The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 238: Lord Humongulous

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a bank robber eats his own feces while testifying at his own trial, a San Francisco prison is accused of running a fight club, and a particularly creative Englishman is using a webcam to live stream his own decay after death. Joining us today: Chris Laker, Jake Young, Mike Guild, and Matt Maragno!

Hey, Roundtable listeners, we're looking to get some sponsors for the show, so if you want to help us out, go to surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. That's surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. And you can help us out by just giving us some of your information, and we can take some potential sponsors. Now, on with the Roundtable. The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! information and we can take some potential sponsors now on with the round table the round table gentlemen let's broaden our minds it's time for action gentlemen gentlemen what's the topic of discussion civility gentlemen always civility um all right everyone welcome to the show jake you have to What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. All right, everyone, welcome to the show. Jake, you have to pray. You're sitting in for Holden McNeely, who thankfully is not here. I'd like to do, in his honor, I'd like to do a guided meditation. I thought we were going to get rid of these folks. Imagine you're sitting on the Sierra. The sun burns your face, but in a way it's refreshing.

Then you feel a bump on your neck. It's growing at an alarming rate. It's swelling, doubling in size every second. Oh, God, this is it. It's getting bigger and bigger. Oh, Jesus, it hurts. Why? Why does it hurt so much?

And release. Well, I thought the bump was going to be Holden. All right. Well, that'll do. Thank you, Jake. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. We have a huge roundtable today, so that'll be exciting. But let's go through the normal people that are here. Jackie Zabrowski. I'm here, and I just want to give a shout out to Henry Zabrowski. I'm here, and I just want to give a shout-out to Henry Zabrowski. I decided that our song today was Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt and that soulful black man. I love him. You know the one. You know the guy.

You don't know the guy, but he sings the song just once, which everybody knows, and you think you don't know it, but you definitely fucking know it. And I watched the video about five times today, and he hasn't responded to me yet, so I just wanted to say it out loud. Holden hasn't responded to you? No, Henry hasn't responded yet,

that this is going to be our song while he's gone. So I just want to look up at the sky and think of him, you know? That's from the Coming to America movie? American Tail. It's the mouse. Yeah, 50 Goes West is the second one, which I thought that was the first one. Alright. Well, our fat friend

Ed is still out of the state here. He's in Los Angeles working with Jeffrey Ross. Sitting in for him, Christopher Laker. Hey. What's up? What's your favorite addition to the American tale story? I like the straight to videos. I just

am so happy to have another bearded fellow in between me and Marcus again because I hate sitting next to Marcus. I love Marcus, but I hate sitting next to him. Yeah, I'm a horrible person to sit next to in this show. It's the lice, isn't it? It's mostly the lice. Yeah, and it's all of his touching. He does a lot of squirmy touching.

I've never done it, man. I've always been across, and I just realized that it's better. It's so much better. You don't want to see what's on the screen. You don't want've never done it, man. I've always been across and I just realized that that is better. It's so much better. You don't want to see what's on the screen. You don't want to know what's going on. It's just so much easier

this way. That's right. As we said earlier, Holden McNeely is not here because I have no idea why. Thank fucking God His parents are in town. His parents are in town

so they're regretting having him as a child right now. Sitting in for Holden, Jake Young from Nerd of Mouth and a whole series of other funny things. In Holden's place, I'd just like to say for the audience out there, incest is wrong.

Whoa! Shots fired, Holden. Shots fired. Enjoy your weekend with your parents. No, that's wrong, because it's gross. He likes to fuck his mother. Yeah, Holden wants to have sex with his mom. But is that illegal?

Yes. Not very much, though. The vagina is a one-way path for a child. Only out. You cannot go back in. What about fingers, though? No, no, no, no. What if your cousins, it's Montana and the 1800s?

Well, yeah, anything goes. That's fine. That's why on the incest porn, it always says in parentheses, simulated. Oh, is that right? Yeah. There was a guy named Jesse in college, and we called him Uncle Jesse. He had come all over his sweatpants, and that's all he would watch was mother-daughter porn. It was the strangest thing.

Only mother-daughter porn? Only mother-daughter. He just liked to watch a daughter eat out her mother were you just like partying and he'd just be in the corner how did you know all this that's literally what would happen because it was a dorm so he would just be watching this porno we'd be doing drugs and getting drunk he was just a nerd who played uh you know games like starcraft and other stuff that kevin likes calm down and all that shit man the thrill of victory once you finally defeat that zerg rush you gotta jerk off to some incest

it was so funny because you know that experience where you have as a as a young dude where you you start sharing porn with friends and then you always found out one friend was into shit that you never thought of before so i had one i had another friend half of his porno was chicks with dicks and he didn't think it was strange but i was like you know they have dicks he's like but they're chicks i'm like they are dudes they are men dude, but I was like, you know they have dicks. He's like, but they're chicks. I'm like, they are dudes. They are men, dude. He loved that porno. And then that's why you have to stop sharing your truth. All right.

How are you doing, Kevin? I'm all right, man. You know, I'm here, man. I'm chilling. You know, though it hurts, that's fine. That's good. All right. In the chuckle, Matt Morato is here.

Thanks for being here, Matt. Thank you. All right. In the chuckle, Matt Morato is here. Thanks for being here, Matt. Thank you. All right. And then, great, Irene Morales. And thank you for being here. Did I say that name right? Yeah, you said it perfect. All right, Irene.

Thank you so much for being here. And you guys know each other from Florida, right, Kev? Yeah, yeah. Comedy shit, Florida shit, all that shit. That's great. Describe Florida shit just real quickly. You know, you're talking about, like, driving cars, man, fucking eating pizzas, man. Just all that shit, dude.

Sounds like a lot of, okay. Great times. Florida-style pizza is just a human ankle. I do love that zombie attack. All right, Marcus, I guess let's do a news story. And also Mike Gild as well. Oh, Mike Gild, I'm so sorry. I don't see well. Hiding in the corner over there. I guess let's do a news story. And also my guild as well. Oh, my guild. I'm so sorry.

I don't see well. Hiding in the corner over there. I don't see well. Big shout out to all my swamp ninjas. Swamp ninjas. All right. You're not allowed to say that. Yeah, that's a...

I'm from Florida. I can say that. Marcus gave me a good lesson on things I'm not allowed to say. Another fucking lesson after last week of the words I'm not allowed to say. I didn't know. Jackie, what are the words you're not allowed to say. Another fucking lesson after last week of the words I'm not allowed to say. I didn't know. Jackie, what are the words you're not allowed to say? No, you didn't know. Good instincts.

I don't know. It's just an interesting choice to be on this thing and the first thing you say is a racial slur. No, it just means he listens to the show. Swamp Ninja is a great... I would love to be called Swamp Ninja. But Swamp Ninja is No, it just means he listens to the show. Yeah, no, no. It's dope. Swamp Ninja is a great... I would love to be called Swamp Ninja. But Swamp Ninja is okay.

You're allowed to say Swamp Ninja. Are you not aware of the secret Cuban ninja war that's been raging in the Everglades since 1987? Oh, it's a Cuban thing, so we're definitely listening. I was watching the NCAA tournament today, the Louisville game. There was a kid named Tum Tum, and his mother named him after one of the three ninjas, Tum Tum. I swear to God, the announcer was like, yeah, he got his name from the three ninjas. And I was like, that is the best name. Wasn't Tum Tum the one that liked to eat all the food?

Oh, the Twizzlers, my favorite character. Of course I named my kid after him. I think his special attack, he harnessed his ninja power when they realized they could just roll him into a ball and just throw him at people. That's what it was, right? That's how he mastered martial arts. They were just like, you're heavy, we're gonna throw you at criminals. I love the idea. That's not bad. You'd be a great crime fighter

yourself. Oh, I would swing in like a wrecking ball and fight crime every day. Oh, I love Miley Cyrus. Alright, Marcus, let's do a news story. Roger Pinberthy, a web developer from England with terminal cancer, has come up with a unique approach to helping his family and friends deal with his inevitable passing. He plans to be buried with a webcam in his coffin,

providing a streaming feed of his decomposing body. I love it. This is so fun. I never wanted to be buried before. Yeah. No, it sounds like, yeah. But I'd like to be put in one of those drawers in a wall with the webcam. You know those, like, they have more.

It's a crypt, yeah. It's a mausoleum. Like they did with Mickey and Rocky, whatever, when he died. Rocky IV. Yes. They put a webcam in there? No. They put him in a wall.

They didn't have webcams yet. They just put like one of those VHS cameras. Oh, okay. He's not going to take care of his family just from that. After the first week, people are going to get bored. What he has to do is build a hydraulic system so like once a month he just moves a little. Yeah. And people are like, oh, what's happening?

If you pay a subscription, people would be locked into it. I love this idea. I was talking to my friend who lost her mother and she was saying that she has a paranoia that her mother is still alive. And she wishes that her mom had a webcam inside the casket so she could watch her regularly. I guess kind of just become Earth. Yeah. But it would be nice to be reassured that your mother is dead and not suffering in a casket underneath the ground. Yeah.

But over the years, you're going to take all the video and just do the speed-up version of it, and that's going to be really fucking cool, like what they do with flowers and shit. Irene, it'll be kind of funny. You know those videos where you can grab the microphone? Oh, okay. That's better for the recording. You know, like how people take a picture a day

for a year about their hair and stuff, and you watch the transition? And then she gets beaten up by her boyfriend? Yeah, did you see that? Have you seen those? It's a YouTube video. Watch how a woman changes over a year. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, she has all these back and blues.

And like August. And then like goes away. I don't appreciate that shit, man. What is like, I'm thinking of watching her change or whatever. Now I got to see this hurt woman. I don't want to see that shit. I've never seen the video. She didn't want to see it either.

Yeah, you want to see what happens next. And that's what happens next. She gets fucking the shit beat out of her. What's your favorite thing to watch on YouTube, Gavin? My favorite shit to watch on YouTube? Break dancing. No, it's not fucking break dancing. Lonely white dudes reviewing knives.

Nah, just footage of the ocean, man. Just in general. Just the ocean itself. I think it's lovely. This guy that's getting buried and having the webcam, he actually has a very good positive attitude. He says,

I have a very pragmatic approach to death and I fear it not to the slightest degree. The same cannot be said for my wife who does nothing but cry when she thinks of me

going to die. Oh, that dumbass chick, man. She's so fucking stupid. I'm ready to die, man. I'm excited. I already got my plan. It's better than his plan. What I'm going to do is I'm excited I already got my plan and it's better than his plan what I'ma do is

I'ma be buried and uh in my shit it's gonna play non-stop just trap music it's the best trap music right but I'm gonna be

at the end of a strip of like all the bars and then my shit's gonna be right on the other side of the street where there's no more bars and people gonna walk and they hear the trap music

and oh shit there's another dope bar that's open playing all this trap it's 5am they walk over it's dope bar that's open playing all this trap. It's 5am. They walk over and it's like, alright, that's right, it's just Kevin. He's dead. Party at Kevin. Are you going to update the music?

Nope, all we're playing is No Type by Ray Swamberg over and over and over again. It's a moment in time captured. This guy says, I have therefore made provision for a webcam to be placed in my coffin along with a light, all powered by a solar panel, which will be incorporated into my gravestone. He said my wife and my friends will be able to log on to imdead.com anytime they want to check in with me and observe nature taking its course.

I really think this is sweet. Matt, you have a significant other. Would you want to see her corpse rot or not? I would. She actually wants us to be buried in the same casket together. Well, then you would have to die at the same time. No, no, no. Like, if he dies and then I die later, they just, like, take him up and, like, put me

in there. You can build, like, a crushed dead body on top of his old dead body? Yeah, we'll be dead. It doesn't matter. That is so weird, though. You've got to leave her, Matt. That is creepy. I think there's people that would love to watch us decomposing together.

And I'm going to do it for them. That's how they up the game. I don't want to just see a solo cam. I want to see a couple's dead people chill. Who's jacking off to this cam? like, I don't want to just see a solo cam. I want to see a couple's dead people chill. Right, right, right. I mean, yeah, who's jacking off to this cam? Oh, I love that new porn site, imdead.com. I can't stop jacking off to that dude.

This is a great plan because the one thing about dying is you don't want your chick to be with another dude. Oh, this is terrifying. That's why I always respect Yoko Ono. She never hooked up with another guy after John Lennon got shot. She's too busy screaming in the MoMA hallway. So bad. Yoko Ono, are you here? That's amazing.

Everybody's having fun with this. The people at work, they're even running a side bed on which one of his eyes will disappear first. Cool. Whoa. What happens to the human eye? I guess the- It liquefies. It just liquefies.

It putrefies just like all the rest of it. Oh, man. So we going in on this? I'm saying left. Yeah. I'm going to go left eye also. Why? Because of TLC?

I love- I mean, he did go first, so I guess he got it in the- Hey! Hey, guys. Speaking of porno, holy Christ, that creep video from, what was it, 95, 96? 96. Red Light Special. Yeah.

There was a woman, and her name was Jamie Molinarski. And she loved Lisa I Left Eye Lopez and what was the name of the group there? TLC. TLC. Tender Loving Care. And that's why I liked them so much because they were emotional. And that Red Light special song

was the hottest video I've ever seen in my life. It was nothing compared to the En Vogue Don't Let Go video. That video was sexy as hell. I mean, welcome. And TLC is actually for T-Boz, Left Eye, and Chili. Thank you very much. Confirmed. I thought it was for Toz, Left Eye, and Chili. Thank you very much. I wasn't going to say it.

Confirmed. I thought it was for Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Now that's bad. No, they're the ones who sang No Pigeons, if you remember that parody song. I love that song. Oh, that's right. In Vogue was so hot. Lisa Left Eye Lopez, you mentioned people liquefying. She became liquefied in the Waterfalls video.

She turned into water. Yeah. Which was so hot. Always come at that time, so I am a waterphilic. I just love it. Hydrophilic. Yeah, I love it when people turn into water. It's really the only example I've ever seen of it.

If it wasn't for the song Unpretty, I would have terrible body issues instead of the sex god you see before you right now. I love that song. I take Unpretty way too seriously. I think everybody did at the time. I love that song. I take on pretty way too seriously. I think everybody did at the time. I was like, you're right, girl. Damn.

The one chick died of AIDS in that video. Remember that? That was Waterfalls, right? Yeah, that was Waterfalls. We learned a lot of lessons in the 90s, guys. So many, man. Now about this dead weirdo. He said, you have to look on the bright side, I think.

After all, as the skin from around my mouth disappears, I look as though I'm getting happier and happier. Jesus Christ, who is this guy? Until there's nothing left but a huge shit-eating grin. I love this guy. Is he from Florida? He's from England. It does seem like more of a Florida thing to do.

Or Australia. He's from Cornwall. What do you think, Irene? Would you ever go to the website? You fall in love with a man? Would you ever watch his corpse decomposing? I mean, that's some stalker shit. Oh, am I not allowed to curse?

Oh, you can curse. I think Matt was pulling your leg earlier. How many minutes of blatant necrophilia did you listen to? All right. So, Mike Yold, you're here as well. What do you think? How many minutes of blatant necrophilia did you listen to? All right. So, Mike Yold, you're here as well. What do you think? How do you want it?

Do you want a camera? Do you just want to be behind glass in a public square? I do like the idea of having your body sort of, this is kind of a modern day mummification to some degree. He's always, he's never going to be dead. He's going to stay alive forever. This is sort of the extension of what Walt Disney did when he froze his brain. But if you're on television or the internet, you're never gone. He'll be alive until the solar flares bring the electromagnetic pulse and knock out all of the energy,

thus bringing about the second dark age of humanity. Pinbirther planned for that. He has solar panels in the grave itself. As soon as you said his name was Pinbirther, I was like, nothing you say will weird me out. It's also like, last names are given for what people used to do for jobs, right? So what the fuck is a Pinbirther?

Well, Needledick was already taken. Oh man, I just forgot about freezing. I want to be frozen. This is my will right now. I want to be frozen. Well, man. I forgot about freezing. I want to be frozen. This is my will right now. I want to be frozen. Well, do you know what happened with Walt Disney?

So if they ever do end up opening because they fucked up the pressure, so whenever they do open that door, the whole thing's going to explode. So he's totally screwed. But that's even better. That's awesome. It's like they take out a bunch of people

when they do try to take you out. I want my whole body frozen in a plexiglass cylinder, and my remaining fortune will be spent on a Mr. Freeze cosplayer who will just cry next to it forever. Like mine? My Nora. I just want that. And he'll be like, man, this is the sweetest gig ever.

I've gone insane, but I like it. I want to be stuffed. I want to be stuffed and mounted in a chair, reading a newspaper, you know, left in the middle of Grand Central for a couple hours to see if anyone notices. Nobody will. No one will. You all got it wrong. Fun fact, it is illegal to taxidermy a human being.

Why? Well, I'm not going to get in trouble. Good luck finding a taxidermist will do it. You got to get a crooked one. No, go to Florida. And a crooked one's not going to get in trouble. Good luck finding a taxidermist. He'll do it. You got to get a crooked one. And a crooked one's not going to be good. I'm sure it ain't hard to find, man. I'm sure there's somebody ready. Easy. 500 bucks.

How about an extra 50? Okay, fine. I've been eating packing peanuts since 1997. I'm going to be fine. I just will stand where I live. It's fine. It's great. What if it's your own body part? Because I remember between my drive from Tallahassee to my hometown, there was a taxidermist that I would stop at

that he taxidermied his own hand because he lost his hand. Where did it go? I don't know what happened, but he had a hook and he had his hand. I'm assuming it's his. I could not be his. I hope it is. But he had one.

But he didn't have a hand, but there was also... So I assumed it was his. Was this his thesis project? Maybe. I don't know, man. It was the kind of man you didn't ask a lot of questions of. You can't. Yeah, you just stop by there while you're driving by.

Yeah. Well, because he also sold barbecue out front. Oh, okay. Oh, that is creepy. That's what I want to be, though, barbecue. Come on down to One Arden Steve's Barbecue Shack. One taste and you'll be hooked. Oh, that's good, Jack.

Very good. You should go down and help him with his PR, because no one was stopping him. Hopefully not. He's got a fucking hand in the back. I love that. It's adorable, Jackie, that you think he's still alive I hope he is

I just don't understand how do you taxidermy when you got one hand That's gotta be hard Practice practice practice I love that old hook hand though I want to cut off one of my hands The hook hand is a great look It's scary intimidating And you can grab money really fun

It's like I don't need a And you can grab money really fun. It's like, I don't need a money clip. I have a hand. Oh, I love a good... You can slide down rails and shit. It's like a grappling hook. You can do anything. Live like Data from the Goonies. That'd be perfect.

Irene, you would date a guy with a one hand, or is that a deal breaker? Yeah, it's a deal breaker. It is? For sure. Oh, come on. So much bigotry in such a tiny room. Oh, make your mind up, man. No, I think I'd... No, I'd probably buy him a hand. I'd probably buy him a hand in such a tiny room. Mind up, man. No, I'd probably buy him a hand.

I'd probably buy him a hand. And then just sass him up. I think it would be great because especially if you had a fake hand, it's like when you do the stranger, when you sit on your hand and you jerk off with it. And then it's like if you had a fake hand, it's like, oh, who's this other dead man that has his fingers inside of me? You know how when you cuddle, that one of your arms always falls asleep? Goes dead, yeah. That would not be a person. So yeah, I would totally go for it.

Yeah, and you can stab your hand in public and everyone's like, oh my god, he's stabbing his hand and it's fake and stuff. That could be our party trick. Yeah, I have a bunch of fun, man. That fake hand would be great for jacking and you could let your friends use it i guess so why not yeah marcus is a fleshlight i guess you could make a fleshlight hand type thing there's already some weirdo with a 3d printer that's made it we just have to look on the internet you can make anything into a flashlight if you try hard enough what What else is in the news?

That sounds about right. So the guy's filming himself. He's in the grave. His wife is crying all the time thinking about his dad. Yeah, let's move on to D.C. news. A man walked into an Annapolis elementary school this week and began handing money to students before he was removed from the school and arrested on an open warrant.

Torrance Wallace, 47, appeared to be under the influence when he entered Georgia Town East Elementary School through the cafeteria kitchen shortly before noon on Monday. He made his way through the kitchen and into the cafeteria where he began handing money to four-year-olds on their lunch break. This is like the most fun thing to do when you're drunk. The managers make every right decision possible. The idea of giving money to four year olds in a cafeteria when you're blasted off your ass is extremely enjoyable.

I never thought about it before until this man did it. And I desperately want to do it. But of course, I probably have a warrant to. When did being a philanthropist become illegal in this country? Yeah, they said that although he was talking with students he never made any threatening remarks or gestures he made his way into a hallway where he was confronted by a teacher and then turned around and went back into the cafeteria where he figured he was safe god how did he get in my mother had a hard time getting into my school he was like she had to get frisked every time she came in.

He got in through the cafeteria door. He went. He knocked on the door. The cafeteria worker came, assumed he was there to make a delivery. He wandered in. And he was. Racism. What do you mean, race?

How? Because he's just there to make a delivery. Did he have any packages with him? Well, race was the guy. We don't even know what Ricey was. I'm looking at the screen. He's black. Oh, he's a black guy. He's a black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's an older guy. This is great. It's Rice. I love this guy.

You know. I'm saying. You know how black guys always get into schools? They always let him in there. You're the cafeteria power guy. I want the stereotype. That's the magic of black. This stereotype needs to be all, you know, black people, they're always breaking into cafeterias giving money to four-year-olds.

Typical. You know what? Honestly, though, in my mind, I don't imagine this hard. You show up to a school you have no business being at, pack a lunch, sit down, eat that shit, no one will say anything to you. You're just a dude eating lunch at this school. I don't know. You might be hard and ready to fucking burst, man.

No, that's the problem. He was fucked up on who knows what. He was listening to raw dog comedy on Sirius XM, heard yet another hacky joke about how black dudes don't tip, and he was like, I'll show them. I'll show them all. What was he saying to these kids, too? Like, I'll hear a little something for you now.

Why don't you get chicken? Get some pizza. Your mom don't want you to get pizza. Well, we don't know what he spoke about. I imagine he just opened up a briefcase full of money, exploded it in the air, and just yelled, chocolate milk for everyone! That's so great.

It sounds like a coked up thing. It sounds like a coked up thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, a routine check revealed Wallace had an open warrant for possession of a controlled dangerous substance, not marijuana, and possession of drug paraphernalia. He was caught with cocaine earlier this morning. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

And remember, it was noon on a Tuesday. That's a great time to get money. So he was going up on a Tuesday. Oh, yeah, he's having a good time on a Tuesday. Why not? I think this, you know, not all things that are illegal are wrong. I think we need to encourage more activity like this. Wandering into schools and giving children money?

Yeah. I don't know. Why not? He didn't hurt anybody. The kids got them. I mean, they don't know what money is. They're four. Yeah.

Well, one of the kids turned in the money to his teacher. It's like, here, the strange man gave me this money. That's so cute. Oh, that teacher kept that money. Definitely. It would be weird if you, that teacher kept that money. Definitely. It would be weird if you're a teacher and all your kids

come back from lunch with like $10. You're like, what the hell happened? What happened at lunch? The nice man. Where did this happen? This was in Maryland.

Annapolis. Oh, interesting. Why? Isn't that some sort of American government town? These liberals handing out money. This happened again in 2013. It happened at Brooklyn Park Middle School when a homeless man walked through an unsecured door and fell asleep in a hallway.

That's nice. You know. I don't know. How much money did he hand out to four-year-olds? This is also in Maryland. This isn't Brooklyn, New York. That was Brooklyn, Maryland. So Maryland has a homeless problem, seems like.

And they're also taking our cities. Jake, you're from Maryland, right? I lived in Silver Spring for a few years. The homeless in D.C. are of a particular, they just get by. They're just fine. Everyone's like, I'm sorry, I have to run the world. I can't pay attention to you. So they're just kind of like ghost people.

But honestly, if there was a homeless guy sleeping in my grade school, all my teachers would just be like, children, come out here, come out here. This is what happens if you don't do your goddamn math homework. Wasn't that like a Joe Pesci movie? With honors. Yeah, I love that movie. Madonna did the song for it. With honors.

That's a great one. With Brendan Fraser. Hot to trot. But he pretended to be some great great literary guy but it turns out he was nothing. He was just a fucking homeless guy. I loved Brendan Fraser. Whatever happened to him? Insano Man. Insano Man was fun.

He was frozen. He did that Looney Tunes movie then felt so much shame he decided to never leave his house anymore. The Bones movie? What was it? Monkey Bones. We're not talking about Monkey Bones. We're not talking about Monkey Bones? What about Bedazzled? Don're never going to talk about Monkey Bones. What about Bedazzled?

Don't even know what that is. Bedazzled was good. With Elizabeth. Was it Bedazzled or Bedeviled? Was it Bedeviled? I think it was Bedeviled. No. It's Bedazzled. It was Bedazzled?

It was Bedazzled? Bedazzled. It was Bedazzled. That's why I had all those rhinestones on my pussy. Oh, I remember that. I put them there. I only went to DC once. It was a good jazz old. That's why I had all those rhinestones on my pussy. I remember that. I put them there. I only went to D.C. once in my entire life.

And the second I get off the train, I'm walking through. I'm going to go down to their subway system. And some cops stop me. And they're just, like, busting my chops for smelling like weed. And I talked to them for ten minutes, showed them my ID. It was all good. And then I walk 30 feet away and take the stairs down to the subway system of Washington, D.C. And there's just two dudes

sitting there smoking crack. Like 30 feet away from these cops who were just hassling me about smelling like weed. Well, you know, they had crack, though. That's a whole other, you know, that's a sad ball game. Yeah, they can't afford a fine. A fine. Yeah. The point is, some kid's Yu-Gi-Oh deck got way sweeter, And you should thank

That homeless guy No wait Crazy drug dealer He wasn't homeless He was just a coke head Okay I don't think the guy Did anything wrong

He was being a sweet fella You should be celebrated man Yeah That's why you don't Carry money with you When you do a bunch of coke Because you'll start Giving it away

Yeah That money probably Had enough cocaine residue On it to get Four year olds hot Oh yeah that's true You did probably give them All the money Was all rolled up They're giving it away. That money probably had enough cocaine residue on it to get four-year-olds hot. Oh, yeah, that's true. He did probably give them all the money was all rolled up. He looks great.

He's 47. He looks great for 47. He does look really good. He looks good because of all the joy. I would definitely kiss him. Hard. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, why isn't this like a positive pick-me-up story? You know? It feels like it's like a positive pick-me-up story? You know? It's like a Scrooge situation, but when Scrooge grows a heart and he understands what love is. Yeah, it's like the end of Scrooge, except if he was doing all that blow and got put into jail for it. Remember, especially with the little rabbit in the Muppet Christmas Carol, where it's like he definitely wanted to bang that fucking rabbit. Remember when he sends him to go get the turkey? I feel like he at least brought him up

and gave him a handjob before he went to go get the turkey. A rabbit bought a turkey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember? No, I don't remember. The way Muppets work, they can only give handjobs.

Isn't that something? You know what? This guy, he wasn't charged with it. They didn't charge him with trespassing or anything like that. They just arrested him for the cocaine warrant.

That's good. Okay. And now he's the principal. Oh, this is just stand and deliver. You're just describing the plot of stand and deliver. It's weird those kids made more money at lunch than their teacher did. That's probably why he got caught in the first place.

His kid came back. Josh was like, look teacher, look at all the money I made at lunch. She got pissed off., said, I don't make that much, and then went and called the principal and got it all figured out. It's a small price to pay for that prison gruel that these kids have to eat. You should get paid for eating that nonsense. Ooh, I got a prison

story. Ooh, good. Ooh, I love prison stories. I actually got a couple of prison stories. The first one is about love. Oh, good. An infamous killer who strangled a gay man has married a fellow murderer in the first known same-sex marriage inside a British prison. They fixed him. Let him breathe. He did it.

I guess I was just trying to murder myself. Mikhail Golodunov was locked up in 1997 for the murder of a Salford man, Adrian Kaminsky, who he had met through a gay chat line before luring him into his home in Mostyn. The case made headlines at the time as Galitinov, a convicted child sex offender, was being monitored by police as part of an undercover operation, and officers were sat outside his home in Ebsworth in Mostyn at the time of the killing. Galenov, who was 23 when he was jailed for life in 1997, married fellow inmate Mark Goodwin, 31, at a ceremony on Friday.

Goodwin was sentenced to life behind bars in 2007 for a gay-bashing killing on Blackpool Seafront. The men revealed last month that they had posted a notice of marriage at a nearby registrar's office which was displayed for 15 days. According to reports today, the wedding ceremony was attended by just a handful of relatives and a few convicts. That's so nice though. It's a beautiful story, man. If anyone

has a reason why these two should not be wed, shank now or forever hold your peace. What's happening in Britain? Why is it becoming Florida all of a sudden? Yeah we got a couple of stories from England They're getting all the good news stories I wonder if any of you guys know I've been recently talking about Paradise Lost a lot And everyone knows Damien Echols got married

When he's in jail So if you were married and you were in jail Do you get conjugal time? It all depends on the state. So if you're married and you're in jail, do you get conjugal time? It all depends on the state. In California, if you're in prison for the death penalty or in life in prison, I think, or if you murdered someone, one of those, you can't get conjugal visits. Charles Manson cannot get conjugal visits. I'm sure in Arkansas there's no conjugal visits.

There might be. I don't know. But I wonder if over in England, jolly old, I mean, obviously they're not going to shack up together in a cell. They won't let that happen. They won't. Actually, I did read that in another cover of this story. They said that they will not let them live together.

They can't live in the same cell. Those fuckers. Oh, this is homophobic. I have long been for gay British murderers in prison to get married way before anybody else. Here, here. Now they should be able they're not allowed to live together. Why?

Because they're in prison? Where are their adopted Chinese daughters gonna live? I like to imagine that one of them is on board for this and the other one just thinks this is like an escape plan. They're halfway through an escape plan. That at least is a way to protect himself, I imagine. Tell me again, why do I have to suck your dick before we go through the air ducts?

It's about losing weight. You shouldn't marry somebody in prison, man. It's going to be so awkward when you break up. You see each other all the time. They're both in for life. Yeah. Charles Manson, yeah, not a lot of procreate. They were worried he was going to smuggle his sperm out and put it into Star, that gal.

She wanted to have the kid with him, which that would have been adorable to see him try to smuggle. What's in your hands, Charlie? Oh, nothing, just 8 million people. Seek it to the universe. Seeds of the universe. That is the name of Charlie Manson's sperm. The seeds of the universe. This is actually the original script for I Now Pronounce You Chuck

and Larry. Then the suits got a hold of it. One of them was found guilty of murdering a guy and is jailed for life. The other one is in prison for a minimum of 20 years, but he has the possibility of getting out. Wow. So there might be a split here.

That's got to be real awkward, though, man. He's probably the top. It's bizarre that one person has been sentenced to life twice, if you think about marriage as a person. That's good, Kissel. That's a good one. Irene, how much did you fall in love with me? I've never heard.

Oh, my God. You should have checked out my Twitter today. It was pretty good. What kind of medical cream does a pig use? Oinkment. Oinkment. You got it, Irene? Yeah, oinkment, yeah.

Well, there are 13 people who agree with you. 13 faves. Three retweets. Oinkment. Kind of fun. I really liked it. Yeah. Is it one of those weird retweets from, like, just, like, pigtweets. Oinkment. Kind of fun. I really liked it. Yeah. Is it one of those weird retweets from just like pigtweets.org?

Whenever you make a joke just out of nowhere. So somebody's just searching it? Yeah. Yeah, well, I got 26 faves on better to be throwing up than not showing up. Yeah, I saw you. I thought there was too many faves. I was like, why is she getting all of them? Which I said while I was puking while I was at work.

Yay. And you work in the food industry. But that's fine. I was in the bathroom. It's fine. That's good. That's good. All right, Marcus.

Where are we at? So this lovely prison couple is getting married. Yeah, they're getting married. Nobody objects to the wedding, really. I mean, a poll on the website that I'm here, the Daily Mail, they did a poll to see, like, do you think that they should get married? Do you think prisoners should be allowed to be married?

I voted yes. Good. But I was in the minority. Only 20% of the people that voted said that prisoners should be able to get married. Why the hell not? Let him get married. He's a murderer.

He doesn't deserve any cock. Yeah, I mean, I guess why not, you know, if it works out for him. I mean, if you're answering an online poll, you're already a lonely weirdo. Hi, Marcus. Hello. It's just like, you're like, oh, even murderers get love? That's not fair. But at a certain point, it's like, especially if you serve a life sentence in prison, what is the point?

You could roll up on some dude who's just bigger than you, and you're straight, and he's gay, and he says, nigga, we married. And then you're married to the guy. You're married. You can just say that. Oh, my God. You can't understand what the point of getting married is. It's common law. It's a common law prison marriage.

I feel like it just gives them a reason to keep going every day, because other than that, you're just trying to figure out a way to kill yourself, right? Absolutely. You guys want to see a picture of these fellas? Yeah. Let's watch the happy couple. Oh, they're creepy. Yeah, they're both super creepy murderers.

Is the one guy an ex-Nazi who is living in Argentina or something? Where's that picture from, Marcus? I don't know. That's a weird picture. But, yeah, that's Mikhail Galitinov. How many of you guys got two black eyes from the honeymoon? Yeah.

That's Galitinov, the guy on the right. He's the one that was just out and about. Like, he's out. Like, he was gay before he went to prison. But Goodwin, the guy on the left, he's the one that said before they went out to kill someone, he said, let's go gay bashing, let's go kill somebody. So that's why he was charged with a hate crime for killing a gay man, or as Jake said early,

killing himself. Isn't that something? So I guess he learned to love. He did. He learned to love himself, most importantly. That's nice. He found love in a hopeless place. That's great.

Prison would be the happiest place on the face of the planet. Yeah. Take a victim's nose if it's that soft. And if he could just find a way to turn himself into water and escape through the toilet, that would be amazing. All right. So that's good. Love is in the air.

I'm happy for him. Congratulations, everybody. Yeah, that's good on them. Let's stick in the world of crime. Yay. Yay, everybody. Yeah, that's good on them. Let's stick in the world of crime. Yay! Yeah. A Paso Robles man on trial for bank robbery put his hand into his pants, took out feces, and ate it while testifying on the stand.

That's what happens when John Waters is the judge. Andrew Gilbertson, 40, is accused of robbing the Bank of America located at Santa Rosa and Aguera Streets in San Luis Obispo in California. While on the stand, Gilbertson said the Virgin Mary told him to rob the bank. He then said the Virgin Mary told him to eat feces. Where is that in the Bible? Where the Virgin Mary just screams at Jesus to eat his own shit. No, he's got dreams, man. He's got dreams.

I think that's in the book of Job. Oh, okay. It depends on which gospel, because Matthew is like, Jesus totally chowed down on a turd, but John's like, that never happened. It's a common. Obviously, it would have to happen in Deuteronomy,

which sounds exactly like a German sex game where dumps get taken on German chests. I've been a customer at Bank of America for years years let me tell you i've been eating shit forever lock them up kevin what do you think about it you don't like the butt you don't like the poop stuff would you do this to get an insanity uh you know no absolutely not man that's you talking about eating shit your own it's your own shit so it's already inside of you, so technically you've kind of eaten it already. My own shit is the worst shit, though. It's worse than other people's, man.

It's a common, I mean, if the perp eats shit, you must acquit. That is a classic legal... That's right. Yeah, that is right. He's a convicted sex offender. Oh, okay. Yep, he's appearing in court right now with his head half-shaved and a large bandage on his forehead.

Here's a picture of Mr. Gilbertson right here. He is pleading not guilty by reason of insanity. What's the sexual offense? It doesn't say. I can probably figure it out. But yeah, they don't know. He entered the bank wearing a child's pink backpack and handed a teller a note demanding money

saying that the Virgin Mary told him to do it. So he's a bank robber, a sexual offender, and then he ate the dookie on the stand. Yeah, a coprophiliac, yeah. You think he might have pulled like a two girls, one cup where it's fake? You think so? What's that fake? That's the question, though. Yeah, it's fake.

It is? It's fake. What have I been jacking off to, then? The whole world. Wrong thing, man. What? What state was this in? The whole world. Wrong thing, man. What? What state was this in? This was in, let me see here.

California. California, yeah. So, okay. First of all, explain to me how two girls, one cup is fake because there is definitely... They just shoved it up inside of her and she just shit it right out. You can tell it's not fucking shit. It's like ice cream or something. Yeah, it's not shit.

It looks like frosting or ice cream. It's like a milkshake. But it came out of a butt, and it's food. It came out of a butt, yes, but it's still, if it's frosting coming out of an ass, I'll fucking eat it. If she's a restaurant, what grade does she get in? Oh, I mean, at least an A if she's paying the right people. I mean, I remember when Two Girls, One Cup came out, and I was like one of the few that watched it a few times. I had to watch it a few times because everyone showed it to me.

Because you could tell it wasn't real shit. It wasn't real shit. Really? Yeah. I had not seen it in, when did that come out? Eight years ago? I don't want to see it.

There you go. It's not real shit. It looks like coarse ground mustard. Yeah. I don't know. And it also cuts away before they start eating it. Before the shit.

And it's obviously, and it's also made to look real nice and everything. It is not made to look real nice. No, it's not. It's not. I don't know why you guys are freaking out. It's like fucking oatmeal or something. It's obvious stage poop. You know like when they do a commercial for fast food and on the commercial it looks real nice and then when you actually get it it's like this is TV shit.

I love the idea that a guy started a business called Stage Poop and he's like honey we have an order. We have an order. We got one. Stage Poop is going to be huge. Nobody calls in 10 years and picks up a phone covered in cobwebs and starts to ring.

Oh shit honey. I think our money's coming in. Oh Stage Poop. This is a real ring. Oh, shit, honey. I think our money's coming in. Oh, stage poop. This is a real question. Okay, you're on trial. You robbed a bank. You fucked up. To get out of it, like 100%, we're going to pretend that the jury is an idiot.

Right. 100%, you will get out of it if you just chow down on a full-on turd. Would you do it? A thousand percent. He's not going to get out of it. At the very least, he's going to go to a hospital for a very long time.

But in his mind, he thinks it'll work. Like if we lived in a backwards universe where it somehow worked like that. Yep. He was interviewed and testified, and he said, I hear voices. I see ghosts. I'm hungry. Now we have Matt Marano's girlfriend who wants to watch his corpse die and decompose. You actually work in a courthouse, Christina.

I did, in the psych department. Did you see anybody eat their own dookie on the stand? No, but I saw someone throw one at their lawyer. Throw shit at their lawyer? Did he hit the lawyer, number one? Yeah. He did, and how did the lawyer react when the dookie hit his face? The lawyer, like, he expected it. It's happened a few times.

Okay, so how bad is this lawyer? He's a monkey for a defendant. How bad is the lawyer? He was a free lawyer. Okay, he's a free lawyer, and he just constantly gets shit thrown at him? Yeah, he has many stories. Oh, my God. So what happened?

What did the judge do once the dookie was thrown? Oh, no, that was in the jail cell. The judge didn't see it. Oh, okay. Oh, that's amazing. It's tough to be a lawyer. They don't tell you that. Public defenders have to eat a lot of shit.

Yeah, that definitely needs to be The last question of the bar exam will be And dot dot dot How do you respond if someone throws shit at you? I continue to do my job And then you're a lawyer Marcus, is that the second shit eating video you've seen this week? I don't even know, man

I sent one to you earlier this week Oh, so you know for a fact you've seen at least two Thank you, Mike I don't know why I thought of you when I first saw this video. I know why. It's a crackhead shitting and then shoving it into a wino's face. Oh, yeah, I did watch that. I totally forgot.

And the wino eats it for no reason. Well, hold on. You watched a shit video where a wino ate somebody else's dung and you forgot? And you forgot about it? What is wrong with your brain? How does that just blend in? I don't know. It just does, man.

Is it JonBenet? Is that the problem? Are you okay? I'm fine. Everybody else remembers that, Marcus. If they were to watch that video. My brain, it flushes stuff real fast. Well, not the best case scenario. It flushes. it flushes stuff real fast Well, it's not the best case It flushes

It flushes It flushes the shit, man Yeah, I'm with you Very interesting Well, Christina, if you think of any more Dookie or fun related stories Feel free to let us know We'd love to hear it I don't know, she seems like she's got one on the tip of her tongue

What? No Have you seen Two Dudes, One Ice Pick? Yeah. Oh, what's that? What? Two Dudes, One Ice Pick? It's a guy killing another guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember, it was that... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Requiem for a Dream? Yeah. That or at least a rape with an ice pick. Yeah, Two Guys, One Ice Pick. It was that gay porn star out of Canada killed a guy with the ice pick, then he was on the run for a while. The worst one, though, is One Guy

One Jar. Oh, this is an anal prolapse video. You've shown it. It's not an anal prolapse video, no. It's a guy Oh no. It's a guy that is slowly bending down. He's slowly sitting on a jar. A glass jar. The jar's going up his ass, and then it breaks.

And he's like, and he doesn't, man, he doesn't say a word. And you can hear the crinkle of the glass in his asshole. He's like fucking picking it out. It's insane. Dude, your Google is auto-completed

off of one. All that's in there is one, and it's already got one bad one jar. Marcus, your Google, you're traumatizing that website. But also, I am done with anal prolapse things. I'm sorry. When did you start getting into them?

They're everywhere in porn, though. It's like you look up something, and all of a sudden it's like, oh, but then her anal. It's like an anal prolapse video. Yeah, it's disgusting. You can't surprise that on someone because I almost vomit at the sight of an anal prolapse. Yeah, it's not supposed to be sad. It's awful. It's the inside of a butthole.

Young, innocent Jackie just wanted to see some sweet gapers. For sure. And then all of a sudden they pull this shit on her and that is a crime. That is a shame. That Chuck Palahniuk book, remember, was it called Haunted? I don't know if you can play. The first story was about an anal prolapse thing.

And I couldn't read the rest of it because it was like, that makes me want to be dead. Like my ass, the inside of my asshole coming out of my asshole makes me not want to be alive anymore. Yeah, because what's it doing out there? And also, you got to shove it back in. That's all I can think about. Is that somebody's job on these pornos also, you gotta shove it back in. That's all I can think about. Is that somebody's job on these pornos? You gotta shove it back in. I mean, I think a

dick does it, but I don't stay around to watch it. Irene, do you love it? No. Okay. No. No. I don't know. I mean, some people are into it. I understand, but it's just... I don't understand it. It's the putting back in that I just can't even imagine. That's... No. I don't know. I mean, some people are into it. I understand, but it's just... I don't understand it.

It's the putting back in that I just can't even imagine. That's on par with jacking off. Do you remember when the TLC... Damn, Aubrey! The Learning Channel. Do you remember when the Learning Channel in the 90s just showed surgery videos? That and also the birthing stories? But you could see tits.

They would show breasts, but obviously they were like the yellow, and they would cut them open and stuff. Yeah, it wasn't sexy breasts. All right, land this story. Do it. You can do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm just saying that I would watch that sometimes, but not to masturbate. But it is equivalent to masturbating.

Before they cut it open. Yeah, so I was very confused because you were 14, 15 years old, so you saw titties on TV, but they were about to get cut open. There's a very small window where you could rationalize ejaculation. But remember, though, I think it was that same time period when it was like the birthing story, and then they had the wedding story. Afterwards, I watched it every day after school. So I'd watch someone give birth, and I'd watch somebody. I watched it every day after school. So I'd watch someone give birth

and I'd watch somebody fall in love every single day after school. Is this just because you were a woman the government made you do this? I think so. I think it was just a TLC channel. I fucking love it. And then they had Trading Spaces afterwards.

Oh, I love Trading Spaces. And I love Trading Spaces. I love Taj. I love everything about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the birthing stories, I don't understand why they would actually show that on television because no one would ever procreate ever again when you watch

women have birth every single day, which I did. I'm also not going to land this story either, Jake. It doesn't matter. I believe in you. There's still time. There's nothing left. It's disgusting, but the Learning Channel, that's all it was. Live birth and surgery, and it was just on TV.

Very bizarre time. I watched it a lot. I loved it. I loved all the tummy tuck like anything about tummy tucks because they had to suck on a lot of fat. They did and then they just have bags and bags of fat and you can make wax out of it and then you can also put a little wick in it and you have a candle.

You can fix your nose if you said so. You're my all the makeup man can't make. But if you can't look inside you, find out who will I do. Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty. Pretty. It's just like, yo. I needed you, Irene.

You just didn't deliver enough. But like, why did that need to happen though? Because it's in my head now. Because now it's in my head. It's so good. It's so good. Oh, man. It's funny how you think about during that time when you didn't have the internet and you were a kid.

The lengths you would go to see titties was crazy. I remember getting National Geographic subscriptions. And then I'd look at tribal chicks. I'd be sitting there like, yeah, they fucked up giving me a subscription right now. I got so many titties in this thing. I'm from the scrambled porn generation, so in theory, I've already seen messed up breasts, but it was somehow appropriate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trying to see through all the snow. I grew up scrambled porn. It's a little squiggly. It's still good. It's still good. If you watch long enough on the Scramble things, it would all of a sudden come together for eight seconds at a time, and you'd just see it perfectly, but it was red and blue.

This might be a good time to bring up This Week in Jackin'. Chris Laker does an amazing podcast. Yeah, everybody should listen to This Week in Jackin' on Cave Comedy Radio. I agree. It's the best podcast of all time. I've been on it. Henry's been on it as well. I've been on it.

I've been on it. Everyone's been on it. Henry's been on it as well. I've been on it. I've been on it. Everyone's been on it. I'll never forget the time I was jacking off to scrambled porn, but then this is a true story. It turned out to be the death of Timothy McVeigh. Because if you don't remember, it was on pay-per-view. What? They pay-per-viewed the death of Timothy McVeigh.

Really? And so it was always on this, whatever, Spice, the Spice network. It was. And so you just kind of go at it, and you just pretend like you're looking at tits, so you just jack off. And then it cleared up, and I just saw Timothy McVeigh there. I think he was getting injected. And I was like, so that's led to some strange stuff. Did you cum?

No, at that point, I stopped. At that point, I went to, I think I went to Loveline, and I probably came when Adam Carolla said some joke, and the whole thing was wrong. That was close. You were almost gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loveline was so confusing because they were talking about hot stuff,

and there was that one hot chick, so you could kind of jack off when she was talking, but then it was, you always came to the wrong side. Everyone masturbated to Loveline. I 1,000% masturbated to Loveline, right? Do you remember Loveline, Irene? No, and I'm trying to think of, what was that other show that was almost like soft porn on MTV?

Oh, The Uneducated! Undressed! Undressed. I love that show. It was all heavy petting. Undressed, oh my God. Yeah, that show should not have been on television for children. I masturbated to that show so many times.

Sounds like you still are. Do you remember that show? Do you remember that show? I don't remember that show? Undressed, it took place in a high school dormitory, I think, right? Yeah, it was a college show. Was it college? I mean, they said they were in college. Oh, okay. Oh my god, yeah.

We were all like 15. Yeah, just a bunch of naked-ass chicks. Oh, goodness. I shouldn't be doing this. Oh, my RA's gonna hear. That's awesome. Ooh, Christina Hendricks was in an episode. Was she really? Get the fuck out. I mean, it's definitely

soft core. It's definitely like, it's porn for women, a thousand percent. I was raised Catholic. I'm like, oh man, this is the tits. There she is, Christina Hendricks. I see that. I don't think you even saw tits, really. No, you couldn't. It was MTV. It was like hard making out and like people

it's like, oh, I've loved him for a really long time and like he doesn't even know I exist and then like he comes into your dorm room. It's like that kind of thing. Yeah, it was great. Which is exactly what, you know what? I'd fucking still jack off to it now. Unrequited love, let's call it. Undressed was a wonderful show that children got to see when they were our age exactly.

At the time that we saw it. All right, Marcus, what else is in the news? All right, let's find something here. Oh, we got another jail story. Let's do that. Yeah, the Department of Justice has been asked to investigate after prison guards allegedly forced inmates to engage in gladiator

style fights for sadistic pleasure and betting in scenes the authorities said evoked Game of Thrones. An inmate at the San Francisco County Jail who weighed 150 pounds was allegedly forced to fight a 350 pound inmate

under threat of being beaten up and shot with a taser by guards. So they said you either go and get beaten up or we're going to beat you up. Yeah. It's like you can just get beat up by the fat guy and maybe you'll have a chance, or we can just beat you up and tase you. Oh, I see. I would take the fat guy for sure. I mean, I think 150, it's funny because when I hear 150 pound guy versus a 350 pound guy,

I think the 150 pound guy is going to win, right? I mean, just to put it into perspective, I weigh 150 pounds. Okay. And, you know, I'm 350 pounds. So I would put my money on you. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so. But I'd have to imagine a 350 pound guy had a name like Lord Humongous.

And like he had spiky shoulder pads and a mask with metal teeth on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, what's the fucking point? So what are you in prison for? I just love it here. Here I am a god. Him and Robert Durst. That's great.

So now these prison guards are getting in trouble For running a fight club Four sheriff's deputies have been accused by three inmates Of orchestrating vicious fights for their own amusement While encouraging them with chants One of the people that's prosecuting them said I can only describe this as an outrageously sadistic scenario That sounds like it's out of Game of Thrones Christina, have you ever heard of anything like this

In your legal expertise? No, I've heard that the guards are shitty. They are. And they let inmates throw bleach on each other in hot water and stuff. And they are okay with that. Yeah, yeah. The guards are sadistic, disgusting people who are glorified traffic cops with larger egos. Yeah.

They're terrible. The little guy, he got out with broken ribs, but it says the weightier opponent was also injured. So he got in a couple of good licks. I'm sure he did. 350 isn't really a good size to be fighting. You're too fat to move. Go for the knees, man. That's what you do. That's always the philosophy.

The little guy beating up the big guy. Go for the knees. They go down fast. And that was the thing with UFC. When UFC first started Ultimate Fighting Championship, there was no weight classes. So there was the one karate fella who took on the sumo wrestler. The karate guy beat the shit out of the sumo wrestler. Fat people get tired. The inmates were told

they would be rewarded with hamburgers if they won the fight. From where? This is... Store-bought burgers or just shitty ones? This is like the tears. Like, you make it in the featherweight. That's like a microwave White Castle.

You make your way up to the championship of the prison. That's like In-N-Out. That's like the best. You have to wear the hamburger on your shoulder like a belt. So the fat guy got the hamburgers? Fat guy got the hamburgers. Oh, man. It's only making him stronger.

Well, who the hell broke the first rule of Fight Club? The ones who refused to participate were squirted with pepper spray, beaten, and transferred to dangerous housing quarters in addition to being deprived of food. It's so bad in real life. We have a major prison problem in this country. But, you know, make a joke about it, Matt. No, I mean mean it was just the

coolest thing in tango and cash when they did it yeah that movie ricochet it looked like so much fun and then oh right right yeah you hear about it happening in real life it's just it's just wrong well it's very running man very arnold schwarzenegger i think the documentary ricky oh the story of ricky best explained this kind of scenario in which prisoners and inmates just have to punch each other's hearts straight through their chest just to make it in this world. Well, an attorney for the deputies union, the San Francisco Deputies Sheriffs Association, called the allegations, quote unquote, exaggerated and said the fighting was, quote, little more than horseplay.

Horseplay? Horseplay. That's what they said about the raping of kids in the shower at whatever Penn State. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what I was talking about. Jerry Sandusky horseplay. That's what Ray Saunders was on top at. This is such a white term, horseplay.

Yeah, horseplay. Horses are rapists, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll agree on that. I think I heard that if you say the word horseplay, you have to move out of the hood. I mean, honestly, first of all, let me just get this out of the hood. I mean, honestly, first of all, let me just get this out of the way. They were competing for bologna sandwiches,

so get your facts right. It's a prison burger, though. It really is. Love a good bologna sandwich. I mean, if you're in prison, you have nothing to do, you might be kind of a dangerous person. It could be kind of fun to compete. I feel like it's more exciting.

We've all played Street Fighter. Yes. Yeah. It's better. Oh, here. Okay, I would hate to be in that prison fight club, but I would love to be one of the various goons being like, get him, get him, yeah.

Like, that's the fun guy. That's the fun place to be. Yeah, absolutely. Or like chanting like homunculus, homunculus. You mentioned something about a chant. In my expertise, there's only one chant that gets a fight going, and that's fight, fight, fight, fight. So is there any details on that? No, it doesn't say what.

I wish there was details on what the chant was, but unfortunately we don't know. I'm assuming it's not that creative. It's probably not that. I think it's probably fight, fight, fight. Don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone about this. These prisoners probably weren't that upset about it, though, in the first place.

I wouldn't be. I'm already fucking in prison. I'm like, oh shit, they're gonna make me fight. Oh, I'm a slave. I gotta fight all this shit. Oh shit, but they playing the Guile theme song? They wouldn't let us watch the Super Bowl, so this is all we got. Just give them Xboxes. Seriously, like all this prison shenanigans would just stop if you just let them

be entertained. Oh, yeah. I gotta fucking get home and fuck up E-Honda. I see myself, I'd be a good Vega type character. Real fast, give me a claw, give me a mask, I'll be great. Absolutely. If I was in prison in a fight club, I would be crying and shitting in a corner.

That's your special move. Ultimate technique. Finish me. Stanley Harris, the largest man in his group of inmates, was taunted by deputies who forced him to do push-ups to train for the fights. Oh.

See, that's the worst part about the story. Like, that's just sad. Don't make somebody. It's like, if he's gonna get the shit beatin' out of him, let's get the shit beat out of him, you know? But they wanted him to win. They had money on him. They trained him. It's like fantasy football, but if you actually had control over the athlete. It's like the most

fucked up version of the karate kid story you've ever heard in your entire life. I just wanted this big old fatty to get in shape. It could have been a great montage. You can do it, Porky. We believe in you. Also, we'll tase you if you don't do it. God, prison guards are terrible. It would be fun to watch

them get murdered. They have a hard time. No, they don't. Watch the last 30 minutes of Natural Born Killers. You'll have a lot of fun. Prison have a hard time. No, they don't. Watch the last 30 minutes of Natural Born Killers. You'll have a lot of fun. Prison guards love their job. They love it. They have one of the highest job approval ratings of any industry in the country. That's terrifying.

What about that guy? What's that? They get a lot of overtime pay and they get to run fight clubs and they get to control a bunch of people. What are they charged with? They were charged with, let me see here. No, they're not charged with anything right now. They're just investigating.

They're probably going to get a reality show out of it. It's just entertainment. They got to put some cameras in that damn place. I would watch the reality show. And then they would make a bunch of money. When they die in the prison fights, you put a camera in the casket and you can watch their fucking body rot. Bam, money.

That's right. You bet on that. We're going with the left eye, right, Chris? Yeah. Right eye is a stronger one. Is that right? Yeah, if they're right eyed. These are your hot tips.

All right. All right. Now it's time for a segment from Jake Young. Oh, God. Holdenators, hi. Did I do it right? Fuck. Yeah, I like it.

Don't be a fan of Holden. You're a beautiful human being. You deserve better in your life. In this segment, the Roundtable of Gentlemen are part of an elite heist group, and they got to take down Fort Knox. You have to describe your role in the robbery. There's lots of choices. You get wheel man, seductress, seductioner, explosives, karate dude.

Wait, you want us to describe our own role? How are you going to help this heist? Because Fort Knox is full of sweet, delicious, edible gold. No, Fort Knox is actually empty. There's no gold in Fort Knox. Well, that's what Ron Paul says. That's not what Ron Paul says. That's the fact.

Oh, fine. Then if we're going by Die Hard 3 rules, you're Fort Knox. And below wherever the gold is in New York. That's fine. What was that? It was in Tower 1. It was in Tower 1.

It was in Tower 1. And then they moved it. Oh, okay, good. Tower 1 doesn't exist. When did they move it? Did they possibly move it on September 10th? Yeah. There's no golden fort right around then.

I'd say 10, 15 in the morning. The point is you're the elite squad, Marcus is the ringleader, and you've got to tell them what you're going to do to contribute to the heist. I'm the car. You're the car? You can't. You're not even in turn. What kind of car? You're not even in turn, but you also can't turn. I'm the world's first the car. You're the car? You can't. You're not even interned. What kind of car?

Wait. You're not even interned, but you also can't. I'm the world's first human car. Oh, you're the car itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. So everyone hops on me in the night. Does anybody even here have a car?

I can borrow my girlfriend's 98 Camry, so that's me. That's an asset. Wheelman. All right. Chris Laker, how are you going to be the best wheel man? I got a car. That's pretty fair. And a license.

Jackie, how are you going to get this job done? Oh, man, I'm doing it with food, baby. I'm going to go in there. I'm going to seduce all of the guards and everything with my Italian ways. I'm going to come in there and be like, you boys look hungry. And talk them into the fact that they're hungry. And be like, I think you guys need to sit down. I brought all these things.

Are you going to sit down? Just have a sit down. I brought chicken parmesan. Everybody sit down. I made this food so you could eat it. And everyone's going to sit down and enjoy it. I'm going to have plates. I'm going to have parmesan.

I'm going to have sauce. I'm going to eat it, and everyone's going to sit down and enjoy it. I'm going to have plates. I'm going to have Parmesan. I'm going to have sauce. I'm going to do the whole thing. I'm going to start them off with some garlic bread. I'm going to have a whole dip. I'm going to have a tiramisu afterwards. I'm going to be the one that gets them all because I'm going to guilt them into sitting down and eating while you guys do whatever you got to do. It's just cheese, screaming, and guilt. I can guilt anyone into anything.

As an Italian man, I have a rock-hard dick. Rock-hard? Oh, my God. Jackie, the best sauce I've ever had. Oh. I got good sauce. The best sauce. So disgusting.

I got good sauce, though. Yeah, but we don't want to... She's got real good sauce. I gotta see about this sauce, man. Hmm? I gotta see about this sauce. You gotta have some of this sauce, man. Yeah, yeah. I'm all ready this sauce, man. Hmm? I gotta see about this sauce. You gotta have some of the sauce, man. Yeah, yeah.

I'm all ready. Am I the only one not? Could you start selling this sauce around comedy shows? Yeah. Is it better than Racine's sauce? I'm not trying to get up on Racine's business here, but we have had conversations, and I do want to say, we both know how to make a good sauce. Racine's sauce is fucking great.

Yeah, we haven't had my sauce. Mike Racine is a great stand-up. Are we still talking about pasta? Because it sounds a lot dirtier now. I know, that's what I thought immediately, too. Mike Racine is a great stand-up comedian. He's on Conan, right? Find him on Conan. He's a great friend. But you gotta start selling that sauce.

Get him back to the garbage truck. If I sell the sauce, I'm not going to be able to get these guards all riled up. Because then he could get that sauce at any fucking comedy show in New York City. What I'm saying is I got my own special sauce. And if they want it, they got to come around. You make a good point, though, Kevin. I failed to remember. Chuckle Hutz in there?

Yeah, sure. Memorando. I feel like you got skills. I'm just gonna eat the sauce. That's good. Alright Matt what role do you want? Me? Yeah in the heist.

I'll be there. I'll dress as a guard and I'll be the first one. Inside man. That's a role. I'll be like first one. You're going to be my hype man. Inside man, inside man. That's a rule. I'll be the first one. I'll be like, oh, fuck, come on, fellas. It's okay. I need you as much as you can.

You can't come on too strong, though. You have to be like a little uncertain at first. Maybe. Okay, I'll rip off a piece of garlic knot. I'll dip it in the sauce. I'll bite it. And then I'll go, oh. Is my mother alive again? That's great. I'll slowly get and then I'll go, oh! Is my mother alive again?

That's great. I'll slowly get sold over to it. That's very nice. Christina, yourself? Oh, my gosh. I don't know. Can I be like a puppy that distracts the guards? Absolutely.

Can I be a puppy? Yeah, we'll dress her up. Yeah. All right. Irene? I would be the lookout because I was also thinking getaway car. Oh, that's great. No, no, I'm done.

No, you can have getaway car because I actually figured out what I can do. You know when you have a heist, people are, you know, they're alerted by the fact they might be robbed when people carry in bags. I have so much loose skin, I'm the bag. Genius. So you can be the car. I used to be really fat, but

now I found the reason why I was fat. So I can steal a bunch of money. Is that man just filled with money? He's so lumpy. Oh, that's just Kissel. He's fine. He's fine. But I mean, what kind of car are you going to drive? Like, how are you going to do it?

Oh, some sick Mustang, like some black all leather. I mean, yeah, it would be jacked out. No, dude, I got to go with the Camry. You want to blend in. You got to blend into the scene, man. We can't go flashy here. We're going 98 Toyota Camry. You want to blend in. You got to blend into the scene, man. We can't go flashy here. We're going 98 Toyota Camry. Kevin, yourself?

Oh, myself, man. My role is dude who supplies the snakes. Again, Kevin, we do not need snakes for the job. Always bring snakes on the job.

I show up with fucking mad coral snakes and here's the thing. There's coral snakes and there's that other shit. There's the other snake that looks snakes on the job. I show up with fucking mad coral snakes and here's the thing. There's coral snakes and there's that other shit. There's the other snake that looks just like the coral snake.

One of them is poisonous. One of them is not. Right? That's the confusion. Red on black. I don't even fucking remember and that's what helps. I just let these snakes lose.

People are confused. Are they coming out of the vents? They're coming out of my fucking coat, man. Oh, because you can make it through the metal detector. Yeah, exactly, because they're snakes. So I let them loose.

People are confused. Some people are happy because, oh, shit, it's snakes. And then other people are fucking terrified because it's snakes. And that's how I supply the winning addition to this heist. Yeah, great. Fucking coral snakes. Who knew you needed end up, Mike? Here's what I do.

I make fake credentials. I walk up in that place, and I'm like, hey, guys, it's me, Dave Knox Jr., son of Dave Knox, owner of Fort Knox. And I say, I'm going to be taking over the family business pretty soon. So give me the tour. And, you know, I probably got to let you guys in the back door while I'm doing that. Of course. And someone's got some knockout gas. And we set the whole goddamn thing in motion.

Perfect, Mike. Oh, I like that. Dave Knox Jr. never lets you down. Can I change mine? I want to be the guy that shoots somebody too early. That's not helping with the heist, though. It speeds up the timeline. We said we were going to do this clean.

Also, I call dibs on borderline racist Chinese acrobat. You've got to find one. No, no, no. I'm going to be in Catherine Zeta-Jones' cat suit. I'm going to wriggle through lasers. Like in Zorro? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Or no, no, no. I'm going to be in like a Catherine Zeta-Jones cat suit. I'm going to wriggle through lasers. Like in Zorro? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, no.

Entrapment. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be on entrapment duty. All the lasers in Zorro. I forgot about that. She's so sexy in Zorro. All I think about is like, I think sex. I think everything is Zorro.

Everything about you is just tomato sauce, TLC, and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I feel like it's a bad thing. Thank you. The only thing about you is just tomato sauce, TLC, and Catherine Saita Jones. I feel like it's a bad thing. When Banderas takes a lightsaber and slices that woman's clothes without cutting her at all. Great part of the movie. You guys didn't remember Entrapment either. I loved Entrapment. Nobody remembers Entrapment. I'm more of a fan of the Thomas Crown Affair.

Ooh! I'm going to boo you, Marcus. I'm sorry. Rene Russo, come on, man. Oh. I'm sorry. Renee Russo. Come on, man. Oh, I love Renee. Yeah, she's naked in it. Her titties are going to sag in it.

Yeah, it's fantastic. She's not as hot as Catherine Zeta-Jones. Well, she's not, but she's naked in the Thomas Crown Affair. No, but they're like sad little sunny side up tits. It's totally fine. I'm not going to discriminate. I only like my tits scrambled. Or hard-boiled.

Yeah, like hard-boiled. You have cancer. Oh, okay. That's how I like my tits. Marcus, so Kevin won? I mean, who's the winner? How am I picking the winner? Who's the most valuable to the scheme?

Kevin's got snakes. I mean, I am the bag, which is actually pretty important. The bag is pretty important. There's no money without the bag. I know there's no money without the bag. I know there's no money without the... So as the puppy, I can bite the bad guys when they're trying to chase you. We're the bad guys.

We're the good guys when they're trying to chase you. One guard is like, he finally sees us while he's eating the sauce. He's like, hey, wait a minute. What are you guys doing here? And then you bite his ankle and he's like, oh, and then we shoot him in the fucking brain. It just looks like sauce, so we cover it all up.

It's Chris Laker who shoots him and then we're like, Chris. And he's like, I'm sorry, I got excited. And then it all plays out. He was reaching for something. Honestly, it just kind of all works out more because I don't know. I feel like we're a really good team. I will say, though, puppies bite. Snakes also bite.

The thing is, you cannot shoot a snake. The width, it's impossible. It's a statistic impossibility to shoot a snake. Unless you're a sharpshooter, then you could just blow his hand. But how many of those are left? You are right. I don't know. I think the whole team is integral.

We can't undo any of these. We can't do without any of these people. Can we do this? Let's do it. I think the whole team is integral. We can't undo any of these. We can't do without any of these people. Can we do this? Let's do it. I think we can do this. We've got our cook. We've got our impersonator. Dave Knox.

We've got our Chinese acrobat. Yes, Dave Knox. We've got our Chinese acrobat. We've got our snake wrangler. We've got our bag. We've got our inside man. We've got our puppy. We've got our driver.

We've got our inside man. We've got our puppy. We've got our driver. We've got our man who shoots early, but also our man who provides the 98 Toyota Camry. And it's not even in my name. It's in my girlfriend's dad's name. So he's going to jail. Oh, my God. Those of you listening at home and you hear about this on the news Don't tell them it was us I trust you as an audience

You can keep us safe Man I've never felt so ready To commit a crime in my entire life I actually understand the excitement of planning a crime It is really fun It really brings everybody together We all think about our strengths, our weaknesses I gotta got to

go to the pet store. I've got to get that body contour surgery delayed. All right, Jackie Zabrowski, thanks so much for being here, Chris Laker. Listen to This Week in Jacking, Chris Laker, Micah Fox, a great podcast here on Cave Comedy Radio. Thanks for being here, Chris. Thank you.

Mike Yolt, thank you, Mike. You do a show here monthly as well, right? I do a show here every month called Movie Night with Mike. It's the funnest show in New York City. It's one of the best shows I've ever done in the creek. Thank you, Jackie. I've had mostly everyone else and I'm going to bug everybody else that I haven't had on yet repeatedly on the

internet until you do it. Very good. Jake Young, you got Nerd of Mouth. Anything else happening? You can follow the stuff I do at dorkly.com. And hold on, let me just say, don't fuck your mom. Lizards are weird. Holden, there's no. I have a snake in my hand.

Unbelievable. Kevin Barnett, check out Friends of the People. That'll be debuting soon. Yeah, sometime in the summer, man. They gave a date. I forgot. How's filming going, though? You got to meet Jake the Snake and a whole bunch of pro wrestlers are all over your show this second season.

Yeah, a bunch of wrestlers, man. No, it's been dope. It's been way smoother and stuff. And we've had some pretty cool guests and shit. And it's like people are clamoring for Jackie Zabrowski to come back. And she's not coming back this season. And I know people are clamoring for it. But, you know, you got a little Henry

Zebrowski out there. So somewhere out there. Mamorano, thank you, Matt. Thank you, Christina, Matt's extremely beautiful girlfriend. Thank you, Irene. Irene Morales. Brooklyn Bellhop at Instagram.

All right. Find us all on Twitter. We'll talk to you soon Nobody knows the lyrics There are no cats in America And the streets are bathed with cheese There are no cats in America So set your mind at ease