The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 259: Putting the Toy in Toilet

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

This week on Round Table: another pooping bandit strikes in Florida, a sword enthusiast in the same state goes down after a five hour stand off, and two parents kill their child while trying to teach him a lesson about alcohol.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Rock, rock, suck suck. Just say that. Get, rock, suck, suck. Get it, get it, get it. All right.

Coming at you. We're all good to go. All right, everybody bow your heads for a guided meditation. You were in the birthing tub for the water birth. The blood, it surrounds you. It surrounds your whole essence. You are the H2O.

While the baby is the blood from the vagina. It comes out first and fills your water molecules up with its own blood. And then the blood, and then the baby starts to crown. And it's furry little top of its head. It's got a lot of hair. Furry? Yeah, it's got a lot of hair. Which I heard leads to a lot of acid indigestion in pregnant women.

So we can talk about that. Why would you have heard about that? Apparently, if a baby has a hairy head, you have a lot of acid indigestion. I have a lot of acid indigestion. Then your baby has a hairy head. The baby in your belly. Are you pregnant, Jackie? Yeah, I was going to wait until after the prayer.

Hey, matzo ball! Roundtable baby. There's no round table baby, you idiots. Let's name it jittens. I do like, I'd rather like a Jew mittens, but like we make it jittens for short. Well, it'll always wear Jewish mittens. Either way, you're in the tub. You're covered in the baby's blood.

It's like a sheet. Describe Jewish mittens to me. It's the sheet with a hole in it. Jewish mittens. Yeah, it has a hole in it for the middle finger to pop out. So I can finger pussies. You know what's interesting? I wasn't going to say anything, but you said matzo ball.

And for a long time in my life, I hear matzo ball. I'm like, oh, that's something Jewish people care about. I don't really know what it is. Matzo balls are great. Oh, they're delicious. I'm like, oh, I should investigate. I should Google what it is. I've literally never looked up. I don't really know what it is. Matzo balls are great. I should investigate. I should google what it is. I've literally never looked up. I have no idea.

I'm surrounded by Jewish people every day. Let's be you and Josh. Go get a nosh. Jay! A nosh with Josh. Matzo balls! What makes a ball matzo? The ball is made of matzo. Mozzarella. Continue your bullshit thing that you said.

Mozzarella. You're in the tub, and it's filled with the blood of the baby and the pussy. The pussy's blood when it's birthing itself, and it starts to drown. And the baby's head pops out. It looks like a fun old man. And the baby floats up to the top and you realize in that moment that you are sick of it. You hate babies.

So, you know, I think the moral of the story here is never leave the house with less than $3. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. I'm going to assume that's the end of the prayer, Hold um you're you're the blood of the end of the prayer all right really wonderful i did not know about the hair and the indigestion though and the gas i had no idea it's totally disgusting and they shit themselves when they're given birth it's not beautiful none of it's pretty and it's all ugly and then the baby screams at you for upwards of five months,

and you want to kill it is what I've heard from people who have... Five months, that's it? That's when the baby stops crying? Apparently, you stop being depressed about it after five months. But apparently, for the first five months, you have to sign papers saying you're not going to shake and kill your baby at the hospital because those first five months,

the whole time you just want to shake and kill your baby. You got a good chance there. You really get out of it in those early months. You'd be like, oh, he fell off the ironing board. It sucks. It completely sucks. I had to get rid of the wrinkles on its face.

That's a good question, Jackie. Mother of the year. Jackie Zebrowski is here. Yeah, I'm here and I put the toy in toilet. That's my new catchphrase. That's the new one you want to go with, Jackie. You put the toy in toilet.

You're the first one that figured out the toy in toilet. Does that mean you tried to flush a dildo down the toilet? You don't have to worry about what it means, man. You don't have to worry about it. Fuck yeah man. You don't have to worry about it. Fuck yeah. All right.

I'm Ed Larson. I can't talk. No, of course not. You don't put the toy in the toilet, so naturally you can't talk. Yeah, maybe. Obviously, Holden's here. Holdenators, ho!

We got some PlayStation Network shout-outs. Richard Lugin is an idiot. Kahuna300 underscore is fucking retarded big norm is british and a piece of shit and lissa rowe is a fucking retard apparently according to her so and they have all requested that you call them the like they all want me to call them retards and things like that so there you go proper term you're not supposed to say i know mentally challenged but i'm gonna give my fans their blessings you go. It's not a proper term. You're not supposed to say that. I know, mentally challenged, but I'm going to give my fans their blessings, you know? And that's my blessing.

So you only are available on social media through the PlayStation Network. Yes, you can only get shout-outs through the PlayStation Network. No Twitter, no HLF, Facebook, or anything like that. No shout-outs. No one wants to play games with me on the network. They just want me to give them shout-outs on this program.

So I'm trying to get somebody to play Mortal Kombat X with me, but no one, they just want shout-outs. Sad life. No, that is the thing, though. It is so much more intimate. It's literally like you have the access to the internet. You can play video games with anyone across the world and nobody will play with you.

But that's the thing. Six billion people in the world. In particular with him, it's just like, because you can go on Facebook and leave him a comment, and it's thing. Six billion people in the world. In particular with him it's just like because you can go on Facebook and leave him a comment and it's like alright you're in and out

but you set up a match with Holden. You're trapped in that match with Holden for as long as it takes. We gotta play man. I'm holding a reptile.

There are 11 million people on the PlayStation Network. I'm friends with like 30 of them. And none of them will play with you. None of them will play games with me. Well no one in real life wants to play with you either friends with like 30 of them. And none of them will play with you. None of them will play games with me. Well, no one in real life wants to play with you either, so it's kind of perfect.

No, exactly. I keep calling and calling and calling people. Soccer, baseball, solitaire. Any game I would play with anyone else. Solitaire, you have to play alone. Well, they'd watch me and I'd watch them. They'd watch me and I'd watch them. And you'd coach them on and shit.

It was funny. I actually went to Holden's house this week and I played Mortal Kombat with Holden, but I refused to play against him. And he understood. Yeah. I just let him play on the computer. Nothing's worse than losing to Holden.

No. I won't play a game if I know I'm going to lose to Holden. And I'll do the fatality too, you know? But he's so good at video games and so old that in reality he always loses. So old. So that's fine. Kevin, what do you think? Yeah, no, it's just like, if you want your life to be better, man, just change

who you are as a person. Just hold down. I try. I wake up every day. I'm like, ooh, the new me. Who's the new me? You know? But also Barnett is wearing white basketball shorts today. Yeah, I'm comfortable, man. I'm fucking repping in this shit, dude. And teal for my Miami Dolphins.

We're about to lose. Yeah. Representing, man. Oh, they just lost. Why did you say it, Robbie? Why did you say it while he's on the podcast? Robbie is in the chuckle hut. When do I get it, Ben?

When do I get a team that brings me happiness? You need to get a better team. No. You got to change everything that you like. Yep. God damn it. You like bad things. I like it when he's mad.

It's my favorite season. It's the very beginning of the football season, right before he stops caring, right at the top, when he still thinks the Dolphins could maybe win the Super Bowl. It's the best time to live. How long have I known you, Holden? It's the same every year. Every year, man. It's hilarious. It's like spring flowers grow. In the fall, I get fucking furious.

Alright, let's introduce the people sitting in the... Our guest for today, Rahsaan Rogers from Sirius Radio. Thanks so much for being here, Rahsaan. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on after that prayer. Right. It's been a long day of hanging out with white people, so naturally I'm exhausted.

Yep. No, we've been doing this show for about five years, and I haven't figured out anything yet. Thank you for joining us. Yeah, man. Thank you for having me. Join us. All the way from Iceland, and he's a new resident of the United States of America, Ragnar Eilson. Eglison.

Eilson. Eilson. Eielson. Eielson. Very good. See, Rahsaan, that's how white our show is. We bring in people from Iceland. Yeah. I put the ice in Iceland. White as Kevin's shorts.

Oh, yeah. And they are pristine for now. Yeah. Well, you do look very athletic today, Kevin. Have you been playing a whole different kind of, have you been playing some sports? I can't lie to you right now and say that I didn't have Cheetos stains on these shorts most of the day, which I just recently cleaned up. Wait, puffy or crunchy?

Crunchy. You're a fucker. I love puffy. I'm a puffy. I'm a puffer. I'd be puffy. I'm puffy. Yeah, but it melts in your mouth.

This is unbelievable. Dare I say un-American. I put it in puffy. Yeah, but it melts in your mouth. This is unbelievable. I put it in. Dare I say un-American. I put it in ginger ale. Yeah. Let it sit and drink it. You're a freak. God damn it.

The puffy. I'm with Kevin on this one. The puffy cheese doodle, whatever it is, it's absolutely disgusting. It's disturbing and it's all full of lies. No, you eat it with chopsticks. It's half air. I like how it makes my teeth feel. Puffy or crunchy?

I'm puffy, but I did have some jalapeno crunchy ones recently, so I might be converting. The tiny spicy crunchy is good. Yeah, those are pretty dope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need a little more when it comes to crunch. I agree. Yeah, I love the crunchy. Cheese balls?

Oof. Oh, yeah. I put a hundred in. I agree. Yeah, I love the crunchy. Cheese balls? Oof. Love them. Love them. I put a hundred in. Well, the puffy ones in Iceland are made of actual puffin, so that's kind of the problem there. Hell yeah. Penguin? No, puffin.

Puffin. Little bird with a colorful nose. Yeah, but they're like tiny penguins. They are not tiny penguins. They're totally different, Ed. Do they fly? No. They live in the sea?

They're fucking penguins. Honestly, I can't argue. So, yes. They got in the sea? They're fucking penguins. Honestly, I can't argue. So, yes. They got wet wings, man. What's they got wet wings? Am I wrong? If they got wet wings, it's penguins. Don't they have different beaks?

Well, no. Seagulls got wet wings. Penguins. Seagulls are penguins. Yeah, they're air penguins. I will not begin to argue. That is totally reasonable to me. No, I never thought of it that way.

I feel like my mind just got shattered. Yeah. There's a lot of different things we're going to learn today. So, Marcus, you're also here. Should we do a news story? Yeah. You're a puffy guy, though, huh? Oh, yeah.

100% puffy guy. Okay. I like how it makes the back of my teeth feel When you bite into it And it kind of hurts on the top of your gums But then it melts away You ever notice how V8 makes it numb? I don't drink V8

Because I'm not 100 It's full of salt Got your fucking ass Yeah, you're old I'm too old for normal drinks V8, Rusan, your thoughts? I haven't had V8 since I was like a kid on my mom's titty. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. She's a squirter. She squirts V8. I think I went to like some hood bar over in Bed-Stuy and got a Bloody Mary and they made that with V8. Yeah, that would make sense. You can make a V8 Bloody Mary. And I also think the puffy might be tasty in a Bloody Mary.

I bet it would be. Yeah, a little puffy cheese doodle. I'll have to try that next Sunday. They put everything in there, fucking bacon, all kinds of shit. Why not a puffy... Green beans. There you go. I love bacon in a Bloody Mary.

That's right. Marcus, I've got a news story. I do indeed. A Florida man suspected of breaking into a bar to steal alcohol and defecating on the floor has been allegedly caught with his pants down. Collier County deputies responded to a 911 call Tuesday evening about a possible burglary at Joey D's in East Naples. Deputies investigating the scene noted thousands of dollars

in damages to computers, monitors, and the cash register. There was also human feces on the bar floor and a large bottle of Sambuca was right next to the poop. Outside the bar, police... I will say, Sambuca is a... A dessert? A aperitif? It's a poopy liquor. Sure, but after you eat a bunch of pasta,

you can just drink a bunch of Sambuca. This is a sign of times for the better for Naples, Florida. Years ago, this wouldn't make the news because of all the other crimes. But now, things have decreased where this would actually hit the papers. And so, congratulations, Naples. They've got a whole police unit,

the Poop Poop Patrol. They're talking about the poop problem in Naples. Outside the bar, police found the man suspected of being the pooping perp, Robert Preedmore, 60, was unconscious and smelled of alcohol and feces. Officers noticed his pants. He fell asleep outside the bar.

He made it outside the bar and then passed out outside the bar. Rassan, if you're the bar owner, what are you more upset about? Your loss of the Sambuca or the fact this man shat on the floor? Sambuca's shit too, so. It's disgusting. It's all shit.

All press is good press. Not in this situation. Come on out to Joey D's. We got shit on the floor sometimes. It sounds like a fun place. I can't drink at a place called Joey D's. No?

D's, I start thinking about dick and then it just doesn't work. Well, that's your issue. Yeah. It's just a letter. Yeah, if you can't hear the letter D without thinking about dicks.

It's just when it's D's like by itself, like D's nuts. I always think about D's nuts. Is it a tradition here to light the Sambuca on fire? Was that maybe what he was going for?

He was going to light the whole thing on fire? With his shit? Yeah, with his shit. Now, I don't think that you can light Sambuca on fire. I might be wrong about this, but I thought you could only light liquor that has 100% proof on fire. I believe that's correct. Sambuca, I think it's relatively weak.

I think it's in the 45 percentile. If I know my Sambuca like I think I do. You can light Sambuca on fire. I do not then. I know this because I lit a bar on fire back home, but doing that, I bought a round of shots, lit them on fire, and then I fell over. I would argue that's worse than taking a dump on the floor. You're probably right. Did the whole place burn down?

No, no. We managed to put it out with something, Ordis. Water? Yeah, water, probably. Maybe not. All ice turns to water. Is D's. Water? Yeah, water probably. Maybe not. All ice turns to water. Is that a metaphor? What is that supposed to mean?

It's a Buddhist cone. It's to make you think. It's from Iceland. Yeah. Oh, I see. Come on. Catch up. I still don't get it.

Fire equals smoke. Fire turns to smoke. Ice turns to water. All ice becomes water, but not all water becomes ice. Think about it. You piece of shit. We're learning things today. No, man, that's not fucking...

You say it, but it's shit. That's not how science works, man. Oh, it totally is. One day the Earth will explode. All the ice will melt. Yeah, but what the fuck about the ice and Mars, man? That hasn't been water for a fucking mad long. We're talking about Earth.

Probably never will be. Yeah, but what about what happens when the heat death, man? That hasn't been watered for fucking mad long. We're talking about Earth. Probably never will be. Yeah, but what about what happens when the heat death of the universe comes? That shit ain't happening. What? I read the Bible, man. We're going to die by flood, and that's how Earth, Mars will be fine. Yeah, and like horsemen and shit are going to come fucking make friends with us. Yeah, and a bunch of locusts.

Yeah. Good point. Yep. This is a really smart show. What do you guys think about horses? Love a good horse. Oh, yeah. They're so big. Very pro-horse. Like a horse, yeah. I know, we know

Kevin loves horses. Yeah, yeah. What are we naming him? What? What are you naming your horse? Kevin, at least. Okay. Or Luger. Oh, that's beautiful. Oh, third Luger. Yeah, but you need a second Luger in there, though. Oh, no, I mean, you know, he's the first two. Okay, that's nice.

That's beautiful, man. I can't take his son's name. Wait, is your Jackie knocked up? Do we got another roundtable baby coming through? Hey, don't talk about that bullshit, man. That bitch fucking tried to talk shit about my outfit today. She's gone, man. I'm never speaking of her again.

You don't say negative about a man's outfit. I know. You don't say negative about this man's outfit. I'll tell you what. He's just wearing basketball shorts and a terrible hat and a terrible shirt. People love what I'm wearing right now, man. I love it. I think you look great.

I know my girl would never say shit about my outfit. That's why she's a good woman. You have a good woman. I told my bitch, I said, bitch, get on a plane. You can stay your ass out of New York. That means you're a senator. That's a great. No, man.

You stay out of my state. Very what Garfield did to Nermal. I don't think any of that is true. I don't want to see you on the streets. I don't want to see your fucking friends. I would love to hear that actual conversation if you apologize profusely. What is that picture that was just on the screen?

We have to talk about that picture. Somebody from the chat, I think it would be Analingus Dingus, sent me... That's so creative. I love Analingus Dingus. That's a great name.

No, they sent me this picture of a woman trying to stuff a chicken into her vagina while she's in the store. Look at how sad she is that she was caught. She looks like she got a lot of it in her.

I say... If it fits, it ships. She should get the chicken. If you can shove a chicken inside of your body, that chicken is... She gets the chicken. There's only one leg hanging out, for the record. If she tried to put a chicken in her pussy,

they should have gave it to her. Hey, Pamela, how'd you do? I got everything in but the drumstick. That is admirable. I am actually very impressed. She's got a face like she has a chicken in her pussy. That probably happened in Florida too, right?

It's gotta be Florida. Everything that's disgusting happened in Florida too, right? It's got to be Florida. It's Florida, right? Everything that's disgusting happened in Florida. I'm going to look and see if maybe there's a story behind that. Artist steals a chicken in a vagina. Okay, let's see. She doesn't look like an artist, that's for sure. No, she was kind of an artist. Ooh, she's German.

She has an artist who put a peacock in there first. Oh, very nice. It's jam-packed with fowl. Yeah. Oh, she's German. She has an artist who put a peacock in there first. Oh, very nice. It's jam-packed with fowl. Yeah. I guess, what do you do? I mean, if you're a supermarket manager and somebody jams a chicken inside of their vagina,

you can't resell it. Just get them out of there. No, man, you give it to them for free. That should be the whole thing. You know how every place is like, oh, we have this two-pound steak, and you get that for free if you eat it. Like John Candy in the great outdoors. The old what is it the old 56 or what's it called? The 96er. That picture should be on a fucking wall I don't like that these people stopped it.

If you can't fit it all in you then then you've got to pay double. Yeah. I mean, that's good. I agree. I got more info on this woman. She is an activist from Russia. Oh, an activist. But her name translates to cunt with huge tits. That sounds like a lie. I wouldn't say her real name, though.

They do not give her real name. They only say what it translates to. How does it even translate? It does not sound like a fucking reliable news story. No, it's from a German website about a Russian woman sticking a chicken in her vagina. Listen, she probably changed her name legally to that. And we all know that feminism is confusing. And it's very coarse.

It makes perfect sense to me. I just feel like if you can shove it up there and if you can walk out of the grocery store with it inside you, then you have it. I think you gotta get out of the perimeter of the grocery store. I think it's great. I just can't imagine getting an old chicken

and it's like, I thought a fist was enough. No. I've got a video of it. Marcus has a video of her doing it somehow. Yeah, it's on Worldstar. Worldstar! Worldstar! Alright, so there is a video.

Oh, you just gotta cradle it. You gotta cradle it. She literally gets it up in her. But it's the bones that are the problem. This is dedication. This is dedication. It is dedication. Now, she's an activist, you say, Marcus. What is the motivation behind the stunt?

Chicken rights. Is it chicken rights? I feel like she desecrated a chicken corpse. I'll tell you what. If you want freedom as an artist, you go to World Star Hip Hop. That's a very good point. Yeah. She is a very good point. Yeah. She is a, yeah, okay, they're an artist collective, and they're just trying to steal a chicken

by shoving it up in the vagina. Oh, I see the art. I get it now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a Picasso. Yeah, the motto is fuck yourself whoring. That's what the motto of the collective Voina is.

I love the Russians. What would that feel like? A chicken inside of my vagina? I don't know. I just feel like it would probably poke out. I feel like it would just hit my bladder and I would immediately piss all over myself. Because that's what happens when you get pissed. It hits up

into your bladder and then you immediately want to piss yourself. When was the last time a fist was up in you? I mean, it's been years. Yeah, yeah. We don't talk about it. Maybe I was doing it wrong then, but I don't think I could say it.

You got to work your way up. You start small, and then you work it up. Yeah, I guess maybe I would start off with a steak. Like, if I'm going to be stealing meat. A filet mignon, something classy. Yeah, because filet mignons are small, and you can fit at least five or six. Right, right.

It's interesting. That's for certain. You know, I bet this wouldn't have... I think this shows how far Russia's came. This wouldn't have happened in communist Russia. No. It would have had to be a bunch of stale bread or something. I like that she picked it.

She's also with a man in a grocery store that doesn't have a shirt on. That's fine. He's got no shirt, wearing a backpack and a side. And they're smelling the chickens before they put it inside. Well, because you don't want to get, if salmonella hits you faster when you get it through the pussy.

I would think, right? Yeah. It's like butt chugging. Butt chugging. Remember the phenomenon that was butt chugging three years ago? I think that's what started

the round table. The butt chugging stories. I remember that now. Actually, it was among the first. Yeah, I think that's what started the round tape. Butt-chugging stories. I remember that now. Actually, it was among the first. Yeah, I think it was. Actually, I guarantee that salmonella hits you faster. It's got you. I can't watch this video anymore.

This is just so disgusting. I don't want to see it. It's just a close-up of her shoving this chicken inside of her vagina. It's for the movement. 110%. What is she protesting? I just don't understand. I have to know.

She is the M&M of putting chicken in your pussy. You're bigots, man. What we're watching right now is progress. What, because there's a white person on Worldstar? I mean, this is what we had to do? We had to shove a dead chicken inside of our vagina before they'd acknowledge our existence? Sacrifices must be made.

Oh, my God. I just don't understand what she could possibly be so upset about. She wasn't upset. She was smiling. What's their motto? Fucking and whoring? Fuck yourself whoring. Fuck yourself whoring.

Good Lord. Oh, Lord. Jesus. All right. Go. The bad Russians are horrible. In Yakov Shmirn, in Russia, you know, the chicken stuffs you. You're on

fire right now, man. He's on fire. The nail in the coffin. Doesn't even have the blazer on. She looks great. I'm the only one who sees it. I can see it too.

Show us now. Rasaan from Sirius Radio wants can see it too. So show us now. No, you don't want to see it. It's fucking hard. I kind of do want to see it. All right. Yeah, but wait. It's that one. It's spaghetti out the ass.

It's actually a full meal. It's a full meal. It's spaghetti and then meat. Does it come in courses? And then peppers and then sauce Okay so she just kind of made her Made dinner with her butt there Alright well that was interesting I love when the chat shuts down the show

When the chat just shuts the whole show down God they're so horrible Oh yeah they're awful people Our fans are horrible people I can't say anything because of how horrible they are They're miscreants they're awful people. Our fans are horrible people. I feel like I can say anything because of how horrible they are. They're miscreants. They're horrible people. They're, you know, the sludge of the earth.

They're Croatian. Yeah, but they're the wingest dingus, though. They're not Croatian. Most of them are Croatian. You think they're that bad? Yeah, they're all, as I call, Croatian, or as I say, quote, unquote, hidden Nazis. You know? Whatever you want to call that fucking, if you want to call it an island or whatever,

that scab of the earth is what I say it is. Kevin, would you eat that meal? No, I wouldn't eat that meal. What reason would I have? How close does a meal have to get to an asshole before you won't eat it anymore? There's no reason for a meal to be anywhere near an asshole at any point. Look, if I'm eating lunch

and I'm eating lunch outside on a nice day, somebody walks by, farts on my lunch, lunch is ruined. I'm not just going to be done. Go take a nap, wait for dinner. I'm not even getting a new lunch. I'm going to sleep. I can't even put food anywhere close to the subway,

much less like just an open asshole. And it's an open asshole, too. It's not just like through-the-pants asshole. It's an open asshole. Yeah, it ruined my night. Well, everyone expresses themselves differently, and I think we have to respect that. So you are fine with that? No, I am not. Is that what that means? I would not say think we have to respect that. So you are fine with it, Ben?

No, I am not. Is that what that means? I would not say that I am fine with it. How much ass has to be on your food before you won't eat it? Has to be? You don't eat it. No, I prefer very little content.

Yeah, but you like eating butt. I do not. Oh, he switches. He switches. We have you on record. Marcus, pull up the tape. Yeah, the tapes. Oh, he switches. Marcus, pull up the tape. Yeah, the tapes. Yeah, multiple tapes.

You were all about butt. All we know is you love eating ass. This is what we want to discuss right now. If you're going to claim you're not eating ass and you don't like eating ass, what made you switch? Jesus Christ. I found the Lord.

I found the Lord. I found the Lord. You're disgusting, man. I went to the Methodist church right near my home. Jesus probably eats a mess. Yeah. Oh. Hey, come on, man. Middle East.

Kevin's very religious. Desert ass. Yeah, yeah. It's all hot. There's nothing in the Bible saying against eating ass. Let's just throw that out there. I mean, definitely. It's not like thou shalt not fucking lick a dookie or whatever.

The reason why there was nothing in it, because they didn't feel a reason to tell people you shouldn't do that. Because they would just assume that people would not want to be eating fucking where the poopy comes out. That's what they said about privatized space travel, but hey, man, we're about to have it. Oh, yeah. Eccentric millionaires will make it happen.

Billionaires. Alright. So, Marcus. Interesting. There's no mention of anal sex of any kind in the Bible. There you go. Not overtly. They mentioned rectal spaghetti, right? Yeah, of course. Butt-getty.

That was, of course, in Deuteronomy. On fucking fire today Congratulations Where is the blazer? Jose Bank? He's hanging up like Batman has his outfit hanging up It's just cool to be around you right now Kissel takes his blazer back to Jose Bank And has them hold it for him.

Just that he can go into the store and get it from them. Yeah, it's cryogenically frozen in between his uses. Yes. Of course. Jose Bank does make a very good check. Hey, I just got a suit from there. Wonderful, right? Yeah, they measured me up.

They were very friendly. Great service. Delicate hands. Man, I love my new shirt. I was pissed about the price, but man, I've worn it twice. It's a great shirt. Did you go to Jose Bank too?

I went to Jose Bank. What the fuck is wrong with everybody? I think we already talked about this, right? 17 and a half neck and your neck was... 19 and a half?

Yeah. Wow, you got big. Strong neck. Very strong neck. Very strong. My father tied a rope around my head and a chain attached to 45-pound weights. You got to get the muscles going.

When I was 12, I was like, ah! I got a big neck. Sweetest stories about his father every time we hear them. Trash bags and weights. We were talking, and I thought about all the horrible things my dad ever did to me, and the worst thing he ever did to me was make me like the Miami Dolphins. Yeah. That's just because he just lost.

You're just upset about the loss. It's torture. It's his fault. It gets said. I blame my father. Jackie, the loss today, I mean, do we really need to say today? It is over and over again.

It is rampant. I don't understand the love of a ball game team when you're not playing the game, but you know what? I support Eddie, and I support his beliefs. What year do you think they will get even close to the Super Bowl? I don't know. Probably the year when puffins become penguins for real.

And that's not far off. So I think that we got a fucking goal here, Ed. 2023. 2023. Let's not demonize Ed's dad anymore. He's got a great family in Vegas. Does he? Reno. Oh, Nevada.

It's Shits Vegas. Shits Vegas. You can't even make it in Vegas. You don't want a Reno. Oh my. Okay. Alright. Marcus, we gotta do another... We love Shits Vegas. Marcus, we got to do it. We love Schitt's Vegas.

Yeah, it's great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got another story. I got some monkey studies. Yeah. Booga booga. I've never heard monkey studies before.

Chimps and bonobos become very... No, we've done monkey studies. Monkey studies? We've done monkey studies. Monkey studies, not monkey studies, really. We may have done... We've definitely talked about monkey about monkeys there was the monkeys that were trapped in a lab and grabbed that guy underneath that fence and fucking tore him apart yeah yeah yeah that was a real good one how's this one compared to that no it's okay it's different how many how many it's different

it's more it's it's apples and bananas would you give this one? Out of how many bananas? 20 bananas. 20 bananas? A solid 14 banana story. Okay, all right. 14 banana story, okay. 14 bananas, let's hear it. There's no 12 banana story.

No, it's better. Yeah, no, no, but a 12 banana story, it's like that's a good solid story. Yeah. It really doesn't matter. It's not really a way to measure quality. All right. Chimps and bonobos, according to a new study,

become very engrossed in movies featuring characters dressed in ape suits. Found a new study that also tested the viewer's memory skills. The primates aced the test, remembering and anticipating the memorable events that they saw on screen, even if they watched the film just one time. Prior research appears to support the findings as evidenced by

footage from Coco the Gorilla watching one of her favorite movies, Tea with Mussolini. And I knew she was an idiot. I didn't know that Coco the Gorilla was still alive. Yeah. Tea with Muss know that Coco the Gorilla was still alive. Yeah. Tea with Mussolini?

That's the movie she likes? I thought she liked Jack. Or Congo. Ooh. Do they not allow them to watch violent geek movies? You know what? It doesn't hold up. It doesn't hold up.

How dare you say that? It does not hold up. That's a great monkey movie. Really? What happened? What's the plot? Matthew Broderick teach monkeys how to fly planes. Oh, okay. And then- And then sing. It's a great monkey movie. Really? What happened? What's the plot? Matthew Broderick teach monkeys how to fly planes. Oh, okay.

And then... I thought it was Sing. It's Producers 2, but it's called Project X. I thought Project X was that house party movie. That's what I thought. Yeah. I don't think that's right. Oh, no, no, no.

You're thinking about house party. No. No. That's racist as shit. That's not even funny, man. That's racist. That's racist. That's racist. That's racist. That's racist. That's racist. That's racist as shit. That's racist. Brisson called you racist.

You're racist. What? Racist. Racist. Racist. Racist. You told me enough. What?

Because I like kid and play? I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I did think he was talking about House Party 2. House Party 10. Oh, man. Of all the people on the podcast, we called that, though. I love that it's Marcus. I love that it's Marcus. House party 10 Oh man Of all the people On the podcast

To be called that though I love that it's Marcus I love that it's Marcus Yeah Yeah I like it What town in Texas Are you from Worden

Rochester Oh okay Near McGargle Alright He's from No faggots film Oh my god Yeah not

No faggots Marcus comes up Yeah you know A house party You know a house party In the movie Where one ape Is like a delinquent Oh my God. Marcus comes up. Yeah, you know House Party. You know House Party, the movie where one ape is like a delinquent and the other ape is a gifted student. Oh, that's why you guys were calling me racist. House Party, the movie with the apes with the flat tops. Now I just got it.

Right, right, right. Okay, now I get it. The moral of the story is the apes meet in the middle. Now I just got it. Right, right, right. Okay, now I get it. The moral of the story is the apes meet in the middle. That's what happens during every Texas movie review. Oh, man, I love games from my childhood. So, well, now the story is tainted with racism.

I mean, I didn't really, that's not what it meant. It's okay. Project X, it is that reality show movie, though. What movie was I thinking of? You're thinking of Project X as well. Oh, okay. They're both called Project X? But isn't that interesting, though, that they would rather see somebody in a gorilla suit

than an actual gorilla themselves? I don't fully understand why that would be the case. Yeah, but now they can't watch any more movies because there's no people in gorilla suits anymore. King Kong's kind of a guy in a gorilla suit. Yeah, but it's all,

it's got their computer. CGI. They have to use the computer. There's still a guy making the movements. Yeah. Andy Serkis Gollum plays King Kong.

Yeah, but they could watch Playmate of the Apes and really get their fucking rocks off. Man, I love Playmate of the Apes. I love Playmate of the Apes. Does that exist? rocks off. Man, I love Playmate of the Apes. I love Playmate of the Apes. Does that exist? Really?

Oh, yeah. No, it's just like this Planet of the Apes fuck story. Yeah. Really? What? They also have one for Lord of the Rings, too. It's like Lord of the Whores. I don't know.

That's so lazy. Lord of the Whores? It's like Lord of the Whores. That's just such a lazy title. Playmate of the Apes is one of my favorite softcore porns. Isn't that something? Yeah. Yeah, they put like

monkey masks on the women. They're all strippers who can't talk really. And they're all in cages. Yeah. So the monkeys would like the original Planet of the Apes where they were in costumes

but they wouldn't like the new ones with all the CGI. And Mark Wahlberg. I think they probably have a problem with Mark Wahlberg. It was all filmed in a Mississippi basement.

How does it compare to Dinosaur Island? Oh, it's way worse. Dinosaur Island's actually a real film. It's a porn? Kind of. It's like a bunch of army guys crash land on this

island and then they don't really do shit. Well, they take hot tubs together. Do you see full vagina? No. Not in Playmate either. You don't see full pussy. You don't see open, they don hot tubs together. Do you see full vagina? Open vagina? No, no, no. Do you see flower? Not in Playmate either. You don't see full pussy in there. You don't see open.

They don't spread it open. You might see a little bush, but that's all you're going to get. That's like Emmanuel. Do you ever watch that series? Oh, yeah. Emmanuel in Space. That's the most recent one. This is old.

Growing up, you got HBO in your basement or whatever. Yeah, I had HBO and Cinemax in my fucking bedroom. Me too. Loved it. It was fucking cool. I loved it. Desert Passion, Wild Cactus. Loved these films.

What are they called? Sounds like a drug. Booty Cops. Booty Cops. Remember Buford's Beach Bunnies? Oh, yeah, I do. Did you not watch any movies that had a script attached? They had scripts attached.

We're talking Joey Travolta's in these films. Oh, yeah. Joey Travolta. No, that's the thing. I remember I was, I don't know the names of these people,

but I would always try to wake up at like 2 a.m. when people was asleep at my house and watch like Real Sex and shit. And there was always

some long-haired dude who looked like Xanatos from Gargoyles. And he was fucking everybody. And I loved that, man. It was a beautiful thing. Yeah, real sex.

There was also that one what was it, Red Shoe Diary? David Duchovny. David Duchovny. It was his show. He was the narrator. He was always really horny for it.

He had that one where he was actually in the episode. There was this naked bitch. There was a naked bitch on a raft. A woman. And then he would swim out

and then he'd bang her and then he'd swim back to shore and yell at her. And then he'd swim back out and fuck her again. No, that's a Twilight Zone episode. Yeah, that just sounds like a nightmare. Red Shoe Diaries. George S. Clinton did the music. All right.

That always confused me, because I love George Clinton. Yeah. And then I always see, I was like, I can't believe he does the music for Red Shoe Diaries doesn't make any sense. It's George s Clinton. It's some weird white guy interesting Rasaan favorite softcore porn feature film, you know I didn't get like Showtime HBO until I like was all out on my own my parents were cheap So growing up I was watching like Spice Channel. I don't know if you guys Know none of them, but like we didn't get watching Spice Channel. I don't know if you guys remember. Oh, that's right. That was very expensive. No, no, no, no.

But we didn't have cable like that, so it was all snowy and shit. Oh, yeah. It was all scrambled. It was like jacking off the shadows and stuff. Yeah. You get a glimpse of tits once every 15 minutes. Exactly. Exactly.

You try to. As soon as you see it, you close your eyes and try to remember it. Yeah. All you need is a memory. That's all you need is a memory. That's our generation's old man thing, where it's like kids, you don't even know how good you have it.

Like it used to be so hard for a young man. It used to take me two hours to get off. Yeah. That was a nightmare. You stay up all night. Yeah. Worst comes to worst, you just have to put on Telemundo

and fucking watch the game show. That or the astronaut's wife. Telemundo really was watch the game show. That or the astronaut's wife. Telemundo really was the savior though, man. If you lived in Miami, this shit, it was disgusting. Naked women.

I loved it. The way they treat their women is awful. It's old ass dudes just rubbing their hands all on their pussies on daytime television. It was beautiful.

The astronaut's wife, huh, Jackie? Yeah, always. This is a feature film that you enjoy? I mean, I've talked about this on here many times. That was beautiful. The Astronaut's Wife, huh, Jackie? Yeah, always. This is a feature film that you enjoy? I mean, I've talked about this on here many times. That was my number one jerk it film. You call it jerk it? Well, at the time, yeah.

I'm watching fucking Johnny Depp half alien rape Charlize Theron in a museum, and I'm getting off to it, so I would call that jerking it, yeah. I wasn't swabbing at it. I didn't have, like, my fucking poop deck. It was my front deck, and I was getting off to it, so I would call that jerking it, yeah. I wasn't swabbing at it. I didn't have, like, my fucking poop deck. It was my front deck, and I was jerking it. All right.

Just going to jerk that clip. I got it. I definitely understand. Kevin's shaking his head. Rahsaan's upset. Ragnar's vomiting. But that's okay. You know, it's a comedy podcast.

I mean, I would jerk you do What's Eating Gilbert Grape, so, I mean, I understand where you're coming from. I mean, yeah. Wow, you did. That big mom. Yeah, because how do you get her out of the house? Yeah, you've got to lift her out of the house. There was a man that was so fat.

I just disgusted myself. I didn't disgust anybody else, and that disgusted myself. Well, my 600-pound life, they recommend that as therapy and as a weight loss tool to have sex with the person who is 600 pounds. I don't know. I just watched a good catfish episode about that because 16 and pregnant and catfish are both on Hulu right now. You cannot watch that show. Much to the detriment of my life and my sensibilities.

But one of the catfish episodes was so sad. I was talking to this guy for 10 10 years and he was too fat. But he was like over 600 pounds. I'm sure. And then she met him. She was also fat. And she was like, yeah, I'm not going to be with you. And it was really fucking sad.

Of course, it's always sad. It was so sad. It's always sad. 16 and Pregnant is disgusting. It's a pedophilic show and as a culture. It's not pedophilic. Yes, it is. Why is there pedophilia in the show? Because they're not even of age and they a culture. It's not pedophilic. Yes, it is. Why is there pedophilia in the show?

Because they're not even of age and they're pregnant. By definition, something must have occurred that is technically illegal. All the cool kids are fucking banging at that age. I wasn't banging

at the time. I was banging. I banged at 16. I banged at 16, yeah. I banged at 15, actually. But I wasn't pregnant. Great job, Ed. I'm sure she's thrilled.

I didn't bang anybody, but I would have been so fucking hard for it if I did it should be 60 and pregnant we need to respect the elderly in this country I would never want to watch a 6 year old get pregnant you don't watch them get pregnant

yeah but imagine their lips as they gave birth I bet it would stretch to the head they wouldn't even go through labor they're experienced I'm sick of imagining lips Although I bet it would stretch to the head. I always imagine the lips. They wouldn't even go through labor. Just fall right out. Yeah. They're experienced. I'm sick of imagining lips. I've always imagined pussy lips.

Like, just during pregnancy. It's very bizarre. It's because you're all up in that amniotic fluid dream. Right. That's what it sounds like. I keep thinking about tub births and just how eccentric they are. Did you watch a documentary on tub births? No, I just keep thinking about what it is when it fills the blood. Apparently babies have gills.

You can just throw them in water. That's not true. Yeah, just let them sit there. Yeah. No, that's true. Babies don't breathe in water. Yeah, no. Really young babies, they have gills and they fucking breathe in water.

Yeah, they have gills. Like when a baby gets born, like its gills fall off after like three days. I will shoot everybody here. That's what I will do. I will do that. Yeah, they have gills. Like when a baby gets born, like its gills fall off after like three days. I will shoot everybody here. That's what I will do. I will do that. Marcus, pull up the video, please. No, no, no video.

Marcus, we've got to do another news story. This is a news story. No, baby gills is not real. I'm talking about gills on babies right now. Yahoo answers, do human babies have gill slits in the womb? Kind of. God damn it. Yahoo Answers is usually very definitive, regardless of if it's right or wrong.

But I do like kind of. All right, cool. That's why there are abortions, man. If there wasn't, it'd be a war. And we'd be losing. A lot. Every time it was going south and then they're like retreat and they're just jumping in the sea yeah we can do a new news story are you thinking about having a child holden oh sure yeah in the tub absolutely you've been with the same girl you live together. Nine or 12. I would say the only thing I've heard lately about having a child

is that for the first five months, you literally want to kill yourself because the baby doesn't stop screaming, and you actually don't fall in love with the baby, not until you can start relating to it. So you kind of want to kill the baby. What article did you read that it's only until five months? I talked to a bunch of people and they said that they want to kill their baby for five months after they have the baby. I want you to adopt an Asian.

They want to murder the baby. I would love to adopt an Asian 16-year-old and we could just play video games together. 16? No. Yeah, because he has to play video games with me. 18-year-old. 18-year-old. And I can teach him how to fuck and then we'll play video games together. I really want this for you.

Yeah, exactly. You play video games with it. Yeah, Mario Maker. The arrested development. It's the new video game where you can make Mario levels. Oh, I want to play it. Ah, so bad. With an Asian 18 year old that I adopt. You don't adopt somebody who's of age. I'll teach you how to smoke cigars

and play Mario Maker with it. I've been thinking about getting adopted. I'm kind of into like, I want rich parents. You cannot. No, I think I'm going to sell myself. I actually think that'd be a good system. Yeah. Because so many of them come over here

and they've been so pressured by their culture and their family. All they know is just like work. And if you bring them here, you're like, listen, I'm going to bring you here. I'm paying for everything. You live in my house. You're going to learn to smoke.

You're going to learn to fuck. You're going to learn to fuck. All you got to do is teach me. You can't fuck your kid. No, not like that. No, yeah. It's not a kid. You force him into a room with a woman. Video game cheats? Yeah, I'm not a racist.

I'm just saying you just have him here. Evidence is building up right now. Honestly, the older I get, the more I realize I'm probably a racist and a conservative. That's fine. I think Holden's plan makes sense. Yeah. Teach the Chinese and the Japanese and the Korean. Stick with Japanese.

All of them how to be cool. How to get pussy and smoke cigars. And that's been this week in VFW talk. I love it. How to roll joints. How to start a conversation at a party. Yeah, the Koreans definitely need help with that. They're a bunch of fucking nerds.

The Chinese know how to roll joints. I'll tell you that much. Really? Small hands. Isn't that weird? They're great at folding, yeah. Origami. Isn't Snoop's dude Asian?

They're good too, I guess. Isn't Snoop's dude Asian? That's Japanese. They're good too, I guess. Isn't Snoop's blunt roller Asian? Yeah. Interesting. All right, Marcus. Yes. Another news story?

Mm-hmm. A Florida woman living in a mobile home that was booby-trapped with more than 3,714 swords, knives, and other bladed weapons was in jail on Thursday after attacking officers who had come to arrest her. Nicole Dyke- What's the point of the booby traps? Just run inside the house if you know where the- Yeah, but at the same time, if you're not going to attack and have booby traps, then what are you fucking doing?

See, the problem is that she was outside when the cops attacked her. Cool. Yeah, yeah. Are any of these stories going to happen outside of Florida? We try. We try. side when the cops attacked her. Are any of these stories going to happen outside of Florida? We try. Sometimes Australia, a couple of Russias, but mostly Florida.

It's Russia, Florida, and Australia. Her name is Nicole Dykema. She's 47, being held without bond on charges, including assaulting an officer and resisting arrest. Authorities described a macabre scene Tuesday evening when they arrived to arrest Dykema for a probation violation.

There were blades hanging from the ceilings and the walls of her mobile home in Brooksville, about 50 miles north of Tampa. Ooh, Brooksville is a rough place, man. It's a fucking shithead's place to live. Yikes. Every time he names a small town in Florida, you guys react like that, by the way.

No, Naples is at least old people town. Naples is all right, actually. But Brooksville, that's rough, man. I don't know Brooksville. Yuck, so. Well, when officers knocked on her door, Dykema barricaded herself inside and then lunged at one officer with a sword-like weapon, narrowly missing it.

If it's sword-like, it'd be just a sword, right? Yeah. It could be a big knife. But it wasn't, like, nice enough. Somewhere between a pipe and a sword. It's a long piece of metal. Somewhere between a pipe and a sword. It's a long piece of metal.

Authorities said, oh, it took deputies five hours to subdue Dykema and arrest her. Really? Five? That's pretty impressive. Yeah. Several investigators suffered minor injuries removing the blades from the home. Authorities said they also discovered booby traps, fake skeletons, rubber Halloween-style masks. Well, you can't hold that against her. I mean, it's just kooky.

Yeah, that's just weird. And fake severed limbs throughout the residence. But she didn't do anything. They're not real. So why is that even making the paper? Because they were coming to get her for the probation violation. Probably at Jackie's house or Holden's house, by the way. It's in Bill's house and Steve's house.

She had, like, Halloween masks in Steve's house. She had like Halloween masks in there and everything? She had Halloween masks. Halloween-like masks. What is wrong with you? Your masks are Halloween-like. She was committing to the best haunted house.

That's all. To the best haunted house in that street with the booby traps with the knives and the swords and the shuriken and all that stuff.

Yeah, super awesome haunted. Well, excuse me, not Halloween-like. Halloween-style masks. Style. There's plenty of different kinds of masks. There's breathing masks. Oh, come on.

There's sleeping masks. There's face masks. Any of those you can wear on Halloween and pretend you're something. Made out of cucumber. What about one of those sleep apnea masks, the CPAP? Yeah, I'm a sick man, but it doesn't know how to sleep right. Michael Jackson used to wear a mask. Yeah, well, he used to want to give his diseases out.

That's right. Well, he didn't have any diseases. He also owned a monkey. Blanket had diseases. Has. Blanket's wonderful. And Michael Jackson's kids are amazing. I don't think that's true.

It is true. What are they doing? They're just being normal. They're rich kids. Yeah. Yeah, they're being great. I think Michael... They got a bunch of money.

Who do you think's worse off? Will Smith's kids or Michael Jackson's kids? Michael Jackson's kids. Oh, yeah. They're not doing anything. Worse off? I don't know. I think they're better off.

I think they're fine. I mean, they're not... Their father's dead. They can just have a normal... They can do whatever they like. I would never hate on somebody think they're better off. I think they're fine. I mean, their father's dead. They can just have a normal, do whatever they like. I would never hate on somebody born into money, man. Yeah, they're all being ripped apart by the whole family. Didn't Joe Jackson just die finally? No, I think he had.

Yes, he did. He had a stroke. I don't know if he did die. Joe Jackson is dead, and I apologize. I didn't understand the question. Michael Jackson's kids, I think, are doing great. Yeah. And they love Michael.

Will Smith's kids, I feel like, are total basket cases. They're about to have a bunch of bad, weird years. They're Scientologists. Yeah, they got to get into Scientology. And they get told over and over again, oh, you're great. You're special. You're the best thing in the world. You're perfect.

They got too many options, man. That's the problem. Joe Jackson, alive and kicking. Still alive. Yeah, he had, like, two strokes and a heart attack, man. That's the problem. Joe Jackson, alive and kicking. Still alive. Yeah, he had like two strokes and a heart attack, but he's a tough motherfucker. Yeah, they took him to the, yeah. It's his hate that keeps him going. He's a hate pill, man.

He can beat anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear to God. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!! I swear to God he's dead. Check the time for that.

He's not dead, Ben. Are you just looking at a random Joe Jackson from Des Moines or something? He's blind now. He's dead. Yeah, once you're blind, you're dead. I forgot. Untrue. He's also got diabetes.

Yeah, the feet go first. How good can his Kids be doing this? Isn't his name Blanket? Blanket, actually. I think he just changed his name. Yeah, he did. Blanket just changed his name. Curtains.

Biggie. Biggie? B-I-G-I. Can you blame him? Can you blame him? Wait, wait, wait. Don't fuck him. Can you blame him? He spent 13 years with that soft-ass name.

He had to go with the harder shit. Look at his face. I'm surprised he didn't change it to murderer or something like that. I want my name changed to dead gangster. Yep, Biggie. It means, oh, no. It's German in origin, and it means idealistic, sensitive, and inspirational. Oh, shut up.

Don't positive spin that. I like Michael Jackson, and I like his family. I like the blanket. I like the name blanket. He should have stayed with that. I don't know what it means. Yeah. Well, he's...

Blanket. That means we're used to hide Michael Jackson's crimes. Yeah. Leave Michael alone. Good God. You think about whoever fucks Blanket on their fuck list, they get to add the name Blanket. Something that them and all their friends,

even now that his name is Biggie, they're still going to put down Blanket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real life. Yeah, my list is full of like Emily's and Stephanie's it's not it's boring yeah nobody wanna hear about that shit no you hear how quiet it got when you said that shit now if you don't fuck the chick named sweater it could have been big yeah yeah that's very true. He banged a chick nickname sweater, but for a different reason.

Slippery night. One more story? Yeah, or a segment, whatever you want to do. Is it time for a segment or a story? I guess we could do a segment. I don't care. All right, let's do a story. Let's do a story. Ed wants a story, we do

what Ed wants. I like stories. A teen has died after his parents allegedly forced him to drink Fireball and Jack Daniels whiskey to teach him a lesson about drinking. We'll learn today. Paulette Richardson and her husband, Joseph Richardson, have been charged with involuntary manslaughter

after their son, Kendall Ball, 16, died of alcohol poisoning. Ball wanted to drink over the last three years, according to court records. In an effort to teach him a lesson, they gave him several shots over a two-hour period. Ball's biological father was an alcoholic, so they wanted him to see the hazards of alcohol. After drinking, Ball's parents put him to bed, and when they went to check on him a few hours later, he was blue and unconscious.

After EMT's transported Ball, he was found to have a blood alcohol level of.587. Oh my fucking God. That's unbelievable. That's murder. For sure that's murder. Involuntary manslaughter. But you know what? I just read a story in the Daily News today about a Staten Island cop who just got busted because he got into a wreck with a.5 BAC as well. Good God, man.

I think it was.4 or something, but yeah. What part of Florida did this story happen? This was in Urie, Wyoming. I think Florida West. This was in Urey, Wyoming 65 degrees in Urey, Wyoming right now Got a low of 50 degrees High of 68 tomorrow So wear a jacket, kids Wow, it's already so cold Definitely gets cold in the Midwest

That's for sure So these parents are terrible, huh? Yeah, I remember one time in my childhood, and I want to say it was a cousin's friend of mine, who was real stupid. I used to spend my summers in Elizabeth, and it wasn't an actual family member, but it was someone who was close to the family.

It was just like, oh, I picked up a pack of cigarettes when I was a kid, just like seven, eight years old, and they just like, oh, I picked up a pack of cigarettes when I was a kid. You know, just, like, seven, eight years old. And they're like, oh, you, like, smoke a cigarette? I was like, no, no, I don't want to. And then they're like, oh, you smoke the whole pack. See what happens to you. I was like, no, no, I don't want to. You smoke the whole pack.

You'll get fucked up. You'll get hammered. I was like, no, I just, no. The whole time I just kept, like, just like, I don't want to smoke. And they kept trying to, like, do that weird test on me just like these people didn't kill the child it's so bizarre yeah you you i think it's you into county attorney loretta gerrard said i'm not here to make parenting decisions for people but what i hope people understand is that some traditional parenting lore wives tales and theories don't apply

in an age where we have refined products that accelerate the effect of chemicals on the human body well that's boring I don't know what that means it means don't do the thing don't do the fucking like oh you want a drink I'll teach you how to drink because now it's shit like

fireball fireball's bad I was forced to drink some now it's shit like Fireball. Yeah, well, Fireball's bad. Yeah, I was forced to drink some last night. It was terrible. Oh, really? You were forced? People love it. It sucks. I feel like you shouldn't drink Fireball past, like, 22. Yeah. It's disgusting. It's the sugar that makes you

feel like fucking garbage. Yeah. Like that Jager. What? Don't ever say that again. Jackie loves Jager. I had Jager for the first time like a month or two ago. Really? First time? No, for the first time in like six years.

Oh, okay. You live in Tallahassee. I had a bunch of it back then. That's why I stopped. I became reasonable. Oh, you know, it's definitely once every six months at least. Less these days. Jaeger's sad.

It's a sad booze. It used to contain real deer blood, which not a lot of people know. That is very true. That makes me like it more. Yeah, and a lot of people drink it in Wisconsin. No, no. I mean, I'm not an alcohol snob, but Jaeger's like the one thing I don't drink. Well, I would say it's the whitest of all the liquors.

It is very white. Yes. Ragnar? Yeah, it's funny. I just read this the other day. The guy who brought Jagermeister to America, he's the same guy who invented the Grey Goose brand, all that. He invented it from scratch. So this guy is just like a hustler.

He's just a guy trying to make money. Yeah. Oh, he's filthy rich today. I'm unbelievably rich. So he goes to France, starts the whole Grey Goose. He just distills the alcohol somewhere. It's just vodka. It's nothing fancy.

You don't have to age it. It's nothing special in it. And he puts it in the Cognac region in France just to give it a little, you know, make it a little fancy, wins it some award, you know, gets the right celebrities to drink it, makes it out of nowhere. Just because you don't have to age it. It costs nothing to make. It's easy peasy.

Is there a difference between the vodka brands? You know, if you go out and you're going to pop off or you're going to smear it off. I do Belvedere. You do Belvedere? If I'm going to drink vodka. When the fuck did you do that? You grew up in a glorified trailer park. This fucking guy's a ditty son over here.

When do you do Belvedere? It's a Polish vodka and I like to help out my people. Is it not all the same? It's all garbage. I think I'd rather snowball than drink vodka. What's snowball? It's when you cum in your lady's mouth and then she kisses it back into your mouth. Yeah, but that doesn't get you drunk.

Yeah. It's a totally different thing. If you eat a bunch of pineapple, your cum tastes better. Oh, then it'll taste like pineapple. You're right. I can't do vodka. I ruined myself on vodka as a young child. I do that with rum.

I can still drink vodka. Ew, rum. Yeah, rum's bad too. But you do have Bloody Marys. I do that with rum. I can still drink vodka. Ew, rum. Yeah, rum's bad, too. But you drink Bloody Marys. I've seen you drink Bloody Marys. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but I'm talking about drinking a straight shot of vodka, my friend. I hate that.

Oh, that'll make you throw up. Nobody does that. That'll make you throw up. Russians do that. That's who does that. A lot of, which is a shitload of the world. That's why they're so irrational. They're awful people.

They're all broken, man. And the Russians also snowball constantly. Always. They're awful people. They're all broken, man. And the Russians also snowball constantly. Always. They're always snowballing. They're terrible. You've been snowballed before? I have not yet snowballed, but I'm not... If I ate a bunch of pineapple that month and it was like, she was like, let's go.

They only snowball in Russia because there's a food shortage. Yeah. They call it cheap steak. You can't waste it. You gotta recycle the proteins. Yeah, the Popeye of Russia is actually called Mr. Snowball. And instead of spinach,

he just sucks his own dick and he becomes really strong and just beats people up. Peace to Barack Obama. Little note back. Peace to Barack Obama. I heard that. It's gotta be. And speaking of which, little note back. Peace out, Barack Obama. Yeah, I heard that. It's gotta be.

And speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Old McNally. Prankin' presidents over here. This segment's gonna tank like fucking I've never seen. Ed just spit all over himself. Ed just did a spit take all over himself and me. We're prankin' presidents. Did Andrew Jackson was dominant? He was a president.

Real bad person. Okay, but he was elected, right? Yeah. Are you Andrew Jackson? Yeah. He was elected, right? Okay, and he shot the guy, right? His inauguration party. No, you're thinking of Aaron Burr.

I'm actually thinking of Hamilton. Hamilton got shot by Burr. The... Oh, boy! Alexander Hamilton got shot by Burr. Ah. The, uh. Oh, bull. Oh, bull. Yeah, the peanut butter commercial. Peanut butter, yeah.

It was milk. Anyways, Andrew Jackson, I'm going to prank him, right? I'm going to show up in front of Andrew Jackson, and I'm going to be like, hey, I have a message from the future. Use this in your next speech, and I'm going to show him a video of the Russian woman shoving the chicken up her pussy, and then I'm just going to let him go. And for the rest of his life he'll think that his entire presidency and the whole worth of his people is based on... Also he'll be like

oh my god, an iPhone 6. A supermarket. An iPhone 6, holy shit. Yeah, this is weird. Yeah, and a supermarket, holy, what is this? And then I show it to him and then then, you know, for the rest of his life, he'll just think it's, like, important to know what that was. And then he'll blow it. Hopefully, he'll end up blowing his brains out over it. It's a subtle prank, but it's good. I like it.

Thank you. I had to think of something, and that's what I thought of. I thought that was great. Thank you. Kevin? Man, I forgot until just this moment. Prank and presence. I'm going to prank the president.

What president are you going to prank? Don't choose my president. My prank. You can prank the same president as him, but you just got to be there for a prank. Oh, my God. It could be the same prank. There's a lot of presidents.

I don't know that many. I grew up in Florida. I mean, I grew up in Florida. Ah. I mean, I guess. Eisenhower. Is that what we're just saying? A president's name, right? My prank is for Eisenhower.

Oh, no. All right. I'm so scared. You're good. You were going to prank Eisenhower? God, I haven't thought of mine yet. Okay. All right. It just eliminates thought of mine yet. Okay. All right.

It just eliminates one of the 48 or whatever. I'm just trying to stir something up in my brain. All right. So we prank Eisenhower, right? All right. What's he doing? We get him in a room with fucking Mussolini and fucking Stalin. Throw Churchill in there.

Churchill. This is all possible so far Yeah and Tupac He gets them all in a room Maybe Tupac's What is the conference? Tupac's a little bit out of time But we get him in there right? So that was with FDR

It's a rap battle It's a rap That's gonna decide the fate Of World War II Given who Spits the realest shit right? that's going to decide the fate of World War II. Given who spits the realest shit, right? Wait, who represents America, Eisenhower or Tupac? And that's the question.

Tupac's still with KPR. And here's the thing, because Tupac comes in as an unknown because he's from the future. That's right. No one knows how good he is. No one knows how good he is. Yeah, no one knows how good he is. Neither does anyone know what rap is. Eisenhower, Mussolini, and Stahl are like, what you mean? I just got to say words to this beat?

All right. I'm going to just preach my shit. Tupac comes in, destroys all of them. The rest of the entire world from then on is thug life nation. And it's beautiful. What about Hitler? Is Hitler not involved? No, Hitler was in it, man.

Oh, Hitler was in it? Okay. Yeah, but he lost also. You just got to assume. Yeah, exactly. Hitler was in the MC. Tupac wins. That way, in this alternate universe, Tupac's still alive.

But the Tupac we know died. But the Tupac that decided to go back in the past still alive he doesn't get killed it's like when Superman died and then there were like four different Supermen for like a few issues

Cyborg Steel Superboy yeah you shouldn't even remember it it was so bad breaking presidents who are we doing Ben

I don't understand you want to choose a president and pull a funny prank on him what's the prank what's the president yeah I don't know I'm just going choose a president and pull a funny prank on him? What's the prank? What's the president? Yeah. I don't know.

I'm just going to let Andrew Jackson know that Obama was elected. It's not a prank. It's real life. It's real. It's not a prank. You got to- All right, John Quincy Adams. Okay. What do you do to him?

Tie his shoelaces together? Put his pants down. What's up? Yeah. Snowball him. Suck him off. Snowball him. Make him snowball himself at gunpoint.

Ooh, you're peeing his coffee. in his coffee that's always a good prank or pee in his shampoo it happens over such a long period of time you just keep putting that piss in your hair every day why do I smell like piss every day you're not going to think to look in the shampoo bottle because who does that

what are you going to think to look in the shampoo bottle because who does that? But they didn't have shampoo back then. What are you going to pick? Yeah. Tough to say. Tough to say. So John Quincy Adams, maybe I'll do something with Ronald Reagan instead. Okay. That's fine.

Switching presents, doing a switch. Yeah. Instead of jelly beans, we'll do the, I'll do ginger root. I'll change all this. I'll change. Yeah. Ginger root sucks. Actually, that's a great prank because Ronald Reagan was obsessed with jelly beans.

Why did he like jelly beans so much? He would give them to his cabinet when he was making the world worse. He always did it. Yeah, he did. They just liked it. So I would replace all of his jelly beans with ginger root. I love that, Ben. That's a wonderful prank.

Thank you. I'm a funny little prank there. Pick him. It's rigged. Rahsaan? Oh, man. The pressure rigged oh man the pressure Bill Clinton okay we can make this a group effort here

with his saxophone McDonald's while he's jogging he always jogged a bunch put hot sauce on his reed that he puts in his saxophone maybe something like with Monica Lewinsky where she's really a dude jogging. He always jogged a bunch. Put hot sauce on his reed that he puts in his saxophone. Maybe something like with Monica Lewinsky where she's really a dude. In a beret. Make her like a green beret.

A French man. Alright, very good. Monica Lewinsky is the man. There you go. Switch Monica Lewinsky. Yeah, put a blindfold. Have Monica put a blindfold on him and then she leaves and and then an Army Ranger comes in, and the Army Ranger sucks him off.

Now that's a soft core porn I would definitely watch. There we go. No dick, though. George Bush, the first one. Oh, HW, okay. Oh, yeah, we got the HW going. So basically I'm going to go back in time as my current self. Every time I looked at Barbara Bush, it always looked like she had fake skin on.

It looked like she had old age makeup on. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to pretend to be Barbara Bush from when they first meet up until. But it's like he has this idea of who this person is, but actually it's really me. So I'm like, oh, everybody should read. And I've got all this fucking clay on my face. And so I make him love me. We have children together. And then turns out down the line that not only am I Barbara Bush, but I'm also Laura Bush.

And as he went, right before September 11th, I come out. I rip off the skin off of my Laura Bush, Barbara Bush's face, and I'm me. And they don't know. They can't do anything about it. So in reality, they both fell in love with the same woman. I birthed him and our own children. And then I go back to this time period, and I'm just me. And they're alone forever.

You've got to be in Hollywood right now. You need to be pitching in the meeting rooms. Get me on the screen. I'll be all the Bush I can be. And that's my tagline. And that's the name of the movie. All the Bush you can be.

All the Bush you can be. I'll show my pubic hair if I have to. You will if you're Barbara Bush. Ed, your my pubic hair if I have to. Well, that's all the Bush. Ed, your certainty of losing is essential to this game. Am I next or is Ragnar next? You're next. Because you have to lose and Ragnar has to win.

Alright, James R. Garfield. Okay, I was gonna go with Garfield I was gonna do Garfield instead of Garfield. Are you doing Garfield instead of Garfield? Oh, is that when you go and you switch James R. Garfield With Garfield Yeah that was my other one I think that's going to win

Damn no I should have chosen that one Yeah you fucked up As we know James Garfield was murdered He was shot by a gun Shot in the stomach and then he died He's the fat one? No that's Taft He was stuck in a bathtub

Same time period, different president. Yeah. Garfield is where they got the word tafty from, by the way. I'm going to go back in time. Tafty. Yep. I'm going to show up, and I know there's someone coming to kill Garfield. Right before he goes to kill

Garfield, I'm going to jump in front of Garfield with a gun with blanks in it, and I'm going to shoot it at him, and nothing's going to happen. I'm like, ah-hafield with a gun with blanks in it and I'm gonna shoot it at him and nothing's gonna happen It's blanks And then the other guys gonna come shoot Like oh man, I'm so glad that wasn't a real That's when Leon comes in. That is a good prank. That is a good prank.

That's a good prank. That's a real good prank. I don't even know. I still actually think that I'm winning. I mean, technically, it's the best prank. Or Garfield with Garfield. Yeah, Garfield. Replace Garfield with Garfield.

Ragnar, you've just received your green card. This could get you eliminated. This could. This could. What a strange fact. Yes. No pressure. No pressure. No pressure. this could this could what a strange fact yes no pressure no pressure no pressure but men dressed in suits could show up new american how would you prank prank prank how would you prank the president not kill we're talking prank we could marry fuck kill yeah which one would you i'm i mean i like to keep them guessing so i would do a

three-stager i'd pick nixon and i'd move the nixon tapes into the bathroom so just record him taking a shit knows a lot more about our history so then he goes into he goes to do the depositions that they're gonna call him out on using all these bad words and talking up horribly about different groups of people and instead it's just an hour long of him taking a shit. So he's going to be embarrassed. Horribly embarrassed. But it's just a stage one because he walks out of it and he's thinking, well, at least they didn't play the tapes of me saying all those shitty things because that would have been way worse. But then I put saran wrap on his toilet.

So he goes in and he takes a shit and it goes all over him. It's just all over the place. He's a shit, and it goes all over him. It's every time. It's just all over the place. He's like, oh, what is LBJ again? Oh, you're the best. Oh, man. He thinks that's it. He thinks he's good.

He thinks, all right, they fooled me with the first stage. This is it. But then he takes this round wrap off, and it's all brown, reckless spiders underneath the toilet. Oh, Jesus. You really upped the ante on this. Yeah, and so he dies, probably, I'm thinking.

All right. All right, Marcus. What do we go with? Yeah. I mean, for the saran wrap alone, Ragnar gets it. Okay. Can you imagine shitty butt Nixon? There you go.

Welcome to fucking America. Yeah. Welcome to America, Ragnar. I forgot the bucket of water over the door. Right, but you put the cum in it instead of water. No Garfield, no Garfield. Yeah. Although Garfield,

replace Garfield with Garfield is pretty fun. Pretty fun. What about that Garfield joke? I mean, but that was... Replace Garfield with Garfield. Replace Garfield. It's not a real thing It's a fucking cartoon

Replace the president with a cartoon cat No no Replace Garfield the president with Foresight Comics No that doesn't make any fucking sense

Alright The show is over So that was the round Thanks a lot Doonesberry Oh my god Doonesberry Gary Gary Truendell Okay Barry. Oh. Oh, my God. I'm doing Barry.

Right now, there's to be a Gary Trudeau. Okay. Rasaan, where can people listen to you on Sirius? On Channel 100 on the wrap-up show. All right. So check that out. Thank you so much for being here. Dude, it's Barry.

All right. You can find Jackie on Twitter at Jack the Worm. Eddie Toons is on Twitter at Eddie Toons underscore. Holden McNeely is not on Twitter. Kevin Barnett. PlayStation Network catcher 6945. Give me a shout out tomorrow. And maybe we'll play some Rocket League or Mortal Kombat X. Just let me know.

I'd love to play. Find Kevin at Fatboy Barnett. I'm at Ben Kissel. Ragnar isn't on Twitter either. Marcus Parks. I mean, Ragnar, you're on Twitter, right? I'm somewhere around there. Under my own name, I think.

It doesn't matter. Marcus Parks. It does matter own name, I think. It doesn't matter. Marcus Parks. It does matter. I know it does. He doesn't want to share it. Ragnar don't need followers, man. And if you following him right now, I'm following. Man, that nigga don't need your shit.

That's it, right, Marcus? I believe it is. Rock and roll. Round table. Hoochie Coo. Hoochie Coo. Yeah. Hoochie Coo is like a ticklish Rock and roll. Round table. Coochie Coo. Mmm. Coochie Coo. Yeah.

Coochie Coo is like a ticklish rock and roll. Yeah. We should leave. I thought you were saying everything. Next week we'll get together and have a good drunken time again. Good evening. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.