The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 25: Cover Up the Lips Before You Put in the Tips

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s a weird one. Holden, our creator of segments, saw it fit to put us all through the experience of sharing the things we’ve done that we’ve never told anyone about. You can imagine the skeletons all of us have in our closet. Add 24 dead baby seals and 15 minutes of masturbation memories and you’ve got this, the 25th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen.

Oh yeah, uh, Ben, you're on prayer this week. Oh! Uh-oh! Are we recording already? Yeah, we're ready to go. I guess you have to have a prayer. Dear Beelzebub, you are dead to me. I lost in fantasy football by 80 points to a terrible slit by the name of Julia.

Oh, what a big slit! Biggest slit I've ever seen. You could drive a small forklift through there on its way to work. I would say, fuck you, Lord. You no longer exist. You are a... Fagrod. I was going to say queer.

Queer rod. I went fagrod. I went fagrod. All right. Not in your name, we pray. Go fuck off. Shout time. Who's on this podcast?

Who are you people? Why am I in a room with you jackie zabrowski ed larson cowabunga holden mcneely kevin barnett i'm ben kissel in the chuckle hut we got the very very beautiful vince averill we got madeline and uh rebecca trent thank you so much for being here for having such a beautiful it's just horrible cadence with your words it's a special it's a special time of year well i figured we might as well let everyone know it's like a late night podcast so everybody's already late night it's eight o'clock all right well anyone's wrong way talked about my cadence newsman marcus. Marcus Marxist. What do you got for us? News to use. Still the worst.

24 baby seals have been clubbed to death in a sanctuary in New Zealand for no reason. Who applies? Oh my god. I think you're overlooking the very fact that clubbing a baby seal is the reason. It's a fantastically fun thing to do.

Everyone forgets how much of a blast it is. Yeah, man. Everyone just wants to watch this. You just want to watch the sadness as they fucking die. That's out of control. It's like taping a lizard to a bottle rocket. Madeline, speak up. What is wrong here?

That makes her heart sad. That's all sad. That makes her heart sad. That's the only thing that makes your heart sad. No, man. Baby seals look like they're fucking crying when they're fucking sad or when they're not. You might as well beat them to death. That's a sad ass animal. We just can't even agree with that. It's good to fuck with animals, man.

I completely agree. If you're pro-choice, you can't disagree with them clubbing those seals. They're babies. They're stupid. Hey, but you know, you gotta't disagree with them clubbing those seals. They're babies. They're stupid. Hey, but you know, you've got to be conservative with how many seals you club, man. Like, we used to... They did. They killed exactly 24.

That's too many seals in one day, man. See, the thing is, that's one seal an hour. All right. That's the thing, man. No, no, no. This was over several days. Oh, over several days. That's like barely clubbed seals.

Union clubbers. Typical union clubbers. I don't know, we used to hang lizards when I used to post up in Jamaica. We would hang some lizards. But we let,

that'd be like three, four a week, man. We were conservative. We were worried about it. You put a little piece of thread around their necks

and hang them? Yeah, it was good. It was good. Like you had a thing where it was like they would trigger something. Lizards are bigger

in Jamaica, Holden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a real problem, man. Just shitting on top of your dog's shit.

You actually have to kill the lizards. You don't necessarily have to hang them. What about this? Question two words. Lizard meat. Did that happen? I don't eat that shit, man. I would eat it.

Yeah, but other people did, right? I don't know about that. Yeah, it's similar. It's like the shakiest gum. I bet it's pretty rubbery. Of course it's rubbery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Caribbean, yeah.

It's like the shakiest gum in the West. It's delicious. It's like meat gum. Yeah, it's a gummy meat. So, KB, what was the motivation behind hanging all these lizards? Because fuck them, man. They was running around up in the trees and shit. Getting in your house and all that. Can't have them in trees.

How big were they? Like, you know, the little animals and the little guys. Oh, so wait, they're just cute in your house and all that. Can't have them in trees. How big were they? You know, the little animals and the little guys. Oh, so wait, they're just cute in your house and you decide you gotta kill them? What the fuck are they doing in my house for, man? That's a good point. A man has a point. So they're just cute? You ever been in the shower and the fucking lizard

jump out at you and turn the water on? Fuck that shit. Messing with the cold water. The lizards were very... Has anyone else been haunted by the snake in the toilet idea? Oh, no, no. I'm a rat in the toilet kind of guy. Rat in the toilet. We grew up with rats in the toilet.

Oh, fuck me. Are you serious? We grew up with a can on the toilet in New York so the rats couldn't nudge up the toilet. So did anyone get their ass eaten by a rat or a snake? No, but i fucking saw some rats in some toilets that's such a new thing to me i'm not used to rats at all man like where we live though we got like the frog we got tree frogs and we got lizards all over the place and that shit is disgusting man how long is that before you start hanging the rats here in new

york city that's just gonna be like dennisary in Demolition Man trying to sell him and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a bit. Man, we should just fucking cut those rats from slit to clit. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

So, Vince, would you like to... It's not that far, though. No, it's not. Tiny amount of cuts. Vince, if you could kill one animal, what would that be?

What was the pestering beast? Now, you're from the Midwest just as I am, so I assume you knew about crawfish and beavers, raccoons, things of that nature? The only crawfish I ever saw was in Texas. No crawfish in Michigan. Interesting.

A lot of skunk. A lot of skunk. You don't need to get sprayed by a skunk more than once before you want them all to be destroyed. Oh, fuck a skunk, man. Skunks piss me off because every time I smell skunk, I'm like, oh, someone's smoking a weed. Oh, no. It just sucks around here.

The complete opposite situation. I've never seen a skunk, man. I've never seen a skunk. I smell a skunk. I've never seen a skunk. I've never seen one either. I've smelled the fuck out of one. On road trips, man.

You pass by, you're like, is that a nuclear waste plant? No, it's a skunk. See, I wish I could just have a skunk and take it with me, because what I used to do is I used to go to clubs, and we used to try to dance with girls, and then the girls that wouldn't dance with us, we would fart on them. So they'd smell bad temporarily. You'd call it skunking them?

You'd skunk them, man. Kind of like a, like, hey, bro, I'm gonna go fart on this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I let them know that I just fucking went and farted on that bitch for being a bitch. That's actually one of the best tricks to do when you're anywhere. It's just like, I'm going to go fart by these people. It's just like a dinner. People have a dinner at a table.

I'm going to go fart by that table. You just go fart by them. Because if you just grab one cheek and pull it, it's silent. I've had some. I've had some. I've had some. I've had some. I've had some.

I've had some. I've had some. Exactly how that works so I had no idea You guys don't know about You don't know how to make them silent Come on up to the microphone Maybe trying to bring it full circle But it seems like it's sort of

It's got to be a little bit of a bitch to be a baby seal In a sanctuary The one place that you can't get clubbed And the next thing you know you're taking a club Oh yeah It's a very cartoony next thing you know, you're taking a club. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. And that's... It's a very cartoony situation, though. They fucked up the sign,

and then when all the baby seals went in, they lifted up a board and it actually said mortuary. So it was a nice trick. It's like you had a bunch of skinheads in Israel. Yeah, it reminds me of the Jews in the concentration camp. They're like, oh, we get to get clean in the showers. Yeah, of course you don't, you fucking Nazi. Well well I'm not sure

if we can swing around the n-word here but I would say overall the 24 baby seals being clubbed doesn't really equate to the holocaust but nonetheless it was a stretch as cute as millions of Jews though

oh I see. You have a sympathetic view towards the whole situation. That's a very nice take on it. A ton of poor baby seals are as cute as six million Jews. Quoted up Jackie Zebrowski. You're never running for Congress. I love that you found a way to horrify me without mentioning rape. It's just so nice. It's like refreshing. I'll try you found a way to horrify me without mentioning rape. It's just so nice.

It's refreshing. I'll try to work my boundaries here. Rape is your Michael Jordan. The Holocaust is your Scottie Pippen. You're just bad. That is a one-two punch, you rock. They call it new because it's the news. Marcus Parks, what's the news?

I got some news that it's just not even good. I love it. I've got some news that relates to Jackie. Oh, meow. Women are becoming steadily unhealthier in this country. They're binge drinking more.

They're having more sex. Getting more STDs. They're turning into sex. Getting more STDs. They're turning into dudes. I'm clean, by the way. A lot more chlamydia. What is this report? What is this from? Chlamydia is only spreading more rapidly

amongst women because of scissoring. This is from the National Women's Law Center in the Oregon Health and Science University. Paints a dismal picture, they say. Giving the United States an overall general grade of unsatisfactory with many Fs. Unsatisfactory compared to who? I guarantee you, more women being drunk.

Are you saying there's more chlamydia in America than India? Yes. That's wrong. Wow. That is absolutely wrong. I say congratulations. I say thank you. Hell yeah.

Everybody keep fucking. I need to get laid. You got to beat India at something. So women fucking, more women drinking, that's very satisfactory. It's very satisfactory for everybody. Everybody gets satisfaction out of it. It's great. Those women are just stupid, though,

because they're not fucking covering up the lips before they put it in the tips. You know what I mean? No, I don't! She just made that great rhyme up! That's a great rhyme that everyone should remember! That's going to be taught in middle schools across fucking New York. How many women do they talk to?

Because it seems like business as usual, best I can tell out on the streets. What did you say, Vince? I said how many of these women did they talk to? Because it doesn't seem like anything's changed. It doesn't give, let's see here. I mean, we're disregarding the 70s here, right? I mean, that's out the window? No, we're not.

Things are as bad now as they have ever been. You're telling me chlamydia is worse now than during hippies? More women, yes. More women are obese, diabetic, and hypertensive. That's fine. And more are testing positive for chlamydia, a sexually transmitted disease. How about AIDS? How's AIDS doing? You know what? AIDS is on its way down.ydia, a sexually transmitted disease. How about AIDS? How's AIDS doing?

You know what? AIDS is on its way down. Yeah, it seems like AIDS is on the down. I don't think it's a real disease, man. But also, as opposed to the 70s, I'm sure binge drinking is up, but how about psychedelic drug use? As much as I love Monster Dose, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Sip, sip, sip.

Come on. And the acid on the tongue. On the whole, that has probably gone down through the years, right? Less acid. There is less acid around, I'll tell you that. I'd say 10 years ago, because I loved doing acid. Rebecca Tritt, what do you think about this? Do you think there's more or less acid?

Well, that's not a big question. Do you think there's more or less acid? Well, that's not a big question. Do you think there's more or less acid use right now in America, Rebecca? Less. Much less, right? Much less. It's not incorporated into worship and all of that like it was in the 70s. People aren't using it to see God or whatever. People don't believe the trip anymore.

Back then they used to think they found another. I don't think people trip nearly as often. I haven't seen a gel tab in like eight years. Oh, God. Gel tabs in high school. Gel tabs were the best. I've never even heard of gel tabs. You haven't even heard of gel tabs?

That's because you're from that dumb little town in Texas. That's exactly it. You've hit the nail on the head, Eddie. Sorry. Where's that town? I love the name of that town. Acid, Rochester, Texas. Acid in Rochester the name of that town. Rochester, Texas. Acid in Rochester, Texas is called bleach.

It's a huffin' town. It's a huffin' huffin' town. Oh, yeah, it's definitely a huffin' town. It's called getting poisoned, boy. Getting poisoned. Yeah, a lot of kids were into huffing back home. Eddie, were you big into acid? Was that the situation?

Oh, yeah, I used to like acid a lot in high school. How many nuts on the acid? Oh, yeah, how many times did you do a trip? I have no idea. Multiple times? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A good amount. A fair amount.

Yeah, more than a handful. Less than a bushel. Acid was so easy. It was so much easier to come by in high school for me than it was, like, alcohol. Like, I could get acid anywhere. Acid and weed, so easy. Alcohol, I had to, like, find people to, like, buy it from. Yeah, yeah, to get alcohol and cigarettes.

And yet, like, gel tap specifically was, like, rampant. There was one Mexican mart called Mexi Mart. Hilarious. About 20 miles out of town that would sell us booze. So we'd just drive out there and buy booze for the night and drive back. Then they got shut down. They used to have a weed dealer.

We got all this booze. How did we get a whole shitload of acid? Well, they had a weed dealer right outside. Right outside in a little photo booth kind of place. His name was Pepsi. Pepsi, man. Pepsi took care of the kids.

Generation Next. Did you ever trip balls at school? Oh, absolutely. I was in drama. I'll go trip balls and dance for an hour. You know? Vince, you trip at school? I was in drama. I'll go trip balls and dance for an hour. Vince, you trip in school? I've never dropped acid.

Mushrooms, nothing? Good for you. But you smoke the weed every now and again. I have smoked weed before, yeah. All right. Why did you choose to turn it down? It's just amazing to me to get through life after 30 years. I used to be a straight edge hardcore kid. What do you mean?

You were one of those kids. I didn't do anything until probably 10 or 12 years ago even. How old were you then? Like 25. You were 25 before you got drunk? Before I drank or anything, yeah. I hated that fucking movement And I apologize

What the fuck was that first experience like? You know I didn't I don't really recall the first time I got drunk I just started kind of drinking beers before I would go to work What? You just immediately turned into a pro That's incredible You just like immediately made drinking sad.

You didn't start off with a good time at all. It was like, oh, I gotta go to work. So were you big into like Fugazi, that whole scene? Well, I mean, I definitely like Fugazi, but Fugazi isn't a straight edge band. They are. They are. They do not drink. They don't smoke.

You're thinking more minor threat. I'm thinking of Fugazi. I went to a Fugazi concert. There was a drunk person in the third row. He was being fine, just being drunk and moving to that music, how people tend to move to that sort of violent fucking music, and they immediately kicked him out. He wasn't doing anything wrong.

He was the biggest bunch of pussies I've ever been around. And that's when I realized, hardcore straight-edge people are just closeted Republicans. They were terrible. I never felt more out of place in my life. But they're nice guys.

You need some generalization, at least, right? Oh, of course. Not in your city. I mean, we would have had a blast. The whole time I'd be getting drunk, and you'd be staring at me, yelling at me. A hardcore sober show is a really good place to get into a fight. Real good fights at those shows

because everyone's awake, ready to fight. People don't die out after a couple punches. Those fights last a little bit. They go. That's the thing. People always think alcohol starts so much fights, but there's a lot of times where you're just too drunk to brawl

or you're just drunk enough to laugh off the unbelievable insult some dude just slammed at you. When you're sober, you're just ready to go, and you're quick, you're agile, you know you can knock the dude out. Absolutely. It's awful. Ed, I'll tell you what, man. What was your biggest, baddest fight?

My biggest, baddest fight was Talent Show. Can it please just be against Coco Beware from the old WWF? It's close. This kid, Itai Bengal. Talent show. What's his name? Itai Bengal. I got no problem to say it to you,

you big fat fuck, Itai. He's a good friend of mine now. I'm sure he listens to the cast. He's a nice guy. Hilarious. But I was in a bad mood because I just failed the math test. And I pushed him.

What'd you get on the, uh, what was your score there? 60-something. Oh, but you were in the range. Yeah, but I failed. Of course you did. I got a big F. Of course. And so I'm tapping his chair by accident, and he turns around and, like, threatens to punch me if I don't stop tapping his chair. With your leg? Yeah, on my leg, because I got nervous, too.

I do it, too. You're in a theater? You're, like... Talent show. Yeah, on my legs. I got nervous too. I do it too. You're in a theater? Talent show. It's a talent show. There's 500 people there. No, in the audience. Oh, okay. Yeah, and so I'm tapping his chair and he threatens to punch me. And then I'm like, well, you know, I'm in a bad mood.

I'm just going to beat the shit out of your chair now. And so I beat the fuck out of his chair. How did you beat his chair? I just punched his chair a lot. You didn't realize. Out of 500 people, was there an act on stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A drummer came up and did a drum solo, so I just went to town.

So you were just drumming along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a mess. And so everything goes down. I just see him shivering in his chair, and he goes crazy. And then I cut him in line. How did he go crazy? What did he do? Did he just sit there and shook and went oh yeah you know he did that stuff you know

which was actually very scary oh he was very large but i had to like stick to my guns at this point i've already started something you know well i mean he was probably just waiting for you to break your hands and then he was going to murder you. I don't think he thinks that far ahead. Probably not. By the way, I love you. But I did beat your ass. Do you already have a full beard at this point? Absolutely. We're all leaving now at this point.

Talent show's over. What did you do for the talent show, man? He didn't do anything. You weren't in it. We're in the audience. I cut the guy afterwards just out of fun. Just because I want to get his goat a little more. And then he pushes me really hard in the back and I fall down.

And so I get up and I push him back. And then he pushes me and I push him back. And then he goes to swing at me. But he's so fat and slow that I can see it coming a mile away. So I just block it and I punch him in the face, and I body slam his big ass because I was so strong back then. I started lifting weights in seventh grade. So this is like when Hogan body slammed the giant.

Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Dude. So I body slam him, and I straddle him, and I just start punching him in the face for a while. For a while. Is your blood coming out? Oh, I blacked out. I was punching.

Did you do like the Halo teabagging situation? No. Where you just like rub your balls over his forehead? No, I just punched him a bunch. Oh, that's great. And then I punched the vice principal apparently. Whoa! How did you black out?

I just don't remember it. Just in a fit of rage? See, that's the thing. I think so. You became animal? No, you became animal at that moment? That's nuts! You know, it was a long time ago.

It's possible again. It's possible again. I had a buddy who used to do that all the time. And he'd be like, man, you know what you just did? And you just have no recollection of just destroying five people in a bowling alley. So bizarre. No, no. So I straddled him and I punched him a bunch in the face.

And the last thing I remember is punching the vice principal because he grabbed me and he turned me around and I thought it was one of his friends and so I just punched him in the face and decked him and it was great and it just knocked him down but then I jumped back on the kid and started punching him in the face again holy fucking jeez

and then my best friend in the world came up to me and was like Ed stop and I did like I know you're a gentle man wow yeah but now we're like great friends though that's awesome we fought again we fought what did you get out of that what it was it was planned it was uh it was like we did it in college with boxing gloves oh and we fought we fought in my backyard just like you won well it was actually i'm gonna call it a draw itai can go ahead and blame it if he wants to, but I'm going to call it a draw.

He beat, we did three two-minute rounds. He beat the fuck out of me the first two rounds. And then the second. You came back. And then the third. No, not rope-a-dope. He beat the fuck out of me for two rounds. And then the third round, I beat the shit out of him because he ball-bulled me.

You know, he ball-bulled me and then he was just running towards me and I just popped him right in the face. And then I, you know, and then I got him pretty good. And then, you know, the fight went on and both of us were too tired to even throw a punch for the last while. But, you know, and then at the end...

It sounds like you lost, Ed. It sounds like I lost. Two to no, it sounds like I lost. Two to one, it sounds like I lost, right? I'll go ahead and say I lost, but... Technically. He bled and vomited. And you did not bleed nor vomit? I did not bleed nor vomit.

All right, well, let me get you some points. Well, so, like, so what is that? You know, who won? I guess that's a draw. That's a draw. That's what I called it. All right, so who wants to take a bet on if Holden's ever been in a fight in his life?

Never. Oh, never. It was so easy. No, of course not. I've never been in a fight. I remember that one story he told us about that old man that hit you in the head with his cane. Punched me in the face, and I cowered. I dropped to the ground and hit you.

Luckily, someone else was there. There was an old man that punched me in the head coming out of the subway station. Twice in the face, he punched me. And what'd you do exactly? I dropped, I can't believe my reaction. How old? Like 50, 60 years old, this fella? This guy was, I want to say more like 40, 50.

Okay, but weaker. He wasn't like an old, old man. People in their head think that he, but he had a cane because he'd just like broken his foot or something sure so he's disabled yeah and it came to hit people but either way all i had to do the man is on a cane all i had to do was like take three quick steps away from him and there's no way i'd be hurt but instead i dropped to the ground on the fetal and just start screaming, help, help. And like, luckily, I don't know what, I'm not, you know,

it took me back to the days I was held up at gunpoint in a blockbuster video. You were forever traumatized by this gunpoint situation. It was really weird. I had an immediate memory of being held up

at blockbuster video, but the guy had a gun and he shot at me, so it makes sense for me to not have any protection and just drop to the fetal. But this guy, I should have just taken... But you didn't do that with the gun guy. You stood strong. You were there. You looked on the barrel

of the gun. He aimed at you. He shot in the floor. You were a man then. Because that happened, what's an interesting case study is it's always the second time you get incredibly emotional and fucked up. The first time, it doesn't hit you.

You go into a fantasy realm, or you go into a place where it's not real. Like, this isn't real. So I was emotionally dead towards the gun shoot thing. Good. That's good. Yeah, right? And then the second time is when

a threat like that happens, that's when you break down and just become, because all the stuff from the first time comes back and then you're actually ready to deal with it for some reason. See, I do understand the numb reaction. I got hit on the subway. I just accidentally tripped or a fella tripped over

my leg and then he came back and he just popped me in the face. A young Hispanic fella fresh out of prison, I assumed. He had a lot of tattoos on his face. A lot of teardrops. Maybe a murderer. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Definitely a murderer. Murderer. So he just popped me in the face and I just looked at him and asked why and then I just got on a crowded subway and everyone was like

coming up to me being like, are you okay? And it was the most embarrassing. I just felt like such a pussy. Yeah, it's real embarrassing. I'm in my business. Figured out another way

to go home. Yeah, exactly. I was working at MSG at the time. It was eight in the morning and I was in my business. Stop and figure out another way to go home. Yeah, exactly. I was working at MSG at the time. It was 8 in the morning. I was in my business casual. You can't fight back when you're in business casual. You cannot do it. Your balls are shrunken.

That was the same time you got hit. Right? Yeah, you were always in business. You got hit on the way to work, right? On the way to work, yeah. So I was in my business thing. And luckily, by the way, New Yorkers, it's true. People stepped the fuck in.

I had three dudes stepped in. One dude pulled me up onto my feet. They were talking to the guy. He was screaming at me about stuff that had nothing to do with anything. He was so pissed off. Just kept on calling you Debra. You're like, I'm not Debra. I'm not Debra.

I'm a Bonnie. I do look like a Bonnie. But yeah, he was screaming face at me. And the other guys were just like, man, it's done. Just walk away. And then I ended up walking with the other guy. And I was like, yeah. I had the fear I had a bloody nose.

Give me a bloody nose. What worked out great was I was already late for work. So I had the perfect excuse after that. Because I walked into work with a bloody nose, and I was just like, oh, I just got punched. And it's like, oh, that's why you're late. And it wasn't why I was late. Is that why you were late yesterday and like four times last week?

Exactly, right. Yeah, exactly. This is the 18th day in a row he comes in with a bloody nose. He's like, all right, hold it. He just punched himself in the face. Exactly. He's a very punchable dude. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, think about it.

I mean, everyone just, you know, obviously people at home, you can't look at Holden, but everyone here look at Holden and be like, yeah, that's a guy I'd like to punch. You know it's a guy that you can punch. Yeah, exactly. I don't look at you and think like I want to punch you, but I think it's like

you know, I could punch you and the consequences would be pretty minimal. It's like when you look at a hot ass chick with big tits and you're like, I could fuck the shit out of that woman and cum on her face. I say, let's go around the room, starting with Marcus. How many times have you just wanted to punch me in the face randomly and had no idea? Oh, I've never wanted to punch you in the face. Four. Four.

I can't even possibly count. Four. Madeline? Oh, a lot. Madeline probably just has. 11, 20? 20. 25.

Everyone wants to punch you in the face all the time. How many? I mean, countless. Can I change my vote? Yeah. Can I bring my 40 up to 30? No, it's just an insane amount of times. It's just so bizarre.

Dude, my theory is you said something snide and rich-like. No, it was because we were walking up the steps, and there was that centipede upstep walk, and I'm right behind him. I was the guy right behind him, and people were pushing me up the steps, and I was pushing him up the steps, and he had a cane.

See, then you should have used that fart. You've got to fart then. Clear it out. Skunk it. The only thing I can say is, like, exactly. If I cleared up the people behind me with a big fat fart, but the thing was with it, it was just like, I was, like, being pushed by people behind me, but he had a cane and a foot, and obviously was, like, really upset with his lot in life at that point.

Oh, absolutely. You don't know because he's homeless. I was the guy. You're pretending like this cane is his superpower. That's his... Well, it's a weapon. It is. I guess it's a weapon.

That's entirely true. A normal dude with a cane will beat the fuck out of normal dudes without a cane. If it was one leg and a cane or two legs and no cane, I'd be more scared of the guy with two legs and no cane. That's not true. No, no. Was he able to plant on his one leg and swing on you? That's the thing. Did he have a good pivot?

What'd you say? They're very off balance, those dudes. He planted, because he gave me two heavy punches to the face. Out of nowhere, too. Like, I heard him out of, I had my headphones in, and I heard him screaming at me. Like, out of my left ear, right? And then the next thing I knew was just like, doof, doof, to my face, like this. Oh, so he hit you with his fist, not his cane. No, his fist, yeah. Oh, he was whacking you with his cane a little bit. Nah, he hit me straight in the face. Oh, so he hit you with his fist, not his cane. No, his fist.

Oh, then he was whacking you with his cane a little bit. Huge, Ben Kissel-sized meaty fists. And he fucking punched me heavy. Was this on the stairs? Coming right out at the top. When was this?

8 o'clock in the morning. They're tired of your groggy. I'm not talking about time of the day. I'm talking about like year, month, all that shit. I want to say like a year and a half ago. Maybe a little more than that. I was working at Getty. Oh, yeah.

I would have taken those punches yesterday or tomorrow. There's no time. Vince, now you're from the mean streets of Detroit. Have you ever seen any shenanigans going down? Oh, absolutely. Some blows? Some things you don't like to remember? I've definitely watched a man be shot before.

And tell us about that story. That's what you want to hear about. That was actually in this town called Ypsilanti, which is a little bit west of Detroit. Is this where you're from? No, it's where I was going to school at the time. High school? Oh, college. It's a shitty industrial town that fell on itself, much like Detroit. Much like Michigan.

Much like Michigan, yes. Thank you. Unless you're in the cherry business for some reason. Cherries are still booming there. Cherries are still strong. You gotta eat anything that you can find. And the Fugees, which is... Which will give you an idea

of maybe when I was in school, other than when I already told you about how old I was 10 years ago. Say 94, 95. So Fugees came and played a show, and then after the show there was sort of just like an impromptu block party going on in front of my building. So we're kind of looking out this bay window. That sounds like a riot.

An impromptu black party. It was definitely a block party. It was raucous. Kissel sucks. No, it's a drunk. I'm drunk. And so then you hear a couple shots get popped, and people are clearing out. And then there was a dude right down below our window who just took one

in the fucking like somewhere in his lower half. So you saw like the splatter of blood? Did he die? Did he live? He uh I don't know they took him away in the ambulance. I'm guessing I mean it didn't seem like it was a mortal wound it seemed like he was just down on the ground. But there's that thing in the leg you know you can't. There's a big

artery. You can't crap that artery in the leg you get that artery you're done man. I didn't call the local hospitals I have no more on the story. You can't crap that artery in the leg You get that artery, you're done I didn't call the local hospitals I have no more on the story You didn't call anybody The mobs running through the street Away from the scene would be enough to alert the authorities What were they

They were just there after the Fugees concert Just all having a good time, some beers out there Smoking some weed Best I know You know why my copy of the Fuji CD I I stole so I guess something about the Fuji's just makes people wanted to cry Yeah, it could be yeah We have a segment from Holden McNeely it's very upsetting for Marcus. It's very upsetting for everyone. It's not that upsetting.

It's pretty upsetting, though. What is it? What is it? All right. The segment this week is a memory you've had that you never really told anybody. It's a roundtable confession. Gz, gz. Gz.

Gz. Gz. Yeah! That's gross. So I'll start it off, though, at least. All right, start it off. Taylor Webb. It better be fucking sad, bro.

You have to start off strong. Taylor Webb. Just so you know, I mean, you told everybody in the round table this segment idea before we started this. It is a memory you have. You've never told anyone, no matter whether it's embarrassing or shitty, something terrible you've done or whatever. I'm completely down.

I still haven't figured out what my memory is. But you have them. Oh, I got them. But thinking about them, I think, was the worst part. Yeah, yeah. I buried these things so deep. Trying to find something. Hey, look, guys, either way, maybe you told a person or something.

Like, maybe you told somebody. One person? I could have told one person? Yes, absolutely. All right, all right. All right, so my memory is unscathed. I don't think I've really told somebody. One person? I could have told one person? Yes, absolutely. All right, all right, all right. All right, so my memory is unscathed. I don't think I've really told anybody. Taylor Webb.

What's Taylor Webb? Taylor Webb, beautiful girl, high school. She sounds sexy. Fell in love with her. Webb with two Bs. Oh, yeah, of course. She's got a web of pussy. It was theater school.

It was in high school. We were doing the play together. She'd give me a kiss every time before I went on stage. I fell in love with her. Kiss on the lips? Kiss on the lips. Every time before you went on stage? Every time, and yet I still did not have the fucking balls.

You never banged it. You fucking piece of shit pussy. Absolutely. Completely. Fuck you. Fuck you and your dumb life. This is already. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. I thought it was going to have to get that kiss on. Good job, Holden. You is already... I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Good job, Holden. You got a little smooch there. You gotta bring Holden back down to Earth. You just gotta make him feel bad about shooting. Oh, totally. I mean, I'd regret this forever. Can we get a big fuck you, Holden, for everybody real quick?

One, two, three. Fuck you, Holden. Fuck you, Holden. Fuck you, Holden. I just want to die. All right, so this is what happened. We became very close. She talked to me, and she also dished to me about all of her close friends, which was the hot girl table at the school.

I don't know if you had this. We had this. It was the hot girl table. We had the hot girl table. Hot girl table in the cafeteria was defined of all the different definitions. She was in her hot girl table. The hot girl table. And she dished on to me about all of her friends and stuff.

Absolutely. So when she wouldn't be with me, I decided to unleash all of the information she gave me, all of the shit talking about the hot girls to the other hot girls. Fuck that bitch! You're right. Two months later, she moved out of our high school to be homeschooled.

Well, what happened? So Holden, what did you... I changed her life. What were the stories that she told you? She fucked with your life. You went back at her. She kissed him before every performance. This woman did nothing wrong to you. So what? She was just a great girl. did nothing wrong to you. So what?

She was just a great girl. Fantastic. So what were some of the stories that she told you? I ruined her reputation. I just destroyed her with all of her friends. What did she tell you about her friends that you told her? That is hard to remember. Remember one.

Shit talking about friends of like, you know, whatever. She said this about you, about, you know, you saying this. I honestly, I can't even remember. Very middle school, high school stuff. Tiny high school shit that would just make all of her friends hate her. Essentially. Interesting. And that was, that is my one.

I've never told anybody about that. What was her name? She was, I already said it, Taylor Webb. Is this long to bring out a high school secret? Well, it's one of those things that just never comes up in conversation. So can we just, are we sharing high school secrets or can we share like real secrets? Anything.

The other one I was going to do, which I told to Jackie was I was super high on my front porch. This was also back in those kind of days. And my neighbor, he had a kid and he was showing him how to ride a bike. And the kid went down this hill

Because my neighborhood, right in front of my street Is like a big hill And the kid crashed on his bike And bust his head open He wasn't wearing a helmet Like a dumb dad let him do And I freaked the fuck out And he was calling for help

And I freaked out and ran into my front door And he saw me He made eye contact And I didn't help him He was calling for help, and I freaked out and ran into my front door. And he saw me, too. We made eye contact. He saw you. And I didn't help him. Now, what happened with this kid? We don't really know, right? Don't know, but they moved out a couple months later.

And it was very questionable and sad. Very questionable and sad. So you think the kid hit the pavement hard enough to die a death blow? His head ricocheted off the pavement. So it's almost like the movie It when the girl's getting abused by her father and she looks through the curtains and sees an elderly woman.

Look, make eye contact, and then just shut the curtain and go back to her daily life. Yeah. And that's what the father saw you do when you were high as fuck. Exactly. And I was like super stoned

and just super paranoid and like ran inside and it was fucking awful. So you basically killed this kid. I helped in it. Well, the father killed the kid by having him practice riding a bike with no helmet going downhill.

Without a helmet. Not the brightest dad out there. Let's go right into who wants next. I think we're going to cut every one of these short because they're all going to be dark. Yeah, Kevin. You're next. Give me a second, man.

Give me a second. Anyone else have a secret? You have a secret ready, Ben? I mean, you've given us plenty of secrets. When I was like six years old, I had a buddy who was also six years old. And he used to come over to my house. And we would trade toys. But the thing for the trading toys was he brought it up.

He said, oh, all right, I'll give you this toy, but we have to wrestle. And I'm like, alright, I can wrestle you. That's fine. He's like, oh yeah, that was a good time. You don't get the toy. We got to take off your clothes. So we took off all of our clothes. And we naked wrestled.

And we did this probably 20, 30 times. To what age? Six and a half. That's okay. Six and a half boners going on. Total boners. Unbelievable boners.

It doesn't matter, though. You're at a young age. I mean, think about Braveheart. What are you talking about? I'm saying those kids wrestled naked all the time. You wrestled naked back in the day and it's a very gladiator thing to do it's very primitive, very fun

did you ever see 300? totally, all of them and in real life they were naked but it still weirds you the fuck out to remember well it's a bizarre thing to do and then it's also like we got pretty into it there's a lot of gay stuff going on there and you're 6 years old, my brother used to come in And then it's also like, I mean, we got pretty into it, you know? Yeah, of course.

There was a lot of gay stuff going on there. And you're six years old. My brother used to come in. My brother caught us one time, and he told my mother, and she just, like, didn't believe it. God, your brother, who is gay, by the way? Well, yeah, but nah, he was, like, eight at the time. He was just like, Jesus, you should see what your son's doing down there. And I was like, oh, I doubt it.

And then one thing led to another, and I never talked to the kid again. I think his mother found out. Or something like my mom. He used to bite me and stuff. He was into these weird things. Do you miss him? I mean, it was the best love life I've ever had. I still have sex with women that exact same way. It always starts out with a wrestling match.

I like it. That's a good secret. That was perfect. That's a good secret. I mean, I'm six years old. You had some time to think. Let's hear some secrets. By the way, I did always get the toy. He always did.

I was a good wrestler. Wait, we got... Jackie's ready-made with one. What do you got, Jackie? Oh, yeah, man. It's about who you fucked last night? No, no. No, man. It was about who you fucked last night? No, no. No?

No, man. I went to this crazy dark place when I was thinking about this segment. I was just like, what? Because I'm a chatty Cathy about most things. Absolutely. So I used to be a hardcore bully. I was a bully for a really long time. What grades? I was a bully for a really long time. What grades?

I was a bully from like 6th grade to like 9th grade. That's a good time to be a bully. Oh, yeah. Well, I was a fatty. Yeah. You started getting picked the fuck up. I was, of course. You were either fat or you were a bully.

Yeah, exactly. I was fat. You were just a fat bully. That's the way it works. Everybody was just scared of me. I had no friends. And there was this one girl in particular, because there were three girls that I ruined their lives.

And I've since apologized to all three of them. And this one girl that I apologized to later on in life wouldn't accept my apology, told me to die in hell. Wow. She should get the fuck over it. Well, I kind of like it. I kind of like someone sticking to their guns. It's kind of crazy.

What did you make fun of her for? I mean, the beginning part of it, which is, I mean, it did eventually ruin her life, is that I saw her, she had big breasts,

and of course, like, my breasts are subpar according to some fat women's standards. And, uh, Kissel has told me numerous times. No,

they're a bit tiny for your body. And, uh, and, uh uh this girl had big breasts so I told her the only way that she was ever gonna be hot is if she duct taped her breasts down so everyday she would duct tape

around her body and I would watch as she cried in the locker room cause the gym teacher would make her take the duct tape off for gym class. Oh, fuck. And she would just cry. Did she know about training bras and anything like that? No, man.

She wouldn't because I told her she had to duct tape them down. Oh, jackass. So she would rip off the duct tape every day for gym class and she would just cry. God. God damn. So it was just her skin and the deck type? God, you're so mean!

Well, it's kind of her fault. I mean, you gotta know how to... Don't put duct tape on her. Women are so mean! I would make fun of her because her nipples and her whole breasts would be red and chafed because there was duct tape on them.

Do you just make fun of her because of the thing you told her to do and she did it and then you make fun of her because of that thing? Eventually, in eighth grade, she forced her mother. Did she ever beat the shit out of you? She never did because I insensibly made fun of her. And then she got a breast reduction surgery even though she didn't need it. Well, that sucks for me and every other man

in the world, Jackie. Jackie's gonna win this. Jackie's gonna win this. That's why literally I was thinking about this before I came here. I had a story about

love and passion sucking little boy dicks and you got this terrible story about ruining large butts and bosoms we could have come up with. And now you gotta follow that.

I fucked one of your ex-girlfriends. Oh, that was a really good one. Who'd you fuck, Eddie? I don't like to bring up names, but it begins with an E. Oh, okay. Who was it?

No name, but how was the relationship that you had with her? Oh, great, right, the summer fling. Yeah, yeah, the summer fling. Oh, that one's not a problem with me. I know, I know. I had a great time, too. Yeah, yeah, I was in love with her. It was awesome, right?

She was nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real dirty. Did you wrestle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was real sick. Oh, yeah, you wrestled. Yeah.

I was actually scared. It only happened once. Oh, my God, so scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She loved Tool and I ate her out. Absolutely. I ate her out to Third Eye. What was that all about?

We played Third Eye and I ate her out to it and it was fucking madness. I hate Tool. That's kind of my thing. Me too. I mean, I was hard for me to say it hard. It was, yeah, it was bizarre. You ate her out at a concert? What, Ed? I need to know. Did you derive more enjoyment because you knew that Holden had fucked her?

Absolutely. Did you ask her to compare and contrast your styles? The best part was our tech guy was in the next room just waiting for me to finish. How long ago was this? Oh, years ago. Totally years. Remember that night I smoked meth or ate meth over at

my place? It wasn't meth. It was fucking mescaline. Or mescaline. Yeah, yeah. Not meth. Mescaline. I'm sorry. There's a very different... My God. The throat noises you made. I made horrible throat noises. She kicked me out of the living room

I think that's what drawn her to me That or I broke up with her Over Grand Theft Auto Oh that was hilarious It was definitely after you broke up with her Holden's playing Grand Theft Auto This girl's in England She loves him

She only wants to do a talk to him Holden's playing Grand Theft Auto. This girl's in England. She loves him. She calls him. She only wants to do a talk to him. Holden is playing Grand Theft Auto in front of all of us. And just like, you know what? I don't think I want to do this anymore. We're all like, what? I'm driving down the streets. I'm shooting at people in the car next to me while we're having this conversation.

And, uh... It's like, alright, so that's it. It's done. And then I hung up with her and I paused the game. And I was like, uh... Oh, shit, that just happened. And I just hit unpause. It was great.

That's the kind of man Holden is. I mean, with some ladies, you know, it takes a special bird. She's got to have like a... That it does. So what did the conversation go like as you were playing that game? She just called you up? How you doing? She called him up wanting to know why he was so distant lately.

How did you get immediately to break up and back to the game? Yeah, yeah. Well, it's really, I think you actually broke up with her because you got so into Grand Theft Auto. Because I was so fucking super into Vice City. It was so good, though. But at the time, I was like, yeah. No, with her, it was one of those situations where she was like, I remember she said it after we had a shower together. She was like, I think I'm in love with you.

And I'm just like, I love you, too. And the whole time, I'm just just like This is a summer fling This is not like that This is like this great couple of months we're gonna have It's still one of my most favorite relationships I have to say because it was easy Not mine, but Is there a chance

Is there a chance that this girl On some level was like I'll show you Vice City motherfucker I'm gonna fuck Ed I'm gonna to fuck Ed. Absolutely. I'm going to have some fucking lulu. She got to Tim and John before me.

Oh, yeah. John, you're fucking allies. John, you're the most blown away about John. Yeah, it's so crazy, man. John's a man. What? Kevin, you got anything, Kevin? That's the thing, man man life's been great but i was uh fucking oh all right i remember this though i was like this is when i was little though and but not even that little because i we fucking i had three brothers we

all like uh take showers together and shit when we're young. What the fuck? I remember one time I was just sitting there and I was drinking the shower water and the water was coming from the faucet. I was pretty bitched up when I was holding this now. I was a little bitch when I was eating it. I remember

I had my mouth open and the shower water was doing that. I was like, alright open The shower water was doing that The shower water was doing that And then My older brother He started peeing in my mouth I didn't realize it was happening It probably went off

For like five seconds I could still taste it That counts That counts probably went off for like five seconds. I looked and realized I could still taste it. Like right now. That counts. That counts. He got you, man. He fucking got you. He got the fuck out of me, man.

That's fucking perfect for this segment. I didn't do it. Like after it happened, I didn't do anything. That's why you hate so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't fucking do shit.

I just sat there and was like, oh, damn, man. Fuck. He got you, bro. Yeah, because he was always stronger than me and shit.

It didn't have to be for that, though. Yeah, yeah. He got smarter because he's stronger than the brain. Yeah, bro. Yeah, because he was always stronger than me and shit. It didn't have to be for that, though. Yeah, yeah. He got smarter. He's stronger than the brain. Yeah, yeah. He's not doing shit now. You got to give him back.

Yeah, yeah. Any other thoughts, Vince, Rebecca, to anything? Anyone want to share? I don't have one, but I'm just wondering. Did you go berserk, or were you in shock? That's the thing, man. I just fucking was like, damn. Fuck.

That's all I did. I have a preschool memory. What's the thing? I have a preschool memory of a friend peeing in my eye in the bathroom. I got very upset. I complained. Marcus, what happened to you, bro? I mean, like, that you obviously

because Marcus has told me awful shit that he's done. So God knows what this is going to be. Oh, no, this isn't that awful. It is just something that I've never told anyone before. It's just circumstance. No, it's just circumstance yeah no it's not it only involves me and nobody else masturbating yes it has to do with master yeah yeah so whenever I was in junior high I had a very huge problem with masturbating.

I wouldn't say problem. I'd just say that I did it a lot. How much is a lot? A few times a day. A few times a day? Like five times a day? I'd say like four. Four? Alright. Three or four times a day. That's not horrible. That's not horrible.

How much do you masturbate now, Marcus? Just to give people like a... Once every couple days. Once every couple days? I don't do it every day. I'm pretty every other day average. I'm not on every other day. I probably do it like twice a week, man.

Twice a week? How much do you masturbate? I cum every day. Every day, right? I have to, right? I come every day. Every day, right? I have to, right? I definitely masturbate every day. Every single day. I have to.

I have to come every single time I wake up because I have night terrors and it's the only thing that gets me out of bed and it's the only moment of happiness I have. So the only release of night terrors for Bank Kissel is here. Wow. So Marcus, yeah.

So I was, it was like Were you doing it publicly? No, no, no. It was like a Saturday afternoon and my whole family was there at the house. Sitting around the living room table with you. My whole family was at the house and I really wanted

to jerk off so bad. Just had to do it. Your bedroom's upstairs? No, it's all one floor. It's all a one floor type of house. I couldn't go into the bathroom to take care of it because

the noise. That noise. It's not about just not making that noise while you masturbate. to take care of it because, you know, the... Yeah, yeah, the noise. That noise, like, the noise... Have you thought about just not making that noise with your mouth while you masturbate? The noise of the lubrication carries throughout the house. So, you know, everyone... Do you hear lubricating noises?

I think I hear lubricating noises. I think I hear. But, you know, whenever you're a kid, you're paranoid about that. Yeah, of course. And I'm just a paranoid guy in general. Absolutely. So I'm in... paranoid guy in general. Absolutely. You've called the cops on me several times.

And so I'm in my room and I'm thinking like, all right. Because whenever you're younger, you're kind of ashamed of masturbating and all that. I don't know if you guys grew up in a Christian sort of environment. I'm a Catholic. Yeah, you're sort of ashamed of it, so, you know, but you really want to do it,

so I decided I was going to whack off, but I was thinking, like, all right, what's the most

inconspicuous movie that I can put on possibly while I'm jerking off? Steel Magnolias? Porky's? Ah, fuck, Steel Magnolias? Porky's?

Ah, fuck. Steel Magnolias. Tommy Boy. Tom! Well, you jerked off to Chris Farley. Or Bo Derricks. Did not jerk off during the movie, just while it was, not to the movie, but while it was on. That's not that bad.

That's great. I jacked off to this. It's not that bad. It's great comedy. You know,'s not that bad it's great comedy you know really it's a fantastic comedy I mean I'm kind of like I really don't have

that bad a shit in my past I'm doing alright that's the worst thing that's ever happened to you that's not that bad even within your story I have so many more things I could have said

during this nine things I could have talked about I can absolutely criminal it was like a list that time when I did Ritalin with my buddy at his place in his house.

Actually, I will say this is my favorite big time, bro. I will say this. Probably one of the worst things. I have smoked pot with a pregnant woman before. That's worse. Yeah. I didn't realize that until just now Yeah, that's worse.

I didn't realize that until just now. Like, I didn't remember. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. I shared a joint with a pregnant woman. I did blow with a doctor on his way into cancer surgery. Wow. Not true. Not true.

Rebecca, you're a woman with a lot of skeletons. Rebecca, do you have a story you'd like to share that you haven't maybe said before? Yeah, actually, Marcus made me think of one. I used to have a little bit of a problem myself. Did you? Masturbation problem? Masturbating Marcus? My nickname whenever I was a kid was actually Little Lamb.

P-P-P-Podcast! My nickname whenever I was a kid was actually Little M. P-P-P-Podcast! My nickname whenever I was a kid was Little M, which stood for Little Masturbator because I whacked off someone. So my family, we moved to Berlin, Germany when I was in the sixth grade. That's a place to masturbate. Every time.

Oh, yeah. Hardcore masturbation. Every time we'd move, stuff would get rearranged, moved around, and we'd have to go on search for the porno. And when I found the porno in sixth grade, I faked having the flu for three days and stayed home and just went to town for three days straight. Oh, I did that all the time. Watched porno for hours. Oh, no. Oh, I did that all the time. Watched O'Neill for hours. Oh, no, I used to do that all the time. I used to fake sick so I could sit at home and whack off all day long. Absolutely.

We used to check off in the showers and stuff in eighth grade. I used to watch The Astronaut's Wife and masturbate to that. That came out like a year ago. That's not true. A lot of cum in the air. Oh, man. I remember like... I remember when I first...

I didn't like... When I first like figured out what masturbating was. It took me a minute, by the way. I was born in the fifth grade and I thought it was something that nobody knew about. So I was like, oh, I'm going to fucking blow up. We're all about to... I had no idea what you were talking about. The first time I jerked off, I pissed. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't come. I was like, oh, something's got to come out, and so I just pissed. It took me forever. Yeah, I was like, oh, wait, wait, wait. I was humping my mattresses a lot. Yeah, yeah, I was doing that. Yeah, yeah, you put the big goat in the mattresses.

I luckily always stuck to the old hand bikini car wash, too. Oh, yeah. Hel the big go-to mattresses. Luckily, I was stuck to the old hand. Bikini car wash, too. Oh, yeah. Helped you through it. I used to try to, like, hump, like, the edge of, like, a counter. Like a hard surface. That makes sense. That makes sense.

Yeah, for the ladies. Yeah, yeah. We wanted a soft cushion. How about you, Madeline? What was your first masturbation wonderland? Oh, I definitely started masturbating in like fifth grade. That's so hot. Myself, it was

humping... Shower head. A quick study. Parents have a hot tub too. Hot tub. Myself, it was the sofa cushions for the sex sex scene in hellraiser 3 oh hellraiser 3 yeah is that bloodlines or is that four oh that's four bloodlines hellraiser

3 it's a great sex scene it just ends with the woman getting getting uh ripped apart by hooks yeah she gets killed by yeah but before that before that, it's awesome. Absolutely. I fucking love it. I feel like The Astronaut's Wife means so much to me because it starts off like having sex in public and then it's like a rape scene, kind of, where he's an alien. Oh, yeah. We're going to wrap up the old podcast. We're over on time already.

It's not time for any old podcasts. It's not time. It's time to wrap this whole thing up. Jack is a broski. Yeah. Ciao time. Ciao time. Bing bong.

I'm Ben Kissel. Ciao time. Have a good commute. What? That's great. Fuck yeah, guys. That was fun doing whatever you're doing. Awesome.

I loved it. Yeah, man. Now I'm all turnt up. Why? We just talked about horrors. I love horrors. Oh, man. Thank you guys so much for that.