The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 233: I'm Lovin' It Part Two

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man with a menagerie of dangerous animals dies after choking to death on a sex toy, a couple of Circle K employees trash their own store on the directions of a prank caller, and a German nurse admits to killing dozens of people because he was bored. Joining us today: Mike Coscarelli!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what?

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the hour. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Good to go? Good to go.

All right, who's praying? Jackie, I think you're praying. I'm not praying. All right. Well, that's good. I'm not praying. That's good. I'm just getting the mood ready for it. Alright. Are you praying, Marcus?

Maybe. Here's to pigs. Alright, amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. This is a small crowd today. It's a small group of people, but that's okay. We have big energy. That's right. We've got British Lou. Hello, me people, but that's okay. We have big energy. That's right. We got British Lou. Hello, me chappies speaking on me.

We've got Spanish Frank. Oh, it's sombrero too big for my head. I love Spanish Frank. He's got such a small head. I know. It's a regular size sombrero. I can't get it to stay on his head. It's so big, I get lost in it.

Oh, man. Look at him. He's swimming in the head. Oh, I just pissed my sombrero. Oh, he's pissing in the sombrero. Well, now it's getting racist. That's all right. Okay, Jackie, you're here.

Because he's a drunk? Is that why it's racist? I don't think that he's clarified that he was drunk. I beat my wife. I too lazy for work. That's racist. It's actually very inaccurate, too. They tend to do most of the farming.

I don't know. They're technically in the house lazy. I'm sorry. I thought it was Spanish Frank. Spanish Frank? I'm lazy, but I'm also a hard worker. That's an impossible thing to be. All right, Jackie, you're here.

Thanks for coming. Thank you for having me today. No problem. Holden, you're here. Very good. Holden Nader's home! Welcome back, all me nateys. As for my British naders out there,

all me nateys. Everybody out there, we're getting together this week. We're having a fucking get naked. So come on out, take your clothes off, bring your best girl, send her my way, please. That's great. Because my lady's out of town and i am playing video games that's awesome and give a big shout out to one of your biggest uh whole

one of your biggest natures uh one of your biggest british natures callum hutchings callum hutchings shout out to you and a toodaloo tip of the tea in the morning. Wow, very nice and British. I wish Spanish Frank would come back. I know, I loved when Spanish Frank... Oh, they all have bad teeth. Oh, el teethies son baddies. Wow, that accent has really derailed. That is off the map. Oh, I just shedded my sombrero, too.

Now it's filled with peace and cheese. So you pissed and you took a dump in your sombrero. Oh, so fun. Okay. All right. Mike Coscarelli is here as well. Thanks for joining us, Mike. What's up?

Thank you for having me. All right. Well, I think we can just jump right into a news story, Marcus. Should we do it? We should. Let's do it. Bare bones we got going on. I know. Super bare bones.

But you know what? We're going to do it. Talking about bare bones, my cock is out and it's erect. That's a beaut. Except it's hairy, hairy bones. You know what? We're going to do it. Talking about bare bones, my cock is out and it's erect. That's a beaut. Except it's hairy, hairy bones. They call it little Bigfoot. I've heard that. I've heard ladies describe your penis as a little Bigfoot.

Because they didn't even think it was existent. You can't take pictures of it and trust me, hold it. It's tried. It's all blurry and shit. Can you please shave the tip of your penis so that I can suck on it? It's just the tip. You know when you're sucking that guy's dick and you get all the teeth

stuck in, the hair stuck in your teeth? Yeah. Well, actually, yeah, I guess I've gone down on some hairy females in the past and I've had, I've next day pulled a pube out. Me nose. It was really disgusting.

It was one of the grossest post-sex moments of my life because it was all covered in my bug. Yeah. Well, that'll happen. I love it, though. It's fun to get that in the back of your throat there like a popcorn kernel. A little pubic hair popcorn kernel. Nobody likes popcorn kernels.

They suck at their teeth. I love that. They've fared it to another annoying thing. No, that's what I mean. I only eat popcorn hoping that a kernel will get stuck back there. It's my favorite thing to do. It's like to act like a cat.

Yeah. It's great. People don't look at the fun side of popcorn. Getting that old kernel stuck in the back of your throat there. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. An exotic animal owner who made headlines last summer when one of his bears mauled a woman to death has died after apparently choking on a sex toy. Whoa. Interesting.

Sam Mazzola, 49, was found dead in his Columbia Station home on Sunday, face down on a water bed. He was bound to the bed with handcuffs, chains, and padlocks. Mazzola had a sex toy in his throat, which apparently obstructed his breathing. He was also wearing a leather mask with the eyes and mouth zipped shut and a two-piece metal sphere covering his head. Wow. And an empty wallet, for sure. Yeah, no shit.

So someone murdered this guy. Right? Well, apparently according to the story they were given, he had done all of this by request. There was an assistant, but it is under investigation. It appeared that Mazzola died from an accident during sexual role play. Is it

possible to not be into BDSM if you have a waterbed in 2015? I feel like if you have a waterbed, you are definitely a gimp. There's no way around it. I had a waterbed. Well, okay. That explains a lot of things. You're wearing Charles Manson on your shirt.

What does the metal sphere mean? So it's like there's a hole around the neck, right? Does it clamp down around you? Are there any holes? Then why have the gimp mask and the metal sphere? And also, he was choking on the sex toy, so you gotta think, okay, gimp mask first, then sex toy, then metal sphere.

But maybe they put sex toy, then gimp mask, then metal sphere, and that's why he died. I think maybe he just wanted to get dressed up like the Spider-Man villain Mysterio. Which is kind of what that would look like. Was he wearing a purple cape? Yeah. Do they say what was the sex toy?

Do we know? We do not know what the sex toy is. Do we just assume it was dick-shaped? We're going to assume. Or gerbil-shaped. Or gerbil-shaped, right. A plastic gerbil is prone for these sorts of things. Because that would be smaller and it would have the girth.

You could definitely suffocate on that. And if you squeeze on it, it goes... Oh, man. Maybe a butt plug type situation as well. That's possible. What are we looking at, Marcus? What do we see in there? I'm seeing the details of the story.

It says that a teenage co-worker found his body. Why was a teenage co-worker going into this? Well, apparently the assistant, whoever had assisted him with the sexual deviancy, had left the room, in fact, left the residence completely, leaving the man behind to choke on the toy.

This teenage co-worker came to check on Mazzola and found Mazzola dead. He came to check because he had a hunch? Mazzola! I feel like flashes of Mazzola choking on a dildo flash he had a hunch. Wait a second. Mazzola! I feel like, yeah, just flashes of Mazzola choking on a dildo flash through his brain. He's like, I gotta go see Mazzola! What if

it was one of his bears that was the assistant? What if he had trained one of the bears how to do a bear realize how to kill him without getting caught like the last fucking bear? I'm just saying. They gotta do some detective work, go look at all the bears and see if they have that sad animal guilt.

When the animals are guilty, look right in their eyes and they'll tell you. They'll tell you. Wow, this guy definitely has a checkered past. Apparently the bear mauled a woman last year. Mauled her to death, by the way.

Wow. This man apparently kept a menagerie of wolves, tigers, and bears on his property southwest of Cleveland. Jesus. man apparently kept a menagerie of wolves, tigers, and bears on his property southwest of Cleveland. Jesus! I love the word menagerie. I love it so much. And the bear

was euthanized, by the way. But this guy, he drew criticism from animal rights activists because he would let people wrestle with one of the bears. They could pay to wrestle with the bears. Why else do you have bears if you don't let people wrestle with them? Yeah,. Awesome. They could pay to wrestle with the bears. Why else do you have bears if you don't let people wrestle with them? Yeah, what are you going to do, pet them?

Right. No, you're going to put a gimp mask on them and do whatever you please. That's right. That's why you had the padlocks. I mean, what kind of childhood are we talking about here that led to this man? Like, what are we saying here? He was locked in the basement, clearly. What are we saying here?

He was locked in the basement, clearly. Maybe locked in the basement with a Teddy Ruxpin with a Barney tape on repeat inside of it and just fucking went slowly insane. Definitely came all over it. That doesn't sound like he was outdoorsy at all. Not a very outdoorsy guy. Maybe it was like a bear cave and they just kept sucking him off

but beating him at the same time. I mean, I guess if you're going to fuck a bear, it's going to beat your ass. Oh, definitely. For the most part. I guess the waterbed is good, so we know he wasn't cuddling with these animals throughout the night. I feel like it's a safe haven for him,

the waterbed. You can't have any creatures on there whatsoever. They'll poke right through it. It's very dangerous. Sometimes even humans are too much. My friend Pete had a waterbed when I was growing up and I would sleep over at his house in high school because he had two waterbeds and very uncomfortable

and I wet myself once. Yeah, just too close to the slushiness. Yeah, you do it but the thing is when you wet yourself on a waterbed you're just making more bed. So it's kind of fun. It's a little construction project I had. But he wasn't happy.

Oh, man, I had sex on that waterbed once. It was really fun. Oh, okay. I was about to ask about that. Yeah, it's really fun. I would think that would be hijinks. It is hijinks. It's definitely hijinks. But it's good hijinks because you can use the motion of the bed with your hands to make

the woman lull up and down. Yeah, like a chorus. So you don't have to move at all. You just slam on the bed with your hands. That's great. You don't even have to touch the woman. Technically, it's great. Pat it.

Just pat the bed. Yeah. It's a good way to spice up a marriage, too, don't you think? Put a water bed in the bedroom. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah, you put it on the ceiling. It's brilliant.

So you have sex on a mirror, and then you look at... And you look at the waterbed. Cool. That's great. So the guy died, and any charges being brought against the person who helped him,

I guess, reach orgasm? It's under investigation right now, but they are saying that it's accidental. They're initially ruling it as accidental, but there is an investigation going on. They're going to put this dildo on the stand. I want to know what this dildo saw last. Help me!

Get me out of here! Dildo, where were you on the evening of whatever the hell this date was? Fourteen butts in a throat and a bear! Yikes! One bear just walking around with a bloody ass. I'm the bear what took that dildo.

And I'm wearing glasses and I'm wearing a full suit and I would like a little bit of respect for that. Sounds like it comes out of Tequila Mockingbird. The dildo did it. Oh, man. You know, I'm also interested in this story from last year about the bear that this guy owned that mauled to death one of his caretakers. The bear attacked Brent Kandra, 24, when he opened its cage Thursday for routine feeding.

Kandra's father, John, said he and his ex-wife, Deirdre Herbert, needed the bear to die. Whoa. Because after the bear killed the assistant, this guy said that whether the bear would be euthanized or not was up to the family. They said the bear needed to die, and they also said that their son felt shortchanged by Mazzola when payday came around. Mazzola's not paying, you know? Yeah, his father said,

it just seemed like Sam kind of took advantage of my son. I told him a couple times, I really wish you wouldn't work for him. Well, I mean, in his defense, he's got a lot of shit to buy. The chains. Right. The dildos. That's not a shame. And the boots.

And the wolves. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. Jesus. It's the wolves I'm most interested in. He's having all these problems with the bears, but the wolves are going to be the problem next.

Yeah. And tigers. You can't keep a wolf down. Tigers! You can't. Love it, man. Menagerie. Menagerie. Menagerie. Kinky, kinky guy. Well, at least I guess he died doing what he loved.

I just hate this picture of him. The picture of him in the article is like him laying without a shirt on on a bed of grass. Oh my god. This is the guy that was killed. picture of him in the article is like him laying without a shirt on on a bed of grass. This is the guy that was killed. Oh, okay. Oh, well, that's why he was killed. He's enticing. He's enticing the bear.

He's inducing me. He's staring at me. Such a sensual man. Beautiful. You figure a man that poses like that would die with a dildo in his mouth. Yeah, for sure. I'm going to see if I can find a picture of this Sam Mazzola fella. We got to find this dude, man. He's a fatty.

He's fatty with a big neck. Oh, look at him. Fatty with a big neck. This is the guy who died. He's a fatty with a big neck. You know what? He's a very fat man. Man, no wonder he had padlocks again.

It takes a lot to keep that man down. Hence the metal sphere. Because he would just bite right through it. Guys like him need to exist though just so Rosie O'Donnell and Dan Aykroyd can receive praise for Exit to Eden. Because that movie gets no credit. Everybody hates it.

But this dude loved that feature film. And he probably looks similar to Rosie O'Donnell all dressed up in his gimp wear. He looks like a super fat Billy Joel. He is a massive dude. Yeah, it's the sad eyes. With all those wolves, though, I wouldn't have said. Before Fifty Shades of Grey captured America, Exit to Eden was the hottest movie ever, right?

What about The Secretary? Oh, yeah. The Secretary was really good. I threw it on last week. It's still, man. It gets my goat. And it got me juices flowing, as British Todd would say. I think that's the name I gave to it.

No, come on, Frank. I hit a foot. What is Frank's? Oh, you know, I got too many nachos. I put too many nachos on my balls. All my fucking balls are covered in fucking salsa, man. Put some queso on it. Oh, queso on it. Put the queso on it. All right. All my fucking balls are covered in fucking salsa. Put some queso on it. Oh, queso on it. Put the queso on it.

All right. Well, Mexicans work very hard in this country. Oh, they sometimes are lazy. Okay, well. It makes me so happy. Too many, too much Tijuana grass, eh? Right. Tijuana grass? I assume marijuana.

Is that? No. To all of our Mexican listeners, thank you. Thank you for making America great. Tequila. Well, I found more on this story because apparently this story is from 2011. It's a bit dated, but you know what?

If I didn't know about it, then nobody knew about it. A great story is a great story. That's right. This is evergreen. And apparently the boy that found him was the same teen that tied him to the bed. He killed him! It said that Mazzola asked the teen to shackle him to the bed because he anticipated another

man with whom he had a relationship would be coming to his compound later that night. He asked a teenager to do it? Yeah, he asked the kid that he replaced, the guy who got mauled by the bear, this is the kid that replaced that guy, and he asked him to tie him up in this big, I guess, what do you call it, a hullabaloo.

So the guy... Matrix? Yeah, the Matrix. Yeah, Spider's Web. Spider's Web, that's a good one. So the guy that he was seeing would find him there that night as a sort of surprise. Oh, that's kind of cute. I take it back. I mean, you have to time it out much better. Obviously, the guy, you know.

God, and he choked while he was waiting for the guy to come. Yeah. And you know what? I think you can put the blame on the boyfriend. Because it said that Mazzola died between 1 and 2 a.m. Oh my god, he was slain. You can't trust a man. You can't. Not to be on time.

This kid... So the guy got murdered and then this Mazzola guy just put an ad in the paper, help wanted, and then the kid showed up the next day. Teenager. 17 years old. And then I went, did he ask like, so what happened to the other guy? Nah, you don't want to know.

You don't want to know. That's terrible. Yeah. I would have quit if my employer asked me to do this. It's like, all right, I'll feed the wolves, I'll feed the tigers, but I'm not shackling you to a fucking pen. No. Some people really will just take all sorts of shit to make it.

Just to hang out with a tiger, maybe. The economy's rough. It's tough to have a job. You've got a gig like this, you've got to hold on to it. Well, this guy, he was in the process of getting, because he came under a lot of fire for the whole bear wrestling thing. So he was in the process

of getting rid of all of his tigers and whatnot. So all he had left were a few wolves and bears. That's it. Where have you gone wrong in life if you at some point have to be like, how am I going to get rid of all these tigers? What am I going to do with all the bears? That's insane. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and the guy that was killed by the bear, he had 600 wounds on his body. Holy Christ. What did he do to the bear, he had 600 wounds on his body. Holy Christ. What did he do to the bear, though? I am so pro-bear, it's ridiculous. Yeah? I love bears. Especially bear in a cage. Are you fucking kidding me?

Honestly, no. Bear anywhere. I'm pro-bear, too. I'm pro-bear, too. Absolutely. If you get killed by a bear, there's a good chance that you did something wrong. Yeah, you screwed up. Yeah, totally.

Oh, man, the name of this bear, Iroquois. Iroquois? That's a great name for a bear. All right, well, he's not a fucking Native American. I don't think he should be naming all the animals. You're putting him in cages, taking all these animals. He's like, well, if I give them names of the earth, then it makes it okay. Iroquois.

Yeah, if I had a bear, I'd name him Ernie. Yeah, Ernie. Oh, my God, that's a great name for a bear. That's a great name for a bear. I like Iroquois. Ernie, stop taking a dump on the porch. Ernie, put great name for a bear. That's a great name for a bear. I like Iroquois. Ernie, stop taking a dump on the porch. Ernie, put your diaper back on. Ernie, wear the little hat like I told you.

Ernie, put these entrails back in me. Okay. Ernie will listen. Iroquois, you're killing me, Iroquois. Of course, because you named me like a hipster in Park Slope. That's the worst name I've ever heard for a bear. What's the best name besides Ernie? Ernie is pretty good.

Ernie, Bernie, anything that ends with an E-N-E type thing. That's cute for a bear. But not E-N-E. Yeah, that's if you want a cute bear, though. Maybe he wanted this bear to be a killer. Yeah. So we named him Hawkeye. Yeah, but you name him Fucker.

Oh, that's good. Or Big Dumps. Big Dumps. Big Dumps and the bear. Oh, they're huge dumps. Yeah. Giant dumps. Big dumps of the bears. Oh, they're huge dumps. I had some bear dumps this past weekend. I'll tell you what. Yeah, you were eating unhealthy?

Oh my god, so unhealthy. Petey's Burgers. Shout out to Petey's Burgers in Astoria. Feed me every day. Every day, baby. Man, though, if Petey was a bear serving those burgers, I'm in. What are we doing here? What are we talking about?

A chain restaurant with only bears as the clerks and the cooks. It's great. Put a fucking little paper hat on them. Yeah. Gold mine. Yep. Every Hooters should be replaced with a Petey's Bear Restaurant. I'm totally done with that shit, dude.

Wow. This guy, he had a whole slew of charges coming up against him. He faced the possibility of serving time in federal prison if he was determined to have violated the conditions of his probation. On charges, he illegally transported bears for public display and illegally sold skunks in 2007. Oh, not the skunks. Who's buying?

Is this the same guy? Is he just filling a vacuum? He's filling a void here in the marketplace. He's definitely filling a need. The black market animal market is huge. But who's buying a skunk? What do you use a skunk for? Wasn't it skunks that they were selling in Canada

because China uses it for something? I don't... What the fuck is... No, that's a Pepe Le Pew episode. Is that what I'm thinking? Oh, you're right. And they're French. The one where he gets painted accidentally on his back.

Oh my God. Or the girl does. Yeah, the girl does. The girl does. Was she a cat? She was a cat and he was a skunk. And he was also a rapist. Yeah.

Yeah, we're French. He was there. Yes. Pepe Le Pew does not exactly hold up to modern day scrutiny of sexual norms. No. He's a rapist. Honestly, all of them were pretty rough. Speedy Gonzalez can't play that shit anymore.

Well, actually, they can, because what happened was they stopped showing Speedy Gonzalez episodes, and then the Mexican community got angry at them. Because they love Speedy! They started putting it back on. I love that story. That was from 2011, 2010. All these white liberals, you know how stupid they are.

It was like Cartoon Network, right? Yeah, and everyone was like, you've got to pull it. It's racist. And then they didn't realize that Mexican people like to be represented in cartoons. And there's nothing wrong with the idea of somebody named Speedy Gonzalez. He's just a really fast mouse. He's always more clever and quick than the bad guy. Well, if you're going to depict Mexicans in animation, you've got to

make them slow and work in an office. Well, that's his cousin, though. Slowpoke, I think they still have pulled. Slowpoke is a little bit... That's funny. He's drunk. Yes, he is. And a rapist, too. Remember, he always hiccuped the green bubbles?

Yeah, I remember that. They should have just called Looney Tunes the rapists. That's right. Hashtag ban Looney Tunes. I'm done with it. The difference is though, unlike Cosby, Pepe Le Pew, no allegations. No allegations. Zero allegations. That's a good point. They always got

away. I mean, he'd grab them, he'd kiss on them, but there was no insertion. There were no drugs involved. He was like the worst rapist. He was a terrible rapist. You can't say Bill Cosby has excelled at every single thing he has attempted to do, including attempted rape. Bill Cosby's...

Alright, moving on! We're touching on the current hard point that everybody's talking about. Oh yeah, Bill Cosby. He's trending now, so that's big. I don't know. Next story. Bill Cosby, more like Bill Frosby.

I agree with that 100%. I don't agree with that one. More like Bill fucking, you didn't do everything right. You should have acted different. You should have changed the Animaniacs name to the Dirty Rapist. Filthy. Salooni Tunes are the Rapists, and then the Animaniacs are the Dirty Rapists. What about the Tiny Tunes?

Professional Woman Huggers. Oh, that's the worst. The Tiny Tunes should be called. That's the worst. And Muppet Babies should be called the fucking Molesties. Oh, Molesties. Oh, baby, I'll molest you. All right, Marcus.

Marcus, let's bring it back to where we're not being bad. Here we go. Louie, a life-size ceramic amusement park clown that disappeared from the now-defunct Joyland Park in Wichita, Kansas almost a decade ago, has been found at the home of a sex offender who once worked at the amusement center. Louie, decked out in his colorful garb was reintroduced

to the public at a briefing at the Wichita Police Department. Sporting bright red smiling lips and bright blue eyebrows and cheeks, Louie was propped up in a chair by the podium, his hands planted firmly on the table. Okay, we're talking about an inanimate object, right? Why are they describing it

like it's real, like it has a soul? Reintroduced because they missed him. I think they really liked this clown. Oh yeah, Wichita Police Department Detective Matt Lang, who recalled seeing Louie as a child, told reporters that a phone tip led to the discovery of the 50-year-old clown. Louie's

disappearance had almost turned into an urban legend over the years, as locals speculated as to his whereabouts. years the populated animated clown could be found at joyland perched in front of a whirlitzer organ swaying back and forth with the music greg kite president of the historic preservation alliance of wichita and sedgwick county said he was intriguing a little scary looking at his face and hands moving and tantalizing. You always had the opposing feelings of excitement and a little fear. Joyland closed in 2004. Louie, valued by police at around $10,000.

In Wichita money, that's a lot. He was recovered on Tuesday by police searching a residence in central Wichita belonging to Damien Mays, a former park employee who built and renovated organs. Mays, 39, is serving a prison sentence on a 2010 conviction in Harvey County for aggravated indecent liberties with a child and aggravated criminal sodomy. So he's a pedophile. Facebook postings apparently made inadvertently by Mays' sister help lead police to Mays' residence and therefore Louis the Clown.

So the cops are like Tommy Lee Jones in No Country for Old Men. They're just trying to get... Tommy Lee Jones was in No Country, right? Yeah. And he was trying to catch that dude, Harvey R. Bardem. Yeah. And so the officers are like that in this situation. Yeah, and then Harvey R. Bardem was like, Tom is a

flat, sir. Harvey R. Bardem. Who's going to win the Oscar this year for No Country for Old Men? Oh, it's me! There will be blood at the Oscars. Spanish Frank, what are you doing at the Oscars this year? Oh, make a pee-pee in tequila bottle.

You should go to the bathroom. Oh, my speech. I'd like to thank Sombrero. There's more to the Mexican people than just the tops. A rich culture. A very rich culture. I should go someday.

Yeah, you would fit right in. I should really find out what they do down there, because my thing is they do three things. They wear sombreros that are too big for reds. They drink too much. Check. And they don't work a lot as barbacks. Check. I don't know. In Mexico, I'm not sure't work a lot as barbacks. I don't know.

In Mexico, I'm not sure if they do work as barbacks. I think white gringos work as barbacks. In Mexico, cultural differences. I'm not sure that's true. I doubt that's true. We are not allowed in that country. That's right. So these cops finally cracked this 20-year-old case.

This is a boring place to be an officer. In Ohio, the neighboring state, there's people with bears and coyotes and choking on dildos, and then these cops have to deal with nothing but a stolen car. I don't know, man. In Wichita, Kansas, it's all been downhill since BTK. That's right. And those cops were terrible. The hot dog squad.

Hot dog squad. That was where Detective Popcorn was born. Originated, one might say. Which one do you think is creepier? The guy who stole the clown or the guy who has the bears and died with a dildo in his mouth? Gotta be the clown, right?

Well, the guy who stole the clown is a pedophile, so he's creepier. The other guy didn't really do anything extremely wrong except for, you know, plant the seeds for a bear to eat a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was, you know, it was all consenting adults worked out in that situation. Late consenting adults

who said they were going to be there at 1.05 and didn't show up until 2.30 and that was a bit past. Here's the clown here. Creepy clown. Oh, God. But of course a pedophile has a creepy clown. Oh, and it's animatronic.

It does that? Yeah, it's animatronic. And the guy, a pedophile has a creepy clown. Oh, and it's animatronic. It does that? Yeah, it's animatronic. And the guy, the pedophile was the guy who maintained and built the organs at Joyland Amusement Park. The organs is an organ machine, like what an old Catholic church has. Yeah, like a Wurlitzer. I'm loving it. You just fucking hummed the McDonald's theme song And I immediately knew

Marketing I immediately knew to say I'm loving it And I didn't want to say I'm loving it But my brain was like oh this is where you say I'm loving it I didn't want to do the song I just started humming the tune and that was the first one that happened Oh my god you're owned by McDonald's Did not everybody think I'm loving it

As soon as he did that Nah I'm a Burger King boy God No, I'm a Burger King boy. God damn it. I'm a Burger King boy. I'm a Burger King boy. Mr. McNeely, once again, we will not be accepting your theme song for our commercial campaign. I want onions on it and tomatoes. I'm a Burger King boy. We're just going to go with a different theme this season.

French fries taste like dookies too. Yeah, whatever stuff we want people to associate our french fries with. Needs more salt. That's actually good. I always have to put salt on the fries at Burger King. Do you really? Unnecessary. You're not extra salt

at your fucking Burger King fries, right? Oh, absolutely. They don't have enough salt. They do! McDonald's always has enough salt. They're the worst on the fries, for sure. What? Yeah, Burger King fries, right? Oh, absolutely. They don't have enough salt. They do! McDonald's always has enough salt. They do. They're the worst. I'm with you. They're the worst fries, for sure. What? Yeah, Burger King, yeah, they're not salty enough. I like Burger King for the big-ass Whopper, motherfucker. Whopper, Whopper. Slathered in mayonnaise.

I'm a fan of the chicken sandwich. The long one? Yeah, I like that one, too. You know, the onion ring sauce is the jam. Lick it up, lick it up. Come on down to Burger King. Every Fridays and Saturdays we've got naked girls there. Oh my God. No, that's not true.

Marcus is owned by McDonald's. You can't talk about this. I'm owned by McDonald's. Where'd you get it? Go! I'm loving it. Oh, yeah. I had a coach in high school,

Coach Haka, and he was about 450 pounds. They were all fat, all my coaches, and he would get Whopper Wednesday, three Whoppers and a Diet Coke. Whoa!

And all he would do was slam Diet Coke, and I was like, it is not working. You are morbidly obese. Youopper Wednesday three Whoppers and a Diet Coke and all he would do was slam Diet Coke and I was like it is not working you are morbidly obese you gotta stop with the Whoppers three Whoppers

three fucking Whoppers you know what though that's a lot of protein if you're working out but he wasn't working out he was sitting maybe he was a power lifter that's why he's fat

maybe in senior year of high school we got to leave campus for lunch and I finally got the girl that I had the biggest crush on to go with me to Wendy's for lunch, and I ordered the wrong number. I ordered a number three when that's the right number at McDonald's,

but the wrong number at Wendy's ended up being like a giant triple patty gross hamburger. So I'm on this date. I'm trying to be with it. I'm trying to connect with this girl. The fact that you call it a date is just really sad. It was like a little, you know, whatever. I'm just covered in mayo and ketchup. The burger is just disgusting.

She's just laughing at me the whole time. It's a memory. I'll always remember that moment. Honestly, Holden, you eat disgusting. Oh, my God. Can you imagine me getting the wrong thing? It was giant and just covered in sauces and shit. She was like going to throw up.

Did you kiss her? No, never. Of course not. I never touched her. Actually, I did end up kissing her years and years later in New York when she fell in love with me. Sounds like a lie. Yep. Sounds like a lie. No, it happened. Big lie.

It might have happened though. I want that guy who I thought might be successful in high school, but now Sounds like a lie. No, it happened. Big lie. Yeah. This might have happened, though. Oh, yeah. I'm looking. I want that guy who I thought might be successful in high school, but now that I know he's not, I want him now. Ooh, maybe we'll put some mayonnaise on his lips. Yeah, I want that guy with all the mayonnaise all over his fingers. It was so gross. She was just laughing at me.

Just laughing and laughing at me. Just trying to deal with this burger. But what meal is the kind of burger that you pick it up and it immediately falls apart in your hands because it's so goddamn soggy? Honestly, right now, it sounds pretty great. Oh, man. I think it's a great meal to eat alone. It's the kind of burger that you pick it up and it immediately falls apart in your hands because it's so goddamn soggy. Honestly, right now it sounds pretty great. I think it's a great meal to eat alone. It's like soup. What meal were you intending to get that you thought was going to be super romantic?

Just the single patty burger. Oh, just a single patty. Yeah, and keep it real clean and nice. It was obviously a number one. I would hate a number three. Because the numbers are different from McDonald's to Wendy's. You've got gotta look. There's a picture.

Hold it. The number 3 was like the quarter pounder at McDonald's. But the number 1 was the quarter pounder. And I'd just been eating at McDonald's so much. I used to eat at McDonald's like every other day. Did you walk in there with a blind walking stick with your eyes closed? And just start shouting the number 3? I was on the date.

I was like, give me number 1. I'm trying to pay attention to her needs. She just happened to say yes to go to lunch because she was alone. She tried to find her needs. She did not want to be there with me. Of course not. I'm trying to pay attention to her needs. She just happened to say yes to go to lunch because she was alone. She did not want to be there with me. Of course not. I had a hubris. I was like, remember Friday is our little day to go to lunch.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. I vomited a little bit inside of my mouth. Monday. She would turn to all of her girlfriends and be like, you've got to get me out of this, please. No, no, no. Last time he said it was cancer, and everybody knows that was a lie. You can't get out of it this time.

You can only die in a car accident twice, so you're not going to fool me again. We're still good for that Wendy's date this week. Oh, my God, Holden. This poor woman. High school is the worst thing of all time, and I just transported it into her brain. Monday, Holden was like, hey, you want to go out on Friday? Let's go to Wendy's. She's like, yeah, yeah, whatever, yeah. And then Tuesday,

can't wait for our date on Friday. Yeah, yeah, Wendy's. Well, you know, I used to walk up to her at the end of the school day when everyone was packing up in the lockers and be like, so you going to call me tonight? And she'd be like, oh, I'm really busy. I got a lot going on. Then I'd just start slamming my head against the locker and go, you going to call me tonight? You going to call me tonight? And she'd be like, oh, I'm really busy. I got a lot going on. Then I'd just start slamming my head against the locker and go,

you gonna call me tonight? You gonna call me tonight? Everybody would stop and stare and she's like, just stop it. Just stop it. Fine, I'll call you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, alright. Alright. Catch you on the buggin' later, tater. Yep. She committed

suicide two weeks later. Oh my God. Good Christ. High school is brutal, man. I remember middle school was worse when I took the girl that clearly was not into me to go see Nell. And I put my arm

around her and she leaned forward. It was like when you're already watching a fucking piece of garbage like it's back when you would go to movies just to get out of the house so you were 11 maybe i guess yeah you went to nell at 11 i tried to put my arm around her and she leaned forward yeah because she wanted to go watch fucking rugrats or something you were 11 oh it was terrible rats i don't know what 11 year olds like.

You were dating at 11 though. That's pretty impressive. It wasn't a date. Did she know? No, he didn't take her to Wendy's. It wasn't official. Alright. So this guy, he stole a clown and he's a pedophile. That's about it. Let's move on to our next

story. Jackie's corner. I just imagine, it's about it. Let's move on to our next story. What do you got? Jackie's Corner. I just imagine, it's like, think of all the possibilities of what a pedophile could do with that clown. I'm not talking Gacy, which is like, he was the real deal clown. But I'm saying, like, you gotta use that as like a puppet. Like, at least put

your hands inside of it and grope at girls. Or, put it back in front of the piano thing and put a bunch of cameras inside of it. Little upskirt things. Why don't you just lace all of Joyland? There's so many ways to get fucking hot

young chicks if you're working at Joyland. It is still Kansas though. I think that he wanted boys. Does that mean he's not smart? No, hot girls. I'm talking about 11-year-olds. I feel like we're talking about boys here.

I think he wanted to moleste the boys. A moleste on the boys! I don't know why that's the case. But I immediately feel, as soon as I hear pedophile, I always think the man molested boys. Although criminal sodomy is probably boys, right? Gotta be. No, no, no. Well, sodomy is also anal and oral.

That's what sodomy is considered. But criminal, what is that? Like with a jackhammer? Or a normal hammer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like a fork. Jackie, you know, sex doesn't have to actually involve a hammer. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not necessary. Yeah, but I like just threatening with it. It's like, come at me. Why'd you fucking come at me? Right. And then I just force his head down my pants. Poor, poor Doug.

Poor boy. He's so excited to be at practice every week. What are you fucking saying to me? Nothing. Doug loves you. We're like, I don't know, Doug. They're like, please don't hit me with that hammer. I'll have sex with you.

Please don't hit me with that hammer. I'll have sex with you. Please don't hit me with that hammer. I keep threatening to cut off his penis. And he said, like, do you guys know the, what's the Bobbitt, Lorena Bobbitt song? Lorena Bobbitt? It's like when she's like, in the kitchen, the little kitchen, Lorena Bobbitt gets a knife. A wiener whack, a wiener whack, a wiener whack, a wiener whack. I never heard that. I've heard that parody song before. It's a knife. A wiener whack, a wiener whack, a wiener whack, a wiener whack. I never heard that.

I've never heard that parody song before. Yeah, there's more to it, but I guess it was Doug's father's favorite song. That's great. And his mother was singing at him all the time, coming at him with a knife, and I think that's kind of fun. Yeah, I mean, Lorena Bobbitt's a hero in a lot of ways. The guy that she cut the dick off of was a total piece of shit. He tried to go on and do porn. He's a real schmuck, and he's just recently been arrested for domestic violence, I believe.

Yeah, John Wayne Bobbitt. Terrible. Started a movie called Franken-Cock, I think. Yeah, Franken-Wiener or Franken-Dick or something. Yeah, Franken-Wiener's about a dog. Yeah, yeah.

It's a Tim Burton movie. If you jack off to that, you're odd. Yeah. Oh, by the way, aggravated sodomy is sodomy with a child who is under 14 years of age. Oh, right. No, but is sodomy is sodomy with a child who is under 14 years of age.

No, but is that same as criminal? Okay, that's aggravated criminal sodomy. It's also causing a child under 14 years of age to engage in sodomy with any person or animal. Interesting. All right, so that's good to know. Let's just try to not do any of that. Yeah, I feel like we'll be all that. I think I can do that. I think I'll be able to lie on my deathbed and say I've never done criminal sodomy.

And you don't regret it. I love the idea of not doing it. I'm a big fan of not doing that. Oh, man. I'm looking into Joyland Amusement Park. I bet it's creepy as fuck. The park was founded by a man named Lester Ottaway with his sons Herbert and Harold. Oh, Jesus.

There is some fucking bear names right there, boys. Herbert the Bear. There's bones in the ice cream there for sure. Terrified. That place is awful. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, it's just pretty much an abandoned piece of shit now. It's been abandoned since 2004.

Cool. We got to do a last podcast mission there. We got to go check out a nice old abandoned amusement park. Yeah, we got fucking lots of fireworks up in that fucking amusement park. You can come, hold it. Yeah, the three of you guys

with baseball bats just like swinging at things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Break called ladies to that fucking

amusement park, fuckers. Order a bunch of pizzas there and leave. You sound like the idiot from Eastbound and Down.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I love that dude. I kind of look like him for a second, too. I mean, every second of his life. Rest in peace that Mr. Whittles,

he was the 30-year-old who OD'd this week, who wrote a lot of Eastbound and Down. I didn't hear about him before, and that was very sad. Very sad about that myself. One of my favorite little podcasts was Analyze Fish. And he was on it?

It was him trying to convince Scott Ackerman that fish is good. Oh, really? I didn't know that you knew, I didn't know that you were a fan of his. Yes, I was. I got really sad about his heroin overdose this past week.

Yeah, man. Getting real for a second. Don't do not overdose on heroin. It's just so fucking funny. Heroin's like, doesn't make you funny, dude. No. You know?

Coke does, though. At least do coke. I mean, it's like, at least it's always gonna make you more fun. I guess if you're fun all the time. Like us. You don't need it. Lay off the heroin if possible.

Alright, everyone. You can't avoid it. You know, I mean, people These are things that we must avoid. People have addictions. The choice really is ours. It is.

Well, I've got a story that kind of has something to do a little bit with heroin. At the very least, it has to do with deadly drugs. A German former nurse who admitted to killing more than 30 patients by administering lethal injections so he could try to revive them, apologized to the families of his victims. The man, identified only as Niels H. under Germany's court reporting rules, has been on trial since September, accused of three murders and two attempted murders.

The 38-year-old said he is honestly sorry and hoped the families would find peace if he was convicted. Following his arrest, Niels H. told police that he killed the patients because, quote, he was convicted. Following his arrest, Niels H. told police that he killed the patients because, quote, he was bored. That's insane. Oh, you're sorry? Don't sweat it.

It's fine, dude. He said usually the decision to do it was relatively spontaneous. He's a real improv. He's a real improv kind of guy. He says the deaths occurred at the Delman Horst Clinic where he worked in the intensive care unit. A psychiatric expert last month said Niels H. had

admitted to killing the patients by injecting them with an overdose of heart medication that lowers blood pressure. He also admitted to over-medicating another 90 patients, 30 of whom died. The man's plan was to trigger medical emergencies so he could demonstrate what he believed were excellent

resuscitation skills. He told the courtroom there was a tension there and an expectation of what would happen next. He said he felt thrilled when he managed to resuscitate a patient and devastated when he failed. The weird thing is if you are choking or you're going through some sort of stroke or something, this is

the guy you want by you. He has a lot of experience resuscitating people who are going to become a corpse if he doesn't. I don't know, man. His record is one in three. That's not terrible. I mean, that's his ratio, one in three. He gave him a drug that was supposed to kill him. He did beat the drug.

Yeah, but sometimes it's said that also every once in a while, if he succeeded in reviving the patient, he'd do it a second time. This is one of the creepiest things that happens all the time. There was the guy in the UK, Dr. Death, who murdered Harold Shipman. Over 200. And there was another guy, I watched

it on the Discovery Channel. He just traveled all around America and killing these people because he felt like he was playing God and stuff. This is one of the creepiest things serial killers do. The hospital nurse serial killer is an intense, weird-ass kind of killer because he doesn't get sexual satisfaction out of it. Although I bet he's hard about almost getting caught, though, right? Maybe.

I mean, you're in it. It's very easy with your name on the clipboard that you are attached to the person in the bed. Oh yeah, I'd imagine he definitely gets some sort of sexual satisfaction. He claimed that each time a patient died from the overdose, he vowed to never do it again. Even if he didn't get sexual satisfaction, I guarantee he got

chubbed. But he's also treating it the exact same way I treat ordering Domino's pizza. I'm always just like, I'm never gonna do it again, so I better get four pizzas now. And then the next day I do it the exact same way I treat ordering Domino's pizza. I'm always just like, I'm never going to do it again, so I better get four pizzas now. And then the next day, I do it the same goddamn thing. Yeah. Yeah, man. I will murder some Domino's pizza. Did you do it this weekend?

Yeah. I do it every weekend. I can't get enough of Domino's pizza and it's so sad. Brooklyn has the best pizza in the entire world, minus Italy. Oh, man. Papa John's just started advertising that bacon cheeseburger pizza. Oh my God, dude. And fucking Little Caesars has a bacon wrap.

I'm loving it. I love it. This is awful. It's my favorite, dude. If they were paying us to say these things, I'd be fine with it. Come on out to Burger King. Oh, remember me? Yay!

Yay! Eat the tacos, you the gay man. You the gay man, the Spanish Frank. Thank you, Spanish Frank. That's awesome. I love it so much. Would you say that you are loving it? No, I wouldn't.

I would not say that. Well, Marcus, I'm going to tell you, I'm loving it. I'm loving it. He's loving it. I got to say it. Bring it back. Ben, that used to be your catchphrase. I'm loving it?

Yeah. I love your catchphrases. Every two months, I change it up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah I gotta say. Bring it back. Ben, that used to be your catchphrase. I'm loving it? Yeah. I love your catchphrases. Every two months, I change it up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right now, is it still hot stuff? Hot stuff is done.

Hot stuff's done. Hot stuff is over with. I don't know what the new one's gonna be. You know one that I thought didn't get it? I loved Heller. What was it? Heller. Heller. Heller is good, but it's come and gone.

I don't know. German nurse killing a bunch of hospital patients. How about Paint My Cock Brown? Paint My Cock Brown is very good. But that's an ass fucking thing, right? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting.

Back into it, make it brown. Yep. It's a poo-poo pickle, and we'll have to have Henry back on to sing the poo-poo pickle song once again. Oh, yeah, don't we miss him so much? Don't we miss him? Couldn't he be here instead of one of us? No way.

Well, let's not get upset here. Someone on the live chat suggested that your new catchphrase should be, handle your candle. Thank you? That's not, why are you ending it? That's a nice one. Handle your candle? Yeah, because we're your tiny, tiny peeny.

Candles are big. No, not a pillar. No, pillar candles are big. T-lamps are really small. Tapered candles? What about Yankee candles? No, those are in jars. I'm talking about one of the long ones.

Like the Mother Teresa candles you can get at some of the... You're talking about the Catholic candles. The ones you put into a knob. A knob for a candle. Candle stick. Candle stick. Candle stick holder for $1,000, Jackie. I'll tell you what,

I want to hate fuck Wendy from the commercials. I agree with that. I'd love to hate fuck that bitch. Why hate fuck her? Just fuck fuck. Oh, I just want to open her up and make her sad. I don't even know where to say handle your candle. Handle your candle?

When do you say handle your candle? When you're talking to your boys. Handle your candle? Yeah. What the fuck does that even mean? It means don't get wax on your balls. Yeah, handle your candle, don't get wax on your balls. And don't let your dick on fire.

And don't let your cock on fire. Yeah. Just keep your candle under control. Handle your candle. Handle your candle. You know, I love it. I love it. How about, hey, it's me, Jerry Seinfeld.

That one. And now I'm very rich. I would love it. Yeah, so that concludes our first and last candle portion of the show. And hopefully for the roundtable, in roundtable history, that'll be the most we'll ever talk about candles. I do love a Yankee candle, though. Yankee candles are great. Candles are great.

Mothers love Yankee candles. If you want to make your mother happy for Christmas, get her a Yankee candle. She sent me a Yankee candle for Christmas. Give a boyfriend a Yankee candle. Everyone loves a candle. It's awesome. You either get a long one, thin and long, or short and fat. Are you talking about a short and fat and a

big cup and a mug kind of thing? What's the other one called? Candlestick holder. Tapir? Tapir is that weird African animal with the long nose. It's a tapir. No, it's an elephant. No, tapir. Tapir. What the hell is happening? A large herbivorous mammal

similar in shape to a pig with a short pre-ensal snout tapirs inhabit jungle and forest regions of South America, Central America and Southeastern Asia Now is Russia in the Czech Republic or it once was the Czech Republic? I don't think it was ever the Czech Republic

Russia's Russia Oh okay, Czech Republic's different. Yeah, they've got different names. And it's where checkers came from. But the Ottoman Empire isn't where the furniture was created, correct? No, no, no. But they wear pants. I don't think they did.

And Prussia is gone, right? Prussia's been gone for a real long time. What about bitch country? No, that's live and well, baby. It's right over here in this seat. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Jackie Bitch Country Zabrowski.

Hey, it's me, Louis C.K. Wow, it's nice to have you, Louis. Nice to have you here. Alright, Marcus, so this story is over with. What was it? I didn't even know what the hell we were talking about. Let's play that game. What was it?

How do we go from candles to candles from the goddamn nurse who killed 30 people? Handle your candle. Yeah. Live chat keeps it real. What are they saying right now? Hoes, right? Just a lot of hoes. They're saying Holden should be, look, I shaved.

Holden should be, look, I shaved. Holden should be, look, I shaved. That's the last thing you said. Oh! Look, I shaved, dad. Honestly, of all the things Holden does do, it is shave. I shave. I get over all that crust and stuff, but I mean, you put a bucket under my chin when

I'm done with that shave. I'll tell you much, because it's going to collect some blood. If you've ever seen The Simpsons where Homer takes a bunch of marijuana and shaves When I'm done with that shave, I'll tell you much, because it's going to collect some blood. Or a feed bag. If you've ever seen The Simpsons where Homer takes a bunch of marijuana and shaves and rainbows come out of his face with all the cuts that he puts on his face with the razor, that's what Holden looks like. But it's not because...

That was a long shot of a joke. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't a joke. It was a reference. Thank you, Mike. You're welcome. Handle your candle. Handle your candle. Handle your candle.

All right, I'm over talking. Who's getting it who right now? Who wants to throw it down right now? The gauntlet. What's the gauntlet? I don't know, man. Maybe we got some beef. I like everyone here.

Who's got beef? I got no beef. I got a beef with you, Jackie. You do have a beef? I thought we resolved that beef. I got no beef. I got a beef with you, Jackie. You do have a beef? I thought we resolved that beef. Starting to heat up again. One time, I was drinking a bunch of Four Locos and I fell down a flight of stairs

and you hit me, Jackie, and then you went flying into a car and hit your head. What are you fucking talking about? You fell on me as you fell. He fell down the stairs, took me with him and then used me as a sled down the rest of the stairs and smashed my head into a car.

That is a deep cut memory, man. I haven't seen that a long time. I can't believe I didn't die. That was one of those times when you realize Ben's kind of dangerous. He's so big. He's just so big. Really could have died that night.

Man, your life would have been really different. Dude, I would be in jail right now. Yeah, hardcore jail. What are you in for? I'd be like, yeah, she was in my way. Man, those few months when we were all drinking Four Loko, that was a dangerous summer. I'm big to streets, man, because everybody was drinking Four Loko. My knuckles were bloody for days on end.

I'm just punching things. Oh, yeah, I'm like very I'm just punching things. Oh yeah, I'm like small government, dude. I don't think they do a lot of good work and I don't like laws but that one, they banned that one. I was on board.

Four Loko was dangerous. The streets were wild. Yeah, they really were. Four Loko single-handedly shut down Rutgers Fest at Rutgers. I remember like yeah, I swear to God

because I went I had a bunch of friends that went to Rutgers and Rutgers Fest was this big party. This big like festival, music festival party. And it's in New Brunswick. I remember walking around the corner the year

before they closed down Four Locos. And there was just some kid that had like blood pouring down half of his face. It was a fucking free-for-all. It was insane. If you had a Four Loco. Noon. Dude, that's the thing. You got so hopped up. If you weren't a Juggalo If you had a Four Loko... Dude, that's the thing. You got so

hopped up. If you weren't a Juggalo before you drank a Four Loko, you were afterwards. Everybody acted like ICP fans. I just wanted to scream like, I'm going to bash some heads! You had to! God damn, that drink was

intense. Now I feel like I want to bash some heads just thinking about that And if you want to hear all of us Fucked up on Four Loko you can go back To Roundtable Classic and listen to episode 22 where we all drink Four Loko What episode is this Marcus

This is 233 Jesus Christ Wow That was the episode where Jackie said, I want to be written like a puppet. I don't remember it. I don't think I remember anything from the Four Loko podcast. I don't remember a lot from this show, to be quite honest.

I just say it and then pretend like, you know, we're just talking. We're just talking in this room. That's all, man. Yeah. Fuck it. All right, Marcus, let's move on to another story. All right. A prank caller fooled two Circle K employees in Globe, Arizona, into destroying the convenience

store so severely that it temporarily shut down. The loyal-to-a-fault workers believed they were abiding by the guidance of a security company, and they caused about $30,000 in damage before figuring out the trick. Sergeant A.J. Castaneda said they thought they were acting righteously in terms of following directions from security. The call came in around 8 p.m. Wednesday. The prankster posed as Circle K's corporate security, claiming that a silent fire alarm was going off

and giving instructions to contain the crisis. The caller told the employees to discharge fire extinguishers in the store, throw the extinguishers through the windows, and destroy merchandise, computers, registers, and security televisions, all of which they did. This shit is rampant, man. I mean, this is, um,

what was the name of that movie based on the true story about the fast food restaurant where they... Oh, yes. I think you're thinking of the Robin Williams episode of Law & Order SVU. No, no, no.

Compliance is the name of it, and it's a true story. Disturbing as fuck. Yeah, they call up the fast food, and they tell them that they're police, and then these people follow the orders like... I thought it was do the right thing. That's the one I was thinking of. Yeah, they call in. They tell the manager that the cashier there is under investigation.

The manager takes the cashier into the back room, and then the prankster eventually convinces the cashier to rape the woman. Whoa. I mean, the manager to rape the woman. Jesus Christ. It is like one of those moments like, oh, man. It is. Oof. Watch the fuck out of it.

It's great. It makes my clit confuse. Yeah, it's a great movie. Do you think it's a little bit hot, Jackie? I mean, in most terms, I would think it's hot, but that term, it's not. Not right. Yeah. And all of this happened in the Circle K store in less than five minutes.

Yeah. That's how long it took this guy to convince these kids to cause $30,000 of damage, which caused the store to be closed for 12 hours before being reopened with boarded windows. Yeah, it's that whole authority thing, you know, it's like the electroshock test that they did where they had people or the, not Stanford

Prison, the mills. Is that what it was? I think so. Where they were like instructing people to send electric shocks to a person. Even though there wasn't actual electric shocks happening, the person was an actor. Milgram.

They were able to convince people, the Milgram test, they were able to convince people, just if there is an authority figure speaking to you, and that's why, fuck the police, man. But you know, the saddest thing about that entire study was like, oh yeah, we're learning how many, you know, what it's going to take for people to hurt another person, but really the saddest thing is people

auditioned for that role to be the screaming person who was getting shot and they thought it was going to advance their career. And it did not. It did not. Like, what were you? I was subject number three in the Milgram test. Do you want me to remind you of it? Ah! That was me. Yeah. Ah!

That was me. Well, what most people don't talk about is that the majority the vast majority of people didn't do it it was a very small subset of people who uh sat there and shocked the person until they died oh until they died yeah because that was the whole that was the whole uh purpose of the experiment is that they would keep telling they told the person that on the other end that the person had a heart condition and so they would keep anytime the person said all right buzz them again buzz them again buzz them again the person would scream louder and louder until finally they would go silent uh you know pretty much saying the person either passed or dead but they'd keep sitting there and shocking them over and over

again until after presumably the person on the other end was deceased and then after that they convinced him to get a blow job from a falcon. Yeah. And that was when things really got steamy. That was the hot part of it. It was the sexual experiment. Very good. All right, so this person just called up this store and told them to trash everything.

He seems confused. I guess I was also just thinking about a hawk or a falcon giving a blowjob and how much it would hurt. It's more of a beak job. They got little tongues in there. A lot of teeth. Do they have teeth? No, a lot of beak. But they got one big sharp one

that would really cut your dick. Yeah, I keep thinking of a toucan salmon and the Trix rabbit. They're fucking gross with each other. You don't ever hear has there ever been a bestiality story involving a flying animal? Involving a bird or an ostrich?

I don't know. I think their holes are too small. Unless you, because also what hole do you rub them off? How do you even get your fingers in them? I mean, I hate to bring it up, but people fucked babies before, you know? You can find the hole on a baby.

You can't find the hole on a bird. Where are its ears? I shouldn't have brought it up. Where is it? I mean, you can see, but like the butt. It's like, I guess you get a straw up there. Well, I did find something. In China.

Medico-legal aspects of sexual crimes and unusual sexual practices by Dr. Anil Argwal. They note that bestial acts involving birds are mostly found in mythology and folklore, like when Zeus turned into a goose and raped a woman. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, that sentence really flows nice. When Zeus turned into a goose and raped that woman. Actually, it's a swan. I take that back. When Zeus turned into a swan and raped the woman. It'd be funny if it was a goose. Yeah.

Of course, girl. Ooh, goosey. You're so fun. You're so crazy. I'll tell you, that parrot doesn't get enough respect. They can talk. They're smart. It's pretty cool.

People fuck chickens. Oh, it's a man who fucks pink flamingos. Yeah, pink flamingos. John Waters is one of my all-time favorite directors. He's a personal idol of mine. And he was talking about people were really upset when that chicken got fucked to death during Pink Flamingos. And he said, you know what? Everyone who wants to demonize me for having that chicken get fucked to death, I made that chicken a star.

You know what? And he did. That chicken was the most famous chicken in the history of chickens. I made that chicken a star. You know what? And he did. That chicken was the most famous chicken in the history of chickens. In the 13th century,

John Waters' act of eating that chicken would have been considered worse than not eating it. Check this out. In the 13th century, bestiality laws were different between having sex with a mammal and with an avian. Avian sex was seen as a much less serious offense

because fowl were less costly to replace than farm animals, but eating the bird after making love to it was frowned upon and could land you with two or three years of fasting. Well, because you've got to treat it with respect. Two or three years of not eating? Two or three years of not eating. Water. Jesus.

Yeah, maybe some grain every once in a while or gruel. I love that for a punishment. This country needs that kind of punishment. Forget putting people in prison and have them eat government cheese. We need to start forcing people not to eat for two years, three years. The Marquis de Sade said

that he saw in a Parisian brothel a woman having sex with a turkey. He said... Did the turkey pay her? You know, maybe the turkey got a big payday that day. Won the lottery. The girl holds the bird's neck locked between her thighs. You have her ass straight ahead of

you for prospect, and she cuts the bird's throat the same moment you discharge. Discharge sounds disgusting. It's decide, man. It's gonna be some weird shit. You get into that decide. How do chickens make all their money?

By playing the scratch-offs. And it's time for a segment for a whole thing. Here we go. That's it by playing the scratch-offs. How do chickens make all their money, Jackie? By playing the scratch-offs. No, they play scratch-off games because they scratch.

Uh-oh, who's there? It's Grandma Haney! Oh? It's Grandma Haney! Oh, it's Grandma Haney! Great. Well, see you later! Goodbye. Okay, that was it. Bye, Grandma Haney.

Bye, Grandma Haney. Yeah, Grandma Haney. She just stopped by for a little visit. All right, the segment with Holder McNeely. I'll tell you, that scratch-off joke with the chickens, that is funny. Yeah. That is funny stuff. Cluck, cluck.

Yep. We have to do it. Yeah, we gotta do it. I didn't think of it. You have to make up a movie for the best picture category at the Oscars. It's our own round table Oscars

or the Roskers if you're counting your money right now. My movie, my pick for my best movie, I put a lot of time into this. I'm a real Weinstein over here. Yeah. A real Jew. And my movie that I made this year, it's about the first mentally deficient person that went to space and he's gay gay but he can't come out

because it's the 1700s and they're building a rocket. It's kind of some steampunk kind of stuff or whatever. Very period piece. Retarded guy. You're taking all of the recipe for an Oscar. You're just taking all of it. The big line is, oh May!

May's the girl he's in love with the whole movie. Oh May! Someday! I who's in love with the whole movie. Oh, May! Someday I'ma make it to the moon! And I love you, May! Alright. I can't be with you because you're drooling all over yourself right now.

Sad. I see the moon in your aisles! Alright. In your aisles. In eye eye holes essentially all right now that's the movie the big climax um is he turns out he was a slave master and the slaves revolt okay fine very good it was the 1700s so yeah that yeah yeah and it's called that ookie Gookie Kooky Moon Subtitle Yeah but it's fine in the context It's just

Yes when you say it It's negative towards a race of people Alright Mike It's my turn It's your turn to come up with an Oscar movie Please Marcus I've been trying to I think Pauly Shore is due for a comeback. I agree with that.

He is. So he is going to star in, he's going to be gay Edgar Allen Poe. Ooh. Oh. All right. Isn't that just Edgar Allen Poe? Maybe. No, no, no, no.

Edgar Allen Poe loved fucking his cousin. Yeah. Yeah, he was married to his 14-year-old cousin. We share a birthday. Okay. Very good. So the movie is going to be just about Edgar Allen Poe doing everything that he normally does, except he's gay.

Ooh. And he's hiding it, right? Nah. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open.

He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open. He's open to gay. It's just gay. But what's he overcoming? Nothing. Perfect. Well, then what's the Oscar hook?

Dude, it's just Pauly Shore playing gay Edgar Allan Poe. I think that's... You wouldn't give him the award? I can see it, actually. See, I don't know. Now that Jackie points out that it could be a visceral performance. It's like, what was that one? Life of Pi?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, same kind of thing. Can we call it a tour de force? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. So what's the name? Just Gay Edgar Allan Poe? Damn it.

I'm trying to think of something cute with one of Poe's. I'm not as good at this as you guys. No, it doesn't matter. No, I'm terrible. I think Gay Edgar Allan Poe is pretty sellable. I think that's it. Why not? Gay Edgar Allan Poe.

What kind of supporting actress are we throwing in there? What are we going to... In that? She's got to be little. Like Amy Adams. Are we talking about... Maybe Emma Stone. I think... Little. Oh, I think Emma Watson, right?

Oh, for sure. Someone's got to play the 14-year-old. She's due. She deserves it. Okay, so he's still going to be marrying the cousin, but it's still going to be a girl? Shouldn't he be marrying a little boy? No, he's going to be marrying her,

but she's going to be the beard. You know what be marrying a little boy? Yeah, no. He's going to be marrying her, but she's going to be the beard. Oh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Keira Knightley in The Imitation Game. Right.

So the reason why she's going to get nominated is because she's just, she's outwardly sexually, not depraved, but...

Deprived. Deprived. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is. And that really, that's another, as we said before, tour de force before Tour de force

Tour de force Oh yeah I mean on the live chat People are clamoring for this Oh they love it Oh yeah they love it Gay Edgar Allen Poe You're welcome everybody

Gay Edgar Allen Poe That's the thing She's real upset And then she just turns Right to camera She's like Fuck me Alan Fuck me tits

Alan you bitch And then Pauly Shore Is like Nevermore Or whatever he says. Nevermore. He slips it in there. Pauly, be less Pauly.

Pauly, can you be less Pauly? Less Pauly. Less Pauly? It's in my contract. Okay, you get two more Paulys and then your contract is done. Thank you. Benjamin Kissel, you were born sometime in the 80s. What was. 1981. What is your feature film going to be about?

Best Picture, everybody's going to be there. Matthew McConaughey's going to be there. Tim Burton's going to be in the audience. Robert Redford's going to be there. Paul Newman is dead. Paul Newman's dead. John Voight might be there, although his right-wing politics might take his seat away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like American Sniper didn't get nominated for everything. Remember that when everyone was like, American Sniper, is it going to get snubbed by liberal Hollywood? It's like, no, no. It's the number one grossing movie of the year. Everyone loves it. It's going to probably win an Oscar. So what do you think? What's the movie?

I would say the name of the movie. Well, I don't know what the name is. Let's start with the setting. Where are we at? Let's do a small candle factory. Let's do it. Obviously, the movie is going to be called Handle Your Candle. Handle Your Candle.

Human candles. The entire thing takes place inside a small candle factory? Inside of a small candle factory. One shot. Okay. Oh, man. Big this year. Big, yeah. Exactly.

Bird man. Michael Keaton's gonna be in it. He plays the wax. That's how good he is. I'm melting! Yeah, yeah. He's just waxing. You can see the Keaton eyes, which is really cool. And it's just about a small startup that's just trying to get

a new candle scent out there that nobody's heard of. And the name of the scent is called Rainbow Musk. Ooh. Yeah. And so it's got a... Is the scent gay? No, the scent's not gay.

But people think it's gay, but then the scent comes out and it loves women. Or men. Are there slaves in it? Well, let's just say people are not making enough money income inequality is very big right now so it's a hot button issue yep and everyone simple film it's uh it's uh like it's just basically about a candle factory and they're just trying to get rainbow musk uh on the shelves of Target and Walmart and then they end up going on Shark Tank

which is a great show on CNBC. All the sharks say they don't want it. So it's got a little slumdog millionaire feel. They actually go on to a show everybody knows. Because that's what they actually say on the show. All the Shark Tank people say, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

And then, but none of them are gay. Is he talking about candles? He's still talking about candles. What happens at the end of the movie? Oh, at the end of the movie. There's just a bunch of credits. This is the dark horse, I think. They decide not to invest in the candle factory.

But you do have to remember that Michael Keaton is the wax. I'm melting. So each time you buy a candle, you buy a little bit of Michael. And that's kind of fun. All right, well, that's a bad idea. Anyway, but what chickens? How did the chickens die? Uh-oh, who's there?

Oh, it's Ronnie. See you later, guys. Who are you? He left already. Who was you? He left already. Who was it? It was Ronnie. Who the fuck is Ronnie? I don't know.

Our mini cast of friends would like to come in. It's kind of fun. If this couch starts talking, I'm going to be really pissed off. Wait a second, Frank, are you there? I don't know if I can do this if Frank's not here. Oh, for loco for the rest of your life! All right. Let me redo the movie. My movie is called Spanish Frank, and it's all about how Spanish Frank found four loco for the rest of your life. Alright. Let me redo the movie.

My movie is called Spanish Frank and it's all about how Spanish Frank found for loco and he found love. It's difficult to really sell a Mexican protagonist to the Oscars. Has a Mexican ever won an Oscar?

Let's make it happen. Javier Bardem. Is he Mexican? I don't think he's not. Let's make it happen. Javier Bardem. Is he Mexican? I don't think he's Mexican. He's Spanish. Did Antonio Banderas ever win? Antonio who? He's not Mexican. No, I thought he was Spanish.

No, he's Mexican. Mexicans who have won the Academy Award, Marcus. Let's see here. There better be at least the Academy Award, Marcus. Let's see here. There better be at least one. Oh, mangusta grapes without the G. A lot of grapes without the G. Without the G.

Okay. Well, Anthony Quinn was born in Mexico. He's Mexican. And he won for Lust for Life in 1956. 1956? Is that the last one? Lupita Nyong'o last year, 12 years a slave. Yeah, but she's not Mexican. She was born in 1956. 1956? Is that the last one? Lupita Nyong'o last year,

12 years a slave. Yeah, but she's not Mexican. She was born in Mexico. Mexican born. Interesting. Well, that's the definition. One. We're looking for a win here.

She can't tell by her name. Okay. Eugene Caballero. Caballero means horse. Or does it mean cowboy? Who knows? What year? 2006. Okay. He won for art Who knows? What year? 2006.

Okay. He won for art direction for Pan's Labyrinth. It's an Oscar. We don't even put that on TV. Oh, last year. Alfonso Cuarón. Oh, yeah. Won for gravity.

Great. Thank God. Yeah. Oh, yo soy one that Mexican Oscars. What is a Mexican Oscar? Oh, I was best actor. Yo soy best actor In

Me gusta Can I just say my movie? I want a new movie My movie is all about a piece of cheese That knows no plate It's called Cheese Knows No Plate Hold on a second I just

I'm gonna lose my mind Who the hell is that? Who is it? That was Bernice I'm always supposed to have my fair share Get Jackie, Jackie do it Jackie I tell you this cheese has no plate idea It's very good

Alright the movie is called Mein Führer, Mein Freund With a puppy on top So this movie Is about, it's lights up. The beginning of the movie, it is Paul. Lights up. Lights up your, well, lights down, lights down. Paul Giamatti.

Fade in. Paul Giamatti is a mentally handicapped person who was a painter during World War II. So they come in, Nazis come through, take up all the retarded. Put them in a line. They're just going to burn them, burn them, burn them, burn them. Don't care. Jews, whatever they are.

That was like 1930 to 1933. Solid. So he's in line. He's about to go into the chopping block. And Paul Giamatti's retarded. Yes, Paul Giamatti is retarded. But he's a painter. Is he Hitler? No.

Okay, because Hitler's in it, right? So that's, of course Hitler's got to be in it. It's called Mein Führer, Mein Freund. My friend with a puppy on top. So he sees a puppy off to the side and he runs. But while he's running, the reason why he doesn't get caught is because at the time, one of the heads of the camp is having a heart attack. And he's dying in front of all the rest of them as they're shoving people into the incinerator.

So they're looking at him, and the guy runs off. And he ends up sitting under a bucket for a day, and they don't see him. So eventually, he comes up. It's a big bucket. It's a big bucket. It's upside down over him. Yeah, it's for parts. It's a bucket for It's like a big bucket. It's a big bucket. It's upside down over him. Yeah, it's for like for parts.

It's like a dumpster. And then he sees something shiny the next day when he looks out because he hears all the screaming so he's scared. He stays inside the bucket. It happens to be the badge of the Nazi uniform of the guy that just got thrown into the

pile with all the other people because he died. He thinks it looks fun and shiny so he puts on the outfit. And they think that the Germans think that, oh, he just had a stroke. We made a mistake. He's back. He's not dead. So what

DiMatti does is he goes up through the ranks of the Nazi party just killing Jews. They think he's sick, so they let him keep going. And at one point he goes in, they're like, kill all the Jews in this segment. And he's like, sure, sure, sure. And he's like, no, but I'm going to give

them puppies instead. They happen to be like wolves. And they go in and chew up all the Jews so he gets a special honor for having wolves eat all these Jews. But he has to redeem himself. Right. So he goes to meet the Fuhrer and then the Fuhrer finds out he's a painter as well.

And then they paint together and then the Fuhrer introduces him to his soon to be wife. He gets married. Lives a wonderful life. But it's all, you know. Yeah, but he killed a bunch of Jews. But let a mentally handicapped person win. Yeah. It's like a combination between life is beautiful and being there.

Yeah. What's, like, the big line? What's, like, the big, the ultimate, you know, the memorable, like, I'll be back or, like, whatever, you know? I didn't know my puppies were scary. That's good Oh my god A tiny tear falling down from his eyes As he's watching the wolves eat all the juice

Oh shit Very sad Well I mean in German we could call the movie Mein Führer Mein Freund Mit einem Welpen auf That sounds kind of funny. That's such a ring.

Oh, man. You said he goes on to live a wonderful life. I kind of feel like you should just call it It's a Wonderful Life. Yeah, but, you know, that has, you know. I know, but it's kind of cool with the connotations. Bring it back. Yeah. But have it in German, maybe.

Ah. Ah. Well, I mean, the Oscar goes to Mein Führührer, mein Freund, mein eigen Westerwald. There's no question. I kind of want to make the movie... You have to give an Oscar acceptance speech. You can't take it from Sally Field. No one really loves you.

What is it? Your acceptance speech. Well, I just want to thank Bal Giamatti for... Get off the stage, you selfish bitch! I hate these award shows. What about white, wealthy, privileged pieces of shit receiving awards for doing nothing? I've worked in the construction business for 30 years and I haven't gotten jack shit. Uh-oh, who is it?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye,

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, Bye, bye, bye, June. It's coming out in June. I can't wait for that to pass. Can I say thank you? Are we off? No, thank you for being here. You're welcome here, man. That's actually better. We'll keep him on saying thank you. Give the...

Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na. J.K. Simmons!