The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 260: Bad Girls Club

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

Today on Round Table: an offender in England is banned from any place that has a slide after a sexual encounter with playground equipment, a man in a chicken suit is assaulted by a teenager, and a man with out of control privates assaults a donkey.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table!

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh yeah, we're all in. Core group right now. Core. Dear Lord, thank you so much for Joseph A. Bank and Fox News.

I'll be on Kennedy this Wednesday coming up at 8 p.m. Is that how we're just praying our plugs? No. I am praying to the Lord if you would allow me to have the conversation with the man up above.

Lord, more like Rupert Murdoch. Fucking chill. Wow. Fox News, thank you for existing. God, thank you for creating it. What are they going to get

your opinion on on Kennedy? They're going to get my opinion on how amazing Fox News is. I'll be on Kennedy. They're going to get my opinion on how amazing Fox News is. I'll be on Kennedy Fox Business. Wait, he's still alive? I thought he got shot. It's a VJ. It's a VJ. She's not a VJ anymore.

She's a political genius. Okay. So, I'll be there on Wednesday at 8pm on Fox Business and Red Eye on Friday. No one here or listening watches this. Amen to that. A surprising amount of people watch it.

Yeah. It's a lot. I went viral the other day. Really? Yeah. How many hits? 138. Whoa.

Ben Kissel viral. Okay, that's a Kissel viral. Yeah, that's a Kissel viral. Yeah, that's a Kissel viral. It's good. So is it because of Fox News that you're starting to push your hair forward like Trump? Because you have this big weird comb over right now. Hey, you know, you never know what you got to do to get ahead. I had a lot of look in your eyes.

It's like a murderer. Like what a murderer would say on the stand I can't believe I'm more scared of you now I did the first Oh I did red eye And I like showed up Man you fucking come up in suits and all that shit Everybody's all dressed up looking nice

I was wearing this fucking cat shirt With like lasers shooting out of their eyes And like a dirty hat And then people assumed I hated white people. There was a lot of people that tweeted at me thinking I hated white people. Wait, why were you on it? They just fucking, sometimes you just go on there, man. It's a black man on TV.

It's a black guy in Fox News. It's a black man on TV. I mean, that's what he, I thought that's what the title was underneath him. Well, maybe. All right, so welcome to the show um this is the round table quiet episode a small episode it's not gonna be quiet though it'll be big and boisterous but there's only the five which is also a great show on fox news watch it the five so that's exciting um all right so jackie obviously you're here. Can you put the knife away?

Why is there a knife on the table? Why are you playing with it? I don't know. There's a knife on the table. I'm taking it. Oh, come on. I'm taking it. Don't.

I'm on a deserted island over here because Big Fat Ed's not here and I'm talking at everyone on the round table as if I'm doing a panel discussion. That's exciting. It's kind of fun. Kind of like on Fox News. Yeah. Take five. Charles and Chew. That's exciting. It's kind of fun. Kind of like on Fox News. Yeah. Take five. Charles and Chu.

That's great. Holdenators, ho! We've got some PlayStation Network shout-outs. Santa Crest 989 is a raging homosexual.

Pancho 993 is a fucking retard. Ghost of David's the best Holdenator tater in the history of Nators. His word's not mine. Docile Pug is a fuckerer Tony DiPaola and Kevin Carlton

And DarthPat85 Are all pieces of shit DarthPat says Patrick and Drew are a couple of butt fucking dummies Zach is a turd burglar Kevin Core is a retard And he's actually called He called you a farty old man which i don't agree with whatsoever jose bank uh and then jsp h m c h l r s s r shit gamer tag by the way is a piece

of rotting garbage also victor is a loser so dump him zoya and uh nomo pPR is a fucking retard. That's right. I got 73 friends now on PlayStation Network. Not one of them has played a game with me. That's amazing. Wow. Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man.

I'm chilling. Yeah. How is your life going, Kev? Oh, I'm fucking actually pretty pissed. Why? I hadn't touched my Xbox 360 in a while today, and then I decided to touch it today, play some Grand Theft Auto V.

I never beat it. I think I know where this is heading. You know? And fucking, I started up, and motherfucking Xbox deleted the whole shit. I'm back in the fucking beginning. Oh. Yo, fucking man. I thought you got red-ringed.

I thought you were going to say you got red-ringed. No, no, no. It just like fucking, they put me like hours and hours and hours behind where I was. Yeah, but maybe you're going to learn something from this experience. Yeah. What am I going to learn? Let something go.

How to do the game better. That's a good one. Yeah. I'm so fucking mad. What happened? I don't know. Where'd it go? It just fucking vanished.

You know, or when it went into that cloud. And no one knows where the cloud goes. Nobody knows. Nobody knows where the cloud goes. Good point. I don't into that cloud. And no one knows where the cloud goes. Nobody knows. Nobody knows where the cloud goes. Good point. I don't trust that cloud. You know who I trust? The good old sun. The sun gives us energy, and we're not storing anything in that. Yeah, what about

the blood moon? Super moon! Super moon! It's a blood moon tonight. What is it? 9, 10? Yeah, we're getting a total lunar eclipse. That's exciting. I'm excited. It seems like no one's excited enough.

Does that have any effect on women's pussies? Oh, yeah. My mom went on and on about the pussy power of the fucking moon today. I went, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. So that's why tonight is I'm going to make a baby. Okay. You are? Yeah, you gotta try, you know?

You gotta try. She filled the turkey baster completely full of Doug's sperm. Yeah, he jerked off into the cup, and I put it in the baster. Now I just gotta hope and make sure I'm juicy enough. Yikes, Jackie. Rowan on the chat said, total eclipse of the jizzy. Yeah, hell yeah. But the jizzy's not going anywhere.

The jizzies are in my hand, and I have two of them right in front of me. She is double jizzying. Yeah, that's true. Well, I anywhere. The jizzies are in my hand, and I have two of them right in front of me. She is double jizzying. Yeah, that's true. Well, I'm sorry that happened to you, Kevin. Oh, I'm pissed, man. That's okay. Times are hard. All right, so Marcus.

What? What? What, Jackie? I was smiling at you. You were? Yeah. Oh, now the shoe's on the other foot. Can't take a nice thing.

I also said nice things to Kevin before. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know if she did say nice things. It's the blood moon, man. Pussies start acting all crazy. Isn't that fun? It's nice. I'm being positive because Kevin has on a sweater vest, a zip-up hoodie vest, and I enjoy it.

Arm freedom! I'm just trying to be good. I do have to say my girlfriend lately has been having dreams that me and Ed are fucking. Huh. And that I'm screaming for more butt stuff. Wow. I'm surprised it's not Henry.

It's not Alexi about this. No, it's me. I mean, it should talk to Eddie about this. It's me and Ed having sex in her dreams. In the dreams. And are you screaming for more butt stuff outside of the dreams? No, no, no, no. Quite the opposite, my dear Watson.

No. Who's doing what to whom? I think Ed's fucking me in the ass because I'm screaming for more ass sex. Yeah. No? You coming to walk over here to have some beer but not talk about the dreams you've been having about Ed? Lexi is right by the microphone. Lexi is in the room.

Let's do a Lexi. Let's just do an update really quick right now. Lexi, how bad is your life? It's pretty fucking terrible. Pretty bad. And you've been having some sex dreams with Holden and Ed. Yeah. There's been a few.

And I didn't really think much of it until the other day. some sex dreams with Holden and Ed. Yeah, there's been a few, and I didn't really think much of it until the other day, and I was like, okay, so Ed fucked you again in my dream last night. Now, is it ironic for you? Do you wake up? Is the bed...

No, sopping. You gotta change the sheets there? No. No? So you're dry as a bone. Yeah, that's not a big turn on. But Ed mounts Holden? Is the sheath there? No. No. So you're dry as a bone. Yeah, that's not a big turn on. But Ed mounts Holden?

Yeah. Cool. I can't believe I told you. Well, of course. The first thing I said was I'm going to talk about this in the round table. But what do you think it is? What do you think the relationship between Holden and Ed is? Why do you think it's turned so sexual in your mind? I think she just wants to give me butt stuff.

No, I'm over it. You're over butt stuff. I'm over it. You were into it and it is. Why do you think it's turned so sexual in your mind? I think she just wants to give me butt stuff. No, I'm over it. You're over butt stuff. I'm over it. You were into it at one point. Well, he got too fat. Holden got too fat for butt stuff. My butt got too fucking big. No, that doesn't stop it.

Absolutely. Yeah, because if you're going to do butt stuff, the person has to have a healthy diet. His butt's working. It's never closed. I got a Kardashian down there, and it's screaming about farts lexi how much longer with the relationship uh six months to a year tops okay there you go

there you go good so you'll enjoy that i learn things we all learn things so that's fantastic that's great all right well thank you lexi i don't know what happened i can't the sex dreams the horror that that is. It sounds bad. Ed and Holden. Holy Christ. Yeah, I would think that would be violent. It'd be terrifying.

Yeah. Yeah. Like a nightmare. Obviously, for me, it'd be a nightmare. Yeah. That big Ed. And the thing you don't think about with Ed, if Ed's fucking your ass, those big ass balls are slapping your balls.

Yeah, but you know what I'm saying? They're fling-shotting around and spanking your own balls, which would hurt like a fuck, dude. Oh, yeah, they're going to win every time. Bocce balls. Yeah, I mean, he's got the big ones there, and ours are just so normal. Cornhole, yeah, they're banging the other beanbags.

Yeah, oh, my God, and your balls are like, what did I do wrong? Right. I thought you were, I don't know, I thought I was your friend, you know? I mean, that's the scariest thing about sex with Ed. I wish he was here to talk about it, but, you were, I don't know, I thought I was your friend, you know? I mean, that's the scariest thing about sex with Ed. I wish he was here to talk about it, but, you know, is those big fucking balls are spanking girls, you know,

while he's banging the girls. Those balls are getting the revenge on their asses. Girls are fine with big balls, though. Oh, okay. Yeah, you think, but just... Yeah, because they spank at it, spank at it, spank at it. Yeah, go... Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.

Well, I don't know if Eddie likes to have his balls slapped or not. I've never been into that. I don't understand the people who can deal with such things. No, I'm saying the balls are slapping at your ass. Oh, and they can stimulate you a little bit. Yeah, it's just fun. I mean, it's just a fun feeling. I like the sound of balls slapping up against me.

What does it sound like? You know what it fucking sounds like. It just means he's getting in there. More like that, yeah. He's just like getting in there. It's not so, it's more hollow. Yeah, it's hollow. That's true.

Yeah, I just wish I knew a fact. Yeah, sort of like a racquetball court if you ever go to a YMCA. It just means they're getting all the way in, you know? And it's like, that's what you want. Right, right. Emotion. Passion. Balls.

But I imagine it would be nice, I feel like it would tickle to have Ed's hair tickle your back while he was like, I see him kind of hunched over like he does. I imagine, yeah, there's cuddling. Like grabbing around your arms. He'd like hold you tight. Yeah.

Exactly. Spooning. They were spooning. We were spooning Laying on our sides Oh yeah But you both have Horrible backs Yeah

Which would be real It'd be a bit of A lover's stew Keep these shirts on I say shirts on Shirts on is okay sometimes Sometimes underpants on is fine I like doing that

Sometimes just bring it to the side It feels You feel a little like You feel bad, girls club. Yeah. Sometimes you... Good club. Good club.

Grounded. Yeah. All right. We're not going to point out that Kevin is rock hard. Yeah. We are not going to discuss that. The whole time. The fact that Kevin is a boner over here thinking about Ed and Holden having sex.

But we have another sex story for you. Yeah, we do. A man with a fetish for children's playground equipment has been banned from going anywhere which has a slide. Christopher Johnson, 46, of England, was arrested after simulating a sex act with a slide at Stoke Green Park in Coventry.

It is his second slide related offense. Where do you fuck the slide? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There's so much slide. I guess you go... There's so much slide. Is it the sliding down? Is it that motion that gets him all aroused? The...

Against his dick? Oh, my God. Did you ever go down one of those slides that was made out of metal? Yeah. It was hot. It's so hot. But at the same time, you know when it's like... I don't know, when it's like your shorts get pulled up too much

and your thighs rub against the plastic too. That fucking hurts. Yeah, I'd rather be an altar boy. I mean, it's less painful. I've been sexually assaulted by many a metal slide. Sexually assaulted? Oh, yeah. Jaze Bank?

I'm wearing it now. I know it. Yeah. Where'd the dick go? Where'd the dick go? Where'd the dick go? Well, here's a little bit more of the story His last offense

On July 1st of last year He outraged public decency As it says in the story By undressing and performing a sexual act On the top of a slide So it could be that he's just sitting on the slide And jerking off Like he's not necessarily doing something to the slide.

More like he's excited by the slide, which causes him to masturbate. When he starts coming, he's going down the slide. That's cool. Or like fucking somebody on the top of the slide. And as you both are coming, you both slide down the slide. That's actually. Oh, this sounds like a lot. I want to get in on this.

Yeah, that'd make me real horny Nobody wants to hear about it I think I'd rather Fuck a baby swing Like if I was a dude Fuck a baby swing They got the tiny leg holes For their tiny thighs

No But that's still a big dick Yeah see that's a huge Yeah a baby leg Is a giant You're fucking air at that point Yeah Or you get the corner of it

Or you just rub it against the side. Yeah, I like this baby swing. But then it becomes more about the baby being present. Is that about the baby? If you're just rubbing your dick on the slide, because you can rub your dick on anything. You can rub anything on anything, really. Yeah.

I was doing the first lessons I learned. You can rub anything on anything. Yeah, you just rub it against each other. You just take two things and you rub them together. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah. I was doing the first lessons I learned. You can rub anything on me. Anything. Yeah, you just rub it against each other. You just take two things and you rub them together. Yeah. I finally understand why they don't allow single dudes to go to playgrounds anymore. Oh, absolutely. Pedderasty.

I know somebody that was arrested for pedderasty. Really? On what? What were the charges? Well, not arrested. I guess he got a ticket. So, he was just- You get a ticket for pedderasty?

Right? It's like, that's the thing. When was this? It should be more than this. A slap on the wrist for... Because it was him and a bunch of old dudes, and he was just reading a book and sitting on a park bench, but it was right next to,

but enclosed into the playground in Central Park, so they all got tickets for pederasty because you're not allowed to be in bounds of a playground if you're not there with a child. But at the same time, what if he was there jerking off and he got a ticket, a $50 ticket for pederasty, and that was fucking it? Well, I don't...

Well, I'm a... That's insane. Yeah, I know. So does he have to register as a pederasty? No, because he's not on any list. He was just like... He just had to... Well, technically, he did literally nothing wrong.

But he wasn't supposed to be there without a kid. And so what if he was just like, he just had to, he got tickets. Well, technically, he did literally nothing wrong. But he wasn't supposed to be there without a kid. And so what if he was just like, he had the book on his fucking thing he was fucking rubbing, because as we all know, you can rub anything on anything. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like this whole idea. You know, I understand the park's, you know, notion of

why not to have, you know, adults around, but the pedophiles, they're still there. They're hiding in garbage cans. Plenty of places. Pretending to be rocks. That's a difficult disguise, too. Yeah, who knows? But they're all around.

Binoculars. The internet also exists. Yeah, there's plenty of... I mean, if a pedophile wants to be a pedophile, he's going to find a way to be a pedophile. But also, if he's inside of a faux rock, I'm okay with that. Yeah.

Maybe a rhinoceros like Jim Carrey was in Ace Ventura. When Nature Calls. When Nature Calls. Guano? Guano. Bat Guano. Very funny. That shit.

That was fun. Yeah, it was real fun. I did love that. Back to this story. The order bans this man from attending any location, including parks, leisure centers, swimming baths, or recreation grounds where there is a slide. So if he wants to go to a leisure center without a slide, that's fine. But if a slide is at, say, at the swimming bath, he cannot go to the swimming bath.

So he can't go to water slides anymore. Oh, Lord, no. That sucks. Water slides are the best. Yeah, that's true. But now in my head, as I've gotten older, I feel kind of grossed out

about the whole water park thing, right? Oh, yeah. There's just so many fluids coming from so many bad people. You just gotta get it out of your head. Yeah. No, that's why you don't sit in the pools. You go down the fast.

Right. Because then it's... And then run out screaming. Ah! Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off me! I love sleeping on me!

There's poop in there! Oh, no. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's my whole thing with that now is like, you know, I mean, which is ridiculous because I'll lick my whole hand after holding the pole on the subway. I don't give a fuck. But I don't know. Something about the water slides.

Like, everyone's shitting and pissing and cumming. It's the diapers. It's the diapers. It's mostly the lazy rivers that you got to watch out for. I know. That's my favorite. Oh, lazy rivers. Everyone loves a lazy river, but it's going to be the worst one.

Have you peed in one? Of course. You peed in a river. I'll tell you, I definitely rubbed a girl's clam in one. And that juice is just shooting all over the goddamn place. No, you haven't. You didn't rub a clam in a lazy river. You've never rubbed it.

No, no. I've definitely rubbed my ass some clams in my fucking day. Lexi, how's Holden's clam rubbing skills? She's shaking her head no like she didn't get it earlier today. Oh, she said he doesn't touch her. We had intercourse today. How'd you do? Did you get winded?

Were you tired? It was fine. Did you get winded? I get very winded. I get incredibly winded. And then I lose it and I have to work back up to it again. Your sex drive is gone, huh? No, I just get winded and then I feel bad about how out of shape I am.

And then I have to re-up, as they say in the business. They don't say that in the business. In the business, they don't get winded. Unless they bring in a fluffer, then I guess you could refer to that as re-up. I'm just saying I need to hire a fluffer is what I'm saying. Average sex time, what do you think? Anywhere from six to seven minutes. I was just reading a whole article about that in the New Yorker, and they were talking about it's like, oh, you fantasize about it like hours and hours of fucking. It's hard to seven minutes. I was just reading a whole article about that in the New Yorker and they were talking about

you fantasize about hours and hours of fucking. It's hard to do that. Nobody wants to do that. I want to fuck. I want to cum. I want to go to sleep. That's ridiculous. It depends. A whole day needs to be planned around it. You can fuck many times in a day and cook some dinner and then you fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum. And then you watch a movie and then you fuck fuck fuck and then you come come come. You just want to be in and out man I don't want no chick fucking sweating on me all day It's disgusting. Yeah I want that. I don't think you have to worry about it. That's so sad though so it's just I guess we all knew that Lexi

was unsatisfied. Well yeah. Yeah. I can see it in her eyes her beautiful beautiful eyes but just lost the sparkle you know. Yeah. I see it in her eyes. Her beautiful, beautiful eyes, but just lost the sparkle, you know? Yeah. Yes. I call it the deadening. In any relationship I get in, it's the deadening, you know?

That's great. Have you gotten better over the years? Does it happen quicker? Is it better if it's slower? It's better if it's slower. She still thinks it's kind of what it was when we first met, but it isn't. Yeah. I remember when they first met.

I was there on the first date. That's true. As a matter of fact, yes. I got into a huge fight with the security guard. Yes, you did. Was this in Coney Island? No, it was in the Lower East Side. You were in beautiful New York City.

Oh, that. I got into a venue because I wasn't dressed well enough. Well, you didn't have your Jossie Bank back then. Joseph A. Bank. And, yes,'t have your Jossie Bank back then. Joseph A. Bank. And, yes, the security guard, he was a black gentleman, and I definitely let him know a whole series of facts about civil rights, Huey Newton, and he was part of the right.

Black man on TV? Okay, I get it, CNN. Joseph A. Bank. Fox News. Shepard Smith has a great show on Fox News. Okay, what's it called? What time? America's Newsroom.

Okay, when is it? 3 p.m. Catch it. I feel like we need to sit down with Kissel and have some kind of intervention. Because I feel like we... I mean, I think he needs like an exorcism or something. Oh, I'm all for it. Shaking really hard.

Honestly, you know what it is? If you want whatever Kissel you're looking for back, you gotta get that jacket off of him. It's the jacket. This is like Clown. Have you guys seen the movie Clown? No. Great movie. Oh my gosh, so good. It's all on YouTube right now. You should watch it.

Maybe I will. But it's demon skin and that's what the fucking Joss A. Bank is. Demon skin. Joseph A. Bank. Anyway, so I'm on Kennedy on Wednesday, Red Eye Friday, which I think is going to be super exciting. Holden's in a relationship that's going nowhere. Jackie is doing great.

Kevin, you have a show on television and you got a new haircut and you're wearing a controversial shirt. All I got is Jackie's doing great, that's it? Well, at least you didn't get the relationship that's going nowhere. That's true. We're going somewhere, all right?

Yeah. It's just in an elevator, and the elevator stalled. Yeah, right now the doors are going kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik, kik. Everyone's going, oh, oh, oh, he just shit. He shit in the corner of the elevator. Yeah, it's going like that. But at some point, some cranky, crotchety old man's going to fix the elevator, and we'll get to the fucking roof of the basement.

But either way, we'll be in that goddamn elevator together. Make a good point there. I feel like you're the elevator. Lexi's just trapped. Then who's the guy shitting in the corner? The fuck? Her new and her next boyfriend. Oh, I can't wait for Lexi to find

true love, but it will be beautiful. I'll be the best man. I'm calling her right now. Yeah? Alright, so the guy, he's been jerking off some slides. Yeah, he's been jerking off some slides. He got fined like 50 bucks. Moving on. Okay. Again, that's it? 50 bucks? Well, he's not a peddler. He's not your friend.

I guess you're right. Yeah, he's just jerking. Well, the next story, Lincoln police are looking for a teenager who took the ultimate cheap shot on Thursday, knocking down a paycheck advance employee in an inflatable chicken suit while he stood outside the store. The

53-year-old man in the chicken suit was trying to draw customers to the business when the teenager ran up the street, crossed his arms, and lunged towards him. Flood said the man suffered minor cuts and bruises to his elbow and hands when he fell. One of the witnesses to the attack confronted the teen and three friends who were

with him and promised to call police. The four ran from the scene. A manager at Paycheck Advance declined to comment on the assault. 53. That's too old. You can't be mad about, like, if you take a Manager at Paycheck Advance declined to comment on the assault. 53. Yeah. Why? That's too old.

That's too old, right? You can't be mad about, like, if you take a job where you wear a chicken suit and you got to dance, you have to expect that occasionally you get knocked down. All you should say when that happens is, you know what? You're right. What can you do? The real question is, why was he in a chicken suit for paycheck advance? Don't be a chicken, pay in advance. Yeah, sure.

Don't be a chicken, use the predatory paycheck advance place to get in a debt forever. That's the chicken way, though. Pay in advance, you cock, you dancing cock. See that? It was fun. Or a Chick-fil-A or something. You know, like, eat a chicken's and a Merchandise. Closed on Sundays, and they don't like gay people.

They're about to start opening up. No, they like gays. Yeah, they like gays now, and they're about to start opening on Sundays. They're becoming more secular. That's like the chick at the office who was a bitch, and then she shows up one day, and she's like, you know what? I'm nice now. It's like, no, you're still a cunt.

Yeah, but at the same time, it's like, you don't really need politics involving your chicken. It's true. I mean, I'm still eating those nuggets. So am I. With or without the gay hate, I was still secretly hoarding them and eating them late at night.

I feel like for the amount of gay men that I've slept with, I'm allowed to eat a Chick-fil-A, even though they hate gays. They don't hate gays. They're over the gays. I agree with Kevin. You can't politicize meat.

Well, technically it's poultry. Is it meat? I mean... Poultry's meat? People don't call it. It's weird, man. I don't agree. I don't agree either. Chicken's not meat?

I mean, it is meat, but I think it's not like a red meat. It's a poultry. It's a fowl. It's fowl? Yeah, I think it's not like a red meat. It's a poultry. It's a fowl. It's fowl? I think I agree with Jackie. No, no, no. From ask.com Chicken's meat. Yeah. Not all

meat is poultry, but all poultry is meat. But poultry in and of itself is just bird meat But also technically they don't have any beef there I think the most surprising thing about that whole shit was that you used ask.com It's like going to Ask Jeeves It is Ask Jeeves

Is that the same thing now? Where'd the Jeeves go? Yeah, I miss Jeeves They don't want Jeeves around I love the indentured servant Yeah, yeah, yeah I love the idea too How can you, yeah, yeah. I love the idea too. How can you tell if salami

has gone bad? How can you? I don't want to. If the edges of the meat are turned brown or gray. Uh oh. I've eaten that before. Because salami is salami. Yeah. And sometimes you know, it gets dry, you leave it out,

the bag's not closed. I love salami. Never put salami in eggs, though. I learned that recently. We should just end the show forever. Never put salami in eggs. And I am loving horseradish lately. Interesting.

Really getting into it. Horseradish. Really getting into it. I love horseradish. Why getting into it. I love horseradish. Why? You ever eat it raw? No. Oh, man.

You get that... You get that tang. And the thing is, I think the only reason why I like raw horseradish is because when you go to a Seder, one of the only things you can eat before you can eat the actual meal is the horseradish in the middle of it for the bitterness of the fucking Jews and shit. I wish Ed was here. He knows about Jews. Yeah, kind of.

You started eating it because it was the only thing you could eat. And then you eat a bunch of parsley. Just raw? Yeah, you have to eat it. You dip it in salt water and then you eat it. I don't know why. Because you're Jewish? It's for Jews.

She's not Jewish. No, I'm just sad at a Jew table. They got some weird stuff, man. They got like upside down day and like Rosh Hashanah. Yeah, but they all have all these days off lately. Everybody's got all these days off. They get lots of days off. Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur.

In September, they got Rosh Hashanah. They got Yom Kippur. And what's nice for them is they get different days off from other people, which is better than when everybody has the same day off. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, because then you go to places and it's all crowded because everyone has the day off. But when you actually have a day off and an off day off, then you get to go to places and nobody's there.

I think that's why they created the whole religion, was just to get those days off for when everybody else has to go to work. Scheming and scheming. Well, we will. That is up for debate if that is one of the traits of those people. You never know what's happening. It's because Ed's not here. That's why we're not allowed

to talk about it. You can talk about Jewish individuals in a respectful manner without saying anything negative about them. That wasn't negative. That's completely true. They're scheming? Scheming. We have total freedom of speech in this country. You can talk about black people in a very positive way That wasn't negative. That's completely true. What, that they're scheming? Scheming. Scheming. Scheming. We have total freedom of speech in this country.

You can talk about black people in a very positive way if you never say anything negative about them. You can discuss Jewish individuals if you only praise them for their unbelievable work in entertainment. And they're a bunch of swindlers, man. Well, that's different. Fast-talking swindlers. Now, that's going against how you can speak.

You can't trust them for a second, man. Fast talking. But I've looked many of them, and I think that I'm allowed to say those things. Yeah, you did. Well, you've had said, you know. Yeah, they're a race. I've always fucked many. I've fucked many of them, too.

But I don't trust them. Oh, they're so good looking. No, I don't trust them. This one doesn't mean I don't trust them. It's a race that's 99% landlord. But a lot of them are hostesses. Well, now we't trust them. They're so good looking. No, I don't trust them. This one doesn't mean I don't trust them. It's a race that's 99% landlord. But a lot of them are hostile. Well, now we're at least. Well, okay.

Well, either way. Bit of a nose on them, too. I didn't say that. I just said scheming. You know, last night I walked into this deli, and I'm in, like, South Williamsburg, and I see there's these Orthodox Jewish magazines. Go on. I didn't know they had that shit, but thinking about it more, I'm like, that's probably where

they hide all their fucking money. It's in the magazine. You see the cover, you never go open it. There's all this fucking money in there. Buy the magazines. Let's take the magazines back. They just fill with Jewish sluts. Yeah.

But they're ready to have our children. What's the chat think about what's going on? The chat says Jackie has a little Jew in her. Oh, I've had many little and big Jew inside of me. Oh, and Hey Jude, that's J-E-W-E-D on the chat. Hey Jude. Was that his name already before this conversation? I think he changed it for it.

That's fine. But he said not all Jews are scheming, but it is a skill we all possess. See, that's a thing. That's good. Yeah. He said, we usually just use it on each other. Oh, okay. I don't know if that's true.

Is he Jewish? Use it on my behalf. I need some help. All of Kevin's representation is Jewish. He's killing it. It's a lady. Hey, Jude is a lady. Okay, that's good i'm single come on i have the same representation i'm not fucking famous i gotta get man it's because i'm saying all these terrible things he's got secret representation

kevin waited until things were going well in his career then he started saying all the terrible things. Now I can say with full honesty fast talking Swindler. I was on the phone with a bunch of them the day. Lawyers and agents they're talking about we got this. We're going to come back with this. And that's literally what I thought in my eye. Y'all are just a bunch of

fast. You can't trust any of these people. Hell no. I will be on Kennedy on Wednesday and if there's anybody out there who is a fast talking swindler who wants to support me, what are some topics of discussion? What are we getting into? Madoff? For what?

Madoff? Yeah, are we going to talk about Bernie Madoff? When? I don't know. Now? Yeah, sure. On now or on Kennedy, you guys going to be talking about Bernie Madoff? No? I don't know. In Kennedy? Yeah, sure. On now or on Kennedy. You guys going to be talking about Bernie Madoff? No. What the? Why? That would be fun.

What about Bill Clinton's scandal? Yeah. The blowjob one. The blowjob one. 92. Yeah. When there was that girl. Suckerfish.

Uh-huh. Or the new Muppet Show. You guys going to talk about that? How about the Chinese in general what are they doing? bad news I think Ben's saving it for the show he's tight lipped

keeping it tight yep I gotta hold my secrets close to my fat chest otherwise everybody's not gonna watch Kennedy at 8pm on Wednesday

no one absolutely is gonna watch it that's prime time baby double lemon fucks business you know who else you can't trust you can't trust Africans at 8 p.m. on Wednesday. No one absolutely is going to watch it. That's prime time, baby. Double M. Fox Business. You know who else you can't trust? You can't trust Africans. My mom has always told me that.

South Africans are good. Oh, you mean the white ones? Not the white ones. Okay. Not the white ones. Okay, but this is actually an interesting true tale of Kevin's life. Your mother hates black people. No, she doesn't hate black people.

She told me I can't trust Africans because the same thing. They're all swindlers. Does that include Morocco and Egypt? All of Africa. A blanket statement. You can't trust them. You can't trust Africans. Jamaicans are the best. Haitians don't know

what they're doing. 1.111 billion people in Africa. Yeah, but how many of them are accounted for? You know? They're all around there robbing boats and stuff. Yeah. Fighting Python. Yeah. My parents go to a Haitian

church. Yeah. What? In Wisconsin? No, in Fort Lauderdale. We've discussed. They're still going there. Oh, they love it. What? In Wisconsin? No, in Fort Lauderdale. We've discussed. We've discussed. I don't listen. They're still going there. Oh, they love it. My dad has all the black friends that a man could ever imagine wanting. And I swear to fucking God.

And he's just like, I understand why black people don't like the police now. You know, the police have been very mean to the black community. I'm like, yes, absolutely. My father's very sweet. But then, of course, then he's like, and then gays, you should light them on fire. You know, I mean, it's a Haitian church. Yeah.

They're very hate-filled people. They gotta be, man. I think it's good. I like Haitians now. Really? I thought you said they were dinosaurs. That was, I was a different person then. Oh, it's because you didn't have money back then.

So now he're fucking rolling. Having money makes you a lot more accepting and understanding. Man, I've got to learn these ways. Yeah, I do. So what changed your opinion on Haitians? Just money. Just having it. Just money.

It's like, I'm not going to give them mine, but I'm going to look at them and be like, oh, I see why y'all are... I get what's happening over there. Who is the richest Haitian? They're having... Wyclef? Wyclef ran, I believe, for Congress

or Senate or the presidency of Haiti, but then they didn't let him do it because of too much corruption. Former President Aristide. The richest man in Haiti because he worked with drug traffickers the entire time he was

president. That's how you do it, buddy. Why not? It really is. Ooh, I can't wait for President El Chapo. But who goes to Haiti for drug trafficking? I don't know. People who need drugs around fucking Haiti. They use it as a hub. You go to Dominican Republic. Yeah, they're over there eating mud, man.

They're not eating mud. Literally, there's pancakes they make out of nothing but mud. And they dry them on the cement by the sewer. And you do like these people now. Yeah, Haitian mud cookies. Yeah, mud cookies. Haitian mud. It sounds like a racial slur.

Goddamn mud cookies. They're sweet, racial slur. Goddamn mud cookies. They're sweet, but man, they're made out of trash. I love mud cookies. I love a mud cookie. That's fun. I'm pro mud cookie. I love that. Because you imagine-

Yeah, I'm pro mud cookie, but I would definitely call somebody a mud cookie. Well, I want to eat a mud cookie. I like the optimism of the mud cookie. That's a go-getter. That's the kind of go-getter Fox News really appreciates. That's right. Incredibly sad. Yes.

The mud cookies. See, I don't think mud cookie has to be a Haitian thing, though. I think mud cookie could just be referred to, like, somebody that is just a shitty person. No, but they still cost five cents. Man, that's too much for a mud cookie. Well, that's dried mud, right? That's because cookies, United States cookies, they cost 5 bucks in Haiti. Inflation.

Real bad inflation in Haiti. Well, it's the difference between mud and food. 50 cents versus 5 dollars. Do you get any sustenance from the mud cookie? A little bit. That's the crazy thing. They get a little bit of sustenance from the mud cookies. But everybody there who eats them is getting sick because they're eating fucking mud.

They got the big bellies. Yeah. They just, they're putting their, they want to fill their stomachs with something. So they're eating mud cookies. What is it? Probably the microorganisms within the mud that's giving them any sort of sustenance. This sort of like tiny insects. Well, Gabriel Timothy, the executive director of Haiti's health ministry, said, Trust me, if I see someone eating those cookies, I will discourage it.

Okay. It's really bad. I watched like a whole documentary on it. There was an entire documentary about blood cookies? Yeah, yeah. I never heard of such a thing. Five times a day. What happened?

Sorry, the drawer just opened on its own, and I got really scared. It happened five times a day. I found this desk on the street. It's not a great desk. I got genuinely scared. The door just opened. The drawer opened in front of Jackie. I know.

We didn't have it. Usually Ed's fat body is here to fucking keep it close. Right. And Ed is fat. Mud cookies. Marie Ed is fat. Well, Marie Noel, 40, she sells the cookies in a market to provide for her seven children. She says for her family also eats them. She said, I'm hoping one day I'll have enough food to eat so I can stop eating these. I know it's not good for me.

Oh, wow. And everybody's like, oh, America's so evil and horrible. We got food here, man. That's what we fucking got. Yeah, but they fill it with the sugars. I'd rather eat mud than eat the sugars. You know what I'm saying? I gained so much weight because I wanted to.

Like, you can't argue that. People don't like us because we have the food. Yeah. We got all the food, though, baby. Where were the parties fucking at? Man, one day they're going to come in and we're going to be not having the food anymore. You know what I mean? That is true.

I don't think that's true. Yeah, you fucking Trump CNN scary man. I'm on Fox. Take off your devil mask. It's Joseph A. Bank. I'm scared of you Take off your devil mask. It's Joseph A. Bank. I'm scared of you. All right. I say we burn him alive.

Well, I had no idea. Good Lord. Jackie, come on. So there's mud cookies. I had no idea. Yeah, mud cookies. Meanwhile, in Jamaica, we are living, man. Eating jerk chicken, curry go, all that shit.

Dancing. We got all these dancing people up, man. You still hate, man. Eating jerk chicken, curry go, all that shit. Dancing. We got all these dancing people up, man. You would have danced. People hate you, man. You used to talk about how you couldn't even get. That was before I had money. Now I'm like, niggas, dancing in Jamaica, man. Daggering, twerking, all that shit. Because we got the energy from all the proteins.

Man, I got to get some of this money. I got to get some of this money. I got to get some money, dude. I got to get some of this money. Fun money. Fun money. Yeah. Funny, fun money. It's fun money, yeah.

He's got fun money now. What are you doing with an Xbox 360? I have an Xbox One. No. But I decided to try to relive my poorer years. Didn't work, man. Now I hate your hoodie vest. He's a wealthy guy.

We have a couple of wealthy friends. Yeah. Wealthy friends? You're talking about Henry? Henry is very wealthy. Oh my God, he has so much money. Our friend Jermaine Fowler, very wealthy. He's got some money.

He's got that Whoopi Goldberg money. He's got that Whoopi money? It's Whoopi money, baby. He goes, Whoopi! As he burns his money. Our friend Jermaine Fowler very wealthy. He's got some money. He's got that Whoopi Goldberg money. He's got that Whoopi money. It's Whoopi money, baby. He goes Whoopi as he like burns his money. Isn't that exciting? Yeah, none of these people give two shits about the poor. None of you. Yeah, but now Barnett

loves Haitians, so that's a step. Yeah, but is he helping them? He's just like Chick-fil-A. He's helping them by not hating them. You know what I'm saying? I've had a change of heart, which really is more important. It's not going to help them not starve. It's true, man.

Yeah, it's about as good as a fucking mud cookie in terms of giving them any sort of sustenance or will to live. Yeah, but it's better than no mud cookie. It's better than no mud cookie. Actually, no mud cookie wouldn't make them sick. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, a mud cookie, again, it sounds delicious. And it says chocolate in it, but there's no chocolate in it.

Kevin, what's your net worth right now? What? What's your net worth? I don't know, net worth, man. How many assets do you have? Assets. Do you have any Forbes? We got one. It says girlfriend assets. Very attractive girl. How many assets do you have? Assets. Do you have any Forbes? He looked Kevin up on Forbes. He's got one.

It's his girlfriend. Assets. Very attractive girl. She's beautiful. She's not Cuban. She's close. She's Mexican. Mexican.

The servant people. Oh, I thought you loved Cubans. In my head, they're all Cuban. Oh, man, I bet she fluffs your fucking pillows all good. She does, man. Man, does she know how to make the bed tight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's a big thing.

Hotel room tight. Has to be tight. All that shit, man. Marcus, what's Kevin Barnett's net worth? I don't know, but there's a really famous volleyball player named Kevin Barnett. Is he very wealthy? There's also another Kevin Barnett who's a comedy writer, and he has some of my credits on IMDb. He used to have more, but they pissed him off.

He had a bunch of them before. This is weird. One of the other Google auto-fills is Kevin Barnett age. I thought you said AIDS. People try to find out how old I am all the time. Yeah, that's really weird. Well, how old are you, Kevin? 29.

29 years old. 29 years old. Breaking news. I don't know anymore. I'm so done talking. But yeah, the other Kevin Barnett, I think he might be with 3 Yards 2. And so there was a time like a year and a half ago or something, I guess somebody over there was trying to reach him,

but they were calling me because my number was in the company list or whatever. And so for like a week, we're like playing phone tag. And then finally the guy gets me on the phone. He's like, what's up, Kevin, man? Yo, I talked to Tony. I was like, Tony? He's like, yeah, talked to him, man. Exciting, man.

Very exciting. And I was like, what? And he's like, yeah, man. He's like, this is Kevin Barnett, right? I was like, yeah, that's me. He's like, Kevin Barnett? I was like, yeah, that's me. I'm out here in the streets.

It don't sound like you, man. And I'm like, yeah, that's me. I'm out here in the streets. He's like, it don't sound like you, man. I'm like, well, it's me, baby. He realized who it was. He just fucking hung up. He was done with me. Oh, he didn't even apologize or say anything? He just hung up. Oh, yeah. And he was like, Kevin Barnett, the comedy writer?

I'm like, yeah, I'm right. Yeah. Right. Is the other Barnett white? Yeah, he's white. He's written some Kevin James movies and shit. Oh, I write. Right. Is the other Barnett white? Yeah, he's white. He's written some Kevin James movies and shit. Oh, I see. Wow.

Every once in a while, friends from high school will look me up on IMDb and be like, oh shit, I know you wrote Hall Pass. Well, you should feel extremely happy because you know for a fact that white fella who called you felt racist for three weeks. Yeah. You have one racist uh over the phone with a black person that's a white person you got a three-week uh delay out of north central wisconsin oh yes a neilsville man accused of having sex with a donkey told investigators that he did it

because his quote privates were out of control gideon d swartzentruber 20 is charged with one misdemeanor count of sexual gratification with an animal swartzentruber told police his boss at the farm where he worked caught him with his pants down and having sex with a female donkey on september 1st the criminal complaint said he said his privates were out of control meaning that he was horny he said that he kind of touched the donkey and was playing around being crazy the intercourse Swartz and Trubar told investigators. But don't they kick? Well, if you aggressively assault them. If you fuck them in the ass.

No, it was a female donkey. He was fucking in the pussy. But I just can't grasp where a pussy is on a donkey or horse. We talked about this before. I know, and I just can't grasp where a pussy is on a donkey or horse. We talked about this before. I know, and I just can't see it in my head. You talked about this before? No, we had a very long discussion as to whether the vagina

is above the butthole or the butthole is above the vagina. I know, but I just can't envision the pussy. We know that the butthole is below the vagina because then it would fall in there and get all infected. The tail guards it. Yeah, the tail guards it. Kevin, all your thoughts. I mean, I think it's great, man.

Fucking donkeys is what America should be about. I don't like money, you. I don't like CNN, you. I think that at least it's like buy the donkey a meal or something. This guy's getting nine months in jail, $10,000 fine.

Up to... So he's getting nine months? I feel like it's too much. That is the maximum punishment for sexual gratification with an animal in Wisconsin. Because remember, bestiality is not a federal law. They leave that one up to the states. Maybe if you think about it in the right way, this punishment is just really telling these people

to show how much they love these animals. It's like, listen, I'm into you that much. I'm willing to risk nine months in jail and all these fines just to fuck. The donkey understands that. The donkey gets that. Yeah, especially when your privates are out of control. But also, they just get mounted anyway.

What does it matter whether it's a donkey or a person? It's probably better. The donkey dicks big old fucker. Mean fucker. By the way, Nicky Pook on the chat, it's asshole under tail, vag under asshole. Who cares about the anatomy of the donkey? It's important. I think it's gonna be a Ruby Tuesday.

I can't wait. You know, I love a good Ruby Tuesday. Eating good in the neighborhood. What are we saying? What's the ranking? TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesdays, Applebee's, Chili's. Chili's takes us up. Applebee's is at the bottom, man.

That's ridiculous, Kevin. I want to hear what the Kisselman says, though. Applebee's takes the top. Chili's, I agree, but I... Applebee's is at the bottom, man. That's ridiculous, Kevin. I want to hear what the Kissel man says, though. He knows his fucking... Applebee's is number one. You are a sick fuck. You know what? I'm going to throw number five in there. Binigans.

No. No. I forgot about Binigans. Yeah. They got good Salisbury steaks. That's about it. Chili's is number one. You're saying Applebee's is at the top?

Where does Chili's fall then, Ben? Chili's isn't even on the list. Really? What? I don't know who you are anymore. What? Joseph A. Bank, Fox News, check me out. You're a clown.

It goes Applebee's. It goes Applebee's. I'm disgusted by you. Number one, you know where it goes. Ponderosa. No. Perkins. Don't say Ponderosa.

What are you? Perkins don't count. Perkins? Perkins restaurant Perkins wasn't on the list I'm just saying That's number one Yeah are you gonna bring

A Red Robin into it next Yeah I'll bring a Red Rag Outback Steakhouse Yeah Outback Outback's above the other one It's a different class Yeah just like Denny's

Like you can't put Denny's In that list No No no Denny's is in the list With Waffle House And IHOP That's a breakfast place That's a different list That's a whole different list But by with Waffle House and IHOP. That's a breakfast place. That's a different list.

That's a whole different list. But by the way, that one goes Denny's, Waffle House, IHOP. But also, Outback is a different list. You got Longhorn. It's like you want your upper class. Texas Landing Cradle. I mean, it's like throwing a Golden Corral because you know it's going to be last. It's like that's a different.

A little bit of an aside here. Bennigan's is the first place i ever had mozzarella sticks you were gonna end with yeah i was gonna think you said gonna say like hand job or something or finger blast yeah mozzarella sticks man changed my life fucking bennegan's i love them i used to choke on mozzarella sticks. That's why I wasn't allowed to eat them as a child. Because I ate it too fast and I didn't know how to chew properly. Yeah.

Because I said, ooh, is it fried cheese? It's scary. It is scary. It's scary for kids. You cover it in marinara sauce, you think it's friendly. But you know what? Sometimes it's evil. Oh, God.

What I wouldn't give for a mozzarella stick right now. I'd eat it right now. Gonna pick some up at the store on the way home. Don't you dare. I'm gonna eat them tonight. Oh my god. You have to be careful and you have to remember to chew. Always chew when you eat.

Jackie's words of wisdom for the week. Classic Jackie, of course. Always chew when you eat. Especially mozzarella sticks. And now it's time for a segment from Hope McNeil. Pop stars. What do we know about them? Not much. I would say, personally me,

very little. Create your own pop star. What's their big single? What's their tag? What's their fun name that you call them? For me, it's going to be a chick with gigantic tits. She's always wearing rubbery stuff like Katy Perry, right? Or whatever. And you always got to blur her crotch out because her pussy's always out.

And her name is Zesty, right? Oh, that's good. Zesty. Yeah. She's real fun. Definitely a little bit of a Mexican flair, but she's one of those where you can't really tell what race she is. Yeah.

Like a Christina Aguilera. So the white people still like her and black people and Mexican people still like her. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Not threatening. Not threatening. Yeah. Her big hit is going to be Go Get a Froyo.

Go get a f-Yo, baby. Go get a Fro-Yo. Fro-Yo love. Fro-Yo love. Go get a Fro-Yo. Fro-Yo. Fro-Yo love. Actually, that's pretty... Go get a Fro-Yo molestation. Randomly in there. You know, kind of underneath stuff.

Either way. A subliminal thing. That's her big breakout hit, but then she has her love song. We all like the doughy ones and it's about it's about big person love she'll be the first spokesman for like like loving on large like um just doughy just out of shape people yeah just loving on larger people it's not like all about that base where it's just sort of about like body this is just like specifically the ass is done the stomach's coming in yeah now it's just sort of about body. This is just specifically... No, because the ass is done. The stomach's coming in. Yeah, now it's just specifically out of shape people.

Tummies. Like yourself. Like myself. Yeah, hamburger people. Tummies coming back in a big way. And then I'm going to break the internet with my big belly. All right, so music for cheeseburger people. I like it.

Yes, music for cheeseburger people. Now that Jimmy Buffett, of course, died in that unfortunate lava accident. people now that Jimmy Buffett of course died in that unfortunate lava accident okay so my pop star's name is Jamaica Fontana and what this pop star looks like it is Rihanna's ass

with Justin Bieber's eyes and that's it it's just there's nothing in between yeah it's eyes on the ass to teach the world about acceptance. Wait, wait, wait. So is it like an ass and then floats

up and their eyes are on the ass? They're on the ass. Facing this way, ass facing that way. So we put it in a cart and just scoot it around? It's able to float. So this put it in a cart and just scoot it around? It's able to float. So this teaches the world the kids need to learn acceptance.

And the hit single is the thong song, The Sequel. And so all that Jamaica Fontana is going to do, and I can't say whether it's a boy or girl because who knows? We're trying to be open-minded. And Jamaica Fontana, all he or she does is Cisco covers. No, not Cisco covers. Cisco sequels. Oh, good.

Okay, so what other, besides Thong Song, what other Cisco songs would? I'll tell you right now, off the top of my head, can't remember the names of any other Cisco songs. Man, I can't think of any of them, too. What enter was it called enter the dragon or is that a jet lee movie enter the dragon is the he had something about a dragon yeah he did have a whole dragon album which i respect yeah it would unleash the dragon yeah and there was another, How Deep Is Your Love? You mean the Bee Gees song? Sisqo also. No, wait, that was Drew Hill featuring Sisqo.

Oh, okay. I never know what's happening. He's done okay for himself. Isn't that fun? All right, Kissel. Favorite, best, newest pop star? New pop star. Based on Jose Bank or Fox News.

Could do that. Could do that. You do know somebody in the music business. Kennedy. Kennedy. You do know her. I'm going to say maybe Alanis

Morningstar. Based off my favorite vegan chicken patties. And I love Morning Star vegan chicken patties. We have to chop off his head. I love them. I swear to God. Eight grams of fat.

What's the new single? Do you want the Morning Star? It's good fucking morning, dickhead. So that's the word fuck in it. In the title. I mean, yeah, it's good fucking morning, dickhead. So that's the word fuck in it. Yeah. In the title. I mean, yeah, it's sex, man. Do you want the Morningstar, you fucking piece of dickhead? So it's a different kind of song.

It's a different kind of. It's more German. One would argue that it was even music, right? Or like. Do you want the sandwich, you fucking dickhead? It's Morningstar. I'm Alanis Morningstar, you fucking piece of it's morning star i'm alanis morning star you're a fucking piece he's singing it so i appreciate it yeah yeah ben i got some people in the chat they keep mentioning hormel chili is this a thing gentlemen

what is this hormel chili thing they've been mentioned they've been talking about it so much hormel chili is one of the better things that's ever happened. I actually eat Hormel chili on a regular basis because I don't have a lot of money. I wear Joseph A. Bank. Is this actually an intervention? It's not. Hormel chili is really good and the fun thing about it is the deli, just when it sits

on the shelves, it warms itself up. So you actually don't have to put it in the microwave. Do we eat dainty more as well? I'll eat anything at 98 degrees. So Ben, you are saying, you are telling us that you Ben Kissel, as a

33 year old man. 34. 34 year old man. I'm 34? I'm 34, yeah. That's why I'm working at Fox News now. Joseph A. Bank, I'll be on Red Eye. 34, you eat Hormel Chili out of the can with a spoon, I'd imagine? The fun thing is, you can just use your tongue. Yeah, I do, and I don't mind it. And if you're out there in your working class just like I am, Hormel Chili is the way to go.

Jackie, who's your pop star? I'm just so horrified by what he said. I'm sorry. My pop star is actually a girl group. It's called Swampy Girls. And it is made up of Marinara, Lili, and Tang. And their big hit is called Mopping Up My Drawers. And they all wear

wetsuits with the vaginas open with hoses attached. So it goes, mopping up my drawers, mopping up my drawers, thinking of you, thinking of you. I'm spewing for your love, spewing for your love, thinking of you, thinking of you.

And every time they say mopping or spewing water shoots out of their vaginas right it's pretty much that's the same tube party all the time party all the time yeah but it's not the thinking of you thinking of you that's right that's what i think thinking of you yeah no it's a little more sexy and it's all about how much they come when they see their boyfriends like all their songs are about that like a whole album wet pussy songs

girls go crazy for it because they wish they could spew that hard because tweens think that oh maybe one day I could spew that hard for my maybe gay boyfriend and then the boys will be like I'm gonna make my girl spew that hard but she'll never spew that hard for my maybe gay boyfriend and then the boys will go be like I'm gonna make my girl spew that hard but she'll never

spew that hard for you. It's kind of like a party all the time party all the time. Yeah but it's like I mean it's kind of like a It's pretty similar. It's different enough man.

I listen to party all the time today. I did, actually. I told myself a long time ago I should listen to Party all the time at least once a month. And I always forget, but it still happens on accident. Well, that's just God looking out for you.

You're a godly man. God looks out for those. God helps those that help themselves. Who do you best? We're going to go for it, Jackie.ie vest We're gonna go for it Jackie I mean Okay We're still gonna go for it I feel like

I know this could sell I know it could sell But on the other hand Bro yo Zesty Zesty's pretty good Yeah but I feel like Zesty could become a part

Of Swampy Girls It's true Zesty could Or featuring Zesty Featuring Zesty Like fancy Let's do it Let's do it

And by the way It's Z-E-S dash T. Oh, you didn't say that. That's real good. That's real good. See, marinara has to be Italian, but sexy. But it's M-A-R dash U-H. Yeah, marinara. Mar-uh.

And then M-A-R dash U-H. And like Tang, we all know. And then there's Lili, which like, we're making a rainbow here. You have to make a decision, Marcus. Who's it going to be? Oh, I think we're going to do Swampy Girls featuring Zesty. Word. All right.

I can't believe y'all tried Jamaica Fontana like this. I mean, Jamaica Fontana was really good, but... Jamaica Fontana is also anatomically impossible. Also doesn't have a mouth to sing. I think you need to open up your mind. Keep your heart ready, man. Asshole. All right, everyone.

Thanks so much for listening on the live chat and whatever, on the podcast. It's the podcast. It's the podcast, right? Analingus Dingus on the chat said that he got a blow job from a hooker at ihop parking lot some kids saw him and the manager asked him to leave cool well i guess that means it's the end of our podcast thanks catcher 69 45 hit me up with more playstation shout outs and i'd love to play a game with one of you all right twitter. Twitter followers, follow us. Fatboy Barnett, Ben Kissel, Jack the Worm,

Holden's not on it, Marcus Parks, I'm a Ben Kissel. Yeah, we'll talk to you soon. I guess that's it. Yeah, that's it. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.