The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 234: Box Him Up

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a man taking Risperdal wins a lawsuit after growing 34DD breasts, two blind alcoholic Russian bears are saved by Brigitte Bardot, and our favorite mailbox violator is found dead behind a Chinese food restaurant. Joining us today: Amber Nelson and Andrew Short!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Hold in your prey. Everyone close your eyes for a bag of meditation.

You're in a mouth. Your whole all of you is. You can't tell what kind of mouth. It could be man or woman or fat man or small woman or woman that's small but has big feet or monkey

or giraffe mouth. You could be inside of a lizard's mouth. You could be inside. It could be a cat's mouth. You could be inside of a lizard's mouth. You could be inside. It could be a cat's mouth. Spiky tongue. Is there a spiky tongue on that? Yeah. On the inside of that mouth there is?

You're in a cat. Okay. You're in a cat's mouth. You come out. Oh, my God. You're in a cartoon world. You're in Garfield's mouth. And he's sleeping.

Are you with lasagna, though? Oh, you might have. You were inside a big lasagna. Garfield ate you. I'm with lasagna though? Oh, you were inside a big lasagna. Garfield ate you. I'm a sausage. Yeah? Now you're in the stomach of Garfield. And there's a party going on there.

And Bob Hope is there. And Jon Stewart is there. Cool. And he's retiring. And Bill Murray's in there. Oh, but only ironically. And Frank is in there. Oh, she only ironically. And Anne Frank is in there. Oh, she's hiding, though. She's writing and writing and writing and writing in her secret little book that no one gets to look at.

It's over, Anne. You got out of the attic. I mean, not really. It's done, Anne. I mean, she got out of the attic, technically. I went to the house, and I was baked out of my mind. All right. Now you're coming out of his fucking ass and you're reading a newspaper.

Oh, no, it's your father's grave. I'm good. All right. Amen, then. I guess so. Thank you. Let's eat. That was awesome.

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. We have Andrew Short sitting in for Ed Larson. Sitting in for big old fat Ed. That's great, Andrew. You've got to do your best Ed impression. Oh, food. Wow. That is fat.

That is great. Nailed him. He is fat. That was so perfect. I was like, oh, that's pretty close. But then you said food, and I was like, Ed? Yeah. Is he here?

How does it feel to sit in that seat slowly eroded by Ed's big ass? It has a serious ass groove. Yeah, I bet. My nimble ass is just in his right leg, I think. It's got to be like sitting in a child's car seat. You know, ass groove is in the heart, and that means cholesterol. There you go. That's boo in the heart.

I love D-Lite, and it's normal for your older brother to listen to that while dancing in the High I love Delight And it's normal for your older brother to listen to that While dancing in the room with underwear on I wish Henry was more a Bee Gees character Was he? Jackie you're here Yeah man I'm living loving Jackie

That's good You're feeling happy Jackie? Yeah sure man I feel fucking great. That's great. Yeah, I got diamonds in my eyes, and I got fucking bologna in my shoes because Ed's not here, and I got something to remember him by. Yep. That's right.

That is what Ed smells like, shoe bologna. Holdenators, ho! Are you a masternator? Find out soon if you are or not. I will be providing a series of tests On the Facebook page I want photographic evidence of each of those things You're not going to make any fucking tests

Oh there will be tests my lady You just called me a lady You're a strumpet Kevin you're here also Oh I'm here man King of the gay bars What is happening I'm at the gay bars, man.

What happened to you? I realized they're good bars. They are the best bars. Positive vibes. Bunch of weird stuff to look at. It was awesome. I bet you get a lot of free drinks. Dudes are coming up all the time, which feels great. And then you get to watch like they had some dude

on stage twerking and all this. And I was just watching that because that's fascinating. How was it? He was great. He was fucking great. I feel like the male twerk must hurt the male balls a lot. That's a lot of bumping and bumping around. You got to do it kind of tuck though, right?

I would guess so. Do you think they were tucked? I don't. Flapping in the wind? I don't know, man. But he was just doing it like in his underwear. Was it tight underwear? It was tight underwear. So it was like, you know, it, but he was just doing it, like, in his underwear. Oh, so it was tight? Was it tight underwear?

It was tight underwear, so it was like, you know, it was held in, I guess. You wrap bubble wrap around him. That keeps him safe. All right. Sitting in the chuckle hut. We haven't said chuckle hut in a while. No, we have not. No.

Well, I'm bringing it back. Sitting in the chuckle hut. Amber Nelson. What, what, what, what, what? I've been drinking since three. Yeah. That's great, Amber. Sunday fun day What, what, what, what, what? I've been drinking since three. Yeah. That's great, Amber. Sunday fun day. Cha-cha-cha-cha-pow! That's me firing off a gun, which

is cool. Alright. It is cool. Alright, Marcus, let's do a news story. A Philadelphia jury on Tuesday awarded $2.5 million in damages to an Alabama man with autism who took the anti-psychotic drug Risperdal as a teen and grew size 46DD

breasts. Take a look at this specimen right here. You can't even see the breasts. You can see them. I will be posting this to the live chat because we're live streaming right now. That's great. It just looks like a belly. I guess that's what that

big of a tits looks like. It's down. Yeah, they got all droopy. They're all... Put a bra on it. It's gross. Well, he doesn't want to. He's a dude.

Why not? Men aren't supposed to wear bras. Yeah, but they're fun. If you already got tits, it's like, don't have bad tits. If you're a dude, like, keep them tits up. Yeah, strap them in. If you were a dude with tits, would you just look at your own tits in the mirror all the time?

That's what I would do. I guess so. It's possible. I mean, what did Richard Speck do when he was in the Chicago jail there growing those huge melons? Time of his life. The best time of his life whatsoever. The problem is I have mustaches over the nipples, so I still know

they're a man's. Yeah. So I can't really fake that I have woman tits, you know? Yeah, but if they're bad tits like that because they sag, you don't want to be looking. That's like looking at your mom's tits, which I told them to be into, but not everybody else would be into. Right. Well, a lot of guys like a big, soggy titty.

There's dudes out there who can't get enough of this stuff. A slidey titty? Absolutely, because the gal bumps it up and down on your dick there, and the whole thing works out. Uh-oh, I just popped in my pants. Yeah, Holden's popped over there. The turkey is all finished. It just looks like a doorknob in the end of a very big tube sock. Right.

So does this drug, does it do it to women as well, or is it specific in the dudes? Because this seems cheaper than a breast augmentation surgery. It's specific in the guys. From what I understand... Does it give chicks balls? It seems like, why would it only affect dudes?

It's called gynecomastia, and it causes growths to develop on men's chests. So they're not traditional titties. They're like lumps of... They're still titties. ...sort of tumor-ish. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they're definitely saggy titties, but...

Right. Think Bob in Fight Club. Yeah. Like that. They're like cyst titties, or like tisties. Yeah, they're not... I think Bob in Fight Club. Yeah. Like that. They're like cis titties or like tisties. Yeah. I think they're still soft.

Right, right, right. Well, let me find out more about gynecomastia. What do you think, Andrew? I guess you just got to get them lapped off, huh? Yeah, I think so. Right? Yeah. You can't go through life. I mean, unless you just owned it.

Well, if you're a dude, this is not the biggest situation of all time for you. There's probably a lot of money to be made, man. Sure. Would you rather have tits or go bald? Well, that's a good question. Go bald because you can just shave the whole head and just keep living. Yeah, but not a lot of people look good bald. You would look horrible bald holding.

You are not a bald dude. Yeah, that's because the top of it arcs up and then comes back, and it looks like a wave of skull and skin on top of my head. It's very rare that you see a bad-looking bald person, though. I guess that's just like, is that evolution? They're just meant to be bald. Yeah, the guys, yeah, they're meant to be bald. On the computer, they're not that bad.

Yeah, do you guys want to see some pictures? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's check out some pictures of- But it's hard if you are a man and don't want that. Oh, that's terrible. What do you mean not that bad? There's one where a guy has nice... Oh, those are titties!

Yeah, a guy has a set of nice perky tits on the left. Yeah. Oh! Those are nipples for days. Gigantic nipples. Why are they so pink? They look like pig udders. They're just stretched out.

They're not supposed to be that big. Do you just drain them every morning? Don't look at dad. Do you think they get paid half as much? This guy seems to be owning it. I will say, what kind of world society we're living in? These guys are taking selfies with their titties. Because they're confident.

But, yes, well, okay. Wear a camisole. I think put on a camisole, you're fine. Yeah. Duct tape them. Duct tape them painfully back into your chest. Like in, like, Yoder Swank. It's God's way of telling you to get into porn, you know?

Yeah. I mean, Jackie, if you're with a dude and he whips off his shirt and he unveils massive melons but he's got a beautiful dick. Is that good? I mean, you've dabbled in the female arts. Yeah, but I mean... There's a big difference between male

titties and female titties. Yeah, male titties are gross looking and then female titties... You know, it just depends on how funny he is because isn't that all that matters? His sense of humor. Yeah, it's his sense of humor. If he is, because isn't that all that matters? His sense of humor. Yeah, it's his sense of humor. If he had a bra on, that would be fun.

Because it's always fun for a woman to take off another woman's bra. That's always fun. Right, and then it's the big reveal. I want to say that man has big titties. People say women have big titties like dinner plate nipples, but he's a dude with big titties. So I want to say like swanson man dinner nipples. Yeah, dinner plate nipples, but he's a dude with big titties, so I want to say swanson man dinner nipples. Yeah, Hungerman nipples. I just feel like

especially with a man on top, if his breasts were hitting me in the face, that would be a huge turn off. Woman's breasts hitting me in the face, whole other story. It's a flap factor. A flap factor? Yes. And the male flap is less desirable than the female flap.

Yeah, but I also haven't had sex with a lot of older women either. They were all young, tight college women. Yeah, you got it out of your way, out of your system at the best possible time. Yeah, they were all so tight, man. I have this very disturbing image of a guy trying to titty fuck himself right now in my head. Right, right, right. There's a dude hunched over his own dick, just stretching out his tits. Yeah.

Marilyn Manson did that. Yeah. That's right. He got his spine removed so he could tit fuck himself. Yeah, I remember that rumor right after he was on The Wonder Years. Yeah. Exactly. I love that. After The Wonder Years. So this poor autistic kid is walking around with huge titties. It has to make his life harder

I guess? I don't think he really cares. I mean, you saw the picture of him. He looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. He's playing D&D. He's masturbating. He don't give a shit. I don't know, man. He's broken, man.

He's gotta be broken. Yeah. I saw this video or documentary a while ago. I think these guys, there's two guys in Brazil or wherever they were. They were brown. Yeah, I know. It's Brazil. or wherever they were. They were like brown, you know? Oh, yeah, I know. There was two dudes in there. They were brothers,

and they had the most perfect titties I've ever seen. Like, the tits were, like, gorgeous, so beautifully sculpted. Were they implants? No, they just had a condition where both of them had that, and their lives were so horrible. It was, like, the most saddest documentary. And because of that documentary,

I think it's like they ended up, people raised money for them to get the surgeries for them to get cut off. Oh my God. Once they start crowdsourcing your fucking titties, that's not great. When you have to get a Patreon account so you can look like a normal human being. Calling all your rich family members. These kids, they were like 17, 18. That's a tough age to have titties if you're a dude.

It was like sea cubs. The most perfect, nice looking tits. Somewhere there's a flat chested chick just looking at them being like, why? She doesn't believe in God ever again. What's everybody's perfect tits? What celebrity or personality you've seen their tits? What do you think is perfect?

I think they have to have a certain amount of confidence. They have to be buoyant. Who is it? Oh, I don't know. Specifically. Perfect tits right now. I very much enjoyed Jennifer Lawrence. I think that she, I used to be into the very large, sort of the, what's the redhead?

When it comes to small tits, Amy Adams in American Hustle. Oh, perfect. Has insane, awesome small tits. Yeah. There's like two different though. There's like big bongos and then there's like little, little perky's. And I definitely am a fan of both and there are many different forms. Sure.

That's a good point. I don't think there's no tit that's horrible. Right? Oh, there are some for no tit. Except for a little boy. Jackie, you'll know this from your page seven expertise. Tara Reid's breasts literally got her kicked out of Hollywood because they got all disheveled and odd looking. I mean, I'm on this Tumblr page called Empty Tits.

What's an empty tit? Saggy tits. EmptyTits.Tumblr.com. Oh, I'm on this Tumblr page called Empty Tits. What's an empty tits? Saggy tits. EmptyTits.Tumblr.com. Oh, I see. Yeah. So this happens when a girl goes through pregnancy or maybe some massive weight loss and weight gain. And then, yeah. She needs some collard greens in her life.

Oh, no. Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, what's she doing? I mean, I don't think we should be looking at these. No. Just keep going. Make sure you put the same thing on the label.

And there's just a dude sticking around. It's turned into dick territory. But there's a whole spectrum of tits, and for that autistic kid, that's great. He's doing awesome. Yeah, I mean, if he doesn't care, then nor do we, you know? If you can walk around and be confident with your titties, that's all that matters. The cow that milks itself is the cow that lives a thousand

lives. That's right. The cow that never goes thirsty is the cow that milks. Old Indian proverb. This guy is not the only person. He is the first of thousands of people bringing this suit against GlaxoSmithKline that makes Risperdal. When they were doing the commercials,

which I assume this is an advertised product, don't they be like, may cause depression, may cause suicidal thoughts, huge titties may occur. Make sure you go to a medical profession when your fucking tits get massive and rock hard. Well, that is why the family is suing because they were not

adequately warned. Yeah, you gotta put this in the advertisement. That's a huge thing. He can't go anywhere. He's like, the beach is done for him. He was already autistic. I think the beach was already done for him. Oh, that's not true. It's not even done.

It's just he was already wearing the T-shirt to the beach. Yeah, that's true. You know, I have a huge problem with pharmaceutical big pharma because years ago I went on birth control and I was walking down the streets and I would pass out many times. Just like hit the fucking ground. The patch?

Was it the patch? I would wake up and I'd be like, you know what? I'm on this new drug that's from a pharmacy. I don't take it or do any other things. I stopped doing it. I was fine. It was Yaz.

Oh. Well, Yaz had a class action lawsuit, I believe, right? Yaz is killing women. I have a huge problem with just Big Farm just putting like a bunch of men in a bunch of like a laboratory just mixing together chemicals

and being like, you take this. You gotta get in on the lawsuit. There's a huge lawsuit. Massive lawsuit. For like a month. I don't think it'd be worth it. Yeah, and then you get like 15 bucks.

Yeah. You know, because they gotta pay out everybody. It like a month. I don't think it'd be worth it. Yeah, and then you get like 15 bucks. Yeah. You know, because they got to pay out everybody. It ain't right. It kind of worked that way. Anyways. Yeah, maybe it was just like every time you thought about a dick or every time you got sort of aroused, your body just like made you pass out and that's the birth control. Man, I would

take that birth control. I'd be out most days of the week. You do the birth control thing, Jackie. Oh, yeah. I got shoved up inside me. That's right. I'd be out most days of the week. Did you do the birth control thing, Jackie? Oh, yeah. I got shoved up inside me. That's right. I was dating this Australian. I remember dating her, but we were hanging out.

And she's from Austria. She had the microchip birth control thing, which is coming to the US. It's like Black Mirror. Yeah. Damn. And it was in her arm. And every two years, you go to the doctor and they pry it out of your skin. And then they put another one back in you. But it's very safe.

Have you seen the commercials for that chip because you're like sometimes the chip gets lost in your body where did it go and it has a cartoon diagram of a chip like floating through a person i don't want a chip floating through me just wear wear a fucking condom, man. Well, she was Austrian. I mean, that's German medicine. I think you can trust German medicine. So how'd you guys come up with this microchip idea? What'd you like to know? There were a series of failed trials. First was on monkeys that were unwilling.

Then it was on little girls fused together. I mean, it's great. A lot of great medicine. All right. Okay. Okay. Yes. But vaccinate your children.

That's all right. Vaccinate your kids. That's the message here. All right, next. So the autistic kid has titties. I got blood taken out of me recently Why? I'm about to find the results

Blood work Ben I'm going to the doctor now I'm trying to live right You got AIDS? I don't know I gotta go find out on Wednesday I'm terrified Yikes

I can't imagine you go to a real doctor No he was yeah And it's just some guy who's like Yeah just pee into this I'll lick it and tell you if you got AIDS or not It's my Xbox My Xbox You can download an app That just it'll be your doctor I'll lick it and tell you if you've got AIDS or not. It's my Xbox. My Xbox.

You can download an app that just, it'll be your doctor and like needles come out of it and stuff. That's what I want. I just want an app for it. Tell me if I'm pregnant. I think, yeah, there's an app for it. Yeah, I'm just going to start pissing on my phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you got to do.

You know those dollars for pregnancy tests and it says, you fucked. Yeah. Yeah. I think they says, you fucked. Yeah. Yeah. They're like $1.59. I've bought those before. Did it work? You can't trust them, though. No, no.

You have to buy like 15 of them and weigh out the one that says you're pregnant or not pregnant more is the one that is the answer. Took so long for me to say that. It was good, though. What was the doctor's face like when he was checking up and down on your body? Did he mention? Showed him my skin tag that's on my pelvis. Oh, yeah. We all got skin tags.

Yeah, yeah. No, we all don't have skin tags. I'm going to the, oh, all my naders would probably like to know. I'll be hitting up that dermatologist soon, really figure out what that skin on my body is. That's great. I'm pretty excited to find out. Well, are you going to get the skin tank removed? And if you do, maybe a Holdinator deserves to get in the mail.

Well, the problem is the dermatologist did take one look at me and said, you're going to have to stay overnight. You'll get there at 6 in the morning. We'll start the tests on your skin. Hopefully you'll get out of there 5 p.m. the next day. Is that true? I think that's true. First, hold a note

that sends a letter to Creek Cave Comedy Radio. A letter with another letter to return. Hold and we'll take a skin tag and put it in that envelope. Yeah, but that means we have to cut it off. No, the doctor's gonna cut it off.

You'll get a skin tag afterwards. You can dental floss. I know this because I got the other cyst on my neck. I got the goo taken out. They let you keep it. And I have another cyst in the back of my neck. You see this bump here?

Oh, yeah, I see it. I'll get that removed. They let you keep all that gook. Yeah. I mean, gook. Whoa. All right. You have puss a lot.

I mean, gook or like snoop or whatever. Do you send a letter to Cave Comedy Radio? Oh, he can say it? In that context, it wasn't referring to anything. Oh, so it's pus inside your neck? That's better? Yeah, because I'm not referring to a people. Yes, that is better.

All right, Marcus, let's move on. What's another news story? Let's move on to another story. An elite boys' school in Sydney paid tribute to a teacher dubbed a, quote, notorious molester with an inscription on its memorial gates that read he touched us all.

I like notorious molester. I want to see a non-notorious molester. That's most of them. That's every police working today. This sounds like how the movie Doubt should have ended. Then I would have enjoyed it more. Also, no one in the whole movie

ever said like, I highly doubt it. You know? I was waiting for that. Pretty fucking doubtful. Like, no one said any line like that.

that was another Amy Adams movie where if there was a movie I wanted to see her tits, it was that movie. She was so sexy as that innocent nun in that movie.

I was like, take it off, man. Her and Meryl Streep just going at it. She said the ways of Christ. Yeah. Her and Meryl Streep just going at it. She's like, you said the ways of Christ. Yeah, and like Meryl Streep, she has saggy titties. You got to know that. No, she does not have saggy titties.

She has to, yeah. No way. You know what I'm thinking about now? There's a movie, what is it? The Sentinel, Beverly D'Angelo. Best hits in Hollywood history. Beverly D'Angelo? She's the wife from A Christmas Vacation.

This is Criswell. You see her breasts. history. Beverly DeAnne? She's the wife from A Christmas Vacation. This is Criswell. I was about to say, you can see her breasts on full display in The Sentinel, one of my favorite horror movies. That's what I said. You said The Sentinel? Yes! Huh. I don't remember. I said it out loud! How did you hear that? He's got that little thing inserted in his ear where he can tune you out.

No, he has headphones on. He has to hear me. Marcus! Yeah, I can hear him! I can hear him real fucking well. You know, when you got titties, you get hair coming out of them, right, Jackie? You got to. You got hair coming out of your nipples. We all got that shit. Maybe I'll save it. Yeah, but do you shave it? Do you pluck it?

I was with this chick with very hairy titties, and I was very disgusted. Really? You can't have very hairy titties. You pluck it. You see a hair very hairy titties. You pluck it. You see a hair, you pluck it. You get it out of your life. But I wonder if like older women have like gray hairy titties.

I would assume it does. Kevin, you ever been with a chick with a hairy bosom? I don't know. I think there was like a chick who had like I saw like a strand or two.

Every woman has it. You just deal with it. Of course. You gotta deal with it. Good women deal with it. If you don't deal with it, you're sending a message to everybody, and that means you don't care about the person who's seen them or the rest of the world. Also, there's a good amount of women that just don't look at their titties.

What do you mean? Which I found. I look at my titties all the time. I massage them. I look at them. I just stand naked in front of it. Because if you're not looking at your titties, you don't know if you have a hair, especially on the bottom side. Yeah, but what women aren't looking at their breasts?

A lot of women. How do you avoid it? A lot of women don't want to see it. Yeah, they don't. They don't want to look at their bodies. They don't want to look at their bodies. They're ashamed. Well, I don't know about that. Which they should be. Yeah, they should be fucking ashamed. Because they're all fucking gross. But you know what? I look at full-fledged

fucking layout and I go, what's going on under here? Is there a hair in my navel? Because I want to fish it out. Oh, right. You're going to pull it. Get in the shower, pull it out. Yeah, get in the shower, pull it out. I hooked up with a girl in college who had hairy titties.

And it was like a monk cap. You have to deal with monk hair. It got in my teeth and stuff. That's when I found out about them. You have to deal with it. Like a monk hair cap. It got in my teeth and stuff. That's when I found out about them. You have to deal with it. Every woman has a stray hair or two especially. She had a lot. You got to deal with it.

She had like a part. You deal with it. I didn't realize it was such a phenomenon. I mean, hell, I was just looking on girlhairytits.tumblr.com. It's a Tumblr, huh? These Tumblrs. Man. Can you show us a picture, Marcus?

There's a Tumblr for everything. I think that that's entirely true. I don't know if I want to look at a bunch of hairy titties. It's girlshairynipples.tumblr.com. That'll look hairy. Don't look hairy. It just looks like nipples. Oh, no, there's hair.

Oh, there's a big old hair. No. Oh, no, there's hair. Oh, yeah, no. Oh, there's hair. You know you got those hairy tits, boo? I don't think it's that bad, honestly. They look fine.

Oh, that's a beautiful tits. Yeah, but if you have someone that is into putting their mouth on your titties, I feel it's just respectful to get the fucking hair out of there. Yeah, but then you got razor bumps all over them. No, you pluck it out. Oh, you gotta do the pluck, sure. Doesn't that hurt

like a fucko? No, it's a second. Not even. It's just a boop. All women hurt all the time. We have a thing called periods where our body bleeds. Alright, let's not talk about it anymore. We're well aware of women's periods. I ain't never had one before. I agree with Jackie.

Alright Marcus, what are we talking about? Knox Grammar School in Warunga, Sydney paid tribute to its former art teacher Bruce Barrett with the inappropriate memorial saying he touched us all. Right. Despite his convictions for sexually assaulting students during his time at the school,

former Knox Grammar School student Scott Ashton told an Australia's Royal Commission he was deeply confused by the memorial at the school, which is subject of an investigation into its response to sexual abuse allegation. They're doubling down. So they have no problem still giving him this award and this plaque, huh? Yeah. I mean, he was a notorious molester. He was convicted for it.

They're under investigation for covering up. Yet, they still put out the memorial saying he touched us all. Man, that's pretty funny. Yeah. You got it. It's kind of hacky, but it's still pretty funny. It's one of those things where it's like, I heard it today, but probably by Wednesday I'm going to be walking around outside and he's going to bey, but it's still pretty funny. It's one of those things where it's like, I heard it today, but probably about Wednesday

I'm going to be walking around outside and he's going to be like, huh. Yeah, it's one of those. A slow burn there. I feel like it's kind of like based on our entire lives. When you have something that you deal with in a way of humor, it's much easier. Like, I feel like my high school had a terrible molestation issue with a teacher that ended up killing himself in his own classroom. So I feel like if we had just made a joke out of it afterwards, then we could have gotten past it. As opposed to no one ever talked about it ever again.

Jackie, so you're telling me that a dude molested kids at your school, and then he got found out about it, and then he killed himself in school? I feel like I've talked about this on- No, I've never heard of this. No. That's fucking wild, man. He was a- we went to an IB program, very prestigious program, top in the United States. Yes, where the smart kids go in public school. Where the smart kids go, and he was one of the higher up in the history department.

He taught seniors. And his daughter was a senior when Henry was a senior in high school. And he had had sex with other students previously, but he was currently having sex with his daughter's best friend. How old was she? She was 16, 17. She was a senior in high school. And people found out about it and immediately like cross-wide scandal.

So like, and he was like a hard ass, just like scary motherfucker. And he hung himself in his classroom. Oh, that's a cool way to go. Yeah. And they found him and they just covered it all up. But he had been molesting, like, I mean, I guess it is a terrible loose term, but they are 17 years old. They're not 11.

It is a different thing altogether. I wouldn't call it molesting, it's just like inappropriate. But it's inappropriate. It's inappropriate relations that he had been having sex with his students for like years and years and years. But he wasn't like holding them down and telling them that, you know, they'd get in trouble if they told anyone. No, it was

people, it was 17-year-olds that wanted it, I guess. I feel like there should be different terms sometimes. Yeah, because he was also, but he was like an international scholar. I mean, this guy's a piece of shit, but there should still almost be different terms almost. Yeah, he was just using his influence, but I mean, what's the

difference between that and a professor that does that with an 18-year-old? I mean, is there... There's no fucking difference. They're fucked up too, though, kind of. It is fucked up. It's just not illegal. I don't think he should have killed... I mean, he just didn't want to deal with the scandal, so he just killed himself. I know where he... She's a student

of his. And also the fact that he got caught with his daughter's best friend. Yeah, that's crazy. That's very indecent. She dropped out. It was a whole big insane thing. I don't feel one way if it was just one girl, but if it was many, then it's different. Then it's a little bit more of a predatory thing. She was the only one he

got caught with. Exactly, right? That means that he had a problem, as opposed to him just following him. His problem was like, what am I going to do with all this pussy? I like that he hung himself though. That's what more people need to do.

We need to bring back the public. People need to feel bad about what they've done wrong and take action on their own accord like Bud Dwyer did when he was busted in the scandal where he was laundering money or whatever the hell it was. Blew his brands out in front of everybody. Wait, is this the Maraschino Cherry guy?

Maraschino Cherry guy? Oh no, that's a different thing. Is he another person who killed himself? What happened? What? Oh, this is fun. Oh, I mean, the guy that owns Maraschino Cherries, which everybody knows and loves. Oh, that's right. This is local. This is here in New York City. Yeah, and he had this insane weed-selling drug ring.

But this was at a family-owned company. He had all these insane cars. He had a cave that he had dug into the side of a hill. But what was so sad is that the cops came in because he was putting all the cherry juice and turning all the pigeons red and things like that. That's what they were investigating. I feel like, did he also have the Go-Gurt factory and the Fruit Loop factory in there, too? No, but they found a bunch of weed.

90 pounds. They found 90 pounds of weed. That's great. He saw them going into the room, his covert cave. He went into the bathroom, blew his brains out. And the cop, which makes me so sick to my stomach, the cop was like, honestly, with what he had, he probably wouldn't have even served jail time.

Because he didn't have the intent to sell. He didn't have anything. And he had enough money for a defense. Well, he had 1,200 plants and an irrigation system and high-end growing lamps. He wasn't selling it. He wasn't selling it, and that's a different thing. He wasn't selling it, and he could have gotten on for the fine. He wouldn't even have served jail.

He said something like, take care of my kids. To his sister. I need to go to the bathroom real quick. Well, usually he doesn't tell me to take care of his kids when he's about to go take a big dump. So I think he's going to shoot himself. They should have just punished him like a father punishes his kid after he finds him smoking cigarettes. They should have just made him eat an entire jar.

You eat all the cherries in this entire factory and then you're fine. It's so sad though. They're like he wouldn't have even gone to jail. How long ago did that happen? A week ago. I didn't hear about that. But he thought he was going to jail forever.

He thought his whole life was over. He was publicly shamed. We need more shame in this country, though. I fully support what this man did. He felt shamed and he took his own life. New York Italian shame. It's up my maraschino cherries. That is Italian thoroughbred Catholic guilt that made that man put a fucking bullet in

his brain. That's why the Catholics need to regain control of the country. We need a Kennedy in office. Maybe he was afraid of associating Italian-Americans with crime. And he just couldn't handle it.

Yeah, that's probably what the problem is. Yeah, interesting. Oh, man. Someone on the live stream did, they pointed this one out to me. There was a kid last summer

who killed himself because he was videoed masturbating in the bathroom at school. And they just spread it around. Oh, that's not good. That kid shouldn't have killed himself, though. That's sad. It's a public shame, though, when you're that young.

Yeah, but I don't think there's anything wrong with jacking off in the bathroom at school. Everyone jacks off in the bathroom at school, in high school. Got to. I don't know about that. High school was looking at masturbation different. High school was looking at masturbation different. High school was looking at masturbation different. They're like, oh, you please yourself? Yeah, fuck you, you fucking asshole.

No, they don't. All high school kids are talking about is jerking off. Nobody masturbates in school. They don't know. No, man. There's no way. No, I think you did. I mean, we all did.

No, you don't deny. You do not deny masturbating when you're in high school. I didn't masturbate in school. All people schooled. Nobody here masturbated. Did you masturbate in school, Marcus? Not in school, but I also didn't deny it. Yeah.

Like, yeah, after school, like, I'd be like, okay, yeah, like, yeah, let's hang out. I'm gonna go home and jerk off and then we can, you know, like, do our shit, but I gotta go take care of something first.

Every once in a while, people would be funny about it and shit, but, like, a lot of people, if they're straight up, like, if you got caught, jerk it off. Oh, if you got caught, that would turn life over.

That's the end of it. That shame. When you're that young, you can't fucking handle that shit. It's bizarre, though. This guy, so somebody else must have been filming him jack off in school, right? I mean, he probably didn't film himself. That's almost impossible to do.

Someone, yeah, they put a little GoPro over the stall and then filmed him masturbating in the stall. They put it on Vine. What that kid just did was create child pornography. So this kid should have been smart enough not to blow his fucking brains out, but should have called the cops and be like, yo, yeah, so this guy is now a child porn. Billy's going to prison forever. Yeah, exactly. That dude's life would be more over than the guy who jacked off in a stall.

Because sometimes you've got to rock hard in high school. It's just genetics. You can't not jerk off or you're going to have a pain in the balls. Suicide is the best revenge because whoever took that video is now It's just genetics. You can't not jerk off or you're going to have a pain in the balls. Suicide is the best revenge because whoever took that video is now haunted for the rest of his life. He doesn't care. He's the same kind of guy you would jerk off. He'll care in a couple years. He'll be like devastated.

Maybe. I really hope that guy that took that video or that guy or lady goes to jail forever and also gets another court case for manslaughter because they are a part of that. Well, you can't be blaming everyone for people killing themselves. I'm happy that cyberbullying wasn't that big of a thing when I was

bullying people. I would have got my ass hit. I would have been put into jail. I was already so horrible in school, but at least when school let out, I wasn't haunting them when they were at home. Right, right, right. You weren't putting cameras in the bathroom. If you did get to cyber bully them, though, they would realize you can't spell, and then they'd make fun of you.

I know how to spell. I'm pretty good at spelling, actually. You're pretty swell. Yeah, I'm pretty swell at spell. That's the funniest thing with these cyber bullies. They're actually smarter than you think. It's difficult to convey

a strong message of hate constructively and enough to lead somebody to suicide. Well, that girl just got charged with manslaughter. She was the girlfriend of that boy that committed suicide. Well, this story is very intense so there was a boy who was extremely depressed and he wanted to kill himself via carbon monoxide poisoning so

he went into his car shut the garage door turned down the car got out of the car because he was like he's coughing a whole bunch he doesn't want to die like uh that one fellow in the season two of uh house of cards and um hey he gets out it's season two we're on to season three you don't get a pass anymore um and uh and he gets out of the car and he sends her a text. She's like, I can't do it. And she sent him a text that said, get back in. And then he did and he died. So they're charging her with manslaughter.

And now she's charging her with manslaughter. Get back in is the coldest thing. Oh, but then the best part about it, the best part about this whole thing is the next day she was the one in charge of the fundraiser for his funeral and so she put on all of the horse and pony show. She was crying all this shit and she was the one leading the memorial.

Get back in because all my friends are coming and it's going to be a party. It's so maniacal and brutal. Let me read you some of the tweets that she posted afterwards. Such a beautiful soul gone too soon. I'll always remember your bright light and smile.

You'll forever be in my heart. I love you, Conrad. I will never understand why this had to happen. National Suicide Awareness Day. I wish more people understood. I love you and we miss you every day. Conrad, help others. Hashtag we can end suicide. And it was really around this National Suicide Prevention Day. So she timed it out perfectly what a lunatic she was just getting

started in another world if they didn't do that detective or that uh that digging this is what presidents do this is how you get to become a leader yeah she sent a message to him saying let me know when you're gonna do it. Oh, she was... Jesus. According to the police report, she not only encouraged Conrad to take his own life, she questioned him repeatedly as to when and why he hadn't done it yet. How would you think she wouldn't get caught doing it?

That's a big paper trail, man. I'll tell you what, she's banned from being a Holdenator. I'll tell her that myself. And that'll break her. I don't know, it might be too harsh a Holdenator. I'll tell her that myself. And that'll break her. I don't know. It might be too harsh, Holden. I mean, at the same time, though. All right, banned for three years.

At the same time, if you tell somebody to jump off a bridge and they jump off a bridge, it's on the person who jumps off the bridge, right? That's what the parents used to say. If all your friends jump off a bridge, would you do it too? Just because this chick told him to do it, he didn't have to do it. She's only

guilty of making a persuasive argument. He was already going. He was trying to do it. She was fucking... She pushed him. Right, right. I'm just arguing. When you tell somebody, hey, go jump off a bridge, you don't text them over and over again, did you jump off the bridge? Jump off the bridge.

Do you need directions to the bridge? Here's directions to the bridge. Yeah, that's true. What's it provide him with? The car. You tell a perfectly sane person to jump off a bridge, they're just going to be like, what? I've got no reason to. Right, right, right. This is someone who wants to jump off a bridge. Well, if it's like a really low bridge

and the water's right under there, then it's just fun. Yeah, we're not talking about jumping off a fun summertime bridge. Yeah, I'd love to do that we're not talking about jumping off a fun summertime bridge. Yeah, I'd love to do that. I would love to jump off a fun summertime bridge. Yeah, fun summertime bridges are fun to jump off in the summertime. That's why I always tell people, go find a unicorn so anyone finds one, I'll get the credit.

Yeah, that's a good point. Because I told them to do it. That's right. But this chick is getting charged with manslaughter and she's probably going to go to prison for quite a while. Involuntary manslaughter, yep. I'd say that's pretty voluntary. I think if someone's like, I'm in the middle of killing myself, I don't think I can do it, and you're like, pussy!

I think you win. Yeah, it is a little bit of a slippery slope though, because it's one hell of a great revenge if you kill yourself and then they find out there are these people who made fun of you and stuff. It's like, where? It's a gray area on what is... because kids are... It's? It's like where? It's a gray area on like what is. Because kids are, it's very difficult growing up.

And there's a lot of reasons to kill yourself. I can think of five right now that I could legitimately kill myself over and people would be like, that makes sense. You know, but if you're a kid, there's a whole bunch more. Yikes. Get back in, Ben. The Yikes Corner with Ben Kissel. Yikes. Anyway.

Here's the Yikes of with Ben Kissel. Yikes. Anyway. Here's the yikes of the week. I got five reasons to kill myself right off the top of my head. Number one, I currently want pizza. I don't have any. Oh, that's a good reason to kill yourself, though. Number two, how you're going to feel after you eat said pizza. That's right. I know that I have to wake up early tomorrow. Oh, my God.

Not happening. How early are you going to wake up tomorrow? Nine o'clock. What if you get snowed eight out of it, man? It's snowing outside. Then it's snowing outside. Well, that's the best. Do anything.

Any reason. I'm just looking at you. I got five right there. I just, I just, I'm just going to say I don't mind not living with Ben anymore. Aww. Mean Holden. He's got two pieces of bread, you know. Reason number 234 why Kissel's gonna kill him.

And now it's your fault and you're gonna go to prison. Oh my god. Don't do it. Did it just get said? No, it's not said. Marcus, what's going on? Well, let's go back to this whole molestation story. Let's find out a little bit more about this guy.

His name was Mr. Barrett. Mr. Barrett uh he uh would chase and tickle his pupils uh and when and he used to announce watch out boys it's a red tie day meaning he would be caning people that day that is so disgusting he's catholic right yeah gotta be gotta be oh absolutely extremely catholic and uh and so what are the boys that were molested have disgusting. He's Catholic, right? Yeah. Gotta be. Oh, absolutely. Extremely Catholic. And so, what do the boys that were molested have to say about this? Have any of them come forward and said that plaque is mean? Oh, a lot

of them have. Because apparently this prestigious school, five former teachers have been convicted of sexual assault at this school alone. You gotta stop sending your kids to that school. And the inquiry has heard allegations made against a further three members of the staff. It's in Australia.

To be a fly on the wall when the teachers are having their lunch. What's it called? The Bill Cosby School for Little Boys? Very good. It is a little boy school. It's a grammar school. It's in Warunga. They send all the pedophiles to Australia.

Yeah, Australia's a crazy place, man. Just send them all there. It's like, get out of here. And like, what's that place like? It's a whole country of get out of here. Exactly. That's exactly what's in Australia. The whole get out of here people.

Deadly snakes. Yep. Everywhere you step. All right. Well, the man's in Australia. The whole get out of here people. Deadly snakes. Yep. Everywhere you step. All right. Well, the man's being honored. Maybe that plaque lives on forever or it gets vandalized a whole bunch. Who knows? Maybe he'll get his wings.

Let's do an update. Okay, here we go. You guys remember the story of the guy that was arrested having sex with the mailbox while screaming wow over and over again? This was in the UK, right? This was in the UK. He has been found dead outside of a Chinese food restaurant. Oh, man.

You gotta be Caden me. Police are not treating the death as suspicious. They believe the 45-year-old's death may have been drug-related. Yeah, most likely. Oh, drug-related? Oh, no, really? Oh, that's so shocking. And right after, he had to sign the sex

offenders registries. Yeah, because of the mailbox sex, right? He was officially a sexual offender. I mean, if you're going door to door and you do have to announce that you're a sexual offender, that is the best sentence to follow it up with. I had sex with a mailbox. And then people are just like, okay, well, we'll

lock that up then, but you're not going to touch my kids, right? Nope, nothing. I don't like kids at all. Mailboxes are my thing. That's the best sexual pedophile you can... or not even pedophile, because mailboxes are ageless. But that's the best sexual deviant that there is. If you have to live next to one, the mailbox fucker isn't the worst.

Paying tribute and acquaintance of Mr. Bennett said he had his troubles, but he wasn't a bad lad. Eh, not a very good tribute. He treated those mailboxes with respect. Like a lady. Got to know him first. He always put the flag up before he had sex with anyone.

You got to. And put it right back down when he came in it. It was sweet. Well, what a crazy life that guy led, though. It must have been fun, though. Yeah, it seems like it really was. And it's kind of a fun place to die outside of a Chinese restaurant. Your last image is of a Chinese store there, and you know how good it is.

It tastes amazing. And you've got to think about the ease of his life. If the people that you want to fuck are all mailboxes, their options are unlimited. Right. He was discovered behind the Shanghai Palace in Manchester early on Sunday. Do you think he's just going to want to kill himself again in 15 minutes? Wait a second.

I got it. I like this. Thank you. Man, now I just want Chinese food. I know. I'm starving. We can get it. It's everywhere.

Yep. So are mailboxes. This guy was great. Good for him. How old was the fellow? 45 years old. Wow, you made it a hell of a life. Yeah. Good job, Paul Bennett. Rest in peace. Indeed. So dead outside of a Chinese restaurant. We can

all hope to have a similar fate. That's not so bad. Would you do Chinese? I think I'd maybe go Thai to die in front of you. In New York, there's not any good Thai restaurants, though, so you'd be outside of a shit- That's not true. What? No. No.

No. Fucking a hubbub of multicultural restaurants. It's a hubbub? No. It's very classic about New York. Everyone agrees with me. No good Thai restaurants. Everyone agrees with you?

No. Who's agreeing with you? You don't want a bunch of Thai people? Everyone from California? Have you heard of someone from Los Angeles? I did have some Thai food in L.A. that was insane. Blew your mind, right? Blew my mind.

Thai food here is shitty. That's what I'm saying. Have you not been listening to me again, Marcus? What? He has the microchip. What don't you understand? It keeps it from him being able to hear you. Oh, I see.

No, man. Thai food in New York is not good. No. I bet better Thai food in New York is not good. No. Yeah, yeah. I've had better Thai food in Texas. What? Yeah. Well, I've had shitty Thai food in Thailand, so I don't know what's going on. The whole world's fucked up.

Oh, man. All right. All right. So we're definitely going to Russia for our next story. All right. All right. Do we want black market organ harvesting or drunken bears? Drunken bears.

Drunken bears. All right. Oh, is this the one where they fucking cut out his gallbladder and shit? No, but I like your spunk. It's been a long, tragic road for two blind alcoholic bears in the town of Sochi, Russia. Is that where Ed is? That's why Ed's not here. How did we fight these people for 60 years?

We didn't. We were alongside them. We were alongside them for a lot of reasons. Oh, man. Two blind alcoholic bears. That's so adorable. Two blind alcoholic bears in the town of Sochi, Russia, where the Olympics were, that have spent their lives in a squalid cage as part of a restaurant attraction.

For 20 years, the animals were used as entertainment for diners. Patrons would pay to give the bears beer and garbage and shine car headlights in their eyes. That's how it is. What is wrong with Russia? No, this sounds like the most incredible restaurant I've ever heard of. It sounds very American to me.

You're telling me I can shine my headlights in some bear's eyes? What do you get out of that? What? Everything. Everything. Feed the bear beer? What's more American than that?

I enjoy the idea of feeding the bear beer, but I don't like the idea of shining headlights on it for no fucking reason at all. Have you ever shined headlights on some animals before? No. Don't fucking knock it until you try it. All right.

The glitter looks real cool. Oh, I see. Well, the owner, Zinix Uzabor Shivli, he said that he told journalists that the bears are fine, deny being cruel to them. He said, quote, beer is good for the bears because of the climate. Oh, it could be. I mean, really, these bears are just kind of stars, and they're getting star treatment. They're being fed. I mean, to them, it's not garbage food.

It's just food. Yeah. And you know, bears' natural food is nuts and berries and Lagunitas. Yeah, exactly. And salmon. There's salmon, exactly. And salmon. You can throw salmon in there. And honey. Salmon and honey.

It's just whiskey. It's just such a bizarre thing to have in the corner of a restaurant as you're having a family dinner. Just be like, look over in the corner and be like, oh, that's right, there's two blind, drunk bears over there. I totally forgot. The bears were rescued by the Bridget Bardot Foundation. How do I know the the Bridget Bardot Foundation. How do I know the name Bridget Bardot? She was an actress all throughout the 60s and 70s.

Super hot sex symbol. She was in Carnival. She played the snake charmer. She's very hot. Not hot today. She aged poorly. She aged all right. No, she aged... Bridget Bardot aged as a...

She looks like a witch on Xanax. I'm thinking of Adrienne Barbeau. That's who I'm thinking of. Adrienne Barbeau aged wonderfully. Like Angelina Jolie. No, no, no. Angelina Jolie. Brigitte Bardot did not age well.

Yeah, look at her fucking face right now. She looks like a piece of foreskin the doctor threw out. She's just old. She's fine. She's old. She's a whole hot whore. No, but she didn't's old. She didn't age well.

You can't. She has to be in her late 80s. You can show a young picture of her, Marcus. Look at Sophia Loren. With the last picture from Sophia Loren. I don't know. Sophia is an anomaly, though. My mother is also beautiful.

Mother is very beautiful. I'm sure that she is. I love that most celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt do starvation in Africa and shit. Her whole foundation is dedicated to blind alcoholic bears. I didn't even know it was a problem, let alone a problem that needed a foundation to solve it. A Romanian bear sanctuary has volunteered to take the troubled animals and the Bridget Bardot Foundation offered to pay to move them. The person in charge said the bears have a good chance of recovery in their new home. She said the people there have worked with dancing bears who have had similar problems,

so it can be done. With alcoholism. Yeah, with alcoholism. All entertainers. Not the first alcoholic bear that they've taken care of. I didn't realize the alcohol rates were so high for Russian bears. In Russia, definitely.

How would you not be aware of that? I mean, that's what they do there. They're bears and lots of vodka. That is Russia. They got nothing else. They got no borders. And it just sort of extends. I want to hear about like the Russian-China

Far East border where it's just sort of like blends in together like butter and a saucepan, you know? Yeah. That weird world.

There must be some like wild shit going on around there, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that is where, I think they've got

like gray skin there. They look real weird. Yeah, right, because how did they... I mean, a Russian and a Chinese... How do they... They look very different. Yeah. One is referred to generally as the yellow man,

and a Russian is like a snow person. Yeah, and you combine them and you get a gray. A gray, like from Game of Thrones. Can't trust a gray. Yeah. And you combine them and you get a gray. A gray. Like from Game of Thrones. Can't trust a gray. Yeah. Gandalf. No one trusts him.

Yeah, but he becomes the white. He becomes the white. That's when they're pure. He becomes a Russian. What do their eyes look like, Marcus? Do their eyes tell stories?

I feel like this is the one race that will make us all not racist. Because we can all feel like this is the one race that will make us all not racist because we can all be like, what the fuck? Yeah. Poor them, right? A hunt and trap, I bet. Like you're either a trapper or you're a hunter.

That's the only thing you can do. What do you know? Their eyes are green. Really? Very green eyes. Green like the grass they'll never see. Actually. Oh, look at these dudes, man. Show us the chicks. They're all smiling. What the fuck? I guess they're happy for a photo

to come in their lives. Damn. Oh, no. That's a Russian that's a Russian mail order bride. Wow. I bet she's nice. Damn, dog. You need to have some serious ducats to get that Russian hottie. Yeah, bro.

Yeah, take her ass to Disney World once a year and shit. Yeah. Very cool fucking ass. Do you purposely try to sound like the retard from Eastbound and Down? I saw him. I was like, somebody took my role. Damn. I'll never be able to be on TV now.

Someone took it. I want to see a montage of American men at the airport waiting for their Russian bride to arrive. I think I talked about this at my community college. The guy, the 35-year-old fellow who worked in the dorm, because there was only one, he was the head RA. He had a Russian bride. Three days after she arrived, she booked it out of there, and there were wanted posters everywhere.

And from what I've heard, I think she's still roaming around America somewhere and hopefully living the American dream. Wanted or missing? Well, I mean, he said wanted. He was very upset. He was very upset his Russian bride. Jackie, you've got to ask him again. He missed it. You mean, was she Russian around? Yes, yes.

She was Russian. Man, it was good before. I'll tell you what. I like that very, very much. Would you do it? Get a Russian mail-order bride? No, the same reason I wouldn't adopt from Russia. There's something in the water.

I don't know what. The human export from Russia, it's never top quality stuff. I don't know, man. Would you think you could live the rest of your life and then die? You're going to die someday knowing that you never got a Russian male order. What they do, they show you that picture. They bait and switch. They do that with infants all the time.

They show you a cute-ass normal infant, and the thing that shows up, it's like Domino's pizza. And you have to. You know, it never looks like. Now you're forced to love it. Now you're contractually obligated to love it. Literally. And there was one story that was so sad. I think it was in Staten Island.

These kids were like three and five, and the parents openly hated them. And they're like, they gave us the wrong kids. And they were trying to ship these kids back. And the kids knew that their parents did not want them at all. Oh, yeah, man. There is a big problem, at least a few years ago, of Russia just emptying out their asylums. Yeah, their orphanages,

with these horribly mentally defective kids and just shipping them all over to Europe. Infective. Only because the Russians made them that way because they don't feed them. This kid's broken, man. That's so sad. It really is. If they had my iPhone, I would return it.

Exactly. Box them up. Ship them out. Return to sender. That's awful. Return to sender. Well, let's do one more story for the Russians. A married Russian TV

presenter slash actor, Dmitry Nikolaev, 30, from Moscow, has lost his testicles after he met a mysterious blonde stranger at a pub. After exchanging pleasantries and eating at a restaurant, they returned to his car where he kissed her, passed out, and woke up without his testicles. When he woke up, he felt an acute pain below the waist

and noticed blood on his pants. It was only when he arrived at the hospital the doctors told him he'd been drugged and his testicles were removed by someone who was an expert in castration. This is awesome. So does that mean that this woman, and if it does mean that this would be the case,

this chick is unbelievably talented, had the poison on her lipstick the entire time and at no point licked her lips whatsoever. Ooh, yeah. If I ever go on a date, and I might never go on a date again, but when I do, I'm making sure that she licks her lip at least once or twice so I know it's not full of poison. That's the thing, though. This is why, and I stand by this philosophy.

If you're out and you're drunk, you always got to go after the chick that nobody wants. Anytime it's the girl that's super hot and she's cooling down, I don't trust it, man. I've heard too many stories. Those are people that travel in South America right now. One dude, I forget what country this guy was in, but he's heard about, apparently it's been happening a lot, where these women will come, these beautiful girls,

and then guys will be talking to them, go home with the girl, end up with their fucking, like their liver is gone, and there's shit and he was like he was out with this girl and he was talking to this chick at the bar hot as shit it looks like it's about like things are going well and at one point he like goes to get something on the phone and he sees out of the corner of her eye she does something puts her hand over a drink and drops something into his drink and he saw that yeah and if you like trash, he saw it, and he just didn't say anything. He just got up and just fucking left

and didn't drink anything, but it's just like, that shit is happening all the time. It's crazy, man. Yeah, it would be very intense. I would hate to wake up and just notice

that your balls are gone, but I guess it's nice that they knock you out and they kind of go through a surgical procedure. They didn't kill the guy, which is a very simple way to get the balls there gone.

He said, Russian police believe Dimitri was targeted is a very simple way to get the balls there. He said Russian police believe Dimitri was targeted by a criminal gang selling organs on the black market. He added, I thought it was just a cut, but doctors told me my testicles had been removed. The skin was originally cauterized and the operation was done in a skillful way, so surgeons believe

the culprit may have been a doctor or even a vet. So it's like DVDs, balls, DVDs, bags of balls. Churros, churros, balls. What do you want? We got knives. We got cassette tapes because Russia loves cassette tapes and balls. Oh, he was too embarrassed at first to explain what had happened to his wife.

He wasn't too embarrassed. He was terrified his wife was going to, you know, I guess she could no longer rip his balls off, so at least that's safe. He was terrified his wife was going to, you know, I guess she could no longer rip his balls off, so at least that's safe. Terrified of that Russian woman. I'm checking out some of this black market prices, like what you get. Pair of eyeballs, $1,500. That's it?

Yeah. A skull with teeth, that's like $1,200, but I knew that. Shoulder, that's like $500. Everyone knows that. I feel like these prices are kind of low. And a heart, that's $119,000. A liver, $157,000. Okay, now we're getting there.

Easier to replace. Right. Hand and forearm, $385. Pine of blood, about $337. Spleen, $500. Stomach, $500. Small intestine, $2,500. Kidney, the highest price, $262,000.

These guys just seen dollar signs wherever they go, though. That's why we take the kidneys. Yeah, because the kidney is extremely lucrative. The market demands it. You can still live, right, if the kidney is... Yeah, you can have one, and then one kidney expands into the size of two kidneys. You can just sell one of mine. Jackie, what would you do if Doug came home and he did cheat on you,

but he lost his balls in the process? I mean... As long as he had the money, I wouldn't give a fuck. Right. Right? Sure, yeah. Also, cut out one of my kidneys.

Right? I want to sell that shit. That's a lot of money. I mean, you could do it. You can sell your own kidney. People do it all the time. I don't think you can sell it. You can buy that kidney.

Not legally. Yeah, not legally. You can do it on the black market. You can volunteer. Go to the dark web and volunteer a whole bunch of your body parts. Marcus, can you look up certain websites we can go on to to volunteer our kidneys? Well, those are tough to find. Or donate, you know, sell our kidneys.

Selling our kidneys. That would take some time on the deep web. Yeah, you've got to find it. Which I'm not allowed to log on to the deep web at work. Sell my kidneys. Selling our kidneys. That would take some time on the deep web. Yeah, you've got to find it. Which I'm not allowed to log onto the deep web at work. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's good. That's the only place I'm not allowed to go. Do you know how to log on the deep web?

I've never tried. I don't know how to either. It's really difficult. I know a few people that do it, man. It's fascinating. I've seen it. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, I've never gone into it.

You mean Google? That's literally it. I don't go past page You mean Google? That literally is. I don't go past page two on Google. I never do. Nothing after that. These top three know what they're talking about. They have to. That's why they're top three.

I'm going to the number one source. Oh, yeah. Skin, $10 a square inch. Wow. You can stretch that. $10 a square inch. God damn. As soon as you start looking at people's skin like you do linoleum.

Do you sell your skin tags? Yeah, I'm going to definitely keep it. But I was going to give it to my lady love. So she'd always have a piece of me. Ew. You can take dental floss and wrap it around the skin tags and pull on it. I read this on the internet. Yeah, I know.

You can do it a whole bunch of ways. Yeah, and do something like that. Yeah, I guess. You can do it a whole bunch of ways. Yeah, and do something like that. Yeah, I guess. It'll bleed and bleed is what the doctor said. You talked to him about ways that you can do it yourself. I showed it to him. I had to pull my pants down and show him the thing. It's long now. It's been rubbed on. Just give us a little

con swab of peroxide. It's long. It's like that long hanging off of me. How long is that? Describe for the listeners. An inch. Yeah. Three inches. Made about an inch. It looks like calamari.

Oh, my God. Fry it, and I'll eat it. Why? I mean, and people are surprised that kids want to grow up and be reality stars and not doctors anymore. If you're a doctor, people like Holden just walk into your office and be like, look at it. Oh, yeah. You have to tell

them what to do. He was like, show me. I want to see it. I was just like, you don't want it, man. But he looked at it. He immediately wrote a number down. Didn't look at me. He wrote a phone number down. He was like, that's the dermatologist. Get out of here. Get out of here. It was a quick visit. He was immediately horrified. For a second, he thought I was

some sort of Frankenstein because of how much my skin changes all over the course of my body. Did they still charge you though? Did they charge you? I'm sure they better have charged you. Well they took all the blood out of me and I'm getting the results back so yeah. Wait you walked in? Nah he did a bunch of stuff

on me. I mean he looked at a few things but it was just kind of a little faster than I thought it would be. I thought he was going to take his time. He didn't even touch my fucking gimme's. I thought he was going to take his time. He didn't even touch my fucking gimme's. I thought he was going to give me the touch. I went to the doctor last week or the week before as well and he told me

he's like, have you been checking for lumps and stuff? And I just told him, yeah. I don't know if I have, but he didn't touch my little gibblers either. I thought that was mandatory. It's weird when it doesn't happen because it's like, I don't want it to happen, but I expect it, so I'm a little let down.

You also can't ask him to do it? Yeah, exactly. Like, well, are you gonna fucking poke my penis? That's why I came in today. Yeah. Yeah, because I want you to tell me

if I've got the lumpy lumps. I thought I had the cough and all that stuff. I was expecting it too. He went all the way down, touched him in the groin, but he did not. And aren't we

with the balls? You're pairing them more than a prostitute, so they should touch each other. I agree. And aren't we supposed to get the finger up the ass at this age? No, it's 40. Is that 40?

Yeah, you guys had some time. Oh, thank God. I thought I was going to get the ass fingered, too. I was, like, geared up. Did you clean? Oh, yeah, I cleaned. I made sure everything was clean. Because I was geared up.

I was like, dude, this guy guy's gonna inspect Every inch of me I'm not ready for all that I'm not ready for that butt bro Me neither But I also don't wanna have Like ass cancer So I'll do whatever I need to do To like make sure I don't

I'm gonna go old school with it Yeah I don't know if I care Just find out Ass cancer's okay I don't know man No I guess You've had stuff up your butt before

Yeah I have not personally So it will be bizarre I mean well I've had shit up my ass, but... It's easy. Well, I mean, you know, come out of it. I mean, I've just had stuff go through it being shit, but I've never had a finger or a butt plug or

an actual finger or anything up there. This is like the oldest man podcast I think we've ever had. Alright, Marcus. Alright, it's time for a segment from Old McNeil. Well, Ed, as you know, has gone away, but he's still in our hearts. He's at a prison right now.

I thought it'd be a good time to remember his image and his memory by discussing some of our favorite Ed memories with each other. And I'll take the bullet, and I'm scared right now about that, because I feel off today, but I'll do it.

Thank you. We all appreciate it. And then everybody will go after me, and I'll have time to think about it. Jackie, why? What are you doing right now? You want me to go first? Yeah, I'd like you to go first. Okay, Jackie, you go first.

You go first, so you go first, and you go pee. All right, so, well, I didn't so you go first, and you go pee. All right. So, well, I didn't know you would take me up on that offer. So Ed and I, I remember a time when Ed came home with me to visit my parents, and I thought that was really great. My mom wants me to marry him, so I was like, okay, well, let's go through all of the steps it would take. Wait, your mom saw Ed and wants you to marry him? Of course, a thousand percent.

So what we decided to do is I had a friend that had a bunch of DMT. So we decided to smoke the DMT, went out into the beach, watched the sun set. And then we laughed until we cried while watching all of the children show us the happiest moments of life, which you can really see on a beach. And then we set off a bunch of fireworks together. So of all these fireworks and the cops came, they're like, you can't set off fireworks. And we're like, no, it's going to be OK. And they believed us. And then they left.

And then we sat. We made a fire in the middle of the beach. And we just took a bunch of bones. Anything we could find on the beach. You could find armadillo bones. You could find cat bones. Homeless people bones. Anything you can.

Florida beach. Florida beach, man. Get a bunch of bottles. Fucking throw it in the fire. Just set it out. You know? And then we got on a boat. We stole the boat.

We rode out into the middle of nowhere. We hit a sandbar. When we were on the sandbar, I looked at Ed, and I was just like, I love you, man. And he was like, I love you, too. And I said, I'm never going to marry you. And he said, that's okay. I don't want to marry you either. And then we looked out into the sunset.

I think that it looked a lot different than how you described it. That is for sure. Jackie, that's fucking beautiful. I cried. It never happened. Yeah, of course it didn't happen. Wait, really?

No, Eddie can't get on a boat. It didn't happen? Eddie sinks boats. You can't bring Ed on a fucking boat. I thought it was so real. All right, I'll do mine now. So Ed was hiding out in the woods You can't bring Ed on a fucking boat. Jesus Christ. All right, I'll do mine now. So Ed was hiding out in the woods because he just hugged a girl too hard and killed her, right? Yeah.

And he's playing with a mouse, right? He's playing with this mouse. And I'm like, Ed, you can't hold on to girls like that. You'll kill them. And he was like, I'm not a small man, Jenny. I was like, I'm holding. I'm, Jenny. I was like, I'm Holden. I'm not Jenny. Life is like a mouse and men.

Yeah, exactly. And I wrote a play about it. It's called Mice and Men. That's my memory of Ed. That's great. And then he shit himself. Perfect. He shit himself and then he started finger painting with his own shit.

Don't do that, Ed. No. Don't do that, Ed. Don't do that, Ed. We've all been there. He was like, I'm not a smart man, Billy. We know that. I'm not Billy either, man. All right.

Do you have AIDS? And I was like, no. I don't know. I haven't got my blood work back yet. Find out then. Kevin? Oh, yeah. My memory of Ed was there was this one time we were texting,

and he was like, hey, you want to go to the zoo Friday? And I was like, yeah, that's dope. I haven't been to the zoo in forever, man. Let's go to the zoo. And then it was like Thursday night, and he was like, you still trying to go to the zoo? And I was like, nah. And that's my memory.

Love that memory. That's a pretty good one. That's a good one. That's pretty good. That is a good one. It's a slice of life. You know, we've all been there. Yeah, no, exactly.

Memories of Edward. Let's see here. I went home for Thanksgiving with Ed one time. That was really exciting. His mother had a small diabetic fit there. That was good. It's supposed to be fake. Oh, it's supposed to be fake.

And that sounds like a terrible rumor. Yeah, it was. Jackie can't get in, but let's leave her out. Yeah, Jackie's locked out. That's fine. Let her in. Come on. Thank you, Edward. You know.

Yeah, welcome back, Jackie. Remember, I... Any... You know. Thanks. Yeah. Welcome back, Jackie. Remember, it's fake. It could be like a fake scene from a movie like I did. Although, I do want to throw out there, my mom does want me to marry Ed. Still? A thousand percent.

Still? That is a thousand percent true. Why would she want you to marry... What's the upside? He's the married man. He's perfect for me in her eyes. God, your mom's weird. I know, man. I've never heard of a mother

He'll love me until the day I die, though. I don't even know if that's true. No, no, no. Not in a sexual way. He will love me until the day I die. Ed's fat. Yeah. So that's my favorite memory. And that's all that I have to know. Good job, Ben. Thank you. Ed's fat. Yeah. So that's my favorite memory, and that's all that I have to know.

Good job, Ben. Thank you. Ed is fat. That's nice, right? Is it supposed to be make-believe? Let me change it. Ed's thin. That's kind of funny there.

He doesn't have titties the way some people have titties. Oh, that's good. These aren't really memories as much as they are just things you're saying about Ed. I honestly don't know if I've met him. So that's the major problem. I feel like we're dealing

with like a man going through dementia. We're like, remember Eddie? Do not. He's your friend. You've known him for 10 years. All right, Andrew.

Well, before Ed went to jail, a few days before, no one had heard from him for weeks. And he showed up at my front door knocking, slamming at it. It's like 2 a.m. And he was in a butcher's jacket covered in blood. Right.

And he said that a butcher helped him. His car was broken down on the side of the road and he was cold. Gave him the jacket and that's what the blood was for. down on the side of the road and he was cold. Gave him the jacket and that's where the blood was for. And so I believed him and I let him stay with me for

a few nights and he kept looking out the window and kept turning around really quick. Typical Eddie. It looked like someone was following him. I imagine him doing this. It looked like someone was following him. I would love doing this. It looks like someone was following him. I would love to watch Ed on the lambs so bad.

Then the cops started calling, and it turns out he went to the police. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They knew he was there. He's the police. Can I speak with him? I was the police? I was like, he's not here. He's not here?

Oh, he's totally not here. Yeah, no, he's all Anne Frank on your ass, man. And it turns out he went to a supermarket and they didn't have bologna and he's fat. And so he murdered the shop boy and took his jacket because he couldn't eat his fill. Hey, that makes sense to me. Classic Ed. That's a pretty good one, but I think I got to go with the zoo text. I mean, that's just classic Ed. Hey, that makes sense to me. Classic Ed. That's a pretty good one, but I think I gotta go with the zoo text. I mean, that's just classic Ed.

Oh, yeah, it's classic. If anything, Ed's like, you wanna go to the zoo? And it's like, nah. And then Ed's like, okay. Alright, Kevin, you get to deliver his eulogy at his funeral. Oh, shit, there you go. You gotta do it right now, though, right? Right now? Yeah. Alright, here's his eulogy at his funeral. Oh, shit. There you go. You got to do it right now, though, right?

Right now? Yeah. Yeah. All right, here's the eulogy. Ed. That's it. That's the eulogy. That's it.

And that's all it needs. That's all it needs. All right, that's the round table, gentlemen. My fucking pussy's crying, I'll tell you that much. All right, find us on- The more drinking, the better, yeah. Find us on Twitter. That's FatboyBarnett. I'm at Ben Kissel. That's at Marcus Parks. I'll tell you that much. All right, find us on... The more drinking, the better, yeah. Find us on Twitter. That's FatboyBarnett.

I'm at Ben Kissel. That's at Marcus Parks. I tell you what, man. If Ed and I got married, though, it would be the wedding of a century. It would be. It would be disgusting. We wouldn't touch each other, but we would be... All right, Jack the Worm.

It's a fucking wedding. Oh, my God. We eat great food. Oh, eat so well. Such bad food. It would be a 40 wedding. Shrimp and fried chicken and anything on a grill you want to put on a grill, you show up with me,

we'll put it on the grill. And check out Amber on Twitter, Amber Smelson and Andrew, it's just Andrew Short, right? It's at underscore Andrew Short. Look out for the Masternator contest coming up soon. I need photo evidence. No photoshopping. Holden Talks for 30 Minutes coming in

June. Wow. We'll get a little bit of that, a for 30 minutes coming in June. Wow. We'll get a little bit of that, a nugget of that in June. Alright. Very good. Anything else, Marcus? No. I mean, no. That's it? Yep, that's it. We'll talk to y'all soon then at some point. I think I'm gonna start getting into politics. Do it! Oh yeah, definitely.

You got the skin for it. Holden's getting into politics. I've had gross goo in my neck. Yes! Yay! Stop skin! Freedom!

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