The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 263: Going to Spaghetti Town

Episode Date: October 20, 2015

Today on Round Table: a kangaroo gets loose on Staten Island, a woman's dead body is mistaken for a Halloween decoration, and a man cuts off his ears to look more like his pet parrot.

Hey, what's going on you fuckers? We're doing the Sausage Fest again this year, November 8th, starting at 5pm. You're gonna get food, and at 7pm you can come see all your favorite cave comedy radio shows live for 20 minutes each. Come and get some piggy and put it in your head hole, you fuckers! The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! gentlemen let's broaden our minds it's time for action gentlemen gentlemen what's the topic of discussion civility gentlemen always civility. You gotta do it, too. You gotta thank God for Kevin's new television show. I'll thank God for my Taco Bell commercial.

You got one? I got one, baby. Pantsless groomsmen, you're looking at him. Whoa! This is the first good news from the McNeely camp in seven years. Holy shit, there is a guy. I got it. I changed.

I got it. They told me to bring underwear options tomorrow for the fitting. Well, congratulations. Out of a fatting, yeah. There you go. There he is. So everybody, close your eyes for a guided meditation. From a real life actor.

I know! My favorite restaurant! SAG eligible actor. Holden McNeely! Look out, Hollywood! And that's why you're south of the border, baby. Right now, in your guided meditation. You're a little chihuahua.

And what's he doing? He's got a rumble in his tummy. And it's about 5 o'clock You know what that means? It's time to smell the bell So you're going to go through the Taco Bell drive-thru You're going to get yourself some burritos You're going to get yourself some Um, quesadillas You're going to do the soft tacos

And we're going to ask for some extra ass fire sauce What are we getting, Ben? Gordita? Gordita! We're going to do it! And we'll get that dessert taco, too. You better believe it. Now you're one happy little dog. Choco taco, friends. You're going to eat that up. It's got a little bit of chocolate

in it. I think it has ice cream. I don't know. I haven't eaten at Taco Bell in years, but I plan to start eating there every single day. So there you go. Thank you very much, Taco Bell. And open your eyes. I think that's the name, right?

I better get good at saying the name. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Run to the border. Quality food. Reasonable prices. Oh, my God.

The best. I spent $33 the last time I was there, Marcus. Jesus. On what? Everything. Oh, man. They said it was the most anyone had ever ordered. Oh, my God.

I thought I had a family at home. And I said, I'm buying this much because I don't. What? Everything. Oh, man. They said it was the most anyone had ever ordered. Oh, my God. I thought I had a family at home, and I said, I'm buying this much because I don't. And it was great. On that note, open your eyes. You're at the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Wow. Smell the bell needs to be the new catchphrase for Taco Bell. Smell that bell, baby.

I love it. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. My mood is just picked up. I believe there's faith in humanity and maybe we can all be successful if Holden McNeely got a Taco Bell commercial. I'm thrilled. I can't believe it. I'm so happy for you. I got no lines.

No lines. That's perfect. But SAG eligible? SAG eligible. I might even be a must pay at this point. And I had to take my pants off for both of the auditions. And my agency did not tell me i was going to have to do that before walking in so thank god i got some new boxers on the two times that i walked into that audition what a day for the people cast in that exciting uh edward

you're here how you doing you got a taco bell commercial no i i i fucked up my callback for a LifeLock security commercial. Were you the criminal? Yes, the criminal. I was a bank robber. I thought you had it, man. I thought you were a shoo-in. He had to wear a stocking. They put a stocking on my face, but every time I said a joke, they're like, don't say that.

And I think I pissed, I don't know. Well, they don't want the wet bandits. They want a very, very serious home intruder. You know, the wet bandits from Home Alone, of course. We're robbing a bank. What jokes were you saying in the LifeLock commercial? I said, get down, you old bitch. Well, that's just a sentence.

Eddie, sometimes your jokes are just sentences. Every time I've cursed in an audition, and I've gotten it. You know, I cursed in commercial. I cursed in the Nike one, you know, and I got that, and then it never went to air. And then, uh, I don't know. So, yeah, get prepared for that when it doesn't go to air. There you go. Don't bring it down with your real life.

I don't want to jinx it. I really don't. That thing's hitting the internet for an eight-week cycle, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. You know Danny Jollis, right? He lives in L.A. He's a comic. Yeah. But he had one of the most devastating commercial things I've ever heard of. I remember he was, it was like two years ago. He was so hyped.

He booked this big Coca-Cola commercial, right? Yeah. And he's so excited about it. They were talking about the potential. It was going to be like millions of dollars. Play at the Super Bowl and shit. They were telling him they might use him on Coke cans and shit. It was this huge thing.

And he was so excited. He books it, right? And he's going to go shoot it. He goes and he shoots it. It doesn't come out for a while. He doesn't hear anything from these people. Finally, he ends up seeing it, and what they did was, I guess whoever was in charge of this shit was so upset by his face

and his appearance that they took his voice and just his body frame and animated a polar bear's face on top of his and his arms. They dubbed some other dude's voice, but it's his body walking through the pit. And it's some other dude's voice with his body and a polar bear face and arms walking through the pit. Wow. A human face lost to a polar bear face. Isn't that sad?

One of the saddest things I've ever heard. All right. Holden, you're here, obviously. Yeah, I got some PlayStation Network shout outs. So let's hear them.'ve ever heard. All right, Holden, you're here, obviously. Yeah, I got some PlayStation Network shout-outs, so let's hear them. Here we go. All right.

Torobisu118, he wants to tongue-bin in his bung prison style. Very fine, thank you. TheFrozenMustard is a fucking shithead. DragonBallZ's girlfriend, or Dagonagan ball z's girlfriend is a fucking idiot chair as 88 would like blowjobs from his wife when he plays fifa and buckeye max aka derrick is a big bug fucking cunt booger that's playstation network shout outs thank you oh by the way holdenators who all right right. You filthy maggots. That's good, Kevin. All my fans are fucking degenerates.

They are. I agree with that. Sitting in for Jackie, who's apparently sick. What does she have, Holden? Bitches disease. All right. Very good. Thank you.

Tell him, man. Yeah. She's at home giving Doug a real fun time right now. So God bless him. All right. Catherine Timpf is with us here in the Chuckle Hut. Hi. She's filling in for Jackie. Hi.

I seriously feel like I'm going to throw up. So yeah, Kevin, how's the television show coming along? Oh, it's all right. You know, we just fucking hanging out

and shit like that. That's how Hollywood works. Yeah. Yeah. You just kind of hang out, man. It's all about lunches. You have a lot of lunches. I did eat a lot of lunches

out there, man. All types of different shit. I went to this place, they had an egg on a fucking, I don't know what you call it. The egg was in some shit. The egg was in some shit. Sounds great. It does sound great. I ain't really too good at describing it, but y'all understand what I'm saying.

I don't. And yeah, so I'm very happy. And you're feeling like you have a reason to live. Oh yeah, a little bit. It's alright. Good. I ate some Haitian food today. Oh man, I thought that was great. It was... It's just like rocks.

It's good for the digestion. Like a duck. I never had Haitian food before because I took a moral stance against it. And what was the moral stance against it? You know And what was the moral stance against it? It was just island wars. Oh, yeah. And I went and I had it today, and it was just like Jamaican food but worse.

And I was very upset because originally I was going to go to this French place, and I told my bitch, I said, get ready. We're fucking going to this shit. Right. We got to get there before three. I didn't even know that, But I made it up in my head And what did you And what did you really say to her

I said Listen Can't We gotta I kinda wanna try this new spot And then We fucking get to this shit You know

Try to eat this brunch They like kitchen closes At three thirty We open back again at five Unbelievable And then I had to go To the fucking Haitian spot Oh man

Cook's got a goddamn machete I was so mad I'm sorry There was a dumpster to go to the fucking Haitian spot. Oh, man. Cook's got a goddamn machete. I was so mad. I'm sorry. There was a dumpster right next to the place. I should have thrown her in it. Wow. They cook everything. I'm like a shovel over fire. You never know what they're up to. I mean, it's

a large country. It was devastated by an earthquake. If we could have a little bit of respect for the Haitian people. Sideway shopping cart. Alright. All right. Good Lord. Well, I'm happy you had a wonderful brunch. All right, Marcus. So we got some news stories, I'm sure.

A murdered woman was discovered this week hanging from a chain link fence in Ohio, but passerby ignored the victim at first because they assumed it was a Halloween prank. I feel like it happens every year. Every year. Is she dead? It's a good time to dispose of a body. Yeah. I totally agree.

Ladies and gents. Absolutely. You can just kill someone as long as you can hang them outside your house. Yeah, I mean, you could literally put this on your front yard

for at least until early November and at that point the cops come sniffing around. Especially if it's a little chilly, the body won't even really decompose that much. Right. All you gotta do is Febreze it and if. Especially if it's a little chilly, the body won't even really decompose that much. All you gotta do is Febreze it. If it starts to

fuck up a little bit, you're fine. Which is pretty much what Febreze commercials have become. The blindfold commercial where they're like, what does it smell like? And they're like, it smells great, and they take off the blindfold, and it looks like you're in John Wayne Gacy's crawl space. I use that Poo-Pourri. Spray it in the bowl before you

drop the deuce. It's called Poo-Pourri? Oh, yeah. It's called Poo-Pourri. Youay it in the bowl before you drop the deuce. It's called Poo-Pourri? Oh, yeah. It's called Poo-Pourri. You spray it in the bowl, and then you shit, and it covers up all your poopies with nice little good smells. Oh, yeah. It's very useful. If you live in a studio with your girlfriend, you need some fucking Poo-Pourri.

Yeah, I may or may not get it. We don't live in a studio. I don't know what she eats, but I made her get it. Yeah, you have to. It's definitely an internet product. You don't buy Poo-Pourri face-to-face with a cashier. I feel like it would be embarrassing. We, you know, for our dumb sketch comedy, we buy dildos and condoms all the time.

I always love asking for unlubricated. No unlubricated condoms. No, the idea of buying an unlubricated condom, I mean, the cashier knows you're a sociopath. Yeah, it's like, I like it bad. I like it rough, but I like it bad. A lot of friction. I like it bad. It's gotta be bad. So, this chick is just

hanging out there on the fence. I mean, as a person, if you're driving by, don't you immediately just assume everything is fine? Especially in October, at the very least, you can just be like, I see a homeless person on the street about to die. I'd be like, hey, come.

Great installation. That is a great Halloween installation that was made by the neighbors here. You don't have to worry about a person's life if you just constantly think that everything is just a gag. Well, Tillicothe, Ohio, cops say the victim, Rebecca Cade, 31, had been severely beaten and was trying to run away. But as she climbed the fence, her sleeve got entangled in the barbs on top of the fence, and Detective Bud Little said she ended up passing away dangling from the fence. Oh, so he didn't even put her up there.

Nobody wants that. No, she was trying. She was beaten with a grapefruit-sized rock in a field and managed to make it 150 yards to the fence. Her cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head and neck. The cops found a blood-covered rock at the scene of the crime, which they believe was the murder weapon. Several people noticed the woman's body on the fence

but didn't initially comprehend what they were seeing. Little says there were some neighbors taking their kids to school. They thought it was a Halloween decoration. But what are you going to tell your kid? I thought he did it intentionally. I thought he was real smart about hiding the body, but it probably happened like he was just chasing her, and he saw it happen.

He's like, ah, look at that. Disconvenience, man. Good on you, lady. Well, the dead body was only identified as such when a construction worker who also thought it was a decoration went to remove it and realized it was a human body. That poor bro, that poor party bro must have been so upset. Well, that's an interesting find

to have. Right. You rarely come across a dead body in your life. Yeah, I've never found one. Never, not yet. But you can't go looking for them either. I mean, yeah, that's the thing. Ben, would you prefer to find a dead body at some point in your life? No, I would say if you can go through life never finding a dead body,

whether it be your spouse or your child or your mother or father, I think that's better. The scary thing about this story is that you may have seen a dead body and you never know because you thought it was some kind of decoration or something. Yeah. I mean, swear to God, under de Blasio. Don't even get me started, Holden. Get started.

I'm getting started. Start it up. Rev those engines, Ben. You see a lot more people sleeping on the sidewalk, and occasionally when they're in a deep sleep, it is tough to tell if they are deceased or if they're just having a wonderful night's sleep. I kicked a guy's foot the other day. How'd it go?

He was like, uh. He's alive. And there was a bunch of people around. I was like, he's alive. And maybe you woke him up. Maybe there was a bunch of people around. I was like, he's alive. Yes. And maybe you woke him up. Maybe he was just about to die, and you grabbed him from God's hands. That's always how I do it. Kick the shoe.

Kick the bottom of the shoe. Right. That's sort of what the, in the great movie Charade. Do you ever see Charade with Audrey Hepburn? Oh, it's one of the best movies. Who's the guy in that? Gary something. Cooper? No guy in that? Gary something. Cooper?

No, no, not Gary Cooper. Not Gary Busey. Who is Gary Cooper? No, it's Walter. Not Walter. Cary Grant? Cary Grant. Cary Grant and maybe a Walter Math outside.

It's Bill's house. It's Jim's house. It's Frank's house. But what I'm saying is the Italians, they'll poke you with a pen and they'll put a little piece of a mirror under your nose to see if you're breathing. But Eddie Larson just kicks the foot. Lester the Molester on the chat says that his dad once found a body in the river. How'd that go for him? Mostly skeleton, he said.

Yeah, that's what you don't want to find. Anything when it's in water. Mostly skeleton. Yeah, so it's still going to have some chunks. You don't want to find a water body. Real gross. My uncle found a water body. How did he do that? He was doing body cleanup in Nam.

There was a body in a river and he went to go grab it and he said he grabbed it by the ankles and his hands just went through the calf to the bone. Because it had been sitting there for so long. When they had to clean up Jonestown they had to do it with snow shovels. Yeah, that's right.

How long were the bodies there? Oh, not very long, like a week or so. But it's in South America, you know? It's in the jungle, so they're going to decompose real fast. And in fact, they found... Did you know that Jim Jones had an orangutan? Really? That was his pet.

It was like the Jonestown mascot. What was his name? That's effective. That's effective. I think it was like Mr. Mumbles or Mr. Mumbo. I think the orangutan did end up living. Well, no. He shot it.

Jim Jones shot the orangutan right before he shot himself, and then the guys that were cleaning up all the shit in Jonestown, they put the orangutan in a body bag and sent it back to America as kind of a little goof. How funny is that? And what a funny joke it was. Humor has changed quite a bit. That was the Don Rickles era.

Mr. Mugs. That was the name of the camp campaign. Always got to name your monkey Mr. Blank. Mr. Something. I might be a little wrong on this, but I'm pretty sure that Henry and Jackie's father, Mr. Zebrowski,

when he was a New York City cop... Was a monkey? Found a dead man on a fence. Oh, okay. Dressed up in a gimp outfit right in Washington Square. I guess that's what you do there. Mm-hmm.

You tie him to a fence and you fucking stab him a bunch. So this really sucks for this gal, though. She gets away. She's like, I'm home free. And then you see a fence.

And then you're like, I just got to jump it. And she was so close. Yeah. The suspect in the case is Donnie Coconure Jr. I'm so happy his father. Yeah. His father's like, I need a legacy. He's been charged with one count of murder.

Cops say that Caden Coconure had become embroiled in an altercation late Monday or early Tuesday when he allegedly grabbed a rock as they were hanging out in the middle of a field and beat her with it. There's some backstory there. What were they doing in that field? Well, they found some additional evidence implicating him in the crime. Like what? They say he has mental health issues.

What does that mean? What does that mean? Mental health issues. Mental health issues. I am so done with the whole mental health issue scapegoat for when people commit violent acts. The vast majority of people with any mental health issues don't do anything wrong whatsoever. This guy obviously was smart enough to pick up a rock and slam it into her skull. He knew where to take her to murder her. People say I'm fucking loaded with mental health issues, and I haven't murdered anybody that anybody knows about.

I've never met a person who wasn't crazy. Yeah, I just don't like the scapegoat of it all. Well, Tabitha Long, one of the victim's friends, told local television stations that Cade suffered from learning disabilities. She confirmed that Cade was receiving public services for developmental disability issues. Oh, yeah.

She was very gullible. This is what her friend said. She was very gullible. This is what her friend said. She was very gullible, very easily misled. As long as she thought you were her friend, she would do just about anything for you. Oh, so the guy didn't have no mental health issues. He had mental health issues. She had developmental disability issues.

Well, that's just a recipe for disaster. Yeah, that is a recipe. Or a really funny road trip movie. Yeah, it could have worked out much differently. Sad. All right, well, that is a recipe. Or a really funny road trip movie. Yeah, it could have worked out much differently. Sad. All right, well, that was a good sad story to start off the podcast with. Thank you, Marcus. I also agreed to it.

Yes, it was your idea to start off with it. For Halloween. For Halloween. It's your month, guys. What do we do? This is an uplifting story about two people with mental illness, though. I remember in my high school, I can't remember the names of these guys, but there was one dude who had Down syndrome, and the other person, I don't know what he had, but he was

also fucked up, right? And they had to go to special classes. They were always separate from everybody. Sometimes the one guy, he rode my bus. He'd get crazy. I think I told this story before. He threw a toolbox at a chick one time while we were on the bus, and he held up the bus. Did you go to the School of the Arts?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because of the disability program? I don't know why they let me. Why did he have a toolbox with him? He found a toolbox on the bus and he held up the bus. Did you go to the school of the arts? Yeah. The disability program? I don't know why they let me in. Why did he have a toolbox with him? He found a toolbox on the bus and he threw it at this chick's face. He's amazing in ballet. I had huge trouble for him. This kid, he threw the thing and my brother deflected it.

But the other guy, one of his name was Tony, the other guy, I can't remember his name, but they were always, you know, everybody knew about them and shit and they were always doing their own thing. One day, we were walking by an empty classroom. The two of these guys were making out, going at it hard. Oh, wow. And that's a beautiful story.

Wow, that's an interesting turn of events. Yeah, it was beautiful. Everyone was like, oh, all right. What can you do? I guess you can't stop them. I bet you they're still together. Well, are they? I don't know.

You didn't keep in touch? Give them a call. If you are, can you do that? Can you just make out with each other there? If one has Down Syndrome and the other also has a mental disability in the school, I guess they can just go after each other, huh?

It's best you let them finish. I know that. Oh, nobody bothered him. Yeah, what are you going to do? We opened the door and then we closed it. We accidentally walked in and closed the door and then we closed it. We accidentally walked in. Oh, shit. We closed the door and let him finish whatever was happening. Absolutely.

Very polite. Yeah. Sorry, I had to throw cakes at him and stuff. Well, Eddie, that's not appropriate. I want to eat that cake, Eddie. Don't throw it at the special needs kids making out. All about throwing the tools. A developmentally disabled person threw a saw at my brother once in high school.

A saw? Threw a saw at him. I mean, they were in shop class. They let him in. They let him in. He likes that. I do wonder if the shop class is still around. Eddie, did you have shop class?

Yeah, but I just went there to smoke doobies. How did you smoke doobies in there? Because they have air vents. That's a good point. And you turn on the air vent, you blow it up in the air vent. See? What they're doing in shop class? That's it! Getting stoned and playing with sauce!

Yeah, Lester the Molester. He got high in shop class too. I had no idea this was a thing. That's what's going down! We used to smoke in the darkroom at the photography class as well. Yeah, I used to eat girls out in photography class. You used to eat in the dark room at the photography class as well. Yeah, I used to eat girls out in photography class.

You used to eat girls out? Yeah, all their big pussies. Their big pussies? Yeah. They were large. Tiny girls, giant pussies. I don't know what it is. I'm going to kill myself. Good, man.

How many times? 14-pound pussy on this one. Yeah, I always called it going to spaghetti town. Girls hated what I called it then. But you called it going to spaghetti town Girls hated When I called it that But you called it that afterwards right Yeah yeah Bonking bowsers too

Yeah This is all very upsetting Taco Bell is going to fire you man You come out here and talk about spaghetti town You couldn't say I called it going South of the border They're going to fuck you up, man. You're out.

Extra fire sauce. I wish I could be a horny kid again. Alright. Everyone has to stop talking. That's what I always say. There was like a full three seconds of total silence. That was amazing. He's a horny adult.

And now he's working for Taco Bell. Oh my god. Alright, so she's there. Happy Halloween, everybody. And I hope everyone has a good time. Leave her up, that's what I say. Let the crows finish her up. Alright, who knows.

Yeah, it could be a fun little town's tradition if you did that. Every year they put up a girl and let the crows go to town. And what a town needs is tradition. I've always said that. If you make me mayor, you're getting about 50 traditions. What's one of them? Well, besides stringing up the girl and having the crows eat her.

You could be a guy, too. You got to wear shoes on your hands once a month. Corporate. You sold out, Holden. First hands once a month. Corporate. You sold out, Holden. First week of the month, second week. Third week. For the whole week. That's it.

All right, Marcus, let's do another news story. A man who had his face and eyeballs tattooed to look like his pet parrots has gone a step further by cutting off his ears. How do parrots hear so well? I don't know what you're talking about. Eddie, why would you ask such a hard question? Parrots ain't got ears. How can they be able to mimic everybody? Kevin.

Kat, hold on, Kat. I thought you had a riddle for us. No, I'm fucking asking questions. He's asking a legitimate question, Marcus. He's asking. This is always what happens with that. He asks so many questions. How do parrots hear so well for the 19th week in a row, Ed?

We don't know. Well, they don't have to deal with lobes and shit, man. It's just the hole that gets straight to the point. Yeah, this guy can still hear without his ears. Yeah, I guess you don't need the ear to hear, but you want the ear. What does the whole ear do, actually? Oh, man. I know the answer.

It's like a satellite dish, right? It's kind of coned out, so it kind of receives it. But don't you miss stuff from the back? Because these big ears that we have on our sides. What if we had the no ear, and then you can hear all around? Well, chop your ears off. I don't know. This guy already did it.

I think it also protects you from infection. Ah, yes. You know those things that they have at the football games? Those little half bowls with the microphone in the middle so they can hear the quarterback go hike. It's usually like that. I don't even know what that means. I'm really inspired by his commitment

to his parrot. I will never care about anything that much. He also has stars on his head too, so I don't know how big his commitment is. He's got a whole what's the name of the guy who does all the island music? Jimmy commitment is. He's got a whole like what's the name of the guy who does all the island music? Jimmy Buffett. He's got a whole Jimmy Buffett

themed face. He's a real parrot head. Exactly. He's a real parrot head. He actually looks nothing like a parrot at all. He's also got horns coming out of his head. Those are seashells Eddie. He put seashells. Did you see that? He's got seashells inside his head but he's also got horns coming out of his head. Those are seashells, Eddie. He put seashells. Did you see that?

He's got seashells inside his head, but he's also got horns coming out of his head. Oh, right, right. He's a little confused as to what a parrot is. Yep, Ted Richards, 56, is obsessed by pets Ellie, Tika, Timnade, Jake, and Boobie and has his face tattooed with colorful feathers, but the animal lover who has 110 tattoos,

50 piercings, and a split tongue has now had both his ears removed by a surgeon in a six hour operation. Isn't this against the code for a surgeon? I mean, what benefit would this possibly give to a person, removing their ears?

But if you're a doctor, somebody walks into your office and is like I want to remove my ears, and you're like, why? He's like, to look like a parrot. Don't you say no? Well, Mark Pacifico, a consultant plastic surgeon and member of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, slammed the surgery. There we go. He said, you can't be doing this.

You shouldn't be doing this. Plastic surgeons are the worst people on the planet, though. Why? Plastic surgeons also help people who have been in horrible accidents. Eddie, if you had to do one plastic surgery option, the one thing on your body, what would you have done? Me? Yeah.

I'm fine. I'm good, baby. Holden, what would you do? What would you change? Ooh. Four toes is all you need. Four toes total or each foot? Four toes total, sir.

It's devil horn toes on each foot. That's a good idea. It's all you need. You're balanced. You're good. Just get rid of the toes. Yeah. I hate it.

Yeah. And then I get a pedicure once a year and I'm good. You are just like the ear guy. Cool. Yeah. Kevin, what would you do? Calves. You want more calves.

Yeah, but I'm not going to actually like. I did watch a documentary thing. I think it was one of my MTV. It was on MTV. The guy with the small calves. And the guy who got new calves. And, like, nobody gave a shit. Right.

But he was so excited. He was like, this is going to change the game. Calves for Kevin. Yeah. Calves for Kevin. All right. I think you could get at least $300 in a GoFundMe. We got arms for cat.

Calves for Kevin. Let's get a GoFundMe happening here. Devil horn toes. Devil horn toes. Which is really the only one I want to see happen. Because that'll make your life worse. That's all you need. You can pay me to keep being me. Yeah. Right, Ed. Devil horned toad, which is really the only one I want to see happen, because that'll make your life worse. It's all you need.

You can pay me to keep being me. Yeah, right, Ed. You got a laundry list of things we could do to you. I know, but I like my big fat body. Yeah. Well, a lot of people do it, and you're very beautiful in your own way. Let me ask you this, though. How do you feel about when you get your beard shaved off? I don't care.

You don't care? I thought you didn't like it. I mean, I don't shave, because I'm lazy. Oh't care? I thought you didn't like it. I mean, I don't shave because I'm lazy. Oh, okay. I thought you didn't like the way your chin is. Eddie's a good beard guy. I do have a shitty chin. Yeah, you have a shitty chin.

Is that chin fixed, Ed? But I like, no. It's fine. I just cover it up. Fix that chin. No, what are you going to do? Make it bigger? Kevin, what do you think about Ed's chin?

It's weird, man. Yeah. I've seen it. Yeah, when it's shaved. It's a goofy little chin. Yeah, it's alarming. Alarming? It really is. When you see Ed without it. My chin is an innie. I've seen it when it shaves it's a goofy little chin yeah it's alarming alarming it really is

when you see Ed my chin is an innie I'm trying really hard to be able to you can't you'll never be able to picture it you have to see it

without the beard I will be shaving you in your sleep hey alright Eddie you have cats sleeping over tonight there you go that's exciting

I just remember thinking when you did it I just saw it and I was like I mean I didn't say nothing to you but I was like oh man why'd he do that shit? Yeah, man, keep him covered.

You got to hide behind that mask, dude. I love it. Well, you're a beautiful man, Ed, and all of us are going to get our surgeries at some point, but there is a high risk of death. I guess not with the ears, though. So the guy did choose one of the safest cosmetic surgeries there is. did choose one of the safest cosmetic surgeries there is. Well, the eccentric Mr. Richards has given his severed ears to a friend who, quote, will appreciate them and is now planning to find a surgeon prepared to turn his nose into a beak.

Whoa! Now this gets more and more intense. He said, quote, I think it looks really great. I love it. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But it's just like, where is this guy working? Like, how is he getting all this money? Like, it's just like...

That's how somebody buys them. Parrot jungle. Aviary, yeah. Right, aviary or atrium? Aviary. Marcus, is there a condition for something like this? Body dysmorphic? No, body dysmorphia, but, you know, even more so

because he falls in love with parrots, which are obviously not human species. But what is that when you become so obsessed with an animal because he falls in love with parrots, which are obviously not human species. But what is that when you want... When you become so obsessed with an animal that you begin to want to emulate the animal personally. Or anything. Or, you know, people do it with video game characters. Justin Bieber, wasn't there someone...

Yeah, there was a dude who wanted to be Justin Bieber. What is that? Is that just a search for identity? I guess it's sort of an identity crisis, right? You can't be yourself so hard because you're such an annoying piece of garbage. I'm surprised I don't have this disease. Yeah, you should want to be someone else. Yeah, like a shark.

Yeah, I guess anything. You should slowly transform into the Taco Bell Chihuahua. I feel like I am slowly transforming into Ed. You are. Well, slowly. Are you kidding me? Ed looks good fat. You look terrible. You're going to lose weight, Holden. I feel like I am slowly transforming into Ed. You are. Well, slowly. Are you kidding me? Ed looks good fat. You look terrible.

You're going to lose weight, Holden. I think Ed really understands his brand. Oh, absolutely. He's the everyman. I'm so damaged because you're wearing a glove right now, like one glove. That is why I'm bad fat, because I'm not fully fat, right?

Right. And that's what's bad. You don't really have a defined brand. Right. It's not defined. I either need to be fat or skinny. Kevin's black. Kat's anorexic. It's not defined. I either need to be fat or skinny. Kevin's black. Kat's anorexic.

Ed's fat. Marcus does radio. He's wiry. He's wiry. Hold it. I have to say, I'm actually in your group on this. I'm not skinny, but I'm not fat. I'm just kind of like middle. Your brand is like your feelings.

You're tall. I have feelings. And tall. And you have the tall brand. Tall of like middle. Your brand is like your feelings. You're tall. Oh, I have feelings. And tall. And you have the tall brand. Tall guy with feelings. Yeah? Tall guy with feelings. Ooh, Mitch Lassie on the chat said, Ed is very good looking. Wow.

Kevin, do you identify with this guy as Bird Luger? Do I identify as Bird Luger? No, I mean like, you know, do you sympathize for the parrot man? Oh, for turning into a parrot? Do you think he's crazy? Listen, Bird Luger is about a lifestyle, man. It's about fucking being in jacuzzis, man,

surrounding yourself with dime-piece strippers, eating steaks and eggs Benedict, man. I ain't cutting off my fucking ears. But you did just have a Haitian brunch. I did have a Haitian brunch. It was a mistake because my best one, get ready in time. That's the punishment. If she doesn't get ready in time that's the punishment if she doesn't get ready in time he's taking her haitian she took him this guy mr richards todd richards uh he is a retired

shoe factory worker uh he got his first tattoo in 1976 retired or forced out of an industry that doesn't exist anymore what was it uh he has since built up a collection covering almost his entire body since 1976. He also has a peace sign branded on his left shoulder with a 750 degree centigrade hot iron and two magnets implanted in his hands. Can we say this, though? When this guy comes and claims discrimination because people are like,

you don't have any ears and you look like a parrot, we can't hire you. We can call that bullshit, right? Yeah. Because this is man made. He has brought everything upon himself. I don't know. I feel like the guy, wherever he goes, if he walks into a bar, you know what he gets? Free margaritas. That's what

you do. If you look like a parrot, you get a free margarita. Eddie, let's open up the bar. Holden could be our spokesperson. I don't want this guy coming to my bar. I wonder if he repeats what everybody says. I refuse business. Oh, that's a good question. What?

The most annoying friend you have? The most annoying friend you have? Yeah. Oh, my God. I love that. Oh, my God. I love that. I don't know.

He's got a... Oh, God damn it. Parent friend. Parent friend. It's the worst. I hate parent friend. I hate parent friend. Never bring him around. Yeah.

Well, to make fun of him. Yeah. I mean, yeah. But there is also something very confident about this decision. Oh, yeah. He is completely 100% all in. Oh, he's even got lines. He said he went to the supermarket the other day, and when he went in, he said,

Blimey, it's so windy out there, it blew my ears off. And everybody laughed. Awkwardly laughed. He probably thought of that joke first, and then that's why he decided to cut his ears off. You think the joke came first, and he's like, I better change it in order to sell the bit? You really cannot put a price on having nothing to live for. That's a good point. I guess he's got something now.

You know, this is actually, this used to be a kind of physical punishment in England. They called it cropping. Oh, that makes sense. Getting your ears cropped like a dog. Yeah. And what was the, if you stole or something like that? I mean, I think it was pretty broad as far as what they would use the punishment for when they felt

like it. If you heard the king lie. Oh, you get him off. I actually like that. We'd all lose our ears if we had the same practices here. Good God. And this guy, he knows who he is. He said, I love the fact that I'm unique and I've always wanted to be different. Of course he did.

I mean, he's just completely, I mean, he knows who he is. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So I'm not shitting on this guy for wanting to be unique or special or anything like that but it is just fuck him yeah at the same time you know

because he does that and then people just got to deal with it they got this fucking dude walking around with no ears and they got to explain to their kid this guy just got

he wanted to be a bird so that's what he's doing because a four year old is going to be like can I do that and be like no you cannot I wanted to be a dog when I was a child i'm really glad nobody let me do it well if you were what would you do to be a dog i guess you get the tail implant i wanted well i made my dad

put my hair in pigtails and then i like they i wanted to eat off the floor because they were they because dogs got to like be naked and pee wherever they wanted is what i said and you said recently you just said earlier you wanted a master. Oh my God. It's all coming together. This is going deeper than I expected it to. And that's from Taco Bell's new spokesperson,

Holden McNeely. And that's from Taco Bell's new spokesperson, Holden McNeely. You just got parroted, Ben. I hate it so much. I'm the parrot man. Oh no,

this could not lead to another character. Oh, stop it. I'm leaving. Goodbye. Oh, you have to go? No, Holden just, yeah, Holden ruined my life. Okay, goodbye, Eddie. Bye, character. Oh, stop it. I'm leaving. Goodbye. Oh, you have to go? Yeah, Holden ruined my life. Okay, goodbye, Eddie.

Bye, Ed. Bye, Ed. See, my life was already ruined when I got here. Yeah, extra ruined. Double ruined. All right, Marcus, what do we got? You want to do a segment, fuckers? Thank you, Ed.

Should we just go to a segment, or what do you think? Let's do one more story, and then we'll go to the segment. Let's do a local story, and then we'll go to a segment or what do you think? Let's do one more story and then we'll go to the segment. Let's do a local story and then we'll go to the segment. A pet kangaroo named Buster caused a brief stir on Saturday morning when it got loose in a New York City neighborhood. Oh, what neighborhood? Staten Island. Yeah, that's not New York City.

It's not. There's a Kissel Road in Staten Island. Really? Yeah, so go and steal that sign and send it to me Or just hang it on your wall and be my number one fan Who's Ben Kissel's number one fan? I want to know We should have a contest Who is it?

I can't tell you He doesn't know if he has any No, that's a cat, don't My dad's a big fan of him My dad's a big fan of him too What? That was awesome Rowan on the chat says They My dad's a big fan of you, man. My dad's a big fan of him, too. What? Oh, awesome. Rowan on the chat says they say they're a big Ben Kissel fan.

A big Ben Kissel fan. I'm not talking. It's not the biggest, though. Well, I am. I am. Show your allegiance. The Ben Kissel fan contest. We're doing it this week.

Who's the biggest Ben Kissel fan? You got to show your allegiance, and we will pick the biggest fan in the next week's segment. Analingus Dingus said number five fan, which is up there. I like that honesty. Yeah. I don't like it. I'm just going to Analingus Dingus, step up your game. No, number five.

I mean, there's only four other people that like you more than Analingus Dingus, and thousands of people know who you are. The other ones are dads. Oh, yeah. That's great. If you're a dad that loves Big Kissel, paint his face on your garage door. Although you biggest Big Kissel fan, if you do it.

Well, that sounds exciting. Captain Thunder Tits said that she wants to see her tits in the mail. Picture of her tits in the mail. In the mail? Email. Oh, yeah, I've looked at it. I've done so much. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I don't even know. In the mail envelope, and Oh, yeah. I've looked at it. I've done so... She cut her boobs and she mailed it to you. Yeah, exactly.

I was like, I don't even know. You got it in a mail envelope, and it was just a big picture. I turned it down from UPS. The box was bleeding, and the guy was like, you gotta take this from me. I think they were haunted or something.

But, you know, no, I get a lot of pictures, and I really appreciate that. I don't understand that shit, man. It's very upsetting. Never once has someone sent me this in an email. Really? Not once. I check my email every day.

I got a letter mailed to me one time and all it said was do you do butt stuff? Let's just go right to the segment. Yeah, let's go to a segment from Holden McNeil.

It's a haunted month. So you have to be haunted by a ghost. You get to choose who it is. It could be someone famous. It could be someone we know. It could be someone dead. It could be someone alive.

We'll kill them for you and put their ghost in your house. Okay? So I'll go first. And I'm not making a lick of this up on the spot. I thought of this earlier, and I'm definitely thinking of it right now. Okay? I would like to be haunted by John Travolta. Very good.

I would like to be haunted by John Travolta. I think we're already all haunted by John Travolta. I think we're already all haunted by John Travolta. I would like, you know, because I think he's fun. I think he'd be fun to dance with, to learn his steps. He's creepy. He seems like the kind of person that makes me feel like he's haunted. Well, this is why he haunts. Well, also you have to realize this.

Anyone who's haunting me is going to be more tortured as a ghost by living with me day to day. No, he's going to make you call him Uncle Johnny. Ooh. Holden will like it. Yeah, Uncle Johnny or Cousin Nipples. Which is my pet name for him. You guys sound perfect for each other. That's the thing, right?

I'll learn more about Scientology, which has always been a curiosity of mine. I'm a second away from joining. And yeah, I also want to learn how to fly a plane. All right. Teach me how to do that. Yeah. Boom. I mean, I also want to learn how to fly a plane. All right. Boom. I mean, I guess I probably want to be haunted by Bruce Willis.

He would just kind of fucking hang out, tell cool stories, and be all dope and bald and shit. And then, you know, there was that movie, Sixth Sense, where he didn't know he was a ghost, so he's just hanging out. He's not going to do nothing to bother me. He'll just provide for me, show me cool shit. Yeah. That's what's kind of great, is it's sort of ironic, you know, that he was a ghost in so he's just hanging out. You're not going to do nothing to bother me. You just provide for me. Show me cool shit. That's what's kind of great is it's sort of ironic that he was a ghost in a movie

and now he's there. They canceled the show. I got to text them back. Hold on. Everyone fork on it. Cat, shut up. I love you, Cat. Never mind. You never shut up. You'll always be you. Ed left because he had his first stand-up gig in about five years. Yeah, and then the show got canceled.

And then the show got canceled. So Ed's back. Okay, so we're all caught up. It's in the cards. Just don't pursue it. I know. It's just so crazy. It was the perfect recipe for me.

The guy hits me up and says, you want to do stand-up? I'm like, I don't have materials. He's like, it's an improv stand-up. I was like, great. What were you going to open with? They put pictures up and you riff on it. It was really a pain in the ass. I'm going to vent for a second. This guy was a piece of shit.

Who was it? Forrest's name. Where does he live? Forrest. I know Forrest. Yeah, this guy was a fucking pain in the ass. He's like, send me your picture. Send me a bio on you. I was like, a bio? What the fuck do you need a bio for? Just say my name. He found my headshot

for 20 years ago and he's like, we put it on and he's like, I need you to download this app. And I was like, what? Just like, are you kidding me? What's happening? And then he cancelled on me. Well, there you go. I'm not doing it. I quit stand-up. There you go. You should. You should. Good job, Eddie. It's been a podcast

of careers. It's a television show for Kevin, commercial for Holden. Ding dong. Eddie has quit stand-up. I quit. He's done. I'm done with it.

Ben Kissel. Hooster Coast. Papa John's. Papa's in the house. Hey. Hey. Why not? You always have a fresh pizza in the oven every time you come home or every time you

wake up. Well, I can still eat it, and I'll eat it when I'm drunk, and he'll give me like- Actually, that's better. You won't gain weight from the pizza. It'll be ghost pizza. I've been dreaming about eating food, and I'm actually waking up full. Huh. So that's kind of interesting.

I think you're just eating when you're blackout drunk. That's what I call dreaming. So Papa John's. Haunted by John Schnatter Papa John's Papa's in the house Alright Papa's in the house Kat

Look I'm having a hard time deciding You gotta stay on brand Well I'm thinking It isn't a sandwich You just order it Either Pope John Paul II or Elf Like which one do you want Like Elf

At least he speaks English No the thing is Elf My Netflix broke And all I had was season one of Elf on DVD the whole season. Watched it all today and now in an ironic twist, all I want is more Elf. You know what? We all know what Elf likes to eat. What?

Cats. Which is why I'm having a conflict because I am named Cat and I have a cat, but at the same time, he's so hateable he crash I'm gonna everyone hates me after this he crashes the spaceship and he ruins the house

but they still want him around I do a lot of bad stuff to people I'm very obnoxious and then they don't want me around so he's obnoxious maybe he could influence me into like being like

a little more lovable and be your master yeah I didn't listen to whatever that puppet said because he seems to be crushing it the pope

the pope but Pope John Paul I'm Polish and there's like three Polish people that have ever done anything in significance so I have a Polish I do have a papal flag in my house Marcus sub-decision

sub-decision well you have to make the overall decision of who wins but right now you have to make the sub-decision of which one Kat's going with Alf or the Pope Pope John Paul II oh Pope John

okay I was gonna yeah it has to be Pope John Paul II. Who are you going to get haunted by? I'm going to split the difference and say that you're going to get haunted by the puppeteer that was in charge of Alf. I do not want that. No, I don't want that. I was hoping you were going to say Pope Alf.

He was a staunch Catholic. Can't we have a Pope here? Alf for Pope. Pope Elf. Oh, yeah. And I would love to vote Elf for Pope. Puppeteers are always a very emphatic no from me. Puppeteers are very upsetting.

Oh, yeah. My roommates won. Yes. For serious. Ed Larson, you left. I left. You came back. Came back.

How was the show? I started a new career and ended it. Immediately. Okay, I have to, before we move on, Ed, I have to point out that Alf was once the guest host of The Tonight Show. His guest, Pope John Paul II. Whoa! I feel like I have like-

Put the picture up! Put the picture up! Oh my God. Oh my God. I feel like I have like Put the picture up Put the picture up Oh my god Oh my god I feel like I have like An internal like Power of things That is

So unbelievably Humanizing For Pope John Francis He is a Pope Pope John Paul Pope John Paul I'm sorry yeah

The second Pope John Paul yeah Thank you Ed Oh man they're like Alright you're going to America You're gonna enlighten Everyone's life But you gotta

Go on TV with a puppet. Okay. And he went down. There were other people on the couch. He wasn't the top guest. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. Is it fake?

Okay. It happened on an episode of ALF. Oh. It wasn't actual. I mean, still pretty good. Still pretty insane. Insane, yeah. Those are the two loves of my life.

It's insane. Those are the two loves of my life. It's insane. It was, the Pope was portrayed by Eugene Greytak, and he was a guest on The Tonight Show when Alf was the guest host. So, Alf was the guest host on The Tonight Show, but he was joined by a man playing the Pope. Okay, well, still kind of there, though. Edward Jennifer Larson. I love you, Alf and Pope. You cannot top what just happened. Yes.

But you must come up. You know what, Eddie? Why don't you just do your set that you were going to do? It's improv. My balls are so big. Oh, man. How big are they? Man, it fucking choked your mom to death.

Jesus. I know. I should have stayed. I'm going to say, in honor of the death of my stand up career I want the most beloved stand up to be I want Bill Burr to be my ghost I want Bill Burr to be my ghost

he would have to die that's what it is I'm killing stand up oh I see I'm killing it it's over the whole art form is done it ends with me and I'm doing it firsthand. I'm taking Bill Burr with me and he's going down. He's the most

beloved stand-up, right? Oh, and he just crushes. Yeah, he's amazing. I'm taking him and killing him. Putting a bullet in his head. Well, alright. Very good. Marcus, what are we going like here? Like I said, no plans. But what would a stand-up comedian ghost? I mean, that would be actually quite a horrifying haunting constantly with the bits.

I mean, I assume you're thinking Bill Burr. Bill Burr would be a great ghost. No, but Bill Burr on, like constantly on. Oh, he's fine. He's always good. Yeah, he's not even the on type. He just kind of gets up there and complains the whole time. Yeah, that's true.

Very good. Yeah, it's not like I picked Richard Jenney. It sounds like you already have it with your mother. Oh, yeah, man. Lord, we had a rough weekend. How was it? Not good. She's upset all the time. I don't know what to do. My mom's dead. I don't know what to do either.

Well, his mom is worse than that. She's still alive. I'd be haunted by FDR. It's not bad. Are you going to elect yourself as winner? Quite possibly. Do you know at his funeral, his wife didn't cry?

Who watches the Watchmen? Maybe she was nervous. Yeah, exactly. You don't have to cry at every funeral. I think she was gay. She was definitely gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were buddies.

They were good. She still didn't give a fuck. She cared. She gave a tiny amount. Of course they were both gay. He used to do fireside chats. I mean, there's nothing gayer than a fireside chat.

I always laugh at funerals. Holden, you want to quit stand-up today? Yeah, sure. I already quit fucking five years ago, bro. So waste everyone's time. You quit stand-up today?

Oh, you bet your ass I will. All right, I got a crew. I hate stand-up. All right, Ben, here's your chance. I have to, I'm trying to start will. Alright, I got a crew. I hate stand-up. Alright, Kat. Ben, here's your chance. I have to.

I'm trying to start it. No, I crush every time I perform and I perform regularly. No, I'm an amazing, dare I say, the most underrated stand-up comedian, and Kevin, you'll vouch for this, in the entire world. I am, yeah. He's underrated because he's just never been rated. That's kind of a bit

offensive. Alright, so who do you got, Marcus? I win. Yeah! FDR, man! You can't vote for yourself. You can do whatever you want. There's no rules.

I went to FDR's house. They had a special... He used to lift himself in an elevator made for himself. He was so strong and cool. He used to literally, he'd go in the, it was an all-wooden elevator. He'd go in it with his crazy old wheelchair, and he'd pull a rope and lift himself up to the second floor. Strong upper body strength. Yeah, he'd sit there and tell me that my problems are insignificant, and he'd put things into perspective, but still give me advice. Yep.

He is the police officer friend from Family Guy. That is FDR. Just all upper top, all upper shelf. Obviously, the legs were a little bit weaker. He used to, whenever he gave speeches, because he didn't want the American public to know he was a cripple, back in the day, there was barely any television. That's why he always had his hand behind his back, because he was balancing himself on a cane. People talk about transparency.

It used to be so much easier to just trick people. He taught people. People thought that he could walk yeah he tricked everyone yeah for two uh what are they called terms terms yeah three three and then they said no more yeah how many times have you been on abraham lincoln's top ad ed we talk about prison stuff yeah i've been on like what four or five times no you're always the best you're the best. You haven't had me in a while.

Well, come back. You have to come back. Come back next week. I'll be there. No. I don't know. All right. So that's Eddie and Holden and Kevin.

Follow everybody on Twitter at Eddie Toons underscore Murder Fist. Follow Murder Fist. Catcher 6945. My PlayStation Network tag. What's the 45? We already asked that. You asked that last week. Is that a record?

What is it? When I'm putting numbers in, I'm putting numbers in, baby. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. What about 6969? I don't know. I think it was taken.

I'm sure it was. It's always taken. It's the first one gone. Especially Catcher. Yeah. Yeah, because it's just catching the goo. Catching the goo.

Yeah. All right, Kevin Barnett. 10-26. Comeing the goo. Yeah. All right, Kevin Barnett. 1026, come see the 666th annual Lord Satan Festival with the Cowmen, Reformed Horrors, Murder Fist, and the Undone Sweaters at Mercury Lounge. Awesome. Fatboy Barnett, that's Kevin Barnett's Twitter there. Catherine Timp, you can find her at Cat Timp.

I'm at Ben Kissel. Marcus Parks is at Marcus Parks. I guess, well, we got the live show for our last podcast on the 24th. November 8th, the CCR Sausage Fest is going to happen. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, and so we're doing that, and the cowmen are probably going to close, I think, right, guys? Probably going to do some shit. Yeah, probably going to do it.

We have not been formally asked, but we will decide. I mentioned it at practice one night. November 8th, come on down. Kevin, I at practice one night. November 8th. Everyone sit. Come on down. Kevin, I hope you're around. If you're not, it's okay. That's right.

And Marcus is officially off e-cigarettes now for a week. He's out with the gum now. Yeah, I'm off everyone. Do you have any extras of anything for me? Absolutely not. Oh, come on. Give her something, Marcus. Give her something.

I'm so tired of everyone telling me no. I gave all my stuff to Jackie. But yeah, no, no. It's been a misery-filled week. The first two, three days were fine, but the last four days were okay. Smoked some weed yesterday, though. How was that? That was fun.

It was fun. It was good. Everything's great in moderation. Yeah, in moderation. I only had a couple of hits at like 2 p.m. yesterday, and it sailed me through the rest of the day. And your annoyance level right now. I saw throughout the entire episode you were quite annoyed.

Right now? Seven and a half. Very good. All right. Punch my face. That's perfect. All right. We'll talk to everybody soon.

Goodbye. Good night. Let's go smoke some weed. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.