The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 26: Mailman Dave

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

The Round Table has a lot to be thankful for this year. While about half of us have had the worst year of our lives, the world has followed suit and given us stories much more horrible than our current predicaments. Laugh into the abyss, that’s what we say. What did the world give us at the end of this year? Serial killers, castrations, and Mailman Dave! Tune in to find out how it all turns out on this, the 26th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen.

All right, get in it get up on my dick. I think Jackie you've got a prayer for the Lord. Oh Do I? All right, well we're ready to go. We're ready. Oh, yeah. All right. Go ahead Jack Dear Jesus Christ Lord and Savior of us all So miss your motherfucking birthday. Motherfucking birthday. Happy birthday, Jesus. I pray that we all get through the holidays without

drinking ourselves till we puke and then swallow it again like we did last Christmas. That's how Jimi Hendrix died. And Jim Morrison. They didn't come back to life. They didn't come back to life. So I'm praying we make it to New Year's so we forget

about the worst year everybody's ever had. When did she get wasted? I'm not even drunk. Just sad. I did just pray for a shot of tequila before I came in here and I got one. So apparently prayer works.

So I hope everyone has a really nice holiday. I hope everybody gets laid. I hope everyone doesn't cry. Merry Christmas. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. Give Tiny Tim his legs To working

Alright Give Tiny Tim his legs to working Alright Who is everybody? What's going on here? Jackie Broski Ed Larson I used to be Holden McNeely All right. Who is everybody? What's going on here? Jackie Broski. Ed Larson. That's you, man.

I used to be Holden McNeely, but now I'm better because I'm Henry Zabrowski. Do it for him. Yeah, fuck that dude. Sorry, ass mother. I'm Kevin Barnett. I lost my voice hating on Koshin last night. I had to do it. Hating, meaning sucking Koshin's cock and balls.

Yeah, he's enjoyable. Play has got to play. ball has got to bell. I'm Ben Kitzel. We have a massive chuckle out tonight, full of hilarity. We've got the very handsome Bill Chambers with us. Hello, Bill. Hello. He runs a show on Tuesday nights called... World's Greatest Grandson.

World's Greatest Grandson. We've got John... You've both done that like six times. What's that? We've got a brother-sister duo. We got John and Molly Neville. Well, we have a dueling brothers and sisters duo. We're going to have a nice little Turkish bath competition

to see who can sweat more at the end here. We win. No, between the Zebrowskis and the old K-Nefs. And then, of course, the very, very talented, self-proclaimed hippie, Mr. Alex Grubard. Thank you for being here. Hey, man. Absolutely. What's going on, bro?

We all be brothers, man. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus Parks, what do you got for us? We got a new serial killer on the loose. Absolutely. Hell yeah. About time. It's been too long.

Oh, yeah. Four bodies have been found on a Long Island beach. Oh, I heard about this fucker. Prostitutes. Oh, classic. Who we probably met on Craigslist. Oh, all right. Vintage.

Everyone's lazy. Everyone is lazy these days. But he's using the internet, though, at the same time. So he's a modern vintage kind of deal. Yeah, he's a serial killer 2.0. But if you wipe him out all at once, you're not a serial killer, though, right? Or are they in various forms?

There's more than four prostitutes in Long Island. No, yeah, he didn't kill them all at once. I mean, he just dumped them all in the same spot, which is a very bad strategy. That's his thing thing he loves that place there was one time that he fell asleep in that place and was like this should be a good place for a bunch of dead hookers to be absolutely he just goes back there he meditates he reads people forget he's a scholar really what were you gonna say kev uh no you just looked at me

and i laughed at what you said i No, I thought I cut you off. No, you're just putting all the bodies all in the one spot. And there's another serial killer who got busted in 96. I think he started in 93. A dude from, I think it's Staten Island as well, right? Yeah, Staten Island. Killed 17 prostitutes in a four-year killing spree. And he was just interviewed by the news.

And the dude just tore this new serial killer apart. That's crazy. He's a fucking novice. He's a fucking hack. And the guy was like, when I was killing, I would take hours out of my day, drive people to all different locations, mutilate the bodies. Yeah, he's the Bruce Springsteen of murder.

He is. He is the boss of serial killers. He's like, I'll kill people across this nation until I die. Absolutely. And he has no respect for this newbie coming up. Absolutely none. I just feel like at least they're cleansing the population. Kill them.

I want them all dead. Prostitutes are a fantastic breed of gal. Beautiful people. I love prostitutes. I mean, they're humans. So it's difficult to just... Yeah, but like, if they were pretty, beautiful human beings, like, they would be hookers and not prostitutes.

So if someone were to kill Holden, it wouldn't count? That is true. Because of his bad skin. Because of the bumps on his neck. Tiny eyes. Holden's gone. Henry's here. It's new waving down.

Tell you what, man, this room smells a lot better. John, what do you think about this recent serial killer? Weigh in. Pro? Are you against? Are you for? Am I pro or not? Well, what I want to know is over four years, so 17 bodies, the old guy, 17 bodies

over four years. What's he doing on the other nights? Because I feel like being a serial killer is like 17 bodies, the old guy. 17 bodies, over 40 years. He's 93, yeah. Yeah. What's he doing on the other nights? Right? Because I feel like being a serial killer is like, if you're a comedian, you're going up six nights a week, but if you're a serial killer, you're only killing once every few months. So, like, what else are you doing?

You're chopping up the body, you're driving, finding locations to, you know, scout. He took his time. He didn't Google prostitutes I can kill. He's like, oh, Craigslist, look at that. And then he'd just immediately hook up and murder him. This guy is a total hack. The rest of the time he's probably just legitimately enjoying the prostitutes.

Well, that's what he said. He said he got addicted to the companionship. Also probably watching a lot of Zodiac. Yeah. Watching Law and Order SVU, he's like, ah, new form of rape. You gotta watch the greats to be the great,

man. Amari Stoudemire just watched a whole bunch of closing footage of Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan, and that's why he's been doing so well. This guy, you gotta study the best serial killers to really know how to slice and dice the proper dead whore. Amari Stoudemire would be a great serial killer. He's gigantic. Gigantic, Jewish,

incredible. Yeah, he's awesome. He's Jewish? Yeah, he converted. Wow! Muscle! He found out his mother was Jewish

like two years ago and he's just been like super Jew ever since. That's amazing! Now he really can kill absolutely anybody he wants

and get away with it. It's just revenge. Right? I don't know if that's true. I don't think it's real. No, it's like the whole with it. It's just revenge. Right? I don't think that's true. I don't think that's real. No, it's like the whole Holocaust thing. It's like, oh, but...

We almost made it to the Holocaust. Every time. Only 15 minutes in this time. Actually, seven and a half. Oh, seven and a half? The Bill Gibson thing where he called Winona Ryder an oven dodger. An oven dodger, yeah. This was 15 years ago.

That's an intense little phrase, though. I'll tell you what. See, I call oven dodgers little potatoes I don't get to when I make my Italian potatoes. You're a little oven dodger, little potato. Oh, you didn't make anything of it. And now we've equated the Holocaust to a potato set. So everything's on track for this one. Thanks, guys.

That's good. I've got to give Mel a break. He said that 15 years ago when he was drunk at a party. No, I know. I'm giving him props. I still love Mel Gibson. I thought it was a good one. All that I've learned from all that I've heard about Mel Gibson is I really want to drink with him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be a great time. No press is bad press, man. He's all over the place. Yeah, me too, man. It's going to be a little bit more dangerous for me, but I feel like to drink with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like a great time. No press is bad press, man. He's all over the place. Yeah, me too, man. It'd be a little bit more dangerous for me, but I feel like I should enjoy it. Oh, yeah.

Because he's also, you get the feeling he's one of the guys you could just completely make fun of, too, right to his face and you'll just laugh his ass off. But no, me being black, I'd probably try to stab me or some shit,

but that'd be fun, like dodging it. They call you a knife dodger and shit. Yeah, you're trying to stab me. It'll be a fun little evening, man. I don't know. I hope that serial killer doesn't get caught for a little while, though. He's got to learn his trades.

We've got to get him down to the D-leagues. It's also getting all of the advantages of having a city gripped in fear. Yeah. It's all just like people are a little nicer. It's like when Rudy Giuliani was the mayor. Everyone was so scared to do anything.

Does this guy have a nickname yet? No, no. Rudy Giuliani the serial killer. Father of Batboy. Are they trying to coin him anything? As far as the news of the post hasn't. Well, the thing is that there's already been a Craigslist killer. Although this guy has already doubled up.

He hasn't done anything to set himself apart yet. He just starts wearing really big shoes. He's like, ah, you see that? Oh, it's the big shoes murderer. Walking up and down with them big shoes on. You know he's a murderer. This guy must be so desperate now. He's probably going to show this.

I'm a serial killer. It just points to his face. Why does nobody notice me? This is why I kill. So poorly. Grubart, if you were a serial killer, what would be your strategy? Are you going to start littering the bodies all over town?

Are you going to put them in one spot? Who are you killing, too? I'm not telling you where I hide any bodies. Smart men. Yeah, right? You'll find out soon enough. See, I wasn't going to kill the prostitutes. I feel like the prostitutes have been overused and over-murdered.

I think you've got to murder a higher class of person these days. Kids. Oh, yeah. Kids are my class. Kids will get you famous. Actresses. Sharon Tate. That's probably where I would hide bodies.

Manson's old house. I would just go to pet stores and just fuck up all the turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Killer. That would get you some names. Just ruin kids' whole day just going to houses. Fucking turtles are dead. It's just dramatic enough to make a serial killer.

You're just a breeding ground. You're a playground for fucking creating Oh man, it'd be like in Cannibal Holocaust when they cut the shell off of that fucking... It's so awful.

It's so rough to watch. It's like the Cayman Islands, man. Yeah, if you haven't seen Cannibal Holocaust, it's a devastating film. I haven't seen it yet. It sounds fun. It's a rough to watch. It's like the Cayman Islands, man. Yeah, if you haven't seen Cannibal Holocaust, that's a devastating film. I haven't seen it yet. It sounds fun. It's a juicy movie.

Well, it was set in, what is it, in Prague or something? It sounds like something that should happen. You know, like the Holocaust of the cannibals. You know, you get them all together, you murder them, it'd be great. The problem is they would just all take care of each other. And then eventually the people running the Holocaust. Yeah. The cannibals really actually quite imagined it dodging ovens. No one really knew that. of each other. And then eventually the people running the Holocaust. Yeah.

Animals really actually quite imagined it dodging ovens. No one really knew that. Those are the real oven dodgers. There we go. In Cannibal Holocaust they used all real animals because it was in a foreign country and before the time of animal rights. They just hacked the shit out of the huge fucking turtle.

They eat it, though. I don't think that ever makes it better. I never understood that argument. This is a complete waste of meat. I guess not. The animal is like, oh, but thank you. Now I've made you happy. It's like killing a woman and then fucking the corpse. At least I fucked her.

It's not even close. It is. I eat meat every day. the corpse. Well, at least I fucked her. You know? It's not even close. It is, because the animal isn't any happier or less happy. I eat meat every day. I never look at his rape after murder. It is. It's rape after murder. What are you eating? The rump? The roast?

That's tush. I see it as very similar. But speaking of mutilations, that German story is amazing Marcus Oh my god It always gets dark this time of year Always kinds of weird murders It's cold, that's why Wisconsin brought all the serial killers

It's the freezing cold Yeah but at the same time we made that same statement When it was hot outside People already made all the serial killers It's so hot outside Spring and fall, everyone's just having a good time hanging out. Everyone looks their best spring and fall. No one's sweating or fucking freezing.

So this German guy, his daughter was dating a man that was 19 years old or 19 years older than his daughter. And how old was she? He was 47. Okay, so she was of age.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was 29, 28. 19 years? Something like that. I don't know, 10 years older than the girl's father. Anyway. She's 17. Yeah, she's 17.

Oh, and the guy was 57. Oh, you got your numbers entirely wrong. How do you come up with those numbers at first? It's gross. I have no idea. I don't do well with numbers. Just imagine his old hands rubbing up on his tiny young legs. Just imagine.

Oh, God, it's nipples. So basically... All right, so here's what happened. The father of the girl took a buddy, went over to the older man's house, and castrated him with a butter knife. What? A butter knife? It was a butter knife. Come on!

And then they took his balls with them whenever they left. That's great. They left him his dick and they took his balls? Oh yeah. Oh my god. That's the best German parenting I've ever heard of. At the same time, the thought would cross my mind

as a father. I'd make a saw-like torture device on the man who was essentially raping my daughter. I still don't trust these German fuckers, man. I'm sorry. They just have crafty thoughts. Fuck life, dude. That's some sick shit.

I would probably like take the balls in front of him and like pop out the balls from the sack. Like in spits. Peat pots. Oh, peat pots. Have you ever seen it? Like edamame. Have you ever seen BME Pain Olympics It was like

Oh I saw that That was the most Disgusting Shit That was like Nasty as shit Do you guys remember Those toys

That you get at like Gift shops That were those Two balls That when you like Rotate them in your hands That like sings A little

Oh yeah That's for some reason That's the only thing I can picture You make a good point Germans are very stressed out Maybe they just wanted To get a new stress reliever and the best thing were actually

testicles. Those Chinese medicine balls. Medicine balls. I'm watching the Pacific a lot lately. I think that we've all forgotten about World War II too fast. There's still got to be some hate going on over there.

Also, I'm getting really loose with the word Jap. I can't help myself. Jewish American princess? You're going slanted. I'm going slanted. I can't help myself. Slanted is worse than Jap, though. I think there's something going on still. You don't drop two nukes on a very sad culture

and they become the happiest culture in the world. We can't do this. on a very sad culture and they become the happiest culture in the world? Because they were, they're a very, I'm not kidding, I can't, we can't do this. It's just, they're a humble people. After you, after you, you, you, you blow the fucking balls off. Nuked them twice. Nuked them twice.

They're very happy to have a new boss. That's why they work so hard for their family at the restaurants. And the laundromats and all these other various places that these cultures seem to gravitate towards. It takes long hours of underpaid work. I'm just saying all's not forgotten. Keep your eye on them. That's all I'm saying. Well, alright.

You're hooked now. You're looking for our eye on the Japanese people and their culture in general. Make sure it doesn't get too out of line. Let's lock them up. Let's put them in camps like we did. We tried that. Let's lock them up. Let's put them in camps like we did. We tried that. It didn't work.

Let's do it again. Let's nuke them again. Jackie, Jackie, we're trying to get more iPods from them. We gotta get one more PlayStation out of them before we... I thought you were gonna say we're trying to get more Japanese listeners. That's over and done with.

Sorry. Hey, but I enjoyed the shit out of Dragon Ball Z, though. I love Japanese culture. I love sushi. I love soy sauce. I love ergonomic pillows. I love tiny tubes to sleep in like they do in huts.

Tiny tubes? They sleep in tiny tubes? Oh huts and their... Tiny tubes? They sleep in tiny tubes? Oh, yeah. They're called... What are they called? I forget what they're called. Honeycombs. Coffins!

Suitcases! Well, coffins. Coffins and little honeycomb apartments. Yeah, they sleep in little tubes. It's adorable. You would flip out if you ever got into one of those. You'd be like... You know, that's why I live in America.

I live here. Yeah. I wear big pants. I live in America. I wear big pants. I live in a big apartment. I've got a stove. I can have as many children as I want. I eat more than rice. I love being in America.

Rice is pretty amazing. I would probably tape down my kids' feet, though, to make them abnormally small, so they can't stand. You guys are just talking about China for the last time. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, it's more racist, I think, to talk about, think about

talking about Japan, but you're actually just talking about China because it shows how ignorant you are. You have no idea. I'm just talking about over there. Over there. Oh, yeah. The other half of the world.

Yonkan air. Yonk it there. This is fine. Well, that's good. Speaking of other parts of the world, the Swiss are considering legalizing incest. Love it. Well,

I think that we're going to have a good time tonight, guys. This is very contrary. Isn't that where that one dude was just arrested who had his daughter and all of her children in his basement? That was Germany, wasn't it? Yeah, that was Austria. That was Austria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Joseph Fritzl.

Yeah, it was a Fritzl character. Ah, Fritzl's pretzels. I know, they're so good. I can't believe he was raping and murdering children. Delicious pretzels. Nice and buttery. Very buttery. I like it.

So what's their reasoning? It's just, you know, brothers and sisters just want to fuck that bad? As a matter of fact, we'll have to talk about that. I didn't know that it's already legal in France and Russia. Everything's so romantic in France. But is it like brother-sister or is it like cousins? I think it's grown-ups and their grown-up children. Ooh.

What? I should say parents and their grown-up children. So it's like one of those situations where your wife dies. It's like that Columbia professor. Oh, man. Just arrested for having a relationship with his daughter. It's kind of like Woody Allen. Bringing it back to incest and Japanese people.

It's kind of like breeding crippled dogs. Yeah. It seems so weird to me. So you just have a child just to raise your perfect wife? Well, your wife dies and then you need to replace her. And your daughter looks just like a young version of your wife.

Right. So I guess then you... Henry may have thought this out already. It's like one of those Russian toys that just has a smaller toy inside of it every time. And so you get your daughter pregnant and then she has a little weird boy That looks like her father He just cuts open this prostitute There's going to be a tine here Thunder prostitute

It's like one of those eggs That would be awesome Look at that hilarious prostitute I found Inside this other prostitute That's right It's too bad you always get to kill the one on the outside prostitute I found inside this other prostitute. That's right. It's just too bad he wasn't going to kill the one on the outside. Status was retarded. Disgusting.

Double murder. Yeah, he's just super happy. I'm just trying to find the furniture. So scary. No, but John or Molly, have you guys ever thought about kissing or anything like that? I know when I was growing up, I was guys ever thought about kissing or anything like that? I know when I was growing up.

I was hoping that we were going to be above that. No, we're definitely above that. We just equated the Holocaust to potato salad. But no, when I was growing up with my brother, my oldest brother, I used to always sleep on his butt. With my head. I would always sleep in the same room as him. He'd be like, do you want a pillow? In your house as a child So I'm just saying

Sexuality between brothers and sisters Is very common if you guys want to come forward And say anything You're the only one with a horrible personality No, no, no There's other stuff going on There's other things Stop trying to justify your childhood

Don't be an inc-homophobic. I mean, Henry and I do a lot of weird sexual tension things for comedy, but in reality, Henry and I do not touch. I actually don't enjoy touching you at all. We have sucked on opposite ends of a candy bar together though, so remember that? That was quite possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever done. That was disgusting. It was disgusting to watch.

What? You just gotta keep these secrets. I think it was great. I thought a secret was in front of a crowd. Yeah, it's true. You did it for paying people. People paid to see that. Yeah, it's true. You did it for paying people. People paid to see that. Yeah, but you did not get paid.

Oh, you guys did? Yeah, no, nobody's... I feel like enough people have asked Molly and I about this, though, that people would pay, like, exorbitant amount of money for that. Some Swedish billionaire would pay you both $10 million apiece to watch you make out. See, that's what you guys went wrong. They're holding out for the big bucks. You guys are doing it for free.

Yeah, I know. We're like sluts. Kickstarter program. It's just videos of you guys just getting closer together. Get John inside of Molly. The thing is, if we had kids with our separate brother and sister combinations, they would be either really funny or really fucking retarded. But I would shoot that chance.

Wow, I think Jackie just hit a job. You weren't even looking at him when you said it. No, we were looking at each other like it was a plan. It was like our genetic soldier program. Jackie and I are like, You know what would be interesting? Kind of like the plot of a Disney movie. What Disney movies have you been watching? I try to make love to John

until he lays some sort of egg. Is that what it is? We just make love enough. They think of you, yeah. It's like D-A-D-T being repealed. I don't think that genetic makeup would work. The Zebrowski-Naphol mix, it would just explode right inside of you.

I wouldn't have Henry's egg. I don't think it's possible. It would be like in Total Recall, Schwarzenegger's head when he was that woman. He just took it off and couldn't handle it. Boom. It would be terrible inside of you. Shaking can of soda.

The great New York City comedy tragedy when Molly Neffel and Jackie Zabrowski both died from having babies that were too funny. And that's how Gallagher was born. Yeah, Molly just splits open, Gallagher walks out. Gallagher born again. He's got one flame hand, he's like shooting it across town. Gallagher owns society. Gallagher is the devil.

Well, we got a lot of kidnapping, well, hostage-taking stories this week. Oh, thank you. Good, good, good. So that was the guy in Florida who took an entire school board hostage for reasons that we don't really know. And he spray-painted that V for Vendetta. He loved that movie so much.

He literally, that was his, he never read the book. He didn't do anything like that. He just watched that movie over and over again, and that was his motivation. What a horrible shot. His wife got fired like a week earlier. Yeah. So he just like went nuts on that movie. He was trying to get a job back in the most ineffective way possible.

Hank, just don't. I'm fine, Hank. Don't go in there with a gun. That Ginger No thing is amazing. We were talking about when Ginger acted in that video. Yeah. Remember, Ginger snuck up behind him with the pocketbook, and you just heard,

Ginger, no! Ginger, don't do it! And, like, Ginger... He completely blew up her spot. That guy would have got her killed. Absolutely. She was like a fucking G.I. Joe. I had no idea she was there.

And then the guy's like, Ginger, no! Ginger, no! And she's like, shut the fuck up, Harry. I'm about to neutralize this fucker right now. I've been waiting for this for years. She did a terrible job.

She barely hit him and then just collapsed. She moves so slow. And he's like a slow-ass dude. Has everyone seen this video or no? No. She ran up on him. She's like, I'm going to make this guy uncomfortable for a second by putting this purse on him.

You're going to have to link this video to the website. It's a school board meeting, right? Something like that in Florida. This guy's wife got fired, so he's all upset. He goes in with a 45. 300 pounds, too. Oh, a big ass. A healthy American man.

And he goes in with a gun. And holds him hostage for a little while. And then goes in with a gun and, you know, like, holds him hostage for, like, a little while, and then this woman comes in, and she has to be, like, 55, 60 years old. She's old, like, 70, I think, right? Oh, she's seen one too many movies. The oldest ginger I've ever seen. Oh. The oldest woman named Ginger.

They don't usually last long. No. Long Island. But anyway, so this woman tried to get the gun out Immediately collapsed And the dude just shoved her away Didn't shoot her though, thankfully He made all the women leave

All the women get out of here And then he's tried to shoot this guy Shot three times, missed every time He's so close to the guy Missed every time Apparently what happened was the bullet hit the trapper keeper The dude's metal part on the guy I missed every time What happened Apparently what happened Was the bullet hit The trapper keeper The dude's like Metal part of the guy's

Trapper keeper Paul you're telling me The metal part of a trapper keeper Will stop a fucking bullet It'll make it go In not to your head Yeah It'll divert

That's insane Yeah And then a security guard Fucking champion of the day Oh man Shot the fuck out of him Right in the leg That's another great

It's like an action movie story He was like a 70 year old guy in the Verger retirement. He wasn't even supposed to be there that day. I was watching the interview with him and he's like kind of like, he's like next to tears and he's like, I've never once fired my pistol but I knew this one time. I had to

make it count. You know what I'm saying? He had a bullet like his car was like 1973. That's when I put the bullet in this gun. So I never have to fire it. It was great. Good for him, eh? I just can't believe there's an armed guard at a school board meeting.

I know, that's what I thought. He was just there to answer questions about security protocols, and he had a gun on his ankle. Oh, wow. which is sweet pretty like a little snub nose yeah like it's like one of those it's like a fat old man gun yeah i want one so bad yeah you sit you get down on one this one's for you yeah so the guy shoots the guy in the leg he he goes down, and then I don't know if the guy, like,

They have to lose brains out. Well, yeah, then the guy lied down and just shot himself in the fucking head. Oh, okay. That's not going to get Bonnie's job back. He didn't even shoot to kill. He just shot him in the leg and dropped him. Oh, I thought he killed him. This guy was half-assed.

He didn't want to kill anybody. He was way over his head. He was just like, oh, this isn't like, where's Natalie Portman? I thought this was like V for Vendetta. At a goddamn elementary school, he's Natalie Portman? I thought this was like V for Vendetta. He's a security officer at a goddamn elementary school. He's not trying to kill people. I mean, I guess he was, but just a terror. I hate people who are half-assed.

At least the serial killers fucking do it, you know? Good for them. Kudos. This guy's pathetic. All right, so officially we condone serial killers But not half assed It's just their work ethic It's having an idea and seeing it through Until you get it done

I just gotta make sure what I'm behind Absolutely A lot of us control for prostitutes online Go on dates with prostitutes But not many of us could actually go through And strangle those prostitutes And look for the smaller prostitute inside of them It takes a little dreamer.

Hoping that it's Gallagher. Absolutely. Good for those heroes over there in Florida. The other hostage story that we got this week, a 17 year old in France took 20 toddlers hostage with a sword.

That's the most adorable hostage situation ever. Stop peeing most adorable hostage situation ever. Stop peeing in the corner, Johnny. Johnny. At some point, he's just going to have to turn extremely paternal and kind of take care of the kids. Take them to the bathroom, hold a winky. He's going to turn into Mr. Mom.

Like trying to clean, you know, like a vacuum cleaner blokes him. But every once in a while, taking out the sword and being like, fucking sit still, babies! We let 13 go throughout the morning. He was releasing them one at a time. To slowly crawl out of the house? One of them fucking escaped. Like, one of the babies

escaped the end zone. And that baby grew up to be Steve McQueen. Yeah. No kidding. Yeah, how the fuck did the baby escape? It's a car rated Rugrats. Yeah, Rugrats meets Passenger 57. What was his motivation?

Why did he take the hostage? He wanted a family? It's unclear what his motives were. It is, because it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's in France. In the town of Besancon.

Oh, yeah. Besancon. I love Besancon. Which means that that guy was just standing there with his sword and the 20-some children just screaming, French children are so fucking annoying. Oh my God.

You ever hear a French kid yelling in a restaurant? He's going to fucking slit his throat. Papi, papi, pa-lo-to-ko-ka-pa-lo-to-ko. Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Oh my God. Geez. I wonder if he changed any of their diapers. I had to. I had to. Because he's just like, this poo-poo smell is making me not just vigilant with my son. You went Italian for some reason.

You went Italian. What do we think of French people? In Miami, it's like a polio. I just imagine he's like trying to take, that's why the kids got away imagine He's like trying to take That's why the kids Got away He's like trying to Take care of one

He can't take Keep track of everybody With one sword Get back here No you get back here It's the worst weapon To wrangle a child Better off with a chain

Better off with like Eight hours of Barney And whatever Fucking badass Kid French show is over there. And they'll just sit down and not move. Kids don't know they're scared of a sword. They love the sword.

They don't know what sharp is. No, they don't understand anything. You've got to kill the kid. You've got to kill one kid in front of all the other kids immediately. I don't even know if they get that, man. They've got nothing on the inside. Babes don't understand anything. Kids are dumb.

Kids are stupid. They're all stupid. He had two swords. Well, there you go. He's like Donatello. Like Leonardo? Yeah, Leonardo. I just watched that recently. Unbelievable. It's good.

April O'Neil is so hot, man. Michelangelo had the dumb jokes. Calabunga! Didn't it make more money than any other independent movie of all time? Is that an independent movie? Yeah, it is. It's what started New Line, pretty much. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Or Elm Street. It's fucking awesome. It's great. I wish I was one of those kids so bad I would totally be part of the Klan. The foot? Do you remember that? The foot Klan.

Yeah. Just to clarify. The head of the KKK. The head of the KKK. Not allowed. Ben Kislefer said it. I always want to be part of the Klan. Can you vote for him? No. I always want to be in the Klan.

So they could just Take that clan He's done man He's over done with It's the 80th worst thing I've said on this thing But those kids are having a great time Is it really a hostage situation? Do they even know

They don't know they're being Yeah but they're being kept away from their parents The parents know they're being But they but they're being kept away from their parents Yeah, no they're being but they even for kids forget. They that you're their parents. They'll call anybody mommy Little brains in there my parents were, man. When I spent long enough with a child. What were you like with a child? I was just friendly.

Mom, dad, open child. Mom, dad, no. I'm not your father. You're too fat to be my son. Well, good for that guy. I hope he got some cash anyway for the kids. You still got the babies because the parents just won't take them back? They're like, thank God, we've got our life's Well, good for that guy. I hope he got some cash anyway for the kids. Something like that. He's still got the babies because the parents just won't take them back.

They're like, thank God, we've got our life's back. There's going to be one group of parents who are just like, finally, a babysitter we can trust. We know the children are going to be there for at least 36 hours. And he needs to keep my kid alive. Absolutely. You can't get money for dead babies. We'll switch in subjects here a little bit.

A postman in, let's see here, in Milwaukee. Oh, is this Milwaukee? This is Milwaukee. Hey, all right. Hello, Wisconsin. A postman in Milwaukee decided that he, to cheer one of his people on his route up, he decided to deliver her mail naked. Oh, that's great.

That's just nice and good, dude. Yeah, yeah. Showed up at her office. This was... Not the best idea. At one o'clock on a Saturday. Was it her mail from home, and he showed up at her office naked with her mail from home? Yeah.

That's why you do this. Her mail from home, and he showed up at her office naked with her mail from home? Yeah. Oh! That's why you did this! Oh! Oh! That's amazing! Yeah. Why did he think that his naked body delivering her the mail would cheer her up? He just watched Sleepless in Seattle like 50 times in a row, and he's like, I'm doing

this my way. That's right. I mean, he even had a net, like they called him Mailman Dave. Like he knew this woman. Not the most clever nickname, really. He wasn't a mailman, his name was Dave. Mailman Dave.

How did the lady feel about such a thoughtful gesture on that guy's part? Here's the quote. The woman opened the door and saw that the man was naked and she just said, give me the mail and get out of here. He probably walked away so sad.

It crushed him. He's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna fuck this bitch so hard tonight. He's like playing like, in your eyes that I have to hear. He immediately How would you feel, Molly? In your eyes that I have to hear. How would you feel, Molly? How would I feel if my mailman... Let's just say I'm in love with you.

I have a job at the postal service. I know where you work. You're a lonely gal. It's Saturday, 1pm. You got some messages. I should say that I work at an elementary school so you should know. I'll leave my sword at home. Taking that out of the picture, I'd say I appreciate the thought.

Very nice. How could you not, man? He's putting himself on the line. You see all of him. He's giving himself to you. Women want men to be more open and vulnerable. By which they mean more naked. Those are all great notes.

Unconsensual nakedness. Didn't anybody outside be like, oh, mailman Dave's walking naked with some mail. I wonder where he's going. Oh, I guess he's doing something romantic. Just walking the street like whistling. Something's weird about Dave today.

I can't put my finger in it. He's naked. Was he still wearing the hat? That and the bag. That and the bag. It sucks. When she says no, he moves the bag in front of his penis. Somehow he has suspenders on.

He said that he immediately started apologizing. Oh, I'm sorry. I just didn't know you. I thought this would... I'm sorry. And you just know how sad that little butt must have looked walking away, all pink from the Wisconsin cold. Yeah, it's like four degrees outside. I mean, this guy really did above and beyond.

He needs to be given some sort of mail award. Maybe she was sending him mixed signals. I bet she was, man. He's like this. He was like, this month, this is the month. I'm employed He was like this month I'm employed a month I'm doing this I'm glad we managed to blame the victim

The worst victim of all time She must have had Victoria's Secret catalog She told me that every day And he's just like No she's a slut. I know she's a slut. It had to have started off as some kind of personal joke. It's like, would it be hilarious if I showed up here naked?

And she's like, not really. Yeah, it would be though, right? It'd be really great. Oh, not here in your office? That would be funny. Oh, Ben. your office? That would be funny. Oh, Ben. That's great, but everyone probably loves Mailman Dave. Everyone's like, you know Mailman Dave?

He's so funny, so humorous, and she just knows that he's very creepy and going to show up naked at her door one day. That's a very hard position for her to be in. Why don't you give him a chance? Why do you have to turn him down so hard? I guess you kind of have to turn that down. I think you literally have to because it's completely inappropriate. And you can't fuck a man at work.

You'd be like, come back when you're off the clock. I know you probably have a lot more packages to deliver today. It's also got to be tough to go to jail naked. To have to go into holding naked. Was he arrested right away? He was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior.

Okay, even if it worked, like, did he really want to have, like, oh, how did you guys meet? Well, I got naked and I showed up at her work. Yeah, it works. They have a great night. They get wasted. That's a bad walk of shame the next day. Just fully nude. And you're just like, this isn't so fun anymore.

No, that walk of shame that day when he just walked away from the avenue. Just sad. Just sad as a walk of shame. Sometimes I feel like life gives you its own sentence, and this guy should probably just be able to go free. Yeah. I mean, the man's a joke now.

Mailman Dave is a joke. He needs medical attention. He needs to go see a psychologist. Mailmen are all lunatics, man. They are. They're all fucking lunatics. I don't care what anyone says. They're good at numbers.

What makes you so crazy while being a mailman? It's the monotony. Every day. Yeah, but everything's the same. I get up and sit on my couch. I don't have a job. Yeah, I cook cheeseburgers every day. Sometimes you cook a chicken wrap.

Sometimes you make some french fries. It's always mail. Is that what you're saying? Always mail. But it's always food. The best thing that you can hope for as a mailman is that you get a paper cut that day so you feel something. It is a terribly, all terrible profession.

They gamble so much. They're all crazy gamblers. Really? Oh, man. It works. They gamble so much. They're all crazy gamblers. Really? Oh, man. It works. They all come to my work, and they're all regulars, and they drink our dollar beers.

There's like four of them. They have a bottle of whiskey in their tote bag, and they drink it throughout their shift, and they drink a whole bottle of whiskey every day, and they come to my work and just drink pitchers and pitchers of beer all night and bet on horses. It's just like Charles Bukowski. It's like the real fucking thing. It's so insane.

It's really what they do. And they just talk about the horrible women they fuck on their route. There you go. And they just talk to me about it, and it's just horrible. They're the worst people. They all shit. One of them shit themselves the other day. Are you sure these are male men? I just hope most people who come here shit. One of them shit themselves the other day. Are you sure these are mailmen?

Or just homeless people who come in with a lot of mail? Oh, I got a lot of mail. Oh, we don't allow you to deliver all the mail. You never seem to be working, Mailman Mike. But I got all the mail. Ah, but have you heard of my friend Mailman Dave? He made the big paper. Mailman Dave did exactly what you have to get fired from being a mailman.

Yeah, he's the superstar. He's the shooting star of the mailman world. Burned out real quick. James Dean. Mailman world. I want a poster of him right on my wall. What do you got, Marcus? Oh, I was supposed to have a special segment today, but it got messed

up because we moved the time. We were going to call, because Holden's on here and he always does a segment, and I was going to call Isadora. Oh, wow. Yeah, because, you know, Isadora, how you doing, honey, my little iguana? What's going on, baby? Little iguana? Yeah, it's a little

fun thing we do. I know, it's fun. Yeah, it's fun. But we were going to call her, and she was going to just rip on Holden, but she's exchanging presents with her family right now. Wait, what is it? Is there a week's time difference? No. No, Isadora actually lives in the future.

She knows shit. But she actually requested that Jackie tell a fantasy rape tale. Well, Jackie, what do you mean? That's what she asked me. Isadora's insane.

She hates me, man. Does everyone on the podcast talk to her regularly now except for Holden? I just started. It's hilarious. That's amazing. I sent her some porn. I sent her the Prune Brothers porn the other day.

She didn't like it. She IMs me. I'm like, you ain't a real person. You're just a dude. You're a 40-year-old dude. Oh, yeah. I totally agree with you. I don't know if you guys know who Isadora is. She's like our-

Number one fan from Brain of the Beast. And she crossed over to this. She's in Mexico. She lives in Mexico City. She's like our... Number one fan from Brain of the Beast. And she crossed over to this. She's in Mexico. She lives in Mexico City. She's a student. Her and Holden used to make love online. And then Holden denied her a Skype masturbation session. And ever since then, she's hated Holden.

She hates it. Hates Holden. I love her. She just friended me on Facebook. She was talking to Eddie. And I was like, Eddie, tell his story today. And so she's like, I was just staring at her pictures. All right, friend me on Facebook.

You are beautiful. Allegedly, she's a beautiful Mexican girl, but just probably in reality, mailman Dave. I just want to be there. I saw a catfish. It's just like that. There's no way this beautiful woman loved Holden.

What business does she have listening to us? I don't understand. From Mexico. It doesn't make any sense, but we've got to respect her wishes. I just wanted to come and visit here, and I want us all to fuck her, except for Holden,

and like send all the pictures of it. I don't know. Holden masturbates to weird stuff. I don't need him masturbating to my penis. Well, he set up the pictures of it. I don't know. Holden masturbates to weird stuff. I don't need him masturbating to my people. Well, he masturbates to pictures of food. He does stuff like he'll masturbate to a picture of a pie. He masturbates to shoes. That's what he does with a blue stove.

He just comes over and he just stares at our pies. And he acts like he's always like, I'm writing, I'm writing, I'm doing work. No, he's not, man. But he's frotting. I know what frotting is. Oh, I know frotting. Do you guys all know what each of you masturbates to? Yeah.

I saw it in a dream. It gets a little real on the podcast sometimes. Kevin hasn't masturbated in a week and a half. I know that. It's been like two weeks. I haven't done it. I just stopped. I just stopped masturbating.

You know what you do? in a week and a half. I know that. It's been like two weeks. I haven't done, I just stopped. I just stopped masturbating. I'm hovering over the chair. Okay, by the way, this is the saddest, saddest evening a man could ever have and Kevin lives it every night. This is what I do. Like, this happened

the other night and this is a regular shit that I do. I was playing Starcraft with Zach until like five in the morning. I got off and I went on Google Images

and just looked up pictures of girls just wearing nice things and I went to sleep. The man hasn't come in man has been lying in pantsuits and in nice hats from the 1920s and stuff like that. I was looking at Janet Reno pictures and shit. I like her because she's got a high position in her job.

But this is why you're doing well in stand-up is because you're really getting a unique perspective on life Look at is sad or you can look at is a real nigga doing real things How about you you jack off to a lot of things there we're to get you in there. I'm sorry. The floor is yours. I apologize. By the way... All sorts of stuff. What do you like the most?

Heels? Pumps? Brassieres? Lingeries? Eyebrows? Crushing videos where it's just the high heel and hamster. I don't like the way you're looking at me when you say that. Pretty much just pictures of myself jerking off. Absolutely. Well, that's good.

And Isadora, if I was going to get raped, I'd get raped by a broken whiskey bottle in Bar Brawl. All right. Okay. That one's for you, sweetheart. That one's going out to us. And then I'd get drunk at the same time, right? I don't know if that is rape if you're jamming a broken whiskey bottle inside. No, no, they would jam it inside of me.

Oh, okay. Like numerous men. Is it weird that I imagine it's Bill Clinton? As long as he's got the sacks on his back, then I'm fine. He looks great, too. I like him. Yeah, I love him. So you would approve if Bill Clinton raped me?

No, of course not. I would approve if Bill Clinton raped me? No, of course not. I would approve if he dated you and got rid of that horrible old scony bitch Hillary. Oh my God. Scony? Scony. She's got a face like a scone. Yeah, scones are hard. It's like cranberry, dry.

Yeah, current, arncest. Do you have a fantasy you want to tell the round table real quick? Oh man, that sounded pretty good. You want to be the broken whiskey bottle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would be drunk at the same time. You are drunk? I was flowing.

That sounds good. It's like world's worst funnel. So that's basically what you masturbate to, the idea of Jackie getting fucked by a broken whiskey bottle. Truth be told, it's hard to find on the internet. Not as hard as you'd think. It costs a credit card. So I don't buy it. I'm expensive

as shit! Yeah, I just watched the trailer. This is good. Alright, well I guess we gotta wrap it up here Oh that's it? That's it I mean like Unless you wanna What do you wanna talk about Jackie? Do you wanna talk

I don't know like feelings? Uh huh You did that You missed that Yeah no Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas one and all

Happy Hanukkah Oh wait and also Fuck Holden I hope he never comes back. Alright. Well, this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. New and improved, I would say. Thank you, Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Henry Zabrowski,

Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks with the news, the Chuckle Hut, Alex Grubar. The news you can use! I have to do this. Molly Neffel, John Neffel, Bill Chambers. You're in safe. Cowabunga!

Amazing. And I'm Ben Kissel. Chow Time. Have a good commute. Oh yeah, that was it. That was in the cab.