The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 264: Tiny Chunk

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

Today on Round Table: tragedy strikes again as yet another man dies from a pressurized air tube sprayed into his rectum, a Russian elementary school angers parents by including a child with Down's Syndrome in its yearbook, and Jackie gets a new nickname. Joining us today: Greg Stone!

Hey, what's going on you fuckers? We're doing the Sausage Fest again this year, November 8th, starting at 5pm. You're gonna get food, and at 7pm you can come see all your favorite cave comedy radio shows live for 20 minutes each. Come and get some piggy and put it in your head hole, you fuckers! The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what?

Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. What? What does that topic smell like?

They don't screw in there. They don't screw in there. Who's praying today? I think you are. You're praying today. I did it last week. It's your turn. It's your turn.

Oh, all right. Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for... Jesus! Yeah. Thank you. Holden. Got a Taco Bell commercial.

Oh, my God! Smell the bell! You got to. But then I just learned it was... Cross the border. Put a wall up. Holden McGillis, is that from Taco Bell? His commercial is for the web.

Okay? So nobody mentioned that last week. Eight-week cycle, baby. Thank you, God, for making Holden get a little bit of success, but then also not. Tiny chunk. Perfect. Chipping away like a little woodchuck. That's me.

I'm a little career woodchuck. Is that it, Marcus? You're hungover. Yes. And God, cure Marcus's hangover right now. Thank you. Did it work? Absolutely.

It's almost like it's not real. God, that is. All right, everyone. Well, welcome to the round table of... Amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Hello. Hey.

It's a hungover podcast. I'm just getting the vibe that everyone's a little bit hungover. I'm hungover and re-drunk. Perfect, Eddie. I love that about you. Re-hydrated. Yeah? I'm about to jump on the drunk train. Get on it, Greg.

Greg Stone is sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Stone Zone. Stone Zone. To all our lost boys. That's right. To all our lost boys. This whole podcast, we will be in the Stone Zone. Jackie Zebrowski, you're here.

Yeah, I'm in the Stone Zone. Man, you know, panties twisting, tiny chunk of a woman. When Holden said tiny chunk, I actually alerted my people, like, yes, that's it. That's all I've got. What are you talking about? That's my nickname. You're tiny chunk? Yeah.

Tiny chunk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, tiny chunk. Like a chunk from the Goonies that a child named tiny chunk. No, no, it's nothing to do with the Goonies. It means I'm fat, and I'm like a chunk of a person. She's tiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very pretty.

She's like a big old, like if a giant hawked off some leg meat, it'd be Jackie. Yeah, you can call me, yeah, you can call me a crude nug. When you walk into a room, you go, oh man, it smells like gunk. Must be tiny chunk. I don't smell like gunk. I smell like gack. You smell like gunk. Gunk't smell like gunk. I smell like gack. You smell like gunk.

I love gack. And you sound like it too if you squish it, Jackie. Thank you. I got spit all over myself. I got spit all over my dress. You got some greasy spit. Alright, Eddie, you're here. Chubby farts in the house. Tiny Chug, Chubby Farts.

Tiny Chug, Chubby Farts. VH1 has to do a behind-the-scenes very soon on Chubby Farts. It's going to be big. All right. Thanks for being here, Chubby Farts. How have the farts been? Man, they've been hipping and they've been hopping, dude. I'm ready to fucking start my world-rapping tour.

Man, you got like a froggy ass today. Oh, my God. been hipping and they've been hopping dude i'm ready to fucking start my world rapping tour man you got like a froggy ass today oh my god i got the froggy ass because it's got the rivets whispers in the night that's right it's halloween hellraiser 09 is a fucking asshole also these are Holden's PlayStation Network

shoutouts for those of you who are new I only got one this week so they're dwindling dwindling somebody asked how to get a shoutout

on the Facebook page you can't do that you gotta hit me up you have to buy a PlayStation 4 you have to message me at catcher6945 and I have to type it at catcher6945.

And I have to type it into my phone while I'm really stoned about to play some fucking Battle Gear. And then I'll fucking shout it out that next Sunday. Shoutouts also Norma Smash actually played somebody in Mortal Kombat. Oh, did you win? I won the first, and then I think he was letting me win because I was about

to win the second. He was Jason Voorhees. I was Sub-Zero. And I was about to win the second. He was Jason Voorhees. I was sub-zero and I just kind of stopped and he sort of stopped. I was like, interesting. But shout outs nonetheless. Wow. He likes you so much he let you win.

I don't know. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I was like, Jason Voorhees, come on, rip it open. Last night there were two Holdenators here. They said they were going to come today, but then they no-showed. Ooh, must have been molested. They must have been

molested. Ed, you have to stop molesting people. I only molest people over 30. Good for you. That's a good... Over 30 is good. You got the hate. Hold it. You got the hate to take it.

You've been through enough. Man, I'm begging to be molested over 30. We know. We know. Please, man. All right, Jackie. Keep it in your pants. I got two more years, and then, man, molest, molest, molest me. I don't know if that's appropriate.

You work at a stock job at Sears, just get fondled in the back. How would you admit to that? I'll do it. You have to say molested in Italian accent. It sounds like a pizza. You molested. That reminds me of that little-known canceled 70s game show, Guess the Molest, where you had to decide who of the three boys was molested.

Oh my god, can we please make that game again? We'd have to use adult style. They used children back then because they had different laws. They only let it run for half of an episode. Decided it was bad pretty immediately. CBS.

You'd be known right away. Your hands are so big to be like oh yeah that hand took up my entire child breast you know that's one of the benefits of being big i can't molest very fast just take yeah uh julia johns you're here hello what are you doing you live slenderman bigfoot. That's you. You haven't been paying attention, huh? Yes, I have. I picked up my phone for two seconds.

What's happening? Ask me anything. Holden was doing his shout outs. All right, you failed. Holden. Yeah, he failed. Anyway, I was getting a couple of tweets. Someone told me to punch you repeatedly in your face and tell you to get a Twitter. Why aren't you on Twitter?

Okay, I'll get a Twitter next week. Why don't you just do it? You can just do it tonight. You can do it right now't you on Twitter? Okay. I'll get a Twitter next week. You can just do it tonight. It'll be next week. I'll get it next Sunday. I'm going to be JuliaJohn69. No, that's not your name. So it's going to be tougher. JuliaJohn69 on... Let's see. What is the date

today? It's the 25th. It's November 1st. What is seven days from now? November 1st. November 1st. It's the 25th, so what is seven days from now? November 1st. November 1st. Halloween's next Saturday. Okay, November 1st I will be Julia Johns. All Saints Day. 69. All Saints Day. I thought it was Day of the Dead.

No, it's the 5th. Mexicans. The 2nd is All Souls Day. Cinco de Mayo? That's the 5th. That's May the 5th. Day of the Dead. My parents were married on November 2nd. We all know how that went. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The wedding of the dead there. Not good. Well, anyway, get on Twitter, Holden. People want you. All right, will do. I'll get on there. I'll start tweeting some thoughts and some definite reactions to what's going on out there in the real world.

Shut it down. Never mind. Don't get on Twitter. Hold the real world. Shut it down. Never mind. Don't get on Twitter. Hold it. Give me a hot take. Donald Trump, he's a molester. He molested 20 boys. I feel like people should drink every time we say the word molest on this episode.

Is that the secret word of today? I feel like we didn't give Greg the proper introduction. I'm not even done yet, though. Are you not? I thought you were ready to go to a story. It seemed like you were moving in the story zone. No, I was still in the stone zone. The stone zone!

Yeah, baby! Come on! Come on! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!! No! I love Daddy knows I did not like that eye contact Right in your eyebrows Greg Stone Daddy knows I love that Holden for Holden That's my Twitter name There you go Holden for Holden

Holden for Holden Holden for Holden Is that going to be a number four? Always four Always It's been very long Always four Freedom

Well great Holden for Holden Great to have you here Greg Stone Alright so let's do a news story for Marcus then. Which one do we want to start with? Russia? We're going to take this one out of Russia here. A Moscow school has allegedly moved to edit a girl with Down Syndrome out of its yearbook after several parents complained.

Complained that she was like, well, yeah, I mean... You can't agree with the Russians. Eddie, you can't agree with the Russians. You don't want to look at it. You know it's there. No, but it's a human being, Jackie. I know, but at the same time, it's just like, my kid did it. My kid's smarter than that kid.

You really can't be the same. They're Russian. We don't all get trophies. Give them their own book. They won't know. They have no idea. That's untrue. Give them their own book.

Then they're the star of their own book. The amount of intelligent empathy that the Down syndrome people have make them smarter than all the Russians combined. One Down syndrome person is smarter than all Russians combined. I just thought in Russia, though, if they came out like that, they'd just beat them with a stone until they stopped breathing. Well, they are Down syndrome. That's how I got my name.

Beating molested Downs kids. All right. Is this a rated R? Ruska! And not only have they called for it, but they have succeeded. The school has asked parents this week to return the newly printed class photo album. Yes! The mother said the album is also very pompously glossy

with all kinds of poetry about school, friendship, and mutual understanding with pages separated by parchment paper. The reason why children were asked to return this album is simple. Many parents can't stand the photograph of the girl, Masha, who has Down syndrome. I bet it's a bad photo. Do we have the photo? The daughter of the homero Masha, who has Down syndrome. I bet it's bad photo. Do we have the photo? The daughter of the homeroom teacher next to their children.

So she's not actually in the school. She's not in the class. Just the homeroom teacher. She's like, let me put my kid in. She's a lonely woman with nobody else to take care of her Down syndrome child. So she must bring her to work every day. She's got to move after that. Oh my God. Why don't they just send a home? Leave her. There's no school that she can go to. so she must bring her to work every day.

Why don't they just send a home... There's no school that she can go to? Just give them a picture they can tape over it. Don't send the books back. You send another picture they can tape over the kid of like Putin or Ivan Drago. I feel like that's all they're going to do anyway. Just do what you do when you're a kid with a yearbook and take a red marker and cross out everybody you don't like anyway.

Why doesn't everybody just do that? I love doing that. That was so much fun. Black it out completely. Sharpies were great for that. Man, I'll tell you what, man. Kids got a better life without it. You know?

Without being in the yearbook? Without being in the yearbook. You want to be in the yearbook. The yearbook is where you let people know how much... She's not in the school! Who wants to be in a society that doesn't want you? You're on your own. Big footer. I love her.

I think she's doing great. Let her in. That's what I say. Let her in. She is not a student in the class. She's seven. But she sits with the fourth graders that her mother teaches.

She has been accepted to begin regular school next year, but for now, the teacher, a single mother, takes her to work because she has nobody with whom to leave her. I mean, it's less expensive than having a hamster. I don't know if that's true. I can't believe she's allowed to. You think so? Yeah. You don't have to buy a hamster a helmet.

I don't know, but you don't have to buy the bedding. You just throw bananas, right? It's like, you remember watching Iguana eat a banana? No. There you go. I can make that happen real fast. Man, they eat it so slow. It's like, you remember watching Iguana eat a banana? No. There you go. I can make that happen real fast. Man, they eat it so slow. And they love that. And it makes it last a lot longer if you eat it slow.

Yeah. If I knew anything about Iguanas, it's their love of bananas. I knew that coming in. Oh, this is great, actually. This is Masha. Masha, you know the Iguana state. No, no, no, Masha, I meant the girl in the class. Okay't want to eat a banana now. No, no, no, Masha. I meant the girl in this class.

Okay, that's enough. That's all you guys did. That's adorable. That's cute. Slightly erotic. We know Holden. Not at all. Good job.

All right, so the Russians are crazy, and they're being very mean to this poor girl. They're not being mean. They're being realistic. Well, she's not in the class, so I do understand getting her kicked out for that reason

of the class photo. It makes your kid look stupid if she's in the same class. They're Russian. It does ridiculous. They did actually take it to that conclusion. The parents of at least

five students have had their children transferred to other classes to avoid sitting in the room with Masha. Oh, my God. She's got to be disruptive. I'm sorry. No, she sits there quietly. She never, my God. She's got to be disruptive. I'm sorry.

No, she sits there quietly. She never says a word. That's because she's wrapped in a blanket. Julie, if you opt out of the conversation, don't talk. Good God. You have to put the microphone down for 10 minutes. What'd she say?

What are you talking about? Fine, 30 seconds. 30 seconds. What'd she say? Drives me crazy over here. New rules. I love it. What'd she say? Drives me crazy over here. New rules! I love it. What'd you say?

You drive me nuts. She said I opt out of the conversation. I don't want to have anything to do with it. Well, why are you verbalizing that? You gotta opt out when we're talking about those guys. What's wrong with you? Marcus, you go crazy. Now I'm going crazy.

What happened to you? It's because he has thermals on under his jeans. He has sweaters on under his fucking shorts coat. Leave it alone, Eddie. He has so many layers of clothing on. He can't. He's 65 degrees outside. Leave it alone, Eddie. He has so many layers of clothing on. He can't. He's sweating underneath and it's being trapped

and now he's living in a cage of his own disgust. It was so funny. Ben was wearing this outfit last night and I got him real good. I said, he's dressed, he's wearing a sport coat and a hoodie. I said, you're dressed like George Zimmerman

and Trayvon Martin. Killed at the live show. It's always great the second time. That was the third that I've heard. Oh, I've said it thousands. I love it. It's a great joke. And the live show was amazing.

Thank you for everyone who came out to the live last podcast on the left show. Eddie, you crushed it. I had a great night. You crushed it. Everyone crushed it. And that's why we're all hungover today. But we're still better than the Russians who are being mean-spirited when it comes to people with Down syndrome.

Yes, of course. Yes, it says another woman said that her daughter, who also suffers from Down syndrome, when... Stone's out. He's not in it. What are you guys doing? I'm talking here. I'm talking here, and you're having a conversation. We're having a radio show, and you're having a conversation during the radio show.

Well, now you know why I was going crazy, Marcus. I get you. Stone Zone. Good God. Now we're back in the Stone Zone. Jesus Christ. I never treat people this way in the Stone Zone. We'll go back.

We've got to get in the Stone Zone. I'm not talking for five minutes. You were doing great. God damn it. 7077 i'll start talking again so what happened another woman uh made a facebook post in the original facebook post to talk about it she said that her daughter who also suffers from down syndrome when she was accepted to a quote-unquote regular kindergarten the The parents of three other students removed their children from that class saying, quote,

it was humiliating for them. Yeah, because she was accepted in the regular kindergarten for 30 years. I mean, you know, what do you got to do in Russia to be accepted into the regular kindergarten? Defeat the cold. Yeah, that's about it. Just get there. Kill a bear with your hands.

Arrive. Cabbage pizza. Oh, I love cabbage pizza. Oh, y Yeah, that's about it. Just get there. Kill a bear with your hands. Arrive. Cabbage pizza. Oh, I love cabbage pizza. Oh, yuck. That's stinky. So wet. Or dry. Depending on how you cook it. Befriend a bear.

That's what they do. They love their bears out in Russia. We don't know that. God, this show is going great. Hey, Chris. Holden 707, shut up. Shut up, Holden. Holden, you don't fucking speak. Holden 707, shut up. Shut up, Holden.

Holden, you don't fucking speak. He's got four more minutes. Four more minutes. He's turning very red. I love this. I hope it happens again and again. The penalty box. Yeah. He put himself in it.

Oh, man, we should have a fun penalty box. Yeah. Oh, we should get a hat. Or we just make, I would love to make like a big glass cube on the side of the room and make people go sit and drink. That would be exciting. You have to have a keg in there. You have to drink from it the entire time.

For seven minutes. Seven minutes. And make them write an essay about how they could do better the next time. I like it. Holden's pacing around the room. He's going into the closet. Holden's in the closet. He's going, it's about time. He's finally going to come out of there.

No one wants to hear sexual freedom in this room. He's got it. Very good, Holden. He's actually in the closet. He has just shut the closet door. This is actually my favorite show ever. He's not here. He gets to not tell Holden not to show up.

Wow. And then he just hides in the corner. Phenomenal. All it took was a story. Three minutes. That's his little kids in Russia. All right. So let's see.

So we were in Russia for a little while. Then we went to the Stone Zone. Then we were in the Stone Zone. Right, right, right, right, right. Holden's in the closet. Julia put her microphone down uh you can pick it back up again pick it back it's been 30 seconds you can really just fine i just put it down if that's all right he's hot he can't he can't think straight yeah jose bank in the house i think

jose bank counts if you have a shitty hoodie underneath it. I have a shitty hoodie, too. I'm not judging you for the shitty hoodie. I can't wait until Jose Bank files a lawsuit against you. Just for always repping them. They don't want me, but I need them. Two minutes. That's right. All right.

So, another news story. Holden is still in the closet. Still in the closet. He's not quite. He's just a little bit too fat to fit in. You can still see his hand. He's trying desperately to fit in there. He really can't fit in there.

He's trying to get smaller. If it was a. Oh, yeah. Oh, he got the whole thing. This is what he used to do when he was a child. There you go. Yeah. Let me really lock him in there.

Man, Julia slammed her big foot at the bottom of the closet. There's no way he's getting out of that. Julia, how big is that foot of yours? That is a women's 12. A women's 12? Oh, my God. That's almost like a men's 30. That's big.

That's big. Like a women's 12 is a men's nine, right? No. It's about a 10 and a half. Okay. Fascinating. I have petite feet. Yeah? How big is your foot? Tiny chunk. That was a men's nine, right? No. It's about a ten and a half. Okay, fascinating. I have petite feet. Yeah? How big is your foot?

Tiny chunk. One minute. One minute. Very exciting. This is so suspenseful. I know, I know. I can't wait to see what he says. What's he going to say?

I feel like he's going to cook for me. He's going to come out a different bug. I've got a knife. Good, you never know what he's going to come out a different bug. I've got a knife. Good, you never know what he's going to do. Cut wires. Cut all the wires. Man, fuck this shit. Let's end it, man.

I'm done with this. Yeah, that's not sharp enough. You're going to have to saw through your throat quite a bit. No, man, that's fucking rocking. Man, it's going to spurt all over my face. There was just that actor on stage. When's the last time you spurted, Jackie? I don't know.

Six hours ago. Of course. You always know it. Somewhere in there. Did you see that story about the actor who cut his own throat? No. Accidentally. He was supposed to cut his throat with a razor blade.

And it is 7-0-7. Let him out. Let him out. Let him out. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What are you doing? Trump molests. Trump molests.

Trump molests. Everybody drink. Trump molested 40 girls. Molested 40 drinks. Holden, give me another hot take. Bill Cosby molests. Okay, that's not so hot. It's true.

It's true. I just want to say thank you for giving me five minutes in the closet. I did some learning in there. I looked at some Facebook. Fucking everything's going to happen in the world, man. And one week today, I'm going to have a Twitter out there. I was hoping you did that in the closet. No, one week from today, JuliaJohn69.

I'm going to tell everybody out there, I'm going to say, I'm going to put links to dirty pornos, and I'm going to put- All at your name, Julia. See, how much you learn after five minutes. Why can't you lock kids in a small room? They learn a lot. They have a little time out. My father was locked under the stairs

I lived in an apartment in Bushwick That had a lock on the outside of a closet It just had a little latch on it It's the thinking room Let them think and cry it out My mom used to She'd be like get off me And she'd say

You're grounded Go to your room. You know what was in my room? A video game was in my room. A TV was in my room. Comic books in my room. I had fondling toys in my room. What?

Everything was in my room. CD player boom box. With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players.

With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players. With two tape players in it. And I was like, one day we're going to be able to fit all the music you ever want in one little box. And the other kids beat me for saying that. And now you really are Steve Jobs.

There you go. This is what the movie's about. Yeah. Harrison Ford is Steve Jobs, right? Yes. Oh, Jesus. And there's a black guy who's the lead guy and the dude killed himself because of it. It's Fassbender, but Harrison Ford actually plays the open

casket scene. That's fine. I like everything that's happening. I had a conversation with someone that swore that Patrick Swayze was still alive. And proven wrong. And that someone was my significant other. He goes, he is

alive as the day is long. Days are getting shorter now. He's pretty short then. Yeah, it's winter's coming. Yep. Well, it's always good. You'll be the smart one always. Yeah, man.

Me, smart tiny chunk. Apparently, you can't dance your way out of cancer. You've been telling that joke ever since you died. I know, I love it. It's still a good joke. Well, we don't know if anyone's ever laughed at it. ever since you died. I know, I love it. Still a good joke. Well, we don't know if anyone's ever laughed at it. I still like it. I know. Alright.

Did someone spill a big old can of gunk in this room? Wait a second. It's Tiny Chunk. Masha? Okay. Alright. Love you, Tiny Chunk. Masha? Okay. All right.

Love you, Tiny Chunk. Okay, so let's get out of Russia. All right. Let's go someplace else. Well, it happened again. In Russia? Why? Marcus, what?

A car washer associated with a multinational car showroom in Mumbai was killed after one of his colleagues inserted a high pressure air hose into his rectum. Quote, for a prank. Again? Why wouldn't you do that? Where was that last time? That was here. This one's out in Mumbai. Mumbai.

Great, but you think this is a funny joke, right? I don't think you're coming funny. I'll come and I'll be funny. Stone zone. Stone zone. Stone zone. Stone zone it is. It's a quick little goof, man. Your penis goes whoop.

Like a balloon. Oh, yeah. It's deadly. Yeah, mighty deadly. Air going in your ass. You gotta get a stone. What exactly is that? What does he die from when that happens?

Internal injuries. I don't know if it's like your intestines get bruised. Super cum. That's where you die from. Cumming the best. Cum too hard. Super cummo. Fragilistic.

Cum a chameleon. Lester the molester on the chat. On the live chat. He's a fun guy, yeah. Yeah, he's got a pretty good line. You know what he said? What?

Wrecked him. More like killed him. Yeah. Good job, Lester. Lester the Molester really crushed it. Oh, he didn't get enough reaction. That was very good. Very, very funny.

Everyone give him a reaction. I did. I did. No, he's crushing. Joke of the night. J-O-N. For sure. All right. I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did

I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did

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I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did all that thin, all those things, the air goes right through it. It really blows the person up, and I think it's a very painful death. I just don't understand how someone would think that it is a prank. When you blow a balloon too much, the balloon pops. But, like, yeah, you look there, you know how much pressure is in that. Yeah. You're not supposed to put that much inside of a body, or the body gonna pop. There's a difference if he held it there and it popped or if he just gave him a little squirt

and it popped. I mean, what are you gonna do? It's just a little squirt. It goes in very, very fast, though. Just one second, two seconds. I think that's enough. Yeah, you're gone. And then how'd he die? How embarrassing for the man. No, he's dead. But for the family, how did your

old man die? How'd your father die? Yeah. Oh, and they're holding press conferences about it and everything. In Mumbai? In Mumbai. They got microphones? Yeah, they got all kinds of stuff. If everybody had an air pressurizer, this type of shit wouldn't happen. You didn't have to go.

Yeah, if we all had air pressurizers. The only thing that can stop a prankster with an air pressurizer is a good guy with an air pressurizer. Get it back in there. Well, I'm not going to laugh, but that was the same joke I did, and none of you laughed, so I really don't understand what happened there. No, but I took it and I changed it and I yelled it louder. I didn't laugh at either one of them, for the record.

Yeah. But you didn't do well with your last joke anyway, Eddie, so it doesn't even matter. Are you on Twitter yet, Holden? Not yet. One week from today, I will be on Twitter. I'm so excited for this. Live tweeting bathroom breaks.

Well, how this happened is that it arose from an argument between this guy. His name was Yakub Sheikh and another guy, Santosh Eher. Eher Kar. Eher Kar, I think is how you say it. One's Hindu, one's Muslim. And they were in an argument about animal sacrifice. And, of course, it got heated. And they say that Ahar Kar told the other guy,

You had mutton. We will take out your mutton now. And then held him down. Wow. That's not a prank. That's a death sentence. That's not a prank. That's a murder. That's what they're trying to say. The family's saying that this is a hate crime.

They're saying that the company's covering it up. Yeah, this is a cover-up, dog. We gotta get rid of this guy. Yeah, and it was a pipe, too. They say, we suspect he was pinned down by some people while Erharkar inserted the pipe. This is a conspiracy of silence. This is a conspiracy of silence. Oh, man. This is a conspiracy of silence

between the police and the company. We can lead them to the Tigers. Yeah, well, they need to get those detectives who solely work on butt cases and get to the bottom of this. Throw them to the fucking crazy Tigers, man. Why? That's your answer to this?

Throw them to the Tigers. The guy who injected the other guy with a bunch of oxygen answer to this? Throw them to the tigers. The guy who injected the other guy with a bunch of oxygen. Everyone else too, by the way. All the other holder downers. I want them down. No, holder downers. They're different. They're different. You see what these people do?

I know them. Throw them to the tigers. What do you think, Marcus? Throw them to the tigers? Yeah, why not? Oh, no, no, no, no. Throw them to the tigers. What do you think, Marcus? Throw them to the tigers? Yeah. Yeah, why not? Why not? Oh, no, no, no, no. Throw them to the chimpanzees.

Throw them to the angry chimpanzees. Terrible death. Holden, what animal do you want to throw to... What would be the perfect animal to throw your enemy into a cage with? I mean, I want to give my enemy my greatest fear when it comes to animals. I mean, I guess this counts. No, not a duck. I love a fucking duck. I was going to say, you know, harken back to one of the scariest moments in any film of all time.

The boo box, friend. Put them in a box. We talk about the boo box a lot. Because it's the scariest thing on the fucking planet. What's the boo box? You get put in from hook. Yeah, and they throw paint at you. You go into the box, they put scorpions in there, man.

And then they open up and they go, boo. Scorpion is the closest thing to a demon on this planet. Your only defense is to go to sleep and lay still and, you know, they'll attack each other before you if they think you're just a rock. They'll get your fucking nuts man they love it they're like where are the eggs where are the eggs

and they get your balls they think the balls are the birds eggs I've never heard something so fucking on point in my life good point we're in the stone zone do scorpions have a poison in it or do they just like barbies? It turns a little yellow. Deadliest poisons.

Really? Totally, one of them. Yeah, dog. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I used to have a scorpion. No, why? Swear to God, my brother had one and my stepdad used to come downstairs and he'd talk to it and he'd go, I dare you to escape. I'll fucking kill you. He used to say it. I said that was a cop. My brother had a fucking scorpion.

Was your brother buzzed from Home Alone? My brother's... Wish. Cool. My brother's the wolf. Man, my friend had a scorpion that we used to... Sorry, just so much eye contact in Stone Zone. Oh, yeah.

It's all eye contact. Stone Zone's all about eye contact. I haven't blinked since 93. You feeling love, Jackie? I don't know. It's like a mixture of fear and like pus. I think it's the scorpion talk. All right.

My friend, he was in Iraq and Afghanistan, and he came back, and my other friend had a scorpion roll over the house, and he just kept letting it sting him. What? He's like, it doesn't matter. They're not all poisonous, but some of them are deadly poisonous. Turn your yellow. and he just kept letting it sting him. What? He didn't say anything. He was like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah, they're not all poisonous, but some of them are deadly poisonous. Turn you yellow. Turn you yellow. That's what Saddam did in real life.

Saddam Hussein. Well, Uday used to do it as a kid. Oh, yeah. He would put soccer players, the Iraqi soccer players there, if they would lose an international game, he'd put them all in the boo box, and they didn't like it at all, and then they weren't better athletes afterwards. You've got to train.

I mean, it's really hard to play fucking... You've got to do weightlifting and things, but they just put them in a box. You need grass to play soccer, right? Well, I mean, they have a little bit of grass over there, enough for a field. Tell me, Ed, what sportsman are you putting into the boo box? What sportsman?

What athlete from any sport are you putting into the boo box? Tom Brady. Tom Brady? He never hurt your feelings. What about Dan Marino, you putting into the boo box? Tom Brady. Tom Brady? He never hurt your feelings. What about Dan Marino, who never won you a championship? Dan Marino's a champion, you fucker. Oh, is he? His hands look fairly empty of ring.

Oh, come on. Dan Marino's wonderful. Tom Brady's a piece of shit. Who are you putting in there, Ben? It's a cheater. If I had to put one athlete in there? Why would I betray my own, Ben? That's what's wrong with you.

You can't betray your own. He doesn't know you. By the way, I'm putting in He does. I met him twice. I'm putting in Andre Agassi. Who are you putting in? Ooh, interesting choice. Andre Agassi. The one athlete that probably broke my heart the most. Oh, man. I might have to go with

Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's tough to say. Well, he's a wife beater. He's not a wife beater. How did he break your heart? He beat his wife. Okay. It's about labeling.

I mean, let's get it together here. But Dan Marino's not a wife beater. He just impregnates other women. And he was in Ace Ventura, your favorite movie. Yeah, that is one of my favorite movies. It's all coming around. Oh, my God. The athlete you want to put in the boo box for not doing a good enough job.

What would it possibly be? Who said I was going to do a good enough job? It's just an athlete. It's just generally. Because Andre Agassi has done a great job throughout the year. He lost all of his hair, though. He was a drug addict. He was a drug addict.

He was a drug addict. I remember. Oh, I got one, though. Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Because, man, I... Of course. You know, it's like, my name's Jackie, her name's Jackie. Yeah.

She is a... Perfect. All the reason you need. You know, and it's like... Oh, man, I want to change it, actually. Andy Brodick. Oh, that's a good one. Fuck him.

You want to do another... You want to do a tennis player? Well, I grew up with him. He's a piece of shit. Okay. Without a doubt, hands down, home run derby king, Ross Killebrew. I'm putting him in. No problem.

No questions asked. I'm going to say King Griffey Sr. Whoa! The senior! The old man! The old man! Yeah, man. He's the oldest.

Put him in. Wait, where were we? You are a devil. Who are you doing, Julia? James Harrison? Maybe Chad Johnson. He's real obnoxious. Ocho?

Yeah. Ocho Cinco? You're going to put him in Ocho Cinco? That's such an old reference. I don't know if Jackie Joy and I'm sorry. But, Kirstie's the most relevant. Roman Derby King, Ron Gilbrew. Kissel, you want to talk about this?

Well, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm not upset. Maybe you need a Popsicle. You know, I need Popsicle to help. Popsicle will make people happy. They do. You got to shim out. I'm not upset. Maybe you need a Popsicle. You know, I think Popsicles are hell of a lot. Popsicles make people happy. They do. You've got to shimmy out of those Long Johns. Oh, man.

Popsicles are beautiful. And you love my car. Yeah, Stone Zone. Stone Zone is very fun. All right. Let's see. I have the best time of my life. No, I know you are.

I don't know. I hope I'm not bringing the room down. Only the cars are in the Stone Zone. I'm barely sad. I only got that one thing that's always there. Everything else. Yeah, man. She's there.

She's always there. Oh, man. She's screaming. Was Daryl Strawberry a wife beater? No, no, no. Cocaine abuse. He was an addict. He was a molester.

Marcus, let's look it up. Let's look it up. Did he molest? Daryl Strawberry. He's already in the boo box, let's look it up. Let's look it up. Did he molest? Daryl Strawberry. He's already in the boo box, but let's find out. Yeah. Top ten famous wife beaters. He's in the fucking box, baby.

He's in the box. I. Turner is fucking number nine? That's one? Jesus. What is this list? Who's number one? Who's number one? OJ.

OJ. You got to give it to OJ. You got to give it to OJ. You got to give it to OJ. And Chris Brown, technically not a wife beater. Who? Chris Brown. He's a woman beater. He's a woman beater.

Yeah. There's Ike Turner at number nine. John Daly. The golfer? At number eight. Yeah, he threw his wife against a wall. Third degree assault. Bit of a wife beater.

That's not. Number eight? John Daly. Bit of a wife beater. Mel Gibson never hit his wife. He just said horrible things to her. He was caught on tape hitting his girlfriend, Oksana. Oh.

And he admitted to hitting her twice in the face. Oh, okay. Mike Tyson. Of course, he definitely did it. He was a fighter. He was bred for it. What are you talking about, Jack? You don't be a fighter.

He's not a fighter. He's a criminal. He's not One testicle. Leave the guy alone for Christ's sake. Charlie Sheen, number five. I didn't know he did it. You know who I would put on the boo box? Roger Goodell.

Charlie Sheen. He was arrested on Christmas morning for domestic violence. If you're going to do it, do it on Christmas. Everybody wants to hit somebody on Christmas. Remember it. Suicide capital right there, Christmas. Christmas? Oh, yeah. I'll tell you this. it, do it on Christmas. Everybody wants to hit somebody on Christmas. Remember it. Suicide capital. Right there, Christmas. Christmas? Oh, yeah. I'll tell you this. I'll kill myself on Christmas anytime.

There you go. Well, you can only do it one time. Can't do it anytime. Marcus, what else we got? Number four, Ronnie Radke. You guys know who Ronnie Radke is? What did he play? Fucking cricket? What is that? He's the founding member and current lead vocalist for the band Falling in Reverse.

What? He beat Randy Savage. He must have beat the shit out of his wife if he made the top ten list. He's got 581,000 followers on Twitter. That's not that many. That's not that many. That's pretty good. It's 581,000.

What's his wife beating story? I mean, obviously he hit a woman. Yeah, but why is he number four? He must have been bad. Who's the MMA guy who tore that war machine? War machine. That makes me mad. He better be on this list.

He better be. All right, let's see. Who's number three? Daryl Strawberry. Oh, there we go. Strawberry. Yeah, he put a gun to his ex-wife's face while they were married. Yeah, but he has such a sweet last name.

He's just showing her the gun. Yeah. She didn't see it. She had bad vision. Look, look, look, look. Ben, I mean, Ed, you're like the best friend to any criminal. Like, you'll just believe. You're just like, yeah, yeah.

I fell on cocaine, and then my fist had a magnet implanted in it, and it punched the cop who had a magnet implanted in his skull. I believe you. Want to get some sandwiches? The jury has reached a verdict. I'm a lawyer. Not guilty. Back into the world with you, Daryl Strawberry.

And Daryl Strawberry. The world's fattest, drunkest lawyer. Strawberry. You forgot best. Oh, best. Yes, of course. He also, he tried to be on The Apprentice with Team Trump. Team Trump.

But he was homesick and took himself out of the running and went home. Strawberry did. Yeah. Isn't that sad for him? Very sad. Tommy Lee, number two. It was his cock. The sex tape guy.

Yeah, I didn't realize that he was a wife beater. He served six months jail time for beating Pam Anderson. He did? Really? I didn't know that. I don't remember. I didn't know the sex tape. No one hits Pam.

Yeah, leave Pam alone, Tom. That's why she left. Good for her. Good for her. Independent woman. They still talk. D-Milo, who's number one? D-Milo, D-Milo.

Oh, Charles Monson? Who the hell is that? OJ wasn't on the list. OJ is not. He didn't beat the one.

He was not guilty. He beat her plenty. Nah. No, can't not fit. I am suspect.

I don't know. Football players, fighters, it's in their nature. Ray Rice wasn't on the list. You deal with the consequences.

Yeah, they definitely left a lot of people off of that list. I mean, 10 is too short. Who's Bonson? Who are the husband beaters? I'd say Star Jones. Oh, you gotta check out Snapped on Oxygen. A lot of women murdering there.

Hillary Clinton beats up Bill Clinton all the time. Jodi Arias Ariel Castro That's a different name Sort of just a bed and breakfast gone wrong Also he was a man I know Ariel is a girl's name I don't know what I'm saying anymore

He wasn't from under the sea He didn't have a fin or anything He was so mad He named after a mermaid So he did those horrible things. Give those girls food and comfort. Food comfort, yep. They're doing great now.

That's a t-shirt. They're stronger than yesterday. They're doing very well now. Give those girls food and comfort. Put it on a t-shirt. Send it to 1093 Jackson Avenue. Long Island City, New York. Craig in the cave.

Give those girls food and comfort. Yeah, we'll get it to them. Don't worry. We'll get it to them. 1-1-1-0-1. I stepped out and said, four squares and a bed? Why could you be wrong? There was a woman that would wear a helmet, and he tied her to a radiator.

Yeah, my stepdad. What are you talking about? Ariel Castro. The biggest little mermaid that's how he died in prison out of the water if you look at the movie poster you will find a penis in the castle

they predicted Ariel Castro's downfall you can find a penis in anything you can find a penis anything I'm grabbing on I'm such a tight junk. Anything I'm grabbing on, I'd say that much. I'm like a monkey in the jungle. The branches are all dicks. Looking for nanners.

Looking for nanners. Swinging on vines. My God, I went somewhere else just now. Marcus, what's the story? Morning glory. Let's get a news story. I went into a penis blackout, and all I could see were walls and trees and everything. Penises.

The pee-pee box. I got nothing. The pee-pee box. I got nothing. The pee-pee box. So you put them in a box, and you just shove cocks into the hole. Severed cocks. Severed cocks. Just cover someone in Severed cocks. Severed cocks.

Just cover someone in severed cocks. What would you rather? Oh, my God. A cock box or the poo box? Cock box. Cock box. You need those. All right.

What are we doing? Cum box or poo box? Cum box. Cum box. You can drink that. Cum box. You get protein. Ben, cum box or poo box?

I don't know. Can we, I guess, cum. Julia, what are we doing? His cum't know. Can we, I guess, cum. Julia, what are we doing? His cum is fresh. Cum box. Julia's doing cum box. You don't have to like.

Our whole lives is a cum box. Yeah, yeah. So how long? Cum, cum. Of course. Give the man some cum. Layer the man with cum.

How long are you in there for? You're in there for. Is that going to make a difference? Yes, absolutely. Oh yeah, three days. Because we're going to drink it all quick. If it was 20 seconds, I think I'd take shit. But if it's for a long time... See, that's the thing. I think I could get used

to the smell of shit faster than I could get used to the smell of cum. Because shit, the smell of shit is pretty consistently shit. But cum changes scent over time. I never smelled other cum. Doesn't it eventually just not smell like anything? No.

I've never been around like three day old cum. Oh no, it gets strong. Yeah, it gets real strong. You can take a tiny jar of cinnamon in there. Oh, cum then. Check this man. That's why when they put a cum, you just gotta drink it as fast as you can so that it doesn't get old. Then you win.

Are you getting sure food in there? Right? What if you're in a really small box and they're cumming all over your legs? So then it gets in your leg here for dudes. No, that's fine. And then it crusts up. I love that. Have you ever had something crust up in hair and then it pulls at your hair over time as

it dries? Nothing is more fun to me than scraping cum out of my own head like that. You know, I always- You're in a tiny box. You can't touch the gum. I always say this. When I crust up, I bust up. And that means I nut for days.

So if I'm getting crusties on me, my nut's going. I think I'm personally going to say, also, to add on to this, you have to take a shit really bad. You have the runs. You just ate Chipotle an hour ago. If it's my own shit, I don't care. You ate at the Halal Guys an hour ago. I can't mix with the cum.

I got to keep it separate. I got some little shit in the sock. You can't shit in the sock. No, your sock was in here. No, he's got shoes. You have shoes and socks on. I think you're in a boo box, so you're laying down. I thought it was like a class.

You can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Get that sock off. Look at what I'm doing. You're a shimmy master. No. You are not a shimmy master.

No, it's a boo box. Your knees are going to be touching your chin. You're going to be very tied up in there. You can't move in the boo box. I'll get it. Put everybody wrong. I'll get it. See, you guys don't want it.

You guys don't want it. The entire time somebody is reading from Chronicle of Death Foretold. What is that? It's a famous work of literature. Okay, the Chronicle of Death Foretold. Of a death. Chronicle of a Death Foretold. What is that? It's a famous work of literature. Okay, the Chronicle of Death Foretold. Of a death. Chronicle of a Death Foretold. No one knows what this is.

Are we stupid or... No, it's Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I read in high school. What's wrong with you? Come on, guys. I didn't read any of the high school books. I haven't read a book. I read four.

I read four. Stone Zone. Stone Zone has read one book, half of Heir to the Empire. It was a Star Wars book. What is Empire. It was a Star Wars book. What is that? It was a Star Wars book. I tried to read it, and I couldn't finish it because I got real problems.

Never read a book. Big reveal, Eddie. You've read four books. What books were they? I might have read a couple more than four, but Don Rickles. Did you read Jaws? No. I read Don Rickles' autobiography, Ronnie Dangerfield's autobiography.

So you read the same book twice. They were a little different. Rickles had a better life. Okay. And what else did I read? What's this? Swiss Family Robinson. Oh, that's a good one.

I'm doing it. No, you've never read a book. I read the Bret Hart book. And Breakfast of Champions. I read Breakfast of Champions. Oh, and a bunch of Bukowski. I was about to say, you gave me read a book. I read the Bret Hart book. And Breakfast of Champions. I read Breakfast of Champions. Oh, and a bunch of Bukowski. I was about to say, you gave me a Bukowski, but you said, I read this. I said, you read this?

Women. Women, yeah, yeah, yeah. Women. I read that twice, actually. It made me read the book. I was like, well, if Ed read this, I should probably read it. And he also read a book called How to Kill Non-Whites. Yeah, man.

Because they're harder, because all their skin is tougher. It was one page long, and it was a fucking trigger. It. Yeah, man. Because they're harder because all their skin is buffer. It was one page long and it was a fucking trigger. It just says, yeah. Or it just says, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. Interesting road to take us down, Holden. Smokey D. Robinson. I read a book by DMX. Okay, Stone Zone, so you read a lot of books.

Smokey D. Robinson. I keep forgetting them because it wasn't a good one. Now you're mad at me me I'm not mad at you He's mad at everybody He was in such a good mood earlier What happened? Ben's actually not mad at me I don't think so

I don't think Ben's mad at me either Stone's out I'm not mad at you, Eddie I'm not even mad at Julia I'm not mad at Greg Or Marcus No, I'm not mad at you No, I'm not mad at anyone

We're having a great time This is a great podcast. On the day they were going to kill him, Santiago Nassar got up at 5.30 in the morning to wait for the boat the bishop was coming on. This is actually a very good book. It's a very good book. He dreamed he was going through a grove of timber trees

where a gentle drizzle was falling, and for an instant, he was happy in his dream. But when he awoke, he felt completely spattered with bird shit. He was always dreaming about trees. We've genetically enhanced him.

I'm not even going to give you a spoiler alert. If you haven't seen Jurassic World yet. I haven't. No, the raptors is in the big one. They got raptor genetics in the big one. I don't give a fuck. As long as Chris, whatever, is sexy, as long as he's slobbing on my fucking tiny chunk knob, that's all I care about.

Yeah, he is. Why haven't you seen it yet? My God, Chris Pratt, gimme, gimme, gimme. No, I don't care about the time. Yeah, it's a stupid movie. Yeah. We can all admit it's a stupid movie. Big sea monster, though.

Scariest thing ever. Great sea monster. There's a sea monster in it? Shut up. You gotta get out of here. I'm mad at Jackie now. That movie sucked. It did.

What? But it was a big I'll see you again. Good dinosaur fights. Marcus. The pterodactyls tearing up people. Jurassic World.

Oh it was fine. It was fine. It was fine. Absolutely fine. It was a fun little date night. We went to the... Smell the mic? At some point.

Stop. I'm hearing Greg's stone zone shut. I'm sorry. Why? He's telling a date story. What's he saying? I'm just hanging out. Oh, now you're going to leave me out to dry.

I'm not leaving you out to dry. You're all having a good time. I'm screaming. Telling a story about... He's talking about DJ. He's smelling the microphone. Admittedly, it does have nothing to do with my opinion of Jurassic World. I apologize.

No, no. When a good smell hits you, you got to say it. What am I going to do? Sit here and not tell anyone? Especially this goddamn town. Kissel, smell Greg's microphone. Tell us what it smells like. You got to.

You got to. Give it a sniff. Yeah, smell it. like. You got to. You got to. Give it a sniff. Yeah, smell it. All right, describe it. It sounds like a bunch of... It smells like Kevin's success. Yeah, something like that. I don't know.

Like if cigars farted or something. The big reveal at the end is that it's squirrel DNA that made all the monkeys in Jurassic World. Did you just give away? Yeah. Yeah, dinosaurs are monkeys now. Dinosaurs are monkeys in this one. Jackie, at the end of Jurassic World, Chris Pratt was dead the whole time.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Is he still sexy in his coffin? At the end of the movie, Chris Pratt's fingering a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and he looks at the camera and says, tease a pity, she's a whore. Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Fucking credits are all hard, motherfucker. Controversial ending.

See, I would watch that. Just hand up a trance. I thought you would need both hands. I found an egg, you know. And he really just found the G-spot because it's egg-shaped. Dinosaurs had cloacas. Isn't that fun? I don't think a G-spot is egg-shaped. Is that the dinosaur G-spot because it's egg-shaped. Dinosaurs had cloacas. Isn't that fun? I don't think a G-spot is egg-shaped.

Is that the dinosaur G-spot? It's an asshole and a dickhole. Yeah, like birds. That's not that camel. What's a dickhole? It's the front friend. Yeah, it's the thing in the front that the stuff comes out of, not the thing in the back.

No way, Daddy. Where's the cum go? Where's the cum go? Yeah, where's the cum go the front that the stuff comes out of, not the thing in the back. No way, daddy. Where's the cum go? Where's the cum go? Yeah, where's the cum go? If you got no dick hole, it's a recycling situation. It goes in through and I'm self-sustaining. Oh, you don't eat. No.

I don't do much anything. You run on cum. Run on cum. This country runs on cum. It does I think I'm the only one drunk I feel bad Run and cum

It's a good defense Run on cum Well let's see here Yeah I think we're good On all the cum talk I think we could go to The next news story You think so?

I think No cum I can't Weapons Do you want to skip it? It has I have no cum stories This Alright No cum We it? I think no cum. I can't. Weapons. Do we skip it? It has weapons. I have no cum stories.

All right. No cum. Weapons it is. Weapons. A man wielding a spear chased a man carrying a sword through several backyards in South Wichita and Kansas on Saturday morning. Police were called to Ada at 8 a.m. to a house in the 1800 block of South Hydraulic. The 49-year-old woman who lives there had called police and said that a young man had walked into her bedroom

waving what she described as a samurai sword. She figured the man had come to see her son, so while she went to get her son, who was sleeping in another room, the suspect ran. After waking, the son snatched up a spear and ran after the man through several backyards. But the samurai sword-wielding assailant got away.

I heard the spear is quite the mighty weapon. Yeah, you can toss it, you can stab it, you can do whatever you like with it. You can beat somebody with it. Right. Once you've mastered it. Spear and a net. Sorry. Spear and a net. No, I shouldn't be interrupting. You know. I'm sitting here being like,

spear is good, spear is good. You're giving me factual information, Ed.. I'm sitting here being like, Spears, good, Spears. You're giving me factual information, Ed. And I'm sitting here shitting on it. I will say Ed did know a lot about Spears just immediately. Gotta kill people. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. So the ninja got away. Well, it wasn't necessarily a ninja. Apparently both of the men are local reenactors. Oh. Oh, man. Did you hear about the people who got killed at Tombstone or got shot at Tombstone? Yeah.

No, no, the place. They were reenacting Tombstone, and one of the guys showed up late because he was hung over, and he forgot to take the real bullets out of his gun, and he shot everybody. Oh, my God. That's how they got the cross. That's how they got Brenda Lee. Very massive. Yeah, my God. That's how they got the cross. That's how they got Brenda Lee. Very messy. Yeah, I know.

I used to know a chick. Our buddy Kept used to date a girl in college who her father was one of the reenactors in Tombstone. I wonder if he's still alive. I don't know. Yeah. Well, if they did know. Well, we can't ask his ex, can we? I can't remember.

You know what? I don't remember her name. I don't think that he did. I think it sounds like a lie. No, he did. He wooed her. It was great. He wooed her?

Yeah, he wooed her. Woo! Well, it made me. He swept her off her feet. We all watched it. It was in front of all of us. It was great. It only lasted like a week and a half.

Oh, good for her. He got her, though. Keppers. Kepp, dude. All right, Holden. So who do you got in this fight? You got the Ninja Warrior. They're both reenactors. Obviously, this guy is going to attack his nemesis. I'm, Holden. So who do you got in this fight? You got the Ninja Warrior. They're both reenactors.

Obviously, this guy is going to attack his nemesis. I'm sorry, though. So they aren't real instruments? They are real. They are real implements of destruction. They might be blunted, though. They could be. I'm sure.

Even worse. Yeah, that's almost worse. If you blunt, then you're bruising them to death yeah you're just beating them to death nerdy sword people though I say execute

every single one of them yeah that's they are for the boo box they're the worst they're definitely no they're not for the boo box because then they'd still be alive at the end

because of the scorpion maybe you leave them there forever yeah I guess you could leave them there forever and put them at the bottom of the ocean but all I'm saying is

nerdy sword people you know fight coaches and stuff like that. They should just be taken into the desert or some sort of foreign place like a jungle and executed formally. I agree. Why not?

I don't know if the coaches should be. I feel like the reenactors, the people that go out and they're like, Huzzah! We shall now fight the fight! Right, right. Anybody who collects medieval gear and takes it out to a park. Unless you're at a fair or at a festival, you've got the whole big thing. If you're at the festival, that's great.

But if a little kid can't play frisbee with his or her sister or brother because there's a bunch of nerds at the park reenacting medieval war stances, take them to the desert, place a gun upon their temple, pull the trigger, let the brains hit each successive one, too, so they know they're about to get hit. Is that a real... The torture of when you bury somebody

up to their neck right? And then let the ants take the yeah that's what the honey on them. That's what they should get. It's a Mexican trick right?

Yeah and you shove a bunch of peyote into their mouth too. Why that? It's like lose your mind while it's happening. Well it's like the ants are biting

you to death. You know that's what Dave Matthews band's Answer Marching is about. Yeah, and that other song that pours some sugar on me. Passions of me and start marching

blue and green and B-O-D. Man, I used to fucking love Dave Matthews band. Same here. I used to try to finger girls while I was like,

seeing live concerts. Ugh, I can't believe I used to do that. I used to go to fish shows. I'll tell you this. I fingered a girl in a Dodge Neon and stared at her mother in the rearview mirror as it was happening. Wow. What is this trying to prove here?

Get me out of this. A-grade. A-grade, baby. Anybody ever gotten the blowjob in the cab? I don't like it. Yeah, I like it. I like a handjob in a cab. Handjob in a cab is you can play that off a little bit better. And blowjob in a cab, it don't like it. Yeah, I like it. I like a handjob in a cab. Handjob in a cab

is you can play that off a little bit better. And blowjob in a cab, it can also be fun. It's so awkward. I got a blowjob in a train. What? Ah! Were there,

was there a couple, or were there people directly next to you? It was a mostly empty train car. Private train car and you got a blowjob. Yeah, I remember this story now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was sucking himself off. I wish I could. I'm not, I can't bend. You can you can do it would you would you blow yourself i mean i would have tried it once for sure and if i liked it i'd do it again i just felt bad for the cabbie i saw the cabbie just go like just like sigh to himself like the moment it started happening like i just saw the cabbie kind of from behind just being like fucking another blowjob ride we're doing one of those yeah did you tip him yeah of course he's tipping everybody yeah everybody that night give everybody the tip you know i'm saying and then he was like oh i suck it's now you know because they all talk like that

it's a young man's game you shouldn't be getting blowjobs and cabs after like 26 no definitely not you should know better by then. It was a while ago. I was also 24. It was a good year. You guys had that one good year. I'm so happy for you guys. Maybe it was the same day, like 5-0.

You were looking under the same moon. It's very possible they were in the same car. You think the mom knew? You think the mom knew while you were fingering her? My mom knew when I was getting my dick sucked. I know she always texts you. Even if she's in a different state, she texts you and says, I know you can get your fucking dick sucked right now.

Papa, what do you do? What do you do, Papa, when you get your penis sucked in a cab? I don't know who that guy is. I don't know. Nobody knows. She's got bad timing. Papa guy is. I don't know. Nobody knows. She's got bad timing. Papa, papa,

you get a dick song? Papa. How do I get girl to blow me in cab? Well, you just shove her head down to your appendices and they put their mouth on it

whether they want to or not. No? You'll be the best Turkish father ever, Jackie. I'm working on it Jackie how much is it for me to marry your daughter Oh you want to marry my daughter Oh you come to my house

You take off my wife She take off her pants And then you take her pussy lips You kiss You kiss one side You kiss the other side And then you put two coins inside of her. Two coins and a pussy.

Her eyes become gold. Then you have the entrance pass, the coming inside of my daughter. There you go. Thank you. It's free. It's free as long as you have the two magic coins Oh they're magic coins I can't just have a couple of nickels Magic coins

What did you say? It's currency Edward Nickels Alright so the reenactors Are fighting Let's go to a segment from Holden McNeely It's a Halloween parade You Vacant people Let's go to a segment from Holden McNeely. It's a Halloween parade. You vacant people.

So what's happening right now is Marcus gets a Halloween float in the Halloween parade. We choose who he is. Marcus, of course, multi-billionaire, keeper of Mexican slaves. Quite a few. Just Mexican slaves. They work for free. Owner of men. He He is gonna have a float In the parade

We're gonna decide What it is Now you know I'll start And for me I'm sorry that it's so easy For me I said it once

I'll say it a million Fucking times During a segment Haunted balls It's gonna be A giant sack Of haunted balls We're gonna put speakers

Inside the balls Going Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh It's going to be a giant sack of haunted balls. We're going to put speakers inside the balls going, oh, oh, oh. Marcus, you'll be right beside them, you know, kind of dancing. You'll be in a pube costume. Right. Just covered in pubic hair, you know. There'll be a bone man on the float. Yep.

Sure. There you go. I don't like your tone. Just to get. I don't like your tone on that. That's racist. Sure. There you go. I don't like your tone. I don't like your tone on that. Sounded racist. A couple of those lowly bone people that you need to have on all of your things. To have fun, yes, you're right.

But I don't like how you're presenting it, sir. Stone zone? Stone zone. Do you understand what's happening? Yeah, every time. Well, yeah. You get a float. I get a float.

I get a float. Two knives. One named Larry. One named Gayblade. Dancing knives? Dancing. They fight. They're going to call each other out.

They're going to say, you're a motherfucker. What did I do? I didn't do shit to you. You came late. You're late again. I'm sick of you being late. We're doing the knife float and you showed up

an hour and a half. What am I supposed to do? What am I going to do? I'm sitting here sweating. I'm sweating. You're just rolling in with Taco Bell. I just can't.

I'm out. I'm out with this. I'm out with this guy. I can't work with him. And it's just a verbal? It's just two guys dressed up as knives having a conversation

about scheduling? Honestly, greatest idea on a segment in a long time. it's just two guys dressed up as knives having a conversation about scheduling honestly greatest idea on a segment in a long time we need to step up our game you gotta follow it

you gotta follow it because people are just going well why are they fighting I didn't have a dad I didn't have a dad I don't know I don't shave

I had to teach myself how to shave a lot of things a lot of things Ben Kissel. Some people call you the $20 million man. Yep. Some people call you James Honeybucks.

That's right. Every one of your girlfriends calls you, please come back. What will you say for this segment? Well, it's just a float. It's a float for a Halloween parade. A bunch of dirt. Just a bunch of dirt. Are they going to be holes?

Not sand. He likes holes. I like holes as well. Well, if he wants a hole, he can dig it. And see, that's good because I enjoy digging holes. That's the thing. I don't really care about the hole itself. I like digging the hole. I will be driving the float.

Great. And I will be getting drunker and drunker. We might have to switch some people out if it gets a little too wobbly. Just let him go. Just put a governor on it. He'll be we might. Just put a governor on it. You'll be fine. We'll put a governor on it.

Put a governor in there. You gotta get a governor in there. You gotta get a parade governor. Just a bunch of dirt. Maybe some bones. It's your turn, Ben. Bonus points if you're not mean to her when she gives her answer.

I haven't been mean to her yet. What was I mean to her when she gives her answer. I haven't been mean to her yet. What was it mean to Julia? I'll let Marcus dig holes. I'll have a little cemetery and Marcus digs the holes and then you put in anybody you don't like, bury them, and then there's a

little tube that comes up so that everybody hears them screaming. Subquestion, who you don't like? Who you putting in there, Marcus? Who am I putting in there? Who don't you like? Ken Griffey Sr. Okay.

Wow, again! Again! I'm re-lacked! He's got a hard-on for the Ken Griffey Sr. He's got a hard-on. I don't know what it is, man. I do. I got the same feeling, brother.

Thank you. Goddamn right. Thank you. Fantastic. I'm sick of dynasties. I mean, I think that's a bit of fantasy fulfillment right there, Julia. Ken Griffey's and the. Fantastic. I'm sick of dynasties. I mean, I think any kind. A bit of fantasy fulfillment right there, Julia. The Griffies and the Clintons. I'm done with them.

Yeah. And the Bushes. That's right. Two American dynasties that we could potentially live without. I'm going to put a bullet in the head of Bill Clinton Sr. Give him a... I'll tell you what. Give him a medieval sword and put him in the middle of a public park.

Oh, and stab him with a spear. Oh, my God. Stab him with a spear. I'll molest his children in front of him. I'll drag him all to the goddamn desert. I'll drag him all to the desert. Holy shit. Murder Liza Minnelli.

There you go, Liza Minnelli. And when she's on her way out... Dinosaur. No, Liza. The daughter of Judy Garland. It just keeps going nepotism down and down and down she's wonderful

Eliza's great if you say the word I'm on your back you just tell me he's physically riding on your back with a goddamn spear and scorpions down the street a net of scorpions I'll let you know sir

Jackie everything is wrong about the show today. What would you like to say for your segment choice? It's going to be floats. It's going to be moving, but it's going to change when it stops. So what it is, it's going to be a mountain of bodies, but they're going to be actual bodies. But people don't really know that. Are they going to be

hotties? They're not going to be hotties. They're all going to be kind of like half-sewed together. It's going to be pizza people. There was a... You went on a murder spree, gathered them all, glued them to the top of this float. That's fine. But on the top of the float is a remaking of the planting of the flag. What is that? Hiroshima?

Iwo Jima. Iwo Jima. So that's... No more flags at Hiroshima. So that's what's being done at the top of it. There's going to be X on the flag. Yeah, real... I mean, real poor taste, Hiroshima. And so you don't realize that the people underneath are all real until...

So you have homeless people bodies that are being dragged in the back of the float because, you know, get rid of them. But the float behind, which you didn't realize, was a Trail of Tears float. So when the float stops, they're pissed off, you know, so they get off because their float sucks. They just got a bunch of whiskey, and it's not really that scary.

So what they decide to do is they crawl over the homeless people bodies that are linked between your floats, and they go up, and they fight the men on the top, the American soldiers on the top with their tomahawks, and then they go up, and to the top, the American soldiers on the top with their tomahawks. And then they go up, and to the man with the American flag, one rips the flag out of his head and takes the flag and shoves the whole pole down through his mouth and through his entire body. And they go, yee! And they set him on fire, and then the float keeps going when it continues on.

I'll tell you what, I'm still going with fighting knives. Ed, you are a travesty. You've smelled bad from the moment I met you. Oh, my God. What could you possibly put on this float right now? Fat dogs. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to punch him. Change the game. Change the game. Change the game. I'm thinking laterally here, outside the box. I'm getting like 20, 30 fat dogs. Oh, my God. How's the float going to move? Eddie wins.

Eddie's got to win. I'm sorry, Jake. I'm not done. We're dressing them up like the fucking American idols. Uncle Sam, Abraham Lincoln, anyone with a big hat. Oh, not singers in a contest. No, no, no, no, no. True America. And then we're going to do a barking version of the 1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky.

This isn't scary, Eddie. It doesn't have to be scary. All right. I know it's a Halloween parade, but you know what? Halloween is also about... They dress the dogs up like they're Americans. Exactly. It's about fun, everyone. It's about having a good time. It can be scary.

Can we have at least a tombstone that says R.I.P. Gracie because Gracie, our parents' fat dog, Whatever dog dies the week of the parade. Gracie is dead. We'll celebrate that dog. We drag a bunch of cans with their names on it. Yes.

No, no, no. That might agitate the dogs. You want them barking. You know, you want them barking. I thought you wanted them barking to the tune of... I don't want them sleeping. We're going to play that and it's going to drive him crazy. That's why you go to the Bronx Zoo during feeding time.

You've got to see the action. It's good exercise for them. Otherwise, they're just going to sleep their whole way through that rut. They love getting in the car and go bye-bye. I was going to ask, what are you going to do? I was going to ask, what are you going to do if they all get loose? And then I realized I want them to get loose. Marcus, what are we doing here?

We're doing fat dogs. It was good. I'm going to go ahead and say everyone showed up today. Everyone had a good call, but fat dogs. Everyone brought it. I think everyone, I mean, Holden not so

much with the haunted balls. Bit of the bones on mine, so I guess you got to do that to get a win. Oh, my balls are so spooky. He didn't have any bones in his. Those dogs got bones in them. They want them. They're right behind the bone. Greg, what do you want to do?

I just want to make a real quick announcement, which is this is the best day of my life. Oh, really? Oh, wow. What happened? This is the best day of my life. Why? Because how much fun am I having right now? Yeah. This is the most fun day of my life. Oh, really? Oh, wow. What happened? This is the best day of my life. Why? Because how much fun am I having right now? Yeah.

Yeah. This is the most fun day of my life. Amen. Amen. It's all over now, Greg. Stone zone. Stone zone. Bad dog stone zone.

Stone zone. Bad dog. Little tombstones that say, R-R-R-R-I-P. Oh, man. Oh, my God, Gracie. Gracie, man. May she live in heaven with all the other angels.

And my mother said, when Gracie died, she said, go to beauty, go to Valentine. What are those, the other fat dogs? Our other fat dogs that have died in the past. Your mother murdered? And she said, go to them, because now she can run the way she never was able to run. Your mother overfed her to the point of disability.

It wasn't porn with a handicap. Poor Gracie. Gracie Mae Zebrowski. Four years. 28 dog years. 2015. The same day Kurt Cobain. Almost criminal.

That's fine. All right. So that's the round table Greg Stone anything to plug anything you want to discuss I want to plug me on this podcast

right now today nice and my Twitter alright is that Greg Stone Greg Stone underscore alright let's see Julia

what do you have going on I got I got shut up I got a show on Tuesday wait when does

this come out Monday tomorrow yeah oh I got a show Tuesday at Cake Wait, when does this come out? Monday. Oh, I got a show Tuesday at Cake Shop. And I'm at HeyJuliaJohns, not to be confused with JuliaJohns69, which will be coming soon. Coming up in one week from today. That's November 1st. I forget what day it is.

First. November 1st. It's the easiest one to remember. It's one. It's number one. You will know my opinions on the world. Hold on. One last hot take.

Drown them. That's not really much. Also, if somebody wants to buy me a Wii U, send me a personal message on Facebook. Or you can find Marcus Parks on Twitter at Marcus Parks, and I think that's pretty much it. 4569. Catch her in your mother's eye you bitch you son of a bitch how about the page 7 show

how about the diabetic can you treat her right that's right I gotta leak out my front I feel like I feel like I'm forgetting. Oh, Sausage Fest, November 8th. Yeah.

Come on through, you fuckers. Corey Griffin, I expect to see you. Not Ken Griffey Jr., though. I mean, Ken Griffey Jr. Ken Griffey Jr. is fine. It's not his fault that he was born of such a fucking monster. He's fine. What?

Ken Griffey Sr. is a monster? Yeah. What? I'm not Sr.'s a monster? Yeah. What? I'm not talking about this anymore. Right now? Okay. All right. We'll talk to you soon.

I'm done. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.