The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 247: Gooshy Skwooshy

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

This week on Round Table: a prostitute named Throatzilla exposes a Dallas Cowboy on Twitter, a Florida woman is busted for having sex with a pit bull named 2-face, and police are looking for a man who was caught masturbating outside a Kum & Go. Joining us today: Jermaine Fowler and Nick Vatterott!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We're saying the word to him. What are you guys saying? I'm allowed to say what? That's my word. I was saying something else. What were you saying? Conch.

Conch. The shell that you breathe. Conch shell. Oh man, conch fritters. Give me some. Give it. That's great. Dip it in aioli. Now you're saying it wrong. Aioli. There it is. Danny Give it. That's great. Dip it in aioli. Now you're saying it wrong. Aioli.

There it is. Danny Aioli. Gnocchi. I love Danny Aiello. I met Danny Aiello. You met him? What? I met him. He called me Hollywood.

Story time. Story time. I was doing his comedy club over in... He has a comedy club? Well, he did in Hoboken. And by the way, this is the round table of gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen. We haven't started the show yet. We haven't started the show yet. We haven't started the show yet.

Oh, did we start the show? I thought we had to edit all that out. Welcome to the show. It's the round table of gentlemen. Yay! Yeah. Good lord. She's a c***.

No, you can't say the word. Yes, you can. If there's a c*** in the room, you can say the word c***. Yeah, if she smells like one and she looks like one, then she f***ing is one. I don't like it. All right. Danny Aiello, he nicknamed me Hollywood, and he said you're going to be super successful. So he nailed it.

Nailed it, Danny. All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Why are you looking at me like that, Jackie? I'm just listening. That's my listening face. That's your listening face? Yes.

It looks like you hate me. No, no, no, no, no. I got resting bitch face. That's your listening face? Yes. It looks like you hate me. No, no, no, no. I got resting bitch face. You're here? I got resting cunt face. Yeah, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I rest my cunt face. You're on your

I rest my cunt face. Do you have to bleep us out every time we say that word? Nah. She's a cunt. I'm gonna let y'all drown on this one. We're allowed to say that word? Nah. She's a c**t. I'm going to let y'all drown on this one. We're allowed to say c**t. Yes. You're allowed to say it.

You have to make the power out of it. Marcus, can you please bleep out everyone else saying the word c**t? Tease up, and she's a c**t.

That's too much work for him. What are you guys saying? All right, Ed Larson isn't here. He's busy at a wedding eating all their food. Nick Vanner,

you're replacing him. Yeah, I took over Ed's spot. Let me know how I do. Actually, don't tell me. I don't. Man, Ed at this wedding, he's meeting all of his girlfriend's family this weekend and it's, I can't wait

to see the pictures. He's dressed nice? Oh my god, I hope he's... Oh yeah, he dresses real nice. I hope he's wearing like a tan and taupe tuxedo because, like a pig. No! Just like a little stuffed pig, like in a little tuxedo with a bow tie. No, he has a shiny gray suit that makes him look like a huge fucking juguito. And I've never seen a juguito before and I really appreciate it. But that's the thing, no matter how good he dresses, like he won't look trustworthy.

No, no. He looks old school evil. But he looks nice. Yeah, he does look old school evil though. I love it. Alright, well thank you for being here, Nick. Thank you for having me.

I'm glad you don't smell like baloney. I can make that happen. Alright. Obviously holding you on your lips. Oh, baloney. We'll skip over that.

Yeah, what's up? Saying what's up to all my fucking fans and all my friends out there. Let's do it for another year, boys and girls. Yeah. Did we mention this on the last episode about when you went to the doctor

and he told you to not eat hamburgers anymore? Yeah. No, he said, okay, this is... All right, it's cholesterol. Hamburgers are... I got today, I felt real bad. I got from this restaurant, I ordered delivery,

and it was boneless fried chicken and biscuits and gravy with bacon on it. Just covered in gravy. Yeah, yeah. And I ordered extra bacon on the side because I didn't know they would throw in bacon

into the gravy. And it was literally just a mush. And it was amazing. I threw hot sauce all over it and ate the shit out of it. But I felt like a fucking pig, guys. You're cholesterol. It's just like,

where is your foresight? Yeah. I was like, ooh, it was called like fried chicken delight or something like that. So I got it. Where is your foresight? I was like, ooh, it was called like fried chicken delight or something like that, so I got it. Did you have black parents? Why do you eat it?

I mean, it sounds great. It was a soup, dude. It was a soup. It was fucking crazy. Anyways, I ate the shit out of it, though. Okay, so you didn't listen to your doctor at all? No, no, whatsoever. He didn't say I was gonna fucking die or nothing. Yeah, he did by definition. That is sort of like you will die if you keep on.

When I'm like 60 or some fucking early old age. Did you see a doctor immediately? Or was this like already a schedule? No, I finally went, got all the blood work done. Have you done that shit, dude? No, I have to go in July. I'm so scared. Oh, yeah.

Get stoned before you go. Yeah, that's a great idea. Super neat disease. Yeah, man. Get stoned before you go. Yeah, that's a great idea. Super neat disease. Yeah, man. See if you can figure it out. For those wondering, Jermaine Fowler is here. Oh, hey. Thank you so much.

I'm here because Kevin had to drop off my headphones, so yeah. Yeah, but Barnett, though, not here at all. No, I just, Kevin, or Jermaine was talking, so that is who is speaking is Jermaine Fowler. You're doing great. You're connecting all the dots. Thank you very much. People know Kevin you're here

Oh I'm here man I am here I went to the dentist On Friday First time in years How many cavities? I feel so fucking clean No cavities

Are they cleaning them? I am chilling They cleaned them man Cleaned them They gave me x-rays They said Nigga you look good It was beautiful

I don't know There's some cool ass doctors How do you not have cavities? Not one This dentist I go to beautiful I don't know they're some cool ass doctors but it was like how do you not have cavities not one this dentist I go to and I haven't been in years because I haven't had

insurance years but I started going to when I first moved they literally just like the coolest dentist it's all for these cool ass Asians that got dope hair

and you go in there what kind of dope hair are we talking about dope Asian hair you know what I'm talking about what is straightness yeah it's all tight

it's got like little spikes yeah animated like animated characters but you know you go to the dentist Dope Asian hair. You know what I'm talking about. What is straightness? Yeah, it's all tight. It's got like little spikes. Yeah, yeah. Anime. They look like anime characters. But you know, you go to the dentist and they like yell at you for like how you're not flossing right

and all this shit. But these people, I'm like, yeah, they want me to floss but I got this like permanent retainer and I got to thread the things. Oh yeah, fuck that shit, dude. He's like, fuck that shit, dude.

He literally said that. That shit's so hard to do, man. Fuck that. Look, just come here. You come here once or twice a year. We'll give you like half off if you want some time. You have a permanent retain twice a year. We'll give you like half off if you want. You have a permanent retainer?

Yeah, I got a permanent retainer in my body. What is wrong? Right now? Really? Isn't it? You've always had it? Yeah. Since like seventh grade.

That's it. I never, I'm sorry. I didn't know he didn't see it. Everybody here have braces? No, I have braces. Definitely not. My doctor was African. He's mean as fuck. He told me, he opened my mouth. He here have braces? No. I have braces. Definitely not. My doctor was African. He's mean as fuck.

He told me, he opened my mouth. He goes, ha, ha, ha. I was like, what? He has little teeth. I was like, oh, he's got teeth. You do have little teeth. He's got tiny teeth. He's got little teeth.

He's got tiny, tiny teeth. I mean, that is the word. What a boy. You're not supposed to comment on size, though. Oh, man. If it was for a physical, he's just like, you got a little ball, you got little balls, you got a tiny dick, you got a micro... Just don't talk about it.

Yeah, baby teeth. Have you ever seen Henry's teeth, though? You ever really look at Henry's teeth? No, no. Tiny ass teeth, man. It looks like he's got a Pez dispenser inside of his mouth. It's good to have tiny teeth, but if you have bigger gums, then you look like a fucking piranha.

You can't be a gums. Let me see your gums. He's got good gums. Good gums. They're relative. It's like scale. It is a difficult life when you have the gummy smile.

I feel very bad for those people. It's hard. Kevin's gums are very pink. Yeah, healthy gums, man. Healthy gums. He's got good gums. He's got good gummage, man. Oh my God.

This shows how much we've aged since we began the podcast. That now we have 15 minutes of doctor talk. My hip pops when I go up the stairs. Hey, God, don't get me started. My crotch.

Anybody here didn't have the experience of having braces and getting hit in the mouth of the basketball has no idea what pain is, man. That was a fucking nightmare, man. It's just, there's no way to

keep your lips from rubbing against these metal bars after they've been cut open. Not at all. It was a kid going, hey, fuckhead, and throwing the ball at my face. God, I would have been such good friends with the kid who threw that ball. I was off to the side playing hacky sack. Ew. Why don't you get the braces behind

your teeth? Some people can do that. I don't know. Maybe that's new. I I mean I had the old It was just old time You had the big Yeah I got to choose The colors of the rubber bands Like that Fucking made things better for me

I have crooked teeth Cause I used to In Maryland we eat a lot of crabs And shit But I thought I could Break the meat out of a pencil And it broke this tooth Like for a long time

That's why it's so fucking small I break all my teeth Cause I try to chew Just eating bones and stuff. You're just trying to eat through bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin calls me a lizard. He calls me a gecko.

His teeth are so small, like sharp, but he looks like the Goombas in the Mario movie. Oh, yeah. That's right. But you're not tall enough. Oh, man. No, no, no.

I guess a little Goomba. Baby Goomba. Baby Goomba. People were very upset with the interpretation of the Goomba in the Mario film. Yeah. People did not like the Goomba. Baby Goomba. People were very upset with the interpretation of the Goomba in the Mario film. I did not like the Goombas, the way that they created them. They were dinosaur-ish. They had little heads, big shoulders.

Yeah, they danced in the elevator, remember? And they shouldn't be dancing. Goombas look like turds with feet. And they made them look like aliens. Even Yoshi. I liked the way it didn't smile and have an egg. It was scary. It was a dinosaur. Which is what it was smile and have an egg. It was a dinosaur.

Which is what it was, but it wasn't. It was a fucking cartoon. We're just rude to kids. It was a dark nightmare of a film. I still liked it, though. I thought it was fun. I wonder if the internet would have been full of rage because John Leguizamo played an Italian.

I wonder if that would have been a problem nowadays. He's French? He's French-American. He's French. What's that? He's French-American. Yeah, he's French. Yes. What? He's not German. You fucking little baby goomba.

Gotcha. Oh, my God. Got him. That's a Vatterat goof. I thought he was... Typical. Got him again. Watch out.

He's... Man. Baby goomba. Just started Internet Pranks YouTube channel. Watch what you're drinking. That's my new show. Watch what you're drinking. That's my new show. Watch what you're drinking.

Did you just roofie my drink? Uh-oh. My jizzy's got roofies in it. Where's the house? Wait, you were in Cake Prank. Ah, I was in Cake Prank. You're that guy from Cake Prank. Ah, you got me.

I roofied your water. I roofied mine, too. Nothing would happen. We'd just be taking naps together. Yeah. A different show. I prank you. I roofied mine, too. Nothing would happen. We'd just be taking naps together. Yeah. A different show. I prank you. I prank me.

That sounds like a date rape kind of thing, though, really. More of a date rape than a prank. But I guess we clarify things differently when the cameras are on. All right. Is your camera in here? No, but for his show. Get the camera out of here. That's what I say.

You are not ever going to be on camera. All right, thank you. Well, I don't know. These guys put me on camera. They love to put me on camera. They put you in the back. You did it twice. Okay, have we talked about...

We've talked about that. Okay, good. Yes, we have. We did close April's Top Hat. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yes, we've talked about it on two or three different shows.

Oh, cholesterol? No. No, how disgusting you are when you see food in a buffet form. Yeah. Oh, the way I pile it on. Put it on two or three different shows. Oh, cholesterol? No. No, how disgusting you are when you see food in a buffet form. Yeah. Oh, the way I pile it on, put it on the plate. You have to pile it on.

Eyes get too big for the head. People who do that, because it's still going to be there when you finish your original plate. Right, stay away from the mashed potatoes, stay away from that mac and cheese. Yeah, but what if the pasta salad is gone? I need at least three helpings of pasta salad.

Oh, they will be there. It's a buffet. You don't have to pile it. Man, you've never been to a Sizzler with my family. I just love, you know, like the friends of people, the whole cast. Obviously, they have some friends come in and some strangers. But I'm sure they know exactly when Jermaine or Kevin have extras or background people. Or, dare I say, glorified pseudo-stars come in because we just eat all the fucking food immediately.

And they're like, Jermaine and Kevin, we just can't. We don't have it in the budget. We cannot have you bring your fat friends to the shoot anymore. Just please stop. I had so many lollipops and shit. That was the fun shit. You were disgusting. It's that extra to the gum and shit that they have.

It's extra side stuff. I think we were in Bronx, and we did one sketch. And during lunch break, Ed and Ben, they both sat on two chairs. That's right, yeah, he had to use two chairs. Yeah, in Staten Island. So we did a great shoot. It's the California Raisin sketch. We discussed it on Top Head as well.

But briefly, during lunch, Ed and I went. And we had a normal amount of food. Eddie had a little bit more than I did. But I think I made up for it at the end. And at one point, we realized, combined, two of us were sitting on four chairs. And then I was like, I think we're sitting on two chairs each. You didn't realize you sat up until someone said, hey, y'all sitting on two chairs. Oh, here we are. We are sitting on two chairs.

It was natural for you to sit on a sofa of a chair. The Lucas brothers are sharing one chair. Kevin, you know. Oh, my goodness. It was natural for you to sit on a sofa of a chair. The Lucas brothers are sharing one chair. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. It was great. I've never seen that at a dinner table before. It was an accident. That's how big we are.

Anyway. The greatest thing is like some of like just the random actions were worse. Like remember last year there was that Spanish dude and we were shooting. I think it was we were shooting the Bronx again. And then we had, you know, they had the food or whatever. And it was like there's shit left over and they would use it for we had, you know, they had the food or whatever. And there's like, there's shit left over. And they would use it for whatever. They'd put it in the crafty table or whatever.

And I'm sitting there in the whatever room. And the guy, the extra, who we already thought was kind of weird because he was like singing and like dancing in front of us. He's a weirdo, man. And at one point, someone was in the bathroom just peeing. Like, it wasn't even taking that long. It was one person tall. And he's banging on the door.

Couldn't have been waiting there more than Thursday. Let me in, man. Let me in. I got to go. And then I'm sitting at this table, and he's kind of like lurking around our table for a little bit. And then he reaches over me. Like, he hits me as he's doing it and grabs this giant loaf of bread and just stuffs it in his backpack. And it's sticking out of his backpack.

And then he just leaves. He leaves. He had three baguettes. backpack. And then he just leaves. He leaves. He had three baguettes. I don't think he wrapped them. He put bread in his backpack, naked bread in his backpack, and leaves. And that's probably why he gets extra games

because he needs bread at home. Oh, my God. Fill up on bread. Poor guy. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, it's nice to have an incentive to go to work, and I'll tell you, the craft services on SAG shoots are just unbelievable.

You guys are crushing that life. Friends of the people, check that out. What is it, July 16th? You got candy and chips. Yeah, July 16th, 10.30. 10.30 on TruTV. Check out that show. Let's go to a news story, Marcus.

A Florida woman admitted to taking selfies as she had sex with her pit bull inside her grandmother's house. In the grandmother's house? What position? Well, we'll get to that. It's got to be the doggy style, right? Ashley Miller, 18, was charged with two counts of sexual activities involving animals after Bradenton investigators found the graphic photos stashed on her cell phone. The 18-year-old coaxed her dog, named Two-Face, into licking her vagina between 30 and 40 times over the past five years,

she told police. She also admitted to making her previous dog, a pit bull Rottweiler mix named Scarface, perform oral sex on her as well. Miller told cops that Two-Face lives at her grandmother's house in Bradenton. Each time she wanted to have sex with the dog, she'd lock herself in a bedroom, take off her pants, and call Two-Face lives at her grandmother's house in Bradenton. Each time she wanted to have sex with the dog, she'd lock herself in a bedroom, take off her pants, and call Two-Face over. The pup would, quote,

put her snout into her vagina on her own without Miller forcing her into the act, the teen claimed. Miller said that's where the sex ended. She never touched Two-Face sexually. She was just smelling her pussy. Licking it. But she was 13

at the time of the first pictures then? You know what? I believe so. If we're going from the timeline there. I don't know if this woman needs to be in jail. First of all, this town needs a real crime. That's number one. I think it's pretty

insane that she didn't even use peanut butter. It's hard to get them down there without peanut butter. Why is it always peanut butter? Because it's hard to lick off, so they keep licking, keep licking, keep licking. Yeah, they keep doing it. I would use like a cheese ball. Yeah, but they'll just eat that. But you hide it in there.

You hide it, and then it's looking for it. Oh, so you put a bunch of fucking cheese balls up your pussy. Yeah. Right. It already smells like cheese balls. I don't need any up there. I don't know. I don't feel like this is a crime

as much as it's a beautiful story about a young lady learning about her body with her best friend. It's sad than anything. With Kevin, it's the truth. I was just being in jail for it. She shouldn't be in jail for it. She should stop doing it

and get a fucking boyfriend because in Bradenton, Florida, there's a lot of ugly fucks that will fuck the shit out of her. You know this town in Florida? Yes, I do. Really? You never go to the middle of Florida.

And this is smack dab in the middle of where I live in Orlando. It is in the middle. It is garbage country. There are a bunch of dudes who are older who would love to rape her. You know, I think... Yeah.

Well, she's just laying there with her legs open. Is it rape? I'm not quite sure if that's... It's like docking a boat. Well, I she just laying there with her legs open? Is it right? I'm not quite sure if that's the... It's like docking a boat. Well, I mean, who knows, Jermaine? I'm sure she could find a nice suitable suitor who is possibly going to be a prince one day.

Did you see her face? I didn't see the woman. I haven't seen her yet. Yeah. Yeah, this is a... Talk about resting cunt face. This is her right here. Oh, okay.

She's a bigger girl. She's Florida size. She's 18? Yeah. She's Florida size. She's 18? She's Florida size. I'm Florida size too, but you can get a good looking man. She looks a little bit older. So, I mean, in reality...

She's 18. Yeah, I mean, she looks older than 18. But that pussy about 40, dog. Yeah. Get a snout up in it. Wallpaper that pussy. Yeah, but a dog's mouth

is cleaner than a human's. Right. What does it say about her personality, I think, that she enjoys this Rottweiler mix? She loves it so much. Cops discovered the puppy porn in two hidden folders on her phone. Oh, like other dogs? No, no, no, no. Just the same dog.

One folder was called Two-Face Fun, and the other one was called Me. Can cops just go through your phone and go through your album and charge you with a crime? Yeah, how do they find it? Well, I have two different stories on this, and neither one of them explain why the cops were looking on her phone in the first place. I mean, the dog's in this problem. Right. And also, how do you take the selfie? I mean, I guess, yeah.

Why are you taking a picture of it? Why are you taking a picture of it? Let licking dogs lie where licking dogs lie. You tape it to the tail. You tape the phone to the tail. You put it on a timer. You're like a selfie stick. It's a doggie selfie stick.

It's a waggy stick well the dog's at her grandma's house so she doesn't have full time access to the dog so she needs something when she can't get

to Two-Face yeah she's gotta play with some of the access or maybe it's like a memento situation she forgets everything no memories that'd be hilarious

if you had this short term memory loss you just had to keep finding out that you're a dog fucker over and over again you're just like oh my god, disgusting.

Oh man, that's what I meant to shit. Who am I? Oh yeah, that's right. A rover. I like the guy who reads the article and is like, I was fucking that dog. Two face, more like two timing. It's the heartbreak of finding out the dog you're fucking is living with somebody else's pussy.

What a way to find out. Slutty dog. Slutty dog. What's that? It was a rescue and it happened when it was birthed. I mean, I don't know the history of the dog ownership. The dog is totally fine. We can all agree the dog's doing fine.

The dog's fine. The dog's totally fine. The dog doesn't know it's happening. Yeah, it's just like love and love. Why is the dog not getting penetrated? I'm kind of fine with it. Unwillingly, too. It's like, yeah, it's just licking a pussy.

If it didn't even need peanut butter, it wanted to fucking lick up on that pussy. She said that the dog came right up. No fucking coaxing, no nothing. Apparently, she's got a pussy smell the dogs love. All right, what if you... Everybody does, though. You see dog snouts usually go right to a pussy.

Kibbles and clits and clits and clits. If you woke up getting the best head of your life, you're like, oh, baby, yeah. Then you look down, you're fucking bitches at work, and your dog's fucking doing it. You let it keep going? No.

It is a dog. You know in the movies where a guy's having a dream about his girlfriend giving him a head, and he wakes up and it's only his dog giving him a head? fucking doing it. You let it keep going? No. What? It is a dog. Well, you know like in the movies where like a guy's having a dream about his girlfriend giving him a hand and he wakes up

and it's only his dog. Does that happen to any dude who has a dog? Wait, what movie? What movie? I've seen it. I mean, I've seen it

in a couple of things. It's a trope. The one with Ali G in the house, he does it. Yeah. A bunch of 80s movies do it.

Does that really happen to anybody? I don't think so. I'm sure it happens. I'm sure you might be aroused and you're like, you know, having some sex dream. You wake up and maybe the dog's like laying on it or something and you're like, ugh. I mean, there's been, like if you're like hooking up with somebody and there's a dog in the room, that's how the dog jumps on the bed and tries to like sniff at people's cars.

Yeah, you gotta get it out of the room. There are cats who do it. No, actually cats stay still. For all the people who want to indict this woman and make fun of her in this town, they have to realize how bad must the men be if she's with a dog. I'd choose a dog, too. Yeah, I mean, if you live in this Florida town in the middle of nowhere, a bunch of bumblefuck lunatics,

I mean, if the dog is the best person that can lick your pussy, or the best thing that can lick your pussy, I guess you'd go for it. Well, honestly, I don't think she has any options. I don't think she could. It doesn't sound like it. She's a product of her environment. How bad are the dudes in this goddamn town that forced a woman into dog love? How old was she?

She was 18 when she did this. Oh, well, I mean, she was just a call. This happened last week. All this happened last week, and in fact, she's already back in jail from her release because she was busted last week for allegedly engaging in a sexual activity with the pit bull, but she's back in jail for violating her supervised release, which barred her from having contact with any animals at all. Oh, get a job.

These cops need to leave this woman alone. Out of all the terrible things happening in this country, this woman is not public enemy number one. I think that these cops are bored as shit and they're losers. It's awful because the dog and the cat, she had a cat named Loki and Two-Face. Loki? Loki.

She was an awesome fan. Thank you. But she had nowhere else to go. She only had that place to go back to. So what you going to do? Stay on the street? It's not a pedophile. I mean, you know.

Them cops make me sit like that. Who are we to say that this woman doesn't understand animals in a way that we can't understand? She might whisper to them. Like, you know, like have a gift. But them cops, they got no niggas to beat up. I mean, it's ridiculous. Stop beating me. Yeah, exactly. Leave this poor woman alone. She's trying her best, man.

I mean, I really don't feel as if dog fighters, you know, those people need to be put in jail. Not dog fuckers, you're right. Or animal abusers. She wasn't abusing the animal. If the animal is willingly eating pussy, let the animal willingly eat pussy.

Yeah, man. Yeah, there's a canary that, you know, it picks out the algae from a hippo's ear. It's no different. It's a symbiotic relationship. Yeah, man, symbiotic. They're animal friends. That's all they are.

You know, but this is just sad because now everyone's publicly shaming this woman. She's going through the tartan feather treatment. At the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, she did not do anything nearly as bad as people have done in this country. Also, honestly, this is probably the most she ever would have done with her life. Let's be real here. Sure. I mean, look at this girl.

She probably wasn't going to leave Bradenton. So at least now she's got some popularity. She's like, yeah, I got him. Fuck my person. They say Bradenton men, their eyes are parallel with the tip of their nose. That's how disgusting those men are. I believe it. I mean, she's got to leave her hometown now, though,

right? Because she's the dog fucker chick. Maybe it'll give her a chance to go adventure. Or maybe she'll seek her revenge on all the cops and it'll be like a fucking cool horror movie, you know? What if right now she's getting her pussy licked by a police dog? See, she's moving up

in the world, man. See, this does tell you there's another fact in here. Another small fact that tells you how bored the cops are in Bradenton. They apparently took the pit bull in for,

and this is the only information I have, quote, forensic testing. Jesus Christ. Would she splooge all over a snout? No, they got it high. Is it small?

Bradenton's about 50,000 people. 50,000? These cops should have more to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. It's spread out. It's more cows than anything. Right.

They think cows is people, so a lot of those numbers there is just cows. Yeah. You never go to the middle. Anybody ever abuse a cow before? I've heard of it. Oh my god, in Wisconsin. This is a Wisconsin tradition. About every year

during the summertime, because they like to fuck cows in nice weather, there's always a dude who is caught either inside of a cow or just freshly coming outside of a cow. And they're always drunk and they just can't get enough of them. And why do they come outside of the cow?

You can come inside the cow. Yeah, you're going to knock it up. Is it respect to just come all over her hide? I guess so. But I don't even know if the cows notice. I mean, I'm not sure, but it's very frowned upon. Do you have to stand up on a box or something? I would assume so. But I don't even know what the cows notice. I mean, I'm not sure, but it's very frowned upon. Do you have to stand up on a box or something?

I would assume so. Yeah, you do. Cows and horses, you got to stand up on a box to fuck them. Man, a horse, I wouldn't fuck a horse. No, that's the word.

No, yeah, that's a real bad. But cows don't back kick? I mean, they can, but sometimes they're dairy cattle. Those are the ones they go for. They're a lot more docile.

Maybe the cow likes the extra spots. Maybe. Oh, yeah. White spots. Who knows? Moo, moo, moo, moo. Yeah, that's how you seduce them. It's kind of crazy that it's extremely illegal To fuck a cow

But just like Killing it's totally fine It's encouraged At least fuck him I mean I don't If you fuck him to death That's legal

That's fine You tell me a better way To slaughter this cow Than fucking it to death Dude honestly If you are able To fuck a cow to death You should get a medal

I know man I got gape input Oh my god You should also You gotta open up a restaurant, you know, fucked cow and you go in and be like, oh my god this is the most tender cow I've ever... It died smiling.

Yeah, exactly. Is there any culture that eats cow pussy, like as a dish? Oh, sure. We probably do. Yeah, but does a cow have a pussy or is it just one hole? Marcus? What are you talking about? Does a cow have a pussy? Of course just one hole? What are you talking about? Does a cow have a pussy? Of course it does.

Cows have gigantic pussies. So where's the pussy in relation to the udder and the asshole in between? The pussy is... I've never seen a cow in person. You never shit where you fuck. I believe the pussy is above the asshole. No way. What is going on?

I mean, that would make more sense though. Because the shit goes down. Yeah, because the shit goes down because then the shit Would fill the pussy up and then it would get Yeah yeah yeah yeah I could be wrong Let's ask Google You fucking judge me I know one

I don't fucking know Cow pussy Thank you There's the propulsion system Asshole Moo baby moo That is true cause the shit drops out of a cow Thank you. Above the propulsion system. It's asshole. Moo, baby, moo. That is true, because the shit drops out of a cow like lazy. It shoots out.

There are so many awful. When you type in, is a cow's pussy above its asshole, you don't even want to know what that means. Maybe I don't want to know. You just crashed. Gaybeast.com. Big old joke off. Gaybeast?

It just says cow pussy on the top of the website. Cow pussy, yeah. Well, this is, I believe I have stumbled onto a bestiality website. Okay, yeah, I don't want to see that. You got flagged. What just happened? What did Jackie just see? I have to know.

The biggest of cops coming up to New York. It's a video of a guy fingering a cow. You were already on the video when you opened up the hole. You got that far? It happened real fast. He's a man of his thought. He's massaging into the hole. He's doing the alphabet and shit. I still haven't found a question.

Any kind of pussy you got a double man handle Is rough to watch Imagine having to use two hands On a pussy I mean sure you can choose to use two hands But like the pussy is so big It's so wide It's so fat

It's so long You gotta massage the lips I'm not that ambidextrous to do the finger in the rubby. That's where elbow grease comes from. Yeah. Yeah, you grease up them elbows and you gotta fucking like,

hadouken it. Just fucking like, Ider! That's actually more of a dragon punch. Yeah, yeah. Just dragon punch that pussy. We did watch a video here one time of a girl getting fisted so hard

that the guy was up to his elbow and you could see his fist in her stomach. Like up inside of her. That's hot. That gets me. How's that feel? Have you gotten that far? No, I've definitely gotten...

I've probably gotten past the wrist. That's a magic trick. That's not an illusion. It's a baby punching through. There's a baby in there. There's a baby in there. It's a... There's a baby in there. That's all.

There's a baby in there. Marcus, what did I miss? Nothing. Nothing, really. Oh, okay. They are correct. The asshole is above the vagina. Wow.

It was poor cows. It does. I mean, but I think, if I remember, I've watched a lot of cow shit in my time and I think it shoots out far enough where it doesn't fall

directly into us. That's hippos. Hippos spin the tails. Cows don't spin tails. So do horses and stuff. I think cows do too. No, they don't. No.

No? You're from Maryland. I don't know if you have the corner on this. You're an idiot, Jermaine. He's pursing his lips, though. He's pursing his lips. Ain't got hippos up, Marilyn.

I know. I look. All right. So a woman got her pussy eaten by a dog, and she's arrested, and her whole life is ruined. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's stay in the world. That's a hole.

Just probably five years of it. I hope that she can get past it. She's got Google death, man. Anytime you Google her name from now on, that's going to be... Not only her, but every woman in the world named Ashley Miller is fucked.

There's a lot of girls named Ashley Miller. I know one. Yeah, because you do? I know one from sixth grade, yes. There you go. Ashley Miller is an extremely common name. I didn't know that. Forgotten in a week.

Because Florida keeps topping itself, so I think it's fine. Florida's always fucking over its head. I think it'll benefit her, man. There's going to be a bunch of dudes that find out that she's getting this dog tongue all the time. In other words, have a dog. Dogs find out how to Google? It's going to be crazy. It's going to be called Doogle.

Let's stay in the world of cum for this next one. Arkansas cops are seeking the public's assistance in identifying a pantsless man who was spotted Thursday afternoon masturbating next to a truck outside a convenience store called... It was me! A convenience store called Cum & Go. Finally, it was inevitable. I am the pantsless man. He was doing what was right And cum is spelled K-U-M

That's weird You gotta let him go for the joke man I've definitely probably cum in the bed of a truck before But never on the outside of a truck Yeah you've never fucked in a truck before? You're not actually southern Fucked in a truck? Fucked in a truck?

I'm a bathroom boy I've finger popped a girl in the truck Never fucked in the bed of a truck? Never fucked in the bed of a truck You're not actually Southern. Fucked in a truck? Fucked in a truck? I'm a bathroom boy. I've finger popped a girl in the truck. Never fucked in the bed of a truck? Never fucked in the bed of a truck. You're from Texas. Yeah, I know, but I never did anything more than finger pop the girl.

You fucked in a tree though, right? Fucked in a tree? Yeah. No. You didn't fuck in a tree. Are you from the bounds to fuck in a tree? No, I didn't.

He's from Texas. I figured he fucked in a tree. Fuck in a hole. Texas isn't even known for trees. Yeah, they're like trees. It's a desert. Oh, okay. R tree. Texas isn't even known for trees. Yeah, they're like trees. It's a desert. Oh, okay. Rapping.

Yeah, Texas is known for their rap music. Yeah, did you fuck in a rap room? A rap room? A rap room? Yeah, where the rapists go. Where did the rapists go? Where did the rapists go?

They got a DJ's. They got DJ's in the rapist room and then you go and you take the girls in there. Thank you, Jack. I want to go to the rapist room. Rap room. Flashlight Zone? The rapist room. What are rapists?

Are they rap enthusiasts? I'm a rapist. Oh man, that's great. I'm a DJ rapist. You want to really clarify that there. What was the come and go guy's quote? Do you have anything to say? He got away. Cops are still looking

for him. All they have is a picture? He did not. Well, no. He got away. Cops are still looking for him. All they have is a picture of him. This is him right here. One witness snapped a photo of the man. He wasn't naked, but as soon as he realized someone was watching him, he zipped up his pants, got in his car, and got the fuck out of there. I like that he came on the tire. I don't think he came.

Oh, that sucks. Yeah, I think he had to go. I don't know. I agree with you,aine Fowler. That's why you have a show called Friends of the People that airs on Roo TV. I was doing pretty good. Rappist. Out of all the things that, again, I mean, I don't know.

Without cameras, this story doesn't exist, right? Pretty much. It just happens. It still exists. This is a Bigfoot-esque photo. You're the guy. No, I'm not the guy. It's not like you're trying to get this guy off.

Oh, man, I don't got a car. You got off. It doesn't matter. So he came on. He attempted to come on the side of the... He loved his car. He was masturbating next to the truck. Who knows what he was eventually deciding to come on, whether it was the truck itself or

somewhere else, possibly just the ground. Right, right, right. We don't know. Make a little flower or something there. Yeah, you can make a cum flower. Yeah, a little cum flower. Just a sunflower. That's where cumin comes from.

The popular spice. I mean, if you're a cop, though, right, you sign up, you want to solve murders, you want the next big true crime situation, you want to find the Lee Harvey Oswald of our time. These are really the vast majority of cases are just public masturbators who really didn't hurt anybody. We've all seen one. I mean, everybody in this room

has seen a dude jerking off in public. Wait, hold on, hold on. You haven't? You did? Next to you? I was sitting on the train. People were just staring at me for no fucking reason. I'm like, what the fuck are y'all staring at me for no fucking reason I'm like what the fuck

are y'all staring at me for and I looked to my left there was an old homeless lady with sunglasses on you were probably like oh hell yeah I'm finally famous yeah

it was like four years ago and she was looking at you though staring at me I got off the train immediately it wasn't even my stop it was like how did you feel

when that happened did you feel violated you felt violated yeah cause it wasn't an attractive woman it was an old woman who just had no business

touching a person but if it was a super hot chick you would have been all about it yes I would of course You feel... Violated. You felt violated. Yeah, because it wasn't an attractive woman. It was an old woman who just had no business touching the pool. But if it was a super hot chick, you would have been all about it. Yes, I would. Of course. Double standard. Double standard. No, I'm human. Yes, yes.

I'm a facist. You're a facist. So she was super fat. Did you feel like she reached climate? I didn't think fat at all. Oh, okay. Yeah. She was fat, though.

Yeah, I'm sure. She sounds like she would have been. Did she come? I wasn't there long enough to see, but the whole train, when I left, that train must have seen it come. Oh, my God. So people were looking at you guys? They thought I was with her for some fucking... I was like, no, that's why I left, probably.

You guys together? You two together? You might not sit down, you two together. Put on some tandem cuffs. I'm not with her. But was she definitely staring at you? Yeah, yeah. I remember the face, dude.

She might have had two lazy eyes. How bad would you feel if you found out it wasn't? Nothing to do with you. You're right. You just happened to be next to her. Well, because I wouldn't be flattered if she was looking at me fingering. I still feel like a part of this crazy thing happened. Maybe she just was turned on

by subway trains. The rumbling does turn women on, right? I don't know. Do women get turned on by rumblings of dryers or anything just... Yeah, if you're getting fucked on top of a dryer,

but not on a subway train. How many times have you been fucked on a dryer? It's very difficult to do. It hasn't really ever come to fruition because you got to get... Either you're fucking somebody

really tall or you got to either just get either you're fucking somebody really tall or you gotta either just get eaten out on top of a dryer. I've been eaten out on a dryer before. My dog! My big ol' waggly tail dog! But I use peanut butter!

Man, it's like crunchy peanut butter, right? No, it's gotta be smooth peanut butter, Jackie. I just never want to put peanut butter anywhere near my pussy. I barely want to put it by my mouth. I wouldn't put whipped cream on my dick. That shit, food on your dick is... Ew.

You don't put whipped cream on your dick. I've seen the Bachelorette porns where the girl will spray whipped cream on the stripper's dick and they suck it. I'm like, I wouldn't do that. Ew, that's disgusting. It's not right. I want to say thank you, Marcus Parks. We were discussing manspread a couple of weeks ago,

and I discussed how females have their period, and oftentimes you can see it on the subway seat. Marcus, you saw that. You took a picture of it. I can't believe I didn't see this picture. I didn't take a picture of that. I got that off of Reddit, but it was obviously the New York City police

or the New York City subway system. That's right. I have seen it before And it was very clear imprint of pussy lips On what looked like the L train On the seat Yeah and the problem was people kept commenting on it So it stayed at the top of my news feed

So every time I went on Facebook all week this week I saw this fucking blood Pussy blood She might have been 12, 13 No dude she was a big ass 12 No, dude. She was a big-ass 12-year-old. Oh, yeah. It was a big, large... It was a big, fat pussy lip.

Yeah. But also, like, in looking at the picture, she must have had at least either a short skirt on with just, like, either underwear or no underwear on that was touching, like, lips to seat. That is lips to seat. Through whatever clothing she had on. Oh, that's the acidic blood.

Yeah. That's the alien blood. That's the alien blood. That's the landlord blood. That's the John Carpenter alien blood. I think, I don't know if this is maybe, I know this is the wrong form

to bring this up. I think I have bled through my pants once and it was the first time I got my fucking period when I was 12 years old. Yeah, so it was a gusher.

We know nothing about it and it's a gusher. But if you are, it's like, how old is that fucking person? How was that for you, Jackie? Yeah. I was fine. Give her the person yeah she might have been a little girl i hope i hope she was a fucking little girl because if you were a full-grown adult you feel the squish gush before it comes seeping out your bottom

does horny wet from period wet feel different? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A thousand percent. It's more gushy-squishy. But if she is getting a gushy-squishy on the train... Can we stop saying gushy-squishy? What the fuck is wrong with you? Lay that period juice! Call it a bloodbath.

Gushy-squishy? Okay, if the flow is getting heavy, is that better? Somehow flow bothers me more. That bothers me more, too. I call it gushy-squishy, then. Say it more. Side of salsa. Side of salsa.

That's what God calls giving women a beer. Call it a progressive spokeswoman. Say red moist. Bring out the chips, baby. I got a big old side of salsa for you. So from now on, if you're a female and you're having your period, just say you're having your side of salsa. I got a chunky side of salsa right now. Are you either too mild, medium, or hot?

And I want you a dick to be a chick. I got hot, chunky salsa right now. A little piece of rope in it. A little bit of guac. I don't know where that came from. Got a little bit of corn in it. So say the waiter's bringing your chunky side of salsa at, say, First Avenue on the L train. You don't get off until 10 stops later on the DeKalb stop.

What do you do? Do you sit there? Do you stand up? Or do you get off the train at Bedford? No, you sit there. You can't stand up or else the gravity will take its hold. But the thing is that if you have big old thighs, you can hold that squish-kush right on in. You can feel it inside you.

You hold it in. And if you stand up, you won't get it on the seat a thousand percent. However, it will get into you. The gravity will take it down. What if you got little tiny bird legs? Then you're a fucking idiot. You need to gain some weight. You need to be a real woman.

So, yeah, thicker thighs. You can stop a gush. I mean, it's just going to hit your thighs. Awesome. Can't you tuck your shirt tail in there? Sure, you can do whatever you want. Thing is, I'd rather, but it's like, I just don't understand it going all the way through your pants. Well, she must have been

wearing a skirt. But also, when you first get your period, though, like, even at the start of your period, it's not a squish-gush waterfall. Oh, it's not. No, it starts off slow. It's a trickle-dickle. Yeah, it's a trickle-dickle. Trickle-dick? No, it starts off slow. It's a trickle-dickle. Yeah, it's a trickle-dickle. Trickle-dickle. And you can feel it. It's a trickle-dickle? When you walk, it feels like there's a slip and slide in between your

legs. You ride your slide? Yeah, you slide. You sit down the same way we were on the ride? Yeah, you get a slug trail. It's so crazy. I mean, Jackie, I never really thought about this before, but from like 11 to 12... Because you forget I'm a woman? No, no, I don't forget that you're a woman. I'm reminded every time I look at your beautiful face., but from like 11 to 12. Because you forget I'm a woman? No, no, I don't forget that you're a woman. I'm reminded every time I look at your beautiful face.

Thank you. From 11 to 12 years old, if you're a woman, like every single day, you're just like when, it's like Russian roulette. Well, it depends on how much fucking milk you're drinking, because the milk makes it come earlier. It does? What? It's the hormonies in the milk.

The hormonies in the milk? It's the hormonies in the milk. So we bring it back to cows. So we come all the way back around. So your pussy's above your ass. My pussy's above my ass? It is. It's in the middle of my back.

Then it'll get caught up in the butt and you don't have to worry about it any time when you have the gush squish. It just traps it in your ass. But don't you all have a tail that spins it around? I love it. Oh, she's so attractive. Moo, baby, moo! Women are so mysterious.

Women are so mysterious. All your old shit sinks up on the subway, right? Yeah, you know, you know. What liberation now? Oh, no. Oh, no. Morgan, stop looking at that pussy blood picture No I'm looking

Cause I'm looking at it and I'm thinking That there is an obvious line down the middle And then there are wings on the side I don't think she has It looks like a butterfly Ben of course what the hell else would it look like What if somebody put their Reminds me of death

What if that wasn't a woman? What is another possibility that could be? Maybe that's a guy who put his food on a... That and ketchup. It looks like he put ketchup on a hot dog, turned it upside down, and just pushed it onto the seat. I don't think a woman can sit like that.

I just love the fact, in the picture you can see somebody who is obviously sitting next to it, who is just trying to be as far away from it as possible, but also just too lazy to stand up. I would sit right next to it. Me too, man. You would sit on it. I get off that train.

I'd walk to wherever I'm going to be on that canal. That underpass. I don't know. But I mean, unless you could, because you guys know like that rusty blood smell. Rusty blood, that old jazz man. Yeah,

it's also my favorite band, Rusty Blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when women are on their period, yeah, that definite smell. You mean your gushy-squishy? Your gushy-squishy, yeah.

When you're fucking doing the gushy-squishy, the smell starts coming up. If that, I could smell, then I'd move. But if there's no smell, I'm fine.

Jackie, so when you knew That you were going To hit puberty And get a period At some point Did you just think About it every day

And like wonder When it was gonna come No because you don't know What it's gonna be like You don't know anything About it All of a sudden You're like

Oh my god Bloody me panties Do you have to say it Like that Yeah I didn't tell anybody I just shoved a bunch Of toilet paper Up inside of me

Oh that was it Did it happen at school No I was at home. You know my little sister had her period on my bed, her first one. She did? On your bed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she didn't get a stain or anything like that, but my dad told me she was in the room just like kind of

crying in my room, and my dad was like, uh, to her. She told your dad? Yeah, my parents were divorced at the time. Oh, okay. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. He is a very loving father. Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day, Jermaine. Happy Father's Day, Jerome and I.

Happy Father's Day to all of our fathers. You know what? That was good pops. Yeah, I love my dad. That was the first period I've heard of. It blew my mind when I found out. I was like, wow, they have a monthly jail sentence that doesn't exist for an entire half of the fucking population.

That's insane. Yeah, but you guys get hard randomly. I think I'd rather bleed once a month than get hard randomly. I don't know. It's more embarrassing. You don't think. You haven't been hard. It's awesome.

I've never been hard. It's totally awesome. I've been hard before my dick. Out of your dick? Yeah. Well. Wait, what? You jerked off.

Why, Jermaine? I'm what? You jerked off too much. Why, Jermaine? I'm going to guess jerked off too much. Yes. All right. There you go. Doctor said you jerked off too much

and I was like, Would you get like a rash? You went to the doctor? Yeah. I got scared. Yeah, your dick was bleeding. Thank you. I wanted to stay home.

Andy was coming at the time so I mean, it must have been really freaky. You know, confusing. Yeah, he said, oh, you just jerked off too much. I was like, cool. I went home and jerked off again. Wait a minute. When you told me I jerked off, I thought it must have been really freaky you know confusing yeah he said oh you just jerked off too much I was like oh cool I went home and jerked off again

when he told me I jerked off I thought it was something serious it was because I jerked off too much that one that meant nothing to me I was like I don't jerk off again is it because of the tiny teeth I can pee my dick

no he's a dick giant why don't religions just use that instead of lying to people and saying if you jerk off too much you'll go blind why don't religions just say if you jerk off too much

your fucking cock will bleed so stop jerking off. That's way scarier. I'd rather it referred to as cry blood tears though. Just to clarify, did you shoot blood? On the side of it you had a hole.

It wasn't like the Antichrist movie. Did you have rips on the outside of it? Was it like a torn thing? I came and there was some spots in it. Blood in the cum. So where, so you were inspecting

the cum afterwards? You know, all your cum. You were like looking at it. Yeah. Where'd you cum? It was different. On your hands?

On your hands? Yeah. Huh. Sorry, Kevin, Kevin hates this shit. Yeah, it is.

I know you hate it. That's why I'm acting weird. Well, you talk about cumming with spots of blood in it and there's not a lot of people who are going to enjoy it. But also, do you ever use a sock, though?

Do you use a sock? I think it's interesting the people that use a sock versus not the sock. In sixth grade, I first started in sixth grade. Yeah, I used a sock. But not now as a dude. Sock scares me. It should. It's a sock.

Sock's fine. No, it's not. You use a sock when you do it? Yeah, before I got my fleshlight, I did. You don't have a fleshlight? Yeah, dude. He still uses it. You still use it? Yeah. To this day, it's not. You use a sock when you do it? Yeah, before I got my fleshlight, I did. You don't have a fleshy? Yeah, dude. He still uses it. You still use it?

Yeah. To this day, it's great. Wow. Do you always use it? When I can, yeah. When can't you? When you're in public or on the subway? When I'm out of town, usually.

If you ever look at his pants and it looks like it's got a giant metal cylinder in it, that's when he's using it. I don't take it with me on business trips and shit. How many business trips are you going on? What are you going to peak on business? You never go on business trips. He's in a full

relationship with his fleshlight. Once a month, he fills it with blood because it's her time of the month and then he gets to have period sex. So she's squishy. Yeah, my gushy squishy. But you affix it to the It unscrews the bottom. It unscrews on both sides. What you do is you get the

It's actually quite the process. Isn't that the part where you go, why do I do this? Isn't that the part when you're meticulously cleaning it out? Isn't that when you're like, I should just jerk off like normal fucking people? When you said unscrewing, I thought you were like, I should just jerk off like normal fucking people? When she said unscrewing, I thought you were like,

oh, you just run it under the faucet. No. I thought you did. I thought you did. Because it's filled with cum. You got to get it in there. You know what?

Well, it's not like the biggest, it takes like maybe like 30 seconds, 45 seconds to clean. It's not bad. Just these 72 steps. Unscrewing is not 30 seconds.

Yeah, you like, yeah, you screw it off and then you turn on the bathtub And you put one side underneath the bathtub And kind of The bathtub faucet And it kind of cleans it out on that end But then you turn around to the pussy side

And you kind of open up Like a daughter Like you do a kid Like you do your daughter What's wrong with you? After years, like this is something that, you know, this is just. It's just normal to you now. I'm sure everyone does it differently.

You're like whistling and shit while you do this. It's super normal. I'm sure everyone does it differently, but this is how I do it. It has to be. Like during this cleaning process, like how many questions do you have for yourself? What am I going to eat for lunch? You know? How long do I have

until I have to go? Like, plenty of, I mean, it's all normal. It's just a normal thing. How many times do you clean it, though? After every single time. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah. That's good. Oh, yeah. Dude, if you leave that comment. I'm still doing my contacts in. Yeah, it's like you're leaving cum inside this,

like you're screwing cum up inside this china. If you leave it in there, God, it smells awful when you pull it out. It's just so bizarre because after you have sex with a woman, oftentimes they have to go to the bathroom and they clean out so they don't have any UTIs or things like that.

But yeah, exactly. So you actually just have to take on that responsibility. Myself. You can come to Gydo. Thank you. You know what? I'm glad. It's nice. Maybe you guys should fucking figure it out because sometimes it sucks so you actually just have to take on that responsibility myself thank you I'm glad it's nice maybe you guys

should fucking figure it out because sometimes it sucks to have to get up right after you fucking cum loads and you gotta go to the bathroom

and go clean yourself up or else you're gonna be totally gushy squishy you'll be sooty and then you yeah you smell for at least 12 hours even after you take a shower

just caked up of cum alright have you ever been late anywhere because you were cleaning that? Actually, yeah. I've missed it. Actually, yeah. You put together your... I totally have been.

Actually, a few days ago, I just missed the train because I had to clean it before I left the house. Aren't you kicking yourself? I was. I really was. I was like, god damn it. That totally could have waited until I got home. I think that's my thing. After like a long, wonderful

lovemaking session, I don't mind a clean up afterwards. I'm covered in all of it. But like after masturbating, I want to be done immediately. I'm immediately ashamed. I immediately don't want to be cleaning. I mean, i do it because the orgasm is a million times better it's way better it's really fucking yeah yeah it's like it's actually yeah it's really fucking no it's not really fucking well i mean it's a thermos it's a thermos with a pussy inside

he's fucking coffee well it's much closer to a pussy than a hand is, I'll tell you that much. It is, yes. Yeah, it's much closer. I would actually say that that's untrue. The orgasm is so much better. A hand is at least human flesh. It is not latex. I don't appreciate your judgy tone, Bill.

I'm not judging. Quit making fun of his girlfriend. Did you name it, Marcus? No, I didn't name it. Yes, you did. No, no. What do you call it? You shouldn't name it. This, you did. No, no. What do you call it? You shouldn't name it.

Mrs. Marcus. Name it here on the show. Mrs. Marcus. Hello. Mrs. Marcus. Wow. Hello, Mrs. Marcus. Hey, Mrs. Marcus.

I hope you're ready for my own. Oh, my God. I love all of your mini bones. I love your bones, Marcus. I've missed so many opportunities because I've jerked off at weird times. I remember the worst time. I've missed a lot of interviews I've jerked off at weird times. I remember the worst time, I've missed a lot of interviews or blah, blah, blah.

But the worst one was I've missed Mummy 2. That's the worst one. That's the worst one. Lord knows you can't see it again. I mean, it's gone now. I was a kid. I didn't know

when I'd see the movie again. It was a sequel. It was Scorpion King. Rock was in it. So that was the worst one I've ever missed. Scorpion King was pretty fucking good. I saw it in the theater again. It was a sequel. It was Scorpion King. Rock was in it. So I was like, that's the worst that I've ever seen. Scorpion King was pretty fucking good.

I saw it in the theater. Thank you, Holdie. God, Rock is nailing it right now. The Rock is so sexy. He's gotten better looking. Yeah, he's gotten older, chill, bald head. Sad Andreas.

Yeah, man. The Rock now. He's Florida too, from Florida. Dwayne Johnson. He's all I got in this world, man. He's funny. What, you want to be The Rock?

Oh, yeah. Can we talk about how Kevin gets uncomfortable when we talk about masturbation? We already know it. You do know it. I didn't know y'all talked about it before. It really makes me uncomfortable. It's lewd, man.

It is. I get uncomfortable, you know. I don't get uncomfortable at all. You shouldn't be uncomfortable talking about masturbation. Kevin's Jamaican. That was a different culture. On a Sunday, again.

How many times do I have to say this? Is it because it's Father's Day? No, it's not just because it's Father's Day. It's becauseican. That's a different culture. On a Sunday. Again, how many times do I have to say this? Is it because it's Father's Day? No, it's not just because it's Father's Day. It's because y'all should be at church. Did you go to church today? No, I did not

because I had to come here. Yeah. I forgot all the 630 church sessions they've got. Kevin pronounced it Father Day. I had to come here. Did you call your dad?

Yeah, I called my dad, man. You know what we didn't talk about? Defiling ourselves. Isn't that nice? My father and I, we spoke upon defiling ourselves for quite a while. Yeah, I talked about flicking my fucking gushy squishy to my dad. To your ex-cop father. Yeah, I'm sure he loved it.

Hey, daddy. What if he arrested you right there? Go ahead, take me away for being a big, strong woman. You are a big, strong woman. He's killing me through the phone. All right. So every single thing that we've discussed that many of you guys have actually done are worse than the person who is being seeked by the police.

The man who is masturbated next to the pickup truck. Okay. Yeah, you want to do another news story? Yeah, we should. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this one involves a man named Lael Collins who plays for the Dallas Cowboys and a prostitute named Throatzilla.

Yeah. Awesome name, yeah. I love it. No, no, no, it's both names. First name's Throat, last name's Zilla. No, no, it doesn't really rhyme at all. One bit. Just Throatzilla. Throatzilla, no, no. It's both names. First name's Throat, last name's Zilla. No, no. It doesn't really rhyme at all. One bit.

Just Throatzilla. Throatzilla. Throatzilla. It's the worst. Where art thou? It's the worst pun. Throw down your tongue, Throatzilla. What does Zilla have to do with anything?

What does Godzilla have to do with anything? Yeah, that's true. Does it shoot lasers out of it? Fire? Or is it a moth with it? Well, Godzilla means king of the monsters. So I would think that throatzilla means king of the throat. Yeah, it's like the pit that the people fell in in Star Wars.

Godzilla's monster. God is the god of zilla, zilla monster. So she's the throat monster. Throat monster. She's not the god. See, throat monster sounds awesome. It's way better, too. I like Throat Monster more than I like Throatzilla.

But apparently, there was a bit of a tiff between Throatzilla and Lael Collins, and Throatzilla went to Twitter. This is what she did. Her Twitter handle, by the way, is at OrlyGifted214. Why wouldn't it be at Throatzilla? That's the best Twitter handle, by the way, is at orally gifted 214. Why wouldn't it be at Throatzilla? That's the best Twitter handle ever. She already had a brand. She went to Lael Collins' agent

and said, Hi, at Derek Gilmore, can you have at 70 Lael Collins pay me the rest of my money for sucking his dick and eating his ass? And he needs to be drug tested. Blew him up all over Twitter.

Well, this man made a mistake of not paying her, right? So if a woman does, I mean, first of all, he's a football player. He should be able to get this for free. I never understand. But if you have a prostitute eat your ass and give you a blowjob and the whole transaction is supposed to be paid for, you got to pay her. Yeah. But you know what? She now paid for, you gotta pay her. Yeah. But you know, she now just lost all work from all athletes.

Yeah, that's very, very true. Or non-paying athletes, at least. Nothing worse than a vindictive hooker, man. I agree with that. You have nothing to lose. I would judge a man harshly if he didn't pay a prostitute. No, he's that scummy. It's scummy already, but come on. What are you doing? Was he expecting something

better than football players? I mean, if she went down there... He's got the money. He's got the money. She ate a man's butthole. Yeah. Football players' butthole. So he's all sweaty and gross.

Oh, high carbohydrate, high protein diet. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, Ben. You're like the big ass eater in this fucking group. Why are you judging her? I'm not judging her. I'm judging him for not paying her. Yeah, man, if my fucking girlfriend ate my ass,

I'd pay her. What's that? You mean football player's ass? I would never eat a man's ass. Oh, his woman's butt. For 20 bucks? That's a different butt. Exactly, that's a woman's butt.

I'm sorry, I thought you were talking about a football player. No, I would never eat a man's butt. Not that you should judge anyone that would want to. No, I'm saying me personally, I don't want to.

I've never licked a woman's booty before. Me neither. Yeah, we're in the club. Kevin does it all the time. I don't do that shit,

man. Because you're a Christian sex abductor. I am a Christian dude and I lay the dick. With a Bible on her back. But Jackie, you enjoy

getting your butt eaten, but you don't necessarily want to do it for a man. No, no, no. I don't get my butt eaten. Oh, you don't? No, no, no. It gets eaten. It gets eaten. It eats there. You don't. No, no, no. I'm not a mouth-to-ass person

because it makes me think of human centipede. Yeah, that's gross. But a mouth-to-ass person because it makes me think of human centipede. Yeah, that's gross. But a dick-to-ass person is fine. Sure. You've been booty butt. Everyone's been booty butt. I've never done... I mean, it's just different for everyone.

It just seems painful for a girl. I've never tried it before. Yeah, it's awful. Damn. No, a lot of women do enjoy the butt stuff because it does feel good. There's a lot of different things down there, a lot of different sensors and whatnot.

No, there's nothing for a woman in her ass. Oh, absolutely there is. No, what it is is that it does feel good. There's a lot of different things down there, a lot of different sensors and whatnot. No, there's nothing for a woman in her ass. Oh, absolutely there is. No, what it is is that it gives a pleasure. You are not women. It gives pleasure to the man to allow a man to do that, something that he wants to do. It's an exploration thing. Other than that, no, there's no coming from us.

There's nothing good coming from it. No way, dude. I once went home with a girl. It was a one-night stand and she specifically specifically requested, she said, I cannot come unless I'm getting fucked in the ass. Well, that is... I fucked very, very close. I fucked her. Is she diddling her front while it's happening?

Yeah, of course. Well, there's nothing back there. Did you ever see a pussy? She was scared to be a dude. We were pretty drunk. Was she jerking off at the same time? We were already fucking drunk, but I do remember fucking her in the ass. It's a dude.

Women love it. It was a guy. I think what a huge part of it is... I promise you that women force it upon themselves many times. All right. I promise. Okay, guys, so in points in time when they're fucking each other in the ass...

I'm sorry. I think I'm the only woman here, but I'm just going to throw that out there. You can't talk for all women, Jackie. I can't talk for all women. But I can. And listen, this is another problem. Do you ever watch a porn and then be like,

I don't believe that the women are enjoying what's happening right now. It takes you out of it. Sometimes they're fucking each other in the ass. You're like, I don't think they really are into it. Or sometimes when a girl sucks, another girl's strap on. Well, that makes no sense you guys are just it's not a real dig you are you really enjoying it's

always funny in the porn she's not getting any joy out of it it's always funny in the porn the girl who's sitting next to the the people fucking like they're having like a threesome or she's kind of on on deck or whatever and she's still moaning and shit like she's not doing anything but that takes you out of it it's like you's not doing anything. But that takes you out of it. It's like, you're not doing anything, man.

Yeah, but what do you want? To just kind of sit there and look bored? It'd be more realistic, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, but I'm not watching porn for realism. It'd be great if she started reading a book. I'd be so happy. Porn is like wrestling, man.

You gotta fake it. You know? It's a performance art. It's so fake. It looks like Street Fighter, the people in the background cheering. We're not even part of it. There's two motions.

It's the Kyle stage. We're all in the aircraft. What's he doing back there? He's just grabbing some chickens. What is happening? We're not even doing anything. Just grabbing boo back and forth. It's the vlog.

Beating up a car. Exactly. Beating up a car in 30 seconds or less afterwards. Budging barrels. They're hard. They're just cheering over here. They're on the left and you go to the right. They're still cheering.

It's like carnage. If I saw a porn of a guy fucking a girl and in the background a different stinky hot chick was beating a car up, I'd subscribe to the fucking whatever. Hey, there's some creative porns out there, man. I'll send you a few. They're just for nerds or whatever.

You'll love it. People fucking while a dude smashes a car in the background. It's fucking fun. New genre of porn. We should all just write a porn. I would love to do a horror porn movie. Horror porn movie? I really a horror porn movie I've seen one

it's called Porn of the Dead it's fucked up you don't want to see it oh wait wait there's Walking Dead parody Larkin loves in it

with the Arabelle Raphael and uh Adrian something I forgot her last name it's a Walking Dead parody do they fuck zombies

in it yeah cool I'll send you it nice I'll send you it you have it that nice? I'll send you it. Do you have it downloaded? I have a lot of it.

On my phone, I have a notes section where I just keep track of. Okay, good for you. Isn't that something? Do the zombies just fuck people in the brains? Brains. Brains. Brains. Oh, no.

Where's Ted? They turned around. Go, go. He's Ted? They turned around. Go, go. Get fucked in the head. Marcus, where are we at here? What news? I'm looking for the part in Porn of the Dead. Here it is.

Check it out. Guy comes on her face. He's coming on her face. That's not the one I wanted. I've never seen this porn. There's no the one I wanted. This is a different one. I've never seen this porn. Is there another one porn? It's not really a porn you jack off to, is it?

Oh, yeah. It's a pretty paltry cum shot here. This is not it. And then if you keep... No, this is a totally different one. It's like she's got gum in her mouth. That's not cum. That's gum. Yeah, yeah.

More like gum and go. He's made of bazooka joes. Yeah. And he hit a dick! He bit off his dick! Oh, she bit off his dick. Oh, no. It's so fake, though.

It's not even disgusting. It's so fake. You want it to be more realistic. That's your issue with it? No, no, no. I want to do more slasher porn. Like that's what I've always... Cut a dick off.

You can't have a porn and not have a dick dismember the member. No, that's fine, but I want to make it look better than that. Jermaine loves it. He just came, I think. Yeah, that's who the porn was made for. I've never seen it happen before in a porn. It's all been done. Yeah, now it officially has, yeah. It's fucking been done. Yeah. Now it officially has. Yeah.

It's fucking funny. All right. So let's see. Where are we at, Marcus? It's time for a segment from Old McNail. Shit. Wow. That flew by.

Yeah. Woo. We've been in here for an hour. I'm sweating it out. I'll tell you that much. Oh, man. Martial arts styles. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. I told you, right? You knew, right? I forgot about it. Like Flying Monkey or Drippin' Dragon or fucking Fightin' Donkey. Come up with your own martial arts style. Bring it to the world. I'll start with mine. I'm going to go with...

I thought about this way, way, way before. I thought about this hours ago. And I'm bringing it to the world right now. I'm gonna go with fucked cow. Alright? Fucked cow. So what it is, is you pretty much just stand there looking all sexy in a field, right?

Just kind of waiting for your villain, waiting for your nemesis, right? He approaches you slowly. He thinks he's gonna get his load off, right? He starts fucking you. Let him fuck you, right? You're in a cow costume or whatever, and then right when he's going to get his load off, right? He starts fucking you. You let him fuck you, right? You're in a cow costume or whatever, and then right when he's finished, you just fucking thank him, you know?

Because by that point, you're friends. I like that. So your entire martial arts style is just sitting there. And getting fucked. Yeah. Is this fight fucking or it's fighting? For me, I'm pretending to be a cow getting fucked. The person likes me at the end. I mean, you can fight if you want, but I'm kind of a peaceful dude.

So I dress up like a cow. I pick a nemesis that is a lonely man in a small town. And I just fucking hang out in the field until he fucks me. And then we hang out afterwards. And they'll be like, it was me the whole time. And he's like, oh, whatever. He's all happy now and falls asleep. That's what we're trained to do after we load.

If you let a man load out who's trying to fight you, he'll just want to go to bed afterwards. You could stab him in the head or just lay next to him. Definitely chew his dick off. There you go. That's my fighting style. Kevin?

Alright, so mine is called Drunken Master and it's just like drunken boxing, but you got to kind of think about that. In my dojo, we have posters of the movie Drunken Master everywhere, and at the dojo, they give you shots. You go to a dojo? Yeah, well, in my school.

I have a dojo. Oh, they met in real life. Most schools have a dojo. I was just getting excited about... Just get the fact like Kevin in real life going to a dojo. Find out what dojo he's at. How many dojos have you been to?

Surprisingly, not a lot. But some. I've been maybe like six. Does a dojo have like... So you've been to six different dojos? And to you that's not a lot? Were any of Wait, so you've been to six different dojos? Yeah. And to you, that's not a lot? Were any of them like a secret to get to?

No, no, no. Okay, all right. Well, actually, there was one that was kind of... You had to know a dude and sign up through his thing. Yes. Can we go to a dojo? I don't know when you're here, but I'm sure I can... I don't like white people, I would think.

Yeah, but... That's why you can never bring Jackie to a dojo. It just sounds like you're about to eat a really big hot dog. Can you get that woman out of here? She's making a mockery of everything that we... Well, anyways, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt the dojo talk.

Change your last name to Champ. Jackie Champ. Well, anyways, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt the dojo talk. Oh, no, no, no. Change your last name to Champ. Jackie Champ. Did you say Champ or Champ? I said Champ. I like it. Jackie Champ. Jackie Champ.

I thought it was Jackie Chan. No. Jackie Champ is teaching us dojo. Teaching Karate 102. All right, so we're having a dojo. Drunken Master. Oh, yeah, Drunken Master. We got the posters everywhere.

They give you shots, they give you beers, and then you can just go to another bar. That's fun. That's great. It's very fun. I will do Jewish Guido style fighting. Yes. Kind of exciting.

How does that work out? Well, you just kind of practice by catching random coins that are thrown at your head very fast. Wow. Jesus. Wow. That's fine. Stereotypical. Bit racist.

Well, then let's edit it out. Bit bigoted. No, it's not at all. I thought it was wonderful. I thought that was kind of fun then let's edit it out. A bit bigoted. No, it's not at all. I thought it was wonderful. I thought that was kind of fun. He's trying so hard. Why are you squashing his face? I've never tried at these. I've never tried at these.

I do love the Facebook comments where like, Kissel can't hold, hang with murder officially. Is it Golden James? I don't care about this segment. What? Who said that?

Oh, there's always some dumb man. No. No one's ever said that. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Who cares? There is... Let's see here.

You read the Facebook comments? I like some. Let's see here. No, I do, and thank you so much for being on the Roundtable of Gentlemen page. Let me say... That was very sincere. That was very sincere. That was very sincere. Every time you end it with P.

Like, when you... Every time you do that B. It's like ending a text message with a period. No, it's fine. So, anyway. No one likes it. All right. Go feed it to Guido.

Keep going. You're doing good. I'm done with it. The whole thing got derailed. Oh, my God. It's a confidence issue. It's not a confidence thing. I was blatantly called racist.

I was saying I was liking what you were doing. I was only giving you the opposite feedback. It's not racist. Jews are a race. Why was the guido catching the change? What was the guido part? So let's think about that. So let's think about who has racism and hate in their heart

so Jermaine no you didn't but you have to finish no I'm done Jermaine let's just go to Jermaine let's just move on let's move on

a big bitch thank you very much Jermaine you're not choosing Jermaine is sidebarring with me this is funny they have the same one

yeah okay I like that teaming up I love that you Same one. Teaming up. I love that. You can team up. That's never happened before. Would you like to add to the idea at all? I had one.

It was a self-defense one, I guess. Fetish food. I guess every time someone would kick you, you'd lick their feet. Oh, that's good. You would dismantle them. I will co-sign with that. Okay. So now I'm being, wow. Fetish food. Licking feet. Oh, that's good. You would dismantle them. I will co-sign with that. Okay, so now I'm fetish foo. Lick your feet.

Yeah. Jewish Guido foot fetish foo. Yeah, baby. Wow. I don't know where you'd find one, but I guess AV scope. I mean, I guess now I'm sorry, but I got to go with Jackie Champ Dojo,

and I'm going to get them in there thinking I'm Jackie Chan, but I'm not. I think I'm just going to be Jackie Champ. Like champ. You're nothing. You're neither Jackie Champ or a champion. I'm a champion. I am also a play on.

They show up. They're mesmerized because all I wear is like those wraparound robes, but my tits are cut out, so they can't look away. My main special that I really teach is mainly for women, is called my Jinzu Squirty Bird Doll. And so what it is is that when you're drinking your jizzies,

you're out at a bar, somebody's pissing you off, primarily a fucking cunt that's trying to tell you what's going on in Game of Thrones. She's a cunt. We just don't want to tell you what's going on in Game of Thrones. She's a cunt. We just don't want to hear about what's going on

in fucking Game of Thrones. Let's call him See You Next Weeks. Yeah. See You Next Tuesdays, technically. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry.

I was trying to figure out what the fuck. That's right. Yeah, yeah, I got it wrong. You suck down all of your gin fizzy and you smash them in the face with it.

And then what you do is you take your claw grab, you go underneath, you grab their squirty bird, you twist it. You twist them real hard, you make them twist around and then you kick them down to the floor and then you pee all over them. Wow.

So that's the gin zoo squirty bird doll. No moon blood. No, no, you don't do it on your period or else you curse them with a fucking ghost. So you don't want to do that because then the ghost is going to come back at you. Yeah, the ghost comes back at you, of course, the natural rules.

All right, Nick Vannerod. It's called Jin Jin Bai. Okay, Jin Jin Bai. Jin Jin Bai. And what it is, you meet somebody. Jinjinbai, we meet a person. It's very nice, yeah. Up top, very sweet.

And then you slowly start building the trust. This goes on for years, decades. You create a solid foundation of friendship, kindred spirits with another. You guys start early 20s. This goes on to late 60s. A lifelong friendship you build for this person. The whole time you're building

immunity to Goldschlager. One night you have a Goldschlager off. It seems that you've perished. You have a funeral held for you. Jinjinbai.

Jinjinbai. Your friend who you've befriended comes to your funeral, thinks you're dead. You're not dead. You've built up an immunity to Goldschlager. And then they come up to pay their respects, and then you open up your eyes, and they go, nice funeral, nice casket.

Turns out it's for you. You grab them. You flip spin them into the casket. You hop out. A bunch of people run over and go, singer! And then the fucking, the casket three-man slingshots you

out like this window in the church. Jin Jin Bai. Jin Jin Bai. And the other guy's name is Jin Jin. Jin Jin Bai. It only works if you meet a guy named Jin Jin. And he's revengeful. And he's your enemy.

Yeah. But also like your best friend. It's really out of nowhere. I mean, it's two boats passing in the night, but you befriend the boat and then build up the boat's truss. Then you shoot that boat out of the ocean. Yeah. Was the boat ever mean or evil?

No. No. Just name Gingin. No, just humanity. It's so rare. Life's random. It is just a watch out for me. I can take anybody down.

That's life, man. I'll tell you what, nobody fucks with you ever for the rest of your life after that moment. Yeah, you're 70, you don't have a long life after that, but no one's going to fuck with you in that last decade. Alright, Marcus. I gotta go with Jinzu Squirty Birdo. Whoa!

That's a surprise win for me. I thought Nick was going to get it. I love Jinjin Bai. I love Jinjin Bai, but Jinju Squirty Birdo, I think we can really franchise this out. I think so, too. And we don't want to do the coin-catching Jew

foot-licking one. No. All right. We don't want to do that one. Thank you all. Very good, Holden. Very nice. I love it, though. All right, that that's great. I don't want to do that one. Thank you all. Yeah. Very good, Holden. Very nice. I love it, though.

All right. That's the round table. Find Jackie on Twitter at Jack the Worm. Nick's at Nick Vatterot, Jermaine Fowler, and Fatboy Barnett, Marcus Parks. I'm at Ben Kessel. This is the round table of gentlemen. You can also find us on Facebook at the round table of page. Well, don't write anything bad because Kissel reads all the comments.

I don't read. It's all the comments. I don't even have a Facebook app anymore. And the Holdenator page is alive and kicking, boys and girls. It doesn't matter. I think it's full, so I don't even know if you can get in it. Harass Ben Kissel on Facebook.

Oh, it doesn't matter. Let them know how you feel. Well, they love me. Everybody loves me and I love them. They know that. What? Good God. You just don't know how to be sincere properly. I am being sincere. um what good god

you just don't know how to be sincere probably I am being sincere did you imagine him giving wedding vows good god I love you

uh I don't know what else to fucking say I had a nice time with you you're not fat well yeah you're not as fat as when I met you

and it kind of upsets me now I feel like with you we don't need doors on the bathroom. Well, all right. God damn.

Could you seriously say ditto? Ditto. She does all her vows like ditto. Ditto. I will, let me just say ditto. And that was kind of sincere. That's the most sincere I've ever seen. He's being sarcastic. He's being sincere. I totally believe that. He's being sarcastic.

He's being sincere. That's the whole thing. All right. Check out Friends of the People. That's going to be airing July 16th at 10.30 p.m. on True TV. And, of course, I am on Fox News' Red Eye. There you go. And the roast of Kevin Barnett will be July 5th here at the Creek in the Cave.

I think it's at 8 o'clock, right? Maybe 9 o'clock. Either way, just come and hang out all night. July 5th, the roast of Kevin Barnett. It's going to be super fun. All right, that's it. Oh, and go buy the Cowman's new album, thecowman.bandcamp.com.

Go buy our album. That's it. Jackie, anything? No, I'm good. Have a good night. What is wrong with you? She puts...