The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 24: Chow Time!

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

And a new catchphrase is created! Mee-ow. Anyway, join us this week as we discuss such diverse topics as Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, foot fetishes, and the latest in marital bestiality on this, the 24th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen. Our Chuckle Hut this week includes the Too Cool for School’s Jason Saenz, the curmudgeonly Zach Sims, and the absolutely lovely Sharron Paul. It’s about time we had a classy lady in the room.

Yeah, we're ready to go. We're ready to go. Alright, good, good, good. Chow time. So what's going on? Have you never done this before? I feel like a prayer. Yeah, you're on prayer.

You're an idiot. Oh, I got a segment. Alright. I got a segment. Do I do this now? Just do it now. Man. Dear God.

It's chow time. Thank you. It's chow time. Thank you so much for bringing me my love. I just feel like a little baby wanting to suckle on a breast. And I just want to thank you for that. I want to send a shout out, God. Thank you so much for bringing me a big fat cowabunga to this podcast.

I want to say cowabunga to all my cowabungas and cowabungettes out there. Thank you so much, Lord, for bringing them into my life. All my fans, the people watching.

I just, thanks. I mean, it's fun to be loved by this many people. So, amen. Amen.

It's chow time. That was the most self-involved prayer. He was thankful for the want to suck a bosom. Not for like suckling on a bosom. He just loved being a heterophobic man. I haven't seen a tit for months and it's killing me. They're gross.

I wanted to look at more of them. I'm disgusting. Welcome to the round table, gentlemen. I've seen more dicks than anything else Good for you Alright Introduce yourselves Jack Zabrowski

Holder McNeely Kevin Barnett That's a little unnecessary I'm Ben Kissel We got Jason Sines Hello The old Zachary Sims Nice little nips on that fella I'm Ben Kitzel in the Chuckle Hub. We've got Jason Sines. Hello, Big Bong. Fun time, show time. Hello.

The old Zachary Sims. Nice little nips on that fellow. Hello, hello, everyone who is listening to this. And the beautiful man herself, Sharon Paul. Thanks. And then, of course, we have Marcus Parks, the newsman. Marcus, what do you got? Marcus Parks, the news.

We have a beer spill. Oh, yeah. Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is up for auction. Yeah! I got ten bucks right now. I'm starting it. Opening bid, $1,000. Really?

Okay, how do they have his coffin? Is he still in it? He was never in it. Well, that theory is one of the reasons why they exhumed him. In 1981, Lee Harvey Oswald's widow and brother ordered the coffin to be exhumed because they suspected that a Russian spy, a Russian look-alike, was in the coffin instead of Lee Harvey Oswald.

That is the worst mission you can possibly get put on, being the body double for Lee Harvey Oswald. That is the worst mission you can possibly get put on. Being the body double for a dead Oswald. Hopefully they hooked him up with an Atari or something down there. It was entertainment possible at the time. Did he find anything out though? It was actually, it's Oswald.

Of course it is. He got murdered on television. Everybody saw it. I'm looking at a picture right now of him getting murdered. So where's the body right now? The coffin's for sale. Oh, they buried him in a different coffin. They gave him a new coffin.

This is the original coffin. This is the original coffin. You know, you kill the president, and then you get two coffins. You're right. No one gets two coffins. That chapter character killed Lennon's brother, and he gets two coffins. That Chaplin character killed Lennon's probably going to get four coffins. I just want to be put down there in like a burrito wrap. That would be...

Shrouded. With cheese and everything. Sour cream, put it all in there. You want to be a burrito when you die. Yeah, I want to be a burrito. It would be a great, great funeral. I want to give back to the earth. Holden steak. It's probably going to be buried. It'll be a great, great funeral. I want to give back to the earth. Holden's snake is probably going to be really chewy.

That's for sure. You think someone's going to get buried in it? You think whoever buys it is going to bury themselves in it? They're probably going to bury a grandmother or a spouse or something. Yeah, yeah. A thousand bucks is pretty good for a coffin. Yeah, it's not bad at all. Well, that's just the starting bit. It's going to go for much more

than that. You think so? What has this coffin been doing all this time? The funeral home has just been keeping it in the back room, I guess. The funeral home that originally buried him and exhumed him, they've just been keeping this coffin around. And for some reason in 2010, they've decided it's time to sell it. I imagine it's been tough to sell, you know, being like this is where Oswald used to sleep. It's like trying to sell Sharon Tate's house

after those Manson murders. You don't want to live there. You just don't want to live in a place where the person who killed the president was. Well, they do, but it's a harder selling point. It probably drives the price down. Didn't Mickey Rourke used to live there? Oh, who knows with all those dogs.

Do you love dogs? Oh, he loves chihuahuas. They saved his life, he said. Brought a chihuahua to the Oscars. Loki. Loki. Yeah, and Loki died two weeks later. Oh, that's a stranglage.

Yeah, he was practicing. He ramjamed Loki. Got all wasted off of crystal meth and ecstasy. A little ramjamedmed Loki on the ground. Can we throw in money and try to bid on this thing? Oh, do you guys want to... Okay, so who in this room has more than $30 for their name? No.

I'm excited. Get your interest. What auction site is it on? Is it on eBay or Coffins RU or something? I don't know. I think that they're doing it through was it Christie's? Oh, that's a good auction company.

They're doing it through let me double check right here. I want to see this so bad. So it'll be like, oh, this is a beautiful diamond necklace worn by Marilyn Monroe. Coming up next, Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin. Where's everybody going? Yeah.

That's not a selling point. If you bought it, though, wouldn't you just lay in it for a really long time? I'd probably make it my bed. I'd definitely jerk off in it. You would just get so many bitches, man. Well, it's very badly damaged, so you would probably

have to build... What was he doing in there? You'd probably... Poor Russian spy trying to get out. He got so sick of playing Pong. All right, Gorby, this one's done. My job is done here. You know, I think this is a private auction.

Wow. Yeah, it doesn't say anything about which auction house it's going through. You can be involved in a private auction. Yeah. Invitation only. Maybe eBay. You've got to know somebody. Yeah, you've got to know somebody.

Marcus, get on the horn. You've got to know somebody involved with this. This is death business. I actually probably do. Right? Let me think. I'll get back to you guys next week. Hell yeah.

There would be a lot of death juices in that wood, right? Oh, yeah. It would have to be disgusting at this point Well, it's water damage That's the reason why It's so damaged A lot of groundwater seeping in I don't think this is a sellable good I really don't think that anybody should buy

I never want to be rich enough to even consider being able to buy this Someone already offered a grant I bet you Marilyn Manson buys it That'd be awesome Marilyn Manson, maybe Rob Zombie Somebody like that I hope Rob Zombie gets it. Michael Jackson's gonna buy that. Figure that out.

That would've been awesome if in 1981 they found Michael Jackson's body. That's where you got the motivation and shit to do it. It's like a bend of the undead. You know exactly what to write. So Kevin, let me ask you. What do you think about this NASA announcement? I mean, look, man.

Alright. What is the announcement? The NASA announcement is that they've discovered a new form of life that's arsenic-based. That was Holden. Come on. Oh, it's Chowtime. Chowtime! Oh, it was Holden.

Chowtime. Big bong, big bong. Chowtime. Chowtime. Love you lots. Chow time! Chow time! Chow time! Big bong, big bong, big bong. Chow time. Chow time. Love you lots. Chow time. Love you lots. That's not a catchphrase.

So, Kevin, I mean, I just feel like that, yeah, it's a big thing and everything that they found that shit, but that's what I don't get is they can't reason that that just should be happening. Not everything should be based on the same six things. They're going to talk about, oh, we can now look at aliens in a different way. I've been feeling like that's like you should assume that. It's like fucking StarCraft where all of a sudden

Zurg and the Protoss can form into one thing, and that's the Zelnaga again. You know what I'm saying? It's all over again. Do you understand? What are the six elements that create life right now other than fat, whiskey, and chicken wings? It's carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, and sulfur.

Where is boron in there? You've got to get that boron. In the boron lobby. In the boron lobby going up and down. You've got to take this to the White House. I'm just sick of the White House not dealing with the real issues. I don't think this matters at all. Well, I think it doesn't. That's all I'm saying, man. I think it doesn't prove that aliens can exist on other planets.

They don't have the six things that we need for our lives. That's what I mean, though. It's like, why wouldn't they think that was possible in the first place? Surprise! We don't know shit about the universe. We got it. They all know. They all know about it. We just don't know shit about the universe. We got it. No, they all know. They all know about it.

We just don't know about it. Scientists just figured out that there are like three times the amount of stars that they thought they originally thought there were. The point is, man, science has been fucking up for a while. That's what I've realized, man. Also, really, milk is not good for you. Eat shit, man. That's bullshit. That's such bullshit.

Man, if the stars were chocolate, though, anything that comes out of a tin is good for you. That's bullshit. That's such bullshit. Man, if the stars were chocolate, though, anything that comes out of a tin is good for you. That's what I say. Cowabunga. It's showtime. Science. What do you have? Sims, do you have anything to weigh in on this NASA stuff?

You're a smart fella with a nice-sized head. What's going on? Come on up. It's all alright, bro. Oh my god, a second beer spill. That first one was not a spill. It was full. Oh, but it was closed. It was closed.

It doesn't do anything for me. The MTA is still raising the fares next week. Yeah, buddy. I still gotta get to work. Traffic sucks. I still can't get laid. Ain't gonna change nothing about that, you right? I can't fuck this bacteria.

Sims, what do you think? What would have to happen for you to fuck the bacteria? I think, well, it'd probably have to have some boron base to it. Oh, yeah. Always like the big bees. That's my catchphrase.

Boron base. Alright, alright. Cowabunga. That is enough science talk for these bunch of retards. You know, we were talking about Sharon Tate earlier. Got some big breasts on her.

Not anymore. Cut him off. Which, by the way, the greatest thing ever to say when you're getting stabbed, look at the dude stabbing you in the face and be like, I'm already dead. I'm already dead. That haunts those women. I saw them being interviewed. She already said that?

She said that when the woman was stabbing her, just going nuts, she was just looking at her and being like, I'm already dead. I'm already dead. And that's why Rob Zombie samples it into the song. Yes, Rob Zombie sampled it. And the woman, they just can't get that image out of their head. And they're all out of prison now. But of course...

They're not all out of prison. Oh, well, three of them are. Three of the gals are. Not all of them. Oh, okay. Well, the woman who stabbed Sharon Tate's out of prison. Oh. Because she was being interviewed and she was wearing a nice little sweater vest.

Like a beret, yeah. Well, the Charlie Manson news that we got, he was caught with a cell phone. Charlie Manson somehow got his hands on the cell phone. Who the fuck is he talking to? Ed Larson. Who do you think Charlie Manson was talking to? I'm just trying to call the Beach Boys again, see if he can get back in.

I'd say mad bitches, because that's what he knew how to talk to, man. That's one of the reasons why they're kind of disturbed that he had the cell phone, because that's what he does. Was he in prison with a cell phone? Oh, yeah. Just him in his apartment.

That would be far more disturbing if they found him in an apartment. Like a job. I mean, does it really matter that he has a cell phone? There can't be any cell phone reception in the prison cell. Well, that's the thing. I'm sure they have their phones. He's located so deep in the prison

with four brick walls around him. He's so isolated. There's no way a phone can work. If the phone doesn't work on the L train, there's no way a phone works in Solitaire. Unless he has Verizon. He might have been using Brick Breaker to figure a way to escape. There you go.

You know what? Cell phones... I thought it was a good time. All right, show time then. Show time. More on me. Cell phones in prison are a big problem right now. How are they getting the phones?

The prison guards are smuggling them in. Up their asses. One corrections officer made $150,000 in a single year by supplying inmates with phones. He was fired, not charged with a crime. You got to keep that money?

Yeah, that's not on the charge. Imagining cell phones is not against the law. There's no law. I think it's considered contraband. It's got to be considered contraband. Absolutely. Did they have no idea what he was using the cell phone for?

He was starting a new clan calling people outside of prison. How does he even know their numbers? He probably made up numbers and hoped for the best. Hey, this is Charlie Manson. Have you ever listened to Charlie Manson's music? It's fabulous. It's like

this eerie folk music that man, it's just like, of course they fell in love with him. Of course. It's fabulous. It's like eerie folk music that man, it's just like, of course they fell in love with him. Of course. He's a worm tongue. He's a worm tongue. He's probably calling Jackie. I hope he doesn't get that number. Don't you worry about him. He made calls and sent

texts to people in California, New Jersey, Florida, and British Columbia. Did anybody get, New Jersey, Florida, and British Columbia. Did anybody get back to him? Of course, British Columbia. It always comes back to Florida somehow. Everything always seems to get back to Florida. Because Florida is the fucking end of the earth. It's not the Chad situation.

There's just so much hate there, man. I was brooded. Pure hate. They were all just pictures of his cock, though. He was mostly just sexted around. Give the man that, anyway. I think Charles Manson should be allowed to have a cell phone. I think he should have a radio show.

The Manson cast. The Manson cast. It sounds great. He's so out of his mind. You know, one of his bunkmates is Sirin Sirin, the guy who killed Robert Kennedy. Oh, wow. Really? I bet they want to talk about it.in, the guy who killed Robert Kennedy. Oh, wow. They hang out all the time.

There's another murderer. There's three people. There's a serial killer. I can't remember who the other guy is. It's the Hall of Fame down there. They should have a reality show. That would be amazing. I think you need to write a letter. Get that out there.

Billy Jones and Al Gore being roommates. Yeah, right. Exact same thing. Masterminds. Talking about Florida. News about Florida! Florida news! Florida news!

Speaking of mistakes, such as Florida's, what was the word they misspelled? Florida? The retards for Sharon Tate. Sharon Tate, during that murder, the girls like wrote, they called her like

pig vomit or something. Die piggy die. And then they wrote something and they spelled it wrong and it was very, very amazing. Helter Skelter? It was Helter Skelter

and they spelled Helter Skelter wrong. Right. Well, that's an easy word to misspell. I guess so. But now it's spelled this way. What's that?

Now it's spelled the Manson way. Is that right? They changed words. They made language different with their murders. You've got to let that guy out of prison. Good-ass murders, too. There were some good ones. Some of the best.

Chop shop. I can't think of a better celebrity murder ever. Who died a more beautiful... Phil Hartman? Oh, Phil Hartman. That was just a shotgun to the face. Yeah. Did he lose his face

in that? Face off? You just have no face. Talking about the John Travolta, Nick Cage movie? Yeah. Did he get a different face? They switched faces? In the movie, yes. Is this a John Moose situation? Did you see John Travolta's got a new kid?

He's got another kid? He shouldn't be allowed to breed anymore. No. He should be allowed to just have sex with dudes, because that's what he likes to do. That's his thing. That's his thing. Wasn't there a guy who came out recently about Travolta?

All over the place. There's a book. There't there a guy who came out recently about Travolta? All over the place. There's a book. A whole book about all of the guys in Hollywood that are in the closet. Like a go-go man. He worked at a bathhouse. Yeah, that's right, a bathhouse. What were some of the other names he dropped?

Let's see here. Will Smith. I've heard about that. That's apparently just like a fact among Hollywoods. I did heard about that. That's apparently just like a fact among Hollywoods that Will Smith is gay. That's a good one. Ain't that weird?

Kevin Spacey's gay. Oh yeah, Kevin Spacey's definitely gay. I heard LeVar Burton was gay. Oh, that's a surprise. Everybody's gay. Everybody's gay. It, that's a surprise. Everybody's gay. Everybody's gay. Man, it's like, it's just like the clap, you know? It's just like getting spread around.

It's a disease? Is that what you're calling it? Are you calling it a disease? Is that what you just did on the radio? James Patrick Harris, Doogie Howser is gay. Neil! Neil! Gay is gay.

I didn't hear about that. Yeah, gay is gay gay. They're all beautiful. No one should kill those people. Shout out! Okay. So you were saying about Florida.

Talk about that roast. I want to hear a couple of good roast jokes about Travolta I heard. I went to the Quentin Tarantino roast. Oh, cool. Speaking of stars. Yeah, everyone just fucked with Travolta the whole time. Man, I don't know what else to say.

I don't remember every joke. I was listening to Howard Stern, and Whitney Cummings said her favorite joke was, what was the name, Rob Schneider said, Oh, sorry, John Travolta couldn't be here. There's a faggots and weird aliens convention in L.A. Just a base fucking thing to say. But I love it. Man, Schneider had the best set.

He did better than everyone else, man. He was so good. Who was on All in the States? For those that don't know, the Friars put on a secret. Like, it wasn't televised, right? No, no, no, but there was like 2,500 people there. Yeah, it was for Quentin Tarantino, and Eddie got to go with his cousin.

Yeah, the, whatchamacallit, Samuel Jackson was the roastmaster. And, you know, like, Michael Madsen was on the dais. And, like, Harvey Keitel was on the dais. Oh, was Madsen, was he insane? Oh, such a lunatic. He's so crazy, man.

It was amazing. He was just like, ahhh. Just, like, sat there in silence making noises with his mouth. That's right. That was his roast time? like, ah. Just like sat there in silence making noises with his mouth. That's okay. Yeah, yeah. He's like, ah. Hey, Danny Aiello's here.

Hey, hi, Danny. That was like literally one of his jokes. And like the whole place fell to pieces laughing. It was a little bit They loved it Oh yeah Jerry Lewis did a set I got to see

Jerry fucking Lewis Do a set Wow Yeah yeah yeah I read the thing Of the gate crashers In the daily news They said Jerry Lewis

Didn't know why he was there He kept on going on And on about himself Is that true Oh yeah Well he's Jerry Lewis He's the abbot Of the Friars Club

It's a ham Who Like who's complaining About Jerry Lewis talking about himself? Of course that's what he does. That's his whole thing. Pat Cooper was amazing. The little bastard. He closed out the rest.

He was so funny. What was the media major of this event? Like 65, 70? It ranged from Jerry Lewis to 85, and I'd say Whitney Cummings is what? 31, 32? Yeah, probably something like that. She was amazing. Yeah. She killed it. She killed it. Oh, man, you can tell her and Sarah Silverman don't

like each other. They're, like, real catty about it. It's pretty fun. Did they roast each other? Oh, yeah, no, they definitely went after each other. It was great. They had to. How do you not address that? Yeah, you had to address the only woman on the dais if you're the chick, too. Well, Kathy Griffin was on it. Oh, okay. Well, once again, still the only two women on the dais. Uma Thurman was on it.

How dare you? Kathy Griffin? She's a modern-day leather face. She used to date Tarantino. They dated twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's probably gonna buy Oswald's coffins. Kathy Griffin would look great sleeping in Oswald's coffin every night.

She would. I could totally see that pale bitch doing that. Oh, man, you know who I met at the roast? Joe Frazier. Really? Smoking Joe Frazier. Smoking Joe Frazier. I shook his head.

I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh, champ! I recognized him immediately. You shook those hands? Yeah, this guy knocked out Muhammad Ali, and I shook his head. Did he actually speak to you? Was it like, Did he say anything? Yeah, right?

He just kept walking. Oh, they were huge, man. It was amazing. He's actually a small guy. Did you want to take a swing at him? No, of course. I saw Michael Moore at a bar once. I'm like, gosh, we've got to fight this guy.

As soon as you see Michael Moore, you're like, I've got to get in a fight tonight with Michael Moore. Son of a bitch. Not see Michael Moore, you're like, I gotta get in a fight tonight with Michael Moore. Son of a bitch. Not that Michael Moore. The boxer who knocked out... Oh, okay, ball of Michael Moore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you hated documentaries.

You know what? I was totally on board either way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that Philly... The stick-o was one-sided. Boom! If I was Joe Frazier I'd be real pissed That Philly has a fucking statue Of a fake Rocky Balboa

And not one of an actual Fucking boxing champion Yeah He's gotta go do it That's awesome man So any other celebs? I mean I didn't You know get to meet

Too many people I had to get back to work I got like ten texts From my job During the roast I'm like please Just leave me alone For two more hours.

They were just trying to remind you that you still ain't shit. That's a fact. That's the ultimate roast on Eddie. He's in the audience and he's getting called back to work. That's awesome, man. I'm so jealous you got to fucking see that incredible thing. That's pretty great. That's pretty sweet.

Oh, man. How'd Tarantino look? Good. Oh, man. I'm so jealous you got to fucking see that incredible thing. That's pretty great. That's pretty sweet. Oh, man. How did Tarantino look? Good? Oh, horrible. Look. What? He's got a fucking huge Frankenstein head. Oh, yeah.

His head's so big, man. I couldn't even look at it half the time. And he's, you know, he's so self-indulgent. Him and Uma Thurman drank out of her shoes. That was pretty great. Really? He's got a huge foot fetish. He's got a foot fetish, yeah.

Every movie he has... Tarantino's a foot man? Yeah, he's got a huge foot fetish. He's got a foot fetish, yeah. Every movie has... Tarantino's a foot man? Yeah, every movie has a close-up on... Oh, yeah. I don't understand it. You got Pulp Fiction. You got the whole Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta foot massage thing.

You got the... Kill Bill when she's trying to open up the door. The Glorious Bastards, the shoe fitting. Yeah. The shoe fitting. Right. Grindhouse. We made shows. Right. Grindhouse. When they show the feet in Grindhouse.

Yeah. Apparently he's got a pussy boil fetish as well. His feet is going to be something else. There's going to be a lot of foot shots in that one. Does anybody in this room have a foot fetish? No. I kind of do. You do?

What is it, Tom? Will you lick a toe? I will. Have you? I'll lick a toe. I'll lick You do? What is it, son? Will you lick a toe? I will. I'll lick a toe. I'll lick a toe. You suck toes? No, it's not part of my repertoire. Which, by the way, is my favorite censorship moment ever in a movie. I suck toes for

coke. You remember that? I get an app for it. Suck toes for coke. That's stupid. No one does that. Just like hands, you know, they gotta be in decent shape. You can't have all gnarled up toes and shit.

So do you get an erection over if you just saw a pair of beautiful feet, your quintessential feet. Imagine they have 10 pounds of nipple on them. Just great looking toes. Turkey toes, real succulent. Would you get hard just for that? No, probably not. So you need an ankle too.

Yeah, I need an ankle. I need maybe like an inner thigh. I feel like I have a similar thing. It's more like it's just a turn off if the feet are gross. Yeah, it's a checklist. Yeah, it's like one of those. And then I do enjoy banging a chick in heels. That's probably my only real fetish. I feel like that's more of a leg fetish,

though. It kind of is. Yeah, exactly. I'm kind of a leg man and everything. Man, it's the best. It's my favorite thing in the world. You look like a calf. That and eating poop. Everything else that I eat are shit. Shut up! Eating poop.

I love that foot fetish I feel like If you're a guy That's actually A pretty healthy fetish To have There's many Many worse ones

Rape is one That's bad Rape's a bad fetish Corpse fucking That's bad That's bad It's just inconvenient Dog fucking

Yeah So have you ever Come on a woman's foot No No I'm sure I have at some point. On purpose. When you're just walking by them.

And you guys come and you're like, Oh, I sneezed on a woman on the subway recently and she had a little booger on her back. I had to wipe it off. It's similar to you just coming and being like, I got a little cum on my feet. Are you serious? Did she notice?

No, thank God she did not. I was just like, oh my God. Mortifying. No, I just swiped it. I didn't even touch it. Someone had to have seen that. Oh, I'm huge. I literally put on a facial show.

Everybody know what's going on. I'm doing bits in my brain. It's terrible. What's the worst is when you just cough real quick and this huge little flat thing Just flies right out of your mouth Or it goes to your hand and you know you can't put your hand Right back in your pocket because everybody's going to know

You're just doing a clean up so you kind of have to hold it For a little while and just like slowly That only happens when I'm talking to a hot chick Or my boss Only time something flies out of my mouth Yeah whenever you're talking to somebody In power or somebody you want to impress, it's immediately like, Flem time, buddy!

Let's produce some shit! Let's do it. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Then I just go back to my basement. Yeah. Play with my Barbie dolls that I made look like all my ex-girlfriends. Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, speaking of Barbie dolls, have you heard about this one new doll?

They're actually going to recall it, I think. It's the Barbie doll with the camera in her chest right above her bosoms. And then the back is a recorder, so you can see everything it records. You can push play, rewind. And they're really concerned pedophiles are going to use it. Pedophile corner! This is pedophile corner.

Don't touch me there! Don't touch me there! No! Squirtstown, USA! This place to go in America. Now time. And I think the thing is, yeah, so they're very, very concerned about this doll that has a camera on it that can just be anywhere in somebody's house.

And, I mean, I think it's fucking creepy. Well, the pedophiles, what they do is they film the footage and they can upload it to a computer. Right. And the thing about the pedophiles is they're going to be playing dolls with them and they're going to be getting upshots of the skirts and little girls. They should have Barbie spelunkers

where the Barbie has to go investigate that tiny cave. She's got to get inside of the cave. She's got to take pictures. This is why you need to schedule an hour a week to sit down with someone and just talk to them about this fucked up shit

that's just sort of like is building up inside within, from within you Jackie There are people you can talk to Someone who studied this you know is how to take these horrors. She's got little goggles on her and shit.

I like the idea of this spelunking Barbie. I think that's a good thing. Absolutely. The lag tights! The lag mights! So we're going to cut Jackie's mic.

Shout out. Shout out. Shout out, Ben. The thing with that is that's a metaphor for something that happened to her in first grade. That's what you have to realize. I don't want to.

I don't want to realize any reasons why Jackie says what she says. The dark, dark base of hate. Ben's got stuff going on in his own fucking head. Yeah, I know. He's got enough happening there. I've seen his DVD collection. Saw 5 is great.

Was that too bad? Did it hurt you, the DVD line. Saw 5 is great. Was that too bad? Did it hurt you, the DVD line? Well, it did. Because he doesn't enjoy my films, and then all of a sudden he watches a movie such as Them. He makes fun of me for buying a movie Them. It's a Swedish film. I have not gotten to watch it yet.

You did see it. It's a fantastic horror film. We watched Friday the 13th Part 7 last night. Oh, that's the best one. It's pretty good. 4 is the best. Was it Manhattan? I don't think it was Manhattan. Oh, no. Jason Takes Manhattan is terrible. Yeah, it's Jason on a boat.

Yeah. Jason Takes a Boat Ride. Jason Takes a Boat Ride. He's barely in Manhattan. I was so pissed off about that. It should be called Jason Goes to a Stown Studio in LA. Not one shot of an actual New York City situation. Oh, he was walking down Times Square at one point.

I guess that was one half hour of shooting. I saw it in a theater when I was a kid. I had a great time. It's pretty awesome. The crossbow shooting through the dude's eye is pretty fucking sweet. There's some good dance. There's like half a titty in there. Yeah, always a half a titty in those Jason movies.

Is that how he gets to Manhattan? He's like a stowaway on a boat or something? Yeah, that's it. titty in there yeah always a half a titty in those Jason movies yeah vacation you want to get out he sort of got bored of the way oh no he I think he got stuck on the anchor He didn't like punch a ticket and pack a bag. He was just like, oh, now I'm on a boat. It was like Titanic. Yeah. Alright, so let's close out Pedophile Corner and work on

a new weird sex story. Alright, well, Pedophile Corner goes, don't buy those Barbie dolls with the cameras inside of them. It's very creepy. Oh, no, that's me though. That's the one upside. Well, they're good as nanny cams, but it's also not really good as nanny cams because it's a toy. So the kids can be taken all over town. So it doesn't even matter. I don't know. That's the one upside. Well, they're good as nanny cams, but it's also not really good as nanny cams because it's a toy. Everyone knows they exist now, though, so it doesn't even matter.

I don't know. I just feel like if I was a parent, I wouldn't want my kid having access to what goes on in our house with this really bizarre doll that films everything. A child doesn't know what they can share to the world and what they can't. I don't know.

Why does it need to exist? Yeah, I don't really see the use of it. And it's $50, and it was nominated for the 2011 Toy of the Year. It's just such a different time. You know, because you were working on it again. You were in a doll. We did it, guys.

You know when you, like, the coolest new effect on a toy would be, like, the back of a toy would have a little button, and it would make its arm, like, go up and down really fast. It goes body chopping. It was like, how did they ever think of this? It was awesome. And now it's like, oh, it has a camera in it. Well, I'm just giving my kids law books for Christmas.

Is that right? I mean, come on. Just teach them that toys are making lots of money in a job as they grow up. You know what was a bad habit forming drug when we were kids, or toy rather, was those smell it markers. Yeah.

Scented markers. I got high. Yeah. Oh, my God. The scented markers. I got high. Yeah. I legitimately smelled it. You longed out the scent was gone. I spent all of third grade with my nose just colored. Yeah, yeah. You were one of the dumb kids who put the whole thing in.

Well, it just smelled so good that I got it closer and closer. That and rubber cement. Right. Oh, my God. Rubber cement. It's so good. I got it closer and closer. That and rubber cement. Oh my god, rubber cement. I love the ice cream man against the candy cigarettes. Yeah, I love candy cigarettes. You know what? My local bodega still sells those. You know what?

I don't think they should have gotten such a bad rap because I never once had a candy cigarette and been like, oh, I'm smoking a cigarette because I never saw anybody eating a cigarette. It's like you don't eat cigarettes. If anything, candy cigarettes will teach you like, oh, I'm smoking a cigarette because I never saw anybody eating a cigarette. It's like, you don't eat cigarettes. If anything, candy cigarettes will teach you like, oh, this is a real cigarette, and then you chow down on half of it and you're like, I don't want this.

This is disgusting. Chow time. I want those candy cigarettes back. Alright. So moving on to another weird... Not necessarily sexual, but a man in Australia married his dog. Cowabunga!

I love this story. We talked about this briefly at Dogship, but I really think this is actually a feel-good story now. He says it's not sexual, and what he said, this is a quote from the wedding. 30 friends and family attended,

and part of the vows, you're my best friend and you make every part of my day better. What did the dog say? I need to get in contact with this dude. Let me help him build Dude Island. We can do this together. What position are you going to give him on Dude Island?

Dude, I don't even know right now, man. We've got so much shit to go, man. He rips the cattle, and he, as well as everyone else, helps to organize the pizza party. What is his life going to be when that dog fucking eats the dust in six years, man?

He's going to be over. Is he going to remarry? No, he's going to die. He's going to die as well. That's what happens to married couples. He's going to die. I have That's what happens to married couples. He's going to die. I have a broken heart, man. Sims, what do you think about marrying a dog?

Are you for it or against it? Come on up. It sounds terrible to you. It's the dumbest thing ever. I don't like dogs. I don't like animals of any kind. Don't be a bigot, Zach. No, it's not.'t be a bigot, Zach.

No, it's fine. I was talking to a vegetarian lady the other day, and she was telling me, though, you ever see an animal? You can't eat animals. You see an animal? And that's just the dumbest shit in the world. Because you do, and you like to see an animal if you see an animal. And that's just the dumbest shit in the world.

Because you do, and you like to see them. You love to eat them. You like to eat them and you like to see them. Yeah. Well, you know, they're not things. You know? I'm kind of with you. I have no problem eating the animals.

I think it's great that they got married. I think it's like in Japan, that's really big. Like getting married to pillows and video games and shit. What? The pillow women. Yeah, pillow women. That's the saddest thing you've ever heard. It is really sad, but I'm not going to stop them because that's like natural selection, man.

If you're dumb enough to marry a pillow, you shouldn't have any kids and your bloodline should end right there. I'm all for that. In China and Japan, there are a lot of women. So they have no choice. The men are all a lot of puss. Another guy married a video game avatar.

That was so strange. They also have, I saw the Popstar. There's a full-on computer-generated Popstar. And there's an auditorium full of people going crazy. Looking at a fake, a generated one. It's like a hologram type thing. Yeah, it's like a hologram thing. Is that movie Simone?

That's right. That one, god damn, one of the best films ever made. Ever made. Foretold the future and everything. God, Godfather Part 4 with Simone. Yes. So at the very least, this fella married a living, breathing creature.

Which is a good step forward. Here's how it went down. They got married in the same park that he proposed. Oh my god, whoa, whoa. How did he propose? Did he put a little ring on that bizarre little creature's toes? Wouldn't that be crazy to know if he proposed and the only time the dog ever spoke it was just like, no. Are you serious?

You've got to be shitting me. It's a female dog, right? It's a female dog. If it was a male dog, we'd have an issue. We'd have a whole other can of worms here. I'm just surprised it wasn't in a basketball arena. It is Mary Air Bud, but you know, it is a... Is that the dog? That's the dog. That is the dog? Is that the dog?

That's the dog It's a good looking retriever No, it's a Labrador What do you think about that dog? Do you think it's a beautiful dog? I think it's a good dog I think this guy's a little fucking crazy You want to marry that dog?

I'd have the dog I'd be with the dog I'm not marrying nothing What dog would you marry though? I think have the dog. I'd be with the dog. I'm not marrying nothing. If you married a dog, what dog would you marry? I think that's the real question. Graham. I think that's Great Dane. Great Dane. So here's how the proposal went.

The guy was walking his dog through the park. They saw a human couple. The guy turned to his dog and said, that could be us. The dog didn't understand what he said. The dog just stopped making shit. He peed on the bench

and then he pooped. He said, she didn't say anything, so I took that as a yes. That would be a nothing. This is no shit. This is one of his reasons why. He said, he calls

himself religious and claims he felt guilty living with honey out of wedlock. So this guy needs to die, right? He's nuts. He's absolutely nuts. He's absolutely crazy. And they're planning a honeymoon. 30 people came?

That is the worst. I've done good comedy shows. Really good shows. There's like five people. To be fair, if we had a dog wedding, we'd get like a thousand people.

Good point. So, if he's religious Was there a pastor that did the ceremony And how the fuck would you agree to that You know Let's see here I'm going to have to check out The actual article here The pastor was an iguana right

Oh man he's kissing it. Oh, my God. Yeah! So he comes on his dog. Absolutely. He definitely comes on his dog. And you know what? He's kind of a young guy.

I love the caption there. There's not, like, the actual story is just as short as the summary. I love the caption for the kissing the dog, which is, you may now kiss the dot dot dot dog? Wowzer! Bejeans! And the married couple

where the man calls the chick a bitch and they're just totally having a good time. He is kissing that dog though. He's going after that dog. And the ceremony That's so gross The ceremony was held at dusk That's nice

It'll come out at night Like the only thing is though This guy does have like a wife And like I am single And that is his situation I would say you know he's not completely off base He figured it out And the dog doesn't text you

and be like, oh, do we have to get dinner tonight? Just ask him where you've been. Exactly. Dog doesn't do any of that shit. It's a trade-off. Why are you hitting me? Why did you get drunk and hit me?

You can beat the shit out of a dog. Oh, yeah. Beat the fucking hell from it. You wouldn't tell nobody. They're really just in a relationship of like the 1930s. He's a classic kind of thinker. Well, I think we've digressed

in our relationship ways. Yeah, absolutely. I just hope they don't get divorced. You know, because how would that go down? That'd be sad. I would lose all faith in... And the dog somehow files, and it's just its paw print on the lawyer.

Like, you just see the dog go into the lawyer's office, be like, this isn't working out for me. Yeah, how does she get half? How did the dog sign the marriage certificate? I mean, I'm sure this isn't legal. This dog... This dog is a blatant... This can't be legal.

I mean, you can only assume the dog's gonna fuck other dogs That's the thing Oh my god That's really gonna fuck his head out man I saw you sniffing that dog's butt What are you doing Do you think he gets on all fours

Unless the dog sniffs his butt Absolutely He married her That's why he felt guilty He was living in sin with her He was living in sin with her and he still is. The whole thing is a sin. Unless you're fucking the dog.

You can't say out of wedlock. Unless you're having sex. He probably puts peanut butter on his dick and then lets honey lick the stuff. Dinner time. All right, show time. Honey and peanut butter come together great. Look at the picture of this dog.

This dog obviously loves to lick balls. Good looking girl. It Honey and Peter are coming together great. Look at the picture of this dog. This dog obviously loves to lick balls. Good looking girl. It's a really good looking girl. At least if you pick the dog, it's a pretty good looking dog. It's a really good looking dog. This guy obviously it's got a nice coat. I think that's not the issue here.

We'll just see if they stand the test of time. I wonder if all the other dogs are jealous. Or what all the other dogs think about this dog. Or they think that dog is terrible for dating a human. It's like miscegenation. Yeah, yeah. It's like whenever a black person or a white person in any way

but one person's just upset that they stole it from their race. Whenever you see a really hot black chick with like a let's switch it over. Then someone's pissed off. They're like, oh, you took a really hot black chick with a... Let's switch it over. Then someone's pissed off. They're like, oh, you took a really hot black chick from us, white guy. And then... And then I'm like, no, they take her

from you because she wanted me. You don't make me do the segment off of that! No, I'm saying, like, she just wanted me so bad. Fucking big old tits. And now a segment from Old McNally. Alright! I had to go somewhere. Cowab now a segment from Holden McNally. Oh, right. I had to go somewhere.

Cowabunga segment from Holden. Who's been naughty? Who's been nice? Oh, no. We'll start with Barnett. Barnett's easy. He's so full of hate. Obviously been naughty, but the problem is that's how his plan backfired on him.

He's going to send you coals. You're going to like it. You're going to send you coals. You're going to like it. You're going to enjoy the coals. What are you talking about, man? Give some reference. Who's been naughty? Who's been nice? Are we deciding for ourselves?

You have to respond. It's like a call and response. So Olden thinks you're naughty. Kevin? See how that sounds? Who's been nice? Who's been naughty? I'm going to slap the shit out of you.

I woke up at three today, guys. This is the second you came up with. We were talking. You kept calling me naughty all afternoon. You kept saying you were getting nothing for Christmas.

Now you want Jack to come up with something. What do you think you're getting for Christmas? You're getting naughty. You're getting naughty. Apparently I've been naughty and apparently

I'm not getting anything. Will has told me I'm getting boxes filled with nothing. Really creative. Really creative response Creative response. Well, that's not true. You're getting boxes. I'm getting boxes.

You never know when you get boxes. So who was nice this year? Yeah, Holden, you have to decide who's nice or naughty. Well, I've been nice. No, you're not. You're an asshole. I've been good. I've been doing good things for people. I've been groovy. I've been like a groovy guy. Jesus Christ. What happened to you, man? I don't know. I've been doing good things for people. I've been groovy. I've been like a groovy guy. Jesus Christ!

What happened to you, man? I don't know! You used to be like funny and like... I'm groovy. This is so not-chat time. Not-chat time at all. I want to be holding. Lunch time.

So I get lots of gifts. Oh, this is fun. Eddie, you've been naughty. Eddie, you don't get gifts. What did I do, Colton? Why am I naughty? You had a hernia. That is really naughty.

I forgot about that. It is naughty. It really is. I am upset about. It is naughty. It really is. I am upset about it. Can't be lifting stuff. You gotta think about the kids, dude. Think about the kids, man. Jackie, we've established you're naughty.

Apparently I'm naughty, which I don't think I've been that. How have you been nice? You know, sometimes I give gifts to kids. And sometimes I make happiness for other people. Round table vote. Naughty or nice? Jackie? Naughty. Nice. Barnett didn't say anything.

It's naughty, nice, or victim. I'm saying naughty. It's still a tie vote. Ben, you tiebreaker vote. For what? Jackie being naughty or nice? She's nice. I think Jackie's nice. Switching it up a bit.

Hey, Kessel, I think you've been nice this year, too. Thank you. I mean, when you get really wasted and you say really mean comments and then you laugh it off, that's nice. It's nice of me to do that for myself. It's all jokes. That's all I have.

Lastly, Marcus, you've been nice. Thank you. Marcus is the nicest one. Well, thank you very much. Has anybody got a case for him being naughty? With all the markers he used to sniff. There you go.

That's water under the bridge. Whenever you turn 18, they strike all of your juvenile crimes. My record's been expunged. How many times did you masturbate this year? Well, I would say more... Okay, not so many up until August. Okay.

And then since August, a lot. What did you do masturbating to? Let's see here. I go between Pornhub and Imflix. I love Orgy. I love the Orgy because I have a short attention span

so I can look at a whole bunch of different things at once. I enjoy Gang Bang. I like a good lesbian attack scene. That's a lesbian attack scene where you got lesbian attack scene where you got a whole shit load of lesbians that just attack one girl yeah

it's a sexual thing though? it's awesome oh by the way I got a Facebook message from our number one fan Isadora Isadora are our friends on Facebook. We've been chatting. How you doing, Izzy, baby?

I'm so sorry. Don't apologize to her. We all know she's partly insane. She'll kill you. She sent me a Facebook message looking for some smut. So I sent her the Prune Brothers. Okay, so the Prune Brothers. Oh, disgusting, man.

Our number one fan is looking for porn to jack off to you, so if you guys have any suggestions... Well, this isn't for masturbation. No, no, no. The Prune Brothers is... I found it on this site called E-Fucked, which is not something that anyone should go to, but I was bored one day.

E-Fucked? What's the basis? What's different about that than... It's just sick, horrible shit. It's like two girls, one cup, but in a whole bunch of different ways. Yeah, in a bunch of different ways. The Prune Brothers is some elderly woman porn. It starts off with an elderly woman

who is constipated. She's like, I gotta take a shit. I'm gonna call the Prune Brothers. Which makes sense because prune juice is a very, very nice flow maker. And so these two guys come over and they use prune juice as lube on this woman. They're probably in their, like, 20s. Stallions.

Yeah. And they pour prune juice all over this woman and fuck her in the ass. And then at the end of it, she has to go take a shit. Oh, I gotta go take a shit. I gotta take a shit. She said that on camera? Yeah, so we gotta find us a door or a different porn. And at one point, she grabs a pen and starts freaking out and hitting one of the guys with a pen.

Good question. Yeah, you sent it to me, man. Fucked my whole day up. Takes a long time to recover from the Byrne brothers. Good God. All right, and that closes out this segment. Well, now we've got the chuckle on. We've got to nod to your nice.

Yeah, nod to your nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Signs, what do you got? Am I saying myself? Well, Holden, what do you think about signs? I'm going to go with nice. Why? Because I'm networking going to go with nice. Because I'm networking.

Very nice. Very good. Thank you. Networking on signs? I'm networking on signs. Very nice looking packet you sent over. There you go. Exactly.

I sent him five headshots. I told him, pick one. Put it on my Facebook wall. So there you go. Signs, what do you think is the worst thing you've done this year? Shit. Well, we all do that. Chow time. Chow time.

Extremely chow time. A lot of unprotected sex. Does that count? Yeah. That's nice. You're giving your gift. You've been spending your gift all over town. That's good. Giving our seed. So that's nice. Now that you're giving your gift. You've been spending your gift all over town. That's good.

Giving our seed. So that's nice. I shoplifted lunch a couple months ago. Ooh. I went to one of those buffets and just piled it on and just chowed down. It was a chow time. Chow time. Went to the register, just sat down.

Yeah. Wow. Good move. That's nice. Yeah, I had no money that week. I was just saying I gotta yo I did the same thing man

like two weeks ago I was like oh shit I didn't know this shit was for free if you just don't go to the restaurant yeah

they don't tell you where you have to go you just sit down yeah that's amazing it was like yips Chinese

yips downtown that's a racist name yeah racist slang name it is yeah right yips I like that yeah That's a racist name. Racist slang name. It is, yeah, right.

It sure is. I like that. Well, it sounds like you're nice. You got it right, Holden. Sims, I got a feeling you're naughty. I killed my dad. That was early. Huh? No, I was early. Huh?

No, I was just going to make a funny joke. But he beat you, so that was nice. Yes, he did beat me. I had no idea what you were saying, and I got really scared. Sims has a very tense relationship with his father. What's going on? You want to work it out? No, no, no, I don't.

You don't like him? He doesn't like you? Why does he not like you? You never played football? You weren't strong enough? You weren't masculine enough? I never played football. I was always dancing. With that dancing. I wore a lot of kimonos around the house. I sound like my

dream child. Do you guys give each other gifts at Christmas? No. No? No. I don't go see my dad at Christmas.

Because you've been naughty. You've been naughty. I'm not a person. All right. What's your favorite memory with your dad, Zach? We're going to give you one good memory

with your dad. One good memory. And it can't be not speaking to him because that's my favorite memory with your dad, Zach? We're going to give one good memory with your dad. One good memory. And it can't be not speaking to him, because that's my favorite memory with my dad. We watched Animal House once, and he left to go smoke minutes before there was a nude scene, because he didn't want to be in the same room with me when there was a nude scene. That's very nice of him. I remember thinking, yeah, that would have been weird. That's very nice.

That's nice. That's great. There you go. That nude scene. That's very nice of him. I remember thinking, yeah, that would have been weird. That's very nice. That's great. That's horrible. Alright, Sharon. We got naughty or nice going for you. Naughty as fuck. Ed, what's the case for naughty? She walks around like she owns the place.

Me-ow. Being a jerk all the time. Only to you, though. People in general, not just to me, to children. Only to you, though. Yeah, shitty to people in general. Not just to me, to children. You're bad to kids. Every kid. I watched her punt a toddler across the field. That was the naughtiest thing I did all year, though.

I didn't do enough to her. Now I'm like in January. It's for a punt-passing kick-a-child competition. She tried to murder one, but it won. It won the fight. Oh, my Lord. That was the fight. Oh, my lord. Ha! That was a funny match. So, Charon?

Charon, I was gonna say nice, but apparently we're going naughty. No! Charon! Things are unraveling. Alright, this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Thank you so much for listening. Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Marcus

Parks, I'm Ben Kissel, Chuck Alot, Jason Sines, Zachary Simms, Sharon Paul, thank you so much for listening. Have fun times with what you're doing. That's how you're going to end it? I don't know. Chow time. Eat a bacon.

Eat a bacon. Eat a big piece of bacon. Whatever you're doing. fun with what you're doing I don't know what they're doing out there Shout out time Have fun with what you're doing.