The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 232: Frodo Luther King Jr.

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a crocodile in Bangladesh dies from overeating as worshipers feed him too many chickens, a woman in Arizona is arrested for hoarding and freezing cats for her dinner, and a supermarket in Los Angeles is in trouble for selling dead raccoons. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, Mookie, and Trey Galyon!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the hour. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. This is a three-time nominated roundtable of the year. You don't know that we don't do topics? We don't do topics. It's been our share.

All right. Thank you. I'm ready for the prayer. Alright. Dear Lord and Jesus, thank you for us being alive. Thank you for the worms wiggling on our bones,

making us feel like a human being. Dear Lord in heaven, thank you for the toes, the toes that stick out of our feet that keep us on the ground dear lord in jesus thank you for the little things that we don't say thank you for like when a stranger when a stranger tips their hat to you when they hold the door open for the ATM. That's very nice when people do that. Yeah, it is.

This is my actual voice. I don't know. I was asked to say the prayer, and every time I say a prayer, I gotta say it in like a southern lady accent. You got to. Is that the only one with my eyes closed? That's right. You gotta have your eyes closed.

Yeah, everybody else was peeking. I was peeking. I don't think the prayer counts. My eyelids stopped working. Amber, are you gonna give an amen? Because technically this is all still in your prayer. Dear Lord and Jesus, thank you for the friends. Thank you for the booze. Thank you for the love and the life and the living, living, living we as doing. I love

you, Lord, and I love the energy around me. Amen. All right. Still shorter than one of my dad's prayers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. We know Amber Nelson is sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski today.

Jackie Zabrowski. Isn't she Jackanese? Yeah, that was a perfect, perfect impression. I thought she was here for a second. Yeah, she's sitting on a plate of ribs, so it's exactly the same as it always is. Well, it smells the same, that's for sure. I love it. I'm Ed Larson, and I got nowhere else to be.

That's great. Holdenators, ho! Welcome back, my naderlings, to the show. Weren't you going to start calling them master naders? Yeah, that's right. I'm still coming up with my series of tests for you to become a masternator. We're going to be putting that out on Facebook soon.

Definitely going to need some photo evidence. You'll have to do things like sleep in slime for a night and slap your mother. Someone's going to die. I hope. That's how we get on the map, motherfucker. How do you make a slime?

What is slime? Oh, slime should come from your own skin. Oh, okay. Yeah. What you do is you just go on a walk around the town. When you get home, scrape off the slime into a bucket. You should at least fill a quartz worth. I mean, if you're a true nader.

Right. Oh, my naders, where you at, bitches? Got my lady here today. My special love for Valentine's Day. And yes, I did give her her V-Day drilling, as they like to say. Very nice, Holden. Motor ass down! That's good.

Holden, introduce your girlfriend. She's too beautiful for me to even say her name. Lexi, say hi into the microphone. Help me. She's too beautiful for me to even say her name. Lexi, say hi into the microphone. Help me. That's right. Lexi's really hot, by the way. For the listeners that don't, I don't know if you've seen Lexi, but she is blonde and she got some

titties and confused as to how she's slapping on the whole Nader snob. I'll tell you what, you just gotta fight with that butt. Oh my god, you sound like your voice sounds like you have a tongue coming out of your belly button. That's not accurate.

No, she's far too attractive for him. Everybody knows that. Kevin? Oh yeah, I'm just Kevin, man. That's good. Just Kevin, man. That's today. Usually it's different. You know, today he's just Kevin. Just Kevin. I love just Kevin. That's today. Usually it's different. Today he's just Kevin. I love just Kevin. He's nice.

Alright, in the chuckle hut we got Mookie Thompson. Oh my god! That's your best intro yet. Mookie is back in Brooklyn! Brooklyn! It's about time.

That's great. Yeah, have we discussed that on the show before? Yes, we did. The first time I heard of it was live on the show. Okay, good. Alright, Trey Galeone. Nah, I can't. What am I? I can't top Mookie's thing. That just topped it. I can't top Mookie's thing.

Yeah, what's up? Yeah, I really don't. In your face, Mook. All right. Sounded like a racial slur there. So you were named after Mookie Wilson. Wilson. The Met.

The Met, yeah. Yep. Who is that? The doctor. My dad and the doctor decided that they were going to name me after whoever had the best day that day, like in a baseball game, because they didn't know what they were going to name me. And Mookie Wilson hit a home run to win the game.

And when the doctor first handed me to my mom, he said, It's Mookie, baby! That's a cool doctor. Well, there's no better way to put it. My mom thought it meant like mongoloid or something like that. Turns out 20 years later, she found out. There's no way to ensure that your child's going to grow up to be a success if you name him after a Met. Guaranteed winner.

So is it Mookie on your birth certificate? No, no, no. Thank God. It's not? No, but that's been my name since the day I was born. You would get a lot more TSA checks if it was on your license. What's your real name? Sean, I bet.

I don't know if I'm ready for this, man. I haven't paid my taxes in a long time Brad people are after me yeah all right my real name I don't know if I trust you guys Joe and Ricky this is kind of like a real you my real this is like a big moment for me this is big my real name is Steven Francis Thompson III. Really? No, it's not. Yes, it is. Steve, you idiot. Stephen Thompson Francis III is back.

Oh, my God. It's like a big word from Saved by the Bell. Actually, I'm royalty. Yeah, my name's I don't know how to tell you guys this,

but my name is Itmuki. You're not the Russian poker player we thought you name is Itmuki. You're not the Russian poker player we thought you were? It's Steve. Boo! Finally, Steve!

Welcome to my life, man. Oh, that's great. Francis the third. It makes me feel like you come from money. No. Alright, Marcus Parks, let's get to some news stories. Makes me feel like you come from money. No. Yep. All right. Marcus Parks, let's get to some news stories.

For the fourth time since 2007, an elderly Arizona woman who has a history of freezing and eating cats is under investigation for cat hoarding. You can freeze things in Arizona? Oh, yeah. When deputies got word last week that Lucienne Tabouli, 85, was in the hospital and no one was looking after her animals, they went to her home in Whitman. Sheriff's animal crimes detectives served a search warrant Wednesday at her home about 30 miles northwest of Phoenix. Detectives described the place as, quote, in a very bad state. Detectives had to continue the investigation in full protective gear, including respirators. Jones said sheriff's detectives found cats in various states of severe distress with major communicable diseases that could spread to a human.

At least 36 cats have been seized, but detectives remain on the scene locating more cats. They're just going to kill those cats anyway. Yeah, they're killing most of them. Yeah, you got to kill most of those cats. Cat hoarder. So she would put them in the freezer, then de-thaw them and she would make random casseroles and stuff with them? Stew was her

That was her choice. Yeah, kitty stew. Did she feed to the other kitties or did she eat it herself? Ooh, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, that sounds pretty badass. I would assume she probably had to give her neighbors some stew at some point and then they're gonna realize now that they ate kitty stew. That's on par with some

Cartman shit from South Park when he made that dude eat his own parents. In 2012, detectives seized 60 cats and arrested her at her home. In 2010, they found 95 dead cats. Where is she getting all these cats? Jesus Christ. Yeah, the only problem I see

is if she's stealing these cats. At least she's using the cats. Sure. like, can't you see if she's making food? At least she's using the cats. Sure. It's almost better that she eats the cats. Dead cats? It's like, why is she, if she has so many cats, it's like, why is she freezing them in the first place?

You always have fresh cats. Yeah. Yeah, you can just throw it away if you're not hungry. Maybe she just gets on a roll skinning and, you know, chopping them up, you know. She's like, I got a freezer bag, some of this shit now. chopping them up. She's like, I got a freezer bag, some of this shit now. Not only did she have 95 cats in 2010, she had

an additional 100 living cats. She's like the Idi Amin of cats. She had 95 frozen cats and 100 live cats. That's a big freezer. Plus I hope they're not...

You can probably go through like 3 or 4 a day. Cats are pretty lean. I hope they're not... You can probably go through like three or four a day. Yeah, cats are pretty lean. I hope they're not all indoor cats. Yeah. I hope some of those are outdoor cats. Yeah, the sad thing about this whole thing is it's in Arizona, where there's wide open Republican plane. And what are you doing keeping these cats inside?

Boo on you. Fill the desert with cats. Oh, I don't know. You know, I gotta say, I feel no emotions about about this story because I think I'm finally at the point in my life where I can honestly say I don't like cats I don't like cats either I just don't like them some of them are okay but I met the one you know John's cats all like

docile and stuff but that cat obviously went through some kind of trauma to make it not a piece of shit and I mean that's you know in that case it's just like well whatever man I mean what so we gotta torture the fucking cat to make it not a fucking dickhead? They're selfish animals. They're assholes.

Well, one cat beat up an alligator this week, which was pretty fucking badass viral video. It was online. A cat approached an alligator. It was a baby alligator. And they went face to face. It was a big ass alligator. It was a lot bigger than a cat. It could have eaten a cat.

Like, its mouth was as big as a cat. I actually love cats now. Oh, my God. It's a giant alligator. It's a giant alligator, and this cat goes up to it and just punches it in the face, and the alligator skirts back, and so did the alligator's mother. The animal just beat an entire family. It was awesome.

Super cool cat. See, I like alligators. I kind of hate the video, you know? I want to see the alligator get his. Yeah. Well, I think in this case, cats are better to have domesticated. And this woman, you can't hoard alligators. That's the major problem.

My friend had a crocodile. Yeah, he was sort of an animal hoarder. Alligator ate a dog in my neighborhood when I was growing up. That's bad. That was a fun day. That was happening all the time where I lived, man. You just didn't let your dog or cat go by the canal. Alligators. Yeah. That was a fun day. That was happening all the time where I lived, man. You just couldn't, you just didn't let your dog or cat go by the canal. Alligators. Eat shit out of them.

I've had dogs eaten by alligators. How many dogs have you had? You've had dogs eaten by alligators? How many? You said dogs. There have been about five or six. My grandparents had What are you doing, Ron? You shouldn't be allowed to have dogs. Get a fence. Alligators aren't everywhere.

Every time I go fishing with my dog as the bait, it gets eaten What are you doing, Ron? What? You shouldn't be allowed to have dogs. Get a fence. Their alligators aren't everywhere. What? They're in teacher. Every time I go fishing with my dog as the bait, it gets eaten by an alligator. Okay. And don't they know I'm trying to catch shark? That's insane. My grandparents have a house on the St. Johns River in Plotka, Florida, and the alligators would come up.

My grandmother would get a shotgun. She was friends with a gay morden, so she got away with a lot of illegal activity. And she'd go out around 6 o'clock at night with a shotgun and just shoot the alligators because they were eating all the dogs, all the farm dogs. Because my aunt was a vet and she would bring home these rescues and

they would die. I feel so bad for that dog. It's like busted out of wherever it was going to be and then she brought it to hell. She brought it to a land of crocodiles so it could fend for itself. Because it's like, oh, look that dog. It's like busted out of wherever it was going to be, and then she brought it to hell. She brought it to a land of crocodiles so it could fend for itself. Because it's like, oh, look at this. There's a river and everything. I'm going to go lick at that. I feel a little thirsty.

That's brutal. That's worse than this woman hoarding all those cats. I rarely ever do this, but for some reason, I'm a stickler for confusing alligator and crocodile. It just drives me nuts. I don't know why it makes me so crazy. Isn't it just a regional thing? No. Alligator and crocodile are very different.

Crocodiles will come and seek you. They will find you. It's kind of like bees and wasps. They don't know where I live. No, they will. Like, if you jump in the water, a crocodile will hunt you down. An alligator will not mess with you. It'll run away.

It'll run away. Unless you're messing with its newborns, which, that's a whole new game. Crocodiles just look meaner, too. They got that look in their eyes. They're huge. They're the ones with the skinny snouts, right? Yeah, pointier snouts.

The tiniest snout, that's a gobble. A gobble? A gobble. What the hell is a gobble? It's a type of gator, man. So that's an alligator, not a crocodile. No, it's a gobble. A gobble? A gobble. What the hell is a gobble? It's a type of gator, man. So that's an alligator, not a crocodile. No, it's a gobble. There's gobbles, there's caimans, there's alligators, there's crocodiles.

Well, keep dogs away from all of them. Yes, absolutely. Jesus Christ. Florida has terrifying creatures. I was scared of bears. Don't get me going on moose. And deer are terrifying. But Florida is like...

I don't plan a show ever... Dude, it's brutal. Florida's got bears too, man. Babies get eaten by these things. It's kind of badass though. Did you guys have alligator gar? Yes. Absolutely. Those things creep me the fuck out.

They're so mean and the meat is nasty. What's an alligator gar? What are we talking about here? Freshwater fish that gets like six feet long and eats flesh. And it looks like a prehistoric fucking dinosaur fish. My aunt was sitting on... It's got a big long snout with teeth and shit. Yeah, it's really nasty.

My aunt was sitting on the side of a dock one day, and something pulled her foot into the lake. Whoa. And it just grabbed her foot and pulled her in. And it was an alligator gar. It wasn't a horny man. No, it was not a horny man. It was not Jason.

It was... Gross fish. Yeah, it was a gross fish. Alligator gar is like a Captain Hook alligator. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Okay.

Which one's the one that has the mustache? Which one is that? Is that a professor gator? That's Sandy. Oh. It's a particular friendly alligator. Oh, right. Sandy. I love Sandy. It gator? That's Sandy. Oh. It's a particular friendly alligator.

Oh, right. Sandy. I love Sandy. It's got a lot of money. Right. She's a transvestite. Yeah. It's amazing that we're talking about alligators and crocodiles because I've got a crocodile

story. Dang. That's a fat ass crocodile. Just wait. Just wait. Just wait. It ate something. An obese 100-year-old crocodile has died from overfeeding after worshippers repeatedly threw

it sacrificial chickens for good luck. It had a heart attack? Look at this fat-ass fucking crocodile. It's so fat. It's a fucking... It's adorable. That's a good kid crocodile. Yeah, they're not going to hurt you.

It's a pig crocodile. I didn't know the Zerowski parents had a pet alligator there we go it's fucking crazy it looks like a swollen toe or something I didn't know that alligators could get fat but that alligator lived the best life

his fucking last name is Zabrowski I just can't get enough of it alligator Zabrowski poor dog you you know. Well, visitors to the Hazrat Khan Jahan Ali Shrine in Sadeer Upazila of Bagarat District in southwestern Bangladesh believe that feeding the crocodile would guarantee them good fortune, and in uncertain economic times, more and more shrine visitors have been throwing chickens and even goats to the bloated ancient croc. Don't they need

food? They're trying to please this thing because they're going through a famine, but they're just feeding it all of their own food. Yeah. Sadly, their desperation for good luck led to the reptile's demise as crocodile keepers found him dead in his enclosure due to an obesity-related condition.

He was 100 years old. Gator fry, everybody! I mean, does that make gator meat taste better if it's covered in fat? obesity-related conditions. It's a hundred years old. Gator fry, everybody. I mean, does that make gator meat taste better if it's covered in fat? Gators aren't supposed to be fat. You just eat the tail anyway. Yeah, that's it. Really?

Yeah. There's a whole bunch of meat on those fuckers. Just the tail, man. Oh, it's so good. Really? Yum, yum. Blacken it.

I don't eat that shit, man. You would love it. You would love it. I wouldn't, man. I know for a fact I wouldn't because I haven't tried it because I knew I don't eat that shit, man. You would love it. You would love it. I wouldn't, man. I know for a fact I wouldn't because I haven't tried it because I knew I wouldn't. Ken's going to fight somebody.

I think it's rude to eat the alligator. You guys ever eat like rattlesnake? No, man. You can't eat that. Rattlesnake? Never done that.

You done that, Milky? No, I haven't. I met like a... My ex-girlfriend is from Florida and her family, they all like ate like gator and rattlesnake and shit.

I just figured... She sounds like a nice girl. Nah, man. I just figured those two things went hand in hand, man. Yeah, she was a real whore. I like her. Little known fact, Lexi has an intense fear of snakes, so don't throw one on her because she will not have sex with you

that night. Good to know. So where are these people at now? They killed their god. He's got to be upset. They got to be real worried. Well, Crocodile Keeper... They worshipped him also?

Well, they thought that you feed this thing for good luck. So yeah, I guess theoretically they did. These people are all fucking idiots. They're all poor. They've been feeding this thing for a hundred years. Feeding all their old food. Still not lucky. Yeah.

When do you get rid of the wishing bag? That's awesome. That's the way of the world, man. And it's a vicious cycle. This is the same shit that happens in the hood every year. The second I see a rich person that's like God is great and they've

really impacted my life and they really believe in God, then I'll reconsider. I'll believe in God too if I was rich as shit. Of course wealthy people believe in god no they don't because they don't why don't they have anything out they don't need anything else they're godless dude rich people are all fucking uh pulling that christian shit constantly because yeah but they're totally godless on the inside i think they're good at lying about the fact that

they believe in god yes yes i would believe in god if I had a fucking jet, I'll tell you that much. Ed, you got to get into this racket, man. If you could just convince some dumb old people that if they feed you, they'll have some sort of spiritual good luck. Oh, that'd be amazing. You'd be living the high life. As long as they have extra piggies, man. Crocodile keeper Mohamed Sarwar said that there had been four crocodiles in the pond initially, but the other three also

died from overeating problems, leaving a massive food supply for the final remaining crocodile. When an offering was made, the crocodile was summoned by priests who would bang a gong and announce that dinner was served, prompting the crocodile two minutes later to surface and eat the preferred

offering. But I'm not hungry anymore. Idiot. This alligator loved his life for the first 90 years. And it was just, but I'm full now. Mr. Sarwar, the zookeeper, said

we were aware of the problem, but we're not sure what to do about it. The legend is that anybody who feeds the hunger of the crocodiles will have their heart's desire fulfilled. Right. I mean, the hunger of the crocodile? But it was never hungry. Usually it was just chickens,

but more recently people have been offering even more, including goats, believing that big sacrifices meant more chance of a wish being granted. A live goat they just threw in this river? Fucking flew it. I'm sure they slid. They deserve to starve just threw in this river? Fucking flew. I'm sure they closed its throat first. They deserve to starve. Yeah, you've got to slit it.

I think you've got to, especially for a fat crocodile like that, yeah, you've got to kill all those animals before you throw them in there. He's not chasing after anything. No. That's probably where they went wrong. They probably should have started feeding them live ones so we got a little exercise during the process. God, he's so fat he can't even open his eyes. my god i can't believe he got fat eyes oh man and look this is a picture of them

pulling his bloated body out of uh it's dead there yeah they're just like totally cool hanging around it's bloated yet yeah i wonder how long it's out there dead because they're just like it's not bloated it's just you, you know, fattening still. Some more chicken at it. I think that's fun, though. It must be a great little community event to go watch the alligator get fatter. That's kind of fun. You ever see an alligator feeding? It's fucking cool.

It is brutal, yeah. It's a lot of fun to watch. Yeah, Lexi's seen six of them. Her grandmother kept on feeding dogs to them. Did you ever see a dog get eaten? No, no. It would just be like, oh, well, the dog's missing. Okay.

Like, you know. I got to say, I saw an early picture of her grandmother smoking fucking hot. Yeah. Of course. No big surprise. Smoking hot. Wooed a very rich man. Smoking hot lady.

Cocktail waitress. See, we used to have dogs die by wild animals, but it was pigs. It was wild hogs that would kill all our dogs. I didn't know wild hogs killed dogs. I thought they were best of buds. Oh, no, no, no. Wild hogs will kill anything. It's, again, like when you come around the babies, when you come around the piglets, they get very violent.

They've got these huge tusks that weigh a few hundred pounds. They'll just fucking destroy them. It's crazy. Do you know when a pig is born in captivity, it will eat its young? Do you know when a pig is born in captivity, it will eat its young? Yeah. And when a pig is born in the wild, they won't. But for some reason captivity will eat its young. I'm all for it. Yeah. In fact,

I read a story last week of an endangered species of pig. They did not know that the female was pregnant. She gave birth in the middle of the night, and the next day, not only did the pig eat the piglets, it also killed and ate the middle of the night, and the next day, not only did the pig eat the piglets, it also killed and ate the mother of the piglets.

Eight is never enough. So I'm looking at a picture of Lexi's grandmother right now, and it's definitely a Polaroid taken by a man smoking. She is fucking so hot, she would be upset with how ugly Holden is.

Wow. Let's pass this. Let's pass this bitch around. Let's all give a comment on Alvin. Oh, my God. What do you think about Lexi's grandmother? I'm liking it, man. With the abs and the stuff.

She's got a pair of bongos you wouldn't believe. I can only imagine that the hairstyle down below looks exactly like it does on top. Those have got to be natural. How old is she in this picture, Lexi? Oh, my. She's 30? Wow, 30. Can I get a look at this fucking picture?

We're going to have a comment apiece, all right? We're all going to look at it individually. She looks like a badass. She looks like an assassin. What is the deal with your grandma's bush? Beautiful. What can you tell me about her? She had four kids by then, too.

She what? Four kids? Four kids? She's got a Susan Powder-like six-pack. She's hot enough to fuck the president. Yeah, yeah. She could have sex with the president. She's Irish,

Chinese, and Cherokee. So she's just like all sorts of pretty. Wow. That's great. Woo! Wanna get it.

It is always nice to just... How does she look now? She looks pretty good. She's fine. She's a grandmother. Pass it to Barnett. I wanna hear what Barnett says.

Oh. I mean, I don't know, man. I got memories in my mind from when I saw it earlier. Yep, yep, yep. Well, you wanna my mind from when I saw it earlier. Yeah, yeah. Well, you want to nip that beautiful bloodline right in the butt. Have a kid withholding. Get rid of all that.

She's definitely dressed like an inner city cheerleader. She is? Oh, yeah, she's perfect. She's perfect. Gold shirt. I love that, man. I love those Italian beauties. I watched that show with Big Ange on it.

Big Ange from Mafia Wives? Is it Mob Wives? Big Ange is great. I love that. Your grandmother looks like she would be friends with Big Ange. Oh, yeah. Definitely want to get grounded by Grammy. You know what I mean.

Got to get in trouble first. What are you going to do to get in trouble? I don't know. Maybe go play get in trouble first What are you gonna do To get in trouble Oh I don't know Maybe go play around In the alligator lake Teach them how to

Fucking smoke weed Yeah you're gonna teach Alligators how to get high Then they'll get The munchies Yeah Which is good Yeah

Maybe something like that I wonder what would happen If you gave an alligator Ecstasy I think you would have to Give it so much They'd start trying to Give you back massages

Yeah It'd be the worst. Their claws would be poking into you. You're like, come on, gator. Let's relax a little bit. You would just get shredded, but the alligator would think he's doing such nice things to you. Dry humping logs and stuff.

Yeah, you can't kiss a gator. Do alligators kiss each other? I don't think they do, though, man. I don't think they feel love. Yeah, it's just straight up fucking, man. Fucking and killing. Still would like to see some lipstick on him, you know? That's not hard to do. Yeah. I ain't hard to find.

I'm surprised you guys never did that. Put lipstick on a gator in all your years. You went to college in Florida, right? Yeah, yeah. We did a lot of things to alligators and a lot of weird things in swamps, but I never put lipstick on one of them. Weird things in swamps? Oh, yeah.

Of course. Like what? Submerge. Be with the worms. You ever just been like chest deep in the mud? Yeah. Oh, yeah. A little Rambo. If you ever want to go on a weird YouTube search, look at alligator handlers that tried to put their face into

the alligator and it chomped on their face. Those are always fun. There's like montages of that. Why would that end any differently? I mean, it goes well for a while. I remember there was a boat called the Jungle Queen down south. Oh, I remember. And if you went on the Jungle Queen,

they take you to a place where they wrestle alligators and it's like this old Indian seminal dude and he's just walking around with four fingers it's like an old memory in my brain from when I was a child he's like alligator bit it alligator bit it alligator bit it

and you get the people chanting it and then we'd be chanting it and then he's just like out of nowhere just like hop on the alligator's back and just get in a fucking headlock. Terrifying. That is terrifying. And then I get to see your father with a giant cigar just laughing and laughing.

Best $14 I've ever spent. $14 is a steal to watch alligator Billy hopefully die. It seemed like this formed a lot of your personality. Did he go into how he lost the fingers or did we just assume? Alligator Bennett. Oh, I see. I don't know. I think he's an Alligator Billy.

Alligator Billy? Why did he say Alligator Billy? I don't know. I thought he was Alligator Billy. His name is Billy and he wrestles alligators. Alligator Billy is Why did he say Alligator Billy? I don't know. I thought he was Alligator Billy. His name is Billy and he wrestles alligators. Alligator Billy is a new friend. Ah, bit it, man. Bit it. Don't listen to anything I say.

Dude, I couldn't understand it. You guys need to go to couples therapy. I've been saying that for years now, man. Hey, Mookie, you ever collect snakes or know anybody from your hometown of diarrhea? Collect, you know, amphibians? Wait, who told you where I'm from? My younger brother was really into, like, animals and shit. He would always catch, like, frogs and turtles and shit like that.

It's gross, dude. Yeah, I don't know. We had, like, woods right next to our house. Would he keep them? Like, do you know anybody that, like, as an adult, keep them? Yeah, he'd fucking love them, man. I mean, you know, I used to go out there and capture some worms in the family garden. That's true. And I poked a bunch of holes in an old ice cream gallon container.

And, you know, I'd talk to them. I really would. But they all died. Every single one of them died. Would you say the worms were your only friend back when you were a child? I would say I had 11 friends because I had 11 worms. No, it was a little fate. When you're young, 10 years old or so,

worms can be kind of fun. Yeah, I've said it on the show before. I once caught a snapping turtle and it died because I fed it nothing but cheese. What? For real? Yeah. What kind of cheese?

Cheddar. One time when I was younger, in fifth grade, my best friend was dating the hottest girl in school and she dumped him and so we went over there and I threw a frog on her bedroom window and it just like splattered and that was her punishment for dumping my friend

your friend's a little Frank Sinatra the fuck did that frog do to anyone like a serial killer what was her hottest girl in school name? Jamie Barbarella. Oh, yeah. Jamie Barbarella, I think. Jamie Barbarella.

That's a fake last name. That's so sexy. I wonder what she looks like now. But now she's Jamie Babooka-Cuckoo. She married someone. I'm sure she's like Jamie Weinstein now. She looks like Lexi's grandmother. Ours was Veronica

Slaughter. Damn! Fuck, I just came twice! That was a hell of an egg. My dick has just been murdered! Usually you gotta change your name to a porn name, but that was just given to her at birth. Oh yeah, Veronica Slaughter.

She doesn't stand a chance. She's like 6'2". 8 pound pussy. Yeah, she's like six foot two. Eight pound pussy. That was the hottest girl in your school? In my opinion. In my opinion. There was some debate, but I always fell on the Veronica Slaughter side. Of course.

Yeah. You like a huge. Don't say, of course. Well, you know, with the blood and everything. You know, I know what you want. She wasn't necessarily the hottest girl in school. Just the hottest one in Europe. She had the cutest little hair lip.

She had 19 digits, which was amazing. 19 full digits. Missing a pinky toe. Hey, Marcus. Hey, Veronica. You want to go to the bag with me? Yeah, we'll go in bag. We'll sit sitting back today.

Good. Thank you, Vandermarket. That was a recording from Marcus' high school days. That's amazing. Pull that up from the archives. Little known fact, all of my high school experience was recorded on audio. Little Richard Nixon he was. That's perfect.

Marcus, we got another story? Yep. A surgeon at the University of South Florida has performed the world's first penis reduction surgery. Oh, my God. Damn, I need that shit. Isn't there in circumcisions penis reduction surgeries? Technically, but this... No, that just takes off skin.

You don't lose much mass. Yeah, it just takes off skin, not length. Oh, okay. A 17-year-old boy went to physicians because his penis grew too large, limiting his sex life and his chance to play sports. What kind of sex life is 17?

And it was so big it kept him from playing sports. That's not why you're bad at basketball. Oh, yeah. Bad at basketball. I would assume that's probably true. Just wait, just wait. The boy's penis was almost seven inches long, which is bigger than average. That's good.

But it had a circumference of ten inches. What? No! Win flaccid! Not even when it was hard. Win flaccid. Flaccid. Yeah, you gotta take that down.

Trim a little off the side. I'm telling you, man, I need to know the name of that doctor, because when my balloon blows up, bitch is going to pop, brother. Yeah, I've heard that. Whenever Holden gets hard, his ears bleed. Surprise, there's enough blood in his head to even drip out of it. Yeah, doctors always tell me I got too much blood in me. Well, you need it for that huge fucking cock of yours.

Jesus, it itches the comforts. It was described as having the shape of a football. Oh, all right. So it was all strange and odd looking. Yeah, what brought on the shape was several bouts of pre-apism. Pre-apism is prolonged and frequent unwanted erections, which left the penis bloated and misshapen. How do you get this pre-appism?

So no one told this kid to jerk off? Is that what happened? No, because he said he was having sex. He was messing with his sex life, which means he didn't know it was on until the first girl he showed it to freaked the fuck out. Here's what it is. It actually the owners all the time. That might be the secret to having a huge dick.

Yeah. You get a boner. I guess. It just grows and grows. Pre-epism is you get a boner and the boner just never goes away. And so it keeps swelling. Can't do nothing to get it out of there? Can't do nothing.

He had a boner the entire, like this groove because he just had a consistent, constant. He's got to try, like, finger in the butt or something. Something. That's another one of those. That's another one of those curses that, like, starts off real badass. You're like, I got a nice-sized dick. And then by the end of it, it's like that movie Thinner. And it's like the life of that fucking alligator.

Yeah. And it's just a freak dick. Nobody wants to fuck that. It's like if only vampires existed, because if he could just get a regular blowjob from a vampire, get all the blood out of there, that's a good idea. Yeah, then you'd be all good. Hmm.

The female version is called clitorism. What? Sounds like a tourism type thing for the clitoris. What's that like, Amber? I just keep coming and coming and gushing and gushing and gushing. It's like, I just can't. I have sex. I have sex.

And it's like, you've got to call in Shamu because we've got a new park for you to live in. So what's in the splash zone? Yeah, hopefully it's you, Eddie. I'm surprised you don't call it a clown nose clit. Oh, clown nose clit. That's funny. It gets all gonzoed out there? I mean, how massive are we talking?

Are you looking at pictures of it? No, I never come. So, what is... Clitorism. There's some enlarged clits that are like... Show me the biggest cl clip you can find. I'm not looking at a big clip, but I am looking at what pre-appism actually looks like.

That's fucking horrifying. That is pretty gross. Holy Christ! Oh yeah, you gotta get that sausage. You gotta get that sausage reduced. I sent you that picture in confidence, man. It looked like you put a live piglet in a microwave. You can make one hell of a gumbo with that.

It looks like a sweet potato. Never look at the pictures, baby. Holden learned that long ago. Never look at the pictures. That's why I sit right here on the other exact opposite side of the camera. That was like the first human moment you've ever had. Marcus, you don't have to keep pulling pictures. Show me that big clit.

I'm looking for it. Watch that. Sweet potato dick out of my mind. Oh, man. This isn't going to make it better. At least you're still scared of dick. Now you're going to be thinking about this. I love huge pussies.

Do you? This isn't a huge pussy. It's a big clit. You see some medically taken photographs of it. Like, yeah, there's no... If a doctor's not airbrushing these photos... It's always too bright. If a doctor is taking pictures of your dick, something's wrong.

It's never good. I always like to tape a woman's labias to her thighs. Oh, that's the best. Yeah, it makes it real big. You use like a duct tape? What kind of tape do to her thighs Oh that's the best Yeah it makes it real big What kind of tape do you Two sided tape If you put the tape on and rip it off real fast It swells up like crazy

I like using wide electrical tape Like elephant ears Then you give her the dumbo Sprinkle a little cinnamon on there. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. You had circus elephant ears. Cinnamon and sugar.

I'm fucking hungry, man. What happens when you put cinnamon on a pussy? Probably is real bad for it, right? No. Nothing bad happens. You can't just go sprinkling random things on vaginas. Well, you're going to want to put some sugar in there, too, for sure. If you eat too much cinnamon, you flip out.

Right. Well, don't go crazy with it. Just sprinkle it on there. Edgy. To taste. I don't think it's nonsense. To taste. You got to check out my new web series, Put It On A Pussy.

Every week, I will be putting something new on a pussy, and we'll see what happens. Next week, it's tobacco. Wow. Yo, we've gone from sex to food just like an alligator. Yeah. Think about it. I thought I'd tie that in. I loved it. I'd try it.

Marcus, what are you so engaged in over there online? Now he's just looking at nudie pictures. Now I'm looking at female bodybuilder clit dicks. He's looking at Filipino trannies. I mean, because Mookie wanted to see a big clit. Show me that big clit dick. He's looking at trannies. It doesn't matter what Stephen Francis III. Just give Mookie what he wants so he can move on. Yes! wanted to see a big clit. Show me that big clit. He's looking at trannies.

Steven Francis III. Just give Mookie what he wants so we can move on. Yes! What? That is a big... We'll show a naked one if you're going to show anything. Literally, I can't even see that clit. It's not big enough.

No, no, no. It's like subtly big enough. I want a clit that you can see from space. Well. Y'all, that is a big clit. That's a big clit. Okay, we got it. Yeah. That's fine. That's a big clit. Okay, we got it. That's fine. That's what big clits look like.

Is it being a sausage? It's a little cute little... It's the hunt that makes it so much fun. I agree. That's right. When you put on your little fugitive. When Ed puts on his hunting cap and he gets his fucking shotgun out, you know he's gonna find it.

That Peter and the Wolf song plays. Nothing terrifying about any of that. Throw on some real tree camo. Well, what brought on the shape was several severe bouts of pre-epism, as we've discussed. The surgeon could not find any history in what to do in this situation.

He said, Lord knows there's a global race on how to make it longer and thicker in plastic surgery circles but very little on how to make it smaller surgeons decided to perform a technique used to treat peyronie's disease where scar tissue develops along the penis causing it to bend doctors cut along an old circumcision scar unwrap the skin the penis, and cut two segments of tissue from either side. The doctor said it was a bit like having two side tummy tucks, or at least that's how we explained it to him. I never needed to know that, man. Very good. He should have just went to Asia and got a transplant.

What do you mean? Oh, from an Asian person. I think he wants a large, large penis still. Oh, he wants it as long. He's not getting that thing shortened lengthwise. I don't know. He wants a nice seven-inch dong. I feel like you hate your own dick by that point.

Yeah. It's caused you so much pain and discomfort, you probably just don't even want to fuck him. Fuck you, dick! His dick got the same operation as Lisa Lampanelli. Yep, pretty much did. That dude, I'm sure, but Mookie, it's true. I bet that dude has yelled at his dick. He's definitely done that on multiple occasions.

Wait, go back. It's got to be such a bizarre thing to try to explain to a woman why you won't have sex with her because your dick is just too large. It's a clit. Oh, thanks. That was a clitoris? Yeah. What did it look like?

Let's go back and look at this giant. What did it look like? Let's go back and look at this giant. What did that look like? It looks like a dick. It looks like a dick. Oh, okay. We're all not that different. We're not that different. Yeah, I saw it.

Did you see it? Did you see it? I didn't see it. You guys see it. We're all going to see it before we eat it. I want to see it. Yeah. Check it out.

What? I mean, it's not. It looks like a doggy dick. It looks like a doggy dick. It looks like a doggy dick in the shape of a human penis. It's not really bigger than the other clits, just the camera's better. It's just not. It looks much better than the photograph. It is done by a professional clit photographer.

I wonder, though, if that chick's O's are just fucking out of control. Oh, I'm sure they are. She probably makes the hole in the wall like the cartoon characters make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure she does. It's probably easier, right? You just flick that thing three, four times and the chick explodes. That might be harder.

But you gotta suck it like a little dick. Just smack it around. It's just weird. Well, there is something called persistent genital arousal disorder. And apparently their lives are living hells. Oh, people who cum 40 times a day? Yeah. I've heard about that.

I can't do anything. I'm totally fine with that. No, you think that. I get disability or whatever from this day. Well, you do get disability. Yeah. And just fucking ride it out. Yeah.

Start getting into cartoons. Yeah. What the fuck ever, man. Yeah, I mean, you got to wear sweatpants, that's for sure. A lot of people still continue jobs, and they go to their day job, and they file away the papers. They're like, yes, sir, I will get the 12412. Jizzing in the file. Yeah, you just got to expect it from Jizzy Susie. I would just do a 24-hour-a-day webcam show.

Oh, yeah. You make so much money. Then you make some serious stuff. Anytime you want. Log on. Some psycho's going to watch that shit. 24-hour-a-day webcam show. How are you going to spend your money? Well, you got to go to sleep sometime.

They got seamless and shit. And then you can just market that. Watch me eat. Watch me sleep. You can live your whole life on a webcam. People will like something. Watch me take whatever you're doing in the bathroom. You can do whatever you want, man.

You can monetize every single thing that you do with your life. People get off on watching chicks brush their teeth and stuff. That's true. Yeah. This one woman said that she has hundreds of orgasms a day. She said she'll have periods of four to six hours where she'll cum every 30 seconds. No.

Aren't you ever worried your brain is just going to snap? Yeah, it does. Some people actually kill themselves because of this. Right, I mean, something will happen. Some weird chemical or something in your brain will just get loose and then you'll just fucking have something like this.

I think about that shit. You gotta to, man. You got to be ready for when it happens, Holden. I'm always worried about the girls I fuck, man. They might just snap. Mookie, every bitch that I've talked to that you fucking slay your fucking cock into, they're always just like,

he robbed my pussy of all of its juice. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that was a compliment. I'm not sure how to take it. It was. I stole that juice. Pussy juice. I sucked that huge clit.

Alright, well there you go. You're ruining it immediately. Oh man. Anything else with this disease and this man's giant donker? Huh? What do they call it? Clitoris.

Clitoris. Clitoris. Clitoris. Oh. At least it's medical. Nice. I just hope that if this guy did it

like a lot of it he did it was for sport, I hope that he becomes an incredible sprinter or joins the NBA and then they make the most inspirational movie ever.

Yeah. For little dick guys everywhere. I couldn't do it with my big honking dong. Once I got myself a little dick, I was a great athlete. That'll change the whole world. Oh, it would be amazing, the confidence that would instill in people with little dicks. The lights. Yes, us, me, specifically.

Specifically. I've got a Valentine's Day story. Ooh. I almost forgot that ever happened. Yeah, we just did Valentine's Day. As Japan celebrated Valentine's Day on Saturday. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Valentine's Day is a sweep in Asia. Oh. All over the place. Someone's got to. That's dirty. They're big on the science, you know, but the streets. As Japan celebrated Valentine's Day on

Saturday, a group of demonstrators marched through central Tokyo against what they called the, quote, passion-based capitalism of the annual fete of romance. The revolutionary alliance of men that women find unattractive claims...

Present. It's the worst fucking club. The Women Find Unattractive? I remember that sorority. The Revolutionary Alliance of Men that Women Find Unattractive, or Kakuhido in Japanese, short for Kakumetike himotodome,

claims on its website that, quote, public smooching is terrorism. The alliance... I love that. Translates to big mouth, small cock. I agree with that. Terrorism it is indeed. We do need freedom.

The alliance's ten or so comrades march through the busy Shibuya shopping district, waving banners with slogans demanding an end to Valentine's Day. However, as the comrades chanted slogans, including, Don't be duped by the conspiracy of chocolate makers, they were met by bemused looks from passersby. The chairman of the revolutionary alliance, who goes by the name Mark Waters, said in Japan...

Mark Waters? Mark Waters. His name kind of doesn't fit in the story here. Yeah, Mark Waters. It Waters? Mark Waters. His name kind of not fit in the story here. Should be like Kendo Genebe. Where did Mark Waters come from? Mark Waters, that's what he calls himself. His parents just named him all different? Yeah.

He says, in Japan, women give men chocolate on Valentine's Day to show their affection, which is true. Reversal of roles. Oh, yes. He said, society is addicted to capitalism. People are profiting from it. And we are here today to demonstrate our resistance to the love capitalists. Oh, that's so sad.

These dudes are pathetic. Dressed in a white helmet and sunglasses with a pink scarf covering his mouth. He said, gay stormtrooper. That was really good, Addy. Gay storm trooper yeah okay he said this blood-soaked conspiracy of valentine's day driven by the oppressive chocolate capitalist has arised once again and we are here to demolish it that's great and all 10 of them did no oh valentine's day goes on valentine's day goes on. But yes, in Valentine's Day in Japan, it's a huge moneymaker for candy makers as women are traditionally expected to buy chocolates for the men in their lives.

They really flipped that. Ranging from partners to work colleagues and even bosses. I like the record to show for all my naders out there, Lexi did not get me a Valentine's Day gift. That's not very cool. That's Day gift. Very interesting. Don't get him anything. What did you get Lexi?

Get me something though for all my Naders out there. If you want to send me some gifts, you can send them to the creek in the cave. Just put my name on it. No, they're going to the trash. Marcus, if there's any gifts given to Holden, sent to him, throw them away. It's probably going to be a fucking bomb. Throw it away. If it's any gifts given to Holden, sent to him, throw them away. I mean, it's probably going to be a fucking bomb. Throw it away.

Throw it away. We'll have Holden. If it's good, can I keep it? Yeah. Marcus, we want you to be happy. Of course. I wouldn't even open up. First and foremost.

Thank you. You're wonderful. It's going to be disgusting. Hey, Holden, what did you get Lexi for Valentine's Day? A cheese plate and a bunch of fancy cheese. Did you really get her cheese? Yeah. My girlfriend.

You think that that's an acceptable gift? Yeah. Marcus' girlfriend got fancy cheese. Did you really get her cheese? My girlfriend. And you think that's an acceptable gift? Yeah, Marcus' girlfriend got the cheese. Lexi is saying yes, but no. Guys, if you ever get woman cheese, then just tell her you don't want to date her if you don't love her. Cheese for Valentine's Day

is the worst gift I've ever heard of mine. I'm fucking broad's heart, and I'll tell you this right now, after we finished eating that cheese, I fucked in. You ate it? Not in there. I made it with her. We had it. We had it for hours.

We get it. Or a portion of an hour we had it. Yeah, well. Oh, we got nasty, baby. Tell them about it. That was an hour or a portion of a minute. We got fucking gross in there. I'm sure that's true.

And no one can tell us not to anymore. Because we live in our own place. Well, one person on the live chat said, Lexi should have gotten him a breakup. I like that. Cheese plate. I can't believe it. It's super cool.

It's like a little artist palette. He went on this wish list thing that I have online. I went on her wish list. I picked it out. I didn't know he had access to it. It was a good gift. So he invaded your privacy? Yes.

More importantly, what kind of cheeses came on that plate? He doesn't know. He ate them all. Lexi, how much of this cheese plate did you actually eat? I ate half of it. He said he ate a lot of it before. While she was in the shower. I flicked a gonzo bean afterwards.

Uh-huh. That's so bad. No, no one believes him. What kind of cheese? It was a bunch of cheese. Was there a 10-year cheddar in there? A Mardi and a Schaefer Max from Switzerland. And then we got a...

L'Amour. I don't know what that was. Some kind of French shit. And she fucking ate the shit out of it. So if you ever want to go on a double date with Holden and Lexi, that's the conversation. That's what you have to listen to. It's not a cheese talk. Talk about movies and shit, too.

Oh, so gross. And flicking gonzo beans. Yeah, and flicking on gonzo beans. All right. 50% of this conversation is true. And maybe someday I'll, yeah, we'll maybe watch Selma finally, because I need to know any of what happens. Because I have no idea still.

I never got to see the movie, because I had to be here recording. I told you it was about a ring. They win, and then, you know, they lose. The one ring, right? Yeah. The black people have to take the one ring into Mordor and drop it into the fire, right? And then fucking George Washington shows up and he's got the big eyeball. I remember that.

Shit. Yeah. Exactly. Stokely Carmichael Says I can't carry you I can't carry the ring but I can carry you And then he carries MLK over to Selma Frodo Luther King Jr. That's exactly how it works out

It's a great movie Peter Jackson is one of the best directors It's about friendship Love that movie Alright Marcus what do we got The health department has taken action. The local Los Angeles health department has taken action after a local supermarket's frozen food section featured an unusual item. Inspectors from the L.A. County Health Department visited the Metro supermarket in Temple City on Tuesday

after being informed that the market was selling whole raccoons as food. What's wrong with that? You're not going to find that shit at Ralph's or Vaughn's out there. You know, this was a Chinese supermarket. Of course it was. Employees of the market declined to appear on camera, but did show entire

raccoons frozen bagged and selling for $9.99 a pound. Did they decline to be on camera or could they not be filmed? Think about fucking the speed here. Now, were they Chinese raccoons or were these local raccoons? I think these were local raccoons. Did they hunt and kill the raccoons

or was it roadkill? I think they did. I think they hunted and killed the raccoons themselves. This is another one. I don't see a problem here. But I mean, $10 a pound, though. That's expensive. You know how much a full raccoon costs? I checked it out. $59.

Really? What? Yeah, $59. That's the type of prizes and shit you can get yourself on the streets. Here's a picture of the whole raccoons. I mean, fully hair, like full hair. Oh, I see. They didn't like...

They didn't even gut it or anything. They didn't gut it? $59. Yeah, that's definitely too high then. I mean, you're paying a premium. You can only go one spot for this joint. Someone else opens up and he didn't do any of the work. $10 max.

Economics class. Supply and demand. Right. I don't know if there's that much demand. Exactly. I'll go kill my own. And it's like in most areas, man, raccoons come to you. They go in your house.

They take your food. They're the food. That'll be a horrific day for a raccoon if it goes and tries to steal your food and realizes you've got nothing but raccoon food in there. His nephews and cousins and things like that. That raccoon will have a terrible day. Yeah. The raccoon is considered a delicacy in China. Really?

But this isn't the United States here? It's all a delicacy in China. And they all want to make their fucking dicks hard. Let me tell you what. states here? It's all a delicacy in China and they all want to make their fucking dicks hard. Let me tell you what, in China what they do is they drill out a bear's a bear that is living

and they drill a fucking hole through its little pancreas and they drill pancreas juice out of living bears because it makes these old Chinese men's dicks hard. I am fucking had it with Chinese medicine.

So nice to see you Jackie. I am fucking had it with Chinese medicine. It's so nice to see you, Jackie. I don't know if that works. They're genius. This is how broken China is. They just discovered chocolate. They just did. They're ruining the world's chocolate supply because all the people of China just realized

that chocolate's good. How fucked up is that? Huh? And now they're buying up all the chocolate? They're buying it all, man. And they're taking all our fucking chocolate. I'm not taking away my chocolate. Because when they catch on to something, like if they caught on to Jordans or something,

shoes or whatever, I mean, no shoes left because there's fucking hundreds of them. They wouldn't even make it here. They would just stay with the children who make them. They don't make Jordans in tiny Chinese sizes, so that's what happened. Lord knows when they discover their own fucking iPhones that they're making right now, 100 years from now, we won't have fucking iPhones anymore. I love how the Chinese can make iPhones, but they can't fly planes. What's fucked up is, you know, because every time you get on a flight

Pilots are white And every time I've seen a pilot that wasn't white As much as I'm not I go Every single time Sully Sullenberger is the whitest name in the world He's the king of pilots Why am I playing?

Well technically he crashed. Technically, he flew with no bunch of birds. He's great at landing, bad at flying. Actually, these people got in trouble because a customer

ratted them out. Customer Christine Dow was at the market, and upon seeing the frozen raccoons, filmed the scene on her cell phone and shared the video on social media. She said said the way it's packaged in the store it's so real and it's

so fresh and you don't see chickens with their feathers and blood all over them and there's expression with their tongue hanging out the first part of that was really good it's so real so fresh come on down and get our raccoons but then they're like with teeth and hair all over them and that's not good dow also went on to contact the la county health department who says that our raccoons, but then they're like, with teeth and hair all over them. And that's not good. Dow also went on to contact the L.A. County Health Department, who says that selling raccoons as food may indeed be perfectly legal, depending on the origins of the meat.

Right, right, right. So I don't think you can, like roadkill, can't do that. Can't do that. Well, in some states, I thought that you could. You can't sell them in stores. You can eat it, but you can't sell it in stores. You gotta gas them. Yeah.

It's more humane. That's what they did to all those geese that did hit Sully Sullenberg's plane. They gassed them all, and there was just hundreds and hundreds of dead geese. People were really upset. No, that's true. The Canadian geese, they're the ones to blame for that. Bad, bad creatures. I don The Canadian geese, they're the ones to blame for that. Bad, bad creatures. I don't like geese, man.

Ben is correct. In 2010, New York City gassed 170,000 geese. People were super pissed off. Suck on that, geese. They gassed 400 in Prospect Park alone. How do you gas geese without like extra gas like going out into the air and killing everyone else? You gotta roll up on the geese real close and go

Oh my goodness. That's probably how I killed those geese. You want a hit of this? Ninja style. The geese are brought to a secure location and euthanized with methods approved by the American Veterinary Medical Association and then buried. So I guess they capture the geese and then they take American Veterinary Medical Association and then buried.

So I guess they capture the geese, and then they take them to a little enclosure, and then they gas them. It happens like the Jews. That's not why you've got to play with the veterinary approved shit. We got off of Nazi scientists. Their lives were saved and brought to America. People were very upset. But you've got to kill the Canadian geese if they're running into the plains.

Especially if they don't have a green card. They're at 500,000. Half a million. Between 2004 and 2008, there were 676 reported bird strikes at JFK. That's a lot. And 410 at LaGuardia. That's too many. But only four or five of them involved Canadian geese.

A little bit overkill. You have to. This from Bird Luger. Well, I'm saying, as much as I have to defend the birds, these planes are also birds. They really are. They really are. Man, geese are always by my mom's house. They really are. Man, geese are always by my mom's house. They'll come through, and they'll just shit all over her lawn.

And then the dogs eat it, and they kiss you, and it's disgusting. What? You just took that down a whole nother... And I hate geese. Well, it's not like you should hate your dumb dog. No, geese are disgusting because they shit everywhere and they're mean. Geese are really fucked up when they're trying to make out with my dog. I'm just saying, you can stop the dog from eating geese shit.

They will fight you. I know they'll fight. That's one of the cool things. That's why I respect them. Dogs eat shit. Everyone knows dogs eat shit. That's what they do Well they call me a dog

I think that's on you If your dog is a bunch of geeshit It's hard to stop them We're not all dog whispers Thank you I didn't realize they loved mounds and mounds of geeshit Y'all one time I had this dog She gave birth to a litter of puppies And she didn't want them So mounds and mounds of geese shit. Y'all, one time I had this dog that she gave birth to like a litter of puppies and she

didn't want them. So she threw them on a log in the middle of a raging river and ran away. The dog threw them? She really did? Like Moses? Yeah. She threw them in the middle of a river that was like... The dog did?

Yeah, the dog. Like the chick who put all the kids in her trunk of her Nissan and tried to drown them? Yeah. Andrea Yates. To be fair, she had to go to prom. She did. The dog had to go to prom. She had the dog had to go to prom. Yes, that's correct. But yeah, she went into a log

that was in a high-flowing river and she put all 12 of her puppies one by one and then watched them go into the river. And so did we. Not many of your mother watched. So did we watch. My mother watched them.

At no point did your mom want to stop? She was like, you know, this is crazy. She's just sitting there with a cigarette and a martini. Someone should save those dogs. You could be the hero. That's just terrible. Look at that. I don't know what to do about that.

Survival of the fittest. I'm going to watch their last breath. I don't know if I could watch 12 dogs jump to their death. Because you just got to go grab the little dogs. But you know what? Sometimes it is good for animals to die. Because later on in my life, I found a kitten that was abandoned by its mother during Hurricane Katrina. And I kept it.

And it would scream and it would whine. It was deaf and it would run around in circles and his mother obviously tried to dump it off to die in the hurricane. You can learn something from these cats. You can, you can. I definitely had to walk through a riot

going through Baton Rouge and I had to like suffer, you know, put that in my hand for the kittens. Yeah, yeah. It was still alive,

but anyways, story has gotten off topic. I thought you were proud of yourself for saving that cat in a stew. I am very, no, I'm very proud.

The kitten's still alive. I don't know. Is it? I gave it to an older woman that ran a rescue. Oh, she made a stew out of that thing. Yeah, she did. Yeah.

And bringing it full circle, it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. It's Valentine's Day, and everybody's lousy about it. Marcus Parks, who will be his Valentine this year? We must come up with a Valentine for Marcus Parks, something tailor-made for him. He's not a card and chocolates kind of guy. I mean, you really got to reach around and grab his cock in a metaphorical sense. Cheese plates off, because that's already been given in real life. Cheese plates off, already gave that, and already got it from getting it.

And I get free cheese all the time. And I do want to ask the Roundtable fans, go to the Facebook page and let me know if that isn't the worst gift you've ever heard from Valentine's Day. It's the worst thing I've ever heard of. A couple people in the chat room just said, I love cheese. All capitals. A lot of them love cheese. Everybody loves cheese. This is the thing about Lexi. She loves a lot of fucking cheese. Right. She loves

big old blocks in it. You know? So, I mean, I give her what she loves. And that's cheese, my penis, and you know, we watched a little So I mean I give her what she loves And that's cheese My penis And you know we watched a little Shop of Horrors earlier She loved that Singing plants your penis and cheese

You have a cheesy penis Put it all together and you've got a fucking riotous party To be fair we're also going to see Hedwig at the end of the movie We're going to go see Hedwig and the Angry Inch So that'll be the other thing that we do and i will cry during midnight radio yeah so uh but we're here to talk about marcus right here to talk about my fucking bitch no we're not because she's fucking sitting right here and she loves it every minute of it with me so we're gonna go Alright, go on with the Alright, alright. So Marcus

what I'm thinking about doing go to the graveyard dig up a woman. Like it. Cut off her butt. Okay. Slather it in the best Texas barbecue you done ever known, right? Alright, and then we'll go

we'll take the bones out of her. We'll build a little cage for the butt, like a bird cage. I'll put a beak on the butt, so it's like a bird beak covering a barbecue sauce. I'll hand that, I'll deliver that to you. Oh, that's nice. And then I'll have a card that says,

fucker, you're my goods. Bold McNeely, Nader for life. Marcus Parks. Are you calling me a Nader for life? I'm calling you a Nader, friend, because I know deep in your heart you are a Nader. That's offensive. There we go. All right.

It sounded like you were doing well until you ruined it. With a card calling him a Nader? Calling him a Nader ruined it. Yeah. We'll talk about it in ten years, man. 300 Naders can't be wrong, by the way. Oh, right. Yeah, I think they can.

They could be sometimes. You got to think about it in terms of the whole world. There's only 300 people in the world. Don't we have like 20,000 listeners? 6.3 billion people in the world. 300 of them are holding names doing the math it's almost mathematically impossible

for that few people to not be wrong well Kevin that brings us to you how are you going to woo Mr. Parks oh I got you man this is what we're going to do I'm going to have a movie theater right all to yourself

I'm guarding it with a gun nobody can go in or out. You're in there, all right? And what I do is I play on loop that just about 40-second scene from The Lion King where Simba got exiled and he fell through all those bones and had to run through it. You can sit there and watch that on loop and think about what you would do in that situation. Oh, that's good.

That's fun. You're Simba, that's good. That's fun. You're Simba. Huh. Wow. That's interesting. Surrounded by bones, man. Introspective. Yeah, and I like the clatter clatter of that when he falls.

You can hear the clatter clatter of the bones. Run far away. Yep. Never come back. I would give you a bunch of different letters with directions on them, and then they would lead you to a big old park and then sitting on that park

in the park would be a bench and then there would be a bunch of different foods and stuff and then your date would be the troll that you saw outside your window when you were a kid. Romantic! You'd finally meet your troll. Oh man. It was more of a goblin. Well whatever the fuck it was. He got it wrong so let's

move forward. Let's definitely go into the notes. Date with a goblin. Date with a goblin. Well, whatever the fuck it was. He got it wrong, so let's move forward. Let's definitely go into the notes. Date with a goblin. Date with a goblin. Well, he said troll. Well, whatever. What's the difference? Okay, what do you got for us? What's the difference?

Look, man. We're going to go ice skating. Ice skating with me. It's romantic as fuck. Staring at each other's eyes. That shit never not worked. It might be the most romantic gesture. If that doesn't do it, man, I got you some clit extensions.

It's kind of like a weave, but it's made out of clit skin. Oh, fuck, man. That's the grossest thing said I think ever on this show. Maybe just ice skating. Stick with ice skating. This is my clit skin belt. I think ever on this show. Maybe just ice skating. Stick with ice skating. Let's stick with it. This is my clit-skin belt. That's a lot.

That is a lot of... This is not fair. I was trying to relate to you scumbags. I don't know what you guys like. Here's my clit-skin luggage. Please do not damage it. It's very durable, man. Trey, what do we got?

What do we have for Marcus? What I have is a half pound of brisket, turkey, ribs, and two links of sausage from my favorite barbecue place. From my favorite barbecue place in Texas. Which is? Not Franklin's, I'll tell you that. I ain't giving that shit out on the air, man. It's somewhere north of Austin, I'll tell you that. Okay, Laredo.

It's Laredo. It's Laredo. It's fucking Laredo. And a military issue Coltt 45 and ar-15 a 500 gift card to walmart to buy ammo yeah yeah ammo only gift card they sell those yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna write ammo just for ammo and sharpie on it. And then half a warehouse, Texas Fireworks warehouse, full of fireworks,

all delivered on a flatbed of an old FJ Land Cruiser with a light bar, a three-inch lift, and BFG mud terrains on it. And then I tossed you the keys. You don't have that kind of money, bro. I totally do. I mean, that's like...

That's the kind of way to go ice skating. Kevin can afford a clitoris luggage. Kevin can afford to rent out... Well, actually, you might be able to afford to rent out a whole theater. Fucking all I need to buy is a gun. All right. I just need goblins to be real. But no, that's ridiculous.

I think it was an overkill. I'm not going to lie. I think there was an overkill situation. Do you love him that much, though? Do you love him that much? Hey, that fucker, we got another Texan over here. He knows how to fucking. He seems a little thirsty.

If I got a gift that nice for Valentine's Day, I'd be fucking suspicious. I agree. Who are you cheating on him with, Trey? Who are you cheating on him with? Amber, what do we got? As a fellow Texan, that's what I wanted to give. All right. I say for Valentine's Day, what I do is I make us a Guinness beef stew over mashed potatoes,

which I know how to do, which is delicious and hearty, but not too disgusting. It's not too, like, growth-filling. It's not too disgusting. It's not too disgusting. It's not very disgusting. This is your pitch. I'm going to do something that's not as awful as I usually do. There's only three worms in it.

But seriously, Guinness Beef Stew with mashed potatoes. And then we go to, there's a Jim Henson exhibit. I'd like to go see. We'd both go to that. You want to go see. This is accountable for you so far. Yeah, we'll do that. And then I also got a telescope.

I got a telescope in my place. And we'll sit on my roof and look at that fucking telescope and smoke weed, man. All right, all right. That's great, actually, yeah. Yeah, that's actually, I mean, that's the first realistic one. You don't actually smoke weed, though. Yeah, I don't smoke weed. Or just whatever, drink beer or whatever.

Let's drink beer. All right, there we go. Maybe some, you know. I'm offended that you said it. Can the rest of us come to this? This is a great time. All right, there we go. Maybe some, you know. I'm offended that you said it. Can the rest of us come to this? This sounds like a great time. All right, Eddie. I got a telescope, legit, yeah.

Give you your youth back. I'll take it. Oh, please. Feel free. Before it all came to be too much. All right, well, I think we're going to have, because if it's a gift from me to you,

it's got to be something we both like. You know? And a gift, I don't know, I feel weird about a gift. I'd rather have an experience, a memory.

I like that. So I'm thinking we're going to put together a really cool rock show for you. Yeah. You're going to produce another show.

A rock show. And this is just another chance for Eddie to fucking produce a show. So he's taking it all from you. We got the Horton Heat coming. Oh, Reverend Horton Heat. Yeah, Zombie's going to do a couple songs.

We get 3% of the bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Not at this joint. And there is no bar. It's just like an open tub of liquor. All right. All right. So it's at your mom's house? there is no bar. It's just like an open tub of liquor. Alright. Alright.

So it's at your mom's house? You give people a metal cup and they gotta fish it out of there. And once you run out, you just pee in it. Oh, okay. Alright. And then we'll have a snake hitting party out back.

We'll get a couple little billy clubs. I like hitting snakes. Yeah, I know. It's so bad. We're going to get some of those big tubes that you put in the ground. You put it in the ground and it scares the snakes out of the ground. Didgeridoo. Yeah, didgeridoo.

It's kind of like a didgeridoo, but they have it in Florida. I don't know if you know about it. They grunt into them. And it scares all the snakes out of the ground. And then you fucking bash them. And Rob Zombie will be killing snakes with us. Horton will be killing snakes with us. He's pretty old.

He's fine. I saw him in concert a couple years ago. He can still fucking kill a snake. I'm sure. This is always not even a fair man. It's a snake clubbing festival. It's kill a snake. I'm sure. This is not even fair, man. But it's a snake clubbing festival. It's not a snake. We're not cutting the heads off them because it's more of a mess.

So I just want to be able to toss them in a bag and get out of there at the end of the night. But now, what if I want to cut the heads off? You can do whatever you want. I'm just not going to. It's a lot of work. You're not thinking about physics here, though, man. Half of these snakes are going to explode yeah

think about that this is a messy situation yeah when you beat a snake it definitely I mean there's a lot of blood involved trust me yeah

alright fuck it you can cut the heads off thank you alright see Eddie knows Marcus too well it's not fair to the rest of us he's got a huge edge

no yeah yeah terrifying yeah he knows me rub zombie Reverend Horton Heat, and beating snakes to death with a big bucket of liquor. That's love. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, once you put him... When you put him on a sentence. Well, that is kind of nice, yeah. It's dripping wet over there with that scenario. Lexi, are you going to give Marcus a gift? Now Lexi.

You've got to re-gift him that cheese that Holden gave you I can get cheese every day oh that's why I'm saying it's a bad gift Lexi we are bluffs oh my god give her the microphone you've told me in secret that you distrust Marcus

but what would you get for him you've told me in secret that you don't trust him I know that Marcus has wonderful taste in television. We both share a love of Twin Peaks and True Detectives. That we do. And I think I would give you the

antlers from True Detectives. Blessed by the devil. Oh. I like that too. Simple. Simple. It is simple She has to go to the devil Blessed by Matthew McConaughey

He's a Texan Yes he is Austin boy As tempting as that may sound And Trey I love you I don't know if you can pull it off Ed can pull it off What in hell

What in hell I knew you guys had been fucking Shut up Mookie God damn it's disgusting Eddie's idea was disgusting I should have chose a movie where the bones weren't animated Alright that's the round table Army of Darkness When where the bones weren't animated. All right, that's the round table.

Army of Darkness. Yeah, when all the bones come back to life. Yeah, I know what I was thinking, man. Let's get the hell out of here. Find everybody on Twitter. Sorry I called you a nader, Marcus. It's all right. Yeah, find everyone on Twitter. Murder Fist is on Twitter.

Eddie Toons, Fatboy Barnett, Marcus Parks, Ben Kissel. Yep, and are you a master nader? Find out this week on Facebook, you fucking idiots! The answer might be no. Definitely not. Anything else? That's it, man. I'll go and rate and review us on iTunes.

Holden Talks for 30 minutes, coming in June. Come see Too Fat, March 5th at the Grand. Alright.