The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 23: Cowabunga!

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s a new catchphrase that possibly infringes on two trademarks, just in time for the end of the world as we know it! Kim Jong Il is at the end of his life and trying to take us all out with him, an actor hacked his mother to death for being the devil, and the TSA is exploding bags o’ piss all over the place. We’ve also got a very special Pedophile Corner in which we discuss a Texas priest who handled his molestation accusations in the worst way possible.

Alright. Oh, wow. More than one. You are our friend and our enemy. Our companion and the maker of joy and the maker of sadness. Please protect us today as last night we all drank way too much.

And please give us the power to move on to the next drinking day. Amen. Amen. Marcus Parks, slowing it down a little bit. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

I wonder if that's ever meant anything. Who are you people? I'm Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely, Cowabunga. That's my new catchphrase. If you haven't heard, it's going around. The key to being a professional radio talent

is to get a catchphrase. Cowabunga. And who are you, Michael? Michael Che, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I'm Pat Barnett, as I like to call myself. Fill it in for Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel, and in the Chuggle Hut,

very special guest, Mr. Sean Patton. Thanks for being here. Sean Patton! That's really a catch sound. I'm going to be Holden's sidekick when he gets a job. You've got a minute to wait. Holdy and Johnny.

Holden Patton. Holden Patton. Holden Patton. Sounds like a superhero. That's what that fucking sounds like. Every episode you make me cry and then hold me. And then I cry because you cry. With us as always, Marcus Parks, the newsman. What do you got for us, buddy?

Well, this story is starting off, you know, fairly regular. A 78-year-old man in South Carolina, a veteran of World War II, threatened to kill the president. He threatened to kill the president. He said he would like to shoot the president, then myself. Which is, you know, pretty normal.

Wow, you thought you didn't have enough time to do that. If you shoot the president, you get tackled immediately. Oh, yeah. The reason why he gave that he wanted to shoot the president, the president isn't doing enough to help do that. Shoot the president, you'd get tackled immediately. The reason why he gave that he wanted to shoot the president, the president isn't doing enough to help black people. Wow! There's an old white man, too. He is a skeleton of a human being.

Oh yeah, he's creepy looking. He's real creepy looking. Vice old man, shoot yourself first. Then try to get one off before... Like, rig something. There's got to be some kind of jimmy rig you can make You shoot yourself Your other hand drops

You're like boom it fires It's just simple physics people He shot himself first Mousetrap moment Yeah You make a little fucking Rube Goldberg. Rube Goldberg.

Yeah, yeah. What does this dude want Obama to be doing for black people? He's a crazy old man. He has no idea. The son figures the reason why he did it is because he just wanted attention. Oh, yeah. Well, he's mentally ill. Yeah, he cuts off...

What do you think, Che? Is Obama doing enough for black people? To the black hole with Michael Chien I don't know I didn't get my check So I don't know Still holding out for that Obama check Yeah well that's the only way I voted Every black person expected

Like a big pair of white titties in the mail The day after Obama got the election I thought we'd at least find the guy who shot Tupac. Like, it's illegal. Reopening investigation. It was Karl Rove. Well, good for him. I'm happy. So he just got arrested, that dude,

and now he's in prison? No, he's not. They pretty much just kind of ignored him. Like, okay, okay, he's an old man. Why are they going to put him in prison? It's a ship of New Mexico. What if Obama shot Tupac? Think about that. We're not ready to see a black president.

That's one of those awesomely unreasonable conspiracy theories. What if fucking Obama had to get street cred in the 90s, shot Tupac, felt weird about it. Shot Biggie. And got into Harvard. 90s, shot Tupac, felt weird about it. Shot Biggie? Shot Biggie. Got into Harvard. This is what I'll need to be doing with my life. I should run the country, you know what I mean? Very convincing argument.

I think Jackie believes you, Sean. I'm completely convinced. Thank you. You're welcome, Jackie. Did you know that man did not land on the moon? Oh my God. Did you know it was actually women? There's no fucking way women could ever get...

They would all get in a cat fight on the way up. But their titties would look so good. It's queefed everywhere and left. So many holes. Women in space, their titties would be perfect. That would be a perfect titty. It wouldn't matter who it was. Not one bit. The smallest little nippies, but they're still

just fucking staring right at you. What, are they going to cut a peephole into the astronaut suit? No, but you know. That's a good idea. You don't have to have it on all the time. Yeah, that's true. Nipples in zero gravity has got to be like really pointy. Do they get pointy or do they go in

maybe, I wonder? Maybe they go straight up. Oh, no. Jackie, can we get you to get in a zero gravity? Yeah, totally. Because we got one here in the studio. Also, Marcus, we need to write a letter to the NASA think tank guys over there. Roundtable's got to get in on that shit.

We're not asking the right questions. It'd be like a weird reverse Christmas tree. It would just be the skin flaps. Yeah, exactly. It'd be like you had wings. You probably wouldn't even go anywhere. The wings would just keep you down. Yeah, yeah.

I'm the only person who couldn't fucking bounce around in space. I'd be around you. Your fatty, your fatty, fat. That's a very good point. Professor Ben Kissel firing off the topics that really get the round table roused.

What was your nickname? Ben and I, you probably recognize Ben and I's voices from other podcasts we've done together. What was your name on the other podcast? The Beast. The Brain and the Beast. Holden was the Brain and I was the Beast. Oh yeah, Holden as well. Yeah, I had all the facts.

But he didn't have any. He didn't have any facts. Abraham Lincoln was the 5th president That's why he's on the $5 bill Jesus Christ Someone should have shot that guy Abraham Lincoln or Holden Both Oh if only I could be in that opera house

He actually did a lot for black people, though, Abraham Lincoln. He did. What did he do? Didn't he give us checks? Yeah. Checks were actually invented with Lincoln. When he wrote the first one to black people. It was just two black people.

The white people were like, oh, that'll never work. It was 50 cents and a chicken wig, and they were like, oh, that'll never work. It was 50 cents and a chicken wig. And they're like, oh, this is great, thank you. Marcus, what's going on in the world? What's going on in the world? Here's something that's going on here in New York. This is local news.

Michael Bray, a bit actor, killed his mother with a three-foot sword because he thought that she had been possessed by the devil. Was she? Chinaman? No. Looks like a mixed race, man. Space baby. Yeah, typical space baby.

Man, that story is definitely cowabunga. Wait, you took... God damn it, man. Oh, no, it was Jackie. I thought I was holding for a second. Ouch. So why did he kill his mama? Because he said that she was possessed

by the devil. Neighbors say that they heard him shouting Bible verses and saying, sinner, sinner, and he never accepted Jesus. He was saying all this while he was hacking his mom to death. He had her to death with a Freemason's sword, though, wasn't it? And whenever he was carried out on a stretcher, he shouted,

the greatest architect in the universe, which is a Masonic term for God. Yeah, I think that's what he's all about. And the cops showed up and they were out there for an hour hearing the woman scream for help and him just telling her that she was a total sea bag and was going to go to hell. And then an hour later, they finally busted down the door and found her without a head.

So the big controversy was that they should have busted in the door earlier, but they just chose to listen to the show. And they had the permission of the landlord to break the door down. Still didn't do it. Yeah, they still didn't go for it. This guy was a bit star on Ugly Betty, right?

Ugly Betty. He had a sense of... That is impressive, though. Imagine how much effort it would take to like hack somebody apart. You know? It's usually your mother. Yeah, but still, man. Well, it's probably as painful for him as it was for her birthing him. You know?

It takes a lot of time. So I guess it's a give and take, the motherhood. Absolutely. Pros and cons of hearing this story. All right? Pro is, I do not have an erection, meaning I am not a sicko. Good to really realize that. Secondly,

stories like that, don't they scare the shit out of you? I'm just happy I don't have children. Because we were all probably raised in some sort of religion. Somehow we snapped away from it before it, even though we all still have the guilt and all that shit, We got out of it. Somehow we snapped away from it before it, even though we all still have the guilt and all that

shit, we got out of it before we would ever take a sword to a fucking mother or a sibling. Dude, who knows who you could be sitting next to one day and you say something like, God damn! And they're like, God damn you!

Jabba fucking, jab a lock through your head. That's a knife, right? You gotta stay aware. You just have to be aware. Every time Kissel brings a sword into the apartment or some kind of strange weapon, I wait until he falls asleep and I just take it out.

And I hide it somewhere in the streets. That explains why all the knives are bubble-wrapped. That's good. But Professor Ben Kissel looks like you should have a sword at all times. I would love to have a sword at all times. You look like a Nordic mother. You would have been a Viking in some life.

I don't know what I would have been. Maybe the cook. I guess Eddie, you would have been the cook. You'd have been like Hagar in Hagar the Horrible. Yeah, that would have been awesome. Always upsetting his wife. A hot-ass would have been the cook. You'd have been like Hagar in Hagar the Horrible? Yeah, that would have been awesome. Always upsetting his wife. A hot ass woman, by the way. He's fucking like the hottest chick in the chick village.

Fucks whoever he wants. He's Hagar the Horrible. No, not that horrible. He's not that horrible, though. And that's another thing. Back to the guy who cut off his mom's face. Yeah. That guy was an actor.

I love the way he cut off her face. Like somewhere... Sometimes it takes a scalpel. Somewhere there's an acting coach somewhere talking about the dedication this guy had to her. He was warming up for a character. You people don't understand the craft. It was method.

His mother wanted to die because she believed in his art form. If police officers and rapists get their shit kicked in prison, I wonder what an actor... What'd you do on the episode? I was an actor. Alright.

They just have him do monologue pieces. Yeah, they're gonna love him. He's just a huge star. They just claw him at every second. Oh my, he better start stretching that ass now. Because that is going to be... That would have been funny if as he was being carried out he would have been yelling, I'm Meisner! It's Meisner!

They should have taken that storyline and used it in Ugly Betty. That would have been much better than that show. Was that show bad? It wasn't very good. America Friera. She's a real diva. That's what they say. Oh, yeah?

Far too ugly. Far too ugly to be a diva. But she was. Nonetheless. She makes servants get up under her butt and smell her when she farts. Oh, true. Yeah, yeah. That's actually hot as fuck.

That is. Jay, you ever been farted on in the face? Sometimes I like to stick my face in there like a Gapolic painting. Yeah? What? Like a Gapolic painting? Yeah, just kind of scattered with shat. What if she really was the devil, though? I mean, that's the thing.

You never know. You never think of that. We might have 70 years of sunlight just because he killed this devil woman. And no one said thank you. I failed to mention the bathtub was full of dead chickens and pig blood. You never know what she was doing in there.

It's a thank you from the round table, if in fact that lady was the devil. Thank you from the round table. Good point. I think he's a good person. And yet, hack the fucker up, too. If she was the devil, hack the fucking living hell out of her. I couldn't do it.

They're just going to morph back together anyway. Yeah, completely. Like Terminator 2. Yeah, we've seen the movies. Or if he really believed she was the devil. I don't think that he believed she was the devil. She just didn't love Jesus enough for him. And immediately had to get her head cut off.

I mean, okay. This is better than a stoning. Yeah, that's true. I don't know. A one-man stoning is kind of hard to pull off, though. Yeah. You get a ton of fucking rocks. Then you get a fucking rock. You probably have to go

and collect them. Collect the rocks. Go back 50 yards away. You only got three rocks. That's a long... Go back 50 yards away. You only got three rocks. That's a long death. That's got to be a better way for this. That is a long death. Where did Jackie go?

Jackie had to go piss out of her vagina. So that's where they're doing it these days. That's the best way to piss. She used to do it in the streets, so this is much better. Much better. Well, speaking of piss, the TSA, you know, they're doing all the pat-downs these days. About a week ago, they were patting down this guy. He had bladder cancer at one point.

And he had a urostomy bag sealed to his stomach. And while they were patting him down, they burst the bag. And the guy was just covered in piss. Cowabunga! But here's the thing Peep peep peep peep peep peep peep Thank you so much sidekick We're rocking you fuckers We're beating you in the game

Every step of the way That's disgusting I love it That's perfect revenge for those TSA people. Where did this happen? This was in Orlando. So did he say,

hey, I have a colostomy bag? He did. He told him. He said, I tried to warn him that he would hit the bag and break the seal on my bag, but he ignored me. Sure enough, the seal was broken and urine started dribbling down my shirt and my leg and into my pants And did he cry they did yeah, well, I think so they never apologized. Well. What if he really was the devil? They go, I mean we can't just let these devil men run around free

Yeah, it's a bag of demon juice. First that bag of demon juice. Release thy devil piss. So there you go. And now Chuck, another one up to the devil. That's what you always gotta do. Cowabunga. Yay! I would love it if we opened the studio door

and Michelangelo, the Ninja Turtle. What the fuck, bro? I'll tell we're real. It's weird, right? Only come out for trademark. Back to the realm of religion. A Catholic priest tried...

This is a Texas guy. Hey, a little homegrown. A little homegrown guy. His name was John Fiala. He tried to hire a hitman to kill a teen who accused him of molesting him. Also, is this Pedophile Corner? Pedophile Corner! Oh!

I'm a sports fan! I'm not a sports fan! No, I'm not a sports fan! No! Seriously. Don't touch me. That man touched me. Hello, the sound guy. Yeah, he's the best. So, this guy, he offered a neighbor five grand to kill the boy.

The raping that he accused him of, the teen accused the priest of raping him in a motel room at gunpoint while saying, if you tell anyone I'll hurt you, your family, and your girlfriend. You're already hurting me. See, man, he shouldn't have put

a hit out on him. He should have just raped him again and then murdered him himself. Because obviously he's just a pussy if he can't fucking put a hit out on him He should have just raped him again And then murdered him himself Because obviously he's just a pussy If he can't fucking do it himself There you go Strong-armed by Jackie That's great That's your new thing, strong-arming

You have a strong-arm corner Alright Going back in the basement after this. Well, okay. Honestly, though, honestly, if you were that neighbor,

wouldn't you have done something like, all right, half the money now, half after I'm done. Take half the money and then rat him out. Oh, yeah, for half

the money, yeah. I made $2,500. What are you talking about, that priest? Yeah, that molesting priest gave me $2,500. You know how Jewish they are about their

money. That's actually a really good idea, man. Get half the money up front, and then the most you can say is like, I already gave him $2,500. I never understood those movies where it was like, where they were incredulant because they took money. Yeah. Like, no, fuck that.

Yeah, I took money because I'm broke. And yeah, the guy did kill the guy. I saw it. I'll testify. But yeah, I took money also. You deserve that money. He came to you. Yeah, I took money because I'm broke. And yeah, the guy did kill the guy. I saw it. I'll testify. But yeah, I took money also. You deserve that money. He came to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a burden. The least we'd get the greatest Judge Mathis episode ever. Absolutely. As soon as the guy gets out of prison, fucking takes him to small claims court. Fucking owe me $2,500. He's the one who sold stolen hubcaps in Detroit. Yeah, Judge Mathis had a tough upbringing.

I had a tough upbringing. He had a second chance, went back to school, learned the law, and now he's a judge. Now he's above the law and he can fucking steal hubcaps whenever he goddamn pleases. Judge Mathis. Rape kids at gunpoint. Just pick them up off the ground. Yeah, they're everywhere. Just get a flamethrower

and fucking put out all the fucking fires all over the place. Yeah, they're everywhere. Just get a flamethrower and put out all the fucking fires all over the place. What's this? Well, there's wildfires in Detroit. It's always on fire, I imagine. A flamethrower's gonna help put that fire out. Oh, I'm sorry. Fuck. Fire extinguisher. Holden's beating himself up over there.

Give a cowabunga, Holden. Cowabunga! And he's back. Alright, what's going on with those nicks, huh? We're winning any ball games? So what's going to happen to this priest? When he was raping this kid, his dick was inside of his ass with a gun to his head. And that's when he told him, don't tell anybody or I'm going to hurt you.

Well, mostly hurt your family. See, that's the thing. This guy had a girlfriend at the time. Can you imagine that happening to you while having a girlfriend? You've got to break up with him. I hate to say it, but hold on. We've got to knock on the old round table door. You've got to knock.

And it is... We're just going to shut the door. You get a knock? And it is... Ed E. Letterman! We're just going to shut the door. That was our interrupting asshole moment with Ed E. Letterman. How stupid of an asshole are you if someone's got a gun to your head and you still need to be explained? What? The deal. Oh, wait, you're going to hurt me if I say anything?

What's the gun doing to my head? I don't believe this story. Because first of all, you say he's a priest, right? Why would a priest have to rape somebody at gunpoint? God knows God, allegedly. So why does he even have to threaten to kill him? Look, one phone call and you're dead, kid. Your whole family. Everybody gets cancer. That's what happens.

Why is a priest raping a teenager? No, man. Also, Michael, what if that teenager was the devil? Think about that. You've got to be a mother fucking teenager. You should have fucking killed him. He's a fucking fraudulent priest in that case. If that child was the devil, thank you from the round table for raping him.

What do you guys think? This is honestly how I feel. If my girlfriend got raped, I don't think you can stay dating. This is not the best thing to say. No, I'm not saying my... No, I'm not saying... I'm saying if somebody... If Marla was raped,

you wouldn't stay with her? That's a hard thing to do. Never mention my girlfriend's name, lizard tongue! Never mention my girlfriend's name. Jesus fucking Christ. What if you raped her? If I raped her?

I'm not going to ask that. I'm thinking about it. I can't get with any woman who would have sex with me. It would suck, though. It would completely ruin any chance of a comedy career. Oh, it would be terrible. Is this girlfriend going to stay with this guy? He just got penetrated in the butt. He's been crying all night.

It doesn't, I mean, it's not that far in depth, the story. I mean, they didn't get a statement from her. Take my wife, please. Have you ever slept with someone who's been raped before? Not that I know of. I mean, not until. Have you? Not until I've slept with them. You did? Yeah.

Why are you so excited? Every time she masturbates. Wait, so you slept with a guy or a girl that had been raped? A guy that had been raped. Anally? It was Cowabunga, man. Was it by a priest or a family member?

No, it was a family friend. Not such a good one. Yikes. I think it's safe to say he wasn't family friend. Not such a good one. Yikes. I think it's safe to say he wasn't a friend. You got raped by a family friend? Yeah. No, this dude she was banging.

Yeah, the dude I was banging. So did he love butt play, hate butt play? Oh, no. Yeah, no. He couldn't go anywhere near it. He couldn't even shit. No, because there were like stitches. He just vomited up the food right there.

Soon it turns into shit. Then it turns into my ass feeling like it was raped again. Did he tell you that he had been raped before or after sex? After. Yikes. Did I sleep with him again? Nay, no. Uh oh.

Come in. We're recording. The shriek of Annie Letterman, ladies and it. Come in, come in. We're recording. Oh, God, the shriek of Annie Letterman. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our... Are you fucking cut, sir? All right, she's been listening to her seat a little bit too long. Annie, you ever sleep with a dude who's been raped before? Annie, could you get me another Red Bull?

Are you drinking? No, I just... Yeah, I did. Oh, you're making me a waitress? That's cute. Yeah, well, you know, you are coming in here and jumping in on other people's time and money. I know, it looks fun.

You can at least bring the guest tonight a Red Bull. Sean Beck? I'll take that. She's delivered some brews. So, yeah, Annie Letterman, let's say you're with a fella. Maybe you got his butt poked a time or two by a family friend. Can you still be with that man, or are you immediately going to break up with him?

I would only be with a man that was raped. I like them. I honestly imagine just gazing into sad, sad, sad eyes and being like, it's okay. Oh, wow. That's very sweet. That's very nice. That's terrifying.

Also, more likely to be verbally abusive if they've been raped. You would be. They're verbally abusive, but their voices are such a high pitch. Everyone who's molested. Absolutely.

I think there's very few men that I've been with that have not been diddled at some point. Oh, wow. You have a type. That's correct. There you go. Oh, wow. Interesting. By someone, yeah. You have a type. That's correct. There you go. Yeah, broken.

Never seen an uncle she didn't like. Shake your hand, sir. Thank you for creating my boyfriend. I did once stick a pen, like a writing pen, like halfway up my butt.

Really? And I'll tell you why. It's because I knew as a kid you could stick your finger down your throat and make yourself vomit. Oh, so tight. I wanted to see if you could

stick something up your butt and make yourself poop. Well, they have suppositories. They just sell those at the store. I got addicted to those one time. I used to do them when I had to make weight for football back in the day. For football? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is rough.

You had to make weight for peewee football? Yeah, yeah. You had to shit. Yeah, because I'd take laxatives and shit all day and run with a trash bag and then go play football at 7am on a Snickers. Jesus Christ. Do you have to shove them up into your ass though? They're fantastic.

It immediately absorbs into your whatever that is there. I got addicted to them. I was 11. You got addicted to suppositories? How do you get addicted? I imagine if it was a penis. It's not the smallest of little penises. Did you leave the cap on? I would go imagine if there's a penis not you know did you

the cap on the back end first oh man you should have started creating some art with it absolutely um you got addicted to suppositories. How old were you? I was just like 19. Okay. But I just... Oh, you're a baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I would eat whole pizzas, you know, before I went to sleep. And then I thought a diet would be just to be like, shit it.

I didn't realize that when it gets to the shit point, your body's already absorbed all the fat. So I wanted to get it out as quick as possible. So you shit out all the vitamins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. out as quick as possible. So you shit out all the vitamins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was took. Yeah, okay. This is great. This is like the Christmas special like on the Osmonds where somebody knocks on the door and they just see who's coming. Oh, let's talk about rape.

How many things have you had in your butt aside from a penis? No, nonetheless, suppositories are fantastic. I recommend everybody do them. He's listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they make you feel great.

The more you know. I don't know, I'd rather puke. Didn't Kennedy get shot in a suppository book? Yeah, he got shot. He got shot with a suppository. That's why his brain blew out so quick. It just penetrated him

and made his brain shit. Pow! God, cowabunga, right? Cowabunga. Fuck, Kennedy. He didn't do nothing for black people. I'm going to shoot him. No, I'm just kidding. It's recorded now. We can just cut the I'm just kidding part. We'll send you back to the past.

And I'll bend it. What if I'm the devil? Let's murder him! Someone please put a gun in, rape him! I'm pretty sure the devil is white. Man, everyone broke all their heads. The devil's definitely white. I haven't got any kind of a chance.

He better be white. I hope to God he's white. I want to know, though, back to the story, when the Catholic Church is going to go, yeah, you're right, something's wrong here. The way we do things, we make rapists. Well, the popular gets to step forward, though. Going back to the age thing, they're getting better.

Soon they're just going to be raping 18-year-olds. I think the whole religion would crumble if that happened. If they had to go and actually make an agreement that it would be done. But it's only because it's the capital. Like, if this was McDonald's, if Ronald McDonald was going around, if every Ronald McDonald at every McDonald's was raping people across the country, a hamburger would be very illegal right now.

But it's the terse. Well, you know, all they would have to do. I like this pinky, by the way. This reminds me of the suppository. Yeah. Put that right in the butt. All they would have to do is allow Catholic priests to fraternize women. Yeah.

So much easier for them. Everything would be done. No, come on. Yeah. They have to do was allow Catholic priests to fraternize women. Yeah, so much easier for them. Everything would be done. No, come on. They have to. They gotta do it. Catholics are the only leaders of a church who can't fuck women. The big thing of it

is that the reason why they become child molesters is they get cut off at such an early age from sexual thoughts. All their sexual thoughts originate around

when they were kids. And then they say no more fucking, no more sex thoughts. It's bad. So it sticks with the young girls and boys that they saw. And I just realized, all day long... Alden, are you a Catholic priest on the side?

No! Is it fucked up that I'm still attracted to Natalie Portman in The Professional? We were the same age. Yeah. But now you're 29. I still think Benny from the Sandlot's hot. Alright, good.

But he was like 32 when they shot him. No, he was like 14 and now but I checked him out now and he's like I don't want to know. I want to reject that whole part of his life. I want him to just imagine he was frozen. Well, that's the whole thing. Like Christian Bale and Newsies. I'm not attracted to Christian Bale now. I mean, I am, but

I'm really more attracted to you know, I want to sing Santa Fe at me outside my window while he's watching me dress. Holy Christ. Going back to the priest zone, I mean, it's like all day long. Uh-oh. Kind of getting aroused.

Everyone shut all the blinds. Get locked down to his chair with the Catholic priest all day long they have children coming in and confessing to them all I ever confessed to my priest when I was 12 or 13 was how much I jacked off and touched my dick

I mean all we're giving him is fucking fodder what do you think? so what was that conversation like? so the priest is like so confess your sins what do you say there? oh god father I fucking sinned so much I just did when I said fucking What was that conversation like? So the priest is like, so confess your sins. What do you say there? Oh, God, Father. I fucking sinned so much. I just did.

When I said fucking, I just did again. No, yeah, what'd you do? I, uh, I just, I, I, I masturbated. I touched my penis. Really? How? How?

What's your reaction? I get hard. What kind of lube did you use? Did you spit or what? Did you touch your balls? Did you stroke it fast or light? Well. Soft or hard? No, did you put your pinky in your ass? Because you could do that Did you touch your balls? Did you stroke it fast or light? Soft or hard?

Now, did you put your pinky in your ass? Because you could do that, you know. You could just do that. That feels good, but it's a sin. Okay, so I'll just apologize for that. I'll give you great details when I come back. Absolutely. Okay.

Here's $30. Hey, great. I'm never going to talk. You know what? I don't even know what. That was the longest pedophile corner ever. Let's close up pedophile corner. No, don't touch me there.

Don't touch me there. No, don't touch me there. I still have dreams about it. Radio man. What's going on not pedophile related? Anything? I can't think of anything else. Y'all ready for World War III?

Yeah! I didn't want to say too, the Catholic Church you guys read the Pope just allowed he said you could use condoms. Which is a big step forward. So hopefully those priests will start using condoms. Unless we all die step forward. So, hopefully those priests will start using condoms. Unless we all die

before then. You never know. So what's going on with World War III? That would be North Korea. First they come out with the new nuclear facility that absolutely stunned all the scientists that went in and looked at it. It was so advanced.

Far beyond what we thought they were capable of. And then about four days after that, boom, they attacked South Korea. And now the U.S. is sending nuclear-armed warships into the area around South and North Korea. I'm going to be drafted, man. I'm under 25. I'm not in school anymore. You don't have to let me into the military, Jackie. I have blood 25. I'm not in school anymore. You're not going to get that. I have blood clots. You don't want me.

You have blood clots. You're great. You're gold. I have blood clots, too. Undraftable. Your father had allergies. He was physically fit. I have all kinds of webbed feet. It is a fucking war zone down there. You're over 25, though, man. You're out of the fucking draft. 27, isn't it? I thought it was 25.

But if they run out of people, I've got weird scaly areas of my body. I'm very unnatural. I'm very unfit. You can see organs in parts of my body. There's little windows into the inside of my body. I really think I would cut off a part of my body and not go into war. There it is. I wish they would try to draft me.

I would jack off right in the office. I would jack off everywhere. They take me close, I'm jacking off there too. I'm jacking off everywhere. 2011, Jay's jacking off everywhere. I'm dying. That's exactly what they're looking for though, and you're like, you're perfect. That's something you're jacking off new jack-off you have to do for

Kim Jong. Can you beat off on the enemy? Can you do that for us? I think I can do it here. I guess I could. Then it's a win-win. If I gotta go to war just to jack off then fuck it, I'll go. That's what British spies used to use cum for invisible ink.

That's true. Take you versus Korean who can jack off first. It's shot in the head. Take you versus a Korean who can jack off first and then you want to do it and get shot in the head. Yeah, but then they move too fast. Take the worst case or brush them all up. You're going to lose.

Oh my God. I would love to see a little Korean jack off. They move too fast. They have those tiny hands and the tiny, tiny dicks and they're just going to dee dee dee

like swizzle stick fuck that shit, man. And then you're going to lose and you're going to get fucking shot in the head. No, my technique is impeccable. Two strokes, I'm in and out.

I'm like fucking James Bond. Oh, God. I just think of a North Korean jacking off real quick, and then just one sperm comes out. Like in a cartoon where they're like, oh, no more cereal. And they're just like, one girl. I would love to have a larger size sperm, though, as a pet. And you just have them snuggle with them in bed. If you had a big one you could hang out with, play catch with. Slimy flagello is going to be all up in your shit, man.

I mean, I like to be slimy. What do you think, Patton? You want a big sperm to cuddle with at night? I'm thinking about, this seems like every action movie we ever grew up with. Where are the fucking... The Cobras? Yeah.

They're like the one guy we send into North Korea to just quietly disarm the entire fucking thing. We gotta get that American Rambo. The guy who went over to Iraq recently, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta send that guy in there. He was not successful. Yeah.

We should send all of our Catholic priests over to North Korea. They all look like little boys anyway. They just start fucking all those poor, poor individuals. They have no food over there. We should gross them out, man. We should fight an unconventional war where we just go and do weird shit.

Like, they all come with their guns and their tanks and shit, and we all whip our dick off and start jerking off. They're like, what the fuck is going on with these Americans? Yeah. I don't think they jerk it off idea you got, Jay. I don't think North Koreans jerk off. That's how the Irish got the English out.

Yeah? Yeah. The Irish have those huge balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing with them. Potatoes, they call them. I'm like a brewer. Well, no, but is North Korea like,

we want to start blowing shit up or are they like, respect us now? Well, what's going on is... No, they just want to start blowing shit up. No, Kim Jong's about to

dip out of power. He's going to die. Yeah, he just wants to blow shit up. His son is... Yeah, he wants to go out with a big bag. No, he wants to take

the world with him. It's a scary fucking situation. It really is, yeah. No, he's insane, man. He's fucking crazy as hell. Those stupid ass movies he makes. One of the most... Oh, my God. One of the movies. He's insane, man. He's fucking crazy as hell. Those stupid ass movies he makes. Oh my god. He's got the tallest building in the world.

Just so he can have it, it's completely empty. People are starving in shacks. Three blocks from the fucking building. It's the worst thing in the world. I heard on a sports show that he lies about a golf score that no one's ever shot. He says, I shot a 69 under par or some ridiculous number. And they have to

believe him. Someone's got to put a bullet in this guy's head real fast. His favorite movie? Titanic. Of course it is. The ship went down. That's why. He loved that part. He said that he was so moved by the film that he could not bear to watch it a second time. And he had a lot of interesting ideas

is what he said. with the dot, dot, dot. Yeah, same thing with Saddam and everything. They loved American movies and American culture, but they just wanted to, like, blow it up. They loved it. They were like, awesome, let's blow that up, man. It's like a serial killer who just loves women so much

he just has to kill them. He just needs to see what's under their skin. Yeah, he needs to wear them. Saddam was just a scapegoat. Saddam wasn't going to hurt anyone. Except for Iraqis. He was a monster. If Saddam was a better parent, things would have been better.

He was like a monster that was like, if you live by my cave, I'm going to eat you. But I ain't coming after you. George Bush was like, I need to splay somebody out. I need to fucking show them something. Let's hang this dude. He was Stalin-esque though, something. Let's hang this dude. I can't believe how quickly they hung him.

Stalin-esque though, man. He just wants everybody dead. I love to hate him, man. There's one thing that man can do and that is to hate on everybody. He wants them all dead. He wants us all to go with him, man. And I think that we're going to. We gotta stop him.

We gotta do something. He's trying to run out the door. We're gonna hold him back. Gonna hold him back. He wants to start the war now. That's what I'm saying. Would you fuck Kim Jong-il? If he was molested when he was a kid. Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely. I'm sure he was. That kid got throat fucked every day. How do they even have kids? I don't get it. Kids having kids? Do they just have a nuclear facility or do they actually have warheads?

They have enough centrifuges to produce nuclear grade uranium. But they don't have anything set up. But they're pretty god damn close. They don't have anything set up, but they're pretty goddamn close. We can get in there. They couldn't hit anything on this continent.

They couldn't hit anything here. Which will fucking hurt North Korea. They're a bridge apart. You can't nuke your neighbor. You know what sucks is we have to stick up for South Korea. Which is fine. Of course. We got China back in North Korea. We got a little proxy war on our hands. This will be fun.

I love proxy wars. America doesn't get their hands dirty. But we got China back in North Korea. We got a little proxy war on our hands. This will be fun. Yeah. I love proxy wars. America doesn't get their hands dirty, but we get to watch all the action. It's perfect. We have like a side bet with China. Yeah, exactly. None of us care. China doesn't give a fuck. We're just treating it like fantasy war.

Holden McNeely. You got a segment for us. A segment for you, a cowabunga or two. We're going to run right into this in the show today. It's a simple segment, but you have to use a little bit of roundtable imagination. You sound awful right now. Cowabunga. Jesus Christ.

It's doing good. Alright, you won the lottery. What do you do with the money? Do you give it to me? Do you give it to my family? Age old question. Give me a rough estimate. How big is this lottery? Okay, we're going to go with

let's just go with a billion dollars. Billion dollar lottery? Billion dollar lottery? Yeah, 93 million. You don't know about that. 7. 30 million. 30 million.

I was really well into a story about a comedian in the UK, right? Absolutely, yeah. A comedian in the UK was told that he had three months to live so he blew all of his life savings just doing everything he wanted. Ended up he actually is going to live.

That's the worst. But he had one hell of a fucking three month. He had a great it was like a couple weeks. I think that's worth it. Man, you just had a great fucking time. I would blow my brains out personally, but... He's a comedian.

How much money could he have had? He was a successful comedian. Yeah, exactly. He bought a Sajo television. He wasn't like all the fuck-ups that we know. He actually saved money. Yeah, he did mostly puppets. He had a puppet act.

He was a multimillionaire. He didn't drink the money away. Wasn't that the fuck that. Wouldn't that be fucked up if he fell off the wagon just because of it? He's like, fuck, I got three months. I need a drink now.

That's great. That's what we wish for. Every sober person wishes for that. That's what we call it. Three months. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with the comedians in this city?

What do you mean? Everybody is sober now. When you almost die a bunch of times. Yeah, that's called Saturday Oh, here's the thing, you know what the guy was dying of? Cirrhosis What a comic

Cheers How does that reverse? How do you get reverse cirrhosis? Well, he was told the doctors He probably should have known the doctors were bullshit When they also told him he was pregnant They told him that he had cirrhosis And then it turns out that he just had a hereditary liver condition.

Treatable. Oh, so he's going to die in six months instead of three months. No, it's totally treatable. How old is the guy? It doesn't say, but it says that he worked with Bob Monkhouse for 20 years. He Bob Monkhouse? He Bob Monkhouse He bought Munkhouse Stop Munkhouse

Holy shit Munkhouse really took him under his wing It says that he worked with him for 20 years So I'm imagining the guy's in his 40s or 50s Alright, alright I'm imagining somewhere around there Munkhouse has a 20 year career Yeah, Munkhouse has a 20 year career

Well that's the thing. This guy's name is Dave Ismay. Ismay Monk House Show. And he had 10 weeks to spend all the money. This guy should have known the doctors were bogus when they also told me he was pregnant.

I just... It was pretty good though. Cowabunga! Cowabunga! Cowabunga! This guy should have known the doctors were bogus when he went to the office and the doctor was watching Joe vs. the Volcano. Come on!

That movie sucks. You have a brain cloud. Come on, that movie was fucking good. All the guys drink orange soda on the island. It was stupid, you're right. How can they diagnose ten weeks, too? That's like such a weird... I'm sure he went in for a checkup and they were like,

whoop, fucked up. Yeah, but how do they know? How can they quantify down to ten weeks? Well, he got between the time that he was diagnosed until the time that he found out he wasn't going to live. Oh, I think you're saying they give him 10 weeks to live. No, they give him 3 months to live. 33 days. Oh, you could also

What a selfish asshole anyway. He should give his money to charity. What? You would never give money to charity. When I die? Yeah, what else are you going to do with it? No, but you spend it on yourself for the next life. I'm spending both dimes on myself. I don't give a fuck. All right, Che.

You've got $30 million. What are you going to do with it? You've got the lottery. Now, keep in mind, $10 million of that is going to the government. They're taking $30 million right away. Oh, shit. They didn't even take $30 million. Let's go ahead.

Big white boobs in the mail. Let's say $30 million post-taxes. $30 million? Post-taxes. $30 million? Post-taxes. You got a day to live. I guess since I'm in the Barnett chair, I have to say Iron Man suit. But, um... I don't know.

You should probably try to do some Brewster's Millions. No, yeah, I would ball out of control. I'm going to the strip club, basically. Every night. I'm going to have a great time. I appreciate your honesty. Yes, lots and lots of pussies will be purchased. There it is, Michael Che.

Buy and sell human beings. Fuck yeah. Manny, what are you going to do? With that money? Probably just definitely relapse. Go somewhere. No, I hate the fucking beach I don't know

I would just do the same shit I do now Just Just with 30 million dollars I would buy myself Some spots Spots Spots

Alright Annie's spinning her Trey you got strippers Annie's got spots Sean what do you got 30 million 30 million bucks Move to Australia

Build a giant Underground compound You gonna take Abagly with you Oof. No one knows who that is. No one knows who that is. I'd spend $1,000 having that portion edited out.

I know it doesn't cost any money, but I'd still give it to you. You have $30,000. That's some cold hard cash there, Marcus. I'd have you read it to make it sound like Annie just queefed and barfed at the same time I can do that absolutely Vote to Australia Build an underground compound One that could sustain a nuclear blast

Or make it big enough For about 100 people Fill it full of water and canned goods and shotguns In case we gotta defend ourselves But that's just the case You also want some ranged weapons too Let's say you spend about 10 million on that just to have

then I buy a yacht I sail it until the middle of the North Atlantic I sink it on purpose I get on a raft because I just want to have that one experience

from Castaway where he sees the whale I just want to have that goddamn that one experience from Castaway where he sees the whale he just wants to have the one the scariest thing to me in the world is the ocean at night if I'm on a raft and I see the a whale and I survive it

and then on the transmogrifier I go come pick me up now I saw the whale now I've conquered my biggest fear. I'm cool. I come back to the States with $15 million probably left over. Yeah.

And I just, you know what I do? I act like one of those total douchebags who acts like I'm poor when I'm really rich. I act like one of those guys. I'm like, people are like, man, I can't make rent this motherfucker. I know what you mean.

Who's the nice guy cool guy cool guy and then I buy Annie some spots but I pay audience not to go because he's hugging me guys

and then then I then I I fucking get I find a guy a badass Rambo motherfucker give give him $10 million, say, go in there, take out North Korea. Like they do in the movies. There you go, problem solved.

I'd say you ought to hire like five. And then one of them will make it in. Here's $5 million up front, a million apiece. You should make a documentary of that and then you can make money off of that documentary. Give them all priest collars and guns and make them rape Kim Jong-il.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Ben, what are you doing? Oh, first of all, yeah, definitely gonna gonna rape. No, I'd give

a couple hundred dollars to make that pregnancy joke go well. So, some people like that. And then I would buy like the world's worst orphanage. And then I would buy the world's worst orphanage. And then I would buy the New York Knicks. And I would set up a team of ragtag group of individuals full of spunk and panache. I think the New York Knicks cost like $32 million.

You never know. And then I'd put together that team. And I would say, if we win the NBA championship, we're going to fix up that goddamn shitty ass whatever I bought earlier. What? Orphanage. Then we're going to win that championship and then we're going to fix up that orphanage.

It's going to be pretty much like a Three Stooges plot. Oh, and we set up an open mic slash bringer show in North Korea. Yeah, you may let them in three spots a day. Of course. Jackie. I'd want to be like the godmother of cocaine. I would want to be able to buy people and have them be scared of me

so that I could get anyone murdered I wanted to. But also, I would also want a big farm in the middle of nowhere where I could eat all the meat I want to eat. Like, I want to buy men, I want to watch them murder the animals, fucking skin them, and I want to watch

them roast it over a fucking fire to my needs. I want to own everything I see. Everybody, Jackie is single, by the way. All you men out there, let's... Meet her! I want to own, I want to scare, I want to eat. Done.

God. Ed, please be something nice. I want to spend my 30 million stopping Jackie. What are you going to do? What I do is I'm going to pay for my own TV channel called Calabunga.

It's going to show only old reruns of the Calabunga Boys, which is a show that I'm going to run a lot for there to be lots of reruns. And then I'm going to spin the other half of it. Cowabunga Boys is going to fucking roll your face, Marcus. What's Cowabunga Boys? I can't wait. It's just two goofy guys getting into trouble.

A sound guy and a nutty upstart with glasses. They both have glasses. You know, they just, you know, they smoke a lot of weed. You glasses. They both have glasses. You know, they just smoke a lot of weed. Do they have good times? Yeah, they have good times. They're like, it's shenanigans. Oh, dude, the carpet's dirty. I got it.

Kick it, kick it, kick it. Mary's stuck in the old barn. You know, fun stuff like that. I can't wait to watch that TV show. Oh, it's going to be great. And then I'll spend the other half of the money probably on some kind of laboratory to try to make human zombies

pour acid on their skin. Like a Dahmer-like thing, but try to make them come to life. Absolutely. That's a fantastic idea. If the zombie apocalypse is going to happen, it's going to be by me. All right?

And nobody else bringing it on. I'm bringing it on. Hell yeah. All right. Well, I guess that's the fucking thing. I guess that's the fucking thing. Alright, guys. Thank you. Thank you. This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen, the most fantastic podcast.

Thank you, Jack. Hungover. Hungover. Well, everyone. Jack is a brat. Ed Larson holding McNeil. Go up! Buck up! Michael J. Marcus Parks. Thank you. Sean Patton from In the Truck A Lot, and Annie Letterman. I'm Ben Kissel. A good day, and have a fun time with your day.

That was a terrible close. Have a fun time. What's wrong with that? Have a fun time. Oh, God, that was awful. Go for it. Get out there. Makes me want to throw up. Put some pep in your step.