril or some shit. This is Captain Hook. Do you think a crocodile, when it got that woman, was like, oh, yeah, look, it's a Cadbury egg.

So excited. Yeah, good for you. Fucking creamy center. I hear they can talk. I do have an issue, though, with your story, because you call a crocodile a reptile. Crocodile is a dinosaur. I'm not sure.

I think it's a reptile. I mean, birds are dinosaurs. It would be more accurate if you were to call a bird a dinosaur. A bird goes, What does an alligator do? An alligator goes, Right. So it's a reptile.

All in our game. I was thinking, too, of a really bad joke that the subtitle of Taken 4 should be granted. Taken for granted. I get it. That's great. Taken for granted. I get it. That's great. That's really good.

It's just nice to know. The bosses at the insurance company will be happy to know. You stand up still. It'll be like a New Yorker cartoon thing. I'm impressed. That was amazing. He killed this crocodile with a spear.

A spear. That's fucking awesome. This guy is awesome. I just don't think he got the right crocodile. He definitely got the right crocodile. They found bones and claws in his stomach. He knew what his wife was wearing the day they went missing. All crocodiles eat people around there.

His wife was wearing like a championship, like Super Bowl champion, like fucking, you know, like a Buffalo Bills shirt or something. Yeah, some Ugandan bikers. Biker club. Yeah, she was wearing some old fucking shirts that are all wrong. That's where we send all that stuff. It's Uganda, man. Their life expectancy is whenever a crocodile gets it. Yeah.

I think this guy's awesome, though. He knew about it. He knew what his wife was wearing He's a hero He avenged his wife's death My god You know how big this crocodile I said 7 meters

We're American So none of us really know what that means 18 feet long A little over 3 feet That is 23 feet long Holy shit Damn Wow

And that crocodile probably weighed Upwards of 2,000 pounds And he killed it with one single spear? Did he eat it? I hope he ate it. Well, then he's going to eat his own wife in a weird way. None of it eats the tail. I'm not really into victim blaming.

I think it's terrible to victim blame. But I think she was really fucking asking for it when she walked around covered in barbecue sauce like that. I don't even know if alligators like. Crocodiles like barbecue sauce. Maybe she was doing it as a repellent. You can't eat the crocodile. You've got to stuff it and mount it. You've got to put it in your house as your trophy. You're eating your wife if you eat this crocodile.

I mean, at least cut its eyes out. Definitely. I mean, wear those as a necklace. Oh, yeah, cut out its tongue. For sure. But you can't keep it around, because every day you look at it, you're reminded by it. Well, every day you look at the empty bed,

you're reminded that your wife is gone. So then you look at the car. Then you look at the crocodile and you're like, that's right, I murdered the beast that killed her. It's kind of like, you know that Russian proverb when we were talking about Chikatilo about how maybe the vision of his wife's fucking face was burnt into the

crocodile's eyes. And so you kept it, and it's like, look at it, it's like a locket. And then he looks through the eyes, and he gets to see his wife's terrified face for one final time. It's just selfish, man. I think it sucks for all the other people in the neighborhood, because how are they supposed to get across lakes? I've always pictured that the way you get across

lakes in a happy way. You're jumping on the back of the crocodile. It's longer, kind of like the Lion King video game. I'm bringing it back around. When I get across the lake, I go fall in it. Where's that 23-foot boat we used to take? You jump on the crocodile on top of its mouth. It gets angry and it flips you

to the next one. Pops it up. Staring at that. 23 feet. What do you do with it? How many times you got to stab a crocodile with a spear?

I think he just did it once. Yeah, so he said just once. Right through the eyes. It depends on where he got his head. Down or down his throat. Back of the head. Between the eyes.

Down the throat. We work probably. Seems like they got a thick ass skull. They do have tiny little reptilian minds. You just gotta go right for the brain and it all shuts it down. This is an alligator though.

Crocodile? You pull down its pants it dies of embarrassment. Little penis is on those things. Crocodile dicks are very odd looking. Very bizarre. I haven't seen one yet. They come right out of the skin. They've just got little

spurs on them. They stay connected. Staring at that empty, empty bed. Yeah. With Robin Williams' wife. Well, it's not empty anymore. It's got a 23 foot crocodile in it.

They weren't sleeping in the same bed anymore. They were sleeping in the same bed. Robin Williams' wife loved him very, very much. We're gossiping about a dead man page seven.

Come on. What is wrong with you people? Jesus Christ. Robin Williams never did anything wrong to a lot of people. Well, I checked out Yahoo Answers. He didn't. Can't argue with it. You are the worst at compliments.

I've never met a dude who's just like what? It's factually correct. Well, I checked out Yahoo Answers. I I mean it doesn't say how to kill an alligator With a spear But this is how do you kill an alligator with a knife This is a guy just asking generally Just curious

How do you kill an alligator with a knife And answered Jake He said this is how he would do it He said you wave a stick in front of it And when it snaps shut on the stick you hold its mouth shut because alligators can close their jaw with a lot of force but their mouths are easy

to hold shut once they're closed and then he said once I have it held shut I'll get on its back and use my left hand to hold its mouth closed while I grab the knife with my right hand and stab it through its brain and then twist the handle until I am sure the gator has expired.

This is a guy who... I'm sure she's going to love me. This guy works IT at your company. He does nothing. You know what I think? I think the person who asked that question was an alligator so that if he sees a stick coming at him,

he'll know not to bite down on that shit and he'll know what to bite down on that shit, and he'll know what to protect for a wearable ball. I'm so glad I got my library card for the alligator library so I can go into the alligator library computer lab and follow the Yahoo answers. I will protect the whole family. I am a man. How do you...

Please may I doff my cap to you? Is there a place to put my jacket? I'm not an alligator. I am rich. Do I need an AOL account? As a human, how would you... So I hate to break it to you, do-do answer question,

but now they know, so you gotta go out the different way. You never know. Well, our men probably went for the eyes. Because that is the most vulnerable part of the crocodile. And if you can get it right in the eyes, that can go straight to the brain. Oh, there you go. Well, that makes sense. All creatures,

if you go through the eye, that's probably the best place to do it. Windows of the soul. Yep. That's what they say. Shatter the window, and then you've broken into the soul. Once you're in there, stab it a bunch. Indeed. Yep. Yep.

All right. So his wife's been avenged. This guy is a big old crocodile. So when he killed the crocodile, did his wife come back and his family's all put to bed? No, no. The bones. The bones. The unborn babies in the hospital safe?

Positive story. You know, I saw this anime where they killed something like that and the guy came back, so I was thinking the same thing would happen. Yeah, cut the belly up and they're like, thank you for releasing us. I don't think you have a lot of time once the body's inside the crocodile.

You got seconds to get it out, I think. So, yeah, this is eight months, right? I don't think it goes in all at once, like it's a string of spaghetti. Yeah, oh, for a crocodile it is. Is it a 23-foot crocodile? No, I think she's Yeah, this is eight months, right? I don't think it goes in all at once like it's a string of spaghetti. Yeah, you can. Oh, for a crocodile it is. A 23-foot crocodile? No, I think she's pretty much hacked to death by its fucking massive teeth.

They usually mangle the body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They break its neck and they bring in a little water and they put a rock on top of it and then they come back and eat it a couple days later when it's all soft. That's also what Eddie does with a hamburger. Yeah, Eddie knows. Well, let's go to China For our next story I don't want to

Well you can actually stay here We're going to mentally go We're going to refrain though from any sort of Tomfoolery of the people that live there Oh China's great Full of 1.1 billion individuals Big faces Well they have normal sized faces for their bodies

No that's how you know That's? No, that's how you know. That's how you know? That's how you know. That's how you know one. Yeah, because they've got a broader face than most of the other, of the endomorphic races, of the different races. The Asiatics. Yes.

Cheek-to-cheek diameter. Measure it. So, Eddie, are you Asian then by this? So we're just going around measuring cheeks? If you want to be an anthropologist trying to decide who's Chinese or not. Isn't it just anyone who was born in China? No, I mean, you don't want to be

silly and call them a Korean or something. So you just start measuring those faces. I bring a field tape with me. A field ruler. You don't think that's a little offensive. Maybe that's why they're looking at you all? No, I always go, stop, stop, stop, stop, shut up, shut up, shut up, how big's your face? Right. See, this is what I do.

I have a ruler in my glasses, right? And then I just go around kissing them. And when I kiss them, I can measure the width of their cheeks. Well, no, normally, I mean, the best, most surefire way to do it is to judge by their kicking technique. Well, no, normally, I mean, the best, most surefire way to do it is to judge by their kicking technique. Koreans have a lot of front snaps and jumps, you know? And the Chinese, how do they kick? Chinese, a lot of sweeps.

What about roundhouses? Roundhouses are occasionally used by the Japanese, but the trick is they don't use their legs a lot. It's swords. They run fast, though. Oh, very good. Yeah, I think a lot of times if you see somebody doing a ton of roundhouses, that's usually a white guy trying to be Chinese. It's a misinterpretation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, our story in China. On the night of December 30th, a naked man with blood on his thighs was spotted viciously beating a woman outside the central hospital in Shangui. Cine News followed up on the story and revealed that the 32-year-old man, surnamed

Fan, was married with five children. However, Fan started an affair with a 21-year-old girl, and his wife found out after Fan used her cell phone to email the girl and forgot to log out of his account. Oh, this is a big mistake. Shockingly, the wife then cut off his penis with a pair of scissors,

and Fan had emergency treatment in the hospital to reattach it. I like that she did this, though. But she did it again on December 30th. After it being reattached while Fan was sleeping, he was so furious that he chased her down, blood still flowing from his pelvis, and beat her in the street. Passersby called the police, and together with doctors, they all tried to find the severed member using flashlights, because it was at night. Unfortunately, his penis had, quote, completely

disappeared. Okay, where's my penis? I think I just see, oh, this crow, crow fry. Crow fry, what's that? Tiny pink salty. Oh, that's my penis. So a crow took the penis.

It's possible a crow took his penis. I think that this man, he made a key mistake. You don't go on your girlfriend's phone and text your mistress. What's that? A wife. Yeah, you don't go on your wife's phone and text your mistress. The mistake is it's a cut my penis off once. Shame on you.

Right. Cut my penis off twice. You can't sleep in that same bed again. No. You got to get out of there. Yeah. He was still able to sleep after this. Next to her. The second time, you just

kind of got to pull it off, I would assume. I mean, it takes a while for these penises to, you know, hard yank. Yeah. And also, imagine, because that this is such a devious move by his wife, because she already cut his penis off. With scissors, by the way, which is worse than what Bobbitt did with a quick knife. And so she literally, because, you know, she cut the penis off, scissors by the way which is worse than what Bob did

with a quick knife and so she literally because you know she cut the penis off they reattached they probably had like a thing where they got back together

where she was like and they were kissing like no I love you I never cut penis off again never do again and she was like how I trust how I trust

and she was like yeah do it once oh of course I always do it once. Right. And then twice. And then they go and they go to sleep.

They probably went on vacation a couple times, probably went out to eat like a couple times. And he paid, of course. Absolutely. And he knows. And he's like, I apologize. I apologize. All I've done. And then she just waits until he goes to sleep.

It's a long game. And you just fucking snippety snap. Don't come back. Another snippety snap. game. Just fucking snippety snap. Another snippety snap. I think that overall, I'm surprised that we don't hear more stories about women cutting off the male

penis. It's such an easy little... It's a skin tag, but it's all big and stuff. It would take a fucking jack saw to rip my fucking hong off. Well, I don't... You gotta find it first. I imagine it's all calloused.

I play guitar with it, so it's got a lot of callouses on it. Cutting the frozen avocado. Is your apartment full of, like, shedded dick skin? It's very gross. Jackie, as a woman, I mean, the idea of cutting off a dude's dick, that's gotta flow through your mind on a regular basis. I just think the scissor, like, that's a great idea. Yeah. Can you imagine just, like, hacking at it,. I just think the scissor, like, that's a great idea. Yeah.

I mean, imagine just, like, hacking at it, especially, like, a scissor that's, like, you can't even really cut paper with. Sure. You know, everyone's got the bad pair of scissors. One of those child-safe Fisker ones that were all terrible. I mean, it had to have happened quick because it's like he's going to get away. But wouldn't it be, like, a shock thing at first? Do you think that, like, you probably wouldn't be mad?

He's already been, I mean, the first time, yes, but he's already been through it. Yeah, it was probably easy to do it the second time. It's just being held together by stitches or like a scarf or something. How tight is that woman's pussy that he went back to her? I think that he had no other choice. He was probably very terrified. Probably why he was cheating on her in the first place

was because she was physically abusive. And you know what? He stayed with the mistress all throughout. Fan was seriously injured from the blood loss, but recovered after undergoing several hours of surgery. His young mistress showed up on the morning of December 31st to take care of him in the hospital. She has decided to marry him,

saying it doesn't matter that he's lost his fertility. He has five children already. Nice! So it is a love story. Yeah, four daughters and a baby son he has. Maybe just get him made into a vagina at that point. How does he piss? I guess he has to sit down.

There's a lot of sputtering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He sweats it out. Probably has a cleaner underwear than all the men in this room, though. I'm sure he gets it all out. I wear one pair of underwear until it sticks to my body and I have to scrape it off with a fucking screwdriver. That's one strategy

to save money. I'm sure this guy has some sort of tube attached to a colostomy bag so it just fills up when need be. Because if you don't have... I don't know if you... I guess everyone squinch their sphincter. The thing that you use to keep the pee from coming out. I'll pee if I do it right now.

Yeah, me too. And I think if you cut your penis off, I think you can still do that. I think you can still scrunch it up. But do you want to do it after? I just feel like I'd always be taking my pants out and be like, hey, you won't check this out, then go, where's my fucking dick? Where's my dick?

Yeah, mystery dick. So what happened to her? Was she killed or? No, I think she's fine now. He just beat her up. Doesn't say what happened to her, but I'm sure she was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. I love that she wasn't in jail after the first time. Yeah. Maybe he didn't press charges.

China sounds great. Yeah. Yeah, China does sound fucking great. I just don't think there's enough instances of women cutting off the male penis. Cut it off. Which one? You're like the first person it's going to happen to. Like, if you wanted it to happen more, I would put you on a top list of the top three people

I imagine who would get his dick cut off. I don't think so. I just see Ben in a bar some night And the chick would literally walk up and be like Hey my name's crazy bitch You wanna fucking go home Yeah yeah Your name is crazy bitch Yeah

I wanna fucking Fuck you with a blindfold on You know what Sounds like fun I'll do it Totally into it One more story Unfold on your fucking ass. Sounds like fun. I'll do it. Totally into it. One more story.

Two Danish seven-year-old boys were reportedly told to strip down to their underwear by their teacher or their penises would be cut off with a pair of scissors. Oh, so it does happen all the time. The boys who forgot to bring in Santa hats for a Christmas party last December Oh, man, you can't force the fun. We're also ordered... We're also ordered to climb into garbage bags in front of the whole school. Jesus. Thomas Hall, the school's deputy chairman of the board, said the teacher has since apologized

and the matter is over and it was meant to be a joke. He said it is correct that it happened and that this type of humor is something that we on the board, naturally, do not condone. We don't normally say for everybody to say, hey, we're having a stocking party. We're making stockings out of all the kids' penis. It is a funny joke, because you know they were like, oh, what happens if we don't bring our Santa hats? I'll cut your penis off.

Yeah, I'm going to cut your dick off. I'm going to cut your dick off. It's kind of fun, yeah. It's kind of fun. I want to meet cut your dick off. That is kind of fun, yeah. That is kind of fun. That's kind of fun. I want to meet her. Nice teacher. She cared about it.

Were the garbage bags filled with garbage? I mean, can you fit in a garbage bag full of garbage? There's seven. Oh, yeah, you can just throw them right away there. I can't wait to have a son and just constantly tell him how I'm going to cut his dick off if he fucking tries one thing with me. You're going to be a good father. That's fine.

Yeah, so the teacher's been fired then. I'm going to call my kid fucking Slapbag. Slapbag Jr., wouldn't it be? I want to babysit that kid. Oh, yeah? No problem, because I don't like him. This is my son, Quasi-Homo. He was not fired.

In fact, the school's deputy chairman of the board said the fact that the teacher apologized was enough and regarded the matter as closed. Man, these things are so much better over there, man. Where is this at? This is in Denmark. Denmark. Oh, yeah, they have a sense of humor. so much better over there, man. Where is this at? This is in Denmark. Denmark. Oh, yeah, they have a sense of humor. Everything's fine over there, man.

Yeah. The crime, you know, the punishment fits the crime out there, and I think that's great. Apologizing. Yeah. How do they talk out there? Like idiots. It's like, that's fine. Talkin' halkin'.

Yeah, it's like... Talkin' talkin'. Talkin' talkin'. Talkin' talkin'. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like a goose with a finger up its ass. That's it. People are very attractive over there.

They are so hot. Hot. Oh my God. Hot rods. The women are. The men aren't really. The men are for sure. Men are bizarre looking.

Yeah, they're all big. And they're all blonde. Blue eyed. And they look like they've. The, and they look like they've seen a lot of ghosts. Yep. So, yeah, I mean, a good teacher is hard to find. At least he cared about the kids enough. He cared about Christmas. Well, children's advocacy group Bornsvillecar, however, said that the school's action was not enough.

Spokeswoman Binta Boussarup added, Wait a second, so is this in Hogwarts or some shit? There's Mordor or some shit? Right. She said children have been violated and threatened. She said in this kind of situation, the children and their families don't get any kind of help because all energies are used on closing the system in on itself and taking the adults into consideration

instead of the children. That's what I like to hear. Adults put its time in. Kids shouldn't be given anything. I mean, I think there are a lot of points to be made on both sides. The kids in this country, I think, are too spoiled.

That's right. You can't do anything. Treat a kid like you treat a camel. How do you treat a camel? He said he wanted to kill all the camels. Slap him in the fucking face, for starters. Yeah. And he slapped him again.

And then you slap him once more, yeah. In Denmark, it's also different. Yeah, my kid, man, he's going to have to sleep outside, man. If it's cold outside, yeah. He sleeps outside until he builds his own house. You let him figure it out. Oh, that's good. That's a good point.

There's going to be a bunch of wood around. Yeah, he's going to call him Snoopy. See, what I would like to do is get a bunch of five-year-olds together, fucking put them up in a room, make a Santa's playhouse, put up an old Santa's chair, have them all dressed up as Santa, tell them Santa's come, get him, have him all dressed up as Santa, tell him Santa's come. And then they have a man come in and a fucking like, it's sort of like mortuary fucking officer's costume. I mean like,

unfortunately kids, I'm sorry. Santa died of a fucking stroke this morning. Yeah. I'm going to dress my kid up like a Raven. Yeah. Oh, that'll be fun.

Why wouldn't you? And now it's time For a segment From Holden McNeely Oh shit Bitch Segment time You're in my world now I just want to say

This has been a dynamite show And I'm really glad we did it Oh it is I think we made New round table members No No this segment is there are no segments are they going nuts

are the fans going nuts they're going bonkers for holding they're just kind of posting pictures of like pigs with shit on their nuts that's great so the show's going over well that's great I'm just happy they're having fun.

I'm happy everyone's having fun. Multi-billionaire Marcus Parks wants to start his own TV show where it's just straight up traditional. Golden Globes is just handing Meryl Streep a picture of a fucking pig with shit on its nuts. Oh, she'll love it. She'll win all the time. It's a pretty good picture.

You want to see it? Yeah, let's see it. Who sent it? We've all seen this picture. Wait a second, Eddie, but you're sitting over here at the table. How are you on the internet if you're right here? I don't know how things work. Those pictures take place in the past. Oh, I see.

I didn't realize that pigs had such huge balls. That's a massive set that pig has. I'm going to dress him like a raven. Yeah, why wouldn't you? Staring at that empty bed. So the segment Marcus fucking started a TV show. It's Obst obstacle course and shit. You got to come up with it.

My go first go is going to be like Fear Factor style. It's going to have a lot of gross out stuff. So it'll be like a slip and slide covered in dookies. And you have to slide through that. And then you slide into a morgue filled with a bunch of dead women. And you have to dance with a dead woman. Like in that Tom Petty music video.

That's like the movie The Cell. For ten minutes. Yeah, it's kind of like The Cell. What do you dance to? Last Dance of Mary Jane. Okay. Of course. What about marijuana, though?

Well, that's where you're wrong, friend. That's how crazy society used to be about weed. They were like, no, you cannot have this song. You can't smoke weed during this song. Dance with a dead woman. That's very acceptable. So at the end of Dancing with the Dead Woman, you fucking rip a bong load, but there's old socks in the bong.

Right? Because you're trying to make it throw up. It doesn't sound fun, though. You're trying to make you throw up. And then you get on an airplane and it flies upside down to China. Get out of the airplane.

Does anything happen while you're on the airplane? Scooby-Doo's on there. That's a cartoon character. Are you watching Scooby-Doo? No, the fucking dogs there the cartoon dogs on there well it seems hard to do but

and you play poker with them you play Texas Hold'em all the way to China for hours and then you get off and you throw up alright great that's a fun amusement park seems like a there's a lot there. If you don't throw up, you lose.

It seems like you didn't win to begin with. Yeah, what do you win? A pair of shoes. That's cool. If you like shoes, everybody loves them. A pair of Pumas. They still make those? Yeah.

I got a pair of Pumas. All right, you get Pumas. Yeah, they're good shoes. You're going to get some Pumas. Do they still make those? Yeah. I got a pair of Pumas. All right. You get Pumas. Yeah, they're good shoes. You're going to get some Pumas. Fucking losers. No, Pumas are good, man. Pumas are coming back. Pumas are coming back.

What are you doing? Stop it. Kevin, what do you want to do? So my obstacle course would just be an empty warehouse where Jean-Claude Van Damme chases you in the dark. Okay. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah And somewhere in there, there's a rope. There's a rope hanging from the ceiling somewhere in there. Now, you can choose to use this rope or not,

but you have to keep in mind, you don't know whether or not Jean-Claude Van Damme is good at climbing ropes. Probably is. Pretty sure he is. I would assume he's better than I am Yeah, most likely Yeah

You also The thing about Jean-Claude Van Damme Is the unknown Ah Because you don't know what he's going to do When he catches you That's right He might snap your neck

Or he might hug you And it's a very pleasant experience Depending on what twin you get What sort of noise is he making While he's chasing? Silent He's completely silent Okay

Every now and then He might sing a Brian McKnight song What sort of noise is he making while he's chasing? Silent? He's completely silent. Okay. Every now and then he might sing a Brian McKnight song. Quietly or loudly? It's a whisper. That's the only way to do it. That is creepy. That is creepy. All right, Kissel, what is the idea that you thought of an hour ago?

You just told us about it now. Maybe you've got a hot steel slide for you to get underneath. That's actually not too terrible. You heat up a steel slide so it's really hot. It's real hot. In order to slide down it, you've got to hold a McNeely's fucking dick and get all the skin shavings underneath your body. And I've never shaved my bush. Right.

So you can do that and then once you finish that slide around, slide down there and then you gotta play Nitro. You gotta play that American Gladiators game. No. You gotta play against Nitro who was a great American Gladiator. You gotta play the game where you throw

all the balls in the holes. So that'll be fun. That was a good one. I liked that one. Love that one. So now it's just American gladiators. Whole TV show based around obstacles. So that's fun.

Then you get to have sex with Siren, who was a deaf American gladiator. This is just your personal fantasy. Siren was deaf? That's why they called her Siren. Her name should have been fucking Stoney Silence.

No, she wasn't silent. What's that? They had a big red light. They did, yeah. She was amazing. She had one of those fucking masturbating panty things that buzz your pussy. That's a buzzer. Yep.

Sibian? Yeah. That's great. And then you got to go into a supermarket, and you have a certain amount of limited time, and you have to find 10 products that have prices on the back of them. Supermarket sweep. Like, supermarket sweep. But there aren't really any obstacles.

I know. Oh, your legs are broken before all this. So the obstacle is you. Yeah, the obstacle is you. That's actually pretty fucking sweet. Actually, I mean, I like that name. The obstacle is you. Yeah, that's a good name for the show, too.

I like that name. The Obstacle is You. Yeah, that's a good name for the show, too. You have to go through a series of 1980s supermarket games and action games, shows with no legs. So, yeah, so it's kind of fun. That's actually got some appeal, you know, because people, they like what they already know. They like nostalgia. That's right.

Oh, and at the end, you get to go on the Batman ride that Six Flags has. That's if you win or just no matter what. No matter what. But then the losers, well, no, if you win and then the losers of it get kicked by your broken feet and their heads fly off like a Christian. Because that's what happened to an evangelical Christian group about five years ago. One of the

kids lost his hat on the Batman ride and he went to recover it and his head was kicked off by someone who was cruising by him. So that'll be kind of fun. Henry? My obstacle course is not so much a physical obstacle course

as it is a psychological obstacle course. That'll be fun for people to watch on television. You'll see. So what you do is you get invitation hand engraved to the Henry Zebrowski mansion for a masquerade ball. Like Clue. Right? And you are given a mask and a suit.

And you show up to my house. No one else is there. You mean your tiny one bedroom apartment? My mansion that I own. Not the one that you currently live in. Not the one bedroom. It's the second floor. Not the one across the street... So not what you currently live in. Not the one bedroom. It's the second floor. Not the one across the street from the project.

Yeah, that's super small. The mansion that I live in, in my many rooms, that has many a double mirror in. Like a bathroom. I sit in between the walls, right? And all you see, you come there, and you expect there to be a masquerade ball. But instead, what you see is my voluptuous new wife.

Right? And what she does is she begins to seduce you. I'm just saying she begins to seduce you slowly, pours you a drink, asks you if you want a drink, and you can say yes or no, and you say yes. She starts touching your knees and shit, hanging out with her. She's like, hey, I got two pussies.

You want to see it? If you say no, she gives you a $2 bill that you put into a pinball machine. But no balls come out of it. Instead, if you wait for five minutes and you don't fight the machine, you get two more $2 bills come out of the machine. She then asks you, I got four titties do you want to see him if you say no is she there at the

pinball machine the whole time yes watching you massaging your shoulders playing with your balls games over i come out and i say games over you don't you don't win and i fucking i i tase them until they're dead right if they say no they get another two dollar bill they put in the machine

this time five two dollar bills come out right she gets ten dollars and she's like do you want to see my husband's fucking crystal room that's got a dick sucking machine in it and if you say no the wall opens up and i emerge in a full emerald green suit and I say congratulations to Chocolate Factory is yours and there is a whole Chocolate Factory that I have that I will to you. What if you say yes to the you get nothing. You lose. You lose.

You get your dick sucked by my dick sucking machine but you don't get the Chocolate Factory and all the free fucking midgets that mix my fucking chocolate. I think I want the dick sucking machine. It's tough to say. So it's just a series of four questions? Yes. That's not an obstacle course at all. That's not even psychological obstacles.

It's just answering questions. Temptation Island is what I call it. That's already a show! It was canceled, though, so I'm sure the rights are gone. We'll call it fucking Temptation Island. All right, Jackie. Temptation Island. I'm done with that.

Even though it's in a mansion, not on an island. Temptation Island, because there's an island in the kitchen. I refuse. I refuse to acknowledge that, Jackie. All right. Jackie, where are you at? This one is going to be very GoPro related. Oh.

That's good. It's kind of like The Amazing Race, where you invite a bunch of people to a big, you're going to go with mansion, not Henry's mansion, a different mansion. Temptation Island. You're going to give everyone peyote. You're watching them do the peyote, and they're going to learn that the person that is running this whole game has killed everyone in their family except for one member.

And what they have to do is that they are all going to compete from where they are in Wisconsin. They have to get to Mexico without using their arms. So they have to get the entire way there. It's kind of similar to mine. And that the person who's in

and they're going to follow them on the GoPros. Whatever they have to do. Can't use their arms. What about opening their wallet? They have to figure it out. If they use their arms. Ask a small child to do it. Yes. You could pay someone to do it

once they take the wallet out. That's all I do. I just pay a small child to go with me and use their arms for everything. What about a companion? Can you have a companion? It depends. But they can't use their legs. It is whatever you have on you, too.

So you don't know what you're getting into. You didn't realize this when you showed up. So it depends on what you have in your pants and what you have money-wise. So they'll follow you you have in your pants and what you have money-wise. And so they'll follow you. You use your arms. They kill the member of your family that you've got left. But you don't know which member of the family it is. So you might get all the way to Mexico and find out it's, like, your cousin Larry that you fucking hate.

And that's the only one left in your entire family. So it's also a crapshoot of whether it was even worth it to do it in the first place. Right. Wow. Okay. Which part? Where in the first place. Wow. Okay. Where in Mexico? A bad one. Southern.

Cozumel. I want a place that's got gangs and no beach. Juarez. Yeah, Juarez. That's northern Mexico. Yeah, that's just the Texas border. But you gotta stay there for a month or something.

What do they win? That's whether or not their family member survives or not. Oh. So it's a punishment. So they get to keep on living their life? Yeah. Well, we're gonna call that one Armless Adventure.

I liked it. Mine didn't have any legs involved. The Obstacle is You. Yeah. The Obstacle is You. Yeah, The Obstacle is You is a pretty good name. John Claude Van Damme's Warehouse and Scooby-Doo Airplane Ride.

That's the name of mine. Ed? Mine's going to be kind of like Running Man a little bit, but just in the way that we're going to use prisoners. If they complete it, you know, obviously, you know. You know, basically you die or you win. So what we're going to do is...

But if you win, you become a celebrity. Yeah, your life's great. So it's definitely a get-out-of-jail-free card, but, you know, you kind of got to pay for it. Well, what we're going to do is we're going to put them up in Morocco or Egypt, somewhere up there, and we're going to fill all their holes with honey, like in their ears and their assholes and the tip of their dicks and their pussies and shit like that. Fill with honey.

Nipples? If they're secreting, then yes. And then we're going to make them just walk through to the bottom of Africa. And if they make it, they get to keep it. All of Africa? Yeah. Cool.

Oh, but that's what's cool, is that if you have subsequent seasons of it, at the bottom of Africa is the last winner, the last king of Africa. Yeah, you gotta wait. And he's just been training ever since he got out. Exactly. He's been lazy. He's ready to go. So say Morocco

to the Cape of Good Hope. Cape Horn. Yeah, we'll do that. And then bonus level in Madagascar. Go over to the island. Yeah, but I want you to walk over the top of Africa and like, I don't know, I kind of want you to zigzag down because I want you to hit Morocco. I want you to hit Egypt.

And I want you to hit Kenya. But I also want you to go all the way over to Congo and Chad. You know a lot about the map of Africa. I'm good with geography. He can't find his home and he can barely put his shoes on. He knows most countries. Yeah, so I want some zigzagging. And yeah, like I said, if you conquer Africa, if you can make it, then you get to keep it.

What's it called? King of Africa? Yeah, sure. Who cares? No one's going to win. What about you call it Waukee the Pooh? Waukee the Pooh? Because of the honey.

I was going to call it African honey. African honey sounds great. I like that. There's a lot of like sex parts. It sounds really sexy. How about... We call it African honey. Of course. Most of the time.

And every country you get to, they refill you with honey. Oh. Oh, so every time you cross the border, you get honeyed. Yeah, you get re-honeyed. But you also get like a soda or something. Yeah, and it's like... And, you know, they also get like 20 minutes, you get a meal, you know, and then you get rehoneyed. But you also get like a soda or something. Yeah, and it's like, you know, you also get like 20 minutes, you get a meal, you know, and then you get honeyed, you know, after the meal.

I don't, I mean, yeah, I don't think the honey would be that bad. They'll clean you off. Well, no, it's the bugs that are going to get you. Yeah, they'll get you. They're going to crawl up in you for that. Eat you alive. Those African bugs don't give a fuck. To be honest, though, it feels like the honey's going to keep them from getting inside of you.

They're going to be attracted to you. They're going to get stuck. Yeah. In fact, some might say that this is impossible to do. Yeah, it is impossible. But it's going to be a great TV show. Yeah. And everyone's going to be excited to watch it.

Someday. And we're going to decrease the prison population at the same time. Yeah, prisoners. They're big and strong, too. I mean, I don't know. I feel like someday someone would, some season would win. Yeah, prisoners. They're big and strong, too. I mean, I don't know. I feel like someday someone would some season would win. Yeah, eventually someone would have to win. But that's kind of the fun of

the game is you keep watching to see if someone finally do it. And then once they do it, the ratings will probably slide down a little bit. Are there horses in Africa? Nah. No way. They just got big old fucking birds. They got camels, though, right? I think there's horses in Africa. They got cars. They got horses in Africa? Horses, they got camels, they got it all. They got camels though, right? I think there's horses in Africa. They got cars.

Horses, they got camels, they got it all. They got zip lines. That's for people on cruises. So Marcus, well, The Obstacle Is You is a pretty good money maker. You're right it is. I like that. And it has a deaf person in it.

It's American Gladiator. With broken legs And supermarket suite And people's heads get kicked off And it starts on a slide I missed the Batman part Oh because of the fucking rollercoaster I love Scooby Doo Airplane Ride

It's really fun man You get to fucking hang out with a cartoon character Which nobody gets to do That's going to be for me I'm just going to do that So I'll, that's gonna be for me. I'm just gonna do that. Alright, so I'll count that as a win for this week. Well, not really.

Alright. But we'll count it. Van Damme Warehouse, also a lot of fun. Really fun. Hmm. If I don't win, I want Kevin to win.

At first I was thinking, You don't get to choose it, though. At first I was thinking that it would be impossible to film since it's all in the dark, but, night vision camera. That's a little night vision camera. That's the first thing you fucking think. You also gotta think about

how many people get to hang out with Jean-Claude Van Damme. That is true. You can pay $150 visitation fee. He will take that camera. He's not doing great. And there's the mystery of it as well. Every week you don't know what Van Damme's gonna do to that person. You can do all sorts of things.

You can do the Van Damme cam. Steal from Jackie's, the GoPro. And by the way, Armless Adventure and African Honey will be combined when I run for president in 2016. Oh, nice.

You already said your personal favorite was mine, so we can go ahead and kind of It is important to hold up your winces Temptation Island You are not going to choose Temptation Island Absolutely not There's no way in hell That Temptation Island is going to go

I'm going to say this At least, even if you lose You fucking see either two pussies Or four titties. Oh, yeah. I'm not doing it. I'm trying to make some money. I'm trying to put it on air. Temptation Island. People start fucking each other.

No one's going to watch a show that's just four questions and two dollar bills. But then you get all the chocolate if you play your fucking cards right if you're honest and you don't steal. That's one episode. You can only give away the Chocolate Factory once. Every day. Whether or not they're going to sleep with my wife

or not, they're going to see my wife's pussy or not, they know it's my wife. I'm fucking America's beloved Henry Zebrowski. Scoop from A to Z. You're going to look at my fucking wife's fucking pussy? The show is getting canceled. I want to have like a deadliest I want to have like a deadliest catch tracker on the prisoners.

We'll release them in 30-minute intervals. Then we can see who's where and who's getting what. So, Margus, you've ran through everybody's idea like you were leading up to the best one. But I guess no one wins. See if Jackie shared the win. No, absolutely not. What's going to TV? Van Damme Warehouse.

Alright, well, I got my wish. Because if I didn't win, I wanted Kevin's idea to win. Star power. It's got star power to it. Star power and solid martial arts. Yep. All right. Balls on the screen, man. Well, that's this week's wonderful episode of the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Thanks for listening. That's Jack E. Zebrowski. Why are you doing this? Look at her. And find her on Twitter at Jack the Worm. And then find Ed Larson on Twitter at what's next, what's underscore next underscore Ed. And Holden McNeely. Holden talks for 30 minutes coming in June.

That is never going to happen. You're going to have to make it yourself. They're already making show posters. Yeah, it is literally never going to happen. I'll absolutely make it. We have to now. But Holden's not going to do it. They started making show posters.

You already tried to do a show, but you just never did it. Bonkers. 30 minutes isn't even that long. Bonkers. We still get a lot of stuff for it. We got some more Bonkers. It's them. There's one episode. We got some fan it. Bonkers. 30 minutes isn't even that long. Bonkers. We still get a lot of stuff for it. We got some more Bonkers. It's them. There's one episode.

We got some fan art for Bonkers Radio. I don't want to talk about news. I don't want to talk about politics. I don't want to talk about music. I don't want to talk about movies. All these things can be categories. It's got to be nothing. I don't want to talk about any of the things

that anyone ever talks about on podcasts. It's going to be completely unique. And your fucking mother is a fucking bitch, whoever's listening to this. So what's the prep you're doing for June? Oh, my God. My mother's a bitch. Why is it coming out in June? You could just do it in February.

No, it's coming in June. Or, dare I say, January. When's it leaving? It's leaving in November, man. It's going to do it for a few months. When's it leaving? Leaving in November, man. It's going to do it for a few months. It's going to do it for a few months. Kevin Barnett, Fatboy Barnett on Twitter.

Check him out. I'm at Ben Kissel. That's at Henry Loves You. Yeah, don't worry, Robin Williams. I'm going to be doing Flubber 2 in your fucking stead. It's all fucking good, dude. That's nice. No guests. Support all the other shows here on Cave Comedy Radio.

Top Hat, Brighter Side, Sex and Other Human Activities, Last Podcast on the left. This is Roundtable. What am I missing? It's page seven. What about that show that's called Hey, Let's Cough on Cum? That debuts this week. They ran out of loads.

Oh, man. That's sad. We'll talk to you soon. That debuts this week. They ran out of loads. Oh, man. That's sad. All right. We'll talk to you soon. Good night. Yeah, that's it. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.