The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 255: Radio Cat

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

Today on Round Table: three enterprising criminals troll the depths of the NYC sewer system for treasures, a man in a bear suit has fun with bears, and a man shoplifts $75 worth of steaks in his colostomy bag. Joining us today: Reid Faylor, Andrew Short, and Chris Donahue!

The Round Table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Round Table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. That's true. Alright, guys, let's do a guided meditation. Take a deep breath. Let yourself feel

every part of you. Yuck. And you're feeling calm and you're in your childhood bedroom. More yuck. It's a little Saturday morning and you're a little boy and you're thinking to yourself, ooh, baby boy hungry for some pancakes.

You want pancakes but you look over and your door is open and you didn't go to bed with your door open. You're right, I didn't. I always do. Do I feel... I feel someone in here. I start checking through below the bed,

my closet, and behind my big teddy bear. But there's nothing here. Where could somebody be? And then you look up and in the corner of your room is a spider web so big it couldn't possibly be made by a spider. It could be only made by a little boy catching eating man.

Uncle Rodney! No! An Uncle Rodney, if you will. Yeah, definitely. All right. uncle rodney no an uncle rodney if you will yeah definitely alright is that it that's it that was a great

little horror story yeah so i hope everyone's feeling a little more zen spider-man was a child rapist oh yeah you can use your

powers for great good i'm gonna go molest some children oh okay welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody we're down a whole bunch of people really the only folks You can use your powers for great good. I'm going to go molest some children. Oh, okay. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. We're down a whole bunch of people. Really the only folks from the, I guess, what do you call it?

The starting five or the starting six. There's just three of us here. Marcus and Etta are here and then I'm Ben. How you doing, guys? What's going on? Nothing. Yeah, we're doing it. We can't deny people the roundtable for this week. We can't deny them that.

We wouldn't do it. It would be anti-Trump. Team Trump. Team Trump. All right. Happy to have you on board, Eddie. Team Cump. Well, that's a different kind of person.

All right. Andrew and Reed, thank you so much for being here. Reed Fahler and Andrew Short. Hey, hey. Thank you so much. Fresh young man. Yeah, little boys together. Oh, man.

Together you make almost one full man. It's amazing. And together, Eddie and I make almost one full man. It's amazing. And together, Eddie and I make someone who would be dead in a minute. Because the obesity would be too hard to handle. Chris Donahue is also here. Thanks for being here, Chris. I think Reed and I would gain weight if we lived off your table scraps. Oh, absolutely.

It would be amazing. This is what falls on the floor. You guys got on each other's shoulders with a trench coat and tried to go to a bank and get a loan? Absolutely. That's how we've been getting into R-rated movies for the past 27 years. High five. I love it. The most adorable couple in comedy.

Cute bunch. Cute two. Cute two. All right, Marcus. Now, we have a lot of fun stories. And I feel like there's a lot of fun tales that would involve Reed and Andrew, something that they might get into.

Actually, I think this one, this does sound like a bit of a caper that you boys would be interested in. Okay. Don't creep them out, Marcus. Don't creep them out. Three men hoping to find valuables in New York City's extensive sewer system

are facing criminal charges for climbing through a manhole cover and spending several hours on a treasure hunt in the muck-filled caverns. It ain't muck, my friend. It's shit. It's human dookie. I love these guys. I didn't know that was illegal. Well, I mean, really, it shouldn't be illegal.

What are you wasting? Yeah, are they outlawing imagination? What kind of rule is this in this city? If you want to go down to the muck playing the dookie with a metal detector, why not? Whatever you find,

that's yours. I think the problem is New York City doesn't want you to find the treasure. Oh. This is some real grown-up goonie shit. Yeah, the poopy goonies. Yeah.

The men had taken metal detectors with them into the sewer. Which is so adorable. Did they put the suntan lotion on their head as well? What do you dress like when you're about to go sift for treasure in Dookie? I guess you'd wear that big raincoat outfit, you know? Oh, like the beginning of the movie.

Yeah, the overalls. You know, the raincoat overalls? With the shoes already on them, it's just one big piece. That's what I would wear. Geiger counter for sure. Yeah, definitely. And a garbage bag. with the shoes already on them. It's just one big piece. That's what I would wear. Geiger counter for sure. Yeah, definitely. And a garbage bag.

What the little brother was wearing in the beginning of It when he had his little paper sailboat and then of course Pennywise the Clown found it in the sewers because Pennywise was down there looking for treasure. Yeah. And then he found it in the form of a child.

I think we just answered why it's illegal. Oh, that's right. Demonic ghost. It does bring up a good point though. Children really are why it's illegal. Oh, that's right. Demonic ghosts and demons. It does bring up a good point, though. Children really are our nation's treasure. Oh, that is a good point. I was going to say, once you get older and you're in all this shit, you probably realize that the treasure was inside you the whole time.

That's right. This is another inspirational story. Making these memories has been way more fulfilling than any children we could kidnap down there. I'll tell you what, man. I hate looking for treasure, but I love finding children. You never know what's going to be out there. Trevor. That's what I thought you were going to say.

I love looking for Trevor. You know, it's so fun because what drug do you think was used during the planning of this event? Two people agreed to do this. I'd say. Usually these are a one person. Three people agreed. Three people agreed to do this. And all different ages too.

One guy was 21, one was 35 and one was 45. There must be cooks. Yeah, they gotta be cooks. Were they looking for a specific treasure or were they like there's probably treasure down there. Exactly. They were hoping to find valuables flushed or drop down toilets and drain pipes. It happens all the time.

The tampons will be mine. With any luck it's a human finger but usually just a tampon so how'd they get caught did not put the manhole cover back well witnesses called police and responding officers and firefighters outfitted in protective garb followed the men but could not locate the pair about four hours later see that's here's what happened first of all there's one guy on the inside, Marquise Evans. He was in the poopy business. 21. He dislodged the manhole cover on a street here in Brooklyn on Wednesday and let them inside.

The two men, they tried to wait the police out. They could only wait four hours and finally returned from whence they came. David Hannibal, 45, and Damien Nieves, 35. They walked into the butthole of New York City. They literally entered the anus of the entire city. And that's the axiomatic four-hour rule

because if you're in there for more than four hours, you turn into a swamp person. Oh my god. I watched a great horror movie. You're not allowed to come out. No, you gotta live there forever! Out the sun! Probably great skin, though. Or maybe it breaks out in rash. There's something about human excrement that just makes people glisten.

Shine. Yeah. I watched a terrible horror movie when I was about a sophomore in high school called Monsterd. Has anybody seen this? Monsterd was huge. It was formed in the toilets. And when you went to the bathroom and you didn't flush properly, that monster would come and he would just murder you.

Well, you know, usually with his shit hands. It was just a big old pile of shit. Just a huge dookie monster. That's fun. I wonder if Dale Prosner from the San Francisco Examiner said about the movie, it's not just a movie, it's a movement. A bowel movement. I get it.

I love these guys, but what if they went down there and actually found some jewels, some gems? Because you're right, people flush things all the time. I feel like it's their right to go down there. As long as they got to chip away at the fatberg while they're down there, though. Yeah. Is it illegal when, it tends to be Asian women, this isn't a racist sentence, this is just it tends to be them, going through cans and other people, you know, doing the, you know,

can collection. Is that illegal? I think if they go onto your property to grab it, then yes, I believe that that is illegal. Like, say you live in a brownstone and you've got a little fence between the sidewalk and your trash

can, if they go inside the fence, that's trespassing. But I don't think it is illegal for them to pick it up off of the sidewalk. I love those people, by the way. I love all people. Is it illegal?

That's what I say. Time again for Bing Kissel's sincere, insincere comment. That was sincere! I know! I love the dookie people here down there in the sewers cleaning up the mess. I sent him a love the dookie people here. Now they're in the sewers cleaning up the

mess. I sent him a couple of gifts the other day. The main guy, Marquise Evans, he was a trainee at the City Department of Environmental Protection, which maintains the sewer system. He was facing a string of charges, including reckless endangerment and criminal

facilitation. It was unclear how he intended to plead to the charges or if he had obtained an attorney at the time of press. Oh, shit. And could not immediately be reached for comment. And he's also been suspended. Suspended? He's just in some back room of a police station

sobbing into his handcuffs. I just wanted to have fun. I wasn't trying to do any terror. I just wanted to have fun. I wasn't trying to do any terror. I just wanted to chew. The smell of these guys coming up from there, that must have been intense. I'm surprised they could spend four hours because, you know, usually kids if they fall into these manhole covers

and whatnot, the, um, what's the, what do all humans make? And cows as well. Uh, excrement. No. Dookie. Milk. No. No. Well, not all humans. No. Uh, the odor of the No. Dookie. Milk. No. No. Well, not all. Methane? No. The odor, the gas.

Oh, methane. Methane. We'll kill him. When Marcus says it, it's right. But when Reed says it, it's just, oh, who cares? Reed just said the answer. Reed, you're under 5'5". Reed's actually a scientist.

He is an actual scientist. But I'm six feet tall True, that does mean you are better than me Well, it definitely means I'm admitted If you saw someone climbing into a sewer Would you call the cops? I don't give a shit How are they going to hurt you?

If anything, I would just go home and take a big dumper And hope I hit them Criminal trespass, that's what these guys got charged with They had one hell of a lofty goal. There's over 6,000 miles of sewer pipes between New York City's, uh, or below the five boroughs here in New York City.

Did they find anything in four hours? Nothing. Did they find a chud? Absolutely. That's a good question. Maybe that's why it's illegal. No, no, no, no. We have an agreement with the chud. We don't go down there. They don't go up here.

They're thrown in a dark room, and there's just the end of a cigarette burning, and a man's like, so you're looking for the chud, huh? So these guys, they weren't able to find what they wanted to find, but they did have a good experience, and I'm sure they're better friends than ever. Absolutely. You know what? Right now. They did have a good experience, and I'm sure they're better friends than ever.

Absolutely. You know what? Right now, I've got an update from a story we did, I think, about a year and a half ago. Oh, wow. Do you guys remember when the old man got cooked to death in the Bumblebee tuna machine? Oh, how could I forget? Yeah, he gets high in the machine, if you remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this guy.

Yeah, well, he's dead. He got high in the machine? Well, he used to get stoned in the machine until it cooked him to death, yeah, yeah. I love this guy. He's dead. He got high in the machine? Well, he used to get stoned in the machine until it cooked him to death. What did he do after that, then? Bumblebee Foods will pay $6 million in the 2012 death of an employee

who was cooked in an industrial oven with literally tons of tuna. The biggest settlement ever in a California workplace safety violation involving a single victim. He was getting stoned. Jose Molina. Oh, okay. Drug czar Ed Larson. Sorry sometimes you like to party with cooked fish.

When I get stoned, I'm putting my life at risk and I know it. With cooking fish, not even quite finished yet. I don't know, six million bucks? Six million bucks? They didn't tell me I had to go in there and smoke weed by all the tuna. Jose Molina, 62, was loading a 35-foot long oven at the company Santa Fe Springs

plant before dawn October 11, 2012, when a co-worker who mistakenly believed Molina was in the bathroom filled the pressure cooker with 12,000 pounds of canned tuna and turned it on. The body was found two hours later after the pressure cooker which reached 270 degrees

was turned off and opened. Oh man, that's not even that hot. That must have taken a while to die. Well, no, maybe all the tuna just crushed him. I think he'd suffocate first. At least you got to nibble on a while to die. Well, no, maybe all the tuna just crushed him. I think he'd suffocate first. I mean, at least you got to nibble on a bunch of shit. Yeah, but it's not cut right. Oh, yeah, then you have the bones in there.

Yeah, well, not really the bones as much as, you know, if sushi's cut differently than normal. Yeah, and I assume they didn't serve that tuna then or anything like that. They have to have a new sticker that says it's a free. Or they just threw it all out. They threw it all out and they went and caught some dolphins. Six million bucks. So now his family is probably fairly happy

about the accident. He was 62. He was nearing the end of his usefulness anyway. There's very few people in my family I could defend against six million dollars. I love you. I love you. I love you, Uncle Terry,

but you haven't been doing $6 million for me lately. This guy definitely wasn't worth $6 million. Who is? 62, making like, what, $35 a year probably. They got off lucky. Big question. For $6 million, which of your relatives would you eat out of a can?

I don't have a big family. You'd have to kind of like them because you're eating them. You don't want to eat someone that grosses you out. And you'd have to add mayo to make it taste good. Can they still live? Can I just eat part of them and they'll still be alive? No, they'd be canned. They'd all be canned.

It'd be one big can. Can't just lose a limb, huh? No. Tough to say, Reed a limb, huh? No. Tough to say, Reed. Wait, you're Andrew. Who's who? It's a mystery. Am I over here?

I think my grandmother would actually like to be eaten. Yeah? Yeah, I think she is so full of spite, so full of rage, that I think she would enjoy the idea of us having to consume her form. So, yes, I'm going to go with my grandmother because she's probably going to write that in her will. Yeah. It's going to be an open casket, but it won't be like a casket.

It'll be a buffet, and she's going to have a heat lamp over her body. We're going to have to cut her up and nibble on her. So, yeah. Still in the coffin, though. A bunch of tuna in the coffin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a lot of person, you know. Wouldn't you want to go with a child just so it'd be less, you wouldn't have to eat

as much? I don't have any young relatives, Ed. That's right. Yeah. All of his brothers are gay and none of them have a doctor. Or can I like make sandwiches for the next year? And if you eat them all at once, you get a prize. I have some cousins who keep like procreating and they should stop.

So I'd probably like. One of the kids. Go for it. No, I do. Just so they stop making kids, I would eat one of them probably. A woman. Yeah. Typical Chris Donahue. I don't want to name names, but if any

of my immediate family is listening, which they're not, they know who we're talking about. Good inside family joke. For those of you who don't, he's talking about Bradley. Bradley! You're next, Bradley. Watch out, Bradley. Bradley, me too.

What do you think, Eddie? Who you eating? One of my little cousins, for sure. One of the young ones. All right. I got a bunch of young cousins. It's easier to break their bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you put a little suit of armor on them, it's like you're eating crap. Kind of an Elbert fish, but more of an Elbert whale. No, no, no. Dying in a vat of tuna, dying in the sewer system, I would actually say the tuna is a better way to go. To be sure it was something you love. You want to be tuna. Yeah, you want to be the tuna.

But, yeah, I mean, honestly, if they would have served this tuna, I guess the bones. Yeah. Yeah, you can't have the human bones. Never mind, scratch it. Yeah, that'll piss people off every time. Oh, yeah. You know.

It's not an episode of South Park. I think I would agree with you. I would definitely take dying in the wave of tuna. It's actually kind of close to how a way I want to die already anyhow. Yeah. Can we kind of say... Oh, a drowning in a pussy. Read the tongue,

the failure. God, it's so gross what you're doing right now. And by the way, congratulations on the engagement. I can't wait to see your wedding. That's great. I'm going to be drowning

in a pussy, a one from here on out. And that's the one to be in. That's great. Why bother going and pouring different baths for yourself when you can stay in the same bath every day as the bath water gets dirtier and dirtier.

You never empty that water because that's the water you are laying in. You just got to scrub the tub every once in a while. How do you milk your woman's juice, Reed? How do I milk my woman's juice? Marcus hasn't asked a question ever on this show. Pressure to the thorax. How do you milk your woman's juice?

Huh. That's just a common question. As I was saying, turkey baster, pressure to the thorax, and then just a hot compress. Nice. It normally draws out most of the juices. You got to shake out the last couple teaspoons. And a shameless plug, Reed will be selling this at the Greenpoint Farmer's Market every

Saturday in McCarran Park. 1-1-2-1-1 is my phone number, and you can just give that a call. I worked at a thing with AT&T. You can have a five number, they said. That's great. Can I put it in my vape and vape it? I would say you could, but warning, it might make you horny.

$40 a jar. Oh, wow. It's a bit pricey. That's for sure. I was thinking that was cheap. $40 for a jar? Oh, wow. It's a bit pricey. That's for sure. I was thinking that was cheap. $40 for a jar? Jar or squirt? Yeah. It's a lot of time. We're talking about Reed's future wife here, people.

I love you so much, Sammy, and we're going to spend every day of our lives together. Oh, that's exciting. What a smart decision you're making. All right. And I can't wait to be there. Yeah. It's very excited. Chris, we'll send you a fruit basket.

I'll be there. Good. I'm going to be eating all the pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So we got the poor fellow who was smoking, and he's dead. He's dead. All the dookie boys, they're having a good time.

They're having a good time. The dookie bandits. Let's go up to Alaska for the next man having a good time. Oh my God. I'd rather be in a sewer. Yeah. Authorities want to talk to a man who donned a fairly realistic bear costume and wore it while harassing a bear and her two cubs trying to feed off pink salmon in an Alaska river.

I love coming that way. The bears are not pressing charges. What is a fairly realistic bear costume? Hairy knuckles? It fooled the bears. It fooled the bears. The incident happened Monday on the Chilkoot River near Haines.

It wasn't immediately known what the man was trying to accomplish. A crowd had gathered at a weir used to count fish because the sow and the two cubs have frequently been showing up there to feed during the salmon run. The crowd, which is kept at a safe distance from the weir, became startled when a man

decked out in a bear outfit ran through the area Monday evening. The man began to jump up and down, then got close to the cubs within 5 to 10 feet. Alaska Fish and Game Technician Lou Sinacola moved the sow out of the way for the man's safety and then tried to talk to the man, which Soggy said is a little outside of Sinicola's normal duties. He said, our job is to count fish.

And Sinicola said the man refused to identify himself. Soggy reported that the man told the technician, you have the license plate number, you figure it out. I love it. The man then got into his car and drove off without ever removing the costume head and revealing his face. I love this guy. Did he get away with it?

They just want to talk to him. Of course he got away with it. He can't, there's no he committed no crime. He's just an a bear suit. A sentence of 20 years for speaking to bears. They just want to talk to him. I think they just want to sit him down and explain to him what he did was wrong. I just love that he got into a car and drove away full bear costume.

So you know for a fact there was a group of Alaskan kids stoned off their fucking asses. His arm out the window. Drove by him and they're like, oh, shit. See, this is why we need stronger immigration policies. Typical. The bears are rising. Dark bear rises. Hey, you got a picnic basket?

Hey, buddy. The guy wasn't doing anything wrong. They're just hanging out with the bears. I mean, it's more for his safety than anyone else's. Because if the bear gets a snooter that something's wrong. A snooter? Yeah. What's a snooter?

A snooter is a suspicion that a man is about. A bear suspicion is a snooter? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know. Snooter. Yeah. When a bear has a suspicion. All bear detectives, constantly snooters.

From the Latin word, snootra, meaning bear-like suspicion. Interesting. Okay. Snootra, snootroom. Me and my big old girlfriend have been practicing karma snootra. Oh, good God. Go clean off your fucking face and nose, Eddie. Yeah, if the bear surmises that the man is not who he claims to be.

And it kills him and it becomes a fucking man-eater, the whole town's screwed. And you look who benefits. Quibono.-eater. The whole town's screwed. And you look who benefits. Quibono. Who's Quibono? I don't know. I think that just means who benefits. It's Latin for who benefits.

Really? Yeah. Well, that's why we beat the Latins. Suck it. Yeah, whatever happened to them? It's Latin for who good. Who good? Who good? Who good?

Was the guy trying to steal the fish that the bear were catching? No, he was just trying to... He was... I mean, well, that's what it says in the story. It wasn't immediately known what the man was trying to accomplish. He just wanted to hang out with bears. It's Alaska.

He's lonely. Yeah. I mean, if you're a fluffy... Or what do you call them? Flurries? Fluffers? Flurries? Furries. Furries.

He's just taking it to the next level. Are they a flurry? A blizzard? Are they the the yoker? But I must be such a terrible father. My 13 year old son dresses up as a Pomeranian or something. You're a fluffer.

It's a furry dad. Not a butt. And as an artist how disappointing would it be to see him break character and get into a car? Oh, yeah. But I love it. This guy, I mean, you know, it must be very difficult to drive in a bear costume. You don't have the peripheral vision.

Yeah, I mean, he did all sorts of dangerous things that day. The least of which I would say was hanging out with the bears. He had a very ill-advised afternoon. I mean, you know, I've heard of driving while drunk. I've never heard of driving while bare, and I think it should be outlawed. He broke the law that doesn't even exist because literally... Disagree.

Legalize it. Don't legalize it. Don't illegalize it. Keep it legal. It's perfectly fine, man. I like a little chaos in life. We all know that. Again, this is just the United States government trying to stamp out imagination so they can build more STEM graduates to make their missile defense program.

The bear necessities. The simple bear convesities. I love this shit, man. Well, this bear probably needed an oil change at some point. That's what I say. More bear music. I want more music about bears. More bear-themed music.

Look at this. I'm 27. I've paid taxes for nine years, and this is bullshit. Yep. Yep. The Berenstain Bears. Bears have been incorporated in our lifetime, in our lives forever. We didn't even recognize it.

They're taking over the whole goddamn place. Fucking Tailspin rocked. Tailspin was great. Love Tailspin. Berestine Bears. They were a bunch of schmucks, though. Terrible bears. What's wrong with the Berestine Bears?

They were Mormon. Jewish. Jewish. I thought they were evangelical. Mormon Jews. Oh, boy. Why, I gotta. You guys heard about this new Bernstein, Bernstein Bears?

My favorite.roversy That's my favorite What is it? I half understand it because I read it high I figured that the two of us You take it away The two of us can maybe It's like, okay

So everybody remembers from when you were a kid Is it Berenstein or Berenstain? Berenstein Bears It's the Berenstein Bears Berenstein Bears Yeah, they're Jewish No, it is not It is Berenstain Bears It is spelled B-E- No, it is not. It is Berenstain Bears.

It is spelled B-E-R-E-N-S-T-A-I-N. Berenstain. What if I said to you, no, now it is. Exactly. Oh. Time travel. Because it's actually, it is possible that there was a convergence at some point creating two parallel universes

where half of us remember it as the Berenstain Bears and the other half remember it as the Berenstain Bears, but the books in the universe that we are currently in, they have always been the Berenstain Bears, but those of us that remember it as the Berenstain Bears are from an actual other parallel universe that is merged with this one. Same thing with Teddy Ruxpin.

Yeah. This is my only problem with this. He was trying to tell us. Oh, my God. He was trying to tell us. Just a snitch. My only problem with this theory is that, technically, by the vast probability of different universes,

there's a universe for every choice that there is. Yeah. Meaning that the universe we live in and the universe some of us formerly inhabited, the only difference was how they spelled the Berenstain Bears. Yeah. And to that I say... And that's a weird reality to...

No, to that I say the Lord works in mysterious ways. Can't go wrong with that. Not one of us have called him Berenstain, by the way. Yeah, never. So we're all from the same universe. Thank God us have called him Berenstain, by the way. Yeah, never. So we're all from the same universe. Thank God. It's just Berenstain. I didn't even think of that as a Jewish reference. I always thought they were a German

group of bears. Yeah, German bears make sense. The mom with the weird little cap. Yeah. The dad with the hat. There's bears in Germany, too. Of course. Definitely. Yeah, black bears. Black forest. Or were there never until our universes collided? Well, if you call them Berenstain Bears, let's just have a race war over it.

Let's just murder each other. I'm going to kill you. Off Earth, man. Get out of here. We were obviously here first. We have to kill the creators. Yeah, man. Must.

The engineers. We need to kill the planet. Jan and whatever the dad's name is. If you say Berenstain, then you bleed green. That's what I heard. We're going to write Berenstain in your blood. Thank God all of us remember Berenstein bears.

Reed said remembering Berenstain bears. I think we should turn all these people into tuna. Better. Human tuna. Just turn into the thing in here. You've got to drink the gasoline, mister. Uh-oh, Mark is pointing at Reed.

Oh no, his head just popped off and ran out the door. God damn it. Well, Andrew, I guess you're kind of fucked now. I guess I don't have a best friend no more. I still love you. I still love you. I still love you.

Then become me. Oh, no. They have become one. Isn't that exciting? We had two guests to start, now we have one. That's great. All right. So the guy is fine. He's driving around dressed as a bear, tripping out all the people who are stoned while driving. That's great. All right. So the guy is fine.

He's driving around dressed as a bear, tripping out all the people who are stoned while driving. Having a great time. Back home, I used to have a guy in a purple pickup truck. Used to always drive around shaking a tambourine. Kind of the same thing. Kind of the same thing. It was similar. Yeah.

What do you like that? Out the window? Yeah, just always had a tambourine shaking while I drove. Man, I'm so glad I'm not crazy. Yeah. And he was rocking out to music or no music? Yeah, he always had some Spanish music on, but he was white as hell.

Shaking that tambourine. Purple pickup truck. I wonder if he's still riding around the streets all Boca Raton. Right in. The purple pickup truck. That's what I call my balls if they ever get bruised. Which is often for arousal.

Yes, yes, yes. I have a real wealthy man's sexual style. Candle in ass, finger in ear. That's right. Won't you go ahead and lay on your tummy and make you my candle holder? I could light up a whole restaurant. No, I had reservations. Next story.

Yeah, let's do another one. Next story. Yeah, let's do another one. South Carolina man arrested yesterday for shoplifting ribeye steaks from a food lion smuggled meat out of the store in his colostomy bag, according to a police interview with the suspect's girlfriend. Take a look at this man right here. Oh, my God. Were they still wrapped?

I mean, was he using the colostomy bag? Cops were called Tuesday afternoon to the food line after employees reported that an older white male stole $75 worth of ribeye steaks. The workers said that the man drove away from the Roebuck store in a green Nissan. Spartanburg County Sheriff's Office deputies traced the car back to David Samuel Hoyt, 55, who they found at the residence of Angela Woody, who lives on Shaw Road down from the Church of God. Honey, I'm bringing us dinner tonight. You better be home and dressed right. I think it's smart he could have put a bunch of marinade.

Like, he could have marinated it in the... That's true, yeah. I think he had a marinade in there. It's ready when he gets home, you know? I just imagine an Ocean's Eleven situation where they're like, $75 worth of steaks. That's crazy. Exactly.

As long as we have an Asian gymnast. Right. The guy looks exactly like every character in a horror movie that works at a gas station that gives you the wrong advice and also punctures your tire while you're there. I love to eat pickled eggs. He's a creepy dude.

Yeah, so the colostomy, I'm looking up on how to, because I'm thinking about this marinade thing. I'm thinking, how does a colostomy bag work? Does it just constantly funnel out any kind of shit that is made? Oh, yeah.

Under the impression, and now we can know the answer to this, I'm under the impression it just does it involuntarily. Yeah, that it's just constantly leaking out of your body because you have no control over... Now, do we know, was this colostomy bag actually attached to him? Is it an active bag? Right.

Yeah. It was. So his doo-doo's in there. He didn't have a decoy bag? All right. Okay, so here I think is the difference. I mean, and this might just be a journalistic choice here in the wording because it doesn't say that he smuggled the meat out of the store in a colostomy bag he said that he smuggled it out in his colostomy bag

yeah he owned the colostomy bag so if it's his colostomy bag then that implies that it's attached he did need it i mean going by the by the U.S. legal code, it does... Ownership... I'm sorry. Ownership... It's very technical. Ownership does transfer when you do defecate inside of it. Which is why I say, my dog.

Yeah, exactly. The 1978 case of Dookie Dave versus the state. Dookie Dave actually came out on top. Now, see here. I do believe my client did defecate inside this here dog. I'm no big city lawyer. It is hot.

But when I ask you to smell where a Dookie lay, I think it's very clear, it lay right here. That's right. Judge Rehnquist, he came down very, very on the side of, if you shat on it, it's yours. As we know. As they say, he who shat it, begat it. It's biblical. That's why gays can get married. That's my fourth daughter.

Oh, well, don't just... One through three, all pee-pee. can get me. My fourth daughter. Oh, well, don't just... All right. That's a lot of daughters. One through three, all pee-pee. Oh, good. One through four, give us some more. All right.

Well, you never know what's happening. During questioning, Hoyt initially denied stealing the steaks, but later, quote, made a verbal confession to the theft,

saying that he put the meat in bags and walked out of the food line. Woody Hoyt's 47-year-old girlfriend offered a police lieutenant further details about her Beau's steak heist. A deputy noted, Mrs. Woody confirmed that Mr. Hoyt had taken meat from Food Lion by putting it in his colostomy bag. Additional details about that means of conveyance were not memorialized by investigators.

Hoyt was arrested for shoplifting and booked into the county jail on the misdemeanor charge. He remains locked up on $2,130 bond. Oh, get him out of there. This woman doesn't love him at all. $230,000? Come on. No, $2,000. Oh, $2,000. Which is still too much. Let's say $230. They should

make him make them dinner. I don't know about that. I mean, this guy that. What is it? He's sneaking steaks out of a food line in his colostomy bag. He doesn't have an extra $230. No, that's what I'm saying. But out of all the offenses that you can have in life, out of all the things you can steal, he's just stealing steaks.

Odds are that we're going to throw it away that night anyway when no one bought it. Maybe. Food line doesn't throw out anything. Well, that's very true. It just gets better and better and better Maybe I'm the only person that thinks this But I would rather they throw the food away Than poor people get it

I'm sorry if that's calloused And I'd like to say right now Reid just announced his candidacy For Republican nomination No more immigrants No more gays And when women come to America And say, I want to have a baby, I say, let me help you. How?

It's a strange platform. Reed, what events in your childhood led to your current beliefs? Well, when I was a little boy, I remember my mother saying to me, son, when you're older and you marry me, you can become me. And I said, good. I want to become one with the mother truly and through her. You're really channeling Holden in this scene. Really? Holden, wow.

Read-a-nators, go row. Ooh. No. I'm ready to do that. Yeah, read-a-nators. Sorry. Readinators go row. Ooh! No! I'm ready to do that. Yeah, Readinators. I like Readinators. Well, they'd be called readers if they were anything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those are the smart ones. And Holdinators don't read. No, they literally have no idea. They just lay eggs and fucking scream. I don't even know if they see colors. And stay in the shade when it's hot, but stay in the sun when it's cool. Bumpy neck.

Let's just reaffirm our love for Donald Trump, Team Trump, and we're back. I've got a politics story for you, Ben. I want to go back to the meat and the poo-poo. You want to go to meet poo-poo man? You got more on that? I don't know. I've got no more on it.

There's no other information. I do like that they said her bow in the article. Her bow. That's a journalistic choice. She said her bow. She made him make... She demanded dinner that evening. From her bow. And all he did was

go out there and actively get it. Isn't this more romantic than buying it? The direct quote from her. I don't care if you have to pull it out of your ass. Get me steak. Get it. Well, I'm back home, darling, and guess what I had to do?

We got dookie flank steaks. We got dookie... Rib-eye. Classy choice. It's marbled. Rib-eye is a classy choice. I had a rib-eye just yesterday. It waseye. Classy choice. It's marbled. Rib-eye is a classy choice. I had a rib-eye just yesterday. It was wonderful. Where did it come from?

It came from a Walmart. Now, what did you do to wash the feces off of it? How did you steal it up your butthole? What I first do is I dip it in a Dijon mayonnaise. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That brings up the peptides of the feces. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's a peptide? A peptide is a protein chain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That brings up the peptides of the feces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a peptide? A peptide is a protein chain. I don't know exactly. I'm losing half the science I learned. That's good. Now you're starting to fit in, Reed. And then you pat it. A lot.

Back in the butt for 30 minutes. No, you don't stab it. You don't stab it. Yeah, you pat it, and then you rub it on a dog, and then it's the butt for 30 minutes. No, you don't stab it. You pat it and then you rub it on a dog and then it's ready. Doesn't matter what kind of dog. As long as it's got vinegar all over it.

Yep, shot. You own that dog. I forgot about the vinegar. I forgot about soaking the dog in vinegar for upwards of six hours. They hate it. No, no, no. Two more hours, Ruffy.

Between tuna, feces, and vinegar, I think I'd still rather die in tuna. I am starving. I went to Tad's Steaks this weekend for the first time. It was delightfully mediocre. Yeah, Tad's. It's a very famous place, right? Where is it?

There used to be a chain of them in Times Square, but now they're only down to one. It's basically Ponderosa Sizzler Steaks. It's pretty fucking great. You get a huge ass ribeye for $20. That's great. You can't even order a temp. All the chefs have colostomy bags. Oh, man.

Everyone's so mad. Instead of going to the Fresh Market in Union Square, they go and steal it from Whole Foods. You've got to wait in line with a tray and shit. Oh, you do? You can take it to a table. Would the steak be a ribeye or a brown eye? Oh! There we go.

First down to you, everybody. I love a tray. If a restaurant doesn't make you wait in line holding a tray, well, you get free refills in a restaurant. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And give you dinner rolls, too. Oh, absolutely.

Unlimited. They sell 40s also. They do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And give you dinner rolls, too. Oh, absolutely. Unlimited. They sell 40s also. They do? Yeah, yeah. They sell 40s? It was great. And you're the only person that could sniff out the restaurant that sells 40s. I've never even heard of that.

What kind? OE? No, Bud. Oh, Bud. Okay. God damn. Well, this place sounds great. It was pretty great.

I bought steak dinner for me and my buddy with 40s. We had sides. $55. Not bad. Not bad. If you are a restaurant that has terrible food, just start offering 40s. The clientele will not give a shit what the food tastes like. All they're going to want is more 40s.

Exactly. Love a 40. All right. This is a politics story here. Okay. An Illinois man who was caught with a stolen vibrator stashed in his boxer shorts told police that he had no idea how the device got there, according to a police report that notes the suspect also later stripped naked in a holding cell while making, quote, derogatory

comments about President Obama. Oh, man. Oh, what a piece of shit. More of a dildo story. I like how our liberal friends on Facebook are going to immediately side with Obama on this. Classic. Obama probably put the dildo there himself.

Yep. Here's a picture of the man right here. Oh, my God. White dude. I love that there randomly is a picture of Obama just holding his head in fucking horror. This guy snitched on me. This photo and the last photo,

it was like they told the people, alright, one, two, think about math, three. It's tough to get a good mugshot picture. It's not easy. They're not even trying to make you look good in those pictures. Christopher Hucko, 44, was collared last month after allegedly walking out. Please, Marcus, have some respect.

Berenstein. I'm a Hucko guy. Different planets. I'm a Hucko guy. He was collared last month after allegedly walking out of a suburban Chicago sex shop with a $48 Euphoria G-Spot Delight Vibrator in his pants, police have been called to the Orland Park store by a worker who reportedly, or who reported that she believed Hucko put merchandise in his pants.

The employee told cops that she had noticed a, quote, large bulge in the suspect's trousers. A quartet of officers confronted Hucko as he left the Lover's Lane store. When cop Anthony Carone asked him, quote, what he had stuffed in his pants, Hucko replied, quote, my penis. Hey, alright. That's why I don't trust cops. Can't do it. Hucko added that he had a tattoo of a

cherry on his penis and asked the cop if he wanted to see it. Oh, that's crazy. Was he lying about that? He don't. God damn it. This is terrible journalism. Did not say. Obviously, a subsequent search of Hucko turned up the pink vibrator under his boxers. After removing the stolen goods, Carone reported that.

I asked Christopher how that got there, to which he replied that he had no idea. Cops also found marijuana and a pot pipe among Hucko's belongings. Later. A pot pipe? A pot pipe. A pot pipe among Hucco's belongings. Later, a pot pipe. A pot pipe. A little hobbit. So my mom caught him. Is this real? Andrew, is this your pot pipe?

Tell me the truth, Andrew. Andrew, hurry home for dinner. We're having chicken pot pipe. Later. Sounds amazing. Sounds like a great restaurant chain in Colorado right now. Chicken pot pipe. Later. Sounds amazing. Sounds like a great restaurant chain in Colorado right now. Chicken Pot Pipe. If that doesn't exist, it needs to.

And Reed, you have it. I only suck chicken through pipe. Mmm, liquid chicken. Tastes like Jose, but he's only in tuna. His name was Jose, right? Yeah, Jose Morales. There we go. Morales.

I miss him. Rest in peace. I miss him. Rest in peace. I miss him. I guess rest in tuna? Rest in tuna. Rest in Pisces? I don't know. So that's a fish.

Really a stretch of a pond. Rest in fishies. Rest in peace. Oh my God. Yeah. Swimming with the fishes. He was right there the whole time. He slept with the fishes.

Bacon with the fish. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon with the tuna. Bacon real good. Bacon with the tuna.

Make it understood that the tuna makes the boy better at sex. That was actually, I just watched Bullworth, and that is exactly what that movie was about. I hear it's great. I saw it when I was younger younger but I don't remember it. Yeah. Kind of actually kind of co-ops the black culture there. What'd you think? Do you like it or not? Overall very fun. Yeah. Very fun feature film. Ghetto Superstar

came from it and that's great for strip clubs. Boom. Love a good strip club and I love Ghetto Superstar. Guy had a dildo in his pants. Yeah he did. Shove it up inside of him. Everyone's putting the meat up in the butt. So he had half a dildo in his pants. No, he did. Shove it up inside of him. Everyone's putting the meat up in the butt. So he had half a dildo in his pants. No, he didn't shove it up inside of him, though.

He didn't open it up. It was still in the packaging. Can you try out a dildo in a dildo store? You cannot. That is extremely frowned upon. Can you put on underwear in an underwear store? Yes. Yeah, I think you can. But you're supposed to be wearing your underwear. Or your mom's underwear, depending on how you arrived at the store.

Oh, so you got to try the underwear on over your underwear? Over your underwear. It's like a bathing suit. Or your mom's. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, no. You don't have to.

It's okay. Thanks for being there. Hey, no problem. Yeah. So you don't have to try out the sex toy at all, huh? What do you mean have to? I feel like you should be allowed to. You get to drive a car.

What are they going to do? Give you a demo? Like one that everyone uses? No. Then you wash it. It's like the socks and shoe department. You really want to see how big this is? All right.

All right. Now you'll notice that the vibration is about 330 megahertz, and that's standard for this line. Give it a test ride. Later, while in an Orland Park Police Department holding cell, Hucko stripped completely naked and subjected police personnel to comments about his political views and derogatory comments about President Obama. After being given a Miranda Rights consent form, Hucko signed his name as, quote, Obama is a criminal on the document.

And Obama is a criminal. Wait, that's my dad? Yeah. Your dad, Obama is a criminal, short? Yeah. Does that count for the consent form for the Miranda if he signs it Obama is a criminal? Where they're like, okay, that'll work?

Well, if I remember the legal U.S. If I remember the U.S. code about this, it's if you sign your name as something on a legal document, that does become your name. So Mr. Is a criminal, Obama, if you will, I think he's in the right here. Oh, okay.

His real name is actually Obama's criminal. It's just one word. Obama's. Yeah. Perfect. And that's what Obama has on his own birth certificate from Kenya. Think about that, everybody. Thank you.

Team Trump. Sorry. Chris, you can't be on Team Trump. 100%. He's not from Kenya. No, I have to defend Obama. 100%. I mean, he technically...

America's in the toilet. He's a giraffe dressed in human skin. Oh, we've all heard that. They bounce him on the belt talking about his skills. He flew over on an animated boat that had a bunch of different talking animals. One of the captains had a hook.

A child came over and killed him. He comes from a land called Hanalei. And don't get me started on how they cook steaks in the White House. Oh my god. Quick quiz. How many fish run Noah's Ark? Ooh, none. That's very good. And that's why we're allowed

to eat them on Fridays. None. Wait. How many fish were on Noah's Ark? But we don't know like If the kids had fish bowls or anything Yeah they probably had to have The freshwater fish on there right

Yeah cause they had salt water It's gonna be salt water Noah's wife You know what I'm saying Oh shit You're talking about That gonna fuck you Noah That sweet Noah's wife pussy

Are you talking about my wife Do something Noah Fucking do something about it. No, I'm getting pooed on this trip. I'd flood this whole place, but I am out of water trips. Did anyone see Noah the movie? Oh, I did see it. I heard it was awesome.

You guys got to check it out. Yeah. And at one point, Noah gets so mad that he goes, like, after the boat, like, land becomes land again. And he gets so angry that he goes and finds a bunch of berries, makes them ferment, and then smashes them up and drinks them and gets hammered and just like starts going through a drunken rampage.

It's really great. They just started rolling cameras on Russell Crowe. Have you guys seen Evan Almighty? No. Another classic. Evan Almighty? I'm hoping one of you guys would say yes. I saw it in the theaters, but... I know there was that one Almighty movie with Jim Carrey.

Bruce. Yeah. Evan won, too? Yeah, yeah. That was Steve Carell. It was a sequel. Based off Noah. Are those the two movies where Steve Carell really stretches and plays a lovable dumb

guy? Yeah, it's one of those two. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Andrew Short's jealous moment of the podcast. I should be famous. You are famous. All right.

All right. And now it's time for a segment from our boys. Reed Fahler and Andrew Short are going to present us with a segment. So the segment for today is about the way you would smuggle three boys inside of your very own lower compartment. Lower compartment inside of a

1986 Honda Civic. Okay. Where is a lower compartment? The lower compartment? The lower compartment... I'm not quite sure what we said. How would you smuggle three boys in a Honda Civic? Because you're going from East to West Germany, and it's 1991, and the wall's already down. Oh.

You just want to smuggle them for old time's sake. If the wall's already down, are there still border checkpoints? No, not at all. It's just you're driving into Bears. So I'm driving across Berlin with three boys in a Honda Civic. How do you smuggle those boys? How do you take those boys?

I mean, we've already established you're in a Civic and that you're smuggling them. So we set a block. So they choose? Well, that's for you to decide. Oh, my God, Ed. Get over it. We have to spell it Oh my God, Ed. Get over it. We have to spell it out for you, Ed. Never!

I hate him! Sorry. How old are the boys? Why would you say sorry to Ben? Because he's a Nazi. I'm a Jewish fellow. Should that be the segment? No, we're doing a brand new segment.

And that one was about cars. And in this world, there are no cars. No cars whatsoever. And the only thing that there are is a this world there are no cars and the only thing that there are is a future where there are zoos with no animals but the type of animals that we call cats for now alright so you're in the cat zoo

and you have to name your five favorite cats what do you name them and while you're naming them what's up that lower compartment? Yep. Let me remind you, there are three boys in it. So you have to name

five cats, five personality attributes, and the three boys names. Alright, I'm going first. First cat, I'm gonna call him Little Mr. Meow Meow. Second cat. What's his personality? I'm going to get to the personalities.

Let me name them first. Second cat, we're going to call him Little Grinner, the boy who understood too well. Three, this cat is named the one who loved

my mother. Four, this cat is going to be named Christopher Nolan. And the fifth cat is going to be named Little Raggedy. Little Raggedy. Their personalities. First one, feisty. Second one, sarcastic. Little Raggedy. Their personalities. First one, feisty. Second one, sarcastic. Third one, political.

Fourth one, angry. Fifth one, conservative, but only financially. Three boys. One is named Tyler. The other, Trevor. And the other one is named Tyler, but his last name is Richardson. And when he was born, his mom said, what a fucking mistake. All right, your turn, Andrew. Are there any grown men named Trevor?

Oh, absolutely. You have to die at 25, right? No, 16. They die when they're 16. And I don't want to correct you, but I just read a New York Times piece. Oh, that makes sense then. It's really funny.

All Trevors, when they grow up, turn into Tims. Oh, okay. that's what happens. Trevor is short for Tim, it's weird. So it's like they're like pupa face. Yeah. And three boys smuggling. How are you going to do it? I'm going to smuggle them in a big fake spool of electrical wire

that you lay across a channel or something. I see what you're saying. No, I know what you mean.. Between England and France or something. And they're like, oh, are there any boys in that electrical wire thing? I'm just kidding. You can take it across. Because they wouldn't even think about the boys inside.

But there are boys inside. And I hate getting political. Here's my five. One, the president. Two, Congress. Three, the Senate. Four, a judge. Five, your local district attorney. Those are the cats? Four, a judge. Five, your local district

attorney. Those are the cats? Those are the cats, by name. Here are their personality types, because I forgot their names. Brian, personality type. Trevor, personality type. Yeah, I went there. Craig, personality type. Marcus,

personality type. Watch out, motherfucker. Five, Bear, personality type. Three. Personality type. Watch out, motherfucker. Five. Bear. Personality type. Three boys. Their names are Felicio, Craigio, and fourth, Santana. It's Carlos Santana. So, when I'm going from east to west, Berlin in 1991 when neither of those cities exist.

I am blasting Smooth by Carlos Santana. I almost said Montana. Guess what? Berenstain Bears, we're bringing it back. In this universe, it's Carlos Montana and the border guards are so confused

that America now owns Mexico. Alright, very good. That must have been cheap. Border guards are so confused that America now owns Mexico. All right. Very good. That must have been cheap. Very good. Exceptionally confused I am, Marcus. All right. Just give it a shot.

It's like you guys should have come up with a segment. Name five cats. I'm going to go with the yowlcrafone. That is a cat that likes to talk on the microphone. with Meowcrafone. That is a cat that likes to talk on the microphone. Then I'm going to go with Paw Daddy.

That is a cat that likes Pete Diddy, doesn't know how to rap, and it's white, but pretends like it's not. Then I'm going to go with Train. Let's see here. Maybe something about... Let's see. Maybe something about Let's see Maybe something about

You just saw train wreck I know I did say train I want to say train Meow But I already used meow I want to say train cat No I can't do that Train cat would have worked

Train cat I like train cat That's a little urban For my taste Well You're not the one Judging Marcus is

Alright Let's go with Doctor Let's go with Doctor Giggle MMow. All right, very good. So that's a cat dentist that kills its patients, Giggle-Mow.

Okay, then let's do, let's say. You got one more, you got one more. I got one more, I think I have two more. Yeah, you got two more. I have one more? Let's say one more, yeah, yeah, yeah. One more, but they're twins, so just keep that in mind. Oh, I see.

All right, so we're going to call them the, ooh, let's see. Ooh, we'll call them the Molson twins. They're cats who love Molson beer. And that's kind of exciting. Personality types? Oh, they're all aggressive. Yeah, they're all just like super aggressive. They hate everything.

They cannot get enough of killing humans. And then the children, I'm going to go with Lydia. I'm going to go with a... No, no, no. They're boys. They're not children. They're boys? Name them whatever you want.

Lydia can be a boy's name in this post-Katherine Jenner world. Oh, my God. Thank you, Andrew. We're not talking about a post-Jenner world. Lydia was born Barry. We're talking about 1991, my God. Thank you, Andrew. We're not talking about a post-dinner world. Lydia was born Barry. We're talking about 1991, my friend. Oh, that's right. My bad.

That is true. Okay. Barry, Thaddeus, and McCordial. But how do they get across? How do they get across? How do you smuggle them? Holy fucking shit. What I do is I upholster them, take out the back seat, I make them the seat, and I cover them with Bibles.

Oh, this seat is so comfortable. Is this a normal seat or is this three boys stoned together? This is a normal seat covered in Bibles, sir. Wow, I just didn't even think that. Wow, so comfortable. That does look like the New Testament. I'll give you a pass. Welcome to America.

Boom. Well, you know. Five cats. New Testament, I'll give you a pass. Welcome to America. Boom. Well, you know. Five cats. Okay, I named the cats Lorelei Rory, Dean, Jess, and Logan. For the personality traits. Just reference the show, Gilmore Girls.

Rory goes between Dean and Jess a lot, and then Logan, and then I relive I live the rest of the show out through the way they act boys names I want to name all three of them Donovan and I'm going to smuggle them by making

two of them wear a long dress one sits on top of the other shoulders wig that's the mom and then Donovan the third Donovan is in the back is the son we're just a happy family that's taking cross-country trip across Germany reasonable yeah yeah I mean it's not I mean not quite as simple as Ben's seat idea just make them a seat being married to two little boys instead of one woman.

Sorry, Sammy. I'm taking Donovan and Donovan. Yeah. Huh. Okay. I know, Sammy. That's a... Yeah.

All right, Edward. You described two boys more perfect than my wife ever will be. Snarfield. Sergeant Muffers Radio Cat I love Radio Cat If I ever get a cat I'm naming that fucking Radio Cat I love that

Big Legs And Tiny Throat that um uh big legs and uh and tiny throat personality by personality by personality types uh we're gonna have to go with uh bashful uh second one's gonna be uh that's snarfield starfield of course like you had to say it. The second one is well-dressed. That's Sergeant Mumford's.

Hammered. Green. Just dumb. Straight up stupid. Love it. Gotta have one. They up stupid. Love it. Gotta have one. They're a lot of fun. Fucking dumb cat. I love dumb cats.

But your three boys? My three boys. Keep in mind, you gotta transport them. Gotta transport them. Okay, so. Under threat of death. Gotta give them transportable names. Yogi, Boo Boo, and Baloo.

How do you get them across? Dress them like bears. That might actually work. And win. Wow. We win. It's the best thing. It's the cats.

Those are the cats that I want to go see at the cat zoo in the world where zoos don't exist except for but cats and small cats only. Small cats only.

All right. Those are the cats I want to see. No big cats, the zoo's motto goes. That's great. All right. Those are the cats I want to see. No big cats, the zoo's motto goes. That's great. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Let's go through people's Twitters and also what's going on with you people in the near future.

All right. My Twitter is at little frisky youngster. It could just be a real Twitter, too. Or it could be the FBI. It's at Reed Fahler. At Reed Fahler. That's my real name. And things coming up, Andrew and I are releasing a couple short films in the next month or so.

One called The Birthday Party. The other called The Dog, The Boy. And, of course, when Reed says him and Andrew will be releasing short films, the films will be an hour and 20 minutes. They're just short. Kind of a funny short joke there, Andrew. I got it, yeah. Closed it all out there because I'm taller. I'm 6'7".

And we're short. It's funny, that could have gone unsaid on radio. But I mean... Kind of a funny joke though,. We're releasing short films. Kind of like 120 Minutes, you know, which is a full length. From now on, we'll say midget films so people don't make that kind of association. Interesting. It's a good idea.

Andrew, you're on Twitter. My Twitter. Tell us about it first. At underscore Andrew Short. Tons of cynical stuff I tweet while I'm drunk. So if you're not happy with where you are in your life, we're going to be friends. What I have to plug,

Reid and I are in this band called The Undone Sweaters. It's the last punk band in New York City. Also the second best Weezer cover band in Brooklyn. Yep. And I heard you guys have a short film coming out? Yeah, well, season two of The Undone Sweaters is about to come out and then we are doing a tour

of Ohio. September 10th through 13th. A nationwide tour of Ohio. We're going to be in Cincinnati. We're going to kind of reflect about where everyone was in English class, like everyone in our generation who has a story about 9-11.

I think Weezer was on 9-11. Rocking the hardest because it's punk. We're going to be in Cincinnati. Fuck you. I was in physical anthropology. I was in lunch when I found out. Yeah, that was taking that five-step test the Indiana State. My roommate was screaming, get the fuck up!

Get the fuck up right now, man! Crazy shit! Go to war! Bankers are dying! We should be sad! And so, we are going to be in Cincinnati, Ohio, Motor Pub, Akron, Ohio, Undecided, Cleveland, a place I forgot, and then we'll be recording an album

in Cleveland with the Undone Sweaters. It's me, Reed Thaler, Jim Tooze, and Pete and Pete's Danny Tamberelli. You should come out. Ooh, I love Danny Tamberelli. Eddie and I have a fat film coming out very, very soon. It'll be exciting. It's going to take place at Tad's Steakhouse.

We both are forced to work there the rest of our lives. It's a reality show. I would do it. I would love it. You can follow me on Twitter. I'm at Ben Kissel. I'm also on Red Eye on, what, Wednesday morning. Wednesday morning, but Tuesday night. At 3 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah. Yeah. Congrats. So that's kind of exciting. Chris? I'm at Mr. Chris Donahue. I have a show coming up September 8th at Over the 8th called Chris and Dean Take Over the Big Screen.

We're filming a short that we made. It's only 10 minutes. Now, when you say short. 10 minutes in length. Perfect. Yeah, and. Fuck you, Ben. No, Andrew. All right. 10 minutes in length perfect yeah and fuck you Ben no Andrew now I'm Ed Larson

you guys know me at at atunes underscore and what do I got oh Rubitalia end of the yeah Ben Kissel hosting

with Sina John Sina from the brighter side yeah Murderfist and Rubitalia next Saturday night at the Old Pit 29th Street between 6 and 7 at 10.30pm and then we're going to party afterwards. Set by Murderfist, a set

by Rubitalia, then a set together. Now, is this at the Old Pit or are you referring to the current pit in like a favorable way? No, it's at the Old Pit. No, it's at the Old Pit. Yeah, it's called the Treehouse now. Oh, they called it the Treehouse? Pit. It's called the Treehouse now. Oh, they called it the Treehouse? Yeah, they called it the Treehouse.

Why don't I call it that? Because I don't recognize it. I call it the Old Pit. I agree, the Old Pit. It's on 29th Street between 8th and 7th Avenues. Whatever, we all met there. I mean, I was always lost. I was always off on the Avenue, but that's fine.

And find Marcus Parks on Twitter, and I'll tell you this, Countman CD is selling through the roof it is and Reed Fahler did the artwork so he's a wonderful artist and he also designed our t-shirts which will be going on sale this week they're handsome

and I almost forgot weather on the 9th in Anchorage Alaska it's 59 degrees right now with light rain showers. Precipitation is at 1%. It's going to be down to 54 degrees tonight, so be sure to put on a light jacket before you leave the house. Or at least a bear suit. Put on a bear suit.

And make sure to come to Reed's wedding. September 22nd. If you're invited. Oh, right. To the... No, you're all invited. Yeah. Oh, right. To the... No, you're all invited. Everyone gets a last minute plus one. Invite the 6,000 psychopaths.

If it's like a week before Reed's wedding and you're like, I'm dying to go, I probably have a plus one. It's like an open plus one. You know what? I'm going to break up with my girlfriend. Sammy told me I just got to call and be like, get more pizza. Now, can Chris come if I stuff him in my pants? Well, it depends on how stuffed into your pants he is.

Super stuffed. Are we talking like anus? Are we talking tucked under waistband? We're wearing pants together. Now, can you defecate normally or do you have a colostomy bag? Oh, I mean, whatever the rules are, just let me know. Don't invite Eddie to the wedding, Reed. It's going to get mad.

We have one colostomy bag and one bag of wine that's just going into both of our assholes. I have two colostomy bags, but I'm going to use them as shoes. Well, don't bother labeling them. Bring them both. We'll serve them to my family. They're both blood red. Can you fill it like a Franzia, make that a colostomy bag, and then squeeze it inside of you? Yeah, you can.

Yeah, it's going to flush you out there, but also get drunk. You can do a lot of things. Yeah. Huh. to be a bag and then squeeze it inside of you? Yeah, you can. It's going to flush you out there. You can do a lot of things. I think that was one of the miracles at Cana. It doesn't matter. Yeah, we're done. Let's end this, please. I've got to pee pee. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.