The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 229: Spookers!

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a woman is furious after a picture of her wetting herself is used to advertise a haunted house, the Cannibal Cop is looking for love on Match.com, and an Irish grandmother is busted for selling cocaine.

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what?

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Guess I'm not seeing Selma. Guess I won't know what happened. MLK.

That was my plan. 755 Selma. I heard he lives. I guess I'll just continue to not know what happened. You should have made him live. Is MLK even in Selma? Do they go to the assassination? Do they take the whole thing?

It's just the march. Oh, it's the Million Man March? No, it's the Million Man March. That was in the 90s, wasn't it? That was the 90s. wasn't it? No. When was the Million Man March? Yeah, that was the 90s. It was like a Jesse Jackson thing. Oh, I thought the Million Man March.

See, I need to go to the movie. You might actually have to go to the movie. I don't know any of it. I literally have to tell everybody that they don't have to see this movie. I always zone out during that part of history class. You're the only person. I get it, man. All right, man. I think it is important that selma was made you know i

went to a private school i think there was a black person there once yeah i don't even know i don't even know man i think i do remember we had one black history teacher and he was like this year i'm not doing what they told me to teach I'm just going to teach like all African history and shit and you literally the whole class went like aww that's beautiful I had to learn about like you know Marcus who's praying today?

I believe you are. Oh am I? Alright dear Lord thanks so much for causing the snowstorm that's going to be coming through New York City tomorrow I hope a lot of things go terribly wrong for a lot of individuals. Amen. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. God damn it.

That was nice. That was a nice prayer. I'm excited. We're expecting, what is it, 20 to 36 inches tomorrow possible. 36 inches. Damn, that'll cover my fucking dick. Where's Holden? He's fucking the new snow.

Oh, fuck, man. Making it green. That's awesome, man. Yeah, this snowstorm's going to be fucking badass. I love snowstorms, though. I feel like a kid before, you know, the night before a possible snow day. But the sad thing is when you're an adult, you just have to still go through your daily routine and just suffer. And you also realize that a lot of people are going to die tomorrow.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, the homeless, huh? At least six or seven. At least. What do you do? You're homeless, caught in the middle of a gigantic snowstorm. Go to a shelter. Well, okay, shelter closed.

You didn't sign up in time. It's all full. You never know, yeah. You're like warrior style stuck in the city. Where do you go for warmth? Subway station. You make that G-Train a booze cruise. You just have a good time

with it. I'd ride the train all night. They got plenty, man. They got tunnels. That's the thing. Ed, you're here. Let's do the intro. Ed Larson. How you doing, everyone? Welcome. Looking forward to some snow. Very good.

Kevin, you're here as well. Oh, word. to some snow. Very good. Kevin, you're here as well. Oh, word, yeah. Good. All right. That's perfect. Not even long enough. You need to take a sip of your beer before you let it keep going. No, but the homeless people, they know what to do in these situations.

I mean, it's us folks who have homes that we don't understand how we're going to, you know, act when the weather goes awry. They're used to dealing with difficult situations and improvising quickly. There's at least one kid that's going to sleep next to an open window and wake up with a frozen head. He's dead! Frozen head? How did he die?

Doing what he loved? Getting froze to death? I don't know what he was into. You never know. Alright, Marcus. How are you going to handle the snowstorm? By the way, you're a Texas boy. You ready for it? Oh, I'm fine. I was born during a blizzard.

The Great Blizzard of 1983, they called it. Yeah, Ed's fucked. He lives in a basement. He's the one we've got to worry about. Yeah, it's going to be really difficult for me. And I can't wait. Yep, it's going to be great. So get your booze, guys, if you're in New York.

If you're in the East Coast area. And also, what do you do? Wake up once an hour and try to remove the snow from that little, because I mean, if snow packs into that little space right in front of your door, you're fucking trapped in your apartment, dude. Oh, I'll just call the guys upstairs and they'll get me out.

This happens all the time in Wisconsin. Well, not all the time, but relatively regularly. A person will start a fire in their chimney not realizing their chimney is full of snow burns down their house. Or just smoke inhalation, too. Smoke inhalation, yeah. A lot of facts today.

A lot of facts. The round table is helping you survive the snowstorm. If someone understands heavy snowstorm, it would be Ben Kissel, the Wisconsinite. That's right. That was my nickname in high school, was Snowstorm. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. No, it was hip hop.

I was just going to get blown at everybody. Snowstorm would have been a cool nickname. Snowstorm's really so much cooler than an animal that's super fat. If you played a big white center, that'd be great. Snowstorm? Don't fuck with Snowstorm. That would be awesome. It's a good American gladiator name. I'm surprised there hasn't been a pro wrestler named Snowstorm. That would be awesome. It's a good American gladiator name.

I'm surprised there hasn't been a pro wrestler named Snowstorm. Let's work on this. All right. Marcus. Billy Snowstorm. Yeah. What's his move?

His move's the fucking the plow. Where he does like the he puts two arms out with fists and he spins in a circle. And takes a piss and it's called the sprinkler.

Yeah. Makes that noise. That will be something fun that you can do tomorrow is pee in some snow and write your name maybe. I've never done it. Oh, makes that noise. That will be something fun that you can do tomorrow is pee in some snow, write your name maybe. I've never done it. Oh, you got to, Kev. It's wonderful. You got to.

Oh, it's a great thing to do. Take a dump in it as well. Do yourself a favor. Go pissing with Ben. It is a fun afternoon. It's actually a new web series. Jerry Seinfeld took comedians to get coffee. I'm taking them to urinate in public.

So it'll be great. Go pissing with Ben and Kevin, I want you to be my first guest. Bring some bribe money. I'm down, man. I got techniques, man. We've talked about this. Oh, yeah. I'm great at peeing in the street. What do you do? Phenomenal. I just kind of like take it out, point in one direction, I just walk with it, man. Just let it go. I've done that movie.

I feel like this is like the yo-yo trick. You do the walk the dog I go with the I do the behind the car on the phone I always fake the phone conversation Regardless if the phone is dead or not I lurk in the shadows I'm a shadow lurker as well

I shoot a guy, run around the corner Everyone's worrying about the guy that got shot Piss freely Good move very good move yes I love a good occasionally in New York you will just see a random I have so much respect for the person

that just whips it out and starts pissing you see it all the time in New York and you feel so accomplished I one time did it in midtown in the middle of just like people were walking everywhere and I was fine I remember that shit in the middle of just like, people were walking everywhere and I was fine. I was so, I'll remember that shit for the rest of my life. Yeah. You can do

all kinds of shit in public in New York. As long as there's not a cop around, no one's going to stop you. Oh, exactly. It's a beautiful city, man. You can punch a dog. Well, that's inappropriate and rude. But dogs piss all over the goddamn streets so I guess they deserve a punch every now and again. That's not bad.

All right, Marcus, what's a news story? Oh, we got a local one here. He's really sinking his teeth into single life. Just months out of jail, cannibal cop Gilberto Valle is seeking a gal who suits his taste in an online dating profile that lists cooking as his favorite hobby. All right. Do you guys remember this? Real quick, though, when you first said it,

I thought you said cannibal cop, and I just realized that I'm going to fucking write that movie. I did say cannibal cop. It's a cannibal cop? Yes. God damn. It is. Do you guys remember this story?

Yeah, the cop who was sending emails back and forth with another fellow. A Russian dude, I think. How they would, yeah, cook and eat a woman. A kid. Or was it a bunch of kids? It was a woman. It was a woman? Or was it a bunch of kids? It was a woman. It was his wife.

He actually wrote kind of a little manifesto that he titled, Killing and Cooking Kimberly, A Blueprint. And wasn't there literally one as well, like Women I Want to Eat? Yeah. There was a file folder on his computer that said how to eat a woman or something. And it should have been like dogs and cats. But he never did it. He never did it, but he was actually convicted

for the threats. It's because he used the police database. He was an officer, so he got all these people's information and he scouted out their houses and shit. So that's why he ended up getting found guilty. But now this judge let him out and immediately he goes to an online dating site,

and his profile is phenomenal. Mm-hmm. Under the handle amicable114, the 30-year-old disgraced former NYPD officer notes he's a big foodie looking for a woman aged 24 to 32 who likes cooking, dining out, and wine tasting. Of his ideal date, he writes,

you appreciate the simple things and can make the best out of a situation that is less than ideal. Oh, that's so creepy because that's when he has them hog-tied and their arms, you know, this is when he's eating them. He's seeking a, quote, non-judgmental woman who's a little kinky. Winky face. I feel like seeking a nonjudgmental woman is maybe the worst thing to put on an online dating promo,

no matter what you've done in your past. I'm looking for a girl with a big loose pussy. Yeah, that's the same. Someone who isn't super judgy, especially upon first seeing a person. Or knowing that I was once trying to be a cannibal. But I was also a police officer and upholding the law.

What is that, third date? When do you bring up your cannibal fantasies? I'm not sure. That's a difficult one to have if you want to cook and eat a woman. That's one you can never really achieve, I don't think, in real life. Maybe if you go to the Philippines

or something like that. See, what if it's just a thirst for knowledge? He just wants to know how to do it. Right, it could be. Well, I mean, it was crazy. That's sort of why, because he was supposed to still be in prison, right? But this judge threw out the case because he never actually

did do it. And so there was this large gray area where it was all fantasy, you know? And people, they do write insane fantasy things and whatnot. Oh, yeah, I mean, you're allowed to do that. Right, but I think it was the fact that this guy was, he seemed very close to actually doing it. He seemed like he was very on his way. Oh, yeah, I mean, you're allowed to do that. Right, but I think it was the fact that this guy was, he seemed very close to actually doing it. Seemed like he was very on his way.

Continuing, he said, I have a few bucket list items, a cross-country drive along with other traveling, seeing Jerry Seinfeld do stand-up. Oh, my God. Of course he's a Seinfeld fan. That's hilarious. Every sociopath likes the most squeaky clean thing in society

because then they're, oh oh normal, I love Jerry Yes, Seinfeld, very funny I always use the Levi Aaron example He killed a little boy, cut off his feet, kept him in the freezer He listed on his Facebook page his favorite band, Hootie and the Blowfish There you go That evens it all out Favorite TV shows? Glee,

Friends, and The Office. And Juggalos are the ones that were demonizing because they like bad music. They're fucking shitheads. No, they're nurses. They're nurses. And they're people who take care of

their sick grandmothers. It's the people who like these squeaky clean things that are absolutely insane. Hey, all my lows are also my hoes. Alright? Holdenators. If you're a juggalo and a holdenator, I'm gonna say you have to die. Because that is just too much.

You can be one or the other, but you cannot fill your brain with both of those things. Yo, let's get our favorite foods on the chat. Yep, we're live streaming right now. And what they're talking about. Favorite foods on the chat right now. Put your fucking favorite foods, you fucking losers.

If you were to eat a body part, what body part would you like to eat the most? A lot of people want that. But without us even prompting them, they immediately started talking what person from Roundtable would be the tastiest. We've discussed this, by the way. Can I make a case for myself? Okay, well, let me

go ahead and make a case for yourself, and then I'll tell you who is the unanimous decision. I used to be very fat. Then I lost weight, and now I'm still kind of fat. What is that? Marbled meat. Where does the flavor come from? Kobe beef. Kobe beef. That's right.

So I got muscle, fat, muscle, kind of got some more fat, and there's a lot of me. I'm built like a pig. That's a good point, too. Yeah, he looks like a pig. You put a spell on your head, you will think a pig is at the bar. If you eat, hold, and you'll get cancer. Kevin has muscular... Kevin looks delicious. Kevin's string Holden, you'll get cancer. Kevin has muscle. Kevin looks delicious.

Kevin's stringy. You won't get cancer. You'll turn into a monster, but you will not get cancer. All right, so what do they say, Marcus? They say, unanimously,

Jackie. Oh. I would agree. Honestly, I thought that's what they were going to say. Isn't that something? Succulent meat on that woman.

Yeah. I don't know about that. You wouldn't eat Jackie? I feel like I would eat...ent meat on that woman. Yeah. I don't know about that. You wouldn't eat Jackie? I feel like I would eat... She'll be smoking cigarettes. Yeah. She's already half-cooked on the inside. That is a thing.

No one likes cigarette-flavored meat. I don't want that at all. Tastes like a bar from 1983. No, all right. I can see, Jackie. That's fine. No, no. They're wrong, man.

Yeah. I really want myself to be eaten the most. Omar from Lubbock, Texas said, you're probably dry. Really dry meat. Me? Yeah. And you have to spend so much time skinning them. I'm just shocked there's a dude in Texas named Omar.

Yeah. Yeah. And in Lubbock, no less. Another person, there's also a case to be made for Ed's balls. Oh, Ed has huge balls. I got so much better meat than my nuts. Anybody put any food items on there?

No one. Favorite foods, you fucking jerks. I'm not making it up. Favorite foods. Jesus Christ. What's your favorite food, Holden? Dessert would be cannoli. Yeah.

And honestly, I think, you know. Lamb plate. I think if I were to, my last meal would either be a burger and fries or a steak and a baked potato. So I'm going to do either one of those. You can choose. Probably burger and fries, though. If you said most eaten in my entire life, I mean, I've probably eaten thousands of hamburgers.

Yeah, I know. I've seen you do it. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm huge. I feel like I could probably eaten thousands of hamburgers. Yeah, I know. I've seen you do it. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm huge. I feel like I could feed a family of many. And I don't know. I have loose skin, so you can crackle it. You can make a pork crackling.

That is true. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so think about that. But Jackie has some loose skin, too. But there's less of her. Yeah. Damn. That is true.

I think I'd taste great. No, you're all muscle, too. You're lean People like lean meat Yeah Is it good It's 2015 man Oh don't bring the year

Into this What's lean meat In terms of like Getting Like is that lamb What are we talking about When we say lean meat I'm not sure

Marcus is like a prairie dog On a stick Yeah What is lean Is lean filet mignon What is lean Lean is just like The less fat Okay so like lean filet mignon? What is lean? Lean is just like the less fat. Okay, so like a filet mignon.

But the fat is what people really enjoy. Well, I mean, some people really enjoy that. It also really depends on what type of thing you're preparing. You know what I'm saying? Marcus isn't the best for a burger. Sure. You know, I put burger meat, probably holding. Yeah, I'm a badass motherfucking burger meat.

Yeah, any time, man. I'm more like a strip steak. And have you seen, my ass would taste fantastic. Yeah, he's got it. He's got it. Strip steak Marcus, man. He's also good with fajitas. All that shit.

Roast meat. Someone said if they ate me, they would see the devil. That's very true. Oh, and by the way, Corey Griffin's favorite food is fuck Holden. Oh, that's a nice food. That's a good food, Corey, and I know where you live. I've had that before, yeah. Yeah, it's a great food.

I like to eat that regularly. So anyway, what happened with this guy, if I'm not mistaken, they kicked him off of match. Is that correct? Yeah, he was eventually kicked off of match. Valet wanted no part in discussing his romantic pursuits on Tuesday. When the Post went and wanted to talk to him about it, he said, a what? A dating profile? No, I'm sorry, I don't know anything about it.

And then when shown a screenshot of his profile, he said, I don't want to see it, thanks, and then hurried inside his apartment. Oh, very nice. So this guy's life is pretty much over, right? Over, yep. He says, I know more about baseball than all of your guy friends, and I'm also seriously

good at tweeting. He admits that he may be an acquired taste. He wrote, I am spending my energy rebounding from the errors I made in my past and rebuilding my life. Things are progressing very well on that front, and I am just beginning a new career. What's he doing?

Private detective. Who hired him? Yeah. What's he doing? Private detective. Who hired him? He's got to be a self-made man. You know those ads you see for parking lot attendants on the train? I'm guessing. One of them. He'd be great at being a parking lot attendant. Marcus, this is a New York Post article, right?

Absolutely. Yeah, the amount of food puns in this article is fucking stupid. That's his profile. It said, he's making the food puns himself. I mean, here's a paragraph. He's a bit of an acquired taste. Oh, yeah. Here's another paragraph.

The hungry for love bachelor does list several qualities about himself in order to lure the perfect woman to eat, dot, dot, dot, dinner with. Ah, that's very good. I love the New York Post. That's fucks, man. I want one of those jobs, man. I want to be good. I love the New York Post. God. Such fucks, man. I want one of those jobs, man. I want to be the pun guy at the New York Post. Yeah, I'll get you that, Jeb. You can get me that?

We'll talk after the show. Hell yeah. I'm not sucking your dick for it. We will not talk. So this poor guy, it's going to be difficult for a woman to overlook the fact that he probably does want to eat them. It's a bizarre fetish to have. Yeah, his Google death is very fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Next story? Google death. I like that term. I just made it up. Isn't that something? Isn't that something? So is that normal? Do you guys Google the name of the girl if you go on a date with her right away? Is that something that girls do?

I've never done it before. I look up everybody and everything. For everything. Not just who I'm dating. Yeah. Not just who done it before. I look up everybody and everything. Yeah. For everything. Not just who I'm dating. Yeah. Not just who I'm dating. Everyone.

Well, I find I'm very good at Facebook sleuthing. Yeah. Stalking is the word you want to use. That sleuth. That's not stalking, man. Sleuthy. They put it out there. Yeah. Yeah.

You want to be my friend? You want to show me pictures? I'm going to look at them. Absolutely. Because I care. All right. If you're a girl I fucking smelled once at a bar, I'm finding out where you went to college. You do that, Kevin.

You do some background research. Oh, yeah. They can't hide from me, man. Yeah. Oh, I do it all. I go on Facebook. Their profile's private. I'll find their fucking Instagram.

I go on Instagram. Their Instagram's private, I'll find their fucking Instagram. Their Instagram's private, I'll find their Twitter, and then on their Twitter, I'll find their Twitter photos and videos, and I get what I need, man. It's very difficult. But I guess that's good. So then when you do go on the date, you know that you like them enough, anyway. You're prepped. Yeah, you're prepped and ready to go.

I guess it's not a bad thing necessarily. Not a bad thing at all. Next story. Sure. A woman from New Zealand is more than a little miffed after a theme park used an image that showed her having

allegedly wet her pants after going through a spooky attraction. This is so funny. This is the image right here. Pants scary. Yeah. Wet your pants scary is what it said. The image

suggests that after traveling through a horror maze at Spooker's Haunted Attraction Scream Park. Spooker's. Spooker's. Come on down to Spooker's. Quit beating me so we can go to Spooker's. Is this like an alligator pit?

It's fucking scary, man. They got skeleton masks on. It's such a weird name. Skeleton mask on an alligator. It could be anything. It sounds like a barbecue joint. Spookers. It just sounds racist.

I was about to say. Oh, yeah. Super racist. That's fucking racist. Spookers. Let's go down to spookers. Honestly, I like it. Let's go down to spookers.

Would you stop calling the Dallas Mavericks spookers? Let's go to the game. The unnamed woman has now responded furiously to her picture being used, even though you can't actually see her face in the image. As you can imagine, this image instantly started to spread through the worldwide web like wildfire after it first appeared on their page on January 14th. Unfortunately, the woman involved wasn't quite as pleased that her body had been used in this promotional fashion.

The woman in the image has since been the source of many jokes because her friends were able to recognize her clothing and instantly began to make fun of her for urinating in her pants. I don't think that this is something she should sue over, man. Why did she piss her pants? It's an advertisement for spookers. Yeah, it's Spookers Haunted House, and it's an advertisement that spookers. Yeah, it's a spookers haunted house and it's an advertisement that spookers is so

scary that you'll piss yourself. But she did piss her pants in spookers. I mean, what if spookers was so sexy she got her fucking pussy wet? I mean, that's a lot of pussy juice. Have you seen the picture? Yeah, man. I made that much, man. When you go into an establishment, you know

you're going to be recorded. This is the equivalent of some audience member. You take a picture of them laughing during your stand-up routine, and they want to sue because you used their image. Spookers did a great job of making a chick piss her pants, and I think they should be allowed to market

the fact that Spookers is scary enough to, you know, get some piss out of you. Spookers said that they talked to her, and they said that they've come to an agreement about where the image can continue to be used. This is Spookers official. Hey, why don't we change the name to G*****s?

No, no, no, no, no. That's crossing the line. It's keeping it Spookers. Get back in the hunt, Furch. Spookers. They said, we have talked through the way the photo has been handled, and together we have come to an arrangement that includes an agreement that the photo can continue to be used. We really appreciate her generous gesture to Spookers in allowing this.

Now, you have apologized for the embarrassment that she has felt. So they gave her some money, and she's fine. Yeah, and Spooker said that this is not an anomaly. He said, the spokesman said it is very, very common and most people aren't embarrassed about it at all. Well, you should be embarrassed.

Yeah, you peed your pants. I'll tell you this right now, there is piss all over Spooker's room. You come down Spooker's, you better bring a cup, you better bring a towel. You better bring a towel. I'm just glad I finally know what my firstborn child's name will be. Spookers? Yeah.

Man or woman. Spookers McNeely. Spookers McNeely. That actually sounds like a senator, which is really sad. Stop crying, Spookers. Stop crying. It's always crying. It will never stop crying.

I like that, man. I like this whole story. We gotta go to spookers. I also love the world of haunted houses and horror and macabre. This is a positive. The idea that you urinated yourself in your pants. Everyone's like, we did a good job. We made her piss.

Actually, it says on their Facebook page, piss your pants scary. Wow, they Facebook page, piss your pants scary. Wow, they really stressed this piss your pants thing. I mean, they got her. They definitely got her. Yeah, they got her. She said, well, a relative who spoke to the newspaper about this for some reason, and the relative was with her, he said that she pissed her pants from laughing so much. They were all laughing, and she lost control of her bladder.

Pissed herself. Either way, Spooker's made her fucking piss her pants. Either way, Spookers did it. You want to fucking piss your pants? You come down, Spookers. I love that you used that. You're going to come here and you're going to fucking soil yourself. You want to publicly embarrass yourself and feel ashamed in front of your family?

You come to Spookers. You want to never be able to go nowhere again? Come to Spookers. Spookers is the place to be. You want to come here and immediately have to go back home? Come to Spookers. You wanted to go out afterwards. You were having a romantic dinner plan, but you came to Spookers.

You pissed your pants. Now you got to go home. Valentine's Day special, right? Come to Spookers. You don't want to fuck your girl on Valentine's Day? Take her to Spookers. Fuck a piss hole over the two of you. Fuck a piss hole over herself.

And she'll definitely not want to have sex that night. Getting all rashy and whatnot. I mean, she wouldn't have said anything if her friends hadn't started making fun of her. Her friends saw the picture, immediately recognized her clothes, and then just started railing on her on Facebook. They have to, man. They're human beings. Your friend pisses herself at a fucking horror show. You got to make fun of them.

That's great. I guess some guy was just, it seems like the picture, was it solely focused on the crotch originally? Was there just somebody, is there somebody on piss picture duty? I don't know. It could be just someone noticed,

hey, that woman pissed her pants. We better take a picture of it it looks like an iphone picture yeah it does it's a very bad picture i'm gonna i'm gonna open up a place right next to it called dukers a shit filled pair of pants right after you're done pissing yourself it's boogers come next door to du and fucking finish the job. Yeah. You're constipated. Dookers is going to put Spookers

on the business. It's going to be huge. It's going to reek like shit. Right outside of Spookers because of Dookers. Just show a fucking... I just want to see the owner of Spookers boarding up the shop. What happened, man? Goddamn Dookers opened up.

People just coming out with big fucking shit loads in their pants. That was one of the best things I've ever seen. I shit myself. So did I do. Dukers. If you don't shit yourself, free steak. The chef's like, I haven't made one yet. Some fan out there can make us a t-shirt that says,

I pissed myself at Spookers, and then I shit myself at Dukers. And send that out. I will pay you money for that shirt. Dukers, honestly, Dukers. I pissed myself at Spookers, please. Dukers Haunted House is an amazing... We would be perfect for a haunted house, as a matter of fact. All of us would be great characters.

Well, you would be the perfect anything. We just put a fucking potato sack on your head and have you go walk through the hallways and bump into everyone. Friday the 13th original, yeah, just pop a bag on my head, put a machete in my hand, and I'll just slowly creep up next to people and let them know that I would like to have their beer. I just like you walking fast through the hallway and not

stopping for anybody. It's just like, that's scary as fuck. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's great. I'll have my own puppetry of the penis room. I'll do little tricks using my penis flesh. We got that. Alright. Yeah, so this woman's upset,

but everything's okay now. She's a famous celeb. Yeah. Good, good. Yeah, yeah. She's doing fine. That's great. At least her piss-stained crotch is famous.

She definitely has the granny pants on, so you know she has kids and stuff like that. The real fucking culprits in this story are her shitty friends, by the way, because no one would have known it was her fucking friends. I'm just saying, if she wants to be mad at anyone, I'd be, by the way. No, they were making jokes. I'm just saying, if she wants to be mad at anyone, I'd be mad at the friends.

Oh, absolutely. Well, no, they gotta pay her. I'm about my money, man. I pee my pants at your establishment, you fucking pay me. That is so funny. She could be the spokesman. Yeah, I mean, she could have worked out some kind of deal. She could have been in commercial spots and shit for speakers.

Oh, yeah, man. That's true. Every business she goes in, she should just piss herself whenever she sees a good deal or something. Anytime something like this happens, same thing with the kid who was the first, the big first viral video. The Star Wars kid. I just read a great BuzzFeed thing of the five people. He was involved in it. The celebrities that were made online, the guy of the five people. He was involved in it. The celebrities that were

made online. The guy with the golden voice. He's addicted to drugs and homeless again. And the guy who said the kids in the... Hide your kids. Hide your wife. That kid. He made a gay porn. But now he's not gay anymore and he has a kid. But he also owns like an apartment building and shit too. No, he's poor as shit.

He turned it around a little bit though. No, he did not. Star Wars kid could have turned it around. Oh, Star Wars kid he's doing totally fine. He's like graduated college and shit. Well, that's fine, but I'm just saying that instead of letting that have been this horrible, depressing time for him, he could have made so much money off of that. He could have been in Super Bowl

commercials. Well, this is, well, he was the, well, yeah. I think, I don't think he knew how to monetize it yet and people were fucking real mean to him. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you couldn't monetize YouTube back then. No, not like that. Yeah.

In 2003, his family did file a $250,000 lawsuit against the kids who released the video. Oh, really? Did they win? Let's see here. They reached an out-of-court settlement. They should have sued YouTube. Yeah, right.

You can't really sue them. I'll sue them right now. I bet. For what? Uh, they don't put my videos up there. YouTube themselves does, no, they would not put your videos up there. You would have to put your videos up there. I've been filming myself in my bedroom for weeks.

That's why it's called YouTube. No one's even seen it yet. So you're expecting YouTube to come to your house? I'm in a flip cam. I've been filming myself in my bedroom for weeks. No one's even seen it yet. So you're expecting YouTube to come to your house? I'm going to flip cam. I've been filming myself. You want them to retrieve your flip cam from you. How else do you get it on there? How else do they get on there?

Yeah, think about that. But no one's coming to my door yet, so. You got a lawsuit coming your way, YouTube. Yeah, I keep not being around when those YouTube door-to-door upload people come to my apartment. Give me YouTube videos here. They're all old-timey like that. That's exactly what the YouTube door-to-door

salesmen are. There's YouTube videos here. There's some snake oil and fucking mechanical... Alright. Alright, Marcus. Alright, next story. 46-year-old Massachusetts man Matthew all right all right marcus all right next story 46 year old massachusetts man matthew maccavini has admitted to killing his elderly elderly mother and her two cats but he'll only

officially plead guilty to the charges if the prosecutors will give the cats he murdered the respect they deserve by naming them in the indictment he told the court the animals are and were living beings they They had lives. They had personalities. They had identities. And if I'm going to be convicted of killing them, I would like them to be known for what they were, you know, who they were by their names.

It's really bizarre and sensitive. He will not plead guilty unless the cats are named in his indictment. Actually named. So he knew what he was doing. When he was killing all of these things, he's like, I'm taking a beautiful life. What are the cat names? Doesn't say what the cat names are. That's bad reporting.

No, you can't. You have to be 18 or older. You can't publish cat names. Everybody knows it. It's illegal. Man, I hope it's just like mittens and cuddles or something. I'm sure it is. Well, how did he kill his mother? He beat her to death, yeah.

He did? Yeah, she was 70 years old. Beat her to death in her apartment. It took him a week to find him. What is the point of beating a 70-year-old to death? How much longer do they have, you know? I think it's more of a snap, you know, you just snap kind of situation.

Like a throw mama from the train. It doesn't sound planned out. Owen loves his mom. Owen. Yeah. Owen. Eddie, you want to kill your mother all the time. No, absolutely not.

But you do, though. I love my mother. I know you love her. What are you talking about? You should want to kill her, though, right? No, absolutely not. You're being horrible right now. I think that proves he wants to do it.

I was about to say the same thing. Me too. I know we're supposed to be fucked up by nature, but that was aggressive. I'm just saying. Seems pretty sensitive of a topic. Of course it is. Why would it not be sensitive? I've met her several times. Very nice lady.

Yeah. I love Kathleen. She's a wonderful woman. She had me over for Christmas once. It was a fantastic Christmas. Somebody here wants to kill their mother, so the person should just say it right now. Who would like to do that? Ben wants to kill his mother. Ben would kill his mother. I wouldn't kill my mother.

You would kill your father. No, I wouldn't kill either of them. You'd cut her tits off and his cock off. No, I would probably. No, I mean you can't kill my mother. You would kill your father? No, I wouldn't kill either of them. You'd cut her tits off and his cock off. No, I would probably... You can't kill your parents. Because then... Then you'd be grounded. Yeah, then you're in trouble. Never mind. Alright, Eddie, I understand. It's rude if someone

says you want to kill your mother. But how would you kill your brothers? My brothers? I don't know. I don't want to kill my family well you've thought about killing your brothers yeah you've thought about killing your brothers several times you've told me several times

how you'd kill them how you'd drown them how you'd drown them then I wouldn't drown. No, no. I feel like everybody who has a brother at some point has thought, I might have to kill this guy someday. Cain and Abel.

Cain and Abel. Think about that. We wouldn't be here without him. So, yeah. I wasn't always an only child. Oh. You ate your brother. I ate my brother.

Yeah, but your dad made you do that. That's different. It was an interesting evening. You'd snuff him off. I wouldn't even know how to find him. There are those people who absorb their twins in the womb. That's right. Which is kind of a bizarre thing to do.

Really? What's that mean? Well, you'll start with a twin, and then one twin will literally absorb the other one into their body so they kind of just eat them and uh yeah wow it's like a real thing yeah and there's other times when the zygote doesn't uh split properly so you have one twin growing inside of the other twin and sometimes there was really this is really big in freak shows where you would have a twin growing out say of the stomach of the other person and just these legs and arms would be hanging out. And sometimes... It's just that tissue.

No. Actually, a lot of times they have organs themselves that actually do work. Like Quatto? Yes. Sometimes they actually have the heads coming out and it was said that sometimes they could speak. Oh, cool. Or at the very least... Release me!

At the very least, they drooled. Oh, wow. They had all the working organs of a human being, but... Oh, my God. Awkward day. Like, honey, I have to tell you something before I take off my shirt. Tell her about me!

I'm getting to it. Can you just let me get to is she into three ways it's like a 2.3 way really what's her three-year plan i'm pretty sure i'm gay. You're gay. I'm not gay. So I would like to have sex with this woman if I could, please. Pretty sure I'm gay, Ben. I don't know.

Can you get an extra app for me, Ben? What's your favorite app? What's your name, by the way? Magoozle. That's nice. And your favorite app? What's your name, by the way? Magoozle. That's nice. And your favorite app? My favorite app is a garlic stuffed brownie. That is not an app.

An app is a phone. It's a piece of technology. My favorite app is Release Me. He just wants out of Ben's body. Could you imagine being halfway to Ben's body? Out of all the bodies to be in, out of all of us, I think I've got room to move. It's kind of cozy for the little thing.

It's definitely got the most room. I'm going to have to be crammed in marks. Go to law school! Please do something! Please do something! Do your homework! Do your homework! For me! Do your homework. Do your homework for me.

It's really hard to make it in comedy. Please just go to medical school. Or you want to be the comedian, so I just have to hold the mic for it. The other day I was trapped in Ben's body and the mailman. I'm just wearing a black sheet over my head. Don't you ever have those days when you're trapped in a man's body for the rest of your life? This big tagline is release me.

Say it! Say it! Alright, okay, I will release me! Everyone's interviewing me like, how does it feel to be attached to a star? I thought I was the normal one. I don't understand why he's famous, but people love him.

Alright, next story. Helen, let's do the normal one. I don't understand why he's famous. People love him. All right, next story. Helen, let's do the first story. Let's do the first story. Yeah, can we do the first story again? No, I already closed out the window. And I can't get it back. Helen Heafy's number came up at the bingo hall, but the prize was a trip to court.

The 50-year-old grandmother pleaded guilty Wednesday to two counts of possessing cocaine for sale or supply after Irish police caught her with a narcotic outside a Cork bingo hall. Cork District Court Judge Leo Malone accepted her lawyer's plea for clemency citing her family obligations and her possession of a relatively small amount of the drug

worth about $400. She insisted she was holding the cocaine for an unspecified friend. She was only 50. That's not really that bad. They just used grandma to make it sound all fucked up. Yeah, to make it sound funny. Well, I think by definition, she was a grandma. I know, I know. You could be 22 and be a grandma.

You could have said 50-year-old, though. Yeah, 50's the sexiest woman age. Yeah? Yeah. I'm not against 50. My mom's like 67, I think. She's old. You just have memories of those days. Uh-huh. Oh, that was when she was in her prime.

Her pussy was on fire when she was 50. Yep. And flamed. It's like a flame sword, you know? But in pussy form. Right. Yeah. Different. Yeah. Different.

Different kind of mom. My step-grandmother actually went to jail for selling coke. She did? Yeah, when I was in high school. Interesting. What did she get busted for? How much? I don't know how much.

I just remember hearing about it and just being like, that makes sense. Was she cool? No. She was mean? She was a horrible person. She was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baba. That was her name. Oh, that makes sense. Was she cool? No. She was mean? She was a horrible person. She was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baba. That was her name. Oh, that was, yeah.

That's what you call it. Yeah, bad name. Yeah, Baba. Sounds disgusting. So, now she's in a lot of trouble, this woman. What do you do with it? She only got fined $870. And she's not going to prison? No. She's not going to prison. No jail time. She does have two priors for drug possession and obstructing a police narcotics

union. What the hell the fuck did she... Irish. I'm happy that she's Irish. Irish police, they're all drunk. That's the thing with Irish police. They're hammered. You don't have to throw people in jail every time they do something small wrong. You know, it's a good way of looking at life. In a different world

this woman's going to... If she had at life. In a different world, if she had a different gender and a different race in a different place, she would be going to prison for quite a while. You mean if she was literally on the show A Different World? Yes. I love that show. It's a great one. I used to watch that show all the time. I loved it too, man. It was great.

It brought us to another world. I learned a lot. This is great, guys. So nice to see you every Sunday. That is too. It is. What are our fans' favorite foods? Can we get some food items on there?

Change the podcast. Every Sunday, let's just talk about a different world. When I'm trying to remember some episodes, I remember the different sets, right? You were in the cafeteria, I think was one of them. Sure. I just remember the sets. I don't remember anything about the show.

Yeah, that's it. I remember one dude had dope glasses. And that's it. And it was the oldest sister from the Cosby show. Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade. Very cool. His name was Dwayne Wade?

Dwayne Wade, yeah. Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade. He had the glasses and he always had the sunglasses. The flip glasses. I wanted those. Oh, that's right. They were very cool.

Yeah, and Lisa Bonet was on it. Oh, so attractive. Yeah. Was Doug E. Fresh on that? Doug E. Fresh? No, I don't think Doug E. Fresh was on Different Worlds. He was on one of them. He was on a show.

Yep. Yep, that's why we know him. Now he's working at Spookers. Poor bastard. Slid downhill, pissed his pants for the local public at Spookers. Yeah, you got to. I'm here to apply for the pants pisser job. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Here's Spookers. I don't know what these people are saying. I'm thinking Dougie Doug. Dougie Doug. That's who I'm thinking of. Yeah. I was like. Dougie Fresh is a rapper, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not a wrestler. He's a beatboxer. That was a revelation for me. Dougie Fresh is a rapper. I was like, I didn't know this motherfucker was acting. I got to go on Google. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dougie Doug, cool runnings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dougie Doug, cool runnings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dougie Doug. Literally a classic. He lives in Brooklyn. Still holds up. Do they know it's a racist name, spookers, when they were coming up with it? Oh, it's not in Australia.

It's different. Oh, it's in Australia. I thought it was in Texas. No, it's in New Zealand. Oh, it's in New Zealand. You just assumed it was. If it was a place called spookers in Texas, we would have been hearing about this for a completely different reason.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Okay, New Zealand. Well, then it was definitely racist then. New Zealanders are very racist people. What are you basing that on? I don't know. They don't even know what black people are. That's racist by definition then. What? They're doing fine in New Zealand, man. Yeah, Hobbit.

They shot the Hobbit there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All those... This just can't be racist. Yeah. They got dragons and shit. Yeah.

Plenty of dragons. You don't got time to worry about black people when there's dragons flying around. That's why they don't know. That's a good point. That's a good point. Fucking dragons are talking and shit, man. Yeah.

All right. Very true. Favorite foods? Meatloaf. Okay. Chicken and hot cheese. Actually, you know what? I want to say...

Hot cheese and chicken. First of all, second of all, I do not like meatloaf. All right, keep going. I love meatloaf. Okay, who said chicken and hot cheese? Rowan. Rowan. Rowan McDonald.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking gross. That is an unbelievable... Chicken and hot cheese. Together... It's got to be separate. He's got to be talking about separate. I hope so.

I think that's the same fan that had bones from his neck removed so he could suck his own dick. It's a girl. It's a girl. She meant to type chicken nuggets, but instead she typed chicken and hot cheese. What? That's a weird mistake. Chicken and hot cheese.

I love chicken and hot cheese. I mean, it sounds all right. I mean, it sounds odd, but I mean, it depends what kind of hot. Hot cheese is weird because it's not like melted. It seems like that middle, like it's been hanging out in the sun. Yeah. So it's like crusty bits. Right.

Just hot cheese. Chicken parmesan. That's chicken and melted cheese. It's the type of shit where you'll take a bite out of it with a fork, but then you grab the whole slice comes up. Right. That's what I'm thinking. I'll take a bite out of it with a fork, but then you grab the whole slice comes up. Right, right, right. That's what I'm thinking. I'm not thinking the cheese is on the chicken.

I'm thinking there's a tiny bowl next to the chicken. We're just trying to grind a warm cheese. Yeah, I'm stressed out just thinking about it. No utensils. Fuck Rowan, man. She's got to get her diet different. Another says cheese fries with bacon. That's great.

What's the weight? Ask what the weight is on that person. I guess I can ask it, right? They can hear us. What's your weight, you little hot cheese? What happened to you? Why'd you self-destruct on that? There's no reason. Cheese fries with bacon, listener. What's your net

weight? And now we've got three hoes and two screes Alright Don't ruin the chat room That's not food And I'm a holdenator I'm king of the holdenators Put your fucking foods down

Or you're all kicked off the chat Margus will do it He's got the power Put your fucking foods in there Damn man I'm sick of these listeners Really putting your foot down They're insubordinate Marcus will do it. He's got the power. Put your fucking foods in there. Damn, man. Yeah, I'm sick of these listeners. Really putting your foot down. They're insubordinate.

Insubordinate. What we need over our listeners is law and fucking order. Uh-huh. Ed. Hot cheese. Hot cheese is disgusting. This is what I'm talking about. If you don't have law and order, you got people out there eating hot cheese like it's a fucking

day-to-day. He's kind of right, man. It's chaos. It's true. It is chaos. Nonsense. Rowan just derailed my whole evening. Yeah, I'm going to keep trying to figure that shit out.

What is that? What is the temperature? I was going to watch fucking Ninja Turtles. Now I can't. The newer one? No, no, no. The old ones, man. They're all on Netflix.

I got real shitheaded and watched the newer Ninja Turtles in the theater with Julia Johns. I had a great time. I actually loved it, man. It was good. We got hammered and had the funnest time watching that. That's great. The movie theater full of kids. I was thinking about the soundtrack to the original Ninja Turtles the other day.

Go Ninja, go Ninja, go. Go Ninja, go Ninja, go. That's the second one. That's the other day. Go Ninja, go Ninja, go. Go Ninja, go Ninja, go. That's the second one. That's the Secret of the Ooze. That was Vanilla Ice, Secret of the Ooze. Yeah, but the other one was T-U-R-T-L-E Power. That was the one from the first one. Yeah, and then they went on that tour.

Yeah, Spin That Wheel was another song. It's when all the Foot Clans all gambling and shit. They're fucking so bad. Looking back on that, the Foot Clans hideout was I would go there in a sack. Skateboarding underground.

Caves. Cigarettes. I wanted to join the Foot Clans so fucking bad. I think I blame my smoking habit on the Foot Clan. Absolutely, man. They were, man. I think I blame my smoking habit on the Foot Clan. Absolutely, man. They were cool as fuck.

You fucking hang out all day. You're doing skateboard and then fucking martial arts with your best friends. And then a dude covered in blades comes out and tells you

you're all fucking awesome. Yeah, dude. And then you gotta go out and defend the city from these fucking monsters. From turtles. Four giant monsters. these fucking monsters. From turtles. Four giant monsters. They don't belong there.

Six foot rat. They gotta die. You have to kill the huge turtles. You have to. Or at least imprison them. Fucking creeping out pizza delivery guy. It's disgusting. I'll tell you what.

Maybe when we get enough money to open up an establishment, we'll call it the Foot Clan Hideout. It'll just be video games, fucking skateboarding, martial arts, fucking dojo rooms. Dude, it's the best life, man. It'll be so much fun. It'll be so much fun. We gonna have flip parties?

Yeah. It'll be awesome, man. I saw Raphael at a Piggly Wiggly one time. My mom took me to see him and i knew he was bullshit i said you're not rafael dude i fucking ruined his day that's a great first chapter to your book yeah i did i was like i was like 11 i guess it kind of gets you in immediately because you know what this memoir is going to be about yeah i know i named ben's memoir last night all my friends are dead it's a good name for your memoir well theoretically I'll be

the last one living so I like that alright now it's time for a segment from Old McNeil oh wait wait wait I took now round table of the year awards finally yeah they were a little late this year took a long time too many votes

so I wanted to let everyone know, you know, because we're going to go live next week. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're going to have a live show next week. Okay, so, you know. Next Saturday, right here at the Creek in the Cave, 8 p.m.? I don't know.

Sometime. Come on down. Check the Facebook page. We'll let you know what time the show's going to be. Yes. Or if you have any respect for us, show up early as fuck. Get here at like 4 p.m. and wait for the show. We'll get here at 4 p.m. and we'll have beers together at the bar and stuff.

It'll be fun. I won't be here, but you know. I'll be here. I'll probably be here. Wait, no. It's Saturday, not Sunday. Saturday, yeah. Absolutely.

All right. So the Roundtable of the Year awards, the nominations are, hold on. I have them written down on my phone real quick. Oh, come on, Eddie. Get on with it. While you're pulling up on the phone, I was thinking, maybe, actually, I think I have a better name for the memoir. Howard Cosell, A Life of Laughs, A Life Well-Lived.

But I'm Ben Kissel. Right. And then they'll think they're getting Howard Cosell's memoir. So it'll sound like a million copies, but then it just is your memoir. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. I love Howard Cosell. I'm a huge Howard Cosell fan. Alright, so the first nominee has been nominated twice before.

We have Mr. Andrew Short. Oh, is he on this? I think he showed up for an episode or two. He was here a little bit. Also, Ed Larson is nominated for a fourth time. This could be a big year for him.

We don't know what's going on. He's trying really hard these days. Third nominee is Michael Che. Oh, so he did get nominated. He got nominated again. Even though he said he doesn't want the award, he's too much for it now and won't return my text. He's too much for it now and won't return my text. He's nominated again.

He's won like, he said this is three-time Roundtable of the Year Michael. Three-time Roundtable of the Year. And he will not answer your text. Will not answer my, I mean, it's hard to get in touch with someone with that much power. And then also nominated this year is Miss Amber Nelson of the brighter side. She's been doing good on her own, branching out. She's got a new show, really putting her good foot forward. And then the fifth nominee is, hold on a second.

More importantly, putting her bad foot behind her. Because that foot is gross. It's covered in green green. She must be. I'm sorry, I made a mistake. Amber Nelson, Michael Che, Ed Larson. And I don't know how this happened,

but Holden McNeely was the one. I don't know. I gotta check the numbers again. We might have to get back to you later in the week. This might not be right. This might be incorrect. All my Holdenators out there, let's give some ho jobs. Ho jobs from the Holdenators out there, let's give some ho jobs.

Ho jobs from the Holdenators. On the chat, a person with the screen name Holdenators4Life. By the way, that's the number four, and life is spelled L-Y-F-E. Sounds upsetting. He said Holdenators ho right before he said, why the fuck isn't Holden nominated? And then he heard that he was nominated, gave a gigantic ho. Yeah, but Holdnader's for life, what's your fucking favorite food? Holdnader's for life?

That's what I want to know. So come next Saturday, we're going to have a big event. We're going to have presenters. There might be some cake. And we're going to find out who's going to win this fourth year. Michael Che's not going to show up. You never know what's going to happen. It's literally on a Saturday night.

It's on a Saturday night. He does a show on Saturday nights. What show? It's on television. It's live. Well, you've got to weigh what's important. I feel like Che will make the right choice. And that show doesn't start until 1130 anyway. Oh, and they do nothing before the show starts.

They just show up at NBC and they're just going to do their show. We'll call them. I'll see what's going on. And Weekend Update is like halfway through the show. That's not even until like 1230. He'll be fine. I smell a perfect 90s kids movie coming out right now. I'm going to be thinking about it all week.

And he's going to be like, I can't leave behind my friends. He's going to throw away all that superficialism. Oh, yeah. Money and fame. Yeah. No, he would make the right decision. He'll be here. All right.

He's definitely the favorite. Yeah. Front runner? I mean, yeah. I mean, how do you? Where do people cast their votes? How do they do it? They've already been cast.

Oh, they have? Thank you so much for sending them in. I wasn't aware of that. I didn't know that. Interesting. But maybe there'll be a second round of casting on the Facebook page. Sure. So go to the roundtable page.

Vote for your favorite roundtables. Andrew Short, Amber Nelson, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, or Michael Chase. Yeah, and that's the roundtable of the year 2014. Past year. Alright, time for a segment with Holden McNeely. Oh my god, Holden Anderson for life as a woman. Oh man. What a foul

fucking beast. No, I actually like her now. Holden Anderson for life, send me that cup size. Give me that cup size. Oh, by the way, I am single, so feel free to send me some pictures if you are over the age of 25. All the women on the chat right now, send in your cup size while we do the segment. All right. You're fucking horrible.

And I was just joking. Kevin gave me a look of disapproval, so I must have said something bad. Send in your cup size. Get on with the segment, Holdenval, so I must have said something bad. Send in your cops! Get on with the segment, Holden! Super Bowl's coming up. Who's playing each other? We got, what, the Seahawks and the fucking assholes, man. And the Patty Wagons.

Alright, Seahawks versus the Pats. First of all, let's just go around and say who's going to win. I think the Patriots will win. Kevin? Seahawks. Ben? Uh... The fans. Were you texting and weren't paying attention to the question? No. Who's going to win the Super Bowl is the

question. Who's going to win, Ben? It's a stupid question. Seattle Seahawks, in my personal opinion. What are you doing? Seahawks. Who gives a fuck? Alright. So, multi-billion dollar Marcus Parks, he decided to throw down a huge chunk of money for a Super Bowl commercial for the Roundtable of Gentlemen. It's up to us to come up with a good commercial.

I will start. We need more listeners. I will start this up immediately. So, it's a black screen. You think it's going to be a trailer for the next fucking Avengers movie or some shit, right? You think it's going to be a trailer for the next fucking Avengers movie or some shit, right? It's like in a world where like nothing matters and everyone's a cunt and nothing fucking sucks. But also every fucking buddy is a fucking pedophile or a rapist. Well, what happened?

It's just words on a screen like popping up, you know, with like heavy music, you know, and cutting to like buildings collapsing and stuff like that. It's like, oh, man this is going to be fucking Avengers fucking 2 commercial, right? A trailer, right? And then it's just like only one man survives, right? And then it just shows maybe my profile, right, in black.

And then it's just like you see kind of slide in and turn like they do in the Avengers things. Like they slide in and then the letters turn. It's just like Nader's, right? 2017. Because we got to give them some time for it, right? And then it pops up and then

it's just us partying in the fucking Bahamas. Smoking fucking long poles. Being gay as fuck, dude. Kidding. This is a halftime show? Yeah. No, this is a halftime show? Yeah. No, this is a commercial. The commercial for it, yeah.

Put enough money down, we'll blur out whatever's wrong or bad, whatever, right? Cunts can be like, C, ampersand, NTS, or whatever, right?

Yeah. So then we're partying in the Bahamas. It's like, Ed's there, and it says Ed's there. Like, Marcus, you're fucking making out

with the fucking pig. Kevin's fucking winning a bunch of money at a craps table right while this chick pisses her pants right next to him right Ben is drinking himself to death right Jackie's not here

like she was before right and then it's just like flash where my nader's at where my nader's at where my nader's at and then 2016 And then it just flashed. Where are my Naders at? Where are my Naders at? Where are my Naders at? Where are my Naders at? Where are my Naders at? And then 2016 explodes.

Yeah. That's it. That's too long, man. That is a long one. Yeah, it's supposed to be like 25, 30 seconds. Well, no, all this stuff happens faster than the mind can even comprehend. I see. By the way, hold Naders for life.

Cup size 34B. That's pretty good Not bad My bitch got a bigger Rowan though says 34 triple D And just feel free to Show me a picture

Of them Alright Kevin what do you got For a commercial man I got y'all On this commercial man Marcus you're already sold Contest is over

Alright Here's the commercial man I like your confidence. Oh, I got the confidence. In fact, I have none. So, it's all set to Migos Versace. Right? Okay. So we started off. Who is that?

Migos is a rap group. They got a song called Versace. Very fun. Alright. Versace is a flamboyant Yeah. Oh, Versace, Versace, Versace. Yeah,. All right. Versace is a flamboyant. Yeah. Oh, Versace, Versace, Versace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man who designed purses.

Yes. Got shot in the fucking head. Yeah, by that mass murderer. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we got this hot ass, hot ass, hot as fuck lemur, and it is from Puerto Rico. They're not from there, but this one was raised there, right? Born there? It was born and raised in Puerto Rico. They're not from there, but this one was raised there, right? Born there? It was born and raised in Puerto Rico.

Puerto Rican lemur. Keep in mind, lemurs don't cost nothing. You're going to be fine financially here. And all we do is we slowly zoom in while the song is playing. Lemur's wearing white pants, and he's just peeing himself the entire time. And then it cuts away, faded black. Round table of gentlemen comes up. That's the commercial of the century. I love it.

Oh, that's very good. Yeah. That's great. So it's just a lemur wearing pants and he pisses himself. And it just shows round table of gentlemen. I think it's perfect. I love it. It's funny.

And this is going to be, yeah, but this is during the Super Bowl, right? Yes. Billions and billions of eyes. I'm going to make a quick addendum. There will be a dragon with tits on it in line. Fuck yeah, man. That's really cool. Kissel, what do you got? That's actually a great idea.

This is a good opportunity for you, man. Get your name out there. Get your memoir out there. Let's see. Maybe it'll just be a just 30 seconds of spousal abuse? No.

Okay. I've never had a spouse. And I've never abused anybody in my life. So unconvincing. What's that? You. I haven't. I haven't and I haven't.

What do you mean unconvincing? Never had. I don't know. Maybe just a sleep cam of me eating food. It's a different world. Just me sneaking into the refrigerator. Just people, someone following you around and like stealing your roommate's food.

Me stealing my roommate's food. It's a terrible idea. Yeah. Ed? Alright. So mine's gonna be, it's gonna kind of, it's gonna start off like Holden's. I'm not not copying but it's just like an artistic choice Is this the new Hobbit? Is this the new Avengers movie?

Black screen Then light comes down on a Big round table Light comes down on a big round wooden table There's microphones and a couple buckets Of Narragansett And Tecate's there Then the middle of the table's going to open up

in the middle of all of our random quotes, all of our fucking perfect gold that we spit out from time to time. She were hardly even fucked her. Exactly, stuff like that. And then this giant cock's going to come out of the middle of the table. The middle table's going to open up like a retractable roof on Cowboy Stadium. And then this giant cock's going to come out of the middle and it's going to start shooting jizz everywhere until

it's going to cover the screen in jizz and you're going to see a finger come by and just write round table of gentlemen. Can we have a blood covered Jackie O in there? You got a chance to make your own commercial. Alright. I'm putting it in there.

I'll put a I covered Jackie O sucking the dragon with tits. You do have to understand mine is black and white. It's going to say round table at the end. It's just kind of fun. I'm eating pizza from the refrigerator. I'm in my underwear,

my white t-shirt. Dave Matthews from Dave Matthews Band is going to write the theme song for my commercial. Well, that's not good that you just downgraded yourself. Oh, I don't know. He's pretty popular.

What year are you talking about? Star power for the commercials. We're not talking about what we would like. We're talking about what Super Bowl fans... All right, everybody's got to pee. What are we doing? Let's go. What do we want?

What are we doing, Marcus? I think I'm going to go for... I won! Kevin! Whoa! Kevin's a big winner. All right, thank you. Whatever, man.

The streets love lemurs, man. They do. I can't put your commercial on television, Eddie. Follow us on Twitter. Because it's got a big cock shooting giz everywhere. That's a good point. At Marcus Parks, at Ben Kissel, follow Murder Fist. Holden Talks for 30 minutes, coming in June, fuckers!

Oh, my God, when in June? Don't know. Anytime in June. Ben's know. Any time in June. Ben's gone. He had to pee. Adios. Come next Saturday. We don't know what time yet.

Probably 8 o'clock, maybe 9 o'clock, maybe 10 o'clock. Do we get some more favorite foods, Marcus? No, we didn't get any more favorite foods. Pizza, you idiots. Good night. For more shows like the one you just listened to go to