The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 258: A Tough Brunch

Episode Date: September 14, 2015

It's a heavy dogs-in-China episode as a small town threatens residents that either they kill their pet dogs themselves or the government will come and beat them to death in front of said residents while a growing middle class in China is speaking out against the eating of dogs. Joining us today: Amber Nelson and Jordan Temple!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I don't understand your art, man. Yeah,ility. I understand your art, man. That last one got a great response. Legitimately, people were like, that's the best one yet.

And then they said it was one of the best podcasts I've ever heard. I thought it was the worst one. I liked that one. That's the one I sat in the room for. There you go. I think it was my energy that helped you. I think it was probably you. In fact, yes. Our prayer today is in praise of Ed's energy. Thank you. It was, yes, that's our prayer today is in praise of Ed's energy. Thank you.

It was negative to me earlier, Marcus. Was he negative to you? You were being negative. You were being negative to Kepper. Yeah, because he's unfriended me. He unfriended you on Facebook? No, he didn't unfriend me. He sent me a text. Oh, he unfriended you. Yeah, because I said a positive Packers

thing. I said something positive about the Green Bay Packers. And he got, because I said a positive Packers thing. I said something positive about the Green Bay Packers. And he got mad because he's a Dolphins fan. There we go. I think there's something more to it, though. Well, he thought you were a Dolphins fan. He thought you were one of them. I always say go, do that, do that, and then go back, go back. Well, here is to Ed's energy.

May it forever stay thick and cheese-like. Ah, yes. Amen. Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team. They take the ball from goal to goal like no one's ever seen. They're in the air, they're on the ground, they're always in control. And when you say Miami, you're talking Super Bowl. But are you?

Miami Dolphins. When were they at the Super Bowl? 76? No, the last... 1982. Did they win? No, they lost. 76 was the last time they won, right?

72. Was it 72? 73 was the last time they won, but the undefeated season was 72. Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl, right? No, he only went once his second year. They never play in the cold. That's their thing, right? They can't do anything. Yeah second year. They never play in the cold. That's their thing, right? They can't do anything. It's tough to play

in the cold. They're dolphins. Jordan left before the show started. He did. He ordered a taco. Which is good radio. It's great radio. It's like, hey, the show starts at 530. Oh, I better order a taco. I don't want to talk about how livid I am

right now. Because he just got a taco. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to talk about how livid I am right now. Why are you mad? Because he just got a taco. The show literally just started. You didn't know. No, it's fine. Hey, man, it's Holden's fault. You know what?

I agree with that. He wanted to order a taco like 20 minutes ago. I said, no, the show's about to start. And then it didn't start. And then he was like, all right, I'm going to finally order a taco now. So Lupe's going to get it. Lupe! Lupe!

He gets F-L-O-R-I-D-A S-T-A-T-E For a state, for a state, for a state Woo That is the Florida State chant And that is also the only thing you have to do to graduate From the university You have to be able to spell it

They teach it to you the first day you get there at orientation And then you do it and you leave That's great Marcus, I'm still unaware, did you pray? Yeah, it was to Ed's big thick energy Teach it to you the first day you get there at orientation. And then you do it and you leave. That's great. Marcus, I'm still unaware. Did you pray? Yeah, it was to Ed's big, thick energy. Okay.

Amen, then. All right. So welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Ed has just pulled a knife on me. So that literally just happened. He was across the table. It was still a knife pulled. It's brandished, yeah. That was like a knife that fixes your glasses, your eyeglasses.

That wasn't a real one. It was a corkscrew. I'm coming for you, big guy. All right, so Jordan has his taco. That's perfect. Good. It is soft shell, so it won't make the crunchies when he's eating it. And I appreciate that.

Do you guys remember when Holden used to order just a bunch of chips before the show and just slam those down his fat gullet? That was like six months ago. Eat them right in front, just right on the microphone, just chomping on those chips. I picture like you open your mouth and a lizard comes out of your throat and then you just feed the lizard the chip. And then it goes back in. Speaking of which, Holdenators, ho! I got to give some shout outs to PlayStation Network peeps.

Shut up to you and your fucking Josh Rogers wants me to call him a fucking idiot and Massimune and Zach Mac 27 27 also wants me to call them a fucking idiot Fire Dog 118 Fire Dog

118 Dash 118 was molested by Tony Hawk and Louis Bannister is a fucking retard. Oh, Louis ain't a retard. Don't say that about him. He asked me to call him. They want me to call them that. You ever talk to him before?

He lives in the middle of nowhere in England. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Do you know there was a disease, like a mental disorder, people that live in the middle of nowhere, they would imagine chimney sweeps would come down their chimneys and then dance around because their brains were so void of entertainment. They would just imagine a chimney sweep would come in. That's kind of exciting.

All right, sitting in for Jackie Zebrowski, Amber Nelson. Hi, Jackie Zebrowski. That's terrible. I don't even know what that is, but it was offensive. It's what Jackie do. It's what Jackie do. It's what Jackie do. That's not what Jackie do. WWJD, what would Jackie do?

I love it. Sitting for Kevin Barnett, let's just check. And the taco's down. Okay. Who's here? I wouldn't eat. Yeah, it's good. Jordan Temple here.

I'm good eating some tacos. Feeling real good about it. Yeah, it's good. Jordan Temple here. I'm good eating some tacos. Feeling real good about it. Feel good about my life. What kind of tacos are those? Soft shell. With a bunch of lettuce. I see some beef. It's some beef. Gotta get protein. Been trying to eat better.

I like to eat alone without any pants or shirts on and things like that. If you're not wearing clothes, you can't stain them. Which is kind of fun. Still chugging down those Domino's pizzas? I'm on to Papa John's because it reopened in Williamsburg. Very nice. Love the garlic dip.

Yeah. Love the garlic dip. It's on your skin. You still get stains? Oh, no, you can't get skin stains. No, it'll wash right out. Anyway, it really does. It'll wash right out. Anyway, it really does. I think so, yeah.

Ed, you're here. Yeah, man. Where the fuck else would I be, babe? I don't know. I went to Jose Bank today on your recommendation, and they ripped me off. I don't understand what happened. Jose Bank. $75 for a shirt.

But that's kind of the going. You go down to Men's Warehouse, you're paying $100. Fucking cocksuckers. Yeah. $25. That's how much I want to pay for a shirt. Well then why didn't you go to Kmart near Union Square? It was out of my way. Well, there you go. Convenience.

$50 convenience charge. That's it. No, Joseph A. Bank is just one of the best. Are they paying you money to say that? No. It's all you've been talking about for two weeks. Well, I love it. Oh, it's Joseph A. Banks.

If you are listening, please send three XXX large shirts to the creek. Yep. For Ed Larson and Ben Kissel. Yeah, yeah. We'll split the third one. We'll fight over it. Man, I don't need big XL shit except for my neck. And then my neck's just too goddamn big.

It's strong, Eddie. When the guy measured my neck today, he literally went, whoa. It was fucking ridiculous. What's your size? 19 and a half on the neck. I'm 17 and a half, so you got a bigger neck than me. Finally. Fucking finally.

Ed's got the big, gross neck. No, it's just big. It's not gross. It's proportional. I think you're a 16, but that one bump. A bump. An inch and a half. An inch and a half.

It depends on where you measure. This bump right here. I look like a Mad Max villain. And your head's tiny. Yes. You got a bump on your neck, Holden? Multiple bumps. Do you ever check that shit out?

Yes, yes, yes. It's just dead skin cells. You got to be scared of the mold. I mean, not mold, the moles. Sorry, I'm brain dead this morning, this day. What time is it? It's six o'clock. I woke up two hours ago.

It's showtime. Showtime. All right. Jordan's done with his- Oh, no, Jordan's doing flips. Oh, my God. Whoa, you should see me now, Mom. You should see me now done with his. Oh, no. Jordan's doing flips. Oh, my God. Whoa. You should see me now, mom.

You should see me now. I don't have any money. Hey, at least buy my Snickers balls. Oh, they falling out my pocket. Oh, man. I'm a 17 and a half inch neck as well. Hold on. But I'm a six foot seven.

No shit. We're all getting fucking measured for suits these days. I'm a 12 neck because my dad's an ostrich. Good point. I bet you guys didn't know about that. My neck is this big. Two hands. I should do it like that.

That's a tiny neck. That's not how you measure it. You got to do inches there. Everyone just put their hands around their necks right now. It's like we're jerking off in some sort of bizarre sixth grade fetish class. My neck is too holding hands. Do you think you can jerk off your neck and then just say the dumbest shit? Us, us, retards are faggots.

Let's bleep it all out. What is happening here? They are, though. They're not. Good God. What is happening? All right, Mark. They usually are.

That's not true. There's no evidence. Let's just say they'll try anything. Yeah, they got that strength, you know. Alright, so there we go. We got all that happening. Alright, Marcus, what's the first news story? A Chinese district government is giving dog owners a stark choice. Get rid of your

pets or we'll come to your home and kill them ourselves. That's nicer than Chinese food. Even in a country where dog ownership is tightly regulated, the order issued this week by Dayang New District in the eastern city of Jinan is extreme. The notice posted on gate posts around the community said, no person is permitted to keep a dog of any kind.

Deal with it on your own, or else the committee will organize people to enter your home and club the dog to death right there. What? What's wrong with these people? Well, what is the deal? This is so crazy. There must be some rationale behind not allowing the dogs in the house, right?

They want to do it in front of you? Well, you have to teach them a lesson. Is it just overpopulated? Is that why? It's a really weird one. It says that regional governments have killed stray animals before, but De Yang's order also covers dogs that have been registered and vaccinated. Calls often follow outbreaks of rabies,

a disease that kills about 2,000 Chinese people each year, but the order cites only the maintenance of environmental hygiene and, quote, everyone's normal lives as reasons. 2,000 Chinese people. China's huge. 2,000 Chinese people is like one guy from Kansas, you know? Yeah.

Well, it's still 2,000. The math doesn't change. Not that many people in America die of fucking rabies. No one in America dies of rabies. Very rarely. Maybe a couple of male men. Do they not have the vaccine that we have? They must.

Oh, I mean, they have the vaccine that all of us have, clubbing the dog to death before it can bite you. Did you guys see, by the way, on 125th Street in the Bronx, two pit bulls attacked a man this past week. I believe it was Friday or maybe Saturday morning yeah it was absolutely insane did you see the footage Eddie no but they damn near did and the guy had to go to the hospital and I think he's in like critical condition yeah he was just walking down the street and this guy was walking two dogs on a leash and they just attacked him and there's

video of it for like three minutes and the guy's bleeding all over the street can you imagine that in New York City 125th street getting torn apart by dogs like how did how did your grandfather die dogs like you think that's like alaska or something like in a urban society it's a nightmare i believe it yeah those are fucking evil that's just the one that just got caught on fucking camera you know yeah i don't know it looked brutal i didn't realize how you know you look at dogs and you see the Sarah McLachlan videos, the eyes of the angels, and you see them behind the cages and they're crying. And all you do is have sympathy for them. We very rarely see a violent dog because we've done such a good job of domesticating them.

This video just shook me up. There's a whole subculture of people that love mean ass, fighting mean ass dogs. Love to fight them crack and make them fight and shit. Jesus, they're feeding them crack? Oh, I feed them a bunch of crack. Good. I think you're making, Jordan, I think you're making that up. I don't know.

It's true. I live in the projects. They feed them crack. I was about to say, I think you're making that up and I think Holden is believing you because you're black. They're feeding them gunpowder, Marcus. Why would you feed them gunpowder? Believe me, not because I'm black, but because I'm right. And're feeding them gunpowder, Marcus. You should believe me not because I'm black

but because I'm right and those two are not synonymous. Why would you feed a dog gunpowder? So they're Matt. Fucking Biggie even had it in the rhyme. He's like something, something, something. He's like I got the black

pounds loaded in the clip and he's like and I got my pit bulls and I feed them gunpowder so they can devour the criminals. Trying to drop my decimals. But that's not just a sort of a metaphor. No, man. That's not the metaphor at all. He's just got real mean dogs. He was in the studio actually feeding them gunpowder while he was rapping that verse.

Isn't there a Simple Man by Leonard Skinner? Actually, you know what? Good song. Good song. It's a real solid song. Jordan's right. If you wait until after the credits of Selma, at the very end,

it's just a shot of a black dude feeding a dog gunpowder. I forgot about that. But you have to wait until the end. It's a little sad. Is this an analogy for crack gunpowder? No, that's a real thing. Gunpowder? I've seen people do it.

Damn, can you snort gunpowder? I guess you can snort anything. Only a dog can. Anything you want to put in your nose, I guess you can snort. Well, that's so true. And that's one of the differences between white and black culture. You have the dogs playing poker. We think they're smoking cigars.

In reality, it's a whole bunch of crack. Yeah. Isn't that farting fire with that gunpowder in their bellies? That's not real. Dogs can't play poker, but they can snort gunpowder. I guess so. And what does gunpowder do to aies. That's not real. Dogs can't play poker, but they can snort gunpowder. I guess so. What does gunpowder do to a dog? It makes them angry. It makes them fight. They put them in the dog fights

and the one who snorts the most gunpowder wins. That's how it works. That's dog politics. I don't like dog politics, man. You gotta love dogs. He's true. What? This whole thing's true. Cracking gunpowder? No, why does gunpowder make pit bulls aggressive?

it's on Yahoo Answers oh well it's gotta be real and it's horrific apparently it tears up the stomach lining the dog is in pain and that's why it gets aggressive

because it's stomach is literally being eaten away exploding even well do you want to apologize? exploding do you want to apologize? Exploding.

Do you want to apologize for black culture for feeding dogs gunpowder? Do whatever is going to help you get from that single cheeseburger to a double cheeseburger. You've got to get off the dollar menu, man. It is a difference in culture. I watched a great documentary

and it was negative towards the Westminster Dog Show. What they do with the breeding of these dogs, they've shortened their snout so much they can no longer breathe. This is how white people destroy dogs genetically through you know... We play the long game. The long

game and we've ruined these creatures. Do you think a rich person's ever gotten their dog plastic surgery? Yes, they have. Absolutely. Reconstructive dick surgery. To make their ears. Sometimes they don't want a pink one. They get out a purple one or whatever the hell. It's a real big thing in South Korea

right now. They make them smile a lot. They do a surgery where the dog is constantly perma-smiling. Like the Joker did in 89's Batman. South Korea has a funny thing where it shows all of the contestants for like their beauty pageant and they all look the same because they all got the same plastic surgery

and every single one looks identical the only thing different about them is their hairstyle and the length of their penises they tend to be boys ah you're thinking of Taiwan I can't believe Thailand or the Philippines there's a whole third gender the lady boy I can't think of Taiwan. Oh, yeah. I can't believe. No, Thailand. Thailand. Or the Philippines.

Either way. Yeah, the Philippines. There's a whole third gender, the lady boy. Is that where? Taiwan is where Sagat is from? He's from Thailand. Okay. Yeah.

It reminds me of the Subway sandwich flavor, the Thai creamy curry. Creamy Thai curry. Don't get that, because that's got the cum in it? Yeah, it's got the little boy cum in it. Well, we don't talk about what Jared did to those poor children. Oh, man. I have to eat at Subway. I literally, this is a funny conversation.

I don't know if it is or not. But I walked by a Subway. We'll be the judge. You'll be the judge. You'll be the judge. Let's try it on for size, Ben. We throw it out to the audience. They be the judge.

But no, I walked by a Subway, and I wanted Subway sandwiches so bad. The day after Jared was busted for being part of a large pedophile ring and molesting all these 14 children. And I didn't go in. And then I went in seven days later, and I was like, I think I can have Subway now. What was the length of time before you could have a Subway sandwich without feeling guilty, without feeling like you're aiding and abetting a pedophile? Because he got millions of dollars from this franchise. He's not still. I don't think. No, now they cut abetting a pedophile because he got millions of dollars from this franchise. He's not still.

I don't think. No, now they cut all ties. Yeah, they cut them off. But, yeah, it's not like they're putting money in his commissary. Yeah, it's all the Subway sandwiches you got in the past. Right. Fed into his. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're all complicit in this. This is why it's such a terrible thing. What are we getting when we go to Subway? What are we doing, Ben? Ooh, I used to do the grilled chicken back when it was on the $4.99 menu. They got rid of that. I got to go with the ham. Okay.

I do the chicken bacon ranch. Oh, damn. I do the six-incher salami, provolone, lettuce, tomato, onion on the nine oats and toasted is great. Nine oats. Meatball.

Meatball, yeah. I used to be doing meatball. What did you say? You are from the project Because I'm creative with my sandwiches To hide my poverty There is nothing funnier Than someone who is super elaborate

And just screaming at the sandwich artist To really get what they want done right I'm like you have no happiness in your life It's funny that they called sandwich artist And he molested all those kids because they call, it's like they call him Jared Fogle Dada,

you know? Oh. I'll tell you what, that was a lot. I got it. Yeah, you know, it was a lot simpler

on Twitter, but there's something. Can child pornography be considered art? Maybe illegal, but can it be considered art? You can do it online. It is a huge,

this is actually a gigantic, I guess, discussion among the art community like photographs of new children. Is that art? Like Serge Gainsbourg, all those Charlotte Gainsbourg pictures. Whatever that chick did

with the babies and all the flowers. And get it, pedophile. They weren't naked, Ben. They were all naked. They were in the middle of a flower nude. Yeah, constantly naked. I can't type in, Ben. They were all naked. They were in the middle of a flower nude.

Yeah, constantly naked. I can't type in naked babies. No, thank God. Yeah, let's not get the whole place shut down for Christ's sake. There's definitely a statistic out there. 50% of celebrities are pedophiles. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

George Clooney? No, no. Yeah, yeah. No, no. He gets it from his new wife. Yeah, the lawyer. No. Or whatever she is. What does she do? She's like a diplomat? She's a lawyer. No He gets it from his new wife The lawyer Or whatever she is She's a lawyer, she's a human rights lawyer

Oh, for the people Ja Rule Ja Rule's gotta be a pedophile Why are you just saying names? Jeepers Creepers The new guy who's gonna be starring as I guess the Jeeper or the Creeper Oh, there's a new Jeepers Creepers?

No, that's what it is The director of Jeepers Creepers, the new guy who's going to be starring as, I guess, the Jeeper or the Creeper. Oh, there's a new Jeepers Creepers? No. That guy's a major director. That's what it is. The director of Jeepers Creepers, all three of them, is a pedophile. He also directed Powder. Yes. And he used to invite the families onto the set of Powder a little too often. They didn't find out until halfway through the filming that he was a convicted pedophile. Yes, and now he's making the third Jeeper Creeper.

You can get away with anything in Hollywood. I don't think he's going to be making it now. Now people are making a fuss. I hope so. That's interesting how they get families to kind of be complicit in, like, you know, kind of molesting them. They don't even know. I mean, they don't know, but they're, like, super friendly to them.

They're kind of, like, cordial. Like, Michael Jackson kind of did that. Michael Jackson wasn't a pedophile though. I don't think he was, but I'm saying he did come out with Neverland Ranch after the director of Hook said he couldn't be in the movie.

And he had a secret room. Yeah, he had a secret room. Of course, it's a mansion. I want a secret room. It was a secret room with little stuffed animals. It was teddy bears. He didn't want anyone around his teddy bears.

It's fine. That's a perfectly normal thing for a grown man to want. To want no one around his teddy bears. Absolutely. He loved it. Have you seen my childhood?

Yeah, it's in room 3C. It's in the teddy bear room. Onyx, that rap group, all pedophiles. That's not true. Don't do that to Onyx. I saw them at the whiskey go-to. Let the boys be boys. Let the boys be boys.

Oh, yeah. What about back the fuck up? The Onyx is here. Oh, they fucked. Yeah, exactly. Little boy. They had to cut that line out. They used to be little boy.

Back the fuck up. Yeah. Into my penis. Yeah. Throw your guns in the air. Yeah. And wave them like you just don't care. I love the Onyx.

Yeah. Fucking hump the kid. Never know. I'm a B-Boy sitting in my B-Boy's ass. Oh, you know I can pull people up off my pants. I never know. I'm a B-boy standing in my B-boy's hands. I'll give you the microphone before I bust my pants. I love those guys.

Oh my God, they bust in their pants because they got to get the microphone from the boy. Oh no. The dark realization on everybody's face right now. That Onyx

may or may not be. You know, all to And Onyx may or may not be. Even though all the new Onyx was. I thought he was fucking around. Man, the guys from Onyx are going to come

and beat the fuck out of him. I served him a cheesesteak once. His name is Sticky Fingers? Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, the kids. Sticky F fingers in the playground don't come by.

Yep. There's all the lollipops. Who are the other guys? There's the other sticky fingers. Fred Roe Star. Sonny Caesar. The late Big The S. Big the shit?

Big D.S. Big D.S, all right. Yeah, they're from Queens. They're from Queens. They are within walking distance from where we are right now. If Onyx is listening to us, they can come here right now. Well, I can't wait to have them. I got nothing else to do.

No, I would never fuck with Onyx. I would love to talk to him about how successful their rap career was. I saw last year at the Whiskey Go-Go in L.A., 110%. I got to say. They're really going after it. That's awesome. Good for them. You know, Flo from Progressive murdered a man.

Oh, really? I'm just kidding. I made that up. Flo. Oh, fuck. So in this town in China, they're killing dogs. Oh, and by the way, guys, September 28th is World Rabies Day. So that's coming up real soon.

Can't wait to go to China and tell them how that's a shitty fucking day. Real bad day, yeah. Today is Happy Grandparents Day. Yeah. It's Grandparents Day, so we have a grandparent. And continuing with the story, people who answered calls on Friday at the district government office

said no one was available to discuss the matter. They're skirting it. However, an unidentified worker from the village committee interviewed by a local television station said the order was the will of the majority of the district's

more than 1,000 residents. The worker said, dogs are always defecating all over the place and bothering people. A lot of people were complaining, so we wrote a public notice to avoid a conflict. I mean, honestly, that video in the Bronx on 125th kind of changed my entire mind.

I guess not all dogs are nice. You're a dog nanny, Ben. I have a lot of compassion for dogs because my girlfriend works at the Humane Society. And there was a big fiasco there. This guy is in Daily News when the doctor's there actually was using the sick dogs to molest a woman. Yeah. Wait, what?

He worked with this guy too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I should have said that. With my girlfriend. We'll bleep it out. And there was like A sick dog One time A patient

Came in Yeah it was Pretending he was Petting the dogs But he really Just grabbed her titty Yeah and he used The dog's paw

To like pull down Her shirt a little bit Apparently this guy Is really fucked up He actually had Like a past job Where he used Like he like

Poisoned people Yeah Poisoned people Yeah he like Used you know Like injections Like people? Yeah, he like used, you know, like injections. Like people don't want to like live anymore or whatever. Like he used their fucking injections. That I'm not necessarily against.

He had access to poison. Oh, they wanted to, yeah. That's bad then. Yeah. That's killing. That's murdering somebody. Yeah. And then he just worked at the Humane Society.

Well, they're hard up for people to work there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is totally legit, Marcus. I remember the person that we mentioned earlier, I guess we're going to believe, but I don't think he necessarily cares. But he was real excited because that guy was like a little bit of a creeper. Well, he used a sick dog's paw to go down a woman's shirt? To pull her breasts out of her shirt.

Oh. To take her breasts out of her shirt. Oh. To take her breasts out. I mean, it's pretty inventive. It's a club to dog. Dog's complicit. Uh-oh, Snippers, Paul's getting on your boobos there. I can't believe that China, they're just clubbing dogs to death.

They're like, give us your dog so we can club it to death or we're going to kick down your door and we're going to club your dog to death. There's just no alternative. It's just this little town. It's giving them a choice. Either you can kill your dog how you feel your dog should be killed, or we are definitely going to come and beat it to death.

I guess it's more just to get them to do it themselves. Yeah, fuck that place. I don't know why anyone would go there. It's just a town in China. These dogs are obviously attacking people. But the whole continent's a garbage place. I mean't know why anyone would go there. It's just a town in China. These dogs are obviously attacking people. But the whole continent is a garbage place.

I mean, it's three billion people. Yeah, exactly. Too many people. Too many people. What if you were hard up for a job, you really needed money

and you show up and you're like, all right, today you're just going to go and club dogs to death. Yeah. If I had to feed my family, I'm going to club

a fucking Chihuahua, man. Yeah. It's going to get club a fucking Chihuahua, man. It's going to get clubbed. Chihuahua's easier to club than a golden retriever. They're fast. Great Dane? I'll club it. Really? I couldn't.

My heart, I couldn't do it. To feed your family? To feed your family? To feed your girlfriend has AIDS and you have to feed her. There's another job. My girlfriend has AIDS? She's filled with AIDS. And you have to feed her one sausage a day for her to live,

but sausage costs $20 a sausage. This is another job. There's another job. You don't have to club dogs. Your little daughter, Edwina, is starving. Do you club a dog to feed her? I mean, if I'm on the Oregon Trail, yes. Does she have dysentery?

She definitely has dysentery. She's shitting her ass, dude. You gotta feed her. There's not a lot of options in this town. Being a dog hitter is a very lucrative job. Ed, do you choose to cross the river?

Fjord. Fjord, do you choose to cross? Depends. I don't know. You gotta say yes or no. Yes. You drown. Amber, apparently the listeners know It depends. I don't know. You got to say yes or no. Yes. You drown. I don't know. So Amber, apparently the listeners know you fairly well. Rowan on the chat asks, does Amber have a sad dog story? Because it's probably likely that you have one. Oh, I mean, I don't consider it sad, but...

We used to have this dog named Penelope. It was my favorite dog. She ran up from the woods one day, and she was a woods dog. We just kind of fed her, and she kept out the bears, you know? And then one day... This is horrible.

You grew up in the same town Gummo was shot, right? Is that... Yeah. Yeah. That movie, like, makes me sick. So sick. But it was one day Penelope gave birth to a litter

we couldn't find the litter and then we found a stream and she had left all of her newborn puppies on a log to be killed and my brothers were like oh my god

that's so sad let's try to save and they managed to save two the others were swept away and drowned immediately and we raised them and they were the dumbest piece of shit dogs. I was like, you're right to have wanted to kill them.

She knew. She knew. Animals can smell sickness and stupidity. She was like, throw them in the river. Scratch it. Start over. Just scratch it. Do it all over again. Put them on a log and push the log out.

Gunky Punk asks, a woods dog? Yeah yeah it's a dog that came from the woods it was like a wolf amber it's in the name i mean it should be self-explanatory but i'm kind of a gunky punk on this one well we lived in georgia in the middle there were 40 acres around us we didn't own it but it was like in the middle of nothing. So just sometimes animals would just show up. Alright. Oh, and by the way, as far as dogs in China go, there's starting to be a backlash

against eating dogs in China. The Yulin Dog Meat Festival is facing an increasing backlash from within China after years of international criticism. About 10,000 dogs are likely to be slaughtered during this year's event. The pictures from that are disgraceful. Are they real pictures?

I mean, there's, you know. Oh, my God. I mean, there's, yeah. It's just like, that's a tame one. Oh, they hang them? They have, like, giant carts of skin dogs that they're just, like, walking around with. It's upsetting. That's not that upsetting.

That's normal. I don't know. That's the thing. Every culture decides what they deem to be food and what they deem to be domesticated. I mean, can you imagine what the Indian people think about the idea that we have McDonald's all over this country? I mean, we're literally eating their god

on a daily basis. Goddamn heartless Chinese. I don't know. I'm pro-human, I will say. So if you're starving and you're in China and you had to eat a dog, which is how all murder and eating began, if it happens to be a dog, it happens to be a dog. Yeah, I would eat a dog if I was very hungry. I would eat a dog. Well, there's the interesting thing about it.

What's going on in China is that apparently China has a growing middle class, as we know, as China catches up with the rest of the world economically. Catches up? Destroys and dominates? Well, that too. But there's a growing middle class, so a lot of these middle class Chinese people are starting to get dogs. So now they're starting to form the same emotional attachment that Westerners have attached to dogs over the years. Now, in the eastern countries where dogs were once just

rabies nuisances that you could eat, now that they're becoming more westernized, they don't like killing dogs anymore. I agree with that. I would say I would never eat bacon again if we would domesticate the pot belly. I love a pot belly pig. Oh yeah, I love a pot belly pig.

You can turkey bacon. Turkey bacon tastes good with the same seasoning. And you know what? They're not like fluffy. You don't want to pet a pig. Yes, you do. I would eat. Skin.

You're petting skin. Fun fact about pigs, when they are in a pen, like when you kept them domesticated and they give birth, the farmers have to immediately remove the babies because the pigs will eat the babies. But pigs in the wild raise their children. But the captive pigs... Pigs are vicious animals. I'm sure they are. That's why I would have no problem owning

a pot-bellied pig and eating a big pork chop with the pig on my lap. Because he'd love it too. I'd have no problem at all because they're vicious animals. And that makes them good. They eat people. They've eaten people.

If you want to get rid of a body, feed it to a bunch of pigs. Dogs and people. Didn't Kim Jong-un feed his family member to a bunch of dogs? I think that was a myth, but I'm sure that he did. He definitely shot his uncle with a missile launcher. Did you hear about that? That's fucking a public television.

He had a lot of fun cleaning out half of that government. Oh, Oon. Oon. Yeah, Kim Jong-un. He had a lot of fun cleaning out half of that government. Am I the only one who knows about this? He shot his uncle with a missile launcher in front of everybody. Nice.

No, I didn't, but I believe it. Well, that was the whole thing. Kim Jong-un soon came in. He everybody. Nice. No, I didn't, but I believe it. Well, that was the whole thing. Kim Jong-soon came in. He had his people. When Kim Jong-il came in in, what was it, 94, he murdered half of the government, kept half, and then Un kills the half that Il liked, and now he's got the Un friends in there,

and now he has another half. So the next person who comes, I don't think he has a, I don't know if he has a son or not. Well, he got married. You just always kill, yeah, he murdered his first wife because he got remarried, and then she was not happy with the ex-wife, and then she or not. Well, he got married. You just always kill... Yeah, he murdered his first wife because he got remarried, and then she was not happy with the ex-wife, and then she was murdered.

That's right, yeah. He publicly executed his uncle with an anti-aircraft gun for falling asleep during a meeting. He was bored! Oh, my God. He killed another uncle for not clapping hard enough while Kim Jong-un was giving a speech. And every time he does it, he takes a picture of the dead body, has a jigsaw puzzle made out of it, and makes all the family members put the puzzle together.

Ooh, that's kind of exciting to see what happens. Well, look at this. He killed this old man for dozing off. He's an old man. Of course he's going to doze off everyone. I can tell if he's asleep or not. He's an ill supporter. Could you imagine how boring those fucking North Korea

meetings must be? Oh, boring? No! They're just yelling and screaming for an hour. Are they? Oh, yeah, man. I'm so hungry, sir. Yeah, and those are the well-fed ones. Please. Please, sir. Yeah, it is a lot of that. Just like, do we get sandwiches

at this meeting? Oh, my God. Why am I speaking? What accent is that? I don't know. Do we get sandwiches? That meeting? Oh my god Why am I speaking? What accent is that? I don't know Do we get sandwiches? That's all they talk, right? Ogie gong wing I don't know Ogie gong wing?

Ogie gong wing Also, they like eggs marinated in virgin boy piss Yeah, we've talked about this at length on the show Oh yeah I mentioned that over at brunch a few weeks ago. Nobody liked it. Nope. I'm sure they didn't.

Yeah, you must be a tough brunch. I bet you're a tough brunch. You weren't on Mott Street, were you? That's in Chinatown. I think it would be better if poor people over here started eating dogs. I think that would work. I mean, I'm sure they do. I mean, there are parts of the South that'm sure they do. Nah, not enough.

I mean, there are parts of the South that are just a third world country, straight up. I just feel like there are too many fucking crust punks on the L train that are asking for fucking money for dollar pizza slices. Yeah.

They should have eaten that shitty little sad fucking dog already. Just go on and get it over with. Those poor dogs. Homeless people with dogs make me angry. Yeah, it makes me upset. It makes me real mad.

I would have fucking ate that dog. If I was homeless, I would just walk, it makes me upset. I would have fucking ate that dog, but I was homeless. I would just walk around with a fucking leash. How would you prepare it? How would you cook a dog? I don't know. Who knows how to cook a dog? I'd like to cook it.

They don't have access to a stove. Hot plate. Hot plate. Yeah, hot plate. Hot plate. A little salt, a little pepper, olive oil. Fucking toss it together. Yeah.

Fucking crock pot. Check it out. Yeah. Steal your ass a crock pot, go into the underground, hook up to a plug it into the little extension cord they got that goes up to the subway. We saw that documentary together with all the homeless people living. Dark days? Yeah.

Well, there's a difference between crust punks and homeless people. Crust punks are a phone call away, and they all have cell phones and iPads. Yes. So they're an email away from having their father from Connecticut come back and get them. And they seem to be very well fed because the majority are fat. Yeah.

A lot of these crust punks are huge. Yeah, they're real fat. So there's a difference. True homeless, though, I do agree. If there is a dying dog, the Humane Society, you have meat. Why not, I suppose, if we want to live in that kind of culture? By the way, in the late 19th century, when a lot of Americans were just dropping dead from tuberculosis, there was a cure tried in which people went on an exclusive dog meat diet.

They said if you eat nothing but dog meat, you'll be cured of tuberculosis. And that's been your nickname on last podcast on the left the past three weeks. Dog meat. Yeah, a lot. Also, back in those days, if you did drop dead from tuberculosis, everyone around you on the street would scream, you just got burped. And then they'd go to their job or whatever they were doing. Kind of fun, a little Ashton Kutcher there. Burped.

I like that. He just got, his ass got burped. And then they go, they go to the bread store, whatever the fuck they did back then. God, I'd be bored back then. Man, I'd be bored. You go to the bread store, there fuck they did back then god I'd be bored back then man I'd be bored you go to the bread store there was the that's where a lot of people

got sick there was a wheat thing it was the that was in the middle in the middle ages it's uh shit what is it

called ergo and in Salem in Salem it's the same thing in Salem not just the middle ages it was in Salem, Massachusetts all these people were perceived

as witches because they went and they ate the bad wheat. They tripped nuts and everyone thought they were witches. They got burnt at the stake. That's a bad trip. How do you get bad wheat? There's a fungus that would grow on it. You can buy off of wheat?

If you store wheat improperly, there's a fungus called ergot that grows on it, but it's a bad trip every time. It's like, what is that? Pitch you in the stomach. What is that flower that you can eat, like a nightshade or something? Morning glory.

Morning glory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get high off of morning glories, but you're going to have a bad trip every single time. Florida, angel trumpets. Angel trumpets, yeah. Yeah, you fucking three days on angel trumpets. I had a friend who did it once.

She called me from the hospital. Just like, I'm like, where you been? She's like, I ate angel trumpets. I had a friend who did it once. She called me from the hospital. Just like, I'm like, where you been? She's like, I ate angel trumpets. My mom sent me to the hospital. Angel trumpets? Oh my God, such a juxtaposition. What is that? It's a flower that you just eat and it makes you trip for three days. It grows naturally in Florida.

Bad trip though, huh? Bad trip. Of course it grows naturally in Florida. As far as public executions go, I would prefer in that time period, getting burned at the stake, I would say, as far as public executions go, I would prefer, in that time period, getting burned at the stake, I would prefer more than stoning or putting stones on you. No, that's so painful. You pass out from the smoke.

Yeah, you pass out from the smoke and inhaling the flames. You die long before you start really burning. Gotcha. As a person who is 6'7", my least favorite one would be the one where they put you inside of that canary-type cage like you're a little bird, and I would be jammed in there like spam in some sort of bizarre tiny jar, and then they slow roast you for what, 48, 72

hours? No. It's a bull. The bull, right? The brazen bull. The brazen bull. The guy that invented it was the first person to have it. To have it get put in.

They put him in it. He's like, here's the brazen bull. And then they were like, oh, thank you. The king was like, ew, thank you very much. You know, he talked like that. He talked like a fucking sissy. And he's like, ew, put him in the bull. Put him in the bull. Fucking hate history. Hell of a day for that king, though.

Very, very fun to see, I'm sure. Dogs were domesticated before we had the wheel. You think every invention was like that? Somebody came along and was like, I got a new invention for something. They're like, oh, yeah, that's cool. Why don't you fucking try it out? Oh, absolutely. You can do some research on Alexander Graham Bell.

He didn't invent the light bulb. Don't make Martin serious. Of course he didn't. No one is saying that Thomas Edison invented the filament. Do some research on Thomas Edison. A black guy did it. A black guy invented

the filament. Garrett A. Morgan. That's what I was saying. Also created the fucking traffic light. Yes, he did. And fucking Thomas Edison.

He's an asshole. Garrett A. Morgan hate that. Garrett A. Morgan made the fucking traffic light. Fucking Thomas Edison just made the fucking glass. That's all he fucking did. Faraday Morgan? Garrett A. Morgan made the fucking traffic light. Fucking Thomas Edison just made the fucking glass. That's all he fucking did.

Faraday Morgan? Garrett A. Morgan. Garrett A. Morgan. Garrett A. Morgan traffic light, and if I'm not mistaken, the fucking filament. George Washington Carver found out over 100 things to do with a peanut, and he was black as fuck. What did Alexander Sebel do? So was Percy Julian. He fucking did a whole bunch of shit with peanuts and shit.

First self-made millionaire woman was black. She did shampoo. Oprah. No, it's not Oprah. I forgot her name, but yeah, Amber's right. That was in Dinesh D'Souza's documentary, America. Here's a quote from Percy Julian. Yes.

I don't think you can possibly embrace the kind of joy which one who has worked with plants and plant structures such as I have over a period of 40 years. How wonderful the plant laboratory seems. What a nerd. With a name like Percy, you have to be a nerd.

Percy. Percy Julian. That must have been rough. Do you think he was gay? Do you know how many black kids fucking clown his name? Like, I'm a botanist. You a faggot. Garrett Morgan was the guy that worked on the... He was the first guy who worked on hair straightening.

Yeah, and he was the black guy in SNL in the seven drafts. Yeah, I love that. Is that Percy or Garrett? That's Garrett. The black guy in SNL in the seven drafts. Yeah, I love that. Is that Percy or Garrett? That's Garrett. That's why he just had to work with plants because he was... That's Percy. Percy was definitely gay. I mean, your name's Percy.

You have to be gay. What about Percy? Was it Percy Snow, the guy that played for the Chiefs in the 80s? Oh, right. There's also a Percy Harper. There's a lot of people named Percy. I want to know what Alexander Graham Bell did. He invented the telephone.

Thank God. He stole it from a guinea. Come here, Watson. I want to know what Alexander Graham Bell did. He invented the telephone. Thank God. He stole it from a guinea. Come here, Watson. I want you. That was the first thing ever spoken into a telephone. It was an Italian who really did it, and Graham Bell stole it from him. You're talking about Marconi. Marconi was the radio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Alexander Graham Bell, there was a lot of thievery

going on back in those days. No, there was lawless. Especially with the Italians. You can't trust them. Surprisingly sh the Italians. Yeah, of course. You can't trust them. Surprisingly shifty, even though they're hairy. You know, today there's a telephone for the mind. You can transmit thoughts. And a guy in Italy transmitted a thought to a guy in Spain, I believe.

Oh, you see the pussy. You see the pussy on that girl, right? You see the pussy. Yeah, I fucking see the pussy. Of course I see her fucking pussy. Everybody in the whole town's seen her goddamn pussy. God, the pussy. I think he's just a one-note dude, and they're conning us.

All he talks about is pussy. Of course the thought's about pussy. Anyways. You never know. Yeah. I tell you, women, it's hard to not think about pussy. I know the thoughts about pussy. Anyways. You never know. Tell you women, it's hard to not think about pussy. They're all beautiful. Man, smoking hot. So much hair. So much hair. It's great. Hairy snatch. That is coming back.

That's all I can tell you. I shaved completely from when I was 14 to 24. What happened? I just wanted to be like a little, I looked like a little girl. I'm going to grow it out. And now I feel like a complete woman. I feel like a powerful full woman. Full being.

Once I grew that out. Gotta get that bush if you want to be president. Kind of a Samson situation. Very good. I'm full bush. I know. Full bush. I know. Of course you are. Full bush. I trim everyone so well.

Over my waistline right now. It's popping out. If I lifted up my shirt, you'd see a bit of bush. Don't do that. No, I trim mine every once in a while. I think it's common courtesy. Ah, man. Yeah, trim it down for the lady.

You told me the other day you tried on some tight pants and your vagina hairs were sticking out of it. Oh, yeah. My mom was like, I tried on some pants and I was young. And my mom was like, Amber and your vagina hairs were sticking out of it? Oh, yeah. My mom was like, I tried on some pants when I was young and my mom was like, Amber, your vagina hairs are showing. In front of everybody.

What will happen? Fucking best day at JCPenney. The grossest way to refer to it to your vagina hairs. Yeah. That's just like a bad way to refer to it, I feel like.

Fun fact, George Bush Sr., speaking of Bush, George Bush Sr. was almost eaten by an island of Japanese cannibals. Oh, I know that island. It's like you can't ever fucking go there or else they'll eat you. And he also threw up on the Japanese

diplomat, the Japanese, I think, foreign was it the Japanese Prime Minister that George Bush Sr. threw up on him? One of those guys. During his presidency. I remember that. He got very, very sick. Yeah, people made fun of him a lot. He had food poisoning.

Yeah, and he threw up on the Prime Minister. That's so funny. He also believed that scarecrows... Yeah, it's on video too, right? There's a whole Wikipedia page about it. Wow. Yeah, he threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, Kichi Miyazawa. Oh, here it is.

Oh, here's the video. Uh-oh, are we going to watch it? Yeah. Hold on a second. He threw up on the man. This is bad. I've pulled in my car and thrown up before. How did he throw up on him?

I mean, just throw up. He got very sick. Barbara should have been right by him there. Yeah, he was bent. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He just went straight into the crotch. Why?

He had food poisoning and he was trying to still be a fucking politician. Yeah, he had bad sushi. Should've fucking bounced. Bad sushi, man. I don't trust sushi. I love it. Yeah, me too.

You've gotten very sick off of sushi. Not very sick, just sick. It wasn't sick because the sushi was bad. I just ate too much like a bear.

You don't want to eat. Yeah, you don't want to eat. He had like $36 worth of it, didn't you? Yes. At least. $36 worth of sushi. And he ate it very fast, apparently. Every time I eat sushi, it costs at least $36.

Yeah, sushi's expensive, man. And I like a lot of it. Yeah. You just get the cheap stuff. It's just like cream cheese and salmon. That's all I get. Oh, no. I like the big pieces of fish.

Yeah, the sashimi. That's not actually technically sushi, Marcus. That's all I get. Oh, no. I like the big pieces of fish. Yeah, the sashimi. That's not actually technically sushi, Marcus. That's a roll. Whatever. I don't eat the cream cheese stuff. Oh, it's disgusting. I love it. The Philadelphia roll?

I love it. I ate 12 of them like two days ago. You had like a... How much cream cheese? Each one is about an ounce of cream cheese, don't you think? Probably 12 ounces of cream cheese that day. And I have it every time I have sushi.

That's what I get. I get two Philadelphia rolls and I eat all of them. It's fucking delicious. That's not even sushi. You tell a Japanese person that sushi, they'll laugh right in your face.

That's fine. I'll fucking, they can laugh at me while I'm eating my wonderful Philadelphia rolls. He's got cream cheese coming out of his fucking eyeballs. Yeah.

Having a good soda with it. Is it salmon cream cheese? Yeah, it's salmon cream cheese and sometimes they'll put a little cucumber in it. Oh, so it's like lox. It's like a lox bagel. I'm surprised I don't like it. That's disgusting. You drink soda like wine connoisseurs drink wine. You're like,

mmm, yes, it's got some interesting fragrances. I taste notes of barley in your Coca-Cola. I taste a note of wheat. What's it called? Boiling root beer? Boiling.

Dad's cherry limeade. That's one of the rarest of good sodas. I like Dr. Brown. Dr. Brown's very good. Dr. Brown is fine. I like Barks. I like Barksarks okay but I'm more of a mug man I like mug More of a mug

I'm drinking root beer I'm having Hanks Okay You're having Hanks You'll refuse to enter a store that doesn't sell Hanks Feed your dogs crack I thought it was gunpowder. Yeah, no, it's both. It's both.

It's both. It's called a wooly. A wooly? A wooly. Wooly. Here's a question. Like a wooly bully. Yeah, yeah.

If you fed a dog crack and then you ate the dog meat, would you get high? It's got to be a lot of crack. Probably, yeah. It's got to be shitload of crack. Probably a lot less high than you want. How does crack digest? I mean, I've never even heard of the... Metabolize. Yeah, how does it metabolize?

You can't really eat. If you eat it, man, you're fucked. I don't know. Right? You just got to smoke it. Lupe's shaking his head yes like he has eaten crack. Lupe smoked crack. Eat crack every day.

I smoked meth twice. Oh, okay. It was pretty fun. I was dating a guy who was a meth dealer and I was really enjoying it. And then I was like, you know what? How old are we here? Him or the meth?

I was enjoying the meth. And he was fine, but I was like, you know what? We got to end this relationship. Yeah. Didn't see a future, huh? How old were you? This was like, you know what? We got to end this relationship. Yeah. Didn't see a future. How old were you? This was like six years ago.

Okay, wow. Not that long ago. Yeah. That is a relatively short period of time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I did Special K for two weeks.

That was horrible. I stopped that. I bet. You also made me eat mescaline with you. Cat tranquilizer. Yeah. I did that in a casino in Atlantic City. It was horrible. I stopped that. I bet. You also made me eat mescaline with you. Cat tranquilizer. Yeah, I did that in a casino in Atlantic City. It was popular. Did you go into a K-hole?

Yeah, I went to a K-hole, and I came out two weeks later and vowed to never do it again. And I was 17? About six years ago. Ed made me eat mescaline on a couple of occasions. I only made you eat it once. Well, it was rough. You did it voluntarily the other time. Bad dreams. That's all that happened.

We both had horrible dreams. And I made a bunch of bad dreams. Mescaline sucks. Mescaline's awful. What are all these crazy drugs these guys are talking about? I only know about these responsible drugs like crack and coke and... You're a city boy.

I've been in a crack house though when people were smoking it and i was selling crack to a friend of wow why did you have to go to the crack house to sell crack did they already have a guy at the crack house selling crack that's not how crack houses work you gotta make deliveries or you won't get a fucking tip okay because i was thinking it's like man that, that's like delivering Papa John's to Pizza Hut. Nah, nah. They've already got pizza there. That's just where they go to consume it.

That's just where they go to consume it. That's where they're eating it. Oh, okay. So yeah, it's like the cafeteria, but they buy it somewhere else. That's the Walmart. Walmart is the whole drug trade, and then the fucking part of it is where the cafeteria they sit down and eat. So it's not like

an opium den where they have the opium there and everyone's like all fucked up. That's just crazy. I'd be out of a job. You ever seen a baby in a crack house? Nah. I've seen young kids though. How young? Like 12. Yeah? Were they smoking it or running around?

Nah. They were just their parents were just like How young? Like 12. Yeah? Were they smoking it or running out? No, no. They were just... They're just there. Their parents were just telling them, like, look the other way while I smoke this crack. Kids learning patience. Life lessons. That kid's a politician now.

No, he's not. They were doing homework and studying for the next day's exam. They were being very, very well-adjusted children, I'm sure. There's a great documentary on Netflix called Freeway, all about Freeway Ricky Ross, the original Rick Ross, before this big, fat former corrections officer co-opted his name and stole his entire brand. He's very mad at that guy.

And he should be. Yeah. Same as 50 Cent. This is a real 50 Cent from Brooklyn. He robbed drug dealers. Oh, wow. He was Omar as 50 Cent. This is a real 50 Cent from Brooklyn. He robbed drug dealers. Oh, wow. He was Omar from The Wire. Oh, really?

What, 50 Cent? No, no, Omar from The Wire would rob drug dealers. Oh, I rob drug dealers. Like when he was in the court, he's like, what do you do? He's like, I rob drug dealers. So Rick Ross is a fraud. I'm not going to say anything about 50 Cent. Man, he's not a complete fraud.

He's a gigantic maniac. He used to be a prison guard. I mean. Prison guards are the worst human beings on the face of the planet. Doesn't make them not tough. Yeah. I don't think he's tough. There are good jailers.

There's one. They get to retire early because their job is so horrible. He's not tough. He just pistol whipped his guard. Eddie, I got to hear why you defend prison guards. What are you talking about? It's a tough job. Someone's got to do it.

It's a tough job. So would be a truck driver. You want to be a prison guard? Do you want to see how you act when you're in there? That would be very, very kind. It's tough, man. No, very difficult. Very hard job. It's a possible job.

You're in a tough situation. You got to watch jail. You got to watch the jail documentaries. Oh, my God. I watch the jail documentaries. All I do is watch Lock Up Raw. I know all about these things. There are a couple bad apples, but you don't hear about all the many good people that are just doing their job.

Of course there's a lot of good people doing their job. You got dudes covered in AIDS, bleeding out their fucking necks. Covered in AIDS? You're not covered in AIDS. You're going to call them up and be like, oh, please don't bleed on me, sir. No, you're going to fucking bash his fucking head until his brains are coming out of his fucking body. Holden's got a point. I didn't follow up.

For a prison guard exam? What's the exam? For corrections. What do they ask you? Can you beat somebody outside of the camera? Yeah, can you beat people up? How long are you willing to ignore a person's medical problem? Yeah, yeah.

Are you willing to lie? All types of shit. Oh, they problem? Yeah. Are you willing to lie? All types of shit. Oh, they're all lying. Are you black? Yeah. That's a big one. They like it if you are. They do not. They don't? Yeah, you gotta be white. Well, that's not true at all. Still got that locked up. There you go. There's three

jobs you have to be white for. Rick Ross! We just talked about Rick Ross! If you're black, I mean, you're probably in the jail. That's how fake Rick Ross was. He used to be white for. Rick Ross. We just talked about Rick Ross. If you're black, I mean, you're probably in the jail. That's how fake Rick Ross was. He used to be white. And then he became black and a rapper. So hold on to what you were saying. There are three jobs that you have to be white for.

Vice president. Prison guard. And the CEO of McDonald's. Those are the three jobs. That's the three jobs. That's the three jobs. Maybe. Vice President. McDonald's I'm not sure about.

Nope, checks out, checks out. Steve Easterbrook. Oh my God, that guy. McDonald's? Yeah, Steve Easterbrook, also Don Thompson. Did it for quite a while. McDonald's stock is going way down and they're trying to...

This is the first year there are less locations. Oh, Holden, I've got some bad news for you. Don Thompson, black man. Super black. Who is he as the CEO? Black Fries Matter. Black Fries Matter. Black Fries Matter. Black Fries Matter. Black Fries Matter.

Wow. Yeah. Only lasted three years, the CEO. They fired him. He was doing the McRib area. Oh, yeah. Projects Kid really pulled him up from the bootstraps. Interesting.

All right. So that was that. All right. And now it's time for a segment from Holt McNeely. Change one rule and... How's the song go? Are you ready for some football? No, that's old.

Yeah, that's over. Now it's like, get your boots on and go to the game. And a white girl sings it. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Da-da-da-da-da. Are you ready? Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Da-da-da-da-da. Dance dance dance.

Ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. That's it. That's football. It's the football. And we're going to play it in a city.

I love that. Yeah, that's it. From the town of dolphins. All right, so you're going to change one rule in football to make it more fun. All right? Fourth quarter, if they're tied and you got two minutes left, you release one bear on the field. Love it. Wow.

Makes the game more fun. It does make the game a lot more fun. If it's a boring game. Depends on if you're playing or not. If you're playing, it doesn't make it. Wow. Makes the game more fun. It does make the game a lot more fun. If it's a boring game. It depends on if you're playing or not. If you're playing, it doesn't make it more fun. Can I adjust your Can I adjust it for you? Okay. Whatever the animal that your team represents on the field. Yes! Now, but that's

the thing. What if it's like, I don't know, Bengals and the bears. That'd be pretty fucking cool. Sure. But what if it's like the dolphins and the browns? And then also... What are the browns named after? The dogs.

So an elderly person has to come out. Oh, I thought it was going to be like dudes from the projects will run out on stage. They do have the dog pound. Meet the browns. Tyler Perry has to come out. Yeah, Tyler Perry comes out and makes a bad movie. I would love to come out. Yeah, Tyler Perry comes out and makes a bad movie.

I would love to see the Titans. That would be very exciting. Versus 49ers. We have Axe Picks versus the, what is it? The Tri-Sword or whatever the hell they use. Trident. Yeah, Trident. I love this adjustment.

The Texans, that'd be real fun. Yeah, Texans would be good. Well, that would, yeah, That'd just be a bloodbath Very violent, very fast Rams versus Buccaneers Oh, this is exciting The Cardinals They're just going to go right at what they're doing

There's millions of them Cardinals versus Ravens Who wins? Ravens That'd be exciting And then everybody's rooting for a tie game, which is kind of fun. We should get rid of all the people playing these sports and just go with what the symbols are. Blood sport.

That's all I care about. Yep. That's all I want to. Jordan, one rule. Instead of kicks to get extra points, a Black Lives Matter protest comes out on the field and takes away all the black players and just leaves the white ones by themselves so they could be shitty and everybody is upset at their fantasy football teams and no more black people play in the NFL ever. That's super fun.

So you want the Negro Leagues to come back? I guess. Exactly. I mean, that's fine. The Negro Leagues were the only leagues, and that's what I guess. Exactly. I mean, that's fine. So you're just – The Negro Leagues were the only leagues, and that's what I want. And every time someone goes out to try and get extra points, all the black players from both teams leave.

And then by the end of the week – Yeah, just leaving the kicker and the quarterback and then like a couple coaches. At least the good ones anyway. Yeah. Only the good ones, anyway. Only the good ones. A lot more guys named Elvis. Yeah, probably. That would just be a dude thrown into a kicker.

Yeah. So we'll just take the NFL back to 1961. Yeah, probably. Or, yeah, that would be better. I don't know. Time machine. Negro leagues of football. Oh, yeah. Time machine. Negro leagues of football. We probably will get paid more.

Yeah? Yep. Get all the endorsements and nobody will watch white football. There'll be the WFAL, WFL, and then the BFL. You gotta choose which one you're gonna watch. Ben, did Jordan steal your idea of reinstating the Negro League, or do you have a different idea? I'm going to go Vietnam rules. So, you know.

Agent Orange on the field. Yeah, random times. Agent Orange might get splashed on some yard lines. There'll be random, you know, holes that you have to, if you fall into. Snipers. Snipers, yeah. Spike holes covered in another player's dung and things like that. So, yeah, Vietnam rules. That's what another player's dung and things like that. So, yeah, Vietnam rules.

That's what I would do. Okay. Vietnam does rule, man. Yeah, occasionally the quarterback gets snapped a bomb as opposed to a football, you know. Okay. Good. I would say, like, right before the end, whatever that is, the fourth quarter, they all sit down and they talk about their feelings. Okay.

Yeah, they all sit. They kind of hash it out. Squash the beefs. Yeah, they all sit down Indian style, and they all just have pillows on the field, and everybody gets really comfortable, and they're like, you know, they cry. Yeah.

If they choose to. They don't have to cry. You don't have to cry. You just want to talk about your father issues. Yeah. And those last two minutes will be really interesting, you know? So who wins then? No one wins.

No one wins in that game. That's good. I love games when no one wins. Women should keep on running things. That's my favorite thing about soccer besides the pussies that dive when they get barely touched by other people is the fact that you can just have a tie game. Yeah, that sometimes no one wins. Soccer is the dumbest, stupidest,

shittiest fucking game. Anyways, Eddie L no one wins. the dumbest, stupidest, shittiest fucking game. Anyways, Eddie Larson. I hear the women's soccer game, they won the thing and they got paid way less than the men

that were in the first round that quit. Of course. Yeah, because a lot more people watch the men. No, that's not true. Really? The female soccer

was the number one soccer match watched regardless of gender in the entire country in the history of the United States. In the United States. Exactly the entire country in the history of the United States. But what about the rest of the world where it matters?

Oh, yeah, obviously. They need to team up with Ronda Rousey. They need to start fighting after those matches. She's the best athlete in America right now. Her, Serena, and the U.S. women's soccer team are the best athletes in America right now. Isn't she going to be in a she's going to be in a movie soon. What is the movie?

Entourage. Entourage. No, she's not. She was in Expendables 3. No, but she's starring in like a Rocky reboot or something. She was in a movie

with Monique called Hair Show. And she's starring in Ronda Rouse. Roadhouse. Oh, Ronda Rouse. She's going to be in a fucking road, a reboot of Roadhouse.

Oh, that's cool. She's going to be the main character. Is she the bouncer? Is she playing Swayze? I think she's going to be in a fucking reboot of Roadhouse. She's going to be the main character. Is she the bouncer? She's playing Swayze? I think she's going to be Swayze in Roadhouse. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.

That's so cool. Ed Larson, what are we doing to make football better than it already is? Get the foot out of football. Okay. I love it. No more kickoffs. No more punts. No more foot clan.

You're going for it on fourth. You're not punting the ball away. You know, we're not kicking off. We're just going to start the game. It's a waste of time. The kicker's a useless position for a man who holds no actual talent on the field. He should be playing soccer where he belongs. Get rid of the foot

in football. It's got no place there. There you go. Amen. I'm going Vietnam rules. All right. Very, very rare. All right, everyone. Thanks so much for listening to this week's episode of The Roundtable. Gentlemen, you can find Ed Larson on Twitter at Eddie Toons underscore.

Holden McNeely is on Twitter. PlayStation Network, catcher 6945. Keep giving me them shout outs. I'll keep calling you fucking idiots. All right. Jordan Temple, you're also online someplace. At Jordy Ploy, jordontemplecomedy.com. What's Jordy Ploy mean?

Why do you do that? What does it mean? Ploy is just like a trick. I'm getting you, bitch. Hey. You have a funny thing there. A ploy, a ruse. A ruse, if you will.

Yes, I will. I'm fucking planning and thinking ahead of you, you fucking goofy bitch. You're always doing some trickery. I love you for it, Jordan. And Amber, are you still Amber Smelson? Amber Smelson. I love Amber Smelson. I even bought the domain name. You're always doing some trickery. I love you for it, Jordan. And Amber, are you still Amber Smelson? Amber Smelson. I even bought the domain name. You did? I bought the website ambersmelson.com.

And I have a bunch of videos, links to my YouTube, links to podcasts, Brighter Side, links to all my shit. Just go to ambersmelson.com you'll find everything. I love it. And yeah, of course, check out her and Eddie on the Brighter Side. And you can find Marcus at Marcus Parks. I'm at Penn Kissel. And yeah, of course, check out her and Eddie on The Brighter Side. And you can find Marcus at Marcus Parks.

I'm at Ben Kissel. And Holden, you're going to talk for 30 minutes again soon? Sure, why not? I'll do it right now, you fucking animals. All right, start. I hate our fans. How about that? Let's start with that. I hate everybody who listens to this thing.

Keep on. All right. Well, that's done. I'm at Ben Kissel. And yeah, last podcast, Roundtable, Top Hat, Brighter Side. Jordan, you got a podcast yet? Not yet. There's so many people. No, you don't need one.

No one there doesn't need to be anyone. Anyone out there, if you're thinking of starting one, just don't. It's over. This is actually the only podcast that exists. If you were famous when you started podcasting, when podcasts first started you're making money. That's it.

So we're broke. Alright. We'll talk to you all soon. Thanks for listening. For more shows like the one you just listened to