The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 248: Mauschwitz

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

This week on Round Table: CNN confused by dildo flag, handsome gorillas, a man joins ISIS over cat, Iowa grants gun permits to the blind and man regrets Miley Cyrus tattoos. Joining us today: Micah Sherman & Sarah Nowak!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them all watch what fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion?

Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Well, no. You don't have a choice. Well. Identify yourself. That's scary.

But it's anonymous. That's how it works. ASL. ASL, Seth Holden. ASL. Language? Language. Location. ASL. ASL said. Hold it. ASL. Age, sex, language? Yeah, language. Language. Location. Oh, location.

I didn't know that. I don't know. 54. Male. Your butt. Whoa. I'm up your ass. I think I probably have written that at some point. I'm up your fucking ass, Jackie. Alright, alright. Get out. I'm a gold miner.

Who's praying today? Who's gaying today? Yay! Yeah, baby! Who prayed last week? I wasn't here. Technically, it was supposed to be you. I gotta pray.

I thought Ben was the host. I'm just asking questions. What happened? Oh, he's just asking who's praying. It doesn't matter. I'll take the power back, Holden. Don't, but thank you very much. Who's praying today?

I think it is your turn, Ed. All right, all right. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. All right. Dear Mexican Jesus. Oh, I am here. Thank you so much for the weed. Thank you so much for the clean tables.

I'm Mexican. Thank you so much for the burrito. Caliente. Thank you so much for the hot sauce. I want to take back the burrito. Dear Mexican Jesus, you may not take back your burrito. I paid you for the burrito, and if you don't give me the burrito, I'm going to get policia. Oh, no soy bueno.

Dear Mexican Jesus, thank you for Speedy Gonzales and his good friend Slowpoke. Did you guys watch an episode recently? Did you realize that Speedy Gonzales was fucking everyone's sister? I didn't realize that. Slowpoke was a fucking drunk. They were talking about it. It's like, oh, my sister knows Speedy Gonzales

and they're like, Speedy Gonzales knows everybody's sister. I laughed my fucking ass off. Is this still a prayer though? It is a prayer. I laughed my fucking ass off. This is still a prayer, though. It is a prayer. I'm thanking Jesus for that, and I'm reminding everyone why I would be thanking him for that. And Cuccio Muerto Fiesta

in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. All right, amen. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Eddie, you bring up a good point about Speedy Gonzalez, little known history. They pulled his cartoons for a little while. The white liberal Americans. They got rid of Slowpoke.

They got rid of Slowpoke and pulled his cartoons. And then the Hispanic population, namely Mexicans, said, what happened to the only cartoon we had on television? You racist pieces of shit. And then they brought it back. So that's the great irony. He was in one of the episodes I saw, the same one I was just referencing. They found Speedy Gonzalez. They went to go find him because they couldn't sneak across the American border to steal the cheese from the government anymore. And so they had to go find Speedy Gonzalez, and people were just shooting guns at him, and he was dodging it going, oh, ha, ha, ha.

It was the funniest thing i ever seen i love that cartoon very timely forever and ever all right welcome to the round table of gentlemen i believe i already said that but who is around the table i'm here uh wait do they really take jackie i'm jackie the rusky do they who's that girl lady she's not a. I'm just a trash can. Jackie, don't say that about yourself. She said herself, ladies and gentlemen. We're just along for the ride today. You just want to get picked up by a garbage man

and tossed. That self-esteem is so low, it's high. It's kind of hot. That was the most erotic thing I've ever heard a woman to say. Really get rid of Slowpoke altogether, because I feel like Slow That was the most erotic thing I've ever heard a woman to say. Did he really get rid of Slowpoke altogether? Because I feel like Slowpoke was the closest to... He was the Ed McMahon. Yeah, he was Speedy's boy.

I know, I know, but they got rid of him? They won't show those cartoons anymore? I'm not sure what they were doing. I don't think he was ever technically drunk. He just had too many sodas. Yeah, but he kept burping, and then it was like green bubbles that would come out of his mouth. Yeah, he was drinking Surge. Yeah, and then-

If you remember that great time. Great cabinet of Surge. All those cartoons are so funny, and now they're deemed offensive, and it's still hilarious. Speaking of Gonzalez, like I said- And to be honest, I mean, Looney Tunes taught me a lot about the world. Oh, yeah. They taught me- They pulled on the Pepe Le Pews, too, right?

Yeah, I mean, what? That's because that one wasn't funny. All right, let's move on. Well, he was actually a rapist. Pepe Le Pew's a rapist. Maybe. Lapue means the rapist in French. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lapue?

Yeah. All right. I'm Ed Larson, and I stand for fucking Looney Tunes. That's great. Hell yeah. Ben, may I say my catchphrase? Get on in there. Get the fans allegiance.

Yep. Do that up. Haltnators, ho! Mary put an echo effect on that. Alright. Thank you very much, everybody. We've got a lot of shows for you tonight. We're going to start things off with a little slow-mo. We have one show.

Call Magic Toes. Magic Toes. Magic. Sucking on Magic Toes. I think that's a great song, Holden. Thanks for joining us again. Magic toes. I say we put them in the boob. I'll tell you what, everybody loves the boob.

Boo! Everybody loves the summer, but man, for me, it's fucking nasty flip-flop season. And I gotta see everybody's gross feet in New York. You gotta stop talking about these fucking flip-flops. I bought new flip-flops today. I'm so happy. They got the Brazilian flag. They need a bath, the feet on your legs.

I have good-looking feet. Yeah. They need a shower. If they look fine, it's fine. They're dark. They've gotten dirt on them. That's why you wash them when you get home. Yes.

Every time I crawl on the bed before, I give my feet a nice little wash. Got to. That's great, Eddie. You know what's good for it? What? Toilet. Alright. Don't want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You flush it and it immediately just wipes all the dirt away. That's great. Well, Eddie might just get sucked down into the toilet. He lives in the sewers. Alright. Kevin Barnett's not here. He actually got stuck at the Gay Pride Parade. True story. He said he got...

He claimed they wouldn't let him out. In the black section. He said, we're in the black section. They just won't let us out. So, nice job, Gay Pride. Typical Kevin at the Gay Pride Parade. Oh, he's coming out somewhere. It's going to be great, and people are going to love him. The black section of the Gay Pride Parade, that's actually, like, in the jail, right? Yeah, it's a cell.

I think it's Underground Canal Street somewhere, and I'm like, that's not the parade, bro. That's just a jail. And he's like, oh, okay. I got it all different. A different idea of what the Gay Pride Parade was going to be. Sitting in for currently occupied Kevin Barnett is Micah Sherman. And good afternoon!

Honk, honk to all my people out there! Honk, honk, Micah! Honk, honk! Honk honk to all my people out there. Honk honk. Honk honk. Honk honk, Micah. Honk honk. Honk honk, Holden. Honk honkies. Honk honk, Eddie.

Honk honk, my friend. Very good. Honk honkies. Honk honkies. Honk honk. Let's have a great time. Let's do it. Okay!

All right! Three-time Roundtable of the Year nominee right here. I wasn't nominated this year last year. No, you didn't get nominated this year. What happened? You missed it. I don't know what happened. You don't know what happened? You do that. You do the nomination. I wasn't nominated this year. No, you didn't get nominated this year. What happened? You missed it. I don't know what happened. You don't know what happened?

You do that. You do the nomination. I don't do the nomination. Yes, you do. I know what you do. It's a series of votes that come in a secret ballot. I've got to defend Ed here. I've seen the ballot, and it's secret.

I've never seen the ballot. I've never been nominated. I'll make you a ballot right now. Oh, yeah? And there it was. And you couldn't even see it. All right. No, Ed makes very interesting decisions, but the fans do vote.

And unfortunately, they didn't like you the past couple of years. But thanks for being here. Just last year. And get them back, Micah. All right. Okay. You're my round-tabler of the year. A lot of pressure.

I mean, yeah. I mean, it's round-table of the year a lot of pressure i uh i mean yeah i mean it's a round table of the year it's very prestigious i mean look what's happening every single year he is one he is four for four so what's the fucking point i mean well i mean it's the goddamn point screw this podcast what happened with michael jordan michael you don't mean it michael jordan won three championships in a row took two years off, allowing other people to possibly win. So Michael Che, we'll say he's playing baseball this year. You're on the list. He actually took last year off and he still won.

Okay. I'm the Hakeem Olajuwon of dirty podcasts. Oh, I love it. I'm African. Yeah, pretty much an African. I'm an African, everybody. Isn't that nice? The American dream.

They might think you're black. Easily. All right. It's a got a mistake staking for a black voice guy when i got cast in uh some tv demo to play like a like a cartoon black basketball player and i showed up the guy was looked at me and was like uh you're micah sherman and i was like, yeah. He's like, have you ever been told you sound like Barack Obama? And I was like, Paul Giamatti? Oh, different. Similar. Kind of different.

That's great. So you kind of black-faced it, but voiced. You black-voiced it. I black-voiced it. That's great. All right. Hey, sucker, you're going to get me. Black voice.

Black voice. Better than black face. It would have to be like my fellow Americans. That's really what a black voice is. My fellow Americans! Sarah Nowak is here as well. Thanks for being here, Sarah. Thanks so much for having me, guys.

I don't have a catchphrase. Like honk honk. That's okay. It's a pretty great catchphrase. Jamming with the Sare Bear. Jamming with the Sare Bear. No, that can't be it. That's terrible. They should be like

Obidobi. Obidobi. Is that Michelle Obama in the room? She stepped in it there. That's fine. Sarah Nowak is in a great sketch group called National Scandal and a great

improv group called The Baldwins. So check them out at the People's Improv Theater. Thanks, guys. I am. You've heard of The Baldwins? I'm not in The Baldwins. You've heard of it as a kid.

I've heard of them, yes. She would know if you were in a fucking group, Eddie. Yeah, well, I could have been in the past. They've been around for years. They are interchangeable, those guys. That's very good. And my round table over the years here, though. Who's that?

Who is it? Lupe Rodriguez! Batting sixth for the Washington Nationals. He's just not on a microphone, though. He's just kind of sitting over there on the computer. He's live tweeting. He's live tweeting. Oh, I see.

All right. He's got an awesome Ray L shirt on today. Is he just over there to stir things up? He's our live tweeter. Yeah, he's stirring up the pot. He's not tweeting. We're getting hip. He's on the forum over there. He's on the Twitter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Funny enough for him to be tweeting anything. Live Facebook it, too. Live Facebook it. Let's fucking change waves, man. Get on Pinterest. Get a board. Get a board going. Yeah, man. Live Facebook it. Let's fucking change waves, man. Get on Pinterest. Get on Pinterest. Get a board. Get a board going.

Yeah, man. That's great. Let's see. He's the mayor of the CCR studio. He is. Does anybody know how Etsy works? No, no idea. They don't sell computer flags anymore. You get drunk, and you sew shit, and you sell it for too much money.

Yeah. I was thinking this about... So it's like an eBay for alcoholics. Alcoholics who make, who sell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For women who have had kids die. Yeah. That's true.

It's just a disaster. If you're a lady who's had a child die Our hearts go out to you Get on Etsy Do that Post it on the page I'll buy a fucking dirty sweater I'm sorry I'm very sensitive today

I had a child die Who says that like that I'm having kind of a bad day What happened? Did you get stuck in traffic? Michael died Remember Michael? He was my son The child you had that you know i'm having kind of a bad day what happened you get stuck in traffic michael died remember michael he was my son yeah your child you had michael i only have six other ones well i had to identify the body but i wasn't even sure yeah yeah you know his head got rolled over

by a dump truck it's a bad day i'm little kid racist. They all look the same to me. Every single little kid. Let's see here. We mentioned the gay pride parade earlier. Our first story has something to do with that. Never introduce Mary. I'm getting to it now. We said it at the same time. Mary is sitting in for Mark.

That was seamless. Ed Larson. Thank you. All right, Jackie. Thank you. Thank you. Damn it, man. You can't talk?

What's going on? Yeah, you jinxed. You can't talk. You can't throw a jinx at us. I'll go home. Oh, my God. Somebody doesn't want to be here. I love being here.

Well, I feel like I'm cursed. Don't play that. You jinxed Holden? Yeah, I just did. Yeah, you said my name, though, so we're fine. Oh, fuck. Oh, I see. We're bad at this game.

Bad at this game. Jinx. No. Marcus Parks is in New Mexico. Yeah, daddy's not here. We can do whatever we want. That's not true. So when you get jinxed, you have to kill your wife?

Kill your jinx. What are you kidding me? You can't just kill your wife. No, you weren't good enough. I said kill. I'm not respecting it. All right. Let's move on from the Jinx game if we could.

Wow, look at that man. Very fun game that children play. Very nice. Good job, guys. Mary is sitting in for Marcus Parks today. She's got our news stories all worked out. And it's great to see Mary. You got to turn a stone.

No. What? I love the sphinx, Kate. Well, the more aggravated I get, I have a feeling we're going to keep this bit going. You just got sphinx. Sphinx. I'm not stone. I am still not stone.

Sphinx. How does this work? Nope. I don't know how it works. You say it too many times and you've got to go become a slave and build a big pyramid. Oh, I see. I thought the aliens did that. Story of my life.

Classic. Get in the cats. All right. That's a good joke for anyone who would have gotten it. All right, Mary, what's the first story today? CNN mistakes dildos for ISIS. It's going to happen. Lucy Paul, a CNN international editor who passed a gay pride parade on her way home,

was shocked to see one of the revelers, this man quite distinctive from the rest of the crowd, waving a very bad mimicry of a black and white ISIS flag. However, what was actually on the flag was dildos. A bunch of dildos. It's a dildo flag. It's a dildo flag. It's actually very clever. I salute that.

So we talk a lot about sensationalism in news and how ridiculously stupid they are with their quick reporting, and this is just a perfect example. CNN has a massive headline, ISIS flag found at the gay pride parade, and then they weren't smart enough to zoom in and realize it's a bunch of butt plugs and dildos. I am all in favor of this. This is my favorite flag ever.

Replace the Confederate flag in South Carolina Statehouse with this flag. I'm seeing a lot of crazy flags right now, like swastika Confederate flags and stuff. I'm seeing nuts flags all over the place right now. Swastika Confederate flag is a very interesting flag. There's a lot of hate in that flag. A lot of symbolism, though, and a lot of history. But then they'll put rainbow colors on it because it's also Pride Week. So I don't know what they're saying anymore.

Put a fucking rainbow on it. Didn't we learn anything from Facebook? Put a rainbow on it. Yeah, we all love the gays. Yeah, everybody's bowing up their photos. I saw Ed, you did it. I couldn't figure out how to do that. Me neither.

I tried. I tried to bow it up! You let me be gay. Yeah, your picture is there. See, I don't want to do that because then when you turn it back and it's like you have to be like I hate gays. I don't love gays. A week later, gays are over. Right. Yeah, tomorrow it's over.

Now they're normal people tomorrow. You know, i'm sure somewhere harvey milk is welcome to the club yeah harvey milk is dead in a coffin somewhere and he's like i hope they remember me by by marching and protesting for my rights and what my life was like and it turns out everyone's just having a great time and then putting their facebook picture into a rainbow and thinking they did something good there is a ton of straight people on facebook who like if you go through their profile pictures there's nothing there's no support of straight people on Facebook who, like, if you go through their profile pictures, there's nothing. There's no support of gays at all.

And it's like when the Supreme Court was finally like, oh, this is irreversible. Everyone's like, yeah, I'm on the right side of history. I've been here the whole time. I love gays. I love that. That's, you know, it's so weird. I actually thought the same exact thing. It's like, oh, yeah, like now you're on board.

Yeah, where the fuck were you when it mattered? Yeah. So can we all say if the Confederate flag in South Carolina was replaced with dildos or make it like pizza or something fun that everybody loves, then maybe it's okay? Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe get a Chuck E. Cheese pizza then. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, but the Chuck E. Cheese pizza flag doesn't have any historical... That's the thing. No battles were lost. Well, we don't know what the struggles of the drumming bear in the background. Maybe he wasn't allowed into certain establishments because he is technically a bear. Oh, that's a robot. Oh, that's a robot. Those aren't real?

Nope. Okay. I'll tell you what. A crime on this world was Mauschwitz. Oh, that was sad. Mauschwitz. Yep, that was in 1987. It was in 1987.

It was upstate. Some house had a whole bunch of mice, and they killed them all. Devastating. I remember that story, though. Mauschwitz. Tragic. Tragic stuff. Right?

Yes. Nice work. Nice work, Jackie. You're on fire. Just say yes to change the subject to something else. No, I was just thinking. Nice work, Jackie. You're on fire. Just say yes to change the subject to something else. No, I was just thinking. I was watching this Netflix show. It was about, like, crazy events in nature.

And then I guess in Australia, every, like, it used to be every seven years, but now it's every four years. The household mice has no natural predators. So there are, like, hordes of them every four, now it's every four years, that are everywhere. Millions and millions and millions of them. They don't have cats in Australia? There's no cats in Australia? There are no cats in Australia! The streets are made of cheese! Wow.

Fiefel shouldn't have gone west, it turns out. We should have gone further west. Way, way further west. China! So west, it's east. That's for sure. What do you think about mice, Sarah? I think they're awesome, and I've seen those videos, and they're fucking scary. It's great, and

it's like, this woman's like, the mice, they come in, and they eat, this is, I don't know what accent that was, but they come down, they eat, and they come for me. In Australia, they talk with clicks, right? Put the shrimp on the barbie, please, for me. I was thinking of the Mauchwitz, I think.

They come in and they kill my children. But these mice were just eating her pigs. They were slowly biting away at the pigs in the barn. She was scared to go in the barn. She opened up the barn doors and she's crushing mice as she's walking through trying to get her pigs out of the barn.

Can they do anything? No, there's nothing they can do. Do just hordes of mice and then they go away? You just try and kill as many as possible. Was there nobody to help her? No, she had to get the pigs out. I think she's got to put a top hat and a cane. Put a top hat on one, give it a cane, and see if it can sink. You never know. Can we go back to the news

story for a second? Ice's dildo flag. How desperate is this lady for news? The news is great news. Every pride celebration is so peaceful and celebratory and full of love. Especially right now, this year of all years.

Yeah. And like I think a couple of years ago there was like a beating, right? Sure. Two straight guys. A couple of beat-offs. Beating each other up. Yeah, they're always saying that. Yeah.

Like it's never been a thing. It's always been like a movement of love and nonviolence. What the fuck are they looking for? Yeah, yeah. Any fail digging. What are you digging for? What do you want? Because ISIS is trying to recruit at the gay pride parade, Micah.

They are not. It's so funny because everyone's having a good time around the guy who's waving the flag. Everyone's partying with him. It's a hilarious flag. It's a great flag. And then she's like, oh no. And they like it too.

She's going, finally. Something I can, you know, yeah, make a big stink about. I mean, CNN just likes to make people upset. They don't even tell news. No, they don't say, they don't talk about the news too much. I bet she's one of those chicks that are like rude to the waiter. Maybe. You know what I'm saying?

This is my favorite flag I've ever seen, though, to really get back at ISIS. You know, they're winning the social media war. Everyone thinks they're super cool. This dildo flag is the coolest thing I've seen so far to rebuttal to a rebuttal of the actual ISIS flag. There's butt plugs, there's dildos, there's definitely a cock ring,

I believe, in there. Is that a deuce? I might change my cover picture on Facebook to this dildo flag. I think that's great. It's perfect. Now, you're going to get a little bit of hate because people on the far left are going to call it anti-Islamic. They're going to think you're a little bit of an Islamophobe, so that's not going to be good. Other people aren't going to get it. Oh, they're all upset.

See, that looks just like a – see, the ISIS flag looks like a fun cartoon. It looks like a fun cartoon. Yeah, I agree. Or like a cave painting or something. Yeah, I bet that says something funny. Yeah, I bet. If I read that in language, I'd be like, I bet that says something funny. Pull their pants down.

Ha ha ha. Pull their pants down. TV tiny Matt beat it. It's like ISIS built all their time on hate. They just didn't even try to make a flag. That flag is going viral. People love the ISIS flag. People don't love the ISIS flag.

They do. It's garbage. I think the ISIS flag is actually more popular in America right now than the Confederate flag. Walmart was asked to make a Confederate flag birthday cake. They said no, and then somebody asked for an ISIS cake, and they did it. No way. True story. Wow.

I follow the Blaze on Twitter. That's going back to that. I think it's just a lot easier to make an ISIS flag cake than it is to make a fucking Yeah, because it's the icing. Oh, it's the icing cake. No, ISIS, yeah, sure. Spinks. Nope. It's changing.

And it's changing. Don't you want to change him, Holden? Unchange him. Unspinks. Thank you. Is it Spinks or Spinks? What the fuck is going on? Leonard Spinks.

I got to go lose to Mike Tyson. I'll be right back. He went back in time. Had to get him beat up by Mike Tyson. That's a Quantum Leap episode that should have happened. I think it kind of did, actually. Do you think that they're selling knitted ISIS flags on Etsy?

Oh, probably. I like that. And yeah, has Etsy stopped selling ISIS flags on Amazon? I would get like potholder ISIS flags. It's too hot. It's all fucking butterflies.

It's all ISIS like the Egyptian god. Oh. Typical. It's all fucking butter. It's all ISIS, like the Egyptian god. Oh! Oh, typical. Fucking Etsy showing off. I'm gonna get shit-faced, and I'm gonna fucking sew myself a fucking ISIS flag. Oh, you can get one that says fuck ISIS in Arabic script.

Oh, then you just erase the... Oh, it just says fuck. It's in Arabic. I can read that language. Did anybody get a chance to see the video? It was a 17-minute long video. They edited it down to two and a half minutes, but an ISIS soldier put a GoPro on his helmet, I suppose.

I don't know if the GoPro... Was he riding a bike? No, he was not. Was he snowboarding? No, he was not, and that's usually what it's for. Wind surfing, snowboarding, doing random... Extreme sports, being inside of waves. But in this situation, you got to see what 17 minutes of war looked like when you're fighting for ISIS.

I believe this was in Saudi Arabia or right outside. It was insane. Not Saudi Arabia. I'm sorry, Syria. It was absolutely nuts. And war just looks like a lot of exercise, a lot of running around. And I thought it could be a good program if we got kids involved. They could start dropping some pounds.

And maybe get a six-pack. What are some of the highlights from the two and a half minutes? It looked exactly. Holden, you'll know about what Call of Duty looks like. It looks exactly like a video game. Exactly like Call of Duty. Yeah, but look at all the palm trees. It's like they're on vacation.

It's a beautiful area. So this is just that guy watching. It's not that beautiful. It's a little war-torn. It's a little bit war-torn, but you can imagine it's a fixer-upper. Well, it's finally going to happen. But that's where we're at now in technology, where people are filming themselves fighting. And you know this guy was like, I'm going to get so many likes on Instagram.

And then, of course, he ends up dying at the end of it. I heard that palm trees aren't native to Los Angeles. Do you think that they had to bring in the palm trees? No, it's all fucking deserts out there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where the palm tree comes from. This feels like a real ragtag operation that you could really move up in the ranks in quickly. I mean, everyone's getting killed all the time.

Oh, sure. Yeah. I think the round table gentleman. It seems like it would be like, you know. If you stay alive for a year, you're in charge. Oh, you get to be, yeah. All causes aside, and like, I don't think war would be fun, All causes aside, I don't think war would be fun.

But I think it would be more fun to fight for a ragtag operation like that than the regimented military on the other side. Yeah, like a saving private Ryan. It would be like Firefly. You'd just believe that you're saving the world with your weird friends and there's the girl and the old preacher. I love the analogy. That guy with old preacher. I love the analogy. The guy with one eye. I like the analogy as well

but I feel like fighting for ISIS would be very similar to playing Resident Evil 1 or Nemesis where you're constantly out of ammo and you're just like

god damn it I've got to go to a blown out car and try to get a battery and put it in this stupid ass car as opposed to ink things to save. Yeah but also

isn't that a fun note? If you're the US military though you're Resident Evil 4 and they're just like here god damn it You need big things to save. Yeah, but also, isn't that fun, though? If you're the U.S. military, though, you're Resident Evil 4. Spinks. God damn it! If I get spinked one more time, I will lose my mind. He got your ass.

I said spink, man. I'm making an analogy. Fighting for the U.S. is like fighting in Resident Evil 4. I haven't known what we've been talking about for the past two minutes. All right. That's why I yelled spinks. Is that how it works? That's how it works. I like that it's Spinks, though.

It's a better video game. Spinks. Spinks. Once you win a game, then you get to play the game again. You get all the ammo and shit, so you don't have to redo it. The U.S. already has all the ammo.

ISIS is in round one of Resident Evil 1, so it's more fun to have the goods. You roll up in a little ball. You go fast. You loop-de-loops. Yeah, and sometimes you're underwater. You got to fight Macho Man, and then the Sandman, and then you got to fight Mike Tyson.

Yeah. Eddie's back! Eddie's back! And I want to be where you're at right now, but I'm struggling so hard today. I just want to nail it like you're doing. Good God, Eddie's on fucking fire. I want to fucking be there. I want to be, at least I get to watch it happen.'re doing it. Good God, Eddie's on fucking fire. I want to fucking be there. I want to be, at least I get to watch it happen.

It feels good. It's nice. So CNN blew this coverage. They were ridiculously stupid, and they were trying to drum up controversy at a nice event such as the Gay Pride Parade. All right, so there's another story involving ISIS. Is there not, Mary? Yes, there is. How much ISIS news can there be?

When do we start telling them they can't have the news anymore? I mean, they are the news. They're big money makers. Omaha man said he joined Islamic State because Humane Society took his cat. I love it. So the Humane Society went in, stole this man's cat, and he said he was going to go kill them all and he's going to join ISIS to do it. What was wrong with the cat? I don't know.

He was a bad man. He was a bad cat. They took the cat because he was tossing it in the air and letting it drop to the ground in March. Well, you just had to. In March of all months. Everyone knows you toss cats in the air. No, you toss them in June. You toss them in July.

You don't toss a cat in March. I used to do that with my cat. I used to flip it upside down and watch it land on its feet. Yeah, you could toss a cat off a third floor balcony and it lives. Well, don't do that. You can, though. You can. You can put it in a cannon and shoot it across the field.

They actually prefer that. Yeah, I've heard that about cats. This is what you do with a cat, though. You kind of toss it up. What do you think? You sit quietly and you watch a little X-Files and you pet it. When you love something, you don't throw it. If it's a playful thing, if it's a playful cat, I have met cats that you throw them in

the air and they come right back to you for another toss. I have no friend to cats. I do not enjoy them. You don't like animals in general, though, right? I like a doggie. You like dogs? You need to spend a little time. I didn't used to like cats. And then I lived with a cat, and now I love cats.

I do love cats. I lived with a couple cats. Can't say I ever liked one. Well, there's something wrong with you. I like pussy. How am I doing, Eddie? You're doing great, buddy. That's funny.

Thank you. I like Mike Tyson's pussy. How am I doing? He's a rapist. Put a burqa on it Was this guy from Omaha Muslim Or was he just like fuck it Nope just fuck it

Oh my god that's crazy And they accepted him No You know what the fuck the thing is They probably killed this fucking cat That is the truth No humane society is no kill Your boyfriend works for the humane society is no kill.

Your boyfriend works for the humane society. Yes, they do. Humane societies kill all the time. They are a no-kill shelter. Well, they give it to somebody to do the killing for them, which is even worse. That's why they took the cat back. That was a bad humane society. Usually they do a bunch of interviews

so they make sure you're not a fucking creep, and then you get the cat. He had to be doing much something bad. He was throwing the cat up in there and letting it drop. Tossing a cat. Everyone tosses cats. What happened with this guy? He said, I'm going to fight with ISIS.

Nothing happened. How is that news that he's like, I'm going to go do this thing and then it's in the paper? How is that a fucking news story? Crazy man says a thing. What is happening in the paper yeah how's that how's that a fucking news crazy man says a thing what what is this what is happening in the world this is omaha nebraska i saw the movie i'll tell you what we're all trying to scream to a microphone in new york city if we want to be heard we just need to go somewhere like that omaha.com come on down buddy i love it you're right though this shouldn't be the news, but of course it's a very inflammatory term, and people want to bring up this idea of ISIS wherever they can.

I just love it, though. In these kind of situations, someone says, they're like, I'm going to say the craziest thing, and I'm going to go do it like a fucking child, like that fucking pastor that said he was going to set himself on fire if the gay marriage, a whole bullshit, got passed. He did say he was going to set himself on fire, but he did not say he was going to set himself on fire if the gay marriage a whole bullshit got passed. He did say he was going to set himself

on fire, but he did not say he was going to set himself on fire until death. If I was him, I'd light my pinky on fire. Did he do it, though?

No! He's got to do a little bit, though. He's got to do something. He's got to. There was a priest who, there was somebody who did set himself on fire

and it didn't, like, nobody knew about it. But it wasn't for the fucking cover of the Rage Against the It wasn't for the wrong side side of history it wasn't for the same thing it was like he was like he wanted people to be more like humane or something he's like i he like it was how he killed himself as he like said it was immolation and like but i and i i would have to look it up and i apologize he martyred himself but it was like he was like i want people to like be kinder to each other or something and this is like gonna bring attention. And in his dying, he wanted this big movement.

And then I read a tiny article about it, and no one – So everyone in the article, they're like, what a fucking loser burning himself off. I know, right? It's like he wanted to beat my wife. It seems kind of antithetical, like, oh, let's all be nice. I'm going to burn myself alive. I will say, the wrong side of history argument I don't really like because it has this idea of history is just history. And it's kind of exciting.

You don't really take these people. You have to take context into it. Not to alert. Not to alert. No, what I am saying is, what I am saying is, it is like people being like, in 50 years, everyone's going to hate those people. But what if in 50 years as a country we find out that Scalia and Alito and Thomas were on the right side of history in some bizarre way.

No, Supreme Court justices. Oh, I thought it was the pop singer that sang Try Again and died in a plane crash. Right, I'm just saying we don't know where the country is going to be in 50 years. Maybe we'll be a little ISIS ourselves. You gotta make sure you pronounce both the A's. Oh, Leah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. We have a dad. If we could change Alito for Aaliyah, I think Aaliyah would still be alive. I remember I was at a party. We were all rolling face back when Molly was still called rolls. Yeah. Ecstasy. We were getting all fucking nuts at this crazy party, and there was a bunch of us, probably like 20 of us,

just going at it and having a good time. Giving each other massages. Yeah, massages, like fix, vapor, rub, you know, the whole nine. Yeah. And this girl who's at the party, she leaves her a little bit, and she comes back. It's like 3 in the morning in the middle of Gainesville, and she's like, everybody, turn off the music.

Stop everything. Aaliyah just died in a plane crash. They were like, lock her on the porch. Oh, man. You're like, sit on the porch for an hour by yourself. Oh, the bearer of bad news. Don't bring down the mood. Oh, my God.

You've got to do that. Yeah, that is the thing to do, definitely. It's sad for her, but don't do that. Especially when you don't give a shit. I remember when that went down, and I was like, I do not care about her one-hit song or whatever. She's no martyr for me. The baby thing, where she would do the dance where her arms would flap. That's all I remember about her.

She did the flappy arm dance. I love the flappy arm dance. It's amazing. I also love you described your roles as the whole nine. That's how people describe the truck driver company picnic. They're like, they had pig, cow, chicken, a bunch of great bands. The whole nine. And he's just like, we were doing-

It was in Florida. Did you have glow sticks? Yeah, we had glow sticks. We had the snappy bracelets. Oh, that's fun. Perfect. Pacifiers. We were having fun.

Pacifiers. I love it. I never want to see you with a pacifier. You never will. You missed that part of my life. Oh, thank God. A gas mask and like those boots with the big fur on them. Someone made me do Molly on New Year's and I hate it. Why?

It's just not for me, man. I don't need it. It makes them too loving. It makes them too. Yeah, I'm already in a good mood. I don't... I decided for myself that I'd stop doing ecstasy a bunch of years ago, and then I got dosed at a bachelor party. Dosed?

Yeah, it was on a beer, and a guy gave me the beer, and I was like, oh, thanks. So you know somewhere a chick that he was with wasn't passing out or tripping and all, and I was like. What the fuck? Did I give that cup to Micah? God damn it. I drugged Micah Sherman.

I have to go rape him. I never understood the idea of dosing anyone over anything. It's like you're just giving away free drugs. It was The Bachelor, so he was already incredibly fucked up. And it was his prerogative to i guess to dose me against my will i just felt like i was immediately coming down like i drank the beer when you're drinking too and you don't know about it and i had already done a bunch of other stuff the whole weekend but yeah it was just awful just a bad time yeah it's just it puts you in too good of a mood especially

when it's against your will. I got it against my will once time, too. When? I got fish hooked one time by this girl I knew. What? Yeah, she put a bunch of molly on her finger, and she reached behind me and put her fish hooker. You know, like, got her finger in my mouth and, like, fucking, like, pulled my cheek aside and said, you got fish hooked.

There was molly on that. You know, just fucking tripping all night. You know, just, like, all mad about it. That's the thing people do, fish hooking? Fish hooking. I mean, I've heard it as like a torture or something that's not fun. But with drugs on your finger. But again, why give away your drugs to someone that doesn't want it? I keep it for me.

Anybody else been dosed? I keep it for me. Were you dosed? No, I'm always shaking people down. Yeah, you're always shaking people down. Yeah, you're always shaking people down. Yeah, where is it? You look like you're smiling. Where is it?

The one person here who would love to be dosed has never been dosed. Never dosed. I've literally zero times in my life ever been even offered ecstasy. I'm hanging out with the wrong people, I guess. I don't know. Maybe we're just not cool, Sarah. I mean, these guys are giving to them, and they're upset and whining. Oh, my fucking Christ.

I'm leaving my beers all over the place. I'm buying six beers, leaving them wherever. Yeah, exactly. It's like fishing. Like mice traps. You're like, I need to get some good sleep tonight. I'm going to go to the bar and just buy. They're like, no, we're there.

Like, pass. I've seen that show, Wicked Tuna. It's like Wicked Tuna, but looking for drugs. And you go back, and you shake the cans. You're like, God damn it. Nothing. That's so sad. I'll drug you, Sarah. Thanks. I appreciate that. One time I took a rip on a blunt that tasted

funny and I was like, what's in this? And it was like a thug dude and he started laughing and I think I might have been cracking that blunt. You called a... That's the only time I've been close to getting dosed. He can say thug. Yeah, it's probably just coke. He's allowed to say thug. I just want to know what Holden... What is a thug? Oh, it's probably just coke. He's allowed to say thug. I just want to know what Holden, what is a thug?

Oh, big, mean man. Huge tits. Red hair, big tits. I'm a thug. So Mary. Big double tits. Oh my goodness. Leave her alone, Eddie.

She's doing us a favor. What is wrong with you, Eddie? She's a thug. She can take it. Mary. Mary Jane. Watch your beverages around Eddie. He's feeling a little bit She can take it! Mary Jane! Watch your beverages around Eddie. He's feeling a little weird. And Mary, apparently. Sarah.

Sarah's the one with the drugs. No, I meant Mary is a thug and she's gonna put drugs in my mouth. We already got that, Jackie. Spank. It was... Thank you, Sarah. Unbelievable. Thugs for drugs, man.

Thugs for drugs. Tickets and nugs. Take thugs, not drugs. Hell yeah. Thugs and nugs. Maybe a couple bugs. A couple bugs stinging you, getting in your eyes. It's really one of the easiest sort of sounds to rhyme.

Lugs and gugs. Bugs. Jugs. What's a gug? Oh, a gug? That's a milky bug. That's a bug all covered in milk. Trying to feed itself to a baby.

Look at that little gug. They're always fucking doing that, man. I'm back, baby. Hold it. Fucking hold. Looper. Run. Yes.

Jinx! Now you've got to murder a bunch of people and get away with it. Oh my God. You can't self-proclaim. Oh God, he's killing me. He's getting out. You've got to get away with it now.

Eddie, stop killing Jackie. The whole thing is flawed. Please, God, someone jinx me. Holden said you can't self-proclaim that you're back. People have to tell you you're back. I'm back, baby. You also have to be on fire like three in a row. You can't just do one.

The nail in the coffin. All right, he's back. It doesn't matter. Jackie, are you undead? Honk, honk. He's back. Micah Sherman is back. Micah Sherman is back. Micah Sherman is back Micah Sherman is back

Round tabler of the year 2017 Let's do it We're still doing this show I'll shoot myself in the head I hate coming here Mary, let's move on to some stories We got some gun stories speaking of shooting Do you guys want gun stories

or do you guys want monkey news? Monkey news Japanese women go ape Oh, well, do you guys want gun stories or do you guys want monkey news? Japanese women go ape over surprisingly handsome gorilla. Let's see. Ed. It is just Ed. He's in a zoo. It's Ed.

It is a very handsome gorilla. Ew, no, he's not. He's got no nose. Look at his eyes. It's a gorilla. I mean, it's literally a gorilla. He has, I like him because he has the exact same. He looks like The Rock. He does. You know what? He does look like The He's a gorilla. I mean, it's literally a gorilla. He has... I like him because he has the exact... He looks like The Rock. He does...

You know what? He does look like The Rock. All right. That's okay to say he's Italian. Okay. All right. I was going to say... This is why I said don't do the story, Mary.

He's Italian. It's fine. I like the story. I like him because he has the same sideburns as Tom Jones. I like that. He looks like he's about to bust out into a love song. That's racist. Can we hear two more sentences from that story?

Yes. A surprisingly hunky male gorilla, Shabani, has female humans going ape after mug shots of the 18-year-old animal began going viral on Twitter. He's legal. 18, baby. Why are they mug shots? They're just pictures. What did he do? Did he fucking steal a...

No, my favorite part of this little vine here is when he looks up. He looks up like he's doing something bad. You want to get spanked by this gorilla? No, he'll fucking beat you up. He looks like he'd be real mean to me. I'm into it.

I've got bad news. He's taken. Now I'm double into it! Is it got bad news. He's taken. Now I'm double into it. Is it that fucking slut giraffe? I play Mary. According to officials, the gorilla has two wives. Two wives? Oh, yeah. It's fucking Japanese in their Mormon beliefs.

Two children. Well, you know, he's young. Typical gorilla. These apes, man, I tell you, they just can't stick with one woman. They fucking hate gorillas. I love a good gorilla. There's nothing bad about him. I think that this guy is super cute, though.

He's 18 years old. Good looking. He is very good looking. He is. As far as he can make a stuffed animal out of this. Well, don't. I think a lot of it's in the eyes there. He's got some very, very sultry, handsome eyes.

You're so expressive. Okay, Marius, we've had enough. I want to see him work out. Yeah, sure. I'd like to see him in a muscle tee and some Daisy Dukes. Oh, my God. Venice Beach? Bring a gorilla to Venice Beach?

You're the most popular guy in America. Absolutely. Gold chains. There's a movie coming out called Ted 2, and it's discussing a very interesting topic of animal rights and do they have rights. I think that this creature deserves to make some money off of the goddamn zoo treatment he's been having. Are you shilling for Ted 2 now? No, not for Ted 2. This is really weird.

But it is actually very interesting. Ted 2 is bringing up some legal arguments about what is a living creature, what are rights for, obviously, tattooists and everything. The fucking bear. He's a fake bear. I can't give animals more rights than they already have. I want more rights for animals. That man should be making a cut from the door.

Slippery slope. Slippery slope. It's like a gateway drug. It's just like marijuana. I love that gorilla, and he's making bank money. He's an internet sensation. I think he should be freed from the zoo and allowed to tour. He doesn't want to be free. He love that gorilla, and he's making bank money. He's an internet sensation. I think he should be freed from the zoo and allowed to tour. He doesn't want to be free. He's fucking living the life.

He's got two fucking wives. He's got kids. He wants to be on tour? Why wouldn't he? He's 18 years old. He's a young man in his prime. Next thing you know, you're going to see a gorilla getting married to a bag of crack cocaine. Yeah, that's the next step.

Slippery. Slippery fucking slope. He's going to start doing drugs if he goes on tour. Slippery fucking slope. He's gonna start doing drugs if he goes on tour. Why would he start doing drugs? He's a gorilla. You gotta stay up city to city. You gotta be ready to perform. Something to balance out those Jack and Cokes. He does just have to sit there for

his performance. I'm not saying make him the next Chuck E. Cheese drummer. He just has to sit there and be a model. But how is that more rights than him hanging out in his apartment or whatever? Because he's going to get money, craft services. He's going to get photo shoots, nice hats. He can't have money because he doesn't have any pockets. They literally call it a money pocket.

Put pants on the damn thing. Put him in a double-breasted suit. He's going to sit up there with a newspaper in his arms, sit on the stool there. Exactly. Next thing you know, the Lincoln Monument's gone. This guy is sitting there. He's the new ruler and we have the planet of the apes

and finally peace on earth. I've seen it. I've seen Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Exactly. And I've seen Rise of the fucking Planet of the fucking Apes. I love this. Peace on earth begin with him.

The movie the new Planet of the Apes not the two new ones but the one before that the Tim Burton Are you talking about Mark Wahlberg? Nobody else knows these movies. Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. Yeah. But the moment when the apes fight the humans and they go to battle, when they're just running on all fours, that's the coolest part. It is the coolest part. Wow.

That's what you had to say about this. I like watching gorillas run. Yeah, I agree. If I have a dog, I'm going to name it Barkwalberg. So think about all that. Yeah, I just named my first dog. Ben is fucking back. Am I back?

Ben is fucking back. Honk, honk, Ben. Honk, honk, indeed. That's great. So the zoo is doing well, and women are loving him. Yep. Perfect. That's a. So, good. The zoo is doing well, and women are loving them. Yep. Perfect. That's a great story, Mary.

Watch fucking Citizen 4, man. You'll learn about censorship in America. What happened to Citizen 4? They're listening to us. Yeah, they're listening right fucking now. I hope so. We put it out there for all the people. Turn the location off on your phone.

You think that does anything? It fucking doesn't. Hell yeah. I played Foursquare before Yeah, Hopscotch 2 Citizen 4 is a great documentary about Edward Snowden Which is kind of fun Check it out

Oh, he's an American hero And he will be back in America in a couple of years Once we know for sure that he won't be sentenced to death Exposed America Showed its dick I love that we still don't know anything Yeah, I love it We still don't know anything Yeah We know it all

We know everything I don't know anything Well Breaking news Lindsey Graham is gay Okay That's this news I wasn't able to do Top Hat today

So I have to say Lindsey Graham is gay He's Lindsey Graham He is gay He's never Lindsey Graham's the guy Running for president He's a Republican

He's never been married He would be the only bachelor Not the only The second bachelor president But he's gay You'd think he'd really use that he's like oh we just had a black president

don't we want to like the first gay president you would think the other bachelor president he might have been it certainly wasn't Taft man that'd be crazy if a gay president

this is Lindsey Graham there he is that's such a good picture oh yeah is he licking his lips in that picture I think he's licking his teeth he looks like Jared Logan licking all lips in that picture? I think he's licking his teeth. He looks like Jared

Logan. Licking all of his molars with his entire tongue. He's a Louisiana. He looks like Jared Logan. No, he's a South Carolina guy. Alright, anyway. Well, his name is Lindsay. Do you think it's like Fleetwood Mac Lindsay? Could be. No, he's older than that. He's an old man. Yeah, he's in his 70s.

Fleetwood Mac, the mediocre band you mean? Oh! Whoa! No! He's an old man Fleetwood Mac The mediocre band You mean Mediocre Oh Whoa No Right out this Fucking door

I'm just trying to Help the way This fly brings you down Buddy I'm just trying to Get everybody mad I'm just trying to Get her fucking

You got everybody mad I'm just trying to Get her I love fucking rumors I'm kidding Shots fired I was singing Fleetwood Mac This morning Playing guitar Oh I love Fleetwood Mac Yeahots fired. I was singing Fleetwood Mac this morning playing guitar.

Oh, I love Fleetwood Mac. What were you playing a guitar? What song were you playing? I don't know how to play guitar. It was Landslide. Of course. So beautiful. And if we think about what we're doing to those people over there.

Where over there? Which over there? Well, I will tell you one thing. No. Up yonder or down yonder? What is the largest mountain in the NSA. Where over there? Which over there? Well, what? I will tell you one thing. No. Up yonder or down yonder? What is the largest mountain in the world? Everest. Etna.

India. Etna. So India? Are you talking about the India? Those are ringing a bell. Crossword clue. Antarctica. Antarctica.

Mount Everest. Mount Everest. Mount Everest in India. They're all dying in landslides. I said it already. Sherpa. You did? Sherpa, yeah.

They're all dying. I love- You said that, Eddie? Well, Nepal. You guys have seen pictures Of those Dead hikers and stuff Yeah they just leave them there

On Mount Everest Yeah they use them As landmarks Yeah Awesome So cool There's also There's a website

Where you can go And look And explore it And shit And then I went And I looked for the dead bodies But I couldn't find them You know what

One nice thing is The one fun thing About constantly being Surrounded by people Who are dead and encapsulated in ice is you can always just be like, at least I'm not that guy. Yeah. As a go-to. But after a while, you're like, all right, Ben, I get it. At least you're not that guy. Like, after the fifth guy. I got gout and I'm really hungry.

My wife left me. My kids hate me and I don't have a cell phone. At least I'm not that guy. It's kind of funny, though. All right. What's the... And the Sherpa pushes you down the mountain. Yeah. No more of your jokes

funny man. We rather him dead. I guess they talk like, I guess they're Russian partially. Yeah, yeah, I like that. Um, yeah. What's the point of climbing Mount Everest? They do it now. To do it. They do Mount Everest now like such a cattle call Bunch of bullshit

You know the story where the strippers go up the day before And they set up everybody's camps They literally have dinner set up for them And it's all hot food like fondue And wine and shit But it's a hard thing to do It's not that hard when you grab a rope Oh you're saying you can do it?

Anyone can do it No that is not true You can't breathe You have to carry oxygen with you And you can do it? Anyone can do it. No, that is not true. You can't breathe. Literally, it's like you can't breathe. You have to carry oxygen with you. Sherpas carry the oxygen. They're like, sir, do you want some?

You pay bunches and bunches of money to these really poor people. Look, if it was easy to do, then they would have taken those dead bodies and buried them somewhere else. But it's hard. No, it's hard to get a body out of there. No, it's not. Sure it is. It's a hair dryer. It's a fucking shovel. They have bodies still stuck up there. Because helicopters can't fly that high up. There's not enough oxygen.

That's a fucking high. The point is you can't take one of those bodies and then put it on your back and go back down the mountain. I mean, it's a mountain. I don't understand. Or roll it down. Get that guy from Omaha to whip it down. That's a good idea.

No, you can climb Mount Everest right now very, very easy. Seven-year-olds are doing it now. I saw a great 30 for 30. They interviewed an actual Mount Everest climber. They made a whole trail for him. All the Sherpas died on the way up. And now people can just pay

like 50 grand and go get it done super, super easy. Bunch of lazy pieces of shit. 50 grand? It's expensive. I think it's more than 50 grand. Isn't it like crazy? I wouldn't feel the same satisfaction if I paid $50,000 to do something.

Because you've got to buy people's lives that are taking you up there. They walk in these huge lines. Hundreds of people are on the peak of Mount Everest whenever you get to the actual peak. It's like a fucking subway car. An Everest climb starts around $35,000 because the mountain permits begin around $10,000. Dude, it's crazy.

Yeah, they just buy their way up there and they have to walk for a couple of days. But it's so easy. Nothing's hard anymore. That's crazy. Yeah, they just buy their way up there. And they have to walk for a couple of days. But it's so easy. Nothing's hard anymore. If I had $50,000... It's hard for the Sherpas. Yeah, it's hard to be... Not everybody can be a Sherpa.

Only Sherpas can be Sherpas. I think it's hard to fight with ISIS. That's a hard job. That's a damn truth. Now, that's the new thing to brag about. That's the new Mount Everest. I'm hard right now. We'll do a round table on the top of Mount Everest.

We can have him go set up this whole program up there. Let's play look at it with that. He's hard. Kind of different than I thought it was going to look like. We'll do a snail shell at the top. There's like three kinks in it. Turtle shell. Turtle shell dick.

I guess that's why you get girls. Never understood why they would want to be with you. Oh, man. It's weird. Rowan says in the chat, Ben climbs for 30 minutes coming in June. Climbs for 30 minutes. I'll call it the death episode. There's no way I can do that.

I got to sit. How many episodes of that did you do? I have. There's one that may not be released yet. Why? I don't know. What, Mary? Because it was fucking what, Mary?

All right, let's do a little inside story here. Is it a synonym for unlistenable? All right. That's the name of Holden's band. Holden promised to talk for 30 minutes. The Unlistenables. What is happening right now? No, Holden is a great band, the Cowmen, that are doing very, very well.

Oh, name of my face is the ugliest. The ugliest, yeah. This is the independent project. What are we, roasting me right now? No one's roasting you. You are sweating, though. Yeah, you're sweating profusely. The reason why, this is the thing I don't understand about Ed with women,

is that he's been with some of the most beautiful women I've ever met and some of the nastiest dogs I've ever met. What are you talking about? Why are you going so personal here? Who hasn't been with a dirty girl? What happened? What happened? Eddie gets a lot of fine ladies.

Sometimes looks aren't the thing. No, definitely not. Sometimes there's no pretty girls around. I'm always stunned. Women like ugly men. They really do. When you're climbing up Mount Everest you've got to bed down with whoever's there.

That's true. But I do want to get to the bottom of this. Holden said in the month of June he was going to release four segments. No, I didn't. Each called Holden Speaks for 30 Minutes. Publicly? No. I never said that publicly. Privately then. What happened to the one? What could he have possibly

said? Because three were released. Two were released. There, off the record. What happened to the one? What could he have possibly said? Because three were released. Two were released. Two were released. Two were released. Yes. There may be another one. And oh, there's infinite amounts that could ever yet to be recorded. Holden could talk for 30 minutes for what?

For at least 200 minutes. Jesus Christ. Oh, okay. There's plenty more to come. Any specific notes on the unreleased one? Yeah, Mary. Unreleased one. What is so bad and terrible about it? I don't know. I haven't listened to come. Any specific notes on the unreleased one? Yeah, Mary, what is so bad and terrible about it? I don't know. I haven't

listened to it because it is unlistenable. Zang! Good God! The only unreleased one's the only one I've heard. Yeah, you were there. I was in the studio for that one. Yeah.

I sat down, I drank three beers and I heard him spit the vomit, and it was entertaining. Any notes, Eddie? Any notes for Holden? I changed nothing. Holden, are all these up to your artistic standards? Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

You just say, I mean, you say it, you get it done. Yeah. Sarah, as a fan, what do you think about Holden talking for 30 minutes? He's a big fan of me. As a big fan and also the person in the group that I direct. Yes. It's a funny thing. I'm fascinated right now.

Holden lets your student talk. I'm just saying I'm fascinated. Sarah, you pay him so he works for you. That's right. Think about him. Sarah, he's on the street when you fire his ass. We're not doing that. Sarah, okay, we're not doing it.

Sarah, what do you want to say to your employee? I think, well, I want to say. Open forum. Let him have it. Let's give him an evaluation. All right, this is going to be a difficult conversation for both of us. I was a lonely kid. I had a hard time growing up.

I'm just throwing it out there. You're a great director of National Scandal. We all agree. You may not agree with that. When he talks for 30 minutes, Sarah. Here's the funny thing about you talking for 30 minutes. I didn't download that or listen to it ever. Very good.

Perfect. That's great. I mean, you know, but I listen to you talk a lot. It's just I didn't get... Sometimes I see Ed talking to a girl at a bar when he's single and I'm like, is it a monster? And I'm like, no, that is indeed a woman he's taking home with him. Why are you attacking Ed?

He gets laid all the time. Yeah, all the time. Way more, I'm sure, than you do. Oh, I'm fucking practically No you do. Oh, I get... I'm fucking practically... No, you have an indentured servant. I'm just an asshole.

You just... Why anyone with a bunch of wine? I only get laid by my beautiful girlfriend. Yeah, your girlfriend. I'm talking about before. I'm not talking about now. You can't say

I get laid all the time. You know, it's just... You gotta, you know, now it's down. Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. It's not called getting laid when you're with, like, when you're, the time. You know, it's just you got to, you know, now it's down. Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. It's not called getting laid when you're with, like, when you're, like, with. Yeah, it's called fucking a bunch.

Holden McNeely is the Ariel Castro of the roundtable of gentlemen. Lick, lick, stick. Yeah. Is he going to kill himself, sir? It's an Ariel Castro joke about Holden McNeely, how he kept a woman, how he's keeping a woman captive in his apartment right now, and she desperately wants to leave, but she's tied to a radiator. I put it in her last night, I'll tell you what. My girlfriend?

Yeah. No, not yours. Whoa! I'm just trying to stir up drama between you and me. I'm trying to start a feud to distract from people talking about my artistic projects. I mean, I don't understand. Are you upset that people don't like the show that's terrible? Am I an artist? Is he an artist? You might ask.

Is that what I'm supposed to ask? Hold on. Is he an artist? Or is he just a... Just a what? Passive aggressive comments be made throwing my way when it's like, oh, did he sit down? Did he say stuff for 30 minutes? It's difficult. I sweat easily.

It's hot in here. Yeah, I do it all the time. Jackie, your Etsy page is gay. Yeah, baby. Yeah, I just saw my panties. Use panties. All right, Mary. Should we do another story?

Let's do another story. Iowa grants gun permits to the blind. Hell yeah. All right, so Iowa granted some gun permits to some blind people. Is it just some blind people or all blind people immediately get the permit? I don't know. I mean, I think they have to be able to find it, seek it out, sign it. There's a whole bunch of different things that they would have to do, I would assume. But what do you think?

Guns for the blind? Sure. I mean, who is more likely to be a victim of an armed robbery? Somebody you can see or somebody who is blind? I think actually if you're blind, you probably have less of a chance of shooting a loved one because you can hear better. You know, like when you go – when people shoot their family members and stuff, it's because they can't see them. Right. Like daredevil.

Yeah. Sure. And if your hearing is heightened, you're probably not – you know what grandma sounds like when she's walking around. Sure. And you're not going to shoot her. So I think it's probably good for blind people to be able to have a gun in their own home, especially if they live by themselves. I mean, honestly, I watched a great ESPN documentary about a blind. Stuart Scott's not blind.

Not Stuart Scott. He died of cancer. He did? He died. Stuart Scott's not blind. Not Stuart Scott. He died of cancer. He did? He died. Stuart Scott's dead? Yeah. Stuart Scott's dead. I knew that!

Stuart Scott. But anyway, the blind person can hear the heartbeat of the person. They understood so many different surrounding things

than you would when grips were moving and shit. with the blind. That is probably true. That's what happened. No touch involved. You would do great

with the blind as a matter of fact. Oh, what I would say would be like, oh, he's dying ugly. No,

because of all the bumps. Yeah, they would be like, I feel like I'm reading you like a book. That was one of my roast jokes for tomorrow, for next week,

for Kevin's roast. What? Good one. Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary,. Yeah. Good one. Mary, what is happening? You got a piece on your neck. Holden's on blinddate.com and his profile. Happily in a relationship.

It says, I'm an open book. And it's just pictures of his neck. I'm hilarious. That was one of my jokes. Wow. Fucking lord. That's hilarious. That was one of my that was one of my jokes for the roast next week. What was the joke, Eddie, now that it's been taken?

One person could read me. I gotta look it up. I gotta find it now. No, that's how good you are, Mary. You just zanged him out of the water. No, Mary's joke was actually better than mine.

I think it was Holden's an open book because I don't remember what it is. Holden doesn't have that many bumps on his neck. That ruins the mystique. Actually, I had a fan come and view our apartment. And when he showed up to come look at the apartment, because I was moving out to take my room or whatever,

he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, your neck is all bumpy. Oh, boy. That was the first thing he said to me have you ever had a beard holding uh no i shaved this i'm actually this is probably as far as it gets right now yeah he does shave it i like to keep it clean shaven no you don't have the ability to grow a beard i had i feel like it would come in like a douchebags you know like yeah i know what you're saying it'll come in like a douche. I'll have like a weird chin strap thing. Come in like a douche and I'm rolling in the night.

Yeah, baby. All right. So either way, Mary, I still miss your fuck. Mary, what other mean things do you have to say to me? No, I want to hear the original joke that I missed. You want to hear the original joke? Yeah, what was that joke? It's that he would be great for the blind because he has war and peace and bumps on his neck.

Yeah. Perfect joke. Mary's a slut. Good joke. Mary's a slut. Lupe Rodriguez! Hell yeah. I just slut shamed Mary.

How do you feel about that? Here's my joke. I just found it. Oh, you did? Holden's body is so lumpy, blind men keep trying to read him, but they can't because their fingers keep slipping off his greasy skin. Perfect joke. Okay. Well, now he's not going to use it.

All right. That's one of the jokes you can expect not to hear this July 5th for the roast. He sees a five-year-old boy and he thinks, ooh, sexy, sexy. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm doing a plug for the roast. July 5th. 8 p.m. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. The creek in the cave.

Right? The roast of Kevin Barnett. Okay, we got through it together. Roastmasters, me and Ben. Jackie will be on the dais. Kevin on the barbie. Kevin, Jeffrey Joseph will be on the dais. Is that because he's extra crispy? Mookie will technically be back inis. Kevin on the barbie. Kevin, Jeffrey Joseph will be on the dais. Is that because he's extra crispy? Mookie will technically

be back in Queens. I'm ready. Himesh Patel will be on the dais. Well, you're just naming people that nobody knows. Yeah. Our fans know these people.

They're on the show. Yeah, that is very true. All right. Mary. Mary's falling apart over here. Mary is doing surgery on the computer's mouse.

The batteries in the mouse died. Mary is frantically trying to get it to work again. Mary can't do it. Mary can't do it. Talk about holding its neck for 20 minutes. It doesn't matter, Mary. Sweet karma. Sweet, delicious justice.

Served by our Lord God. Straight to Mary. You took down the tech girl. We're not paying. You really took her down. Unbelievable, Holden. Very, very nice of you. What do you think?

Do I have time to go pee? I think you have time to go pee. I don't want to miss this segment. It's my favorite part of the day. No, we won't. We'll talk for another 20 minutes or so. You don't know what this segment is? No.

Well, it's going to be a fun, sticky surprise for you. It will be a fun, sticky surprise for you. It will be a fun, sticky surprise for everybody. Let's see. So let's move on to a different topic. Let's discuss... Spinks! Yay! Now you have to jerk

off in front of us. Let's do it. Unload. I would jerk off in front of you guys. I would jerk off in front of you guys. Put up the gorilla picture. I would jerk off in front of you guys. But, you know, nonetheless. What's the reasoning why you won't? I don't know. I just get a little bit, I get camera shy.

Anybody have anything fun for pride? Yeah, I've been gay. Very good. All right. Mary, are you ready to go I can do another story Let's do that Alright 42 year old man with 29 Miley Cyrus tattoos

Wants to get them removed after Singer called them ugly I love this guy It was great I saw the tattoos do we have a picture They're hideous Why would Miley Cyrus do that What's wrong with her Oh my okay I will always defend Why would Miley Cyrus do that? What's wrong with her? All right.

Oh, my. Okay. First of all, let me. I will always defend. I will always defend Miley Cyrus. I love Miley. Queen Miley. I'm not a Taylor Swift fan.

I'm a Miley Cyrus fan because she sings from the heart and she sings like a person who has dealt with some issues. Her father was Billy Ray Cyrus. Hey, can you imagine how embarrassing that is for you to be the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus? Is he the one who made a different persona for himself? Yes, then he tried to make a different persona.

He did! Not Billy Ray Cyrus, it was the other fucking guy. Yeah, he changed his name to Dr. Cavalier. That's right! The nasty doctor. Exactly. Not Randy Travis, The nasty doctor. Exactly. Oh, man, I'll go to that doctor. Not Randy Travis, but the other famous guy. No, you know about Garth Brooks, who changed it.

Oh, yeah. Yes, of course. He was trying to reinvent himself, but it was just even worse for country music. No, but no, Billy Ray Cyrus did. Achy Breaky Heart? Because he created the Achy Breaky Heart electric boogaloo. Don't do my heart. My Achy Breaky Heart.

That's what it used to sound like and now it sounds a little bit different. Miley Cyrus is his daughter. There was a fan of hers. He's 42 years old and he put 29 tattoos of her image, of her words, and her name all over his body. This man

is disgusting. He's disturbing. For a young Miley, of course you're going to tell this man that they're hideous, because why would you want to encourage him? How many other tattoos does he have? He only got 29 tattoos, and they're all of Miley Cyrus. He went into a parlor and was like, give me 29 of your best Milies. And they are bad.

They look bad. I am a huge Miley fan. I love Miley. Big fan. I'm back, guys. P was great. Ed's back! Oh, man, you're talking about the guy who got a M Miley and he got her removed because she didn't like him.

He's working on getting them. He's thinking to do so. He's seeking to get them removed right now. Because up to this point, he had a big reveal with Miley. And he sent the pictures to her. And he said, how do I look, honey? And in his mind, he was like, oh, we're going to be married the next day and she's going to realize my love and passion for her and she's going to see me as a sparkling dreamboat

who's full of humor and who might not have the most money, but he has a lot of love. And then she looked at him and said, that's hideous, that's disgusting. And then he said he was going to get them removed, but he hasn't been able to do it yet. Yeah, he said right now I have 29 tattoos done and have spent 2,800 pounds, McCoy told the Daily Mail. I never thought I would regret it. You just gotta have a little bit more foresight there. What an idiot.

I mean, this guy's clearly a moron. And not to mention how much money it's gonna cost to get a remove and how time-consuming it is. And also how painful it is to get the remove. Oh, yeah. Did you see the Nazi face? The Nazi! That's what I was gonna bring up, man. It was like, the gang member, he was an Aryan Brotherhood member. He had swastikas all over his face.

He had like all like covered in fucking racist hate tattoos. And he wanted to get a job. He wanted to read that. He wanted to change his life. He swore against it. He found God. Yada, yada, yada. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Yeah. So he in the reality show, he was going through of trying to get them all removed. And they show it. Get a job. Oh, man. And it is especially like on your neck and on your face. They hit you with a painful laser. Oh yeah. It should hurt. So if you're a woman

and the guy's very attractive, let's say it's five years from now, this 42 year old, maybe he's got a better job, he's on a date, chick likes him, you take this guy home, he's covered in Miley Cyrus tattoos. What's your reaction? That's a thousand percent something that would happen to me. It has to happen. It's going to happen to him.

The problem is that if the tattoos were done really, really well, I would, I mean, I'd probably still get bangs as long as you look good. But he has it on his hands and stuff too. He can't really hide it. M can't hide it. Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are the same guy, right?

Yeah. They're the same tween. The problem is that all of the pictures of Miley Cyrus, like those tattoos, are very bad tattoos. Yeah, that's the thing. They don't even really look like her. Well, that's the thing. I mean, we haven't really gotten a good shot, I think, of the full stomach. There's one where it looks like she doesn't have any lips.

Yeah, it's so bad. They're really shittily done. To be fair, she doesn't have that large of lips. She has your stereotypical white lips. There's many BET comedians back in the day who used to talk about how white people looked like they were born with just a skin over their teeth, and then the doctor

just sliced it open with a razor blade. That is a classic bit. Also, each tattoo costs an average of 90 bucks. At least. Yeah. So it wasn't paying top dollar. Yeah. No. So if you want a good Miley Cyrus tattoo.

29 tattoos for 2,800 pounds. Oh, for him. Yeah. Maybe they're just cheaper over there. Good man. I meant in real life. I mean, they're garbage tattoos. Yeah, they're garbage tattoos. If good man i mean like in real life i mean they're garbage tattoos yeah garbage tattoos if you're a star you're a celebrity you're gonna get a face

you gotta spend 500 anyone gets a tattoo of me i immediately stop talking to him you would never i have a tattoo of you yeah i just fucking dropped the mic man i'm never done i'm gonna get a tattoo of you now eddie i can't wait it'll be the time of my. I've never seen you like it. You're done. Spinks in your ear. I'm going to get a tattoo of you now, Eddie. I can't wait. It'll be the time of my life. You'll be like, are you getting this tattoo because you love this game? I'll be like, no, I'm getting it because now he won't talk to me. It'll be perfect.

If you're a celebrity, though, and this is something that celebrities deal with on a regular basis. People really getting tattoos or writing to them, whatever it is. How do you react? If you're Miley, it's like the highest compliment ever. No, it's not. But also mixed with, like, this person's a psychopath. I changed my mind. I agree with you now because it's like at a certain point you have to be, like, you're

the only person in the world who could be like, you have to stop this. You have to get a life. And you're the only, and if you're the, if Miley's the only person he's going to listen to. Yeah. So, man, now his life starts. What do you get the Miley Cyrus tattoos turned into. What is Miley short for.

Smiley. It is. Her name is Smiley Cyrus. No her name is like Brenda or something but her dad called her Smiley Miley. Oh. I don't know why I know that. I don't care. He's a wordsmith and a craftsman.

I think if I brought a woman home and she was covered in 29 Usher tattoos, I'd be like, all right, do you? And then I'd never call her. But would you have sex with her that evening? The sex would be so cool and weird, though. Yeah, it'd be weird. But you'd be looking at Usher the whole time. I mean, you'd have to come up.

I mean, if she got to the point where she's coming over to my house, I think there's at least something going on there. That's kind of the funny thing about, like, some of that, especially for the fucking part. Like, I was with a girl who had, like, a big lotus flower on her back. Whoops. Because it was, like, really important to her and meaningful to her. But I'm always seeing it when I'm fucking shooting on it. Yeah. You know?

It's just disrespecting the shit out of it. That's disgusting. We don't talk about your discharge. That was so important. Like, I'm shooting shooting on it. Yeah. You know? It's just disrespecting the shit out of it. That's disgusting. We don't talk about your discharge. Like, the thing that she felt was so important, like, I'm shooting all over it. All the, constantly I'm shooting. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. Yeah, that's just. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

It's not her body. It's her body. Right, no. Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying, like, she put this thing that's very important to her, and I'm always seeing it when I'm, like, smacking her butt. Well, her body's important, too. Oh, yeah, absolutely. No, but it was fun. maybe we should shoot on her neck instead

yeah shoot up there she's changing up flip her over and every time I came on her face I felt like ah I'm disrespecting Ben's grandfather I have a funny idea I have a Charles Manson joke

as well if you think about it. So Miley Cyrus is 22 years old. Let's do some math real quick. She's 22 years old. This guy has 29 tattoos of Miley Cyrus. There is no way that he was getting tattoos of Miley Cyrus. 29 tattoos in 12 times 4. Yeah, when she was Hannah Montana.

No, it was New Miley. This was just an idea he had a year. That's a lot of tattoos in four years. It is. When you get one, you keep going. That's what I've learned about it. You've got to catch them all. When people get tattoos.

He started collecting photographs and watching interviews of her since 2009. And then he started. That puts her at 16. Okay, yeah, so he's bad. He insists that his obsession with the pop star did not contribute to the breakup of his marriage. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure, baby.

I'm sure. He also has her fucking haircut. Also, see, that's the picture I'm talking about. The huge one of Miley on the side of his stomach. Yeah, that's the picture I'm talking about, the huge one of Miley on the side of his stomach. Yeah. That's the one I'm talking about

that's really, really awful. Really bad. Yeah, that's what I was hoping. That's the last thing I'm going to see before I die.

Right. Look at that. Oh, no! It's like a foot and a half and it just looks horrible. It looks exactly like,

it looks exactly like Lindsey Graham. It looks like Miley Cyrus and and it just looks horrible. It looks exactly like Lindsey Graham. It looks like Miley Cyrus. It does look like someone cut her lips off. Yes. She looks like Susan Powder. You guys remember that? Of course. Love Miss Susan Powder.

She's doing great. Who is she? She has a drug addiction. She was in the 90s. She was a big workout star. So we all agree this guy's dumb, yeah? She was a big workout star. So we all agree this guy's dumb, yeah?

Well, you know, the thing is, the idea of tattoos are that you have a history of your life that you can go back and look on and be like, oh, remember this. But now technology has sort of taken that space. I would say YouTube. Be a YouTube guy and just go on YouTube and talk about how much you love Miley. Don't do the tattoo process. He's not a performer. He's not a performer. He's not a performer. That's why he loves Miley. I don't think I'd even... I wouldn't get a Miami

Dolphins tattoo. And that's what I love more than anything else. What tattoo would you get, Eddie? Man, I don't know. I was thinking about actually getting the state of Florida over my heart. Oh. Jesus. Just to be so trashy. so trashy.

So trashy. Yeah, you should get the state of Florida on your dick and balls because it's the same shape and everything. Yeah, that's right. And then you'd be like, Florida's fucking you, baby. Oh, panhandle, give me some money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got to lick on the panhandle for a minute. That's the most white trash.

Pop this cola. I fucked a guy with a really bad Florida tattoo. He was from Duval County, which is Jacksonville. This is not my current boyfriend. He's a different guy. You did it. Another man from Jacksonville?

From Jacksonville. And he had a big Florida tattoo all down his thigh. And there was a star over Duval County. And it said the Du-V-Z on top of it. All over the top of his thigh. Like a Jay-Z. How long did you guys date for?

Oh no, I mean I fucked him maybe five or six times. But no dating. That's a lot. I know, it was too many times. And every time I felt bad about myself because of the Du-V-Z tattoo. So you dated a man five or six times without dating him?

That's what we're calling it now. No, I mean, I wasn't dating him. I banged a dude that had this tattoo. I'm wondering, this guy with the Cyrus tattoos. What about him? He's living on hope, right? He is. He's like, I'm going to get so many tattoos that she can't ignore me

because then what are you hoping what are you planning for after that well the funny thing would be let's just say she does uh you know really appreciate it and she gets with him she's having sex with him the last thing she wants to remember is her hairstyle from 2011 you know like if you're a woman that's the last fucking image you want to see of yourself was like yesterday's look yeah that you were rocking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, a lot of applause in the plan. Miley is so hot. I love her so much. Look at her neck. I just noticed her neck is all...

It looks like it's been like grabbed at. Yeah, it's so weird. And she's got an Adam's banana. It literally looks like your neck, Holden. They made it all just kind of like lizard-y. Oh, we're back on that now, huh? We have never been off of that in four and a half years. You have blood clots.

That is a medical condition that I'm working on. As he cracks a beer. I didn't say how I was working on it. Nonetheless, doctor approved. I have a script for this beer. That's fine. All right, Mary. What time are we at for the beer. That's fine. All right, Mary. What time are we at for the show?

Is it time for a segment? It's time. No, Mary, you have to announce it. Well, hold on. How many hours have we been talking? Oh, God, too many. An hour and 17 minutes. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. Get us out of here, Mary. Time for a segment from Holden McNeely. All right, we're going to do a lightning round style segment. Very quick it will go. Do not expound on your answer. Mary will choose the winner. We all got to go home.

Okay, it's gay pride. I got a date in 20 minutes. Are you serious? Yeah. It's hay pride. It's gay pride, all right? Gay pride. So, for gay pride, it's a two-parter, but it's still a quickies.

Who will you get gay married to, A? And B, who are you nominating to be the first gay president of the United States of America that's the two partner we've got right now Abraham Lincoln he was gay? a lot of people think Roosevelt was gay Abraham Lincoln they say was gay because he used to go long walks

in the woods with the other men the first out of the closet gay president the first happily openly gay president. Nobody closeted, all right? All right. I would marry Mr. T. Okay.

Because he'd be fucking you in the butt, or you'd be fucking him in the butt, and he'd clench up and say, I'm going to rip your dick off. I remember that joke. Who am I, Ben Kissel? And then I would nominate Tim Gunn from Bravo. Okay. Ooh, that's a good one. The fashion guy.

Yeah, he really seems like he's got his shit together and he seems very organized and presentable, and I like the way he delivers bad news. I'm going to go with, real quick, sorry, I'm going to go with for lover Batman. Batman. It's a character though. No, but he's fine. We'll make him real. Batman. Bruce Wayne. Batman.

Be super fun. He's rich. We'll have a lot of fun. Go crime fighting with him and stuff like that. I want a hero. I want to be with a hero. You know what I'm saying? And first gay president. I'm going to go with the Joker. Ooh. I don't think the go with the Joker. Ooh. I don't think the Joker is gay.

Joker's definitely gay. What the fuck are you talking about? Joker is gay. You just chose Joker. No, I don't think so. The Joker is not a person. He's not a real person. What the fuck is that? Yeah, yeah, totally.

But the Riddler maybe. The Riddler. But I don't think Joker is gay. I'm with Holden on this. I think he is. I think that might be why. I think he can't express himself, and that's why he's like this. Every Batman villain is gay. I'm with Holden on this. I think he is. I think that might be why. I think he can't express himself and that's why he's like this. Every Batman villain is gay.

Joker was the cowboy who was having sex with the other cowboy. Yeah, but that's just when you're doing cowboy stuff. Yeah. Yeah, if you're on vacation. Kissel, you go with. Oh my god. It's tough to say.

What I would say is, in 1997, there was a great performer that I really love, Stone Cold Steve Austin. All right. Yeah. King of the ring era, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Maybe right before the match where he beat Jake the Snake Roberts, that drunk. He's a lot more than that, actually. He's doing very, very well, and I love you, Jake the Snake. I'm happy that you've recovered due to DDP's yoga studio in Texas.

So Stone Cold Steve Austin started in 1970, 1996, 1997. And then the first gay president... Could be a man, could be a woman. I'm going to say. Ellen DeGeneres. I want to go with. No. First gay president. Could be a man, could be a woman. I'm going to say.

Ellen DeGeneres. I want to go with. No. I got to leave in five minutes. You got to leave in five minutes. First gay president. Pass. In the United States.

It's pass. Just pass. Wanda Sykes. All right. It's Wanda, baby. That's a good one. Give it to us fast. I'm going to marry Portia de Rossi. Wonderful.

Or I'm going to be president, Kevin Barnett. All right. There you go. I'm going to marry George Clooney. Okay. I like him a lot. He's great. He's got a wonderful home in Italy, Riverside House, Summer House.

And the first gay president, Bruce Valanch. All right. Get up there and do some jokes. Not bad. Those White House correspondence dinners would be on fire. I haven't thought about Bruce Valanch. Oh, we don't get changed to Rip Taylor?

No. I was thinking Rip Taylor, though. He'll be the vice president. He'll be the vice VP, though. You can make him VP. What a wonderful State of the vice VP, though. You can make him VP. Oh, man. What a wonderful State of the Union that would be. All right. Mary, who wins?

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

because it's making me kind of gay, that I follow these two. There's two plus-size models that I follow on Instagram. Follow them. Hunter McGrady, who's fucking hot and making me gay, and Gia Genevieve. Is she a lady? Oh, yeah. I'm getting gay married to them. I'm a lady.

I know. Why didn't you understand that? Hunter is, to me, a man's name. No, you're right, though. I agree. Hunter was the bully in my high school, the bully dude. I knew an idiot named Hunter Lefevre. I got to leave in three minutes.

Okay, I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying. Hunter McGrady and Gia Genevieve are, and I can't pick, so I'm going to marry them both and it's going to be three-way. Okay. And to be president, I'm going to pick Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart as vice. Okay. Patrick Stewart's not gay. It's really good.

But he's vice. He's president. I just picked vice. Yeah, he was vice. So together, they're really cute. Mary Who is the big winner. You know, I liked what everyone had to say. I just picked Vice. Together they're really cute. I liked what everyone had to say. I thought you guys all had great ideas. It was pretty cool.

But I'm going to go with Ed Larson. Back on top. Thank you, America. I am for a gay America. I am for a gay America. I am for a gay America. Welcome to the rest of the day.

We love the gays. I'll be swell. I'll be great. We gotta go. I'm gonna have the whole world on a plate. Starting here. Starting now. Cause then everything's coming up roses. Please come to the roast at Kevin Barnett next Sunday at 8 p.m.

at the Creek in the Cave, 1093 Jackson Avenue. I love you guys so much. That's all I have to say. Very good, Ed. Thank you for all that. All right. That's been the roundtable of gentlemen. Thank you so much.

Thanks for having me. Thanks for for all that. All right. That's been the roundtable of gentlemen. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. Sarah Nowak. Follow Sarah Nowak on Twitter at Sarah Nowak. I don't know if that's true. That's okay. S-N-O-W.

It doesn't matter. What do you got? What's your name? Micah Sherman. Prof. Dork, man. I got my name. Oh, you did?

Congratulations. Micah Sherman. That's good. Follow me at Ben Kissel. Eddie Toons. did? Congratulations. That's good. Follow me at Ben Kissel. Eddie Toons. Underscore. Underscore.

And you can call me The Box. At Murder Fist. Call. Refer to me as The Box. And please follow Lupe Rodriguez. Lupe Rodriguez! How dare you say his name not like that, Ed. KM Massacre.

All right. And Jack the Worm. So that's kind of fun. Mary, what's up with your bullshit? At Mary J. Bulge. Fuck yeah. Mary J. Bulge? Yeah, it's creative, isn't it? I love it.

All right. Bye. All right, is that it? That's good. Yeah, bye. Goodbye. We'll talk to you soon. All that stuff.

Oh, Thursday, July 2nd. Too Fat with me and Ben at the Grand. The Grand in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, 9 p.m. Fuck your ass! Come on. For more shows like the one you just listened to,