The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 262: A Pilot Named Barrel Fire

Episode Date: October 12, 2015

Today on the Round Table: an 800 lb man in Rhode Island is kicked out of the hospital for ordering a pizza to his room, a jaguar in India is too fat to mate, and a St. Louis man is arrested for making terroristic threats and stabbing his caseworker with a samurai sword. Joining us today: Peggy O'Leary, Maria Heinegg, and James Adomian!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Okay, so should we start the show then? Yeah. So now it's time for a prayer from presidential candidate and senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

Look, I'm honored to be given the opportunity. I want everybody to know that I'm primarily an atheist, so in that regard, I would just like everyone to keep their eyes open and look straight ahead and just affirm whatever inward or outward beliefs that you have,

whether they're of a personal nature or more of a sort of spiritual, whatever you have. And let it happen. Amen and amen and amen or the reverse of that, whichever you prefer. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Thanks so much for joining us.

What an honor. I mean, Bernie Sanders. Mr. Sanders. I can't believe it. The colonel. It's incredible. Well, yeah. Different guys.

I am an inactive colonel in the Vermont State Militia, so it's accurate, but I don't look. You don't have to call me that. Bernie, how are you preparing for the debates on Tuesday? I've got this one down. I'm done. It's in the back i'm look i'm just i'm relaxing i thought i'd come by here look there's no way i'm not winning it yeah i am as certain to win the debate on tuesday as i am to lose the election in july oh man. Just barely. Do the super delicate. That is the beautiful James Adomian. Thank you so much for being here, James.

I don't know what he's talking about. I don't understand. If you're not talking to somebody who's not in the room here, I am a firm believer in not only the fourth wall, but I believe in the tradition of Franklin Roosevelt and the New Deal that we should build a fifth and a sixth wall to put American theatrical performers to work again

in this country, building more and more fictional walls until we have a dodecahedron of fictional walls. Amen. Bernie is here. That's right. Edward, you're also here. Hello! How are you doing? I'd like to give a shout out again to my only fan,

Andy Codrone. The only one who roots for me. That's great. How do we know him? He reaches out to you? He reaches out to me. He comforts me when I need him most. Touches your body. I like it. Holdenators, ho! We got some shout outs today

ZachMac2727 reminded me That it's been a week Ed And you still haven't played him in Mortal Kombat X Also Avid Rajah Is a fucking spastic The Arcadian616 Says happy anniversary of the day You wiped your nose up your mother's vaginal cavity

We love you you filthy long ha long-haired, bogan cunt from Big Mac and Cheese and Sean's Zombie Slayer. Just for clarification, those are directed to Mr. Lawson and not to myself. Drew is a twat waffle and Kathleen is a cunt

spelunker. I think you're giving these people way too much fucking rain over the show. Priceless Tim is a fucking degenerate. That's my shoutouts for the week everybody. Thank you so much for hitting me up. What makes him a degenerate? I would love to play a game with you. I know you like to just give me shoutouts but we would

have fun if you played a game with me. Don't play a game with him. Kevin, you're here. I'm here physically. Mentally I have no. Oh yeah, I'm here physically. But you know, mentally I have no idea where the fuck I'm at. I'm dead, man. That's dark. I'm half awake. Well, thanks for being here. That's exciting. I know that feeling.

That sounds like a Grateful Dead concert for me. Oh yeah, and by the way, you know, we have of course, through the live stream, we have the live chat a person with the username GetDrunkStartBarrelFires says, Eddie should be your VP pick, Bernie. Wow. What do you think about that?

Well, look, I'm looking at some people. We're looking for more diverse options, just to be frank. But he's overweight. A lot of the country's overweight. Yeah, well, that'd be good. You get the hand phone. Get the fat phone. Now, is a barrel fire

like a homeless man fire? Is that what we're talking about? I think it's just general barrel fire. Or it's like Donkey Kong throws flaming barrels. Yeah, it could be. Yeah, that's the preferred kind

through the year. Bernie, going after that fat vote? Getting Ed on the ticket? Look, I'll take a hard look at it. Look, what's your position on Citizens United, the Supreme Court decision? Doggy style.

All right. Thank you, Ed. It's back, ladies and gentlemen. I think that passes my litmus test. Believe it or not. Sanders and doggy style, 2016. All right. Peggy O'Leary is also here.

Hi. How are you guys? Very good. Thanks for being here, Peggy. How's O'Leary is also here. Hi. How are you guys? Very good. Thanks for being here, Peggy. How's everything going? It's really good. That's exciting. And you've got a great podcast, Hard, Lonely, and Vicious.

Yep. That's it. Okay. Yep. And that's good to know. Check that out here on Cave Comedy Radio. And Maria Heinegg is also here. She just finished a wonderful-looking taco salad.

I'm going to be hungry the entire episode looking at it. Good. All right. And you've got a great podcast, Just For Us. Just For Us. All of us. Both of us.

It's us. No, keep going. I'll let you know when you hit it. It's us. All of us. Let's see here. I'm going to say

Just For Us. No. It's more selfish. It's more selfish. This is us. For us, by us. Either way. Yes, I have a podcast. It's called selfish. It's more selfish. This is us. For us, by us. Either way. Yes, I have a podcast.

It's called FUBU. Great. Black people are allowed to listen to it. Right. It's called It's About Us. It's About Us. Yeah. It's a great podcast.

With me and Ray Sonny. That's right. Check that one out. How far in the future is your jacket from? Oh, I thought it was in the past. This is a HQ issue. I'm wearing a jacket. I currently have $60 worth of laundry at the laundromat,

and I'm wearing a white T-shirt. God, the big man's curse. Honestly, three outfits. No, it's two pairs of jeans and a sock. Yeah, but those poo-poo stains, they add weight. Thank you, Holden. You were too late to make jokes about me today, so we can't deal with it. Holden was 45 minutes late

because literally he was doing nothing. Let me ask you something, Mr. Kisser. What? Is your laundromat a local a locally owned laundromat, or is it a landlord owned on the property? No, there's no landlord on the property. I think it's locally owned. It's actually just a TP.

If I am elected president, I promise that the change that you put into that laundromat, you'll be able to get refunded on your federal tax return. Hey, I'm all for it. You got my vote, Bernie. Small little giveaways.

That's how you win. That is entirely too true. Oh, my. You are the truth-telling politician. Look, what else do I have? Let's see, let's do a news story. Speaking of fat, an 800 pound Cranston, Rhode Island man who was kicked out of a hospital for ordering pizza

is living out of his father's SUV and needs a new home. Steven Asante, 33, recently spent 80 days at Rhode Island Hospital in an effort to get his weight down to 550 pounds. However, Asante said he was kicked out when he ordered a pizza, violating his care plan.

Rhode Island Hospital did not comment. Wait, was it a clinic, or it was just a straight-up hospital? It was a hospital, but he was in a program that ordering pizza was a deal-breaker. Of course, of course. Do you know where your life has to be at? That ordering a pizza

is what makes you homeless? Yeah, not good. That's fucking fat. He's the coolest fat guy in there, though. He's just trying to be the cool guy. He's like, I'll order a pizza for us, guys. No big deal. Yeah, you get kicked out of

rehab for shooting dope, and you get kicked out of a pizza for us, guys. No big deal. Yeah, you get kicked out of rehab for shooting dope, and you get kicked out of a hospital for ordering a pizza. Well, this was a similar situation. Asante said his situation was the result of an eating addiction, and his father, Steven Vigliette, told WJAR out of Rhode Island taking Asante home would put him in danger of returning to his prior eating habits, so now he's just trucking him around in an SUV, as you can see in the picture here. I also like that he doesn't let them wear sleeves either.

He looks like he's going to deliver a baby in that picture. He does look big. Bernie, what would you do about the obesity epidemic that's currently destroying this country? Look, I don't want to get into any kind of personal attacks on people who are large. I think I could sit here all day. We could sit here all day long and we could make jokes about, you know, people's, you know, the belt size. We could say your mother would do this or that because, you know, her courage isn't accepted by most of society. I think the real issue is that a society where someone's health problem is not a doctor's decision, but the decision of a health program of some kind.

I think that's absurd. I think if the doctor says you can have a pizza, go ahead and order it. 30 minutes or less. I think if Kaiser Permanente says, look, you can't have this or that topping or whatever, I say, look, shove it back in the oven. We don't need their input. We need single payer. Single payer, five toppings minimum.

Right, right, right, right, right. And if you call now, we've got a very good special. What pizza company are you shilling for? What pizza? Look, well, there's a couple of local Vermont places that basically it's just Costco pizza. Have you ever had Vermont pizza? I haven't had it. Moose syrup. Moose syrup pizza.

The moose is moose pepperoni. Sliced a little around there. Moose pepperoni. That sounds great. Sometimes you get chunks of antler in there. And then it's just a tomato sauce, the syrup, and then the cheese, of course, it's just American cheese. American cheese because you're an American man.

Well, the 800-pound man's father told the news station, I just don't know who to turn to. I called everybody, everybody you can think of in the state of Rhode Island, and nobody seems to be able to help us. It's actually physically difficult to turn to a lot of people. Yeah, it is. He's definitely facing one direction for a long time. Yeah, he is.

Also, they're not letting him in the house because then he'll eat. They probably can't get him into the house. There was a situation. There was about an 800, 900-pound man in my hometown of Stevens Point, Wisconsin when I was growing up, and he had to go to the house. There was a situation. There was about an 800, 900 pound man in my hometown of Stevens Point, Wisconsin when I was growing up and he had to go to the hospital. They had to cut out the entire wall of his bedroom and then pretty much forklift him into an ambulance. And you know the way they do

that? They take the ambulance, they weigh it beforehand, then they put the person in and then they weigh it again and he would have to get weighed at truck stops and weigh stations and then they just subtract the weight and that's how you figured out how heavy this person was. You should see how I get Chris Christie from debate to debate. You're on fire, Bernie.

Getting votes. Getting votes. I'm telling the truth. Nothing to lose. My dad's a funeral director and that's his favorite story to tell is the first time he ever picked up an over 800-pound person

because he just went by himself to a hospital. No one gave him any warning. So him and another male nurse just had to use sheets, and he always says, he goes, you need to lift a body? Get some sheets. They won't break. And that's how they lifted an 800-pound man. They rolled him, right?

They didn't lift him. No, no, no, they lifted him with a sheet. It's my dad, so I'm sure he said two, but I'm sure it was like four. I think he was like, it was just me and another guy. You can move it leg by leg, arm by arm and then you roll over the torso. Get a two by four, wedge it in there, pop him up.

Totally. I watch my 600 pound life all the time and I'm envious of how these people live half the time. It's America. Why don't we just have Kool-Aid man-shaped doorways and conveyor belt sidewalks? Come on. It's a disability. I say, I'm getting larger, so I'm thinking about the future. And if I have a house that's going to have a very large door, folks, I am up to a 36-way

and counting. 36? It's large. I'm a 38, so you're about there. Yeah, I'm coming up on you, buddy. Yeah, we can play football together. You're lapping him? It's incredible.

This is like you planning out your 401k. Absolutely. This is how big I'm going to get. That's the thing, but at some point I'll qualify to be a sumo wrestler, and that's a good market. That's a good market. That's not a good market. That's a good long-term plan.

It's worse than MLS. No one watches sumo here. Unless Bernie Sanders is president. Well, yeah, but I'll move to China or Japan. I don't watch sumo on a week-to-week basis, but I keep track with the scores on the paper. See, he's always looking at it. Perfect. You got to change your lifestyle, Holden.

You will be on one of those TLC shows. Very, very true. I had two big slices of pizza today, and then I was like, oh, honey, I'm big. And she was like, you should go on a run. And I got mad at her instead of doing it. Like an episode of the Honeymooners or something. You used to run a lot, though, didn't you? I did.

I'll run for two weeks at a time and then it gets real boring. That's a real long run. Yeah. As full as Gumpish. I'll four as Gumpit for, yeah, a couple weeks. And then, you know, once the beard gets so long that you're tripping on it while you're trying to run, then you got to cut it and go home and eat a bunch of food. Yeah.

Not bad. Not bad. I'm also a runner, just for the record. I was until very recently. What happened? Well, you know, I'm also a runner, just for the record. I was until very recently. What happened? Well, you know, I'm old. Oh, yeah. I'm 7,400 years old.

Yeah, they leave a couple of zeros off usually when they say that, but yeah. Yeah, sure. Well, people wouldn't believe it. Look, I'm as old as most of the surviving texts in Western culture. That's amazing. If you're 600, 800, 900 pounds, what do you do for exercise? At this point, you've eaten yourself out of all mobility. I got it.

Crab walk. I see. Bring back the crab walk, I say. Yeah, roll around. Yeah. Sex. Roll around. Apparently that's supposed to help.

Yeah, go down a hill. Yeah, but that's gravity. That's not you. You might as well be driving down a hill. Doesn't matter. Go to the moon. Still your body weight. Oh, go down a hill. Yeah, but that's gravity. That's not you. You might as well be driving down a hill. Doesn't matter. Go to the moon. Still your body weight. Oh, go to the moon.

Then you weigh nothing. I didn't think of that. So send this man to the moon. That would be amazing. We should send all the fat people to the moon. And then it'll get all dented up and stuff more than it is. That'll be kind of fun. Gravity on the moon is 20% of the gravity on the earth.

That can solve the obesity problem as soon as we can figure out how to launch them. A big cannon, right? I mean, that's all we need really. Put a tractor beam on the moon. Yeah. And you can suck up the fatties. Eddie, where are you going? Oh my God!

Someplace better! Like a hermit crab this guy is sort of living like, right? Oh, yeah. Do you think he's just going to fill out the space? Yeah, he might.

Well, I don't know. His eating habits were bad in the house. They're thinking that if he stays in the SUV, then they're not going to stay as bad. Are they not feeding him?

Like, I don't understand how that makes it different. I think it's more just him having a kitchen nearby is that they have to periodically restock in small doses instead of going to Costco once a week. He's not able to get up out of this.

No. It's like, what's the difference? He's sitting there. That's what I'm saying. If he can't move, what difference does it make? You can't store a whole lot of food, so he has to wait until you get to the store. I don't know. Maybe.

Where do they park? Yeah. Wouldn't they just park it in the Sam's Club parking lot? I don't know, maybe. Where do they park? Yeah, wouldn't they just park it in the Sam's Club parking lot? I don't know. Sometimes there's a loaded dock. Wait, did he make a comment at all? No, he has not commented.

Let me see if I can find a comment from him. My throat's big. Because we just didn't find it. He's like, no, they've been force-feeding me. They captured me. This is terrible.

I mean, in a lot of cultures, extremely obese people are revered as gods. Oh, I found an update on this story. Turns out he wasn't kicked out for ordering a pizza at all. He claimed it was for ordering a pizza. In reality, he was caught on... He exposed his penis. Well, he was caught on camera harassing a nurse

and mocking taxpayers who paid for his treatment. Oh my goodness. But Bernie, your policies are the reason we're paying for him. I don't know where you're getting that from. I was fed like a hypothetical situation. I responded hypothetically.

I think, look, if you have a problem, if you can't keep your thing in your ample-sized pants, then that's your problem. We have to come after you as a sex fiend. This is fat socialism. I'm a Democratic socialist, but I don't favor anything

Stalinistic or whatever you're thinking of. Yeah. He was in that hospital for a few months. You know how much weight he lost? How much? 20 pounds. That's a piece of shit. If this guy would not eat for like three days, he would lose 50, 60 pounds. Yeah, that's crazy. That is crazy. I have lost weight.

I was going to say, I had gastric bypass when I was younger. And when you go into like a gastric bypass clinic, all of the chairs are like huge so fat people can sit in it. It's very upsetting. But you lose weight so fast if you're on some sort of weird diet. We could all lose

20 pounds if we tried. Well, here's the problem with the gastric bypass surgery, is that you can only be at max 550 pounds. Yeah, he can't get it. Did they try sprinkling on some breadcrumbs or something to soak it up? Yeah, he's too busy showing his dick to nurses that don't want to see it.

I don't think that he could possibly show his dick. You know, it's funny. They say that you gain half an inch of penis for every 50 pounds of weight that you lose because the fupa, the fat upper penis area, that just surrounds the penis. The fat upper penis area. That's great. The fupa. That surrounds the penis.

I lost 160 pounds. I thought it was only for women. And I thought, well, no. We don't have penises. Pussy. Well, yeah, it's usually referred to in that regard. But I had no idea what I was packing until I lost 160 pounds.

And you can actually, you know, reap the rewards of what God gave you. What's this supposed to be, man? What are you trying to do right now? What do you mean, what am I? I'm just saying he can't show his penis. 800 pounds, his penis is inside of his body for all intents and purposes. I can't believe he can feel his penis.

No, I don't think that he can. I mean, literally, I had a coach who was about 500 pounds in high school, and I told the story all the time. He had a string attached to his dick that he would pull out like a turkey being done for Thanksgiving dinner so he could pee. Your penis just goes inside of the fat because it doesn't grow with it. Well he was harassing a nurse but he wasn't sexually harassing

a nurse. He was just an asshole. That's disappointing. I was really hoping that he was sexually harassing a nurse. What'd he say? The video was called Nurse I Need Help. All this stuff is on YouTube. And he can be seen about 50 seconds into the footage

yelling for a nurse to come to his hospital room because the machine wouldn't stop beeping. He started screaming at the top of his lungs, what the fuck is going on here? Nurse, nurse, nurse. He yelled nurse at least 30 times in a 3 minute and 51 second long video where he wrote in the description that he's abusing hospital staff in my america you will only have to shout nurse

10 times before someone is legally obligated yeah to come at least pat you on the shoulder at one point in the footage he starts to play the brit Spears song Give Me More as he places his bedside remote control in and out of his mouth while screaming for a nurse to come. That seems great. That seems great. Just leave him next to a river. Leave him next to a river.

If he comes back, then he lives. Yeah. I am also in favor of doctor-assisted suicide. he lives. Yeah. I am also in favor of doctor-assisted suicide. In this case, I mean,

he's doing it to himself. That is, yeah, it says, if you're a nurse though, I mean, how obnoxious is this patient?

You know, he's eating himself out of a mobility. He's definitely got to think about killing him. Yeah, and the guy does say,

the father does say that he vows to keep driving until he finds a permanent solution for his son. Driving his son around, you mean? Driving his son around. Yes, he vows to keep driving his son around. That's an Oscar movie right there. Keep driving. Or driving Fatty.

I don't know what you want to call it. Yeah, Fatty has fun on a road trip part three. What do you want to call it? I'm not Joe Oscar over here, right? I like Fatty Has Fun. Fatty Has Fun on a Tuesday, yeah. I keep making the title longer, though, because I feel like that's more for Oscar bait.

Longer the title, the more Oscars you win. I like movies that take place in one day, too. That is true. Yeah, yeah. He'll definitely be dead by the end of the day. He'll definitely be one of those. Oh, speaking earlier to our point about sending them to the moon, apparently on the chat, Get Drunk Star Barrel Fires, full of great information today, says that at the cheapest,

it's $10,000 per pound to put something into orbit. Just into orbit. That's not even to the moon. How the fuck does he know that? Well, he just knows it. Because he lights barrels on fire. He knows some stuff. And he doesn't drunk, so he's smart.

Look, maybe we can piggyback some of the urgent needs of NASA with the limited capacity to just get them into orbit. If we can strap them with some sort of transmitting technology, some weather balloon sensors or whatever, and just have human biological satellites. A low Earth orbit from the obese citizens that would pose too much of a burden down here on the surface. Giving us better cell phone plans.

Like an aluminum foil type thing you wrap them in and throw them up there. Sure, just, you know, like a number of vests that each contain like a little receiving dish or this or that. And look, you have maintenance right there at the satellite. If something goes wrong, he can go beep, beep, beep. It's back on. For the big game or whatever. That's a forward-thinking candidate right there, Benny. I know.

I'm blown away. And by the way, Eddie, get drunk, start barrel fires, says, I'm a physicist and a pilot. That's how. Shut the fuck up. Very smart fans. Very smart. Oh, man. Well, good for you. We actually do have quite a few Air Force listeners. It's very strange. I'll tell you what, man.

Nothing's better than a fucking pilot called Barrel Fire. You don't want him flying over your small town, that's for sure. What are you doing, Barrel Fire? You're too high. Is he available for Joint Chiefs of Staff? The Sanders-Larson and Get Drunk Start. Barrel Fire.

Barrel Fire. More fat news? Of course. A jaguar on a breeding loan to a deli zoo in India is being sent back as he is too fat to mate. Twelve-year-old Salman was borrowed from a zoo in Kerala a year ago, but has shown little interest in their female jaguar. Keepers say he reaches out for his meals

quote, more keenly than for calpana. That would be the female jaguar. They say the female is seen trying to entice him, but he lies in a corner and refuses to respond. Maybe he just likes boys. Yeah, I think that's the case.

He also seems like he might be depressed. That's how I am. I can't fuck, but I'll eat a lot. Leave him alone. Leave him alone. The zookeeper says he is lazy, a glutton, just loves to eat and relax. That's just mean.

Why are we judging animals over here? What kind of species have we become? I thought it was 2015, man. I thought we moved forward. Is he actually fat? That's crazy. Yeah, he's actually fat. He said releasing him into a larger enclosure did not prompt him to take

exercise or trigger any interest in mating. Then just put the food on the other side of the cage. Like, make him walk at least over there to get it, right? Put the food on the animal, the female animal. That might work. Kind of erotica, like a sushi off a stripper. I wonder what his PlayStation name is. You know, many in this country today are depressed

because the prospects of getting a job, a good-paying job, aren't that good. And I don't think we have enough high-paying jobs for jaguars. So you think we should just offer this animal a job and it'll get out of his depression? Look, I think that the tools should be there that if you want a job

and you're able and willing to jump out of a tree and kill something or run fast through a prairie or what have you, that job should be available. I mean, that's a paper boy right there. We get him just hawking newspapers and doors. What other kind of jobs do you think he could do? I think that we could break up.

First of all, I propose that we break up Cheetos and that we have multiple people endorsing. Instead of just just the Cheetah, I think why not have Johnny Jaguar, whatever his name is, have four or five because if you're too big to fail, that's too big to be existence. It's time we take on Big Chip.

The Big Chip business. I understand that completely. There are too many flavors right now in the chip game. It's upsetting to me. Too many flavors? He brought me shrimp one time. Yeah, did you see there's a new Reuben sandwich chip? Oh, I'll try that.

Yeah, country gravy and biscuits. Yeah, that seems amazing to me. Do you guys know Shalewa Sharp? The stand-up? No. She was in one of the... Good, Bernie. Good to know you're up on your stand-up.

Atlanta. Atlanta. Young, black, female comic. Very funny. Been in New York for a couple of years, I believe. Bernie. Been in New York for a couple of years, I believe. Bernie, you're so niche. But she was in one of the test groups for cool ranch Doritos. Ranch wasn't a flavor before then.

It wasn't a thing. Can you imagine a world without ranch? It's one of the standard five flavors. Barbecue, ranch, sour cream and onion, plain salted, my personal favorite, and zesty Italian. What? I love watching your face as you're deciding on whatever bullshit was going to come out of your mouth. I'm like, oh, fuck, I said five. Now I've got to come up with five flavors.

You're supposed to say salt and pepper. We've gone. Cheddar, cheddar. Also, I really miss the 3D Doritos. Those were great. Nobody else? I never got into chips. I never got into chips.

You never got into chips? Get out! What do you mean you never got into chips? What the fuck does that mean? I like meat. I like the chips. I never got into chips. You never got into chips? What do you mean you never got into chips? What the fuck does that mean? I like meat. I like meat. I think you're a Russian spy. I don't even think you're American anymore. Yeah, chips isn't something you get into.

It's just chips. Now I'm imagining you as a child walking down the street just eating a bag of meat. Yeah, what are you, the richest person of all time? Lunch meat. I eat a lot of lunch meat. What? That's why he smells like bologna. That's the whole bologna Eddie.

If you were having a sleepover, you would be like, no chips for me. I'd like the bologna. Hey, Mom, will you bring out the plates of meat? It's actually a lot healthier that way. Charcuterie. It is. I mean, I eat chips. I have had chips. Oh, that's good. But I'm not big that way. Charcuterie. It is. I mean, I eat chips, you know.

I have had chips. Oh, that's good. But, you know, I'm not big on them. I like sweets. Mm-hmm. Okay. What about Pringles? What about Pringles?

Oh, Pringles, nah. Pretzels are good. Pretzels are good. How about Munchies? I don't know. I like the Old Bay chips. Those are good. Where do you come down on oatmeal?

Oatmeal? That's almost all I eat. O are good. Where do you come down on oatmeal? Oatmeal? That's almost all I eat. Oatmeal? Yeah. I got oatmeal ranked at 28. Bernie, favorite oatmeal? Go-to oatmeal. I'll play oatmeal. Regular oatmeal flavor. I don't care for cinnamon. What about the syrup? I don't need brown sugar.

Look, I have syrup on the side. I wake up, I take a shot of syrup. And then I read several newspapers for exercise. And then for real practice, I just have some plain, uncooked oatmeal. Yikes, just the flakes. You don't even put it in water? It expands in your stomach.

That's right. The secret lunch. You don't know how much you ate until it tells you. That's nice. Very successful. That's where you're crushing it. You have a lot of longevity out there in the field. That's true.

Energy. Try the birdie diet. Yeah, if you lose this, you can just go out with that. Try the birdie diet. Look, I'm not some kind of Bob Dole character, if that's this, you can just go out with that. Try the Bernie diet. Look, I'm not some kind of Bob Dole character, if that's what you're thinking. If I lose this election, I'm going straight back into the books, looking at all the numbers again like I always have. If I lose this, you're going to have to pull me out of the library in a gurney.

I was just hearing a pizza. Bernie's like Neo from The Matrix. He just sees numbers. He only sees sort of like... That's true, yes. There's some hot numbers coming in. Favorite number? Favorite number?

1% of 1% of 1% of 1%. Tiny number. Technically still a number, though. It's 0.0001 if you want to look at it. That's my favorite number. Why? Why? Because I think that's the number that we have to focus on to take the money away from

them and give it to everybody else. That's a good point. Can't argue with that number. That's a fact. So this little panther tiger thing It's just gonna go back Yeah the jaguar is too fat It's just It's not gonna work out

They should just feed him less Why is that not an option? Yeah why They have control over the food Run that fucker Get him mean again Or let him hunt Make him hunt for the food

Take him to one of those Dog runs in Central Park Exactly Make him chase the dogs And murder the dogs They're saying he's showing They've tried giving him Libido enhancing drugs

And they stroked him He's gay He's a gay. They've tried giving him libido enhancing drugs and they stroke him. He's gay. He's a gay. Ironically, they were giving him, you know, panther claw or whatever and it didn't work. Yeah, that's true. They gotta stroke that fucking thing. They stroke him and stroke him and stroke him and stroke him again, Marcus. Drain him, man. They dewormed

him and everything. It didn't work. All of it. Sounding? You ever sounded a jaguar? You haven't lived till you've sounded a jaguar. Alright. I know how the jaguar feels. I've been sent away for lack of performance before.

Back when I used to hang out in the pegacandied with Stevie Nicks. You had sex with Stevie Nicks then? Nope. I couldn't do it. I was dismissed from a rather fun orgy environment. Yeah. I had to tag out. David Crosby came out and finished the job.

Oh, my goodness. Fresh off his yacht, probably. Ready to go. God, man. It's got to be sad not to fuck better than Crosby. Oh, well, no one did. No one ever could. Everybody wants to blame me.

They ever ask what Stevie's problem was. What was Stevie's problem? Too much Rihanna. Let's move to St. Louis for another story. No, I don't want to do this. You're in a terrible place to St. Louis for another story. Oh, no, that's a nightmare. No, I don't want to do that. You're in a terrible place to go. A man from St. Louis threatened to kill 500 million people with an atomic bomb, then stabbed his caseworker with a samurai sword to keep him from revealing the plan.

Keyword, caseworker. Caseworker. Huh. Joseph Jakin, 80, 29, faces felony charges of assault and armed criminal action and a misdemeanor charge of making a terrorist threat court documents claim the attack happened thus the caseworker was visiting aid as a part of an outpatient care program on september 28th when aid threatened to blow up his entire block with an atomic bomb aid i don't know okay but we say terroristic threat?

We've talked about a lot of these ridiculous stories. It's only a misdemeanor though. I mean, this is not an act of terror. It's not a terroristic threat. It's an impossibility.

Well, he claimed to be working with Turkish terrorists. And what kind of mental disease does he have? Oh, he's got a whole series of things going on.

Right. It seems like a pretty... I think the atomic bomb was only going to wipe out his block. Yeah, the 5400 block of Louisiana Avenue in South St. Louis. It's a big block. It's a suburban area. Suburban area. Large car-oriented society.

Well, they said it was going to start there, and then that's where it would begin, and then eventually they would kill 500 million people. It was like a grassroots movement. Yeah. Sounds like the Turks, though. Bernie, what would you do? I mean, are you for nuclear weapons, or do you want to sort of lessen it?

In fact, I am the last serving member of the No Nukes movement. I never turned in my card. When Orson Welles passed away, I became the chairman of No Dukes. That's me. Wow. So, yep, I say No Dukes. I think we should replace all of our nuclear weapons with just nice little messages, a nice song or something. Like a singing telegram person?

Yes, exactly. A singing telegram. Maybe some Tetris blocks that we shoot over to try to confuse an enemy. By rapidly dropping Tetris blocks onto them or something. But I owe Dr. Mario, Wario's or whatever you have. But I don't think there's any place for nuclear weapons in the 21st century, despite all of science fiction. Seems like kind of a Game Boy strategy. Yeah.

You could call it that. Yes. You could call it the Game Boy strategy. If Rick can get Star Wars like kind of a Game Boy strategy. You could call it that, yes. You could call it the Game Boy strategy. If Rick gets Star Wars, I get a Game Boy. If you see Tattrick's blocks, you've got to put them together. You have to. Well, that sounds to me like... And that's a Russian song, too, so it sends a message, you know?

The Kremlin was in the background of that game, wasn't it? Yes, it was. They love putting stuff together. Yeah. Bernie, first laugh that Bernie got. Eddie got Bernie's first laugh. Well, this guy, he claimed to be

working with Turkish terrorists, and he told his caseworker not to tell anyone, but the worker told him, look, I got to tell my supervisor. The guy then pulled out a samurai sword, started waving it around, causing the victim to try to unlock the front door to leave, and as he was doing that, he felt a sharp pain in the upper right part of his back. The victim was able to leave, get in his vehicle, and drive away. He then called St. Louis police.

Who among us hasn't swung a samurai sword around at our case work? Right. Raise your hand. I'm more of a katana guy myself. Where was the sword the whole time? You can't just be talking to people and just have a sword and not see it. He had to go get it. What happened?

Was it on his hip? Where'd he get it from? Maybe it was stuffed in the back of his shirt. Could be. And he pulled it out. Yeah, that very much could be it. He might have had a very long bag with him. Or a trench coat, like a Highlander.

What do you say a long back? He might have had a long back with him. Or like a cake in the shape of a sword. And he just pulled the icing off. Or a turtle shell backpack. I'll tell you what. You never know. That caseworker is going to get so much pussy, though.

He got knifed with a sword. Yeah. Yeah. Does that get you pussy? Sure. Absolutely. In the caseworker game, yeah. In St. Louis.

In St. Louis, that's about the alpha top of the pack. Well, this guy threatened to shoot arriving officers who assembled a SWAT team, but when the SWAT team entered his apartment, he was completely gone. Police did find what they described as, quote, possible bomb-making components in a clear glass jar. They later found him in downtown St. Louis.

The caseworker could not be reached for comment, unfortunately. A spokesman for his employer, a St. Louis-based nonprofit healthcare organization, declined to comment. This is not this guy's first run-in with police. On January 30th in 2011, he approached an officer and said, I have a knife.

I will hurt you before running off. It's another tough day on the job. And he was charged with assault and sexual misconduct in May after being accused of flashing his genitals to a bank employee. And then elbowing a police officer who responded. Because of the joke. He's like, I'm going to go show her my gun and I'm going to get all the money. Yeah, kind of a funny little lark there.

I feel like if it's just balls out of the pants, you shouldn't be charged with that. It's kind of funny. Yeah, it's real funny. Balls is just funny. Yeah. That's not a sexual threat. Not at all. That's just a goofy little game.

Just balls. Yeah. We're just having fun. I would commute the sentence for anyone facing public exposure, time in jail for more than five years. I would commute the sentence for one ball, but not the other. So you just cut the ball out of the person. Two balls, you're out.

One ball, I'll give you a second shot. So you're going to get rid of three strikes and you're out, but two balls. That'll be almost the only crime. What do you get for showing an asshole? That's lewd. A butt or a full-on asshole? Like open cheeks?

Spread cheeks. A butt's nothing. No one cares about a butt. A asshole's the lewdest thing you can show to a person. It really is, but I feel like you get in more trouble for pulling your dick out. Yeah. I think the hole's way grosser looking. Dirty or clean, it's gross looking to me.

So it's just presenting it in public? Yeah, but I'm talking hole. They're saying hole. I mean, if it's just presenting it in public yeah but i'm talking whole they're saying whole i mean it's just an ass that's wonderful i love an ass yeah but like spreading the cheeks bending over and presenting it to all around like trying to protract it or whatever why is why is the first verb that we use for that is there any so you wouldn't want to like an award yeah it's what animals do presenting reallying rarely. Yeah, but that's for fucking. Yeah, I mean, it could end up in fucking. Yeah, that's why it's like, that's why it's bad.

No, it's for farting. You just want people to see my farts. Someone farts at me, they should get life in prison. Life in prison. If I see that fart come out of an asshole, which is like watching, trying to watch a pot boil, but you know, if I see that happening, I'm very upset. They're killing me or I'm killing them. You should stop watching assholes. I need to stop looking at

assholes. Seems like you really like it. I'm getting in there with it. 78 degrees and clear in St. Louis right now. Oh, very nice. I love it. Bernie, what's your stance on weather? Look, I am against global warming.

That's very good. I think that fracking should be stopped. I think we should forcibly put all that oil back in the ground by ejecting it violently the way we've gotten it out. What if we did more of a farting? We just brought the McNeelys of the world over to those rocks and had them toot right there and tried to get the resources out that way. I have to consult with my geological team and get back to you with an answer.

Yeah, it's about efficiency. Putting people to work. Look, as long as it involves pulling someone's finger, I think it could work. So what's happening? This case case worker he's a terrorist now yeah the the case well the the guy that attacked the case worker he's got to charge a terroristic threat but he's been a lot he's one of those guys that calls up 9-1-1 says hey i'm gonna go shoot up the mall and then they go and they find him they arrest him and he gets out and he does it he's just a troublemaker in general yeah public beating public beating you think beating. You think that, yeah, we're

going with public beating on this one? I'm giving him public beating. Alright. I'm open to looking at a lot of ways to reduce the prison population. Yeah, this is one of our big stances on Roundtable is that many of the crimes that we talk about on the show, the actual punishment shouldn't be jail time or even a fine,

just public beating. I don't know if I could get on board with corporal punishment. That sounds a little bit too fascistic for my taste. I think, in my view, I think civil punishment could include a stern talking to from time to time. A lot of finger waving. Somebody should, you know,

you should have a few professor type people come by and go, look what you've done. That always worked for me. I think just a public shaming is more important than a public beating, you know? Yeah, pull his pants down. Yeah, pull his pants down, make him march through the town. Oh, like a goofy public shaming. Yeah, like where everyone points and laughs at him.

But what if it's public exposure that got him arrested in the first place? Yeah, he likes that. If he gets hard from it, then we'll come up with another way. I like Ed's idea of throwing old cheese at him. Yeah, that works. Something like that. Shit. They should tar and feather him, man, like old school shit.

Okay, that's pretty harsh. That's humiliating. I think we've learned. We've come a long way. I think it's time a civilized society just feathers people and no tar. Maybe a maple syrup or something like that. Yeah, what do you think about that? Syrup and feather. Look, you can eat your way out of it.

Maybe a syrup and little marshmallow. Well, now we're just getting tasty. You're a bit smored. Yeah, I sentence you to be smored. Oh my god. Yeah, I love it. I'd really like to be s'mored right now that would be like amazing we talk about the tar and feathering as if it's like humorous and things

like that everyone who got tar and feathered uh you know they ended up dying because your body you know there's no room for oxygen to escape and then you slowly rip off the tar and then your skin goes with it and then there would just be like walking uh you know human like not skeletons but it's the worst thing you could do to somebody it really really is. You think about it kind of comically nowadays. But you imagine if you actually saw a tar and feathering. I mean, that's pretty traumatizing. What's the point of the feathers? That's the humiliation part.

The tar kills you. Tarring is actually very respectable. Very respectable. The horrific part is the tar. The thing is it just sort of catches anything around it. So feathers are, you know, oops, ha ha, look at that. The thing is, it just sort of catches anything around it, so feathers off. You know, oops, ha-ha, look at that.

It makes it easier on the viewer of the horrible punishment. Right. Kids are able to watch it because they go, oh, look, he's a bird man. He is, like a pro wrestler or something. What if the bird man's jerking off? What if the bird man's, you know, screaming obscenities? You never know. You mean Coco Beware?

Is that what the reference was? That's right. I love Coco Beware. Coco Beware. I thought he should have been world champion a couple more times. I agree. We need to put tar and feather, though. It needs to be up there with the Iron Maiden and all of those horrific old school Middle Ages. I think it is.

It's not really. I think it's a laughing point. No. I mean, it's something the Three Stooges did. Looney Tunes, right? Most of what the Three Stooges did. Looney Tunes, right? Most of what the Three Stooges did is outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Very true. Article 4 explicitly outlaws twisting someone's nose unto coercion.

That's right. Next story? Sure. Going to Florida for this one. Surprise, surprise. Oh, yeah. To a Publix. I love Publix.

Publix is great. Greatest grocery store. Go to Publix, everybody. Very well air conditioned. Go get a sandwich, some fried chicken, enjoy yourself. Yeah. I knew you guys would get excited about Publix. Fucking animal.

Is he off the ticket? I don't know. I'm intrigued. He could pull as many votes as maybe, you know, Jesse Ventura, Howard Stern or something. He's just kind of a monster. A man caught placing his iPhone under the skirt of a public shopper told police that he was actually, quote,

taking pictures of cakes for his wife and not engaging in some felonious supermarket voyeurism. According to a police report, the female victim told officers that she caught Michael Shukri Abdul's Atala, 48, filming up her skirt as she shot

Thursday night at the Palm Harbor, Florida market. The woman confronted Atala, reported cops who noted that store surveillance captured the act. When a sheriff's deputy questioned Atala, he, quote, claimed to be taking pictures of cakes for his wife. Atala lives about half a mile from the public supermarket where he was busted.

The report does not detail why Atala's purported spouse needed a gallery of cake images, though Deputy Chester Johnson did point out that Atala's iPhone handiwork, quote, occurred in the deli by the hot chicken, not the bakery. Oh, interesting. You know, I get the same feeling

with this as I do when people film at concerts, especially when we went to see the Black Keys. Remember MTV was like filming the Black Keys that night and people still had their cameras out. Not, I mean, but there was professional camera equipment around that was going to give you a much better view. There was so much upskirt porn out there on Pornhub and all.

This guy doesn't have to be doing this by himself. It's about the thrill of getting it yourself. Yeah. It's about violating. It's not about art. He's an eye reporter? No, he's a DIY guy. It's like, you know, when you build something yourself and it's a lot more satisfying.

Yes, you had to rather have someone put my shelves up for me. Right, I'm with you. It's already all out there. Why bother? You get a certain pride. I mean, I get it. Because it's exciting to violate a woman. What's wrong with you?

In all fairness, though, there was a cake in her pants. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like that Jane's Addiction, whatever. Ben Gott's stealing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. What are you going to do? So I guess the guy films it, and then this is what he gets off on.

I just don't fully understand the feathers, to be honest. It's like rich people who steal. You could get it. You have the money. That's not the point. It's the actual act of the thrill. Taking what's not yours. Exactly.

Exactly. Which is why they need more and more of the wealth of our country. Bernie, what's your stance on cake? Cake? Look. I, in my view, the top layer of the

frosting controls too much of the sugar content compared to the lower middle class and the lower layers of the cake. You're really politicizing the cake here, Bernie. I would distribute the sugar content from the top of the cake to all of the layers of the cake evenly. Bringing politics to sweets. It ain't right, Bernie. It's your dream, Ben.

It's your absolute dream. It ain't right, Bernie. It's your dream, Ben. It's your absolute dream. It ain't right. So the guy got busted for upskirts. Yeah, he got busted for upskirts. There's two looking girls in public. It's just a supermarket. Rated best place to meet women. I went there every day. Not a one of them

would give it a look. Not a one of them would give it a look, man. Not a one of them would say a hey, hello. Give it a look? Me, just like your face. You think I'm talking about my penis? It's like standing there with your penis. Just because I have the face of a deviant doesn't make me a deviant. Dad.

Jump into conclusions. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your reaction to just knowing I was talking about your penis is how I know you're a deviant. And everything he says makes him a deviant. Well, that's also how you know that he suppresses it. I walk into a store, they go, hey, don't show it to me.

And I'm like, I'm just here to get some fish for my girlfriend. You know? I'm at the market. It reeks in here, by the way. I hate the smell of the fish market. Garbage place to shop. Holden's dick is like a water weenie,

so it's really difficult for him to pull it out. That's the thing. It's kind of more like a bag than anything else. See, that's why he's always like, oh, I'm going to show you my bag. And I'm like, what are you talking about? You'll see. Sadly, you will know soon enough what I mean by that.

Paper or plastic, I say. It's sad that just by the smell of fish you take your dick out. That's the thing. So what if they say paper or plastic, what's with paper and what's with plastic? I punch it before I show it if it's paper. I just show it if it's plastic. What?

There's no reason for it. That's what I do. Talk about reduce, reuse, recycle. This guy's charged with video voyeurism, which is a felony, by the way, and booked into the county jail. He was released from custody Friday night after posting $5,000 bond. According to his Facebook page, he works for a Clearwater software firm. The page includes no photos or mentions of a wife, however.

So that might be a lie. I was going to say, let's hear the wife's interview on this. That's not what I wanted! Yeah. Maybe she's all for it. You never know what people are up to. All right. Got to go to Publix.

What, his fake wife is really into him hanging off skirts? You don't want to know what happens in a Piggly Wiggly. Oh my God. I love Piggly Wigglies. Do you use one of those selfie sticks in these situations? That probably worked better.

Yeah, like a boom mic type thing. Yeah. I never, I actually, doing the up skirt thing is pretty tough. Yeah.

Why do you know that? I'm thinking, I mean, walking with her legs spread apart? Yeah, I'm thinking about the logistics on this. So what do you do? I guess you'd kneel down to the lower part of the grocery store, and then you just kind of stick your hand out and just blindly take pictures and hope that one of them works out. And it's Publix, man.

It's all full of lights up there. The shadow must be terrible. You can't see the shadow. Oh, yeah. Selfie stick up the pants The shadow must be terrible. You can't see the shadow. Selfie stick up the pants. Phones on the foot. You can hit that by clicking the stick on

the side of your... Still illegal. Not even in Bernie's world is that okay, Eddie. I'm going to see some up pants shots. Yeah, sure. The up pants. I'm going to start some up-pants shots. Yeah, sure. Yeah, wear the up-pants. I'm going to start wearing skirts. I think it's going to be more like a cargo short thing. That's how you got to get it up there.

Yeah, like guys in kilts. That's the way to go. An up-kilt. You own a kilt? I'm sure there's up-kilt. I did actually own a kilt. I was taken from me. I don't know what happened to it. I wore it, though, once in London, and this Scottish man got very mad at me.

Apparently, he's very disrespectful to be an American in a kilt. Was it a utila kilt? It wasn't like one of those real ones? It was legit as fuck. I got it from Edinburgh, and it was my family name's kilt, the McNeely kilt. The colors were green, and I think there was some blue in there. You got to put that third E in that McNeely. Yeah, yeah.

McNeely. McNeely. So you guys have a family crest, then? Oh, Lord, yeah. What'sely. McNeely. So you guys have a, so wait, so you guys have a family crest then? Oh, Lord, yeah. What's on it? It's a fucking eagle with its head exploding. Awesome.

There's just brain, eagle brains flying everywhere. Is that because it ate too many rice pellets out in the yard? Yeah, exactly. It's 3D.

You have to wear 3D glasses just to fucking look at it. And McNeely has to fucking flick you off the entire time you're doing it and talk shit about your mom while you fucking look at it. And then he nearly has to fucking flick you off the entire time you're doing it and talk shit about your mom while you're looking at it. The Sanders family crest, I actually looked up on Ancestry.com

and it's the seal, the crest, the emblem is just a series of, a stack of books that are open and they're sort of bookmarked and there's some notes that the reader has taken all the various information of the books. It's just citations.

And there's no Latin. It's just 11001. There's binary code around the side of it on a bunch of ribbons. And instead of any kind of arrows on the cross, there's just a couple of non-violent rounded sticks. That's cool.

That's a hell of a... Oh, books and sticks. Yeah, it's a very non-aggressive, abrasive crest. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It also happens to double as the emblem of the American Library Association. I love it. One more story?

Sure. We can do that in our segment. Let's it. One more story? Sure. Let's just do one more. Okay. You just want to do one more? Let's do one more. I'd like to do it. I have my reasons for doing one more, Ben. All right, let's do it then.

Let's do one more. Let's get to it, because I've got to get out of here. I'm crashing on Cornel West's couch. So I've got to make the train and make sure he's still in the office to let me in. The office couch. All right. Well, let's go to a segment from Hope McNeely. A magic spell will do you well, Marcus.

We're all going to come up with magic spells. All right. Now, mine is sort of like it's like a cone kind of spell. It's almost like a reconnaissance kind of spell you know it shoots out 50 mile radius right and and it tells you who in that 50 mile radius around you is horny and then you can go party with them like an app yeah yeah it's just kind of like yeah but it's a spell it's like it's like a blue bubble you'll see yeah right and it'll kind of allow you to see through walls at people and stuff.

Oh, but I don't... It'll tell you who's horny. So they don't have to be on the app then. It's kind of better than Tender and Grinder and all that because it's dependent. Yeah, you fist pump twice and it shoots the spell out, right? Okay.

Bang, bang. And it'll tell you every, exactly each person that's horny. It's not really a spell as much as like a magic power. Yeah, that's a spell. It's not really a spell as much as a magic power. Yeah, that's a spell. It's your spell that tells you every person near you that's horny. Within how many radius?

50 miles. 50 miles. That's a lot of people. You can get them all together and party with them. All right. All right. Let's do Bernie next because I know he's got to get out of here. What was the question again?

I'm against abortion protestism in favor of pro-choice. So a magical spell. A magical spell. For Marcus to use. For me, personally. For you to use at your own discretion. At my own discretion, yeah. She's responsible. Yes, I'm a very responsible

person. Okay, so this is a spell that makes the state of Texas magically turn into a rainforest. To help solve global warming. And then also, look, we pay for it. We pay for it

by simultaneously sinking Florida in the underwater rapidly, not unlike Lex Luthor plot. So that we can then use that excess water that we cart over to water the rainforest of Texas. All right, so geomancy. Yeah, yeah.

Very good. You know how to use the word. Yeah. Thank you, Bernie. All right, Kevin? For you. All right, the spell's for you then, right? This is a spell where you alone are able to, you can't do this to others,

but change the consistency of your bones depending on what animal you're thinking about. So it's great for situations you're in a fight. You want to fuck somebody up? Whale bones. Probably stronger. If you want to get yourself just crushed, you turn it to fucking kettle fish bones or something like that, and then it's easier for you to just get torn apart. So I'm just changing density.

You're changing density. But not shape. Not shape. Just density. The animal you're thinking about is density. That's the spell. It's very good, Ben. I like it.

I'm going to say you got your pizzas, your Papa John's, Pizza Hut's, Domino's, everything that you eat. It's a magic spell for Marcus to use. Moose meat pizza. Remember that? Yeah, whatever. But the spell, it makes it healthy. And the more you eat, the more weight you lose and the buffer you get. So something where it changes everything that's good to eat.

It's sort of like the movie Thinner, but you have control. Oh. And so at some point you don't have to use the spell and you can actually get some nutrition too. Wow. So I could just eat like curry like all the time and it's totally cool. Yeah.

It sounds like more of a spell for Ben than for very skinny Marcus. Yeah. I mean I don't really know. Very skinny Marcus kind of doesn't need that. I kind of need

I mean I can eat whatever I want and do just fine. Anything. Yeah I can eat anything. All the time huh? All the time. Yeah he eats only burgers and burritos.

I see it every day. So my spell has already worked. Yeah. So I think I won eat anything. Kind of all the time, huh? All the time. Yeah, he eats only burgers and burritos. I see it every day. So my spell has already worked. Yeah. So I think I won that one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's just an unfortunate, but fortunate at the same time. Yeah, it's a genetic thing.

Weird. Nailed that one. Very weary. Okay, a spell for Marcus would be at any moment you can find out who around you is a serial killer so you can interview them and then you have more stuff for last podcast of the month.

I thought of that one earlier so I think that's really cool. I may have lied. I have said three lies in this podcast. You have to figure out, folks at home, which lie...

This is good. This gives us re-listenable content. You have to figure out which lie I have said. It's also for me because we work in the same building, so you could be like, that's a serial killer. Don't go near that person. Get that out.

Yeah. Don't get that out. It's perfect. Get him out of here. Perfect. Okay, so here's your spell. It only lasts for three minutes at a time. What is the cool down rate?

Immediate. And what happens is when you're talking to someone and you want to know if they're thinking about sex, their hair grows so rapidly that you can see it growing like violently if they're thinking about fucking. And if they're not, it doesn't grow, but it's only for three minutes at a time. And that you can use on dates. But what's the cool down rate after that? Like if I use it for three minutes at a time, how long do I have to wait to use it again?

Oh, you can use it over and over again, but just never on the same person in a row. Oh, never on the same person in a row. Okay. Yeah. So I'm just going to, but that's the thing is that if their hair starts growing rapidly, they're going to start freaking out

and not want to fuck anymore. Yeah, well, that's the burden that you have to carry. The curse. Or is it like it's just you see it and they don't see it? No. Oh. All right.

No. That's the better version of holding. Yeah, my horniness spell. You can party with them. Ed? Don't say anything about people getting horny, because apparently no one likes it. Everyone hates it, even though you can party with them all night.

Anyways, Ben. I mean, Ed. Bone duplicator. Bone duplicator? Always with the bone. What a cheap shot with the bone. You're playing to Marcus. Yeah.

If you told me to make one for myself, it wouldn't be a fucking bone duplicator. What would it be? A ham duplicator. Ed gets it. Ham duplicator. Ham duplicator it is. What an episode of the round table. God, I'm so happy

we've been doing this podcast for five years. We can party with him afterwards. Yeah, we can party with him. Yep. Absolutely. So Eddie wins with the ham duplicator. How are you, Ed? You doing good? I'm good, man. As soon as I get some more ham. Alright, find Eddie Toons on Twitter at Eddie Toons underscore.

Yes. And then Holden McNeely Toons on Twitter, at Eddie Toons underscore. Yes. And then Holden McNeely isn't on Twitter. Catcher6945, PlayStation Network. Hit me up. We'll give you a shout out. Would love to play a game sometime. What's the 49? 6945.

Oh, 69... What's the 45? I don't know. You're your fucking... An old kind of music. That's right. That's right. That's why he gets My fucking vote

Little small panthers Kevin Barnett Thank you Can we all just Congratulate Kevin For selling the show Jesus Should have done that earlier

You know But anyway Congratulations Thanks man Yeah no one's gonna hear It's the end of the episode People stick around I mean you know

Some people do I don't know. Fat Boy Barnett, you can find him on Twitter. Maria, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. And people check out her podcast. Sure. It's about us.

Yeah. It's on iTunes. And you're on Twitter, too? SoundCloud Stitcher. You can look me up on Twitter. I'm Maria Heinig. M-A-R-I-A-H-E-I-N as in Nigeria. E-G-G.

Okay. And then, of course, Miss Peggy O as in Nigeria. E-G-G. Okay. And then, of course, Miss Peggy O'Leary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. HLV, Heartily Ambitious, and Peggy O'Leary. Awesome. And thank you so much, Senator Sanders, for being with us the entire episode. Thank you. That's a distinct honor and also the only available show I could do on a Sunday night in New York, believe it or not.

It was an honor having you here, Bernie. Thank you. The honor is all yours. Of course. If you want to know more about Bernie Sanders, just go on anyone's Facebook wall. And you can see pro or con. If you want to see it from my mouth,

you can tune in Tuesday night for the debates. That's right. Watch Bernie this Tuesday. Or go to BernieSanders.com. That's the campaign website. Yes. And, of course, find Marcus Parks on Twitter at Marcus Parks. I'm at Ben Kissel.

RT of Gentleman also is on there. Yes. All right. And join the Facebook page also. All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks. Peace.

Peace. Mate. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.