The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 240: Ghost Rider

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: piss jugs foul up the side of a Canadian highway, a study reveals that men are more likely to travel back into time to kill Hitler, and a Floridian breaks into an ex's house to defecate on her things. Joining us today: Jake Hart and Rob Cantrell!

Hey, Roundtable listeners, we're looking to get some sponsors for the show, so if you want to help us out, go to surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. That's surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. And you can help us out by just giving us some of your information, and we can take some potential sponsors. Now, on with the Roundtable. The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen! And let them go watch what?

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the roundtable. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Shammy that pussy. Is that like a ShamWow reference?

Yeah, ShamWow that pussy. I want that pussy dry. It'll suck it up, man. It sucks up moisture. Yeah. Jackie's always sitting on a bunch of Swiffer sheets. I see you. Yeah.

Jack, he's always sitting on a bunch of Swiffer sheets. Yeah, the Meadow Spring version of Swiffer sheets, though, man. I love that Meadow Spring. That pussy smells like a breeze. I'd use it to douche if I had to. How late were y'all out last night? Till four something. Okay.

At the pit? No, we went down to Patty McGuire's after that. Oh, okay. Nice. Who's praying today, Marcus? I think you are. No, I am not. Yeah! I prayed last time. Jackie. It says Jackie. All right, Jackie. Wait, did you actually pray last time? I did. Yes.

One, two, three, not pray. Not pray. You're praying, Jackie. It's your turn. Just pray. But I just said not pray. It doesn't matter. Why aren't you wearing more clothes? Why do I need to? You know what? Dear Jesus Christ, you are white as shit.

Everybody fucking knows it. I know you get out in the sun and sometimes you tan. Sometimes I fucking tan too. So I guess I'm also Jesus Christ. All right. Thank you, Ben Kissel. I'm going to thank God for you, Kissel. Thank you.

For being able to sop up all of my humidity downstairs. Yeah. And like I said, I am dry as a bone forever and ever because I know Ben Kissel. That's why I nicknamed my cock the box fan. Amen. And that also shows How many ugly dudes Are in this room right now We're looking at about

16 ugly motherfuckers Oh man I am the only girl In this room We cannot get any Vaginal moisture going No not a lick This is just This is just what it is

Alright well welcome To the round table Of gentlemen everybody It's gonna be a wonderful episode And we're surrounded by gays. My whole family is here, and they're all gays. Yeah, I don't know. Chris Kissel might be the closest thing that could get me wet.

Oh, is that right? And my boyfriend is also in the room. Which one is Chris Kissel? Chris Kissel is that one. Yeah, he has a handsome bastard. He was a model in Milan before he pissed off the mafia and had to leave. Which is a true story. That's such a great story.

Yeah, yeah. Even so short like that, it's great. I know, I know. I mean, if Chris had any skills like I have, he would be talking into the microphone. But he doesn't, so I'm here. He's just so much worse. That sucks for him, man, you know. Yep, yep.

Man, it's got to be rough for you. I have a lot of things. You know, I have Henry as an older brother And that's rough for me Henry's uglier than you I mean, I got that going for me But man, your brothers just blow you out of the water Even the Chris does

Eric blows water out of the bathtub He's so fucking huge Even the fans online Yeah, Eric is that one. Gay Robert on the chat. Gay Robert on the chat says if that's the one with the beard, then I agree. Okay, well thank you Gay Robert

from the chat. Good God. Alright, welcome to the round table everybody. Obviously Jackie, you're here. Yeah, apparently I don't have enough clothes on, but that's fine. Well, I mean you have enough clothes, but not for your body. My breasts are covered. Yeah. And that's why you're complaining. Thank you. Yeah, apparently I don't have enough clothes on, but that's fine. Well, I mean, you have enough clothes, but not for your body. My breasts are covered. Yeah.

And that's why you're complaining. Exactly. I'm Ed Larson, and my breasts are also covered. Ugh. For now. Mustard. The human hot dog, Ed Larson, buying the Yankee Stadium for $9.99. Hultonators, ho!

Oh, yeah! We're getting hoes over there on the right here. No one's hoes. There's a bunch of people in the room. Like, it was amazingly silent after you said that. So many people are here. No one cares about what you do. Holden Nader loves his hoes.

Have our first official Nader meet-up in 2020. When you all make it five more hard years in the muck, you tell me I don't work hard enough. We'll meet up. We'll fucking discuss it. And I'll be like, sleeveless in Seattle. I'll be at the top of a building or something while I'll have to hold a picture of a rose or something.

What was the hardest work you did this week, Holden? Probably, God. Probably thinking about it. Probably like, yeah, just thinking about what clothes to put on before I leave the house and then finding where work is because they don't tell you readily. They give you an address and you have to look it up in a map or on a phone. Well, you can't get there.

Yeah. It's the same every day, right? Yeah. It's the same place, but it could change. You never know. I don't know. The world could change, man. Tectonic plates moving.

You don't know where it's going. Everything is always slightly an inch to the left. I appreciate every nadir under my fucking belt loop. Is that true? Absolutely. I don't buy it. And if we could all just stop, you know, screaming at the world and start screaming at ourselves,

I'd really appreciate it. Friends of the People star, you can watch it on TruTV, is also with us. I'm here, man. But aren't we all? Yes, we are. Okay, thank you, Kevin. I'm here, man. But aren't we all? Yes, we are. Okay, thank you, Kevin. Bit of a proverb podcast.

I guess so. We're all here, of course, in the Chuckle Hut. Not of course, but in the Chuckle Hut, we've got some great guests. Rob Cantrell is here. Thanks so much for being here, Rob. Oh, it's great to be here, guys. And Jackie. Thank you.

Thank you very much. I always love Jackie. She's so funny. Jackie. Yeah. Getting wetter by the second. Compliments work. Getting wetter by the second. Girls don't like me to go down on them because they say I have the tongue of a cat.

That wouldn't feel good. Bit of a sandpaper situation. Who's got the best tongue out of animals? Oh. The flipper is good. Hippo? Yeah. What do you think?

What do you think? Giraffe, maybe. Giraffe. Giraffe's got a main tongue. Hippo's good. I like that. It's wide. No, it's too big.

It's a good pussy-eating tongue, the giraffe. It's too big. Iguana. Giraffe is good. Do you think if a giraffe ate a frog's pussy, the frog would explode from ecstasy? Or just be weirded out. They're probably just like us. Like, what the fuck is this all about?

I didn't need this. I was just being a frog. No, man. I would just buy a cow tongue and then afterwards, like, I would use it to masturbate and then afterwards I would chop it up, put it in a taco. Right. Yeah, so you have cow tongue taco. Yeah, lengua. I think the smartest buy is a snake, man. They got technique and arguably the whole thing is a taco. Right. Yeah, so you have cow tongue taco. Yeah, lengua. I think the smartest buy is a snake, man.

They got technique and arguably the whole thing is a tongue. Yeah. Put the whole thing inside you. That's a good point. Put that tiny,

wispy tongue. That would be awful on a pussy. Tickly. It's tickly. No, it's good. It's the cobra. The cobra just kind of

the... Yeah, kind of puffs up there. Just puffs up. Can you tickle a pussy? Jake is also here. Thanks for being here, Jake. Hello. I forgot your last name.

Hart. Okay. Hart, his cock is covered in cock clothes. Thank you, Jake. You were saying, Holden? I just, can you tickle a pussy? Yes. Of course you can tickle a pussy.

Ooh, I know what I'm doing tonight. What are you doing? Tickling my girlfriend's find of pussy. Okay. Turtle is the answer. The turtle tongue. I'm telling you. Turtles actually have one of the softest tongues you can possibly find on any animal and it extends quite a long distance.

Yeah, but you gotta get past that sharp beak. That's what I was thinking of the snapper. Well, I didn't say snapper term. Have you ever gotten eaten by a toad? Have you ever gotten snappered at? No. I've never been. Yes, I was snappered at Iverson Park one time when I was a child,

and it was terrifying, and I never looked at it the same way again. Yeah, he could have taken your nose off. Well, yeah, I shouldn't have been sexually assaulted. Marcus, do you want to do a news story? Absolutely, and let me say the humans have the softest tongue out of all the mammals. Really? Man, they are soft. Yeah, we're made for eating pussy.

First news story. You never see other animals eating pussy. Bears do now. Yeah, I have seen. That is the weirdest thing I've ever seen is a bear blow himself. When did bears start blowing each other? We talked about it on the show. Isn't that something? Yeah, blowing each other, eating each other's pussies, they're having a great time.

You're here every week. Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems to me that your countless years of drinking is affecting your memory. One could say that I don't drink at all. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. There was a winter's worth of truckers' urine scattered across a ditch just west of Kamloops in Canada when KTW reached the scene last week.

Among the refuse disposed near the commercial vehicle inspection station just past the Copperhead Drive exit on Highway 1 were dozens of piss containers, including two-liter milk cartons and water bottles, filled to the brim with differing hues of yellow liquid. Oh, my goodness. A winner's worth? A winter's worth. Yeah, the snow melted, and it produced this right here. You can see in the picture dozens upon dozens of containers all filled with trucker piss.

Yeah, but I can't see the piss. That's worse. You can see the piss on this picture. I can see the piss now. It's all the piss. That's worse. You can see the piss on this picture. I can see the piss now. It's all the piss. I mean, after the snow melted here in New York City, all we saw was dog shit, right? Because in the wintertime, nobody chose to pick up their dog shit. I don't know what they thought the snow was going to do to it, but it didn't dissolve it.

We just had to step in it for the past three weeks. Freeze it and keep it. Right, pick it up. It's easier to pick up if it's in the snow. So what is this? Trucker piss has probably got, like, Gatorade and Speed, you know. Oh, of course. A lot of coffee, a little STD.

A lot of Hep C. Yeah, a little Hep C. Definitely got some trucker piss. I feel like truckers probably have one of the most toxic pisses out of all the professions, wouldn't you say? Oh, easily. I mean, this is, you know, they say that healthy piss should be clear. This is extremely yellow piss. They're not taking good care of themselves.

Isn't that something? So you want clear pee. It's a hard job. So it's not supposed to be red. No. Eat your hydrate if it's clear. There are a few things where, especially being hungover, going into the bathroom after someone took a didn't drink enough water piss in the morning, man, that smell stinks.

Yeah. It stays too. I could imagine that Doug's brother that lives with you, I'd imagine his piss smells pretty horrid. Oh yeah, it's fairly rancid. It makes my nostrils stink. It's good for your acne though, just to be in that bathroom. I don't have acne. No, I know because

you like to hang out in the bathroom. No, no, I'm fat. There was an Oprah episode. Do you guys remember this in the 90s when this woman came on and it was for, you know, doing at home remedies and she talked about taking a piss on toilet paper and rubbing it all over your face if you had really bad acne?

Does anybody remember that? Was it back when Oprah was huge? Oprah, this was about two weeks after she wheeled out all of her lard on a radio flyer. Do you remember that? When she lost like 200 pounds and she took all of her lard in garbage bags and wheeled it out. And everyone's just like, oh my God, we're so happy for you. I'm like, put some eyes on the fat because that bitch is always going to be big to me.

I loved that episode. Love Oprah. That was sassy. Love Oprah. Love Oprah. You shook your head in a sassy way. I'm saucy. That was sassy. Love over. I'm saucy. I'm sassy. I got my gay brothers here. Is there something about the gay brothers being here that

makes you a little more angry about it? As I realized as I was a child, I was in a minority majority situation and I was the minority. A straight young boy who wanted to love God and then they were doing what they were doing. You wanted to love God?

No, I didn't. But anyway, I was abused. When did you ever love him? I was abused. I like Oprah, man. I like Oprah. I don't believe in her, man. So few talk show hosts could also be. It's hard right now.

She's just been so big for so long. Now she's bigger than Coca-Cola. She's huge. She's a brand. So few talk show hosts can be the talk show host and the couch at the same time. I've always been neutral. That was a funny joke, and I almost want to recreate it. Oh, my God.

Oprah, she's big, Ed. So what do you think about her hosting? Oh, I mean, you know, it's good. You know, she gets in there, and she can do lots of things. And, like, she can host a show, and she can be the couch that everyone sits on. She is an entrepreneur. Is that what Tom Cruise Was jumping on She's amazing

I love Oprah More Oprah Alright leave Oprah alone A female Remember that story Marcus Yeah where she ate 20 pounds of macaroni and cheese 20 pounds of macaroni and cheese

Yes please That is a woman That I will idolize Until the day She was depressed And she ate 20 pounds Of macaroni and cheese Yeah she probably threw up a bunch of it.

But, I mean, you know, it's hard being a woman. No, actually, I'd say it's, we covered this. She ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oh, my God. After Beloved Flop. Which is a very difficult tale of black struggle. You like Beloved. Yeah, Toni Morrison's book Beloved.

I love that book. That's a weird, weird movie. Beloved flopped and she ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Now I remember, yeah, it flopped and she ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese because Bride of Chucky beat it. Stedman must have loved it. Bride of Chucky's great.

You can't beat that, man. You can't beat Pride of Chucky. Chucky's going to get you. Chucky's going to take you down, man. Yeah. You're up against a zombie, what, a little kid's doll that kills people? Yeah. You're going to see that movie.

And he has a bride. Yeah. Oh, shit. He's like the love child. What was the voice of the bride? Jennifer Tilly. Yeah. voice of the bride Jennifer Tilly Oh I love Jennifer Tilly Absolutely

Alright so Oprah ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese Was Stedman there or was Gail there Or she did it alone She said I asked my chef at the time Make me some macaroni and cheese How much asked Morgan Oh I ate about 30 pounds worth Oprah replied laughing.

I'm not kidding. I recognize I am depressed. Oh, that's so great. I would love to interview the celebrity chef for Oprah. I lost all sympathy when she said I asked my chef to make me. I was like, oh, things are going fine. Oh, yeah, but you know,

not for the chef. I didn't just buy a bunch of craft from the fucking corner store and just pound that. I had a chef to make it. There was nobody who wanted that movie to succeed more than her fucking chef. Because as soon as it bombed, he's like, I'm working for the next 18 hours. I'm on army duty now. I've got to serve an entire troop. That's got to be a nightmare existence.

Yeah, exactly. A nightmare. Bring me more cheese. More. Oprah, we're all out of cheese. It's four o'clock in the morning. I want more. Give me more cheese.

Why does she sit on her throne made out of bones? Why does she call the orders out to me? I heard if you get her back wet, balls pop out of it like gizmo from the gremlin. Bunch me. Bunch me more. Well, she's a great woman who did a lot. What did she do?

She gave everybody a card, fucked them. That's true. She killed those poor boys. What boys? She shot those poor boys execution style. When did she kill boys? Always, every day. She's not in the mob. Yeah.

I saw the Scientology documentary. Where'd they go if she didn't kill them? That's one voice. What the fuck is everybody talking about? All right, that's fine. Google it. YouTube it. Fucking YouTube.

Little boys Oprah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what does come up if you Google little boys Oprah? Not enough. I'll tell you that much. Some of the fucking money she has, man. She can cover it up. It disappears.

She's a fucking killer. Yeah. I mean, if you type in little boys Oprah, it's a bunch of pictures of Oprah with little boys. Uh-huh. Yeah. And where are those kids? Little African boys. Oh!

I hear they're delicious. I want 30 pounds. That's like 18 African boys. Yes, 30 pounds of food. Cover them in cheddar. That was a comment about the starvation that's happening in certain tribes in Africa. We should probably try to solve that. Well, as far as the piss story goes.

Thank you. Miles, are you suggesting that we send them the piss? Piss to Africa Marcus. Piss to Africa. You think that's appropriate? Do you want to hear what Miles Tuba has to say? That's not a name.

You can't complain until cannibalism comes along these days. Yeah you can. You can but motherfuckers eating motherfuckers. Miles Tuba, archery coordinator for the Kamloops Target Sports Association, which has an entrance on Hillside Drive, Kitty Corner, from the litter and secretion. He said, is every single one of them piss jugs? Probably not.

There's engine coolant and truck fluid. Whether it's piss or not, there's no disposal site. A garbage can would be great. And some cops are good, too. It's all piss. It's all urine. I mean, Ben, all the Kissel family, your father's a truck driver, right? My father was a truck driver.

He got into one accident, and I'll never forget it. I was at, what the fuck was the name of the church? Good News Fellowship Church, and there wasn't a lot of good news to be had there. What was the good news? Jesus is white. When Dad got into an accident, and then I prayed that he wasn't dead, and then little did I know I wasn't going to like him. So I would have taken that prayer back and switched it up a little bit.

Good Lord. Come on. We don't have a good time. What happened? We don't have a good time. What happened? I don't know what happened. You descended into madness. No, I didn't. I knew better than to ask him about his fucking father.

I took a day into it. Don't bring up trucking around Kissel. Don't talk about it. Don't talk about it. No, my dad was a real buzzkill. It's a noble gig. Fathers are hard. Yeah. He had two trailers my dad was a real buzzkill. It's a noble gig. Fathers are hard. Yeah.

He had two trailers. He was really proud of that. But, you know, you're just hauling them. You know, you're not. Okay, well, I mean, we've gone from the truck. Let's, okay, we'll still stay. Let's stay with Christians. How's about that?

Do we want to? Let's stay. And ask me anything about my dad. Jackie, what do you want to know? I don't want to know anything about it. Well, you know what? He abused me. He was mean to me.

What was his favorite breakfast? Oh, my skin. No, my dad's favorite breakfast was... Corby's hash. No, we never did it. That's a good breakfast. That's my favorite breakfast. That's my mom's favorite breakfast.

That's awesome. I don't get steak and eggs. It's too early for steak. What about your mom? Do you like your mom? Yeah. My mom's a sweet she's a victim. Chris and Eric, do you guys like your mom? Everyone? Yeah.

My mother's a victim and my dad's an abuser. I mean, I got a so-so hand from Eric over there. Well, that's because Eric is too close to the family because he didn't, you know, leave the nest. But that's okay. This too close to the family because he didn't, you know, leave the nest. But that's okay. This is supposed to be his vacation.

I'm not calling him out. You're being bad. Your back is literally to them and you're saying shit about them. We talked about it at a Mexican restaurant last night. What was the Mexican restaurant? Oh, what was it called? Oh, La Viva. Oh, okay.

La Viva, the life. Yeah. Mike, so this urinal spilled everywhere? Huh? The urine spilled everywhere? No, it was in containers. Yeah, it was in containers. Oh, damn it.

I was hoping like a really retarded supervillain got created when all this urine spilled in the wrong spot. No. God damn it. What do you guys think about the about when you walk down the street and you see Gatorade bottles full of obviously homeless person piss?

It's more polite to just piss on the street, right? As opposed to bottle it and throw it down the street. It's perfectly made to piss in. Yeah. Gatorade is like the... If you had to take a piss,

what bottle do you want? Eddie, you're on the pee on the street side. I'm on the pee on the street side. It's big enough because if you piss in a small bottle, it overflows. Big old Gatorade, though. Wide rim Gatorade. Plus,

it can be used as a weapon. Yep, that's a weapon. I don't know. Every time I see the piss in the bottle, it stays in the bottle. If you piss on the street, it just goes away. We don't even know that you did it. But homeless people piss, man. That's some errant. That's going to be smelling up your whole

block. Yeah, I'd much rather see the bottle full of piss than the homeless man's cock. piss, man. That's some errant. That's going to be smelling up your whole block. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'd much rather see the bottle full of piss than the homeless man's cock. Well, right. No, but you'll see the homeless man's cock if you see him pissing in the bottle. Yeah, but not all the way. Ooh, how big's his dick? I saw a dude. I saw a homeless dude dick yesterday.

Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. I was walking around Chinatown, and this guy just like, it wasn't like he was doing anything with it. His zipper was down, and his dick was out. He was just walking casually, and I was like, all right, that's fine. Do you think he didn't know? He probably didn't know. Oh, man.

He was just wagging around in the air. How big was the dick? Surprisingly small. Yeah. Was he a Chinese fellow? No, a big, fat, black dude. Really? With a tiny dick? I guess he just... No, a big, fat, black dude. Really? With a tiny dick?

I guess he just wanted to, you know, he's going against stereotypes. He's letting everybody know what they're in for. That's why he's homeless. You think he was homeless? He's probably homeless. Yeah. The sketch group that went before us yesterday lit a dick on fire on stage. What was the name of the sketch group?

Fucked. And I guess it was. They didn't do it right. They didn't bring all the materials out, so they just sit in there, the guy's cocks out, and they got lighter fluid on it or whatever, and they're about to light it on fire, and they couldn't find a lighter. And so we're all just sitting there

for like five minutes waiting. Just looking at this guy's flaccid dick. They're literally asking the audience for a lighter. No one knows what's going on. Everyone thinks it's the worst joke ever. It was just like, if you're going to light someone's dick on fire, bring the props. Yeah, or I would argue, fake it. You got to fake it. How is he going to do that?

I don't know, use a dildo or something. It was the man's actual dong. It got completely naked. Okay, so completely nude. And then did he end up getting lit on fire? They lit the dick on fire for a little while. How long? Who saw it?

Walter's here. You saw it, right? Yeah. Jake, can you give the microphone to Walter? What am I forgetting? No, they covered him in whatever they cover stunt guys who get lit on fire on. So you can light it on fire, but it doesn't burn you. Right.

And then, first off, there are no jokes to be told whatsoever. They were just lighting a dick on fire. They were just lighting a it on fire but it doesn't burn you. And then, like, first off, there were no jokes to be told whatsoever. They were just lighting a dick on fire. They were just lighting a dick on fire. Oh, okay. And, yeah, the guy's dick just got smaller by the second. And they just didn't know what to do. They were, like, stroking him off and shit. It was really weird.

It was weird. So he started hard? No. No. At no time was he ever hard. He was like comfortably plump in the penis, you know? So you think he had about a 30%

bone. Yeah, yeah. And then like eventually he just realized that he's just stuck there covered in goo in front of an audience because they can't get the fucking dick. Size of the crowd. These Muslim girls left in disgust. I was like, don't worry, it's not a real dick. They didn't believe me.

Yeah, I'm sure they didn't believe you, and that's actually not an insult to the Muslim religion. They made the right choice. So his dick just slowly backed out of the room? Absolutely. It just got shy and started to leave. It was weird. And they eventually lit it on fire.

And then they put it out and they're like, okay, that's the show. I want to see the script. What's the script look like for that? Doug Austin, Jackie's boyfriend, said they say wood is flammable. So that's kind of funny. I see why you love him.

Wood is flammable. He wasn't fucking hard. That was his problem. All right, Ben. You're standing in front of a big kind of funny. I see why you love him. Woody wasn't fucking hard. That was his problem. All right, Ben. You're standing in front of a big group of people. You've got to set your dick on fire in front of them. What do you think about to make your dick all big and hard? Yeah, just think about the flames.

Yeah. You just get off on that. Yep, yep, yep, yep. You have to be hard to do that. You can't go out there with even, you can't go out there with a 30 percenter. You have to be hard as shit and stay hard if anyone's going to want to watch

your dick being set on fire. I just don't understand the bit. No, there is no bit. If you've gotten to the point, yeah, if you've gotten to the point that you're setting your dick on fire on stage, like, how have you not realized you've failed? It's completely over.

Do you need a heart attack? I want ten dick chokes. While you're sitting there with your dick lighting on fire, let's get some fucking one-liners out there. Right, right, right. Let's have some fun with this. How big is it? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. That big. Yeah, either way. Yeah, it's bigger. And smaller and smaller. I don't have the punchline. I'm just giving you this. I'm giving you the setup.

But have any of you guys been nude on stage? No. I don't get nude. Holden has. Yeah. Walter has. I've been nude on camera.

Thank you, Jake. Walter, when were you nude on stage? He's got some porn next day. You can't. Yeah, you got to grab the microphone. I actually, back in Tallahassee, I did Love, Valor, Compassion directed by one Henry Zebrowski. Henry got you nude and you're like, I don't think the role calls for it. And Henry's like, yes, it does.

Yeah, it calls for it. Henry had a rehearsal where he got naked with them. Yeah, we had a naked rehearsal, so we'd all get comfortable with it. And so we walked around in the dark naked. It was so straight. Kellen was there. we'd all get comfortable with it. And so we walked around in the dark naked.

It was so great. Kellen was there. And yeah, I had to do two scenes. With HBO's Frankie J. Alvarez. Yes, Frankie J. Alvarez of looking. Okay. He was also in the show. And I had to do two scenes with one very, very fit, gorgeous man, completely naked.

And it's him naked and then me just looking like a white piece of used dough. So what did you guys do? Is it like a fight scene? No, it was just, you know, the whole play is about gay men dealing with their lives. It's like Eastern Promises with the naked fight. That's great. And then

did you light your dick on fire? You did not, so it wasn't a good show. Did it get all big and fun and hard? Not on stage. Did anyone get hard on stage? No, it's actually very difficult to get a boner on stage because you have so much other shit to worry about. Yeah, I would think that,

because some of the blood, the adrenaline is coming. It's using your brain. When you perform, you get adrenaline, and that's shooting through your brain. So your dick, when you're fucking, needs that blood and needs all that energy when you're fucking. You're so focused on everything

else you need to do that there's no way. And it's cold in theaters. It's very cold in theaters. You've got to be like 19 and never been laid before and just poured up. Ed, what makes your dick all big and moaning for it? Lots of water, you know. Just staying hydrated.

Afternoon salad. Okay. Afternoon salad, stay hydrated. You feed your salad. You feed your dick the salad. You just got to put it on the plate. So you're saying, yeah, you put your dick in a bucket of water and then put it in a big salad or are you eating the salad? It's, you know,

any way you can get it in you, you get it in you. Okay. It's because your dick can sip like a straw. It can do lots of weird tricks. Yeah. Yowza. I've been growing hair on the tip of it. Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why. Are you being

serious? No, of course it's not real. Oh, thank God. Because that would be a real medical problem. We wouldn't have to talk about that hair on the top of your cock. I don't know, man. The head of your dick has a head of hair. But it might be an evolutionary advantage, you know, so your dick can find its way in the dark.

You could draw some sunglasses on him and take him on the road. Set him on fire. You've got hair on the top of your dick can find its way in the dark. You could draw some sunglasses on him and take him on the road. Set him on fire. You got hair on the top of your dick. Next thing you know, your balls are a briefcase and your dick's a businessman. It's all crazy. Get a little fedora. Well, you wanted to make a look.

Dress it up like you would dress up a mouse. So, truckers are pissing? Yeah, let's move on to the next story. Man, truckers be pissing. Oh, truckers be pissing. They're always pissing. The road is hard.

Oh, yeah. Next news story. According to a recently published study, if they had a time machine, men would be more likely than women to travel to pre-World War II Europe and kill Hitler. I like it. Yeah.

Women don't care? Researchers from the United States, Canada, and Germany conducted a meta-analysis of 40 studies that included 6,100 participants who were asked various moral questions, including whether they would kill Hitler to prevent the war. According to the study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, both men and women calculated the consequences of such a difficult decision, but women felt more conflicted about committing murder, even if it was Hitler. I'm with the women.

Really? Of course you are. No, the question should be, would you? Oh, that's a large. Oh, that's a funny sentence, Ed. Okay. No, they should have encouraged his art career. You filthy Nazi.

Oh. All right. So you're going for the nurture argument. Go for the nurture. Encourage his art career. Make him a famous artist. He'll never become the leader of Germany, and nothing will ever happen. Yeah, but he sucked as an artist.

Well, you have to lie to people and tell them he's good. And tell them he's good. Stopping most of the people today. Yeah, exactly. Look at Ariana Grande. Is she bad? I don't know. You just made up that name.

That was a pop culture reference that I had. All right. Very good story, Marcus. So women wouldn't kill Hitler. Who would you kill if you went back? If you're not going to kill Hitler, who would you kill? Oh, my God. What would kill one person?

Would killing somebody really change anything? Benjamin Franklin. Why? That would change something. That would change everything. Just think your head. People who work for Benjamin Franklin would still get the products that Benjamin Franklin created out there. It would just be a different person with a name on it.

No bifocals. Well. I mean, they would have figured that out. Yeah. Yeah, they would have figured everything out. Oh, you know who I'd fucking kill? Who? Akeem Olajuwon.

What? The New York Knicks had a chance to win the finals And also I'd get rid of Everybody in the OJ Simpson trial too Because they fucked up game six Even Kardashian? Yeah especially Kardashian

I was thinking Charlie Manson No No Because Helter Skelter Is actually a really good song And now every time I listen to Helter Skelter is actually a really good song. And every time I listen to Helter Skelter, I got to think of that psycho. He's not a psycho. He's just having a good time.

I know. I know that it's kind of cool to like him and all, but I really like the Beatles more. I've been trying to venture it out. I see that. He was also a frustrated artist as well as Hitler. Well, Manson believes what Manson believes a hell of a lot more than John Lennon believes what John Lennon believes. You could also maybe just turn him on to like the Eagles. But I really thought Helter Skelter's a really cool song.

If you travel back in time and turn him on to a band that you hated, you know, and then it would just transfer it. So you just get him to listen to Hotel California. Yeah, or if Charlie Manson based his entire religion off of like Three Doors Down. Like that would be better. His entire cult was like based off of Creed or one of the... Kryptonite. Oh, I love Kryptonite.

It's a good song. I wouldn't want to kill Hitler because, you know, because of Hitler there's a lot of good movies and TV shows like Downfall and Danger 5.

Glorious Bastards. I would go back in time and kill Pol Pot because nobody gives a fuck about him as far as art. That's true. Yeah. You gotta take out Pol Pot.

He got away. Yeah, but the institutions that these people have in place are bigger than the actual people that you kill. So it doesn't even matter. Akeem Elijah, when you kill him, that actually affects the goddamn game. What about the pharaoh? And the national champions.

What? What pharaoh? I mean, you go back. I mean, the original. All of them? The pharaoh. The one that imprisoned all the Jews and made them slaves. He was.

That bad guy. Go get that fucker. God, you would have been such a great Jew slave, Eddie. I would have been. You would have been the best. Working so hard. Move me up the ladder, sir. Oh, it would have been phenomenal.

Phenomenal. You're like the anti-Ben-Hur. Yep. Yep. All right. Who would you kill, Holden? That'd be interesting. Washington? You would interesting. Washington?

You would kill George Washington? George Washington Carver. Peanut butter. Why would you kill George Washington? No peanut butter. I don't know. It's like I had to choose one. I wouldn't kill.

You can kill anybody. Okay. A dragon. All right. Pretty sick. Let's move on. You ruined it, Holden. I'd slay a dragon in front of everybody,

and then everybody would be like, ooh, he has the biggest muscles. He's the strongest. They call you a dragon slayer. My penis would be all giant and hard and throbbing. It's so dumb. What is, what's the live stream saying? What do they want to kill? Who do they want to killream saying? What do they want to kill? Who do they want to kill?

We gotta ask them They say they would kill Scott Stapp Oh thank god The lead singer of Creed They'd kill the lead singer of Nickelback And that's pretty much it That's about the only opinions they have Don't kill Scott Stapp Being a martyr is what he wants So you're just giving in Okay. And that's pretty much it. That's about the only opinions they have on that.

Don't kill Scott Stapp. Being a martyr is what he wants, so you're just giving in. Yeah, imprison him for life. Yeah, well, I like Creed. They had some good songs. He's not doing too well right now. Creed had some really positive songs, uplifting. He says, I just wouldn't kill anybody, man.

I'd travel back in time. I'd slap the crack pipe out of Whitney Houston's hand, and I'd give her a hug. That's what she needed, Marcus. No, she needed one more hit in the face, I think. Leave her alone. Jesus, her daughter's about to die. What's wrong with you, Jackie?

I'm just thinking about Christina, baby. I love Christina. I love Christina, and she's gonna be fine. She's doing Christina, baby. I love Christina. I love Christina. She's going to be fine. She's doing well, Christina. She's not going to be fine at all. Life support, huh?

Oh, that's a lot of people. Did she really? Did her turn? I mean, last I saw her, she was still, like, dying. Yeah, she's brain dead in a coma, so it's fine. Who? Whitney Houston's daughter. Bobby Christina. Yeah, oh, but Bobby Brown Houston's daughter. Oh, okay. Bobby Christina.

Yeah, oh, but Bobby Brown is back performing. Oh, shit. Well, he has to make money to pay for all the doctor bills. Yeah, he better write the theme for the next Ghostbusters. I don't think he's going to do that. No, he's working on that. Oh, my goodness. Well, that's great for Bobby.

Mm-hmm. What are we talking about? Depends. Bobby the that's great for Bobby. Mm-hmm. What are we talking about? Depends. Bobby the band, not the girl. Bad for her because she's a vegetable. No, Chris, she's going to pull out of it. No, she's not. No, no, no, she's not.

Stop being so optimistic. This is a bad, you know, she's done. No, Bobby, Chris, what did she do? She did the... You guys started stealing her teeth. It was an overdose. Well, uh. It was an overdose.

Now she's in a coma. I thought she was in a bathtub. She did the bathtub thing? I'm her teeth. It was an overdose. Well, I don't know. It was an overdose. Now she's in a coma. I thought she was in a bathtub. She did the bathtub thing? I'm in a bathtub. Overdose in the bathtub. Now she's in a coma. But Sissy Houston won't let her get off of life support. So she's sort of a Terry Shivo thing.

Ooh, I forgot about Terry Shivo. How did you forget about Terry Shivo? Oh, my God. Terry Shivo was everything for such a long time. Terry Shivo was living the dream, and they pulled the plug and ruined it for her. I loved Terry Shivo's life, and as I grew older, I say they should have let her live. Well, she always looked so happy. Yeah, well, she always looked like, oh.

Yeah, she had that dumb happy look on her face. Always. She was coma happy. She was coma happy. I want to be coma happy. I think she was deformed, and it looked like she was smiling. She wasn't deformed. I mean, that's what it looks like to me.

Well, take a couple of clothespins and make her smile then. I think that she was deformed. I think that's the sickest thing you've ever said. No. I think it is. She was living the dream. I think you have to live in a room with padded walls like this one. Terry Shivo, 18 days they let her starve.

As opposed to just shooting her in the head or injecting her with something. Starve? They literally, the feeding tube was removed. We shouldn't be talking about Terry Shivo. She was miserable. Why? Yeah, because everybody is the same. No one wants their feeding tube removed.

I don't know about that. Let's see. Some people are 50-50 on that. She wasn't going for a modeling contract. She's losing a good amount of weight. Well, yeah. Maybe they should have put it in at the last minute and then given her a job. All right.

Yeah, next news story? Sure, I guess so. No, man, I really think we should... Shivo is fucking paralyzed. She was a killer. Next news story? Sure, I guess so. No, man, I really think we should sit on the Terry Shiver. She was a killer. She wasn't a killer. She killed those boys. She killed those two kids, man.

What were those boys? Yeah, man, rapists. Her and Oprah together, man. Africans and macaroni and cheese. Disgusting combination. They should have fed her the 30 pounds of macaroni and cheese. December 18, Saturday, 2002. Dinner with Jerry Sandusky.

Jerry Shivo. Wow. And Oprah? Oprah was playing with the rubber. Talk about a buffet. If a fan could do a last meal picture

with Jerry Shivo as Jesus and Jerry Sandusky to her right, and then you can fill out the bevy of other carriers. That would be the sort of individuals you wish. But if Jerry Shivo could be Jesus in the Last Supper photo,

that would be amazing. Thank you so much in advance. All right, next story. A California cop is on paid leave for allegedly tickling and tampering with the corpse of a man shot and killed by police, and the dead man's family wants answers. Bakersfield police officer Aaron Stringer allegedly pulled on the toes of

Ramiro Villegas' body in November touched the bottom of Villegas' feet saying quote tickle tickle manipulated his head and told a trainee he quote loved playing with dead bodies I mean those were his crimes

I agree he didn't fuck the body he just gave it a little coochie-coo. Kevin, you're a religious dude. Post-mortem, you're dead. It's fine, man. I don't like being tickled, but dead tickled is a different thing, man. What if he woke it up?

Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good point. No, he was on a gurney covered in blood. He was super dead. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Stop it, Jerry. I'd rather be dead tickled than alive tickled. Alive tickled is horrible. Dead tickled?

Probably pleasant. We don't know. We don't and we won't care. It sounds like something your dad would have done, Jackie. Tickling? Or like just messing with a corpse. No, no, no. He doesn't touch anyone. I don't mind tickling. I like laughing. So you laugh with the tickle.

It's not a pain? I mean, not bad, but if I tickled you, is that too bad? Is that gay? No! It reminds me of getting pinned down at a young age and tickling.

When you have older brothers and things, they'll tickle you very, very aggressively. What did your older brothers do to you? Oh, my God. Eric, you wouldn't believe how fat he is now. That was not the question. You know what? Boo!

Boo! Boo! I'm telling you, the weight. You deserved it. Whatever he did to you. Well, it was typical brother stuff with the pin the you know pin you down doing the loogie thing and then the aggressive tickles I mean you know now in hindsight. I didn't realize he was rock-hard the whole fucking I was abused

Confused. It's coming at you everywhere. Right. Anyway, so yes, tickling the old body there. Whatever you do with a corpse, I am so against being concerned about what happens to corpses. I just don't care. It is, right? Should be burned or in the ground.

Sell it to China. What are your guys' thoughts on cemeteries? I was talking on Twitter with a person. That's what I was saying. I love cemeteries. Me too. But they are kind of a waste of space. They are, but this is America. We got plenty of space.

Washington Square Park's a cemetery. It's an Indian graveyard, isn't it? Yeah, it's built over a cemetery. They move the gravestones, not the bodies, man. Really? Oh, yeah. Just like poltergeist. Yeah.

I love it. What do you think? Buried? Buried, shot into space, crushed up into dust? Future parks, man. I'm donating my body to science. Me too. I want my skeleton in a classroom. This ancient monkey

can teach us many things about the world of science. Look at the monkey's arms. How is he able to walk upright? We will never know. You can almost smoke his bones. God, I love that joke, Holden, because Eddie has the body structure of a monkey. He's a primate because his brain isn't big.

I loved it. I'm just wondering if people just keep dying over and over at times, what do cemeteries do, like make new additions to the land? Yeah, I mean, I think they do stack bodies on top of bodies. Oh, yeah, and they move cemeteries all the time. They move huge pits of bodies. They? Oh, yeah. And they move cemeteries all the time. And they move, like, huge pits of bodies. They move them all over the place. But other times you get the catacombs, like in Paris, where they just put a whole bunch of bones all in one place.

I kind of like that. Can we all die in a mass grave together? No. Ben, this is getting scary. Why? I'm claustrophobic. I'm claustrophobic. You're dead.

I like to have this conversation, Ben. I got my own shit going on. Tickling a body is not the worst thing you can do to a body. It's kind of a fun thing. It's a funny little joke. It is a funny little joke. Just trying to lighten up the situation. Is it a crime to tickle the body?

It actually is not a crime. I mean, he's been suspended with paid leave. Oh, okay. So he's getting paid vacation? Yeah, he's getting paid vacation. That's how funny the joke was. We didn't laugh, but we gave you something better. You're going to Hawaii.

Well, good for him. No, there's no actual crime being, I mean, they could maybe get him with improper use of a corpse, but even then, it's not that bad. I mean, sounds like what he did is he tickled the feet a little bit. I mean, sounds like what he did is he tickled the feet a little bit. He just kind of pulled up the head, moved it from side to side, maybe moved the jaw a little bit, and then dropped it back down. Hey, how you doing?

My name's Terry. I got a shot in the head. Playing with a dead body. Yeah, and then he just started laughing, and he said, I love playing with dead bodies. Yeah, I mean, it's not bad. And then the trainee reported him. Oh, the fucking trainee.

Yeah, whatever happened to that fucking blue line, huh? Goddamn, man. This trainee's got to go. I mean, it's sort of like when you work at a restaurant or something. Like, no longer quesadillas look appealing to you. You've seen so many of them. Pants him in front of his family. At this point, he's seen so many corpses. I mean, it's just not a special thing any longer.

You know, it's just something that he sees on a daily basis. It's like when you get sick of eating all the chicken tenders at Burger King when you were working there and you got fired. Like I did. You know, but you just get sick of seeing them and it's no longer like food to you. It's just like a fun little object that you rub on your balls and serve to people. And so it's like, what?

This guy, he's just comfortable with corpses. Don't you want your loved one to be with someone who is cozy next to it? Suppose so. Wait, so he's on paid leave? Yeah. He's on paid leave. I got worse than when I fucking left the air conditioner all night at work.

You know, it's... Yeah. Paid leave, man. Yep. Pulled on the toes. See you later. Have a good vacation. Okay.

That's nice. That's pretty dope. Yeah. Let's go to Florida for our next story. A family of four had a rude awakening Friday morning when the homeowner's ex broke in and defecated on several of the family's belongings. So he had to poop once, but then he held in the poop and then pooped in another place, which is kind of funny. I don't know. I like to think that he pooped in a bowl and had a big spoon and just dolloped it around the house.

Oh, yeah. Sour cream day. Oh, man. The victim was asleep at first, but at least one of the three children inside the home allegedly witnessed Michael Anthony Johnson, 27, of a popka, break into the home and defecate on things. Johnson is accused of defecating on the victim's bedsheets, a glass kitchen

plate, a wallet, and a dresser. I'm going to shit on your plate. A wallet? That kid's never going to be okay. How old is this kid, Marcus? He was 27. The guy's 27. Here's a picture of the guy right here.

Oh my goodness. So, I mean, it was hardy dumps. I like the idea of shitting on somebody's wallet because that's something that everybody goes to immediately. Yeah, and they're still going to have to, like, even though it's already shat on, they're going to have to go into it. They need their credit cards. They need their money. He had been. He was arrested in January for domestic battery, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest and was not supposed to be at the home.

A court order was issued banning him from returning to the home. However, he had only been out of jail two days before he violated the no contact order, broke into the home, and defecated on many of their belongings. Well, why wait, you know? Yeah. Get on with it. Whether he does it two days or a month, it's still going to be the same thing. Out of all the things that could have happened,

out of all the outcomes, this really isn't the worst. It could have turned very, very violent. People could have gotten killed. He just shat on a bunch of stuff. I mean, you know. Do you think he was giggling the whole time? I would hope so. No, there were mean shits.

Like a guy playing with a corpse. Oh, my shit, I'm fucking with you. There's nothing worse than shit, though. Human shit's the worst. Yeah? I was thinking like a gun, Oh, my shit. I'm fucking with you. There's nothing worse than shit, though. Human shit's the worst. Yeah? I was thinking like a gun, like a human shit gun. If you could just shoot people, just throw shit at people like that. You could really rob a fucking gas station with a big handful of human shit.

Oh, absolutely. Just shit in your hand and go, motherfucker, I'm going to throw my shit. You see it right here. You give me everything in your hand and go, motherfucker, I'm going to throw my shit. You see it right here. You give me everything in the register or you take an eyeful of it right now. You choose. First it's going to be bad and then you're going to get some funky eye infection three weeks later. You're going to go blind. This is not good shit.

It's bad shit. Would that be considered – is that a, you know, sort of a deadly weapon thing? Is that a felony if you use Dookie as a weapon? He's charged with burglary of an occupied dwelling, criminal mischief, sanitary nuisance. It's kind of biological warfare, you know? Yeah, I didn't know sanitary nuisance was an actual charge, but hey, in California it is. In a sense, he's a terrorist. Yeah, in didn't know sanitary nuisance was an actual charge, but hey, in California it is. In a sense, he's a terrorist. Yeah, in a sense.

Let me ask you this, though. Would you rather wake up to find shit on your wallet or cum on your wallet? Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Cum. Cum, I'd lick it off.

What are we talking about here? What, we're going to Waffle House? Come on. Put it on the panties. I don't know. Yeah, cum, you get a downy roll, you can take care of that cum. I know how to clean that up right away. I agree.

I know how to deal with it. Cum might help the leather. I heard it aids the leather very well. Yeah, oh, is Jackie yourself? No, cum hardens too fast. I got to go shit. Yeah, cum is pretty gnarly, though. It does.

It definitely stains. It's like a marshmallow. Yeah, it's got like bleach in it or something. It's gonna be harder to open the wallet afterwards with cum. I take shit a thousand percent. Walter, you stood up and you declared that cum stains. Have you ever had any stained cum? Oh, look at all

your fucking sheets. Every one of the sheets of every one of us in here has a cum stain on it. Everybody has a shirt. There's cum everywhere. There is a cum stain on everything. I'm a staney boy. There's stains on everything.

I would ask, like, why was I singled out about that? Because you stood up and you raised your hand. I was worried about the leather goods. Oh, I see. Cum stains, leather. It's a nice wallet. If you get cum on it, it's going to have fucking cum stains on it. Yeah, don't even ask me about my mother's gloves.

What'd you do to your mother's gloves, Holden? Garbage full of tissues because I'm an adult. So, Holden, what's the deal with your mother's gloves? We don't speak of it. I said don't ask me. You just asked me. Now I have to take you out back and tickle you until you die.

Is it worse than her shoes? Ooh, her shoes are cursed. I don't come near those things. Which cursed those things long ago. We don't come on the shoes. You get that, Ed? You go on the shoes. Yeah. You ever live in a bathroom for a week?

No. Cool. When did you live in a bathroom? I did not say I did. I may have. Are you a toilet boy? Yeah, for sure. Porcelain is soothing to the sleep cycle.

I actually did spend a night in a laundromat bathroom the day after Christmas because my car just fucking gave up and the hotel was too expensive so I just went to a laundromat, put a dime in the thing, warmed up my jacket, and then just slept in the bathroom until the next day when I can get the car fixed. It took dimes?

Oh, this is in Georgia. Why didn't you sleep in the car? Oh, the car had gotten towed to the repair shop. And then the cop that gave me a lift was just like, here's a hotel. I'm like, that's 50 bucks. Fuck that. I'm not wasting all my Christmas money. So I just went to the laundromat and slept in the bathroom for a few hours.

Was it the funniest thing that ever happened to you? No, the funniest thing that ever happened to me was like my radiator had busted a hose and like I used up all the fluid. So I tried pissing in the radiator, you know, know for some extra mileage i got like five miles out of the whole thing that was the funniest thing that happened that day the laundromat was just depressing i've had to sleep in my car that this i had the same thing happen to me the engine blew out yeah i was going from la to san francisco chico state for a college gig and I needed my car. It was old as fuck and the engine blew out

two hours outside of LA, like completely like bottomed out. The gig was like the next day or like, yeah, the gig was the next day and the engine blew out and I was in Lost Hills, fucking California,

this place called Lost and there was nobody there, like 30 people. Yeah. It's an ominous sound. You in a David Lynch movie? Yeah, it sounds like that, but this nice dude took me to this cheap-ass garage that was

all Mexican, and they fixed my car for like, maybe 50 bucks, and I slept in my car, I got to sleep in my car, and it was beautiful, because the stars was out, and I had a ton of weed, I smoked the weed, and it was in my car, and it was beautiful because the stars was out, and I had a ton of weed. I smoked the weed. It was in my car, and I had this old hatchback, this Nissan with the glass, so I could see the stars and the thing, and I'm smoking weed.

And then in the morning, I swear to God, they go, it's 50 bucks. We got you fixed. You can go to the gig. I'm making the gig. And a taco truck pulls up and puts up a big stand with picnic tables and the tacos were like awesome, like $5. And I ate those. And I made it to the,

it was like the best fucking thing. It was like the worst to the best. You're always happy. Nothing could possibly make you sad. All you just did then was gloat. That's true. I was bragging. I'll tell you what, one time I was invited to this park, but the park

was on an entire island and we took helicopters to get there and then we found out that they got DNA to create dinosaurs. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited to go out and about in my big jeep car, right? Is that the premise for Jurassic Park?

Oh, fuckers. He saw it? I did, too. Yeah, I did, too. Yeah. Yeah, man. We saw the movie. Fuck a duckies.

All right. It's time for a segment from Hope McNeil. Where? Huh? I don't know. All right. Is there a segment? Yeah, we got a segment.

Fan fiction. Oh, okay. You weren't here. No, no, no. I wasn't here. there a segment? Yeah we got a segment Fan fiction Oh okay You weren't here No no no I wasn't there You can take anything You can take Star Wars You can take

Harry Potter And you need to create Your own fan fiction And Marcus Marcus Parks and House Will publish it Whoever wins Okay

So I will start With my With my contribution sonic the hedgehog okay good choice in there yeah hard-boiled noir about a child molestation ring okay he gets involved he he sells insurance right and this molestation house gets insured and they try to burn it down to hide all the evidence. But Sonic the Hedgehog, he's wise, right? He's there because

he loves rings. He loves rings. So he's there. And he's got a boy on hand. Tails. Tails. The Tails was a girl. Tails was a little boy. Knuckles is a big strong man. But Tails is a little boy. Tails was a little boy. Knuckles is a big strong man.

But Tails is a little boy. So he sends Tails in to infiltrate. Tails gets molested, but at the last moment they get him out, but he's driven insane by his molestation experience. So he gets carted away to a mental asylum. Like Ophelia. And we'll make some Hamlet

references. So anyway, so at the end, they find out all of the children are related to the molesters, which is a whole thing, and it's all a big conspiracy led by the Queen of England. Cool. What's the topic? Fan

fiction. Fan fiction. You want to take something from popular culture and tell your own story with it, like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. Oh, okay. Or what else they do. I already said Harry Potter. Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones. Guardians of the Galaxy. Everyone knows what fan fiction is. Yeah, Spider-Man. Wolverine. Why don't you do Wolverine? Wolverine. Let's see. For a fan fiction? Yeah. Just make up a Wolverine story. Let's see.

For a fan fiction? Yeah. Just make up a Wolverine story. Anything you want. I think it's wonderful what he can do to apples. Let's see. Wolverine, not the guy to get fisted by. No.

You're so mean, Margas. He had Kevin before he had to go. And then you put it right on him. I didn't mean to put it on him. I thought Kevin would go first and then he'd save him. Oh, you go. I'll think about Wolverine. Oh, all right.

Well, shit. My fan fiction is about the Middle Passage. And so when they got all the slaves from Africa, they got on the boat. Wait, is this like an Underground Railroad thing? No, no, no, no. This is the Middle Passage is the journey from Africa to America all the slaves from Africa, they got on the boat. Wait, is this like an Underground Railroad thing? No, no, no, no. This is the Middle Passage, the journey from Africa to America with the slaves on the boat. It's a fan fiction of real life. But in this version, it was...

Amistad. Yeah, it was... Amistad. Yeah, is it called Mamastad? No, no, no, no, no. I love Mamastad. All the slaves were summoned by Shang Tsung for a tournament. No, no, no, no, no.

All the slaves were summoned by Shang Tsung for a tournament. Is this a video game? Mortal Kombat. Don't you say, come on, Jackie. I don't know these things. And I guess the only difference between what happens in a fan fiction and what happened in real life is they were really excited about it, man, because Africans love martial arts. That's great. See, that's fun.

Wolverine. He doesn't do karate. Not the guy you want around apples. He's got claws. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got stats. Not the guy you want to get fisted by. No.

I dig it. Wolverine. Not the guy you want to get fisted by. Fan fiction. Hairstylist. Oh, yeah, that's great. Yeah, so Wolverine's a hairstylist. Edward Scissorhands. Maybe they went to the same school. Yeah. Maybe

they fucking didn't. First rule of improv, man. Yes and no, please. Don't say no. You never say no. They did. So Wolverine and Edward Scissorhands went to the same school. Wolverine realized that Edward Scissorhands was a fucking bitch,

and then he took his, I don't even know, what was the, was it a shrubbery business? Yeah. Okay. And then it started with shrubbery, and then it went to haircut. Sure. He was really good, and sometimes he cut dogs' hair. Oh, my God with shrubbery and then it went to haircut. Sure. He was really good and sometimes he cut dogs hair. Oh my god.

Don't even get me started on all that. You would love that. Can I do a fan fiction about Scooby Doo? Yeah. Cut up that kid's face when he fell on him? Yeah. He deserved it. Yeah. Fuck that kid. Scooby Doo fan fiction. Scooby's done solving Scooby Doo's

done solving tales. He's done solving Scooby-Doo's done solving tales he's done solving you know scary crimes and we just hang out all day cool just you and Scooby-Doo hanging out you know what that's very valid

lots of people write fan fiction with themselves within the story I love that alright thank god we're done with that please give us

yeah you don't want to get fisted by Wolverine Wolverine not the guy you want to get fisted by Wolverine. Wolverine, not the guy you want to get fisted. If he's Hugh Jackman. No, because of the claws. He's talking about a Wolverine, not the Wolverine. You can keep it in.

His claws are going to go through your body. If he's excited and his claws come out. But if he's inside you and he gets upset, then the claws are going to go right into your arms. What do you got, Rob? What? You know who I have? Fan fiction.

Ghost Rider. I love that dude. Yeah, Ghost Rider. That's real cool. He's on fire. It's not even his dick. It's everything. He's just, yeah, Ghost Rider, I just think it is the illest.

But what is fan fiction? You just create your own story. You create your own story with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a very loosely structured segment. That's why it doesn't really work. All of Holden's segments are too loose to actually be like segments.

Yeah, I would just be Ghost Rider, and I would just fucking roll out. And I would probably, I could do anything. Anything. Oh, shit, man. I would probably, I could do anything. Anything. Oh, shit, man. I would probably go to Australia. Definitely go to New Zealand, go snowboarding. Definitely go surfing in Australia. And I really don't want to kill anybody.

I just want to maybe go to concerts. Go to a lot of concerts. There's Ghost Riders. Will you go to Coachella? I just pull up with go to concerts. Go to a lot of concerts. There's Ghost Rider. Will you go to Coachella? All the flames. I'm getting front row to fucking ACDC. You're on fire the whole time. Who's Drake?

I'll show up at the Drake show as Ghost Rider. I'll be like, oh, motherfucker. I'm here. And if people can light their bowls off of me, I'll just be lighting people's weed. That's a lot of fun. That's it. That's it. That's perfect.

Okay. You have to be a lighter. Yeah. Your superpowers. Yeah, my dreams are simple. I got nothing. All right. I'm going to do Winnie the Pooh fan fiction.

Okay. Can I be Christopher Rabbit? Christopher Robin? No, the rabbit. No, you can't be the rabbit. You're not smart enough. So Christopher Robin is a chef. You hate Winnie the Pooh.

I fucking hate Winnie the Pooh. That's why I'm fucking talking about it. All right. So Christopher Robin is a chef. You hate Winnie the Pooh. I fucking hate Winnie the Pooh. That's why I'm fucking talking about it. So Christopher Robin is a chef. And in actuality all of the characters that live in his world are actually all foods that he

chops up to serve to people. But he views them as all of these different characters. So you've got Mama, the Mama Kangaroo. That's Kanga. And you've got, she's like got Mama, like the Mama kangaroo, that's Kanga, and you've got, she's like a broccoli. You've got Roo, and that's a

broccoli rob. And then you have Owl, that's like a peach, because who gives a fuck about a peach, and who gives a fuck about an owl? James does. Don't even bring him into this shit. Giant ones. You've got Eeyore, that's a carrot, because carrots are fucking boring. Yada, yada, yada. Eeyore wasn't's a carrot. Because carrots are fucking boring.

Yada, yada, yada. Eeyore wasn't boring. He chops them up every day. But the thing is that he thinks that they're real characters. So it makes him upset to actually make the food out of them, but that's his living. But in actuality, what's really happening is like it's the movie Vacancy with John Cusack. I liked that. And so outside of all of it is really he's in a hotel room with all these people also a la um indian kid with a tiger uh life of pie just like that

where he also thinks they're vegetables but they're all actually humans and uh he created all these characters and he just murders the fuck out of all of them. Can it happen in a snow globe? Life of Pi is so good, it gives me such a big rager. Okay, very good idea, Jackie. Mr. Robin is also Indian. Oh, isn't that exciting? So we have some fun time. So he's good at chopping things. Well, and they're good at a whole series of different things.

Great group of people. I did good with that one. You nailed it. I didn't think about it. I wasn't thinking about it. Wolverine. I did worse than you, Kessel. Did you? Yeah. No one would say that. You crashed it. I've never done well on these.

Ed? Deadwood. I would say Deadwood. My fan fiction of Deadwood would be they have to all leave Deadwood because the government came in, took it over, and they all got to get out of there. And so Al Swearengen's going down the prairie with Dan, and then they stumble upon this guy who, you know, he's dead. He has a bunch of weird animals.

Is he made out of wood? No, he's made out of flesh and blood. And he's died, and he had all these animals. And so now the two of them decide that, hey, we're going to have a zoo. So Al Swearengin and Dan invent the zoo. And they start running this zoo.

And then they just like, you know. We built a zoo? That's a movie. Yeah, but with Al Swearengin and Dan. It's the same. He just recast a movie. I don't care. You got to... So, think about the logistics of getting fisted by William Lane.

Five fucking kangaroos is too many. Yeah, yeah. So, Dan has to go see one of them with his knife and slit its throat. It's going to be great. It's going to be a hit. All right. All right, Jake. Jake?

Jack? Jack Hart? Jake Hart. I'm going to say Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China travels back in time to kill Hitler. And nobody notices that he doesn't speak German because he's such a perfect Aryan specimen that they're just like, it's fine. I love it. How does he kill him? He kills him.

He already killed a little pan with a knife to the forehead So I think he's just going to punch him to death Oh yeah Kurt Russell's going to punch Hitler to death Speaking of coming on things I'm already half hard right now Alright

Well as much as I'd love to see the Deadwood We bought a zoo We built a Deadwood zoo. It sounds great. I don't know. The world's too, things are too serious these days. Everything's sad. I want to see Ghost Rider.

Had a great time around the world. New Ghost Rider. I mean, it's just. It's like a sequel to Chinatown. It's like turning everything on its head. Basically a travel show with Ghost Rider. Exactly. But with a happy ghost.

It's a travel show with Ghost Rider. It's a fucking Discovery Channel show. Fun with Ghost Rider. But it's in Australia, you know. There's kangaroos, you know. There's a lot of things going on. Wait, is it Nicolas Cage Ghost Rider? What's that?

Is it the Nicolas Cage Ghost Rider? Well, it's the only Ghost Rider. Yeah, a lot of people hate that, but I loved it early. I was a comic book geek, but I didn't like, I liked that movie. I didn't mind that movie.

Everybody was bummed. Everybody trashed it, but I thought they did a good job. It was decent. Yeah. All right, Rob. You gotta B plus, or B. Oh, he nailed it.

Nicolas Cage is amazing in anything he's ever wanted to do. I love Nicolas Cage. He knows what he's doing. You could talk me into that. Yes, he does. Alright, well that's this episode. What, you have to piss, Jackie? Oh, I gotta piss out my front.

Alright, that's the round table for Jackie and Eddie. Alright, hold him in your hand, Kevin Barnett. Thank you so much for being here, Jake Hart. Oh yeah, come to the 420 show at the Knitting Factory on 420, Murder Fist and Rob Cantrell. Yeah, please come out. Don't miss it.

We'll celebrate the anniversary of Columbine with us. And Hitler's birthday. And a lot of weed. In the best way possible. Yeah, how did weed get 420? Oh, it's because the cops also. Who knows? Everybody says that people were getting high as at 420 in Northern California.

That's where it comes from. It's like a dead thing in the Bay Area or up there. I thought it was the cop code for marijuana possession. It's all kinds of different things. I think it may have been, but that's the only thing. I think Rob's right. But he could be argued for forever. I think it's so great that no one even remembers.

I think it's great. We'll never know. We'll talk to you soon. Y'all be good. Bye. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.