The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 265: Hey Hey We're the Monkees

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

This week on Round Table: an Arizonan is arrested in a months-long bestiality sting operation, a witch and a warlock get embroiled in a magical harassment suit, and a Danish man kills his brother with a potato. Joining us today: John F. O'Donnel, Amber Nelson, and Erik Bergstrom!

Hey, Cave Comedy Radio listeners, this Sunday, November 8th, is the Cave Comedy Radio Sausage Fest, the second annual one this year, starting at 8 p.m. at the Creek in the Cave in Long Island City. We've got The Brighter Side, last podcast on the left, featuring the long-awaited return of Henry Zebrowski, and a special hour-long roundtable of gentlemen, all of them live all downstairs at the Creek in the Cave, 1093 Jackson Avenue in Long Island City, New York, off of the G train and the 7 train. We'll see you all there. The roundtable.

Gentlemen. Hi. Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the hour, what's the topic of discussion?

Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We have to put you on. Everyone's doing web videos nowadays. We've got to start the show. There's a lot of web videos these days. Who's praying you on. All right, who's praying? Everyone's doing web videos nowadays. We got to start the show. It's all about web videos these days. Who's praying? Amber.

All right. Oh, Lord, make us thankful for this beer we are about to receive. For Christ's sakes, amen. All right, perfect prayer. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Best prayer we've ever had. That was just to the point and something I could actually be grateful for. That's what my dad always did.

He always said, Lord, make us thankful for the fruit we're about to see. For Christ's sake, say amen. But I replaced it with beer because we got beer here. But that's always the best prayer. Beer at the table. Keep it short. But then he died. So let's keep going.

Your dad's dead. That'll happen sometimes. Okay, Amber Nelson, you're here. Jackie Zebrowski, she's not making it, I guess. No, she's not making it. I just got a text saying, no, no, no. All right, so just in honor of Jackie, let's all squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, Alright. Holdenators, ho! We won't go away. I've got

many shoutouts this week. Come on with this. Timmy and his murdered dog Lucian. Shoutout to your fucking head. Brad Mode 08 is a dirty cunt ball. That's what he asked me to say. Hummus 1997's a piece of shit.

Hummus 1997? Sandman's a piece of garbage. Ben is house for feet. Has of the Beast said you'd like to hear that, Ben. Call the shot, zero nine. Kyle is a piece of shit. Cadragon Lee says everyone is amazeballs, even Ben. You have more fans in gaming than you in comedy.

Yeah, that's the thing. And Michael licks asshole while he shits himself. Also, we know you're too high right now and we've called the cops on you. Very kind of Gamergate-ish. Kind of Gamergate-esque. PlayStation Network shoutouts. Catcher, 45, 69.

Why is it to be at the top of the show? Always the top. Maybe because they get their shout outs I've got like 75 friends on the playstation network

none of them will play a game with me on a lot of podcasts the comics are like alright I'm

going to be in this city this day and I'm going to be in here next week and then I'll

be at doing the funny bone here Holden's like Holdenators ass licker 3000

I'm not doing any shows I wish I could stop doing all shows doing the funny bone here. Holden's like, Holdenators, Asslicker 3000. I'm not doing any shows. I wish I could stop doing all shows. Stop booking us. Stop booking me. Stop booking Murderfest. You know, there is an open mic

that you can Skype into, by the way. Yeah? Broadway Comedy Club had this for a while. I hope it died down. We're not talking about Broadway Comedy Club anymore.

I don't want to do a perfect combination of sadness. Holden, do something with your life, okay? that down. We're not talking about Broadway comedy club anymore. More time on comedy talk, please. Absolutely. Holden, do something with your life, okay? Kevin Barnett can't be here. He's busy making a show for television. John F. O'Donnell's replacing him. J-Fa,

thanks so much. Yeah, happy to be here. Thank you. And why are you not making a show for television? He does have a show on television. He's a correspondent on RT for Redacted Tonight. We just did a great April against Top Hat discussing all things political and Putin. It's like you're grounded to be here. Yeah, it is.

Because you're not making a show for CBS or whatever. Well, no. I mean, I'm making a show. I mean, it's on RT America. It's a cable network. It's deep in the dial. It's Russia. Show makes you.

Yeah, I don't know. What's the number? Dear Vladimir, I hope you like my callback. Don't murder my family. What's the channel number? It depends on the network. I don't know. Watch it on the fucking internet.

Six, six, six. Yeah. It's not a channel. Well, I mean, it is, but. YouTube.com slash redacted tonight. It's really good. We cover awesome stuff. I'm really proud of it.

Have you met Putin? Yeah, we hang out all the time. No, I good. We cover awesome stuff. I'm really proud of it. Have you met Putin? Yeah, we hang out all the time. No, I've never met him. All right, so thanks so much for being here, John. Ben is charged tonight. I'm just trying to do the show. Is it the eagle shirt? Huh?

Is it the eagle shirt? Ka-kow! Is that an eagle? Ben's wearing a big eagle shirt. We should tell that to our listeners. I love my eagle shirt because it reminds me of American freedom. Eric Bergstrom, you're here. Oh, yes.

Following American freedom. Perfect. Perfect. How are you? I am very good. And how are you doing? I'm doing good. Perfect.

You look great. You too. All right. So, Eddie, anything else to add? No. You've never come to me. May I continue? You're the best never come to me. May I continue? It's the best point in the show.

May I continue? You always go to the story. Right. I just wanted a quick, just a quick update. Things are good. Good? Yeah. How about you?

How's your fucking day? Oh, man. Yeah. That is not for this podcast, nor will I ever actually tell you the true misery that it is to be Benjamin Kissel. No, it's very nice, and thanks for all the kind tweets. Okay. So, Marcus.

Marcus, you're here, and you've got a lot of news stories. A Washington man has been accused of prostituting his dog in exchange for sex with various farm animals. I feel like we've done this story. Well, we've done similar stories.

This dog gets around. Wait, so he would sell his dog's asshole to other men or women if she wants to rub it on that asshole and then he would have sex with the animals? Well, let's get into it. It's the Players Club. Yeah.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said 56... Yeah, it's Joe Arpaio. That's so the bitch. Why do you hate him? I hate him deep, man. We were supposed to do a jail special there. He fucking bailed on us because he was getting sued by the president.

Keep going. You know. Sheriff Joe Arpaio. He was getting sued by the president? Yeah, yeah. Sheriff Joe Arpaio is the Kim Jong-un of sheriffs. That is true. He is a nightmare.

Where is he? He's in Arizona. Phoenix. Yeah, he makes everyone sleep outside. He's like, my jail's never too small because I can keep going

and keep putting people outside. Puts people in pink underwear and things like that and then he wakes them up every single morning with the sound of his own voice. He's just a terrible hero. Oh, he's that guy

that puts them in the pink stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scorpions and spiders in their beds. If you've ever seen the movie Machete, he is the character that Robert De Niro plays for the most part. He's a terrible, terrible man. Well, Joe Arpaio, he is known nationally,

and he actually came out and did a press release for this story. He said that 56-year-old James Allen Darling of Mount Vernon, Washington, was arrested Monday, October 26, following a month-long investigation. Darling allegedly contacted an undercover detective through a website to, quote, arrange for sexual liaisons with various farm animals in exchange for sex with his own personal dog. Out of all the problems happening in this country, violent crime is on the rise more than it has been in decades and decades.

He's doing a full month investigation, and this is not the first time they've done this. He has a whole pig fuck vice squad. I mean, it's crazy what he does when it comes to people and bestiality, and then he throws their pictures on his website and obviously these are individuals easily to be made fun of. I know we've talked about this on the show before and at the risk of ruining my whole life and career.

What is the real big problem with bestiality? It's gross and it's disgusting. It's literally gross and that's it. Think about this. Christianity is gross but that's okay. What they say is the gross. That's it. Think about this. Christianity is gross, but that's okay. It's a senseless soul. What they say is the animal cannot give

consent, therefore it is wrong. But what if the sheep looked at you? One at a time. Do you know how much of a catch it is for a horse to get to fuck a human woman? It's like fucking a dog. Look how sexy of a horse you have to be a human woman? It's like fucking a dog. Look how sexy of a horse you have

to be to upgrade species-wise. You're going to take that pleasure away from that fucking pimp daddy horse? If the animal comes, I feel like it's debatable. The animal shoots, shoots, shoots. Yeah, but if the animal comes, then it's like, who's going to jail? Why?

It got cummed out. Put him in the cell with the man who did it. What do you think, Eric? I think if it was a super intelligent animal, it'd be okay. Why? Because then it could give consent. Then it's not like a child or a retarded person. Then it's just a super

smart animal. Monkeys, they know sign language. They can say yes or no. Yeah, you can sign yes. Coco the gorilla. You could bang her for 20 grand. Hours of that. Well, now that I've been forced to take the position, I have to say we do not encourage bestiality here on the round table of gentlemen,

nor does CCR as a podcast network encourage such activity. Don't you speak for Cave Comedy Radio? Not everyone's your uncle, Marcus. We might support it. Yeah, you don't know our stance. I don't know where I stand. I'm off the show if everyone supports bestiality.

We'll talk about it at the council meeting. Oh, my God. Now we have a council meeting about it. Are there any laws about having sex with a Down syndrome person? Oh, see, that is a murky legal area. I think legally you have to. Oh, see, that is a murky legal area. I think legally you have to.

Do you know that if a really smart person makes love to a Down syndrome person just right, they become normal? They are normal already. Let's normalize Down syndrome. Yeah, so let's get out there. Let's start fucking. All right. Jesus Christ. The whole thing's derailed.

And I don't like the extension of animal fucking to the Down syndrome. It's not appropriate. Down syndrome is a slippery slope. It's a slippery fucking slope. It's not a slippery slope. That's all we're saying. If we forgot about Corky from Life Goes On. What about her? Him.

Corky. Life Goes On. I met him at a Rocky Rococo in 1998. Still my favorite celebrity sighting. That's cool. Great guy. What about him? Nice guy.

Oh, but what's up with Corky? You think he doesn't deserve sex? No, I'm just saying he doesn't deserve to be equipped. With a normal person? No. Sex with him does not need to be in the same argument of somebody who's banging a bunch of horses in Arizona. So if a Down syndrome kid is banging his balls with a hammer to jerk off, are you going to stop him?

No! You can never stop someone who's banging them. No gun, no foul. Yeah, why is that a problem, Ben? I mean, it's self-harm, but you know, if he's liking it,

where do you draw the line? What do the listeners say? They've checked out. They're over it. Yeah, do you want to... They're all rapists. Okay, whose opinion do you want to hear?

Lesser the Molester or Genghis Khan? Let's do Genghis Khan. Genghis Khan, what is he saying? He said fucking down syndrome people resets their chromosomes. Very similar to a J-book. He said my terrible joke, but better. Well, he's Genghis Khan. He'll do that.

Watch out, Genghis Khan. You might be working for Redacted tonight. He'll do that. Watch out, gang is cum. You might be working for Redacted tonight. Oh, my goodness. Send Lee Camp your resume. You can't cash the rubles every place, but where you can. No, but seriously, I think Artsy America is doing a lot of great work. I'm very proud of you on that. And I really like what we're doing.

It's some of the best comedies I've ever done in my entire career. So things are good. We're fucking happy for you, man. Nice, right? No, it's wonderful. Fucking John, your boy. and I really like what we're doing. It's some of the best comedies I've ever done in my entire career. So things are good. We're fucking happy for you, man. Nice, right? No, it's wonderful. Fucking John, your boy, I got a gig, you know? We love it. Yeah, it's great.

We're all very happy for you. You're the only reason I actually watch it, so how about that? I don't watch it. You do get paid by the... I've never seen it. Well, you know, we've only done 70 episodes. No big deal. It's weird to get paid by the Russians, though,

because you've got to cash in your paycheck in a radio flyer, you know, because the money is trash. Well, and whose fault is that, sanctions? Whose fault is that, flooding the market with natural gas and whatnot, not caring about the environment for geopolitical situations? This caviar is delicious. Well, back to the story to get a little bit more background on this.

The investigation that began in September culminated when Darlin made contact with an undercover detective posing as a farmer slash owner of several animals. I was hoping you were going to say posing as a horse. I was suspicious.

It was a two cop operation. as a horse. I was suspicious. It was a two cop operation inside the horse. Just clopping around. You can be the front of the horse when you start giving more tickets out. Hey mister, you look handsome. I'd ask to be put on a different

beep, but I'm always getting my dick sucked off. I love this fucking job. Shut up, horsey dick. According to the release, Darling asked to spend several days on the farmer's property solely for the purpose of having sex with various animals provided, including miniature horses, dogs, and goats. Authorities said Darling admitted to detectives on emails and in later phone calls

that the self-described married man had been having sex with his neighbors' horses, dogs, and sheep for some time. Well, that's where it becomes a crime, right? If somebody else has sex with your animal, right? I mean, if you're going to have sex, I mean, if you're the farmer, what's your reaction

when you find out your horse has been fucked by your neighbor? Do you keep it? I don't know. Yeah. You can't blame the victim. Yeah, you keep it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you keep it.

It's not the horse's fault. They're true. They're real nice, you know? But I think what everybody's missing here is the real criminal behavior of the NSA surveilling on those phone calls, man. You know what I mean? It was our pile. Knowing the ins and outs, time dates of when he was calling and talking on the phone.

I was just kidding, you guys. Jesus Christ. Of course he's listening. Oh, my God. He works for Russian television, Ed. We have Edward Snowden. You do? Oh, congrats.

Well, if he comes out, he's going to jail. That's a fact If it's sheep Sheep's dogs Or horses I'd say a sheep I'd have sex with Oh yeah

Sheep vaginas Are supposedly The closest to human vaginas Mark has been telling me For years Mark has been telling me That for years Yeah yeah yeah

I've been telling everybody That for years It makes sense Sweaters are nice I feel like maybe If Maybe if You can make it legal, if you can fuck it, but you also have to eat it out.

If you're willing to do that. If you're willing to put mouth on that. Yeah, you gotta want it. You gotta want it hard. What's weirder, putting your dick in a sheep's pussy or eating out a sheep's pussy? Eating out. Eating out, for sure.

Definitely. I'm sure it reeks. Let me ask you this. How sexy is this dog? Yeah, what breed of dog is this? It doesn't say what breed of dog it is. It's like, that's his thing. He's like, huh?

Golden Retriever, German Shepherd mix, maybe. They don't say male or female dog either. But it's not going to be like a sexy frou-frou dog. It's going to be like a farmer dog. Wait, how have all you guys pictured the dog in your head? Let's all say what type of dog we thought it was. Golden Retriever. Golden Retriever, German Shepherd mix.

Corgi. Ain't nothing but a hound dog. Good point, Holden. Sturdy, trimmed, black lab. Wiener dog, you guys. Oh, yeah. Now that's fucked up. You didn't pick a dog. Now, that should be illegal.

I'm not picking a dog. Pick a dog. I'm not going to pick a dog. Pick a dog. Pick a dog. If you don't pick a dog, it looks weird. If you don't pick a dog...

I thought a dog, dog the bounty hunter. That's who I want to be with. That's the worst one. Oh, come on. He's got a mullet and a bit of racism. I, uh... But why aren't they... I mean, this is ridiculous. He's got a mullet and a bit of racism.

But why aren't they... I mean, this is ridiculous. There's general pedophile rings out there. There's huge things that we need to be covering. Why are they so... The sting operation. A two-month-long sting operation. Darlin, who recently retired after working 23 years for UPS, also allegedly admitted to having sex with customers' animals

and stray dogs while on his roots. Oh, but did he deliver their package on time? Because if he delivered my package on time, I'd let you help my cat. He delivered the package. This is a good point, not broken or anything. Should we maybe get this guy some help? You know what I mean?

Is there any bestiality services out there? This will be, can we just say, this nightmare situation this man is about to go into. When he goes to prison, what are you in for? Tax evasion? Murder? Oh, it's already public knowledge. It's a big story over there, probably. This guy's fucked over.

He's done. Or probably he was a monster. He is. What happens to this guy? I mean, you've got to put him in solitary, right? People are going to beat the hell out of him. I mean, he's not even going in for bestiality. He's going in for conspiracy to commit bestiality.

Conspiracy? No one caught him. He can get off. What is it, Marcus? It's a class what felony? That makes it worse. A class six felony. It's a felony.

It's a class six felony. Conspiracy to have sex with an animal is a class six felony. Is class six worse than class one? No, class one's the worst. Okay. Is that like murder? Yeah, class one felon. Yeah, that's like murder.

And then it's like rape, and then it's like arson, and then it's fucking animals? I mean, I imagine there's more. Conspiracy to fuck animals. Right. So if you get murdered, your life is five degrees away important. For maybe fucking an animal. For maybe. Right.

Making plans. five degrees away, like important. For maybe fucking an animal. For maybe, right. Doesn't that, I mean, making plans. Not in defense of this man whatsoever, again, none of his actions. But what do you, so he's looking at massive prison time.

They got nothing on this guy. If they're putting him in for maybe fucking an animal, they got nothing. This guy should fucking, he's getting off. I love that was the actual charge. You are charged with maybe fucking an animal?

Okay. I didn't do it. I mean, class six felony, minimum six months in prison. Oh, yeah? Six months in prison is enough to get his ass kicked many, many times. Or murdered. There's no goats in prison. No one's going to fuck him, though.

I was just going to say the same thing. Yeah, he's got goat dick. Nobody's going to fuck him, just in case. You don't want to get sheep eggs. Yeah. Yeah. I was just going to say the same thing. He's got goat dick. Nobody's going to fuck him, just in case. You don't want to get sheep eggs. Yeah. Yeah. You know, dogs carry a lot of STDs that humans can't contract unless they have sex with dogs.

Really? Yeah, but dogs have all the STDs. They have a lot of them. But when a human fucks them, they get a lot of STDs that people don't know how to treat quite. And again, not something we encourage. Wait, and then can they spread that to other humans? I don't know. That's a good question. Owners beware. STDs among dogs can

spread to humans. That's on the blaze. That's how monkeys... Thank you, Mr. Beck. Let us not forget that monkeys gave us AIDS. Yes, let us not forget. Is that actually true? Oh, yeah. It was a green monkey in the middle of Africa that did it.

It was monkeys, but the band, the monkeys. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, ear aids. Hey, hey, we're the monkeys. People say we give other people A's. We're not monkeying around. The B-side's there. The lost album. Hey, we're the monkeys. People say. The B-side's there. The lost album.

Hey, we're the monkeys. People say we give other people A's. Have you guys thought about changing the lyrics just a little bit? What about the great producer they had? You guys want to just tweak that a little? I guess so. God, Glenn Beck, you guys want to be on TV, huh? I love it.

Yeah, we give people A's. Yeah, this sexually transmitted disease it's called brucellosis or maybe brucellosis I wonder who gave the disease

brucellosis brucellosis oh man yeah brucellosis it's actually dogs they can spread it

by licking you we have to worry about getting licked by dogs getting dog STDs I think they gotta lick you in your genitals, which is different than your face.

No, you can get a lip STD. My mouth is on my face. I thought dogs had clean mouths. What's going on? I thought the whole thing about the dog was that it was a cleaner mouth. It's a hundred times cleaner than a human. Yeah, that's why I use dogs to clean my house.

They do eat it. It's a great, great cleaning service. They're adorable. Man, this is... We just accept stuff like that. Yeah, dog's mouth, pig's mouth. A hundred times cleaner than a human, great cleaning service. They're adorable. Man, we just accept stuff like that. Yeah, dog's mouth, pig's mouth. 100 times cleaner than humans. All right.

Did you know that? I just saw it eating its own shit. Yep, cleaner than humans. That's what I've been told, and I say it, and it sounds kitschy. All right. Man, this fucking brucellosis has some great names. It's known as Crimean fever, Gib Gibraltar Fever, Bangs Disease, Malta Fever,

Maltese Fever, or Rock Fever. If you get an STD from a Maltese, that's on you. I'm sorry. That's sad. That's a tiny fucking dog. Oh, Malteses are so cute. They're wonderful little creatures, and they love their owner. I saw the cutest dog in the world this

week. They brought it out to, it was in washington square park it was wearing a little sweater and then i'm not even kidding around a group of like 40 people like gathered around and started taking it was there was a you put the picture on twitter i did and you made fun of the dog yeah he's got a big ego he was all sit up all cute and shit it was very cute dog yeah wow it seemed famous there was literally 40 people taking pictures of the dog. It was famous. Yeah? Yes.

I recognize the dog. What dog is it? It's like a TV dog. It was a little Pomeranian. It was a tiny Pomeranian. Yeah. How do you recognize the dog? What do you mean you recognize the dog?

He's a famous dog. Is it Boo? It's a famous Pomeranian dog. That wears dresses? Well, yeah. It'll wear whatever. It's a dog. It was a Christmas sweater.

Dressed like a stick of butter. Was it Boo? That's what my brother's husband went as. What's that? Was it Boo, the dog? It might have been Boo. I don't know. It might have been the meme dog.

Wait, not Boo the dog. Oh, Boo's famous. Yeah, Boo the dog is super famous. Boo's great. Let me see a picture of Boo. Yeah, Boo the Pomeranian. Whoops. Oh, there you go.

Is that it? Did you see Boo? That's it. That's it. Eddie, you saw Boo. You didn't even know that's it that's it Eddie you saw Boo you didn't even see him he saw Boo man I saw Boo yeah

it was a fucking cute dog ladies and gentlemen I do want to say this about Boo why is he so cute he gets the puppy cut so if you have a Pomeranian

get it the puppy cut puppy cuts are adorable it's got you know there's people everywhere just taking pictures of it yeah Boo looks like a stuffed animal.

It looks like a, you know, but it's human. Exactly. That's the whole point. Dude, that's fucking Boo, right? Look at this, Marcus. That's Boo. Show J-Fud. He's a reporter now. Yes, there was a Boo sighting in Washington Square Park. A number of people around taking pictures.

One disgruntled man couldn't help but make fun of the situation. He's broken inside. But took pictures anyway. But took pictures anyway. Yeah, Eddie. And has been talking about it for weeks. It is the highlight of his month. This is how things start.

Eddie's like, oh, 40 people were taking pictures. You took a picture. Oh, no. I knew I was contributing. I was going nuts. I couldn't believe how cute the dog was. Oh, he's so cute. What's he wearing, J-Pod?

He's wearing a boo-boo. I tell you what, I saw Yoko Ono moments before it. I could give a fuck. Who cares? I would rather hear Boo sing over Yoko Ono every single day of the year until I die. Yeah, I could see Boo breaking up the Beatles. Oh, absolutely. Out of cuteness.

If there is a dog that walks into this room that looks like Boo and he comes up in my lap and he doesn't like you holding the podcast, it's done. I'm always choosing the Pomeranian. And this is known as the Beatles of podcasts, so it would be a perfectly awesome analogy. Yes, we are, John. And you can find John on Russian television. You can find Ben on Fox News. That sounds like some sort of weird fucking punishment. And you can find John on Russian television. You can find Ben on Fox News. Yeah. That sounds like some sort of weird fucking punishment.

The cheese plates. We talked about it. But at least they pay you, right? I've been broken. One of these days. I mean, you're doing better than this darling fella. Oh, the dog fucker? I'm doing better than the man who crossed state lines to have sex with a horse?

Horses are sheep. Thank you. Miniature horses? Miniature horses. Oh, they're so cute. I feel like that's like child molestation. They're like the midgets of horses. Yeah, and by the way.

They barely complain when you throw them. This guy's dog was also seized and is being evaluated for sexual abuse. Aw! You know what? I bet it's perfectly fine. I bet it's not... It's just, you know,

because it was consensual. This is interesting. I don't know. So do you think this makes the dog have a much less likely adoption rate? Like, do you think someone's going to adopt a dog once they find out? Yeah. No, animal lovers.

If you have a dog who was raped and then a dog who wasn't, which one are you buying? I will tell you what. It depends on the people. I'm buying the fine one. No. You know what? There's a whole contingency of people there that are buying that raped dog because they're going to fucking make that dog good.

They go to the fucking shelter, they get the most fucked up dog, and then they feed their ego by making that dog somewhat okay. Every time I have a friend come up to me and say, I can't get rid of my motherfucking dog, I'm like, you need to put a sign on there that says raped. You will spin that

dog faster into someone else's home than you could believe. There's a whole section of the population that will fix a rescued animal in order not to have to work on their ego issues. They feel bad for the raped dog. I've heard of

dogs getting very far into elected into Senate. Is that right? Because they claim to rape on the dog. I think we're going to do some dark territory here. We've got to be careful. Oh, really, Holden? Where'd you hear that?

I'm not trying to sing our show. Oh, yeah, yeah. We've got the Holdenator here. I heard it on Fox News. Wouldn't doubt it. Wouldn't doubt it for a second. You wouldn't doubt that. What are they about?

What are they trying to do? Like, what version of America do they see panning out? Justice for dogs. That's all it's about. Can't trust a station with no Jews. I'll tell you that. It's a TV station. There's no Jews. On Fox? Fox News. It's run by Roger Ailes.

Ailes? That's not a Jewish name. Rupert Murdoch. He's not a Jew either. Who cares? But he looks old. I promise you. I promise you. All Jews just look old. No one likes the Jewish individuals more than the people at Fox News.

We just need to separate the Israeli state. I promise. God knows I'm trying to make fun of one of them. You're a great spokesperson. Ben, why can't we separate the Israeli state from the Jewish religion? Why is that all completely... We're not talking about it right now, Grapevine. We just did a whole hour and a half.

I was a lot more comfortable with this dog rape conversation than where we're going. Isn't that interesting? A lot of dogs, you bring far up the corporate ladder by screaming rape. I know. Gaza's an open-air prison. I'm just saying. Dogs should be... I literally have to's an open-air prison. I'm just saying. Dogs should be allowed to fuck dogs.

I literally have to If dogs want to fuck you, dogs should be allowed to fuck them. We need to figure out some kind of test. Could I charge rape on a dog if it tries to hop my leg?

You could. You could kill a dog. That's the reaction. That's the Fox News take right there. You can kill a dog for a new year. Blue Lives Matter.

You know what I mean? You can literally send... You can't hit it with a hammer, but you can make sure it gets killed. Oh, absolutely. Don't hit anything with a hammer. Just shoot it in the head. Alright, well that might be a problem there. It's on the Louisiana State flag.

Oh, I see. I didn't realize that. That is right. The little known image of the Louisiana state flag, just a gun to a dog's head. I like it. Don't hit it with a hammer. Shoot it in the head. Louisiana.

Don't paw on me. That's great. All right, so the story there. That was that. Yeah, yeah. Let's move on to witch news. It's the day after Halloween. Let us get spooky.

All saints today. Day of the dead. Wiccans have big tits. That's my thing. Today's day of the dead. Yeah, it's day of the dead. Grandparents Day. Day of the muerte.

It's also Grandparents Day. No, just day of the dead. A Salem, Massachusetts woman who calls herself a witch priestess is taking a self-proclaimed warlock to court over accusations of harassment. Lori Sforza, who runs a Salem witchcraft shop and leads a pagan church,

filed for court-ordered protection against harassment from Christian Day, whose website calls him the, quote, world's best-known warlock. I believe it. I mean, I heard of him. I just like that he's successful, you know? He's making money.

He's the world's best-known. Sforza accused Day of harassing her online and over the phone for three years. The two will meet in court on Wednesday. Day owns a cult shop in Salem in New Orleans, according to his website. His lawyer, though, says he lives in Louisiana. The 75-year-old Sforza accuses Day, 45, of repeatedly calling her late at night

from a private number and swearing at her. Sforza, who goes by the business name Lori Bruno, also alleges Day made malicious posts about her on social media. Well, you've been studying magic lately, Marcus. Is this some form of spellery? It's a nerd fight. This is just a nerd fight.

No, no, no. If he was trying to do spellery, it would be... What would he be doing to try to destroy her? He would probably be doing some sort of ritual in private. Would coming on pieces of paper be involved? If he is a chaos magician, then yes, Holden, it would be involved. But more than likely, this man walks the right hand path. So wait, there's magicians?

You guys were legit talking about that sub-genre right there, weren't you? There's magicians and there's chaos magicians? What's that? Magicians and there's chaos magicians? Oh, that? Magicians and there's chaos magicians? Oh, yeah. There's right hand path. There's the hermetic order of the golden dog.

I guess we're going to plug last podcast on the left right now because they just did a how many part series? Two part right hand path. Left hand path comes out on Wednesday.

But yes, chaos magic. You can find out all about that in our third series on magic. Oh, fuck. Also called coming on pieces of paper.

That is involved sometimes. And then a lot of those two monsters that aren't Ben Kissel on the last podcast on the left eat the stuff.

Whoa! No. You came in here, you went to the bathroom, you don't even know what we're talking about. No, he's correct. You ate cum?

One time. You guys never ate your own cum? What? No one. This is right, Eddie. This is why when I come in and I start talking, things happen. Marcus.

You did it for research. I settled for paper. No, I was like a teenager or something and I was curious. I was like, oh, I wonder what it tastes like. I was like, oh, that's fine. It's kind of bread. I drank my own piss before. It's fine. Yeah, there you go. We're on the same page over here. I acknowledge that that's fine. Amber, shoot it in the before. It's fine. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amber's, Amber's, we're on the same page over here.

Amber, Amber. I acknowledge that that's fine. Amber, shoot it in the head. It's great. Wait, did you say in that story that she's 75 years old? She's 75, he's 45. That's weird. So it's not.

So you tasted it. You didn't have like a spoonful. No, no, no, no. It was just kind of like a dab and a dunk. Did you feel magical? No, no, no, no. It was just kind of like a dab in a dunk. Did you feel magical? No, I felt dirty. That's the magic. That's the left

hand path. Yeah, that's the path. Because you treated your body like you were creating a dunkaroo, which was a great treat, but that was sugar. Was there a kangaroo graham cracker involved? Marcus, I'm not going to leave you hanging here. I've tasted my own cum. I'm not a weirdo.

You fucking prudes. I smelled it close up. Holden's never drank bottles. It smells different than it tastes, surprisingly enough. Holden, you've drank bottles of your own cum. Get over yourself.

I might run from air one day, so I'm not going to say Surprisingly enough, yeah. Holden, you've drank bottles of your own cum. Get over yourself. Get over yourself. I might run for mayor one day. So I'm not going to say this right now. Holden only takes his own cum anally. I want a cum. Let's do it. 2018, Holden McNeely, he's never eaten his own cum. DeBlasio, you're on watch.

DeBlasio, you're on watch. You've been warned. Holden McNeely running solely on the platform that he's never eaten his own cum. You've got my vote. You have my support and I'm 100% in your corner. Honestly, I'd probably rather be a mayor of a small town. So I wouldn't have to do much and I could just kind of cause shenanigans and stuff.

I want to be a prankster mayor, you know? First mayor prank. First mayor prank, set fire to the churches. Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Great prank. Mayor, you just got maired.

You just got maired. Never ate my own cup. Burn, baby, burn. That's mine. Yeah, Eddie went with a bucket of water over the door as a mayor, which is much nicer than holding... Over the door. Burning down the churches.

How long are you going to wait until your second prank? Until my second prank? Day after And what's that going to be? Day after set fire to the office building So you're going to burn the town down I'm going to be called Arkanoid

The first thing you have to do though is change the law That arson instead is called pranking And then you'll be just fine Especially if you run on a pranking platform. I thought he was running on the platform that he did in his own semen. That's a sub-platform.

You've got to come out with that round two. I'm going to set this whole town on fire and then step two I have never eaten my own cum in order to do that. Is a political... If a political candidate, if you really agree with their opinions and policy ideas, but you know that they guzzle their own cum,

is that a deal breaker for you? There you go. It's not a deal breaker. No. I honestly don't care. Absolutely not, no. Yeah, that's good. I would definitely prefer they didn't. Yeah.

Are they better at policy because they guzzle their own cum? Right. There's special answers. Wait, Amber, you drink your own piss. What's the story with that? Yeah, we kind of glossed over that one. I fucked up a bit. We just left that hanging.

That was on purpose. Oh, yeah, Amber drank her own piss. It's fine. We don't need to explore it. Right? Yeah, yeah. Marcus goes, right? You never explore it?

You never experiment with anything? Jayfawn, is there any chance we can get Roundtable on Russian television? How could it not be? I mean, it's made for it. Right? I feel like the people would love it. We just got to assemble an AK-47, then you can get on TV, right? No, you ever watch those Russian children assemble and disassemble those guns real fast?

Oh, yeah. Ooh, baby. They're good. All right, so piss. Yeah, how was piss? Oh, yeah, I just pissed in a mason jar, and I was like, I wonder what it tasted like. Indoors or outdoors? It was indoors.

Alone or in front of a bunch of people? What is that? I mean, Jesus Christ. Okay, so what was the experience? Wait, hours ago, weeks ago, months ago? How old were you? When I was like 12, you know. Oh, you were young.

You pissed in a jar and you tasted. You know, who cares? Sleepover party? Huh cares Sleepover party Huh Sleepover party No by myself Alone Always Yeah one time

Why didn't you just Go to the bathroom Just go to the bathroom Yeah Who cares How much did you drink A big sip I ate a big sip

Yeah And what did you It's like the beginning Of fucking Waterworld We all have seen that movie Yeah One of the greatest Summer blockbusters ever I'd rather have my own piss Than my own cum What the fuck is wrong with you The beginning of fucking Waterworld. We all have seen that movie. The greatest movies.

I'd rather have my own piss than my own cum. What the fuck is wrong with you? I'd much rather drink my own piss. Why are you so scared of sex, Ed? Why are you so scared of sex? I'm not scared of sex. Ed, would you rather be forced to watch Waterworld for 24 hours straight

or take a tiny taste of your cum? I don't mind. Waterworld's fine.. I like Waterworld. Fine. A year of Waterworld. A year. You have to watch it. Eric, you were saying

Eric, everybody's got a price. Everybody's got a price. Vladimir Putin's taught you well. Jay Fod. Eric, you're saying? Oh, I was just saying

that drinking your own piss is a choice. Yeah. You're right. That is true. And by the way, yeah, Lester the Molester pointed out piss is sterile, so you're fine. What does it taste like? It's very thick.

Really? Yeah, it was salty. Thick flavored? Well, it was like a thick thing because also I wasn't drinking a lot of water at the time. Oh. So maybe you actually needed it like Bear does, the survivor man. Yeah, yeah. Like Kevin Costner.

Were you like partying at 12? Partying? No, no, no. I was very nerdy. You know, I was just kind of... You were like a science guy

I started drinking alcohol at 12. Yeah, me too. And I went into and I was at the veterinarian the other day and there was a 12-year-old there and I couldn't believe

how young 12 years old is. Yeah. I mean, it's nuts to think that that's when we started. I was drinking whiskey at 12. Yeah, I was doing bottles of whiskey. Yeah. I had a sip one time, and I didn't like it, and I waited again until I was 16.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I think that's a good age to start. Yeah, yeah. That's good. It's weird to see a 12-year-old alcoholic. It's tough. You don't have a job yet. Why are you drinking?

Yeah, they're stressed, though. It's tough to be alive. I started making booze at 13 with a friend of mine. What was that kind of booze? It was apple cider. We would take a big jug of apple cider and we'd add baking yeast to it, and then we'd put a balloon on top of it

because it would carbonate and the gas would release. Yeah. So it would make like and then we would use cheesecloth to filter out the yeast afterwards. Like over a weekend, it would make really, and then we would use cheesecloth to filter out the yeast afterwards. Like over a weekend, it would make really great carbonated hard apple cider. And may I ask a follow up? Where were you imprisoned and what was your cellmate's name? That's exactly how you make prison hooch.

My friend's name was Mickey. Interesting. Yeah. Named after the drug or? No, no. I guess Michael now. But like, yeah, good booze. Is he fucked up?

Oh, yeah. Have you tried it since? How do you in college? I made it again. How did it hold up? Yeah, it's great. You take some vinegar. You put it in a bottle.

No, no. Amber's got a project cider. And then we would actually once we got bare at it, heat it up with brown sugar to get more sugar in there to ferment, and then we funnel it back into the container. But then once you add baking yeast, which anyone can buy at any age, it would automatically ferment and carbonate over the weekend, and it was really good.

Really? If you are young and you are listening to the podcast, we don't endorse that. Again, you're speaking for the podcast. Instead, go fucking animal. There you go. I endorse it. Get drunk, youngins.

Actually, that Cave Comedy Radio does not endorse the underage. Get loaded, baby. But if you're smart enough to figure out how to do the balloon shit, such as Eric did, if you're 12, fucking have a glass. You work for it. If you earn it like that, I feel like anybody... Or just dig a little deeper and make meth.

There's only a few more steps. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or put a nail through a frog's head. You can do a whole series of things. Or you can crucify a frog to signal the ending of the second aeon. That's what you said? Oh, is that... Is that why you hate frogs?

Oh, I've got a whole bunch of reasons for hating frogs. They haunt me. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Yep. No, frogs are interesting characters. All right, so... What? They are!

You're being PC about frogs now I am I'm very politically correct I'm king political correctness here at Cave Comedy Radio we support frogs we are firmly anti-toad

don't speak for the podcast I'm not speaking for the podcast I'm speaking for Cave Comedy Radio as station manager. Oh. Next. All right. We just threw

the SM out. Yeah, threw the SM out there. Wait, do you hate frogs or do you not hate frogs? I hate toads. Frogs I'm okay with.

What's the difference? Toads are bumpy and nasty and fucking they're big and they're just fucking awful creatures. Toads are shitheads and frogs are cool kids. There you go. Toads will bite you, and fucking, they're big and they're just fucking awful creatures. Toads are shitheads and frogs are cool kids.

There you go. Toads will bite you, man. Yeah, toads will. They have teeth? Marcus. No, they'll bite. What happened with toads, Marcus? I spent a lot of time killing them as a child.

Me too. Right. Right. He was just mean. He's like a Vietnam veteran, how they talk about Asians and Japanese and the North Koreans. And now you resent them for how they make you feel bad about how you killed them? I resent them because they started haunting me after I ate frog legs. See, I've eaten frog legs on three separate occasions.

Oh, they're great. I know, they're delicious. I love them. But on three separate occasions, I've eaten frog great. I know, they're delicious. I love them. But on three separate occasions, I've eaten frog legs, and all three times I woke up in the middle of the night having horrible frog hallucinations. Because you killed all

those toads as a child. Possibly. I killed toads as a child as well. In college, in college, I went back I visited my dad. He got a cat. the cat started coughing up a hairball I thought

it coughed up the still living front half of a toad that was dragging itself across the floor like wounded like wounded vet style you should have drawn

a little finish line like six inches in front of it take a picture I had to take it out to the driveway and smash it with a rock while crying. Eric, you're a good man.

The killing toads. You're a sweet guy. Marcus, I want you to think about that as you fall asleep tonight. Isn't that interesting? So the toad survived inside of your cat's stomach almost like, what is it, the whale? Frogs can survive through quite a bit. The biblical story, the whale.

Who was it with the whale? Jonah and the whale. So this frog was sort of a Jonah type character. Well, is it surviving or is it just its neurons flashing and it keeps moving? Yeah, it's the thing.

It could just be the muscle reaction. It didn't have eyes at that point. I think if it's actually dragging itself, that's one thing. But if it's just convulsing. No, it was moving. It was pulling. I remember back in college, one time I was

getting my hair cut in the backyard, as you do in Florida. There was a bunch of squirrels getting tossed out of a tree by a possum. A bunch of baby squirrels. A possum was tossing them out? Like a fucking piece of shit. I hate possums. I hate possums.

Picking up a squirrel with its stupid possum hands and throwing it on the ground like a fucking piece of shit. I hate possums. I hate possums. Really? Like picking up a squirrel with its stupid possum hands and throwing it on the ground like a piece of shit. I hate it. It was literally what the possum was doing. And then we saw after two, we're like,

what the fuck's falling out of the tree? And then we see the possum throw a squirrel and then threw two more. And then fucking, we had to go, like we go

and the squirrels are all kind of living still. And it was a fucking nightmare. And then me and my buddy Byron, we had to like draw straws to see who would have to kill the squirrels are all kind of living still. And it was a fucking nightmare. And me and my buddy Byron, we had to draw straws to see who would have to kill the squirrels. Because we killed them with a dumbbell. He ended up killing them. I won the straw pulling. So the raccoon...

Possum. The possum threw it from the trees and then you animals finished off the squirrels. They were dead. They were toast, man. They were babies, too. Mercy killing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were babies, too. Mercy killing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 25-pound dumbbell.

What is the story with possums? What's their fucking... Why are they such pricks? What's their fucking story? I thought the possum was a good creature. It's the garbage collector. Absolutely not. No, no, no.

You know, I never knew they were also called opossums. You cannot say that on Cave Comedy Radio. I don't know. I'm pro-possum. I broke my chair, though. I've got to get a new chair.

We're pretty indifferent. You deserve it, possum lover. We're pretty indifferent as far as possums go here at Cave Comedy Radio. I never knew opossum was an option for what they're called. Yeah, but you're actually supposed to call them opossum. Opossum is the proper word. I resent that they have an O apostrophe and I have an O apostrophe in my name, too. Oh, damn.

Oh, yeah. That's a tough way to live your life, Johnny. It is. It is. Actually, there is no apostrophe. Never mind. Take it back. It's just opossum.

Opossum. Yeah. Opossum. Opossum. Damn. Yeah. Fuck you, opossum. What do you guys think?

Chris Codino in the chat, he said, opossums are fine. Raccoons are monsters. Yeah. Oh, but raccoons are cute. They got, like, little human hands. Don't they have thumbs? Yeah. And they got raccoons... They got like little human hands. Don't they have thumbs? Yeah, and they got little pouches. They're marsupials.

Yeah. And they steal stuff and they look like old-timey robbers. Yeah. One time my mom was like... She always killed fish in front of me. Just cause? Not to eat or anything.

Yeah, not to eat. We're going to eat them. We're going to eat or anything Yeah not to eat No we're gonna eat him We're gonna eat him And we're like She killed No I keep flopping around And shit And then she killed a fish

And told me what What it meant to be A gay man And I watched the fish Die and crumble In front of me And her just being like It's just when two men

Have intercourse And I saw like The fish's eye Bleep up and down And like it's body Interesting story Okay no okay So That is an interesting story So wait wait So who is Two men have intercourse. And I saw the fish's eye bleep up and down in its body. Interesting story. Okay, no, okay. That is an interesting story.

Wait, wait, so who is... What? What is... My brother was gay. He just came out of the closet. Right, right, right, right. But what is... The metaphor is the gay sex, the dying of the fish.

She needed to kill something when she found out her son was gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was like, look, this painful, terrible thing that's happening is what happens if you're gay and how? No, I'd always seen it. I just always seen it. It's just one day she explained what gay people were. She slapped it against the counter? Is that how she killed it?

She would just cut his head off right there. Oh, okay. Yeah. Much like the gays do. Oh, she's telling you this separately while killing? Yeah, just like totally. Oh, she wasn't using it separately while killing? Yeah, just like totally. Oh, she wasn't using it as like an example.

Oh, so she's doing it like a film, where she's like, if you know what the gays are. And that's what they do in John F. O'Donnell's Mother Russia to the gays. Okay, in Bill O'Reilly dot comville, where fucking Ben Kissel is living, where he's got one finger up Hannity's ass, and then he's jerking off Kennedy with his right hand. She's jerking off? Okay, all right.

Shlicking out, let's say. Let me ask you this. Remember, did your mom's vitriolic anti-gay rhetoric ever get into your brain and fuck with you? No, I love gays, But she's come to terms with loving gays. But at the beginning it was difficult for her. It's a bad South we came

out of. It's a dirty, filthy, stinking rotten South. If my kid came out as gay I would just be so happy he's not Holden. That's the thing. What a curse. That's the thing.

They'll never be me. They'll never be me. Oh, no, my son came out Holden. That's the most encouraging thing we could possibly say. He'll never be Holden. That's the thing, and I can never go home and be like, Mom, Dad, I'm not me anymore. I'll never be able to say that.

What is it about having to be heterosexual that makes Holden Holden? What is it about being heterosexual? Yeah, because a Holden can't be gay. No. It stems from Mommy. I'd make him shoot too hard.

You know what I'm saying? I think that I would have dynamic abilities. Right. And I don't think... Only a woman could take the shoot of a whole... Please. No, but he's saying that he would be able to make the men shoot.

Make the men shoot. Too hard. With a look in their eyes. That's the thing. What's the thing? Just too good. I'm good. I'd be really good at clubbing if I were a guy.

Yeah. Interesting. Very good clubber. Clubbing as in going out late at night or killing fish? Just destroying seals. I'm good. I'd be really good at clubbing if I were gay. Yeah. Interesting. Very good clubber. Clubbing as in going out late at night or killing fish? Just destroying seals. I'd be destroying seals' brains. All right, Marcus. Because I would be gay and like in a different country, you know?

I'd be gay. When did they club seals? Alaska. Yeah, I'd be a gay Eskimo. What if you're like, hey, you want to go clubbing to like a young boy and then you bought a flight to alaska you're like you're not dressed appropriately for this at all fun serial killer that would make yeah um all right so should we do another news story yeah let's do one more a 55 year old danish man was sentenced to seven years in prison on Wednesday for ending

his older brother's life by shoving potatoes down his throat. Wow. A drunken fight between two brothers in Northern Jutland left the elder brother... It's not a real place. Where is this? Is it America? I guess the Netherlands. That's where the Danes are, right?

Yeah. Yeah, Northern Jutland. 600,000 people speak Danish. You guys ever as a comedian know you're not supposed to do it because the podcast has moved on, but you have a perfect joke for the button from the thing before it. Do you have to do it and interrupt Marcus? Yeah, do it.

Do it now. Have fun. I'll just edit it out later. All right, perfect. Holden, when you're going to take the young boy clubbing, you're going to be like, oh, we're going to go clubbing. What kind of music are they going to play? Oh, they're going to play Seal. oh, we're going to go clubbing. What kind of music are they going to play? Oh, they're going to play Seal.

Boom. That was it? That was it. Oh, no. We've got to edit that out. That has to be edited out. I'm going to leave it in as punishment. Holy Lord.

Here's the thing. The whole thing's falling apart. What's wrong with you? Why are you trying to take down America, J-Fod? Here's the thing. You're doing more damage to America by contributing to this establishment of bullshit media than I can ever possibly do.

November 11th, I'll be on Fox News' Red Eye. November 21st, I'll be on Greg Gutfeld's show. November 20th, I'll be at Caroline's Live with the entire redacted tonight. Oh, my God.

Anyway, I couldn't focus on the next story. I love watching two evil people fight. What did he say? Evil people, he said. Evil, yeah. He called us evil. I'm full of compassion and love all I know

there is nothing more evil than the man who believes he is doing good alright let's move on hope you have a fucking tote nightmare tonight you piece of shit go drink your own piss Amber don't wish it J-Fa don't wish it upon Marcus he will have one Hitler was like I'm nailing this

exactly alright dude Sean Perlman Hitler joke best, I'm nailing this. Yeah, exactly. Alright. Dude, Sean Perlman Hitler joke, best thing I've ever heard in my life. He goes, did you guys know that Hitler was an artist? Oh, and also he painted. That was a funny Russian television bit. You're on Fox News, dude. I would rather fucking be on Pol Pot

TV. Well, you are on Pol Pot TV, so you're living the dream. You're on fucking Pol Pot TV. Well, you are on Pol Pot TV, so you're living the dream. You're on fucking Pol Pot TV. God. You're on Pol Pot TV. No, you are. You are.

You are. Okay. Well, it doesn't matter. We're not playing your reindeer games, Ed. Don't separate us. No, okay. So we're in the middle of a news story. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pop-up TV. Danish. Oh, come on now. Huge credit. 55-year-old Danish man killed his brother, shoving potatoes down his throat. They were in northern Jutland. The drunken fight between two brothers left the elder brother dead and the younger one facing seven years behind bars.

Local newspaper Nerdjask reported that the 55-year-old younger brother was acquitted of manslaughter but found guilty of violence causing death for a fight that occurred in November of last year. Isn't that murder? Guilty of a violence causing death? Guilty of violence causing death? Isn't that murder? We call it second degree murder here in the United States. Okay. Where was this again?

Netherlands? This is in the Netherlands. You were just trying to fight him. You weren't trying to kill him. But he died. I see. Your hands are too big and stupid. You hit him. Right, right, right. But that does happen. You hear stories where somebody will get into a fist fight and the guy has a concussion. Or like Nicolas Cage in Con Air.

Yeah. He went away, but he got into a fight. But it was in the Netherlands. It would have been violence of causing death for a fight. Manslaughter. It's pretty much another way of saying manslaughter. Right. Pretty much.

But he got seven years. But in the incident, both men had been drinking. When a fight broke out, prosecutors said that the younger man killed his 57-year-old brother by strangling him and shoving potatoes down his throat. How many potatoes? Yeah, and what size? I think it just takes one. Red potatoes?

But plural. I'm impressed. He keeps going plural on this. That has to be frustrating to shove potatoes down a man's throat, but he keeps eating them. Why won't you die? Was this mostly strangling and then a little potato was involved? I feel like that's the case.

I think so. The younger brother also reportedly punched the elder repeatedly in the head and neck. The 55-year-old called an ambulance to say that his brother was lying unconscious in their shared house, and rescue personnel arrived to find the elder dead with a potato lodged in his windpipe. 57 and 55 doesn't necessarily, you know, you don't need elder and non-elder.

Just brothers is fine. Yeah, I agree. Oh, I see what you're saying. They're just finding a clever way to write the story to say like, oh, the elder and the younger instead of saying 57 and 55. And they're living together so life isn't good no definitely he's got potatoes he makes

potatoes every night he's like I don't like potatoes everyone likes potatoes fuck you I work hard for these potatoes yeah what do you think Holden what do you think the origin was what was the potato fight specifically um I think one of them was a green man and the of them was a green man

and the other one was a red man. He was like, I think all men should be red. And the green man said, I think all men should be green. It's an allegory for racism in America, Ben. If you don't want to accept this, then I'm going to have to sing it to the world.

Well, then sing it. Red man, green man. you can't believe the man. It's a Nellie Gray phrase. Eat your potatoes. Eat your potatoes. Were they Irish? No, they were Dutch. He was Dutch.

Dutch! God damn it. How many times do we have to say where they are from? They're Dutch. They're from the Netherlands. They weren't firemen. You don't read Nerd and Jice magazine, man? Get your shit together.

Did it say two police officers throw potatoes at each other? No. No. That's the Irish taser. Yeah. Throw a potato at him. Take potatoes. That's a lot. Yeah, why not?

So a younger brother killed an older brother by shoving potatoes down his throat. Oh, what did he want? And I do have the count. Two potatoes. Two potatoes. One potato. One potato. Two potatoes.

And I bet he's going to get a lesser prison sentence than a nonviolent drug offense in America. What the fuck does Fox News know about that? A lot, as a matter of fact. I'm addressing that issue on Red Eye November 11th. And then, of course, the Greg Gutfeld show on November 21st. And November 11th is also when you can rent Trainwreck on Apple TV. I don't know why I'm plugging it, but I'm doing it. And you can watch Redacted tonight

on YouTube anytime you want. Dot com slash redacted. I believe it is a $6 subscription. I'll just say you down. Well, the defendant, the guy who allegedly killed his brother, he said in court that his brother had either gotten two potatoes stuck in his

throat by accident or had attempted to kill himself as a result of the fight. Via potato suffocation? Self-suffocation with potato. You should be allowed to kill your brother, though, right? Potato side. Yeah, you should. Why is the government, why is the state?

I think you can't murder him, but if you fight him to death, it should be fine. I agree. I think so, too. The Cain and Abel law. So that was murder. No, we'll call it the Cain and Abel law. So that was murder. No, we'll call it the Cain and Abel law though.

No, they were fighting. Cain was fighting with Abel. They both wanted to bang their mother. He smashed a rock on his head. Yeah, he smashed a rock on his head because Cain gave fruit

and Abel gave sheep. God liked the sheep more. Cain got jealous, smashed him in the rock. You're telling me that's not a fight? Yeah, no, but if you punch your brother in the face

and he falls and his head hits a coffee table, you should be able to be fine. By the way, the entire world, if you do take Genesis, if you take Genesis literally, we are all products of unbelievable amounts of incest. Yeah, twice. Yeah. Yeah, because first with Adam and Eve,

and then again with Noah and his various dealings. And God knows what our pariah would say with Noah when he goes and has a fun escapade with one of those cows he had on the ark. Yeah. So what's up with this, like, God liked the sheep more than he liked fruit? I like fruit. Yeah, I know you like fruit, but would you rather have a piece of fruit or a nice lamb chop?

To fuck. But yeah. He was fucking the sheep. You ever had shawarma? You should also be thankful that somebody gave you something. Would you rather have a piece of fruit or a nice lamb chop? To fuck. But yeah. You ever had shawarma? You should also be thankful that somebody gave you something. What the fuck is up with God? That he's like, it's like coming to a house party and you're like, I brought some hummus. And the host is like, you should have brought hummus with garlic on it.

They probably should have. Well, fuck you. Noah couldn't have had all the animals in the world on his boat. Because fish. You're an idiot, Ed. I just don't even care anymore. No in the world on his boat because fish. You're an idiot, Ed. I just don't even care anymore. No, you're not. You're not an idiot. That was a joke.

All right. Ed just fucking tore it all to pieces, man. Holy shit, dude. Yeah, no one's heard of a fishbowl, Ed. No one's heard of a fucking aquarium, Ed. All the Bible's just burnt on the earth. The revolution of consciousness is upon us, man. It's big. I don No, it's a fucking aquarium. Out the window. All the Bibles just burnt on the earth. The revolution of consciousness is upon us, man. It's big.

I don't know. I just like to ask questions. That's a good point. I just like to ask a question. All right, so the brother's dead. Yeah, but fuck God for turning Cain and Abel against each other via sheep and fruit. You know what I mean? He's the asshole.

Good point. They're trying to impress him. They clearly want to impress him. Oh, God did so much fucked up shit. Yeah, it's the same dude that made what's his name? Job just fuck up his entire life just so he could prove that Job still loved him.

And he makes gay people. Yeah. Okay. We have to get to a segment here. I know. It's tough to tell because you are paid by a man who imprisons gays. Who, Roger Ailes?

Vladimir Putin. I'm paid by TNR Productions. It's a completely different entity. It doesn't matter. So God gave rock and roll to us, according to Gene Simmons from Kiss. And that's the most important thing. And according to Neil Young, it's never going to die. All right, so should we do a segment?

Let's go. We have a segment for Omanili. Hey, happy birthday to me. Nope. Not me. My girlfriend. It's Lexi's birthday. This Saturday, November 7th.

November 11th is when you can rent Trainwreck. So you can't get her that because I'm going to do that when it's available for rent. I'm only going to pay $6. I'm not going to buy it for $20 on Apple TV, which is very good to get. I believe an Apple TV box goes around $50. I support that. You support

Apple. I love Apple products. You need the help. Very good to me. Down with Windows. Boo Windows. So anywho. It's good to have. Down with windows. Boo windows. So anywho. It's good to have a cause. Yeah. Fuck windows.

Fuck windows. Windows should be raped. They're doing so terrible there, Apple. The Windows Do Segment. What kind of windows and how would you do it? It's an abstract concept. It's like Picasso had painted a picture on it. It's an abstract rape.

Some people say the eyes are the windows of the soul. Dude. The segment is we're getting her a gift. I don't know what to get her. I'm a bad boyfriend. I need friends

to help me get her a gift. All right? You got to come up with a gift that you're going to get her. All right? Then I'm going to get her. I got something.

But it's like a legit thing. We're not going to start with you. We're going to, I think, start right here with J-Fud. Are you ready to do this? Yeah, man. Clearly. Let's do it.

You get her a whole bunch of different types of liquids and substances, right? Like all different textures, maybe some Jell-O type stuff, maybe like a pudding option, all sorts of stuff. Edible things. Edible things or not edible. Mud, whatever, right? Okay. And then all you do

is you bring them all into the house, right? And she sees all these barrels of mud and stuff. And then she's like, what is this? You go, oh, you got to come outside and see. And then you just have a kiddie pool out there and let her just do whatever she wants. Oh, okay.

That's kind of fun. So kiddie pool is going to set me back a little bit. Yeah. I'm sorry you didn't say a $20 YouTube subscription to Redacted Tonight because you have to pay

$20 to watch the show. Interesting. Why are you big up an apple and then like making people think it's harder to watch my show which there's no subscription for that show.

But you should subscribe. You have to click like three links just to get to it. Ben, what do we go with? Hold it, hold it, hold it. Can I ask a question real quick? Yes. How much money are we spending? What's the money

we tapped out at? What's the budget? You know what? I'm going to say sky's the limit. It's not, but it's not about if you just say, oh, give her a bunch of diamonds. Lexi's not like that. She wants thought. She wants consideration.

$50 is better than $20, and it changes when I can figure it out. Okay, I'm going to set the limit at $250. Okay. Which is the price of a Wii U, but I already know she won't let me get that for her. What about a... That would be for you? Because that would be for us. What about a sword?

I'm going to change mine to a sword. Just get her a sword. Get her a sword. Can I set the sword on fire? Of course. Yes. You can set the sword on fire. Fantastic.

Get her a sword and then a reason to have a sword. My gift would be a gift that keeps on giving. It's actually free. You get a different apartment and you move out and you never talk to her again. Priceless. Yeah, it'll be perfect. Her life will be great and she'll find somebody who was unredacted tonight.

I'll fuck your girlfriend for her birthday. I charge $250. Oh no, it's free. Oh god damn it. Alright, $250. $250 it is for J-Fud. $50 more than I usually charge. What a gift. What a gift I've given her.

How long have you been together? You asked that ominously, but I will answer four years. Four years. Four whole years. I should know her better at this point to get her a gift myself. I'm going to stick to the sword thing. Four years close to five, that'd be wood. A wooden sword.

Whittle it. It's not that hard. Into a shiv sort of situation. Four years, that's the year of the shiv. What Chinese restaurant have you been reading? Placement? Have you been reading?

Enjoy. I like that you said give her a reason to have the sword. So I'm going to also say because I think what I should do is have like hire a guy

to pretend to be a ninja and come in and like wake her up in the middle of the night and threaten her and then jump out of the window real fast, right? That's exactly what

Woody Harrelson's character did in Kingpin so he didn't have to pay rent. Yeah, right? That's exactly what Woody Harrelson's character did in Kingpin, so he didn't have to pay rent. Yeah, so then it's like she thinks she needs the sword to protect herself from sort of the ninja figure. And she has to sleep next to the sword. I like that. Yeah.

Is there some way you can do that same scenario, but with the Nintendo Wii? Oh, a Wii U. Wii U, so it's a little different. Yeah, it's a little different. It's better. All right, I'm going to pitch a few. Fucking nerds, I don't fucking know.

You said a $250 limit. I'm going to pitch a couple things to go in the $250. Can't be a Wii U. Can't be Mario Maker. No, no, no. I would pitch, and this is legit, but I would pitch, there's some company called Food World, I don't know, but you pay $100 and then every month she will get snacks

sent to you guys from around the world that you can't get in a bodega in New York or whatever. Like some real legit snacks. I forget the fucking website. But she can get that. And I would both say. I think it's giverfuckers.com. Giverfuckers.com.

Snack of the month club. Snack of the month club. That. And you should also go to. Both of you go to the Russian bathhouse. And both get a massage and go in the steam room and spend a whole day, have a cocktail or two, take her out, because that's a good time for both of you.

Like, it's great. And also give her AIDS. Okay. That's great. Which is free. Because then I can help her through that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm saying the WeWorld, the snacks around the world every month for the rest of the,

you know, for the year. Okay. She gets snacks around the world every month for the rest of the year. Okay. She gets snacks around the world. Brush and bathhouse one day. And AIDS. Okay. That's it. That's a good birthday.

I love it. What a gift. What a gift. That's a good birthday. It cannot be Metal Gear 5. I already have that for myself. So if she wanted to play that, she could, but she doesn't. For some reason. She doesn't want to play it.

You guys are in a good relationship. I think the fact that you want to show commitment. You know, at this point. Her relationship is 7.5 out of 10. But at this point, though, after four years you're living together, it's shitting it off the pot. So you want to show that you want to stay with her. No, he's making an analogy for marriage. Don't take a shit and get off the pot and just show her the shit.

Take a shit or dump her. Either way, there's some dumping. And what I want you to do is I want you to make an investment for the future. And I don't think we should get a dog or anything like that. What I think we should get is we get a big old freezer.

She loves dogs. We get a freezer. We're going to get a big old freezer and we're going to get a whole bunch of dead dogs. And we're going to put them in the freezer. Dead dogs are much cheaper. You have no idea how much she hates that. Wait, I'm not done.

It's got to be really good here. You have no idea how much she will hate that, but keep going. She sounds like a weirdo to me. She loves dogs. She does love dogs. She does not like dead dogs. Freezer, a whole bunch of dead dogs. I talked to Lex. She loves dogs. She does love dogs. She does not like dead dogs. Freezer, a whole bunch of dead dogs. I talked to Lexi solely about dogs.

You can get so many more dead dogs, you can get live dogs for $2.50. Or I'd get live ones. Let him freeze to death. This might be the worst you've ever done, Ed. I am fucking so down with this, man. I'm playing to Marcus. It's for Holden.

I don't choose. Marcus has to actually say something. Yeah. All right, well, then you get all the dead dogs. You put them in the freezer. What happens next, man? You call the cops and the guy would kill all the dogs, and you fucking capture a dog killer for her.

Okay. Oh, my God. All right. Well, it was an attempt at speaking. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You frame a guy Do I call the cops on myself Some people

Like a gift That is made for them Rather than Something that is You just proposed A freezer full of dead dogs Like a macaroni necklace But Ed

Wait wait wait You break into somebody's house And put it in their freezer No no no You gotta get the freezer too There's maybe one thing That would make Lexi

Leave me forever What It would be a freezer Full of dead dogs You don't understand It would be a freezer Full of one dead dog get the freezer too. There's maybe one thing that would make Lexi leave me forever. What? It would be a freezer full of dead dogs. You don't understand. It would be a freezer full of one dead dog. It's the evidence.

You can't get rid of the evidence or the dog killer's going to walk free. You would put a half a dog in the freezer and I would argue that freezer was full of a dog. It was a dog murderer

for Lexi's birthday. I don't understand. But if he puts the dogs in his own freezer, we have to frame somebody. Well, yeah. Well, no. The person he buys them from, he just turns them into the cops. He puts the dogs in his own freezer. You have to frame somebody. Well, yeah. Well, no. The person he buys them from, he just turns them into the cops.

He wears a wire. But he's the one who bought the goddamn dogs. It's a good plot for a fucking thriller or something. It's not a good plot for a thriller. If you're a dog boy, man. How does he find the guy that has the dead dogs? I don't understand that at all. You hire somebody to kill dogs.

Enough is a rough. Enough is a rough. Enough is a rough. Enough is a rough, you big fat piece of shit. Was that all about enough is a rough? Was that all? Has it all been this whole night? Oh, my God. Has it been about enough is a rough, Ed?

Is this why you told me to come in here? Has it all been about enough is a rough? All right. I can't handle that. I can't live in a world where it's all been about enough is a rough. I can't. Fuck you, man. I like that world.

It's all been a plug for Russian television. Fuck you, man. I like that world. It's all been a plug for Russian television. Before we dash into tonight is a great new reality show called Enough is a Rough. Enough is a Rough. Check it out. It's the lead and delete camp show. Enough is a Rough.

Jay Files the King. Okay. Enough is a Rough with this fucking like RT America thing. Okay? Yeah. Listen to me. Clearly you're hemorrhaging guilt for the fact that you, what are you, you hooked up with Kennedy, man? Yeah. Listen to me. Clearly, you're hemorrhaging guilt for the fact that you... What are you...

Are you hooked up with Kennedy, man? No, I... Jesus Christ. Enough is enough. Enough is enough. All right. Marcus. Marcus.

What are we doing here? What does this all mean about enough is enough? A rare situation. Marcus also has to give his submission. Honestly, all you have to say is new Chihuahua or baby boy or girl. What is your loofah situation at home?

We have one. I do not use it. I like soap right on the hand. I like it all natural. Bar soap or liquid soap? She likes to get me soaps. On my first birthday, she got me a bag of personal hygiene products.

That is not a joke. No, it's a really sad statement about your hygiene. Yeah, it's a suggestion. That is the female equivalent. That is honestly the female equivalent of you getting her a Wii U. Use this or I'm leaving you. Right, exactly. And they're good. That's fucking hilarious. I've got an exfoliant, like, kind of

thing that I use on my face now. I've got a different kind of, we have a big jug with the spray thing of just, like, the normal soap. I'm putting so many soaps on myself at this point. You might as well change my name to Soap Fucker. Might as well.

But that's not why we're here, Marcus. We're here for you to give me the fucking idea for a good gift. And right now the ideas have been so piss poor. My idea is the best leap.

Wooden sword is on the top right now. Beat wooden sword. Big bucket of snakes. She hates snakes. She absolutely hates snakes. Enough is a rough. Enough is a rough. A wooden sword won.

Wait, wait, wait. Enough is a rough. Do I get to fuck her or is that still part of it? What is that? $250. It's still part of it, yeah. All right. Bergstrom somehow gets it. Yeah.

Thank God. Snakes and dead dogs may be the two worst things she hates the most. You're stopping the man who kills the dog. She'll figure it out, Ed. It's a bucket of snakes. What about my kiddie pool, lady's choice of liquid. I mean, fuck.

If she sees a picture of a fake snake, she freaks out. All right. I went to the pudding once, and I saw somebody do a flash. And this was in the early 2000s. So I don't know. Pre-911 or post-911? Pre-911. The show must be done. That was some early 2000s. Very early 2000s. We-9-11. The show must be done.

That's some early 2000s. We're out of this. Early 2000s. It has to be 2000 or 2001 right before September. Up until September. You had about 18 months. It's still like a year and a half.

That's 18 months. Anyway, leave her. She should leave you. Anyway, so exciting. That's been this episode of the Roundtable of Joy. She should leave you. So exciting. So that's been this episode of the Roundtable. Eric Bergstrom is the big winner. Eric, big speech. Oh, what do I get? Nothing. Big speech. Congratulations

on her birthday and being together. give her back the soap she gave you maybe, I don't know. That's a good idea, Eric, and then call Holden Fett know. That's a good idea, Eric. And then call Holden. Or get her a new loofah. Yeah. She likes his Epsom salt baths. Eric Bergstrom, how fat is Holden? Oh, very, very fat. All right. Roger, love and life,

though. All right, Amber Nelson. Find Amber Nelson on Twitter at Amber Smelson. Fuck yeah. And anything you want to plug? I got Amber Smelson on a fucking website. I bought the domain name. It was not taken yet.

I can't believe that. I can't believe it. I met someone with the last name Smelson. Yeah, Alex. Yeah, no, it's weird. Smelson? Yeah, Smelson. His last name's Smelson.

Aren't last names originated by a former occupation that the grandfather had or something like that? Was there a Smelson. His last name's Smelson. Aren't his last names originated by a former occupation that the grandfather had or something like that? Was there a Smelson? I mean, that sounds like the son of Smell. I mean, that seems like the man's job was to be a sommelier. Sounds like a Jew. I got something to plug your fucking mom. What do you have to plug my mom, Holden?

My loving mother, who has been married for 30 years. It's in there. You got Holden. 69, 59 on the PlayStation. With a capital six. Find Ed Larson on Twitter at EddieTunes underscore. You're doing very well on Twitter, and you can see Boo. I'm doing anything on it. You're doing very well on Twitter, and you can see Boo. I'm doing anything on it.

You're doing very well on Twitter. One tweet a week I'm averaging. One tweet? Do a little bit more than that, then. Because you're working, that's why. I don't like doing it. Just tweet. Just send it out.

It's just texting to the world. No, I'm with you. Just wait until there's something strong, and then put it out. It's just a text to the world. His hands or his fingers are too fat for the modern self. Turns out I'm right, man. Boo is a great dog. Boo is a fucking superstar

and I'm lucky to be here in its presence. I can't believe you said Boo. It's great because I was there with Jeff and no one gave a fuck that he was there. Everyone was like,

that big attention to Boo with his cute dog. If you have a Pomeranian, give it a puppy cut. Puppy cuts are the cutest of all the cuts all right so Marcus Parks

you can be found at Marcus Parks on Twitter and I also have to say I just saw today there's been an at Holden underscore McNeely

created on Twitter really it was just created seven hours ago Julia John 69 J-O-N 69 that's not you right yeah and that's not me I'm gonna set that Twitter up tomorrow It was just created seven hours ago. And this is Julia John, J-O-N, 69.

That's not you, right? Yeah, and that's not me. I'm going to set that Twitter up tomorrow. Are you? I said I'd do it last week, so I guess I got to do it. November 1st. You can still do it tonight and not miss your deadline. Nah, I'm going to go home.

I'm going to eat. I'm going to chill with my girl. I'm not setting up any fucking shit. Julia John, 69, coming at you tomorrow on Twitter. She's making chicken and veggies. Chicken and veggies. She is so desperate for you to lose weight. So desperate.

That's great. And JFod, honestly, where can people find you? On Twitter, it's attherealjfod, J-F-O-D. And yeah, every Friday night, Redacted Tonight. You can watch it on YouTube, youtube.com slash redactedtonight. November 20th. Bit of a subscription situation. You can watch it on YouTube. YouTube.com slash Redacted Tonight, November 20th. Bit of a subscription situation. Stop it!

No, that isn't. How do we have a subscription? All honesty. We've had a great top, had a great roundtable with JFod. Support that show. And we all agree, put it into your arsenal of information. Once free if you fill out a survey. That's right. No, you'll pick up new pieces of information when you watch it.

And Bergstrom, where are you at? Just Twitter handle, Eric underscore Bergstrom. Rock and roll. Perfect. How's the cancer going? Oh, real bloated with cancer. Awesome. Great.

Love it. I'm at Ben Kissel. Marcus Parks is at Marcus Parks on Twitter. And then we've got the Facebook group there, Roundtable of Gentlemen. Oh, Wednesday. We've got the Come on Down the Creek in the Cave. We're doing a show for Eric. That's right.

I actually do have cancer. No, no. That was a mean spirit of joke. That's why everyone said, Ben, get off the show, you know. No. Wednesday, a night of, what is it, 100 and some people? 100 one-liners. Yeah, it's just going to be a benefit here at the Creek in the Cave, 8 p.m.

This Wednesday, I believe that's November 4th. And we're all going to be a benefit here at the Creek in the Cave, 8 p.m. this Wednesday. I believe that's November 4th. And we're all going to be there. Yeah. I'm going to send something in via satellite. Satellite? I might skip it. Can you get Putin to do something?

I've been working on it. Yeah, good. Send him an email. We want him to get money. He's too busy crushing ice. I'm just kidding. Shooting. Shirtlessly riding horses. Awesome.

So this Wednesday, let's all meet right here at the Creek in the Cave, November 4th. It's going to be super fun. We're all going to get super drunk. It'll be for a great benefit, a great reason, and I can't wait for it. Come down here, man. Bring a lady. Get laid, man. And if you are a lady who is single, please, God, let me know.

And you're smart, too. I would love that. So let's do that. I'm alone. Are you? What a great pitch. Always alone. Always alone.

Just the better. Me knocking down Ben's door. Yeah, way to use my cancer to get laid. Oh, Eric, leave it alone. You did. I can't even use my cancer to get laid. What do you mean? Have you tried hard

though? I've used it to insult women. Does that count? Well, that does get you off. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening. Let's get out of here. Good night, everybody.