The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 239: Radio Pig

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a pig causes a stir at a local Burger King, an Argentinian man dies while having sex with a scarecrow, and a New Hampshire teen is arrested for impersonating a police officer at an ice cream parlor.

Hey, Roundtable listeners, we're looking to get some sponsors for the show, so if you want to help us out, go to surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. That's surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. And you can help us out by just giving us some of your information, and we can take some potential sponsors. Now, on with the Roundtable. The Roundtable. Gentlemen. Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what?

Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the roundtable. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. He's a fucking person. Thank you, Jackie.

Are we doing the Who's Praying today? You are. Am I? Yeah, Jake. Oh, my God. That episode is very good. Very proud of you guys. Dear Prophet Muhammad, who is my God.

Wait, what's Muhammad? Don't leave. Don't. What's he look like? Describe him. You can't. I got the dot on my head. No, he's not.

Would you stop it? No. Wait, is that that one? No, he's not that one. He's the leader. I got a couple of IPAs for it. I don't know. Whatever.

Okay, dear Muhammad, thank you so much for Eddie coming back. Hey. Ed's back. I'm back, too. I was gone last week. Yeah, dear Muhammad, thank you so much for Eddie coming back. Hey. Ed's back. I'm back, too. I was gone last week. Yeah, but Ed was gone for six weeks. But you weren't brought back by our prophet Muhammad. That's right, he wasn't.

Thank God. That's right, everybody. I'm different now. Ah, yo soy Muhammad. That's right, Eddie. Eddie, you know this stuff a little. Hey, Muhammad. Oh, hi, poritos.

All right. I bet Muhammad. That's just a Mexican slur. I bet Muhammad's a cow, you know, Muhammad. Oh, I eat burritos. All right. I bet Muhammad. That's just a Mexican slur. I bet Muhammad's a cow, you know, Muhammad. Oh, that makes complete sense. That's really cute. He's a cow with human feet. Why are you guys doing this to me?

Muhammad. I need it. Okay, good. I want some hummus, motherfucker. It's good to put... We're going to get a fat one on our heads. Hummus is always better when you put a little yogurt in there. I'll tell you how I like my hummus made.

Ben's mom fucking sits on a bunch of beans, and I fucking eat that paste. Oh, yeah? No, I make my own hummus. It's very easy to make, guys, and I can teach you how to make it. Yeah, how do you make it, Jackie? I'm not going to get into it. I have an immersion blender, and it's perfect. Jackie, you're in Chipotle.

You're in line. What are we getting? Ooh, porky pork. Put more pork on it. It's Chipotle, Eddie. You're getting a burrito? Hey, the first step is burrito or a bowl, bitch. I'm dancing for corn. All right.

You can't order nothing at Chipotle. Can I get glass, please? I'd like to have glass. My name is Holden McNeil. Jackie, you're here. Yay. I'm here, man. Ed Larson.

Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink. He's a biggie. He's a biggie. I ate so much pork all summer long. Remember when Ed was gone and then everyone who sat in for him was like, I'm dumb and stupid. Remember that? That was good. Uh-oh, Ed.

I think I hear, is that Henry Zebrowski in the corner of the room? Oh, yeah. It is Henry. How you doing, Henry? Oh, no. Do something. I wish I was smart. I'm on you. Oh, my God. Henry, how's Toronto going? I love

Toronto. None of the girls fuck me though. Why don't they fuck you, Henry? Oh, I don't know. I think it's because I smell. Do you give them your candy or do you keep the candy? I keep the candy. But I understand, Henry. You have so much money

now. How can you not get laid? Oh, it's my big tongue. It doesn't fit in my mouth. Oh, come on now. I wish it fit in my mouth. Alright, Henry on now. I wish it fit in my mouth. All right, Henry. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you.

Henry, we're done with you now. Thank you. All right, all right. Yeah. Good Lord. Hello, Henry. We all love you. All right.

Holden, you're here. It's not Holden. It's Roderick. Oh, my God. Who the fuck is Roderick? I'm a professional pumpkin carver. You're such a dickhead. Okay.

What's your favorite face to carve in a pumpkin? My favorite season is the fall. I didn't ask you the season. What's your favorite face to carve in a pumpkin? My second favorite season is the winter. Those are seasons. I'm asking about pumpkins. Rape!

Yeah. I like celery season. Oh, season salt Salt Yeah put it on some shrimp Oh my goodness Holdenators Oh Let's end

Holdenators today I'm sad I need some support How are you sad On the FB page Nobody's listening To what I'm doing No one's to pay me

To do what I want to do All you do is bother people All I do is work I work nine to five For the rest of my life, Ben. When are we going to stop? You've been a dog walker for hours. I'm not a dog walker. I'm a dog nanny.

Oh my god. Is this getting real? Did we just turn into real? I want it to get real for a second, alright? Roderick's dead. Hold in. You get to be real for the next 15 seconds. Okay. Somebody pay me two coins.

Oh, why did you do that? I'm sorry. He's got 10 more seconds. He's gonna cry. This gives me $5 an hour. I'll figure out how to live on that. Two, one, and you're done. Alright. I can't wait for

Holden Talks for 30 minutes. It's going to be great. But in the meantime, here's a little sneak peek. It's Roderick again. There's a ghost in the garage. I thought he was dead. I thought he was dead. You can't kill Roderick.

You can't. No. I'll kill him right now. No, he'll keep coming back. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I want to kill him with my barrier. Ask the worms in my neck.

Yeah, what are the worms talking about? It's fine. It'll never die. They're the worms in Rajik's neck. You fucking worthless piece of flesh. Bears for naught. All right. Whoa.

Do we see something new in the news? No, I'm serious. Oh, no, we're not doing a news story today. You're going to become it. Why am I even here? Okay, Marcus, let not doing a news story today. You're going to become it. Why am I even here? Okay, Marcus, let's do a news story. A shepherd was found dead after having sex with a scarecrow that he had put a wig and lipstick on. Neighbors led police to the Argentinian man's body after they rang the local council about a foul smell coming from Jose Alberto's home.

So how did he die? Well, the police later found Alberto, 58, whose rotting remains were found next to the scarecrow. The scarecrow had a strap-on sex toy attached to it. So he fucked himself in the ass to death? Well, technically the scarecrow fucked him to death. We've all seen movies, and we all know that they're all real, and scarecrows come to life every now and again. It's obvious.

If he was smiling, he's guilty. Absolutely. So during, Prosecutor Rodolfo Morey said, during the first visual inspection, it appeared that there were two dead bodies. Then it was found that actually one of the bodies was a doll with special features. It was lying next to the deceased

and had a six-inch strap-on penis. So there were two strap-ons? No, just one strap-on on the scarecrow. He put the strap-on on the scarecrow, and then I guess you just back up into it? Yeah. Yeah, but the scarecrow's up so high. Beep, beep. Big hole coming through. Wide load.

You know it's not that wide. I'm not a whore. We'll start a fire on you, Miss Scarecrow. What does a scarecrow sound like, Holden? Nice. Oh, my God. It's seductive, so that's what you're saying. Nice.

Very good. I'm running for office. I feel like if you're really going to do this, you should record a woman's voice and have the voice play. Or a man's voice. Or a man's voice. Go out on a gloomy night and record that. He traded his recorder for the dildo. Yeah.

That actually is a very good point, Jackie. The scarecrow did have a wig and lipstick on, but it had a six-inch strap on dildo attached to it. You know what? I would say there's a lot of different complicated situations going on with this man's sexuality. So we can't necessarily. What's kind of fun about it is. Argentina. Completely illegal, right?

And it should be. Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I don't know. Well, I mean, I don't know the legality. It depends if it's your scarecrow. That's true, yeah. And whether or not you're dressed as a cowardly lion. Oh, yeah. Which can definitely

affect. How did he die, though? It is, they are working on the assumption that the man died during sex with the scarecrow. Yeah, he literally lived, he probably had a heart attack. He was having so much fun, his body told him he had to be done. It wasn't like a re-prolapse thing? I don't think so. This is murder. It's a scarecrow bite. He was having so much fun his body told him he had to be done. It wasn't like a prolapse thing? I don't think so. This is murder.

It's Scarecrow. He was a senator. Murdered by the strap-on wearing Scarecrow. No, no, no. He was made to look a fool. I'd love if Columbo was on. Jarecki needs to do his next documentary on this. What's his name? Ezekiel?

Jose Alberto. Oh, no, no, no. I meant the child of the corn. The one with name? Ezekiel? Jose Alberto. Oh, no, no, no. I meant the child of the corn, the one with the red hair. Yeah, Ezekiel. Oh, Malachi. Malachi. It was Malachi. Yeah, man, I bet it was Malachi.

But I get it. I get it. It was fucking scary, by the way. It still is scary. Oh, it's great. Children of the corn. And they could use a little bit more corn now

if we want to talk about our public schools. I don't know if I ever saw Children of the Corn. Can you give me a... Corn, you can't digest corn, so it really wouldn't help them. No, it's not bad.

You get a lot of protein out of it. Yeah. But you imagine a bunch of kids watching you while you die while fucking a scarecrow. A bunch of redheaded Amish children. Yeah. That's illegal. To have a redheaded Amish child around. I'll tell you what, though.

It would definitely scare the crows away. What happened? I mean, he was 58 years old. It was definitely a heart attack. I get the fetish, though. I can see it. Yeah, it's not that bad. The Scarecrow is mystical. You know, it's dark. It's like in the middle of a field. I mean, it was definitely

a full-on Scarecrow. Straw had been stuffed inside the old clothes that had been sewn together to make the Scarecrow. Like, he went full-on Scarerecrow. Straw had been stuffed inside the old clothes that had been sewn together to make the scarecrow. Like, he went full-on scarecrow. Was it a farm? It doesn't say the location. They just said his home was foul-smelling. So I'd imagine that it's in some sort of metropolitan area.

Maybe an airport. Maybe an airport. That would be fun. The airport bathroom, yeah. Yeah, it could be. The Admirals Club. I was recently talking to a Mexican who did not care for... You were what?

I was talking to a Mexican... Jackie, he was being polite to a human. I'm sorry, it's Easter. You know how I get. I know now. Did you kill your rabbit this morning? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. So you should be fine.

Yeah, I drank its blood. Everything's great. I'm going to be young for another 15 years. Are you young now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. You should be fine. Yeah, I drank its blood. Everything's great. I'm going to be young for another 15 years. Are you young now? Yeah. Okay. But anyway, the Mexicans apparently don't like Argentinians. Oh, yeah. They think they're dirty. Well, they are dirty.

I don't know that for a fact. They're very dirty. Argentinians? They're beautiful. Yeah, I know this Argentinian dude. His name is Diego. He's awesome. If Diego's awesome, I'm down. You'd love Diego. Do we all agree that Hitler ended up in Argentina? Absolutely.

Yeah, of course he did. I swear to God that he did. Marcus, what's your evidence? Because I was reading some stuff online. It makes all the sense in the world. I mean, there is evidence that there was a plane that got out of Berlin right before. There's not evidence.

There's a proof of flight. Yeah, there's a flight. There's a U-boat that docked in Argentina. There's also no body. We've never had Hitler's body. Where's the body, Eddie? The Russians supposedly had it, but we've never seen it. What if Hitler's body was inside of the scarecrow?

Like a Russian doll, but with a scarecrow and Hitler inside of it. Now that I'd fuck. Do you think Eva Braun was inside? I don't know. Yeah. No? No, you're kidding. Do you ever find Eva Braun?

No, no, she died. Yeah, Eva Braun definitely died. You think so? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it was weird. Bullet in her head, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The reason why they-

Hitler impersonated her and had a bullet in his head, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The reason why they... Hitler impersonated her had a bullet in his head. Is that what we're saying? Possibly, but it is said that the corpse had one testicle, which Hitler also only had one testicle. Yeah, but you could rip a testicle out of anybody.

Especially if you're Russian. I can't believe Hitler told people he only had one testicle. It was medical records. It came out later. Yeah. Oh, okay. I mean, if you have all these

medical mad scientists working for you, I think it would be pretty simple And easy to get another man's testicle ripped out of him He did kill 6 million Jews I think he could handle one testicle It's like edamame Yeah pop it out Ed's mommy

Ed's mommy She loses all the balls I wonder how many one nutted people Ed's mommy. Yeah. Ed's mommy. Yeah, she loses all the balls. Yeah, so it's the one. I wonder how many one-nutted people. Mike Tyson has one testicle. Really? Yes. Yeah, because they have a lot of rage issues because they don't have as much testosterone.

And then they make up for it in other ways. Is that why he has the high voice, too? Tupac had one testicle. Did he? What? Yeah. What, Marcus? Can we find out?

I'm already on it, dude. Are these wild allegations or is this all true? Ten famous men with only one testicle. Let's hear about them. This is great. Oh, yeah, that's right. Lance Armstrong. Of course.

He had cancer. And he was also using steroids. John Kruk. Tom Green also had cancer. Tina Fey. Napoleon. Two testicles on Tina Fey. But Napoleon makes sense. It's that Napoleon. Two testicles on Tina Fey. But Napoleon makes sense.

It's that Napoleon complex. And his horses were fat. It was the only way he was going to get up there. Well, his horses were fat because they kept on eating that ice cream that's named after him. Apparently the world's fastest roller coaster only has one testicle. It's called Neapolitan. What's it called? Neapolitan.

Yeah, that's what it's called. Hitler number seven. I don't agree. I say Hitler's number one. Yeah, it's a top ten list. If Hitler's on the list, he's got to be number one. You haven't even seen number one yet. Who is more famous than Hitler?

You never know. Eddie's Jewish. He can say this. Jesus Christ, number six. Arnold Schwarzenegger, number six. That's why he married Mary Prada. Two Austrians right in a row. Why are these ranked?

What is the means of the ranking? Out of funness. How much fun they got. So you're saying that Hitler is more fun. Lance Armstrong. Let's go through them real quick and discuss their lives. Tupac, yes. Tupac, murderer.

Michael Old. He drugged on him. Third baseman. Yeah. Boring. John Kruk. I love him. Yeah, John Kruk is a rock baseman.

But he lived in Philadelphia, so Lord knows what that means. No, that's true. Francisco Franco. What did he do? I don't know any of these people. No, Francisco Franco was the man who was assassinated. No, wait. That was Franz Ferdinand.

Is he an Italian? Francisco Franco. He was the dictator in Spain in the 60s. Fascist. How many balls did he have? One. Interesting. Injury. I am so jealous. He's number two. How is he above

Hitler? Who's making this list? Who's number one? Let's see. Number one. Dan Abrams. The newsman? Yeah. You know what you're right at. I'm on board. They gave it to Dan Abrams? What website are you

on? Averagepenissize.com What? That's why. Dan Abrams? I've never even heard of Dan Abrams. He's a newsman. He works at NBC and CNN. Can I just say, I'm jealous of any dude whose last name rhymes with fuck.

That's got to be the best situation ever. Like John Kruk? I'm John Kruk. Yeah, any of that. I'm John Kruk, let's butt of that. I'm John Kroc. Let's butt fuck or something like that. Yeah, you can always. What about Uncle Buck? Bruce Lee.

Uncle Buck, sure. Bruce Lee doesn't rhyme with fuck. I know, but Bruce Lee apparently always won. He didn't even make the list. Well, Bruce Lee, he had two testicles, but one of them was undescended, which kept him out of the army. And again, why would that keep you out of the army? That makes sense, though, because he's elusive. And his voice is super high.

You're telling me there's restrictions on the Chinese army? There's a bunch of restrictions in the Chinese community. Bruce Lee is American. No, he's not. He's Chinese. No, well, he was born in America. I'm saying you can't pull one out. I thought he was born in China.

No, he was born in Chinatown. Typical Eddie. Same thing. Typical ignorant Ed. I just know the movie Dragon. That's all I know. No, but Marcus, you can't pop a nut out.

If there's a nut up there, I'm not talking cum nut. I'm saying real nut. You can't get a nut back out there? I don't think you really need to. He obviously didn't need it. He procreated. Yeah, at no point does a man request his nuts to drop. It's a terrible thing.

I saw Eddie's nuts the other day. There's some fucking crazy evil people in this list of one nut. That's why it makes sense. Al's the dong is on the list now. High-voiced evil. Sorry, keep taking your job there, Marcus. Yeah. Sorry.

He's too excited to be funny. You've got to wait for the right time to pop it in there. Typical jackass ad. I know. What did you say about him before you called him ignorant? That was so funny. Biracial. How many Chinese emperors have there been, Ed?

He's gonna not get this answer right, and we will laugh at him for being dumb. I'm gonna say, if I'm gonna guess, how many Chinese emperors have there been? Say, Zeng Dong. I remember him. Zhao Delong. I'm going to go with 223. Whoa. Is he right, Marcus?

Whoa. Not even close. 557. Way wrong, Ed. I thought it was way less. It's 50%. I thought it was like 20. I was trying to figure out how old China was.

I was like, we got 40-something presidents. China's pretty fucking old. I was breaking it down like that I was trying to figure out how old China was I was like we got 40 something presidents China's pretty fucking old I was breaking it down like that That's a pretty good Well you get it totally wrong I'll tell you what Don't put a game show by the man He's got some good deduction skills

He can probably do pretty well on a game show And I'm surprised he didn't do better on the SATs Because that's all deduction skills Man do you guys see the hot girl on the Price is Right Fuck up Yeah she fucked it She gave the car away Manuela fucked girl on The Price is Right fuck up? Yeah, she fucked it. She gave the car away. Manuela fucked up on The Price is Right.

Drew Carey's The Price is Right, who no one gives a fuck about. Some people watch it. Some people watch it, of course. Yeah, I like it. But one of the hot girls fucked up the game, ended up giving the contestant a free car. Isn't that something? Yeah, it was really great.

She burst into tears. She did? She fired? Yeah, she fucked up. She must be fired. What was... No, she got to keep her job. Did she really? For her, she's so hot. Let's hold on here. That's how hot she is. She gave away her car. She's so hot. She got to keep her job. She's so hot. Like, looking at her, she can do no wrong. Okay, so

what happened? I haven't seen the prices right in a while. So, basically, it's like a woman was guessing how much the car was worth. She guessed the first answer, they pulled it off, and it said no. What game were they playing? I don't know. Guess the right fucking answer. And then it was like

a series of numbers, and then Manuela was like immediately pulled off the right answer because she's beautiful but a little dumb. And so she was like the contestant was allowed to guess one more time, but she took away

her chance by pulling it away and giving her the answer. So she won the car automatically. That's great. But Manuela immediately hides and bursts into tears. She did have one job to do. You have to look at how hot this woman is.

Please, Marcus. This woman is beautiful. Henry, what would you do if you got to speak to Manuela? Oh, he cares to take a sparkle dress. Oh, come on in. I gotta come on in. I can't talk to a good. She's got a king on. You can't talk very me on It's crazy that you got all these acting jobs

I know It's cause I suck for free You fuck for free? I suck for free How much does it cost for a fuck? I don't know A soda pump A soda pump? A soda pump?

Yeah, just a pump. No soda. You just want to get the soda pump. That's fun. Oh, my God. The jealousy. Henry's going to be mad at me. I'm jealous.

I know. I know. This woman is unimaginably beautiful. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's unreal. Oh, my God. Manuela can do no wrong. She gave away a car.

She got to keep her car. Not only did she give away a car, this is the tweet that she put out right afterwards. Marcus, that was the moment where you put up a picture of a fat guy trying to suck his own dick, by the way. That was the moment you should have done that. Because we all would have peered around and looked at it. Don't give him any ideas, man.

She said, the tweet, for those of you asking, the producers and at Drew from TV couldn't have been more supportive and understanding. I'm not in trouble. Smiley face. Phew. I love her. I feel like she would have talked more retarded. No, I think she's elegant and beautiful and wonderful, and I want her to marry me. Can she play the piano?

Everyone can play the piano, Holden. That's not true. I can't play. I can play it. I can play chopsticks. Yeah, not good. You just bang on the thing a bunch. The only song I can play on the piano is back that ass up.

How do you play with things? Marcus, so where are we? We have our news story with the one nuts. We know all of our one nuts. Dan Abrams is number one. Yeah, Dan Abrams is number one. Hitler's number seven. Jesus was six.

Yeah. How do they know Jesus only had one nut? No, Jesus wasn't. I made that up. Oh, you did? Jesus isn't a person. Are you making jokes? I don't even understand that.

How can you make up facts? It's a piece. If it's real, how did you make it up? He said it. No, I just, I pretended like I was reading it, and I said Jesus Christ. It wasn't Jesus Christ. It was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Man, he fucking fooled both of you guys.

Marcus. I can't believe you guys thought that was real. He's so manipulative now and different. Yeah, Marcus, why is Ed evil? It was obviously a fucking joke, you idiot. Why is Ed evil now? Why is Jackie psychic? What are you, Harley Quinn to fucking joke, you idiot. Why is Ed evil? Why is Jackie's sidekick? Harley Quinn to his Joker, you bitch.

Oh my God. That Joker. Who's Harley Quinn? That's just Joker's friend. He's a beautiful sidekick. I thought that was Mike. Mike? His guy. His number one guy. No, that's the one. That's the one movie. That one movie. You, his number one guy. No, that's the one. Your sidekick is Mike. That's the one movie. That one movie.

You're my number one guy. A guy. Ever dance to the devil in the pale moonlight? I don't know, but I love Jack Palance. Yeah. Oh, he's the best. Oh, yeah. Let's do another news story.

Another news story? I thought this was it. I thought it was a roundabout. Yeah. Eddie's changed There's more news right? Yeah there's great news Can we do a news story?

Yes we can What's in the news? Marcus Stars Jackie do you want to handle it? It's time for star talk I wish I could have a drink I can't get the beer up to my lips

My arms are so fat Your arms are so fat You can't get the beer up to my lips. My arms are so fat. Your arms are so fat. You had to put the beer up to your lips. Yeah, I'm scared. Have you heard of straws, Henry? No, I haven't. It's these little plastic cylinders, and you put them in the liquid. You can't put it in my pussy.

Some of them even fit. No, no, no. I don't want to put it in your pussy. Henry, you have a pussy? I bought a pussy. I don't want to put it in your pussy. Henry, you have a pussy? I bought a pussy. You bought one. Yeah, you put a straw in a sock out of it. You bought a vagina.

Yeah, because I like the taste of the pussy juice. Is there a person attached to it? No. No eyeballs, my fun. Henry is so successful, it's shocking to hear him say these things. He's so successful that he bought his own pussy. Yeah, because it's like, why buy a woman when you can buy a pussy? Oh, my God.

It's crazy. Well, I love it when he calls in. It was so much fun that he came by and then he left. How was he able to get in here so quickly from Toronto? It's one of those Hollywood things. It's fast, man. Magic. It's really fast.

All right, next news story. A New Hampshire teen who dreams of becoming a cop one day was jailed this week after he allegedly impersonated a police officer at a popular ice cream stand. I love it. Chance LaCase, 19, waltzed into the King Cone in Merrimack, clad in a New Hampshire state police jacket, along with a handgun holstered to his hip. Somebody called the real cops on the baby face, LaCase, and he was later arrested on a felony impersonation charge. Take a look at this fucking kid. He's a child.

He's 19 years old, but he was able to buy a 9mm Glock because he is 19 years old and legally allowed to do so. I thought he was 21 for a handgun. He was legally allowed to get it. The cop outfit is three times too big on him. He looks like a woman dressing like a man. Have you guys seen

BoJack Horseman? He had a car? No. I think he just in his Instagram, there's a picture of him in a police car. I think he just snuck in there. You know what? Nothing really makes me more upset than a really young cop. It's just like, whenever I see a kid in a cop's uniform, because you've seen him around sometimes. Sure.

You're like, you can't tell me what to do, Joe. Yeah. You're a boy. I agree. But no, BoJack Horseman is a great show, Jackie. Sure. You're like, you can't tell me what to do, John. Yeah. You're a boy. I agree. But no, BoJack Horseman is a great show, Jackie. Yes. No, it just reminds me of that kid that has three kids with a big trench coat on. Right, right, right.

That's what that kid fucking looks like. How do you trust any kids? Nothing makes me more upset than molestation and child pornography. You're boring now. You hung out with your parents for one fucking weekend, and now you're boring. Yeah, when did you stop? When you pin a boy down. What happens?

It's the thought of it. It's a nightmare. It used to excite you, though. It's a little heavy for our show. Like baby play. Baby play is rough, especially when you have sex with a baby, because their organs are too small for it. The counseling that would go into that. We usually just talk about sort of ridiculous news stories.

Oh, yeah. Girl drinking out of her pussy with a straw. Some of the listeners are sending in fun pictures. Wait, what's the picture? Okay, what's this picture? It's a lady drinking out of her pussy. Actually, I think there's a shot glass in her asshole. No, she's not drinking out of her pussy. Actually, I think there's a shot glass in her asshole. No, she's not drinking out of her pussy.

She's spitting into it. Hmm. Okay, well, yeah. Oh, but she's on a baby blanket, so it's fine. Yeah, she has a child. Is that what Henry was talking about? A full-grown woman? I had a pocket pussy in mind when I was thinking of putting a strong girl.

I cut the lips off. Oh, you cut the lips off. You cut the lips off the pussy of the girl. You cut the lips on top of a cup so that I don't want none of the uterus. It's just lips and a cup. What the world wants to know is how do you prepare for an audition, Henry? Yeah, sometimes I drink a root beer flow. What? You drink a root beer flow?

That's all you do to prepare for an audition? Yeah, mix your mouth. Feel like it's got cum in it. And you ain't got to put cum in it. How do you feel about bubble gum? Oh, bubblicious. Cotton candy. That's your favorite flavor?

Yeah, because I blow big bubbles into my pussy cup. Well, thanks so much. Oh, God, he's gone again. Yeah, he's gone. Thank God. Back to Toronto. Yes, he's busy working on Heroes, which will be released on NBC at some point in the future.

He travels by a giant air suction tube at the bank. Oh, that's funny. I love those. That's one big-ass tube, Ed. Why did you say that? Because Evan Rees-Big? Yeah. Big ass tube, bitch. Why did you say that? Because Henry's big? Yeah. Is there a reason it'd have to be a wide?

Why are we trashing him so hard? Henry, I love you, buddy. We miss you. That's why we're trashing him. You guys are quite a feud right now. What? You should say nice things to him. Why?

I don't know. Be nice every now and again. Do Concords still exist? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, absolutely. The plane or the bird? No, not the bird.

I'm saying, like, if I want to get to Toronto right now, I could get there in ten minutes. The Concorde? Yeah. No, I think we're thinking of Condors. Condor, that's right. Yeah, that's the big ugly bird. The Concorde's the car. No, the Concorde is... It's a car.

No, it's not a car. It's an airplane. It's a crazy plane. Look. Airplane. Big airplane. There's a Ford Concorde. There's a Chrysler Concorde is... It's a car. No, it's not a car. It's an airplane. It's a crazy plane. Look. It crashed recently. Airplane. Big airplane. There's a Ford Concorde. Can you speed this out? There's a Chrysler Concorde. Okay, so thank you.

It's a car. Yeah, it's a Chrysler, though. Man, we used to hear the Concordes, because we used to live... When we grew up, we lived close to LaGuardia, and Concordes would go out of there, and you would hear the, like... Like, as the Concorde would go out. So, how do I get to L.A. in 45 minutes? It's a Concorde, right?

Concorde. You can still do that? I think they just go to Europe. You know what? I think they took them out of commission a few years ago, like 10 years ago. Oh, really? Yeah, they took it out in 2003, 12 years ago. That's a shame.

They had that bad crash. Just be fucking disintegrated in the sky. Yeah, they're too fast. This is exciting. Aeronautics. Well, the super speed trains, right? I mean, that's kind of nuts, right? Yeah, the super speed trains are good. Full of trains.

I love when you can see footage of those hitting a sheep or something. That's always fucking bananas. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone can find that for me and just send it on the chat. You guys remember that asteroid

that almost hit Russia about 16 months ago? Yeah, it killed all the dinosaurs. Yeah, they live in Russia, don't they? That's what Siberia's for. Uh-oh. Retard Jim. You want to hear more about this kid in New Hampshire? Yeah, sure.

The cop kid? Yeah. We have to talk about how, yes. While patrons at the ice cream parlor told the New Hampshire union leader they thought Lacase's costume was an April Fool's prank, Lacase's Instagram page shows that he spent the last two years regularly decked out in patrolman's uniforms and detective outfits and sometimes posing with police cruisers and bulletproof vests. Lacase's preparation for one day being an officer went so far that he bought a Glock 19 handgun,

which is often displayed by a side, and a German Shepherd, a popular breed for canine cops. LaCase captioned in one photo, People ask me all the time why I carry a gun. It's simple. I'll do anything to protect what I love. Hashtag Glock. Hashtag 9mm. Hashtag 2nd Amendment. Oh, hashtag I'm still a fucking 19-year-old piece of garbage. Yeah. There needs to be an age restriction on guns, and I don't care if you're a 2nd Amendment nutjob.

Nope. The fact of the matter is, a 19-year-old boy who can't even technically legally drink alcohol should never be able to own a Glock. I do think that he used his police power for good, which is getting free ice cream. Honestly, I feel like I would rather have the age limit be anyone under the age of 21 can get a gun, and then you can't get a gun without many, many tests after you're able to drink. Oh, sure. Go to gunsforminors.com. At least he can't drink.

He can't fucking just go shoot up a Walmart. It's ridiculous. 19 with a gun. But I do think that, again, he used his power for good. He just got free ice cream. He got free ice cream. Cops eat for free everywhere. By the way, all these cops are

always arresting people for petty crimes and shit like that. Every time they walk into a restaurant and they get a free meal, they're taxing that restaurant and they know exactly why they're getting that free meal because those people are terrified they're going to issue a ticket or start harassing them. It's no free food for cops anymore

if they still want to continue doing de Blasio's jaywalking. That's why you fuck the system. Cops come into my establishment, they get some discount, but the sanitation department always eats for free. And the sanitation department is needed because but the sanitation department always eats for free. And the sanitation department is needed. Yes. Because in the sanitation department, if they took two weeks off, the whole fucking city would fall apart. When the cops did it, it was harmonious and we lived in heaven.

Those people are crooks. Sanitation? You know it. Come on. You fucker. Now, Jag, as we all know, there is no crying in baseball. So if we're going to sit around and say that somebody can get ice cream or whether they can or not, Are you saying I'm a fucking.

It's a Blasio's New York. Are you saying am I a Rockford Beach? You may be. Oh my God. You just give me Rockford Beach status? Potentially. Are you crying in baseball? Man, batter up.

Thank God. Can I be Roseanne O'Donnell? Here's that call. I don't know the lyrics. The time has come for one and all To play ball You want me to continue, Marcus? Yeah, let's go. We are the members of the All-American team

We come from cities near and far We've got Canadians, hey, Irish ones, and we We're all for one, we're one for all We're all American That's a fat one. We've got Canadians. Hey, Irish ones. We're all for one. We're one for all. We're all American. That's where we stop. I'll continue. Isn't that exciting?

Now, in Blasio's New York, if you're going to say that you can no jaywalk. This is New York? What do you mean? He's talking about jaywalking? Oh, he increased the ticket violations. You can't jaywalk in New York? Well, it's technically illegal. Everything's illegal. You break three felonies a day.

No, that's not true. It is true. I do not do felonies. Jaywalking's a felony. You don't understand. Resisting arrest is almost a felony. Everything's a felony. No, they don't go after you in New York. They go after you in fucking Los Angeles. Fuck Los Angeles. No one's ever yelled at me for

jaywalking Ever in either city It's because you're not a person of interest I'm busy I'm on the move It's always in two places at once Thank you Holden Marcus How am I doing You're doing great

You guys want to talk about pigs What kind of pigs How big are the pigs? Pot-bellied pigs. Yeah. It's a bellied on a pig. Pig news. Ed's back.

Oh, my God, Ed. I want to eat you, friend. Customers were surprised to see a pig outside of a Pittsburgh Burger King in Somerset County on Thursday morning. Pigsburg. County 911 dispatchers were called about the pig running loose outside the restaurant on Route 30 in Farrelton. Employee J.J. Nichols said he noticed the pig when he arrived for work Thursday morning. He said, I came around the corner around 5 a.m. behind us. I saw a black pig just sitting behind our door.

I wasn't sure what it was. I was kind of scared. I got up and I realized it was a pig. I was beating on the back door, yelling for a manager and he was like, I'm not opening the door. Is it racism? They had to say black pig?

I would just go pig. Because then you're going to think it's a pink one. Yeah, but it's a pig. Yeah, but aren't all pigs the same? I thought black pigs were boars. No, those are the ones with... No, they're just boring. Yeah, right?

They're always reading the dictionary. They're black a lot. The little ones? Yeah, but it's a pig. I mean, there's no... Pot-bellied pig. Black. Right.

Black pig. It's good reporting. Do they tip? Do they... It's not his question. Do they show up on time? Of course they do. They're not Mayor de Blasio. This pig was there at 5 a.m.

for the opening of the restaurant. Of course, he's on fucking time. He is on time, which means I mean... What kind of piece of shit sees a pig and calls fucking cops? Mayor de Blasio. Think about that for a second. Think about that for more than a second. It sinks in. Think about it for five seconds.

It doesn't make any sense. De Blasio's America? No, it doesn't, Ed. Yeah, man. You see something, you say something, though. What do you mean? It's a pig. Who cares? What's it gonna do? What's it gonna do? State police said the pig bit a female customer. It bit a customer already.

Refused treatment. Oh, man. Well, she don't go grab the pig. Yeah, the employee said, I watched it happen right there. It was crazy. The pig was really friendly. She was like, hey. And the pig just kind of walked up to her and bit her right on the foot.

Can't trust them. That's for fucking sure Do pigs have teeth? Yes They eat humans Of course pigs Pigs have very sharp teeth Yeah they chew through bone

Cause they eat rocks and shit Cause they eat mud When looking for poopy teeth Stop talking about de Blasio De Blasio Oh my god This America is a futuristic nightmare It's a dystopia

Hold in 15 seconds of just real talk. Okay. Can somebody pay me a fucking, even honestly. All right. My rent is $7.75 a month. Okay. I need, I want to say that a month just for making jokes or writing something fun or whatever. Kevin, where are we at?

For instance, people like Steph Jones. Now that was taken seriously. Okay, very good. Real talk. Kevin doesn't listen. He doesn't give a fuck. And also, Henry, I'm sorry. I've been mean or whatever.

You have not been very nice to him. What are you talking about? The second of all, you're making me freaked out, but I talk to him like every day. Real talk time's over. Okay. Exactly. Real talk time's over. I told him it was.

You want to hear more about the pig? Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. Worker said it's a rural area and farm animals sometimes get loose. He said, we definitely see animals, but I've never seen a pig. Well, by get loose, does he mean get out of their pen, or does he mean kind of have a couple drinks after work, you know,

make a couple of ill-conceived phone calls? Yeah. What does he mean by get loose? Nichols said, at one point, news of the pig spread, and customers drove to the restaurant. I can't see your spread. How boring is this town? This is about a pig.

They drove. They actively got in their car. Why can't we get people on the shows, Eddie? These people are going to see a pig. Yeah, they heard it on the police scanner and drove to the restaurant just to see the animal. The pig's snout prints could still be seen on the bottom of a glass door.

Oh, Nichols always got such a devilish sense of humor. What happened to the pig? He said, I tried to feed it bacon and my manager yelled at me. He didn't yell. He said, don't feed it. That's just wrong, man. Yeah, the pig was...

I mean, that's not fucked up. Pigs eat other pigs all the time. Pigs eat anything. Pigs know they're delicious. Why are they so smart then? Why do people say pigs are so smart if they eat themselves pigs have had a very bad rap in society for an extremely long time they just enjoy fecal things they're vicious animals they're vicious and uh they do end up tasting very good friendly pig i love pigs they should be domesticated like dogs honestly you don't have vicious and now you're saying they're great what what's uh what's going on here i mean there's no reason why they're vicious and now you're saying they're great What's going on here I mean there's no reason why they can't be both

You know what it is Marcus hair They got bad hair Yeah yeah yeah Very coarse My balls have pig hair and I'm sick of it You're very good I know what you're saying Come see me in four in the morning man man. We'll talk about that shit.

We'll fucking speak on that shit. Well, the pig was eventually corralled and has been reunited with its owners. Oh, okay. So he'll be killed on Tuesday. Yeah. Pretty much. I already also ended up getting a regular. And I moved to Toronto.

Yeah? Did you? I'm not black. I'm pink as the day is pink. Henry's back, everybody. So nice to see you, Henry. Don't you kill me. I won't eat my friends.

How was the tube ride? Oh, tube was too small for my hair. My hair gets caught. It gets caught in the airwaves. It gets caught in the airwaves? Yeah, I'm like a radio pig. Radio pig. Fucking Ablasio.

Radio pig, give me a guitar. I don't know. I love that I love that song I guess the Radio Pig Just gave Ed a guitar I don't even know What's going on

Well he's already gone So I mean He just left the guitar here What happens next With the Radio Pig I mean he gives you The guitar And then you learn

How to play The songs From him Radio Pig Yeah Radio Pig Playing guitar how to play the songs. Radio pig. Yeah. Radio pig. Playing guitar.

Gives you guitar. Man says snake is longer than his arms. God damn. Kissel leaves and it all goes to shit. It all goes to shit. He's got to bring it back. Yeah, it's been a fucking poop shoot. I feel because we got no one to yell at. Yeah, exactly.

Yay! Bear-stronaut! There he is. De Blasio's New York. De Blasio. Are you taller than De Blasio? I'm the exact same height as Bill De Blasio. Six foot seven.

Oh, okay. How does that make you feel? I mean... He's finally a tall mayor and you don't like him. Well, he's not doing a good job because he's a bad mayor. You should use that as a pickup line. You think it's because he's tall? No, I think it's because he's...

I think it's because he's tall because you can't trust tall people. He doesn't speak assertively enough and he's late to everything. Oh, okay. It's mostly because he's late to everything. Who cares? I like that about him. How do you like that? That's obviously...

It's great. He's got things to do. He's busy. He's got his plane crash and he's late to the memorial for it. He's the mayor you fucking wait for him and it builds up tension it's like when Batman

doesn't show up right when a crime happens you know it's like a little a little business has to go down it's like oh the kid died

if the mayor can't show up late then who the fuck can show up late no one the president nobody can show up late what are you talking about

I show up late to work every day you're terrible at your job I'm always ten minutes early Thank you Jackie You should be mayor Radio pig

Radio pig Give me a guitar Play me an oink Give me a doink Did radio pig happen While I was in the bathroom Yeah Oh yeah

You missed radio pig Oh my god Can we redo it Ed sing it Sing it radio pig Pig, again. Radio Pig, give me your guitar. Give me an oink. Give me a doink.

Oh, my God. That went on for the entire five minutes that you were gone. I made a million dollars. You made us a million dollars. Hozier called me earlier. Hoosier called, yeah. He was like, Ed, you need to take my ass to church. Wow.

Because you just sang the song that's going to break open Lady Gaga's career. Oh, my goodness. I didn't even know. And then he gave me a guitar on the show. And then I played the guitar and the big set on. Jackie, it's not going to work out for you, alright? I hate that song. Do you know what Radio Pig?

No, I love Radio Pig. I hate Take Me to Church. Oh, yeah. It's religious. It's about gay. The whole fuck Easter, am I right? That's a guy who was given two million dollars the moment he brought that song up. Like, yep, here you go. I'm with you, Jackie. Fuck Easter. I was talking to my friend Sina John about it. given $2 million the moment he brought that song up. Like, yep, there you go. Forever.

I'm with you, Jackie. Fuck Easter. I was talking to my friend, Sina John, about it, who does the brighter side with Ed Larson, who's amazing. If Jesus did come back for three fucking days as a zombie, they would have murdered him immediately. It would be terrifying. They hit him, I think.

Well, we decided this year we're going to be celebrating Easter on Tuesday. Hopefully that the drummer from Lynyrd Skynyrd that passed away last evening will come back on Tuesday. So we're going to be celebrating his resurrection. And Tuesday's gone. Yeah, man. Tuesday's gone with the ham that we're going to eat. We're fucking celebrating his death. All right.

He quit the band before the plane crash. He's the original drummer. I know, but he quit the band before the plane crash. He's the original drummer. I know, but he quit the band before the plane crash. Oh, yeah. Is what I'm saying. Yeah, but almost everyone survived that plane crash, though. Yeah, only three died and one became a quadriplegic or something. Ronnie.

You need to play him in a multi-feature. I know. I've been watching all these dumb fucking Lynyrd Skynyrd videos. What is a multi-feature. I know. I've been watching all these dumb fucking Lynyrd Skynyrd videos. What is a multi-feature? It's multiple features. Multiple features that Ed is going to play him in. How many Ronnie Van Zandt biopics

are we going to do? Four. We're going to do all different segments of his fucking life. There's one where he's just a baby. And his siblings. And then we're going to do Do all different segments of his fucking life. There's one where he's just a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his siblings, like his life. Right. And then we're going to do like from elementary school through college.

Right. Do all that in one film. But then there's going to be a whole separate film that's just him smoking a joint for the first time. How old was he when he died? 27. 26. Ed, you look a lot like when he performs, which I've been forced to watch so many Leonard Skinner fucking videos.

Freebird the movie rocks, man. Fucking Kelman, you fucking pieces of garbage. We haven't even started working on that cover. Oh, man. He's working on it. And so I've been watching a lot of Leonard Skinner. You will do so perfectly, Ed. He was kind of a jerk.

Yeah, but he's an alcoholic. You're kind of a jerk, Ed. He also liked himself a lot. I'm but he was an alcoholic. You're kind of a jerk, Ed. He also liked himself a lot. I'm saying you could play him. You could portray him. Yeah, I love him. I'm not saying you are him. I named a dog after him, but the dog sucked.

But the actor has to be skinnier than the actual musician. You can't be 10 pounds heavier. No, no, no. Have you seen him? He's a pudgy dude. Yeah, but you're fat. He is an alcoholic. He has the alcoholic stomach like all of us.

You would have to lose like 30. Nah. The actor has to be skinnier than the fat person he's portraying. No, but I'm like naturally beautiful, so it doesn't matter. Yeah, it'd be a lot of close-ups. Yeah, it'd be big close-ups. Yeah, yeah. He was 29 when he died, by the way.

29? That's exactly what I said. You did not. You said every age but that. 27, 26, and 32. It's 29. Okay, I can't really argue with that. Thank you.

There you go. We're doing medium death ages in this show. That's great. I cannot believe that Dan Abrams has one testicle. Is he a Republican? No, he's a reporter. He's a liberal. It's a guy who wrote the Da Vinci Code.

No, no. Who's that guy? That might be a Dan Abrams. I don't know. The Dan Abrams I'm thinking of is not that Dan Abrams. Different Dan Abrams. Dan Rather is over there, right? Dan Rather?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's really upset about everybody else's success. But he's done now, right? He's old. Yeah. And then he had a scandal because he doesn't tell the truth. Apparently, before a show in 1975, Ronnie Van Zandt got into an argument with guitarist

Gary Rossington, and Ronnie Van Zandt smashed him over the head with a beer bottle over the pronunciation of the word schnapps. They were irrational. He was like, it's schnieps. I don't know what they were. It has to be schnieps. I grew up with it being schnieps. Schnieps.

No, it's schnoops. It must be schnoops. Do you guys want some being Schneeps. Schneeps. No, it's Snoops. It must be Snoops. Do you guys want some schnapps? We have no idea what that is. Well, he busted the bottle over a roadie's head, and then he picked up the glass from that and then slashed at the guitarist's wrists. Oh, wow. And then he choked him.

And then they played the show. There you go. We've got to make this movie, Ed. Ed. Alright. Yeah. We'll call it Gimme Back My Bullets. Dorito. Yeah. Or that smell, one of the two. Oh my god. We know what that is. What are the weird girls?

What are their names? The whodats? The whodats? What are the girls that sing? They're all very white. Cassie Gaines. Cassie Gaines? So great. I can see it right now. It'll be called The Happy Racist. You know?

It'll be so good. Ed Larson is The Happy Racist. I love that movie that's already been made. I love hating ya blacks. Whoa! Let's isolate that. Let's isolate that. Let's isolate that

because we are going to use that for many campaigns in the future. Okay, let's move on. We have to move on. Ed Larson says... You're a happy racist. Yes. A happy racist is a great name

for the biopic that Ed will star in as Mr. Van Zandt. There you go. Give me back my bullets. So I can kill you. Yeah, never give a person back their bullets. Again with a bigger smile. Bigger smile.

I'm not hearing your smile. Give me back my bullets. You Chinese bastard. Yeah, there's the smile. Yeah, there's the smile I was looking for. Do they celebrate Easter? If they're Christian, then yes. It's a religious thing.

It's global. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but are Chinese Christian? There are some Chinese Christians, yes. Of course there are. I'm saying most of them. No. No, absolutely not. But there is a large Christian community, actually, in the Chinese world.

Nothing compared to the Koreans, though. They love Jesus. The Koreans took to Jesus like a duck to water I don't know what happened there there's a good minister went out there a good missionary good missionary what's this thing you keep popping up

the story you're about to read the soup dog story oh Snoop I smoked weed with Snoop that's the story that's the real story And he did I did it

That's true I had to brag about it Yeah you have to brag about it Every single day You have to talk about it At the Justin Bieber roast We smoked a blunt It was great

What is every single word That he said to you They rhymed It was crazy He rhymed when he spoke words It was wild And then he interviewed us And we were all nervous

I don't know I just kept smoking weed And getting really high. Oh, my God. Was it his weed? Oh, yeah. No, he kept rolling blunts. Was it like super strong?

Yes. Best weed you ever had, Eddie? Best weed ever? Yeah, what did it taste like? It was blunts. Nothing's like handing Snoop Dogg a blunt. Yeah. I can't believe you could do that.

It was unreal. I'm in love with Snoop Dogg. He's so kind. No, I knew it, but yeah. He invited like 10 of us. He didn't know any of us except for Jeff, and he invited all 10 of us in the trailer, and he all smoked off of his weed. It was great.

You ever watch his reality show? No. That's when I fell in love with Snoop Dogg. Snoop and Son, the 30 for 30? I don't listen to Snoop's music. Obviously, I'm the whitest girl in the entire world. However, his reality show was about him and his wife and how much he loved his wife and how much he loved his fucking girls and how good he was to all of them. And that's all the show was.

So they fucking canceled it after a season, of course, because there was no drama because he was just stoned all the time. But all he did was respect the women in his household very much, and they all loved him. They'll love him until the day that he dies. Maybe even after. One of the sweetest people I've ever met. Just so completely kind.

I love him. There you go. And that Jamaica documentary, too. Snoop Lion. I didn't see it. Oh, it's the best. It's the best. It's just him smoking weed with

all these fucking Jamaican dudes and they're just fucking talking about the loving life. And like the lion's the whole Russ Safari thing. Well, that's great you got to smoke weed with him, Eddie. That is a dream come true and I'm so happy for your success. I was losing my mind. I'm not jealous of anything that Henry

has or will ever do. But you smoking weed with Snoop Lion. Snoop Dogg now. He's back. Oh, he's back? He's back to Dogg, yeah. Yeah. He admitted that he didn't really know what he was talking about with the lion stuff.

Of course not. He's just fucking smoking weed and having a good time, man. And feeling it from the land and the people. Jaw. Jaw. You're not supposed to say jaw, apparently, if you don't. I have my Rossifari shirt. You can't say jaw.

I don't know. Why can't you say it? I got put in my place. You can't say jaw. I get offended when people say Loki, the god of mischief. Yeah, because of you and your fucking... Mischief. So what happened?

What's the story? I want to know. I know what my buddy's up to. A Texas state trooper has been reprimanded for posing for a photo with Snoop Dogg at South by Southwest because the rapper has several convictions for drug possession. Billy Spears was working security at the March event when Snoop Dogg asked to take a picture with him. The artist posted the image to Instagram with the comment, Me and my deputy dog.

Department of Public Safety and Transportation officials saw the posting and cited Spears for deficiencies that require counseling by a supervisor. Spears' attorney says his client didn't know about the rapper's criminal record. Spears can't appeal the citation because it isn't a formal disciplinary action. A department spokesman said the agency doesn't discuss or release specifics of personal issues unless they result in disciplinary action. What discrimination against Snoop Dogg? I hate this.

Well, it's funny because the cops finally got some good press and then they ruined it. Yeah, no, it's like, oh, everyone was having fun, having a good time. And it's like, no, we wanted to ruin that. Snoop Dogg's wife is so hot. Love Snoop Dogg's wife. Did hot. Love Snoop Dogg's wife. Did he talk about her at all? I don't know what he talked about. I'm sorry.

I can't remember the conversation. This is the problem with hanging out with Snoop Dogg or anything like this. It becomes like, I mean, it's just all a hallucination to a certain degree because you're never going to remember the fuck happened, you know? It's just all a hallucination to a certain degree because you're never going to remember the fuck happened. You know?

It's just a weed fog. Yep. DeBlasio. Jaywalking. Man, it's just us kittens in here. I know. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm jaywalking more now. Fuck this shit. I ain't going to no stoplights. Go ahead. Go ahead. Give me a ticket. I got places to be, police. Well, it'll stop you and it'll take you longer to get...

I jaywalked twice today already. Yeah, they won't stop him here. I'm a fucking outlaw. Okay. Yeah. I grab old ladies on the street and make them dance with me. No, you shouldn't do that. It's not that bad.

If you want to start dancing, it's a little bit better. I force you. If you keep grabbing, it's tough. Yeah, grab on them. Yeah. Watch you grab and dance and I can get behind me. I'd say let's do the grab and dance. I say it's time for a second for Moe McNamara.

No, I did want to say, though, you did mention Loki, and I want to say if you go back and you watch that Thor movie, Loki gave the greatest political speech of all time. It had people bow down. They honored him. It is truly the best speech that I've ever heard in my entire life. Loki, more like Noki. Well, that's a good food. That's Italian, yeah. That's, you know truly the best speech that I've ever heard in my entire life. Loki, more like Noki. Well, that's a good food.

That's Italian, yeah. That's, you know, G. How's that word sound with a G, am I right? You know. I can hear him play food. Ganaki. I'm Ben Ganaki. I'm running for car salesman. You know you don't have to run for that, right? But I'm just

going door to door, letting everybody know that I want to be car salesman. I'm Ben Ganaki. I'm Ben Ganaki. I'm running for city comptroller. I would appreciate your vote. You can just open up a car dealership whenever.

I'm running for it. Hey, it's Richard. Did anyone ever post any speed train pictures? No, no speed train pictures. Too fast, man. You can't catch it on the camera. Speed train's like a bullet, man.

What are we doing with this fucking segment? Going through the heart of America. What's going on with the segment? I like trains. Let's do a segment about trains and the pig is there. I'll do a train segment. Let's do a segment about trains. Train segment, motherfucker.

You got a train with five cars on it you dip bastards i'm ben ganaki i'm running for car sales does he jaywalk ben ganaki does he jaywalk i have never walked it's true he has no legs stubby nokie yes all right so you've got a train it's got five cars on it all right all right plot i mean all right you already have a train. It's got five cars on it. All right. All right. I mean, all right. You already have a train like Festival Express. I'm saying. So you have. Let's let's disregard that.

Of course, there's going to be a few cars on it that hold the passengers that hold whatever. Right. I'm talking about there's five cars that are optional open ended cars. You need to make a choice about those five cars. What do you mean optional open-ended cars? I will give you an example with my first telling of the segment. All right. I don't understand.

And all the listeners can be assholes and bastards when it comes to the knowledge, right? Mm-hmm. You being a fucking Mexican right now? I'm sick of them. I'm Ben Ganaki, And I'm running for sales clerk How do you feel about the Can we just get through this segment Can we get through this segment

We're out of beer We gotta get it done We found you in a hotel room Can I get some more sauce from my Yanaki Oh did somebody say Ben Ganaki I'm Ben Ganaki. Mr. Ganaki. Did you invent this food?

Can you respond to the allegations if you were in a hotel room with three Asians? I'm Ben Ganaki. I'm running for car salesman. So we're going to take it from five to three because I'm getting old. All right? Three train cars.

My first train car, my first train car is going to take it from five to three because I'm getting old. All right. Three train cars. My first train car. My first train car is going to be Big Bath. Big Bath? Giant bathtub. You go in. You go in. It's steamy in there. The entire train car is a tub.

Okay. We're all hanging out in there. We're all getting clean. There's a filtration system. Couple snakes. Couple snakes in there. And if you get lucky, There's a filtration system. Couple snakes. Couple snakes in there. And if you get lucky, you'll get the one with the gold necklace on it. You take that gold necklace to the front of the train, you'll get a prize.

Probably just going to be a bag of me, you know, a bag of my scrapings. See, that's the bathtub car. Bathtub car. People are naked. People are having fun. Maybe Naki's going to show up. Give us some campaign lectures. I'm Ben Ganaki.

I'm running for car salesman. Car number two, arcade. 3D Oculuses. We're all doing 3D virtual reality arcade situation, right? Cool. Yeah. The way you get to ride it, you got to put money in between women's breasts yeah breasts yeah so it's fun it's fun for everyone and then the third one third car

is gonna be let's say um it's gonna be shoes shoes perfect okay great so it's shoes and whatever else you said the shoes car but they're all going to be tiny shoes. You can get lost in there. Michael Che's dream. Jordan's and shit. Four-time roundtable of the year's dream. That is a great place to be. There you go.

That is a place only us could... We can't even dream about going there. It's going to be the coolest sneakers ever, and there's also going to be some cast members from SNL in there. Cool. So mine would just be, I don't know. What do we got? So we got three cars.

It was just traveling around. Three cars. Three train cars. I'm in the first one doing a tight 10, and then the second car has a- Wait, what was the first one? I'm doing a tight 10. A tight 10. Like constantly?

Over and over again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until it drives people insane and they shoot themselves in the head. You got to get a new 10 minutes no no I can't because I know it works it's a train going from New York to LA you're gonna do a tight 10 every 10 minutes no every 11 minutes because I need

one minute to wipe off yeah because I get sweaty because I'm so animated so you're gonna need a bunch of towels big towels just one towel and I want to use the same one and never wash it is it gonna have the janitor joke in there? Sure. It can have any joke

that you want. I've been doing different material but I can also do that one. And then the second car is just something... I don't know. What do you want, Marcus? Rapist car. No. I don't like the word. It's like a car that's all different kinds

of tomato juice. Okay, so a bunch of different tomato juices. I don't even like tomato juice. You get eight ounces of vodka when you walk in the door and you put the tomato juice in When you're going through skunk country, that car is going to come in handy. Thank you, Ed. That's very true. It's the skunk country car. It's got nothing but tomato juice.

You get some vodka. You can make a bloody merry with it or put it all over your body if you have been skunked. Can we have some animatronic bears playing banjo? I dealt with a skunk when I was in LA. It was a fucking nightmare. Really? What? Yeah, a skunk sprayed a dog in a mouth. What? And then I had to hold down the dog because it was

flipping out and foam was coming out of its mouth. It had a bunch of fucking skunk up in its mouth. And then we had to hold it and I got skunk all over all my clothes. I just found this great hoodie that I loved forever ago. I remember going, I was like, oh, I love this hoodie. I can't believe I found it. And then I fucking put it on. Skunk!

Immediately. I had to throw it in the goddamn trash. New t-shirt. Fucking it was horrible. I talked to Eddie on the phone that day. You were jamming a hose up a dog's mouth. It was the best thing of all time because it was like, how'd you get skunked? I also thought, I was like, is this like a new, like, young lingo?

Did someone take your girl? I didn't understand. Now, what happened was Eddie walked past a house that was being painted white, and a strip of the white paint went down the back of his head. Like Pepe Le Ed. He got skunked. And then that skunk started falling around trying to make out with him. Eddie's the only one who would be able to.

I hate the French. Marcus, what is the third car on Ben's train that's going to win this segment? I don't know. You can't tell him. You're the fucking judge. Ben. Just give me a judge. Just tell me.

Nails. We got de Blasio. Huh? Nails. Nails? Nails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want nails?

You can go in. That's going to win? There's a bunch of variety of nails, and there's special hammers, and you can just pick whatever kind of nail you like and just hammer it into the wall. This makes me wish that you were doing the segment more often. Why do I do the segment? I don't know. You should choose.

No, no, no. We can't have Ben Judd. Oh, are you fucking kidding me, Eddie? I will judge. I'm going to be so political. I kind of would like that. I don't mind. Are you kidding me? I wouldn't mind changing up the judge. Okay, Eddie? I will judge. I kind of would like that. Are you kidding me?

I wouldn't mind changing up the judge. Okay, I'm the new judge. Marcus, your idea is really good. And what's yours? No, you can't judge right now. Wait, I have to do segments now? You have to do segments. I'm the new judge.

I hate the segments. You're not going to take proper notes. Marcus takes notes on everybody. Oh, are you fucking kidding me, Eddie? You're so good at it. I have mentally noted everything. He's chatting with my turn yet. I'll get a computer. Oh, are you fucking kidding me? He's so good at it. I have mentally noted everything. I'll get a computer. It's my turn yet.

Jackie, it's your turn. You had your ideas. The nail car, the tomato juice car, and the Ben does a tight end car. That's Ben's idea. Jackie, you're next. It's called the apocalypto train. It's kind of like Snowpiercer.

You get on board wherever you can. We're all going to Siberia. So the first train car is going to be, there's always going to be a Gloria Estefan impersonator at the front of the first train car. You can probably get her. Yeah, no, I mean, a thousand percent. She's going to want to be on the train. You want the impersonator, though.

But there's only three cars, so there's only so much you can do. First train is a slaughter. This is a slaughter car. Yeah. So you come in, and it's like, if you can't handle the slaughter car, you got to get off the fucking train. So it's animals, it's humans, it's whatever we got to do. There's a lot of dehydrators. We're going to make a lot of fucking jerky.

It's like a kill room. Yeah, it's a kill room. But it's kind of fun. There's a lot of lights, and it's like, come on, baby, do that. Come on, God kill room. Yeah, it's a kill room. But it's kind of fun. There's a lot of lights and it's like, come on baby, do that come on, go any longer. And people always do that. Does she sing the rhythm's gonna get ya? Yeah, sure.

Whatever you want. Awesome. And so you move into the second car. The second car is an icebox. So the icebox is where all the meat fucking goes but it's also where all the beer goes. So it's like we're also having a party train. So it's meat, it's beer it's whatever you want to keep cold.

You want to kill somebody in the train and you don't like them? Put them in the fucking ice car. It's good to have blood on top of your beer can. It's great because it makes it purified. Yeah, it makes it pop. So if you put a corpse in there, you eventually will bring it out to the kill room so you can cut it up, put it back into the icebox.

All this sounds nice, but I want June and December. No, no, no, no, no. That's where your last fucking car comes in. All right. Because it's the fucking orgy car. Okay. Because how do you sustain a fucking society? You have a lot of fucking sex.

Yeah. So, your options are you kill, you get really cold, you have a lot of sex. Those are. So your options are you kill, you get really cold, you have a lot of sex. Those are your only options. We're sustaining society? I thought we were just riding on a train. I mean, you can ride on a train, but we're going to Siberia, baby,

and there ain't nothing fucking out there. Hell yeah. Big butts and one nuts. Apocalypto train, get on board the apocalypto train. Oh, you racist. Henry, do you have an idea? Oh, I don't know. Maybe you will put some mac and cheese on a tray.

Okay, the first car is a mac and cheese car. Mac and cheese tray. What's the second car? I like dry aged meat. Okay, the second car is dry aged meat. No fresh meat, only dry. Dry-aged meat in the second car. What are we doing in the first car? Why do you have to have dry and not fresh juicy meat?

Because I don't like it when it's juicy. I like it when the meat doesn't want it. And my last car's going to be a tuna fish train. Tuna fish train. Another food-related train. Because it's cheap. And maybe it's dolphin. Maybe it's tuna.

But you put mayonnaise in it. Maybe a little bit of pickles. And you can live for that. I mean, that's what I'm having. That's what I was planning on having dinner for tonight. Yeah. I think Henry might win the second one. Mac and cheese car.

Tuna fish and pickles? Yeah. That was your dinner for tonight? What? I think Henry is the segment to beat at this point. Mac and cheese car, dry aged meat car. I mean, I can't beat tuna fish and pickles, so we might as well go. On bread.

It's a sandwich. You get tuna fish. You put on bread and butter pickles. You put on Miracle Whip, and that's your dinner. Sometimes I put it on top of spaghetti. You're a retired corrections officer. What's wrong with you?

Why do you eat like that? I'm with you, Marcus. I'm also fat. It's a wonderful meal. I had corn dogs for lunch. I'm confused now. Is this a train at the end of the world? Ed, I'm astounded by your stupidity.

Oh, God, I love that you just said that about how dumb Ed is. Ed, we're talking about a train. A train's a choo-choo. Or do I have to show someone how to do their job? It can be run by me. It can be run by Coles. It can be run by me. Is this a naughty dog that I'm worried about?

Yes. It's an angry dog. What's your favorite dog, Ed? One of the three parts. What's your favorite dog? Favorite to Irish Setter. Irish Setter. Ed wins.

Ed wins. Irish Setter. Very good. Eddie wins. Ed wins. Irish Center. Very good. Eddie wins. Congratulations, Ed. I don't even like Irish Center that much. I'm hanging out with Baloo from Jungle Book.

All right. Well, thank you so much for being here, Henry. Thanks for being here, Jackie. It's the Fair Necessities. Follow everybody on Twitter. He's at Murder Fist. At Eddie Toons. Jack the Worm, Marcus Parks.

We'll talk to you soon. He's at the Bear Necessities. He's at the Bear Necessities. My last. Your worries and your strife. Give me some honey. I hope I get bees in my snout because I'm a big old bear. You jerk off.

Chat, you're welcome. Yeah, I'm sure they're thrilled.