The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 237: Turdy Point Buck

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: America loses the name Gary, a falconer loses his falcon to a duck enthusiast, and a Florida man loses his iguana business to the law.

Hey, Roundtable listeners, we're looking to get some sponsors for the show, so if you want to help us out, go to surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. That's surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. And you can help us out by just giving us some of your information, and we can take some potential sponsors. Now, on with the Roundtable. The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! information and we can take some potential sponsors now on with the round table the round table gentlemen let's broaden our minds it's time for action gentlemen gentlemen what's the topic of discussion civility gentlemen always civility What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Yeah. You, I think. Nightmare. Is it you? No, it's Jackie. I don't think so. I just did it. Jackie.

No, it's me. I did it last time. It's Marcus, then. It's Marcus. Okay. Kevin, you should do a prayer. You're the most blessed person here. Well, then pray to him.

You've never done it, Kevin. Do a prayer for the people. No, don't make him do it. I'm not making him. I'm suggesting it. You are strongly suggesting. You are pressuring him into it. Yeah, that's not making it. Kevin, if you do it, I'll give you this Ric Flair Nature Boy 3-disc DVD set.

Awesome DVD set. He pins a bunch of people. He also puts them in the figure four. He turned out to actually be addicted to drugs. He's the most decorated champion in the history of sports entertainment. For over 30 years, Ric Flair has been the man. Nature boy, Ric Flair. His kids went to

my high school. His daughter has big tits and his son dyed her hair whenever it is. Yep, that's right, Holden. Amen. Amen. Okay, well, that's the prayer. He has... You come from a lot of money, Holden. Yeah, that's right. I'm struggling, man.

I don't understand why I live my life like this. I should have gone to school for fucking engineering or some shit. So I'd be living in a big ass house right now with my big wife's big fake tits. Right. Instead, I live in a studio apartment in Astoria, Queens. Holdenators, ho! Welcome back, fan club boys. You're my fan boys.

All right, very good. So don't get a degree in theater. It's literally useless. Okay, Jackie, you're here. I'm here. Thank you. Yeah, man. I'm doing it, man.

I'm renaming Sunday to No Fun Day. Cool, Jackie. Yeah, and the civil justice system in this country is fucked. We want to talk about that on this? She just watched... Citizen 4? No, no, no. The West Memphis 3 documentary. You just watched that?

Well, I watched the first part of it. They just came out with the last one. I was like, I've never done this. So for two and a half hours, I watched the first part of it. But that was after finishing Jinx this morning. Jinx is amazing. It's all, I'm just, I've just been yelling at the TV about the fucking judicial system. Oh my God, man.

That's good. Robert Durst, The Jinx, check it out. It's on HBO Go. Why is it called The Jinx? Because he calls himself The Jinx. That's why he didn't want to have kids. Because he's The Jinx. He's The Jinx, man.

He's The Durst Jinx. They should have called it, he should have called himself Eye Twitch. that guy twitches his eye more than any other dude i've ever seen robert durst would be the worst poker player of all time which is bizarre that he was able to get off multiple murder charges no he would just pay off all the other guys playing so that he would win you know what that's actually a great sketch i, Jackie. That's all he does. If he pays money to win poker, he lost poker. Isn't it crazy? I feel like the phrase skyscraper moguls. Isn't that insane?

They are skyscraper moguls. They are billionaires beyond billionaires. Some people run Krispy Kremes. Man, that's insane. Yeah, they're very rich. Skyscraper moguls. They got the Freedom Tower, those fuckers. Think about it, dude. But he's innocent.

So... Yeah. Yeah, he's the Freedom Tower. He went free. He is. Can't bring him down, terrorists. Dude, I love the Jinx. I'm on episode four. Oh, dude. The Dallas Attorney. I haven't seen it yet. You haven't seen it yet i haven't seen it yet you don't know what happened though you gotta get i mean i end of it i've heard that he has killed

people oh my god decapitated people dude you gotta get to the latin it's all about the last five minutes i watched it this morning i was just like ah this is the best show i've ever seen it will not let you down, my friend. That's all I'm going to say right now. I think I need to rebrand. You think that now? I think I may need to rebrand in order to become, quote, unquote, sellable. Now, this is a thing I've been researching, okay?

I realize that Hollywood is a real thing, right? Deals are made, people are made, and people are broken. And I don't think there's a room for this guy over there. Really? We're talking plastic surgery. We're talking maybe getting more into sports, being able to talk about sports more often. You want to change your entire past.

I think so. Well, actually, I come from a sellable past. Lovely, rich kid in a beautiful Charlotte, North Carolina. No one gives a fuck about that past. Super rich. You need to make up drama. Given everything he's ever needed from the beginning. Right.

Like, if I need a computer, I'm just like, mom, please. And she sends me the money. I remember that when she did that. Once I go to the dentist, she's buying me a new computer. Great. But that's not compelling. No one feels bad for you. Well, they feel bad for the mother. Susan Boyle a new computer. Great. But that's not compelling. I know. No one feels bad for you. Well, they feel bad for the mother.

Susan Boyle. Yeah, they do. But she's not. I think I need to write her story. You do. And sell her to Hollywood. I think I need to sell my own mother to Hollywood. Who do I call?

Who takes mothers? We'll figure that out later. Okay. Some studio exec fucking buys moms. No one feels worse for anybody on earth more than your mother. Like, people are devastated that she had to live through you, with you, and had to carry you inside of her. Well, especially because she didn't get a C-section. She had to birth me and my big, fat cock.

It hurt like hell flopping out of her. Yeah, you had a big dick in it. Oh, my Lord. It was huge. Really? Oh, we've gotten the baby. No, wait a second. That's just his dick. And then they had to pull the baby? Oh, we've gotten the baby. No, wait a second. That's just his dick.

And then they had to pull the baby out after. But you're the baby. Yeah. Wow. That's how big my dick was. It was as big as me, essentially, when I was a baby. It would be easy for the doctor, I guess. If everybody had a bigger penis coming out, then you could just kind of pull that, and

then the baby comes with it. That's the thing. Well, but it was all squiggly. It wasn't hard. So it was slippery. Covered in blood from her uterus. Right, right, was all squiggly. It wasn't hard. So it was slippery. Covered in blood from her uterus. Right, right, right. Poor woman.

Oh, my God. Poor, poor woman. I need to rebrand all my Nators out there. If you have rebranding ideas, we'll talk about this. We'll walk about this. Can you imagine holding a child inside of you that would end up looking like Holden? Oh, my God. I'd cut it out.

I'm going to cut it out no matter what. Yes, it's actually all the way, right? Oh, no, no, no. I meant like with a scissor. I'm going to take it out once I find out it's in there. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll squeeze her out.

Yeah, that's very nice. Especially if it's a girl. Are you going to do a tub birth? Oh, God. Are you going to sit in a big tub? I watched a whole documentary on births like that. It is. It's. It's so gross.

You sat down on like a Friday night. Yes. I watched it by myself. Oh, my God. And it was all about like natural birthing and different like alternate ways of birth. And they're all like a lot of them, too, is like all about gravity. So it was just like there was half an hour of women naked in door jams with their arms up on the sides, just like, they have like pillows underneath them in case the baby just falls out.

And it's just like, man, rough. Please tell me you were like delirious with a fever. No, no, no, no. That's how sharks have babies and dolphins have babies. You're not supposed to have a baby in a tub. No, no, no, no. That's disgusting, man. That's how sharks have babies and dolphins have babies. You're not supposed to have a baby in a tub. Tub's for babies.

Yeah, but they're in water so it's an easy transition for them. Yeah, but who gives a shit? The baby's gonna be totally fine. Also, basically, it helps women, too,

because they're in warm water so it doesn't hurt as bad. And it lowers the chances of severe vaginal tearing. Ugh, vaginal tearing. Ugh, vaginal tearing. Ugh, vaginal tearing. Would it be helpful to give birth on the moon? That would be no gravity.

Right? Yeah, you birth it through your mouth. Oh, but imagine all the blood and the spray that gets everywhere, just coagulating. It's so much harder. It says no. How come they haven't ever sent a pregnant woman out there to see what happens? We got to make the first moon, baby. Let's get a Kickstarter going. If you're pregnant right now, we'll send you to the moon. I'll do. We got to make the first moon, baby. Let's get a Kickstarter going.

If you're pregnant right now, we'll send you to the moon. I'll do it. I want to have a moon, baby. Dude, then you get to become the ruler of the world because you're a moon man. You're a moon baby. Dude, that would be dope. Buy these Nikes. Take it from me.

I'm the moon baby. I was born on the moon. I think really you can just pretty much sell anything. Getting back to sellable. You can't deny the fact that the dude was born on the moon and he's better than you. Yeah, he'd at least be an incredible dancer. He'd have to be. He's dancing from the moment he was born.

He couldn't help it. Oh, I love it. Moon baby, let's have a baby on that moon. Then we put the flag up there. We need to one-up it. American, beautiful, mixed baby. Mixed? We need a mixed.

We need a Puerto Rican, black, white, maybe Irish. Okay. We'll go Irish, baby, put him to the moon, and then. No, no, no. That means I can't have the baby. We can't have this on the moon, man. Yeah, you're the white part. Yeah, but I'm not Irish.

Or you need to have a bunch of nationalities bang me and hope one of it sticks. I don't know. You're Polish and Italian. Yeah, that's fine. We'll do it the way they do shooting squads. Only one person has the bullet in the gun. Other than that, it's just fake. So we'll have a bunch of dudes have sex with you, and whoever the baby ends up being, they won't even know.

I mean, they'll notice when the baby comes out. But what I'm saying is moon baby doesn't have a dad. What color is this baby? Man, moon baby is all colors. Is it the color of the moon? I don't know. Does it change the color of the baby if it's born on the moon? Man, that would be awesome.

I want a color-changing baby. Has there ever been a non-white person on the moon? No, absolutely not. Only white people on the moon. Oh, really? There's a racial slur. We got to keep it that way. And we got to gentrify the moon.

Niggas don't want me on the moon. There's a racial slur about moons. Moon cricket. Moon cricket. That's a fun one. But they've never been on the moon. I'd love to see a really rowdy Asian or Hindu family get lost on the moon. You know? A bunch of screaming little kids. Have you ever Hindu family get lost on the moon. You know?

A bunch of screaming little kids. Have you ever seen them get lost in Coney Island or whatnot? Yeah. I was in a cabin next to a bunch of them, and they just kept playing Live in La Vida Loca and the Faith Hillsong Breathe over and over again. Who was this that you were next to? It was a big Hindu family that were in this cabin next to a bunch of us that were partying all weekend. Right.

And I think they only had two songs to play because they just blasted it all hours of the day. And then breathe. Those are two very different spectrums of emotion there. Yeah, they really are. Yeah, I found a little bit about Moon Cricket here. It's possibly derived from the MC used in rapper names. What does that mean? No way.

What? It's older than that? It's way older than that. Also possibly a reference to the manorial aspect of the African race in the United States, a black person, cricket, and a sea of white, the moon. I don't get this one. I think that might be more. It's also something that Native Americans call white people.

Oh, so it's a white... Also, yeah. That makes sense. We've been to the moon. Yeah, moon as in pale and cricket as in we have big eyes and gangly limbs. I did not know that. I thought the honest explanation for its origins was going to be some dude thought of it and it's fun to say.

Now that I can get behind. There's nothing more fun to say than racial sl I can get behind. There's nothing more fun to say than racial slurs. Nothing in the world. Moon cricket. How funny is that to say? Nigga is my favorite word. It's adorable. Here's one I've never heard before.

Swamp ninja. Swamp ninja? That's a compliment. It's hard to be a ninja. It's even harder to be a swamp ninja. It's a compliment. It's hard to be a ninja. It's even harder to be a swamp ninja. It's ridiculous. You know how fucking strong your legs gotta be to run through all that mud?

Yeah, the only time you'll say it is my girlfriend got stolen from me by a swamp ninja. That's the only way you can use the... Which might happen for you someday. Of course. All of them. My sister married a swamp ninja and now we don't talk to her anymore. I'm going to stay with my wife even though I constantly walk in on her having sex with a swamp ninja.

Now I'm seeing the racism of it. Well, all right, Marcus. Let's do our first story. I love this one. It's really sad. It's about an extinction of sorts. According to OurBabyNamer.com, the name Gary is becoming extinct. That's fine.

It's a gay name. Gary? No, Gary loves being gay, so that's a compliment to Gary. Of course, it's fine being gay. I'm just saying a lot of parents probably are like, oh, I don't want them to deal with racial or like, not racial, like sexual prejudice all their lives. I'm not going to name him Gary. No Garys.

He'll definitely turn out gay. Nearly 39,000 babies were named Gary in the 1950s in the United States. By 2013, that number dropped to 442. In this entire country? Yeah. 300 plus million people, only 442 Gary's all last year. In 2013, yeah. That's amazingly low. Yeah.

all last year. In 2013, yeah. That's amazingly low. Yeah. It now ranks 578th in the United States, and the last baby girl to be named Gary was in 1997. That's not right. Baby girl's name Gary? What the fuck kind of life is that?

I think Gary's a hot name for a gal. I like when women have male names. I would love to meet a stew. That would be great, you know? I'm really sick, though, of, I don't know about you guys, but I see on my news feed constantly, of, like, people that are trying to one-up each other and how unique their baby's name is. It's disgusting. We have a friend who recently had a child.

Beautiful. Everyone loves it. I am of the, I think the name is wrong. And I'm not going to say who the friend is, but there is a name that our friends have given to a child that is a person that will have to live with it forever, and I'm going to, what is the etiquette? You can't never

say that. You can never say anything. You're saying it right now. No, I have not named names. We all know who you're talking about. But the audience doesn't know. I don't know who you're talking about. We have one friend who has had a baby in our entire lives. That's not true. I have friends from back home, though, and all of their baby's names are dumb.

It's just like it's the different weird. But all your friends from back home do Oxycontin. No, these are all the talented ones. They're all the rich ones. The rich ones all have like, it's like Seamus, but like S-H-A-Y-M-U-S for a girl. It's like Seamus. My favorite was my girlfriend was like, all right, because she was kind of going over baby names that her sister was throwing at her. She was like, so, Holden, what do you think about the name Braylon?

Oh, I want to vomit. It's like the heights of a vomit. It makes me think of Shia LaBeouf's hair. Shia LaBeouf's haircut right now. Braylon. Braylon. Oh, I want to vomit. It's like the heights of a vomit. It makes me think of Shia LaBeouf's hair. Shia LaBeouf's haircut right now. Braylon. Braylon. It's disgusting. For a girl, too?

I think that's a boy's name. I'm going to go out with Braylon on Thursday night. She's going to have the biggest pussy. Braylon. It's disgusting. And it's just, I feel like it's just a phenomenon. It's getting worse and worse. It's really.

It's not. Just name your kids traditional names that your aunt... You know, Gary is a fine... Gary is one of the better names that I have heard all day. I like Gary a lot. Why not? I mean, it does make you seem like you might or may not have Down syndrome. So Gary's his own.

Isn't that sad? Yep. Only 235 baby boys were named Gary in the UK in 1996. This is worldwide? Yeah, and the number has dropped to 28 in 2013. Are you kidding? This is really insane. And as of this point, this article does make a point.

What happened in 2013 that made everyone hate the name Gary? I don't understand it. Gary Ridgeway, that's the serial killer, of course, from Seattle. That was like 2003 when he got caught, though. Right. So he didn't take the hit. He wasn't the one that ruined the name. What happened in 2013?

I think people just forget about the name. Yeah. It's been steadily declining since 1950. It hit its peak in 1950. To me, that sound, that is like a very standard name, like Ben or Kevin or Jackie. Gary. I've known a few Garys. I like them. They're perfectly fine people. Totally normal. Eight vegetables and shit Kevin or Jackie. Gary. I've known a few Garys. I like them.

They're perfectly fine people. Totally normal. Eight vegetables and shit. Everyone knows a Gary. I don't know a Gary. I don't think I know a Gary. I don't know a Gary. Gary Veeder. Oh, yeah. There's another comic who's a Gary too. Gary Veeder, he's a comedian, that's right. Yeah, there's plenty of Garys around. We should keep this conversation going for

another 45 minutes. I don't know a Gary. Huh. Well, you know, we should keep this conversation going for another 45 minutes. Okay, Gary. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Gary. Isn't, I do know one. Oh. Interesting.

All right. All right. Okay. If you're on the live chat, you know, let us know. Are you a Gary? Are you a Gary? Do you know a Gary? Chris Codina says he knows a really creepy dude named Gary.

Isn't that something? Huh. If everyone could tell a Gary story in the live chat right now, Marcus will read it out loud in Marcus's beautiful voice, and we're all going to get to know a little bit more about our friends Gary. So you're saying there's no other news stories? Is that what's happening here? No, we're done. Five more news stories.

Oh, okay. There's plenty of very interesting. This is going to be here until 1030. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of interesting news stories out there, but I want to hear more about Gary. I know a Gary, Gary Veeder. I got an uncle named Gary. I never felt weird about it.

Uncle Gary. Good for you, man. You're really broadening as a human being. That's great. That's great. But Kevin, though, Jackie's not that common of a name. Jackie's very common. And it's a man's name.

It's common in the men's world. No, it's not. It's much more common. I feel like I know more Jackies than her chicks. Really? Yeah. What are you talking about? My grandfather's name was Jackie. That's why I was named Jackie. But he was Jack. Jackie Robinson is the only male Jackie that I can think of. No, but in the olden

days, the name Jack, you either called them John or you called them Jackie. Why didn't you just call them Jack? Because they did it. You called them John if their name was Jack? Yeah. I hate that. I hate the nickname inside the name that's actually just a normal name. I know it.

Gary's also called Gus's. What's that? Gus is Gus and Gary is Gary. Sometimes Gary is called Gus. Can Gary be short for Garrett? It can be. I know a Garrett. I just love making Marcus have more work to do in the editing.

I know a Garrett. Oh, Jackie Gleason. Yeah. That's from a listener, Eat My Car. Jackie and the Beanstalk. Eat My Car also said that they knew a Gary. He got caught jerking off in the high school bathroom. Oh, all right.

There we go. And Get Drunk Start Barrel Fire said, the only Gary I know is the dude across the street who is a registered sex offender. And they know because he had to tell everyone when he moved in, apparently also makes bomb ass chili. I love that law. I think it's a great law. Yeah.

But I mean, that's the thing. He went around and told everyone he was a sex offender, yet won them over with his chili skills. I don't know if I would eat the chili of a sex offender. I'd eat it. Yeah? Yeah, what, has it got, like, baby clits in it? I don't know.

What is he charged with? Is he an 18-year-old who banged a sophomore? Like, that's different. But that's the thing, though. If you, like, fuck a bunch of kids or whatever, you gotta work so hard at that chili. Oh, yeah. It makes the best chili you've ever seen. It has to be good. That's different. But that's the thing, though. If you fuck a bunch of kids or whatever, you got to work so hard at that chili. Oh, yeah. That makes the best chili you've ever seen.

It has to be good. That's true. Did you guys all have a teacher that banged a student in your high school? Yeah. There was a teacher. Oh, my God. What the hell was his last name? I never...

Forget about it. He used to play guitar on the desks. Everybody wanted to bang him. Typical banging the kids mood. Dude, so funny. And then he got cancer and wrote a song about it and wanted us to all cry as he played it. Did you laugh? Yeah, I'd be fun of him until he nearly wept.

Because he sucked. Did he fuck a student or was this just some poor guy? He banged a teacher who was really hot. They moved to Australia. Oh, good for them. Whatever. Shane Totten. His name was Shane Totten.

Is he dead from the cancer? No, he's not dead from the cancer. He was very much alive from the cancer, but you wouldn't have known that from the sad song he wrote. And it was... Oh, he thought he was dying back then, right? That's when he wrote the lyrics, I guess.

Oh, he was redheaded. Oh, wait, did he have lymphoma? He had some long... He had long hair. Huh. Well, apparently there's a Shane Totten who is fighting lymphoma. He was diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma in October 2012. He might have cancer again.

Which would make me feel very, very bad. Yeah, it's very possible that this man has cancer. I did a shout-out on Top Hat, but I also want to do one on this show. Thank you, Ashley Marciniak, for posting on my Facebook timeline my picture of when I was super fat in high school. Oh yeah, have you guys seen this yet? No. No. It's disturbing, disgusting, it's sad. Kevin

literally, well Marcus' reaction was wow, and then Kevin just said it was a Oh no. That's Jackie's. One of them. Oh boy. Yeah. I have an oh no, a wow, an oh, boy, and then Kevin's just look of disgust. It's just so real. You picture it in your head,

and it's cartoonish, right? And then you see it. The reality is so much more disturbing. It's not as shocking, though, because you're not standing up, so we can't see how tall and big you are. Right, so when Shane Totten got cancer, he didn't understand that I was actually still living a worse life than him, and then he sang in front of the class, and everyone was crying, that I was actually still living a worse life than him. And then he sang in front of the class and everyone

was crying. But I was talking to my friend Jared about what a douche he was. How hot was the teacher he banged? Oh, pretty attractive for Wisconsin. So heavy. Yeah, I had kind of a similar situation where this guy who was a student at my high school

came to speak. He used to be a student at my high school and he loved to drive cars real fast and he drove a car really fast and he killed like a family or something like that. Right? And then he came and gave this big emotional speech about why you shouldn't do that and then afterwards like I hate the

guy because like he's a dick. He drove his car too fast and now he's dealing with the consequences and everyone is now glorifying him because he figured out a way to turn it around on our high school and make everybody think he's this great man. Oh, yeah. So I was making jokes about him. Everybody was like, hey, man, come on. Like, what the fuck, dude?

No, screw this guy. Yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah, but also guys that drive really fast are pretty fucking hot. Pretty smoking sexy. Always. Yeah, that's true. Well, it was a family, too. It was kind of like Sarah Palin.

All the names started with a T. It was this legacy family, and they were kind of retarded. It was this legacy family at my private school, and it was Trick, Trip, Trevor, Tracy. Those were all the names. The Duggars. At least the Duggars have like 22 of them, so they had to get creative, and that's kind of fun. That's right. I love that Duggar family.

Hey, Ben, is this him? Was he a science teacher? Yes, that's Shane Totten. That's right. I love that Duggar family. Hey, Ben, is this him? Was he a science teacher? Yes, that's Shane Totten. That's Shane Totten. Oh, he won the Golden Apple Award. Oh, he's not sexy. What's the Golden Apple Award? Yeah, it's the Golden Apple Award.

People love him, yeah. I know people love him. That's why I had to take him down. Alex Popoff, 12, said that Totten is his favorite teacher. Fuck Alex! No. He said instead of textbooks his favorite teacher. Fuck Alex. No. He said instead of textbooks. I am so livid.

He said instead of textbooks, he does stuff with us. We have labs almost every week. Every week? Cry me a river about how your dad doesn't love you. Wow. I don't care what that kid says. He played guitar. Girls loved him.

I was fat and depressed. Wow. He didn't understand why I was so angry at him, but I definitely had to apologize to him a lot in public. Vanessa Fiola, 13, said that he was a good teacher because he makes learning fun. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. He made it obnoxious,

and I did not come to be entertained by some pseudo-musician who all the girls wanted to have sex with and not me. He said, for every lesson that I do, I try to tap into as many of those eight as I can. At some point, I'm going to reach every student. You didn't reach me, Shane. You didn't reach me.

You can have your golden apple. You'll never have my mind. While the students were filling out lab evaluation forms following a Hindenburg experiment, in which, you know, he showed them. Oh, it's the Hindenburg day. It's fire. It's really cool. It's really exciting.

He was kind of fun because we dipped the rose in the whatever. I mean, that's why he got the Golden Apple Award. I'll tell you what. I just learned a very valuable lesson from this man, and that's that every child is a gift. He said he let the students work in pairs and played Kryptonite by the band Three Doors Down. Oh, he sucks. If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman? Dude, this is so dead on.

This is classic Shane Totten. Classic Shane Totten. Everybody loves Three Doors Down. Well, I guess everybody loves this guy. Oh, and he's got something to say about his music. He said, I use what I call edutainment to help the kids connect to the material. I love it. And he's funny on top of it all.

He said, we have Totten Toon Thursday. Oh, my God. I will sing a song at the start of the class with students. It's a warm-up, and the songs are usually related to the topics we're covering. I bet they're fun. They sucked. They were terrible. They were obnoxious.

I would have wanted to bang the fuck out of them. Can you go to everybody else, Jackie? I want to see a picture of his abs. I don't think we have pictures of his abs. Yeah, that's Shane Totten. And he actually, they mentioned he originally began teaching in Wisconsin. Yeah, in Stevens Point, Wisconsin at Bocelli High School. Yeah, Kieran Osborne said he's a cool teacher.

He's not! Oh, man. I want to go back to school, man. Yeah. No, I had to. He makes me want to learn. Yeah, he said, it says, life is good, nothing gets me down, said Totten, who survived a bout with leukemia 15 years ago.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I love it. He says, I love it. Why is nobody talking about me in this article? That's what I want to know. Why am I not mentioned? I'm the only one who called him out for that.

I'm inspired. I'm going to track this dude down, track this nigga down. Bring him an apple, man. I love this. I love this. I can't believe whatever. He did not reach me. You just whatever this article. Whatever the article.

Shane Totten, possibly the greatest teacher on earth to some people, but not to me. I wonder how many kids he's inspired so far. A lot of kids. Probably like thousands, right? Yeah, I bet so. I mean, at least, you know, at least a couple of these kids, at the very least, he got Kiernan Osbourne.

Great. Great. It was very difficult to win the class over when I had a teacher who was playing guitar. And that's why I always hated him, because I was attempting to teach the class. Ooh, when he did the lesson on Minnie Hindenburgs, he played Stairway to Heaven in the background. He did it with my class as well, so your class isn't special.

So everyone who was just like, oh, I can't believe he did that for us. He does it for everybody. He's a fraud. He's a liar and a fraud. You think you're special? He talks to everybody that way. And you know what he uses? Other people's art.

I don't know. You can kind of see him as like a sampler type guy. We're like, you know, like he takes other people's art. But look at what happened with Robin Thicke's video. So he should be sued. It honestly sounds like you miss him kind of a lot. He wasn't the best. Well, whatever.

We're really tapping into something here. I had to publicly apologize to him in front of everybody, otherwise I couldn't graduate. Wow. So I had to go because I was being so funny. Can you recreate that apology for us?

It was, Mr. Totten, I want to apologize. I was really rude when you were playing theten, I want to apologize. I was really rude when you were playing the guitar. I loved your song. You're a bastard, Ben Kissel. And then that was it. And he said, okay, thank you, Ben.

And he looked at me. And you wouldn't think this man could have hate in his heart, but I saw it. Listener Aubrey says, I'm in an educational psychology class right now, and I have to admit that his techniques fall in line with good classroom learning techniques. Yeah, well, I guess everyone learns differently. Whoa.

Oh, no, I'm the answer. So anyway, I got to graduate. So how do you learn? I graduated dead last. How do I learn? Yeah. Usually it's just someone screaming at me. Sort of a Nazi style, you know, educational program Yeah, kind of like that

You don't realize you have to align yourself with that kind of man to get pussy Because, I mean, that just added another year on to you not getting any pussy It was the morbid obesity and the depression No, it had nothing to do with that It was the public apology you had to make because that's not sexy. People thought it was super cool. I don't think so. You hug too hard.

Yeah. Oh, he also writes comedy rock songs. If you ever speak of him again. Listen to one, please. Do we have a recording of one, maybe? Let's see here. Like a SoundCloud or something. Shane Totten, worst teacher.

No, no, no. He contributed to an album called Deer Camp Songs. Yeah, that was all about the 30-point buck. Yeah, Deterdy. Deterdy point buck. If I never talk about this again, this is all done. Deterdy point buck is the biggest song in Wisconsin during deer hunting season. It is the worst thing that's ever happened.

Can we hear this song? It's Duterte, Duterte, Duterte point buck. It is so bad. It drives me insane. He wrote it. I know he wrote it. Everybody knows he wrote it. He was playing on the radio every single day during

the months of deer hunting season. I'd go into his classroom. Everyone loved him. No one was talking to me. I was fat and depressed. This man caused my obesity. What constitutes a 30-foot buck? A big buck. A dumb buck.

It's a deer. And then they murder it. Can you guys hear that? Yeah, I'd do it, too. Yeah. Put on the iron. I already heard it. I don't need these headphones.

I need the headphones. I don't need to do I need the headphones use those headphones they start talking and then man there's gotta be some anything that makes Gizl upset really makes me happy. I was up like a deer hunter. How do you do? I got the deer hunting rap and tail for you.

That's Shane Totten. And now you understand how he sucks and why he drives me insane. This is his comedy. It's not funny. Ben, you're yelling. I can't hear it. No. This is his comedy It's not funny Ben you're yelling I can't hear it Oh my god I love it I got to beat big knife

Cause the haunting is my life It's my chance to drink beer And get away from the wife Oh shit I have never been more embarrassed In my life It's just so relatable. All right, that's enough of it.

I think everybody gets it. 1.6 million views on YouTube. I love it so much. Oh, my God. Nothing's come close to that. Anything. Oh, as soon as that song hit, you wouldn't believe how famous these people were in Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

It was like everyone was talking about them. Drink some beer and get away from my wife. It's so bad. It says on YouTube, it says, here's the classic Youper song. It is the classic Youper song. What the fuck is a Youper? It's a, I don't know. It's Shane Todden.

A Youper? I don't know. It's a, I think a Youper. Is that a, what is that? Upper Peninsula. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Upper Peninsula, yeah. Which, you know, it's very local.

So that's sort of like guys who want to go hunting. The guy, the Upper Peninsula, the UP guys. The Youpers. Boy, he even wrote a, he also wrote 30 Point Buck 2, the sequel. I know. Yeah, it was on the album. No, they were called Bananas at Large. Oh, my God, yes.

That's amazing. And he co-wrote the song with Gary Nilsson. He co-wrote it with Gary. Wow. Yeah, full circle. I think, too, I've answered my own rebranding question. I need to be like Shane Taunton. I'm coming in.

I'm going to bring in some comedy songs about living in Wisconsin. Oh, my gosh. About having cancer. I need to figure out how to get leukemia. Just fake it like you did. Eat a bottle of it or something. I wonder if he's still married to that teacher. She was hot, though?

She had big tits? She was hot. Yeah, she did. She did. What was her name? She had big tits? She was hot. Yeah, she did. She did. What was her name? She had a hot teacher name? I'm trying to remember her name. I forgot it.

Yeah? I forgot a lot of them. I forgot most of high school. Miss, like, Sticks or something? I don't know. It wasn't Miss Sticks. Miss Bucket? No.

I don't know. There was one, Mrs. Miller. She was morbidly obese and a vegan. Never figured that out. No, that's not a hot teacher name. Yeah. Either way, I haven't thought about Shane Todd in a long time. Thank you, Marcus.

Yeah, no problem. 30 point. Literally, that is played every five songs in Wisconsin during deer hunting season. My friends truly love. There is no irony in the love of this song. You have to understand this is where I grew up. Yeah. This is a normal song.

That's a good song. As people talk about it, that's a good song. Yeah. I'd love to hear it again at some point. We'll listen to it after the show. Yeah. Boy, the listeners on the chat are split in half. Some of them on your side, Ben.

Thank you, Truth. The other half, though, think he's a wonderful man. Sounds great. Although. I am fine with everybody's opinion. Okay, Marcus, let's move on. Let's get off the Shane Totten track. I can't sit here and think about it any longer.

We had to dissect a worm. And I smushed mine. And that made it very difficult to dissect it. And I got to see. You're a fucking monster. Shane Totten was the monster. How'd you smush the worm? It's a worm.

They're smushable. You just have to slice it. You take a scalpel, you're slicing it in half. And when you push the scalpel too deep into the worm, it smushes. Do you have to do pig fetuses too? No, I had Matt Churris. I got with the kid who ate, like, I got with Matt Churris was his name. I did a frog and a pig fetus.

I think Matt used to drink the formaldehyde. Yeah, he was one of those kids. He got laughs in a different way than I got laughs. But we were always kind of competitive. The smell of that formaldehyde, man. I remember that. Intense. You'd get on the tables there and play that guitar.

All right, next story. We're going to Florida for this one. Thank God. We've got to get out of Wisconsin. Iguana news. A Florida man is facing animal cruelty charges after allegedly attempting to sell live iguanas that he had hog-tied with duct tape and wire. Jeremy Dugas, 35, was arrested in Key West on Tuesday after a woman reported he allegedly

tried to sell her the bound iguanas to cook for dinner. Police found Dugas sitting on his bike in front of a restaurant called the Banana Cafe. Three orange iguanas, each about four feet in length, were dangling from the handlebars of his bicycle with their front and back legs taped with duct tape and a metal wire running to each set of legs, acting as a handle. But they were alive? Dugas told officers that he intended to eat the iguanas, which he said he caught at a local golf club. They were orange?

Yeah, orange iguanas. And four feet long. Big-ass iguanas, huh? Man, Key West is a no-man. It's like the Old West. It sounds nice, though. It's beautiful, but everybody is fucking crazy. Or it's like Mad Max.. Or it's like Mad Max.

Yes, it's like Mad Max. Like Thunderdome? But everyone's relaxed and drunk and doing whatever drug they can find. So it's like the opposite kind of thing, but everybody's fucking insane in Key West. I agree with that. I mean, do you buy the iguana?

I would buy just to free them. In Florida, they are an invasive non-native species. It is legal to hunt, kill, and eat iguanas. That's right. It must only be in South Florida. I've never seen an orange iguana. Yeah, they're all over South Florida. Really?

Yeah, I've never seen one. They're terrifying. We talked about this. Kevin had a friend that used to try to sell iguana eggs at school. A lot of people did. They grow like six feet long. But I've seen iguanas, but not orange of people did. They grow like six feet long. But I've seen iguanas, but not orange iguanas.

Yeah, they're out there. Interesting. So he was trying to sell the eggs at school. Yeah, they would sell them. They would come to school. Like, kids would bring iguana eggs to school and sell them like 25 cents an egg. Really? What do you do with an iguana egg?

You eat them. You grow them, you hatch them, and then you wear it on your neck. People literally would wear iguanas on their neck. Wow. Yeah. Live? Yeah, you just walk around with iguanas on your neck. That was hot back in the day.

It's sexy. I had a friend who had an iguana. He'd come to school with welts on his arm because the iguana would whip him with its tail. Yeah, the tail, man. That's how my neighbor snapped his leg with his tail. Jesus. But feed them a banana, and they love it. Everyone loves a banana.

Oh, my God, I love watching an iguana eat a banana. Is that something? Yes, it's really cute. Very cute. Marcus? Before you do that, Marcus, can you type in old woman shitting? I mean, it's exactly the same, just one's cuter and one's hairier oh my god

oh god I hate sitting right next to Marcus I hate having no hair oh my god do you want to see this no old woman shitting yeah show it to Kevin her stomach is on the top of the screen

oh come on, man. What's happening? She ain't old. No, she's old. Look at that stomach. Her stomach is to the floor. She looks like me in high school. That's a woman.

That's a woman. Oh, no. What's she going to do? What do you think? What's she going to do? She's going to shit. No. No one wants to watch that.

Oh, it's all the liquid. No one wants to watch it, Marcus. Dude, shut it up. Okay, okay. What's wrong with you? I watch it. Holden has this. Claim Holden.

I watch it. Just don't do everything Holden said. Holden's a goddamn monster. Perfectly. I want to see a moron eating a banana, please. For the dumbest people

we know, you're going to start listening to him all of a sudden as soon as you hear an old woman shit? Here's an iguana eating a banana. Good God.

What's wrong with you, Marcus? The only time you ever listened to Holden was when he suggested a disgusting idea about an old woman taking a dump. I was curious, too. That was a slice of a banana. I want to watch you eat a whole banana. What do you think it would look like? They could take a whole banana in their mouth. He doesn't want it.

All right. He's had enough. I don't realize how big iguanas are. Just supposing the two videos, it's like the circle of life. It really is. Yeah, man. I want all of you. They're huge, man.

I remember in Florida, it was like, whatever it was, one of the coldest winters in 20 years. Then it got to 30 degrees or something. I remember this was like a news story on a bunch of different news channels. It was like, it's chaos in Miami. Iguanas are dropping out of the trees. They would just get too cold and are dropping out of the trees. They would just get too cold and just fall out of the trees. They'd wake up the next day.

They weren't even dying. They were just falling out of the trees. Oh, that's so cool. Different animals in Florida and Wisconsin. I found that exact news story. Frozen iguanas falling from trees in freezing Florida. I love that sentence.as falling from trees in freezing Florida. I love that sentence.

They just fall. It's just cute. What about those crickets though, man? I love my parents sent me the pictures of the like the multicolored

insane huge crickets that are in Florida. They look like tiny dinosaurs and they're all like fuchsia and pink and yellow and stuff like that. They're Florida. They look like tiny dinosaurs. And they're all like fuchsia and pink and yellow. They're massive.

They're like four inches. Yeah, but they're so bad for the garden. And they came from the moon and they're taking all our jobs. My own crickets, my own crickets living in my yard. That's great. I'm so happy Shane Totten doesn't have leukemia anymore. It looked like he got lymphoma, though. Oh, lymphoma? Unless there's another Shane Totten that got a...

No, that was definitely the Shane Totten. Wow. There you go. Was he attractive, Marcus? Shane Totten? Funny looking, but funny guy. He was kind of a funny looking guy, but I could see how people could find him cute. He was funny looking?

Well, he was kind of funny looking. He was a funny looking fella, yeah. Different animals, man. You guys have that, you know, Florida has those cold-blooded reptilians. Wisconsin has a 30-point buck, which is different. We have parrots, too. A 30-point buck. Oh, and my wife is at home.

Man, I love dudes talking about leaving the wife at home. I've been watching a lot of Cheers. I've been talking about it on pretty much every podcast on Cave Comedy Radio. Watch a lot of Cheers. Yeah, man. I love the fact it's like men go out to the bar, leave the wife at home. I think it's such a great. I think we should adopt that.

The wife likes to be left at home, right? Yeah, but I would be the one at the bar. I'd be the Carla. Oh, I see. Sorry. I guess it wasn't that entertaining of a fucking subject. It was a good subject. Carla's the waitress, right?

That's Danny DeVito's wife. Yeah. Rhea Perlman. Yeah, yeah. Danny DeVito's. Her husband got fired from the show because he was really rude to her. Her husband on the show. Oh, that's right.

The guy with the big eyebrows. Yeah, he made some comments about how she was like a nightmare to have to kiss because he thought she was so ugly. Yeah. I think he called her

like a gremlin. In real life, he said that about her. Rhea Perlman was hot? All right. Well, either way, she's banging Danny DeVito and that's got to be awkward.

No, they got divorced and they got back together. Yeah, because neither of them are going to find anybody else who wants to be naked with them. Because they love each other. No, it's out of sheer desperation. Like, you should fucking talk. Well, yeah, I've been celibate for three months on my own terms. Interesting.

Go for you. How's that going for you? Great. I sent a text message this morning to a girl that I spoke to last night outside of a bathroom. We're going to go see It Follows, but I sent too many exclamation marks in my text message, and she is currently not reciprocating my enthusiasm.

Uh-oh. Creeped her out. There was a girl at the bar last night that wanted to bang you, but I think she might have been too old for you. Why? How old was she? I mean, she was old in the face, hot in the body, very tall, and she was like, I want to bang your friend over there. Who was it? I mean, she was old in the face, hot in the body, very tall. And she was like, I want to bang your friend over there. Who was it?

What are you talking about? Yeah, we were at the puppy bar. Why didn't you tell me? Because it's funnier this way. You want to hear me? Jackie, what the? I'm hanging out with Mookie. It's Mookie, baby.

He's been on the show many times. Mookie Thompson. I had to hang out with him until 4.30 in the morning because you didn't let me know this tall chick was super hot. I wanted to wait until right now to tell you that. Why didn't you just?

She was hot. The blonde one? Who was it? Yeah, she was hot, man. What? Why would you? Why? I win the week.

No, no. I win the week. Don't clap yourself offstage. I am not happy tonight. I win the week. I win the week. I am not happy tonight. Jackie, his technically spoken words. Totten.

Yeah, you get the Totten Award. Yeah, I get this too. I am the golden apple. The golden apple or the purple peach or whatever the hell that douche wad won. I am the golden apple. The weekly golden apple Totten Award will go to whoever ruins Ben's week the most. Jackie, just tell me next time. When a gal wants to have sex with me, let me know. But you don't deserve it.

Not only do I deserve it, I am like so, she would have been totally fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I win. This is a nightmare. I couldn't wait to say it on the podcast too. And she mentioned me because I was wearing my Kim Jong Il shirt, which a lot of people really like. I noticed you have a different shirt on today, and I'm proud of you. Thank you.

Okay. Yeah, because you're wearing that same shirt on Friday night. I wore a shirt. He wore the shirt two days in a row. What, the Kim Jong-il? Oh, you wore that again last night? Yeah. Yeah, you were wearing that on Friday night.

Oh, I guess I wore the same shirt then. What do you want from me? Oh, yeah, you guys nailed me. I was wearing that same thing that you guys could see. God, I needed this episode. Like, I needed it for me. I don't need this episode. It feels so good.

Just tell me, Jackie. When a woman says, I want to have sex with your tall friend, did you pretend you were my wife? No, no, no. No, no, no. I was like, he's a comedian. He's crazy. She goes, I love crazy.

She might not have been good for me then. Actually, that's probably exactly what you've been celibate against. I bet she would have been good for one night though. She was fiery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had the one night goodies. Yeah. I have no idea who you're talking about. Kevin, you saw her? She was hot? Yeah, I saw her sorry man so just keep that in mind ladies

shane todd isn't stealing my pussy anymore i love that we all made sure to be dead silent after he said that just to like add that just layer of just it's devastating let me know next time jackie oh yeah let's move on to a news story here. I got to lick my wounds. An Idaho woman faces charges after authorities say she beat a hunter's falcon to death with a beaded scarf after seeing the bird of prey take down a duck. Pat McDonald, 60, was charged with a misdemeanor count of beating or harassing an animal. Authorities say McDonald fractured the skull of the 8-year-old falcon named Hornet on January 7th. Oh. full attack and landed with the duck. He said he was approaching the spot when he saw a red jeep wrangler pull up to the side of the road and Hornet flew away but appeared

injured. Dinger said the woman told him she beat the bird, which had been with humans since the day it was hatched. Dinger said, so they don't really know they're falcons. That was probably a part of his undoing because you could walk up to him and he wouldn't fly or try to get away. Man,

he killed a duck who gives a fuck. Yeah. Nobody cares about ducks. Ducks don't go fuck themselves. Ducks are cute. They have the weird penis there. They're fine, but there's 1,100 million of them. There's a central metaphor in Catcher in the Rye.

Fuck you, Holden Caulfield. Absolutely. So why this is the woman saved a duck. No, she didn't. No, she didn't. The duck died. And then they just, so the duck, there's a duck somewhere. Is it in a fridge?

It is being stored in evidence right now. Right. It's being stored in evidence. Daffy Duck. The lawyer is going to have to like exhibit D, duck. And then they're going to pull out a dead duck. Yeah. And then it's like, that's what it looks like.

Exhibit E, falcon. Dead falcon. Dead falcon. Interesting case. Yes, hornet. She beat to death with a beaded scarf? With a beaded scarf. You've seen those scarves that have the beads weaved into them?

I never saw a scarf like that. I didn't know it could kill a hawk. Duck tail, Scrooge McDuck, duck man. Everybody loves ducks. Yeah, but in the wild, a duck can be killed. Howard the Duck. It wasn't like a person that killed a duck. He didn't kill Howard the Duck. No, I'm just saying ducks,

people love, are beloved ducks. Jack is saying nobody cares about ducks. I'm saying a hawk is allowed to kill a duck. It's a falcon. Same fucking thing. It's not the same thing. It's better than a duck, that's for sure. I'm not even going to comment. Bird luger?

You know it's better than a duck. At least agree with me on that. Biologically, yes. Okay? It is a predator. It flies faster. It's got them fucking talons. Yes.

But ducks are awesome, man. Eat all your bread. A duck is your friend. A falcon's just kind of up there doing his thing. Yeah, because it's a bird of prey. Yeah, but we want to, you know, I mean, we're talking about a man's friend. A duck's like a dog. That's why I like turkey ducks.

The falcon was this guy's friend. He was expecting Hornet to live to be 30. He was only 7. Falcons can live up to 30 years old in the care of a human. So a falcon killed a duck. Yeah, falcon killed a duck. And then the woman is going, and she could go to jail. She is facing up to six months in prison.

God damn. Is that right, Jackie Zabrowski? Who is texting currently. You're not paying attention. Fuck this bitch. I just got the best idea I've ever had. I'm going to get a pet falcon. Oh, yeah.

You should get leather gloves then. You have to. I'm getting the leather gloves. Yeah, if you're a falconer, you have to get it. I thought you wanted an African gray. I know, man, but right now it's falcon time. All right. Well, I'm down.

Yeah, let's see how much we could buy a falcon for. I think they're pretty expensive. No, they're pretty cheap, actually. I don't. 50 bucks. Well, I'm down. Yeah, let's see how much we could buy a Falcon for. I think they're pretty expensive. No, they're pretty cheap, actually. I don't. 50 bucks. I don't know. Well, we're going to find out on Falcons for Sale.

Falconsforsale.com. Only 50 cents. That's not bad. No, that ain't bad. That's a Mary-Kate and Ashley song. Is it? They sing Brother for Sale. They're trying to sell their brother.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen trying to sell their brother? Yeah, they sing Brother for Sale. Only 50 cents. So their brother. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen trying to sell their brother? Yeah, they sing brother for sale. Only 50 cents. So you watched a bunch of those videos, huh? Yeah, of course I fucking did. The Mary-Kate series? You watched those? When they were kids, yeah, they all wore backwards fucking hats. They were little

detectives, weren't they? Yeah. Yeah, what crimes were they solving? Who molested them? Shit, man, yeah. And it's like who fucking put their cum on my ice cream? I don't think those were the original videos. I think you saw some weird bootleg porn. Man, I would totally watch those porns, though.

Do you like the idea? As long as they sang Brother for sale. And are of age. Yeah, sure, of age. That's what I'm thinking about. A lot of people like that. Pamela Smart. Pamela Smart?

Who the hell is that? She had sex with a 15 year old. She had sex with a 15 year old. And then murdered her husband, Greg Smart. I've been watching True Crime, guys. Smart family.

Well, that wasn't very smart. That's the thing. You think that's the first time that joke has been made. I guarantee you today it's about the 20th time it's been made. You actually disappear if you say that again. It's almost like you were never born. Kevin, Falcons, much cheaper than African Greys. 50 bucks.

500. That's right. Seriously? Yeah, you can get a Falconays. 50 bucks. 500. That's right. Seriously? Yeah, you can get a falcon for $500 today. I bet you got that You got that, Kevin. You got that true TV money. Dude, I'm going to buy 10 falcons. In fact, you can

get, yeah, you can train them however you like. You say, I want this type of falcon, and they'll raise that falcon over the period of a year to train it specifically to what kind of falcon and they'll raise that falcon over the period of a year to train it specifically to what kind of falcon you enjoy. That's worth the money. Oh my God.

I mean, if you think about it, it's the same thing as like an Xbox One and a few games. This is what I'm going to do, man. That's all I'm going to do. I'm going to train these falcons. I'm going to get like 30 falcons and train them to all work in unison to pull me by my clothes so I can fly around town. That's always been the dream, man. You're not going to get shot down by the cops immediately.

You're going to have a long, healthy life. Oh, it's going to be beautiful. I got so many names. You know what it is? It's going to be that leather bodysuit that's going to cost all the money, man. I'm working for it, man. I'm ready. Look, my dream is to do that.

This has always been my dream. From day one, that has been the first dream. And the second dream, which ties in to having enough money to buy these Falcons, is having enough money to buy Africa. And I'm just going to fly over there with my Falcon suit. It's going to be fucking dope.

Man, that's going to be a scary trip. Well, I'll make sure to send you this website. Mike'sFalconrySupplies.com. Quality falconry equipment at affordable prices since 1980. Wow, look at that. You can trust him. 35 years in the biz. Since 1980.

Sounds a bit cokie to me. Man, some kind of cocaine operation. This is a cocaine idea. I'm opening up a falcon store. 1980. The fucking chicks have big fake tits. Let'm opening up a falcon store. 1980. The fucking chicks have big fake tits. Let's open up a falcon store. I love all the cocaine we've been getting into

in fucking Costa Rica. Yeah, man. Love it. Got to. Having a falcon store, that is one of the greatest stores I've ever heard a person have. Just falconry-related products.

Radio stuff. Falconry, Arab golf equipment, wherever the fuck that is. Arab golf equipment? What? Yeah, I don't know. It's too desert-y out there. I mean, it's all a sand trap, I guess. Yeah, it's kind of weird.

Very difficult to find the greens. It's all a sand trap. That's always a depressing thought of going to an Arabian golf course. And you're just like, it's all sand. It's just the worst 18 holes of golf That's always depressing thought of going to an Arabian golf course. It's all sad. It's just the worst 18 holes of golf you've ever played in your goddamn life. Can't find the ball. What club should I use?

I don't know. I guess the fucking sandwich. For every single goddamn shot. You only need one club on an Arabian golf course. You need the sandwich. Even if you're putting, you need the sandwich. You just have to lift the ball up into the hole because there's no way to putt the fucking thing. No, man.

It's a nightmare. Good chunk of land, though. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. Before that, we got to give a shout out to Omar, whose girl of four years broke up with him yesterday. Oh, my God, Omar. We're so happy for you. You're free, man. Dude, the best thing that ever happened to you was when that chick left because you were going to go to places and women are going to talk to you and they're going to appreciate your worth and they're going to love you for who you are, dude.

Yeah, go to Schooners. You can find a girl to fuck you at Schooners. Yeah, man. Throw a bachelor party. Celebrate being a bachelor. There's a place that has at Schooners. Yeah, man. Throw a bachelor party. Celebrate being a bachelor. Is Schooners the kind of place that has a big baked potato? Yeah, oh, yeah. Well, you can get mostly bar food at Schooners.

You're sending this sad dude to a place with potatoes? Nah, nah. You can't send a sad dude to a place with potatoes. Nah, nah, nah. He's from Lubbock. He knows what Schooners is. He's already thanked me. Oh, okay.

That's good. How's the live stream doing? How is everybody? They're doing great. They're talking about Falcons. That's cool. Fuck's the live stream doing? How is everybody? They're doing great. They're talking about falcons. That's cool. Fuck yeah, man. Alright. Alright. Alright. Okay. Oh, shit. And one of them actually has

an African gray. Oh, shit. Send it over. It's sitting right next to him right now. Who is that? Best life. What's the name on that one? Nasty Totems. Oh, my goodness. Nasty Totems. I love the names of everyone. Kevin, you can't use that one. It's already been taken. Nasty Totems. But, my goodness. Nasty Totems. I love the names of everything. Kevin, you can't use that one. It's already been taken.

Nasty Totems. But what if I change it to Nasty Nigga Totems? See what I'm saying? Adding the word nigga to anything makes it better. Oh, willy-nilly. It's not fair. I mean, honestly, you know, people talk about taking the power back from that word, but you guys have won and done it.

Like, that's so much cooler than whatever. The N word, you put that in anything, and it makes it a better sentence, and I can't do it. I mean, not me, yeah, because you said you while you were looking at me, and not me. I can't. No one can. Alright.

That's fun. Fifth silence for Kissel today. Oh, I've been terrible. It's been fun, though. It has been. Kissel, you've made it good. You've made it fun. Thanks.

All right. And I worked with Omar, by the way, at the peteria when I went to college. And he was the cousin of the owner, and that's how we got the job there. He enjoyed merkin in Frenchtown, which was hiding in back alleys and holding innocent people up at gunpoint. And he went to jail while I was there, and he also stole my buddy's weed.

Isn't he a scumbag? He was very scary, and at one point, I actually might have smoked crack at one point in my life because I went out back to smoke a little weed with him, and he called it the dirty, and it definitely tasted like there were chemicals in there, and I handed it to him, and I went back inside to smoke a little weed with him. And he called it the dirty. And it definitely tasted like there were chemicals in there. And I handed it to him. And I went back inside.

Because I was terrified. I thought I might have actually smoked some cocaine. It's crack. It's fine. Crack crack is good. It's a very scary time to be at the peteria. Other than that, the place was great. Didn't it burn down?

No, no. I don't think so. Next order was't it burn down? It made it weird. Right. No, no. I don't think so. Next order with those pokey sticks was a Gumby pizzas and they had pokey sticks. Yeah. Love Gumby's pizza.

Love Gumby's. Love the loop. Yeah. All that shit. Yeah, the loop was great. I lived right behind all that shit.

Anyways. We could go on. Marcus doesn't know it because no one else does. No one else does, but Jackie, me, Kevin, we all know what the

fuck's going on. Right across the street from Bullwinkle's. Right next to fucking poor Paul's poor house. Tell me it again, Marcus. Huh? Someone made a picture. What are they called? A meme.

A meme. It's a meme. Oh, my God. I love it. I love it so much. Look, everybody. They made her a cheers meme. Jackie!

So and Jackie. I'm like Norm. Leaving the wife at home. Coach and Ted Dancenter. Oh! So and Jackie. I'm like Norm. Leaving the wife at home. Coach and Ted Danz in her. Oh, my accounting job. Is that what Norm was? Was he an accountant? He was an accountant, yeah.

No kidding, huh? Always left the wife at home. Man, he must have been terrible. How's Vera, Norm? Oh, man. Did we ever meet his wife? No. No.

He must have been terrible at his job. I don't think we ever met Vera. Everyone on Cheers is an alcoholic. We know that, right? Yeah, that's why I love it so much because it makes me feel like, you're right, I do want to go where everybody knows my name. And I want to be, like, I like watching a show where it's like, it's okay to be an alcoholic. It's normalizing, like, a big problem.

Yeah, I love it. Except for every, like, every once in a while when Ted Danson hits that, like, man, I just need to drink right now. Because, you know, he is recovering. Oh, and it's so poignant. I love this show. Powerful show. I love it.

The only time they showed Vera, they showed her feet a couple times. You heard her voice a couple times. It's like Nanny and Muppet Babies? But the only time her face was ever shown, it was covered in pie. Interesting. Isn't that something? Mm-hmm. Weird.

I love Cheers. And it was George Wendt's actual wife, Bernadette Burkett. Good for her! Really? Are they still married? I don't know. Is George Wendt still alive? Oh, yeah.

George Wendt hasn't died. That's going to be a sad one. Remember that. That will be a sad one. Big George Wendt fan. Everybody is. He was an alcoholic on Cheers. And they are still married.

Isn't that nice? Oh, my God. It's a true love story, guys. Yeah. It's just like an iguana eating a banana. This has been a really fun episode because everyone's got their, you got your schooners, you had all your Florida stuff. We got the 30-point buck.

Uh-huh. You know, so we learned a lot. We got the 30-point buck. Uh-huh. You know, so we learned a lot about each other. 30-point buck. Learned a lot about each other's life. What's your dumb segment? Dude, I don't even know. I think it's about fixing the homeless problem. Let's not do it.

I don't know. This is fucking. Can we not do it? I guess we could not do it. Can we not do segments anymore? People like them. No, they love the segments. Do ask the live chat how many people like the segments.

I think they like the segments. I don't want to do the segments anymore. It's fun. How to solve the homeless problem in New York City. We'll do it like a segment then. And now it's time for the stop is homeless

problem in New York City. So I'll start and I'll begin. We're doing board games. Okay. Wait, board games? All right, this is how I solve the homeless problem in New York City. I just get them off the drugs, man.

Get them off the streets. Too real, too boring. Very good. Kevin, your answer. I think what we do is we give every homeless person an iguana. Now, it's not going to keep you warm, but nothing can replace the feeling that you can only get from the love of a lizard. That's true. These people will have that.

And then, once the homeless people die, they'll be replaced by iguanas. Then New York is full of iguanas, and it's way more fun. Exactly. I agree with that. Send them to the moon. I'll agree with that. I'll agree with that. I like that.

My idea is moon houses. Send more people to the moon. Homeless on the moon. Moon houses. No longer moon houses. Yeah, but then you let homeless people have the moon baby? You really want to give them that power? Well, somebody's got to build the houses.

The moon is actually totally worthless. The moon is completely worthless. The moon sucks. No, that's why everybody's going to Mars. I'll have a Mars baby. Yeah, a Mars baby is a big time. The moon is amazing. The moon makes women's pussies fucking bleed, dude.

Can you do that? You're right, man. And it changes the tides. Yeah, and it changes the tides. And have you ever seen The Prince of Tides? It's a very sad movie. Oh, my God. Do you love it?

You're feeling intense right now. You're touching your breasts while you're talking about it. But love it. Was he molested? He has all this problem with his sister. I feel like you're sexually assaulting yourself. I've never seen somebody touch themselves and I feel bad for them who's touching themselves. That's fun.

Jackie, what are we doing? We got Moon. We got other things. Take all the homeless people before the 4th of July, so you do a roundup every year. And then instead of just like normal Macy's Day fireworks, which I spend millions of dollars on, why don't you just fill a bunch of homeless people, cadavers, with explosives? Shoot them up and cut out of cannons into the air. Explode them in the sky.

Get rid of all of them once a year. Who fucking cares? Nobody's none the wiser. And the city saves a bunch of money. And all of the MTA tickets go down. Ah. Well, that's the best idea. My monthly MetroCard will go down.

It is the best idea, but... Did you see they have $2 billion in surplus, the MTA, by the way? Really? Yeah. They've been telling us they've been fucking broke for years now. They said it was an accident. I'm sorry to... They accidentally

found $2 billion. I swear to God it's insane. They need to give that money back to the people, man. I guess that's enough to buy everybody in Iguana. All of us. Yeah. And speaking of which, Kevin, I'm going with your plan. Yeah, I see. I'd love to have a city full of iguanas. Dude, you'd be running down the streets getting your legs whipped by homeless people.

I get bored just walking down the street. I'll tell you what people love. I'll tell you what New York loves. It's adventure. And that comes in bounds and bounds when you got iguanas all over the city. That's why I moved here for adventure. For iguanas. But if you want iguanas, just go down to South Florida.

But I don't like how hot it is there. And it's nice all the time. No, it's hot. I'll tell you what I did in South Florida. I went on a class trip down to Key West. And all we did was look at plankton. That's it? Yeah.

I should have just through the entire story. You should have just done that through the whole episode. You may as well be a whale with a fucking grass teeth. So mean. They have that shit. Catches the plank episode. Because you may as well be a whale with fucking grass teeth. So mean. They have that shit.

Catches the plankton. Don't fucking worry about it. It's like all wormy and stuff. Have you seen plankton? Yeah. Everybody's fucking seen plankton. Super gross. I don't think I've ever seen plankton.

You drink it if you're just like in water. They don't have plankton in Texas. No, never seen plankton. Maybe down by Mexico. It's microscopic. And we had mud battles. We go to these mud pits and cover ourselves in mud.

Ew. Was it sexy? No, it was gross. No, it was not sexy. It was Holden covering himself in the mud. Yeah, the mud was filled with bugs and stuff.

I just imagine you jerking off while girls cover themselves in mud and you're trying to jerk off in the mud. I went to Planet Hollywood. That is the same that's exactly what I just said God

Holden you're so ugly sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came. I'm Randy Shaggy's brother. I was the old-timey Neal A. Kevin Bardat. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss.

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I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. I'm a boss. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.