The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 250: A Man Known Only As Bear

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

On this week's Round Table: a Muslim boy with a tail loses his god status after losing his tail, wet wipes prove to be the scourge of the sewers, and a Texas man gets eaten by gators after screaming, "Fuck them gators!"

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Ten men hot. We're good to go. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Dear Buddhist Jesus. Is he Indian or white? You know, it depends on where he went to jail. Isn't he Tibetan? He's a fat Indian. This is my favorite.

We're going to figure out how stupid we all are. Buddha's India. I know he's fat. Buddha's India. Buddha's India? The whole point of Buddhism is getting off the wheel of reincarnation, which is an Indian, the Hinduism. Whoa.

Hindu is Buddha? I studied. Siddhartha, right? I took a Buddhism class. Siddhartha. I failed Siddhartha test when I came through. You took a Siddhartha test? They taught us. They made studied... Siddhartha, right? I took a Buddhism class. Siddhartha. I failed Siddhartha test when I came through. You took a Siddhartha test? They taught us.

They made us read Siddhartha. Very good book. And I said, absolutely not. It's the story of the Buddha. Yeah, you did not. I did not read it. You didn't want to... Yeah.

And then... You kind of are the Buddha in a sense. What? What class were you taking when the two... English class. Really? Yeah, you believe that shit? Yeah, I don't.

Fucking Florida education is horrible. That's a nice thing to read. I feel like it's cultural, right? It sounds great. You look like a Siddhartha, Eddie. Well, I didn't fucking read it because I don't care about it, but I think that's actually the point of Buddhism. So, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.

All right, welcome to the roundtable event gentlemen everybody we know ed larson is here but there's some other people as well i'm jackie sprowski i'm a thousand percent not a buddhist at all yeah i love things i love having things i love buying things i love pretending like i'm somebody because i got my things i agree the things are the way that we identify ourselves. I really have a fun hat on, too, right now. You have a fun hat on for everyone who's listening at home. I never noticed the Gandhi statue in Union Square until like three days ago.

You guys ever seen it? Yeah, I've seen it. I never fucking noticed. It's like a big thing there. He's like hiding. Yeah, at night, water shoots out of his penis and it goes into his mouth. Yeah, bloody, bloody colored water. I take back everything I said about that religion.

Holdenators, ho! Let's talk about the Four Noble Truths. Yeah. It begins with that. Siddhartha. Siddhartha? Yeah!

You're on fire! Yoga flame. Yoga flame. Yoga flame. Yeah. Man, I just derailed it. What are the noble truths? Oh, something about how people's lives are guided by desires. One.

And how those desires, in order to leave the karma wheel, you have to let go of all those desires. I don't remember what the other shit is, so whatever. One and a half. That's how to do it. Yeah, it's like one and a half noble truths. You grew up Unitarian, correct? This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine. Do you meditate in your Unitarian church? I may have meditated during portions of my high school. Can you show us what that was like? Yeah, what you do is you sit in a very comfortable spot, and then you concentrate on your own breathing. And as soon as your mind starts to wander and you realize that, you go back to focusing on your breathing.

It's about control of the mind. I thought you were going to say give birth. That sounds like a Lamaze technique. Yeah, it's very boring, so I stopped doing it. All right. Kevin, this would be where you say hi. I am Kevin. I am Kevin.

Hear me roar. Hallelujah. Yeah, dude. Oh, no, I just got done playing Far Cry 4, finally. It was a bunch of Indian shit in there, too. And so I'm done. Huge weight off my shoulders. Can ride an elephant. Yeah, all that

shit. Oh, that's great. Alright, in the chuckle hut today we got Mookie Thompson. Thanks for being here, Mookie. How you doing? I'm good, Mookie. How are you? Good, man. Yo, I worship Satan, dude. Do you, dude? Yeah, man. When did you start worshiping Satan? Once I realized that he was the only motherfucker not lying

to us, man. That's good. He's a liar, man. Don't let him fool you. What? That's the whole thing about Satan is that he's a liar. What, are you kidding me? Straight up and down, baby. I love Satan, too. That's the thing. He says he'll sell you shoes, and then he gives you gloves.

Fucking asshole. That's the worst thing he could do. Hi, old Satan. All right. Right? Isn't that what you guys say? Yes. We have a...

For the first time, we got somebody in the chucklehead here. Kevin Skeeney. Thanks so much for being here, Kevin. Absolutely. Let's see. My name's Kevin Skeeney. I don't know why I just stood up. You just stood up.

I enjoyed that. I thought that was great. Yeah, AA, I think. So what else do I have to say? I'm a Taurus. Okay. Let's see. I've never been to India.

Indian food makes me sick, but I think Gandhi is great. Wait, like head sick or butt sick? A little bit of both. I threw up and then shat my pants. It's not all Indian food. It was just that one experience you had. It's good for you, man. It loosens you up.

I agree. I guess that's all the Indian food that I've had. I just don't feel like going through that experience again. I would love a good bout with food poisoning right now. It's a great kickoff to a diet. You know, it's a good way to start a class. You could lose some weight. That's for sure.

I got to lose some weight, man. Yeah. Have you tried Indian food? Finally. Finally. So nice to hear you say it. I got to do it. I have to do it

So I've realized lately Because I was sitting down the other day on the couch And I was like, man, I feel fat You know what I'm saying? That just happened It's a slow process, getting big And then you're like, wow I can feel the skin hanging from my jowls

My new profile picture is how fat you are. Yeah, oh my god, I saw that. And I was like, yep, reason number 253. I like that he likes. I think it's a good picture. I think that's actually a good picture. I look great. I got my shirt on.

Well, yeah. That only, yeah. Well, you did win that. You won that beauty. Now, can I ask, is there someone in this room that's live-tweeting the show right now? Lupe Rodriguez! Batting 29th for the New York Mets. Yep.

You're good, Lupe? Yo. He says yo. All right. Lupe says yo. I am Ben Kissel, and as always, we've got newsman Marcus Parks. What do you think? Should we do our story?

A man who apparently mocked alligators then jumped in the water despite warning signs is dead after being attacked by alligators in Texas. Love it. Well, this is not Florida? This is not Florida. This is Texas. Wow. In a zoo?

Oh, no. Orange County police were called to Burkhart's Marina near the Louisiana state line early Friday morning after reports that Tommy Woodward, 28, and an unidentified woman were swimming in a bayou and had been attacked by a large alligator. Woodward's body was found several hours later. Orange County Justice of the Peace Rodney Pierce said that Woodward ignored verbal warnings and posted no swimming alligator sign and seemed to mock the deadly creatures before going into the water. Price said he removed his shirt, removed his wallet.

Someone shouted a warning, and he said, fuck the alligators, and jumped into the water and almost immediately yelled for help. I love it. A romantic Texas swim gone terribly right. Texas don't know about no gator now. No. I really didn't know that Texas had alligators.

I never heard of a Texas gator. It's the Louisiana state line. It's a very, very small portion of Texas has gators. There's some gators in Alabama, and South Carolina has some, too. How do you swim with the gators? A Floridian. Well, you respect the gator. You don't jump on top of it.

You swim next to it, and you hope it's full. Texas gators are worse because they hate the gays. You don't jump on top of it. You swim next to it, you know, and you hope it's full. Texas gators are worse because they hate the gays. I've heard that before. That's for sure. Put them on the border there, I guess. That's great. So the guy got murdered, and I think rightfully so, huh? Mm-hmm.

Witness and marina employee Michelle Wright said that she told Woodward, please do not go swimming. There's a big alligator out here. Just please stay out of the water. Don't tell me where I'm going to swim. I would jump in. Fuck them gators. Fuck you.

Hey, gator, look at my dick. She said the next thing she heard was the woman screaming, an alligator's got him. That's great. What a day for the gator. And he didn't even have to fight through the man's terrible t-shirt. He just got right to the meat. The guy unwrapped himself for the gator.

Unfortunately, the gator was shot and killed. Come on! The guy should have been shot. The gator was just being a gator. Well, it took him a while to find him. Revenge story. Yeah, he killed the guy. He got the fuck out of there.

And a game warden crew searched the area every night throughout the weekend for a large, aggressive gator without success. I don't agree with this. I know. Because the guy went to the gator. He fought the gator. He went into his house. How do they know this is the same gator?

The gator stood his ground. It's hard out here for a gator, man. I've seen this story. I'm going to guess they cut its belly open and found some teeth and shit. What if they didn't, though? They already cut the belly open. It didn't eat him, though, right? They got him before.

Yeah, it absolutely ate him. Right? The woman who worked at the marina said, I saw his body floating face down and then he's out there for a couple of seconds and then he's dragged back down. And then he comes back up and then he gets pulled down

again. And then he just disappeared. He's like God's bobber. I love how people say that alligators don't like the taste of human meat but then you're just like, no, they eat it. They fucking eat it. I think there's a total flip there. Alligators love to eat us. We don't like to eat alligators. I love eating gators.

Gators are great. It's a delicacy. You don't go and seek out like rarely do you fiend alligator. If you can buy it at Papa Do's, it ain't a delicacy. Yeah, I got it. It was called Alligator. You just said the most elaborate name I've ever heard for a restaurant.

You got to go down to Papadum and try to gator-dump. Yeah, you got to gator-dump. What's your name of the restaurant? I know Papadum. Papadum. It's a chain restaurant in Texas. They serve Cajun food. Oh, I see.

You like rattlesnake? I've never actually had rattlesnake. It's chewy. I was served it once. I was mortified. No, it's fine. It's chewy. I was served it once. I was mortified. No, it's fine. It's just chewy and disgusting. Monkey brains.

What I don't understand is that somebody breaks into your fucking house, you are able to shoot him. Stand your ground. Stand your fucking ground. I am very against this story. I'm very mad about this story. I'm going to write a goddamn letter about this story. I can't take you seriously in that hat. I love this hat. You're take you seriously in that hat. I love this hat.

You're a Sunday dream in that hat. But man, I am just, it looks like I'm floating on a goddamn yacht wearing this hat right now. You look like you're in Steel Magnolias right now. Oh, don't am I? Do I look like that? You're in it. This is the edited scene from Steel Magnolias where they had a podcast. Y'all never kill a gator in front of me.

I'll die in a diabetes. Yeah. Well, here's the rest of the story. The game warden crew searched all weekend, could not find the gator. Then on Monday, officials received notice that a large alligator carcass was dropped off at the same marina Woodard had visited before his death. The alligator was apparently shot and killed by a man known only as Bear. There's a big difference between people named Bear in Texas and people named Bear in New York. Oh, yeah.

Big difference. Bear had left before wildlife officials arrived to retrieve the carcass. Remains belonging to Woodard were located inside the reptile. Bear actually gave a statement to the Beaumont Enterprise. Ford. He said. Hold on. But I got him.

I choked him to death. With my bear hands. My bear hands. Everything for him is bear. It all works out. Bear said he had to go. That's awesome. You know why I take it back.

That's awesome. He said that's what happens when you kill someone. If that gator killed a black man, he'd still be alive today. Oh, yeah. He'd be the mayor. He'd be the mayor of this small Texas town and he'd be wearing Jackie's hat and they'd parade him around like he was a hero.

That's for sure. Yep. He said he set out a trap out of his boat with chicken as bait and caught the 400-pound reptile before he killed it with a shotgun. So he's sort of a dog the bounty hunter version, but for alligators, huh? They are the gator-hunter.

Yeah, makes sense. Kind of weird, yeah. Man, have you guys ever seen the reality show about gator hunting? Oh, I love it. Dude, it's fucking awesome. I hate reality shows, but man, they shoot gators in the head. That's how every reality show exists. They're like, one in ten people are just going to hate reality shows but love it when we shoot gators in the head.

Yep. It said that Bear and four other men were taking pictures of the alligators. When game wardens arrived, that's when Bear and the four other men jumped in their boat and sped away. Oh, because they didn't know it was illegal to kill a gator. Yeah, probably. So the game wardens were trying to stop the people who were doing the game wardens' job because the game wardens were too fat and dumb to catch the alligator themselves? Yeah, game in Texas is a very complicated thing. I don't like them.

Bear don't care about the law, man. All Bear cares about is justice. Bear justice. I love this Bear. He does need a reality show. We have to petition hard for it. I once saw, remember Faces of Death? You saw it a bunch when you were a kid.

It was just people getting killed. One of them was the sheriff. There was an alligator on a golf course. And he's like, I'm going to get this alligator. It was a 13-foot alligator. It's so big. And so he's just standing on a rowboat. And he sees the gator.

And he throws a lasso. And then he ties it around the gator and then the gator just pulls him in and then you see everyone go oh my god, oh my god, no, no, no. The water's splashing, you can't tell what's going on and then within a minute they bring in a half a body. Just like he ripped off

the bottom half of his body. He's still alive? He's like, oh fuck. He's doing great now. According to Texas Parks and Wildlife website, the creature, quote, will eat anything it can catch. And, by the way, this is believed to be the first fatal alligator attack in Texas. That we know of.

Really? Yeah. First reported alligator attack, I'm sure. This bear's been out there doing his goddamn job the past 50 years. Bear and his father and his father's father before us. Grand bear, paw bear, and bear. This guy got killed and Bear's just like, I can't take one fucking day off. He went on a bear vacation.

Fucking knife in his teeth, you know, crawling around in the jungle. Worst part is, when he went home, all his fucking porridge was eaten. Oh my god. It was terrible. So sad. Hate it. Oh my god. Alright, so this guy is dead, rightfully so. I think, unfortunately, the alligator is gone,

but Bear is now a hero. So it all kind of worked out. Does anyone know what happened to this guy? And that picture? The raccoon on top of, yeahcoon on top of the gator? There's a picture of a raccoon riding on top of an alligator. We do not know what happened before or after. They're friends. I feel like it's a moral, though.

It's like a gingerbread man story. I think it worked out fine because I remember reading a story about that. Sometimes Animal Kingdom is about chaos and murder, but sometimes it's about teamwork, man. You know what's so funny? It is about teamwork and I would say this little raccoon is too tiny for the alligator, so the alligator just wants to hang out with it. Some animals don't eat a creature because it's just too tiny.

They're friends. They get to be buddies. You talking about yourself, Kissel? Yeah, yeah. I haven't eaten anything. I have never eaten never eaten another person. How about raccoons? how many of those you had no no no I'd eat a raccoon oh I mean yeah

I think you should eat I don't know if there's a lot of good meat on the bone but they just eat trash yeah they're trash you know what oysters eat trash I love them

I would never eat a raccoon because of the great outdoors yeah the raccoons were my favorite character you just grabbed your tits when you said that Rookie how do you favorite character. You just grabbed your tits when you said that. Rookie, how do you feel about that

when Jackie grabs her tits? Because I have a bathing suit on. What I really want is I want a raccoon's hands. On your tits? They're too small for my tits. But I want to make them into like earrings. Yeah, I used to have a

fucking Dr. Mangalo. I love raccoons. I thought that you meant for yourself. Like you wanted raccoons on your body. No, raccoon is my spirit animal. How great must bear's accessories be? The necklaces. His girlfriend.

The bear necessities. Yeah, the bear necessities. Or the bear accessories. Yeah, that was good. No, it's the bear accessories. The bear accessories. It was also good. Yeah, nothing but teeth.

You mean like fishnet shirts and stuff? What do you mean? I'm sure he's covered in other animals' limbs, right? Oh, bear himself. He's definitely got a tooth necklace. Definitely. He's probably from his own teeth, I'm guessing. Oh, could be, yeah.

He probably has a suit made out of animal hairs. Yeah. And human ears. I don't know. He probably kills people, too. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. He might.

I hope he does. All right, Marcus. What do you got, buddy? All right. A former inmate has reportedly won a $750,000 settlement against correction officers and doctors for negligence after they allegedly allowed a six-day erection to go untreated. Rodney Cotton, the inmate in question, said, They took my manhood. It's embarrassing. We're here to create.

I can't perform my duties as a man. Cotton received the settlement money from Manhattan Detention Center. Cotton has been prescribed an antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, for bipolar disorder, but the erection was an adverse side effect and has left him with permanent injuries to his penis and loss of function. He said, if I had the choice between the reward and having my manhood restored, I'd have my manhood restored in a heartbeat. And what's the name of that drug again?

Risperdal. I actually took it myself. And he's writing it down. He wants a prescription filled immediately. No, it can go either way because I've taken Risperdal in the past. I couldn't get a hard-on for two weeks. Really? Yeah, it was very I rubbed it and rubbed it and he just couldn't get it up. I remember that time. That was a rough, rough

time. While he was in prison, he complained to the corrections officers and doctors of difficulty walking and of other pain due to his condition. Ooh, my boater. I mean, he could have just used his unlimited erection power to become the king of the prison. Just rape, my friend. Rape, rape, rape, rape, rape.

But he was told that his case was not an emergency and was given an ice pack and some Tylenol and told to wait it out. Cotton said, I had to wear briefs or boxers. I couldn't wear jeans. They had me walking around like that for almost a week. Why don't you just tuck it up? I feel bad for these jailers, because it's like, why would you believe him? Or why would you say, oh, you can look at it and see? It was like, hey, hey, officer, come here.

You got to look at my dick. It's still hard. Yeah, yeah. It's like, come here. You gotta look at my dick. It's still hard. Yeah, yeah. It's like, fuck you. I feel weird that his reasoning was, we were put here to create. It's like, you are in fucking jail. That's the whole deal.

You're not creating fucking anything right now. How do they treat that? They gotta drain it? Yeah, they drain it. They stick a fucking needle in it. This is happening? And then they suck the blood out. The head.

Heaven's skinny is here with us today. You can't just come it away, though, right? I think that's the issue. Absolutely not. That's what they say about Viagra. If you have an erection lasting four or more hours, go to the emergency room because those guys come and it doesn't go away. Yeah, you got to drain the blood. Yeah, but I feel like that would leave it

open for him to be raped, right? Drain the blood. Is that really it, though? Reverse rape? Yeah, because he's so hard to... Hold it down. It's all rape. There's no reverse rape. Reverse rape is normal life. But to

Holden's point, though, is that what happens? that the same blood sits in there yeah exactly I read some horror stories online of a dude talking about like he took too much

of the shit or whatever and then it was great for a while and then it starts to physically hurt yeah because he's so hard

he's so rock hard succulent and he's just like oh it's wonderful right but then it's just throbbing so it coagulates and stuff yeah

and then he has to and then he went I read this one story where he was like I went to the hospital and then they It's wonderful, but then it's just throbbing. So it coagulates and stuff? Yeah. I read this one story where he was like, I went to the hospital, and then they couldn't get it down. They're just trying to drain it and drain it. They're sticking it. They're shoving fucking needles in his cock and draining him. Drain the blood! And he's just like, drain it, drain it!

I don't know. Eventually it went down, but they might have to cut your cock off if they can't get the blood out of it. Yeah, it sounds like that. Empty it and tie it back on. It's not going to be the same. It's not going to be normal, man. And you're not going to trust your own dick after that. Which I think is the worst part.

Do we have to go to couples therapy? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. Do we know what this guy was arrested for? We do not know his actual record. No, but I can try to find out. Give me a sec. Because the thing is, if he's a rapist, let him fucking be hard forever. This is his plight.

But if he's arrested for stealing Viagra, then this is really ironic. It would be ironic. Or if he was arrested for knocking things off shelves with a huge boner. Oh, shit. You know what? This might tell you why they didn't give a fuck. He was in the tombs here in New York City while this whole thing was happening. So they don't give a fuck. He was in the tombs here in New York City while this whole thing was happening.

So they don't give a fuck. I've been in those tombs. What are the tombs like? Well, I didn't see, I didn't get lucky enough to hang out with this guy. Good God, my throat would be sore as hell.

Wow. So he was just there for six days though. They fill those tombs up so much that his boner had to have been touching another guy the whole time. Yeah. Yeah, he's probably just karate chopping though. They fill those tombs up so much that his boner had to have been touching another guy the whole time. Yeah, he's probably just karate chopping it.

They pack them in where you're literally back-to-back with other people. No, but that makes sense. Elephant walk. There's definitely more to this story. Here's what I found out about the guy. He was in the tombs for violating parole stemming from a 2008 bust for illegally possessing 68 bike and 100 Xanax.

Oh, my God. Every single woman in the Upper West Side has that in her purse right now. He's a sweet guy. That's true. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. Career criminal. He has been incarcerated for 39 of his 50 years, including a prison stint for a 1989

manslaughter case in Brownsville. Did he do that when he was 11? What? But he started at 11 years old. He's only spent 11 years outside. I don't know. It's got to be 11. I don't know.

Maybe it was. Well, I guess. Probably the first 11, yeah. Yeah, that was it. And then maybe right before the first 10. He's a bad man. He was 11. He's had some issues, man.

How long is his dick? I don't know, Ed. Let me see if the New York Daily News fucking reported that. They talked about how the prison escapee had a big cock. Why wouldn't they talk about this one? That's because the big cock on the prison escapee had a direct bearing on how he convinced the woman

to help him escape. That's a big dick. You just show it to a woman and she's just like, alright, I'll help you get out of here. That's a big dick. You just show it to a woman, she's just like, all right, I'll help you get out of here. That's how those two dudes upstate did it. He just had a six-day boner, and she's like, you're free to go. Whatever.

I can't fuck you anymore. Oh, man. Following surgery, this guy was sent back to jail with stitches that he was told were self-dissolving, but by August 9th, the stitches had become embedded in the skin

of his penis and had to be removed by a doctor without anesthesia. Sucked out of him. I hate this story. I'd rather be innocent in my head. Bad shit can happen to your fucking dick, dude, if you don't watch your ass.

He was in the tombs under Chinatown? Yeah, in Manhattan. Yeah, they're terrible to people. There was one guy having, like, epileptic seizures and another dude visibly vomiting

from heroin withdrawal. They did not care at all. Well, they see that every day. They see it every day. So boner guy, I'm sure they were just laughing at him. Yeah, for sure.

They were loving it. This fucking guy's got a big boner, man. It's crazy. Anybody here take it? Yo, that's it, bro. That's all you got. Yeah, for sure. They were loving it. This fucking guy's got a big boner, man. It's crazy. Anybody here take it? Yo, that's it, bro. That's all you got. Come on, man.

Make it harder, man. Clinging it against the wall. Clinging it like a punching bag. Teach it to sing a song. Use it as a golf tee. All you're doing is telling us you're ready to go. Well, this guy, he said that he plans to use his settlement money

to move to Atlanta where his daughter lives. He said, it's a new start. He's still in jail, though. No, he got out. This happened in 2011. Oh, yeah.

This has just been a lawsuit that's been ongoing for a few years now. $750K this guy got. Man, he is going to spend it all on drugs. He's so going to get laid with that money. And he's really going to terrorize his daughter. Think about this.

You could pop four Viagra, get arrested in New York City, boom, you got half a million dollars. Yeah. Three quarters. Three quarters. And his O-face is like, ouch, ouch. But Eddie, you should do that joke. What was that? His O-face, but then he's like, ouch, ouch.

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Yeah, that's his O-face. I got you, buddy. Yeah. Drain him! I want to be drained, man. Yeah. What do you want drained? That's what they used to do.

They used to take the blood out of you if you were sick. It did not work, though. I know, but it'd be fun to get drained. Yeah, balance your humor out. You know that's not going to make you lose weight, right? I mean,

a little bit, right? How much blood weight does a man have? Drain, I'd take it from the thigh, my blood. You got to get one of those wraps. You heard about those wraps that sucks all the moisture out of your body, all the water out of your body? What? And you get wrapped, and then it's like an hour later, you're three inches smaller

because they literally suck all of the water out of your body. Like most of the water out of your body. It's awesome. And you can go to the prom and look great. Spray tan. I think I'm going to do a little bit of that. You should do spray tan.

Kevin, have you ever had a boner that lasted too long? Too long in length or in time? In time. Yeah, I think once or twice. Did he take one of those black widows? No, half a Viagra. And yeah, it kind of did its thing. And then I realized that after the first

outing of sex that it wasn't going away and it got a little a little scary. Really? This shit got dark. I'm sorry. No, it didn't. I was about to ask. What did you do? How'd you get it to go down? I'd taken them. I know, you have. We just waited it out.

We? Yeah, well, my girlfriend. So she just looked at it with you and hoped it sucked? No, I would have kept going, man. You got to rub it raw. We tried. That was the thing that got to the point where it was uncomfortable. Oh, yeah. That's not fun.

Did you try the butt, though? Well, there's your problem. Me or her, though. Somebody. Gets too rapey after a point. Ed, you love to consume dick pills at an alarming rate. I do when I get hammered.

If I know I'm going to go out and I'm going to get blackout drunk. Yeah, exactly. I'm Albert Bell in it. Old reference. Oh my god. Way, way, way back. You're going to drink too much.

It's always good to have a... You get at the bodega? No, no, I've done that once. Tiger X? That shit makes you insane. You can't take that. It's just a speed. Yeah, just get a Viagra from one of your friends who has Viagra.

They love talking about it. You're just like, oh, give me one. They just give it to you. And then you get hammered and then you have a great night. And it never stayed too long not all of us hang out with geriatric dudes yeah dude

this ain't a problem for me man I bust nuts man that's what they say about you Kevin okay by the way Holden you have 2.2 pounds of blood in your body not enough for you

not enough for me though huh Colin's gotta have at least double that yeah at least to have any sort of any of the burger weight that I've put on. Do really fat people have more blood? No, they don't. That's why their body

slowly dies as they're still alive. Because the blood can't circulate. Yeah, the blood does. But you must have more blood than someone who's shorter. Well, yes. I would assume that I would have more blood, right? Yeah, it's more of a percentage thing. Well, yes. I would assume that I would have more blood, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it has... Yeah, it's more of a percentage thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've seen... Have you ever watched those World's Fattest Man TV shows on TLC and shit? Oh, they're great. Oh, they make you feel so thin. No, it isn't. I swear to God,

I watched the World's Fattest Man and ordered like three pizzas and eat it all and feel great. But you see on these people that are 700-800 pounds, parts of their body start turning black because the blood can't get to that part of their body.

You literally die. So should the fat man take blood from the tall man? Do you want my blood? Ben may have some of your blood. Why has no one written this vampire movie Vampires say oh he's He's so tall

I am so fat May I come in My vampire family is just So hungry So Kevin to wrap it up here with your boner story Did it all work out okay It did everything's fine now Did you go to the doctor So, Kevin, to wrap it up here with your boner story, did it all work out okay? It did.

Everything's fine now. Did you go to the doctor? No, no. Like I said, we just waited it out, and there was a little bit of pain. And how long did it last total? Probably about two hours. Oh, that's not that bad. But you were just a little bit concerned, though. Yeah, it was like it's not going away.

So what did you guys do? Did you smoke a bunch of weed or something? Yeah. Did you gain 50 pounds of weed or something? Yeah. Did you gain 50 pounds? We smoked a little weed. No, we just kind of stayed in bed and just kind of chilled out. And it was just... So you just did the activity that makes people...

At one point we started laughing at it. Yeah. But it was actually kind of... The number one way to get rid of a boner. Just to laugh at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pointed and laughed. It hates that shame it

I put a set of glasses on it dressed it up I love it you treated it like a bad dog exactly exactly stop feeding it I rubbed her nose in it

yeah well that's great but did you actually feel physical pain within two hours yes I did you did okay what pain within two hours? Yes, I did. You did? Okay. What does it feel like?

It was, like, just really filled with blood and really painful. You know, like, if you were to get a, sorry, if you were to get a, like, smash your finger and you feel it, like, you know, swell up and pulse, that's what it felt like. Ew. All right. Yeah. You ever close your dick in a doorman? No.

All the time. That's the thing with those Viagras. Ew. All right. You ever close your dick in a door, man? No. All the time. That's the thing with those Viagras. There's different levels. And so some of them are really pungent. You never eat more than a quarter is what I say. Pungent? It means it smells strong. You never snort more than three lines.

Yeah. It's right. We did that for a little while. You snorted Viagra? Well, we mixed it with Glo and Adderall back in college. How are you not dead yet? Oh my god. One of these makes you think. One of these makes you insane.

The other one gets you hard. It was a hell of a party. I'm sure it was. I'm sure this will make us lose our virginity. He was like sweating profusely but super philosophical with a massive hard on. I had to fuck him. I didn't know you'd find a wife.

Alright, next story? Yeah, let's do it. This is a follow-up to an old story. A boy hailed as a reincarnation of the beloved Hindu monkey god Hanuman has lost his holy status after undergoing surgery to remove the deformity that made him famous.

Oh, the tail, right? Yeah. The tail boy. The tail boy. Arshid Ali Khan, who north was converted into a temple years ago to accommodate visits from devotees who came to receive his blessings and touch his tail.

That's a big tail. Yeah, that's the tail right there. That's a tail. That is a hell of a tail. He's sort of the honey boo boo of his community though right like he's just a child star do they have Mountain Dew in India I don't know if they have Mountain Dew

they have Hindu do they have Mountain Dew PepsiCo India yes they do have Mountain Dew in India wonderful I feel bad for this kid though he's just been looked at as a human freak his whole life why would you get rid of it he's been worshipped

yeah why would you fucking get rid of it? He's been worshipped. Yeah, we're talking about he's rich off it. Yeah, why would you fucking get rid of it at this point? There had to be some money in that tale. Yeah, there's a fucking lot of money in that tale. He was so young. He had all these devotees of a religion he wasn't even fucking a part of. Keep the fucking tale. I want to try and grow another fucking tale, if I was him.

Okay, yeah, I see your point. How much does he have to give to the organ grinder? Oh, yeah. That's the problem here. He's the one who lost his job. Well, the 18 centimeter protrusion called partial paralysis making it extremely difficult for him to walk

and in recent months the desire to be a normal active teenager began to overshadow the perks of being a living deity and Arshid elected to have the tail removed. That's fair enough. People are so stupid. He's deformed.

He has a fucking tail growing out of his back. You worship him? They got nothing else, man. In our country, we throw them away because we don't see any value in them. At least in India, they see them as a god. I mean, it's like that Far Side cartoon where the little people

were surrounded by the giants and they said, with any luck, they'll revere us as gods. You know? I mean, he got lucky. In America, he would have been awarded. Honestly, who are we to say that this kid is not a god? That he could actually be. We don't know if we're right.

We don't know how many monkey Hindu gods are walking around on Earth. It must have been really difficult for this kid to answer life's toughest questions immediately. He's like four years old. Yep, he said, This tale has been given to me by God. I am worshipped because I pray to God

and the wishes of people come true. On weekdays, I have to go to school, but when I have a school holiday on Sunday, around 20 to 30 people come to see me at my home. Everybody wants to see my tail, so they keep asking. I feel neither good nor bad about having a tail. Sounds like he was annoyed, and I think also he's starting to get to the point where he's trying to get loaded on some fucking ladies.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but he's a god. Yeah, I don't know, though. I feel like, you know, it's like he wants to earn it. Bitches don't want to get on that tail, man. You don't think so? They would. They would, yeah.

I don't know, Jackie. Monkey god. Okay, god, where... Okay, on the scale of gods that you would fuck, where does monkey god lie? It's right below him. Yeah, pretty high up. The thing is that, can I pull on the tail? It sounds like it's something I can't pull on.

Oh, you can pull on this. If I can fucking pull on it, I'll fucking rail him until forever. Yeah, you're fucking him? Yeah, I have to. Yeah, that's how Jackson does it. He's a fucking monkey god. Yeah. I agree, man.

This kid, he had the whole world at his fingertips. I mean, he's not really my thing. He's not really my type. He can do the shocker. But monkey god, I'm into. He can do the shocker like Kevin. He can do the shocker. But monkey god, I'm into. He can do the shocker. He can do the shocker, yeah. With no fingers.

It's amazing. Ew, I don't want his fucking tail inside of my ass. Yeah, you do. It's like all fuzzy. It might be great. Is it fuzzy? Not yet. He's still young.

How thick is it? Is it skin covered? Can he fuck me with it? Yeah, it's skin covered. Of course. Is it coming out the back? Yeah. I don't know if it's hard or not. I don't know if it's like holding skin tag that he just got removed,

where it's just kind of, you can kind of flick it with your finger. My girlfriend calls it my dongle. I went to the dermatologist and had a very large hole in it from next to my cock. Nice. I'm very happy about it, so now I can give her the sex again. Your dongle? I don not want it she calls it a dongle

that's disgusting why would anyone stay with you man oh my god this dongle could yo-yo it was crazy I could flick it and stuff the size of half my thumb did you keep it

no no they sent it to the lab they're very excited to study this please keep it yeah lady you want to keep my fucking cock and balls too and they fucking they threw me out of there i'll never see that fucking growth again and i'm pissed i love that growth i named him him Barl. I'd rather fuck the elephant god though, let's be real here. You think elephant over monkey? He looks like a lot of fun. He's got all those

fucking arms, dude. Does the elephant have extra arms? Yeah, right? We're talking about Vishnu? Vishnu has the arms, that's the chick. The elephant just dances around, right? Ganesh. I guess I'd rather fuck the chick than a thousand percent, usually. Shiva.

Oh, Shiva. Yeah, Shiva is the multi-armed war. She has a weapon in every hand. She's a fucking war ward. Man, I wouldn't take that. Yeah, dude. In any hole I had. Hell yeah.

Yeah, she's a hot one, huh? She'd probably create holes with her weapons. This is a very Buddhist episode. Yeah. Very good. All right, so this guy got the tail removed, for better or for worse. How old is he now? I just want to know real quick.

I believe he is 12. But he can walk now, though? He can walk better, but they also suspect he has brittle bones. Oh, the digital bones! Oh, yeah! He's got brittle bones. That's when your bones are just peanut butter and peanuts. Give them some fucking caramel.

There's a bunch of cream in it. They're probably delicious. Oh, I love brittle bones. I gotta say, I should fucking go to India, man. All the shit hanging off of me, I'll be worse. I'm sure you can fit yourself into one of them. But how sad would it be if you got there and they were still just like, ugh. Look at this freak.

You are not a monkey god. Come on, look it. If I shake it, all flickers and flackers all about my body. Oh, man. You look like you're melting. Yeah. I've been told by many people

just randomly on the street that I'm falling apart. Yeah, I didn't know you had shit also growing out of your dick. Now I'm concerned. I feel bad. Next to my dick. Near my dick. You should let it grow, man. That was that was a second dick it got so big i looked down one day and i was just like this

has got to get out it wasn't a second dick as much as it was just a noisy neighbor yeah yeah very noisy neighbor getting the no blow while uh that thing was sitting next to it did she really go on a hiatus of sex? We took a minute. I was like, but I got it done like within the week, but I guess it was some, I was,

well, my pants are getting tighter, right? It grew in a week. It's fucking bigger, right? I'm fatter now, so my pants that I have are tighter

and it was rubbing up against it and making them bigger. How big was it? Can you give us like a video? I told you, like half my thumb. I'm holding up right now. Hanging off.

and all red at the tip. Like all blood filled with the tip. How fast did it grow? When did it start growing? I just looked down. I was like, whoa, this got way bigger. Oh, yeah, well, it's got to grow. Well, it has to grow exponentially.

I've had it for years. It was small as shit. It was like a wart at first. But it has to be exponential. As you get fatter and as it gets closer to your pants, it's going to get correlation between that and the cheeseburgers I've been eating and shit. So it wasn't filled with grease and pus? I don't know.

They'll tell me from the lab, man. Maybe lasers and shit. You just got it on. Last Tuesday, dude, I went in to a very attractive lady doctor and a very attractive nurse removed it. And I'm pretty sure even though they've seen everything, they were still grossed out. Yeah. I'm pretty sure they were like, whoa, that's a lot better.

They probably just got that big because it was gathering strength to get off you. The situation that was happening and it was like, yo, it's time to go. Yeah. I was hanging by a thread, you know, and I had a cyst on my neck. They did let me keep the goo that was in it. It was in a little vial, and I gave it to my buddy Ryland, who was on the show recently.

I gave it to him because he always complained about it. So I was like, here, here's the goo. It looked like snot. So it looks like the people most prone to skin tags are middle-aged obese people. Oh, there you go. All right. Well, I'm happy you're feeling better. I'm excited to get mine. We're all going to get one.

I'll tell you what, you get one, just go immediately to a dermatologist. They will remove it so fast your head will spin. My dad had a bunch of them, so I know I'm going to get them. It's just kind of fun to know that you're going to ruin somebody's Monday. An intern's going to get that tomorrow. Who chooses that as their job?

A doctor, Ed. They get paid so much for the money. The worst was my bloody nose. Because every time I'd go in, he'd go and pick all the bugs out of my nose. And I'm like, this is what this dude does for a living? Picks nasty bugs out of people's noses? He should be shot in the street. He's a doctor! These should be shot in the street. He's a doctor!

These should be honored members of society. You should be shot in the street. No one would ever have to deal with this shit again. He told me not to get the bugs out for a whole week to keep it insulated. And then I've never seen such bugs coming out of a nose. I do love that.

It does sound amazing to get your nose picked by a doctor. It's insane. It goes in with clippers and removes every single fucking booger. I would take that any day over a rubbing tongue. I really would. Just somebody just cleaning. Professional booger removal. How great would that be? It felt amazing to be honest

with you. Imagine if he jerked you off at the end of it. Oh, that'd be nice too. With the boogers. She'd have to be Asian. She's removing my boogers. You just want an Asian. What do you feel like? Tiny fingers. Ah, yes.

No, he's got little clippies. He's got little clippies. He's got little clippies. He's got little clippies. He's got little clippies. Of course he's got little clippies. He's got a pick in my nose. I want fingers.

Okay. The fingernail does work best. You want a gloveless hand? Yeah, of course. Hey, that's what got me into that mess in the first place, all right? My insurance covers it. Put it on the company card. Exactly.

Well, Kevin, because this is your ailments episode, any skin tags? No. All right. No. If I did, they'd say made in China. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, Marcus, let's do another story.

They might be cheap to buy on supermarket shelves, but disposable wipes are costing authorities in Australia tens of millions of dollars as more people flush them down the toilet, clogging pipes and polluting waterways. Manufacturers and sewage companies across the country are scrambling to fix the problem, fearing just one colossal blockage

could cause hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of damage to a system already under strain the man in charge of the sewer in queensland in australia said that the ultimate blockage was known as a quote fatberg a conglomeration of fat and wet wipes that can cause chaos for sewage workers can Can we just do the Ed Larson joke? What? You're like the fatberg. You're a fatberg. Good job.

Hanging out in the sewers, those sorts of things. Yep. This guy said that fatbergs are horrible. They're basically absolutely huge, tons in weight. And what happens is, of course, these fatbergs contain quite a lot of these wet wipes that makes them even bigger. The famous

one from last year in London was literally the size of a double decker bus. Oh my god. Fatbergs straight ahead. This is what sunk the Titanic. He said they're certainly not the most pleasant thing to look at and not the most pleasant thing to look at

and not the most pleasant thing to smell either. It's Ed. It's funny. It's a funny Ed. That's what it looks like. We're showing it on the screen right now. It's fat and wet wipes? Yeah.

How is it fat? I don't understand. I was thinking... Grease, like I guess grease that people pour down the toilet. No, it's not. It's food fat that is somehow the fat in your shit gets separated from the shit and the

congealed fat that you pass through your body because you're eating so many horrible things gets attracted to the wet wipes and those two things for some reason, for some scientific reason, form huge balls. That's like the whole point of the wet wipe. When I

used to be super fat, I got on the Olean diet. The Olean diet, for those that don't know, it makes food fat-free, but it basically just makes fat pass through your body. What is it? You just shit fat. What's the diet? Well, the diet was vodka, soda, cocaine, and Olean chips.

Holden? Yeah, just ruin your whole relationship Write that shit down But you literally do shit fat And wiping with a wet wipe Makes it feel much better So I think there might be something with that Shitting fat is like more painful No it's smooth

It's easier Exactly it flows right down. Wiping's better. Wiping with a wet wipe is better because it picks up more and it feels better. They said that the big issue is that wet wipes don't disintegrate like toilet paper does. They said that they remove about 120 tons of wet wipes from the system every year. Fucking hell, man. So don't flush your wet wipes.

Throw them in the trash. If you're that privileged that you need wet wipes, throw them in the trash. Yeah, he said the problem has exploded over the past couple of years. For some reason, wet wipes are just a thing now. Everyone's using wet wipes. Gotta stay fresh, man.

Yeah, it's the ass wipes that they started selling. Yep, costs $8 million a year to fix blockages caused by wet wipes. And they find that 75% of their sewage blockages involve wipes of some description. And this is the UK, right? No, this is Australia. The desert people. Wow.

I mean, it's nice that Australians are starting to treat themselves better, though. I feel like for the longest time, they prided themselves on being tougher than everybody else. But I think now they're on to the wet wipe game. And once you do get addicted to that clean sensation on your first four parts. Boy, it's quite nice back there. It's quite nice. It's freshening up. Exactly.

You fall in love. I think it's too wet. I like it. I don't like it. I think you're too wavy. You've got to end off on dry. You've got to dry, wet, wet, dry. Let's do a poll.

Kevin, you're on the side of the wet wipe? No, I'm not, actually. I go dry. I go dry mostly, but if someone has wet wipes next to their toilet, I'll take one. So if you were rich, though, Eddie, in a perfect world, wet wipe, no wet wipe. No wet wipe. No wet wipe. Sometimes I'll just put a little sprinkle of water on my teepee.

I did that today, actually. You got to. But then you're breaking through, man. You're going finger straight on anus. Yeah, that's the case. You see, you got to start to get at it, man. You get a little bit of the dry underneath what you're doing. Yeah, you could do it if you try hard.

Someone's going to have to show me later. But we're just talking about a homemade wet wipe here. Just do the wet wipe. Yeah. No, no, no. But the wet wipes aren't flushable like the toilet paper is. Yeah. It's just, we're talking about homemade wet wipes.

They might not be as good as store-bought, but they'll work. It's not our fault. They got to change the formula of the wet wipes. Yeah. Well, that's what they keep saying. They keep putting all these flushable labels on all these wet wipes. But the reality is none of them are flushable. Yeah, they're flushable.

They're just lying to us. Because toilet paper, if you put toilet paper in a glass of water and just let it sit there, it will dissolve. Who hasn't done that, right, guys? I do it every time I play a basketball game. That's what I drink. I remember I had to do it for a while when my hemorrhoids were really bad. But now that they're gone, I don't really have to deal with it.

They're totally gone. I thought they were never totally gone. I don't know. I don't know where they went. Yeah, that is the thing. Isn't hemorrhoids like that's pictures? Have you been to Australia recently? I don't know. They ran away, I think. No, they didn't run away, man. They're just waiting in the dark. They'll be back, I'm sure,

but they've been hiding out for like two years now, which, you know, I'm totally fine with it. They're just plotting against you. They're like the Ninja Turtles just sitting in the sewers trying to get a good plan. Jackie, final answer. Show off my ears. Wet wipe? No wet wipe.

Never a wet wipe. Never? Okay. Never put a little... I have tried it because I have them in my house because I live with someone that has hemorrhoids. So they have them now, so I tried it and it just leaves my ass so wet. Well, you got to go dry it afterwards. But then what's the fucking point of the goddamn wet white?

It's soothing. It's nice. It feels good. And it gets a lot more. I have fine shit. Vitamins in that asshole. I don't have bad ass, though. That's my problem.

I get a bad ass day. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what. A thousand percent good. Yeah. Hold on. What do you have to eat to have a bad ass day?'ll tell you what. My ass is a thousand percent good. Really? Hold on. What do you have to eat to have a badass day? We're talking burgers.

We're talking, you know, I don't even, yeah, I guess. Lots of meats. Just lots of meat. Hamburgers and fucking. It's vegetables. And Chipotle. Chipotle fucking Wednesday. No.

Vegetables make your ass a thousand percent fine. Yeah, it's when I go eat Chipotle. That's when I get a fucking badass day. You eat Chipotle every day. That's what Chipotle means in fine. Yeah, it's when I go eat Chipotle. That's when I get a fucking badass day. You eat Chipotle every day. That's what Chipotle means in Spanish. Yeah, badass day. Oh, by the way, this is a huge problem here in New York City, too. Yes, you're not supposed to flush them.

Our tax dollars are going to this. It costs $3 million in taxpayer funds to remove wet wipes from the sewers here in New York City last year. Well worth it. It's well worth it. It's unbelievable. You can smell my ass any time of day. This is an added expense. This is just something that's come upon in the last couple years. 90% they say of

all of the work they're doing down there. Hypocrite alert. I want to say this. Flush them in New York. The streets smell so bad anyway on trash day. Can you imagine if everyone throws out their shit wet wipes? It'll smell awful. No, just wet some toilet paper.

Make an all-made one. It's so easy to do. Just wet toilet paper. You're right by the sink. Yeah, but I mean, they're using the wet wipes. You're right there with the sink. But they want to be fancy. This is all the Upper West Siders, the Upper East Siders.

They want to be fancy. They can pay for their wet wipes. You know what I'm saying? And their bathroom M&Ms. I know what they're doing in there. Bathroom M&Ms? Oh, yeah. Bathroom M&Ms. They love it be fancy. They can pay for their wet wipes. You know what I'm saying? And their bathroom M&Ms. I know what they're doing in there. Bathroom M&Ms? Oh, yeah. I've heard that.

They love it. Yep. Butterfingers, too. What part of, like, bathroom says M&M? Even when your hands are clean, they're still wet. You put your wet hands in an M&M? You need to feel fancy 100% of the time. They put cashews in there.

Oh, my. That's even worse. Soaks ithews in there. Oh my god. It's even worse. Soaks it up. Nothing edible in the bathroom. Oh, there's tons of it up there. Kevin? They'd be B&Ms. Yes! Yes! Alright,

time for a segment from Holden McNeely. How to beat that summer heat. Fuck it. Today we're gonna talk about how to beat the summer heat. Fuck it. Today we're going to talk about how to beat the summer heat. Fun new ways to beat the summer heat. So I'm going to start with my new fun way that I found. You go to an air conditioning store, you build a snowman, and you suck its cock. That's my way to beat the summer heat. Great.

That's a good idea. That's it? How do you convince them to let you build all this snow, man? Yeah, and where do you get the snow from in the middle of summer?

All right, well, first of all, my main man, Jaji, runs the store and he's nice as shit. If you compliment his girlfriend's tits, you'll be his friend

for the next fucking three months. And then you can just go in there with a bunch of ice. You gotta chip-chop it down. What was the other question, Ed? How fucking dumb are you? Real dumb.

And he threw something at Holden. I flinched, too, like a baby, like a child. I flinched so heavily at the feather that he threw at me. I think that was your skin tag, actually. I still got one cyst on my back that I need to get rid of.

You might throw that shit back, man. Dead skin cells, though, so nothing cancerous. Good. Kevin? Kevin? Well, this is actually a legitimate one. I'm just going to say it because I think it's very helpful to do. Help out some people, man.

Yeah, help some people out, man. My uncle taught me this. What you do is, all you got to do is you take some towels and you slightly just put a few drops of water on them. You don't get it like actually wet. Are you fucking up my thing right now? You just drop a couple things of water on this towel and you freeze them in the shapes you can wear around your neck and your arms and then you're dope.

It feels like you're air conditioned the whole day and it's not dripping on you because it's just a cold towel that fucking, all you need is the ability to plan ahead. We do that, yeah. we do that in the kitchen all the time. Yeah. Wow. That's actually, that's great. You never knew about that, Texas? Never knew about that. Fucking Texas. Yeah, you gotta get, you gotta hit those pressure points, dude. No, it's

a dry heat. I don't care. I always hit a bag of ice on the back of the neck. Kissel, what do you got for us? I, uh... How do you stay cold when you're so big in this hot town? I empty out my fridge and my freezer, and I cut through the freezer and refrigerator divide, and I just sit in it. That's it. It's good.

Yeah. Freeze the blood. Kevin, how do you survive the summer heat? This was a real thing that we actually did last year, and it seemed to work really well. I won't say the name of the store that recommended it, but it rhymes with Shmoem Shmeepo. Models? We went in to get an air conditioner, and the guy said,

oh, you're probably only going to need this for a couple weeks. Our policy lets you return it after two months or whatever, so we basically just bought a room air conditioner and then returned it when it wasn't hot. Oh, perfect. That's amazing. It worked out great. That's like the smartest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, my whole life. It's just... Yeah, exactly. And you always have a new one, too. I know. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I know. And the guy actually... I felt guilty about it, but the guy at the store actually recommended that we do it. Wow. I mean, you win hands down because that's amazing. He's going to be fired the moment this airs. Well, no, he just sells the fuck out of air conditioners, and so he's just making commission.

Every hand over fist. It's like telling people, oh, this is great. I love every part of it. Mookie, you're back in Brooklyn. What do you do to see the cold? Dick pills, man. All the blood rushes to your dick. You only got a cool one part of your body. There you go. Stick that shit in a bowl of ice. All the blood rushes to your dick. You only got to cool one part of your body.

There you go. Stick that shit in a bowl of ice. All your blood is cold as fuck. There you go. Actually, just make enough money to be a human to have air conditioner. It's not that hard. Cool the blood, cool the man. That's what they say.

Jackie? Well, what I've been doing lately is I get a bunch of jizzies. I get a hose. Gin fizzies. of jizzies. I get a hose. Gin fizzies. Gin fizzies. You always have to clarify. Yeah, you have to clarify. I don't need to fucking clarify at this point.

I get my jizzies. I hook my hose up from my faucet in the kitchen up to my roof. So I got the hose going. I got my jizzies. I cover myself in a nice cherry syrup, and I call myself Shirley Temple. And what I do is I wash myself off first, put the cherry glaze

on, I drink the fizzies, sit out in the sun, bake for a while, and then I sell myself as a nice cherry glaze pork shoulder. But you're hot, though. Yeah, but I feel so fucking good about myself. Freeze

that woman's eggs. Please. We must continue it. We need more of them. Ed? You're a fucking piece of garbage. Sit in it. That's what I do. Okay. You sit in the sweat, man. Sit in the sweat. The biggest mistake you can do is

dry off your sweat. Just fucking let it be, man. It's a cool it be the whole point of it is to keep you to make to take care of you so just let it drip i like to sit in a heat drink hot coffee and you know and then like like the indians do to bring it back to you just sit there and you just let it you just let yourself be moist and you be i mean you're not meant for you know human interaction but if you're alone you know it's like enjoy it you know that's the whole purpose you're being a person you're like a dog you're a bastard you're a fucking waste of the earth sitting it that's what i say Marcus? Oh, man. I think the actual best idea goes to Kevin. Which Kevin? This Kevin.

Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett. Yes. All right. But all the other- Yeah, but the air conditioner. I feel like the two Kevins could split it here. I feel, I mean-

Actually, yeah. I'd say let's split it. Yeah. They were both really fucking good, man. So many people. Home Depot is fucked now because you said that. Alright, that's

the round table. That's it. That's it. We did it. Jackie Zabrowski. Shirley Temple. Holden McNeely. Ed Larson. Kevin Barnett. Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel. Thanks for being here, Mookie Thompson. And thank you so much for being here as well. Kevin Skeeney. You're absolutely welcome.

Fuck yeah. And where do we find you guyseney. You're absolutely welcome. Fuck yeah. And where do we find you guys on Twitter? You're at Mookie, right? At Mookie Thompson. And at Kevin Skeeney, and it's S-C-H-I-N-I. Is there anything going on that you guys want to talk about? This comes out, what, tomorrow, right? Monday.

Yeah. Yeah. So it is timely. Fuck no, man. All right, Mookie, you have nothing going on but a bunch of drugs. Kevin, anything? Not too much. Just going back to L.A. tomorrow and got a couple projects.

Hopefully be starting up soon. August 6th, come to Too Fat at the Grand. Catch me at Big Loads 420. Or on July 25th at the Cowmen Show. That is at Pet Rescue here in Brooklyn and going by the Cowmen album in fact let's play some say it's astounding

play some of it so we can't hear him talking about sales there's something from the new Cowmen album cowmen.bandcamp.com peace well i drink white lightning when the clouds are right but them goddamn coldys won't leave me alone. Mama said, son, you don't drink in this bed. But she had to get drunk and have sex with my bed. Left it in love to be his wife. Then Christy married old Granddad on ice. Mr. Bartender, don't be so slow.

I got time for another and a six-pack to go. I build my house Oh, give me that shine in what's left of the chin. I built my house out of beer bottles. But I drank too much bourbon. That's all broken glass. I went to Tuxen to see my old letter. She never knows, so I drove back home. I don't need housing and I don't need weapons I just need a bottle That I can call in

Give me a bourbon Or give me a prayer I'd listen to your story But I cannot buy it It's drinking the sand That devils my brain So give me a shot And let's lift up the chain

It's drinking the sand That devils my brain my friend so give me a shot in what's left of the gin and drink a drink of soda that goes my friend so give me a shot in what's left

of the gin oh give me a shot in what's left of the gin and now I've got pregnant

with a bottle of shots the nurse and the doctor say I'll call the cops Waiting at the party till dawn I named that bottle

Paul Peter and John And I hate my first drink The age of three I picked a bottle from the whiskey tree I drank it and drank it I got rich on I learned how to drive And I learned how to fun.

It's drinking the same, the devil's my friend. So give me a shot of what's left of the gin. It's drinking the same, the devil's my friend. So give me a shot of what's left of the gin. Oh, give me a shot of what's left of the gin. Oh, give me a shot of what's left of the gin Oh, give me that shot of what's left of the gin