The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 231: Bloody Mary Boy

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: an Owl in Portland is stealing hats from joggers, two men in Egypt beat monkeys for their bananas, and a mortician in Ghana admits on live TV to having sex with corpses. Joining us today: Dan McNamara and Roommate Mike!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. So, you pray, Marcus. I can do my annoying prayer that I told you I was going to do. You know what?

I think you have a prayer up your sleeve that you've been dying to do. I think you ought to do it. Alright, Jackie, you're praying. Everybody close your eyes for a guided meditation. You're a Tetris block. No. Which one? The one with the plungs on the bottom or the really long one?

Do, do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do You got a line. I was actually... Open your eyes. You're at the round table of gentlemen. Ed's not here.

Ben's upset about it. Let's talk about it, baby. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Ed's not here. Ben's upset about it. Let's talk about it, baby. Let me do my thing. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. You know, I was in a bad mood, Holden, but now I'm in a great mood and that brought me right back to my old days of playing Game Boy in the back of my old family

van there and I loved every minute of what you just did. Thank you, Holden McNeely. You're welcome. Ed is not here just to try to bring you back to the bad place. Ed's not here. He's too busy being somewhere else. Jackie, you're here though. Yeah, I'm here, Kissel. Great. Kissel, I just want you, you know, just like think about the Game Boy. Think about how small but big you were back then, right? Think about how small but big you were back then.

Think about how your shirts were too tight and they made you feel uncomfortable. Now you've grown up and now you're an adult and you don't need to frown anymore. You've got a great haircut and you have a shirt on and it looks great and you look wonderful. So maybe you don't need to frown so much.

I want to give you a congratulations for the worst 14 seconds that the roundtable has ever heard. Button horns today on the podcast. That's great, Jackie. You're doing wonderful. Jackie's here sitting in for Ed Larson. Dan McNamara. Yeah, Ed couldn't make it.

He broke some tires, I guess, because he's too large. He's too fat! Dan, when you look at Ed, how much meat do you think it would take, pound-wise, to fill up his body? How much meat? I would say two cows worth of meat. He's two cows fat. He's definitely about five times your size, Dan. Yes, he is. It's true.

He's definitely about five times your size, Stan. Yes, he is. It's true. But, I mean, when I was a kid back in the 90s, I weigh about the same I do right now, about 180 pounds. But I was about five feet tall. You were a fat child. I was the fattest kid you could ever believe. Oh, man, is that why you're so nice? That is why I'm nice.

It's because you're thin now and you used to be fat. Yeah, and when you're thin and then all the girls love you and you're just that nice guy. And you work at Ralph Lauren. So it kind of helps. Wait, and when you're thin and then all the girls love you and you're just that nice guy. And you work at Ralph Lauren. So it kind of helps. Wait, did you give his poundage? How big were you? I was at my highest. Boy, he was 5'1", 80. So you can imagine how fat he was. And then he lost

a bunch of weight. His dick got larger and the chicks want to fuck him because he's got the mentality of a chubby boy. But the gals don't know. He also has the anger of a chubby boy. And I assume when you start choking, they really get going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like someone's talking about themselves right now.

What's that? What's that? No, I've never had sex with a woman, and I don't plan on touching one soon. Holdenators! Oh! Peter and Piper baked potato. I smell a Holdenator. Do not. That doesn't even really rhyme. That was actually pretty good. Even I enjoyed that.

On Thursday is Hump a Monkey Bars Day. So Thursday, I want everybody to go out, find a playground, be humping them monkey bars, take an Instagram of it. You might win a contest. That will get you arrested as a child. Exactly. Ten Holdenators will be arrested. You'll have to register with the government Whenever you want to move. If you get

arrested, send me your paperwork. I will not look at it. Alright, very good. So, Humpson Monkey Bars on Wednesday. Let's go to a cigar shop, Ben. I think we could use some of that time together. I hate cigars. Really? I don't like the men who smoke.

Cigar shops with cap. Yeah, but we never liked them. You know, you just go there because you're trying to become a man. And then you realize you don't want to be a dumb man and you're never going to be Italian. I love the first thing to try to be a man. It's not like paying your bills on time or like having like a, you know, like a job that has insurance behind it. It's going to a cigar shop. That's the first step. It's going to a cigar shop.

That's the first step. Learning how to not inhale a tube that looks like a dick that is full of a diseased drug that will murder you one day. Absolutely. Think about that. Kevin, you're here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know what Kevin did today, though?

He was telling me he was drinking mimosas all day with a bunch of his girlfriends. No, that didn't go down like that. I think it's weird. When was the last time, Kissel, do you drink mimosas? Well, I've had a mimosa every now and again, but I've never felt like I wasn't inferior when I did it. But Kevin,

you had a whole series of them today. Things got out of hand, man. I didn't have any control of this situation. How many mimosas did you have today, Kevin? I had like two and a half. That's a lot. I didn't have any control of this situation. How many mimosas did you have today, Kevin? I had like two and a half. That's a lot. You couldn't finish the third? Oh, no. Somebody took it. Look, I didn't want to

be there, man. Me? I'm a Bloody Mary boy. So gross. They say, hey, little boy, do you want a Bloody Mary? And I say, yes ma'am, yes. Boy wants a Mary. That is the manliest of all the brunch drinks.

Let's be straightforward. There's only two of them. No, there's a fucking Bellini. Don't get me started about a goddamn Bellini. I love a Bellini. Dan, your thoughts on a Bellini? I don't know about a Bellini. I would think that just a giant glass of vodka

would be the brunch to go. That is a cool brunch to go to drink. Your Russian lunch and your Russian dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Roommate Mike is here as well. Thanks for being here, roommate Mike. Oh, thanks, guys.

And, you know, I still have the chubby man mentality because I am still chubby. If you haven't lost it, it's not the same. Same with me. Mike used to be strong and athletic. Yeah, you knew Mike when he was skinny and women actually dated him for his looks. Oh my God. He was like way, yeah, he was killing me in every department.

Oh my God, what happened? Well, I went to college and then I got out and I got a job in a cubicle and then I gained 40 pounds. Mike was a tournament level golfer in college. Isn't that something special? How things have changed. He's also a hot toddy. If he rolls up in the club, he's going to ask if they got a heated water so that he can have a hot toddy.

That's what you need, right? That is a poor reference to the chant of Ole Miss where I am an alma mater that is called the hottie-tottie. And how did they do in football this year? Hey, actually, we got to the top ten at one point. But after that point. Didn't do so great. But, you know, we opened the 2016 season against Kevin Barnett, Ed Larson, and Holden McNeely, and Jackie Zabrowski's

Florida State Seminoles. So we will see come 2016. What's your mascot, Ole Miss? Is this a little Ole Miss? We are the Rebels. Oh, okay. The racist thing. Yeah, yeah.

Just a guy who comes out and says the N-word a whole bunch and then calls himself a Rebel. And everyone's like, you should be in prison. But he's like, but I'm a Rebel. And that's how that works. Marcus, there's got to be a news story. An angry owl is attacking joggers and stealing their hats in Oregon. That's so cute. I love this.

You can imagine he's stealing the lamest of all the hats. The fedoras of the hats. No, the jogger hats. He's only attacking joggers. Yeah, but it's in Seattle, right? Salem, Oregon. At least four people have been attacked by an owl over the past month, prompting officials to issue warnings to early morning joggers and park visitors.

One jogger said the owl whacked him so hard he thought he was having a stroke. Bird of prey. Yeah, cool. So owls and rapists, huh? Always going after joggers. Never run. I mean, this is clearly just a case of an owl just being like, I only like fat niggas around me.

That's why I like owls. I love owls. Is there a better bird than the owl? It's intelligent. It hunts the most annoying members of society. Kevin, better bird than the owl? Owls are pretty up there, man. Play Legend of Zelda. They'll give you guidance.

They do. Also, if they come to you, if they come to you, it's actually someone from the other side trying to contact you. I was terrified of owls as a kid. There was this barn owl that used to attack me every time I went into the barn. What were you doing in the barn?

You were trying to have sex with some animals? I was just fucking around, you know. You were messing around. I was messing around. Were bones involved? No, there were no bones. Well, there were rat bones because the barn owl would constantly eat rats and then shit them out. And you look through the owl shit because it's full of bones. Well, don't owls puke?

They don't actually shit, right? They puke out like the hair and stuff. So when they find this owl who's just eating all the hats by finding the owl that's puking up hats. The owl poop that has the hat is the owl that ate the person. The owl is not collecting the hats to

eat. The owl, they believe, is collecting the hats to make a nest. What an easy nest that is. This is a lazy owl. This is the owl who is going to the owl version of Ikea. They just want to put it together really quick, but it's shiny workmanship.

You have to go through, you almost have to do what Marcus did, apparently. Going into a barn, just chose to sift through owl dung to find the things that the owl had eaten. I love postulating

what Marcus did to that barn. It wasn't just that day. It was a regular occurrence. It's a normal thing to go into the secret barn. It has to be mischievous. There's only like two barns. There's one secret barn, but it's right next to the major barn.

The known barn. And you would sift through the owl shit. The barn was about a mile walk from the house, so I'd walk about a mile and go down to the barn. Do what? You know, kid stuff. You jerk off? No.

You jerk off in the hay? No, there was no hay in there. What was in there? Just dirt. I just imagine you. Jesus Christ. No animals? There was dirt and some barbed wire, and sometimes there was a pig in there, and sometimes there

were sheep in there, but not always. Wait, so it was a hay? It was just dirt? It was just dirt. Where'd a hay at? What kind of shitty barn is that? Sounds like a shitty fucking barn to me. It wasn't a great barn. But then you would sift through things that other people would say, oh that's shit and then it would walk

up and then you would be like, I'll sift through that. You look at it and you think, wow, there are bones sticking out of that. What's in there? Why are there bones sticking out of that little ball? Let's look. Let's go see. Let's see what's happening. I didn't know it was shit at the time. Yeah, but then you have to walk a mile back to your house before you

even washed your hands. You got shit in your eyes, shit in your mouth. You can't touch your eyes if you have shit in your hands. You know, there's a reason why I never... There's a reason why I never get sick. Yeah, yeah. What's the thing about this though, too, Jackie? Why do you handle shit in the barn? I never get sick. Yeah, yeah. Because of the time you handled shit in the barn? I mean, just various nasty

things throughout my childhood. It's owl shit, man. I think what y'all are forgetting is that if you dig through owl shit with your hands, you end up cleaner. They call it the shit of the gods. It's like a dog's tongue. Perel came from it. The old hand sanitizer there is really just white owl shit.

If you're ever in the wilderness and you're forced to be clean for some weird reason, rub your whole body in owl shit. Correct me if I'm wrong, but at our school back in Charlotte, we actually dissected owl pellets. I did the same thing. State Chargers, yeah, We took owl pellets apart. You find little mice bones in there and whatever. Had I known Marcus at the time, I would have

called him immediately. I outgrew that. The bones? No, the mouse bones. You moved on to bigger and better bones. There's an owl in Oregon. I've got three skulls coming in the mail this week. I'm very excited. Okay, and so when you do go on your massacre, we can't officially say

we didn't see it coming. So there's owls in Oregon and they're stealing calves. 36-year-old Brad Hilliard was jogging when the bird swooped down and pulled the hat off his head, quote, like it was nothing.

He has since returned a couple times to look for his hat but says it hadn't turned up yet. He said, I just assume it's being used as a nest. Can we agree this guy is a douchebag for going back and looking for his hat? Twice. That is such an Oregon fucking chachi hipster bullshit. But my hat. Yeah, white dude.

Things go wrong in life. And sometimes when you go back to the fucking scene of the crime, you're not going to find the answers. I bet his girlfriend made him that hat, and then she's also in a band where they play the lute in it and shit like that. Oh, my God. And then somehow there's a flute that can be played with a vagina. Jackie's falling apart.

She is lying over here. I'm sorry. I was trying not to interrupt. I said, God bless you, five times in the last ten seconds. No, I was sneezing, but I didn't want to interrupt, so I was holding it in. I did it about four times, and my face almost exploded. Let it out. Let it go. I was trying to keep it hidden, and I couldn't. I'm sorry.

Just let it be free with it. Are you feeling better now? Yeah, I feel fucking great now. Okay. Like a new woman. Are you feeling better now? Yeah, I feel fucking great now. Okay. Thank you, Kissel. All right. Like a new woman. Every time you sneeze, a little girl pops out and says, you're new.

I think that's great. I think the fart would be the equivalent for the man. A little new boy pops out every time you toot. Women don't fart. Exactly. Well, the owl, the species of owl, it's Strixveria, the bared owl, also known as the hoot owl, also known

as the eight hooter. The guy who was on it all said it my way. The old Kate Upton owl. It's a terrifying looking owl. No, it's just stern. It's very stern looking owl. No, it's just stern. It's very stern. It's also, it's a very large, very aggressive owl known for pushing out native species of

If you lose your hat to an owl, aren't you relieved it wasn't a human being who pulled your hat off of your head, getting ready to behead you or stab you or something? At the very least, if an owl, if a creature takes your apparel. I don't know, man. Those talent scrapes, man. Yeah, but the guy was fine. Talent scrapes on your head. The guy was totally fine.

Kevin, if an owl took your hat, you let the owl have it. That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't feel like that was a gift. Most people don't even get to see an owl, let alone touch one, let alone have one take your shit. It's awesome. Yeah. They should turn it into good luck, like having it rain on your wedding day

or get shit on by a bird. It's like if an owl takes your hat, it's good luck. And how adorable would it be if the owl put it on? You know, if the owl took your hat and just wore it. Does that mean you're the owl's girlfriend now? I think you have to date for a little while.

Yeah, it's a glitterman's jacket. Are you looking up beanie boos right now? No, I'm looking up. I'm trying to find an owl with a hat on, but now all I can find is hats shaped like owls. I have a bunch of owl hats. I love the owl. And the owl has survived for so long. As far as I know, it's never nearly become extinct.

I love the owl. The wisdom the owl has, the the American and I think the worldwide narrative but I'm just going to go with what I know the American narrative of the owl is nothing but positive overwhelmingly positive a little bit sinister though in a good way

they're the watchtowers exactly they know all that's why it's a little bit sinister before we had cameras on every fucking street corner, there was an owl on a tree letting people know when they got a speeding ticket, when they didn't go over the stop sign, when they didn't stop at the stop light quick enough

and then they would send them the ticket in the mail. Also, did you guys come from my hometown has owls on, like fake owls on all the tops of their buildings to keep away other bigger birds and also pigeons. I love the owl. They're guardians.

I mean, in every animation, they're always the most wise characters. That's why they're on the cover of Chips, man. And they're smart enough to be nocturnal and hunt at night while other things are sleeping. But Marcus, is there a rationale for that? Are owls actually the smartest, most dominant birds around?

You know what? That's what I'm looking for right now. Their connection to the afterlife. I asked, I mean, I asked, where did the saying wise old owl come from? Yahoo Answers says it's mainly known from a nursery rhyme. A wise old owl lived in an oak. The more he saw, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why can't

we all be like that wise old bird? Sounds like a Vietnam veteran. I am going to say he went to Vietnam, he saw a bunch of things, and he never spoke again, and he's asking for change. But that's okay. Would you say that the robin is the rapist of birds? We don't know. No, it's a red breast,

which means it's asking for rape. Right. Okay, so we all know the pigeon is the homeless of birds, right? But I love the pigeon. I have a massive respect for the pigeon. Had a pigeon come into my apartment one morning a couple weeks ago. Did you give it some money or give it some food? I had to shoo it out. I scream like a lady, though.

I'll tell you that much. Because it'll just sit there. And then when you get close to it, it just goes, You know, so I was like, Like, it's seven in the morning when we heard it because we heard the owl lexi woke me up we heard the owl you're saying owl but you mean pigeon i mean pigeon we heard the pigeon and it was it was a dukeyed all over the kitchen oh yeah the pigeon dukeyed all over the kitchen we got it out though we got it out i was trying to sit up up above the crock pot up in the pantry did you have marcus

come over and sift through it to see if the pigeon had any bones? Pigeons only shit. Come on, Ben. Now you're just being silly. Pigeons just have no respect for themselves, man. That's the problem. One time I found a dead pigeon in a shoe, face down. I was looking at it like, this is your fault.

They don't die gracefully. Face down, dead in a shoe. It was amazing. The bird's gutter is the man's shoe, I think. It's definitely the lowest you can go in terms of dying somewhere. There's another time

I saw a dead pigeon. He was smashed against the wall. It looked like he got hit by a dead pigeon. He was smashed against the wall. It looked like he got hit by a car, but he was up on a wall. He stuck to this wall. I just stared at it for like 40 minutes to try and figure out what the fuck happened. He went to the glue factory.

He got lost in the glue factory. No, his wife left him. The kids didn't care for him. He's like, fuck you. I'm going to the wall. That's the pitch and equivalent of shooting yourself in the head with a shotgun. Man, I have to say, I might have seen the saddest bird

death, which I don't know if I've talked about on here, but right before we moved to Florida, my parents bought lovebirds from the Chinese on Jamaica Avenue. And that's what they referred to them as. They bought them from the Chinese. Chinese people who had a store that your parents went into and purchased the product from them. They bought them from the Chinese on Jamaica

Avenue. What did these particular birds look like? They're lovebirds. They look like tiny, tiny parrots. They were both beautiful, like green and blue. They were beautiful fucking birds. And they mate for life. So they bought these lovebirds and

brought them to Florida but one of them was like constantly pecking on the other one until finally after four years it pecked it to death because turns out they were two males so it's like Ben and I as birds being forced to live in a cage. But we have to make, at the same time, you have Jackie's parents staring at us through the window. Just be like, but why don't you fuck? And they're like, no, no, never, no. No, they just pecked. But only one pecked the other one because one was submissive.

So pecked to death. And then the other one died soon after because it couldn't live without pecking something. Right. Your parents with animals are not a great record. No, no. Apparently, Gracie Madel might be the last animal they ever get. Really? Yeah.

I think she's the last one. Yeah, they should just stick to cooking and stick to TV. Man, they love both of those things. I think that's it. I tell ya. Sometimes you can't take care of another life. Alright, we got monkey news.

I am not here. Dan, make a monkey noise, please. Woo! Very good, Dan. Very good. He's a monkey man. Now dance for us, Dan. Dance for us now, Dan.

Oh, yeah. That's where you brought him here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll dance for you guys. I'll dance. This shirt's too nice. Don't make him dance.

No, I'll dance for you guys. I'll do it. Just give me a second. It was just funny the way you went into it, man. It's like you went into it so immediately without a shred of doubt. As soon as you finished, you just looked like you had so many questions for yourself. Which I like and I appreciate.

I totally had so many questions. It's okay. I was like, was that even a monkey noise? Yeah, it was. Humans are very close to monkey noise at all times, and you nailed it. Thank you. Horrifying scenes took place over the weekend in Egypt as at least

two thugs entered the Alexandria Zoo and beat up monkeys with sticks as dozens of zoo goers watched and laughed. I don't like this. This is anti-monkey news. This is anti-monkey news and I don't appreciate it. Two men armed with sticks jumped over

the monkey enclosure's fence and beat up the helpless animals before sealing their bananas and eating them. What? What happened to these guys, Marcus? Most of the monkeys fled to the top of the enclosure for safety. However, several others endured beating by the men as people in the crowd cheered, laughed, and clapped. The two men spent a considerable amount of time in the enclosure and no security at the zoo intervened. Eventually, the men

got bored and left the scene unapprehended and without suffering any consequences. The health of the monkeys and extent of injuries is not clear. Egypt? Egypt. Fucking Egypt. Well, this is not really representative of most activity in Egypt. I don't know, this happened in Las Vegas and it happened very fast

and they got caught. Remember that? I remember it. I'll never forget the time. I was talking with my friend Dave. It was an icy night. UW Stout. It was 2003. And he was eating a burrito and I tackled him and his head hit

the pavement and it bled. And you know what I did? I grabbed that fucking burrito and I ateed. And you know what I did? I grabbed that fucking burrito and I ate it. And that's why I have considered Dave a monkey ever since. These guys did what every single human being should do when they were in desperate need of food.

They beat some monkeys and stole their bananas. And I actually kind of respect what happened. I don't mind their overall, they were starving Egyptian human beings. You're making that up. Their government, no I'm not. Their government is starving them and they had to go to the zoo, beat some monkeys,

and steal their bananas. Yeah, but the other people didn't have to cheer, laugh, and clap. I am unhappy with what you're saying. It's also the theater programs over in Egypt. They're not very good. You're right. That is true. Funding of the arts in Egypt is like really bad. Improv everywhere?

This was Egyptians form of it. And they don't have enough gay people in Egypt to do the plays. They've got enough. They're just not allowed to say anything. Marcus, what kind of monkeys were they? It looks like... Okay, let me look and see. There are pictures of these men.

I don't want to see the pictures. They're monster men who should have been murdered in their goddamn... Every single time you walk into a monkey cage, I want the monkey to win. Yeah. Wow, these guys are fucking insane. These look like baboons. Yeah, they beat up baboons? Yeah.

Jesus. You don't fuck with baboons. Baboons look like baboons. They beat up baboons? Yeah. Jesus. You don't fuck with baboons. Baboons are serious. He's wearing a pink shirt. I want these men dead. Are they dead yet, Marcus? Any listeners out there in Egypt, Jackie has a contract. I just put a hint out.

Henry's gonna pay $75,000 for the heads of those men. I just don't even understand how you find a like-minded... What was the conversation before that? What's up, man? You hungry? I am hungry.

These bananas, man? I guess the grocery store is closed. What should we do? I got a plan. We're going to have to fuck up some monkeys, though. I'm totally fine with your idea. It's not funny. It's one word and it's hangry.

It's angry hungry. I get that way. I could easily see myself going to the zoo if I was that hungry and that desperate and that poor and that starving. I would totally jump into it. If you're these monkeys, you just have

to be shocked that somebody would come and steal your bananas. You have the audacity to go in there and steal your bananas. What are you doing? I feel like this man, if he had a pink shirt on, this man is not destitute. Poor people don't wear pink. Everyone knows that.

Everyone does know that. Hold on. She's absolutely right. Poor people don't wear pink. Everyone knows that Everyone does know that Everyone does know that I've never thought about it She's absolutely right Poor girls don't wear pink Thank you 100% Poor men don't wear pink

They do not It's a fashion statement Yeah You're right What we're saying is You have to have enough Social class In order to feminize yourself

Enough as a man To still be a man Fuck these assholes And to not wear pink I want their genitals. Henry Zabrowski will pay $150,000 for these men's genitals. Henry will pay $270,000 for the genitals mailed to Jackie Zabrowski. Give your address right now, Jackie.

It is 1093 Jackson Avenue, Creek in the Cave. Creek in the Cave, care of Marcus Park. If you send these men's genitals into the mail and put them in the mail to the Creek in the Cave. It will be $380,000 via Henry Zebrowski. Yeah, Henry Zebrowski. He's got a big checkbook, and it's made out of rupees. I've seen his checkbook.

He's like a pirate. His closet's filled with ruples. And I want the, you know what? I also wanted to throw in the pink shirt that the fucking asshole is wearing. You know what? He's going to throw out $570,000. Yeah. Do you guys want to see a picture of these guys? Sure.

Here they are in the monkey pit. One of them's wearing a pink shirt. The other one's wearing all black and you can see the big old stick in his hand. He's wearing like a suit, man.'s wearing all black And you can see the big ol' stick in his hand He's wearing like a suit man These are some like hitman monkey killers right there These are rich people Has there ever been a situation

In human history where You would watch a man fight a monkey And not root for the monkey I love When a monkey Destro destroys a man maybe if the man was my father or my brother

I would root for the monkey if you chose to be in that place Marcus I wouldn't choose for you why would I choose to be in that situation these guys are going into imprisoned you know homo sapiens these are imprisoned homo sapiens.

These are imprisoned homo sapiens and these guys are going in there and stealing the only thing that these individual creatures get. We don't know whether or not the monkeys are gay, Ben. No, well, no. It's not a gay thing. It's just not right.

Can you look up monkey suck? I'm sure there's a lot of gay monkeys sucking and fucking each other. He went sucking monkeys' penis, Marcus. Please find that. If you willingly walk into a monkey pit, you deserve everything that happens to you. Yeah. If a monkey attacks you outside in the jungle, then you can feel

sorrow for the actual human. But the problem is, the only thing that happened to these dudes was adulation. It's not right. That's what makes me so mad. It's a whole cultural thing. I think it's... You know, in America, if that would happen,

everyone's rooting for the monkey. If you go into a hippo cage, everyone's rooting for the hippo. Whenever you go into the territory that belongs to the animal that you're currently trying to... Are you talking about ISIS right now? No, I'm not talking about...

Well, yeah, sure. I mean, but not really, unless Isis is a bunch of adorable fucking monkeys, and they are not, and they are certainly not enclosed in a goddamn area where they're being confined to be eating bananas. We don't know whether or not Isis is a bunch of adorable monkeys or not, Ben. How can we postulate?

Are you Obama? I am Obama. I am President Barack Obama. Do you know the secrets internationally? I am President Ben Barack Obama. What's the first question you ask when you get elected president? They bring you into the secret room with all the secret files.

Where's the fucking great steak? I want food. Yeah, I want good food. I want a good dinner, yeah. What do you mean you don't make or rave all your potatoes? There'll be something like that. Questions about the restaurant. They'll be like, President K kissel we've been over the restaurant's menu do you want to know about jfk do you put bacon in your mac and cheese oh my god yeah terrible either way what i

am saying is these fucking assholes who hurt those monkeys should not have been cheered on and very rarely should any human being be cheered on when killing an animal in a closed space. We've all seen Blackfish. Gladiator. Blackfish was a great documentary. Blackfish is pretty solid. Is there a backstory to the monkeys? I mean, are they

enclosed for a reason besides being in a zoo? Maybe they're being punished. Baboons in a zoo. Yeah, maybe they know too much. They could have stole that fruit, man. Maybe these dudes work at Dole. Good point. Chiquita. You're right. Chiquita's fucking coming over there, man.

They should nickname themselves the Banana Brothers. It's just a personal wish that they would do that. The New York Post of Egypt, whatever that is, should do that. I think it's called the New York Post. I want their fucking bananas. I want the whole bunch of their bananas. Yeah, you just want the bananas.

I don't want it on a fucking plate. No, I want their bananas, aka their peni. Isn't that the worst heist in history? Like, what'd you get? Just a bunch of bananas. Like, they broke into a place. The banana is Egyptian gold. What does that mean?

A bunch of monkeys. That's all they have. I didn't know that. I chipped a piece off of the Sphinx. Do you have any bananas? That piece of a pyramid you got is worth $2. A banana is worth $500,000 ruponzels.

I didn't know that. Which is Egyptian currency. The ruponzels. Which is $5. Yeah, they hurt, man. The monkeys are hurting. He probably took a piece of that banana to get that pink shirt. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Fucker. Fucker. Pink shirt. How much of a banana does it take to get a pink shirt? Half of a banana. Mike, you own a pink shirt? Half of a banana. Mike, you own a pink shirt.

Oh, I own a few pink shirts. I can't bring myself to do it. I had one. Yeah? Yeah. It was dope. Only real men wear pink. That's what they say.

Yeah, it just, like, she was trying to make me get one. I was like, I don't want a pink shirt. You wouldn't look good because you would look like a human toe. Yeah, I have a little more tone in my skin than you do. And Kevin does too, obviously. But, you know toe. I have a little more tone in my skin

than you do. And Kevin does too, obviously. You gotta have a little color in the skin to actually pull off a pink shirt. I think that's very true. So get a tan then. Go get a fake tan. So if anybody knows

any suggestions for spray tans out there... I'll spray you down. You'll spray me up? Yeah, I'll put a bunch of paprika in water. Can we just go to a cold wash and you just hook up? Yeah. I got a high power hose. I'll put a bunch of paprika in water. We'll go to a racquetball court. I'll lay down in the middle of it.

No, go on. She'll spray me with spray tan. Is that a thing with women? If they see a man in a pink shirt, do they think that he's more masculine because he has the courage to wear a pink shirt? Is that something they might find to be attractive? It varies from woman to woman.

But I think that's what it used to be. Now it's so common. It's just pink. Now it's just a guy wearing a pink shirt. Yeah. It's a confidence thing, I think. It also lends to like penis You know How does it lend to penis

Not related to penis whatsoever All it means is the guy had the confidence To walk out the door with a pink shirt on And that's it And he's a big fun penis So he's a walking penis all day Yeah I like that

I guarantee me and Kevin go out with a pink shirt on We'll get more chicks than you Holden. How much pussy are you slanging? I've lived with Mike for three months and I'll tell you, there were so many women in that house.

Oh my gosh. I can't even. I've been, I said, Mike, take it easy. Take it. Keep it down. It's just full of pussy. There was that one girl when she just immediately left town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she stuck around for like a month and a half.

And then she was gone for like seven weeks. And then she broke up with me the day she got back. There you go. Oh, right. So Mike actually had a... For all those men out there that are listening, and take Mike's story to heart because you probably should. There was a woman, and we spoke about it.

If you listen to Roundtable Live, I believe it was a couple of months ago. The trial of the mystery pooper. There was a woman that Mike spoke to over the phone via email and via text. And he was such a bitch the whole time. And then she came back and she broke up with him. Yeah. And she broke up with him immediately

because she saw him. And then Mike was heartbroken. So never do that, men. Never be a Mike. She broke up with me the day I got back from my grandmother's funeral. And your grandmother rolled over in her grave thinking about the idea

that you possibly thought she might like you. I was confused. I would say if you're going to go out of town for a few months and you don't care for the person you're fucking, leave them before you go out of town so you can fuck guilt free no matter where you are. That's a good point.

That's a good point. Or do what Mike did and speak to a woman over and over again for a two and a half month period and text her every single day. I did it, man. I did it once. You hit a long distance. I did. It was a nightmare.

We broke up. Can we say as a round table consensus as Jackie from Sex and Other Human Activities, Marcus as well, a wonderful therapist to the crowd, and Kevin, a well experienced human being, can we all

agree the long distanced relationship will never last and it never should ever occur? A one month deadline. Is it technology that has ruined it? It depends on where you are and who you are and who you're doing it with. If you don't want a pussy and you hate yourself.

I think it's all about money. It's gotta be open, man. As soon as they leave, they're gone. Alright, it's open. We'll see if we're in the same town again. But you can't just be like you're going to live in fucking Germany and not fuck all them hot ass

German dudes. And they have large penises. And they have confidence, obviously. Obviously. Dan, your thoughts? I think it's all about the money. If you are dating a chick who's worth a ton of dough, I would have a long distancedistance relationship with that chick.

So you want the woman to have all the money. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Actually, my situation is she did. She could be old. She could be old. We could be living far away from each other, and it would be beautiful.

Okay, so that's a long-distance relationship that works. A very old lady that is floating you crazy with money. I feel like it should be the opposite of that. If you hold the money, then she can do whatever she wants because at the end of the day, you hold the reins. Right? If she's got all the money, she's just going to fucking fuck whoever she wants

and do whatever she wants. She's going to leave you in the end because she's got all the money. A woman's going to do that regardless. That is true. How much is a beautiful woman's body worth? Blanket statement. When it comes to a dude with zero money. Okay, dude, zero money, right? Normal-ass dude.

Beautiful woman, right? Her body is worth at least the amount of money that would take a dude to get her, right? So that dude needs to make $500,000 to even be able to talk to her. So what you're saying is, you know what I'm saying? Jackie, for example. Please put a number on my body. What I am telling you

is this. I'm going to warn you right now. Jackie, do not yell at me. What I am saying is I've been listening to Steve Harvey. Oh man. That's where I'm getting these facts from. I've been listening to Steve Harvey. No. Oh, man. I've been listening. That's where I'm getting these facts from. I've been listening to Steve Harvey. I have been

feeling a lot of different fucking emotions. He says. Kissel, I am warning you. $250,000. Again, before you go down this road. I'm not going down it. Steve Harvey is a revolutionary. He loves big women. Amen. He's great. K'm not going down it. Steve Harvey is a revolutionary. He loves big women.

Amen. He's great. So Kissel, please continue. Well, lesbian Jackie, let me continue. That's not even a dig. I have fucked hotter women than you can even imagine. Well, have you fucked women

that were morbidly obese? Who's better, Jackie or Ben? Let's get into it. Oh, my God. All right. Let's do the fight. I've been drinking. I am not happy.

All right. No. Ben, what's the seventh letter of the alphabet? Seven. Jackie gets that round. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 29. Okay.

Any other questions? No, that's the only, yeah, yeah. 29. Okay. Any other questions? No, that's the only one. Jackie won. It's G. No, it's G. Anyway. I immediately looked at Jackie and went,

it's G. Man, y'all know the alphabet too hard. Oh, right. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. Because that's the G spot.

That's what I was going for. Some women are priceless. You can't put a price on something. You can't put's the G spot. That's what I was going for. Some women are priceless. You can't put a price on somebody. You can't put a price on anybody. Honestly, that's the goofiest shit I ever heard. That's why he got a woman to marry him. It's goofy, but it works. It's all men.

Men must make money. If you guys could see Dan's wife, I'm sorry to take this out of context, but Dan's wife is hot as shit. She's a real smoking hottie. Actually, yeah. That's true. She is. It is that phrase right there.

That's why he's got that wedding ring on, and that is why she is hot as fucking shit. I can tell by how candid he was about that response. Like, yeah, she really is. She actually really is. She really is. Because if you meet a guy that's like, dude, my wife is so hot, then you know that he's fucking lying. Yeah, yeah.

Then she's a big bacon woman. You actually commented on my wife. She was in the front row of a show. And I was with her. And I think you said during the show, I think you said, oh, why are you with this dude? And that's why people come out to see me perform live. So I can break up relationships.

That was the hottest girl at a murder fist show you've ever seen. I'm sure that it was. I'm going to take an answer, but that's okay. The hottest girl at a murder fist show, I assume she had both arms and both legs. So that'll make her pretty much the 1%. No, what I'm saying is women are beautiful human beings

and men must make money in order to deserve them. That is also true. Okay, thank you so much. Nice. Ralph Lauren. Yes, Marcus Parks. We're going to Africa for our next news story. We need to make intro noises for that.

Go, go, go, go. For Africa? For the birds. That's the birds of Africa. Police in Ghana are hunting a mortuary worker who claimed live on TV that job training involved defiling corpses by having sex with them.

Morgue attendant Sharkur Lucas said he was asked to sleep with a dead body by bosses in order to vanquish any reservations about being near cadavers. The young man also appeared to admit he turned to dead bodies to sate his sexual lust because women were frightened off by his morbid line of work. Lucas said he interfered with corpses, quote, many, many times with approval by his morbid line of work. Lucas said he interfered with corpses quote, many, many times with approval by his bosses. He said, that is the training.

You have to do that because once you have done that you will not be afraid of them again. That makes sense. I mean, I guess it makes sense. How fresh were the bodies? I mean, if they're in the mortuary they're still pretty fresh. So what did the guy do with them?

He fucked them. I still don't necessarily understand the human problem with having your way with corpses. It's a corpse. I would never fuck a corpse. But I have no sympathy. A corpse is a corpse. A corpse is a piece of dirt. It's nothing.

Yeah, the worms are going to do worse shit to it. Exactly. What happened, Marcus? I'm sorry. I do need to just throw it out there. Marcus keeps opening up, I'm assuming, things that are being sent through on the chat. People are sending stuff on the live stream. People are in the chat. People are sending

these pictures through and I keep clicking them. And there have been two. Because Dan's not looking at anything. But I keep looking. And I keep seeing just like rough things. It's hard to pay attention. So what have we seen from the chat? It's been rough.

There was one kitty. And I really liked the kitty. Do you want to see what he called a Holdenator spray tan? Not at all. Is anyone else? That's what I did. You want to see it? All right.

It's a Holdenator spray tan. That's not right. That's just a guy with no hands. I'll tell you, a couple weeks ago, I actually logged onto this and looked at the images, and they were all like what he's about to show us. Holding it in a spray tan. It's still not up. There you go.

Oh! What is it? Oh, it's just a chick with a carrot, I guess, in her pussy. No, it's a man with a dick. Oh, I see. A man with a dick. He's pissing in his mouth when he's covered. He's covered in shit, and he's pissing in his own mouth.

That's the worst thing I've ever seen. With a character pussy? Yeah. How do you support these people? And this is two dicks that are cut down the middle and they're kind of scissoring each other. I actually kind of think that's romantic. It is kind of romantic. It's a little bit romantic.

Is that fake or is that real? That's for real. That's for real. That's the type of stuff that happens when you don't follow. It's hard because I see Marcus randomly click on them as we're all talking. So I see what it is, but I don't know exactly what it is.

It's just, oh, that's Henry without a shirt on. That's all right. That I've seen my entire life. Well, that's Claude Wilson. He only posts pictures of kittens and Henry. I like that man, and I am pro him, although I don't need to see Henry naked anymore.

Claude. You can trust a Claude. Yeah, you can. Unless his name is C-L-A-W-E-D, and then that's weird. I seriously want you to look at the pictures that your Holdenators have put online. I'd like to hear the descriptions. It disgusted me one night as I

sat there and listened to this podcast. It disgusted me. It disgusted Mike and God knows that's not good. I appreciate all my Naders and I just want you all to have a merry Easter. Alright. So, alright Marcus, go into the story

a little bit more. Well, explaining the activity on TV, the mortuary worker said, Sometimes if I want to ask a lady out, she will be afraid of me once she hears that I'm a mortuary man and turn me down. But when I'm in the mortuary sometimes, I will see a fresh female corpse and I will satisfy myself. The ladies sometimes say because I work in the mortuary, I will kill them if they accept my proposal. I have not done it once, but many times. Currently, I don't have a wife, since I was born I haven't had sex With a fine girl

Working with dead bodies is a talent that God gave me I'm with the dead bodies every time Every day and it is as if I'm with another person How upset are you if you find out This guy had sex with the Corpse of your son or your daughter I'd be pretty upset You'd be upset?

You love the corpse What your son or your daughter? I'd be pretty upset. You'd be upset? Yeah, I'd be upset. You love the corpse. You think... I have a very... What's a corpse? What is a corpse? I mean, it is the... Whatever's left over of the person that you didn't care about.

But at the same time, it is not... There's nothing there, I guess you could say. But... It's still a little upsetting. I would say if you're going to jerk off onto my daughter's corpse, that's one thing. Which is called a scoundrel.

That's fine. But if you're going to fuck my daughter's corpse, I feel that is an entirely different, unacceptable action. But what if she died at past 18? It doesn't matter whether she's 5 or whether she's fucking 25.

I'm feeling it's the same. To me, all he's doing is not letting it go to waste. That might be the worst thing you've ever said. You were always so good at what he said. He cowered when he said it. He didn't upset when he said it.

I started saying it and I got so upset. I'm so proud of you right now. That was amazing to watch. That was a big breakthrough, Kevin. It was a breakthrough. It's always glad. In that situation when you hear it, you're like, at least they're dead. At least they're dead.

They're dead. At least they're dead. There is nothing. They don't know. Let me put it in terms you understand. Say, what's your favorite dog that you take care of? I take care of all of the dogs

that I love. What's your favorite? Teddy Bear seems to be the one that you post the most pictures of on Instagram. Teddy Bear is the cutest dog because he is the one that is a Pomeranian and he's wily and out there and looking for love. All right. Sounds like he has a lot of personality.

He does. He eats the walls. So let's say Teddy Bear dies. And he will. He will. He will definitely die. That's fine with me. Say I took Teddy Bear and I grabbed onto his jaws on both sides because the mouth is very small.

And then I ripped him open. Yeah. So the entire jaw is completely off of the skull. And then I fuck the jaw hole. How do you feel about that? Well, that's totally different, man. That's a different thing. Yeah?

You ripped the dog open. That was an alive dog before you did that shit. No, no, no. It's dead. Oh, it's dead. This is after it's already dead. Well, I'm going to say this. No, no, no. I'm not sick enough to

kill a live dog like that. You can't kill a live dog and nor should you kill anybody or any living creature. I disagree with doing all of that stuff. But when the animal is dud and teddy bear, I would honestly say teddy bear got what he deserved.

He was a dog. No, a terrible dog and everybody hates him. But I love him to death. And you can do whatever you want with him. And you know what? I think that I wouldn't be... The thing is you'd go to jail. Because you can't legally fuck a dead dog. I don't know.

I think you can. No, you cannot. No way. You can't have sex with a dead dog. No way. Well, not in front of people. No, but that would be sad, though, Marcus. And I agree with you.

I think that's the biggest thing with the guy working at this place. It's like, don't get caught. Don't leave your fucking daughter's corpse in a goddamn place where the people that you're going to be watching over her, you know they're mortuary employees, you know they're comfortable with the dead body. When my kids die, I'm watching them until I do whatever they want to be doing. What are you going to name your kids? I'm going to name my kids Grumble, Gromble, and Groomble, so they never fucking know what I'm not calling them.

Well, Ben, there is precedence in Wisconsin for your question of, is it legal to have sex with a dead animal? A man was convicted of having sex with a dead deer, but it did raise some interesting legal issues because the statute in Wisconsin, the zoophilia statute, it prohibits sex with animals, but not carcasses.

The defense raised the issue that if a dead animal was an animal, at what point would it cease to be an animal? God damn. See, I don't even understand. If you're in Wisconsin, you got two different times a year. In the summer, you fuck the cheese. In the

winter, you fuck the snow. That's it. Or the deer. If you get a deer, you can fuck a deer. Yeah, I mean, I guess, but you got cheese and snow. What's better than cheese and snow for being all fucked on? Yeah, but it's warm and it's definitely wet. That's true. I agree.

This guy got charged with a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal. And his attorney said because the deer was dead it was not considered an animal and the charge be dismissed. I agree. I mean honestly if you fuck a dead

deer just like send a newsletter around the town and be like Mike fucked a dead deer. And that. Why do you got to bring me into this? Not you, Mike. I'm just saying. I think you might. It could be you.

But this is not an imprisonment situation. This is a public shaming situation. Mike, the roommate, fucked a dead deer. Mike, the roommate, did have sex with a dead deer. And that's why he currently lives with me. And that's why he's in the politics. That's why he's into politics. Yes. This is all completely false.

Yeah, but it's always wet. The guy from Ghana, the fact that, where's his lawyer? Why is he doing this news article talking to his lawyer? He's going on TV to admit all this stuff openly and since he's gone on TV,

he's been on the run ever since. And police have launched a full investigation. Was he on Ellen? No, he was on, let's see here. The TV show was Adom TV. Adom TV in Ghana. Let's see what this is all about. He's just in a lot of trouble for having sex with an animal.

They really should get the people who don't want to be morticians and force them to be morticians. Because people who want to be morticians clearly just want intimacy. I kind of want to be a mortician. I would never let you be a mortician. Never let you with my dead child, daughter, wife. I would be fantastic at being a mortician. That's the guy you want to watch out for.

Mike, do you want to be a mortician? I do not want to be a mortician. That's the guy you want to watch out for. Mike, do you want to be a mortician? I do not want to be a mortician. Put him in school. Put him in morticians. Put him right to school. But at the same time, I think Marcus would explore every single cavity to find the answer. Yeah, with his fucking fingers in his dick. I'd be really good at it.

You know how much care I would put towards those bodies? With your fingers in your dick. I know you would provide a lot of care in those regions. Oh, yeah, I'd definitely provide care. The families wouldn't know bunkum. Bunkum. Bunkum, huh? No bunkum, huh?

Bunkum. Oh, I think you would treat bones with the deserves. You would treat bones with respect, but not the meat with respect. Not the flesh. Not that fucking horny, wet hole. Was that another kitten? Yeah, that was another kitten. Claude Wilson on the chat says that I would make a good

mortician. Well, if Claude Wilson says it, then I support it. Any dude who's obsessed with pictures of kittens like he is, you don't let him near a dead body. Why do we demonize the mortician, though? Because it's a literal demon. Why do we demonize the mortician, though? Because it's a literal demon.

Why do you demonize them? Every single family has somebody who's going to die. We're all going to die. Why have we chosen to demonize and make it more of a dark art, a dark science, the art of being a mortician? They're not good people, man. Why aren't they good people? I'll tell you one of the weirdest shows I've ever done in my life was at

Village Lantern, which, you know. The West Village. There's a place called the Village Lantern in the West Village. We all came up there. It was full of open mics. Holy Lord, that place could get dark. I was there every week, sometimes twice a week. Dark, dark place.

Sad. One night it was packed when it never is, usually with shows. That show's never good. But the room was full of, it was all morticians. All morticians? It was all morticians. They had just got done with mortician school, which I didn't

know was a thing. Yeah, there's a mortician school here in the city. I used to help my friend Megan study for it all the time. This seems like it could be the greatest crowd of all time because there is no line that you could not cross that they haven't already previously put a bunch of different drugs into. Oh, no, I'll tell you, man. They were fucking all trashed and just all heckling everybody.

The show was horrible. Really? They were everything you thought about morticians. They were just so aggressively heckling everybody and just rowdy as shit. Do you think they saw you as a future corpse? Probably, yeah, actually. I was just shitting on them the entire time.

I got up there and I just shat on them the entire time. It was great. If you're a mortician, do you just look around? It's like everyone has their own view of the world depending on what they do. If you're a mortician, do you just look

at people and be like, I know what you look like when you're going to be dead, Dan. You look like you're alive right now. You think you're going to be alive for a while. I've already seen people that look just like you when they're dead. They totally disrespect life. It's like they disrespect the living people

because they're surrounded by dead people all the time. And so they respect death. So that's why they have sex with the corpses. Not all of them. I don't know. I'm just saying it's got to be a weird world view. It's like a stripper. I'm usually on your side but it just seems forced when you say it.

What? Not all of them. Not all of them. Not all of them. Not all of them. Not every single one of them. You're right about that. Yeah.

Not all ISIS members are choosing to be there either. Do you want to hear stories? I can tell you stories. I don't want to hear any stories. I told Jackie a story once. She didn't like it. What's the story? Oh, well, no. That story's pretty long.

But there's another, like how women, women necrophiliacs, how they do it, is they insert a hydraulic pump into the penis, which causes it to become hard. And that's when they ride them back and forth. The only thing about it is that if you do that after they've been embalmed, fluids and certain other things start coming up through their mouth, nose, eyes, if you rock the body too much.

Well, you never know what's going to happen, and I think it's so important to remember all of that. Alright, let's get off the subject. Marcus, what was the photo that disturbed you? And Jackie. Oh, let's get off the subject. I think necrophilia... Marcus, what was the photo that disturbed you? And Jackie? Oh, it's the worst thing I've ever seen. It was actual necrophilia.

Alright, let's see it. Do you really want it? It's just rough when I see flashes of it on the screen. I just saw a flash too. And I don't know what it is, and I see it and it makes me upset. I saw a flash, and the guy had a gigantic cock. All right, let's see it.

It was a good, solid cock. Do you really want to see it? Human beings are doing this. This is human fucking. This is. I'm all about learning. I'm just going to do the rest of the show, but close my eyes. This is literally.

Yeah, I already did it. I don't need to see it again. Wait a minute. Okay. Oh, I see. So the woman's cut open her organs. That's not a real. That's for sure.

This is not a real. Yeah, but the shit all over the guy with the dick and everything was worse. Yeah, it is. I don't know. People do what's great. People do odd things. I wonder why I can't sleep. It's like, why do I have these awful dreams about murder and rape?

It's like, is it possibly the things I see on Marcus' screen? You know, I sleep just fine. I get to the body's experience. You are different, Marcus. That'd be a great horror movie, Marcus' Screen. That's what it's called. You know, the Roundtable's a special podcast full of special people. Are you calling us retarded?

No, we're not. No, we're just special. Just special. It's the best podcast that's ever existed, and occasionally we get a little bit dark, and this is one of those moments. And I have no problem with the last 15 minutes, but let's move on. Let's move on to a segment from Hope McNeely. Uh-oh.

I'm scared about doing a segment. What are we doing? the Grammys yeah we didn't talk about this yeah we did yeah you didn't tell no one about it but oh I just feel like they're not gonna want to do it what's the crowd reaction so far yeah they're fantastic yeah they're having a great time. They're trading pictures with each other. That's great. Our kids are the best. I love Claude.

Is that Claude? That's Claude. Claude, I want you to look up Prancing Pig because I saw this really cute GIF of a pig and he was a baby and he was prancing through some grass. How many people are listening? How many people are listening? It doesn't matter. Let's just say 5,000. Pr? How many people are listening? How many people are listening? Let me...

Prancing pig. It doesn't matter. Let's just say 5,000. Prancing pig or scoundrel. For those listening right now. For those listening right now. One more kitten photo. Marshmallow.

Look, here's a... For the individuals listening to the show right now, go to iTunes. Write a review for the round table of gentlemen. Go to iTunes, write a review for the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Let's get the Roundtable of Gentlemen right now in the top 300 on iTunes. Or you can join my fan club. No, don't do that. Holden Aiders, I believe there's about 9 to 15 hoes on there.

Either one is good. No. A segment today. What is the segment? Go to iTunes and vote on Roundtable. Do things. Write reviews. Write reviews. Send me a postcard.

Tell your address. It is 1095 Jackson Avenue. That's 93. 93. Confuse a man. Jackson Avenue. You're wrong. That's 93. 93 to 93 to 95. Confuse a man. The segment, special segment today,

it's a little different. We're changing up a little bit. It's going to be Ben versus Jackie, the world of the worlds. We each get to ask them a question. But I have to pee, so that means I can't pee. You can't pee.

I also have to pee. Okay, good. So we're. You can't pee. We're going to go around. I also have to pee. Okay, good. So we're in the same boat. So it's going to be a bit of a lightning round. Each of us will go around and ask them a question. They each have to answer. Marcus will keep score. He will decide the winner of each round.

He'll tally it up and he'll win. So let me... Or they'll win. One, two, three, four. Okay. Okay, four. Four questions. Four questions. Four questions.

Might have to have a tiebreaker. All right. Probably will. All right. Okay. If you were to kill our current president, how would you do it? Oh, man.

Who goes first? This round, you'll go first, Jackie. Next round, Ben will go first I would poison his I would poison what's it Malia I would poison Malia Not to kill her I would poison her To seduce her

So I would give her some acid And I would say daddy is bad Daddy is bad And she would be like daddy is bad And I would say it's because of the basketball And so I would say daddy is bad daddy is bad and she would be like daddy is bad and I would say it's because of the basketball and so I would let her inject the basketball and have it have

like needles coming on the outside of it so I would wait until Obama decided to play basketball again which lord knows when it's gonna be but the outside of it will have needles with AIDS in it. And when he goes to play basketball,

he'll be like, oh, why are my fingers bleeding? He'll play the basketball. It's not going to be until years later when he gets AIDS, dies from AIDS, realizes it's from Malia, and ejects her from the family. And it'll have nothing to do with me because it's just

the acid. And that's what little girls do. Seduce Malia, needle-aid basketball. Ben? Number one, this is satire. I don't want to kill President Barack Obama. I feel like he's been fine as a leader. And I would never want to take him down. I'm saying little girls are going to do what little girls are going to do.

Yeah, we know that. We know that. To assassinate Barack Obama, I suppose one of the number one things you could do is to let him get deeply... Michelle Obama has sex with Barack, but in a way... Do they?

Yes. And she puts a strap-on on himack does not mind it in the ass in this scenario so what i would do is do a uh seven style uh hardcore butt fucking for barack where michelle puts on a extra strong dildo and barack is not expecting it it goes through his body through his mouth and he is hung nearly, not hung, he is like the cannibal holocaust. Oh, with the stick up through his mouth.

With the stick, but in this case, it is Michelle's dildo. She is the base of it. And then, of course, he is there on top, and the dildo goes through his mouth, and he is killed in that fashion. However, I want to say once again, that is satire

and I do not want to kill President Barack Obama. So, Marcus, get the score down. Point goes to Jackie. Kevin, your question. Kevin, your question. Both answers were very good.

It was a very hard one. Oh man, I wanted to say how I would kill Barack Obama. How would you? You can say that. What's happening here? Okay, well now we're just going to do

how would we kill Barack Obama? I feel bad about the word Are we going to do how we kill the president? No, I thought We literally cannot. I don't want to do how we kill the president? No, I thought... We literally cannot. I don't want to do that. We're all going to get arrested.

We all like Obama. I'm pro-Obama. I'm just saying I don't want to kill any U.S. president. That's why I chose Malia to do it for me. I feel like I'm not pro-Obama, so then I will be arrested. You will be arrested. What's your question?

If you want to give your way, you'd kill him. But the thing was, you were supposed to ask them a question. Because I just realized I had a pretty dope way, so... Let's go. Let's hear it. Can you give it to me? So I'd be shirtless, right? Of course.

I'd have to replace my arms with metal. Metal arms. And I'm wearing black and purple tights. So you're Jax. Yeah, Jax. I would uppercut him. Do you have a question for Jackie and Ben to determine who is better than the other one? To determine

who is better? Who is of a greater equivalent as a human? So how would you kill George W. Bush? You can do whatever the fuck you want to George W. Bush. How would you do it? Ben, you answer first. George W. Bush?

Yeah. Oh, I'd just make him look at his father's foreign policy and just be like, you did everything wrong. Your father's really sad. And then he would really cry. George W. Bush, I would probably have Dick Cheney, like they would share hearts for it. I would have Dick Cheney, like, they would share hearts. I would have Dick Cheney remove his fake heart, jam it inside of George W. Bush's heart,

and then George W. Bush would realize the Satan person that he had been working with for eight fucking years, and then you know what George W. Bush would do? Shoot himself in the head. So that's what I would have happen. Okay. Oh, I got this in the bag. Jackie. Barnett, you know what I would do?

I would invite you over. I would invite you over. I have a cousin's secret service. I know about the Bush girls. I would invite you over. You're going to knock up both of the Bush girls. They're going to have happy babies. And then George W. Bush is going to also put a fucking bullet in his brain.

Because they're half black. Yeah, because George W. Bush. No, that's not Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice. There isn't actually any factual information. George W. Bush actually liked black people. No, no, no. I know personally when it comes to the Bush girls, he is very selective of who has sex with them.

If George W. Bush knew what Dick Cheney was doing, he would shoot himself in the head. He would feel vindicated if a black dude was inside of his room. No, no, no. He hated Marcus. When it comes to his daughters, he is a thousand percent against. He hates Dick Cheney. He has to interview anyone that has sex with his daughters.

And if he doesn't. He wants a black fucking kid. So God damn it. You know what I want right now? I want askers recommendation. Marcus's choice. of his daughters. And if he doesn't... He wants a black fucking kid so god damn so people don't call him racist. You know what I want right now? I want Asker's recommendation Marcus's choice. What do you think should get it? I like that. And then Marcus will say who gets it.

Do you think Ben should get it? Or Jackie? What I said was not against you. No, 100%. I'm with Jackie, man. That shit was damn near diabolical. I guess we're gonna have to go with Jackie Alright Because are you telling me that George W. Bush

Doesn't already know what Dick Cheney's been doing He doesn't because they didn't speak in the Global office before Well we have two more questions left on the table We have two more questions I don't know a lot about politics We're gonna go with Mike next because we go in a circle type fashion.

Get us arrested. Dan will be, our guest will be the deciding factor. Mark, Mike, what are you going with? Mark, what are you going with? You've known me for 20 years. Is your name Mark? Literally, I've known you for like 20 years. Your last name is Mark.

It's Mike Marquez. I'm Marcus. That's my uncle's name is Mark So I guess it works I'm Marcus So I'll continue on with the who you're going to kill thing How are you going to kill Vladimir Putin We were supposed to get off the

How are you going to kill Vladimir Putin I got my questions. All right, well, then go to him and come back to me. I'll figure out another one. All right, cool. Dan, what are we going with? Okay, you're Bill Cosby, all right? You're Bill Cosby.

Let's go back to Mark. Close your eyes for a guided meditation. Mark's is a little bit better, I think. You're Bill Cosby and what? What are we doing? All right, there's no doubt that there's so much evidence that you did rape all of those women now and you have to make a speech

apologizing and what is that speech and then what is the small business you're going to start after all this happens? I think Jackie starts on this round. Jackie, small business you're going to start what is the speech? Alright, so you go up and you go, ooh, I'm sorry

yeah, I did all this. End of it. And then it immediately goes into a reality show based on all the women that he pays millions of dollars to come on the reality show to show that they got raped by Bill Cosby and to explain their experience of what happened. So it's going to be an entire production company. He's going to make all of them millionaires.

He's going to bring them on to explain what happened with them and what is going to happen is that they're going to get clothing deals out of Target. They're going to get lotion deals out of Walmart. They're going to get lotion deals out of Walmart. They're going to use everything they have out of their victimization

of what happened to them, which is completely in the right. That he is going to use all of his personal money to give to them to show the world that this happened to them, but also to make them money in the long run. Will they get special appearances on Oprah's television network?

A thousand percent. All right. Especially during the month of February. And does Bill Cosby get a piece of this? No, he gets nothing. It all goes to them. It all goes to their family. It is a complete loss for him.

And that is what he deserves at this point. And he has a lot of fucking money. And I think that he's able to give us out. And so he's going to create a production company to do this. Van Kissel, you're down by two points. This is a make or break situation. Can you repeat the question? Alright, you're Bill Cosby. You have to make

a speech. You just realized that there's so much evidence against you raping all of those women over all of those years. You have to make the speech, but then you have to also start a small business. I like the question. I feel like I'm in a weird version of Shark Tank. I love Shark Tank.

Shark Tank's so great. I love Shark Tank. The question is of laughter. And you have to wonder, as a man, how much joy does it take in order for... How much joy do I have to give you in order for you to allow me to do the things that I had to do in order to give you the ability to allow me to have the amount of joy that I have to give you in order for you to allow me to do the things that I had to do in order to give you the ability to allow me to have the amount of joy that I had to have

to what I am saying is this life is a world of yin yang I am a person who is out here for you and in order for me to be for you I had to be against somebody else.

I am a man who lets the world feel happiness. Who lets the world feel as if they're a member of a family. I am a person who... Do not, do not, do not. What I'm telling you is this. You can in no way possible, could you say that I did not spread more joy in the world than I spread in the world. Millions and millions of people. Unnamed.

Racism in America. I did away with. What's the small business? I literally created the narrative that caused the presidency of Barack Obama. Small business. I'm just going to make it for him. No, let me do the small business. It's called Pay More Shoes. You already got it. You already got music

off the stage. What's the small business, Ben? The small business? Have you thought about bitcoins? Now that somebody knows something about economics, bitcoins is bullshit, Ben. It doesn't matter?

I have to pee. This one is worth two points I was about to lay down a question you're about to lay down a question we tie him up if Ben gets it it goes to Ben ohhhh we ties him up how did you give that to kids later

so we tie him up this is how it goes Jack I didn't even give you the fucking business plan. That's just how it goes, Jack. I didn't even give you a business plan. I got to pee. I'm about to pee on my fucking eyes. Jackie, calm it. The sooner we get done with Mark Biscuit's question, the faster we can get in there.

Mark, the floor is yours. Mark. Mark Biscuit. Don't make me call you Steven, baby. Get on it. My question is, if you had a way to end Henry Zebrowski's career, how would you go about doing it? All right. Have him knock up my mother.

You have to. All right. That's about right. Becky wins it. Becky wins. Oh, there's no better answer. That's right. All right, everyone.

That's been the roundtable. Thank you, Dan McNamara, Holden McNeely, Kevin Burr. Holden Talks for 30 Minutes coming in June. All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. But find us on Twitter. Marcus. R-T of gentlemen.

Yeah, yeah. All that stuff. Ben Kessler. I need more Twitter followers. Follow me on Twitter. Follow him on Twitter. Can you get that group on there that's listening right now to follow me on Twitter, please? Everyone, please?

They won't. All right. group on there that's listening right now to follow me on twitter please everyone please they won't