The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 244: Drain Dropped

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

It's a real milk heavy episode of Round Table this week as a woman tricks her roommates into drinking her foot shavings in their milk and a man throws milk on a couple of girls at the 14th St station here in NYC plus a bear buries a woman alive to eat her later. Joining us today: Josh Rabinowitz, Casey James Salengo, and Danny Tamberelli!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Everybody on the chat, holla at me. Potato toothpicks. No one's here for you, man. We have so many people here. No one's here for you.

Gunky punk did. Gunky punk, my fucking bro bro. That's disgusting. Holden, why are you profusely sweating? Natives for life. Check it. Like the 49ers?

I thought when I quit smoking, the sweat problem would be fixed. No. I was fucking wrong. No, it's in your glands. Yeah, why would you? That's not a side effect of quitting smoking. I convinced myself that everything would be solved by quitting smoking. Like, none of it was.

Smoking was the best thing about you. You got rid of one of your better qualities. I remember Danny and I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. We were sweating in that movie theater, man. Wasn't that a nightmare? Sweating in a movie theater? You go to a movie. I love a lot of beer, though.

I feel like beer makes me sweat. Yeah, I guess that was the truth. So if you stop smoking cigarettes but you're still drinking, then you're still going to be sweating, bro. Still going to be sweating. He's overweight. Yeah, you also got an awful body, man. It's your body. It's your sweat.

True, true. The way you live your life. It's my bad body. Davey's is the drinking. The moisture inside you figures is better off on the ground, man. I think it might be your smile. I think it's just disgusting. The pores of your skin omit

world's worst gravy. You sound like me right now. You're a greasy person. Your shitty hair. Thank you, Casey. Casey! Yeah!

Fuck your hair. Fuck your stupid hair I never looked at it so much Yeah it fucking sucks man How did I not notice before Your fucking back hair Your fucking pubic hair Your arm hair is weird

Big Kissel's fucking hair is less than satisfactory I like it it looks good on you I like my hair actually No he looks like a midern 40-year-old dyke. He's good. I have no problem with that. He smells like patchouli oil and he's got that

goddamn necklace that he's taken on and off. Yep. Go to see Dave Matthews baby shit right now. Oh, I love some DMV. Like a dyke Rob. Rob Lifford.

Okay, thank you. All right, so are we recording now a dyke Rob. Okay, thank you. Alright, so are we recording now, Marcus? Yeah. You have to pray. Everybody close your eyes for a guided meditation and don't fucking cheat. You fucking losers. Ed?

Ben is looking at me. He doesn't have his fucking eyes closed. I have to look at you. He's not going to do it, so just go anyway. Okay, you are on an igloo, you fucking twat. All right? He's being mean-spirited, though. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, Ben, it's the sounds of silence.

You've got to talk us to sleep. Sure, absolutely. Shh. Go to sleep before the show starts so you don't hear it. Please. You are now fucking Ed's father, and we don't know where the fuck you are. I think you've already done this. You've already done it.

We've done that already. I mean, it already happened in real life, so it's not like a fantasy thing. Ed's dad left him. He's literally just in an empty white room, looking around, confused. Right, right, right. Yeah, it barely exists. Fucking Hispanic woman. God, yes. I had a, right. Yeah, it's like barely exists. Fucking some Hispanic woman. God, yes.

I had a son once. Yeah. Yeah. Either way, Ed's dad's doing great. Ed's dad is a goner, dude. Yep, emotionally there. He's still alive, yeah. Yeah.

He's still around, right? You never, you could never know. Yeah, that's the thing. We'll never know. We'll never find out. He always has to track him down if he wants to find him for bad, it's never for a good reason. No, no. bad reasons. It's never for a good reason. No, no.

Drugs. That's right. Speaking of which, man, cocaine, man. Guided meditations, man. It's fucking groovy, bro. I don't know if cocaine is groovy. What I like is that, like, right now you're all my hostages. Is anybody?

Yeah, is anybody? And I just have you under my fucking control right now alright you don't any of us could break out you're in the movie the guyver that fucking movie sucks you're gonna sit there for fucking two hours and uh now we start the show right Marcus

yeah the guyver made in 1991 okay what was the main character's name it's the guy, you idiot. What's the Guyver? The Guyver? The guy in the bad guy is the Shogun. The Guyver and the Shogun? Whatever.

Sounds like a great movie. Is prayer still going on? I think it's still going on. No, we're still doing it. We're still fucking doing it. Good, great. Go on. Take us somewhere for Christ's good. No, no, we're still doing it. We're still fucking doing it. Good, great. Go on. Take us somewhere for Christ's sake.

All right. I want to give shout-outs now. No, that's not how it works. I want to give shout-outs to my neighbors. I want to give shout-outs to fucking... Meditation works. You don't shout-out to everybody. Oh, we have to go somewhere?

Okay, pack your bag, Ed. You're going to go to a fucking NASCAR race. Cool. Are you happy there? All right, now shout-outs. I want to shout out to... 5... Boom! Boom!

Exciting. 5,000 Naders going strong. Open your eyes. God of meditation. 5,000? No. 5,000 easily. No.

Easily. No. Easily. 100. We're having a meet up at McDonald's. I'll give you 100. That's being nice. We're having a McDonald's meet up in fucking three weeks.

All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Thank you. We're going to meet-up at McDonald's. I'll give you $100. That's being nice. We're having a McDonald's meet-up in fucking three weeks. All right. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Thank you. Welcome to meet a separate McDonald's. Way to end that, Ben. Yeah, very exciting. Everyone knows. Thank you.

Keep your eyes closed. Hosting is getting tight. Oh, yeah. So tight. And there's nothing tighter than this show. Nothing loose about it at all. People love to hear us talk. All right.

So, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, man. Fucking back. I got my fucking j talk. Alright, so Jackie, you're here. Yeah, man, I'm fucking back. I got my fucking jizzy. I'm really excited about this summer. You got your jizzy? What's a jizzy, Jackie? Yeah, man, I've decided to shorten it. It's my boozy water. It's my gin fizzy. I've started calling them my jizzies. Okay, but you do know that jizzy would imply that you're

covered in like a... So this is gonna fuck you in the mouth. Yeah, exactly. That's fucking awesome. I want to get fucked in the mouth by this drink and I want to smile while it's happening. I would say if you go around town asking for a jizzy, you might end up in a bathroom somewhere, getting gangbanged. Yeah, but I bet I'd get paid for the jizzy.

Okay, right, but you won't get any alcohol. That's a rough one. I imagine if you're going to ask for a jizzy, someone's at least going to put a shot of something in your mouth before they do it, right? Yeah, if they're good, I guess. They're nice. All right.

Eddie, you're up. I was also drinking with Jackie on the roof today, so I'm going to say, piggy, piggy, get a swiggy. All right. Piggy, piggy, get a swiggy. He kept saying it to me. Cooking some meat. Cooking some pork up there.

Me and Jack's hanging out with Doug and his brother. It was a very, you know, uneventful day. That's great. Well, I'm happy you guys got so drunk before we recorded. Hold Nader's hoe. I'm going to say close your eyes for guided meditation. Is it time for that? No, we already did that.

That's already been done. Casey James... Shut up. Casey James Salungo. Salungo. Hey, thanks for meeting us, folks. Oh, I think I said it right. Yeah, you probably did.

It's one of those made-up Ellis Island names. It is. So thanks so much for being here, Casey. Thanks for having me, folks. I said it right. You probably did. It's one of those made up Ellis Island. It is. So thanks so much for being here, Casey. Thanks for having me, folks. Good to see you. All right. From Kevin Barnett's one of, well, it's not Kevin Barnett's show, but he is. Well, either way, Josh Rabinowitz is here.

Josh, how does it feel to be on Kevin's show? All right. It's Josh's show. I know. A joy and a privilege. Josh Rabinowitz. Working for Kevin, what's it like? You know, he's like...

Yeah, what's it like, man? It's hard because it's hard to understand anything that he says that he speaks in riddles, so that makes it difficult to work with. So the assignments are difficult, but it works out. That's great. Well, thanks so much for being here, Josh. Kevin, let me ask you something. Josh is an employee of yours.

Yeah, yeah. What's the, you know, is he doing a good job? What's his, you know, what's his midterm report? Mostly, it's like, yeah, it's like, which is weird as an employee for me to have, but he just bothers me. Constant emails. I'm like, don't give a fuck about this shit, man. Let them say

what they're going to say in the script. Don't fucking change it anyway. Yeah, no, that's one of the best parts of working with Kevin is when he writes scripts, he doesn't care what's in them.

So that's the thing. Just a bunch of random shit that people will figure out when they're there. It's like a jigsaw puzzle and you've got to put it together. It's like, fucking stop emailing me.

Yeah, all words are the same words that Kevin is. And in the memo section of the checks he gives to Josh, It's like, fucking stop emailing me. All words are the same word. In the memo section of the checks he gives to Josh, the memo is just for bothering me. That's so nice. And what a job to have, Josh. You do a great job at it. I think I do.

That's good. Do you call him fat enough, though? Probably a good amount. Josh, do you want to call Kevin fat real quick? I think you're a little fat. Oh! I don't know. That was good

because it was sort of more personal and kind of low-key like that. Yeah, he said fucking... That was the real shit. Yeah. I thought it would be meaner. Kevin, do you want to fire Josh?

The thing is, like, I don't want to do any more work. All right. Well, obviously, Kevin Barnett's here. Danny Tamberelli is also joining us. Thank you so much for being here, Danny. Hey, my pleasure. You forgot that I was going to be here, I think.

No, I didn't. I emailed you. No, you texted me. Yeah, well, you know, that was a couple days ago. You made a Ben. And then, like, I just texted him to be like, hey, man, what's going on for today? And you're like, you're doing roundtable? And it kind of hurt, man.

Is that how you read the written word that I text you? You read it like that? That's your voice for me? Are you doing roundtable? You covered question marks. I could have read it a different way if I wasn't already feeling anxious and unnecessary. Danny, you're off the show.

Danny's a premier guest. He's off the show, so Rabinowitz, you're up. Casey, you're next. They were already on with Rabinowitz. He's got a lot more power since last time I was here. I think it would be important for you to apologize to Danny or as I like to call him, Dan Borelli.

Oh my god. Alright, so now with the news story. Oh, I've seen it. We also got Lupe live tweeting. Lupe's live tweeting. Danny, you're great. Lupe! Lupe! Lupe?

Lupe is batting third. Hey, Lupe! Okay, well, shout out to Lupe, Lupe is batting third. Hey, Lupe. Okay, well, shout out to Lupe, who doesn't have a microphone, but he's live tweeting. And we got a good hut, too, man. I already introduced the hut. No, I mean, we've got a sub-hut. We've an audience sub-hut. We never have ever announced the sub-hut.

I would like to take some time and announce the sub-hut. Marcus, let's get to the news story. Can I get a shout out to Lupe? No, Lupe already got a shout out. Lupe! Lupe! World's baddest boxer. Can we move on?

Marcus, give us a news story. A 250-year-old sex toy has been found by archaeologists during a dig of an ancient toilet in Poland. Oh, man, I always like digging with my ass. I don't disagree with that. In the sub-hut today, watching the show, we have from Murder Fist,

the greatest sketch group that's ever existed, Helen Maloney is here. Walter Rapogla and Amber Nelson. Thanks so much, Amber. And of course, from the Cowmen, an amazing rock and roll band. It has an album coming out very, very soon. Doug Austin.

Don't forget Jackie's boyfriend. You're going to say his name. You started promoting the album before you hit the name. I was going to go... You have no idea what you're doing. I will walk off this show so quickly. No idea how quick I'll walk off this show.

From the cowmen who have an album coming out May 31st. No, we don't. May 29th. Danny Tamberelli is here from that hit show Fred and Fred. He's younger Fred. It's the hair. The hair's making him a problem. That's when it got real again.

You're honestly upset about that, Fred. You had to go for that joke, man. Doug Austin is here. Doug Austin, the lead singer of the Cowmen. I told the girl on the train today she had a dog's face. It felt good. She was being a bitch. She was being felt good. She was being a bitch.

She was being a bitch. She was being a bitch. What was she doing? I was listening to my tunes. I was playing some solitary. She thought I was manspreading, I guess. And she hit my leg for me to close my legs. And then I gave her a look, and then she said something to me,

and I was like, you got a dog's face. All right, so let's address the issue of man spreading. Okay, there's a possibility that some men spread their legs too far on the subway, and there's no doubt about that. We have testicles between our legs, and it makes things uncomfortable on occasion. She was folding her legs over, and I tried to walk in front of her, and I purposely hit my leg, and I was like, oh, you stretched out too far. So you started out the fight. No, no, I finished it. I ran off the train before she could say anything.

The one thing that men will never do on a subway that women do is period blood on the seat. What are you talking about? You've never seen it, Ed?

I've seen it at least a dozen times. What? I swear to God. I'm with Ben. I am with Ben 100%. I look for it and I've never seen it.

Yeah, because they don't... You literally make women stop menstruating. That's how badly they don't have children when they see you. Can I have a personal Easter egg for each day, Ed?

Oh, man. I love Easter. Thanks for coming to my defense, though, Marcus. Nobody else goes around this world with in-tune eyes. They're too busy listening to rock and roll music, listening to random weed on their head. What are you, from Footloose? Whatever.

That's fine. Female period blood on the subway seat is more offensive than any sort of man. What? If I saw it, I'd be grossed out for sure. I just don't think I've ever seen it. I've seen it. I've seen shit graffiti. You ever seen that?

Graffiti made from shit? Shit or cum graffiti. What's your favorite? Oh, man. Cum you can't see. Cum's harder to do. Casey, I'll ask the questions here. Eddie, shit or cum graffiti?

What's your favorite? I like cum graffiti. Okay, very good. Cumfiti. Who already said cumfiti? I like cumfiti a lot. Well, too, because then I like cum graffiti okay very good confiti who already said confiti I like confiti a lot well too because then I like to think that they shot it

like it is oh yeah like they shot it and they drew it you know what it is yeah you shoot it on the wall and then you draw it

real fast that's probably what they do but I like to think that they moved their dick like a fucking pen shot it out it's like when you have like one of those yeah like a feather that. Shot it out. It's like when you have one of those

yeah, like a feather that you dip in the quill. Remember how peaceful and educational Top Hat was, Marcus? Yeah, it was. Different show. Very different show.

You guys want to hear more about this ancient dildo? Fuck yeah! I was about to do it! Get a mommy fucking suck on it! What hole does it go in? Whatever one you want. I got a few. The eight inch leather dildo Yeah. Give a mommy fucking suck on it. What hole does it go in? Oh, my God. Whatever one you want.

I got a few. Yeah, the eight-inch leather dildo with a wooden head. Leather? Yeah, leather eight-inch was discovered during an excavation at an old school of swordsmanship in the coastal city of Ganantz. Awesome. A spokesman for the regional office for the protection of monuments said it was found in the latrine and dates back to the second half

of the 18th century. They found it in the toilet? They found it in the toilet! He says it is quite thick and rather large, made of leather, and filled with bristles, and has a wooden tip that it has preserved

in excellent condition. It was probably dropped by someone in excellent condition. I love rice. It was probably dropped by someone in the toilet. Oh, I want Beyonce to buy it. Yes, that would be Beyonce buying it. I'm sure our bae will do it soon.

Do we know it's a sex toy? It sucks, man. How would you know? Do you guys want to... Okay, we've got pictures. Look up on the screen. It seems a bit like a torture object here.

No, it's got like... Look at the balls. The balls look like a handle almost. That's a dildo. Oh, a bit like a torture object here. Look at the balls. The balls look like a handle almost. It's clearly a dildo. Where's the wooden tip, though? That's a head. It's just preserved. If you look, there's definite bell there.

That's cock-like for sure. Man, I would rather have that than plastic. That does look like a thick vein. That could just be mud specules. I hope the retard digger found it. I found the dick! I found the dick! God damn it, Chunky.

Go back to the latrine. It's the dick! I found the dick! That sentence was so close to be the most offensive thing in the history of the show. Wow. That's it? That's the most offensive thing in the history of the show. Wow. That's it? That's the most offensive?

Yeah, it was, yes. That was pretty bad. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, dildos have been found in some form throughout history with upper Paleolithic artifacts previously discovered being said to be likely used for sexual pleasure. A 28,000-year-old phallus recently found in Germany is quoted as being the oldest known sex toy ever found. Wow, before Jesus. Long before.

26,000 years before. That's right. They got the Scheisse videos first. They got the dildos first. That's great. The thing is, though, you say before Jesus, but really that's all about before we knew about Jesus, he'd been there forever, man.

Hold on a second. This is a whole new... He was the first sex toy. Kevin's very religious. He loves Jesus. Yes. I don't know. I mean, he wasn't there before. How could he be there before? He was there before, man. Back when he was in egg form. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

20,000 years. Waited as an egg. Yep. Played by a fucking golden bird. They made that movie about him. It was like The Land Before Time or something. Yeah, right. Pete, don't step on a crack or you'll fall and break your back. Yeah, he was probably fucking Petrie.

Oh, absolutely. Jesus, definitely Petrie. Petrie was not a slut. She was a pterodactyl. Oh, I'm sorry. I get those two confused. I fucking hate Petrie. Why would you hate Petrie?

Hold on. I just want to slam Petrie's head against a rock. You mean spirited and awful? What happened? No, no. It's just too small. Too small to be a dinosaur.

It's just a small dinosaur. I'd fucking lick peanut butter at Petrie's ass. Okay. Really? So now, how much alcohol

did you guys have on this roof? I had beer. Jackie went for liquor. Oh. You mean my jizzies. This is the problem. You're right.

Your jizzies. Jackie switched to liquor trying to cut the calories. Now she's getting fucking hammered on fucking booze all day. It's not the calories. It's the sugar. It's the sugar. We'll go down that road right now. We're not going to go down that.

So Jackie, what do you think about the gal who had this dildo created for her? I mean, what a great time to be a woman. I just feel sad that she lost the toy. Right, in the toilet. I think she died. Yeah, she might have died on the toilet with the toy. You think it was an Elvis Presley type situation where he died with the banana sandwich and she died doing what she loved as well? I found an ancient latrine.

Well, let's look through it. That's ridiculous. No, latrines are... What a horrible job. You can find out plenty of stuff from latrine and garbage dumps

of ancient peoples. Right. Yeah, garbage dumps. That's where you find a lot of porno and garbage dumps. The leather was busted and the bristle

was popping out. Interesting. And they have no purpose anymore. It was just bad that's where that like veiny texture comes from. They said it was very expensive

because the leather was very high quality and still in pretty good condition despite being in a shithole for 250 years. That's so interesting. And the garbage dumps were really an interesting place because that's where Jewish individuals back in the day were forced to work, which is a true story. They would refurbish all the goods and then sell them back to people at markets. Sounds like a real fucking Nazi right now. No, no, that's a fact.

That's a fact. Markets, is that not a fact? That is a fact. And this is a point of pride for the Jewish people. So this is where the beginnings of business began. So there we are. Now that's... There you go.

Josh, what do you think about that? I thought, you know, all things considered, very sweet story from Ben. It was very sweet. Thank you so much, Josh. It was the sweetest way I think you could put a race of people collecting garbage and then to tie it to the beginning of business and to ancient dildos was a very sweet touch. Thank you so much, Josh. You're hired.

You know what, Kevin? I'm taking him. Can I leave? Of racist things said about Jews, it was one of the sweetest. That wasn't racist. You're fired, Josh. You're fired. We're going to watch your fire.

It's because he said Jewish individuals. Yeah. If more racism was like that, it would be great. I'm livid. I'm livid. All right. So this woman had a large dildo. Now, do dildos, how much, what I do love the most about this story is that people haven't

changed. No matter what technology happens or what different political situations might occur, at the end of the day, people are still trying to come. Yeah. And that's really the through line through all of you. Food and orgasms. Yeah, they excavated an old dump, an old Egyptian dump from pharaoh times

full of porn. They're fucked up, though. All written erotica. Interesting. Could you imagine dirty caveman sex? Just stinky fucking cocks. Yeah, well, ask your girlfriend about it. Oh! This is on the show next, Holden.

That makes me sad, man. Like, I go home, I want her to look at me and be beloved, you know? Right. Just because he's changed his diet doesn't mean he's changed his diet. So weapons are, weapons were always, technology was created for war reasons. And then, of course, food is just like kind of a fun food thing. But I would like to follow the history of weapons, dildos,

and like, you know, good different kind of stuffed crust pizzas. And I think they all rose together. I think so. I love stuffed crust pizza. Oh, I love it. That's the best part of the Met Metropolitan Museum. Stuffed crust pizza? It's the stuffed crust pizza next to the weapons.

Weapons fucking rule, man. They made guns out of elephant tusks and shit. It's fucking cool as shit. That's the best part of the Met. Everything else is boring as fuck. The furniture part is like They made like guns out of elephant tusks and shit. That is the best part of the Met. It's definitely the best part of the Met. Everything else is boring as fuck. It is a shitty place to be. The furniture part is like fucking... Why is there furniture?

Why are you showing me a floor of furniture? It's like an old furniture. So stupid. I get so mad at the Met. And the furniture is right next to the weapons. It's literally a room full of chairs. I think that they do it on purpose. And then people walk around.

And then you walk in the weapon part. You're like, oh, hell, it makes it better. Nothing's worse than people who stare at a chair for an hour, like, that's interesting. Go fuck yourself. Go get the stitching. Is it possible that this was secondary use as a weapon, or do you think a secondary use as a dildo?

Do you bring these into war? They did find these at a swordsman academy. Yeah, they found many other wooden swords What if it was 8 inches long? It was the handle It could be It had balls on it That could have been the part where the

Maybe it was just like Here's a different angle Oh alright It could be a handle Cause it could be like I'll kill you with my fucking dick Or maybe it was just like A really funny sword Yeah, yeah, yeah

A fun little prank They're all Polish, right? They're historically stupid people Well, it's certainly a deadly weapon If anyone's going to fuck themselves It's going to be a Polack Yeah, exactly Yeah, no one's made

A Polish dildo joke yet No one's made a Polack joke They put a screen door on it Ha! That's a funny joke They put a screen door on it. Ha! That's a funny joke. What a funny joke there. Put a screen door on their sword. That's exciting, though.

It would be nice to have a dildo that could double as a weapon, though. Don't you think, Jax? I mean, I feel like with that wooden head, you could probably thwack somebody pretty hard. Totally. I got hit in the head by a dildo and almost blacked out on stage. Almost passed out. Oh, yeah. Carly did it, too. Carly hit me in the head by a dildo and almost blacked out on stage. Almost passed out. Carly hit me in the head with a big rubber dildo.

She wailed you with that thing. They're more potent than you think. I saw all stars and thought I was going to pass out. Death by dildo. Not the way you want to go if you don't want to have a hilarious obituary. Fun to watch though. Blast. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. So we have the world's oldest dildo. That's so exciting. Let's move on to the next though. Blast. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so we have the world's oldest dildo. That's so exciting. Let's move on to the next story. Can you clean it off and use it or do you think it'll give a person an infection? I think you can clean off and use anything

as long as it's clean. But it will haunt you with a ghost. You put a condom on it. Yeah. Dip it in bleach. Okay. Yeah.

All right, next story. A Maryland woman is charged for allegedly tainting her roommate's milk with skin shavings from her foot. Oh, yeah. That's a good little prank, too. Sarah Schrock, 56, placed skin shavings from her feet into her roommate's milk.

Her roommate and another person took a sip of the tainted milk. This is from the police report. The victims poured milk, which had been stored in the home's refrigerator, into glasses to drink during dinner. After one of the victims swallowed some of the milk, she began to choke on a substance in the milk. She then coughed up the substance and discovered what appeared to be human skin.

The second victim swallowed some of the milk and also felt something in the liquid. Oh, did she drink it too? Yeah. She immediately... When I see someone cough on milk, I she drink it too? Yeah. She immediately When I see someone cough on milk, I don't then have a sip. Milk is drinking milk

at dinner. That's what I'm thinking. Milk for dinner? I drink milk at dinner. Dinner's nice. He drinks milk and milks at dinner. It's very decadent, but it's lovely. Is that whole milk, 1%? Whole, yeah.

Just a big bowl of spaghetti and a big glass of whole milk. That's what you eat? Yeah. He's a toffee. Thin on the outside, fat on the inside. Don't bring up toffees right now. What's toffees? Thin on the outside, fat on the inside.

Ah. Yeah, it's a toffee. You ever mix cottage cheese with your spaghetti? No. That's a family tradition that we do. It's fantastic. I do cottage cheese in the mac and cheese that I make and it's fucking outrageous. What is this, the Martha Stewart show?

Yeah, it's the fucking Martha Stewart show. Fucking Jackie. Cottage cheese. Yeah, fuck it. And Chris Codina on the chat says that his uncle always drinks milk with dinner. But he's a Vietnam vet who has no legs. He's begging for change in Union Square right now. That's what we're saying.

It's a Vietnam vet's dinner. You're a young man. Dinner's even debatable with that cut. Well, whatever. You guys want to see a picture of the foot-shaven milk woman? Yeah. She's a delightful gal. It's harmless.

I mean, we learned something here. You're going to shave your feet's skin and put it in your friend's milk. Chop it up. Chop it up. Chop it up. Yeah. Well, after pouring the milk through a strainer, the two people who drank the milk found what appeared to be skin shavings, and the roommate alleges that Shuck, who we just saw a picture

of, shaves the bottom of her feet and keeps the dry skin in a tray in her bedroom. Did she have a motive? Was there a motive for putting the foot shavings in? No. As far as I know, there is no motive.

I read this article before the round table, before Marcus introduced me to it, and apparently there was a long-standing feud, and this was a dinner where they were going to rekindle a friendship. And then she doubled down, and she was like, we will not be friends. Awesome. I mean, this is kind of a fun thing to do to somebody, I suppose, though, as a revenge to have them.

But it's a sloppy job, man. Like I was saying, I figure her logic was, well, I put it in the milk. The milk disguises the skin flakes because it's milk. But if you want them to eat it, you got to put it in the cereal. It still goes with the milk.

You know what I'm saying? There you go. Every food object has a pairing for a body part that you can put inside it. Right, right, right. You know what I do? I put it in the,

like, Parmesan cheese, the flaky kind. See, that's smart. Because it's flakes. It's's smart. Because it's flakes. It's already flakes. But it's chewy. Skin's chewy. So you got to put it in something chewy.

Yeah, but you know. Well, old dry skin. But I think she wanted them to know that they had drank skin flakes. If you put it in with the Parmesan, they're never going to know. Never know. Right, right, right. I put buggers in the beer. Oh, yeah. That's good to know. All put buggers in the beer.

That's good to know. All these beers we've been drinking. That's great. Thank you for telling us. This woman's getting charged with a felony. What? I want her to vote. This is fucked up. What is the charge?

Felony contaminating and poisoning food or drink. It's not bleach. I don't understand. and poisoning food or drink. It's not bleach. I don't understand. It's just skin flakes. It's not poison. If you can't die from it, it's not poison. She's got a fungus on her foot. If she's got no longer skin, then it is a fungus.

Or if she's got fucking AIDS on it. Oh, the old AIDS foot. Old AIDS foot. Yeah. Oh, man. I know that. That's almost as bad as new AIDS foot. New AIDS foot.

Yeah, just north of Connecticut. I love New Aid's foot. Josh, you're a bit of a germaphobe. What would you do? Would you freak out and call the police on somebody if they gave you skin flakes and a random beverage? No, I don't. I would just assume that it was bad. I don't think I would.

Even if I knew it was, it'd be such an uncomfortable conversation to have with a person to believe that it was. So you would go straight in. Yeah, I don't think I would, even if I knew it was, it'd be such an uncomfortable conversation to have with a person to believe with that. So you would go straight in. Yeah, I don't think I would. I would speculate for a while and be like, oh, I think they put skin flakes in my thing. You wouldn't want to be wrong. You wouldn't be like, hey, you put skin flakes. And they're like, no, it's just old milk.

And you're like, oh, okay, well, let's just keep living. Hey, I know this dinner was supposed to be us trying to become friends again, but did you put foot flakes? Right. I know the whole point of this is you're supposed to make a mess, but is my milk filled with your foot flakes? Just because I've noticed that you've been putting foot flakes in that tray.

And the tray is empty. Sometimes I look at that tray, and so when I poured the milk out, I was like, oh, that looks like that fucked up stuff from your feet. But you wouldn't do that, right? Oh, you didn't? Okay, cool. Not at the dinner room with Brits again. Oh, you did?

All right, I'm going to call the cops. I can't believe you would ask for that. Can you just use foot skin flakes for fish food? Yeah, sure. I don't think so. Clean your feet. Yeah, there's certain places where you go and you put your feet into a fish bath. Yeah, and they suck all the shit off your feet.

You've done it? I haven't done it. I was going to say, my college roommate had a pet egg. You know those pet eggs? Yes. My brother-in-law has one. Yeah, one time he was having a lady over, so I left it on his desk and I crunched up a bunch of saltine crackers. So it looked like he just had foot flakes everywhere.

It's a real mean prank. You got a real man. It didn't. I think he's like, oh, it's probably crackers, but they didn't fuck. I'm sure she bought that. I don't know.

Oh, it's probably crackers. Don't even buy that. I'm going to eat your pussy out now. Let's go. It's just me. I feel real bad about it. Yeah, that's great. I didn't get charged with a felony.

Did you not enjoy your college roommate? No, just a mean guy. Just like pranks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just having fun. Funning around. Much more serious now than it used to be. You're coming in shampoos and stuff like that.

All that's considered felonies. I agree with you, Eddie. This woman does not deserve to go to jail. What are you in for? You know, just having nice manicured, you manicured the bottom of your feet and then just a funny joke. Yeah, a funny goof. It's a goof. It's a goof.

I remember it like that. I mean, I'm sure she thought of it as a goof. When she was doing it, she's not bowing the assault. She's like, this is a goof. You've never been goofed? It just reminds me of the help in words I've seen at the end where the chick shit in the pie. She made the pie with shit.

And the thing is, it's incredibly upsetting in general when someone does something to you. And as much as I hate racism, that was goddamn diabolical. I didn't realize that. That's the conclusion of the movie The Help? Yeah, spoiler alert. Well, apparently I just gave it away.

Oh, he dumps it in a pie? You haven't seen it by now. You're racist. It's always like... Anytime there's a movie... You haven't seen it by now. You're racist. It's always like... Anytime there's a... Look, anytime there's a movie... I finally saw Selma last night, by the way. Oh, how was it?

Yeah, I learned a lot about it. What was the end? What happened? Pretty much, I think I got a hold on it all now. Oh, my God. If you learned anything from Selma, you've been part of the problem this whole time. I'll tell you what, buddy. You march.

You want to change it up. You go marching around. We just missed March. Oh, the month. I'll tell you what you gotta do. You gotta get on the streets. You gotta march. Holden, I am actually very interested. What are three things that you learned from the movie Selma?

Three things I learned from Selma. I'd love to hear it. First of all, he fucking admitted to his wife he was fucking slamming other beans yeah he was getting extra beans in the movie he does he admits it second of all I think it's a great

insult to our country that Martin Luther King is a British actor oh alright so that's all on you that's your personal opinion and Abraham Lincoln was an Irishman. What about the actor? Fucking hell.

That's why he was drunk all the time, and he got shot in the fucking head. Yeah, man. If he was an Irishman, he'd be paying attention when he's at the theater. He'd be like, oh, I love the fucking opera. Oh, I love plays and musicals. Oh, fucking Amber. That was his last words. Yeah.

So nothing. So there is nothing you learned from the actual movie. He's got one more. Yeah, one more. What's the third one? So right now he's upset because it's a British actor who played MLK. He learned that MLK admitted to his wife they had affairs. Neither of these are positive, by the way.

What was their opinion? The first one was a fact. The second fact. Well, we don't know if that's a fact. They marched and they got it done. Did they get it done though? Oh yeah. We have a lot of problems.

It's free. They gotta vote and all that. Who's next? Black people. Black people couldn't vote before Selma. They could but they wouldn't let them because they found loopholes and shit. Why am I sweating more right now? You really are sweating a lot.

I was fine earlier, now I'm sweating a lot. Who is Selma? I was not even watching. It's Selma, right? Was it from the Simpsons? I think it was an abstract. Selma is like Lady Liberty.

Oh, I see. Interesting. And then she went on stage and she got shot by the woman who is, oh, that's Selena. Selena, okay.

I'm all fucked up right now. Oh, I learned that Common looks good in a beanie. Oh. Okay. So you were just eight bottles of wine

into this. No. Loaded. And I just got a PS4, so all I wanted to do was play video games, but I had to watch a movie with my girlfriend, so I really was thinking about my blood-borne strategy.

Okay, good. But, alright. Fact two, they got it done. Fact three, um... Anti-gay. It's anti-gay, the movie. Oh! Lyndon B. Johnson said the N-word. Oh, yeah, a lot. Multiple times. Yeah, he was not afraid of that word.

Alright, so you learned nothing. He does. Absolutely nothing new. Our fucking president, Lyndon B. Johnson, said the N-word. Yeah, you don't think that a lot of presidents said the N-word? That was like the climax of the movie, bro. Bill Clinton has definitely said it. You think? He's from Arkansas. In a fun way, though. No, in a racist way.

Well, it's hard to say that it ever isn't arguably a fun way. Even if it's full-on racism, it's gotta be fun to just be that freak. Alright, well, I was holding straight out of the movie cell. I've been listening to a lot of Da Lynch Mob lately.

How's that going? It's very N-word heavy. Okay. Alright, well well let's not have you regale us with any of those lyrics. What's your favorite song by them? Gorillas in the Mist. Okay, yeah. That's a good-ass fucking song, dude. Let's fucking listen to Onyx after this.

I saw them recently. It was awesome. It was at Whiskey A Go-Go in LA. Onyx played. I had such a wonderful time. They've got to be in their 50s now. They have not slowed down a notch. They were partying. What is their act? What's the Onyx song?

It was Slam. A lot of times in a row. That's it? Slam. Back the fuck up. Throw your guns in the air. That's right. Good stuff.

Throw your guns in the air. And wave them like a just a... It's so much fun. I mean, to some degree, I just don't like those musicians who are like are you trying to get me to exercise you know jump around yeah i'm no i'll sit you know you just do you but either way it was an all-white crowd and they were mosh pitting it like and they were all over 30 so like no it was like the most polite mosh pit i've ever seen oh yeah you got i just short of it was great the mosh pit great pit I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. I just shored him. It was great.

The mosh pit, what is it, 12 to 19 or so, right? A good mosh pit? I mean, you could do a three-person mosh pit, I feel like. No, I know, but I'm talking about the ages. Oh, age range. Yeah, because you- 12 to 30, I'd say. 12 to 30?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to agree with that on this one, yeah. Yeah, whoever gets in, gets in, man. I was over 30 in a mosh pit. I went to see the big four. You see any 12-year-olds? Yeah, I saw some 12-year-olds. You hit them?

I saw people who were older than me, too. No, it was California. They do weird shit over there. The East Coast is much more aggressive. West Coast, they do these stupid circle pit bullshit. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're like, we're just dancing in circles and we'll push you. I tried to mosh pit so hard

when I was in eighth grade, ninth grade, and then I just became far too large. So then I became the bumper. So everyone would just bump into me a bunch and I'd throw them back in. Right. That was my job. No, I wasn't allowed.

I mean, it wasn't that I wasn't allowed. I was just hurting people. And they were like, we're just trying to violently hit ourselves, but you're too big. And so then I had to sit. I was just, I was hurting people. And they were like, we're just trying to violently hit ourselves but you're too big. And so then I had to sit. I think I might have told that story

of like, it was like senior year of high school and it was like me and my Mexican friend Juan and there was like this mosh pit going on and we were like

in the middle of it just kind of like danced a little bit bobbing our heads. Everyone's getting fucking violent and cops come and pull us out

because we were the only people that weren't white. We were causing a problem and we us out because we were the only people that weren't white and said we were causing a problem and we had to fucking sit on a bench for two hours until it was over.

Oh, that's so sad. There's a very interesting video online right now. It takes place in the same area of town between a white guy and a black guy carrying an AK-47.

Different experiences. Yes. Definitely want to be white doing that. Definitely. Much easier on you. How many presidents do you think said the N-word? Every single president.

I will say this. I bet you Obama said it the most. I bet you Obama said the N-word the most. I'm pretty confident in that. I'm between him and Andrew Jackson. Yeah. Oh, my God. Both for good reasons.

Both of them for good reasons. Yeah. Of course, Nixon, you know. Yeah, Nixon a lot. A lot, a lot. Yeah, a bunch. A bunch. The first podcaster ever, Richard Nixon. I think Nixon definitely holds the ranking for dyke, though. Oh, and

another negative anti-Semitic words. Holy lord. Oh, yeah. He loved everything that rhymed with Ike Eisenhower. Heemitic words. Holy Lord. He loved everything that rhymed with Ike Eisenhower. He loved it all. Holy Lord. All right. Story out of Russia.

All right. Yeah, a woman was attacked and buried alive by a bear in Russia. Yeah. That's news. Yeah, that's totally news. Of course that's news. That's great news. That was a day to day

The bear was trying to get its Russian mafia pin Or new tattoo How do you tattoo a bear? You shave it first And then you Fast is also a good way to do it Casey, you missed it Someone in Russia

A woman was attacked And beaten and then buried alive by a bear. The bear buried her alive? Yeah. How'd he do that? Well, Natalia Pasternak was collecting birch sap with a friend. Please say that name. Pasternak.

She was collecting birch sap with a friend in a forest in Siberia when her pet began to bark. The bear was reported to have first targeted the dog before attacking the 55-year-old woman, causing serious injuries to her stomach, legs, and head. Apparently, in an effort to hide his prey to eat later, the wild animal then covered the mother of two with soil. Her friend managed to escape and call emergency services. Police and experts arrived and shot the animal. A female, estimated to be four years old,

before finding the woman buried but still conscious. According to the Siberian Times, the woman asked her rescuers, have you killed the bear? Oh, man. How deep. How did she survive? She survived, yeah. She just got off of a ventilator, in fact.

That's embarrassing, though. You let yourself get buried alive. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Fuck! Yeah! That's embarrassing though You let yourself get buried alive It's embarrassing It's embarrassing Fuck Yeah No that takes a fucking while For the bear to be like Covering you up With dirt and shit

Yeah But the bear's Gored out her stomach Like her legs She must have done Something bad to Poon Literally She should have

Fucking birched that Like Poon's got like You know he's got All his cronies And now he's working on animals. He'll never tell. He can't speak English. It's her fault. What about her picnic basket?

How's that? It's still in the tree. It's fine and the park ranger is okay too. Thank God. Who's the bear? His ass got bitten out. It says police and experts arrived. Can I pick a Nick Baskett?

Wait, is that your Yogi Bear impression? I didn't realize that was coming out. That was awful. I know. I've never tried to do it before. I've never? And I'm never going to try to do it again. Ooh, my people, Nick Baskett.

Da-da-ba-boo. There we go. I'm sorry, guys. Geez. That's all right. Give me a second. I'm never going to try to do it again. Ooh, my people look best good. Da-da-ba-boo. There we go. I'm sorry, guys. No, it's all right. Give me a second. I'm upset. You know what? I'm like a fucking old car.

You know, it takes a minute for me to start up and get going. Yeah, we're going to rip you up. We're going to get you warming. Two jizzies later, I'll be revved up. Did it say how deep it was, though? Was there like your head popping out like a fun beach thing? It doesn't say the depth. It doesn't say the depth. It doesn't say the depth, but

you know, I'd like to imagine that the bear had a hole. It's gotta be a shallow grave. It's gotta be a shallow grave. And let's say shallow grave, yeah. Did it kill the dog as well, or did she succeed in saving the dog? It just says that it targeted the dog first. Russian reporting

is not top notch. They don't go in for the details. Oh, Siberia isn't known for its publications? Women have dogs. Bear hate dog. Woman in ground. Me smile.

More tonight. Did he use a shovel or any sort of other construction equipment? Alright, let's see here. She was a post office worker. That's fun. construction equipment. Right, let's see here. She was a post office worker. That's why. Again, go back to Putin, man.

Something's going on. They shot the fuck out of this bear. Yeah, check it out. I got pictures of the dead bear. It was a small bear. Smaller bear. Tiny bear. Four-year-old bear. That's a woman. No, they's a woman. That's the arms.

Yeah, that's her. She's out. No, it's legs. Wait, I don't understand. Is that how... That's a poor bearing job. Covering her face. Yeah, that's the arms. Yeah, they're covering her face.

It's arms. They took pics before they unburied her? Oh, look at you. Actually, yeah, they did. They took a picture of her before they saved her. She's not really buried as much as there's just leaves on top of her. She looks pretty buried to me. Oh, buried.

Another one. Do you think he did it with his bare hands? Come on! He had no choice. He had no choice. I don't want to step in. It was a grisling discovery. Very polarizing time. It was a gristling discovery.

Very polarizing time. Polarizing? Oh, like a polar bear. Or in Russia, there's polar bears. She shit herself and, you know, brown-beared. Is that what it's called when you take a dump on yourself? Brown-bearing yourself? That's what I call it. Oh, okay.

And Ed likes to brown bear on Tuesdays. Oh, my Lord. I brown bared on a Sunday this week for an extra. Yeah. Today's Sunday. What do you think he's been doing for the last five minutes? Believe me, I know. Oh, classic.

Speaking of which, you got a big bearish Native American shirt on right now. Yeah, I have the same shirt on. Me and Kissel both own this shirt. Yep. And the shirt you're wearing I also own right now. This is very interesting. I've got to change the way I dress. Oh, you have to change the way you dress.

Yeah, you're the one with all the stupid shirts. Oh, thank you. That's very nice. And it's shirt talk here around Table of Gentlemen. I love shirt talk. Oh, my God. I'll tell you what about my shirts. They're big. What are your shirts

dealing with right now? Oh my god. They're filled with stress. And they're wet. Where did you get that shirt? I got this from an Indian in Venice Beach, California. It's from themountain.com. That makes a lot of shirts like this. Well, they bought

it from the mountains and they sold it to me. Isn't that fun? Jackie, how are you feeling? What's going on with you? I feel great. You feel good? Yeah. Why? You look terrible. Do I look bad? I don't sound as bad as you. We're just checking in with everybody. Okay, yeah, I'm great. How about you?

How are you doing? I'm good. Are you sure? Oh, yeah, I'm alright, How about you? How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. Are you sure? Oh, yeah, I'm all right, man. How's Dan over there? Danny Tamberelli? I'm doing okay. I'm doing all right, yeah. I've had a couple clunkers today, but I'm fine. You've had any clunkers?

Everyone has. It's okay, no, Jackie's caught on. I feel bad. I just cut Kevin off. Kevin, you were explaining how you were doing. That's fucked up. You know what? I'm sorry that I just cut you off as well, Kevin. Kevin, it's your you were explaining how you were doing. You know what? I'm sorry that I just cut you off as well.

No, no. Kevin. Kevin, it's your turn to say how you were feeling. Josh, how you doing? I'm fine. Pretty good, you know? All right. Oh, is this therapy corner?

Kevin, you're up. What? Hi. How you doing? Yeah. You doing good? Casey hasn't said much. Casey, you okay?

I'm feeling good I hope I'm not I'm trying not to talk too much I think you guys are all fine I think there has been a little bit too much talking over each other Lupe

Lupe Lupe thumbs up Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe

Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe

Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Lupe Live tweeting the show is getting paid 50 cents an hour

Well alright Lupe Rodriguez Just like his people. That's actually not correct. Lupe is actually German. I'm German descent. Little people know that. Really?

Lupe Rodriguez? Yes. He is a very... Lupe, if you would like to come over to my microphone. He's Hungarian. Hungarian. Goulash lover. I'm a little Hungarian myself.

I can't wait to get out of here. Yeah, I'm Hungarian. He rubbed his tummy like a bear. What is it with you and these stupid fucking puns today? They were drinking on a goddamn roof for three hours. That's what happened, Marcus. It's the highest form of comedy. I don't know if you guys know that.

It just means he's smart. We've got to get that camera. We have to have people see how Ed looks when he laughs. It's a good laugh. We've got to get these cameras in this room. It's usually big. All right. Yeah, and it's bad.

So a bear buried a woman, and the woman's okay, and the bear is dead. That's right. We can do a local news story before we get to our segment. Oh, nice. Yeah, a man threw milk at a 22-year-old woman. What did he throw at him? Milk. Milk. Milk. Oh, nice. Yeah, a man threw milk at a 22-year-old woman. What did he throw at him? Milk. Milk.

Milk. Oh, all right, bagel. Oh, he does say bagel. That's so fucked up. He says bagel, and he can say milk if he wants to say milk. Mel, first of all,

how do you... I say bagel. You say bagel. Yes, it's bagel. It's bagel. That's exactly what I say. And you just made fun of Marcus, and I feel you have no reason to.

No. How do you say it? Bagel. Bagel. Bagel. There is zero difference the way that I say it. Bagel. It's wrong.

Kevin? No, I mean, it literally makes me itch every time. Bagel. Bagel. Bagel. Bagel. Bagel. Sounds like you're missing out on some bagel.

Kelly Maloney's here. How you doing, buddy? You feeling okay? Lupe Rodriguez! All right, Kevin,. How you doing, buddy? You feeling okay? Lupe Rodriguez! All right, Kevin, how are you doing? Third base for the New York Mets, batting fourth, Lupe Rodriguez. The only man with two first names batting today. It's because you have a hat on.

Yeah, and fuck the Yankees. No one likes the Mets. I love the Mets. I'm a big Mets fan. Are you? No, they were doing good. They lost five in a row. They're back up now.

They won two again. That's great. Two and five. The Mets are having a winning season. Six and seven. We're saying numbers, right? Four and two. We're talking about a sports team's record.

20, Jackie. You don't even know. Six and on two, nine. Are you guys going to do sports radio now all of a sudden? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you Colin Cowherd? They're winning. Seven to four.

Pigeon to seagull. That was on the number. Okay, milk. All right. What about milk? Yeah, milk. Plenty of milk. There's some milk in this episode.

Yeah, this is in Chelsea. Is it about Harvey Milk? Milk. No, it's not about Harvey Milk. It's about getting milk. Yeah. Harvey Milk was a gay man. I miss milk.

He was a homosexual, yes. What do you know about Harvey Milk? He marched about getting milked. Yeah. Harvey Milk was a gay man. I miss milk. He was a homosexual, yeah. What do you know about Harvey Milk? He marched and he made it happen. Really? You don't know the word march? Every civil rights leader, that's what you think. He marched and made it happen. March, make it happen.

Right. Step one, march. Step two, make it happen. Okay, good. Good, good, good. Wow, I'm so happy Hollywood made Selma to educate people like you all day. That's the thing. It's just if you're going to name a movie a fucking woman's name, put her in the movie.

Yeah, or at least show her tits. At least show her tits. The whole time I'm like, this fucking movie is titless. I thought that's what you do when you march. Don't you show your tits when you march? That's how you make anyone listen. I made my girlfriend take her shirt off and have her tits out while we watched it just because the whole movie didn't have any. So there's no tits in the Martin Luther King movie? No tits out while we watch it just because the whole movie didn't have any. So there's no tits

in the Martin Luther King movie? No tits. Then why watch it? He was fucking smacking everybody's bean. Honestly, I didn't go see Selma and if there was

some tits in Selma, I would go see it. Not saying that I don't care about black issues, but the thing is, every civil rights movie, you know it's going

to be the same thing. You're going to be sad for a little while you'll be like that ain't right all of a sudden people gonna start walking and then

at the end it's ultimately a triumph every single one who did it it's beautiful man March make happens so what's going on milk a man threw milk

at a 22 year old woman and her friend in Chelsea because he believed they were taking pictures of him but they were actually taking selfies the woman told police that she and her friend were taking photos he believed they were taking pictures of him, but they were actually taking selfies. The woman told police that she and her friend were taking photos of themselves on a subway bench of an A-train platform in the 14th Street station at about noon on May 8th.

Suddenly, a man described as 45 to 50 years old with long, straight blonde hair and brown eyes started cursing and yelling, stop taking pictures of me, before throwing milk at the pair. No one was injured. Police searched the area, but did not find the perpetrator. Why was he drinking milk on the train? That is a disgusting thing to do. That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of.

Maybe he was eating dinner. I mean, I totally justified it earlier. He was eating dinner on the train. Can we come to the defense? Nice cold glass of milk. Yeah. Milk and meatloaf. Can we come to the defense of this man, though? The only people who would be taking selfies on the train are tourists. I'm on a train. No, or bitches.

Who's taking selfies on a train? Hit him with some milk. Every single, hit him with some milk. I think, I mean, obviously this guy didn't understand the concept of what a selfie was. He didn't get that the camera could be turned inward. He obviously thought if they were having the camera up facing him, they must have been taking a picture of him. But these women were doing something that was unbelievably aggravating,

and at least he had a proactive position about it. I love that he didn't get found. That's a good part of the story. Well, he didn't even really do anything, you know? And I love that in the article they clarify that no one was injured, which is a strange thing. No shit! I'm not like, oh shit, were they injured? They don't even sell milk in glass bottles anymore.

Well, he was drinking that knife milk, so that's fine. I feel like if you're drinking milk in public, you're just waiting for someone to fuck up so you can throw it on them. I agree, as you should. I'm surprised at how many people still drink milk. Man, I love milk. I don't know why you're surprised that people drink milk. I love milk. It's delicious.

You can't drink milk because of the sugar, though. I'm taking vitamin D pills now because the doctor told me we're not drinking milk as much as we should. You don't get enough vitamin D? You're not supposed to drink it. You're supposed to only drink the milk from your baby. I saw a chick on the train today sitting down with a bike, taking up all the seats.

What a piece of shit. What a fucking piece of fucking cunt garbage. Throw milk at her. Whoa, whoa. Take it easy. Hey, what if that lady who put the foot shit

in the milk was reading this article? There's a lot of milk He's upset about that? I think she said that that guy got away, Scott Free, and now she's facing jail time.

Well, she had to chop up the skin flakes. Well, he just threw milk. He didn't put his skin inside of it. What would the crime be? Like, you throw milk on someone. What's that? I think they would have charged him with felony assault.

That's not assault. They would have charged him with assault, Eddie. No, it's not. Yes, they would have. No way. It's not, but that's what they would have charged him with. Absolutely. Throwing milk is like...

If he's drunk, he's going to property and he's been made an assault for spitting on with. Absolutely. Throwing milk is like... If he shrunk the disruption of property and ever made it a soft for spitting on someone? Absolutely. And if it's skim milk, he's looking at five years. If it's whole milk, he's looking at 20 years. I'd rather hold it.

10% milk is 10 years. 15, you know. Throw whole milk on me. You get probation for skim milk because it's not that bad. Eh, you know, it's a little bit lighter. What's soy milk?

Oh, soy milk. Can't waste it. You can't waste it. Exactly. Then the woman marries you. You throw soy milk on Oh, soy milk. Can't waste it. You can't waste it. Exactly. Then the woman marries you. You throw soy milk on a chick on the subway in Williamsburg? That's your wife. You guys heard of this almond milk bullshit?

It's all bullshit. Too much water. My girlfriend always gets it, man. No, she's paying too much. She's got to make it her own. Yeah. It's draining California dry. I like that.

No, it's not. That's friendly to me. That's a friendly fact for me. California's not a penis with balls. It's a different connotation of using... Why would I think California is a cock and a balls? Because it's getting drained dry. Oh, milking it up.

Milk. Milking out the drain dry. Milking out the drain drops. You're a terrible person. I did it completely. Doesn't mean that I'm not afraid. California earthquake the drain drops. You're a terrible person. I did it completely. Doesn't mean that I'm not afraid. California earthquake happened to it. Make a whole state

disappear. Josh, when was the last time you got your milk drain dropped? Josh, when was the last time you bought almond milk? That's what he's asking. Last time I bought almond milk. I swear to the Lord! Almond milk! I's what he's asking. Almond milk? I swear on the word! Almond milk! I know what to say. I just said,

pour some almond milk on my bagel. Can you please pour some almond milk on my bagel? Oh! He couldn't do it. I mean, was like really close Very close thank you

I can't believe you got such a big reaction That's such a horrible sentence Thank you Josh the question is When was the last time you bought almond milk I don't think I've ever bought almond milk When was the last time you got your fucking milk drip dried What was it

Drain dropped It's a suck out, right? He's got a girlfriend that he loves. He's not going to answer that question. When are you getting married to her? I'd rather talk about when you got drain dropped. Well, alright. We're going to ask one of those two. Who had the choice?

When's the last time you got drain dropped? When's the last time you were getting married? When you put the ring on it. When's the last time you got sucked? Suck dry, though. Not half dry. Drain dry. I'm going to ask the questions here.

When was the last time you got sucked, Josh? I had the choice between that and the married thing. No, now it's just the sucked. No, he has the choice. Give him the choice. Except for Selma. Oh, wait, this could be a big announcement. No, he has a choice. Give him the choice. He's up for Selma. All right. Oh, wait.

This could be a big announcement. Glory. Shut up, Holden. Talking about the glory. Holden, shut up, Josh. The last time I was... Train dropped. Train dropped.

Yeah, be polite, man. Jesus. She's a lady. You know, the funny thing with questions is that sometimes when you're in a room and then everyone, you feel like, oh, you should answer it because you're like, oh, everyone will laugh. But then you're like, oh, there's no advantage to that.

So you're saying you don't remember the last time you got drain dropped. I just think that a good woman drain drops a man two times a week. Well, she has a great life. Five times a week. I just think that, you know drain drops a man two times a week. Well, she has a great life. Five times a week. I just think that, you know, I hope everybody gets drain dropped and has happy marriages. And, you know,

I think that that's really the moral of it all. That's beautiful. The meaning to the question. If my girlfriend doesn't drain drop me at least twice an hour, I start crying. Right, right, right. She's like that.

Casey, when was the last time you got drain dropped? It was about three weeks. Very good. That's harsh. Not great, dude. At least it was an answer to your question. Josh, I'm sorry. You were poor at it.

Oh, I thought I got away with it. It was a politician's answer. It definitely was. He had it just through and then he got me. I'm sorry. I'm pre-coming right

now, man. It's been too long. Just talking about it. That's great. I don't think anyone on the chat has been drain dropped recently.

I asked him who was the last to get drain dropped and nobody's given me any answer at all. Go figure. They all scream for Holden and they can't get laid.

I thought for sure. You nailed your demographic. Isn't that something? Omar said that he cleans the pipes daily, but that doesn't count. He drain drops himself. You can't drain drop yourself. Someone else has to be involved. You gotta call in a yourself. Someone else has to be

involved. calling the service. Yeah, it's like if you plug your own toilet and you

unclog it, you're not a goddamn plumber. Yeah, your hand is just a plunger. Right. That's a great

analogy. Thank you so much. So Omar got drain dropped a week ago. Omar got

drain dropped a week ago. He says he met a girl on Tinder a week ago. Gunky Punk says a week ago. He says he met a girl on Tinder a week ago. Gunky Punk says that he can't get anybody to drain drop. I am. Gunky Punk.

Oh. Gunky Punk. Oh. Gunky Punk. You get all my fucking love. So he's all gunked up. As soon as he's fluid punk, it'll be all good. It's never going to not be funny and incredibly sad to just never fuck.

There's nothing that's funny. I'm not fucking that. I like to go out into the world where there's so many people. And not one of them wants to fuck you even once. What's coming from me? It's just hard to even understand. It's very difficult out there. We don't even know. Maybe Gunky Punk's five years old.

All right. Okay. How old are you, Gunky Punk? Oh, well, no. You know, Gunky Punk just wrote, ho, that's why

Gunky Punk's not getting fucked. He's not getting drain dropped. Loving my naders. God, you're still sweating so much. So much.

So much. I'm up to my ankles in it. Yeah, man. Free hugs after this. Oh, God. I'm sweating to my ankles in it. Yeah, man. Free hugs after this. I'm sweating good. This is my workout. Once a week, I come in here. I got a fresh line of paper towel

undershirts that you should invest in. That's a really good idea. For hand-movable paper towel shirts. What are you doing? Are you taking pictures of me? What the fuck is this? I'm going to send this to you. Send it to the chat.

Cool. You are so fat. It's so ugly. All right. Cancel. Don't be. Just because Kissel was fat when he was a little kid and he's not fat anymore. Well, he still is fat.

He doesn't look good at all. He's just so fucking tall. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it all stretches out. I wouldn't be fat if I was 6'7". Absolutely. No, he still is fat. He doesn't look good at all. He's just so fucking tall. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it all stretches out because he's tall now. I wouldn't be fat if I was 6'7". Absolutely. No, me neither.

I'd be fucking so thin if I was 6'7". That's why you're drinking your jizzies, girl. Yeah, man, I got my jizzies, son. Drinking your jizzies. I got my small pants on. But if your breast gets smaller,

I'm going to be fucking mad and sad about it. That's all I've got are my breasts. So I'm hoping, I'm going to be fucking mad and sad. That's all I've got are my breasts. So I'm hoping I'm going to keep I'm going to keep stuffing it with pork fat. So I still smell like a piggy, but I'm drinking my jizzies. Oh, my goodness. All right. So that's great. So everything that we've said on this show is really powerful.

Yeah, we're powerful people here. Powerful. Is this the epilogue of the show? I'm so happy about it. Alright. Well, Ed is gone. That doesn't matter. We can still do the segment. No, we cannot do it without Ed.

He's going to be right back. It's going to take a year and a day to do the segment because the round table is big today. Okay. Okay? All right. All right. Okay.

What is this segment? So what are we going to talk about in the intro? What is this segment? Oh, yeah. It's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Thank you, Marcus. Thank you. Okay.

Segment today, create your own astrological signs. Oh, shoot. My astrological sign, I don't like it. I'm a goat. I climb up the hill real slow. I feel like that makes a lot of sense. I think so, too, but I'm going to make a new one, okay? And we're all allowed to make a new one today.

New astrological signs. We're being forced to make a new one as well. Marcus is a wizard today, and he'll be able to make one of the signs a real sign. All right? Okay. I love being a wizard. Does that make sense in an abstract sort of sense? Yes. Jackie?

no we got it everyone is just the wind is left no I already have my idea what is it? Jackie what's your idea? I'm not allowed to go first ok alright so I already know

I am a Leo which I'm pretty much a Leo, but I would say my spirit animal is a raccoon So if I were to give myself an astrological sign based on a raccoon Because you're always eating garbage, you dirty bitch And because I have small hands

Exactly, yes, feisty, they look really cute but they're not at all, they're really mean they're really fucking awful they get into your trash. So I would call it Kunjo. It's a feral raccoon that goes after people

but also is really strong and fights at night and protects the other animals in the forest but also has to take care of itself. So it has this horrible disease, just like Cujo, and it just has to overcome it. So it's really

the strength of the animal, and it's fastidiousness. What? Don't fact check me! Is that a word? I got a jersey, public education, I don't know shit. All the wordsmiths. Tiny hands, strong hearts, can public education. I don't know shit. Call a wordsmith. Yeah, tiny hands, strong hearts, can't lose.

That's great. Okay. Mine's fucking King Hippo. You punch me in the mouth, my pants fall down, you punch me in the stomach, I pass out. Kevin, that is not an astrological sign. No, as a wizard, I can say King Hippo is definitely an astrological sign. I'm allowing it. All right.

You're a wizard? Yeah. You missed a wizard? Yeah. You missed that part. Yeah, you missed me being wizard. Yeah, he's a wizard today because of this segment. Okay. Yeah, I guess mine, you know, we do this as accurately as we can with the stars, but, you know, come on.

You got to give me a little slack. Wait, what's your real astrological sign? Leo. You're Leo. Yeah. But this would be the cover of the video game Primal Rage. And that's

the sign that you would see. And it would serve to the world as a constant reminder that sometimes when you go back and play your favorite video games from childhood, you realize they suck. That's the sign. That's a sign. It means a lot.

Alright, I'm a cancer Leo Cuspin real life. I love it. That doesn't, that's not. That's a sign. It means a lot. That's working. It is a sign. All right. I'm a cancer Leo cusp in real life. I was born on July 21st. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Exactly. Because I'm a motion. Oh, shut it.

It does. It does. The sign is a hippo. I'm a hippo, but I'm a skinny hippo that used to be a chubby hippo, but now I'm skinny. You're a fat idiot. You're big. You already said hippo. And you're so pissy because you're a hippo that used to be a chubby hippo, but now I'm skinny. You're a fat idiot. You're big. You already said hippo. And you're so pissy because you're a hippo.

Hippos are so upset all the time. They kill more people than any other animal in Africa. Absolutely. I know. That's intense. So hippo number two. Does that include humans? No, Holden's king hippo.

King hippo. I'm skinny hippo. I'm the most kills in Africa. No, humansen's King Hippo. King Hippo. I'm talking about like hippo hippo. I'm talking about the most kills in Africa. No, humans have the most kills in Africa by far. Yeah, the hippo isn't killing more humans. So it's number two. There's no hippo 2012.

Coney, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, kind of a funny little reference there. Interesting. That's it, right? I guess. All right. Good. Okay, Dan Morelli.

Yeah, what about me? Dan Moreilli. Yeah, what about me? Dan Barilli. Yeah, what's your new astrological sign? My new astrological sign. What are you really, though? I'm an Aquarius, and I feel like I am a pretty much, I'm that kind of person. What is an Aquarius? Waterbird.

Age of Aquarius. Fifth dimension, guys. Fifth dimension. Very good. Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. Fifth dimension, guys. Aquarius. Aquarius. If I had a nickel for every time people did that to me when I told them my astrological sign, I'd have a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

I want one. Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. All right, so that's Danny's. Very good.

Thank you, Dan. The thing about y'all singing at... I feel like I would try to keep it the same, I guess. Oh, very good. Well, yeah, you guys sang all that shit for me to say, yeah, I am an Aquarius, and I feel like one. I would sort of be like the Lutheran to the Catholic Church. Or I'd just like amend a couple things.

So it'd be like, it would be Tambaquarius would be my astrological sign. You're like, Lutheran? Oh, that's fucking conceited, but whatever. I'm cool with it. You say it by yourself. What do you change? I change that, you know,

I'm a water bearer but it's an air sign I just keep it all water I don't need I'm not fucking flying and shit I know just everything's on the beach

it's by the water I like that everybody's chill it's like a whole it's like you're a chill dude you can fucking you know drink beers by the beach

air's not a big deal like it helps you breathe and all but like whatever yeah it's like it just happens what are you a right brother yeah Big beers by the beach. Air's not a big deal. It helps you breathe and all, but whatever. It just happens. What are you, a Wright brother? Yeah, we go to bars. I go to bars. I don't go to oxygen bars.

Yeah! Fuck that. You know the Wright brothers aren't from North Carolina? Yeah, no, fuck you. They're from Ohio. First in flight. Everybody knows that. They went down there because the wind was good in North Carolina,

so they took their Ohio-built fucking plane. North Carolina gave them the wind. They didn't give them shit. They were flat-balled men. The Wright Brothers, everybody knows that. North Carolina fucking took the bullshit from the Wright Brothers. It's not there. It's Ohio.

Eddie, it's where you took flight. North Carolina was still the first in flight. They built the plane in Ohio. Eddie, it's where you took flight. North Carolina was still the first in flight. They built the plane in Ohio. Because the plane was built there. Ohio was the first in cheap wood. You build a plane in Ohio. Jackie does not feel safe. You build an airplane in Ohio.

You drive it to North Carolina and you fly it there. Where was it invented? It was invented in Ohio. But, oh, North Carolina was the first. Fuck North Carolina. I'm sorry, Holden. I'm sorry, my lesbian friends. Ohio is the only state with four letters.

What? Not true. That's not true at all. All right. So, I just want to... Casey, your sign. What do you want to make it? What about Ed? I had to go first.

Ed has to go. I'll go after Casey. We're jumping around. We're jumping around. We're jumping around. I like Ben's. We're free form. We're jumping around. We're jumping around. I like Ben's. We're free form.

We're free form. I like something that Ben did for once. Well, everyone likes what I do very much. Casey, what are you naturally? I'm naturally a Leo. Naturally a Leo. I don't feel like a man. I'm not very forceful. I like to hide a lot, get in real small spaces.

Yeah, like a crab. Like a shadow. Oh. So I think I'm like a shadow, but I real small spaces. Yeah, like a crab. Like a shadow. I think I'm like a shadow, but I'm also very friendly. And I like getting lost in the woods. So, shadow from Homeward Bound. See, I think you're more Casper, but...

Thank you. I'm sorry. Eddie, you're up. I'm up? It's not Josh, it's me? No. I am a Libra. And'm up? Yeah. It's not Josh, it's me. No. Josh is going to close it out. I'm a Libra. And that is the scale. No one asked. What are you talking about? No one asked.

All right, let's move on, Josh. I'm sorry, Eddie. No one asked. Josh, you're up. Son of a bitch. This is one of those things, Ed. Josh, to close it out, please. I'm a Pisces.

Okay. What? Tell it off. I'm sorry, Ed. It's a what the hell I'm sorry it's a fish right I think it's a fish yes it's a fish

two sided fish yeah it's a fucking fish I'm sorry you're scaring Jackie does not feel safe I'm a fish okay and

I'd switch to you know where everyone was going I could have thought of something you know but I I go with a... He didn't know what he was talking about!

He said Ocelot! Let him speak! Ocelot from Metal Gear Solid or Ocelot, the animal? The animal. Okay. Because I knew that animal in second grade. Okay. Alright. Okay, very good. So that's it, Marcus. Who won?

I'm the player of the apes poster. No, you're not. A monkey with two machine guns on a horse. What was that that you said earlier? I'm the player of the apes poster. Nobody asked, Eddie. That's my name. Nobody asked, Eddie.

Nobody asked, Eddie. A monkey horse machine gun. No, you are not. That's what we're called. No, you are not. Fuck all of you. You sit in the corner. Marcus, please help me.

All right. King Hippo. All right, so hold and watch, please help me. All right. King Hippo. Oh. All right. So hold and watch. Yes. Yes. Marcus, I don't even get it.

Hippo. Please. I'd like to share my. I could. Please. Come on. Kunjo was really fucking good. I was fucking a monkey on a horse with two feet.

Nobody asked, Ed. Nobody asked. Nobody asked, Ed. If Ed. Stop looking at me like that, Jackie. I'm hurt. I knew that was a winner. It was what?

If Ed's answer counted, would he have won? Maybe. Doesn't matter. Nobody asked him. That stinks so much worse than no. Next time somebody asks you, you might win some. Lupe, how's the live tweet going? Lupe!

Lupe! Okay, so that's this episode. Lupe, how's the live tweet going? Lupe! Lupe! Yes! Okay, so that's this episode. Why did I come back if I wasn't going to win? I love how he can ask Lupe a question and then just scream his name and move on. All right. It's just so useless. All of this is useless.

Everybody's listening right now. Ben, how are you? Are you doing good? I am fine. I don't think no one asked you how you were doing earlier. I am good. I did. Marcus, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great. I'm a Capricorn. Jackie, Eddie, Holden, Kevin, myself. Thanks so much for being here, Danny Tamberelli. And I feel like it really transcends this entire segment. And I feel like the people just don't really want to watch it. I would like to thank the sub chuckle hut for showing up.

No one's talking because you won. Yeah. Mostly drunk. Mostly drunk. Well we got a gay saying fuck Selma. Yeah man.

Selma's anti-gay so go talk about that with your fucking mother. Selma is anti-gay? Yeah. That's what the gays say in the sub chuckle hut.

Yeah. They're in the sub chuckJuckle Hut. Yeah, it's anti-gay. They're in the sub-Juckle Hut because they're homosexual. All right. Well, that's untrue. And my significant other. That's great. I won with King Hippo.

All right. We're on Twitter. And then follow everybody. Marcus Parks. I'm at Ben Kissel. That's at Fatboy Barnett. Casey, what's your Twitter shows or whatever? It's at Casey J. Salango.

Casey J. Salango. And Danny, what you got going on? D. Tamberelli is my Twitter. You got any Man Boob show? Yeah, we're doing The Pit on 6-5. June 5th, Friday night, 11 o'clock. And the Cowmen album release party, man. Fucking gonna happen, man.

May 29th. May 29th. You have to come out. It's at Matchless. It's gonna be fucking awesome. Ed and I are hosting it. Jackie and I are hosting. Doug's here. Doug, you guys just finished mastering the album yesterday?

It's another show that I've been booted from hosting. You're in Uruguay and you complained about this last week. And it's not about you, Ben. It's about the cowman. I'm in Uruguay and I didn't even know I was. Wait, why are you going to Uruguay? We're not going to talk about this right now. Grandmother's in Uruguay?

That Nazi fucking... Are you serious? Hiding out? We got it. That's Paraguay. All right. Well, I got my own one-man show coming up here at the Creek in the Cave in late June. Do you really?

Yeah. You have a one-man show? For what? What are you doing? You have a one-man show? What are you doing? A character? What is this? You just drop one-man show at the end and you don't tell us about it? Why would I tell you, Ed? Alright.

What is this? Sell it. No one's going to come if you don't sell it. I'm going to email Rebecca tomorrow and set it up. Oh, and it's almost June. Yeah. So there you go. Holdenator Talks. I'm also going to throw out on Twitter,

at Loud Larry. I'm sure that belongs to somebody. So somebody has that Twitter handle. So hit that dude up. Follow that fucking dude. And yeah. Holden Talks in 30 minutes. Coming in June.

Holdeners out there scream for me babies no one is screaming at you Loud Larry on Twitter just an overgrown child who loves the game there you go he's got 33 followers get that dude some fucking followers

he's got 592 tweets and 9 favorites follow blow that dude the fuck up fucking followers. He's got 592 tweets and 9 favorites. Follow blow that dude the fuck up. That's for Larry. Follow him. He's got a picture of a hand. Absolutely fantastic. I want to meet him.

He lives in a lighthouse by himself. Where's a good place to get drugs these days? On the lighthouse when you live by yourself. Yeah, Washington Square Park, right? Washington Square Park by the chess boards. They're always selling benzos. Yeah, like Panic at Needle Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tompkins Square Park. Not the same park. Is that not the same? Murderfish Show June 6th at 11pm. Support all the other podcasts here. June 4th Too Fat with Ben Kissel and Ed Larson. Oh, do I get to host something finally? Once a month. Thank you.

Is it the hair? Do you need a haircut? Is that what you're promoting? I have my own podcast. It's a comedy wrestling podcast called The Heavenly Podcast. So give it a listen. And if you want to follow Loud Larry, here's what you'll get. Count down to my funeral.

Man, the time is getting closer. No favorites. No favorites. Marcus, give us a couple more. Support Loud Larry. Dust storm. Dust storm. Woo. Support Loud Larry Dust Storm Dust Storm Woo

All lowercase, no favorites Where's he from? Where's he at? I don't know He's from, let's see here Where he's from McPherson, Kansas That makes sense. All right, so Cloud Larry, we'll be seeing you soon, buddy.

Dust storms out there. Man, I'm going to follow this guy. I'm going to start favoring everything that he writes. Yeah, let's do it. That's awesome. Let's give him some more favorites. He'll be hosting the fucking show before I do. I have just followed him.

So, first of many, everyone follow at Cloud Larry. That's wonderful. Alright, everyone. Talk to you soon. Thanks for supporting all the shows here. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.