The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 256: Kurt Rambis

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

Today on Round Table: an animal rights activist gets beaten with a duck in Spain, an Australian man gets stuck in a washing machine, and a Dutch woman announces her intention to marry her dog after her cat dies, who she was previously married to. Joining us today: Jim Tews and Meatball!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Hey! Good to go? Oh yeah, man, we're walking on broken glass.

All right. Love Annie Lennox. You hear about her child? We won't get into that. Not yet. What happened to her child? Well, they were on a boat and they got lost and then all of a sudden the daughter of Annie Lennox, her boyfriend, just died mysteriously out on this boat.

Walking on broken glass. Walking on broken glass. Can that count as a prayer? Walking on a glass bottom boat. Broken glass. Good point, Ed Larson. All right, who's praying? You can smoke weed out of it.

God damn it, I can't wait to get high again. All right, Holden's definitely... It's been minutes. How stoned are you right now, Eddie? Three. Yeah. Three. I give it a three. Alright. He's sober. Ed is sober for Ed. Alright. Who's praying, Marcus? Jackie.

Oh. No. Say it ain't so. It is so. Maybe that was the prayer then, the thing about Annie Lennox. No, no. You can pray for Annie Lennox if you want to. All right, I know. Dear Puerto Rican gods, is it the same gods as me? I have absolutely no idea.

Lupe, is that the same god? Puerto Ricans? Lupe said what now? Puerto Ricans, Lupe? I don't know anything about Puerto Ricans. All right, well, I imagine. Lupe's not Puerto Rican. Yeah, but the people.

Well, he's not Puerto Rican. Yeah, but the people. He's not one of them. I want to pray and ask to be given the title of Lil Miss Rican because I have become a Domino's champion and I just wanted to say thank you to all the fucking Puerto Rican gods that are up there

and the Dominican gods. I'm not going to forget about them. Just them, though. Yeah, man. Hard stuff. I can be either Lil Miss Rican or Lil Miss Domingo. Is that Santo Domingo? Republica Dominicana.

No, that's a different one. And I just wanted to say thank you for giving me this fucking gift of tile grabbing and slabbing and swinging and fucking getting those points. And rapping. That was some rapping. Thank you. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. What an exciting

show it's been so far. So Jackie's here. Lil' Miss Reekin. Please. Come on. Lil' Miss Reekin is here and she's a wonderful person and I love all your gods. Thank you. Alright. Lil' Miss Re your gods. Thank you. All right. Lil' Miz-rekin.

There's a Z on it. Not Mrs. Lil' Miz-rekin. Lil' Miz-rekin. Okay. It's like dog meat. Dog meat? Dog meat.

Speaking of dog meat, I'm here at Larson. I ate some today and it was bad. Eddie, how are you? I haven't talked to you in weeks. How are you doing? I was here last week with you. But I'm good't talked to you in weeks. How are you doing? I was here last week with you. I'm good. Very good.

Very good. How are you doing? I'm alright, man. Hanging loose. You know? Fucking dealing some deals. Fucking peeling some peels. Wow, we are Riz Appin. Dealing some deals. Peeling some peels. No idea what that means.

Rippy Rap Rap. holding Nader's ho! Greedy Pete 69000 asked me to call him a fucking retard on the show, so there you go. He's a PlayStation friend of mine. So you hear that, Pete? You're a retard. It's either Greedy Pete 69000

or Greedy Steve 69000. I can't remember greedy Pete's a better name all Pete's all Steve's retards for the day there you go guys

a playstation friend of yours a playstation buddy they're coming in in droves is he 12 years old tag on the show how does the controller

not squirt out of your hand because of all the fucking goo on your oh my god yeah well I keep it dry. I mean, I keep it by the fan. I got a couple, yeah,

I got a couple controllers now, so anybody wants to come over and fucking, you know, rip it open. I'm gonna get Tony Hawk 5 when that shit comes out. You're 33? You're 33 years old, is that right? I'm gonna say this as a 33 year old man, I went to Denver, going to say this as a 33-year-old man.

I went to Denver, Colorado last week, which is why I wasn't here. And I actually purchased legal marijuana from a marijuana store. I walked in and they said, here's a bunch of weed. Yeah, all of it. They put it in. They logged me on some list or something. And then I bought a bunch of weed. How cool is that?

It was the best, greatest moment of my life. I got wax. We got different nugs. I got this one called Buddha Skunk. I bought lotion for my mom when I took it back. She got fucking stoned in the hands. That explains why it felt so good.

Her elbows were so high. Jim Tooze is here. Before I'm sorry. Jim Tooze is here before I'm sorry. Jim, you're here. I'm here. All right, Jim Tooze. Check him out. You'll love him. Google him.

You know him. He will. All right, Kevin, you're here. Oh, yeah, I'm here, man. I'm here. I'm back. Yeah. How's it going?

Welcome back, man. Yeah, dude. Kevin, you- He's got the softest shirt I've ever felt in my life. It's see-through. It is see-through. It feels sexy. I feel like, is it almost like a tiny mesh? It's got the softest shirt I've ever felt in my life. It's see-through. It is see-through. It feels sexy.

I feel like, is it almost like a tiny mesh? It's made out of the cum from the downy bear. That's not bad. Good fabric. Kevin, you were in Los Angeles for what, four months? I was there for like a month, and i was in florida then i was all over the place man isn't that exciting it was and how is the true tv show going friends of the people we were on last week man i know i wasn't on you were you well i was there i was huge in the

background yeah oh which i thought you yelled some shit oh it's impactful yeah you were like yeah and then you walked away the camera cannot cannot see you. Yeah, yeah. Multiple cameras are filming you right now. There's not even one in this room. Isn't that exciting? That's so fucking huge. I love it. But, Kevin, your life is going well. I feel like I haven't seen you in months either.

I know, yeah, I've been gone, man. It's all right, you know, fucking doing that shit, man. Just walking around in the sun. Very vague. Are you going to get a haircut soon? Why? I was just telling him I like you. I love the hair. Just walking around in the sun. Very vague. Are you going to get a haircut soon? Why? I was just telling him I like your fucking hair.

I tell him I like your hair. You think now because you're a little Miss Reek and you can talk to me about my hair and shit? I was given the gift by the Puerto Rican gods.

I know these things now. Because you played dominoes one time? No, I've been playing it for a week straight. Dominoes is a staple in a lot of different cultures. Jamaicans play dominoes.

Mexicans do. A lot of different people do. You just look like you came out of Next Friday. Well, I don't even know how I'm supposed to take that. Is that the sequel? The sequel to Friday? Yeah. What makes it?

Why wouldn't he be from Friday? No, no, no. Because you look like your haircut wasn't good enough for the first one. It has to be in the second one. I'm sorry, your hair looks great. It looks good. It's a wonderful head of hair. We were talking about Kevin possibly getting a flat top, but apparently it's not allowed.

Oh, yeah, I was telling Ed, because I got this haircut in L.A., and I was like, yeah, I'm trying to get a high top, man, give me a flat top. And the chick that was cutting my hair was like, well, you know it's not going to be flat, because you got a fucked up shaped head. I'm like, yeah, I'm trying to get a high top. I'm going to get me a flat top. And the chick that was cutting my hair was like, well, you know it's not going to be flat because you got a fucked up shaped head. I'm like, I know. You motherfucker, why you got to tell me that shit? I know. I'm very aware of the situation.

You can't plant a garden on a snow globe. Beautiful, though. Beautiful hair. Like I said, Jim Tews is here in Meatball. Meatball. Thanks so much for being here, Meatball. Thank you for having me. Eddie, I'm happy to have you.

I feel like I'm reconnecting with a lot of people here. Maybe it's because you have that jacket on. It's 100 degrees. And you're sweating to death. I'm sorry I dressed up for the show. I'm wearing a Joseph A. Bank blazer because I want to feel like let's get this thing going. It's so hot in here.

Let's make America great again. I feel like you're trying to sell me something. What do you want? Take the blazer off. You can find Jim Tooze on YouTube. You can find Jim Tooze on Google. And you can find him. What kind of email accounts do you have? Gmail? Oh, maybe. Okay. You can get him on Gmail if you can find him. What kind of email accounts do you have? Gmail? Oh, maybe.

You can get him on Gmail if you can put in the proper thing. Either J2s at Gmail or Jim.2s. A lot of different combinations you can try. And of course, Jackie is also here. Jackie Cruz, Kevin Barnett's girlfriend. Jackie, come to the mic. What's the number one thing that you hate about Kevin? Come on up, Jackie.

Other than the hair. He needs to shave. Oh, he needs to shave. Yeah, you do have a puddle on the top bottom of your fucking neck. Listen, I'm just trying to find myself, man.

Your beard doesn't grow in right. It doesn't, yeah. It's all patchy. That's what happens to Holden. That's why he doesn't cover up that fucking horrible thing. They call it manscaping. I thought that was a dick thing.

Yeah, that's a dick thing, not a face thing. I got a big bush, and I don't want to go near it with scissors or any of that kind of stuff. Maybe it's JimT at gmail.com. Either way, it's one of those. It's definitely one. When he said maybe, we know it's Gmail.

There's no doubt about that. Okay, Marcus, let's do a news story then. An Australian man has been rescued by fire crews after becoming stuck in a washing machine. Bankstown Fire and Rescue were called out to the home in Lekimba on July 26 to find the man had been trapped in the front loader for at least three hours. His legs were stuck inside the of 25 hours. His legs His legs were stuck

inside the machine up to his waist. The man 22 is mildly autistic and had got himself stuck in the machine before.

Oh. I think It's adorable. Is it? Why not? Out of all the things He broke the washing machine that's so expensive.

If you look over here you can see him stuck in it. I can't even tell what that is. Wait, is he fat? So it's just his legs. No, he just likes to be in it. It's just his legs. He got inside the washing machine.

Is it a sex thing? I think he just likes to stand in the washing machine. You want warmth. Yeah, but get a box. Get inside of a box. Yeah, but a box ain't going to wash you. You can't rationalize with him. He's autistic. Aut want warmth. Yeah, but like get a box. Get inside of a box. Yeah, but a box ain't gonna wash you. You can't rationalize with it. It was autistic. Autistic children

are often the most smart. He's like a Steve or a Pete in there. Like who? A Steve or a Pete. Ooh, a greedy Pete. Retarded for the day. Yeah, fucking retard. Anybody who wants me to call him a fucking retard on the show, just hit me up, man. Let me know. So you're lonely Holden

Actually honestly I get no alone time now Because my lady cannot leave the house So she is forced to be around me all the time Why can't she leave the house Her surgery fucking shoulder man Kept her out for a good solid six weeks So there's no more oh I have to go back to the bread store In order to get away from me

There's no whoops I forgot I had three hours of class. Or some nonsense excuse to leave the apartment while I'm there. She's always there all the time. She cannot escape. You should start, what is it, hobbling her. What was that from Misery? I love Kathy Bates. Smash her ankles with a sledgehammer.

I was the only one. I thought that was a sledgehammer. Oh, my God. I was the only one. I thought that was a porno the first time I saw it. Misery is one of the best movies ever. I wish I knew how to write, and then I could be in her bed. It's coming to Broadway. Really? Someone cools in it. Look it up, Marcus.

I really want to see it. It's not a musical, is it? Is it a musical? Either way. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis. And Laurie Metcalf. Oh, yeah Bruce Willis. And Laurie Metcalf. Oh, yeah, that's

amazing. Laurie Metcalf, that's right. She's going to be perfect. From Roseanne. Jim Tooze, Jim T, at Google, whatever. Washer machine? Dishwasher machine? Dryer? What do you want to be stuck in? And can that count as the segment?

No. Absolutely not. You are on the hook, mister. You got three, Jim. Washing machine. Washing machine. The one that stands upright. That's right. So I can just hang out.

Yeah, but the washing machine won't go if the door is open. Right? Is that too practical for this conversation? It depends on the machine, though. I feel like most won't, but there's some shitty ones. Some old ones. This is Australia. Mine used to, back home, it used to go, even if I had the door open,

which is fun because you can swish it around with your hands. You can push the little button down that the door triggers, and then you can just watch it and have a whole little show to yourself. That's being the system right there. It's like an autistic, like, theatrical event. Gym twos, umbrella, xylophone, or canoe? Canoe. Okay.

Yeah, very good question, Holden. Very good. Wow. So, why? In a decade, you'll be hosting this show. Hell yeah. You'll be my co-host, Lupe Rodriguez. All right, Lupe's here.

Batting eighth for the Chicago Bulls. Well, no batting. Well, I guess maybe. Yeah, but Michael Jordan bats. It's kind of a different sport there. Marcus, you had a thought. Why? Why was he in the washing machine?

Meatball, why do you think he was in the washing machine? I actually have a thought here. I think that the world is spinning otherwise, and then he got in the washing machine to make everything straight again. Well, that's a dumb idea. Autism. That is an autism. Were you autistic earlier?

Today. But you snapped out of it. Between 11 and 12, I think I had a... Man, if I could be autistic for an hour a day, I would love it. And I wouldn't.

You would have like a weird, irrational interest in bugs. I would eat ice cream and go to sleep. What? Don't you do that now, Ed? No, they scream.

I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what autism is. They scream. There's a lot of screaming. Yeah, he thinks it's your hands that were made of ice cream. That's what he thinks. He thinks it means you just enjoy simple things.

There's literally organizations trying to end it. Simple things. Do you want to throw rocks for a while? No, no, simple things terrify and confuse you. That's the thing. It's wonderful. We had Jake Young on the Live Last podcast on the Left show last

night and he said he introduced his sister who is 22 years old to the round table of gentlemen and she listened to half an episode and said we were awful. She said those are terrible men. It's all a lark. It's a goof. Little Miss Reekins.

She met you two. Okay, cool. What episode? Oh, just's a goof. But, Little Miss Reekins. She met you two. Oh, okay, cool. What episode? Oh, just any of them. Yeah, she just said, just any of them. She just chose one and said we were all awful people.

Maybe she chose poorly. Maybe it was that one where we were being really mean to everybody. Yeah, there's that one. We're not like that Jake Young's 22-year-old sister. That's the thing. Man, is she tight?

Well, I mean, I would assume. I'm not going to lie. I don't know. Why would you assume? I don't know. She's a young. She's a virgin. I don't know. I mean, she's Jake Young's sister. I can't imagine. I think we can all assume that Jake Young's sister's done some questionable

things in her past. Oh, man. Horrible things. You can't be talking about man's sister. Man's not here to defend his sister. Can't do it. Can't do it. Jackie, what would you say about her? Henry, though, is a fucking pedophile.

Oh, my God. Holy Lord. Stu. Yeah. Stu from NBC. Stu. Stu. Oh, I wear my vest and I rape.

I rape the children. Stu. I can't believe he still does it. You know, you think he'd cut it out once you get some success. It's like, where is the foresight? It's almost like he doesn't care. Meatball. I listened to a couple episodes just to get prepped, right, to get into the zone.

And I realized, the one from two weeks ago, it was a lot about raping dogs. And then I realized almost every episode I've ever listened to is all about having sex with dogs, like every single one. Animals in general, and I have a story that relates directly to that. Segway!

Come on in, Marcus! Newsman! Why am I even here? What happened? Police are investigating after a horse was stabbed and sexually assaulted in Aberdeenshire, England. Why stab him? Insult to injury. Good point, Jim. Was it a racehorse or was it like a street horse?

It was a street horse. The incident happened near Two Pits ligo overnight between Sunday and Monday. Blaze, a 23-year-old female pony, had to be put down following the incident. Why? In a Facebook post, the horse's owner, Zoe Wright, said Blaze had been stabbed twice in the chest and, quote, sexually violated. She has offered a 1,000 pound reward for anyone who provides information which leads to an arrest.

Wait, was she fucked in the stab wounds or in the ass? The pussy, probably. Is it female? Make it better? I feel like it's worse to get fucked in the stab wounds. Yeah. Was the horse wearing a short skirt?

How was the dress? Did it have lipstick on? Lord knows. Lipstick. What was Was the horse wearing a short skirt? How was it dressed? Yeah, did it have lipstick on? Yeah. Lord knows. Lipstick. What was it doing out so late at night? It's a pony, Ed. It's a cute horse, though.

What do you think, Kev? You think this horse needs to be put down because it's a victim of sexual assault? I don't know, man. This is a street horse. We already know about those ones. Wonderful horses. You need them. We already know about those ones. Wonderful horses. You need them. You need them.

They provide a service. Is this a situation of trying to get rid of what happened to the horse? It's very similar to when, in the Middle East, for example, and many places in the South, your daughter is raped, or your son has had his butthole intruded on by another man. They kick him out of the house. They don't want

anything to do with him. The horse is fine. They could have lived but I think they didn't want to look at the horse because of the shame. You think the owners stabbed him in the chest?

I think that the horse could have lived but they had to get rid of him because they didn't want to have a victim in the house. I feel like a horse can take a couple stabs

to the chest and be fine. Depends on the length of the knife. Yeah, that's the thing. We don't know what he a victim in the house. I feel like a horse can take a couple stabs to the chest and be fine. Depends on the length of the knife. Yeah, that's the thing. We don't know what he was stabbed with, man. Plus, you got a stabbed up horse, you got to get a new horse. Well, you can't ride it every day. But why don't you hug it? I always say hug a stabbed horse.

I love hugging stabbed horses. I had a situation like what you were just talking about in my family by a nazi my one of my on my catholic side uh one of them went to a concentration camp and she got raped in a concentration camp and had the kid and then my whole family like turned on her because of you know she had a nazi she had a nazi kid she had like you know like a half nazi kid so the whole family like fucking turned on her except for a couple people. Well she was spoiled goods. Yeah yeah yeah. I mean it happens all the time

and it's very very interesting you know we had a Miss America recently who is the product of a sexual assault situation Really? Yes and the mother didn't abort and she won Miss America I don't think she's talking to her father very much Well the controversy around Miss America these days.

A lot of controversy. It's swirling around. But yes, that's the situation. So now they disowned her because she had a half-Jewish and half-Nazi child. Wow, yeah. Isn't that something? It was so weird.

Not Jewish. It was the Catholic side, surprisingly enough. Catholic? The Nazis were killing Catholics too? Well, the ones that would hide Jews. Interesting. If they were against people hoarding Snickers bars, I'd be killed, too.

Why don't you just call your Oma? I love food. Ask your grandma how they used to do it. My Oma? It's very interesting. We're going to get into that. My Oma was a victim Of her circumstance

And I will not All she knew was love Yeah All she knew was love A circumstance That circumstance Would that be married To the rich Nazi

Oh hello Bucktooth Texan Let me tell you a tale No My grandfather Before he was 30 He was a millionaire. They lost the war. He lost everything. Real

victim. Is that why you have a Joseph A. Bank blazer on right now? I'm wearing a Joseph A. Bank blazer because I wanted to make America great again. It is fucking 100 degrees in here. Well, the temperature doesn't know me. I don't even care. And my grandmother

loved everybody. And you should hear how she talks about the Jewish people, how they were great. And then with the books. Yeah, the books. The books with all the handwritten notes in them. By your grandfather. Oh, I'm sorry. It was before the Twitter era.

Yeah. You used to have to write. You're scary now. Make America great again. God damn it, meatball. I got to tell you, I actually like the blazer. And sometimes... It's not about the blazer.

It's about making America great again. That Nazi rapist. I'm the victim. You're not going to make America great again because you're wearing an okay blazer and dirty jeans. All these jeans aren't dirty, they're filthy. That works.

I get it. You got to make sacrifices and sometimes you got to sit in a sweaty room with a blazer on. I get it. Meatball is the man of reason. He's a great guy. He does look pretty breathable. Meatball, who is your father's best man at his wedding? I can't even.

I can't. I really can't. Who was it, Meatball? I really can't. Who was it, Meatball? I really can't. Meatball, your father's best man at his wedding. Now we got it.

Let's just say he's... Lyndon Johnson. Yes. That was him. It was Lyndon Johnson. It was Lyndon Johnson. It was Lyndon Johnson. Lyndon Baines Johnson? Pre-Kennedy, pre-all that, yeah.

Before Lyndon Johnson killed Kennedy. If we bleep it, we can bleep it, right, Marcus? Well, we are live streaming right now. Yeah, do it. Meeple, say it. I really can't. He can't say it. He's in the news a lot.

Howie Mandel? We'll tell you after the cast. Jared Fogle. Is it Bill Cosby? Yeah, it's the subway fucker. Bill Cosby is actually my father. Is it Donald Trump? Is it Team Trump's father?

Chocolate cheese. It's not Team Trump. We'll talk about it after. Bernie Sanders. Feel the burn. It's because he's got this blazer on. He is just grilling you right now. He's blazing through this interview. He's because he's got this blazer on. He is just grilling you. Blazing through this interview.

Somebody actually found a picture of Ben wearing the blazer and posted it on the chat. And the t-shirt underneath it. It's the same outfit. Check it out. Good God. That was today at brunch.

Look at you trying to look hot. I'm hot. I'm too hot. Those are people from the Fox News. You fuck yourself. No, Eddie, leave me alone. I'm getting demonized. Now I'm getting demonized.

Team Trump, I mean, what did I do wrong? No, that is a great picture from earlier today. I was drinking Hurricanes at the Seafood Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I'm sick and tired of being demonized. Damaged goods. What are you talking about? They get rid of them if they're damaged. Yeah, damaged goods.

It's like the Kaiser Soze effect, right? He showed men of will what will really was. Spoiler alert, it's fucking Kevin Spacey, you idiot. It's him the whole time, so now if you haven't seen it, you watch it, you'll fucking, it'd be so bad.

Are you talking about K-Pax right now? Kevin Spacey's guys are so old, so you'll fucking watch it now, it doesn't even matter. Movie sucks knowing that.

Oh, right. Why do you do this? It fucking sucks if you know that. It's only cool if you don't knowing that. All right. Why do you do this? It fucking sucks if you know that. It's only cool if you don't know that. Jackie, what movie do you want to ruin? Is there a movie? I watched the movie Baby Boom. I love Baby Boom.

That movie's garbage. It's a great movie. I just watched Baby Boom. Diane Keaton. It's complete shit. Not Kurt Rambis. What's his name? Kurt Russell?

Rambis? Not Kurt Rambis. Harold. Harold Rambis Not Kurt Rambis. What's his name? Kurt Russell? Russell? Rambis? Not Kurt Rambis. Harold. Harold Rambis. Harold Rambis. Kurt Rambis? Wait, baby boomer. Kurt Rambis?

Is that what you said? I need to be left alone. Team Trump. Leave you alone, man. You are just batting a thousand over here. All right. Jim Tooze, what do you think of Baby Boom? Oh, Jesus.

What do you think the plot of the next Mission Impossible movie is going to be? Similar to Baby Boom? Wait, wait, wait. Jim Tooze, Jim Tooze, wait. I want you to ruin a movie. That's an impossible mission. I think that Jim Tooze's email should be Jews69 at gmail.com. Is that what it is?

Don't give it away. Yeah, Jews. 420. Shelby what it is? Don't give it away. Yeah, Jews. 420. Shelby dies in the end. Everybody knows it. By the way, the butler was Mr. Body.

Just, yes, true. Thank you, Meatball. The butler was Mr. Body. Butler's Mr. Body in the Clue movie,

correct? Yep. That is correct, right. What do you know? Flames, flames on the side of my face.

Love the Clue movie. In Platoon, it was the Vietmanese that did it. The Vietmanese. You're too dumb to me. Six-year-old dad, everybody. Mommy, mommy, did the Vietmanese murder everybody on the island? Can we just, can I just do, I feel like it would be fun if we all ruined a movie. That's mean.

Kevin? Well, you gotta pick a good one. I'm thinking the movie It. I've never seen it. No. No, it's bad in the end. That's the spoiler alert. It's dumb as originally in the book.

Watch the first tape. Spoiler alert. And in the book, a woman has sex with a bunch of kids. Oh, really? Let's talk about Game of Thrones. All right. No. See what you did? You're ruining this podcast. A woman has sex with a bunch of kids. Oh, really? Let's talk about Game of Thrones. All right. See what you did?

You're ruining this podcast. I'm not ruining it. I'm making America great again. Dude, just take off the blazer, man. It's Joseph, baby! I'm not making sex anymore. All right. When did you get that?

I got it a couple of months ago for my brother's wedding. Why is it tan? Because that was the theme of the wedding. Tan? Well, they wanted me to look good. Desert wedding. Get a navy. Maybe a pinstripe.

Never a tan. Jim Tews, what year do you got to get married by? None. Come on. 34? June 69. Yeah, 2034. Jim, you're in love.

Sure, yeah. And you have a girlfriend. I do. She's wonderful. When are you going to ask her to marry you? Probably later today. You think so? No, not today.

How would you do it? What's the perfect proposal? Seeing as though this would be my second one. You've proposed before? Yeah. Tell us the story! No, I was engaged. You were engaged?

What happened? Can we talk about this? Sure. You did? Yeah. But you also called it on. I called it on and then called it off. Was she a bitch?

How close was it to the wedding? About a year out. Oh, that's fine. Were you all like, psych? I mean, we're not good, but I'm good. Did you take the ring back? No, I was like, no. You let him keep it. That's a good man.

Not all the men. Not all the men. If the ring's in the family, you got to give it back. Kevin, you're taking the ring back? Oh, I'm taking the ring back, man. That's not a good man, Jackie. It's not a good man. He's taking the family, you gotta give it back. Kevin, you're taking the ring back? Oh, I'm taking the ring back, man. That's not a good man, Jackie. It's not a good man. He's taking the ring back.

Why'd you break it off? I don't want to marry him. Is that what she just said? I was into it, and then time went on. Some shit changed, and I was like... How long were you with her before you asked her to marry her? What's that? How long were you with her before you asked her to marry her?

Like six years, seven years? And let's go with what changed. What changed? I don't know. I think it was just, it was like. Did like a sailor beat her up and her face was all mangled after that? No, he's the sailor. Remember?

He's in the Coast Guard. Yeah. He's a literal sailor. Interesting story, Mr. Toons. When did you beat on her and how did you beat on her? There was nothing like that. I'll take control of this, Holden. Whoa, Joss A. Bank.

It's Joseph A. Bank. It's Joss A. Bank. I know it. Joss Bank. You broke her fucking heart, Jim Toos. I did. You destroyed her. And how did that make you feel when you destroyed this woman,

Jim? Oh, terrible. Oh, no, man. What did her father say to you? He was dead. Thank God. He didn't say anything. So you proposed and then broke up with a woman whose father is dead. Yeah, I did.

Did a sailor kill him, too? Interesting story, Jim. A lot of things don't fucking add up. All right. How was the man murdered? He wasn't murdered. By a pair of don't fucking add up. How was the man murdered? He wasn't murdered. By a pair of black framed glasses? No. Shoved into his nose?

Into his brain? Nothing like that. Did you do it because her father was dead? No. Did you ever love her? Did you at one point love her or was it all a charade? I've always imagined with every woman's heart that you break your life grows longer and you get stronger.

Are you like some devious vampire that feeds off of women's broken hearts? I added another ten years of fun to my life is what happened. That's nice. It is nice, Jim. I support you. I thought you were talking.

What happened was she wasn't into me doing comedy as much as I wanted to do comedy. So I'm doing a week in Philly with Tom Wilson, Biff from Back to the Future. Also a great guy. Yeah, super good guy. And I'm in the green room. I'm like, we're having trouble. I'm going back and forth with her.

And every time in the green room, he can see that I'm totally preoccupied. And so by the third day he asked me what the deal is and I'm like long story short, I have a girlfriend who's not as into my career as I'd like her to be. She's my fiance now and he's like, oh you can't get married. And I was like, well okay. Biff from Back to the Future told me to call him.

And now of course he's got a great new reality show called Take It from Biff. And it's nailing. Is he just offering advice to everybody? Why wouldn't he? Thank God you listened to Biff. I know.

It was very surreal. That's great. Well, good for you. I mean, there was a lot more signs. He was just the one that was like, you know. But the sex was fun. Sure. With Biff?

Yeah. Are you going to propose to your girlfriend? Maybe. One time, the mom from Back to the Future told me to kill myself. But I said, nope, I'm staying alive, you fucking bitch. Good point. I hated that bitch, man. You made a mistake, Holden.

I'll cut her, man. Cut anybody who fucking comes at me, man. I'm fucking stone cold. I love it. Wired to the gill. Yeah. Interesting insight into a whole series of different relationships. That's what we do here.

Isn't that kind of fun there? And then you, okay. So, Marcus. Oh, my God. It's just he's so warm, probably. That's why I can't think about when he needs to be thinking about. It's Joseph A. Bank. So, if you go to Madison Avenue

and 49th Street... I thought you were going to say Wisconsin. No. Madison Avenue and 49th Street is where I bought the jacket, Joseph A. Bank. And it was there with Chris and now his husband, Don.

And they said, oh, you're too big to fit. But then they found me a jacket and this is the one I'm wearing. So you bought... It's tan because it was the only one that was there

yes and that's okay Ed and that's okay you could have a barbecue under that thing he's smoking meat in the sleeves yeah

man I fucking wish then I would love the blazer. I would want the blazer on every second of the day. I'm fucking hungry again. What am I going to do? Meatball? It happens to you every two hours. It's okay.

Meatball your thoughts. No, I'm hungry. I feel like I'm smoking meat in my sleeves right now, too. It is fucking hot in here. Wow. I give you a lot of credit for sticking it out. Wearing my Joseph A. Bank blazer. I feel like it's past the point of no return.

Now it's just a pride thing. You can't give in. We are halfway through this. It's definitely a pride thing because it certainly hasn't helped. Not even a little bit. Interesting the way you said that, Kevin. I feel like it's at the point now where it's just all down in your ass. You're just sitting on it now, all the sweat.

It's just all run down and it's just there. I don't sweat, meatball. You're sweating. Southern lawyer status pretty soon. You're given a deposition. Pre-air condition. What an exciting episode it's been. What turns into a butterfly was once a caterpillar.

Marcus, what's the caterpillar news? What turns into a butterfly was once a caterpillar. Marcus, what's the caterpillar news? Can I do that? Can I do it? What was once a caterpillar and turns into a caterpillar? What's the caterpillar? Butterfly.

What's the caterpillar news? An animal rights activist was beaten with a duck by a Spanish woman defending one of the country's many bizarre and controversial festival traditions. The man was whacked with the bird while he filmed the annual duck chase in the Catalonian seaside town of Rosé, where every August, ducks are thrown into the Mediterranean and then caught and brought back to the shore by swimmers. Is this a fun day? Is it a fun day for the ducks?

No. They don't like salt water, it a fun day for the ducks? No. They don't like salt water, do they? Oh, I don't know. I've never seen a duck in the ocean. What the fuck is this? Ducks are not ocean animals, no. Someone save me! And then a guy swims up and catches it. You ever seen that crazy ass seabird?

It's fucking huge. It's like half duck, half seagull, half hawk. It's a scary ass animal. I duck, half seagull Half like hawk It's a scary ass animal I don't even know what it's called I saw one in real life, it was like 20 pounds I was fucking frightened No, it's not a pelican

It sounds like a pelican It might be a pelican This thing was huge, man I was fucking scared to death Bird luger? I don't know from this description, man. I was fucking scared to death. Bird luger? I'm trying to, I mean, I don't know from this description, man. It's huge.

It's got like a giant hawk's body. No, that's fresh water. A griffin? A long, flat bill with like little teeth in it and shit. Platypus. I know what you're talking about. I can picture it, but I can't name it.

What is it? It's scary as fuck. It's the girl you left at the altar. I think I just saw one on there, Marcus. Pull it down. Pull it down. She had a short bill. Pull it down.

Up the left. Up left. That one. The albatross. Oh, albatross. Yeah, albatross. Dude, the albatross is my fucking... Your description was horrible, man.

That thing's fucking scary, though. The albatross was my calling card for a while, man. I used to draw that shit everywhere I went. Can I see it? Can I see it? Best thing about the albatross, guys. It's forbidden, man. That thing's fucking scary, though. The albatross was my calling card for a while, man. I used to draw that shit everywhere I went. Can I see it? Best thing about the albatross, guys. It's forbidden, apparently. Well, I... I want to know Kevin's perspective on this creature.

Oh, they got that fly-ass wingspan making all them bitches wet. Dude, they're fucking scary as shit. That's not scary, man. That's not scary. It's got that hook, man. Show them a different... Look at that. You tell me that ain't scary? The albatross is a hero, man. That's not scary. It's got that hook, man. Show them a different... Look at that. The albatross is a hero, man. Look at its eyes.

There are fucking sailors lost at sea in the albatross. It looks like a seagull in that picture. Jim knows about that shit. They love the albatross. That's right. You're a coast guard. You saw a bunch of albatross. They ever fuck with you? No. They knew better. Kevin, I want to hear your full in-depth synopsis of this gross looking bird.

Well, let me tell you something about albatross. They're one of the most majestic creatures on this planet. One of the largest wingspans of any seafaring bird that we know of having existed. All right? And in the land down under, what was that? The movie with the fucking mice? The albatross saved his life like ten times. Was that an albatross?

Yeah, he was jumping on his back and his fucking giant ass wings held him down. No? Huh? No. Rescue is down under. Go, Eddie. Leave him alone. Rescue is down under. Yeah, rescue was jumping on his back and his fucking giant ass wings held him down. Finding Nemo? Huh? No. Rescue is down under. Go, Eddie. Leave him alone. Rescue is down under.

Yeah, Rescue is down under. I literally said an approximation of the title and you came back with Finding Nemo. That's disrespectful. There's birds and it goes all Australia. Yeah, but they say mine, mine, mine. Balloons on the house. Yeah. Yeah, there was an albatross in Finding Nemo, yeah.

Was there? Yeah. No, there was seagulls. Continue, Kevin. All I'm just saying, it's a majestic bird. Y'all need to respect the albatross in Finding Nemo. Was there? Yeah. Continue, Kevin. All I'm just saying, it's a majestic bird. Y'all need to respect the albatross. Fuck Ed. What?

We're on that now? Fuck Ed. If it's between you and albatross, I choose albatross every fucking time. That was my problem with it. I want to drown on his blood. Isn't an albatross also a symbol Of something that is holding you back A useless thing that is

Hanging over you I've never heard that shit ever in my life That's just the word though When they're dead An albatross around my neck That's what they usually say When they're dead What kind of bullshit Texas shit is that?

I've never heard that Jesus Christ I'm feeling uncomfortable. Yeah, listen. I'm going to fucking call people out, man. I don't give a shit. I just saw Straight Outta Compton, man. I love it.

It was so good. I'm a gangster now, man. No, that's not a gangster. That's the same look my brother used to give me before he beat the shit out of me. Exactly. You just saw Straight Outta Compton and you still won't shave?

I think that's I fucking miss fucking Reekin calm the fuck down you got no ground to stand on fuck the both of y'all Team Albatross

I just see your profile I'm Team Biggie Small you're by your there's no team it's just you yeah but I thought it sounded cool

yeah exactly one man team Straight Outta Compton. Was it a good movie? Oh, phenomenal. Everyone has to see it. I want to go see it again. I saw Trainwreck.

I want to smoke a blunt in the theater. We should go and just take over a theater and just start smoking blunts. I'm dying to go. Yeah? Was it accurate? My personal perspective on the entire situation is that the government killed Eazy-E. What do you think? Eazy-E fucked his way through the country.

Was he gay? He died of AIDS. Was Eazy-E gay? He fucked every woman in America. Ed, give me the straight talk. Belly or straight out of Compton? Belly's garbage. Belly's a fucking garbage.

It copies every gangster movie ever made. Some good lighting in it. Menace to Society or Straight Outta Compton. Ooh, Straight Outta Compton. Don't be a menace to society while drinking your gin and juice in the hood. It's a concert. People were literally dancing in the fucking aisles and shit. It was amazing.

Everyone's reciting the lyrics and dancing. It was so cool. You gotta go see this movie. And reciting the lyrics and dancing. It was so cool. You got to go see this movie. And you leave all inspired and shit. There's literally nothing else in the theater that I even give a fuck about, and I'm going to go see Straight Outta Compton again. Me too. It's so good.

Isn't that fun? A lot of people. I want to go to, where's a good, you know, what's a good theater where a lot of black people go to? The Angelica. Magic Johnson Theater, 125th Street. Oh, let's do it. Let's do it.

Oh, my God. I hope I get punched. They're not going to punch you, Eddie. I'm like dressing a cop. I saw a woman get her wallet stolen right in front of that theater. A cop with a ponytail. Kevin Barnett, Tupac Shakur, Notorious B.I.G., who killed who? Who killed who?

Who killed who? Who killed who? It's a tough question, but I'm wearing the Joseph A.B. jacket. Suge Knight killed everybody, man. I'll say that. Suge Knight is scary. Well, that's the funniest thing about the whole... Thank God he's locked up.

He needs to be in prison. Right? Okay. I met him once. He scared the fuck out of me. You did? Yeah. What was your perception of Suge Knight?

I mean, I just said hello and shook his hand and said, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Knight. Was he fatter than you or were you fatter than him? He's huge, man. He's huge. Well, he played offensive guard for the Cardinals for a couple of years. Yeah, he played for the Arizona Cardinals for a couple of years. I didn't know that.

Yeah, he's fucking gigantic. You know, because, I mean, straight out of Compton, it was forced to come out eight months later because he killed two people on the set. It was forced to be eight months later because of it. Hey, he is 6'2", 265. He's bigger than that. Fuck that. There's no way he's 265.

He is way bigger than that. Well, maybe There's no way he's 265. He is way bigger than that. Maybe that was the weight he went into prison with. So you felt, Kevin, that this movie represented NWA in a positive light? It was beautiful, man. It was really cool. It was a great freedom speech movie. It's a great anti-police movie. Not that I am against the police.

I'm just saying it just... Well, they shouldn't kill people. That was the thing. It was a movie about some 90s shit, but it was insanely current. Accurate, yeah. It was very interesting. Very relevant.

Jim 2's Selma or Belly? What are we going with? You team Belly, you team Selma. It's one word. It's one word. Here we go, Jim. One word black person movies. Well, I mean,

they're movies for... Belly! Belly! I haven't seen either. I haven't person movies. Here we go. Well, I mean, there's movies for it. Belly. Belly. I haven't seen either. I haven't seen either. I'll tell you what, I'd rather watch Belly than Selma. Okay.

Selma's a better movie, but if I'm putting one on, it's going to be Belly. Yeah. Because at least I don't feel as guilty smoking blunts during Belly. They're smoking so many blunts. I don't need to see black people marching no more.

I've seen enough. Yeah. Belly. They walk and they walk. Yeah. I don't need to see black people marching no more. I've seen enough. Belly don't have no more. They walk and they walk. Fucking belly, man. People know that we walk. I know you can walk. That's why I won't watch Wild again. Just walking.

The whole movie's walking. Meatball? The opening scene to Belly is pretty awesome. All right. With the contacts. How do you want it? It's pretty. The opening scene to Belly is pretty awesome Alright With the contacts How do you want it? It's pretty How do you need it?

I had that soundtrack man I was rocking the soundtrack Oh here comes the boom DMX I don't remember anything from the soundtrack But I remember I listened to it a lot Yeah well I choose the butler Mr. Body I like the butler

The butler was good. The Butler was good. People talk shit about The Butler. I don't know why. I thought it was a fine film. I fell asleep twice while trying to watch it. That's what's great about it. Then I eventually watched the whole thing and I went, hey, that's a movie.

Very good. Alright. I want to see a quote like that on a trailer. Eddie is the one who made see a quote like that on a trailer thing where they just flash quotes about movies. Hey, that was a movie. I watched the movie. Every time I had a roommate who just hated Belly and we watched it all the time in college. I don't know what Belly is. I've never heard of this movie before.

It's got DMX and Nas in it. Oh, DMX? He's having a mental health crisis. Is it Jay-Z? No, it's directed by... Who's the guy? Hype Williams. Hype Williams.

We watch Belly constantly, and he hated it. Every time he came in, we were watching Belly. He's like, oh, you guys watch his stomach? Do you like stomach? Oh, you guys... I actually got to give that guy credit. That's kind of funny. That's kind of funny.

The Rebel. I like it. Wonderful. All right. So we're talking about a news story regarding an animal, a bird. A bird. And this is how it's... Yeah, it was a woman.

Yeah, to refresh everyone, a woman in Spain attacked an animal rights activist with a duck. Oh, yeah. Why'd she do it? Something about belly. It says the footage shows a young woman wearing a white bathing suit attack the man, the animal rights activist, with a duck, holding

it by the legs as she repeatedly lashes him with it because, of course, she loves the duck chase so much, this guy's trying to stop the duck chase, so she attacked him with the duck. How's the duck? Duck's dead. Well, the duck will die.

Every year since 1918, about 50 ducks are thrown into How's the duck? Duck's dead. Well, the duck will die. Yeah. Every year since 1918, about 50 ducks are thrown into the sea in the town north of Barcelona, with swimmers then racing in to catch them and bringing them ashore however they can. But after Sunday's incident, the town's mayor is mulling putting an end to the duck chase. How come every Barcelona tradition involves, like, fighting an animal? Oh, no, no. This is not even close to the only weird Spanish tradition involving an animal. Festivals at

the annual San Antolin Festival in the bass coastal town of La Quito revolve around a contest where young men battle to pull the head off a dead goose as it's dragged on a pulley across the harbor. That happened to me when I was at La Quinta.

And the goose used to be alive. They don't have internet there. There's no internet there. People don't know what the fuck's going on. They get really bored. They start chasing after ducks in the ocean. And there's another Spanish one where

they just throw a goat off a church. Why? Is that a sacrificial thing? It's to see how tall the church is. It's to honor... That's the funniest thing I ever got. It's not going to be a funnier thing today. Ed did it. Ed got it in.

That's how we predict the harvest. Alright, Eddie. Joke of the. That's how we predict the harvest. All right, Eddie. Joke of the podcast. You've got three minutes alone. What do you want to tell the people? Oh, my God. All right. First of all, see straight out of Compton.

Don't see Southpaw. What a fucking garbage. Really? What a complete... It wasn't bad. I liked Southpaw, man. You liked it? Well, I liked Jake Gyllenhaal.

Yeah, he was great. He was amazing. The movie was fucking, God. The movie was very cookie cutter. It was unbelievably horrible. I thought it was

supposed to be amazing. I was heckling it. It was fucking, everyone was laughing. It was like, we couldn't even, no one liked it. I can't believe

you even kind of liked it. I mean, I'm in love with Jake Gyllenhaal. All right, what are you watching? Oh, they're throwing a goat off a church. Marcus has a video. I want, I'm in love with Jake Gyllenhaal. All right, let's do it. Oh, they're throwing a goat off a church.

Marcus has a video. I want to use this in my three minutes. Put this in my three minutes. Marcus. Well, now we have to watch them show up. My God. I don't want to. That's so sad.

It's a little bit before. They are going nuts for it. I hate this. They love it. Why are they at the bottom of the... They're waiting for the goat to drop. Is it going to fall on them? What's wrong with people?

I hate this. All right. Marcus, can you pause this, please, so we can get the Southpaw thing? I want to know what happened. We'll get to it. I want to hear why you love Southpaw. He didn't love it. I'm saying, like, Jake Gyllenhaal...

It was just complete trash. His wife gets shot for no reason whatsoever. There's another boxer he doesn't really know or like that much, and then his friend... Oh, man, that goat fucking... Fell. It fell. We stopped with the goats dropping from the buildings,

and we're in Joseph A. Bank. So how tall is the church? It fell. There was so much with his little daughter that was so stupid. Everything with his daughter was just horrible. It's Brad Pitt's wife's head in the box at the end of seven. Yes, it is. It is Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yes, it's Gwyneth Paltrow. He married her for a little bit in real life. Eddie, you had three minutes and you ruined it. I like what I did. I like what I did. I like what you did, too. By the way, the reason why the people are standing at the bottom is because they catch the goat in a canvas sheet. That's the whole thing. A bunch of guys throw the goat off and a bunch of people down below catch it.

That's what they do. Then what? I'm sure the goat knows that. They have it on the fourth Sunday of every January. Is it always the same goat? I mean, they've been doing it for a long time now. I don't think they might. Actually, they might recycle it.

You gotta re-goat. You gotta re-goat every time. That's insanity. Alright, so you loved it. You loved Southpaw. It was a horrible movie. Never go see it. And then afterwards I snuck into Mission Impossible, which was even worse. It was... Really?

It was one of the worst... I don't think it was great. It's fucking garbage. What happened to you, Ed? Kevin loves all these movies. There's just no plot. It's just complete dog shit. Well, it's not necessarily needs to be about the plot. Was the action cool? I didn't give a fuck. You liked Jurassic World. I kind of liked Jurassic World.

I was shitting on Jurassic World. You told me I was an animal. You told me I was a criminal. You almost put me in prison. You're making stuff up now. I'm exaggerating for podcast reasons. I enjoyed Jurassic World. The characters were horrible, but I did like the dinosaur fight, and I thought it was so stupid.

I loved it, especially when the raptor went to what's Guardians of the Galaxy's name? Chris Pratt. When the Raptor went to Pratt the Raptor was just like, alright, get out of here. I got this. When the Raptor actually talked to Chris Pratt that was my favorite part of the movie. You talked about wanting to be autistic

for an hour a day and I think you just fulfilled it. I feel great. I think that was wonderful. I talked about wanting to be autistic for an hour a day, and I think you just fulfilled it. I feel great. I think that was wonderful. I feel great. I talked about dinosaurs and fighting. The amount of ground you managed to cover in a time allotted was very impressive. Yeah, very good. Jackie, Kevin's girlfriend, is back in the room.

Jackie, what's the best thing you love about Kevin? Come on up. She doesn't want to come to the microphone, but that's okay. We have to do one. Jackie, come here. She doesn't like anything about Kevin. Come on up. She doesn't want to come to the microphone, but that's okay. We have to do one. Jackie, come here. She doesn't like anything about him. Jackie, what's the best thing about Kevin Burnett?

I love Kevin. I don't know. You got to say it right into the mic. He still has to shave. She says he still has to shave. She can't like him until he shaves.

I'm never doing that shit, man. Interesting. I'm keeping this patchy ass beard, bro. Break up with her, Kevin. All right. Pull a Jim Tews and propose and then renege on it. Break up with her. I'm trying to get stronger. Live longer.

All that shit. Let's just see what Tom Wilson has to say about this. Biff? Biff it out. It would have been great if he said, this is what's going to happen. I've seen it. And then gave you advice. That would have been great if he said, this is what's going to happen. I've seen it. And then gave you advice. That would have been terrifying.

I love that you took relationship advice from a person who literally ended every movie of his film career by eating shit. I think he just was saying what I wanted to hear. Yeah, maybe. So, birds are dead.

Hell yeah, man. Fuck her Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe. All right. So, birds are dead. Hell yeah, man. Fuck her, man. Good point, Eddie. Jackie, your thoughts right now on any... What do you want to think about? Take her back. I guess you have to take her back

because obviously whatever you've got, you're not ready to prose yet and that means that she's not good enough. He's got a wonderful... Oh, this was like years ago. I don't know.

Was this last week? Oh, no. It was like... This was like seven years ago. I was just kidding. Jackie,, no, no. Was this last week? Oh, no. It was like seven years ago. I was just kidding. Jackie, I just told you. How old are you? I'm 33. Oh, my God.

You're 100. Yeah. Shut up, Jackie. I've lived a lot of lives. Are we all 33 except for Jackie? I'm 32. No, Kevin's younger than fucking me. No, I'm not younger than you.

You're younger than me. I just turned 29 last week. Oh, gross. Oh, yeah, you're old. He's a child. Holding your... 32, going on 104 with my wisdom. Oh, my God.

That's right. You know too much, man. That's your biggest problem. That's my biggest issue. Jim Tews, what was your song with her? I'll take control of this. Jim, what was your song with her? I'll take control of this. Jim, what was your song with her? Is it You're Always a Woman to Me by Billy Joel?

You're always a woman to me. I don't remember. I feel like there was a Jimmy Eat World song that we had. That's a doomed relationship. Of all the things I've said, that's what turned you all off the boat. Jimmy Eat World, Jerry. That's fucking complete garbage. It was of the time.

Meatball favorite Jimmy Eat World song. It has to be the middle. It's the only song anybody knows. It's the only one because the party in the video actually looked like a pretty good time. I have no idea what anyone's talking about. Jimmy Eat World. I know of the band. I don no idea what anyone's talking about. Jimmy E. World. I know of the band.

I don't know anything. You know the middle. No, I don't. If you heard it. Let's move on. I'm sure Tim Dean played it for me at some point. Oh, great guy. He's got a couple of kids.

He's doing that. Everything, everything will be all right. Everything, everything will be all right, all right. Was that the song? Yeah, that was it. Oh, you guys are making me tear up over it. Birds are dead. Let's do another news story.

I think you should get married so we can all go to the wedding. Alright, yeah, I'm going to do that. Okay. I've got a marriage. That's one of the reasons I want to get married

just to have a huge party. For us to go to the wedding? Yeah, for you guys. Specifically. And we're going to end it with a marriage story. Hey, you're on fire today, Marcus. Thank you. For us. Yeah, for you guys. Specifically. And we're going to end it with a marriage story. Hey, you're on fire today, Marcus. Thank you.

Dominique Lisbarelle41, a Dutch woman who married her cat says she will now marry her dog because the cat died. Oh, the cat died. Is this about J2s? Is this what happened to you? Holden, cat or dog?

I'm a dog, man. Is it a King Charles Spaniel, though? Would you marry a King Charles Spaniel? No, not at all. I hate that dog. That's the only dog I dislike. Because my parents decided to replace me and my brother with that dog. With that type of dog.

And they used to call you... Yeah, the dog's name was Ariel. And they'd go, Ariel, holden, time for dinner. And I was like, why don't you just end me and put the dog in my room, and the dog can get good grades in college for you. You didn't get good grades. I was a fucking B average student. B average student?

I got a D in biology. That was the only class I didn't give a fuck. Do you remember that biology class, Kevin? The giant one? Oh my God, it was a nightmare. How did you get a D in fucking biology? I just literally didn't care about it. All you had to do was show up.

I never went to the class. I didn't go either, but I just didn't do any of the research or homework or anything. You take the test online. I would literally, for half an hour before, on the bus ride to the test, I would look over the shit, and I'd get a hundred on every test. Really? You're dumber than me. Oh, of course.

We all know that. I mean, that's natural, of course. How'd you do in the computer lit class? I didn't take computer lit. You had to. The Microsoft Word, Excel. No, none of you were smart enough in high school. You didn't have to take that class.

What the fuck? I dropped out of college because I refused to take math again. Yeah, dude. Sold me weed, man. Yeah, I smoked weed and I worked at Hooters and then I sold weed

and then I fucking got rich. And he wins. I thought you were going to say arrested, not rich. I was rich first. You were rich first and then you got arrested. I was able to bail myself out. Boom. Ed Larson.

America's man. This woman, she's getting hitched to her dog. Her first husband, Dorak, was a cat. Dorak? Dorak. She said, putting Dorak to sleep was horrible. I've had him since he was three, but I feel lucky to have had 16 lovely years with him. She plans to wed her dog, Travis, but wants to wait a while to get over her grief at losing Dorak.

Yeah, you gotta get to know the dog before you marry the dog. She's gotta fucking get better at naming animals. Yeah, Travis and Do-Rak. I think those are great names. Do-Rak's kind of fun, meeple. I'm kind of curious if she was cheating on the cat with the dog while she was with the cat.

While the dog was. They have been living together for several years. The cat was in hospice, probably. Living together for several years. Yeah, yeah. Travis, her intended, has been with her for several years. The cat was in hospice, probably. Living together for several years. Travis, her attendant, has been with her for several years after she rescued him from being homeless while she was living in Greece. This is a cute story of how they met. She likes bad boys. She found him at the beach where he stole her shoes and bag while she was swimming.

She picked up a street cat and married it? Street dog. A tramp. A tramp. Can we please? She's fucking... The dog knew how and married it? Street dog. A tramp. A tramp. Can we please? She's fucking... The dog knew how to lay it down. No.

That's her. They do look happy. What, does she fuck the animals? She needs to put a bra on. Oh, right. I think it's wonderful. She's married to the animal. Yeah, she had sex with the dog.

When you have to, in order to consummate the marriage, you gotta fuck, right? Well, here's a little bit of background on her. in order to consummate the marriage, you gotta fuck, right? Well, here's a little bit of background on her. She's 41, and she performs wedding rites for domestic animals at marryyourpet.com,

a website she's been running since 2003. Oh, so it's all a business. Yeah, it's all a business. Yeah, and she says... It's not real, though. Holden, what animal would you marry? Pink. We have this conversation every week.

All right, then. Meatball. Of all the animals, maybe like a panda bear. I feel like because they give you the best hugs. They probably give you a good hug. And they'll munch on your dick like it's a bamboo shoot. Possibly. Joke of the week stolen by Jackie.

No way. Joke of the week. No way. Fuck that. We're on fire. What was my joke? What was my joke? What was my joke? No one would ever say

what a guy in the New Jersey was. It was literally blown away. See how tall the church was but she took it. That's kind of a funny thing.

Yeah, man. Hell yeah. All right. I fucking quit. Everyone loves the podcast. They like to hear us talk to each other and they have friendships through us. Who would like to take Eddie talk to each other. And they have friendships.

Who would like to take Eddie's spot on the round table? Oh, my God. I'm going to get someone fucking bad to do it. I'm going to bring in... Who should I bring in? Who's horrible at this? Well, this would be your own interpretation if he's bad. Who would you think?

Who do you want, Eddie? The replacement for Ed Larson. A German gentleman. Forever. Autistic person. You are that. So in Ed Larson, you get the job again.

Rehired. Great to be back. Okay, great. Let's go get some ice cream. Perfect. So Ed's not going anywhere. Can we do a segment or how long do we have to do the show for?

Oh, well, if you wouldn't have put on that fucking blazer, then maybe you'd have a little bit more patience. It's Joseph A. Bank, Marcus. I can't believe you've just taken me down.

I love it. He got you good, man. I know. I know. That was like straight out of Compton good. Where is your Joseph A. Bank now?

Well, it's over on 52nd Street in Madison. It's so hot here. I loveoss A. Bank now? Well, it's over on 52nd Street in Madison. It's so hot here. I love Joss A. Bank. Do you guys think America Ultra looks like shit? I think it looks like shit. I don't know, Eddie.

I'll give it a shot because I liked Adventureland and that's starring those same two people. Adventureland was the most white privilege movie of all fucking time. What?

And it was great. Because of it. It was great. I hated it. I hated everything about it. Some of my favorite summer movies. God, if you can't see me making the jerk-off motion of Ben Kissel right now, It was fine luck. It was great. I hated it. I hated everything about it. God, if you can't see me making the jerk-off motion of Ben Kissel right now, jeez. What am I getting demonized for?

I'm wearing Joseph A. Bank. What is this segment? Oh, yeah. Time for a segment from Paul McNeil. Thank God. Well, if you're like me these days on PlayStation Network as Catcher6945, then you've been playing a lot of... Mortal Kombat! That's my gamer tag. Why?

What does it mean? I don't know. Do you just pick numbers? It was back when I didn't care about it, so I just was like, all right, fine. Catcher and then 69, of course, is hilarious. You know, Stinky Pete agrees with me. He's got 69 in his gamer tag. Or Stinky Steve.

Whatever his name is. Greedy Steve, Greedy Pete. It might be Greedy Frank. I'm gonna go... Stinky Pete. No, Greedy Pete. No, it's Greedy. It's Greedy. What's the 45? 45, I don't really know. Maybe the year my mom fucking had an abortion. I don't know. Get on with it. Alright.

So, you gotta choose your Mortal Kombat character. Now, I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there. You know, you can play as Predator or Jason Voorhees, the newest Mortal Kombat, so it could be a pop culture icon in your Mortal Kombat game. Me, personally, I'm going to go with Lupe Rodriguez. He's got a baseball bat and a mitt. Hell yeah.

That's so ridiculously stupid. There's the baseball player skin, but you can also do death metal Lupe, right? And he comes out black. Yep, he comes out, he headbangs people, he throws drums at people and stuff like that. He hits them with, like, axe guitars and stuff. He throws pig's blood on dudes and stuff like that.

Lupe Rodriguez, yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. So mine, the character's name is Jezebel, and she comes out and tries to make you feel guilty about some bullshit. And you beat the shit out of her because she sucks. That's pretty good. Yeah, I like that. I like that.

Check your privilege style. The name of my character is Stuart Small, and he kills them with kindness. Okay. Very kind of good Al Franken. Meatball? Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. Also. Yes!

Spoiler of the week. What? Also. So, honestly, I don't have a good character name, but I do have a real quick story. I think that it was pretty good if if I told it before I apologize but back in high school we're at our first annual I think only annual kegger of our group

Eddie and I and we call ourselves shallow. We yeah man. I'm sorry. Badass. So we bought the worst stripper in town.

She had a C-section scar. She fucking farted on someone. So you're taking the story.. She fucking farted on someone, I think. So you're taking the story. Okay, so is that the story, people? Yeah, this is the story. So the stripper comes out, and she didn't bring her own music.

Eddie was in charge of the music, and he puts on the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat. I put on the theme. I put on the Mortal Kombat theme. I was like, that's it. That'd be fucking awesome. What's wrong with that? I still stand by my decision. Mortal Kombat. I put on the theme. I put on the Mortal Kombat theme. I was like, that's it. That'd be fucking awesome. What's wrong with that? I still stand by my decision. Mortal Kombat!

Yeah, man. It's my favorite fighting game and tits. She comes out and it was like, Sub-Zero. Johnny Cage. Finish him. Was it good? I wanted to dance to it. She made us put on Juvenile.

I'm going to give you your character Your character is Busted Stripper From Florida Busted Florida Stripper Yes that would be my character There you go She sounds dangerous Let's call her Dee Dee Alright Dee Dee

I once had a stripper at my house In Tallahassee And she left her diary behind And of course we read it. And it was just all about her dead kid. And it was fucking horrible. Oh, God, Eddie. And then she came back, and then she came back to get her diary.

And we gave her her diary back, of course. And then when she was leaving, her car fell in our ditch. And then none of us had AAA, but my lesbian friends came over and they had AAA and they said they would call AAA for her if she danced for all of us for free. And it was horrible. It was the worst time of my life.

You think it was smart, but then it was just god awful. All right. So that's idiots in Florida there. Fun story. Talking Florida, man. A little Florida story. Mortal Kombat.

We got Sven Kissel. And he's a big Nazi guy. He's got a Joss A. Bank blazer on. Joseph A. Bank. And the thing is that he bores you to death with his conspiracy theories. But then randomly,

he'll send out 9-11 planes at you to try and take you down. So then he goes at you with all of his conspiracy theories, and then he'll take off his shirt with the special tactic that he has. Fatality? His fatality move will be... I don't know anything about fucking video games. I don't know either.

I know nothing about video games. He kills you. He smothers you with hugs. He's... Terrifying. Very good. Video games are not my forte

and you know it. That would be more like a friendship. It's a friendship. It's a friendship. It's a friendship. You did describe what would happen in a game

in a different type of... Around Mortal Kombat 3 to start doing friendship. In a game? Ultimately. Thanks of... Around Mortal Kombat 3, they started doing friendship. In a game. Friendships. When you turn him into a baby, Ed? Mine's called Monkey Kong. It's not Donkey Kong.

But it's actually a donkey. And it kicks barrels at you. And if you're Italian, he gets real mad. I love it. I love it. That's a one to beat right there. Jimmy 2s, jim.2s at gmail.com.

What do you got for me? My Mortal Kombat character is called Mr. Reasonable, for me. It's like Mortal Kombat character is called Mr. Reasonable and his finishing move is making everybody see that they're

not so different after all. Marcus Parks what do you got for us? Hey Jim blew it up. Mr. Reasonable was great. I can't go against it. Although Monkey Kong

is like the second DLC. What a great episode it's been. Good job. Can't argue that. Although Monkey Kong is like the second DLC. That's like... What a great episode it's been. And everyone's loved it so much. He's passing out. He's speaking. I am done. I'm sweating profusely.

You are sweating. I really am dying. You look physically sick. I really want to go to sleep. You look like you have food poisoning. I might. I'm wearing the Joseph A. Bank. I thought it would be a fun look.

This is the worst Corey from a Joseph A. Bank ever. I'm dying. I'm literally dying. You're going to get sued. It doesn't matter. I don't know. All right. So Jackie was here.

Bye, Jim. Jim is insulted. Jim, we're leaving. What's your Twitter or whatever? You got anything you care about? At Jim2s. And Jim2s at Gmail. Jim, we're leaving. We're leaving. What's your Twitter or whatever? You got anything you care about? At Jim2s. At Jim2s. Yeah.

And Jim2s at Gmail. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. Eddie, find him on Twitter. Find all of us on Twitter. I don't know. Just search for us.

Who gives a fuck? At RT of gentlemen. Yeah. I'm dying. What do we got going on? Nothing. Nothing, right? Nothing.

Nothing. I'm dying. Murder Fist performing at the Brooklyn Comedy Festival on Thursday. Great. I'm doing it on Sunday. Cool. Play me Immortal Kombat. You're doing the Brooklyn Comedy Festival on Sunday?

I don't know. It's over on Sunday. Saturday. It starts tonight. Does it? Yeah, I think. When are you doing it, Kevin? I'm doing tonight.

Knit is the first show. Oh, cool. Me and him are doing Saturday. Nice. Roast Battle. I'm doing it again. You're doing Roast Battle? Yeah. Oh. Can't condone first show. Oh, cool. Me and him are doing Saturday. Nice. Roast Battle. You're doing Roast Battle? Yeah.

Can't condone the show. Why? I was wondering, too, because I was like, I know there was all the crazy shit, but I didn't know if it... Because they just came back, and I was like, oh, all right.

What happened? It's the enemy show. It is? Yes, the opposite show. I'm doing... It's the enemy show. It is? Yeah, it's the opposite show. I'm doing Kennedy tomorrow on Fox Business. Ooh. So that's kind of exciting. Kennedy?

Kennedy. Yeah, the MTV VJ. Really? You're going to do her? No, I'm doing this show. Oh. I'm literally dying. John F. Kennedy.

We got to get out of here. All right, that's it that's the show everybody goodbye Lupe bye Lupe bye Lupe what's the enemy I don't understand

alright it's fine I'm getting out of here we gotta go we have to leave for more shows like the one you just listened to