The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 230: Slimer Goes to Sunday School

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this special live Round Tabler of the Year edition of the Round Table: a Montana woman gets caught up in an elaborate monkey scam, a woman falls to her death moments after accepting a marriage proposal, and a man trying to sell his virginity online gets zero takers. Joining us for this special event: Jason Saenz, Mookie, Roommate Mike, Amber Nelson, and the Reformed Whores!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I've got a lot of things to say today. What's wrong, Jackie?

I'm going to go ahead and say fuck you, God, for not nominating me for the fucking round table of the year. It was not God didn't vote this year. It must have been God that made the list because God is the only one that makes mistakes this fucking big. What about Eddie?

He's that big. Eddie's the biggest mistake God ever made. I didn't say fat. I said big. I know that I promised Lupe that I wasn't going to wear pants, but it does feel like five degrees outside, so I'm keeping my promised Lupe that I wasn't gonna wear pants but it does feel like five degrees outside so I'm keeping my pants on but I did drink enough whiskey god to really piss on this fucking awards show where did you tell Lupe you weren't gonna be wearing pants it was on the online I told Lupe on the online that I wasn't wearing pants no it was on an open forum

I do believe secret Secret PMs. Yeah, it was a secret PM. Talked about fucking spitting all over y'all, which I'm spitting from here, but I got this spit guard. Thank fucking God that I got this spit guard. So I just want to thank you all and say fuck everyone in this room. Oh, very nice. You have to say

amen or the prayers. Amen. Okay, now God got it. That's the send button for God is amen. Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, you'll listen to the whole fucking show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. It's our special live edition.

And, of course, once a year, Eddie is fat. I'm fat all year. Every second. But he's fat, but he picks up a pen and he creates something called the Roundtabler of the Year Award. So this episode is going to be dedicated to the Ed Larson Produce. The fourth annual Roundtabler of the Year.

That's how you're supposed to introduce it, Ben. Oh, that's how you introduce it. People showed up. Oh, yes. Unlike one of your birthday parties, people are here. I don't celebrate my birthday and if anybody showed up, I'd be upset. Ed, that was a...

Thank you so much, Eddie. Ed, that was a class rib. Thanks, man. But you know who didn't fucking show up? I'm going to throw it out there. Amber Nelson didn't show up. She's coming a little bit.

She's upstairs. She's not in here right now three times. She's up for the show. Only woman that's nominated this year. Only woman this year she's been nominated

three times. I know. This is her third nomination. I bet she's not going to fucking win, because women can't win ever. That's exactly right. Jackie knows a lot about that. Kevin, you're saying to Jackie,

oh, no, what you said, that's not my standby, man. Thank you very much. Holden, you're here. Pop letters, ho! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Holden, you're here. Popnator's home! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! I hear another ho from the crowd. You're all out of here. It is also still under investigation on how Holden even got nominated. I got the popular vote online. My nader, Andrew, fucking threw up a vote on Facebook. And I got the popular vote. I also want to throw it out there.

Fucking put that loogie in the bowl, brother. Hock them loogies into that bowl, brother. You can't smoke a loogie. This is Holden's first nomination. If he wins, I quit the round table. I'm putting it out there. That's fine. Them's fighting words, Holdenators.

My fucking Nators hat. My fucking Nators. It's so bad. Kevin Barnett, you're here too too Yeah, I'm here, man I realize this is the first year I wasn't nominated No, no, you were only nominated once before last year Oh, alright

Last year you were the first actual person on the round table Other than me, because, you know No, wait, I've been Has been nominated Oh, wow, that's fascinating I don't know I've never been nominated? Oh, wow, that's fascinating. I don't know. I've never been nominated. Not yet.

I don't mind that. I like that. It's been close. It's been close. You know, if you saw these numbers, you'd cry. Right, right, right. Yeah, it's always like a half vote. Somebody keeps voting a half vote instead of a whole vote, and you lose by that half.

Your fans aren't smart enough. Isn't that ironic, Ed? I tell you though, it is an honor just to be nominated. It's nice that you nominated yourself. I bought the beers on this table. Are you fucking kidding me? Right. It's fine. This is something important to

Ed. We don't know how much longer he has left. So let's just appreciate the moment. This is the roundtable of the year episode. It's important to everybody. I mean, my phone's been ringing off the hook. I wish that was true for you. But Marcus, we still have to do news stories. Yes, we do.

200 emails a day. No, you don't. No. Man, you don't got no fucking computer, man. Exactly. And I want to send a quick ho to the Holdenators on the live chat right now. Oh, yes. You got to cover all my bases, all right?

It's like politics, this fame. You got eight hoes. And three noes. There you go. I love the haters, too. The Holdenator haters. Big ho to all you as well. All right. That's good.

Marcus, when's that gonna die? Can you kill it at this point? I feel like you were allowed to hit the stop button. 300 Holdenators can't be wrong. Tomahawk. Fuckers. I mean, honestly, they can't be wrong because they don't live in a world where right or wrong is even a thing that matters.

It is such a bizarre world of thought. It's chaos, man. It's fucking anarchy. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. It's fucking anarchy. Next. Wow.

Look at that. New story? Yeah, let's do one. New Hampshire's bear expert is proposing to eliminate the use of chocolate as bait after four bears were found dead at one trapping site due to a chocolate overdose. I love this story, and I feel

so bad for those bears, but they died really the death that every good bear should die, just death by chocolate. Bears are like dogs in that sense? No, that's not true. I think the bears can eat chocolate. They eat so much chocolate. That's why they die. Yeah, they died of heart failure caused by theobromine, a toxic ingredient in chocolate.

You can overdose on chocolate. How much chocolate did they eat? 90 pounds. Wow. That's a lot. Were you getting worried, Eddie? I was. I just got to know the gauge.

90 pounds. 90 pounds. Split between four bears, though, Ed. Sounds like Ed needs to go to a bear party. Actually, don't do that, because there'll just be a bunch of big sweaty guys like you trying to talk. Oh, my God.

The idea of you fucking a dude who looks like you is so gross. No, it'll be fun. It's like looking like two mirrors facing each other and it goes in infinity. Yeah, that's true. The sad thing is we both have hemorrhoids. The worst, the problem is you have to realize what you are. That's the sad part about it. And you don't need lube, that's for sure, because I'm greasy.

Also, you keep popping those hemorrhoids, so it just slips right in. Oh, yeah. You got to make room. Who are those hemorrhoids so it just slips right in. You gotta make room. Who are your hemorrhoids, Ed? We haven't talked about Ed's hemorrhoids in quite a while. They haven't been flaring up. I haven't been bringing them up. No, they haven't been getting big. It's best not to talk about them, because once you

do, their ears get itchy and they come looking. I know all about it. Alright. So the bears are dead there. They had to... The bears, two female adults and two cubs, were found dead within 50 feet of where

a hunter had put down 90 pounds of chocolate and donuts as bait. This is... I love... I think it was Massachusetts or maybe New Hampshire, they had a law this year where they're trying to ban giving bears donuts. Trying to ban trapping via donuts. It's unfair. Too much of a lure.

Yeah, because it's so good. But I feel like the mother bear needed to stop those child bears from eating so much chocolate. Your mom didn't stop you, though. But Jackie, think about how nice my mother was and what a beautiful woman she is. That's the nicest you've ever met. I don't know. I'm trying to reconnect with my parents.

You said it like a killer. I thought you were mad at him. You didn't go home for Christmas. I did not go home for Christmas. Two years in a row, they're very homophobic. They go to a Haitian church and they're white, and I disagree with that. How do you feel about that, Kevin? Wait, no, man.

He's Jamaican. There's no reason for them to go to a Haitian church. He hates Haitians. They got all types of flags and shit. It's very confusing. And they hate the majority of my parents' children. But anyway, so... How did they start going to a Haitian church?

Because Haitians were the only ones religious enough to relate to my folks, and my parents really got down with the idea of necklacing a series of gays in a black country that's suppressed by a terrible government. Wait, there are a lot of Haitians

in the Midwest? No, they live in Florida. They're in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. That's right. Anyway, they go to a Haitian church and they don't stick out at all. They just blend right in there. How is the church? Are they accepting of them? The black church

that has my two white parents in it? Yeah. Yeah, my parents are gods. Have you fucking Of course they do. Do they expect more money from them? Oh, my parents are so broke i'm assuming when they realized sort of when you watch sports center back in the day as a child and you would try to do uh try to decipher if it was the same episode over and over again but of course it always was once they saw my father wearing the exact same outfit like week after week after week

uh they realized they were the poor whites. So that's not good. But anyway, so the bears are gone. Yeah, the bears are gone. Is this legal? Well, actually, they're trying to make it illegal. They say the bear baiting is an important management tool. They've got to keep the bear population down. But Dave Nickerson, who attended...

Is he from the Haitian church? Well, it's like, that just, I mean, you just made it way more racist. You know what? It's fine, man. We're all friends. I feel like I, but I'm allowed to make fun of Haitians as much as I want in front of you, right? Hey, one time, call me a black fuck. Can you do it just so?

Yeah, I will. I'm going to save it for just the right moment. No, you save it for right now. Jackie, call him a black fuck so he gets his first born. No, I will. I'm going to save it for just the right moment. No, you save it for right now. Jackie, call him a black fuck so he gets his first booner. No, I won't. I want to save it for when the time is right. You've been itching to do it for years. Jackie, do it.

No, I won't do it. If you're a Chinese, this wouldn't even be a conversation. I know. You don't respect me as a black man. That's the problem. That's how I respect you? I haven't seen Selma yet, but I will see it. I saw it.

Yeah, it's exactly what you expect. Oh, okay, they're marching and talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We like to have fun, man. We're a fun people. A march is always fun. It's an important movie, and a lot of people should go see it. That's it.

Well, the aforementioned Dave Nickerson, who attended the meeting to talk about the chocolate and the bears, he was skeptical of the cause of death. He said that chocolate has been used at many sites. He's a pro-chocolate guy, and he asked if the lab had tested for antifreeze. I think this is fucking

total human bullshit. Back in the day, we were hunters, right? You can't just lure something in via chocolate and then shoot it and pretend like you did something with your day. It's too fucking easy. I'm anti-chocolate. I'm anti-donut. Go into the fucking woods

and cover yourself with piss. Yeah. And actually go out and proactively hunt. This is easy boy hunting. But he technically did hunt and win. I liked easy boy hunting. Whatever.

That's Jeffrey Dahmer's hunting. Boy hunting. Lazy boy. Hey there, easy boy. I'm a hunter. Why don't you go hide in the wilderness over there and I'm going to fucking find that ass. But that would be good

as long as you don't entice it with a series of different fondues. But what do you do with the easy boy when you catch it? I don't know. What do you do with it? You feed it a bunch of chocolate. Make him smile. I was going to say you play Slimer Goes to Sunday School with it. Slimer, I don't know.

There's no winner to that game, man. Oh, Slimer Goes to... He's so hard to catch. He's so messy. He's always eating. Slimer goes to... I mean, everybody but Slimer. He's so hard to catch. He's so messy. He's always eating. Slimer goes to Sunday school. Well, it's always nice to have a name for the episode picked out a quarter of the way through it. Slimer goes to

Sunday school. That was an easy one. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Let's move over to Romania for our next story. Sure. A debt-ridden Romania tried to ease his money worries by selling his virginity for 700 pounds, but didn't get a single offer. Oh.

Seb Searses put an advert in his local newspaper describing himself and offering his body so he could pay off mounting debts. His notice said, Man, 29, Brasov, athletic and toned, dark-haired, I'm selling my virginity. Price, 850 euros. Transport not included. Women make 70 cents to the dollar.

Women make 77 cents to the male dollar. And that's not good. But the one market they will always dominate is being able to sell themselves. A dude can't get any fucking cash for his dick. No one wants SEMA. Not virginity wise. Exactly. Why would wants SEMA. Not virginity-wise. Exactly. Why would I want to fuck a virgin?

Exactly. But I mean, I've never had sex with a virgin. I have no fetish to fuck a virgin. It's not fun. No, it sounds awful. And the fact that you had sex with a virgin, honestly, Marcus, I feel like I don't like you as much as I did

before I knew that. Because I think it's gross. It is gross, man. Yeah, but at least with a woman, you get to break the shield. Yeah, but I don't want to break the shield. I don't want to let something break. Why?

You don't want her to watch her in pain? She's going to writhe in pain and be like, why? No, maybe it's a bad idea. You rip it out. Yeah, you rip it out. That's disgusting. It's like driving down the first highway ever

and it's just like, oh yeah, then you got to go through a brick wall with your car, and then you can keep on moving. It fucking sucks. Tear down the wall. Every man out there who has taken a woman's virginity, and the woman was happy about it, you're an American hero, and thank you. 40 virgins in heaven? Islam sounds awful.

I do not want any fucking virgin ever. Kev, you ever bang a virgin? Yeah, I did, man. A couple years ago. You sound traumatized. Yeah, no, there was this girl, and she was like, I think I was like 24 at the time. She was my same age, and apparently she had just never fucked, and she didn't tell me. That's disrespect.

Well, she shouldn't tell you. I don't know. I just said it. You shouldn't have fucking told me, because the lights were all on. We start, and blood is just everywhere. I had no idea. Actually, honestly, I mean, I've

rode the red train or whatever. That's fun. The sight of blood on my penis does not frighten me anymore. No. I'm talking about gushing, man. This is like the elevator doors opening. It was a, I'm talking about gushing. This was like the elevator doors opening. Medic! Medic!

That's not right. Yeah, I mean, at any point, if you have to go for the gauze while you're having sex, it's bad. It's just never going to work. Did you feel the pop? The crazy shit is, I felt that. Because we stopped.

She started freaking out, too. Really? Because we stopped. Was it bubbling? She started freaking out, too. You got to pop it yourself. She didn't expect the amount that was supposed to be coming out. Right. But I should have seen the signs, too, on the way. Because she was real awkward about something. We get to her house, and it's like 3 in the morning.

And her sister calls her, who's like 17, and she's crying on the phone. And I'm just like, I should just... She's like, no, just stay. I'm like, I should go. And she's talking to her sister. And I hear what her sister's saying. She's like 17, and she's like crying on the phone. And I'm just like, I should just, she's like, no, just stay. I'm like, I should go. And she's talking to her sister. And I hear what her sister's saying. She's like, yeah, you know, it's just like 17. I was out with this guy.

Sister's also a virgin. And this is a guy I've been seeing for a while. White girl. Guy I've been seeing for a while. And she like was out with the guy, and they both got blackout drunk. She's like, I'm pretty sure we had sex. I found a condom and a thing, but I can't remember if it happened. Oh, he had a micro.

He didn't even get to the gate. But this girl, the girl I was with just kept saying, oh no, it's cool. These things happen. I'm just like, these things don't. It just doesn't happen. But then we had sex immediately after that. It was disgusting. That's amazing, but she chose you, dude.

She chose me. Did you raw dogger? No, no, no, no, man. I'm a gentleman. What's wrong with you? Holden, what the fuck? Did you raw dogger? No, no, no, no, man. I'm a gentleman. What's wrong with you? Holden, what the fuck? Did you raw dogger? Did you raw dog your virgin, Marcus? I did not raw dog my virgin.

Did you raw dog your virgin? Yeah, I did. I did it! No! The Ed Larson raw dog divergent What about you Jackie Did you get raw dogged When you fucking shit fell out

Eddie I'll ask the questions around here How about you Jackie Did you get raw dogged When your shit fell out Gay man raw dog Yeah it was Yeah No no no

He was too flaccid since he was gay So it didn't really matter I can't believe your first boyfriend was gay because you're so feminine. And the second boyfriend and the third boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they say one of their favorite things they love about me is my butchness. Are you talking about yourself? No, I'm a feminine man.

And I've never taken a woman's virginity and I never will. Looks like we got a feud on the table right now. Yeah? Jackie versus Ben. Ben with a butch insult. This is the kind of thing that gets you not nominated for round table. I would probably say ever. If I ever get nominated for round table-er of the year.

Round table-er of the year. Round table-er of the year, I will know I have not done what I should have done that year. It is not an award anyone should want to achieve, and it's nothing that should be given to somebody who has any success. The thing that is about the round tabler of the year is who are these people? Where do they come from? You come from Florida. You're from Florida.

So today, for all of our nominees, we've brought in... Most of them are not here. Where do they come from? You come from Florida. You're from Florida. So today, for all of our nominees, we've brought in... Most of them are not here. We've brought in people to talk for them. Are you looking at the best pictures at the Oscars? Michael Che's doing SNL right now. Michael Che is literally on NBC in 50 minutes. You're not talking for us. I'm just saying.

Yeah. 50 minutes. You're not talking for us. I'm just saying. Yeah, but here to talk for Mr. Holden McNeely today is Mr. Jason Sines is here. They have a heated feud. And what's Sines saying about Holden?

I don't know. Holdenators, no! No! No! Fuck Holden. Hi! I'm going to sit right behind you, Holden. hi I'm gonna sit right behind you Holden Is that okay? Just look into that mane of hair Slicing that beef right now Big beef

Jason versus Holden The hottest feud to never catch fire this year Man, I wanna wrestle you so hard right now, Jason. You are wearing spandex at all times, Holden. Holden actually is a really sweet guy. He is actually a very, very sweet guy. Too bad his insides are filled with dead worms and filth. It's true, though.

All my ladies call me Papa Snuggles. Papa Snuggles. Papa Snuggles. By the way, this introduction is like one of Holden's segments on the show. Hastily thrown together.

See what I wrote down. Why do we like him, Jason? Do we like him? Yeah, that's the whole point. That's why i asked what he's gonna be fucking saying can you sing a song that lasts a million years ed no you can't there's no way jason will be able to get that across right now in this amount of time hold the mcneelys Sing it for a thousand years. Holden McNeely's a big bag of trash, yeah. Holden McNeely's a race of space.

Holden McNeely's got a rash on his ass. Holden McNeely looks like a thousand cockroaches in a human skin. Holden McNeely, where do I begin? Holden McNeely, why won't you die? A blind man used your neck to learn braille. That sounds like a Matchbox theme song. And over and over again it just said, I must die. I must die.

I must die. Holden's skin is a suicide assistant. I didn't realize Braille was supposed to be so slippery. Oh, weird. Well, either way, thank you, Jason. You technically spoke into a microphone. Thank you, Jason. Thank you, Jason.

I like your reindeer hat, Jason. Thank you, Jackie. I'm saying something positive. Thank you. Look at you. Yeah. I feel like I've been too negative for the past 180 seconds.

That's it? That's all. Absolutely. I'm King Fun. Everyone always enjoys hanging out with me. King Fun. King Fun. I agree. King Fun?

Kevin thinks I'm King Fun. I guess I gotta agree. Well Fun? Kevin thinks I'm King Fun. Yeah, he's King Fun, man. Yes, I gotta agree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, back to the man who tried to sell his virginity. He said, I don't understand it. I'm a good-looking guy with a good physique. I thought someone might offer me even more.

I'm healthy. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm not ugly either. I forgot to specify male or female on the ad, and I didn't even get any gay takers. That's gay. Oh, really? He says it doesn't do much for your self-esteem to be rejected by absolutely everyone in the world. You know, it's true.

See, that's what's crazy is, like, rich, powerful women aren't, that just shows how much they're not like rich, powerful men. Because, like, someone would be like, I'll give you a million dollars for that pussy. You know, they're like, Women are just like, no. Definitely not. Why would they? I mean, there is no myth around the male virginity, right?

Dudes are supposed to lose their virginity as soon as they get their first bone. I lied. I'm sure I've told this story before. I didn't say that I was a virgin, and then we copulated. Oh, God. Okay.

Why did you say you were a virgin? No, I said I didn't tell her I was a virgin until the next day, and then she got upset. Of course you got upset, that poor girl. I was like, why? She came over to smoke weed and watch the Bonnaroo DVD. Why do I feel like that? Dude, you are a fucking...

That is so gross. That is worse than Bill Cosby has ever done. The Bonnaroo DVD. Oh, yeah. We got stoned to watch the Bonnaroo DVD, and then she ripped my load off, bro. First of all, I think you have a dog, dude. You don't?

You fucking... I am holding it inator sitting behind me. It's a fucking drone sound. Where are my Holdenators at? First of all, I just did a panoramic little look around the room, and your Holdenators, Holden, are fucking ugly. They are not ugly. Don't go to that place.

They're ugly shitheads, Jackie. not ugly. Don't go to that list. They're ugly shitheads, Jackie. They might be dumb, and they're blind, and I don't think they can read. They don't look good. Kevin, look at them. I'm looking at them. They're not ugly. They're ugly shitheads. They used to, you know, have respect for me.

They used to look good. Yeah. But then they became fans of Holden. It's like I can't, even if I don't win tonight, I just want to go ahead and thank them, right? You can thank them if you want to. I want to thank my Naders. They've been fucking in my corner from day fucking two, brother.

I had to earn their respect on day one. Day zero, we were all dead. Day two wrapped around. They fucking came up on my whole bullshit. How many fans do you have on the fan page? We got about 300. Oh, cool. Signs Signs has about 350.

Signs Signs. Take the microphone away from me. I'm done with Signs Signs. Yeah, but Signs Signs is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. There's a bit of a beef, though. Ed told me the other night. He gave you the idea for signs. I told you to come in here with your signs.

I gave everything to Ed Larson, everybody. Vote for Ed Larson. You've got to give him credit on the page, Ed. He just did. No, I'm on his blog and whatever. Oh, no, I'll take that. Fight for more, man. Whatever pisses you off, Holden.

Whatever. I think Eddie was just saying your last name twice because he forgot that he said it the first time. Jason signs. Signs. He thinks I'm totally sober. When are you going to do kisses from Kissel? I'm never going to do kisses from Kissel.

I don't believe in kissing. Herpes is spread that way, and it is really hurting our youth. A lot of shit's fucked up, but everything's okay with our news stories. Well, yeah, everything's great. The news story is this guy, he said he took out the ad to pay off debts. He's running through unemployment and having to take care of his diabetic brother. He said, I've worked hard in the fields and in farms all my life. It's tough work, but it has given me a great body. I thought people would be keen

to try it out. Take care of his diabetic brother. Diabetes is not a thing that you can't take care of your fucking self. Also, he's been working on a farm, but he has a fucking soul patch. I'm sorry. If you work on a farm, you don't have a soul patch. Why not? Because they're disgusting.

And if you're going to be a hard worker, it's just going to get wheat in it. Oh, yeah. Because you're stealing from work. No, no. It's going to get stuck. Whatever attaches itself to your body, you can take home. You should have seen me at Arby's with all the roast beef on my arm. It's soul patch. You would have loved it.

Nothing gets a woman going like your diabetic brother. I don't think a diabetic brother needs to be taken care of. I don't know. It's Romania. Things work different there. Well, it's stupid. Romania is a hard place. Yeah, Romania is real hard.

Right next to Croatia. Yeah, Croatia is a fucking total garbage town. You know what's bigger than a city? Those fucking idiots. They made a whole big piece of land into a fucking garbage dump.

Croatia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to say out there, if you are in Croatia right now, I don't know if they have the internet. You know, maybe there's some kind of big drill you can get. Take it to the bottom of that island you fucking live on and just run the drill straight through the middle until it collapses, right?

Yeah. Okay. It's not an island, though. It's not an island. What is it? I'm pretty sure it's landlocked. I didn't even think it existed. It is the birthplace of Tony Kukoc, who was the greatest.

Kukoc. Tony Kukoc. who was the greatest Tony Kukoc. Let's just make all our last names fucking filthy and retarded. Kukoc? That's a normal name. Kukoc? Kukoc? What's filthy about it? You sound like a bird when you say it.

No. Okay. Tony Kukoc is from Croatia. Someone just sent a picture of a woman with a basketball in her pussy. That'll happen. And Jackie is horrified. It's inside of her pussy. It's like, I've had a fist up there, but a basketball?

Kevin, what do you think? And a basketball is so much bigger than a fist. And a fist hurts. Kevin, what do you think about the girl with the bat? There's just no reason. The worst part about it is probably just her body. I love Marie. Oh, no.

I don't think it's that bad. It is shoved in there. At least tell me it's one of the smaller ones that you. No, that's a full. That's a whole. I feel like you're not going to look at it. I mean, it could have been a lady's size, but. That's a full basket. I mean, it could have been a lady's size, but... That's a personal foul.

To do that, I feel like you probably have to put both hands in and, like, massage out the vagina, right, to make it bigger. You can't just start with the basketball. Yeah, it's like a baby's going in. Softball, baseball. Oh, she's a big girl. We don't have to keep looking at her, Marcus. We can move on.

I'm looking at her for signs of Photoshop, and I think it might be. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I think so. Is she a virgin? What's that? Is she a virgin? No, not with those pantyhose on. All right.

Let's not victim blame when a basketball rapes a woman. Man, it's like that. Have you guys ever watched pantyhose porn? You ever get into pantyhose porn? Pantyhose porn? Yeah, I think pantyhose porn is a little weird. I like pantyhose. They're sexy.

I guess unless you cut a hole in the pantyhose. Have you ever seen where they don't cut the hole in the pantyhose? They force through it. I feel like that's got to hurt your dick. Yeah, that's a no-go for me. That's a guy who likes to take a woman's virginity. Yeah, I guess that's true. He likes to force his dick through things.

It sounds like a terrible fetish and no one should do it. I usually watch porno where the women just get dressed. You used to watch porno very extensively, Ben, and I feel like you've tapered off. I never watched it extensively. You loved it. You were all over it, dude, for a while. What are you talking about? Absolutely.

I had all you did, man. No. That's how we identified you. Yeah, remember the daddy-daughter porn? No, I never watched daddy-daughter porn. You got caught with that. What? No, no, no, no.

No, I never watched that much porno. I just like to watch a bunch of women have sex with each other eight hours a day. Is that smart? No. No, that's fine. No, obviously. It's like a painting, you know, but it's, you know, horrifying. It's like a Van Gogh.

I know it. No, that basketball stuff is fine. Like a Van Wendt. Yeah, Van Gogh all over her fucking face. You got it. Oh, don't do that. Hell yeah. Has anyone done that, Chuck?

Always do that. I guess they've been doing that for years. Probably. Yeah. And go all over her face. And then you're talking about cumming on a woman's face. Yes, that is what I'm referring to.

Or a pearl necklace. That is awesome. Pearl necklace, I think, is weird. It's like cum in a belly button, cum underneath her breasts, but don't cum right on her neck. Well, you know, I don't have a lot of cum. I give the pearl toe ring.

And I just serve it right around the tiny one. Just a tiny dot of cum. It's great. If you had some Elmer's glue, it would stick a small picture to the wall. Or a rhinestone. Yeah. Thank God toe rings aren't around anymore, though. Right, guys? To a small picture to the wall. Or a rhinestone. Yeah. Thank God toe rings aren't around anymore, though. Right, guys?

Toe rings are big. I don't like toe rings. I saw a woman with toe rings last summer. What happened to her? Huh? What happened to her? Dead. I don't know.

All I know is I got a bunch of toes, and one of them has a ring on it. Pearl necklace probably happens to a guy trying to hit her in the face, and she dodges it. I guess, yeah. And she gets all over her neck. I feel like we get stuck in the creases. No, they love to do guy trying to hit her in the face and she dodges it. I guess, yeah. I feel like we get stuck in the creases. Guys go for those things. Some dudes play the sex game like that. They really try to get the dirty Sanchezes in there.

They try to do the old, give her the old. I think that should have always been called the chaplain. The dirty Sanchez. Give her the old Charlie. And it is sort of the opposite, though, because it's not a silent film. She yells and screams a bunch. Sometimes it's silent, and then it's sad.

Yeah, well, theoretically, you're rubbing her shit on her face. She could use her penis as a cane. Do you lean on it? Charlie Chaplin. Nope. You sound like John Lennon. Oh, that shot me fucking head.

That's what John Lennon sounds like. You sign your autograph and then you shoot me in my fucking brain. Last words. All right. I love that we have John Lennon here. I think it's about time to hear about one of our other roundtablers of the year. I'm getting nervous. Ms. Amber Nelson has just entered the room.

Hello. Round of applause. Three-time nominee, but the microphone does not go to Ms. Amber Nelson just yet. It goes to Mookie Thompson, who is speaking on her behalf. It's Mookie, baby. Everyone gets a speech from a guest speaker. Oh, my God.

I can't believe I'm here right now, man. Mookie, man. You look a thing. You slimmed down. Thank you. Thank god. You were disgusting. Yo, do not.

I had a horrible fat monster two weeks ago. So fat. Mookie is fat. Unbelievable. How'd you lose 60 pounds in two weeks? I don't know, man. I've been on the Ed Larson diet. It's where I look at a picture of you and I

vomit uncontrollably. Ah! Yeah! That's Mookie, baby! Mookie! He is back! He is back! Finally!

I don't know what I'm doing here, man. Oh, man. I told you to know what you're doing! Hold on one second, Mookie. Kevin, man. She is. I told you to know what you're doing. She is bad right now. Hold on one second, Mookie. Kevin, do you remember when we were doing Mookie's show two weeks ago and Mookie came on to headline his own show because I don't know how he got booked on it.

But I don't know how he got the headliner spell, but he grabbed the microphone and said, finally, Mookie has come back to Brooklyn. And no one did anything. No one gave a fuck. It was utter silence, man. Not one person responded. He leaned back and everything.

Mookie is back in Brooklyn! Absolute silence. No one knew he left and they weren't happy that he was there. Oh, it was the best. I survived, man. Shit don't faze me.

It was the last show that y'all were ever going to do there. It was your going away celebration. The last show y'all would ever do, and no one gave a fuck. Nobody cared. I mean, it was phenomenal. It was a fun show. The rest of the show was great. We had a good time.

I'm sorry, man. I ran the fuck out of there. It's your fault. Anyway, Mookie, you're speaking on behalf of Amber Nelson. Oh, I am. You've got to do my impression of me. I don't think I can do that. Why not?

Amber requested an impression of Amber Nelson. It's just like her. Mookie is not bad. It's not what I do. I don't do impressions of people except for The Rock, man. Do Bill Clinton. Do Bill Clinton It was good, I thought it was pretty strong. You are Freddie Mercury getting AIDS. Freddie Mercury getting AIDS. All right, hold on.

Hold on. Ready? Fuck, I got AIDS. Yeah! He lets you know it's Freddie Mercury and then what happens. Anyone else? All right, Mookie. Amber Nelson defender.

Oh, man, I am destroying right now. You're crushing it. Finally, Mookie. Amber Nelson defender. I am destroying right now. You're crushing it. Finally, Mookie has come back to the round table. You guys are giving away awards for biggest piece of shit in the room? Damn. What can I say about Amber Nelson? What can I really say? She's the belle of the south.

We all know that. And she's got a bigger cock than all of you put together, except for Jackie, but that's why Jackie wasn't nominated. I think mine reigns supreme. I put some sour cream on it, I got supreme. That voice you just heard was Jackie Zebrowski, who was not nominated this year for the round. You go fuck yourself, Holden McGillis.

Holdenators, no. Holdenators, no thank you. No thank you. Hold the knees if you please. Oh my God, he did it. I have to say that we have Sam Wertz over in the corner. She's willing to get Jackanese tattooed on her breasts. Thank you very much.

So we're doing it after the show today. We've got a needle. We're getting some indie ink. We are tattooing her breasts. Make sure you light the needle on fire before you start. Oh yeah, don't worry. I know how to purify a needle. I'm sure you do, Jackie.

Alright, Mookie. Am I still talking? Yeah, you're still talking. You know what I wanted to say? I wanted to say that Amber Nelson is like Britney Spears meets Don Rickles. And her comedy is kind of like a vagina made

out of sandpaper. Finally, Mookie has come back. What else? I think she's got a body that makes Ed Larson look like Miley Cyrus. Oh, that's actually cute. I think that was mean. Oh, that's actually cute. That was nice.

I think that was mean. No, that's nice. Everyone loves Miley. I love Miley Cyrus. She's doing a great job. He's trying so hard to be mean to a woman, but Mookie can't be mean to a woman. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Keep it going for Mookie. Keep it going for me. I kind of want to keep it going for Jason talking for me and all my holdnators. Fuck you all. Where my fucking naders at? And I hate it. I hope all y'all are aware that y'all have no futures. I mean literally zero future and very little prospects of finding true love.

Nothing positive will happen to any of us. You know what? All you got to do is get out there, self-promote, throw your name out there, pull a spin on it, and fame by once. I'm going to start teaching classes on becoming famous. If you want to talk with me once a week, I'll sit down with you one-on-one for an hour. $1,000 a class. And you will get a fan base of 300 people if you take my class.

Or your money may be back if you can find me. And look at Oden, man. He is skyrocketing. He still has that insurance job. He goes there every fucking Monday through Friday, baby. 300 fans. Oden, he's doing fans. He's doing great. He's got no money and his clothes are full of sweat.

Technically, it's 291. 291. We need nine more. We need nine more. Tonight. Make it happen. Go to Facebook. Find the page.

I don't know where it is. I think I need to leave the group because I think I was added not giving my permission. That's the thing with these fucking cocksuckers. That also happened to me too. I need to get out of the group. I got out of it. I gotta figure out. You gotta show me how to get out of it. Make it 290, baby. I love that you get to see the memes every day on your face.

The only reason why you even have 291 followers is because the light of Luger led them there, man. I was forced into that group. I don't want to be there. Bird Luger about to fly away. It's all about cross promotion, friends.

Bird Luger reigns and everybody loves him because he's an animal lover. And people enjoy animals as well. I'll tell you what, man. What is happening? It's just so downtrodden. No, no, no. I'm being upbeat. Ben, what are man. What is happening? It's just so downtrodden. No, no, no. I'm being upbeat. Ben, what are your top three sadnesses right now?

Top three sadnesses? Yeah. I don't like the hoes. Okay. Those are making me feel like... Like as in women or as in holdenators? I love women and I don't refer to them as hoes. Oh, okay.

You might want to look at yourself, Jackie. Like bitches with a Z. I am a bitches with a Z. Thank you very much. Bitches? Yeah. More than one bitch. No, I don't have any women and a women, woman, gal.

I don't want them. I'm happy. But that is the sadness. Is that the sadness? Is that number two? Is that the sadness? First one's the hoes. Second one's no lady in your life.

No, I don't mind that right now. I'm having a good time. I'm freelancing. Is the third one your haircut? What's that? Is the third one your butch haircut? I paid a woman $60 to cut my hair like this. $60?

Really? $60? Jesus Christ. That is too much money. It comes up in the back. It comes up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does this weird back wave.

It's a whole narrative. You have Jackie's haircut. Yeah, I'll do it for $40. No, mine's a lot shorter, but I'll do it for $40. Mine's a lot shorter. I'll do it for $40. It starts like, I'm from Wisconsin. The back says, I'm on the rise. The third sadness would be the haircut. I have no sadness.

I'm really feeling good about it. If you ever end up like In trouble with the law Never testify I am like gonna be my own lawyer And I will be my own best Fucking client dude I will go back and forth

Where were you the night of the evening Where everyone stole all the pizza And I'll be like I fucking ate some pizza And they'll be like mistrial Trial, he's crazy. Dude's confessing to crimes. Ben, why are you holding that microphone? I don't know. I have to give it to somebody.

Give it to Amber. She's nominated. Amber Nelson. Oh, thank you, Ben Kissel. You're begrudgingly handing me this microphone. No, I'm not. It's stuck on something. Your foot's on it.

Hey. You're lighting it on fire right now. All right, stop. You got a big pair of scissors and you're on it. Hey. You're lighting it on fire right now. All right, stop. You got a big pair of scissors and are cutting it. I don't know. Hello. How are you doing, Amber? How was the show upstairs?

It was a lot of fun. Did you have any horrible times recently? Talk about the round tabler of the year. Are you nominated, Amber? Yeah, how does it make you feel? Are you your third nomination? Do you think that this may be your year?, how does it make you feel? Are you your third nomination? Do you think that this may be your year?

Oh, it's my third nomination? It's your third nomination? She doesn't even know how many times you've nominated. Nobody gives a fuck. I love you, Amber. Jackie is very upset

that you were nominated and she's not. I have never been fucking nominated. I've been doing this show for how many fucking years? Almost five. Too many.

Too many fucking years. This is the fourth annual round table of the year awards. So yeah, almost five years. This is the fourth annual Roundtable of the Year Awards. So yeah, almost five years. Time has really slowed down since we started doing this. I feel every day of those five years. I feel my arteries clogging every minute that goes by. We should just make Jackie the winner.

No, it's not how it works. Unfortunately, there's this whole democratic voting system where people go online know, they go online and they send me emails and phone calls and I have a couple secretaries and they handle all the voting. Yeah, Jackie, I think your fan base is kind of like what happened in Boca Raton

with the elections. With the Jews? You mean they're multiplying? That's where I'm from. I gotta go. I gotta go piss. All right. Boca Raton.

All right, Marcus, let's do another news story. Yeah, a woman on vacation in Spain fell to her death after being proposed to by her boyfriend on a clifftop. Sounds great. Dimitrina Dimitrova was jumping for joy after her boyfriend popped the question on a cliff overlooking the Cala Torita Resort and fell to her death.

Do you think part of him was like, thank God. He loves her, dude. That's the peak of love when you propose. I feel bad for this dude, man. He's never going to find love again. Did she die with a ring on? That's like $12,000.

Oh, you got to get the ring back. Well, they did recover. She was alive but unconscious when emergency services found her. So we got the ring. He got the ring. Gotta get that ring back. But she later died of a heart attack due to her injuries. Well, she had a bad body there.

Bad system. I bet you said heart attack like she woke up from being unconscious. And he's like, will you marry me? And she's like, bye! And then got heart attack like she woke up from being unconscious and he's like, will you marry me? And she's like, bye! And then got heart attack. I guess you don't want to surprise people on a cliff.

No, man. You just don't date clumsy bitches, man. That was his first don't call her clumsy. He realized that. That's a lesson learned. You can't do a lot

on a cliff. Proposing, surprise party, very limited activity on a cliff Proposing, surprise party Very limited activity on a cliff All cliffs should have fences Well, that's why that wouldn't make it a cliff anymore I guess so You know, yeah, I think you know

You have to have the risk of possibly falling off of it Otherwise, what the fuck is the point of being on it? If I was president, fences for every cliff No, dude What the fuck are the goats supposed to do? Who are you talking about? They can't climb over fences Fences for every cliff No dude What the fuck are the goats supposed to do Mountain goats They can't climb over fences They can climb up a goddamn mountain

But the fence is foreign to them It's man made The fence is the Mexican Of the goat world We'll put up a bunch of rocks Leave them foreign I don't know What sounds worse to you Rock climbing or spelunking Spelunking as a word Is worse Oh, leave them. Foreign, I don't know. What sounds worse to you?

Rock climbing or spelunking? Spelunking as a word is worse. But, uh... Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, spelunking just sounds like you jizzing in water. Really heavy jizz. Oh, man, I was hanging out with this chick and I totally, in the pool, I fucking totally splunked.

Perfect. That's exactly... So embarrassing. Right. That is how I'm going to teach my child to use that word. Somebody else is like, no, it's cave diving. No, son.

It's when you come inside of a woman. No, it's when you come inside of a woman. No, it's when you come inside of a pool. Which is the best place to come because chlorine and whatnot kills all of it. You ever get goes in a pool? I've never got gone in a pool. I've never get goes in a pool. I've pissed in a pool

every now and again. Oh, we all have. Pissed in a pool, it's like a dump in the ocean. I'll stand outside a pool, it's like a dump in the ocean. Yeah, man. I'll stand outside a pool and piss in it. It ain't bad, Eddie. It's okay. You gotta do it. A lot of municipal pools won't take so kindly to it.

I took a dump in a lake once and it came back. up in a lake once and it came back. Well then, Amber, you definitely gotta keep it. You shit in a shit in a river and it comes back. You're actually with child. You have a baby poop. Oh, man.

Feed it well. My God, this woman fell 65 feet off of the cliff. That'll kill you? Yeah, absolutely. You could die off of three. Gary Coleman slipped on a loose leaf paper. Gary Coleman, Ed. A Gary Coleman short joke.

Yeah. What year? We actually... Your brain just go... I actually said that joke on the third episode ever. I stole it from myself just now. A little bit of rock. Table of history from third... First time nominee.

What'd you talk about, Kitzel? Fourth time nominee. Fourth time nominee, Ed Larson. Gary Coleman slipped on a what? Loose leaf paper. On a loose leaf paper. And you thought that was a funny joke? Kevin, you like it?

It's funny. Damn! Well, that's okay. I'm on board, too. We gotta fucking bury that dude, man. We fucking bury Gary Coleman any chance we get. That's why he's already buried, but we're gonna do it again. I'll dig him up just to bury his ass.

Exactly. Okay, I guess I stand corrected. Great joke, Ed. I'll dig him up just to bury his ass. Exactly. Okay, I guess I stand corrected. Great joke, Ed. I'm sorry. Gary Coleman slipped off. I wish Kevin was the judge of all jokes. You just like was the god of all jokes. But like, what makes you say

I'm not? You never know. Oh no, he fell down stairs and died. Gary Coleman did. Yes. Oh, he didn He fell down stairs and died. Gary Coleman did. Yes. Oh, he didn't fall off a loose piece of paper. No, but he fell down Barbie steps. Barbie Jr.

He was a smaller person than average, so you assume he would fall off a smaller thing. Yeah. I love humor. Oh, man. thing. Yeah. I love humor. Ben Kissel lives above the clouds on the jelly green giant fucking stem.

Giving people beans? He's tall. He's taller than your average man. But I like those jokes because they're about me. That is humor. This is not the first death at these cliffs. Not even the first death this year last August a Polish couple

fell to their deaths while taking a selfie and their children witnessed the entire incident lucky as kids if your parents it's not a selfie if there's two people in it yes it is luckiest

fucking Polish kids ever. Go home. Protect your fucking house from the wet bandits. Yeah, kids just say nothing. Go home. You meet a weird old guy in the park. And fucking, yeah, protect the house against the wet bandits. Later to be called these sticky bandits.

I am so happy these parents died in front of their kids. Man, that's awesome. I bet you get to go to college for free if you watch your parents die, right? Oh, definitely. In Poland you do. Yeah, for sure. Well, they can't get into college, but that's fine. That's their college. Yeah, you know.

Yeah, the Polish people aren't necessarily the most intelligent people in the world, and oftentimes... Now they screen the submarine. I was trying to think there's one about spray on deodorant that my father loves, but I can't. So when my dad used to always say, what did Jesus say to the Polacks when he was on the cross? Play it dumb until I get back. Yeah!

That's great. Wow. You know what I love so much about that? He married your mom. I can't believe it. A man that smart got with a woman that smart. That was really nice,

Kyle. That was nice. That was the most nice horse thing I've ever heard you say. You're being way nice today. I'm feeling nice. Nothing. What's wrong? I didn've ever heard you say. You're being way nice today. I'm feeling nice. Nothing. Yeah, what's wrong? You're being way too nice. I didn't go to the doctor.

I don't have blood clots. One's not near my heart. Yeah. It is possible I die within three weeks. Wow. Really? Yeah. Man, that's kind of fun, though. What are you going to do?

I don't know. I'm waiting for the gun license to come through, and as soon as I can afford it... Going to get a gun? I'm going to shoot myself in the foot. That's awesome! Literally cannot afford to kill yourself. Not yet. But if I keep on

pinching my pennies I'm gonna get the license here in New York City which I believe is a couple grand. And then I will buy a gun I will put a couple grand. And then I will buy a gun. I will put a bullet in that gun. And I will pull the trigger. I'd put three or four in it. You never know.

You're big. You're really big. And I'll pull the trigger multiple times with the barrel of the gun near my head. Can I interrupt you for a second? I just want to say, hey! Hey! Why is it getting larger?

All the men are out there. It's just getting good there. It's getting drunk. I think that it might be time that we hear about another one of our nominees. I would love to hear about it. I am sick of this. This next nominee, he's been great on the show for years. We love having him on.

His name is Ed Larson. Oh, no. We're not doing this. His name is Ed Larson. Oh, no. We're not doing this. I don't like this. I don't like it one bit. Speaking on Ed Larson's behalf is Mike the Roommate. Oh, okay. Mike the Roommate.

One of the main suspects in the mystery pooper. And we still don't know if he did not do it. He may or may not have done that. May or may not have. One of the main suspects. No, I'm just sitting here talking, thinking about Ben dying because I got rent to pay next week.

Very good improv. I don't know. I mean, what do you say about Ed? There's a lot. I mean, he's large. Yeah, man. Kind of smells like a hot dog,

which is great for New York City. A lot of people love that. And I also understand why you asked me to come up and talk for you while the other ones have actual stand-up comedians doing it. You're the funniest one so far. That's good.

Big diss by Ben Kissel. That's a big, big rib. And that's on Jason Saenz and Mookie were the two people who talked before. Big rib, and that's on Jason Sines and Mookie were the two people who talked before. But moving on, you know, you got to respect Ed trying to get out of the shadow of his cousin, Jeff Ross. Got to burn. You know, it's never a bad thing with Ed because he's always trying to find the brighter side of things, which is why he started that bullshit podcast.

Amber's right here, a fellow nominee, and she's great on it. Shots fired. You know, there are times on his podcast where I'm listening and, you know, Ed's laugh is contagious. It gets everybody going, but it'd be better if you could actually hear what everybody else was

saying as you were laughing. Real rib. Real rib. That's an actual rib. Real rib. I like that, Mike. Real tight rib. That's some genuine change of life shit. I know.

I try to laugh outside the mic. It is something you actually work some. I do. I try. Yeah, Mike. You fucking put him in the grave. I thought the joke would have been like contagious, like everyone gets sick when I laugh. I know.

I thought he was going like, it's contagious, so you'll probably get AIDS. Yeah, that's. I thought he was going like, it's contagious so you'll probably get AIDS. Yeah, that's what I thought he was going to put. It was just a real life straight up wisdom. Like a note and I appreciate that. That's a note from a regular listener and I will take it and I will think

about it and I will adjust the way I speak. I love your laugh. It's great. Ben comes home and asks me all the time, what did you think of this show and that show? I threw in my two-bit there. On a serious note, fuck the hoes and I'm a

larcener. Oh, shit. A larcenist is their call. A larcenist. They're calling me not. He's calling A larcenist. They're calling. Probably not. He's calling them larceners. Good job, Mike. Look at that.

A guy who doesn't usually talk into a microphone spoke into one. Are you talking about yourself right now? What? Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jagger. Big ribs. Jagger's got a bag of those.

I got big ribs. She's got big ribs. I think you just finished my story. The barrel of the gun. Are we at a fucking barbecue right now? I'm pretty sure you just ate some ribs. I got them and I'm giving them. I got sweet and I got spicy.

Actually, someone on the chat. We got a live chat. We're live streaming this whole thing right now. On the live chat, Zach Hein said, to everyone who hates Ben, I hope he comes to your house, and while you're sleeping, he cuddles you and caresses your face and tells you stories until you die. You'll be very easy. Thank you, Zach.

Very nice statement. I don't need the love, but I appreciate it coming from you, Zach. I want to take a quick minute, too, just because I know it was a crazy week with the blizzard. All my hoes in the snow. Give a little ho to you. All my hoes in the snow. All right.

Nice to know everything is back to normal. All Holden's hoes in the snow. Mike, look at Ed laughing outside of the mic right now I'm trying man Look at how subconscious he is Oh I got some for you Ed I got some monkey news Oh thank god

Monkey news More bananas for our monkeys A Montana woman got caught up in some monkey business last week. Oh god damn it. She fucking did. Sounds adorable. She told police on Sunday that she sent a $140 money gram

to Florida in exchange for a live monkey after seeing the animal for sale online. The sellers told her that the monkey would arrive on a plane but when the plane arrived, curious George was nowhere to be found. The woman contacted the sellers, who demanded another $400 for the monkey. The woman, apparently driven bananas,

I don't like it. decided that she'd had enough and called police. Oh, man. Did they say they bought her a ticket? What's that? Did she think it was going to have a seat? I think so. All right, so a monkey got a flight.

What was the airline? What kind of monkey? I mean, it doesn't... This is pretty much a police blotter, so there's not a whole lot of information. Let me see if I can find some further expansion on the monkey story. $140 for a monkey? Who's not

going to buy it? How can you say no at those prices? That's how you know it's a goddamn scam. You should know. It's worth it to try. For a flight and a monkey, $140? I'm not even factoring the flight. You can't even get a monkey hand for $140. You've got to factor the flight.

That's a good point. And those are actually the unlucky parts of the monkey. People want the foot. I have no further information on the monkey story. That's all I have. I think you want to take Virgin Airlines. If you're a monkey, you want to go Virgin Airlines. Oh, it's the best.

Such a good time. You ever flown it? It's your new favorite airline. You have got to fly Virgin. They play, like like dance music when you walk on the plane and shit. Dude, it is so fucking... You order from your seat, so then you don't have the waitress being like, you're an alcoholic.

And you're like, fucking, because the computer doesn't judge. And it's not getting in the way of the nanny because I fucking love the nanny because I love Fran Drescher and her voice makes me fucking rock hard the way of the nanny because I fucking love the nanny because I love Fran Drescher and her voice makes me fucking rock hard. I love the nanny. Love the nanny. Flatchy girl from flatching.

Yeah. And then she went with a British fella who was too gay to fuck her and the whole goddamn show went downhill from there. Never fucked her. He fucked her eventually. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. Never fucked her. He fucked her eventually. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. They got together. Yes.

He was a well-known... You didn't watch The Nanny. You are lying right now. They got together for seasons. Thank you, ladies. The Nanny. And you know what I'm going to say to you, Jackie? You know what I'm going to say to you? Jackie? You know what I'm going to say to you?

Elton John was also married. Okay. He was a man. No, he was married to a woman. Yeah, that's what... Someone saved my life tonight. That's what Rocket Man's all about. No, it's someone saved my life tonight.

Because he met... Rocket Man's about... Someone saved my life tonight. It's not about space travel, bro. Rocket Man is about him being like, yo, I'm not. Someone saved my life tonight. And it's when he met a man and realized the woman that he was married to, he didn't want to be married to a woman.

He wanted to be married to a man. That's not what that shit is. That is what that shit is about. You're referring to his song, Me, My, May, I'm So Fucking Gay. Gay? Which came out on Tumbleweed Connections. That's exactly what you're talking about. That was on Tumbleweed Connections. That's exactly what you're talking about. That was on

Tumbleweed Connections secret song. Rocket Man was clearly about his struggle to write the Tarzan soundtrack. Candle in the Wind is when you fuck a guy with a candle

and he farts and put it out. Princess Di is shaking in her grave right now. What a dickhead, Eddie. How do you nominate yourself every year with jokes like that? It's not me. It's the fans. I got no control.head, Eddie. How do you nominate yourself every year with jokes like that?

It's not me. It's the fans. I got no control. I love Eddie. Candle in the wind. Hey, I didn't even hear what Ed just said, but I think he was right. Eddie was talking about Elton John's homosexuality and going into his songwriting process. And he said, Eddie said Elton John came up with the idea for Candle in the Wind.

Don't say the fucking joke again. You're ruining it. My joke is great. I'm already taking solace in the fact that he was correct. And then Elton John put a candle in his butthole. The guy farted to put it out. I'm done. Candle in the Wind.

Still funny. We got people doing shots in here. This is our show. Don't call it shots. Where my fucking naders at? Where my fucking naders at? Don't give hold in this. I don't know why. I'm fucking Hulk Hogan.

This is the happiest. God damn it. What's the name of the idiot from Eastbound and down? The moron of that one? The more of the... Man, my naders keep growing. In two years, I'll be drowning in pussy. Drowning in it.

All right. I want to eat it and breathe it, brother. Fucking brie cheese pussy for me, brother. I want to eat it and breathe it brother Fucking Bree cheese pussy For me brother Alright I feel like do we have any other round We have two more

So let's hop to it Here speaking on behalf In the light of a Man small in stature And mighty in gusto, Mr. Andrew Short, Frank Zemel is speaking for him. Please. Andrew's not even here.

Oh, Andrew's not here? Andrew's not here. Oh, interesting. I just got back from throwing hot dogs at strippers in a diaper in Philly, and I'm here to talk about Andrew Short. Frank's the one who got Ben arrested. Yeah. Ben's the one who got Ben arrested

when he didn't pay an open intoxication violation from 2010. But no, Frank, you were the major motivation for me getting arrested. I helped you through return styling. I don't begrudge you for it whatsoever, and I apologize

for wishing you dead so much. Good memories. Great memories. Go on. More will... More to come. I'll never Are you asking him out on a date?

He will say it This is how I never have It's tall and small I'm not a man of love Ben Kissel Will you marry me over this cliff? Do it No one else is asking

I'll do it Do it Do it I already did it Do it Do it Do it No one else is Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it

Alright we're now married Officially In the Creek and the Cape So Andrew Short He hails from Hamburg, Ohio Oh nice He's been representing

Short people like us For over 50 years In a long lineage of shorts. His favorite movie is Throw Mama from the Train and his favorite sport is water polo. I love Throw Mama from the Train. Me too. It's a great movie.

It's the best movie of all time. God bless Andrew Short. Where is Andrew Short? Not fucking here. I didn't even tell him it was happening. All right. You fucker. All right.

Thank you, Frank. Thank you, Frank. And also, we might as well get it over with. Speaking on behalf of Michael Che, Kevin Barnett. I was trying to tell you before, but then we started the show. Kevin Barnett, you black fuck. Oh, no.

I never thought that would make me so happy. I'm so fucking happy. I'm so happy. Oh, it's beautiful. Holy crap. I'm going to go to church happy tomorrow. I don't got nothing to ask God for. Oh, my. Oh, man.

Shit. I was supposed to talk to Che. You know, hey, man. You know, Che is, you know, that's that. He's the guy out there, man. He's doing all that stuff. Three-time Ryan Ted with Air Champion. Everyone's real proud of him.

Three-time champ. I am going to say that the highlight of my year, I've never been nominated, but last year when Michael Che won for the umpteenth time, he did say that he loved my breasts and that he would date me at any time. So I think that I may have won overall. Hey, Jackie, you said the same shit to me. Can I say you both fuck again? I love you both.

You got too much money. Wow. Are you telling me a guy who will cheat on you over and over and over again said that he would date you? He does have money. He does have money. Kevin has money. And so does some other people. Tell you what, Che got money.

But he don't got a Twitter though. It's gone. And it's over for that. He has nothing. Oh, yeah. Very interesting situation. Money don't buy you happiness, man. Put it as.

I forgot about that. The Roundtable of Gentlemen Awards are very serious, and obviously we talk about them all year long. When is it going to be named? When do we find out? Hold it. Relax. It's almost here.

It's almost here. It's like you come to the party. You're there. You're pretending to have fun. You're pretending to have a good time. But you know what? There's going to be a winner. There's going to be a bunch of fucking losers.

Goddamn, man. I'm not going to pretend at the after party that I'm having a good time. I'm going to go home. I'm going to fucking do what Steve Carell does. I'm going to go through the drive-thru at McDonald's and go home and eat my burger. So can I eat my burger now? Goddamn, man. You know, I've lost three times and it's really

hard. It's a hard thing to go through. I'm expecting nothing but the best tonight. I'm fucking drowning in fans, Ed. Where my fucking haters at? Where my fucking haters at? I'm fucking

drowning in them. If I don't win this award show tonight, I'm the lady in the pink dress in the corner of the room. Can't we just end it now? Can we find out right now? I mean, I will see. What time we at, Marcus? I mean, we got to do more news, right?

Yeah, we got to do a little bit more news. We have to do more news. Yeah, we got to do more news. People, you know, I mean, it's the end of the show. I love the anticipation. It's not the end of the show quite yet. I can't wait to find out who it is as well. Have we gone through all the candidates? Yes, we have.

Okay, so who's up, Marcus? Can you give us a refresher just very quickly? Who's up? We got Amber Nelson. Okay. We got Amber Nelson. I mean, this isn't the official I know, I know. I just felt like clapping. I'm so excited. I mean, this isn't the official. I know, I know. I just felt like clapping.

I was so excited. Yeah, I know. We got Andrew Short. Okay. All right. We got Holden McNeely. We got Amber Nelson. And we've got Michael Che.

Michael Che. Michael Che. And we've also got Ed Larson. Yeah! All right! All right! Yeah, let's beefed up that applause! And Jackie's name didn't, like, magically appear on the list. No, it didn't.

Like, a wizard didn't put the name on the list. It didn't, like, pop into my head at all. All right, cool. All right. All right, so that's where we're at with the round tabler of the year awards, but let's do another news story. It'll be okay.

One more news story. A female driver who was not wearing pants or underwear was sitting atop an empty bottle of black velvet whiskey when police approached her following a recent traffic accident. Pennsylvania cops allege that Justine King, 33,

struck another vehicle around 11 p.m. while driving near her home in Pittsburgh. Police found King in the driver's seat of her 2003 Chevy Malibu. Hot car! With the airbags deployed, the vehicle was sitting in the middle of an intersection. When told that she had hit another car, King replied, no, I did not. I feel like she should get off then. The officer asked her a question

and she came back with a response. It's one thing my father always told me. Deny everything. Always. Like the way he denies you as a son. Okay, some backstory. Backstory on that was Ed's father chose a different family. I'm going to throw a request out to one of our fans to bring us some more beers please

alright any more beers in the house would be great and also a catheter for me I'm about to piss my ass so the whiskey bottle was up inside of her vagina see that's what I wondered but it does not specify all it says was she was sitting naked on top

of an open empty bottle of black velvet it must be up inside of her so does she have a straw? Like, I feel like is there some kind of muscle? She just got done doing a handstand. Yay! No, I feel like you could train your pussy to suck whiskey up through a straw.

Amber? Amber says yes. You can train your pussy to suck whiskey up through a straw? Yeah. So you breathe in real deep? You just like crunch. You fucking crunch it. Whenever you put something up inside your vagina,

instead of flexing, you crunch. Think crunch, and then that's how you satisfy someone. It's like a reverse queef. Yeah, you crunch. I'm crunching right now. And I feel like if I was doing this, I had a whiskey bottle inside me. But you have to defy gravity to get the fucking liquid up there.

Could you actually do it? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. That's science, man. All right. Well, while peering into the vehicle, a cop observed that King was not wearing any pants or underpants. The garments the officer added.

What an observation, by the way. This officer was just like, I did some detective work, and I found out she was not wearing any panties or pants. How'd you figure that out, monk? You fucking idiot. I looked down at her legs and noticed they were nude. Excuse me, ma'am, is that your pussy? Well, who do you think is driving this car you fucking dumb pig drive with your pussy and drive with your dick well when directed to put on her clothes and exit the chevy malibu

king said i don't have any pants i left my home without them and then after ignoring several demands to get out of the car she was pulled from the vehicle handcuffed and placed into a police cruiser she was quote extremely belligerent, kicking, pull away, and struggling. Asked to identify herself, King responded, the government got my name. You ain't getting it. Ask the government. I love her. I love her

too. Leave her the fuck alone. I believe in that statement. Pussy lips were up. You believe in that statement? The government got my name? Ask the government? Welty! Thank you! Chris Welty brought us some more beer. Thank you, Chris. Chris Welty, a great stand-up comedian based out

of New York City. Check out his shows whenever you're nearby. He brought us some Tecate's. Everyone appreciates what he's done. W-A-E-L-T-I. Difficult name to spell. Um, okay. So the cops treated this like this was going to be-T-I. Difficult name to spell. Um, okay. So the cops treated this like this was going to be another 9-11. They cuffed her handcuffed.

Dragged her like ass scraping the ground. Yeah. Leave her alone. And then she kicked out the cruiser's back window while also continuously banging her head off the inside of the window panel. So there was a boyfriend because she was going to see her boyfriend. Well, that's what she said. She said, I did not get into a wreck. I live around the corner and was just picking up

my boyfriend. And so it's actually in his... Now you're giving all the beer away and I got none of it. He brought a 12 pack. We got 10 minutes left. I thought it would be nice for anyone who needed a beer to get a beer. Thank you. I literally... Welty brought for anyone who needed a beer to get a beer. Thank you. Oh, my God.

I literally brought beer, and then Holden gave it all away. Jackie made the motion, send the beer around. Right. So I started sending it around. Well, that was a big mistake. Hold on. Give it back. Give it back. Give him back. Give him back.

I'm taking all the beer back from all the like fucking, they don't get any beers. I'm like fucking fish right now, man. People are fucking traveling around with me and shit. Where's he going to be? What sets he going to do tonight? Is he in Atlanta? I bet he's going to close the as fucking space oddity. Everyone else gets the beers. No one else gets the

beers. They're blown away by me right now. Alright. By the way, I don't know if anyone's been noticing, the fans out there, it's been a big round table of the year celebration. We got Lupe Rodriguez has been live tweeting. Thank you, Lupe, on the Twitter. He's a spirit animal. By live tweeting,

I think he tweeted twice? Twice. Okay, twice. He tweeted twice. It's been an exciting hour. Thank you, Lupe. All right. Okay, but anyway,

so the cops arrested this chick. It's all wrong. Leave her alone. She's going to see her boyfriend. Can I get a vape pen? Bolden, good fucking God, dude.

Alright, you know what? I believe that it's time for the Roundtable of the Year Awards. Oh my God, I'm so excited. Alright, because you are nominated, Ed, I don't think that you can be the master of Salem elements. I'm not. I brought in a lovely pair of ladies to bring out the spirit of the round table.

I like to think of them as the sirens of the round table. Please, everyone give it up for Miss Katie Frame and Miss Marie Anderson from the Reformed Horse. Katie and Marie from the Reformed Horse. Oh, they are beautiful. They are the most beautiful women I know. All the Nators Reformed hoes in the house! I can't see anything but fucking Nators! Cut their mics.

The only hoes in here are us. Thank you, everybody. Hell yeah. All right. So welcome to the award ceremony. This is really exciting. So great to be here. Thank you.

Snaps, everybody. So just because this is what we're supposed to do, we're going to read the year's nominees again, because we're supposed to. We're going to read the year's nominees again Because we're supposed to So this year's nominees First off we have Amber Nelson Very excited

Ed Lawson I'm wet with sweat Andrew Short We don't know who that is Who the fuck is Andrew Short? We don't know. It's a two-time nominee. I mean, the world's been buzzing with him.

Well, we don't know him. Michael Che! I mean, I give it up to him. Three times. When Michael Jordan walks in the room, everyone gets excited. Can I say this about Michael Che? Yes.

I'm not sure if we can nominate someone who isn't on Twitter. I feel like Twitter is a cornerstone of celebrity. If you're not on Twitter, in my personal opinion, you cannot be nominated for an award. An award, and I say a Ben Kissel strike. You can take it to the council after the awards. No, I want to do it now. I want to do it now.

I want Michael Che's name to be striked from the round table of gentlemen awards. Do it, Ed. You know he's right. I want it striked. You know he's fucking right. I don't have the power. It's not on Twitter. I don't have the power.

I mean, you guys should be on the board. When I send you your invitation to be on the board, you don't respond. Never got one. Jackie, is Michael Che off? Jackie, are you off? Or does Jackie get replaced by Michael Che? Or does... No.

Oh, because Jackie, do you have a Twitter? I do have a Twitter. Is it Jack the Worm? It is Jack the Worm. However, I would rather just join with Michael Che and have us be a couple up for round table. He knows he's going to win. I don't think so. I don't think so. Just piggy tail on a champion.

Real quick. I don't know. Real quick before we solve this. Can you guys announce my name really fast? I want to piggy tail on the champion. Yeah, we were about to inform you that Holden McNeely is also a nominee. I'd like to be yours! Okay, so we're going to figure this out right now.

Are we all ready? Yes. Because we are fucking ready to go home. Okay. God, I already looked. Let's get a drum roll, please. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And the winner is...

Jackie Zabrowska! Jackie! Irowska! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Speech, baby! Speech, baby! I mean, it's not true.

Hats off to all of you. I can't believe I won. I just didn't even know this could be. I didn't know I could be this happy. I've never been this happy in my life. I want to say thank you to the Academy. I want to say thank you to God. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.

We forgot. Marie never learned how to read. Sorry. It says, it's actually Michael Chang. I changed my fucking mind. What? What? What? but, wait, wait. Wow.

I changed my fucking mind in this moment, because you know what? This is a great moment for dudes everywhere. We finally beat these chicks, man. Dudes win, and finally. Now, Michael wasn't able to be here to accept the award, so he sent in a video. Michael Che is so sorry he couldn't be in this video to accept this award.

But he is very busy. He wants to thank his little Monstars. Couldn't do it without you. The gentlemen and gentle lady. Rebecca's boobs. The man upstairs, Lorne Michaels. And of course, Ben Kissel. Always a bridesmaid, never a winner.

Ciao babes. How the years have changed. The man who hasn't been on the show in a year has just won Roundtable. Wait a second, that was the first time an Asian has ever been on this show. No, Shang Wang was on once.

We had Shang on once and then he felt uncomfortable. His Asian assistant is our first Asian on the episode. All right. We're going to try to curb our racism in 2015 towards the great people. They always win a staring contest. Okay. All right.

Asians are wonderful individuals. That was good, Olden. I'll give you that one. Okay. All right. I'm glad the tension is over. I'm happy as well. I'm pretty sure I won, right guys?

Jackie, you did not fucking win, man. Get drunk! Jackie, you lost. I won. Dudes everywhere won. That's who won, is guys everywhere. But all the girls are watching the nanny, am I right, ladies? And Jackie, you did have

seven people on the chat say, fuck yeah, Jackie. Hell yeah. Thank you to everyone. In my heart, I won. And that's all that matters. And not a single Holdinator. My Nators don't like to speak when it comes to losing, man. They know what's going on. We're all going to meet up back at my

place with my girl. Alright, that's been the Roundtable. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holder McNeely, We're all going to meet up back at my place with my girl. All right. That's been the roundtable. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett. Congratulations, Michael Che. Five-time roundtabler of the year and well-deserved. Thank you, everybody, for coming out. It's been so cool.

It's been fun. I'm like the Beatles. I'm like the Beatles I'm like the fucking Beatles I'm gonna not be able to do this live much longer man They'll be screaming like a bunch of fucking little girls You won't be able to hear us talk No don't touch my vagina For more shows like the one you just listened to