The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 257: It's a Cow Christmas

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

This week on Round Table: dozens of bears take over a town in Russia, a six year old boy gets his penis chewed off by a horse in Ukraine, and a chicken is caught in a custody battle in San Francisco. Joining us today: Chris Laker!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Is this where I should introduce the show? I think this is where someone has to do a prayer. The microphones never get turned off. Uh-oh. Let's see. Who is praying today?

Ed. Is it Ed? Yeah, because I was a little misrekin last time. That's right. And she's continued to be a little misrekin. And I still fucking am! I'm just blowing it up! Oh, yeah. Alright. Hell yeah. All right. Well, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. All right.

Boy, oh boy. I just got done listening to that 9-11 conspiracy episode of the last podcast on the left, and I got to say, thank God it wasn't real. Gotta say, thank God it wasn't real. Thank you, big guy, for pulling that illusion over us. And thank you for creating our savior and God, Dick Cheney. And thank you for air travel. All right, so you're thanking God for creating 9-11 and making dick cheney a very bizarre prayer no no no no no 9-11 didn't happen well i don't know i'm fairly convinced

it did oh man all right well uh good episodes two guys i'm waiting for the next one i listened to one on a bus and one on an airplane what What was better? I like the first one better. You have to listen to the third one in a high tower. Oh, a high tower. I was going to say a train, but high tower sounds like. Oh, maybe I should go to the Freedom Tower. Let's do it up there. There you go.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Thank God. My prayer would have been about how Holden is not here. Really quickly,

why are you thankful Holden's not here? I'm going to say the room smells better. It does. Less eggs. Less eggs. Jackie? I'm going to say less hair all over me. I feel like every time I'm going to say less hair all over me. I feel like every time I'm around him, I get covered in hair. He's losing it, but not from his head, but from his arms and legs.

It's from his groin, too. I watch it come out of the bottom of his shorts when he walks. Yeah. It's odd. Marcus, why are you happy Holden's not here? Don't got to wipe down the seats. Perfect answer. It's the slime.

here don't gotta wipe down the seats perfect answer it's the slime sadly kevin barnett is not here and i wish kevin was here because i enjoy his wisdom what do you like about kevin uh kevin i i like uh he's cool yeah that's all you need jackie um his beady shifty eyes okay a little racist but that's okay. That's not racist! All right. Too angry, though, about how not racist it is? No. Haircut. Haircut, and very nice haircuts. The flat top.

All right. No, he just said the word haircut. He didn't say whether he liked it or not. Oh, yeah, that's true. So we have a small crowd tonight. We have a small show, a small roundtable, sitting in for either way, Chris Lakers or Chris, do you want to be sitting in for Holden or do you want to be sitting in for Kevin?

Well, I'm sitting in Kevin's seat and Holden's seat is empty like as a memorial. Right. You know, like we should open a beer and put it there for him. Ew. All right. So Chris Laker is here sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett. All right.

I'd rather that. I'd rather you be Kevin. Kevin's on more television. Kevin is a very successful show on TruTV. When does it air, Chris? Oh, whenever I illegally download it. Perfect. Of course, you can check Chris out on This Week in Jackin',

and you do another podcast also. Just listen to that, and if you like that, we can listen to others. I just like to promote one thing at a time so people don't get overwhelmed. This Week in Jackin' is a good introduction to who I am as a person. It's about what people masturbate to. All of you guys have been guests. Hell yeah. Now you go look and start there and keep exploring.

Fuck yeah. Just like Jackin'. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Just like your pornography. You start at the basics, then you you move on up those shorts i just remember i used to date a guy that on the inside of the zipper it said never stop exploring and i was always like oh my god i'm gonna keep exploring it seems a bit rape culture

a little jezebel uh jezebel would not be happy oh give me a fucking break anybody can wear the pants i can wear the pants keep exploring put your the pants. Keep exploring. Put your fingers down there. And as we know, Jezebel stands for tricky whore. Well, that is actually kind of true, but, you know, the website's different. I thought Jezebel was like a cow thing. A cow thing? No, you're thinking of Bluebell.

No, there's a... I thought that was cheese. That's actually, no, Bluebell is ice cream. Bluebell is ice cream. There is a song called Jezebel the something cow On it's a cow Christmas Which is a tape that we used to have growing up It's a cow Christmas Yeah Jezebel the cow

It's a cow Christmas And what did the cows get as gifts on a cow Christmas I don't know play it It's all songs about like when it's like I got more hay for him. Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. I've never talked about this before. Never.

I fucking love it. This is what episode are we on? Are we on Little Fat Kids on Christmas? I mean, the Zebrowski family Christmas, a cow Christmas. I mean, this is amazing. Yeah, it's a tape. We had it in the car. We got more hay for you. Moo, moo, moo, this is amazing. Yeah, it's a tape. We had it in the car. We've got more hate

for you. Is there a track listing? The Hallelujah Chorus. Love it. Angus, We Have Heard on High. That one's a good one. We Three Cows. Yes. The Little Summer Calf.

That one's not a good one. That's like a slow jam. Nobody likes that one. God Rest Ye Merry Cattlemen? It's not that creative. No, no, no. Deck the Stalls with Oats and Barley. That one's a good one. I turned my back on religion when I was a teenager. I'm ready to go back to church.

It's a good one. Oh, my God. I just want to have children so I can play this for them. How is the docile song? I don't remember that one. I never really knew the names of it because it was just on the tape. So we don't really listen to the tape. I bet you knew We Wish You a Dairy

Christmas. We Wish You a Dairy Christmas. We Wish You a Dairy Christmas. Not that much different. But man is in about cows. He's got about things that rhyme. Dealing with milk product and cow-related activity. Interesting. And inspiring Adria on YouTube,

she uploaded the entire thing because she says, to bring the funny back in Christmas. You gots to. Gots to. Put that cow back in Christmas. And the cover is a chicken holding a piece of corn? No, that's a cow eating a piece of corn. And he's got a little Santa hat on.

Is that a cow? That's a cow. It's a skinny cow. Maybe it looks like a chicken. All right. Well, that's very exciting. I love it. But anyway, their website is based on a cow.

So maybe they would like to know that. That is fun. Well, it's a great website. Check. So maybe they would like to know that. That is fun. Well, it's a great website. Check out Jezebel whenever you can. Yeah. And by the way, the guy that wrote all of the songs for A Cow Christmas, his name is Terry E. Sow. And he was shot in the head. No way!

By Sir Head! Sir Head! He's a writer and speaker now and this is what he says about, he has something called Breathing Lessons. That's a series of books. He says, Does your church have bad breath? Church? Terry Esau,

author of Surprise Me and Be the Surprise. So I'm doing both roles now? What's happening? Introduces a spiritual breath freshener for your congregation. Learn how to inhale God's love. That is absolutely disturbing and disgusting. What did he say?

Surprise me? Surprise me and be the surprise. That is a bipolar, schizophrenic duo. Inhale God's Love would be a great name for, like, a vape lounge. Inhale God's? That's for, like, that's also, like, religious. Like, a religious vape lounge. Like, that's how you get the kids in with the vape.

They're all vaping. And you give them a Bible. And then you say, you know who else was pretty cool? JC. That would be a perfect time to get me, by the way. If you wanted to try and get me, give me really high and be like, this is what we do. We do get high, we just hang out. As long as we're getting high.

That's what the Hare Krishnas did. Oh, man. Oh, God, man. If I ever saw one of my friends hanging out with the Hare Krishnas, I'd grab him by the hand and lead him away. Unless it was George Harrison's Hare Krishnas, in which case, you gotta chill. Oh, I love that album.

Remember when he goes over there, and he's with all the people, and then he makes that big, all the money? And then he takes that private jet out of there. Do you remember when you used to get dogs high? You used to have to blow it in your ears? That's terrible.

Do you remember when I used to get dogs...? You used to have to blow it in your ears? That's terrible. Do you remember when I used to get dogs? No, Eddie. You never got dogs stoned? No, actually, I never got dogs stoned, but I did have a friend growing up who would get his cat high. Blow it in his ears? No, just blow it right in the cat's face,

but I didn't really notice a change in the cat, and I always was kind of like, don't get the cat high. Oh, get the cat high. I mean, I'm not totally against it. Whatever. I mean, they're always eating their random shrubbery anyway. I had a friend that killed a parakeet that way. Oh, what do you mean?

That's a bird. Birds don't deserve it. He like blew like a he like blew like all this like bong smoke into this parakeet like How many times? Just once or? I think a lot. I think the whole time.

I used to do it to spiders a bunch. Well, spiders are great. You can do whatever you want to arachnids. Spiders. Were you there? I wasn't there. I heard, but I didn't know him to have a parakeet that was then gone. So, I mean, there was evidence that it happened. I don't think it was made.

I don't think he was just bragging. Right. The parakeet kid Yeah when you're the parakeet kid And you lose the parakeet People notice Man New fucking Cold war movie

With the Spielberg I can't believe you didn't know About that movie No one told me about it Where's your head been What are you talking about Up your ass

Fuck you I knew about the movie Why don't you talk to me It's a cow Christmas You guys are gonna play like this On cow Christmas What is a cold war to play like this on cow Christmas? What is a Cold War movie? Spielberg directed a Cold War movie written by the Coen brothers starring Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks. And no one told me about it. What is it? It looks cool. Is it out already? No, no. It comes out around Christmas. What's it called?

Cow Christmas. It's not cow Christmas. It's all coming together. Oh, Lord. Jackie? My lips are swollen. You've been sucking on salt? No, no.

I was sucking on dick. Oh, really? My lips are swollen. How's Squirty Bird? Squirty Bird's okay? Oh, yeah. Salute him loud and clear. Okay.

All right. That's fine. My lips are actually small They look great Did you keep blowing Doug too hard? Yeah, from the inside So it's like I can't concentrate Because the inside of my mouth is smaller than usual

That's awesome, Jackie Good for you Good for you, good for Doug And Henry, if you're listening Good for you, too Henry's the brows The last podcast on the left Of course, Jackie is his sister

Who just admitted that her lips were swollen because she loves her boyfriend. Why are you explaining it? I have to. Why are you giving a recap? Your lips are swollen now. I know.

Now that I looked at them, they're huge. They are, Marcus. I know, I know. I see, I see. Chris, you notice it? Yeah, no, it's fantastic. It's love.

Just with a... All right, good God. All right, let's move on. Let's do a new story. All right. Is it really like... Is anybody not thinking that Jackie's in a relationship? She's not sucking the guy's dick?

I mean, I... Not to the point where her fucking mouth is ripped open. Usually gets stuck by a bee to swallow. I mean, it's going to get swollen if you suck his dick then lick his asshole it gets the bacteria but that's fine no no it's cause you cover your teeth

so your teeth dig into the tops of your lips so as you're sucking so then that becomes inflamed that's a real commitment to technique I mean you have to you're like the Yao Ming of blowing Doug Oh, that makes sense. Well, that's a real commitment to technique. I mean, you have to. You're like the Yao Ming of blowing Doug.

Is that like a tall Asian? Is that what he is? I don't know what it means, but I love it. Overrated freak show? No, Yao Ming was very good. Bad knees, bad knees. He was too tall. Leave Yao alone. I'm falling over. Bad knees. Bad knees. He was too tall. Leave Yao alone.

I'm falling over. Bad ankles. Bad ankles. Bad ankles, yeah. Leave him alone. He was great. He was great. He was.

He still had a lot of jerseys. Okay. Okay, news story. Yeah. A six-year-old boy has had his penis bitten off by a pet horse in an extraordinary attack. At least I didn't do that. Absolutely. I heard about this.

Yeah. Did you? Yeah, yeah. I read about I didn't do that. Absolutely. I heard about this. Did you? Yeah, yeah. I read about it on the way here. The incident happened when the boy rode past the mayor on his bike. The mayor was there? No, the horse. The mayor. The horse.

That's great. The whole thing's derailed. Not the mayor. The town mayor was there. de Blasio? They also elected a horse. I thought he was getting rid of the horse and carriages, De Blasio. No, De Blasio is a failure.

Yes, he was riding past the mayor of the town, Edward. Yes, that's exactly what happened. The mayor made the horse do it. I'm the mayor. Save that boy's penis. Shoot that horse in the head. Look who benefits, Marcus. Quibono.

Quibono. Reports claim the horse suddenly attacked him, knocked him to the ground, and chewed off his member. The child wailed from the horse. Don't call it a member, though, right? Member? What's wrong with member? I think you have to hit puberty before you refer to the penis as member. Do you just refer to it as like a penis? Like a little boy's

penis? You call it a dinky. A dinky or I don't even know what. Member implies like, you know, the man has done porn before. It should be Rod. Rod. No, Rod. I don't think so. Rod is too much. How old is he? Fuckstick? No, he's six years old.

Oh, he's six. He's six, yes. He's a six-year-old boy. Yeah, you're right. Rod is perfect. Rod. Or Cod. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Well, the child wailed from the horrendous pain and ran back to his shocked father. The father called an ambulance and then luckily found the severed penis. The bizarre incident occurred in the Zdostomir Oblast region of northern Ukraine. The picture of the kid hanging with a horse and his face is blurred out. Oh no, no, Ed. Here's the thing about that.

This is from the Daily Mirror, which is a British newspaper. Their pictures has the boy's face blurred out. However, the Daily Mirror also links to a Ukrainian story, which, as you'll see, shows the boy's face plain as day. Oh, so we all know who it is now. Can we all translate horses?

Yeah, it showed the boy's... And if you'll also watch in throughout the video, they kept the horse. Really? The reporter in the Ukrainian news service..., they kept the horse. Really? The reporter in the Ukrainian news service. She's interviewing the horse. She's petting it. And once those horses get a taste for cock,

it's all over. So what's the deal? This kid kills himself, right? In like 10 years? No, I mean, John, what was it? John Bobbitt,

he parlayed that when Lorena cut off his penis. That's scissors. This is a fucking horse. I would rather have a horse. I'm just going to say. No, this is a horse chewing it off. You ever had a horse bite you?

No. No. I haven't either, but I was maybe helping one of y'all would. Why would any of us? Kevin's on here. It's a cow Christmas, not a horse Christmas. That is true. Yeah, that is true.

Who does the horse belong to? The family. It was the family mayor. I mean, he should. Who does the horse belong to? The family. It was the family mayor. I mean, he should get to keep the horse now, right? The kid. It belongs to the kid now. Oh, it's a family pet. Yeah, but I mean, even when he gets older, you get to keep the horse. I'm a child, and a horse bites

my dick off. I torture the horse as long as it's alive. Or at least be able to kill the horse by your own hand. Sure, absolutely. And eat it. And as it's alive. Or at least be able to kill the horse by your own hand. Sure, absolutely. And eat it. And then its power goes into you. Yeah, very true. It's interesting that he went right after

the genitalia though, right? We discussed on the last podcast on the left, as a matter of fact, we played the footage of the gorilla. When the chimp attacked the woman, they go after the hands and the feet. Now, why would the horse go after this region? I feel like he must have eaten a big slice of ham and was rubbing on

his dinky like six-year-olds do, and then his dinky smelled like ham. We might not be getting the whole story. The kid could have been holding a carrot by his dick and was like, eh, horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey. Like you do. Or the kid was trying to get blown. This kid might have been trying to get blown by the horse.

And the mayor at the same time. He made up this story about riding by on his bike. Yeah. I mean, because that's the problem, is that the horse has to chew through the fabric in the pants. I mean, it is Ukraine, so it's possible that the pants aren't of the highest quality. But nevertheless, unless the boy was riding his bicycle naked.

Which is, it's the naked. It's the Ukraine. It's the Ukraine. All their clothes are made out of potato skins in the Ukraine. Something like that. That's where my family's from. Really? That explains a lot. Half Ukrainian, half Polish.

Can we just say, though, the daily... Yeah, of course they are, Ed. The daily mirror, though, this implies that this is a reflection of society. Oh, yeah. This is fantasy. Like, this doesn't happen. Oh, wow. The Daily News has a whole subsection under weird news.

It's just horses. Oh, that's great. Watch Houdini horse cheekily free itself from its tether and take a bow to the... There's a whole lot of horse stories here. Oh, send this to Kevin. He will enjoy this. I'm just saying. I don't think this reflects society very well.

Maybe the Ukrainian society. It's for horses. The Daily Mirror. I don't know. Jackie, I mean, this is kind of one of those wonderful, rare times where it would be better to be a woman. Actually, I was just thinking that

in the exact same way. Because I was thinking of all the horse girls in my high school and everyone had horse girls. And they would always talk about how they would never let the guys touch them but they got off when they were riding the horses. They actually did. Oh yeah, because they put the clit on the horse. And you go up and down.

You jump over fences and shit. And you just rub it against that saddle. And you get to look at the fucking beautiful countryside while you comb your brains out all over this beautiful back of a horse. Yeah. So women have it a lot better with horses. I'd say so.

Also, there's no dick crammed up against the saddle. Why are there so many goddamn cowboys if their dick's just going to get hit into that big hard knob? Because there was no cars back then. Yeah, should've had cars. This is the problem with history. I don't know. A horse and a saddle is very

unforgiving to a penis. That's why you gotta have it tightened up. That's why you gotta have those tight pants. Ooh, I love those tight pants. They're gonna make a saddle that has like a fleshlight in it or something. They can stick your dick in the saddle. You should just dig a hole through the horse.

Why can't you just walk into the horse? You know those very exciting Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts that I love? The gels. Exciting. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm walking and smiling. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.

I feel like you fucking glue those to your hand, do a little jerk job. That could be kind of fun. Jerk job. I mean, put them in the microwave. Sure. I think they would melt. Well, I don't know, Jackie. No, I don't think they would melt. Just a couple seconds. Why can't you make a saddle out of that? That's what I'm saying. Why can't you make a saddle out of

your Dr. Scholl's insert? It's got to be rough. It's got to be able to handle a whole lot of punching and a bunch of pitching and all sorts of... I'm 300 pounds. I got these insoles that are crushing it. Oh, no, there's nothing worse than a big fat man on a horse. That horse hates it.

It's got to be a big horse. John Wayne's horse was huge. Well, John Wayne was a big guy. My grandfather didn't like him solely because he was an actor and he wasn't a real cowboy. What's that? Neither was your grandfather. My grandfather died of asbestos poisoning, Marcus, when he was 64 years old.

And he forgave my grandmother on his deathbed for being such a terrible wife. Yeah, but asbestos poisoning has nothing to do with being a cowboy. In fact, one would argue it is the opposite of cowboying. It means you're housebound. Yeah. You know what else is the opposite of cowboying. It means you're housebound. Yeah. You know what else is the opposite of cowboying? Running the Holocaust. This was my American grandfather.

They're all the same. No, they're not. Oh, my God. That's pathetic, Ed. Cheap shot. Cheap shot. Great man, my grandfather. Man of the world he was.

Very successful. He helped a lot of impoverished people out. Thank Eric Kissel. Google him. You'll understand what he's done. But what I am saying is that seems like a fun saddle for me to sit on. Well, why don't you go to Dr. Scholl's and pitch this idea? You got like a billion dollar idea.

I don't have health insurance. Yeah, for a man that's never actually ridden a horse before. I would have one of those saddles for sure. This Dr. Scholl Gellon saddle. Yeah, why not? You've been riding horses? I ride them all the time. You know, we should start.

Maybe this icing, get rid of all the fucking bicycles in this goddamn town. I agree with that. Fill it with horses. Outlaw bicycles, bring in horses. Horse lane only. Let's take it back.

Horse lane only. It's like the Nick. I'm with you, Eddie. You ever watch the Nick on Cinemax? No, but I hear fantastic things. People like it. Yeah, they're doing heroin and riding horses around the city. It's like the Nick. I'm with you, Eddie. You ever watch the Nick on Cinemax? No, but I hear fantastic things. People like it. Yeah, they're doing heroin and riding horses around the city. It looks perfect.

Blast. Love that. Yeah. But isn't it amazing how the horse... I don't think we show enough respect for the horse. I mean, people talk about horsepower in cars, you know, 80 horsepower, 60 horsepower. I mean, these were just actual horses pulled by wagons. One person had 10 horses.

We're going to get a 10 ten horses. I got a ten horsepower wagon. I mean, it's amazing. This was considered the fastest wagon around. I have immense respect for the horse. The horse is one of the most phenomenal creatures in the face of the planet. I feel like we do need a horse for mayor. You ever slap a horse? No, I would never slap a horse.

Me neither. It's a really bad idea. You're like an Indian with the cow. You're the horse. You're like an Indian with the cow. You are the horse. You're like worshipping the horse. I would work... Yes, of course, Indian, not Native American Indian, but... Those are native... We don't call those Indians anymore.

We're not... They're just Native Americans. Yeah, I feel like we need to respect the more... We need to respect the horse more in this society. I thought there were more eagle worshipers. The Native Americans. He's talking about Indians. Indians love the cow.

We were talking before about those people in India. There's a bunch of them. And they love a cow. I thought you meant like how people. No. That's Native Americans, Jackie. Eagle lovers. Who doesn't love an eagle?

I love an eagle. I don't like the Philadelphia Eagles Those people are animals But that's a football team I think the Republicans love the eagle the most Everybody loves eagles Their wingspan is delirious But they like to have the eagle on their profile picture on Twitter

Republicans are the donkey or the elephant? Republicans are the elephant And Democrats are the donkey Yeah, elephant? Republicans are the elephant and Democrats are the donkey. Yeah, because my father always said, yeah, because the Democrats are the ass. And I was like, very inventive, father. Why did they pick the donkey? Because they're stubborn.

It's so stupid. I believe it goes all the way back to some bull moose nonsense. I think it was a political cartoon that just caught on. Wasn't that back then, though, when the Democrats were actually Republicans? when it's like we had goldbacks? The Democrats were in charge of everything negative that ever happened in this country

way back until the 60s. You mean conservatives. They were conservative down south. Well, a little bit. They were conservative. Conservatives are always wrong socially. That's true. No, not always. They were right for a whole series of years when Lincoln was running as one. He wasn't a conservative.

Well, he was a Republican. Yeah, but not conservative. He could be considered a liberal. It's a cow Christmas. Moo, moo, moo, moo. Okay, it was a fuck you. It was Andrew Jackson, that old psychopath. Piece of shit.

Yeah, but he's on the $20 bill. Not anymore. No, sack of your way up. He's probably on the $20 bill not anymore no sack of joey will be on the $20 bill still really they're not getting rid of them oh it's the $10 bill oh it's the $10 bill hamilton no one cares about hamilton they're getting rid of hamilton they're keeping jackson no god damn it it's too late ed no hamilton too late that's not what's happening it is what's happening christmas they're getting rid rid of Jackson because he's a fucking murderer. They're all murderers.

But he's the worst one. Jackson is the worst one. Can we have some respect for the founding fathers here, please? Andrew Jackson's not a founding father. He burnt down the White House because he's a drunken wreck. Burn it down then. Team Trump. I can't even deal with it. Where's Joss A. Bank?

I hate you without Joss A. Bank. Joseph A. Bank. And it's on 53rd and Madison. Why is your blazer all the way up there? Next news story. I'll do it, Marcus. Next news story. You could go to the regular store.

If I hear one more word from anybody around me, I'm going to freak out. This blazer is so big and so cream flavored. How big and cream flavored is it? You could kill a donkey with it. I could kill a donkey with it. Andrew Jackson did a lot of very good things for the country. I know he wasn't a founding father, but let's show some respect to currency.

Harriet Tubman, though, right? Maybe Harriet Tubman. Ulysses S. Grant sucked, too. Let's move on. His middle name was just S. It didn't have a period afterwards. That's all I remember about Ulysses S. Grant. Got the dumb dad. Also a drunk.

I mean, wrong. No, he was a particularly bad drunk. It's a dumb dad. Also a drunk. I mean, wrong. No, he was a particularly bad drunk. It's the chops. He went from being a drunk to president in like 10 years. Oh, for all of us yet. Mm-hmm. Truly is. All right, next news story. Chicken news.

Oh, Bacock. By the way, chicken news has never happened before. No, I love it. No, there's been plenty of chicken news. I remember there being chickens. You hold them by the feet upside down. They don't do nothing. Don't they go to sleep?

Yeah, you go to sleep and you can spin them around. They love it. Yeah, you can slam them against the wall if you want. We got a fan in the room. Marcus, am I right? I don't know, man. We have a longtime listener, a fan in the room. Marcus, am I right? I don't know, man. We have a long-time listener or fan in the room. Has there ever been chicken news before?

Come on up to the microphone and answer the question. Well, I don't want to tell you about how to do your job, by the way, but didn't chicken news come first? Chicken and horse? I don't know. It just doesn't sound right. Ever been chicken news before? Yeah!

We got chickens in the house! Chickens in the house! If anybody would know, it'd be a chicken. Now we're finally playing to our audience. Three people are claiming ownership of a small brown chicken that fouled up rush

hour traffic in the San Francisco Bay area earlier this week. The Oakland Tribune reports Friday that the Oakland Animal Shelter has the chicken that strutted between cars at the Bay Bridge Toll Plaza early Wednesday. She was eventually captured by the California Highway Patrol.

Animal Services Director Rebecca Katz says people claiming ownership for the chicken, named Chip, California Highway Patrol, need to come to the facility with proof such as previous photos of the famous foul. Two rescue groups are also

interested in Chip. On Thursday, Chip laid an egg, but the shelter will most likely swap in a substitute egg for her to sit on because it doesn't want any more chickens. Put a nail in its head and eat it. You know what? I'm kind of with Ed on this one

I don't know It's a chicken You know it's these sanctuary cities They welcome in all the chickens This chicken's gonna kill Kate On the boardwalk Yeah Who gives a fuck

So did people stop their cars And get out And really cause a very dangerous situation to humans? It's a chicken. It's not a mammal. You just hit it. I would feel bad because I'd be like, oh, that food. It's like if there was a head of lettuce on the road.

And a chicken won't even hurt your car. It's like I would swerve out of the way for turtles because a turtle will fuck up my engine. But a chicken, who gives a fuck? Turtles are cuter than a chicken. Who gives a cluck, I guess. You motherfuckers. Good job, Jackie.

That's why this is one of the best podcasts that's ever existed. Because Jackie Zebrowski is on point. My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty. Stop it! Good job, guys.

Thank you. You know, this wasn't the only bird messing up traffic in Southern California on that day. Oh my God, are you serious? There was a goose fucking up Highway 101. Fuck goose, man. I hate goose. Geese. Geese. I, man. I hate goose. Geese. Geese.

I like saying, I hate goose. I hate goose. It's the Ukrainian side. Yeah, that was the exact word. I hate goose. They always shit in the yard. Yeah. Big ass shits, too.

Everywhere the dogs eat it, get all sick. Fuck a goddamn goose. Just reminded me of that Tom Cruise feature film, Goose In It. What was that called? Top Gun. Oh, man. Wait, that was Dr. Green, right? Anthony Edwards. Also in Pet Sematary 2 with Edward Furlong. Oh, and Edward Furlong's

career is doing great. No brain, no pain. Anthony Edwards fucks up track all the time, too. He drives like shit. He does He's the Caitlyn Jenner of driving Always murdering people No dick

Just a second Caitlyn has a dick She has a dick then why the fuck am I calling her Caitlyn Because she hasn't had the full transformation Bruce Jenner killed somebody Caitlyn Jenner hasn't killed anybody. Hasn't killed anybody. Exactly. We've discussed it.

You know, I don't need your intolerance. Thank you. Thank you. Maybe she'll get off. So they stopped traffic there

because of these goddamn little fowls. Yeah, they stopped traffic. I hate goose. I hate the goose. I hate goose. I hate goose. I hate the goose. I hate goose. I hate goose.

Fuck goose, man. Low and like goose. And then the goose eventually just flew off to a golf course and they just forgot about it. I mean, like you do. But you hate a goose on a golf course, too. But what is this in human nature, though? To kill goose? No.

When somebody sees a chicken or a goose or whatever it might be a cow yeah eat it well we i guarantee you the people who stopped for that chicken immediately went and they went to chick-fil-a or they went to popeyes they went to kfc or they went to mcdonald's they went to chipotle what is it when people are actually confronted with an animal they don't want to kill it but in the meanwhile they're so hypocritical where they immediately go and gorge themselves on a mass amount of product that is actually that animal. They don't want it to fuck up their car. Yeah, that's good.

A goose will fuck up your car. There's a squirrel that gives a shit. Yeah. I've hit a dog before, too. I cried for many hours. You have to. It's a dog. But it also didn't fuck up my car that bad.

I feel like we need those PETA ads. What kind of dog? I don't know. I feel like we need those PETA ads. What kind of dog? I don't know. I saw it come out. I hit it. And I stopped. And I went out to go look for it. And I couldn't find it.

And then I went home. And I just sobbed. But I know I hit it. And there was blood all over the front of my car. I saw a groundhog dead in the road yesterday in New Jersey. First time I ever saw a groundhog. Sad he was dead. They're bigger than you'd think.

And they're sweet creatures. I don't know if they are sweet creatures. They are. And by the way, they're funny. Oh yeah, didn't the mayor kill a ground hog? Let's talk about it. Bill de Blasio. Bill de Blasio? I thought the Bloomberg killed the great... May I have a second? It was Bloomberg. No, it was de Blasio. Bill de

Blasio. Did he kill the Staten Island one? The fake one? Not the fake one. That's the joke. What do Island one? The fake one? Not the fake one. That's the joke. What do you mean? Staten Island Chuck. There's one groundhog in Puxatawney. We learned this from the movie that we all love. Staten Island decides they're going to have a fucking groundhog,

which probably isn't even a groundhog. And also Staten Island. A little guinea kid that they fucking dress up. Maybe a rat. That's right. He dropped it. Chris, you're from Staten Island? Yeah.

That makes so much sense. I'm not happy about it. It doesn't matter. Mayor Bill de Blasio, the city is going downhill. This is the worst New York City has ever been since 1987. It's the bestest naked women in Times Square. They're covered in paint. I know. It's a hassle. It was just a girl on

Right. De Blasio killed a groundhog. Marcus, do you have that story? It's a hassle. It was just a girl on... Right. de Blasio killed a groundhog. Marcus, do you have that story? It's a blast from the past. Oh, yeah. The de Blasio administration tried to cover it up. That's what I've got for the New York Post. A week after his honor dropped Staten Island Chuck

in front of a crowd of spectators on February 2nd, the winter weather prognosticator died of internal injuries, and then the cover-up began. Staten Island Zoo officials went to great lengths to hide the death from the public and keep secret the fact that Chuck was actually Charlotte, a female impersonator. Bill de Blasio killed Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah, it's the groundhog version. Yeah, the stand-in was found dead in her enclosure at the Staten Island Zoo on February 9th,

and the necropsy determined she died from acute internal injuries, said sources. Bill de Blasio is 6'7". He's 6'7". He fucking slam-dunked this groundhog. He slam-dunked the groundhog. He's the worst mayor of all time. He can't even hold a groundhog. He made five points

off that fucking Charlotte, man. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Instead of revealing the sad loss, the zoo, which gets nearly half of its $3.5 million in annual funding from the city. $3.5 million for a zoo? For a zoo?

And that zoo is a hunk of shit. They are not spending any of that money on the zoo. $3.5 million a year for the Staten Island Zoo? When the Democrats run everything, that's what happens. And every kid on Staten Island has got to go to the Bronx Zoo.

That's the zoo. But we have to dig deeper, Marcus. We have to make sure this stops. Yeah, the zoo told the staff to keep the mayor's office in the dark about the animal's fate, and they only told a few zoo supporters. They get a new groundhog?

Well, they did replace the groundhog, yes. With a bitch groundhog. But that's the thing, that's the big cover-up. Is that they didn't bring out their A groundhog for his honor. They brought out the B groundhog. Hold on, they didn't bring out the fucking good groundhog for the

mayor of New York City? Because they knew he was going to drop it. Maybe he knew it was fake and said, fuck this bullshit. de Blasio doesn't know anything. He's smoking weed in Gracie Mansion. He's a pathetic mayor. He's one of the worst human beings that's ever existed in this entire state. Well, Chuck was benched because the zoo thought that he might bite de Blasio because he bought Bloomberg in 2009. Thank God he bit Bloomberg,

but you know what Bloomberg didn't do? He didn't drop the damn thing. De Blasio wilts under pressure, and this is proof of it. De Blasio's the worst mayor ever. His hands are spaghetti. What do you like de Blasio for? What are you talking? How would you like de Blasio? I like any mayor that makes everybody on Long Island

angry. I do agree that it is fun to see people Why are you talking? How would you like de Blasio? I like any mayor that makes everybody on Long Island angry. That's ridiculous. I do agree that it is fun to see people on Long Island upset. That is very, very true. Yeah. But de Blasio is the worst mayor in New York. What did he do that's so bad? What has he done that's good?

What's he done that's bad? Oh, why are the homeless, not even homeless, mentally ill? He closed down all the mental health facilities. So that's why the streets are flooded with people who are having, you know, they're eating their own toes. It's summertime and the rent's gone high. They didn't have homes to begin with, but they did have a place that the city used to finance under Bloomberg where they could be taken care of. This is the wrong podcast for this. I'm curious.

It is the truth. We'll talk about it on Top Hat. I can talk to you. de Blasio, he's a racist. He's a bigot. He's a racist. He's a terrible. He's one of the black lesbians. He has to like everybody.

Oh my God, superficial. I lived with a black woman for two years and I'm kind of racist. It doesn't matter. But not when... Somebody. And he got you on one, Marcus. I tell you, five years going on this damn show. We're all drunk as hell when we do it.

I think Eddie finally got you on a soundbite. Goddamn, it took 257 episodes to get a soundbite. But hey, at least I'm admitting it, right? Yeah, I'm all right. I mean, I'm just saying what everyone's thinking. Am I right? Just a second. All right.

Good God. Well, speaking of de Blasio, he couldn't get his groundhog killing claws anywhere near the 2015 version of Staten Island Chuck. You know why? Because this last February, they put a plexiglass enclosure between the mayor and the groundhog. They won't let him touch. He killed the last groundhog. Yeah, absolutely. You can't let him touch. He killed the last groundhog. Yeah, absolutely.

You can't let him touch it again. No, he's a moron. Yeah, whether you like it or not, you have to admit. He was even holding gloves. Anyway, he had gloves in his hands, holding gloves. I guess whenever you're wearing them, you're holding them. Technically, you are holding gloves when you have gloves on. Yeah, well, I suppose.

I thought of it that way. It just sounds like he was scared of the animal. You know when an animal knows that you're scared of it and then the animal fucking freaks out. Right. That's probably what happened. It sounds like he's just

like a pussy. Yeah, that would be correct. Yeah, but we... Okay. Holding gloves or wearing gloves. I mean, you're kind of holding them, right?

Because I feel like holding is when they're not on and you're grasping them. No, but you're encased in them, though. You're encased in them. I guess you of holding them, right? Because I feel like holding is when they're not on and you're grasping them. No, but you're encasing them, though. You're encasing them. I guess you're holding them. No.

I guess. No, you're not. No, I'm with Laker. You don't have to clasp. Like a gorilla can have gloves on. But they don't have to hold the glove. Okay, say this cup is like resting on my hand. Is that holding it?

Or is that just... I think it's just gravity doing its job. I think you're holding it. I think you're holding it. Yeah, do you have, does holding, is holding synonymous with grasping? Does it have to be one or the other?

All your fingers have to touch it if you're holding it? Wait, are we talking about if you're wearing gloves, are you holding gloves? Or wearing gloves? Give us a call. Oh, yeah.

Phone lines are open. Is it holding gloves or wearing gloves? That is the dumbest conversation I have ever heard in my entire life. And I will not, Let us know. Phone lines are open. Is it holding gloves or wearing them? That is the dumbest conversation I have ever heard in my entire life. And I will not. I don't want to hear about it. No, no, no. We're not disputing. We're not disputing that wearing gloves.

You're definitely wearing them. You're definitely wearing them. Of course you're wearing them. I know you hate de Blasio. De Blasio is the worst mayor in American history. Of all mayors. That's bold. Yeah.

That's bold. Yeah, that's very bold. We're not disputing that you wear gloves, but can you also be holding gloves while wearing them? Now, Webster says that hold, the verb, is to grasp, carry, or support with one's arms or hands. So technically, you were holding that cup. Yeah, absolutely. Holding gloves. That's what I'm saying.

Can you hold with your feet? I'm sure you can. I am like... I am over it. This is my last episode. I'm done. My brain is done. I can't even come close to having any more fun in my entire life.

It also says holding can also be an embrace. Like a hug. I'm so done. Well, it also says holding can also be an embrace. Ooh, like a hug. Sometimes you need it. But really, more like that, the glove could be seen to hold you because the glove is embracing your hand. Can we move on?

I cannot believe it. I don't know. I think we're at a stalemate. I don't know if we can move on yet. You got in trouble for holding too much in high school. I hugged too much. Well, I mean, by Webster's definition, you held a little too much as well to embrace someone. It's accepted.

Well, you know, teen suicide rates are through the roof, and people need to feel love. Now, it's like when you shit in that bathtub, it was like the bathtub was holding your shit. Damn! You're off the show, Laker. Why you gotta bring up bullshit, Laker? I never shat in the tub. We know for a fact I didn't shat in the tub because I wasn't even around the...

God damn it. Go listen to the episodes of Chrisley. I recently walked by your apartment and your door was open and I was like, oh man, should I shit in the tub? Well, you did it the first time, so why don't you do it a second? You savage. Ooh, bear news. Yeah. Chicken news, bear news, cow news. Yeah.

Not like honey. Dozens of hungry bears have besieged a small town in Russia's far east, roaming the streets and attacking residents. God damn, Russia is an outlaw land. That is what a great movie. No rules, just right.

They've come... Bears have taken the streets. They're not happy with the forest anymore. In the past... This is Russia, right? This is Russia. So, I mean, this is the great bear. I mean, this makes all the sense in the world.

Yes. In the past month, more than 30 bears have entered inhabited areas in Russia's Primorsky region located between China, North Korea, and the Sea of Japan. Local authorities have had to shoot at least two animals. Luchagorsk, a town of 21,000 on the river Kontravaud near the Chinese border. 30 bears versus 21,000 people? Come on. Well, 30 bears in the entire region.

Two large bears. But that 21,000 population city has been particularly affected. Two large bears, a brown bear and a Himalayan bear are now, quote, ruling over the town, wandering the streets and scaring local people.

And Asian black bears have also been seen in a further three dozen bears are circling the town. These are black bears, not brown bears? Black bears and Asian. Oh, brown bears and Himalayan bears. I don't know what a Himalayan bear is. Can I see a picture?

Sure. We got three different, regardless, there are three types of bears. But I thought they don't usually fraternize with each other. Because that's a brown bear. Oh, that's a fuzzy-eared brown bear. Very cute. Yes. It is a cute infestation.

How many people were they killed? So far, none. What's the fucking problem? Live with the bear. That's scary. It's scary. Put those old Russian army hats on them. They'll be adorable.

Teach them to ride tricycles. Have a good time. Sure, yeah. Only in Russia, that bear video that we all love so much where he does the hula hoop, sits in the chair, plays the trumpet. Pop up a circus tent and get him to work. Make money. I want the bears to take over the town the way the monkeys took over that town in where?

India. India. Well, they take over towns in India all the time. Of course. It's a bad problem. Because there's too many people, I'd rather more monkeys. And there's too many Russians, I'd rather more monkeys. And there's too many Russians, I'd rather more bears.

The Russians are a dying people. It's a vast space with a sparse population. I understand. Imagine a bear town you could go visit. They have stores and a bar you could drink at. They wear hats. Ooh, bear bar. I'd go to a bear bar.

In Plymouth, Wisconsin, I like going to Brown Bear. Great restaurant. It's a great restaurant. What a plug there for Brown Bear. Plymouth, Wisconsin. If you're around Plymouth, go to Brown Bear. Mention Ed's name. You'll pay triple.

If you mention Adam Wurtz's name, you might get yourself a fucking, what's that cool beer? Spotted Cow. Spotted Cow Boom. Bring it all around. What's the name of the Muppet bear? Fozzie. Fozzie. No, not Fozzie.

The big one. Oh, the big one. I don't know the big one. You know what I'm talking about, right? He's one of my favorites. He's always wearing the suit. He's always wearing it. That's what I want the bear town to look like.

Bobo. Bobo. He's great. He's so funny. That's what I want the bear town to look like. Yeah. I just realized we don't have a segment Thank god there's no segment

The segment tonight is why we're so happy That Holden's not here But we did it on the top of the show We've done ways to kill Holden It's been a while And I think we should do it again I feel like no segment Drown him in pickle juice.

Pull out his eyes and shit in his fucking balls. Yeah, pull out all of his nails and shove them up his nose and watch him while he cries blind. I just wanted him to have a long life. Too much heroin. Well, I mean, that's kind of nice. Yeah, that's a nice, peaceful way. I want him to have a long life and I want him to watch everybody else succeed.

I want him to die alone. That's I want him to watch everybody else succeed and I want him to die alone. That's the best one. That's a great one. Laker, how are you killing Holden? Jeez. I mean, I like Holden. We like him too. What if you put a bonnet on him and pretend he's a baby and shove him back inside his mother's home?

Jews are going to die in an attic unless you point out Holden. And he is Jewish so he can say it like that. You already said, you know, too much heroin, that's like a G.G. Allen way to go. For every moment you stall, five more Jews die. Shoot him on stage. There we go.

You do a murder fist sketch, but there's a real gun, and then you shoot and kill him. That's cool. I'll do it. You're Brandon Lee the guy. Exactly, the crow. And Lee, exactly. The crow. Fucking piss on his family afterwards. Yeah, and then hang a midget.

Not his mom or his dad. The dog. Piss on his dog. No, the Trey Charles manuals. Can we just say no pee on anybody? Don't hurt the dog. Pee on their doorknob. Ariel. Done. Piss on all their doorknobs. Piss on all their doorknobs. Ariel. Done. Piss on all their doorknob.

Shit on their house. Shit in the house. No, you throw shit at the house. Can't buy me love. You can do a bunch of different things. Laker, what do you want to promo? What do you want to talk about? What do you want to plug? This Week in Jacket.

I'm sorry. Go ahead, Ben. Laker, what do you want to promo? What do you want to plug? Everybody should listen to This Week in Jacket. I'm sorry. Go ahead, Ben. Laker, what do you want to promo? What do you want to plug? What a loser. Everybody should listen to This Week in Jacket on Cave Comedy Radio. And you can buy my album, Moments of Greatness, on iTunes. But go listen to the podcast. Great album.

I was there for the recording. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. You killed it. Especially when you dealt with the heckler and you did a great job. That's not on there, but maybe we'll release it eventually. You should release it. You fucking nailed that guy. Who fucking heckled you while you were taping

your goddamn record? Some drunk idiot. There was this drunk couple. He literally pleaded with them. He's like, I'm recording my album. Please just help me out. I can't believe that. It was a mess

but that's a lot if you go and watch a stand-up comedy performance please just be nice and uh you want to laugh but even if you didn't want to laugh have a sip of beer if you didn't think the joke was so funny you idiot just sit there and chill out and enjoy the fact that we're only alive once and you're watching a theatrical performance that won't ever exist again um so it's like the lakers who recorded for an album no i'm saying but you you watch it one time when it records true right this is what i'm saying you have to be in the moment sorry jackie is here you can find jackie on twitter at jack the worm listen to her on sex and other human activities

don't be apologetic for your burping disappointed and, I'm so disappointed in you. Sorry, he just came out. I'm so disappointed in you, Jackie. Sorry. Why did you do that? No lips. Yeah, you got fucking damaged ass mouth. Find Eddie on Twitter, at Eddie Toons. Eddie, what's going down with you? September 12th, come see the last Murderfish show downstairs at the pit at 11 p.m.

Where's it going? We're going upstairs. Upstairs upstairs earlier time in October we move upstairs at 9.30 we're growing up you got me scared first I thought it was the last murder fish show yeah we're all breaking up no it's perfectly fine

the group's still together but we're going out hard we gotta do it an hour and a half instead of an hour it's gonna be a lot of fun come out and check it out Henry's flying in for it and we're going to fucking bring it hard. October? September 12th. Next Saturday. Alright, yeah, I'll be there. It's coming up.

Alright, you can find Marcus on Twitter at Marcus Parks. I'm on Twitter at Van Kissel. You can listen to us on Top Hat last podcast. Eddie's on Brighter Side. Oh, oh, can I I don't have a fantasy football team so if you need a guy for your fantasy football team send me a facebook message yeah i'll make one for you now i'm talking to you

called sluts sluts and football that'll be the name of my team if you let me be in your league jackie will help me run it and she'll help talk shit yeah but only hot men play it yeah that's how fantasy football works yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always the most athletic men that play fantasy football. Yeah. Ndamukong Su! All right, I guess that's it, huh, Marcus?

Yeah, that's it. Talk to him soon and all that stuff. Let's get out of here. Goodbye. Kiss a Jew! Wow. Oh, man. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

go to cavecomedyradio.com.