The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 246: Philadelphia Fever

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

Today on Round Table: a man in Brooklyn is almost arrested for legally grilling a guinnea pig in a Brooklyn park, 1100 piglets die in a tragic accident, and the world's first successful penile transplant recipient gets his girlfriend pregnant. Joining us today: Julie Rosing, Chesley Calloway, and Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I think it's Jackie's turn. Yeah, it's Jackie. Ben prayed during the live show. During the live show. Alright. Oh, and that wasn't released because it wasn't up to par?

It was so good. Oh, it was too good to be released. We don't want to spoil it. You don't want to make all the other episodes look really bad. Guys, wait a second. I thought Roundtable was fucking over. Is it? Okay, cool. It's over, though.

Jackie, you're praying. Dear God, I just want to say thank you for ending Roundtable. I'm pretty fucking done with it. God isn't real. Like everybody else is. God isn't real. You know what? I'm going to say also vaginas are not real.

Because we're at this beautiful Lady Parts Justice clown carnival right now. And, you know, it's like, what is a vagina? Is it a hole? Or is it an entrance into heaven? So I'm going to stop calling vaginas vaginas, and I want to start calling them portals and spickets. You just said vaginas weren't real. Yeah, no, no, no. It's more of like an ethereal hole. What's between your legs, Jackie? Hmm.

Interesting. I've never gotten that question before. I'm going to say it's probably something you can put a hand or a foot in, but never a face. Really? Yeah. Can we stop? That's great. All right. No, I'm not talking about looking. I'm talking about head. I'm talking about a whole head. You can't put a head in there. foot in, but never a face. Really? Yeah. Can we stop? Right, alright.

No, I'm not talking about looking, I'm talking about head. I'm talking about a whole head. You can't put a head in there. Yeah, you can't put a whole head in there. What's your favorite, like, oral technique done on it? Well, I mean, it's like, if I'm thinking about, like, with a brother in the room, you know, I'm gonna say more like a Oreo, like a... Oh, so like they split it open,

they get the cream out. They split it open, yeah, it's like a... And then so like they split it open, they get the cream out. They split it open. Yeah, it's like a... And then, Henry, that's a good tip for you when you're with your sister. Do what your sister likes. Use your teeth for a chisel.

Right before I start going down on a woman is I like to lift her legs way up towards the fucking bedpost. I'm going to be like, my sister fucking loves this shit. And then I just... But what I normally do is I stab around a vagina with my tongue like it's a

knife. And Chris on the chat says, am I the only one who kind of wants to see Henry and Jackie get that shit on? That's fucking disgusting. That's a rough one, Chris. That's a rough one. No, that's fine, Chris. I have no problem with what you

want. I recently just re-read some old penthouse forums. I used to masturbate to those as a rough one. No, that's fine, Chris. I have no problem with what you want. I've said it before. I recently just reread some old penthouse forums. I used to masturbate to those as a young boy. And so, Chris, feel free. I never understand that. I had gay older brothers. I had gay older brothers. That's not a reason to not want to look at boobs.

Yeah, it is, because I stole my brother's porn. He had penthouse letters? Yeah, because they're gay so they fantasized about being the man. Or about being a chick, I guess. Anyway, moving on. So Chris,

just write some fan fiction about Jackie and Henry having sex. It'll be great. Cool. I'd rather have sex with my father. Is this through prayer?

Yeah, she already said amen. Oh, she said amen? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I'm Ed Larson. Very good. Thanks for being here, Ed. Thank you for having me.

Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! No, no, no, no, no.

Let him finish. Let him finish. If you don't let him finish, he'll never be done. Oh, I see. Ho, ho, no. We're letting him end it. He's not done. Is that done? Let him finish. If you don't let him finish, he'll never be done. Oh, I see. It's like a police dog fucking your leg. Can I just say for the record that Holden doesn't look good. That's a fact. It's always snowing in Russia.

You look like a cracked egg. Yeah, maybe I fucking got a yolk in my ass. And I drink a fucking beer. He has been drinking for several days. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Doesn't look like it, though.

You're looking great and healthy. Holden McNeely. Follow me on Twitter. All right. So send in for Kevin Barnett, who is a bit busy this Sunday. He don't have a Twitter account. No, he does not. So just try to follow him and you'll never find it.

Henry Zebrowski is here. Thanks for being here all the way from Canada, Henry. Hey, Ben. Thank you so much for having me. You know, every time I come to the roundtable, it's always a really nice time and I have a really great time. It's good being with my friends and also, Barack Obama has AIDS. Is that why you're wearing such an American outfit right now?

Is that why he's so thin? What? He's so thin and gray because he's slowly getting that Philadelphia fever. All right. Very good. Which is what happens when you have AIDS in Philadelphia. The fucking doctor comes out, rings the bell, and he's just like, you got that Philadelphia fever.

Yeah, but you get to fuck Antonio Banderas. And the only cure for that fever is your eventual death. Isn't that exciting? Philadelphia fever also sounds like a fun name for their MLS game. The Philadelphia fever. Hopefully all the players don't have AIDS. Oh, yeah. The molest game.

But guess what? You can molest someone and not give them AIDS because there's no fucking P and fucking A. No, it depends on if you got all your Jim Jam on your fingers and then you put it up into their hole. Is that true? Can you squirt your squirt onto your fucking palm? I think it depends on how much you've popped a lesion onto your hands as you're getting into somebody's.

I bet if you come in your hands and you rub it in someone else's eyes and you have AIDS, they'll get AIDS. That's very possible. I think so. Good for you. Oh, my God. Chesley Calloway is here as well. Chesley, you look amazing.

You're strong. How are you? Good. Feeling million dollars. Welcome back to New York, buddy. Thanks, man. I've decided to be here. You guys are the best.

You ran away to Arizona and you're here for the week. Welcome, Chesley. How's Arizona going? It's great, man. I'm having an awesome time there. It's great. It's dry heat. Dry heat.

Put your head in the oven, God damn it. It's fucking awesome. Take your head right out of the oven there. It's already hot, though, huh? Yeah, getting out time there. It's great. It's dry heat. Dry heat. Put your head in the oven, God damn it. It's fucking awesome. Take your head right out of the oven there. It's already hot though, huh? Yeah, get in there. Right in the sun, your skin starts sizzling,

but everywhere else is not too bad. You meet any weird cactus people? Just a few. Just, you know, eat the peyote, you know, you eat the button

right off the, yeah, you meet cactus people. Arizona is the only state where Native Americans count. Isn't that something? Like one, two, three, all the other states that haven't educated them? No, no, no. The other states, they spell.

Yeah, yeah. They go A, B, C, D, but they mean one, two, three, four. No, no, no. You're not doing it right. Mark is one, two, three, four. And we're not mocking the Native Americans. People, of course, were discussing about the injustice in the education system. Native Americans need to stand up for themselves.

If they want to be fucking heard and understood. They should get a podcast. Come on and make yourself a goddamn podcast. Why don't you march on fucking Washington next week? I dare you to. I dare you to. Native Americans are amazing people and I think they should march as well. A whole trail of tears and whiskey bottles all the way to right here.

And they'll follow it and they'll come here and do a podcast. But that's how they know where their tent is in the circle. So this has been such a fun little... It's a teepee. Yeah. This is a very, very fun little like, what's it like at a Zabrowski Christmas? And thank you guys so much for sharing your dialogue and your narrative and what you think about the Native Americans. I don't know.

We don't have the background of our mother crying. So I think that that's really missing. Yeah. And my father going like, you should have been gay. I wish you were gay so I had a reason to be mad, but now I'm just mad for no reason. Oh, isn't that sad? Well, I'm happy you're having a great time

in Arizona, Chesley, and you look suntanned and gorgeous. Speaking of gorgeous, Julie is here, and I'm so sorry, Julie. I just realized I don't know your last name. Oh, Rosing. Julie Rosing. So thank'm so sorry, Julie. I just realized I don't know your last name. Oh, Rosing. Julie Rosing. So thank you so much for being here.

Hi. Hey. No problem. She has sex with me. All right. I wasn't going to say it. I wasn't going to say it, Julie. But Eddie brought it up.

Julie and Eddie. From the Philadelphia Phil. Eddie. I wasn't going to say anything about that, but Eddie brought it up. Yeah, but you had such a pregnant pause. You couldn't say, like, a beautiful woman, she's a comedian. Comedian. She's got a whole life besides being somehow deluded and up to sleep with Ed.

I tricked her. Yeah. Yes. All right. So Julie and Ed are having sex with each other. Julie, you know that you're very attractive. Why Ed? What do you mean?

He's great. Okay. It's very attractive. Why Ed? What do you mean? He's great. Okay. That's very nice. I want the audience to know that Ed does have a Dillinger in his hand. I am afraid for my life right now. Dangerous. Girlfriend by gunpoint.

And we got the live tweet going with Lupe! Lupe Rodriguez. Drink that tequila. That's racist. Not when there's one in the room. The only thing that's a cure for Lupe Rodriguez is... Give me a handout because I had sex without a condom. Somebody call my source.

Did Ronald Reagan start sponsoring this podcast? What happened? I lost the lottery of life and now I want free shit. That's great. I can hear the sounds of your career exploding. That is wonderful. Henry's literally doing everything he can to ruin his career at NBC

and they don't give a fuck. They don't give a shit. They're like, go for it. They love it. Heroes, Thursdays at 8 p.m. on NBC.

Oh, man. Yeah, in September. In September. September, catch Henry on Heroes. Heroes. Extra white sauce. It's a great reality show. Yeah, yeah, mostly what it is. White sauce, hot sauce. September, catch Henry on Heroes. Heroes. Extra white sauce. A great reality show.

Yeah, yeah, mostly what it is. White sauce, hot sauce? Yeah, white sauce, hot sauce. Hot sauce, hot sauce. You look at him. You look at him. I'm a professional virgin. That's great.

On the show Heroes, I play a professional virgin that makes white sauce out of my own fucking ass. That's great. A little slushy. I say come. Yeah, because that's too easy. That's great. A little slushy machine there. I thought you said cum. Yeah, because that's too easy. That's too easy. Right.

Why would it be ass? Then you have to like dye it white. Isn't it weird that Arthur Ashe died of Philadelphia fever and still no one gives a fuck who he is?

Well, Arthur Ashe very successful. There's an award that people give to heroes. Who is he? The Courage Award. He was a tennis player. He was a tennis player. Yeah, he was a tennis player. He was a tennis player.

Yeah, he was a tennis player. Black tennis player. Is that what he's saying? You can all see what he's doing when he's pretending to hit a fake tennis ball. Very offensive. And Arnold Palmer was a fucking drunk. Hell yeah. Arnold Palmer's fucking nickname for a jerk.

The Shark. What? His nickname's The Shark. Right. His nickname isn't Bear. Oh, that's Greg Norman. Greg Norman's The Shark. No, he's the bear. Jack Nicklaus is the bear. Arnoldname's The Shark. Right. His nickname isn't Bear. Oh, that's Greg Norman. Greg Norman's The Shark. No, he's Jack Nicklaus.

Jack Nicklaus is The Bear. Arnold Palmer's The King. Oh. The ant's still alive. Yeah. I'd rather be called The Shark. The King just sounds like... It sounds like nicknames you give people entering a sex dungeon.

Yes. You're The King, you're The Shark, you're The Bear. The Golden Bear is what Jack Nicholson loves. If I were playing golf, my nickname would be the scoundrel. I want mine to be the ravioli. That's just a dinner. You guys ever see that time Arnold Palmer accidentally hit the ball into the crowd and it hit a child right in the fucking face?

I like it. It was great. It was just... It was a bad one. But it survived, which means the swing was not that strong. That's right. Very good point.

Babies should die if it gets hit in the head by a golf ball by a professional. It wasn't a baby. It was a child. One in four female babies need to be thrown in the trash. Yeah. One in four?

That's just a straight up statistic. Statistic. Statistic. I got it. Statistic. Hey. Imagine the orgies.

What? The AIDS orgies that they have. Free flowing. It's like the herpes dating group. Julie and Julie. They get together

and they just fuck the shit out of each other in big groups. See, if I was going to an AIDS orgy, I would dress up as the Grim Reaper and give everybody a fun laugh. It's very humorous now. Most people survive AIDS.

I actually heard that Henry is being invited to the biggest disabled orgy in Toronto. Is he disabled? Yeah, it's called No Hands, No Waiting. I thought it was called DaDisDicks. Yeah. DaDisDicks sucks. Your legs don't move.

Wait, Henry, what's your disability? My disability is my cock's too big. Well, that's not a disability. It fucking got her ass. That's an advantage. It's a good thing, really.

Well, I want to just grab the lady with the skinniest, weakest legs and wiggle them around till just the shaking of her legs gives her a fucking orgasm. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not bad. Gotta make a look at the Golden Gate Bridge during a Golden Gate. The Philadelphia fever actually makes you quite cold. All right. That is true, yeah.

Marcus, can we go to the nows? No, no. That's not how you do it. Yes, that's an inappropriate way to do it. Now, I can do it. I can just do it. You can do it. I can do it.

You want to go to the news, Marcus? Let's go to the news. The nows. The nows? What's now in the news? But if it's the thens, is that old stuff? Is that what history is called? Oh, my God, no.

I want nows. Nows now. Hello, my name is... Rodriguez. My name is Professor Richelde Memerton, and I'm a professor in the thens. What are you a professor of? In the thens, the things that aren't nows.

What used to be... What used to happen? I hate college. I have a talking book? I hate college. I have a talking book. I hate college. What are you filled with, talking book? I'm filled with little boy cum. A child has been coming home.

Child's cum. He sneaks in the library at the college. And now for a new story from Marcus Parks. Authorities estimate that up to 1,100 piglets may have died when a semi-trailer carrying 2,200 piglets overturned on an Ohio highway. Don't put all your piglets in one truck. I've said this a million times. You keep saying that. It's weird.

Very accurate. Agencies and volunteers worked to corral the animals after the crash on Monday night near Dayton. Crews picked up squealing piglets by their hind legs. Some may have escaped into wooden areas. And Deputy Chief Greg Beagle of the township's fire department says authorities rounded up those they could find before ending the search. 1,100 were taken to the local fairgrounds to await transportation. Set on fire.

Pigs were killed by being crushed, suffocated, or simply thrown from the truck. I love, so there's a bunch of pigs on the lam. A bunch of pigs on the run, which is a great movie. Pigs on the run. That's funny. I would have those pigs lined up and shot. Well, you can't do that, Henry. That's the most offensive thing you've ever said.

Hand me your paper, Mr. Pig. Oh, trying to run away. We don't have papers. Hand me your papers. You're a pig Nazi? That's why they were in the truck to begin with. This is the finest solution. Where are you headed to?

Oinkschwitz? Yeah. I like it. You can put oink in front of something. I like it. I'm going to start calling my belly Oinkschwitz? Yeah. I like it. You can put oink in front of something. I like it. I'm going to start calling my belly

Oinkschwitz. I agree with that. It goes in and never comes out. Henry has to come out at some point. No, no, there is a poo-poo there.

And then, you know, it's like a, it's a smelly sort of freedom. Yeah. A smelly sort of freedom. You take a choose

from it. If I saw a little piggy walking next to the row, you know what I'd do? What would you do? I would put a pink shirt on and little piggy ears next to the road, you know what I'd do? What would you do? I would put a pink shirt on and little piggy ears and I'd be like,

oh, Mr. Piggy, are you lost? I'm your mom. And he'd be like, pick your mommy, pick your mommy. And then I'd get in my car and drive him over

and he's like, ooh, you ready for some milk from your mommy? He's like, pig napper. You'll get it. You'll get it. I'll give you the milk,

mommy, give me the milk. And then I'd fucking slit its throat while it was asleep. Drain it properly. Yeah. Do it when it's awake. Yeah, it won't know. No, no, no. its throat while it was asleep. Drain it properly. Yeah. Do it when it's awake.

Yeah. No, no, no, no. Wait for it to be asleep. I want it to be dreaming and kicking. I think this story should trump that story about the two escaped inmates upstate New York, right? Absolutely. I love that these pigs are all gone. They need to get a pig squad, a pig police force.

I mean, they're hunting their own. It'll be perfect. Oh, pig police will be great. Pig police. I'm rooting for... You know what? I mean, I know that these two people upstate, these inmates, a pig police force. I mean, they're hunting their own. It'll be perfect. Oh, pig police will be great. Pig police? I'm rooting for... You know what? I mean, I know that these two people upstate, these inmates, they're murderers,

so you root for them based upon the idea of their, you know, them being bigger than the law and escaping and doing something fantastic, but I'm really in love with these pigs. But I don't want to find a murderer. I want to find a piglet and make its skin a bunch of cracklins

and make its fucking head a succulent piglet's fucking... Ooh, bunch of cracklings and make its fucking head a succulent piglet's fucking... Ooh, have you ever had a roasted pig's head? Oh, man, we looked at one today, actually. I was at the barbecue, the 13th annual New York City barbecue. Ooh. You went to that?

Madison Square Park. Big Apple Barbecue. Yeah, it was great. We fucking ate some pigs. I ate some lamb. How much did Eddie eat, Julie? Oh, we both ate the same amount. It was great. It was real some pigs. I ate some lamb. How much did Eddie eat, Julie? We both ate the same amount. It was great. It was real good. Good for you, girl. Very nice.

I hate my barbecue. We're looking for dirt, Julie. Stop defending me. If you were on this show, you need to say, oh, he ate enough meat to fill up a house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. That's how we make fun of Eddie in the show. I lied, I lied. Because now I can't say oh, he ate enough meat to fill up a house. That's how we make fun of Eddie.

Because now I can't say how much he ate because you said that you guys ate the same amount, so now Eddie ate a reasonable amount of food. I don't want to ruin it for you guys. I want us to go back and get more, and he was like, I'm kind of full. What a pussy. She's so tall.

She can take so much to feed her. I'm so full, honey. You should have broken up with him right there. You know, I could get more if you want more.

His skin is crack-based. I was thinking maybe we could go apple picking instead of going to the barbecue. He did get apple juice. You're a dickhead.

All right, guys. I ate all the pig. I ate a whole pig. Did you eat a whole pig? You fat fucking shithead. That's ridiculous. You're a dickhead. I ate a whole pig. Did you eat a whole pig? You fat fucking shithead. That's ridiculous. You're a shithead because you ate all the pig. I fucked its eyeballs out.

Good, Eddie. Yeah, you big swine fucker. You're a dickhead, Eddie. Unbelievable. He did insist on getting apple juice. I love apple juice. Further damning evidence. What, you guys don't like apple juice?

Not the way you do. Oh, I'm wearing a diaper. Can I have some apple juice? Oh, my God. Are you ordering like a normal person? Oh, I'm wearing a diaper. No, no, no. That's what you sounded like.

It could be a statistic. The whole pork sandwich makes my mouth dry. Chesley can't make fun mouth dry. Oh, my God. Chesley can't make fun of me. Chesley can. I'm not going to lie. You can do that, Chesley. Oh, man. That's great.

I bet he has to like that, too. He has to like that. So is it possible that the pigs orchestrated the car crash? It's a coup. I think it's a coup. Yeah. And I also imagine what it sounded like when all those pigs died at once. Oh, man.

I like pigs a bigger than I thought. Yeah. Imagine what it sounded like when all those pigs died at once. God must have needed some pigs. There's a picture. We're showing a picture right now. A picture. I fucking hate you. We're in a five-minute break. Hold him ain't nearly. Daddy, the picture.

Can they eat these pigs? Can we quickly get them to a slaughterhouse? We could absolutely still eat these pigs. They're little tiny ones? But they're tiny pigs. You don't want to eat them yet. That's where you get the small packages of bacon from. You've never had piglet?

I've had piglet. I had deviled piglet's kidneys. That's what you are if you eat it. Deviled piglet's kidneys. Asshole, oh, okay. Devil, pig, devil. Yeah, that's what you eat. No, that's what you are if you eat it. Jesus Christ. Devil, piglets, kidneys. When did you become Ted Nugent? I went to this place called Holman & Finch in Atlanta, which is absolutely delicious, and the waiter came.

Oh my God, we should go. You should go. Let's brunch. And the waiter came, and he was just like, Oh, you must try the piglet. Or the chef, the chef. Four, three, four, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three, three Oh, the chef, the chef. Four. Versus.

Oh, the sweetest, sweetest, pompous piglet. Was it like Bane's twin brother or something? He literally was just like, he's like, the chef had all these fucking piglet kidneys hanging around. He just whips them up with them. I don't think you should ever go there again. I'm not sure if this was a restaurant or an alley somewhere. What's weird is the way he served it is that he came over and he took off his shirt. Yeah, he took off his shirt and he curved in his belly and we ate it out of his fucking belly. Interesting.

Where is that again? Holman and Finch. It's really classy. It's in Atlanta. What's the address? It's 469. That's great. Dick Sucker Boulevard.

I've been there. I love that place. You used to work there, right? Man, I'd fucking... They named it after me. Yeah, their signature dish is this thing called the Philadelphia... Fever! Bayron Reapers!

It's batting 37th for the Cincinnati Bengals. That's great. I was on the train today and someone was saying something about, do you remember this thing called non-11? Non-11? 9-11? That's it. Yeah, I do remember that.

What was that? I actually just forgot about it. That was the thing where 9-11 clowns fell down a manhole cover into a sewer. Yeah, they put on a great show for the rats. God bless them. I love that. That's right. Dick Sucker Boulevard.

Do you think that one of the... This would be a good thing for a children's book. Which one? What that we've said has been a good thing for a children's book? The one pig that lived in the forest. You can't start a children's book with hundreds of pigs.

Thousands. Millions. Racism. Make it millions. You're right. You can't start it like that. You have to make it into millions

or hundreds of millions for fiction. Exactly. You can make it more like a kiddie erotic tale where Piggy, okay, Piggy gets escapes from a thing.

All his other Piggy brothers have been fucking murdered in a car crash. He's running from certain death at the hand of a butcher and he meets a fucking hot, sweet, young raccoon.

A witch. Hello, raccoon. A witch. You've cursed me and now I'm perpetually hard. Isn't that exciting for a child to read? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the raccoon needs to be like, I haven't had none of the push since my daddy raccoon died. Oh, your daddy used to make it happen. Yeah, he took my virginity. Your virginity? Yeah, that's when a father has sex with a raccoon's ass, apparently.

That's great. And Holden. No. No, supules. What number episode of Ralph's Table is this? I'm not Holden anymore. What are you now? Sexy.

Fuckable. The sexy pig. Yeah, your name is Fuckable? The sexy pig? Yeah. How do you like to be fucked, Fuckable the sexy pig? No, I'm a dragon. Waste of time.

The whole bit was a waste of time. He didn't plan it. He didn't plan it from the beginning. He didn't have an ending. No, no. And he bailed on it. And he returns. And now he's holding it down.

I do like fuckable to sexy pig. So is this the final episode? No, I mean, let's just say I'm busy next week. Julie, what are you doing? Do you want to replace Ed? Oh, no, actually, we're going to be in Cincinnati next week. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I'm going to be in Canada being a television star. Okay. Yeetles. Hot sauce, white sauce, hot sauce, white sauce. Stew, stew from NBC's A to Z Oh man, that show is going to last forever Stew If you guys don't recall, NBC's A to Z

What's the F stand for? Fuckable Stew You say in Philadelphia fever, that starts with a P It's like when a show gets canceled, it's like America fired you Stu You say in Philadelphia fever That starts with a P Oh no It's like when a show gets cancelled It's like America fired you It's like

Cause that's what's weird Is that as When the show was being revealed It was cancelled People walked out and go like Thumbs Down Everywhere I went

Hey that's the fat guy From the show that sucks Stu Did you ever get that? Hey tell me Tell me fat guy When they cancel the show Do Stu! Did you ever get that? Hey, tell me, tell me, fat guy, when they cancel the show, do they fucking shoot you in the head? Because if not, let me beat him to it. Hey, can you sign your autograph so I can scream fuck you at it?

Stu! Yeah, whatever gets me attention, yeah. That is so fucking in rate. That is so Stu. So Stu. You guys missed the whole episode where Stu was supposed to suck his own cock. What happened? Was that S?

Stu sucked his own cock. The fat gets in the way though, right? The fat gets in the way. So he just ends up eating out his belly button. Isn't that something? A little bit more erotic there. Oh, my God. We have to move on.

I'm laughing too hard. I'm not going to pass out. All right. So some piggies are on the lamb in Ohio. That's fine. Hopefully they don't catch him. No, they're more on the ham. Jackie, Jackie, you fight.

Come on. You fight. But you know who you are, Henry? You're the weakest link. Goodbye. Goodbye. Damn you, you fight. Come on. You fight. But you know who you are, Henry? You're the weakest link. Goodbye. Damn you, you bitch. You're the weakest link. Goodbye.

That was funny, Jackie. I need a cold compress, man. You know why? Why? Because the doctor, where's the doctor? He said I got this fucking heat disease, man. You know what it's called, man? No, no, we're not doing it.

It's called the flu. What town is the doctor? It's called the cum and cold. What is it called? It's called the... P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-H-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-I-L-A-D-E-S-P-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L-F-E-P-H-I-L- We are. No, no, no. I don't. Henry, why is the Liberty Bell cracked? Because of your ass. Your ass was on it.

All right, let's move on. Benjamin Franklin's wife sat on it. Yeah, she's big. Benjamin Franklin was probably gay, so let's leave him alone for now. Benjamin Franklin is actually the six times great grandfather of Jack Coleman, who's on Heroes on NBC. Nobody cares. I'm nine times great. That is the truth.

I'm nine times a great grandfather, so it's fine. Yeah. That's great. So happy. So happy for all of your success, Henry. Let's move on to another news story. Yes, the girlfriend of the world's first successful penis transplant recipient is reportedly pregnant. I want to say it, too.

Success. Wait, what happened? So he got a new cock and then filled her up. Yeah. What did he get replaced with? Like a jackhammer? An actual penis. The tubes work.

Yeah, the tubes work. Everything works. So if you get your dick cut off now, there is hope. However, notice that I said this was the first successful penis transplant. Because normally it'll come alive and grab at a woman's knees or something while she's asleep. Yeah, that's when they replaced it with a baby arm. How old was he?

I think he was in his 20s. What happened to his dick? How did he lose it? How he lost it, he had severe complications that arose from a circumcision performed as part of a coming of age ceremony. It was in Africa. He got a blood shot from a mousetrap. So the first successful

penis transplant was in Africa? South Africa. I would have never guessed that. You wouldn't have guessed that? I would have said Illinois. Isn't that something? I would have said Florida. I'm shocked that there is not in Florida right now a put penis back on place. Literally, and it would be called that.

We put your penis back on. Is there a place it would be called that. We put your penis back on. Is there a place for that? Oh, yeah. There you mind. First of all, you need to have a fucking terrible story of how you lost your penis. That's number one. That'll cut down on the insurance costs.

Absolutely. Second of all, we got all sorts of different sizes and types. We've got the annihilator. We've got the trepitor. We've got the hooked dragon. No, We've got the Tremptator. We've got the Hooked Dragon. No, no, no. Only big, horrible ones. We also have the Kielbasa Stallion. You don't want that one.

Oh my goodness. The Triple Crown, indeed. You want Kielbasa now? Makes me burp. Maybe you should have had more food at the old pig function, Eddie. They weren't serving kielbasa. Okay.

No one had pastrami. I was very sad. We went to a big barbecue festival and no one had pastrami. Pastrami is a smoked meat. There's no Jews at a barbecue. There's pastrami at good barbecue. Yeah, and I was fucking there. You weren't making the barbecue.

Were you yelling about this at the festival? I just realized it now. I don't think I knew you were Jewish. My father is. I'm not really Jewish. He's not Jewish. You didn't know that he was Jewish? No, I don't think I knew that.

Is it because he's poor? Oh, he's a Jew. That could be it. My father's side is Jewish, and then my mother's side is Catholic, which makes me atheist. So is now roundtable a date for you guys? I'm learning. Is it a date? I'm teaching everybody. How long have you guys been dating, Julie?

Eight months. And you didn't once tell her that your father was Jewish? I thought it was clear by the sight of Jeff that I'm part Jewish. Oh, okay. Yes. Weird. I'll try and be more perceptive Is this a Zionist thing?

Do you want to break up with him now Julie? I don't know I think it's okay Still holding on So Marcus we are in the middle of this news story Oh yeah it was a nine hour operation And it happened at Tigerburg Hospital Oh yeah But I noticed that I said

Nine hour operation Must have been a big one Just got to make sure it's done right Tigerburg Hospital. Oh. Yeah, yeah. But I noticed that I said that this was... Nine-hour operation. Nine hours. Must have been a big one. Oh, yeah, man. Just got to make sure it's done right. Yeah, yeah. But notice that I said that it was the first successful penal transplant. The first unsuccessful penis transplant happened in 2006.

Here's the story behind that. Surgeons in China who said they performed the first successful penis transplant had to remove the donated organ because of the severe psychological problems experienced by the man and his wife. Wow. Yeah. He got the dick to him. It's like body bags. Kill her. Kill her.

Kill her. Body parts, body bags. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't say how he lost his penis, but they performed the 15-hour surgery. It was donated by the parents of a 22-year-old brain-dead man. They cut a dick off of a man who was brain-dead? This dude is aware that he's alive, and he's like, just kill me, kill me.

Now you're cutting my dick off? I'm not a farm. I'm not a field. I'm not a plant. I'm not a field. I'm not a plant. I'm a human. You trapped inside your old body like the Metallica video for once. Exactly. And you're sitting there, and the doctor comes, and you're just like,

oh, this guy's good as dead. We might as well just take everything we can get. And he's just like, Doctor, doctor, doctor. And you're just like, all right, get me the hedge clippers. I've always wanted to do this, Nurse Ratched. You know, I've never cut off a dick before, but this seems like a good place to start.

Can I do it? Yes, my son, who I brought to work today. Oh, my goodness. Bring your son to work, Dane. It happens to be... I want to do the snippy snip. I feel like the first unsuccessful penis transplant was way before 2006.

Yeah, I feel like it was in 1967. It was like a pool noodle or something. Well, this was the first one in which they did it. They tried it. The guy, the dick drove him and his wife insane. Was it just hard all the time? Was it a wrestler? I don't know. They just

came back and they said, take it off, take it off. I mean, it makes sense because this guy who they cut it off of was probably going insane mentally. I mean, maybe the dick got his emotions, got his energy. What if that dude was gay and that dick can only get hard for fucking dudes? Well, it seems like. I don't know if that's how that sexuality works. It sounds true, but it doesn't feel true. It sounds true, and if it is true, it sounds true.

But your dick isn't gay. Like, your brain is gay. Like, it's more of a... No, but you tell that to the dick. Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess. I guess they always say dicks have a mind of their own, so yeah, maybe.

Talk to the dick. Chesley, are dicks gay? Oh, entirely. I mean, I think from at least most of it, you know, from the tip down to the scrote. You know the part that goes into the body? That part's pretty straight, though. My dick identifies as big and black. Coffee, brother.

Hell yeah. Transracialism. Your dick was born of the wrong skin. I think it's actually just dirty and you should clean it. Right, right. Also become another dick dick. Did the guy whose dick got cut off for the operation, did he get the other guy's mangled dick put back on his?

It's like a trade? Well, the guy had no dick to begin with. He doesn't have a mangled dick. It was gone completely. They said that he couldn't urinate normally, and they don't know how the dick exactly was missing. It means he pissed out of his ass. Yeah, like girls do. Or his ears.

I've seen it. That's not how I thought girls peed for most of my childhood is that they, I thought girls peed out their butts. Right.

Out their ass. They don't? They make milk, milk comes from the tits. Huh. Isn't that exciting? Yeah. Is that true?

I think it is. Julie? Jackie, is that true? Do you pee out your butt? Depends on where your nipples are. Good point, Jackie. If you got shoulder nipples,

it's all fucked up. You might as well shit yourself. Yeah. Well, my question is, you know how in transplant situations, a lot of times

the family, where the transplant came from, is like, you know when the person got their face transplant, the sister, where the face came from, is, you know when the person got their face transplant, the sister where the face came from is like, oh, it looks like him.

Yeah. Is the family where the dick came from? Maybe they haunted them, and that's why he wanted the dick off. He only lasted two weeks with that dick. I just feel like he didn't try hard enough. It says the patient, it said there have been no signs of the four-inch organ being rejected by the recipient.

Four-inch? It's China. No, it's Africa. No, this is China. So four-inch organ or soft? I think it was, I mean. You don't measure a soft dick. Everyone knows that.

Yeah, that's true. You don't measure like Michael Jordan could jump 36 inches. 36-inch vertical because he also jumped like three inches. Yeah, that's true. You don't measure like... No one's ever measured a sock. Michael Jordan could jump 36 inches. 36-inch vertical, but he could also jump like three inches. Yeah, that's true. You always go with the peak of a person's ability. What I like to do is to see how much water my soft penis can displace out of a Dixie cup. I've taught mine how to sip. You're drinking all wrong.

I don't think I've ever touched a flaccid penis before. Well, you're doing your job What are you talking about? What do you do to get it hard? It's already hard for her It's always already hard for her That's why she's had a boyfriend for decades Jackie gets them

She shakes and yells Looks that dick right in the eye And it fucking stiffens up Hard as fuck Yeah I just yell at it You fucking penis! You'll get hot now! It's in times like these

that I almost wish Jackie could get Philadelphia fever so she could stop having sex. You know, I can't. You know, I'm not sleeping

with a homosexual. All right. Well, that's not actually true. We're taking away everybody's time. Like drug addicts. You're on a three-minute hiatus.

Three minutes. Don't sign it out. Leave the microphone. It's not nearly as bad as what Henry said. He's the only one who has any consequences. I know, but I just don't know why that one sounded worse. It's the way you said it. It is.

The hate. Me? Yeah, you. It wasn't hate. It was sensual. That was sensual, Jackie? I just mean that's my problem. I think you're crossing your streams, and this is why Doug's so scared all the time. Four-inch hard dick, and he couldn't deal with it, huh?

Well, the patient finally decided to give up the treatment because of the wife's psychological reaction. She hated him with a dick. She hated him with a dick, or at least the new dick, he said, as well as the swollen shape of the transplanted penis. Who lost the old one? How did he lose the old one? But it was only, it doesn't say. That's the most important part of the story to me. She might have cut it off. Well, we knew how the first guy lost his. He lost it in a

circumcision accident. I feel like you get one It was too much. You get one replacement dick. That's right. That's it. You get one replacement dick. That's right. That's it. You don't get two.

He didn't ask for another one. I think he realized that he was very happy with that one. But I don't know. He only lasted two weeks. I don't think he gave it a fair shake. Literally. We got a money market. You know what?

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. I didn't think about it. But I'll take it. I'll go ahead and take it. Chesley, could you fall in love with a guy who didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. I didn't think about it, but I'll take it. I'll go ahead and take it. Chesley, could you fall in love with a guy who didn't have a penis? If the clitoris was big enough to catch traction, maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

I always have dreams where I'm married to a snail. All right. Don't spit on me, Ed. That really got Eddie. Don't spit on me, Ed. That really got Eddie. Don't spit on me. That really got Eddie. That's very good. Henry, you had something to say about this very important subject?

No, I was going to say one time I worked a pencil all the way up my own asshole until I lost it. But the thing is that I managed to push the very tip of it out a little bit with the muscles in my butthole. I took a standardized test with it, and I got a nine. That's great. I love playing backdoor pencil. That's why Henry and Holden's buttholes are nicknamed the sharpener, and for good reason. Really brilliant.

Nice. A wood chipper. Get on in there. Philadelphia fever. It took me a long time to learn that biting and kissing are not the same thing. It is difficult to know the difference there, but one person, people like being kissed, they don't like being bit.

Also, Lupe Rodriguez! Sometimes girlfriends just go. I mean, sometimes a girlfriend just is there and then they're gone. As in like, not they don't come, they're just out the door. No, they leave. I know you miss the screaming.

I know you miss the upset feelings. You've been single for a while now. Yeah. You've been single, yeah, for what? Eight months, nine months? How do you like it single life? It's been five years. Oh.

Five years. Very good. It's really, I'll tell you what I like it Sing-a-Len is the best How many more horror movies do you see now than you used to? I am watching two a day And that is not a joke I'm watching two a day

I have nothing but time to research the connections Between the Zionist movement and what happened at Columbine. Why did she leave? I don't know. Can't handle the heat. You get out of the relationship. And I was the chef in that relationship.

Yeah. Kitchen. Wait, so does Elton John have AIDS? No, he does not. No, no, no. He's got a toupee on. But he's got the song. He's got toupees.

What's the song? Leave on Philadelphia fever. That's a real one. Around me. I love you. Oh, shit. Elton John's got that. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I just wanted to break that story real fast. Oh, I didn't know. I never heard Philadelphia here by him. Do you know what horses get when they're gay? They get hates. Hates. Horses?

Hates. Hates. Hates. I know a gay person I know because hates. Right. So you guys are literally saying these things. It's all recorded. It's going out in the sound waves live.

I remember one time Rocky got the flu. I remember that. And then he got a little, his temperature rose a little bit. In Philadelphia. I can't remember what exactly happened after that. Oh, he got a case of the... All right, Marcus, next news story. Yes.

Next news story. Solitaire is the name of the game, Holden. Oh. Yeah, Solitaire. Yeah. Oh. That's great. All. Yeah, Solitaire. Yeah. It's great. All right, you morons. Let's move on to another dude.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Solitaire is a lonely man's game. I'll give you $100. That's your favorite joke, Eddie. I will give $100 to the person who shuts off the podcast right now. Shut it off. Shut it off. Your shit is fucking full of it.

Richard Dreyfuss's head on a stick. $250. Alright. Well, no. Richard Dreyfuss is a great actor. Let's keep him alive. If Richard Dreyfuss is not dead in 24 hours, I'm going to kill him myself. That's great. Well, you're going to die.

You have to kill yourself. No one's going to kill Richard Dreyfuss. He was great in that movie where he... Juice. Skates. Mouths. It's called Mouths. It's a one-word movie.

Mr. Holland's Opus. Hell yeah. Mr. Holland's Opus. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. A tall. Beautiful, cold. Close encounters of the turd kind. Oh, man.

You're an idiot. I'm a music teacher. My kid's an idiot who can't hear. Just because I'm the first British music teacher does not mean I'm retarded. My son is as damn as a pest, but it does not mean that he cannot see. I have the aid AIDS but I refuse to be a mumbler mubistic.

My son was born with no knees. He is deaf. He has AIDS. He cannot play music because he cannot hear tune. But he can see the colors. Do you know Scott from accounting? I'm pretty sure he is super gay. We can say whatever we want about deaf people because we're only sound.

That's the whole medium. We don't release it. This podcast is not going to release it in Braille. No, you can't release it. Not yet. There's no podcast in Braille yet. That's very, very true. Fuck those stupid cocksuckers.

A lot of people have deaf friends or brothers. Watch your learning here, idiots. The word will get back to him. We need a stenographer so we can translate it into braille. Come on, don't teach them how to listen to podcasts. You're right. They're deformed. It will always be that way.

They're not deformed. Their inner ears are deformed and they can't hear. They offer a lot of benefits for society. What did they do? They see. Beethoven was deaf and you saw what happened with him. He was a fucking dog. The good song was? They see. Beethoven was deaf. There you go. You saw what happened with him. He was a fucking dog. Was it a good song?

Was it not? For Elise. Very good. You know what's weird? Deaf people get to hear farts. What if they think that that smell that you make when you fart is you saying I love you? They don't. That is not a good thing.

One of my cousins can't smell. It's wonderful. I fart around her all the time. You fart around everybody all the time. I know, but her doesn't matter. But I can still smell your fucking farts Martha Yeah And I You gotta say it more like that

Oh right Okay That's great You gotta deaf it up a bit Fuck deaf people man No don't No deaf people are very very What's your most unfavorite disability?

I'm going with fucking blind people Blind people is your least favorite? Yeah they're always getting in my way No What's your most unfavorite disability? I'm going with fucking blind people. Blind people is your least favorite? Yeah, they're always getting in my way. I hate people that don't like the Beatles. That is a disability. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. People fucking deaf, son.

You deaf son. Asshole. It's a fine... It means asshole. Yeah, and everybody knows that. Of course he knows who John Lennon is. Yeah. Did you guys see the porno version of Mr. Holland's opus? Mr. Holland's pocus.

I would say opus-y. It's all death. You are the porno version of hocus pocus. It's also called hocus pocus. Stu, Stu from A to Z. How you doing Stu Stu I can't believe it

poor version of A to Z is anus Z alright so alright yeah that ended a bit that ended the whole thing that was a bit

that was a closer alright multiple digits yes that's one of my least favorite of all the disformities oh extra fingers extra fingers extra fingers why it's more of a least favorite of all the disformities. Oh, extra fingers? Extra fingers are toast.

Why? It's more of a superpower. If you get extra fingers, just cut them off, right? You can't. I mean, you could, but it would hurt a lot, I think. Eddie, what are you going with? Least favorite deformity? This is the question, yeah.

Or disability. My most favorite is extra tits. Extra tits, yeah. I'd say my least favorite deformity would be like... You were literally screaming about how all deaf people should be murdered. So it's deaf people. You probably just go with that. I mean, no, I mean...

I feel bad for them. Don't tell them. You have to sign to them. You can't... Don't write them. Don't write them. I would say people with no noses. Oh.

Yeah, I don't like to look at them, and I hate when they're around. Sure, sure. Okay, I can see that. I can see that. Yeah. I don't like to look at them, but I hate when they're around. Sure, sure. I can see that. I can see that. I can hear that, see that. Nothing but trouble. Oh, my goodness.

All they wanted to do was call it a nice little vacation, and what they found was nothing but trouble. You ever see a person where their teeth grows out through the top of their lips? Oh, yeah. That's rough. Kill it. Kill it.

Put it back in. It's not done yet. Marcus pulled up pictures of people with extra fingers. Oh my god! That's my most... That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm telling you. Because it's right up. No, no, girls.

You gotta understand, that little one works the cleat. Cut them off. I would have cut them off. Too many toes. How many is that? To all of our listeners who have too many toes or fingers, we support you 100%. We just don't want to see it.

I didn't want you to shop at my stores, and I don't want you to eat at my restaurants, but I acknowledge that you exist. Order to go, we'll deliver it. You know, if you're going to call it Henry's Pizza, you shouldn't only sell hamburgers. Another bid-ender for Holden McNeely. That's great, Julie.

They call me the bid-ender. Very good. Henry's Pizza also sells gyros. Muscle slices. Thursdays onizzas also sells gyros. Muscle slices. Thursdays on NBC. All right, Marcus. What's the next news story? I got a local one.

Oh, no. From here in Brooklyn, cops investigating an animal cruelty case in Brooklyn's Prospect Park found a man roasting a guinea pig over a roaring fire Saturday morning and deemed it perfectly legal. It is? Why wouldn't it perfectly legal. It is?

Why wouldn't it be legal? The early morning gourmand was roasting a guinea pig, which is a delicacy in Peru and other South American countries. The man, who is not named, is from Ecuador. You want to see a picture of him? Let's see. We won't name him, but they'll show a picture of him cooking a guinea pig.

At least he skinned it. He knows how to cook it properly. That's fine. It's actually called kwee. C-U-Y. Kwee, kwee, kwee. That's the noise they make. Kwee, kwee.

People buy guinea pigs to feed the snakes. Why can't we eat them? I hate guinea pigs so fucking much. Is it because the one that died? Because of all the ones we had. I would rather eat it. It probably tastes pretty good. There's not of all the ones we had. I would rather eat it. It probably tastes pretty good. There's not a lot of heat on it.

I've had it before. Have you? I have Ecuadorian friends, and I've researched a little bit. Apparently, they wouldn't survive without human help. They've been bred just to be part of a food source. They're fucking idiots. The Incans had them as a food source

and used them for sacraments. Are they tasty? They're pretty good, yeah. But aren't they bigger down there? They're pretty large, yeah. But they also love bigger down there? They're pretty large, yeah. But they also, like, love them, too. They have all kinds

of long-haired ones. They put bows. They have pageant trees and shit. Ew, clothes on them? It's probably sometimes, yeah. But then they cook the shit out of them.

That's fine. And they run around everywhere. If you go up to, like, a village in the mountains, like, all the places, they're just guinea pigs goddamn everywhere. Isn't that exciting?

You know, if you go to Peru and you put a little fucking, like, guinea pig feed up inside of your asshole, they'll just run right up there and give you a fucking orgasm. Put some cocoa leaves on their nose for it. Oh, they die in there and then you just kind of pull them out with a string tied to one of them. So is that like a fat Italian man? What's that? Guinea pig.

Oh. Why do we call them guineas? I'm not sure. The Italians? Yeah, what's the origin? We learned about the origin of beaver in Two Book Minimum. I don't know why we call them guineas. I think there's an island.

Oh, New Guinea. It's like a Sicily island. Yeah, but New Guinea's down yonder. Yeah. It's not going to over yonder. It's on the rapist island called Australia. Oh, yeah, where they Guinea's down yonder. Yeah. We're talking about over yonder. It's on the rapist island called Australia. Oh yeah, where they're covered in spaghetti sauce.

What? Someone has blood from the raping. I ain't gonna lie. Not bad at all. Yeah, you never know where these racial slurs come from. It refers to... Actually, Guinea is... That is... What is it? Offensive two ways.

Oh. Thank God. I like that. It refers to the Guinea coast of Africa, and it is a way of implying that Italians aren't white people. Sicilians. Oh. That's what it is. It's a way of saying, no, they're not white.

They're black. And that is bad. Man. Isn't that exciting? Only to some people, not to all, Marcus. Who thinks they're not white, they're black. And that is bad. Man, isn't that exciting? Only to some people, not to all, Marcus. Who thinks they're white? Yeah, they're not white. Italians think they're white.

Guineas think they're white. Well, yeah, they think they're white. But another theory says that the early Italians who wanted ways to get money here in America, they would just sit on, they'd walk around just saying Guinea, Guinea, Guinea all the time because Guinea was a British term for money, for British money. Oh, so they were greedy. So they were the Jews of Britain. No, no, no, they were just, they were looking for work.

Can we look up Wapendago, too, while we're at it? We can look up all of them. Well, you also know why Italians are called Tony all the time, why their names are in Tony. It's because they'd stamp them with a 2NY, 2 New York on their fucking shirts and throw them on a boat over here. Oh.

They roll their skin in fucking meatballs or whatever and they comb their hair with a fucking marinara sauce. God damn it, Anthony. God damn it, Anthony. Why you gotta,

why you gotta be fucking your sister? Eh, because she's got to pick my nose. Oh, fuck, my breasts are on fire. Oh, let me put it out with some of my piss.

That's so stupid. Fucking Italians. That's so stupid. It comes from the southern... Just a gnocchi to rape. Just a gnocchi. Gnocchi. My penis out of your far below. Staynocchi. My pen ain't inside of your farfulla.

Say lasagna to better feel ya. Hey, next thing you know, I rape her. Next thing I know, hey, my husband or wife finds control. You should be a cop. Well, the term wop comes from the southern Italian dialect term woppo, meaning thug. Also derived from Spanish woppo, meaning thug. Also derived from Spanish woppo, which means handsome,

but in French means ruffian or pimp. Wait, who is that? Wops? Yeah, it's the Italians. The Italians. Yeah, they're wops. I didn't know it was spelled W-O-P. I thought there was an H in there for some reason.

Well, I thought it was because Italians' balls are so big, so when they walk down the street, they go, Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop. I've seen them hanging out the shorts. It's like two giant, the bigger meatball. The bigger meatball. The swing of a basketball.

It's a meat. I'm out of here. That's what they do. And how, oh, Dago is spelled differently than I thought it was. You should say, Wop Dago, right? You could, or you could just say one or the other. They get it.

Does this officially make the episode like not be bad? You're such a dick. Wap, wap, wap. We should start calling them gnocchis. Everyone likes gnocchi.

Yeah, fluffy and peely. What's up with Diego? Don't know. No one knows? It's just a fun thing. I've seen one guy named Diego a long time ago. Hey, what's up, guys? He's like, this guy fucking sucks.

Fuck this guy. Let's call him all that. Fucking Diego's. Yeah. I agree. It's just Diego. It's not Diego. Diego's Spanish.

We just keep saying racial slurs. No, we're not saying them. We're finding out their origin. I went to the bathroom. What happened when I was gone, Marcus? We're learning about wops and dagos. We know what a wop is. No one knows what a dago is.

But everyone knows that both are Italian. Dago means wife thief. All I know is they killed Jesus, and I'm still mad. I get you so mad. That's not right. That's not right, I don't think, there. They fucking nailed him that cross

like it was their fucking charcuterie plate. And then he slifs off sheets off of him like he's fucking prosciutto. And that's not cool because that Jesus was gay and he should have been left alone to fucking marry his husband. Absolutely.

All right. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Well, back to the guinea pig story. The reason why the cops came is because somebody thought that he was actually eating a squirrel. Oh, that means don't fucking eat a squirrel. Not in my city. It is illegal to hunt or trap squirrels in city parks. was sitting there

watching a man first of all that's a guinea pig just stuck on the end of a shovel who was sitting there just watching a man roasting what he thought

was a squirrel and he's like I better call the police because he's got a squirrel on his stick. A squirrel? Eat a squirrel? You hungry squirrel?

Let him do whatever the fuck he wants to do. This is in New York. Luckily it's not a fucking 10 year old girl on the stick that's because there's fucking

park slope and they're all like oh my god I'm gonna have to report this fucking bar they don't have a valet service for my stroller like they're shitty people

they show up and they're just that's what happens that's right we should hire this guy to cook a bunch of guinea pigs for us I don't want to hear

him die though it's rough no you can't hear me put him in a sack. It haunts your dreams? What have you heard? Oh, shit. Oh, man.

Squirrels are covered in Philadelphia fever. A million guinea pigs. You can't just be running around anyway. So, let's see. Why did they make the eating of squirrels illegal? I think they were just trying to make the whole place an actual society. They're a nuisance. They're not allowed to hunt inside the city limits.

Yeah. There'd be people with guns and shit. Yeah, but who's using like a fucking musket to shoot a goddamn squirrel? He's a little 22. A little belly popper.

Yeah, well, you could use a BB gun to kill. Yeah, but now the BB guns are illegal. What about a... BB guns are illegal. What if you accidentally

step on a squirrel? It dies. Can I eat it? You're not hunting it or? It dies. Can I eat it? You're not hunting it or trapping it. Can you eat it? Probably not. No, you can never eat a squirrel. If I'm fucking mayor in 2019, I am changing this rule.

We're calling this episode Philadelphia Fever. I call for a final solution to this squirrel problem. Rounds them up. I use the kicks. Pig Nazi, squirrel Nazi. You're all Nazi. Oinkwich. Oinkwich. Actually, what the actual

law is. Pig sandwich, oinkwich. The law is no person shall within any park chase, wound, trap, hunt, shoot, molest. Molest? Molest did a squirrel.

What are you in for? Murder, rape. Oh, molest did a squirrel. He was asking for it. Or, and this is actually part of the rules, throw missiles at. Can't throw missiles at a squirrel. I guess a missile is a catch-all term for rock or radio. Yeah, pen or...

If a cop tries to tell me that I can't fucking throw an acorn at a squirrel, then I'd like to see him in court, and he will have to try to attempt to arrest me, because I will be making quite a scene. Well, then you've got to arrest it for resisting arrest. Sanctuary! That's what I would be

yelling in the middle of the fucking park. Sanctuary! That's what I would be yelling in the middle of the fucking park. Sanctuary! You gotta do that in a church. Oh, Henry, did you know that I call my dick a missile because it blows bitches up? That's an untrue statement. I think he did know.

He told me that earlier before we came in here. Yeah, actually. No, it's not. It's not a missile. Did Lexi go, like, recently? Or is that how long has it been since Lexi's left? Yeah.

Oh. Oh, do you not know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, she's moving out. Yeah. Yeah, she's moving out. That's why she gave me, like, that really long hug. Yeah.

Yeah. Touch you ever so gently on the cheek. Look at you in the eyes. She was like, I have to go perform in my play. And I was like, but you didn didn't you're not in a play yeah this play is called Gone Forever I love that play

I know that play I know a couple of women in it and now it's time for a segment from Lupe Rodriguez. Lupe, what do you see me on the live tweet?

Holden McNally. Best seller, Summer Reads. Pick a book, it's a ookie cookie. It's totally different than a book. You say ookie cookie? Ookie cookie is when you come on a saltine cracker and this one has to eat it. It's called an ookie cookie.

There's a name for that? Yeah, ookie cookie. It's anokie-cookie is when you come on a saltine cracker and this one has to eat it. It's called an ookie-cookie. There's a name for that? Yeah, ookie-cookie. It's an ookie-cookie. Yeah, we all know it. We just call them as cookies. It's not what gay people do. I just call them delicious. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's what frat boys do. What group of straight men would all dare each other to eat each other's cum? Just because you weren't cool in high school, Henry, doesn't mean you know what an ookie-cookie is. It's a straight dude thing. The punishment is that you gotta eat the cookie. I'm not even volunteering for a game where even

in a remote possibility I gotta eat a bunch of You don't have any friends. Yeah, you don't know what friendship is. You gotta sit around and fucking play some Smash Brothers, bro.

Maybe fucking I love how the last person to come has to eat the cookie. That's the whole thing. You gotta come The straightest guy there has to eat the cookie. That's the whole thing. You've got to come up with it. The straightest guy there has to eat the cookie. That's the punishment.

Okie-cokie. So do we want to do summer reads or do we want to do new racial slang words for white people? I have a really good summer read so could I personally do summer reads? Okay, let's do summer reads.

Let's do summer reads in honor of the death of Two Book Minimum. Oh yeah, definitely. Because we were all on Two Book Minimum today which is airing its last Because we were all on Two Book Minimum today, which is airing its last episode next week. Go to cavecomedyradio.com.

Do you have the last episode of Two Book Minimum with the roundtable of gentlemen? Now, is it true that because Dan Wilber has Philadelphia fever and he's entering into hospice this week? Yeah. He looks pretty bad, yeah. Yeah. He's so sick.

But he's thinner than he's ever been. That's a plus. But still not very thin, though. It is kind of funny that the big spokesman for AIDS is literally called Magic Johnson. Yeah. Right? Well, that's why he doesn't have it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing is that he got it from a guy named Bad Luck Cock. Bad Luck Cock is one of my favorites, though. All right, summer reads. Oh, shit. All right. Why is he so fat and not dead? My Summer Ead ad is about a hard-boiled detective novel

about a detective named Frank Tits. And he's got to solve a crime. All the women have stopped jerking it. And he needs to solve it. Someone got murdered. A big, mean man got murdered.

Did you plan this? Or is this all made up? Because it seems like magic. It's like when a herald comes together. Did they write this before? A big, strong man got murdered. Sexually. Sexually killed. If Penguin was here, you'd be so rich.

Because if a penguin was here, I'd be like, Get back to the zoo, you bitch! So anyways, a big man got murdered and all the women are... You know what? And then the second chapter I'm like, no, the women are fine, actually. Let's not go through all the chapters.

It's a horrible detective novel featuring a protagonist named Frank Titz and a big mean man got murdered. And a big mean man got murdered.

And it turned out that Frank Titz did it. Oh shit. He's investigating the murder that he committed? Yes. It's kind of interesting. And a velociraptor

learns how to read. Yeah okay. Clever girl. Clever girl. velociraptor learns how to read. Yeah, okay. Clever girl. Clever girl. And he learns how to read, and he reads the actual book that you're reading, and it blows your mind. You're like, whoa, he's reading the book I'm reading.

That made me mad. That made me mad. All right, very good. Oh, and by the way, two alternate names for ooky cookie that we got off the chat. Nasty Nate says that they called it Butter the Bread. Okay. And Chris from Sweden said there they call it Jerk Off the Bun.

That's more direct. It doesn't count if you play with your family, though. What? I think it counts double, really. Oh, yeah. What's your book called, Holden? Oh, it's called Boy Makes Money Holden? Oh, it's called... Boy Makes Money. What? What is it?

Boy Makes Money. Boy Makes Money. Oh, wow. Very good. Oh, so that totally ties in. Boy Makes Money, great, yeah. That's a great fucking detective novel. Subtitle.

Don't you fucking even. Don't you fucking even. Just don't you fucking even don't you fucking even just don't you fucking even kind of a title that kind of loses itself Henry what book are you reading this summer? Jackie's Gotta Pee

this song no that's the name of my book Jackie's Gotta Pee it's all about how Jackie has to pee and I excuse you in chapter one

to go piss ooh summer read damn Ben did he get out of his turn that way? damn Ben yes he did Jackie's got to pee. It's all about how Jackie has to pee, and I excuse you in chapter one to go piss. Ooh, that's pretty good. Summer Reed? Damn, Ben. Did he get out of his turn that way? Damn, Ben. Yes, he did.

That was amazing. He not only didn't go ahead of time that he was actually supposed to go, but he did it fucking lightning fast. Yeah. You might want to just give it to him just because that's a fucking anomaly. I wasn't paying attention.

What did he say? Jackie has to go pee. It doesn't matter. It was dumb. It doesn't matter. It was dumb. It doesn't matter. It was bad. It was stupid. What is your book, and will you be using a pseudonym as the author name?

Yes, my pseudonym will be Gay Charles. That's not right. But it's G-A-Y-E, and it'll be a lady's name. Because gay is a lady's name for a woman that is just too much fun to be around. Seems like you have some anger towards women. I'm just saying gay is her name. It's the woman that I am. Seems like you're angry at women because of your past romantic situations.

Did he go through a breakup? No. This is going to be a period drama where it takes place in the third week of a month every month. And Gay Charles, I write as myself as my own thing. And the thing is that

yes, I have my menses once a month. And so I'm writing it and it's just like at the time, it's sort of like a werewolf story. Your moon blood. Yeah, the moon blood comes, and I get real grumpy. And then what happens is, I think, is it might turn into a werewolf.

It happens every month, and I'm just like, ooh, maybe I'm a werewolf. It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. Yes, but the thing is that every chapter, the whole time, it's just like, I feel weak. Right. Because what happens is I meet a group of basketball players that played for the L.A. Lakers during the 80s in New Orleans. And we have a bit of a pass around party, right?

Where I don't, and it's a no oven mitt required type thing. What's an oven mitt? No condoms. No condoms. I thought that was something you grabbed hot plates. No, no, no, no, no, no. It means no condoms in orgy talk. I didn't know that.

And I'm having sex with a guy with a hair lip, and he's just like, I'm going to slide it in. And she's got fucking Philadelphia fever. She's got AIDS at the end of it. Oh, I see. That's a big reveal. Intense, yeah. That's great. I read that last summer. What? Dinosaurs? the end of it. Oh, I see. That's a big reveal. Intense, yeah. That's great. Are there any dinosaurs in it?

What? Dinosaurs? There's a Triceratops, but it's just a man in a Triceratops costume. All right. That's great. Kind of a gay garden.

Miss Rosing. Oh, check. Do you want to go? What is your first name? My first name? It's Julie. Her name is Julie Rosing. Did you forget Julie?

Did you forget Ed's girlfriend's name? I may not have. You remembered her last name. We've met several times. So many times. So many times. But you did forget Ed's girlfriend's name? I may not have. You remembered her last name. We've met several times. So many times. So many times. But you did forget Ed's girlfriend's first name.

No, no, no. I remembered her last name is what I did. Yeah? What? Unbelievable. Eight months they've been dating. Wow, you're such a dick. Eight months at a time.

What is your book for the pleasure of reading? Okay, so I guess my book's about the pigs that are left over in Ohio. Left over pigs. They found the woods and they're trying to find their way out. They end up eating each other. Okay, I like that twist.

It's one of those things. It's alive with pigs. And you know what? That's what we'll call it alive with pigs alive with pigs oh and then if you're a pig and you have to eat other pigs

you're always eating good wonderful story you saw the movie of but with pigs oh and but just so you know the name of my book was called A Gay Story

everybody laughed there so you know that was good my book was called Man Makes Money Boy Makes Money Boy Makes Money that's the sequel yeah Man Makes Money. Boy Makes Money. Boy Makes Money. Yeah, Man Makes Money is part two.

Yeah, that's part two. Because you love those rabbit books. And it'll be a movie so people actually watch it. Yeah. Woman Makes Money is a transition story.

Yeah, I hate watching it. I hate when a book is like all these pages and stuff. I gotta sit and I gotta read it. I like it when a book is four minutes long

and it's got a woman opening her legs and it's a dude having sex with her. I've read that book, man. It's fucking so cool. Jackie, some people say you're a bitch. Some people say you're a dog. No, they don't say that.

Some people say you have shit in your eyes. You can't see the truth. Everyone else doesn't know you. Untrue, Jackie. Nobody says that about you. They always say you're true. I've never heard that. Why are you saying that?

That's not the question. The question is not about what everyone calls you. What do they call her? Some people say she's a toy store for fucking sad men. You know what I've heard is that Jackie's got a fucking attitude problem. Interesting. I'm going to piss all over the table. Oh my goodness.

And then you're all going to fucking see. That is an attitude problem. Jackie, what are you putting on that? Big hard bone for a wolf in sheep's clothing. My name's going to be Darkette Flemings. D-A-R-Q-U-E-T-T-E. I'm immediately loving that. So basically it is about a lone cattle rancher. He's obsessed with bones.

He's obsessed with taxidermy. He lives in the middle of Texas. He's out there alone. He's in the middle of fucking nowhere Texas. And all of a sudden this beautiful tall goddess, black, beautiful woman comes up to his door and she says my car is out of gas i just need a little bit of help will you let me in now this is the kind of town it's not made for just beautiful black women to be walking around he doesn't feel that way but it's just not that kind of town he doesn't see the car but so she's obviously been walking for a while so So he lets her in,

and he's got all these bones all over the place. He's like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm here by myself a lot. That's just my bones. And she sees a taxidermy, and the rest of the time, she's completely silent. He doesn't really know why. Why would anyone be bothered by that?

He didn't have any gas, but he could take her to the next town the next day. So he makes her some dinner, and he's like, well, I have an extra cot. You know, you can sleep on the cot. Maybe have some spaghetti. She doesn't really talk. He doesn't know why, and he starts looking at her, and he's just like, you know, she's beautiful. If I could just see her bones, if I could just see inside of her.

All he wants to see. If I could just see inside of her all he wants to see. If I could just He's just a curious little monkey. He hasn't been around a woman in so long and he's just got the cows and he loves the cows but it's just great but there's not a woman. Yeah and it's just, it ends up being

this few tumultuous silent days with this woman of just erotic foreplay and he uses the bones in ways he never thought he would use the bones. I'm hearing James Taylor. Should I be hearing James Taylor? Sure.

Oh, Mexico. Mexico. Adios, Mexico. He says, I just have to know. Where is this car? Where did you come from? Why can't you speak? What is the, what's, you're such a mystery.

And she hooves out on the table. Turns out she's a trans mammalian. Oh. And she is a cow that has become a woman. Isn't that fun? Every time I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself. And they live together there forever with Silent Black Woman. She has udders.

He didn't understand why. She got out of that town, became a woman, came back to him. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I hear the earth move. Oh, no, that's two. That's two. I love that song, though. I'm out of it.

All right. My story is called Human Centipede, and it's all about the man who wants to pee 100 feet. You had yours. You did it. And it's very, very important. It's the story of a man who finally drinks enough alcohol and liquor and booze and beers and water and whatnot

to finally pee 100 feet, and he sets the world record as human centipede. Okay. Chesley? I want to hold your hand. We're going to save the worst for last, so that's Eddie. finally pee 100 feet, and he sets the world record as human centipede. Okay. Chesley? I wanna hold your hand. We're gonna save the worst for last, so that's Eddie.

Now, Chesley... I know it's gonna be pretty bad, so we'll be honest. Several people on this podcast have passive-aggressively accused you of being gay. No, I didn't do that. No, directly, usually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was pretty aggressive. What is your book idea? Well, why would that be the segue into the book idea? I just thought it would, you know, to introduce, to remind everyone. Yeah, who Gay Chesley is. Yeah. But you have a fiance, right?

Is it a man? No, we're just banging on the regs. It's a woman, but she's... Yeah, it's just a woman hotter than any of us have ever gotten. Baby. She's kind of gay, and I'm kind of gay, and we figured out in the middle. Oh, that's sweet. She wears the pants. I wear dresses. Well, it's fine oh that's sweet she wears the pants

I wear dresses well it's 2015 women can wear pants exactly and I can wear dresses so fuck that shit right do whatever

give us shit take them chains off them women's man yeah I'm not that not really that gay but the book is called A Giant Bag of Dicks so I don't know

no not really I like that the story is though about again we're gonna go like the animals the guinea pigs, though. And this is after a giant, well, it's like Mad Max-esque, but all the humans have died, but it follows these guinea pigs.

And they're trying to get back down to the Incan temples where they were first bred. But basically the story follows this guinea pig. His name is Max. He basically crawls out of Richard Gere's butthole. That's how it starts, all right? And then he finds, you know,

love along the way and it's like a road trip and it's all, it's like this adventure but it's also supposed to be a commentary on like migration of all the people

that have like migrated from south. Is it like a water ship down type of thing? Like where it's like the guinea pigs but it's like super fucking dark and shit? Oh, it's super dark, yeah. But it's supposed to be, it's also thing where it's like the guinea pigs but it's like super fucking dark

and shit oh it's super dark yeah but it's supposed to be it's also like it's light hearted in a way that if you don't care about dark shit

it's fine if you don't mind about decapitations and penis transplants if you can laugh at that then yeah you'll love it

it'll be fun hearted beach read but they get down there and yeah I think the name is going to be Warren Queez my question though is that you go down to Inca and they finally make it don't they all just get

eaten by the fucking hungry mexicans okay well that's the part of it's like the human is supposed to apocalyptic so what happens is all the uh humans end up dying out they all they all die and then trying to like it's like some sort of weird like cyber attack or emp and everyone's like uh like tricity goes out yeah they're like everyone's just truck then trying to like, it's like some sort of weird cyber attack or an EMP and everyone's electricity goes out. Neutron bomb. Yeah, everyone's just trucking, trying to survive and the guinea pigs are just getting the fuck out of town. Cool.

And so they're trying to fight the humans when they need to. They get around them, try to get home without getting eaten. I wish there was no people. All right. Eddie, your story? Mine is... Your book is called Me Make Shit Shit. Actually, it's very similar to that.

He was about to say poop. It's called Poop Before Nug, the Ed Larson story. Right, we've discussed this before. Yeah, yeah, I finally got done writing it. And basically, it's about how no matter how much you want to smoke weed, take a dump first. Right. take a dump first. Right.

You want to reach the ultimate peace. The ultimate euphoria. No matter how stoned you get if you don't take that poop if you don't take that dump you're going to be sad. I hate when I first spark it. You're going to be stressed out.

Yeah, and I got to take a shit. And I spend the first 25 minutes on my fucking, my du my dude hi it's shit but sometimes you gotta pack a bowl and you gotta just sit on that toilet the problem is it's all written in numbers numbers people can count unfortunate that you wrote it on all those sheets of fucking prosciutto and then you write it in numbers, people can count their way to the end. I thought it was also really unfortunate that you wrote it on all those sheets of fucking prosciutto and then you ate it. Oh, I mean, it didn't... He gave his own book two tens up, and I don't know what.

Two tens up. And he just pointed his hands up like this going, me this much. Me this much. It's about taking that poop before you smoke that nug. I'm with Kissel. I think a nice poop while you're high is pleasant. It is. It relaxes the sphincter.

So it's about pooping while you're on nug. Oh, no, I have tentacles on my head. Oh, it's just hair. Made me, Julie, made me less stupid. I can't. I can't do that. What is your choice for the best summer read? Poop before Nug, the Ed Larson tale, actually.

I never read it. I'd get back in bed. I can't make you less stupid. It's a tale that you make out of your own ass with your poop. We are happy that Julie didn't announce that you were stupid. Come into the bathroom and fix me. Julie, I have a serious question. Which are feet and which are hands?

No, no, no. Take the toilet paper, wipe your ass, get back in bed. It's fine. In the middle of the night, I'm like a buffalo lost in a bedroom. I just tear that place apart. Just stomping around, snorting. Yeah, like a deer caught in a van. The worst way you can't figure out the difference between the kitchen and the bathroom.

Oh, man. I think it's real bad. I hate... It's so hard to cook in the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I say, it's a perfect for a soup. If you put a bunch of hot dogs in the shower, they're still hot dogs. But they're just a little dirtier.

It's wet. That's great. I'm going with... I mean, we. That's great. I'm going with... I mean, we need erotica. I'm going with Jackie's, of course. Yes! That was a beautiful story. Human centipede?

I thought that was... A little cowboy riding on the... I don't know the... All right, let's end this fucking thing. It's a miracle. A two-blue spectacle. A miracle. I want to put this video of you sleeping.

Oh, no, no. I don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear that? No, I don't want to hear it. Okay. I can't believe the fire on the girl's eyes. All right. Everyone watch Heroes on NBC this Thursday.

Heroes? Heroes. I don't want to joke there. This Thursday. All right. Thanks so much for listening. Thank you so much for being here, Julie. Oh, thanks.

Unbelievable. Chesley, thank you so much. Thanks for having me. I love you guys. That is find us on Twitter at RT of Gentleman. And that's Henry Zebrowski. Thank you, Henry. Any tunes?

Download the uncensored version of Jeff Ross Rose Criminals live at Browse's County Jail on iTunes. Pretty please. Enjoy it, man. If you don't have cable, it's fucking worth a watch. Show it to your friends. I'd ask you to listen to All in Talks for 30 minutes if you've already done fucking been listening to it. People are sad about and upset about what you do on that.

Legitimately, people are upset and mad of what you make. And I listen to both. And you know what? I am incredibly sorry that I did. And I listened to both. And you know what? I am incredibly sorry that I did. And go buy our album, The Cowmen. The Cowmen.

The Cowmen. The Cowmen by The Cowmen. Yes. Go buy the cowmen.bandcamp.com. I would like to play Eddie's Sleeping. No. Also, the Rolling Stones

have a couple of deep cuts that are pretty good. I love the Rolling Stones. It's a new band. They're not new. What? Good night, everybody.