The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 249: The Roast of Kevin Barnett

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

It's time for the annual Round Table Roast as this year we honor everyone's favorite bird enthusiast, Kevin Barnett. Included this year on the dais is hosts Ben Kissel and Ed Larson plus Jackie Zebrowski, Henry Zebrowski, Holden McNeely, Nimesh Patel, Mike Recine, and Jeffrey Joseph!

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Roundtable. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the roundtable roast of Kevin Barnett. Give it up for your dais and the toast masters, Ed Larson and Ben Kissel. All right, everyone. This is exciting. What should we do here? Do we bring Kevin out or do we rib each other a little bit first? How do roasts work, Eddie? What are you do here? Do we bring Kevin on or do we rib each other a little bit first? How do roasts work, Eddie?

What are you doing here? Don't you have a guillotine to pull or something? I see. You just kind of jump right in. Isn't there like a giant axe that needs sharpening, Ben? Where's your big black hood? Well, it's kind of... You medieval science experiment.

Oh, I see there. It's a height thing. Kind of a joke about my size. Did the church bells make you deaf or did they let you sleep in the catacombs now? No, you're really going to go in on me here. Bank Kissel, huh? Bank Kissel's a big fat. That's how you roast them. Bank Kissel is the Hodor of comedy. All right. Except it's saying Hodor all the time. He says, oh, where's mine? How come I'm not next? I hear that, Ed. I hear what you're saying, and it is hurting my feelings. That's okay, though.

I feel very good. I am wearing my, I just had cheated on my wife at a six, what? Okay, hold on. I'm wearing my um hold on uh silence um please that would be best i don't think that's the problem then silence oh yeah silence uh i got my outfit here i look like i'm a fella who just cheated on his wife at a motel six uh am i right kind of fun if you think about that you know what honestly i didn't write any rose jokes i wrote toast jokes because i thought this was to celebrate kevin's new gay marriage uh so that's kind of funny toast jokes if you think about how they're different

than rose jokes i'd tell you i'd make fun of ben's nazi family but he's too proud of it okay ben once told me the least part of his Nazi family is that the fact that they didn't own slaves as well. Kind of a, you're making fun of the dead. Kind of making fun of my dead family there. Myopa died of cancer at the age of

83. Final hours were pretty sad. Just proving that there is no God. Alright. Let's see here. I got something written down here. Toast jokes. Ed looks like every southern racist minus the charm.

That's kind of funny if you think about what racists look like. I ain't opening doors for nobody. Doesn't do it. Here's another hard hitting one. Ed, we're such close friends. Seriously, you're so fat, it's impossible to not be near you. Because he takes up so much of the room, so you can imagine the logistics.

Ed's so fat, he has type 3 diabetes. Which is one more diabetes than a type 2 diabetes, which is actually one of the worst ones. Ben's like Frankenstein. It is. That is a fact. That's a medical fact. I'm really getting you good now, Wes. Ben's like Frankenstein if Frankenstein was on mood stabilizers

and hammered all the time. I don't know. I'm sure Frankenstein felt that one. Good joke, Ed. Mary Shelley is really pissed. Alright,

here we go. Ed has three dads. One for each hole in his mom. So, in that... So, with that one... I'm a special cocktail that was concocted inside of her. So a man was in your mom's mouth

and your butthole and her pussy. I've changed skin colors three times. Alright. Let's see here. I only got one more on you, Ed, here, but I love this one. I just think it's so funny. Ed's a product of rape.

Yep. That's true. This is actually a true story. One day in community college, his mother raped a toilet. Which is funny. I love that you assume my mother went to college. Well, community college. I tried to bring some realness into the bits.

Hey, I got a riddle for you. If Ben Kissel fell down in the woods and no one was there, would anyone care to look for him? I don't know why that's a riddle. The answer is yes. Feel free to find me. Whenever. I got some toast jokes here.

All right. So do we make fun of people in the dais now? Sure, Ben. Oh, Nimesh is here. Nimesh Patel is here, everybody. I feel like... Yeah, put your hands together for him. I feel like I see Nimesh every day,

but that's just because I buy my coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. Nimesh, what the fuck gives you the right to be so smug? Nimesh is to Hollywood what he is to Bollywood. Absolutely fucking nothing. Oh. Very nice there. A little mean-spirited to say about New Mexico.

Alright, here we go. We'll do one on Mookie. Mookie Thompson is here. Finally. Finally, Mookie is back in Long Island City. It's so exciting. If you take the M out of Mookie, you got Ookie. You replace the M with a C, you got Ookie Cookie,

which is what they call your mom's pussy. An Ookie Cookie. Mookie's head has more density than Peter Dinklage's girlfriend's cervix. All right. Talking to... Hey, man, I wrote 40 jokes some of them are going to suck that's fine

but we'll see how many you actually wrote at the end of the night after Mookie looks like a Down Syndrome Beastie Boy oh that's not bad you know Mookie also sounds like a Muslim slur. If you say the name Mookie, it sounds like a Muslim slur a little bit.

Kind of fun. Oh, man. Oh, here we go. I like this one here. Mookie is banged more questionable women. Oh, did I say questionable? I meant questioning. Yeah.

They're always like, what did you put in my drink? Where am I? You know? What are you doing? Why is it all creamy with the sores and the creamy sores? True story. The night I met Mookie, he banged a homeless woman. That is true.

That's true. She honestly only had sex with him For a place to wash her feet Oh yeah No no I mean It was really funny Mookie banged a homeless woman Because he wanted to sleep outside for a night Which was kind of nice

He didn't even have her over Well I'll tell you we gotta get to the man of the hour Yeah enough with these fucking schmucks I agree We're all here for one reason and one reason only. That's right. What is it, Ben? No, no, you go on.

Kevin Barnett. Oh, Kevin Barnett's here. Come on out, you big fucking mook. I want to say this. Well, I think that was just racist. I want to say this about Kevin is one of my best black friends. And it's really nice to hear. He's Jamaican.

What's up, buddy? How you doing? We got a microphone over there for you if you want to talk. You know, you can interrupt people. I know how you like to bomb people's sets when you're not bombing your own. Kevin's comedy career is going to be shorter- lived than Aaliyah's music career. What happened to Aaliyah? What happened to her?

She's just bad in airplanes. Oh, my God. I didn't know. Yikes. That's too bad. I like this one about Kevin, and then we'll bring some people up here. Oh, Kevin, he's a very religious man, and why wouldn't he believe in God? God gave him extra titties.

Kevin has huge tits. And I'll tell you, every time he goes shirtless, a feminist gives him a high five because they think he's fighting the patriarchy and just letting those tits fly there. Big old titties on Kevin. Just a little look into Kevin's past. When he was a kid, he had a

subscription to Horse Illustrated Magazine. I believe your Jamaican mother lets you have that just so she can get the recipes. Oh! Oh! That's kind of funny. That's a good one, Ed.

That was an ignorant comment, man. Horses are not native to Jamaica. Kevin, what does iguana taste like? Do you put Ignorant comment, man. Horses are not native to Jamaica. Two mountainous. Kevin, what does iguana taste like? Do you put it over rice or you just eat it off the stick? You never know. You guys are going to love this one about Kevin's height.

I'm serious. You know how Kevin doesn't, he talks about butts, but he doesn't do anything with them Because he doesn't know how to come right And it's tough for Kevin to find women You know Kevin he's so tall He doesn't go on Tinder he goes on Timber Which is kind of a funny joke Whoa whoa whoa excuse me

No no no he's just going to say it again Whoa whoa whoa whoa Whoa whoa whoa Alright No, no, no. He's just going to say it again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. All right. Thank you, guys. Are you guys ready for a great roast?

All right. Ready to go. The next comic coming to the stage. First comic. First. Get better at this. Well, no. We are the first comics.

We argue about this all the time. All right, the next comic coming to the stage. You're going to love him. Put your hands together for Mookie Thompson. Come on up, buddy. I just blacked out, man. I don't have a blazer. All right, you guys, give it up for Ben Kissel and Fat Triple H. That's Hunter Hearst hungry.

Dude, if you were a Pokemon, they would call you Pikachu everything. You like that, right? everything. You like that, right? I know it's summertime because Ben smells like someone lit a hot dog cart on fire and put it out with Jackie Snatch. You know? Yeah. She's squirting, man. Oh, man. Jackie, I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I think you are like the sexiest women alive. Unfortunately, your box is so rancid, Henry won't even hit that shit anymore. Okay.

Okay. anymore. Okay. Henry's an inspiration, man. He's shown the world that you can make it in Hollywood, even with the build of a cheddar cheese biscuit. Dude, now that you lost some weight, your look matches your comedic style. Chris Farley's used condom. You look like they found you in the van at the bottom of a river. All right. Really, it's great to be here with you guys and the rest of the round people. Really, you guys are like the bad news bears of comedy. By that I mean a bunch of fat hairy gay guys who just tested positive.

Oh man, Wasted Potential is here. Mike Racine. Mike, you look like your dad is Christian Slater and your mom is Joe Pesci. Kevin Barnett, everybody! I don't know, man. You're the only person I've ever seen look worse with success. Kevin always wanted to be a jazz musician.

Now he just has the body of a trumpet player who drowned in Katrina. The real reason we're here, though, is because Kevin has been blowing off all of his friends and family to take drugs and listen to EDM music we're worried about you man you can't keep dancing away from your problems but despite your fucking downward spiral Kevin has managed to land himself an exotic woman it's great she's like Asian or something. I don't really know. But it does prove that once you go Asian, you get fat and complacent. But I think she might actually be Mexican, right? But that works too because once you go Mexican, your friends never text again. It was good that was two races man rhyming lastly i'll say this kevin i know even though you're horribly addicted to molly you're still the same old ke deep inside. A fucking nerd.

Not many people know this, but Kevin actually started a parkour club in college, proving that Kevin can climb walls, but he'll never break through ceilings. Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Mookie. Mookie, he's the black Kevin Barnett. Kind of funny, if you think about how Mookie wants to be. Mookie wants to be black so bad he asked a cop to shoot him but then the cop just gave him a baseball card. So because he's still white. There's a different relationship that white people and black people have with police officers which was what that joke was beginning to discuss.

So that will be at the bar after the show. The woman coming next. Now Jackie. Jackie is the bearded woman. And that beard's name is Doug Austin. That's her boyfriend. For those that don't know. Jackie has a podcast.

It's called Sex and Other Human Activities. It's safe to say the other activities are slamming Coors Light and trying to convince a bunch of softball players that she's a lesbian. Kind of a funny joke there. Let's see, Jackie is the talented Zabrowski. Just the other day I saw her smoke 10 cigarettes in 15 minutes. So that's a lot of cigarettes. If you take into account the time. Without further ado, Jackie Zebrowski.

Oh, man, it's hard to top that. I tell you what. Ed Kissel, thank you guys so much for being the roastmasters of this. Ed Larson got kicked out of Leonard Skinner for being too racist. And his smell. My God. My baloney has a first name.

It's E-D-D-I-E. My baloney has a second name. It's Lazy Fat Fucker. Got Holden McNeely here. He's a big fat idiot fucker. Never ask Holden if it's his time of the month because he's very touchy

when he's shedding his skin. He's a lizard. He's not a man. He's a lizard. Mookie sounds like the sound a rapist makes when he comes. Mookie! Mookie Mookie

Mike Racine the only woman you respect is your father that brings us to why we're here tonight. Mr. Kevin Barnett, why you Jamaican me do this roast? Yeah! Jamaican joke! Who cares about the microphone? The more money you get, the more you dress like a poor gay man. Every time I fucking see you, I'm worried.

Are you going to ask me oxtail or goat? Because that's a hard decision. People call you bird luger, but I think they're just too pussy to call you bird n-word. By the way, I would love it if people called me that. We're too white to say it.

But Kevin, remember when you used to get upset that people confused you with Michael Che? I bet you fucking wish that still happened. That's like confusing a steak with a pile of dried up cum. Kevin, I love you. You guys, thanks for having me on the dais.

How you doing, buddy? Straight. Fuck yeah. I got a question. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? There's help for you out there, Mrs. Racine. Mike Racine is the 9-11 of conversations. I will never forget you social terrorist he has the

mental stability of a Boko Haram jihadist no but everyone give it up for everyone's favorite racist Mr. Mike Racine. Jackie Zebrowski's here tonight. You know, Time Out New York recently put out a list of the 10 funniest women in New York City, and Jackie wasn't on the list.

I can't imagine what, that must feel like not getting a hot dog on free hot dog day. You know? Like, how did you... How did you not get... Maybe you just had to have a pulse. You know? Jackie, the only roles Melissa McCarthy hasn't stolen from you are the ones that have margarine on them at the dinner table. Jackie's brother, Henry, is here.

I'm not going to say that men are better than women because your resumes do. Kenry, I know what it's like having a retarded sibling dragging you down people always talk about cops and police brutality but what about the stuff cops have to deal with like having you for a son I think Kevin approaches comedy the way he approaches jazz police brutality, but what about the stuff cops have to deal with, like having you for a son? I think Kevin approaches comedy the way he approaches jazz. It's about the laughs he's not getting.

Kevin is the first in his family to go to college and bomb for 45 minutes straight. Alright. Thank you, everybody. to go to college and bomb for 45 minutes straight. All right. Thank you, everybody. All right. Let's see here. I'm bringing up, all right, this guy.

Now, this is a long-winded joke about the next performer coming up. Nimesh Patel. All right. So the best thing that happened to you, Nimesh Patel, was Stephon Curry winning the NBA title. Because now people say you smell like curry, you can assume they mean you smell like a champion. That's upbeat. That's an upbeat, positive joke. Put your hands together for Nimesh Patel, everybody.

Hello. Let's see. Ben, thank you for the introduction. I appreciate being here at the Creek in the Cave, or as I refer to it, the orphanage for comedians who aren't going to make it. It's good to be here. Shut up. I'm going to take my time because this is what people with money do. That's good. That's do. That's good. That's good.

That's good. All right. This whole thing feels a bit early. If we'd waited a year, Friends of the People would have been canceled, and Barnett would have killed himself already, and we wouldn't have to be here. There we are. Ed, thank you again for being Roastmaster.

You are... It's good to see that you've gained all the weight Henry lost. I don't know if that's a beard or Jeff Ross' bloody cum dried up on your face, but either way, it smells terrible. Why does he have bloody cum? It's just, I needed to make it red. I needed to make it red. I needed to make it red. You know.

You have the personality of swamp ass, is what I've written down. It really applied to any of you. When I started writing these jokes, I texted Mookie, Mookie, is it possible that these jokes would make me any more unlikable? He said no. And I said, challenge accepted. Mookie, I'm here to say you're my favorite wigger. I really appreciate your presence.

What does it feel like to be Malibu's most wanted? But Mookie, I relate to you. We've both seen our black friends see unimaginable levels of success and still hear them complain about racism. You've made it, Kevin. Whitey did it for you. If anyone can complain about racism, it's Jeffrey Joseph.

Which I'm sure we'll hear him do every time he opens his mouth. I ain't complaining about racism, man. I'm Jamaican. All I care about is fucking jerk chicken, dude. You'll get your turn. Murder Fist is here, or are they? I don't know. Who gives a shit?

I think you guys would get a lot further if you renamed yourselves what you really are, which is drunk, disgusting, sweaty dog pieces of shit. Each of you look and smell like you're covered in pus. Henry, I root for you because you're like the Michael Jackson of this Jackson 5. Because they're awful, and you're great, and also because you were clearly the one that got molested by jackie most probably jackie i know you must be really proud to see your brother doing so

well and you must be ecstatic you no longer have to share bras with him uh speaking of tits i don't know where your start or end but i do want to come on all of it. And I would if I wasn't so sure that your vagina would give me bed bugs. Holden, I don't know much about you and I'm perfectly fine keeping it that way. But I must say that the glasses do a nice job of letting the world know you're a lesbian. And now for the man of the hour, Kevin Barnett, or as I like to refer to him, Comedy's Don Lemon. Just non-threatening enough. It's great that TruTV gave you a platform. I'm glad that you and your friends were able to help True TV hit their affirmative action quota.

I feel like your whole life has been a remake of Trading Places, where two rich fucks wanted to see what would happen if they gave a black kid with dinosaur Tourette's a TV show. And it's good to know that Friends of the People isn't airing tonight, because everyone who watches it is here. of the People isn't airing tonight because everyone who watches it is here. I'd like to say that I'm terribly mad at myself for even agreeing to do this horse shit.

Kevin, I'm proud to call you a friend and I can't wait to see you squander all your money. Have a good night. I'm Nemesh. Thank you guys. Bye. Oh, a bunch of hot zingers and poppers have been levied out tonight. So far. All right. So how you doing, Eddie? I'm doing all right.

Ben's got so much extra skin that he tried to donate it to a burn ward, and then they just threw up on each other. I don't know about all that. All right. Well, I will say I am actually only 6'2", but I'm just standing on five inches of loose skin. And that's what makes me 6'7", which is kind of fun. Now, there's a fella that we're about to bring to the stage.

Oh, yeah. And we love him very, very much. So do some jokes about him, huh? Absolutely. Henry Zebrowski. He's recently just was asked to be on the TV show Heroes. Yeah. And he responded by saying white sauce, hot sauce, please.

Wonderful joke about how they sound the same, but they're different. I love that. You referenced the sandwich, and he's on a show. Henry's been filming Heroes Reborn. His superpower is eating a burrito in front of poor, hungry children. Henry's got a dad bod if your dad is John Candy's corpse. Oh, yeah, that's kind of funny there. Kind of a funny joke about Henry's body there. You have the fashion sense of a 14-year-old goth virgin, Henry.

Everyone, please give it up for Mr. Henry Zebrowski. Henry Zebrowski. Ben Kissel is the true-to-scale model for the new Mount Rushmore. Mount Rushmore to the barber, because if he's sober, he starts crying.

He's also huge, even from a distance. I'm not saying if he's sober he starts crying he's also huge even from a distance i'm not saying that it's fat i am i'm not saying it's fat but when he first saw the new ground zero exhibit i remember ed saying oh thank god it's a bathtub i can fit in he's a chair terrorist ed's not fat he's not fat. He's Ukrainian skinny. Can you believe that Ed Larson, Ed Larson dates, Ed Larson dates a very beautiful woman. Can you imagine? He eats pussy. You know, I heard his girlfriend will add hot sauce in the bedroom because she's afraid he'll become a cannibal. That's just a fun little thing. Mookie Thompson has the name of a guy in jail for drug dealing and the body and face of the son that dude abandoned.

Holden McNeely is ugly and unsuccessful. You know, Holden, a lot of people talk about the bumps in your neck and how they can be used like Braille, blah, blah, blah. But we know what everybody talks about is what the Braille actually says, which is, we're going to kill the host mike racine you have been really good friends with my uncle butch he was a garbage man who touched my niece and eventually committed suicide you guys are like really like close in personality. It's fucking weird. Jackie, my sister. You're being a... Jackie,

you're like if Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman were put together into one person. I take it as a compliment. Jackie's nickname was Miss Piggy back in college Not because of her weight but because of how many times a week she would get fisted I unfortunately know that to be true

Kevin the reason for the season Thank you so much, Friends of the People is your show Tell me, is Friends of the People, is that like a Make-A-Wish foundation to a bunch of inner-city kids, or is that like a... You guys get that as a thing? I'm really glad you included the handicapped white kid and the girl with the big tits. I'm just really glad that I'm

happy that it's like, as I get more fit from working out and you give up, our bodies are slowly becoming the same, except I can get a cab anytime I like. Uber saved my life, man. Isn't it nice? Mix it up the pool. And Kevin, I just want to close with,

Kevin here used to be a Jamaican beef patty, now he's just a Jamaican beef fatty. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh, man.

Not many people know this, but another little look back into Kevin's life. He actually went to high school with members of Murder Fist, and he also went to college with members of Murder Fist. But we didn't know him back in Florida because we were racist back then. And I miss those days. No, but Kevin never let success go to his head, you know, or his hats or his shirts or his shoes. his head, you know, or his hats, or his shirts, or his shoes.

Holden McNeely looks like a sloth with alopecia. Knowing Holden's the only fucking regret in my whole life. We're all dumber because you're in the room. Fucking mean, man. Oh, man. Jeffrey Drossif. Drossif. He used to write for In Living Color back before TVs were in color.

You've been 40 years old for 20 years now. Mr. Jeffrey Joseph, everybody. You know, this is a great group of people. I love Kevin. I love everybody here. I can't really say anything bad about anyone. I mean, Henry Zombrowski, he's been working his ass off. He got cast in a network television show, Heroes, where he's playing some kind of ghoul. He didn't get hired because of his talent, but because they would save hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on makeup. Mookie Thompson, ladies and gentlemen.

He was cursed up. Brave man took the bullet. What kind of dispirited white parents name their fucking kid after a character in a Spike Lee movie? Were they fucking to it and that's when they came? That's what I know. But I like your delivery.

I like that whole Parkinson's palsy thing that you keep doing the whole fucking time. Hopefully somebody was standing by with your medication. That's good. What's up? What you sweating for, man? You tell me I look 60 years old?

My fucking balls look younger than you, man Murder fist You motherfuckers look like murder carbs Well, we all showed up for you, Kevin Barnett We all showed up for you except for your actual friends. None of your actual friends showed up. Let me show you a text I got from one of his actual friends. I texted Josh Rabinowitz.

That's his latest little white Josh friend. He gets a new white Josh friend every three years. I'm serious. This is true. There was another Josh who, when I first moved here, named Josh Rothstein. And Josh showed up. I haven't seen a dude in years. He could be dead now.

So you get Josh Rothstein, Josh Rabinowitz. Josh Finkelstein is out there looking for you. So this is what this little fucking pussy says to me. I'm like, hey, Josh, are you coming to Kevin's Roast? Sadly, no. Unfortunately, I'll be out of town. That's so sad. You know, at least if I had sent that same text to fucking Mike Racine, he would have been,

For that, nigger? The only reason Mike Racine is here is to prove he has one black friend. Which he has to do now because that fucking killer, Dylan Roof, had one black friend. Which he has to do now because that fucking killer, Dylan Roof, had one black friend. You fucking laugh like a psycho, man. Funny now, ain't it, nigger? Funny now.

Funny now. Oh, Kevin Barnett, the man of the hour. You look like a puff daddy had a vagina. You know, I love you, man. I was on his show. I was on his show twice. I didn't even have to audition for it, and none of you will either. I mean, Murderfist was on it. Just to show you who they're going for. But it was a great time, man. It really was. The reason I'm here is, you know, most white people have a black friend.

Well, I'm Kevin's black friend. Thanks for keeping it real, brah. I met Kevin when did you come up here from Florida November 09 great man you missed all the incredible racism that's happening down there I'm glad you got up here to survive

you brought racists with you though which is what I don't understand laughter laughter laughter laughter I don't understand. But, Kevin, I love you. You know, I love you from the heart, man. I'm a fellow Jamaican brother, and, you know, we were the House Negroes.

But I still love you, man. Thank you so much for coming out for this. So the next performer, and we're getting towards the end. We all know him. He's lumpy. He's sitting there in that purple little outfit there, that little getup. He's a member of a group called the Cowmen. And, you know, I'll tell you, this started out as a joke. Everyone said, oh, the Cowmen, what a funny name.

But then he gained so much weight, it's just accurate. He's a big, fat fucking monster, and nobody really likes him. Put your hands together for Holden McNeely alright before I start throwing fucking barbs out there at everybody here tonight I want to clear some shit up cause everyone's fucking asking me

man this is the last time I'm going to say this shit it's right here tonight Mookie Thompson is not a fucking retard alright we've heard some shit already tonight about it and I'm here to say right now is not a fucking retard. All right? We've heard some shit already tonight about it, okay? And I'm here to say right now, it's just because his mom

smoked when she was pregnant with him and she was a fucking prostitute. He didn't have a fucking choice. You can only have one God, Namesh. I don't give a fuck which one it is, but you gotta choose one. Either it's the fucking six-armed bitch or the fucking talking elephant.

It's a religion, not a Mortal Kombat roster. Holden McNeely's log gets all the dogs barking. But don't worry, ladies. Don't get near it, ladies, because he's taking no touchy-touchy. My baby's out there tonight.

Come on, baby. Stand up and show him your fucking tits. Show him. Henry's a brow skierier as I like to call him Egg in black jacket And everybody knows Everybody knows Henry's ex-girlfriend's like a

Jar of schmuckers nowadays. Everybody gets a jam. Hey, everybody, it's Pat. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Is it a dog who gives a shit? No, but seriously, if Jackie was an animal,

she'd be a bitchopotamus. Mike Ray's seen so mad and mean, he really puts the pissed in rapist. Ed Larson. I don't got a bad thing to say about you, good dude through and through. And Barnett. If you were the dog in Old Yeller,

everybody'd be fucking cheering at the end of the movie. Nah, but I was going to get up here and say a bunch of bad fucking shit about you tonight. But actually, I'm going to take this opportunity to hand you my resume. I wrote it down. My printer was fucking busted, so I wrote it down. My printer was fucking busted so I wrote it down. You know, but I just want to say, we're in mixed company so I gotta speak in a bit of code to you right now.

But what I want to say to you is I'm willing to jump the sinking ship. If you would throw me a life raft, I will happily set sail to the friendly island of the people. Kevin, a bunch of pussy bullshit about how we've been friends. Thank you so much for having me here tonight.

That was great, buddy. I think we should get to the man of the hour. Let's get to the man of the hour. First of all, put your hands together for the deus, everyone. So good. So amazing. Thank you guys so much and uh i just want to say on a personal note before you get up here buddy thank you for letting us do this we all love you so much even though we love shitting on you even more but uh you're an amazing human being and i'm glad to be your friend yes we all love kevin barnett ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, Kevin.

I didn't ask for this. It's not my birthday. I didn't do anything. I was in New Orleans this morning doing way cooler shit than this. And I had to fly in to get roasted by uh portly white people uh my grandfather and an Indian who's failed at being black for several years and then it's uh it's tough to do this roast and uh the problem is you know, I make a lot more money than everybody, so it's hard to not make this sad. Other than Henry. It's very difficult.

All right, let's see some shit that I wrote on this plane. All right. Here we go. Holden. McNeely. Yes. You. Holden McNeely. Yes, you. Holden. Yeah, big fucker. Yeah, you got a dumb shitty name, dude. I've never met anyone named Holden before, and now I know why.

It doesn't work, and neither does any of your comedy. You moved to New York almost 10 years ago, and since then, your biggest accomplishment has been beating Red Dead Redemption. But seriously, dude, you have a horrible body, and that's not a joke. Do something to change your diet to some shit. I'm serious about that. I'm worried.

I want to see a dermatologist on Tuesday. Jeffrey Joseph is here, which is interesting because I thought he died years ago. which is interesting because I thought he died years ago. Jeff's coming out with an autobiography soon entitled The Man That Comedy Forgot. Jeff was in Scrooged, which is dope. That was a good movie. It's ironic, though, because the industry would call him the ghost of comedy who gives a fuck.

movie. It's ironic, though, because the industry would call him the ghost of comedy who gives a fuck. Mike Racine, man, he's one of the first dudes I met when I moved up here, man. I feel like we've always lived each other, near each other, and you've been always cool to hang out with. And I don't want to come up here because I felt like you always had a ton of potential. I don't want to come up here and talk about your failures because that would bum everybody out. But I feel like your achievements are just as good as your failures. So I'll say a few of those. Comedian Mike Racine is a great pasta sauce salesman. It's going real well. Comedian Mike Racine was also an incredible garbage man. And lastly, I'll say the comedian Mike Racine has great opinions on where you can get really good ham at reasonable prices.

Yeah, Jackie Zebrowski. You are, by definition, a horrible woman. We do the podcast every Sunday, and it's crazy, because if I had to imagine what you look like just off of hearing your voice and the shit that you talk about, I would assume you look like Ed Larson. I'm embarrassed that you're a part of my life. I mean, what scares me the most is Jackie's been in this relationship with this dude, Doug Austin, for a long time. It's going well. And there's a chance that, you know, eventually, Jackie and Doug might have a child. And at that point, whatever comes out of that sarlacc pit that she calls a vagina is going to eat Doug and his family. Henry is also here, which is Jackie's sister. Henry.

I got nothing bad to say about you, man. You make a lot of money, which I think is dope. All right. Ed Larson. Ed is a remarkable human being I don't know if most of y'all noticed but Ed was born at the time as Florida's biggest baby ever which is remarkable because he

eventually became comedy's biggest disappointment Ed's biggest credit thus far is being Jeff Ross' cousin and he's been riddled with hernias and hemorrhoids. He's a man so disgusting that his body is literally trying to escape from itself. What else we got here? Yeah, Rebecca was supposed to be up here.

She's not. Rebecca runs the creek and the cave, which is arguably a business. The creek is incredibly difficult to get to. It's always the trains are shutting down, the 7A running, the G sucks. The creek slogan, I think, should be the creek in the cave. Come for the burritos. Stay because you literally can't leave. All right. Yeah. Ben Kissel. He's a too tall, too fat waste of everything. As fat as Ben is, he used to be much fatter. So his skin is very loose and it hangs off of his body. In fact, right now, Ben's not wearing a suit. That's a tattoo. Ben is the hardest working, least booked comedian in America.

One time, some bullies held down Ben and shoved one of his brother's trophies into his ass. This happened. And that's the closest Ben has ever come to winning something. Mookie Thompson's here. He's a good friend of mine. Mookie Thompson's here. He's a good friend of mine. Mookie Thompson, his parents named him Mookie, which is an incredibly black name because they didn't want him to be safe or employed.

It worked. I once saw Mookie, as Ed said before, hook up with a homeless woman. We were sharing a hotel room, and she literally did wash her feet in our sink. Not the bathtub. She was in the sink washing her feet. Mugi saw this before they had sex and he still fucked her. And upon seeing that I couldn't believe I saw this homeless woman stoop so low. It was at her lowest moment. Nimesh is here.

Nimesh. I always say Nimesh. He's always trying to correct me and tell me I gotta pronounce it Nimesh. But I call him Nimesh because I don't respect him or his culture. Nimesh, honestly, man, you'll never be Aziz. I don't know if y'all knew this. One time I flew on a private jet with Aziz for us to do a show together.

There's no joke there. I just wanted everyone to know that I'm better than them. And yeah, man, you know what? Honestly, again, thank everybody for coming. You know what? Honestly, again, thank everybody for coming. I guess I would rather have been in New Orleans drinking, eating these drugs. But I'm here, man, and that's cool. All right.

All right, that's the show. Let's go downstairs and get mooky. All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out. That's the roast of Kevin Barnett. Good night.