The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 228: Fratartacism

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a blind man dies after burning himself up with a microwaved towel, an English man is arrested for sexing up a mailbox, and a dog in Queens is named heir to a sizable fortune. Joining us today: Benji Aflalo and Henry Zebrowski!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your life. You know, you got moon shoes on.

You got a piece of the moon in your house. All right, everybody, close your eyes. It's time for a guided meditation with me, Holden McNeely. I isn't over yet. You are a Holdenator. So excited about June. I just tapped out. Yeah, I can't do it now.

You can't wait for June when I talk for 30 fucking minutes. My eyes are fucking open as shit right now. Your load blows at minute 10. Your load blows at minute 10, your mind blows at minute 20, and your whole mother blows you at minute 30. So this whole thing's just a promo for your 30-minute bullshit thing? I listen to him talk for 30 minutes constantly, and you know what? It's awful.

I'm with you on this journey. You float up outside of that bliss and into a dark dungeon room. You are in Ben's room. You are Ben. Sound asleep. You wake up for a moment. Probably like ten people depending on me to get up at two

to offset their whole fucking bullshit. Ben was late earlier today for a last podcast I am so not concerned because this podcast is always supposed to start at 6.30 we've never started earlier than 7 so you guys can only eat oh that's a chicken wing

fell on my mouth I'm sorry to interrupt your video game play I know you had a lot to do today oh nevermind I'm just gonna fuck with this welcome to the roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. Honestly, fuck Holden McNally and fuck you all. I'm constantly here.

All I do is work for free, so suck my dick. I'm late occasionally. Benji Aflalo, you're here in the truck lot. I just want to get the name off so I can say it right, so I said it. You said it right. Thank you. Thank you. Benji's here. Who else is around the Roundtable? I'm here, and you know, Kissel, are you going to be upset this whole time?

I'm not upset right now. I already got my rage out against you. I'm done with it. I don't care. I'm happy you're over it. Thank you. I've been over it. I'm smiling. I feel good about it but I just want to know who sleeps until 3 o'clock in the afternoon? Someone who has worked for CCR for 4 years

without getting paid. We all do. We all work for free. And by the way you're about years without getting paid. We all do. We all work for free. And by the way, you're about to start getting paid. Yeah. So the moment that you're about to start getting paid, I'll only be a half hour late. I woke up at 10 o'clock. You can't use the argument that you don't get paid because none of us get paid. I woke up at 10 o'clock. I made coffee.

I made eggs for myself. I did push-ups in the morning. You did not do push-ups. Yes, I did. It's really funny looking. Yeah, it's fun. It's so fast. It's fun. It's cool.

I can do it, man. Sensible day. Henry Zebrowski. Henry, can you show us some lunges that you'll describe? Yeah, so basically what it is, it's kind of like a crab walk. He puts his hands on the floor and he goes three point Foot down And he baby crab walks back up To stand up It's like a push up

And he crabs stand up That's not a push up I'm half drunk Those are his crab walks That was not a physical exercise whatsoever Benji you're an athletic man What do you think about that as an exercise technique That was sad man

I'll tell you what man I used to be 300 pounds So the fact that I can even hop up and down I think of Benji, you're an athletic man. What do you think about that as an exercise technique? That was sad, man. Thank you. I'll tell you what, man. I used to be 300 pounds. Oh, really? The fact that I can even hop up and down is a fucking wake-up call to everybody. Wake up, America. Michelle Obama. Wake up. It was cute, though.

It was adorable. It's like he's inventing his own exercises. Encourage him. It's like a koala bear exercise. I saw it in the back of a comic book. They said to do this while reading so that you can, I don't know, get rid of some of that waist fat, you fucking dumb nerd. And it said that on it, too. You're a fucking dumb nerd.

Beat the sweat out of him. Holden, you're here. Holden Edders, ho! Ed Larson was skipped, and I'm here, and fuck Holden. Coming in June. Coming in June. Coming in June. Henry Zebrowski is here as well. Yeah, stronger than ever.

I'm bigger and better than all of you. Well, you are bigger. Hey, hey, hey. All right, I'm Ben Kissel. As always, that is Marcus Parks with the news. Marcus, what's the first news story, dude? A drunk man was caught trying to have sex with a post office box in the middle of a shopping

arcade. I love it. In Scotland? This is in Manchester in England. That hole is up real high. Yeah, you have to climb up there to get in that thing. Let me ask a question. How short was the dress? You think the mailbox was asking for it, the way it was dressed?

Walking around, just standing there with a fucking hole in the side of it Begging to be raped It's called a mailbox Think about it Mailbox Put your postage in me I'll send it all around the world Is that what you say to I don't want to know

Yeah yeah He puts stamps inside of my vagina And I pretend like I'm in Liverpool I'm not your doctor I'm just your brother But I'm going to say not I don't want to know. How much is it? Yeah, yeah. He puts stamps inside of my vagina. Oh, good. And I pretend like I'm in Liverpool. I'm not your doctor. I'm just your brother. But I'm going to say not healthy. He licks them first.

What kind of stamps? Like Simpsons stamps or like? Usually it's stamps of national parks. Okay. Because I like to learn a little bit. I do. I would personally do history of baseball. I like Young Elvis.

Okay. Yeah, I was going to go with Young Elvis. Ooh, that is good. That makes it saucy. Maybe the JFK collection. I like Young Elvis. Yeah, I was going to go with Young Elvis. Ooh, that is good. That makes it saucy. Maybe the JFK collection, something like that. Paul Bennett, 45, was spotted walking towards the post box with his trousers down and making, quote, sexual advances

towards it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This wasn't in Spain. That's what I got. He then rubbed himself against the post office box while holding his hands in the air and shouting, Wow! Having a good time with it.

His dick was out? Oh, yeah. His dick was out. Yeah. And after completing the act, he pulled his trousers up and started swinging on the lamppost. Let him get away with it. It's not fun. You know how cold it is there right now and he's

completing outside? That's impressive. That's incredible. He's an old man too. Is that really a crime though? Oh yeah. It's supposed to be sex with anything in public. Coming in public I think is a crime. Usually. Unless you're trying to put a fire out or somebody got stung by a jellyfish or something like that.

You got to come on those. It makes me feel like that thing is obviously painted. Isn't he going to get paint chips? You know, it's like. Not if it's good ass paint. Or if it's raining. Or if it's raining nice. Did he come in the mail?

It doesn't say whether he came in the mail or not. That's a federal felony. Because that's where I feel like that's where the crime is. Did it say that he finished? Did he complete? He did. It said after completing the act. Wow.

I think that means come, right? It has to be. That's pretty great. If you come in the box, it's a crime. But if you come on the outside, you're just patriotic. I think that's fine. I think that's just like... I love the mail!

You can just wash it off with a hose. A hose. The problem with coming in there is if it gets on a bill. Wash it off with a hose. Don't. Where did he stick his dick exactly? Well, he stuck his dick into the hole. Wow.

So he had to climb up or you think he was like upside down from the top? It could be way. I mean, he would have to climb up on that. Did you have a buddy helping him? Like a buddy holding him up by his fucking pants? He was solo. Yeah, fucking get it, fucker. Or a bucket. He could have came with a bucket. Yeah, a bucket holding up by his fucking pants? He was. Yeah, fucking get it, fucker. Or a bucket.

He could have came with a bucket. Yeah, a bucket or a stepladder or something like that. Always prepared to have sex with the post office. An alarmed eyewitness called police who found him exposing himself again when they arrived. He was arrested and launched into a foul-mouthed tirade as he was led away by officers. My dick is out! My dick is out! My dick is out! That's what I imagined he was screaming.

What if this is guerrilla marketing for UPS? They're like, you see what you get? You tried the public post office. Now you got five letters. The one you wanted and the four attached to it because of an old man's cum. These UPS boxes don't have a single dick-shaped hole in them. And that's what we do to protect you.

I work for UPS. You see this box? No cum on it. No cum on it, huh? That's funny. It's because it's electrified. No, you could definitely cum in one of those UPS drop boxes, though box? No cum on it. No cum on it, huh? That's funny. It's because it's electrified. No, you can definitely cum in one of those UPS drop boxes, though. Give me a break.

That's a whole shelf for cum. Yeah, you can cum in anything, really. What can brown do for you? That's your slogan. Yeah. That's fucking gross. If you think about it in that way. I thought it was all our workers are brown.

Oh. They wear brown outfits. Oh, okay. I thought it was about them all being black people Oh wow Or Spanish No I got a Chinese You have a Chinese?

Did you? Yeah That's brown enough He always comes into our shop And he goes Hey ladies You have a good day? And he goes right into our bathroom

Blows it up And then leaves Oh I love that guy Every day He's having a great time He dyed his hair bright red He did? Oh yeah He's an older great time. He dyed his hair bright red. He did? Oh, yeah.

He's an older fellow. How does he look? Not so good. Oh, that's too bad. He was shocked that we noticed, though. Isn't that something? That's nice. You made his day.

I guess if you really want to know the scoop on public bathrooms, ask your local UPS guy. Where they go. He's going to know the best bathrooms. Because you guys have a solid bathroom. He always goes in our bathroom. Yeah, you guys are you can change the UPS to United Piss and Shit. Yeah, never trust them

when they're like warming up to you because it's just a matter of time. They're like, I need to shit here once a week. Now that I'm in with you,

now that I know you, I can come and do this. I don't know, forget all my packages, I don't care. Remember that three day to five day thing I got done in a day?

I shit here now. On the live stream, we've got listener Zach Hines. He said, I used to work at UPS, and there was a sticky box covered in some white stuff, and I still shipped it out. Lol. That is a lol. You've got to ship it out. I have no problem with it.

You know, what's inside the package, that's what matters the most. And if you have to go through some cum to get it. It was just more cum. Yeah. You can't put it through the mail, that's what matters the most. And if you have to go through some cum to get it. It was just poor cum. Yeah, it's, well, you think, yeah. You can't put it through the mail. Unless it had divorce papers in it. Yeah, you can mail semen.

It needs dry ice. Otherwise, there's really no point. Maybe it was just Greek yogurt. It's kind of like, you know, when they put the wax on a letter to stamp it, like in the old days. You know, stamp it with some cum. With some cum. Yeah. That's official.

You can track that right back to Ed Larson. That was me. That's official. You can track that right back to Ed Larson. That was me. That's better than a signature, my friend. You gotta cut back on wax. I feel like we just have to start

cumming envelopes shut. Don't you have a thing where your sperms are too big? No. My sperm? Yeah, with the actual thing.

Yeah, my sperm, they're three pounds each. Yeah, they all have a set of boxing gloves. His sperm carries briefcase and shit. Yeah. They meow when they come out.

Well, they're lunchboxes. This is objectophilia, right? I think that's what it's called. Is that a thing? You can come on anything. Give me a break. You can, but this guy obviously loves, he loves, I don't know what it is about it, but I guess he loves the illusion.

Well, to give a little bit more of the story, Katie Beattie, the prosecuting attorney, said the complainant heard shouting and swearing outside her window and saw the drunken defendant arguing with a woman. The woman left and Bennett lay down on a bench and started to shout before sitting up and exposing himself. And that is when he started walking towards the post box

and making sexual advances. First thing you saw, it could have been a fucking anything. It could have been a stop sign. This was technically a sarcastic protest. This is not a sexual deviant thing. This is about him going like, Oh, you don't want to fuck me? I'll fuck this mailbox.

I'll fuck the mailbox. I'd rather fuck the mailbox than rape a woman. Thank you for saying what's important. She was probably like, women aren't objects, you're an objectophile. And then he's like, you're right, I'm going to go fuck that mailbox. Mailbox can't say fucking no. So yeah, so he wasn't sober.

No. Okay, cool, great. No, no, no, no. He lives in England. The court was told the woman, Witness Bennett, rubbing up against the post box with his trousers for quite a long time. The defending attorney said the lady watched for some time and was ashamed,

disgusted, and upset, and my client accepts that. It's a little bit wet, though. Just like a modicum of wet. Please, don't be so rude. We all use that. His criminal record's mostly like post office PO boxes.

Started off with slots and then I moved on. He was handed a 12 month community order with an alcohol treatment and supervision requirement. He was also ordered to pay 50 pounds compensation to the victim, 150 pounds in court costs and a 60 pound

victim surcharge, and had to sign the sex offender's registry. Oh, I don't agree with that last one. I don't think you should sign the registry. He's not a sex offender. Also, it's like, I wish I got paid every time I saw a dick out where it shouldn't be. I will say, though, rarely is it gonna

be a better... Like, this is the... It's the best thing that could have happened to him if he does have to register as a sex offender. be like, what happened? Did you fuck a kid? Why are you moving to my neighbor? He'd be like, I banged a mailbox. He'd be like, oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, that's great. Give this guy a drink.

Or just starts locking up their mailboxes when he moves to town. You know, whatever. Your mailbox is sexy as fuck. I'm your neighbor. If I come in it, I'll put the thing up. I'm sorry. Just clear it up afterwards, please. The court told me I gotta pay as fuck. I'm your neighbor. If I come in it, I'll put the thing up. I'm sorry. That'd be nice to know. Just clean it up afterwards, please. Let's just know, like, the court told me how to pay this much. Here's your 60 pounds.

I'm just going to do it just in case I fucking get a little randy in the nighttime. Well, our UPS guy said that the box was for Vistaprint, which is for business cards. There you go. Very good. Not cum. All right. Well, yeah, of course. Yeah, it's not for cum.

No one really orders a cum. Yeah, what is for cum? Nothing's for cum. Wait, do they, yeah, of course. Yeah, it's not for cum. No one really orders a cum. Yeah, what is for cum? Nothing's for cum. Wait, do they have that for all fucking uterus? No, of course they ship cum. We've covered this many times before. Animal cum.

I think if you want to get some drugs over, get a gallon, get all your boys over, fill up a gallon jar full of cum, shove the cocaine in that. In a Ziploc bag. Would they confiscate, you know, oh, it's got to be three ounces or less. Ziploc bag Would they confiscate

You know Oh it's gotta be Three ounces or less Alright How do they confiscate I think bodily fluids You probably need Like a doctor's note

Or something I can't imagine You can't just have A mayonnaise jar Full of cum And put it through the mail Like I don't know I mean

I feel like it'd get through I think it gets through They ain't looking at it That's for sure I'm gonna start Saving up my bile You know what you do I feel like bile

Is worth a lot of money On the lid You write cum C-U-M Just like on the. You know what you do? You feel like bile is worth a lot of money, right? On the lid, you write cum. C-U-M. I didn't laugh about it. You put it through and they search. They look at it and you're like, I'm not opening it. It would take quite a few people to fill a gallon for the total amount of lifetime ejaculate for a man.

With a milking machine? It's just regular masturbation. The total amount of lifetime ejaculate is only 14 gallons. Wow. That's it? That's our entire life. Actually, that is quite a lot. That's quite a lot, though.

That's a lot, yeah. Especially, I don't know. Well, what do you blow in an average load? Do you blow like 12 ounces or so? I mean, I feel like I'm shooting like... No, not 12 ounces. I think I'm like a beer a month probably. A full beer is worth a cup. No way.

A month? No, is that too much all there? Yeah, like a small... Like a pony beer? It's deceptive. Yeah, there's a lot of cum in there. Really? I was going to say 16 ounces.

Sometimes, you know, it's goopy. Sometimes it's big, but that's if you haven't done it for a minute. And then, yeah, but then all those times you're missing out on it. There are tiny little ones. Yeah, yeah. Well, I got 14 gallons of cum here, a lot of tiny little ones. So this took me a lot of time. So the average amount of cum per ejaculation is...

I'm going to say, can I say three ounces? Tablespoon. Much less two teaspoons. Two teaspoons. Wow. Yeah less two teaspoons. Two teaspoons. Wow. Yeah, two teaspoons, which is about.2 ounces. Wow. Wow.

Wow. It does kind of splatter, so it might be deceptive. You're like, oh, look at the range on that. But it's like, eh, it's kind of sprinkled. Yeah. Spread out. It's thin. I think two teaspoons is kind of a lot.

That's kind of a lot. Yours is thick. I get the thick sometimes. Elmer's glue. Sometimes it's thick. I think that means you're dehydrated lot. That's kind of a lot. Yours is thick. I get the thick sometimes. Elmer's glue. Sometimes it's thick. I think that means you're dehydrated. Is that dehydrated? Maybe.

Or backed up. I'm like, oh, it's thick because I'm backed up. I don't know. It's real thin. Mine's always clear. Mine's always mixed in with my dumpers. Clear. Yeah, clear and thin.

I mean, you're smart. Lucky in finance. That would be the best thing For a girl to say After you cum on her Be like oh that's good stuff That means you're smart Instead of like

Reading your palm You got this cum all over me You have to be smart I started off reading tarot cards Now I'm reading Cum on my stomach Let's take a look at that Oh look

It's like a shape of an anchor You'll be traveling soon Oh it's not bad You're grounded in reality It's actually like A really good idea For a massage parlor. Come readers.

You get a handy and then you get your fortune told. It would be busier. Yeah, it would be big. I think so. People want their fortune told and people want to

fucking drop loads. I don't give a fuck about my fortune, but if you're going to jerk me off, let's talk about things. Oh, by the way, happy Martin Luther King Day.

Let's talk about the future. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody. Speaking of teasing. Go get jerked off on Martin Luther King Day. You deserve it. He was black, right? Yeah, Day, everybody. Speaking of teasing to come. Go get jerked off on Martin Luther King Day. You deserve it. He was black, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mostly. That's so weird. I thought he was just Spanish and he was out in the sun for too long. No, no, no, no. He was like 60% black. But his mom's name's Selma? Yeah, his mom was Selma.

But didn't he rape a bunch of white women? No, no, no. You're not supposed to? Correct me if I'm wrong, he got shot because he fucked a mailbox and came in it, right? Or he didn't come and the mailbox was pissed off. He was like, bitch, I can't

fuck no mailbox. Fucking dick's too big. I need to fuck myself a chimney. Alright, so that's the portion where we talk about Martin Luther King all the time. If Kevin was here, we wouldn't have done it. No, we definitely would have fucking done it. You think so? Yeah, of course. If you wouldn't have said

that when Kevin was here, then you're a racist, Ed. Is that true? Yeah, of course. Is that how it goes? Or is that how it's like polite? If I was a drag queen, I would have went as Martin Luther Queen. I would have danced around to old fucking 60s. I would cancel this week. And white face.

Yeah. I'm Martin Luther Queen in white face. Total white face. I think that'd be sweet. Just even whiter than you usually are in Luther Queen. Dress like Avril Lavigne kind of because you got to have the tie and the coat. Yeah, exactly. Love Avril.

My question is, how come there isn't a date for Malcolm X? My people died. Malcolm X does not like you. Who are your people? My people, you know. People in glasses? Indo something or Indo. Indo Chinese?

No, probably not. Go with people with glasses. Scotch-Irish. A little bit of German sprinkled in for a good fucking S&M. Is the Asian Martin Luther King General Sao? I'm not sure how to feel. Alright, Marcus. So this guy fucked a mailbox. People just

said stupid shit about Martin Luther King. Stop that conversation. Blind Pennsylvania man has died after accidentally setting his clothes on fire while trying to warm a towel in a microwave oven. Damn shame. It happens every week.

People don't talk about it enough. He was one of those guys who became blind because he was too stupid to see. Yeah. Maybe he's not blind. He just opened his eyes. Would it be okay to call it the towel cost? Sir, you just tipped it. Thank you.

You can still hear it smell, right? He's a fucking idiot. 68-year-old... Sal's towel cost. Yeah. 68-year-old James Schaefer told investigators he was warming the towel to put it on his sore leg Tuesday, but investigators say using...

Because I thought my leg was my steak dinner and I cut it up with a fork and knife. Yeah, that'll hurt. I was trying to get my bath poof out of the oven and I hurt my leg. But investigators say using a microwave to warm a dry towel will cause it to burn within 15 seconds.

Schaefer didn't realize the towel was burning when he reached inside to get it and he set his clothes on fire. 80% of his body was burned. He remained calm and even apologized to emergency responders as he was taken to the Pittsburgh Hospital. It was also noticed that

he was wearing his pants as a shirt. And let it be known that he nicknamed that towel Anne Hankey. What? That I don't understand. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, General

Sows is the Asian Martin Luther King. He died early Wednesday from inhaling hot air and fumes. All right. Very good. What? Hot air and fumes. That's how he died? It was from the towel?

Mm-hmm. Do you think the paramedic, like, worded the words, like, let's stop and get food first? This guy deserves to die. It's not gonna make it. We haven't had a break in 24 hours. It's a good idea though, this guy. I can see where he came up with the idea.

He wants to heat up the old leg there. This isn't a bad place to do it. I mean, it's not the worst idea, I guess. I've heard worse. I mean, I've used up a towel before. I put it on my face when I'm congested. But yeah, but you wet it first. Oh, you gotta wet it.

And being blind doesn't make you not know that. Being fucking stupid does. Yeah, why isn't he looking up on the fucking internet? Oh, because he can't see. Oh, I can't fucking see. Now he's burned to death. Yeah. I mean, it's tough for a blind guy.

How does a blind guy know what he's setting the temperature to? Or the seconds and minutes to? He shouldn't have a microwave. He keeps licking his fingers and touching the plate to see if it's hot enough. And it's like, oh, that's about burning level. Oh, I see. Right, right, right. He reached in without being able to smell, I guess, the burning towel.

And then when he reached in, that's when he set the rest of his clothes on fire. And he died, which a lot of people don't actually die from burning to death. They die from smoke inhalation or inhaling the flames. For example, when people are burned at the stake, they don't actually die from being burned. Thank God. They die because they inhale flames, burns their lungs up, they die. That's too bad.

You got to put a wet cloth over their mouth to make them last longer. That's the whole thing. That'll keep it going. Actually, they did figure out that they were dying too quickly, so what they started doing was slow roasting them. Ooh, good idea. I'm really hungry.

Tape their eyes shut. That's what I always said. Right before he died, he was like, I see a white light, and the doctor was like, no, you don't. Yeah, you never would. He's just like, but I think I can see. Yeah, but if you inhale flames like that, do you get to at least breathe fire a little bit?

I think so. Yeah, you get a couple of cool fire dragon breaths. I think you could. No, it's just the smoke that kills you. It's the carbon monoxide that kills you. I think it was the turtleneck that killed him. Yeah, I think it was the lotterytleneck that killed him. Yeah. I think it was the lottery that happened when he fucking was born killed him.

You know what I mean? In terms of genes and all that. Well, he's already blind, you know. Yeah. Was he born blind? I mean, I don't have his medical history. He was 18 years old, so. Yeah, I'm going to say he was born blind.

You got to assume he lost. No, he was 60. He was 68. Would you rather. Oh, let's look at the next article. I'm sorry. He was 68 years old. Would you rather be blind or have hands where your feet should be and feet where your hands

should be? I don't know, man. I can figure it out. I'll fucking make it happen. Fleshlight for feet? There's a foot fetish fleshlight out there that's just a foot, but it's not even for a foot fetish. It has a pussy on top of it

where the ankle would be in. I absolutely hate that. It's more for someone who would want to cut a foot off and fuck the wound. There's no reason for it because the thing is a foot fetish you like looking at the feet and people would want to jerk off on the feet. Not the side of the cavity of the calf. No, that makes you a cannibal.

You ever jerked off to feet? No, no, I haven't, but I know Kissel has. I've been trying to. I'm not into it. Why have you been trying? You said that on the last podcast, too. I don't know. No, he's just trying to get into it. Can't get into it. Rex Ryan likes it. He's the coach of the Buffalo Bills right now,

so that's good. Do you guys know about WikiFeet? What's WikiFeet? It's this website where they manage to get pictures of celebrities and some comedians' feet, like pretty girl comic feet. And they're like, do they have my feet on it? No. It's like if you do like a red carpet event. They're like, crop out your feet, put it up there, and then all these people rate your

feet from like attractiveness, sucking. See, I think it would be great if it was their red carpet picture, but their feet was also their head. I think that would be great. The whole thing with celebrities' hands, you know how some people have their thumbs look like toes? Right, right, right. And that there's a big thing about going against celebrities

who have hands where their thumbs look like toes, i.e. Kristen Stewart. Well, if you lose a thumb, the first thing they take from you is your toe and vice versa. The toe and the thumb are the same thing. Alright, would you rather be blind or turn into a canoe one day a month? I would love to be a canoe. Oh my god, ride me

on the river! Do I choose the day? No, it happens randomly. So it could fuck your whole shit up. You could be a canoe for two days straight. Yeah, it could be the 31st and the 1st. Yep. Or the 30th and the 1st, depending on if it's a hoop. It'll be nice to do a long weekend.

I'm sorry if anybody's blind who's listening to this podcast right now, but I'm going to say straight up, that is a fate worse than fucking death. What, being blind? I don't know! Ray Charles did fine. Yeah, he was a millionaire. Heightened senses. They're superheroes, man. I watched a great interview on

ESPN. They get lost in the backyard. That will happen sometimes, too, and they will get lost in backyards. But I watched an ESPN interview with this chick. She was blind. She was an athlete, and she was like, I can hear your heart beating. I can hear if you have an irregular heartbeat. I can hear you fucking

breathe. I can hear you think. That's what she said. Why was she on ESPN? Because she did something athletic. She was a runner. How much harder your life would be if you're blind? And who fucking needs that bullshit? End it, man.

What are you looking at, though? Give up. That's in blind, my uncle. I mean, do heroin first and max out your credit cards. But then, yeah, kill yourself. I think being blind is not the word. How many times do you look at something that's just totally disgusting and you want to vomit? I would definitely do heroin if and max out your credit cards, but then, yeah, kill yourself. I think being blind is not the word. How many times do you look at something that's just totally disgusting and you want to vomit? I would definitely do heroin if I was blind.

Sure, you can do whatever the fuck you want when you're blind. That's the great liberation. That's why, yeah, if I reach the age of 55, I'll also do heroin. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go older. Go older, Jackie. You know, 55, I expect to be dead before then.

What? No. So 55, I give myself free release and rework on that. 75. Trust me. 75. Trust me, you'll make it. 55 is the new 25.

That's not true. 55 is the new 35. 25 is the new 15. 25 is the new four years old. Yeah, man. I'm a baby. So I went to wikifeet.com. Listen to some of these usernames.

Feet, toe, soul smell. Oh, God. I need all three. Otherwise, what are you doing? Sounds like a crystal deodorant. Nico BJ. Travis Loves Feet. Mr. Hate.

Five. That's nice. Mr. Hate. And Five Star Feet Fan. There you go. I like Five Star Feet Fan. I think they should all be kind of like feet-centric. You know what I mean?

It would be weird if you get on there and you're just like, name's Kangaroo Joe, 457. Yeah, I agree. Ooh, there's a guild. There's a foot guild? Oh, what is it? So they all have like top hats and shit and robes on? They've got a podiatrist on retainer.

It's a way to let members moderate the site's comment section. So joining the guild gives you moderating power. Oh, well, this is like the last podcast page. So are there some... Oh, we got a lot of foot fetishes on there. I take umbrage. I take umbrage only because the amount of fucking... I like Harvard.

Right, guys? Yeah, that's right. Start calling me Harvard. I like that nickname. Yeah, Harvard Zabrowski. That will never be said. Never be said. That is so stupid. right guys yeah that's right start calling me harvard i like that harvard zabrowski that will never be said no never be so stupid how empties your fucking life if you are a martyr a moderator for a feet jerk off website you're doing good oh moderator okay now we're learning new words

moderator yeah dude this girl's cute they call me Harvard, Harvard Zabrowski. No, they don't. Ivy League Zabrowski. No one's ever said it. No one ever will. Give us a few more words. Precussionist. Oh, guydactory.

Which means the guy who sets up a set of drums. No, gaydactory. Gaydactory, which means very gay. Very gay. You got... For tarticism, which means to smell a fart and you go to sleep. Ah, for tarticism. Yes, I've heard of that before.

And he's got it to an all-wrestling women's hall. I don't like this. I don't trust this site because it said that it was going to be Lorelei Lee. I know what Lorelei Lee looks like. She's a porn star. This is not Lorelei Lee. She's cute, yes. Write her, right? Write the website. That know what Lorelei Lee looks like. She's a porn star. This is not Lorelei Lee.

She's cute, yes. Write her, right? Write the website. That's what the moderator's there for. The guild will answer your questions. Exactly. The guild is fucking up right now. You see that... One job! You see that porn star thing that came out with Them Without Makeup? Maybe it is her. No.

I know what Lorelei Lee looks like. Without makeup though, Marcus? Not without makeup. There you go. I can imagine. Marcus can name the porn star by the hole. All right. I just name it by this sign of her.

Like when you hear like a, I know fucking what she is by that noise. Yeah. Who you watching now, Henry? Um, I don't know. This woman named a Cree-gore. She's got no legs. I love Kregor. She's one of my personal favorites. No, it is. I think it may be, but

it's cool because it's true. She's got talons for ears. Yeah, it's cool. I don't care, man, because the truth is out there. The truth is out there, but when you get to the truth, sometimes you can fucking jerk off to the truth. Boy, oh boy, I want to bounce on her bench. I've never seen Down Syndrome porn, and I've looked for it.

I don't think it's legal. Marcus, if you search for it, I think it's illegal. Yeah, I'm going to say don't do it because, honestly, mentally retarded people are not allowed to legally have sex, and so I'm sure you can't legally film them having sex, and I'm sure you can't legally jack off to them having sex. I have seen pictures of, at the very least,

naked Down Syndrome people. So what do you think about this? 1995 AOL chat room gif? It was, if I remember correctly, a woman with Down Syndrome naked in a tub. Could be a butterface. She did not look like she knew what was going on.

No, I don't think that she does It was something I saw on 4chan One of those things you just kind of skip over But it's in there It's in my head So she's doing great She's doing good right Totally

She has down syndrome still Did she have like a rain shower head Was she living okay It was a bathtub it wasn't the worst shower that I've ever seen. This is great. It was a fine bath. Was there a bar on the side to make sure she could hold on to it while she soaped her feet? Got to.

All right. What is happening today? No, but she was thoroughly cross-eyed. Yeah, well she had a major mental problem. That's okay. I'll put it this way. If I'm paying for a Down syndrome prostitute to come sit on

my tub so I can piss all over. I'm just saying if I was. If I'm going to do it, if she's not cross-eyed, I'm sending her right back. And you know what that means? Is that they put two in the back of her fucking head. You know what you got to do? You just hit her in the forehead with a horseshoe and then go cross on you. And check out

Henry's romantic comedy. A to Z. A to Z. Malcolm X! Yeah. That's Malcolm fucking X! She's cross-eyed, so if you have a problem with eye contact, it's no problem. No, I don't. Yeah, I like it to be a shadow like I'm looking at. Right, right. So, well, if we can

isolate that footage and ruin Henry's career so he can be on this show forever, that would be great. How come there's no Gandhi Day? There's Gandhi Day. Everyone has a day. India, I bet. The U.S. government killed MLK. The U.S. government murdered Martin Luther King, and this is the fucking prize.

James Earl Ray isn't smart enough to work for the government. Everyone dumb works for the government. Where's fucking Balky's from Perfect Strangers Day? Day, yeah. He did a lot. He died. Did he? Bronson Pinchot.

I think he should have a whole fucking day. No. Actually, Bronson Pinchot, I think he did die. Very much alive. 55 years old. Totally alive. Close to die, though. And not very much alive.

You know who else needs a fucking day? Judge Reinhold needs a day. I don't know. I think you're giving him a day. From Beverly Hills. I feel like he's got his heyday now. I like Judge Reinhold. Everyone loves Judge Reinhold.

Does he deserve a day? Maybe he's not right now. But guess what? I'm the slow one. And I'm not saying me or anybody connected to me, but if someone wanted to get a sniper rifle and put two in fucking Judge Reinhold's chest, you will make him more important. He will grow bigger than what he is.

He will be a symbol to this country. Oh, no, Judge Reinhold looks bad now. Everybody, take a look at Judge Reinhold. Why did you do doing plastic surgery? Plastic surgery, why? You can't pay for your youth. You know what? He actually, it's like he got the Renee Zellweger face.

He did. He got the Renee thing, the Jessica Simpson thing. He's got the Barry Manilow face. The Heidi Montag thing. Man, the Barry Manilow face looking not so good. Yeah, he's supposed to look dumber. I miss his dumb face. Have you seen that Chinese baby with the natural

mask face? I was just about to talk about that. Man, say it again. I'm sorry. It's a Chinese baby that's born with a face that looks like it's wearing a fucking mask. It's awesome. Show it in the picture. Show baby mask face. I was scared. And that's also going to be my Chinese.

They let it live? I guess. Well, yeah, you got to let it live. I mean, it just doesn't. They kill all the babies. They let this one live? No, this one is a man. He's got a cool little face.

That's too bad. It's the bone structure of his face. We're not going to have chicken cheating. The first thing to ask me is, please, take off your mask. Please, I need a chicken. I'm sorry. I forgot to do. I guess Halloween will be cheaper.

It's an accident after pulling a towel out of a wok. Benji Alapalo. Next news story? Yeah, let's do another one. Whatever. Kill Judge Reinhold. Don't kill Judge Reinhold. No, he's fine. He's a great guy. He's hideous. He already killed himself, for Christ's sake. I'll give $75 to the first person who kills Judge Reinhold. No, he's fine. He's a great guy. Yeah, he's hideous. He already killed himself, for Christ's sake.

I'll give $75 to the first person who kills Judge Reinhold. You're going to get half of your money? You might have to bleep that one. Yeah, technically, you just solicitated murder. That's not right, Henry. It's satire. I'm playing a character. I'd rather put two into the girl he loves.

$50 to kill Judge Reinhold's girlfriend. That's not right. $50 to kill Judge Reinhold's girlfriend. That's not right. Judge is beautiful. His wife, his girlfriend is beautiful and I loved him in everything he ever did that I don't remember seeing him in. I like all this dangerous territory we're walking on. It's so bad. Henry, your sweater is too

tan orange for you to be saying that. What are you talking about? Tan orange is what your sweater is. It's umber. Ugh, you are. I disown you. Ivy League. Henry Zebrowski. Who's the man we thought he was? I don't know, man. He's got all these fancy sweaters on.

You're about to go to fucking jail and you're not gonna last 15 minutes. Jackie, I know a thing or two about making friends. And if you airdrop me into jail, I'm going to be the funniest man in the cell block. You're just going to start

doing your little crab exercises. You're like, let's fuck this fucking guy right in his titty ass. I'd be like, guys, guys, guys, guys, let's all think about this. My ass is full of shit.

To be hard, to be hard in prison, just tell them you fucked with the judge. Yeah, I fucked with the judge. Judge Ron Holt, he's a no touchy touchy area. Because all the different gangs agreed that no one could kill Judge Reinhold.

I've heard that. It's so charming. Yeah, no doubt about it. I feel like this is the first podcast I've ever done where I'm not the one saying this stuff. Where they're like, we're going to have to. You're threatening death on people? Oh, yeah. This is the regular thing.

Whatever energy they're giving you, I'm not. I support it. It's a matter of time until I say something really bad. First amendment. Well, I have about ten words that I'm not allowed to say. Contract, murder. I feel like there's another amendment that counters what you just did. A couple out.

You cannot have a militant standing at home against your orders. What are you going to do if someone kills Judge Reinhold and they come to you for $75? $75 gets paid on the moment. They have to bring you the body, though, to swim, right? I need the head. Yeah, you're going to need the head. Well, that's great. You just put a hit on a public figure.

That's really nice. A lot of people who really grew up with him in the 80s and really respect him. I hate to be Jewish, but getting that loan is going to be tough. That's the problem, is getting the money. Now hear me out. If you're a judge though, $75 as you die, that's a sad amount of money to get murdered for. You're definitely

getting killed. It's absurdly low almost. What kind of job do you think you work in prison? Me? Yeah, cafeteria. Laundry. I would be either in the sewing department or I would be doing the radio station. There is no radio station. There is no fun in prison.

There's no radio station. No, I would be the DJ. I'd be the funny DJ. So it's like, it's not good morning Vietnam, though. Right. You realize like a prison's not. It's different than a camp, like going to summer camp. I would obviously be running the talent show.

There is no talent. I don't think they're allowed. Occasionally they have talent shows. You can do weather for the jail. Oh, yeah, just walk around. Same weather as every day. It's brick. There might be some sunlight, depending on where your window is.

It's going to be cement and kind of wet. Hey, just so you know, that guy who throws his shit in CD, he's still throwing his shit. So don't go down there between 3 and 4 p.m. I'd be the ghost. Gonna haunt the jail? Yeah, haunt the prison. I think you'd be a good bird man where you had a parakeet and shit

and you're like, nobody touch my parakeet because he's the only lover I've ever had. What does the bird say? I feel like if you had a bird on your shoulder and you got arrested, the officer would just rip the head off the bird. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you don't get to keep the bird. If you're in Obama's America. Well, it's really, it's Reagan's America, really. Yeah. We could go into that. I don't think you get to have any fun in jail, and I'm just devastated that none of your dreams can come true. They all get to have fucking fun.

Sprinkler Day, Slip and Slide Day. All those days. Crocodile Mile Day. Yeah, everybody, they got Toe Sucking Friday where you got to suck some fun. You'd have a lot of fun. Oh my, well I'm going to get into that one. And me spinning records, man, and listening to me

do all my funny characters and my wacky send-ups and news stories. I can't wait until you end up in tax evasion jail when you're like 40. You're going to play in a hot tub drinking champagne with a bunch of others. You and Wesley sniped his kid because Snipes taught him everything he knew.

You and the guards have your annual badminton contest. I got to tell you, Henry, your form is improving. You got to be the dude that does the cool roundhouse kicks. That guy's the coolest guy in the block. Yeah, with all those exercises you're doing, roundhouse kicks is the next stop for you, my brother.

Everybody's like, nobody fucks with him. He does the coolest looking roundhouse kicks. You would look like such a fucking idiot if you did a roundhouse kick. I'm born for jail. Henry Zebrowski's in jail because he offered anybody who listens $75 to kill Judge Reinhold. So just keep that in mind if you do happen to see the man and you want to make some easy cash. Next news story. A best-selling account of a six-year-old boy's journey to heaven and back has been pulled after the boy admitted he made up the whole thing.

I love it. He made it up. Let him have it. Well, you just have to rebrand the story from real to fiction, right? Yeah, it's kind of fun. He imagined it. What's it called? Heaven is Real? The Boy Who Came Back From

Heaven. A Remarkable Account of Miracles, Angels, and Life Beyond This World. No, this is a different kid than the kid you're talking about. He took a nap and he was like, I saw heaven. He's like, no, you're retarded. Go back to sleep. No, there's multiple kids who have this exact same story, and their parents just fucking run with it. This is like the third kid that it's happened to,

and sure enough, they're all frauds. They made money. Who gives a fuck that they're frauds? But you know, the thing is, I don't even think he made money. The religion, the church made a bunch of money off the books, and I don't think they saw that many royalties, and that's why the kid was like, it's all bullshit. Yeah.

Spokesman Todd Starowitz of Tyndale House, the leading Christian publisher, confirmed Friday that the kid was like, it's all bullshit. Yeah. Spokesman Todd Starowitz of Tyndale House, the leading Christian publisher, confirmed Friday that the book was being withdrawn. Earlier this week, Malarkey acknowledged in... It's such a perfect... If you're a Christian, your last name has to be Malarkey. Bob Malarkey, evangelical. Well, that makes sense.

That's a bunch of lies. And all these kids have weird names. His name is Alex Malarkey. The kid that did Heaven is for Real that Holden was talking about. His name was Colton Burpo. Burpo. And his father was named Pilo Horseshit Burpo. I thought it was Molesto, King of the Underworld.

Molesto. Molesto. I'm Molesto. I can't wait to molest that little boy. I got your back, bro. Thank you, Benji. Thank you. You don't wait to molest that little boy I got your back bro thank you man thank you you don't have to molest him

he can't really defend himself you just take it also it's just too much work to molest him may as well just pull a book off the shelves that's a good point yeah I tell you man

so far you've been an expert on foot fucking and fucking six year old boys yeah man so far yeah don't get me started about 15 year old boys cause man

I can spin a yarn. Turn it. First of all, be a teacher, right? Yeah. The first rule. And then be a fucker. And then you fucker. Very good, Jackie.

What? That's right. That was too far? That was good. It was perfect. I liked it. I was giggling like a little schoolboy. Yeah, it's fine.

Literally, I mean, the felonies have been committed so far already on this podcast. You can say whatever you want at this point. I love gentricide. Henry's fine. Literally, I mean, the felonies have been committed so far already on this podcast. You can say whatever you want at this point. I love gentricide. Henry's going to jail, so I can do whatever I want. I can't go to jail, man, because they got to

fucking kill me first. Find me in Mexico. That is not true. I'll be singing an old queer Torita song with my bandolero. So fast, it would be sad. I would love to see him

just weep I'm guilty I'm guilty cop gets me I'll be like guess what cop I'm fucking Teflon and I'll be like damn you're cool as fuck and then I give him 75 dollars cop himself goes and kills judge Reinhardt

alright well I don't know if an officer of the law cop comes up to me and he's like oh Henry what do I gotta fucking do to suck your cock do you come in my mouth and I go oh man I don't know if an officer of the law. Gop comes up to me and he's like, oh, Henry, what do I got to fucking do to suck your cock till you cum in my mouth? And I go, oh, man, I ain't gay, but guess what? I fucking appreciate that you fucking want it, right? And I do it anyway. I'm going to let him blow me out next to a laundromat.

It's possible. I can see where you're coming from. Then I go to Italy, man. I know. You're going to go to Italy. I'm proud of you. You'll fit right in. Here's the short, fat one with the beard.

Which one? Italy is a perfect place for you to hide in plain sight, Henry. Mussolini. Mussolini. Well, Alex Malarkey said that he... Malarkey. What a bunch of... What a bunch of...

We just talked about it. Can I please? Jesus Christ. Can I please? Get past the fucking name. You're so good, though. Malarkey. Now placing bids on getting this little boy killed. $60. I got bullet in his head. Malarkey.

Now placing bids on getting this little boy killed. $60. Undercut. Wow. Unbelievable. Gotta get him hard first, though. He said, quote, I did not die. I did not go to heaven.

When I made claims that I did, I had never read the Bible. People have profited from my lies and continue to. They should read the Bible, which is enough. Heaven to him was a Dave and Buster's that he was naked at and confused. He's like, Heaven, yeah. It's a regular dream. The facts of the boy who came back from heaven have been disputed in the Christian

community, mostly because they completely contradict Colton Burpo's book, Heaven is for Real, which came out first. Because he says that there's a couple of slot machines, and then you got Benedict Arnold, who totally cleared all his bullshit,

and he's there making fondue. Disputed by the Christians, and everyone else in the world is like, yeah, why do you believe that? Why would you ever believe that? It is on par with people who argue, like, the greys run the world no it's the reptilians that's the exact same thing and also no one ever read the book by little trey littleton that said hey i died and there's nothing but fucking blackness after oh i love that book it was short yeah well it's keeping a rail there ain't nothing after not. What did he describe heaven as?

He had a different version than Burfo did, obviously. Let me look at what his version of heaven was. What his version was, he said it was just a thing that said the N written on the inside of a fucking casket. Dude, honestly, when you die, Henry, and it won't be too long because of your health problems, that will be perfect on your casket. We're going to write the words at the end. You just stare at it forever. You're like, I'm still alive!

It's an Igmar Bergman movie. I'm definitely going to bury Ed with a bunch of bananas. He's got to have something to eat. I got the monkeys to dig me up. A monkey paw bears? Monkey paw bears carry your casket

To the Oh man Yeah yeah yeah And then right before Like after As soon as all the dirt's on top of me Someone's gonna like Speak monkey sign language

And be like The casket's filled with bananas No matter what They're gonna dig me up And we're gonna dance the night away No matter what At all of our funerals Until I fucking eat my lips off

And fucking All of us At all of our funerals No matter what Because we are all We are all so big, there's going to be multiple fat jokes just said by the pallbearers, guaranteed.

Whoever has to carry our casket is going to be livid. I'm going to be a very light load. We're going to throw you like a football into the ground. Especially after a long bout of cancer. It's going to be so great. I can't wait.

We're taking 40-50 pounds off this skin frame. Your teeth are going to look better. They's going to be so great. I can't wait. We're taking 40-50 pounds off this skin frame. Your teeth are going to look better. Don't get cancer. Marcus is guaranteed to get it. Guaranteed. Are you? Oh, yeah. Why are you saying that? That means you're about to get guaranteed. Everyone's going to get cancer.

Everyone in this room is going to die of cancer. Cancer. Sorry, guys. It's the aneurysm. It's just a matter of when. Cancer. It's the phones! It's the phones that are going to die of cancer. Cancer. Sorry, guys. It's the aneurysm. It's just a matter of when. Cancer. Yep. It's the phones. It's the phones that are going to do it. You're going to die before cell phones. You know what?

We used to smoke cigarettes. No one thought they were bad for you. Everybody had mouth cancer. Everybody died from it. The phones are. We all look at the phones. We all use the phones. We're all dying because of the phones.

You just smoke a pack a day and you just don't want to quit. No, it's the phone. You just smoke a pack a day and you just don't want to quit. No, it's the phones. And the phones are going to get me so I'm going to smoke until I incinerate myself. I'm going to die crashing into my fucking helipad on top of the building I own.

I'm going to try to eat an elephant. I'm in tusks to the head. I'm going to put two in. There's nothing after. There's definitely nothing after. There could be a heaven after. Who knows? I bet it's just a bunch of dogs in heaven.

I hope so. Running around, just mangy dogs. That'd be kind of fun. What if you fucking show up for like an hour? Yeah. But then you realize it's for eternity. When you show up to heaven, dead Judge Reinhold's going to be there

and be like, dude, why? Why would you do this? Why would you fuck? No, actually, he probably, if it's going to be there and be like, dude, why? Why would you do this? If it's all real, he'd be like, thank you for fucking releasing me from that shitty body I was chained to. Let's go talk at the cheese plate. Yeah, cool. Hell yeah, Judge Reinhold. Holy shit, this kid said that he met Jesus and Satan.

Fuck yeah. He met Satan. He said that he appeared, Satan appears through, quote, a hole in heaven. Like a glory hole? Yeah through, quote, a hole in heaven. Like a glory hole? Yeah, yeah. He's always in heaven. None of these angels will suck it.

It's a little hole. You look and it's like Satan's cock. Oh, my goodness. You're going to jerk it off to leave? He's like, I got to talk to you. Look in this hole. Stab you in the dick. Are we going to talk?

Yeah, we'll talk One more time Gotcha Gotcha Gotcha This is very suspect The books about Visits to heaven genre

In Christian literature Extremely profitable The 2004 book 90 Minutes in Heaven Spent five years On the New York Times Bestseller list And sold over

Six million copies Is that a game That middle schoolers play When they put each other in a closet? 7 minutes in heaven. They lock you in a closet. Books are used to stop... Can you fucking throw it and fit some fingers in? If you can, I guess so.

I was never invited into the closet. Slap them titties. The books are used to stop fights in the kids' cancer wards. Yeah. By throwing it at the kids. I would love to break up a fight in the kids' cancer ward. Yeah. By throwing it at the kids. I would love to break up a fight in a kid cancer ward. All right, all right.

You both have cancer. Leave each other alone. You know, a lot of common. That's the ice cream. Shut up. So you think MLK and Malcolm X are ballroom dancing up there right now? Absolutely, man.

I don't know, man. They're kissing their fucking dreams away, man. Could be. Could be. You think they're sneaking little kisses? Fucking making out. Fucking licking each other. I think they're all down in hell with Robin Williams

and the little girl from Poltergeist. The little girl from Poltergeist is in heaven. You've been going after Robin Williams lately. I'm sick of his legacy, man. Leave him alone. I'm sick of his legacy. Is that what you just said?

You're bitter and you're angry. Because of the thin air in heaven, MLK and Malcolm X are complaining that they can't breathe. Yeah. Eddie, did cartoons go to heaven when they die? Cartoons? Oh, yeah. It depends. Most of them just end up, you know, nothing.

Erased. And FXX. Pooh is definitely in purgatory. No way. Pooh Bear makes it. Fuck them all. Brown Bear. Well, cartoons don't die unless you stop thinking about them.

So Pooh Bear is still very much alive. I think it's kind of fucked up that they made like, I don't know. This whole Tigger thing I think is messed up. What do you mean this Tigger thing? Tom Gray posted on my Facebook all today. What's the Tigger thing? A.A. Milne.

It's his birthday today and he can go fuck himself with his fucking Tiggers and his fucking Roos and all of his fucking piglets and he can take them down with his fucking tiggers and his fucking roos and all of his fucking piglets and he can take them down to fuck. You know it's happening. What are you guys talking about? Winnie the Pooh from what I understood was full of child like characters who were doing things to entertain

the children that they were like. Eeyore wanted to kill himself. Eeyore is definitely dead. They were all raping his child. That's why the child went into this fake world. Christopher Robbins? Because he was getting molested, molested, molested. He was not getting molested. Why would he create this separate world?

I'm going to put it this way. Molest, molest, molest. Molest, molest, molest. I'm going to put it this way. He had those tiny little shorts on, and he had that tiny little shirt on. That's what I'm saying. He was molested. He was turning around like he's the fucking king of the forest.

He got butt AIDS. He wanted to get molested, maybe, but I'm saying he was not molested. Butt AIDS. Definitely has butt AIDS. Butt cancer, I mean. Sorry. I don't want to get offensive. Oh, butt cancer.

King of the night. He's the king of the night. Christopher Robin. Yeah, he's having a good time. I agree. He's up all night getting pounded by somebody he doesn't want to be. I'm asking, what happened with Tigger? Why are you guys railing on Tigger?

Oh, because, you know, I mean, first of all, his name's fucked up. And he's like, oh, he's like. How is Tigger fucked up? He's a tiger named Tigger. I don't know. I don't know. He has. I don't know if you last heard Tigger's voice.

You know, I mean, it's like. I am at a loss. You know, and he always. He's a tiger. He drinks that syrup and he just starts bouncing around everywhere. I don't know. I know. You're projecting your racism onto him.

I'm not projecting my racism. I'm saying I calls him like racism onto him. My last! My last! I'm not projecting my racism. I'm saying I cause him like I seize him. Martin Luther King died seven years ago tomorrow. No, he did not die seven years ago. And is it worth never remembering? Everybody knows that Walt Disney was a Nazi. I want to bring it back to heaven real quick because I'm wondering right now, in this very moment,

do you think there's a big-ass lake full of cum and eggs from all the fucking sperm? If you want it to be there, it will be there because it is heaven. It is the promised land. You have a Catholic point of view about the half a baby we spurred out of our dicks.

Like a giant lake in Michigan of dead sperm and eggs. Dr. Seuss killed three Vietnamese prostitutes in order to see how their organs worked. I will not have you guys destroying my idols that taught us how to be people. Fuck his legacy. No. And Robin Williams was a great man.

Dr. Seuss was a great man. Tigger is a great character. All he wants to do is spread joy. How many times do you think Nelson Mandela had dinner with Bill Cosby? How many times? Oh, wow. That's a question. And so, I mean, being in prison that many years, Bill Cosby is still probably the most rapey person he met.

They each fed each other the drink and they just passed out at dinner. Oh, you were drugging chicks, too? Oh, I've been drugging black dudes. I've been drugging black dudes, too. Nelson, you would be so surprised how fast they go to sleep when they give them the special cup that I got. Oh, my God. Nelson, you would be so surprised how fast they go to sleep when they give them the special cup. Oh, my God. How adorable is that?

When two people who use Spanish fly to rape people meet each other and they both take it. Like, did you? But I bet that would actually lead to a lasting relationship. It might. It might. All right, Marcus. Seven years ago tomorrow. I'm fucking black, man.

You're not black. You're not black. You said the N word a fucking black man You're not black You said the n-word a lot but you're not black I'm fucking black man It's different I get it I fucking know it's going down One more story A Queens woman loves her pet Maltese

So much that she rewrote her will To leave the pooch A million dollar fortune consisting of jewelry, a trust fund, and a vacation home. $90 to kill the dog. No, do not. Bella. I brought this story to Marcus's attention.

Bella is the name of the Maltese. Bella deserves a million dollars. That's Arise's name. It's cute. She doesn't have that much money. That's for fucking sure. Well, she should be more loved. Boogie is

Bella's boyfriend. Boogie is a chihuahua and Boogie loves Bella so much. He bought her a $600 necklace. Dogs can't buy things for each other. But he did it though. That's how much he loved her. Where are you getting this?

That's from the New York Post. It's in the article. No, I'm reading the New York Post article right now. Well, I've got a different article than you do. He cut the article out of the paper, and he folded it up, and it was in his pocket. That's really sad, Kissel. Bella Mia doesn't bark much and never travels in a carrier. You love dogs too much.

The pretty pooch even has a boyfriend, a chihuahua named Boogie who showers his girl with gifts. Last Valentine's Day, he gave a real $600 diamond necklace. She loves him. It doesn't make any sense. Dogs can't give gifts. Obviously, Roseanne, the mother of Bella, bought the necklace for Boogie to

give to Bella, but nonetheless Boogie gave her the necklace. Sloppy reporting is all on a face. It's not sloppy. You're racist because you're against a Maltese and a Chihuahua having a relationship. This is like the movie Hairspray. The thing that does drive me insane though and I think should be fucking banned

under penalty of torture is when someone gives someone Christmas presents and says it's like from the dog. I love it. What is wrong with you? Dogs don't shop. Dogs do shop if they're allowed into stores and you have to be blind to have that happen. Dogs are great.

No, our parents do that too. That shit pisses me the fuck off. Every Christmas I got to buy a gift for the dog. And then when I sign the card, it also has to be from Tootsie, my sister. I watch our black lab pull herself from the rug she sits on to the water and the food that she eats. She's so fat. She pulls herself across the floor because she's too fat to stand up.

That dog did not go to the mall. That dog did not buy me leopard print rain boots. Do you want the vote? If your parents didn't feed her. Your parents have a feeder gainer relationship with you and that fucking dog. With them and that dog. And that's why it's so sad. Your dog would have gotten you those gifts.

Same thing. 50 pound beagle. All right. This thing's gigantic. It's supposed to be like what? 20 tops? It's supposed to be 22. Like most.

Like it's a 50 pound beagle. It's the fat. It's going to die. Did you see the fat beagle online? Is that what you're talking about? No, my mother's It's a little bit smaller than that fat beagle. When I saw that beagle, I was like, my mom's dog is disgusting. Can you believe that Eddie's mom

and Henry and Jackie's mom both overfed their dog? I can't believe that. It would be a character trait of how they feel they should care for them. We're not 300 pounds anymore.

We fought it. We beat the hold. You're holding yourself up right now on your seat. You're not even sitting on the chair. What's wrong with you?

I'll let you guys know this. I just worked on the CW Dog Awards and I met Lassie. Oh. Lassie? Was she a cunt? Was she sexy?

No, how was she? She was really sweet. Was her pussy shaved? Groomed. You shave a fucking dog's pussy. My last! Everyone was excited to meet, like, not exciting celebrities for me. That's the nicest way I can put it.

Right, right. My big thing was Lassie. Oh, I'm with you on that one, Benji. That's perfect. Gotta have one. Is Beethoven dead? Probably. Oh, I hope not. on that one, Benji. That's perfect. Gotta have one. Is Beethoven dead? Probably. Oh, I hope not. There's a bunch of Beethovens.

Charles Grodin, Beethoven, though. A plus. They don't last very long. Yeah, no, they're like six years, seven years, and their heart explodes. It's the size of a pumpkin. They're too big. All the Lassies die. All those celebrity dogs have died many, many times. That's pretty cool. That's like Batman. That's like Batman, but it's real. Michael Keaton's not dead. No, Michael Keaton's

very much alive. He just won some awards. $112 to kill Michael Keaton. Don't you dare. Unbelievable. At least $150. Come on. Well, I've got some facts about, you also want to know about Beethoven? Yeah, of course. Well, answer, this is

from Yahoo Answers. User Wolf said, I think I heard something about him having gotten cancer know about beethoven yeah what happened to the dog well uh answer uh this is from yahoo answers user wolf said i think i heard something about him having gotten cancer of some kind i tried to look it up to be sure but i couldn't find anything to confirm or deny it and by the way uh chris was the name of the main dog in the first two movies so there was one main dog named Chris in Beethoven 1 and 2, but afterwards, different ones called Cujo, Canine. Cujo is a great name. Canine is just redundant. So they all force food names? But I will say Chris is my least favorite.

I hate when they give the human name to the dog. No, I love food names for dogs. Yeah, tomato. Like pepper. Waffles. I have a human name for my dog. What do you got? Cheryl.

Cheryl? It's a little more of a dog. What kind of dog? It's like a chihuahua pincher mix. Cheryl can work in that situation. I like dog versions of jazz musicians like Charlie Barker, you know? I made those jokes for three weeks. That was the only one I got.

Yeah. Miles Barkis. That's stupid. That's good. That's stupid. That's good. Those are great jokes. Raise the woof, everybody. Stuff like that. That's good. That's stupid. Those are great jokes. Raise the woof, everybody. Stuff like that.

That's what I did for three weeks. That was great. This is my dog. It's called fucking dog. Fucking dog? Yeah, fucking dog. Molest! That's a good name for a dog, too.

Seven years ago tomorrow, man. Molest. It ain't right, man. All right, stop for a second. We're going to hold a big deal. Money for murder. How much money are you throwing down? Who's getting killed?

Oh, you changed your segment? You changed your segment. It sounds better. I don't like the other one. I'm fine with this segment, yeah. $200 for fucking Wes Anderson, Henry. Wow. Okay, cool.

Well, I'm ladled down four or five. So what I will probably say is I will give personally $22 to the person who kills Ashton Kutcher. Wow. What are we saying here? What are we giving out? Oh man, there's so many celebrities to choose from.

I'm not going to say I don't want to kill them quickly, but what I would like to do, I will give you $100 to slowly get Justin Bieber fat and then he kills himself. There we go. So secretly sneak the butter in. Sneak the butter in. What Eddie did to a waitress

when he used to work at the Village Pour House that he didn't like. He slowly got her fat and then she got fired for being too large. That's really fucking devious and secret. You don't know this story about Eddie? There was a bartender slash waitress who used to work there. He hated it. She would always get sales.

Oh, I wasn't paying attention to your story. Just pork sauce and fucking butter. And she got too fat and they fired her. You snuck it into her salad. I didn't get it too fat. She fired it. You're evil. I bet the salad tastes delicious.

Here's what happened. What was the kind of shit she said? Too fat she fired. You're evil. Oh, man, she was a bitch. I bet the fountain's delicious, though. All right, here's what happened. Here's what happened. Why did she talk? What was the kind of shit she said? All right, so I went behind the bar, and she was reading a book. I was like, oh, what are you reading? She's like, Anne Rand. I was like, oh, what is it?

The Fountainhead? I don't know. I was trying to make conversation. That's right. I didn't give a fuck. That's right, though. Fountainhead. Good one.

You know the book. I was like, yeah, it's The Fountainhead. She's like, oh, I didn't think you read like that to me. Whoa. We don't, but also. And she's like, by the way, if you need a drink, I'll get it for you. You can't come behind the bar. And so I was like, all right, I hate you.

I want you to die. Get her fat. And she was really vapid. She was a really shitty vapid Valley Girl type of chick. And she was really stupid. One of the people that like pretended she was smart and uh so every day she whenever she ordered i would just like pour butter on whatever she like ordered and like all this stuff and i pretended to be very sweet to her i pretended like i played into the idiot that she thought i was right for months

yeah i thought i thought she was at months and months this is truly like this is truly whenever i went to like get coffee i'd buy her her a piece of candy and give it to her. Like, hey, have a good night. It's nice to see you. I love working when you're working. Kill the kindest thing. And how much weight did she gain? She gained like 30 pounds.

And then when did she get fired? She didn't get fired. She left to get breast implants and then never came back. Anyway, that's I Want to Kill Justin Bieber. And I'm taking Eddie's true life story, but I'm doing it with the Biebs. I got her, though. She got fucking big.

I'm sure that she... Her boyfriend left her. It was great. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, that's fun. All right, money for murder. What are we doing? Oh, man.

You should call this Murder Fistful of Cash. Let's see. Who am I offering money to kill? This is a joke, I have to say that I'm not fucking joking So be ready for serious My shit's dead serious Satire I'll use a currency that doesn't matter

What do they use in Detroit? I think it's just toes Dog bones I don't know I guess Bieber's good I'm already killing Bieber Oh right you just want to get people fat I need to be skipped I got nothing

You have to say something Somebody for any amount of money What's the easiest segment I've ever run? Just a name and money. Name someone that could die. Kim Jong-un. I don't know. Probably like someone who books a show somewhere that they haven't put me on. Any booker. Any booker of any

comedy club for how much money? Two drinks. Okay. Two drinks. Two drink minimum for any booker. Jackie? Well, I'm going to have to go ahead and say, you know, get Kissel and Holden to move back in together. Molest!

So it's like, we're not going to molest them. We're going to keep them in a room together for a while. We're going to kidnap them, keep them in a room for a while. And I'm going to say, if you can get them, kidnap them, put them in a room. I want them to play video games. I want them to have a good time before we fucking waterboard them, but also then tickle them to death.

It's going to be a fun death. I'm going to say $3,000 for the kidnap, Holden, and Kissel to make them have a fun, happy, but also untimely death. It's supposed to be celebrities. Technically, on this podcast,

we are celebrities. I have 300 fans on my fucking fan page. Goldenators, ho! Or I mean, if you want to go Whoopi Goldberg, I'll throw Whoopi Goldberg in there too. Do Whoopi. Whoopi Goldberg? How much?

Because I love her so much. $124 to kill her. Okay. And molest. Ed? Me. I will pick $20

Rin Tin Tin Canine Cop. Already dead. He's way dead. Way dead. The movie was from 1991. Jim Belushi then. Jim Belushi's dead.

I don't know. Jim Belushi's dead. All right, Marcus. Who gets the contract? Oh, and actually, one of the listeners, Zach Hines, has aushi's good. Jim Belushi's fine. All right, Marcus, who gets the contract? Oh, and actually, one of the listeners, Zach Hines, has a pretty good one. $300 to whoever kills Larry King. Oh, you can't kill Larry King. Yeah, no, he's undialed.

He's part Holden. I think he's talking about the last podcast, Larry King. Yeah, you have to unplug his heating rock and get rid of his salt lick. Either Larry King would work. All right. You know what? Fuck it. Let's kill Wes Anderson.

Yeah. Why not? Holden wins his own segment. Holden fucking won. I'm buying that. I couldn't give a fuck about Wes Anderson. Do you have the $200? Oh, fuck yeah.

You come up with it. I've been saving up for a PS4. I got two goes. All right. I got two goes I got two goes throw them bows I'm going to say this is satire it's all satire don't kill anybody and we don't have

the money to pay you so that's the satirical aspect of the interview I'm actually a big fan of all his movies there is no money here that's been the round table Jack the Worm she's's on Twitter. And then Henry loves you. What's next, Ed?

And then follow Murder Fist, follow me at Ben Kissel, follow Marcus Parks. Benji, anything for you? I just moved to New York for like a couple months, so I'll be hanging and stuff. What's your Twitter, buddy? At Benji Aflalo. Awesome. And I want to say, you know, thank you guys so much for all the CCR love. iTunes has been great.

Roundtable has been in the top 200 the past two weeks, and it's been really fucking badass. Thanks for supporting all the shows. Brighter Side and Holden Speaks for 30 Minutes. You're going to hear that in a couple of months. There's nothing after. Holden Talks for 30 Minutes coming in June. Last pod, page seven, and Top Hat and all those things. Oh, and next week comes out the Roundtable of the Year nominations.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's been a lot of buzz this year. Yeah, everyone next week comes out the round tip of the year nominations. It's been a lot of buzz this year. There has been. A lot of votes are coming in. So is Che going to show up this year? I don't even know if he's nominated yet. The votes are still being tallied. It's very interesting the results that we've been getting.

You can't. What about my campaign? Your campaign? How's it going? You're derailed. Where has it been? You fucking... Yeah, it's all gone. And check out the

Roundtable Facebook page as well. And we live stream every week at 6, 37, 730, possibly. Maybe 8. Depends on when Kissel shows up. Anybody has a van, I'm looking to start

holding hoagies traveling around the tri-state area. That's great. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.