The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 242: Like a Lump on a Log

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: China is looking to ban funeral strippers, a boy is checked for a bevy of STDs after blowing on a used condom, and a pedophile steals a bus in an attempt to use it to kidnap children. Joining us today: Danny Solomon and Amber Nelson!

Hey, Roundtable listeners, we're looking to get some sponsors for the show, so if you want to help us out, go to surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. That's surveymonkey.com slash S slash Holdenators. And you can help us out by just giving us some of your information, and we can take some potential sponsors. Now, on with the Roundtable. The Roundtable. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay down. information and we can take some potential sponsors now on with the round table the round table gentlemen let's broaden our minds it's time for action gentlemen gentlemen what's the topic of discussion civility gentlemen always civility What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. This is mic check. I love the meows. Yeah, everyone's good, I think. Meow mix. Oh, my God. Who's praying? I'm praying, right? You are.

You're praying, Eddie. Yeah, yeah. Wish I would prepare. We're going to start notifying each other when we're praying. It's funny when you're off the cuff. Eddie, you're praying. You're praying, Eddie. Do we need to get the energy up?

I'm doing it right now. In the name of the Father and the Son. Energy is up. I'm closing my eyes right now. I'm ready for this. Holy Spirit, amen. Dear Black Jesus, what up, dog? How you doing, man?

Oh, my God. That's how you're talking to Black Jesus, you dumb white fuck. Yeah, man. What's up? How you doing? Hope everything's okay. Hope no one's going to fucking shoot you, you know, and just, you know, worried about you. And I hope everything works out for you, Black Jesus.

Oh, wow. Already moved to out for you, Black Jesus. Wow. Already moved to White Jesus. Great, Eddie. I mean, I'm not used to this. I've never done this before. I've never prayed to Black Jesus. How stoned are you right now, Ed? Enough.

Okay. And Black Jesus, keep coming out with those great Kendrick Lamar records. Nice. That's Kendrick Lamar. It's not Black Jesus doing that. There's a person behind those records. Yeah, Black Jesus. Adios, brother.

All right, kind of a Mexican Jesus. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, I'm white again. Wow, man, because really, by the way you were sounding, just then, you changed colors, dog. He really did. I'm quite the fucking chameleon. I would love to see you go through a church,

like when they need a pastor and they're getting interim pastors, you know, and then you just give a 45-minute lecture on nonsense like that. I'd do it if I was a little more evil. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. It's a round table full of gentlemen, I guess. All right, so who's around here? Jackie Zebrowski's not here because she's having a relationship day with her boyfriend to maintain that love.

So filling in for her is Amber Nelson. Hello, everyone. Nice to meet you aliens. I know this is going to get to you in 50 years, so I'll be long and dead, but this captures my spirit, right? It ain't bad. Aliens love to hear your voice. Eddie, you're here. Yes, I'll be dead and dead, but this captures my spirit, right? It ain't bad aliens love to hear your voice. Eddie, you're here.

Yes, I'll be dead, but not long. No, not 50 years, yeah. Give you five days tops. Holden? No. Eddie Holden out for this episode. Eddie Holden out for this episode. What's up, Black Jesus aliens?

Where my dogs at, you sins? Do you pretend to be like the moron from Eastbound and Down? Are you ready to rumble, Kissel? We're going to get crazy tonight, man. Oh, man, I wish I was in the room with you late last night, though. I have a feeling Kissel got some pussy. I never have, and I never will. Kevin Barnett's not here.

He's at a wedding in Florida, so replacing him... His brother's wedding. Congratulations. Absolutely. Honestly, very excited to see our guest today. Rarely am I excited to see the guest all the way from Los Angeles. We've known each other for absolutely... And Kevin's definitely not going to be here?

Kevin's not going to be here. We've known each other for years. Danny Solomon is with us. Danny Solomon. White Kevin Barnett. White Kevin Barnett. Welcome back, buddy. Danny was on the first. You were our second guest, I think.

I think so. Or our third guest. Something like that. Yeah, yeah. Way long ago. Back in the prehistoric days of this podcast. Yeah, back in the basement. That's right.

Yeah. That's fucking scary. And you guys were relegated to a basement instead of a room that looks like a basement. Yeah, I think this is still a basement. It's just a bigger basement. Yeah. How's L.A., Dan? Oh, it's the best.

And if you say one bad word about L.A., you're blacklisted. So it's the best. Good thing we were recording earlier. You watched that Scientology documentary? I did. I loved it. And I actually live right next to that Scientology documentary? I did. I loved it. And I actually live right next to the Scientology building. Really?

Yeah. How does that make you feel? Is it creepy? Is there a presence? Well, I didn't really know enough about it. I knew it was weird, but they all just kind of mill around. This is the blue building, by the way. There are two buildings.

Right, that big, scary blue one. Yeah, a lot of people ask me about the one by the UCB. That one is actually the Celebrity Center, and that's where all the celebs hang out. And this blue one, the big one, is like the prison. Yeah, that's where they keep the people. That's the RPF. That's the Rehabilitation Project Force building.

And that's in Los Feliz. Yeah, right. Well, it's like, yeah, Los Feliz, East Hollywood. You know, we could get way more specific about the parts of L.A. Have you thought about joining? I don't think those guys look cool enough to get me. If they had one guy

who came out just to be like, look, I know this is all bullshit, man, but let's talk about it anyway. Not one skateboarder in the bunch. No, there's like, you know, they all look like dorks. But it's definitely more prominent in LA, right?

They take over out there, man. It's more? But it's definitely more prominent in L.A., right? Oh, yeah. They take over out there, man. It's fucking insane walking around. Everything's Scientology. Is it Mormon-like? Is it Jehovah's Witness-esque? What's the feel? It's more chaos.

It's scarier. You know there's something dark going on in there. But, you know, they only came out with all this stuff when the book Going Clear came out that like and and people were like writing letters about it but in the documentary people only started seemingly to talk about in like 2004 2005 so all the shit that was going on before then like everybody thought they were just normal and i wonder what it was like to live near there then like creepy people are still after the documentary came out still going up and talking to these Scientology guys and, like, getting recruited? Well, yeah, of course.

How do you still feel like doing it? Well, how do people still join ISIS? Most people don't have HBO. Because ISIS rules, Ed. I mean, ISIS is doing a pretty kick-ass job of recruitment. I understand why people want to go join them, not for their political reasons, because they feel disenfranchised when you're in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Cool as ISIS.

Cool as ISIS. It's like Jonestown, you know? Jonestown, they were just very liberal. Everybody thought they were just so liberal, and it was all about civil rights and stuff, you know, before the Kool-Aid and the mass suicide. It's a bait and switch. There's just one, there's like a guy who looks pretty cool and there's a system that seems like you could get into it

and then one day they're like, oh, and also I'm Jesus and stuff. And then you're like, I guess I'm still on board. Very cool. Like Brian Jones or whatever looks like... Jim Jones. Jim Jones, sorry. Brian Jones was in the Rolling Stones.

Oh, okay, that's what it is. Jim Jones kind of looked Elvis-y, kind of looked friendly. Like, Elron Hubbard looks devilish. Yeah. That's what it is. Jim Jones kind of looked Elvis-y, kind of looked friendly. Like, L. Ron Hubbard looks devilish. Yeah. He's got that, like, red hair. He's got sharp vampire teeth. And it's funny. You say devilish.

You say devilish, and I immediately think of eggs. And he looks like an egg. He's like Eggman from Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Dr. Robotnik. Dr. Robotnik. He does look a little bit like Dr. Robotnik.

No mustache. Henry would be good at being the leader of Scientology. Yes, he would. Henry's the brownie? Well, they want to recruit him, but then Henry starts talking

and the Scientology people are like, you're crazy. And he's like, come be friends with me. So Henry has a different kind of repellent. Didn't you have an experience with, like,

outside the Scientology building? Well, I've been doing this on stage, so I didn't want to try to casually bring it up. Is it real? The thing that happened, it's a slight exaggeration of something that happened. Alright, we do that on here. But the story,

the way it worked was... Don't make it too bitty. Alright, well the way it really went down isn't as fun, but there's this one guy who I... Danny, I understand that you had a bit of a run in with this. What are you guys saying? Well, Scientology was it.

Thank you very much, Byron. That was great. What happened was... $300 million, by the way. Byron Allen. Byron Allen is super rich. Byron Allen crushes. A game that I started playing with a bunch of people in LA, which I guess is pretty, and could be anywhere. I don't even know why I threw that part of it in there.

But is you can go to celebritynetworth.com. Yeah. Anytime you want, look up, like, pretty much anybody. They've got a lot of weird celebrities you wouldn't expect are on there. Yeah. And just, like, guess how much people are worth. And then look them up. I heard you moved out to Los Angeles, and you have a real specific Scientology story.

So what happened was, and this is the fake story. Make it bitty. I was walking by this guy, and he was doing work. He was pulling up the weeds or whatever. I walked by him, and I guess I must have given him a look like, I feel sorry for you. I've seen going clear, and I guess they've been trained to deal with that stuff. But what this guy did, he looked at me and he goes, help me. And then I paused.

Okay, is that real? What happened was he looked at me and he gave me like a what the fuck kind of look. Like, fuck you kind of look. But the help me part seemed, like he kind of had this look in his eyes like, I know what you're thinking. Right. And then he goes, nah, i'm just fucking with you which seemed pretty funny if he had said if he said help me that's more poignant right but you know how like when you do a bit you felt something in the moment right that you can't translate if you actually tell the real story right right so

that's so i've i've made it more clear that that's what we both were going for. Pun intended. And Eddie, you had a funny situation when you were driving through Tennessee without a seatbelt. Oh my God, do I ever. I love that joke. It was me and a bear. Yeah. Isn't that so? We were fucking looking for Honey.

Oh, isn't that? Yeah, and then when we got it, we found it and Honey was his wife. Look at that. Look at that. We fucking tag teamed that and Honey was his wife. Look at that. Look at that. Fucking tag team that big bear bitch. Oh, look at that. Amber, you were at Six Flags recently, weren't you? You were swimming in some random pond.

Fuck yeah. Pond and Six Flags. That's their new ride. It's called Ebola. Look at that. Look at that. My grandmother was on her deathbed. No, I did not pre-

She asked me to lay next to her and just hold her. We did not pre-screen that one. And we cried together in her final moments. And she whispered in my ear, pull the cord. And I did. Okay, hold on.

What was the cord? Now, I heard you had some fun times with her grandmother. I was molested when I was eight. Okay, that's a different story. I thought you were going to say you pulled the cord, and then as she was dying, she quickly molested you. When I was eight years old, my grandmother was dying.

She screamed, pull the cord, and I did. And then she, everyone at the same time, molested me. Was the cord your dopey cock? Yeah. No. Okay. There are only two ways to go with that. If that's your dying wish, like what if it's like a kid's dying or like an older person's dying, like I get one wish, I want to molest a boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that legal or would it? No, it's still illegal, but you die, so you avoid any sort of punishment or consequence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that legal or would it... No, it's still illegal but you die so you avoid any sort of punishment or consequence. Yeah. You can just dress up,

you know, a man like a boy. Right. Do we give them the virtual reality boy sex when it becomes available? What a great idea.

If Oculus Rift made like fuck a little boy. Fuck a little boy so they get to fuck... Does it make the problem better Or does it make the problem worse I think it makes it better

I think they get The guys who are on edge Who are on the fence This is gonna help them not do it 100% You get a pocket pussy But instead it's shaped like A little boy's asshole

I'm sorry it is And what do you look at And Holden how much You're selling these for $25,000 a pop $25,000 Well that. $25,000? Well, that's a steal at any butthole price. It's like making weed legal or something, you know?

The government can tax it. The guy who invents that can set the price. It can be anything you want. It can be anything. I've got your little boy asshole and the virtual reality video and stuff. It's done. I feel like the guy would want like jello snacks

or something. You know, like 18 pudding strips or something weird like that. It's not like you go to the grocery store and you like pick up like some ground beef

and some cheese whiz and like, oh, let me get this like little boy anus. Well, you can shave those two things into a little boy's asshole. Well, you can shave anything

into a little boy's butt, but we're not here to talk about that. It's voiced by Nancy Cartwright. Oh. Nancy Cartwright? Who's that? Bart Simpson. Do they molest more or less if we give them the Oculus?

Well, my brother actually wrote his master's paper on this. About child porn and pedophilia. Is this Pedophile Corner? I guess we can bring that back. Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

Go ahead, Ben. What were you saying? You know, it's kind of funny. I didn't miss it. I didn't miss the corner. I actually never really liked that segment on this show. I don't like a lot of the segments on this show. You have the technology.

You're finally able to fuck a fake little boy asshole and watch the porn. Does it make you want to molest more? Or does it make you not want to molest at all and just enjoy that for the rest of your life? The theory is that you molest less because you're getting off, you know, in this I suppose in your situation a fake boy's butthole.

But in reality, I think it actually increases it. The more you ejaculate, the more cum your body makes and the more you want to have sex, which is one of those bizarre ironies. Well, there is actually a man who is making child sex dolls. Yeah, that was in Japan, right? Yeah, there's in Japan.

If you look at the screen. It's a story. It was all over the news. Why is Japan such a freak screen? Oh, she's not that young. She's 33 in Japanese. Yeah, what are we saying here? She's probably lying about being 18, but she's what, like 15 or something?

She's a doll. She looks like 13 or 14 if that's the person. Yeah, that's what they say is that it's supposed to be 12 to 14. Right. Oh, so you can't make an infant to fuck. She can play 20. Yeah. And it comes with a removable silicone genital insert.

Oh, does that mean you can put a dick on it? You could if you wanted to. Put a dick on it. You can do a lot of different things with it. Just place your dick on it. And there's another guy named Buck Dobson that's making a white version. That's his little... Oh, so creepy.

You know what the problem is? We didn't mind the Japanese one as much because deep down we're racist. This is the next Chucky movie. The child love dog. I'll tell you one thing. Is he going to take down pedophiles? Chucky's the good guy. Exactly.

He's finally a good guy. That would be amazing. He goes undercover. That's incredible. For the fans listening, somebody please create some sort of art. Fuck that's mine. Copyright. Oh, you're out there That's incredible For the fans listening Somebody please create Some sort of art Fuck that's mine Copyright

Yeah Oh you're copywriting it Yeah Is that how it works You just scream copyright And then it's I hope so And I've got

Eddie's got a lot of things Copywrote I've got computers Copyright You call it Fuck Chucky Or Fucky Or Fucky

Yeah And I've got some friends in LA I'd like to introduce you to. Are they all working in the garden? I knew you went out there for a reason, man. It's great. Welcome back, Danny.

Is this a record for how long we've gone without talking about a news story? We just talked about a news story. But still, it was like 10 minutes. And you know what? The first news story, pedophile. Yeah. All right.

There we go. It's led into the conversation already. Yeah. Okay, Marcus, it's time for a news story from you. Pedophile corner. I don't want to do pedophile corner. That's an orangutan.

The orangutans are at the circus too, Ben. Yeah, well, pedophiles. Cotton candy. Get your cotton candy over here. Did he just say cock and candy? Cock and candy? Cock and candy. Did he say cotton candy?

Can I see your cock and give you some candy? If I see your cock and my candy, we're going to get some cock and candy. Danny told me to go buy some cock and candy. See, isn't it good to get involved with it? Right. All right. Very good. Here's a news story.

A convicted sex offender allegedly stole a school bus and tried to pick up a child at her home in Utah. Patrick James Fredrickson, 30, was arrested on Monday after Emory County Sheriff's Office received a report of a suspicious man driving a school bus. An investigation showed that Fredrickson, who is on parole, was working for a landscaping company in Huntington, Utah, when he walked off the job and stole a school bus. After stealing the school bus and using a list he found in the bus containing names and directions, Fredrickson attempted to pick up one child at her home and was asking for directions to a second child's home.

He faces multiple charges, including theft of a vehicle and attempted child kidnapping. His prior convictions include unlawful sexual activity with a minor, impersonating a police officer, forgery, theft, possession of an altered prescription, and criminal mischief. Isn't that something? He thinks outside the box, though. You know, he stole a school bus. I mean, it's pretty, you know. What do kids go in? A school bus. box, though. You know, he stole a school bus.

I mean, it's pretty, you know. What do kids go in? A school bus. Yeah, exactly. So he literally stole the thing that they like to enter. So much better than a van. And he impersonated a cop. He's a check forger.

He's got all these things going on. I feel like his genius is wasted on being a pedophile. It's sort of like that Leonardo DiCaprio movie, Catch Me If You Can, but of course they can. Catch Me If You Can, the British version. Yes. Catch Me If I Come, but of course they can. Catch Me If Me Can, the British version. Yes. Catch Me If I Come. Right.

Cock and candy. And he's in a school bus, so he's easy to catch. That's great. I like criminal mischief. It sounds like David Blaine robbed a bank. Ooh, yeah. Absolutely. So the man's a pedophile.

He drove a bus all around trying to get the kids, but he didn't do a very good job of it. How can we use this guy for good? I mean, he's obviously innovative. Turn him on other pedophiles, Dexter it. Is there a pedophile Dexter who's going out there and blowing pedophiles against their will? That would be a great idea. Well, he'd have to be dressed up like a little boy. No, an old man.

Yeah. So they an old man. Yeah. So they really hate it. You've got to rape the rapist. You've got to pedophile the pedophile. I actually think this was a Dan St. Germain, Henry Zebrowski sketch. Oh, it was. I'm 100% sure.

No, it certainly was. Oh, Dan St. Germain and Henry Zebrowski made a YouTube video a little bit while back there. It was parodied of the wrestler. And I'll tell you one thing. Not that one. No, not that one. It was. Not that one. It was a Dexter one. It was a Dexter one. You can't tell those two apart. Dan and Henry?

Dan and Henry. Holy Lord. Very same looking. Different personalities though. One sadder than the other. But you can make that choice for yourself. Listeners at home, write in with your guess as to who's the best. No one has made plans and canceled with me more than Dan St. Germain.

Well, you've got to remember you made them. Nonetheless, Dan's a great guy and a great comic, and we love to have him on whenever he's around. Is that true? Yeah, I love Dan. I talk to Dan all the time. I love Dan. I love to Dan all the time. I love Dan. I love everybody.

They're all welcome. Anyway, so you're in Los Angeles. I heard you had a Scientology story. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is a great one. And 100% true. I walked by this guy. Don't make it too bitty. I walked in front of this guy. He was in front of the Scientology building.

Turns out he's John Travolta. Starts sucking my dick. Oh, my God. Wow. He skipped past the massage. No, yeah. The whole thing was just he immediately sucks your dick. Wow.

That's why he's so famous. That's something. Well, Los Angeles, it's just a different place. It's fun land. A lot of parts of it have Mexican names. Isn't that fun? Los Feliz. Bernagondo.

Bernagondo, yeah. Santa Barbara. Santa Baribo. Baribo, yeah. Carlos. Carlos. Taco Hills. Taco Hills.

I love Taco Hills. Valley. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Brown. Isn't that something? La Puerta. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah's right. That's right. Brown. Isn't that something? La Puerta. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of different names that you could say. I love it. Is Travolta sucking your dick a meter reading? Yeah, it went on the weigh the rise side of the e-meter. Tell me about your past. I was super stressed out before he started sucking my dick, and then the moment he was done, I was no longer stressed out.

Thanks, Scientology. If there was a church that you joined and your dick got sucked immediately, how big do you think that congregation would grow? I don't know. It'd be fun. It could be big. It could be big. It'd get me to church,

that's for damn sure. Hell yeah. I think they might reject you, Eddie. I think they might deny you. That's fine. Sucking Eddie's dick,

getting through all that. Chicks suck his dick all the time, man. A chick sucks his dick sometimes. Hey, Ed, how many times have you gotten your dick sucked since I left New York?

Since you left New York? Oh my god. Well, since you left New York, none. Do you have a calculator the size of a room, Dan? Subtract how many times you sucked his dick while you were here, and that's the number. Zero. He hasn't gotten his dick sucked at all. How is that possible or true? I get my dick sucked

fine. Yeah. It's disgusting. Yeah, I'd imagine you have no problem getting your dick sucked. Yes, well, right now it's wonderful. I have my dick sucked fine. Yeah. It's disgusting. Yeah, I imagine you have no problem getting your dick sucked. Yes, well, right now it's wonderful. I have a very pretty girlfriend and she sucks my dick constantly. Well, don't talk about her like that, Ed. Why? It's nice. She's beautiful. I call her beautiful. And she

masturbates him and sucks on his cock. Yeah, she's a nice girl. She does that to Eddie. Yeah. Alright. I'm celibate. She lets me do it to her. Aw, Ben, I know you've been spanking a nice girl. She does that to Eddie. Okay, yeah. All right. I'm celibate. She lets me do it to her. Oh, Ben, I know you've been spanking a girl lately. No, I haven't. Yeah, she's been naughty. No, she hasn't.

And she doesn't exist, so I'm celibate. Culture in L.A., have you seen, what's the difference between New York City and Los Angeles? I'm thinking about moving out there in 2017. Well, hopefully by then the water will have run out and everybody's just fucking killing each other. It's going to turn into Mad Max. It's getting crazy.

This is so scary. Yeah, of course. It's very real. By next year, they say we're going to be out of water. So as a citizen, what are the ramifications of the lack of water? You've got to leave. Yeah, it's going to turn into Mad Max, probably.

Dust Bowl, man. Crazy. Yeah, they'll all move to Maine. Maine's got a shit ton of water. Huh. Yeah, there's so much other water in the country, but I guess they can't get it out to California easily. Here's the thing of why I hate L.A. a bit. Fuck L.A.

It's because you can use the seawater but it's a lot of money or you can make a Fast and Furious 7. Yeah, I mean, I would even on a smaller scale, I could start saving bottles of distilled water or like, you know, big jugs to prepare for this. Have you thought about doing that? I get stoned every night.

So, no. I get stoned and that's all I do. If you were getting stoned, that's such a fun thing to do, getting stoned. Just get water. I'm telling you, man, when the water runs out, you're not going to want to be holding on all that water. You're going to be, because people are going to become, they're going to kill you for the water. You've got to be a hunter. That's how you survive.

And I could get stoned and just steal water. I'll tell you what, camels hold water really good. That's actually a myth. And you can eat camels. Go to the zoo. That's right. As soon as you're ready, go to the zoo and cut up a camel. I mean, you know.

Grab that fucker by the lip and be like, you come with me, camel. I went to the L.A. Zoo with Eddie. Yeah. We saw a jaguar. So a camel is a California water fountain? Big fucker jaguar. That fucking jaguar. That jaguar was a big mean war fucker.

You're so dumb. Who took who? Did you take Holden or did Holden take you? We took a big murder fist trip to the zoo together. Yeah, big fun group visit. When was that? Holden, how much does murder fist hate you right now do you think? Four years ago. Scale of one to zero zoo together. Yeah, big fun group visit. When was that? Holden, how much does Murderfist hate you right now,

do you think? Four years ago. A scale of one to zero? Yeah. Zero. Zero. They love me. What's that mean?

That means we like you. Yeah. Eddie? No, Holden's not really pissing anyone off these days. Really? Yeah, I'm doing good. Wow.

I stopped giving a shit about our future. Good. I kind of realized that we're going nowhere fast. Yeah, just enjoy the ride down. Enjoy the ride straight back down. It's like a roller coaster. Yeah, but just always going downward.

It's liberating. It's like when you're shackled, there's a certain liberation to not being able to move. We were in L.A. several, several years ago when we thought we might maybe get to have a TV show or something. And then we realized that it was just a big trick to see Henry. And now that was when we went to the zoo. Exciting.

We went out there for a week, had no shows, and went to the zoo and came back. That's fun. But Henry had like eight meetings. Well, of course, he's a busy guy. Yeah. All right, Marcus. Let's do like eight meetings. Well, of course he's a busy guy. Yeah. All right, Marcus. Let's do another news story. An eight-year-old Colorado boy found a used condom at a playground and blew it up like a balloon.

And now the unnamed child is undergoing tests for STDs. Oh. Well, he'll be fine. He will be. Yeah, yeah. Man up. Man up, kid. Yeah.

The boy's mother is speaking out to media to warn parents to educate their kids that condoms aren't toys. If your child sees one, they shouldn't touch it, and they should immediately tell an adult. The boy's mother, Alicia, said he's at risk for HIV, hepatitis C, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia. I don't think so. She's like, why is it bad that I blew on the balloon? Why did you sit there and explain it to him? A man put his dick in it. It's bad if you blew on the inside or the outside.

They were both contaminated, Billy. The man made yuck-yuck milk in it. The boy found the condom at the playground at Bennett Elementary School, and his mother had to pull it from his mouth. She brought him into the restroom and washed his hands

and the inside of his mouth thoroughly. Those fucking kids, man. I mean, you know kids like that they pick shit up all the time and just start chewing it. Remember those kids?

You're probably immune to AIDS. Get some kids blood in you and that's how Magic Johnson lives. It's worth a try. Yeah. That's why I never get sick because I was constantly putting shit in my mouth.

Exactly. Yeah, I did the same thing. You're probably about to agree as well, right? You're not a germaphobe in the least, right? No. One time when I was a kid, I kicked a tin can, and I got rust inside of an open wound. It healed.

I'm fine. Yeah, you are fine, Amber. No obvious signs of any mental problems. I bit one of my teachers when I was younger. Really? I feel like that could have done something. Now, why did you bite? Did you draw blood?

Possibly. She dropped me immediately and slapped me across the face. She picked you up? You were a piece of shit, weren't you? I was a little bastard. That sounds like it. She was totally right to do it. Nobody called anybody's parents that day.

No, absolutely not. A little biter. Hot teacher, huh? She's pretty cute. Mrs. Harrison was my teacher in 7th grade. She went to be a model in Chicago. She married very well. My friend Matt Shulis touched her pussy on accident. On accident?

Yeah, he did. How was it an accident? He was going back to say something to me. No, he was going back to say something to me. He waved his hand right into her vagina and I smelled the hand. No. But it was very exciting for us.

I remember we had Miss Perry. Hottest fucking gym teacher ever. Oh, gym teacher. Gym teacher, yeah. And she was standing. She was seventh grade as well. She was standing. She was talking to my buddy, Justin Landman.

He was looking up, and she realized that he was looking up into her shorts. And then she grabbed him and pulled him in the office and then held him in the office and yelled at him a whole bunch. And then gave him a detention. He walked out, like, ear to ear grin. Yeah, yeah. He's just like, completely worth it. Absolutely it was. Absolutely.

The man went in a child and walked out a CEO. That's what happens. That's how you learn how to come the right way. A gym teacher screams at you, and you get rock hard. I'll never forget. You know, I went to one of those evangelical churches where they pass you out. When the pastor touches your head, you pass out, and you fall down. Did I tell this story on this show before?

No. I don't think so. So it was this big thing. So the pastor's going around touching people. They're all falling down, and, you know, it's this whole theatrical event that's total nonsense. Exactly. Laying on hands and speaking in tongues. the guy passes me out basically he pushes you over he pushes you down and then i'll and you're supposed to have your eyes shut and pray and i

opened my eyes right into a girl's skirt i was looking right at her vagina we met eyes and we just started laughing together and i've iated that night. It was great. It was one of my favorite experiences. I was 12 years old, and this girl was probably a similar age, and she was wearing white panties there. So that's kind of for church. Now, you're allowed to care about that as long as you're still the boy when you're masturbating.

You also have to pretend that you're a boy. Why? Why wouldn't I? I'm just saying. Because maybe you're always attracted to 12-year-olds in white panties, you know? No, no, because you don't see age. I feel like it's a natal appointment thing. I know a guy that can make you a doll.

No, when you're 12 years old, okay. Yes, I'm sure you do. When you are 12 years old and the crush that you had when you were 12, don't you age with them in your brain? I feel like you were like, when I banged, we've talked about this before marcus right yeah yeah when i banged this big titted girl when i was 16 i'm still allowed to enjoy that right because yeah because you came up together yeah right yeah you've earned it so you can still masturbate to that memory yeah right because you'll yeah but in your head she's not like oh you don't think she's hot because she's 16 but they're still sexually

developed women it's not like we fucked a kid and then think she's hot because she's 16. But they're still sexually developed women. It's not like we fucked a kid and then we're masturbating to like an eight-year-old. I didn't have sex until I was 18, so I'm all legal all the time. Also like a bed that's made out of tits. And you're laying in it

and rolling around in it. Oh, I had some, I mean, when I was that age, I had some pretty weird fantasies about how I wanted my sex to happen. What did you want? I had this whole thing about stopping time.

And then taking off a chick's clothes and feeling them up. And you know what I found out? There's Japanese pornography where dudes do that. What do you mean? Zach Morris calls a time out? You call a time out. That's where I got the idea. The women are completely paused.

And in the actual Japanese porno videos, these women are completely paused. And in the actual Japanese porno videos, these women have to stand perfectly still and get fucked and pretend like they're frozen in time the entire sex session. Well, it's not difficult to pretend like you're not having sex with a Japanese man. It's like Stephen Hawking rape, you know?

Yeah. I didn't know that was a thing. He'd be fun to rape. So you just want to... He'd be fun to rape. But what about... That's the Mount Everest of rapes. Of rapes, yeah.

That's a weird thing to me. That's like a Bill Cosby thing, though. So you just want the person frozen in time? Well, I don't want it anymore. Right. I like it when they move around now. Well, yeah, good. Yeah.

It lets you know they're alive. It lets you know they're alive. Yeah, when they squiggle and they squirm. They're alive. They're just stuck in time. It's like the Langoliers. Oh, the Langoliggle and they squirm. They're alive. They're just stuck in time. It's like the Langoliers. Oh, the Langoliers. Langoliers.

I love them. I've never heard of this stop time porn. Oh, my God. I didn't know this was a thing. There it is. So there's a woman.

And she's like a real woman. And she's doing a great job of acting. As far as... And he can move her around. He can bend her. He can pose her. This just seems like dudes

that just want a woman to be still and not do anything. Why just get one of those child sex dolls if you want to do this? Oh, my God. Seems fine. No, it's not that bad. Oh, it's blurred? That's hilarious.

Oh, yeah. You have to blur it. There are decency laws. Okay, so this is some Japanese. I love how they, like, they'll rape a woman on camera, but you got to blur the dick. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh.

That's a shame. Okay, so he came in her mouth and she dropped it. They're like an elderly person eating y'all. Stupid scream. Okay, so that's disgusting and no one should want

to do that to anybody. Yeah, yeah. Now you have to watch everything. So dumb. She's just sitting there like, don't, like the whole time. Don't, don't. Right, right, right, right.

Call it Makihoju? Yeah. Is that what it said? Makihoju? Is that the Japanese what it said? Makihoju? Is that the Japanese term for it? Makihoju. That's the name of the porn star, I believe. Oh.

Okay, very exciting. All right. Good plug for Makihoju on this show. Yeah. Absolutely. She's going to be a big star. She's going to be huge. Everyone loves what she does.

Just keep being frozen in time and getting people to come in your mouth, and you'll make it. The way you just sit still, it's just captivating. Marcus, is there another news story? The Chinese government is working with police to crack down on so-called funeral strippers that are hired by families to attract large crowds. I saw this. I heard about this. Wait, what?

Funeral strippers hired by families at the funeral home? Yep. I saw this. I heard about this. Wait, what? Funeral strippers hired by families at the funeral home? Yep. State media have said burlesque shows at some funerals aim to draw more mourners and show off the family's wealth. In a practice that is infrequent, although gaining in popularity,

photographs of a dancer performing at a funeral in the city of Handan last month showed a woman removing her bra in front of onlookers, including children. That's the funeral strippers right there. I feel like I should start putting money aside for this now, just in case. So there will be a stripper at my funeral. Oh, there's definitely going to be a stripper at your funeral. Your wife.

Ben, that was really good. Thank you so much. So Ben, I heard you had a great joke about Ed and his funeral and his stripper wife. I did, Ben, I heard you had a great joke about Ed and his funeral and his stripper wife. I did, Ben. Ed, there's definitely going to be a stripper at your funeral. Your wife.

Kind of a funny joke second time around. It seems very New Orleans, like celebrating life. But I think they're just doing it to attract more women. It should totally be allowed. The Chinese are finally starting to get happy. Now, the Ministry of Culture... What have they done? The Ministry of Culture released a statement

saying it was working with police to stop the practice, which it described as, quote, obscene. The practice was thought to bring good fortune to the deceased person in the afterlife. I have no problem with it whatsoever, and I'll tell you, your wife's a stripper, Ed.

I like that Ed said he had to start saving for this now. Like, it's $300, Ed. You're talking about a layaway plan over the next 20 years? It's a cardboard box. I will put some away. Ed, your wife's a whore bitch. Gosh, that is funny. Eddie, Holden, I heard that you had a funny joke.

I'm from Delaware. Who are you? Simon. My name is Simon. Your name is Simon. What do you do, Simon? I'm a train. Good job.

Good, good. I was the Michael Myers Simon SNL sketch. Oh, yeah. Very good. I like to draw. Oh. I recognized it immediately. Yeah, as did I.

I heard you had a great story about Scientology. So I walked by the Scientology building. There's Tom Cruise and John Travolta fucking. And then they both sucked my dick. Isn't that something funny? You know, you got to be a real nice guy to stop fucking to suck someone else's dick. That's a good point. Tom Cruise does all his own stunts.

Isn't that something? Who knew, huh? All right, so strippers are in a good point. Tom Cruise does all his own stunts. Isn't that something? Who knew, huh? All right, so strippers are in a Chinese wedding. Yeah, it's actually, it really is $300. All right. Yeah. Specifically $322, you know, the yuan to dollar currency rate, if that stays in effect. That's it?

For the strippers? $322. That's not bad. Eddie, I'll get you the strippers, Eddie. I'll have Danny play in my funeral. He knows what he's doing. Okay. Have a good eye for strippers. You know, when there's death on the line, people

are a little more horny. Example, my dad was in the ICU, and we were all spending the night in the care room next door, and this one old man, he was a bug exterminator, and he just really wanted to have sex with me in that ICU unit. What?

Yes. Oh, my God. And he knew that your dad was dying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd it go, Amber? I did not have sex with him. You didn't? Did you yell at him?

No. I think I was still in, like, a sense of, like, my dad's going to die. Yeah, sort of like everything's shocking. This is actually a good time to talk to a gal. Vulnerable? Shocked. Anyways, I feel like I just took the fun to a screeching halt.

No, it's an interesting story. It's better than half the news stories we had. But could you make it a little less bitty next time? Take a couple punchlines out of that. What was the turndown? How did you say it?

How did you word it? I was just kind of like, my dad's monitor's beeping. I got to go. All right. So what did he say? Yeah. I'm really trying to remember. It was stuff like he was looking straight at my tits,

and he was like, do you want to go in the bathroom together? You were like how old? 17? This was like five years ago. Oh, okay. So I was like 25. Okay, that's in the bathroom together? You were like how old? 17? This was like five years ago. So I was like 25. So you were like 43. How did you know that he was a bug exterminator? He told me.

He was like in a sense of pride. He was like, I'm a bug exterminator. I'll take you out. I got a real job, baby. Why was he there? Was he friends with your dad? He had his ex-wife was in there. And she was filled

with bugs. She was filled with bugs. Gotta go fumigate the old wife. But she was gonna die soon, and her and he was no longer there, but it was like her kids from another new man. They showed up in their wedding dresses and tuxes because they got married.

And they wanted to come by and be like, we just got married. Oh, my God. And they just did like a little mock ceremony with her there. So they could see him. Yeah. God, what a horrible exterminator. I wish you knew his name so we could try to put him out of business. I mean, he's one of the best exterminators in the city, but, you know, kind of a bad guy, it sounds like.

Well, China's Central Television found large numbers of funeral performance troops operating in villages around the country. numbers of funeral performance troops operating in villages around the country, it singled out a group of burlesque dancers, the Red Rose Song and Dance Troupe. Just think, we're going to need more than one girl. Yeah. At the end of the funeral. Yeah.

Otherwise it's like sad. If you get three, three's a good number. Then it looks like they're starting a party. Yeah, yeah. Eight to ten high-spirited young ladies. Yeah. See, I'd rather a professional party girl than a stripper. There's a difference, man.

What is that difference? You know, a girl you pay to party as opposed to a girl that gets up and does the pole stuff and she doesn't want to party. As long as she takes her clothes off. Yeah. You want the one that's halfway in between a hooker and a stripper. Yeah. Yeah, where she'll hang out.

Yeah, but you pay her for sex. She's got a lot of fun stories. Mm-hmm. That kind of deal. That was like Ed's wife. Yeah. That dog pay her for sex. She's got a lot of fun stories. That kind of deal. Sounds like Ed's wife. Yeah. That dog. God willing.

God willing. That fucking dog whore. Kind of a funny joke. All right, so we're still on this. I went to the bathroom. I'm never going to get married now. Oh, you're not going to get, oh, now? Now, because of all these horrible things.

Yeah, did you say a bunch of stuff when I was gone? No, we were talking about strippers. Yeah. I love it. Your asshole stinks. Somebody on the chat actually brought up a pretty good point. You want a shots girl. That's what you want.

Yeah, yeah. Shots girl. There you go. Yeah, we could just get Amber. There's people. She only costs 20 bucks. How are the people on the chat doing? They're doing great.

What do they talk about? I don't understand this. They were just talking about if dead people can get boners. Are they even listening? No, I don't think that they should be. They have great topics on their own. There's one guy that's, like, super into you, Amber. Every time you talk, he's like, I love that Amber.

I think that's Butt Bag McButts that loves you. Butt Bag McButts. I love him. Good job, man. Oh, yeah? That's his real screen name? Screen name, Butt Bag McButts. I love him. Good job, man. Oh, yeah? That's his real screen name? Screen name, Buttbag McButts. If you would like to say something to Buttbag McButts, this is your chance.

All right, Buttbag. Thundercrab loves you as well. Oh, Buttbag and Thundercrab. Wait, Buttbag McButts and Thundercrab, I thank you so much. I am truly honored that people who like me are clever enough to come up with insane screen names. So, good job, dudes. Yeah. Ed met his wife at the slut store.

I love that joke. Yeah, man. Because it implies that Ed's wife is a slut. You know, it's hard to, like, even get invited to the slut store. It's a place, you know, it's a certain kind of joint. She's Italian. Hold it. I'm going to joke about how fat Ed's wife is.

Ed's wife is so fat, when she gets swamp ass, we got to call in FEMA. That's my joke. Oh, I love that joke. That was my joke. Thank you for telling me. Oh, my God. That's great. By the way, I would just like to say congratulations, Ed.

Thank you, Danny. I didn't know you got married. This is so wonderful. It is so good. And it's great to hear that she's a fat slut. Oh, my God. I always pictured you as one of those types. With a big butt that's always shitting.

Man, oh, my God. In your own mouth. In your own mouth, because it goes around. It goes over. You know what I heard, Eddie? It's like that Kim Kardashian picture, but backwards. Backwards? Yeah, it shits into the champagne bottle.

Into the champagne glass, and then she drinks on it. I love it. What's her name, Ed? What's her name? Susan. Good. Big, fat, beautiful. Big, fat Susan.

Big, fat, shitty Susan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big, fat, shit-covered Susan. You know, she comes brown. It's all connected down there, huh? Okay. So you're down there, and you see it, and it's brown. It's all connected down there. Okay. So you're down there and you see it and it's brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's actually like brown and like spider larvae. When you're eating that much shit every day, it's going to do something to your body. Yeah, yeah. Right. She doesn't squirt. She leaks. Kind of like a faucet there. Her vagina is sort of like a smoker coughing.

She's the kind of girl, every time she giggles, she pisses. A lot or just a little? She giggles a lot. A little bit, a little bit. You don't like the female pee-pee? Who does? You like female piss? No.

You looked at me like you did. Yes, you do. You've been pissed on. We've talked about this. You've been pissed on? I have never about this. You've been pissed on? I have never. Who the fuck likes piss, Ben? I never got it.

The Saudis caused 9-11. What? What? Okay, now we're talking about something real. Thanks, fucking God. You know what? In every hustler, they have a girl pissing. In every single hustler.

Yeah, she's on the move. It's so weird. It doesn't make any sense. And in every hustler, they never talk about Tower 7. They never talk about it. So think about that. What's the chat saying? They just showed me this.

Of course. Tub Girl? No, that's not good. Tub Girl is a classic. Yeah, that's right. Come up with a new girl shitting in her own mouth picture. That's sort of a Gatorade type thing. Or come up with a conspiracy theory porn.

All right, let's keep it classy. Let's move on. I don't want to do any more of the dookie stuff or the pee-pee talk. I'm over it. No one wants to hear about it. Are you sure? Yes. Because I just found a video called teen shitting in her own face.

You know what? I think you've seen it. I've seen this. It's tough to be a teenager. How have you seen this? You like it, Amber. You're into it. You've pissed on dude. We've've seen this. Oh, I've seen this. It's tough to be a teenager. How have you seen this? It's just... You like it, Amber. You're into it.

You've pissed on dude. We've all seen it. This was on like an old thing. But I don't have to look at it. It's right up there. It's so much easier for you to look at it now. Oh, she's got a huge asshole. Holden, just look at it.

That's because a lot of shit's coming out. Holden, look. Holden, look. Ed's not looking. I don't have to look. You know, uh... It's disgusting. It is easier for me not to look when it's up on the big screen.

But then I've got to pull a bat. You do the squirt stuff, Amber, right? It's fucking disgusting. No. You don't do it? I mean, I don't know. I feel like girls that squirt are crazy. Oh, okay.

All right. You think that girls that squirt are crazy? Yeah, I think they're crazy. The girls that squirt are crazy people. Why? How? I don't know. They're just crazy.

I mean, I like them. You're crazy. Numbers. I am crazy. But I still like them. They're just crazy. I mean, I like them. You're crazy. Numbers. I am crazy. But I still like them. Different kind of crazy. Yeah, different kind of crazy. Yeah, not all crazy girls squirt,

but all squirters are crazy is what you're saying. That's absolutely untrue. That's what she's saying. I know it's a lie. Name a sane squirter. Margaret Thatcher. Margaret Thatcher was like that.

I was a big fan of Margaret Snatcher. That's my fucking dog's name. And she squirts up a hound. Holy Lord. Super Duper Fucker on the chat said, all my craziest texts were squirters. Yeah, they're all crazy. Dr. Amber Nelson coming up with a beautiful correlation between squirting and bipolar disorder.

Love a good squirter. Feel free to come on over. Dan, you used to date a chick with bipolar disorder, right? You live in Los Angeles. She was crazy. And I live by the Scientology building. She's truly crazy. Yeah, I mean.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. No disparaging remarks about anyone, but I've dated a girl who was bipolar, a girl who was schizophrenic, and a girl who had borderline personality disorder. Why? That's all different people. You like to play nurse.

You know, I just think they seem to be attracted to me, and I like that. What's the best thing about dating somebody who is schizophrenic? You know what? The first couple of months are great. They're like perfect women, it seems like. And then slowly they start to hear voices and stuff,

and then she tried to cut me with a knife. Which disorder? What did you do to get cut with a knife? I told her we probably shouldn't hang out as much anymore. Oh, and then she cut you with a knife to prove your point. Well, I went downstairs. I saw her kind of crazily staring at a knife. And I was like, hey, why don't you hand me that knife?

And then she cut me with it. Wow. Where'd she cut you? On the hand. Wow. And then what? It was great. Did you hit her?

And then we got back together. Oh, my God, Danny, you idiot. I would marry her. I love her. I love her. Was she a squirter? No, you, you idiot. I would marry her. I love her. I love her. Was she a squirter? No, no,

no, not a squirter. Which disorder fucked the best? She was a herder. Uh, bipolar. Yeah.

Yeah, fucking A represent. They know what they're doing. Yeah, we're real good at fucking. Are you a bipolar? Oh, severely so.

How's it feel? Not severely so. Well, you didn't know me 10 years ago. Yeah, well, he's on the meds. Marcus is on a lot of medication. Yeah, I'm't know me 10 years ago. Yeah, well, yeah.

Marcus is on a lot of medication. Yeah, I'm on a shit ton of medication. Well, medication, yeah, but, you know, you're normal. You know, don't call yourself normal. Now he is on a bunch of medication. I mean, you are obsessed with bones. Yeah. Yeah, what was your thing?

There's always like a thing. You have to frame it like Byron. Marcus, I hear You have a story About bones Bones? And bipolar disorder Yeah you did a bad job

At it Ben I'm gonna go to the bathroom That's why Byron Allen Is 300 million dollars He has 300 million dollars? Uh Marcus Any other news stories? Uh yeah

We got one more A family in Kenya Is reeling in shock After it's cow cow developed a liking for flesh about a week ago. Mr. Charles Mumbleleo on Wednesday said he woke up to find the cow feeding on one of his sheep that it had gored to death. The following day it fed on another sheep, having given fresh fodder and water in its feeding trough a wide berth. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Wait, hang on.

We can't just go past the man eating cow? Yeah, Eddie, you were on your phone. I'm sorry. Well, just because I'm on my phone that you can't say something back? We all decided to give each other a look. Isn't that something, Eddie? Well, maybe you need to realize how important you are to the show. Oh, yeah.

Because it's like... Who was texting? Hollywood was texting? Was Hollywood texting? I was with my girlfriends outside. Your girlfriends outside. Let me bring her in. Bring her in, Eddie.

Bring her ass in. Bring her in, Eddie. Bring her fucking ass in. She's in the street, though. All right. All right, well, somebody do an impression of her or something so we can get a new start. Oh, my. Oh, my.

My breasts are out. My breasts are out, Eddie. How you doing, of her or something so we can get started. Oh, my breast around. My breast around. How you doing, baby? It's so nice to see you. I love you so much. Can you bring her and tell her to come back to the studio? She's not here yet. I'm right here.

That's so funny. Oh, God. I'm just happy for the people who are on the live stream Because this episode is not getting released What do you mean? Why not? This is good stuff Unreleasable You're unreleasable

You're unreleasable I was doing his character Alright you bitches want a segment So you'll get your fucking segment Danny now you did this show four years ago All right, you bitches want a segment, so you'll get your fucking segment. Danny, now, you did this show four years ago. How has it digressed? I think it's evolved greatly into a mainly Holden-starring vehicle.

It is. This is our gift for Holden. This is my Star Wars. Yes. All right, so we ask for a segment. This is my Star Wars. Yes. All right. So we asked for a segment. Once a week, we deliver a segment, right? The crowd asks, we deliver. Yeah.

Right? They're very popular. Before I even go on, I just have to say I really hate when really hot girls call themselves dorks. This is what? Okay. It's a pet peeve of mine. All right. So it's the summer, right?

Right. Summer fun, right? I didn't run this segment by you, Marcus, but I hope it works. All right, so it's the summer, right? Right. Summer fun, right? I didn't run this segment by you, Marcus, but I hope it works. We may have done it before, but it's one that you could do again. Okay. It's four years. We could start doing them over. And it's the summer.

Marcus needs to go on a vacation. Oh, man, do I? We are travel agents, and he's got millions of dollars. He's unlimited money to spend on this. Unlimited money to spend on the vacation. So it's up to you to decide what vacation you want to take him on. $8 million. Let's cap it at $8 million.

All right. Well, that's unlimited. Yeah, $10 million. $8 million. $9 million. Okay, $9 million. We got him up a little bit. That's a great travel agent right there.

What did you guys just negotiate? Huh? What was that negotiation? Nine million. Holden just got a million bucks out of Marcus. I got a million. You fucking sat there

like a lump on a log. Holden got a million bucks out of Marcus. I didn't know business was happening. I wasn't aware I was in the shark tank. All right.

All right. A lot of future millionaires in this room. Whatever. All right. I'm done with the whole goddamn millionaires in this room. Whatever. All right. I'm done with the whole goddamn thing. Ben's going to want to tag along, so the first thing's first. We take a million dollars, and we give him the technology.

We give him the Oculus. We give him the little boy porn. We give him the little boy asshole pocket pussy. Ben? Yeah. To get rid of him. He's going to want to tag along. That's going to be a million right there.

I want to hang out with you. Yeah, exactly. So we'll give him the thing. He'll go away. to tag along. That's going to be a million right there. I want to hang out with you. Yeah, exactly. So we'll give him the thing and go away. Cool. Okay. Number two. I'm gone. He's getting out of there.

All right? I don't want to be with you. I never wanted to go on the trip. We're doing. Yeah, you didn't even know where the trip is. You better call out for two months, dude. Two months? We're buying a fucking Subway franchise in fucking Oklahoma, dog.

Can I go with you? No. Subway. It's going to be with you? No. Subway. It's going to be a gas station rest stop subway. That's for the vacation? Subway sandwiches, dude. We're slanging sandwiches.

Can I mop the floors? We're meeting chicks. We're eating bush. We're fucking cutting bush. The land of bush, Oklahoma. Oklahoma, the land of fat bush, dude. So many hot girls in Oklahoma. Exactly.

You're like, is that a beard or is her pussy hair coming out her shirt? It is, dude. So many hot girls in Oklahoma. Exactly. You're like, is that a beard or is her pussy hair coming out her shirt? And it is, dude. It is. Her pussy hair's that big. It's fucking coming out the top of her shirt and covering her chin. It's fucking gross.

And we'll fucking chop it up and eat it up, man. We'll put it in parsley bits and the sandwiches and shit. We're hanging out two months in Oklahoma. Me and you. In the middle of the heat. Just me and you. We're chilling, dude. $9 million. We're hanging out two months in Oklahoma. Me and you. In the middle of the heat. Just me and you. Chilling, dude. $9 million.

You're going to work at a subway. $8 million because $1 million is going to the technology so you can be fucking the little boy plastic pussy. I don't want to have sex with the little boy plastic pussy. It will happen. Don't worry, Ben. If it's a gift, you got to use it. Look, I'm not going to use it.

I understand. You don't have to claim it on your taxes. I don't want to use it. I don't want to use the little boy. Of course you have to say that because this is the radio and you want to run for mayor someday. But that doesn't mean that we can't say ourselves that we're going to give them the technology. Rest 8 million. We buy the subway.

We hang out. Yeah. Chopping bush hairs. Slurring sandwiches. We're in Oklahoma. The tip. Where is that? I don't know. The're in Oklahoma. The tip? Where is that? I don't know.

The panhandle. The panhandle. There you go. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. I forgot how Oklahoma was shaped. So I was trying to think of that.

Yeah, pretty much. You know, if we want to take a vacation from our vacation, too. Because we're probably going to want to because we're up in the subways and all that fun. Oakland Raiders spring training, right, or something, or we'll just go to the stadium, break in, and fucking light fires in it and shit. Cool, cool. Sounds good, Danny. Very good. What are we talking about?

$9 million vacation for Marcus. Oh, God. And we can't do Subway franchise. I did Subway franchise. All right. Giant did Subway franchise. All right. Giant donation to Scientology. We join the Rehabilitation Project Force. We have a four-way you, me, Travolta, and Cruz.

Oh, all right. What level does that get you? What fate and level? You immediately go to OT4. Okay. Only four? Well, I guess I'll skip a lot. Yeah, you skip all the bad stuff.

Yeah. Cool. You skip all the bad stuff. Yeah. Cool. You skip all the bullshit. You go to the cool alien fucking shit. Yeah, then you see, what's the name? Zeeboo? Zinu. Zinu.

Yeah, Planet Zinu. Zeeboo. Sounds cute. But how fat is Ed's wife? We could tell jokes all day. But let's see here. Marcus, you're on a lot of medication because you have to fit into mainstream society.

Danny Solomon has to go. Danny, goodbye. You guys are all great. Love you, buddy. Love you, Danny. So what I'm going to say is, no medication. We're going to the middle of the woods,

and we're just going to live like wild savages, like wild human beings for about three weeks. We're going to eat whatever we want to, and we're just going to live like wild savages, like wild human beings for about three weeks. We're going to eat whatever we want to eat, kill whatever we have to kill, and just live how humans were supposed to live, truly relax. What about the money? Fuck the money. We burn the money. We cook up with the money.

We can go to Costco. Okay, cool. We'll spend $8 million at Costco, so you can imagine the amount of food, the booze that we can buy with that. We can buy a lot of Costco. Hammocks, everything you want, cool. We'll spend $8 million at Costco, so you can imagine the amount of food, the booze that we can buy with that. We can buy a lot at Costco. Hammocks, everything you want, tents. And we just go in, and we live in the woods for three fucking weeks, and we just, guns. Guns. We have a bunch of guns, a bunch of knives, kill all our animals, do whatever we want to do, and off our medication.

Great. Boom. All right. I actually. That's super fun sounding. You know what? That's really, that is truly a vacation from myself. I kind of want to do it in real life.

Really? We shouldn't do it. No, absolutely. No, we could do it. Eddie, you can come. It's very... I'm not coming. Okay.

Come on. No, no, absolutely not. Marcus, my actually, it was a little similar to Penn's, so I'm going to switch it up. We're going to send you to New Zealand. Okay. All right? You're going to go out to New Zealand, and what I'm going to do is I'm going to buy a Lord of the Rings castle for a month. Ooh.

And you're going to live in a Lord of the Rings castle for a month, but we're going to take care of everything else. It's not going to be Lord of the Rings castle. We're going to pretend like you're the king of England. And you're going to bring in people to be subjects and they eat chickens in the street and shit like that. Cool. And I can make decrees?

You do whatever you want but you can't kill them. You can't kill them. That's fine. But you can threaten them. You can slap them. You can fuck them. You can't kill them. That's fine. You can't kill them, but you can threaten it. You can slap them. You can fuck them. Okay. You can bite them. Oh, okay.

But you can't kill them. Okay. And, you know, then they'll serve you pig, and they'll put on little shows for you in your castle. I love pig. Yeah, and then whatever you want, whatever they got, as much as eight, nine million dollars we'll buy, we're going to have there. Because we're not

coming home with it, Eddie. Jesus Christ. We're not going to move on with it. This is good stuff. Okay. What's wrong with you? What do you not like about it? I didn't listen.

What's going on? Are you serious? I'm just shouting out to move on. What a bastard. What a bad giant bastard. You've gotten padded, host. Don't tell the truth, Eddie.

No. No. All right. No. I'm not going to deal with this. The internal monologue is just like, oh, me's not paying attention. I think me needs him to move on. Move on, Eddie.

Okay. You're done, Holden. I'm done, too. Eddie, continue. No, I'm done. No, he's finished now. We're all finished now. Move on, Eddie.

I mean, I don't think I need to top what I already gave. Okay, great. I'll do mine. So I won, Marcus? Singing sensation, right? You already did yours. We're going to go to Thailand. You already did yours.

That's correct. Okay, Marcus, who wins? I'm going to go work at Subway for a couple months. Fuck it. Yeah! It's been so long since I've won one. I know it's only because

there's three people here. You make money. You're coming home with money in pocket. You leave money. You make money. You bring money. You take money.

Reconnecting with the common man. Bing gets the butthole. Everybody wins. Yeah, right. And then this is a cash cow that's going to keep coming in.

Yeah, like your fucking whore wife. Oh, my God. God, I love that joke. Cash cow. That was funny. Guys, comedy, we're good at comedy. Very funny.

All right, well, that's this episode of Roundtable. Holden, you're here. Ed's here. I'm here. Marcus is here. We lost the rest of the crew. We lost our guests. Everybody, so they don't get any sort of acknowledgement that they were here.

No, but you come see us on Saturday night at 11 at the pit for ClickFest. Oh, yes! So May 2nd. We're going to be at the pit 11 p.m., right? Yeah, 11 p.m. downstairs when animals attack. We're going to show a bunch of animal attack videos.

Yes, and I want to say a personal thank you from Marcus and myself to Holden McNeely and Ed Larson for being the guests on the last podcast on the Left Live show. You guys were great. That was super, super fun. That was super fun. And if you did go to that show,

you can expect a similar hilarious experience on May 2nd. I'll tell you guys, there's a lot of cuties there. There really were. Yeah. I can't believe there was a track of women around.

Some girl was ready to fuck me because she thought I was Henry. Really? It was so funny. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, she's like. She thought you were Henry? She thought I was Henry, and she tried, and she was flirting with me. Really?

Yeah, and then she started calling me Henry and telling me she's been following my work. I'm like, well, you should follow it a little closer. Yeah. You and Henry could not look more different. Yeah, I know. TV and movie star that you could see the face of a lot. Right. That guy's work.

That is hilarious. Well, you should have followed through with it. Eh, you know. It doesn't matter. All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon, I suppose. Oh, follow us on Twitter. I want to plug my bugs.

Okay, plug your bugs. Plug a bug. Well, I got Grasshopper, and I got Little Cricket. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.