The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 266: Ben Eats A Bug

Episode Date: November 11, 2015

This week on Round Table: A prison mouse is caught muling drugs, bad people give booze to babies and monkeys, and we compare huge-dicked celebrities. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, Seena Jon, and Natalie Jean!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Civility. So, Eddie, we have to start the show. And you have to pray. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Glitz and Glamour, folks. It's the Roundtable of the

Year Awards. I have the envelope in my hand. Are those Jewish stars? It's the nomination. Why are there Jewish. I have the envelope in my hand. Are those Jewish stars? It's the nominations. Why are there Jewish stars on the envelope? I put a pentagram and a Jewish star. You equate these two? My two favorite religions.

Satanism and Judaism? Those are the best two combined because both of them together run Hollywood. That's a good point. They work together so well. That's why they both look the same. I'm opening the envelope for the nominations. We don't know when... He wrote that.

All right. So when were the nominations voted for? No, these are the... They were voted for months ago. Oh. You can't vote... Yeah, that was months ago. Well, it started months ago, and we ended it last night.

So do we have to give a little bit of back... You actually printed this out? Yeah, I printed it out. You haven't printed anything in a decade. I don't even know how you got an envelope. You literally fill out job applications on Looseleaf and send it in. But you printed this out. I haven't tried to get a job in years.

All right. Round table of the year. Now, Michael Che has won, what, three or four years in a row? He's won four. He's four for four. He's doing great. He's the champion. This is like the rings. He's doing great. He's the champion. This is like the rings of a tree, how you can tell their age.

This is how you can tell Roundtable's age. It's Thanksgiving time. Can I actually just say the fact that Che has not appeared once on Roundtable in 2015? I was going to say, has he been on? It's his essence. It's still in God. I guess we know who's going to get fucking nominated this year. His Instagram essence.

The 2015 Roundtable of the Year Award nominations. I'm against all of them. The nominations. We don't know who won yet. We don't know. We're going to stretch this out over weeks. Okay. Oh, thank God.

Very good. I really was hoping. Is this just the nominations? Is that who won? This is just the nominations. It's a big day. It's a big day. You wake up early.

You put on CBS. You got the Bradley Cooper and some other girl. Yeah, yeah. The Bradley Cooper Awards. We're doing this at 930 at night, and you're doing it. Ed Larson, fifth nomination. If Marcus Parks doesn't get a nod, I'm not voting this year. Who has to get a nod?

Marcus needs a nod. It is truly an honor to be nominated for a fifth time. Who nominated? Andrew Short, third nomination. Third nomination. Right, right. He's very good on this show. Two white people.

Very small amounts. We got a new one. First nomination, Jackie Zabrowski. Oh, my God. She's a woman, so still white. Okay, I guess I believe in the awards this year, but I do have to say I have quite a platform, and I'm going to start it later on today.

What's your platform? First bullet point. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. Thank you, guys. I've joined the Black Panthers. Oh, wow. We have a Black Panthers candidate.

I have a black turtleneck on. I've got a nice long black coat. Kevin, thank you. My name is Snake Jehoshaphat. And I just wanted to say I want to be thanked. You joined the Zed Poets Society, not the Black Panthers. The crazy thing is

I disagree with your beliefs now. No, you can't. You can't. Where's your fucking beret? What were you thanking Kevin for exactly? For all of it. Michael Che is also nominated. He stuck in this year. It was close. Well, hopefully, Michael Che is also nominated.

He stuck in this year. It was close. Well, hopefully, the first two years he won, he appeared. Then the third year, he sent a video. And then the fourth year, I think he sent a phone call. So maybe he'll tweet it. No, he had his assistant make a video for him. How nice of him. Yes.

Wow. He did film it, but his assistant appeared in it. I see. Busy guy. Can I accept the nomination for Che? No. Go ahead. You can accept it. Speaking for Michael Che, accept the nomination. He's got to wear cool

tennis shoes when you do it. That's the thing. He's got so many fun shoes, man. No, he has more hats than shoes. And the final nomination goes out to Miss Amber Nelson. It's me! It's her fourth nomination. That's so good.

That's great. If anybody wants this, we can all sign it. I won't sign it. I want to burn it. All right, so this is the round table of gentlemen that was supposed to be a prayer. Oh, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. I pray that I win this year. I'm fucking sick of this.

Well, write your name into a computer and hit print on the goddamn printer, and then whatever that... My fifth year, fucking, I'm so close. You'll win it, Eddie, I promise. All right, so Ed Larson, he is here ruining everything. No, I'm just kidding.

It's very good to have awards. Haltonators, oh! Whoa, whoa, I'm just kidding. It's very good to have awards. Haldnators! Whoa! Hell yeah. Tim and Holly are a couple of twat waffles. Kbab69 has boner breath and Mickey Mouse, and that S is a number five on PlayStation

Network, is a piece of shit. And I'm Holder McNeely signing off. I'm not speaking for the rest of the episode. Holy Christ. I don't feel funny tonight. I'm Holden McNeely signing off. I'm not speaking for the rest of the episode. Holy Christ. I don't feel funny tonight. I'm too happy. That's great. Kevin, you're here.

Yeah, I'm here, man. I'm happy for Holden. For once in my life. That's great. You guys are both doing really, really well. Holden filmed a Taco Bell commercial that will be online, and you signed a deal for a television show that's going to be on TV. Different levels of success.

Smell the bell. I just made another $20,000. You got $20,000 for that? Just now. Oh my God. Just now. I love it. From the brighter side,

just a great friend and a great man, Cena John is here. Hey, great to be here. If I had better things to do, I'd be doing them right now. But this is good to be here with good friends. It's an indictment of yourself. Yes, it really is, isn't it?

Isn't that sad? Henry Zabrowski. Heroes Reborn Thursdays on NBC. No one is watching it. The ratings are amazing. No one's watching Heroes? Henry yelled that at a bus today. Got to do the grassroots campaign. Check it out. Watching heroes Henry yelled that at a bus today got to

Check it out. You don't know whose dick and tits are gonna be out this week, and I tell you whose it are It's the little Chinese girl Then she'll have blocky breasts cuz those video game graphics are a busy yeah, yeah very pixely game graphics are abysmal. Yeah, yeah. Very pixely. Yeah, yeah. What, are they playing on a PlayStation 1? What weird, though, is when I first met her, she bowed deeply and handed me a tiny cookie and opened it up and had a little strip of paper and it said,

Hey, hey, go fuck yourself. That's the sign of Henry tanking his career. I love it. I love the Chinese. Watch Heroes Reborn. Go ahead and just give it a go with your eyes. I'll tell you what, maybe Kevin will let you audition for his show. Can I audition, Kevin?

Well, hold it now with your extensive resume of your Taco Bell web commercial. Maybe you could audition. All right, fine, Kevin. I'll come out and audition for the fucking show. Man, how did you get one Taco Bell commercial? Don't know how to act. Kevin, now that you have your own television show, do they send the yarmulke in the mail, or is that like, do you have to go purchase it?

Jackie, you're here. You're drinking a gin fizzy. You're jizzy. How is it? It's great. I just got it all over my jeggings. I know. Now my really soft pants are my really soft wet pants.

You got jizzy all over your jeggings. It's a matter of time for that anyway. Yeah, they were wet. Obviously, Iizzy all over your jackets. It was just a matter of time for that anyway. Yeah, they were wet. Obviously, I'm Ben Kissel. We got Amber Nelson is with us.

Oh, yeah. From the brighter side. Hi, hello, internet and aliens. I hope the aliens

listen to this 50 years from now when we're all dead and they remember us. Perfect. And stunt woman extraordinaire, Natalie Jean is with us as well.

Hello. We only get 50 more years? I don't know. I'm very drunk and I'm just sort of saying things and I can't hear myself, so I don't know the impact of what I'm doing. It's going to be a good show. That's great. Think first, Amber.

Think first, talk second. That's what I always say but never do. All right. Oh, I want to say this. I told you I had a big announcement. Destination Extra Large, it's a clothing company for people that happen to be big. Can I be a model? No, but they have requested me to appear in front of them, and I will be possibly the

new face of Destination Extra Large. Whoa. Possibly. Who are they? Where do they send you? They're a big, fat clothing company for big people who are fat. I never heard of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where do they sell it? They're a big fat clothing company for big people who are fat. I never heard of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where do they sell it? Is it Ross? Is it like a Ross paid for lots company? You'll hear about it when I'm a new spokesperson. Casual male XL? No, no, no. Casual male XL is a little tougher. Not your little class here.

Oh, they have big stores. Look at the size of this. It's DXL. That's a fake store. That's a cartoon store. Those windows are... I think someone's trying to trick you. I don't think that you guys are understanding

how important this opportunity could be for me and the tall community. You understand catfish by a clothing company. This literally is fun for everyone. Did you get the job because of the tall or because of the stomach? It's big and tall, not big or tall. So is that going to be you?

Would that be you in the main thing? I would be the building. You would be the tall guy? Yes. No, he's the two-story man. Slogan, what are we saying? Destination Extra Large, where you're always at home despite the fact that people think you're weird looking.

All right, perfect. Nailed it. Thank you so much. It did really good. Cut that down for digital. Cut that down. No, destination. Longer than smell the bell.

Try to get it down to three words. Okay. Well, what their actual, their slogan is, where men's apparel begins at XL. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is great. That is great. That literally means.

I kind of just want to hang there. No smalls or mediums in that store. Not even any larges. Legitimately, our clothes start at fat. Big. That's where you go find a husband. Yes, definitely. For ladies.

They should put a bar in there and a donut shop. Oh, that's a nice joke, Amber. The scam you're about to fall for literally is done to 18-year-old women in L.A. like every single day. Yeah, I'm an A-cup. I am very insecure. It's perfect. Will you show your cock if they ask you? Absolutely.

All right. So, Marcus, we got some news stories. You said the whole show. What's that? You show your cock. Yes. Marcus, you're here, and we do have a news story. Let's get to it, and we'll continue talking.

Officials at a Brazilian prison said they captured a trained mouse used by prisoners to shuttle drugs and other contraband between cells at the facility. It's the Green Mile. Mr. Jangles. Oh, my God, Mr. Bojangles. He combats a lot. Oh, my God, I love Mr. Bojangles. You're going to take Mr. Bojangles to the mouse's circus?

Oh, my God, the tears Mr. Bojangles. You're going to take Mr. Bojangles to the mouse's circus? Oh, my God. The tears when he stepped on that mouse. You give me that mouse. You give me the mouse. Okay, this is what I want to ask. Henry, you have something to say? Oh, no. I was just going to also jump in.

As the mouse? Are you going to do the John Coffey impersonation? Yeah, yeah. Give it to us. Give it to us. My name's John Coffey. It's like the to us. Give it to us. My name's John Coffey. It's like the drink, but not the same.

Not the same. Thank you. That was great. Kevin, is that good enough for the show? You brought him back to life, Michael Clark, not bad. What I want to know is this.

Bojangles, I was speaking with Marcus before the show, and he adamantly defends the song. I thought it was a racial reference. I thought it was a little bit of a racist term. Not at all, Mr. Bojangles. But am I completely wrong? It's a Jerry Jeff Walker song. I know, but for some show, and he adamantly defends the song. I thought it was a racial reference. I thought it was a little bit of a racist term. Not at all, Mr. Bojangles.

But am I completely wrong? It's a Jerry Jeff Walker song. I know, but for some reason, I thought it was tied back to the blackface era and things like that. No, not at all. Did you not think so, Cena? I don't judge. Well, that's not an answer.

Nitty gritty dirt band. Mr. Bojangles. There's all types of wonderful things associated with Bojangles as a name, man. Okay. All types of lovely things. Delicious chicken. Biscuits with blueberries in them. Fuck yeah.

I thought Bojangles was like a shaky knees dance that like bellhops did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how they get tips. All right, good. I'm happy to clear that up. Bojangle jangle. That is not racist. That is racist.

No, that's racist. Bojangles doesn't keep that's racist It's Christmasy PC please What? Jingle jangle Jingle bells It sounds like Elvin Slade Jingle bells

Jingle bells It's James Don't throw ice Eddie Oh boss Mr. Boss You need me to do The jingle jangle again It was two problems

One that you were saying Jingle jangle And two that you were yelling it It just sounded so... All right, so this adorable mouse. And what a sweet story this is for prisoners. They have a pet mouse, and they're putting it to work. And the mouse, it seemed to follow directions fairly well.

Yeah, the tiny trafficker was spotted running through a prison corridor with bags of drugs tied to its tail. Oh, like a little... Not a Canadian drug mule. What would that look like? I don't know. I don't understand. I would say the story only becomes racist

if the mouse is brown. Yeah, that's a good point. Of course the mouse is brown. What do you think, it's a white mouse? Yeah. Gray mouse. Gray mouse is very popular.

It's a little gray mouse. It's a gray mouse. Oh, it's not racist. Not racist. But how cute is that? If you're in print, this is like a Walt Disney story to some degree, right? Well, if you watch Orange is the New Black, they actually use a cockroach as a mule.

And when they release the cockroach, in this case the mouse, is it just luck? Is it like prison Plinko? No. When you throw the puck down and it lands in a random slot? So you're like, oh, I hope I see the mouse today if you're in your cell? They should have just shoved the drugs up its ass Wouldn't kill the mouse a tiny bit. It's a tiny thing Four ounce mouse do you know it's tail is that what they're doing? Yeah?

It was a coke and weed In order to train us what you do is if it does the right thing is that you go and you get the mouse to pop up on your knees. You could do cheese. Another thing you can do is to pick it up on its side

while it's prone on its prone side with its belly up. Make it kiss your dick. You lick its little dick. You go like, you give it a little mouse blowjob. Or make it kiss your dick

and then it's like, oh, it's like it's cheese. Like it's salt lick. Because it's like yogurt. So especially if you crust, like if the holes crust it over. You lost me. Mouse you crust, like if the hole's crusted over. You lost me.

Mouse likes salt. Yeah. What's the question, Jackie? Like, you know when you don't clean yourself properly and your dick hole gets crusted over with gum? No, I don't think that that ever happens. Doesn't that happen? You don't ever go in with like a toothpick and like chip away at it? Oh, it doesn't.

Is this what Doug does? No, no, you chip away at it. I said chip away at it. Yeah, it's called an Indian pound puppy. Yeah. I have heard that, actually. Make it in a musket. Isn't that racist?

I think that's it. Well, you don't know which Indian he's talking about, so it's fine. You just can't call a man who works at a 7-Eleven an Indian pound puppy. Yeah. Unless you're beating the shit out of him. Yeah. All right. Who do you like to be a Pound Puppy?

No reason to do that to a great employee. It's the turtleneck. Yeah. Your Black Panther's new outlook on life is making you a little bit more violent. That might not be good for the cause. No, no, no. It's fun, though. Violence is good.

Yeah, it's jouncy. Yeah, it's just, yeah, it's jouncy. Yeah, it's good. Do you say the word jouncy? Yeah, you know, it's like jouncy. You're just making a gesture and acting like jouncy's a word. I just imagine that's what it'd sound like if my fat were hitting each other, and it'd be like, oh, this is jouncy. Like, that's what the fat says.

I have to accept that. Jouncy's clearly a pedophile's nickname. Let's move on. Let's move on. Let's move on. All right, Marcus, what's happened to this mouse? Is he getting sentenced? Well, no, the guards have kind of turned him into a little pet. He's tame enough for them to just kind of stroke him on the head a little bit.

He's got a gun on him already. And again, I'd like to say if he was brown, he probably would have been treated a lot different. But he's gray. That means he's biracial. Yep. Good point, Henry. Like Lisa Bonet. Her skin's like gray. Don't look at me.

Everyone's just staring at me. She's not biracial. She's the whitest little kid alive. Lisa Bonet is... Oh, I was thinking of John Bonet. That's why I was like, what are you talking about? The blonde girls?

Yeah. The ransom note? Yeah, yeah. She is biracial. She's half white, half ghost. Jackie, you're accustomed to Henry

talking about dead little white girls, but occasionally he does talk about other women. I do. I do. Is there a basement that she's in as a slave right now?

Oh, they definitely found her. Yeah, yeah. She was turned into a human Christmas ornament. There's a great last podcast on the left episode about it. If you haven't listened to it, go over there and check it out. You'll learn a lot about the terrible tale of JonBenet Ramsey. Here's my question. Was her body fucked after she was dead?

And can DNA exist to determine it? Listen to the episode. Let's just say she didn't die by chocolate. You know what I mean? It wasn't death by chocolate. That's where I want to go. Death by strangulation. You're on the episode. Let's just say she didn't die by chocolate. You know what I mean? It wasn't death by chocolate. That's where I want to go. Death by strangulation. You're on the way.

Thank you so much. Maybe do a brighter side on death by chocolate, Amber. Is Destination XXXL just going to be in a tent because they can't all get in? They can't fit through the door. That's a joke about size, huh? Isn't that fun? Hell yeah. Aren't those funny to say to people who are of a different size than you are?

Man. It's just as the spokesperson for Destination Extra Large. Extra, extra large. I thought it was just XL. No, it's Extra, extra large. So it starts at XL? No, it starts at XL, but it's Destination Extra, extra large. DSX. The tag? No, it starts at XL, but its destination is extra, extra large. DSX.

The tagline for that is pants that cars can also wear. That's true. That is actually true. And that's a compliment. Shouldn't they get DMX to be the spokesman? Oh, what a good idea. He's really in shape now, I thought. He's not fat.

He's not fat? DMX can't get fat. I thought he was fat. I saw him ranting and raving in a CVS on a YouTube video. For some reason in my mind, I'm projecting fat onto him. No, DMX is super ripped. They should get Jared Fogle after he molests kids now and now he's gained some weight. He's got his titties back for real.

Let's just say he's stress eating. Yeah, do you think he's able to get... This is the test of a diet right here. If he can get past this, he can get past anything. This is gonna be my cheat day. Now, is he in jail or is he

doing a sermon next Sunday? Jared Fogle? Yeah. Was it a priest bit? I just saw a spotlight, man. I'm fucking in on it. I can't not think of anything else. Oh, I see. Priests are having sex with a bunch of kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now it's the subway pitch man that's doing it because no one likes religion anymore. We like food in this country.

That's our God. Everybody's fucking kids. People have been fucking kids for a long time. I don't agree with it. Since before God. Yeah, since before God, people have been fucking kids. The Illuminati likes to fuck little boys. All right.

And they have, like, parties. You know. Yeah, I know. Just sit in this. Perfect, Dan. I love it. All right. And they have, like, parties. You know. Yeah, I know. Just sit in this. Perfect, Dan. I love it. All right. All right, so this poor mouse.

Now, the prison guards have befriended the mouse. So if you're a prisoner, this used to be your one and only, you know, true friend, this mouse, who used to give all of your drugs and was a great delivery person. This has got to be terrible to watch the enemy, which in the prison is the prison guards, to the prisoner. It must be upsetting to watch them play with the mouse, huh? Well, this is my question. How was the mouse found? Did the mouse accidentally go to the police?

Is this mouse a fucking narc? No, the mouse wasn't fast enough. They tied too much drugs to his tail. Yeah, yeah. He had 29 little packets of cocaine and 29 little packets of weed tied to his tail. Of course he was moving slow. Yeah. How could you even see the mouse under all that?

What a strong mouse. I love it. Well, you're not looking for the mouse anymore. You're looking for the blow yeah, exactly. That's true moving Stops to make yeah, yeah busy day for the mouse I just feel like they did the same shit like you know like Rick James house like back of the day He's like check out the goddamn mouse And my best friend and my drug dealer. I like that they're involving

mice in our monetary money system and they're just like, well, you know, we'll make it work and then they should train more mices. This is the next

Kickstarter campaign. I think they're called mice. I feel like everything I'm saying is just horrible. It's fun though. It's fun. It's like walking out on a plank

and seeing the ocean in front of you And you just fucking You just get pushed I'm fucked Kevin what should they do with the mouse? I just feel like this is a story of wasted potential man Every time this is what happens You know

We got one good one And then these fucking pigs get them Yeah man He's right That's where we're at. It's unbelievable. What they should do is that with all their time, they should make a little backpack for the rat

and then call it their rat pack. He's got a rat pack. Well, they got to get a rat now because the mouse is fucking caught. Rat pack. Because the rat's bigger and he'd be able to carry more drugs. I don't understand why you use a mouse.

They need to find two mice and then have them breed. And then they just start a mice farm. Yeah, but then you're molesting the mice to have four sex. You're not making the mice fuck. If you put two mice in a room, they're going to fuck. I don't know if that's true. You put two people in a room, they're going to fuck.

If long enough, they're in the room. I don't know long enough they're in the room. I don't know. Long enough they're in the room. I don't know long enough they're in the room. I don't know. Long enough they're in the room. Yeah, but human beings also build skyscrapers. Mice don't build skyscrapers. That's why they fuck each other in the room immediately. If a bunch of construction workers...

That's what Ben Carson said. When you go to jail, that's why when guys go to jail, they become gay when they come out because that's what happens. They become gay when they're in there, and then they're straight when they're out. Gay in the middle. Once you taste it, it is good. when they come out because that's what happens. They come in when they're in there and then they're straight when they're out. That's the fun part. Stay in the middle. Once you taste it, it is good.

Yeah, Cena? Haven't you ever seen American Me? American Me? Yeah, yeah. No, I never saw it. When he gets out of jail, he can't have sex when women are looking him in the eyes. He always has to do it from behind.

Cool. Oh, isn't that fun? Yeah, don't look at me. Don't look at me. Yeah, that's what he screams at. Yeah, but that's fun. It's terrifying. But he didn't choose to go with men. He went back to women, but then he just did it like behind. Cool. Oh, isn't that fun? Yeah, don't look at me. Don't look at me. Yeah, that's what he screams at. Yeah, but that's fun. It's terrifying. But he didn't choose to go with men.

He went back to women, but then he just did it like they were men. He just likes their attitudes better. Huh. No, you just gotta draw the nipples on their butts. That's right, or on their backs maybe. Yeah, yeah, then it's like they're having sex with the breasts.

Yeah, think about how jouncy the nipples will look when you're banging a man from behind. When you're banging a man from behind. Good point. Cena liked it, so fuck all y'all. I like it behind. Sina liked it. So fuck all y'all. I'm just tired. I like how my parents had me.

Easy to brace? No, I come here. I'm in the butt. It'll get there eventually. She has to throw it up first and then eat it again. Oh, God. Damn. That's horrible.

All right. Jackie won that one. Yeah. Sorry. I, God. Damn. That's horrible. All right. Jackie won that one. Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry. Love a good butt boob. That's great, Jackie. Good point.

I'm sorry. Is she going to ferret? Ew. I feel like the whole point is that there's not a lot of crevices that are large in prisons. They try to keep people in there, believe it or not. I think it has to be a small creature. They can fit into a lot of things, but the problem is

ferrets got too many opinions. Ferrets? What's a ferret opinion? Chatterbox. I don't want to be subjugated. They don't eat much shit. Ferrets don't like to... They're real mean.

They're real fuckers, and they stink. They're shitheads. Fucking hate a ferret. They should get a man, like a human. Yeah, get a human to do it. He's got a big old asshole.

You can put a bunch of shit in there. But he's got to go door to door, though. He pressed him as a fucking mailman. I don't know. Get a human. Oh, that's cool. Then they got to reach into his butt to get the drugs all the time. That's how it's done normally.

So why change tradition? Hypnotize the warden. You say, oh, it's a show, right? Johnny Cash is coming. Or or somebody's not fucking dead. Somebody's not fucking. Preferably. Lonnie Anderson. Preferably.

Yes, a hypnotist. But you say, oh, it's a musician, right? Disguise the country guitar, yeah. Disguise is a country musician. Edward McCain. Yeah, yeah. I got hypnotized at a county fair one time. It was a lot of fun.

I was a chicken on stage. It was sick. That's the thing. Was there a hypnotist involved or was this something you just did? He was a chicken on stage. It was sick. That's the thing. Was there a hypnotist involved? He was a hypnotist. He picked me because I was a young, pretty lady. I also fell for the whole thing. Did you actually get hypnotized though?

No. I was just kind of like, wouldn't it be fun if I was a chicken right now? He's like, be a chicken. I was like, wouldn't it be fun if I was the chicken? People are like, you were so hypnotized. No, I was like playing along with a joke. That's great. That's kind of hypnotism. Yeah. That is hypnotism.

That's acting. That's all hypnotism is. That's what acting is. That's the performance of acting is that, you know, someone tells you you're a fucking general of an army. You put on a suit. You can hypnotize girls to have an O. Yeah? How do you do that? Yeah. Put a pillow over it. Oh, you do the whole thing. You put on a suit. You can hypnotize girls to have an O. Yeah? How do you do that?

Yeah. You put a pillow over it. Oh, you do the whole thing. You wave your hand or whatever and then you're just like, you're going to have an O every time I eat spaghetti. Oh, Jesus.

I don't know why you're so fat now. Have you just been giving your girlfriend a bunch of hypnotized orgasms as you eat spaghetti? Yeah, you just slurping down spaghetti like a lizard. Queenie in white.

Yeah, rigatoni. Yeah, she's just like, down spaghetti like a lizard. Queenie and white clams. Yeah, rigatoni. Yeah, she's just like, I'm giving it to Splickety Splack. Holden doesn't think he's fat enough to break a chair, but he is, right? Yeah. Anyone is fat enough to break a chair if the chair is weak enough, Tistle. And that's a philosophy on the world. Thank you.

That is not a philosophy on the world. What philosophy even is that? I've broken a chair. I'm done with the whole thing. And he's a toad. You're a little bit larger, Kev. You're the most recent one of all of us to have done it. That's all.

You're the spokesmodel for an actual rights company. Ben Kissel, if you sat on the moon, you'd break it. Podcast is done. I'm calling the whole fucking show. It's over. What is wrong with you animals? There's so much less gravity up there too. Right.

I would go up and then You gotta embrace this fat lifestyle, man. It's gonna make your whole career. You're the spokesperson of DXL fat nigga shirts and pants. Destination XXXL closed for the moon to wear. This is getting good. He's actually being nice.

I'm not nice. No, you're right. It doesn't matter. No, no, that's very, very funny. I love all your jokes. I apologize for the joke, Ben. No, it's not a problem. I love the joke.

I like the joke. Wait a minute. You don't mean that. If he sat on Mars and fucking collapsed on Mars. There we go. That's what you really mean. He is back. He's on fire.

All right. So the poor mouse. Poor mouse. Now he's working with the goddamn other side. Now he's a stooge. Let's move on to another story. When her teething infant son would not stop crying, an Arkansas woman called her mother

and was told to rub some alcohol on the child's painful gums. Instead, cops charge Lori Shepard, 28, put bourbon in her 10-month-old son's bottle, leading to the infant's hospitalization and her arrest for child endangerment and aggravated assault. Amber, did your mother give you whiskey? Yeah, you gotta put a little whiskey in the bottle. No, you put it on the nipple. You don't put it in the bottle. you put it on the nipple. You don't put it in the bottle. You put it on the nipple.

Mom put it on the nipple and then the baby sucks on your nipple. No, the nipple of the bottle. That's what my mom did to us. Okay, so the official thing that this mother was supposed to do was brush her child's teeth with her finger with whiskey on her finger. Yeah, you just gave him straight whiskey.

She just put whiskey in the child's bottle. her finger with whiskey on her finger. Yeah, you just gave him straight whiskey. I see. She just put whiskey in the child's bottle. Oh, yeah, sure. Is that the advice that should be given? What's wrong with this? Is this a news story? I mean, what are we talking about right now? Why is this on TV?

Because her son was rushed last week to a hospital emergency room after he was found limp and unresponsive. Shepard initially told cops that the child, quote, was fine before she placed him in his playpen inside the family's trailer home in Mount Holly, Arkansas, about 125 miles south of Little Rock. Yeah, the kid's weak. What is her shirt about? It's so real. Yeah, so the kid, he had alcohol poisoning?

Yeah. How much whiskey was it, does it say? It doesn't say exactly how much, but it was enough. The baby had an alcohol content of.19, a BAC of.19. Henry, how much whiskey you got to give a nine-month-old to make it drunk? I don't know, man. You just give it what it asks for. A thimbleful.

A thimbleful. But I always heard, I heard a good folk tale about a good way to get a baby to go to sleep is what you do is you just wrap its head in saran wrap. No, no. That is. It will work. It will work. It goes to sleep for a long time.

Just sit on it. Like it's an egg. And what you do is you take a Cody and you just put it up its ass. See, that's what I'm saying with the mouse. Yeah. Drug up that mouse. Right. See, that's what I'm saying with the mouse. Yeah. Drug up that mouse. Right. Sina, what do you think?

So the cops told her to do the whiskey thing a little bit, but then she went overboard. She went above and beyond, like the movie Kingpin. Ooh, I had a little bit of a cough. Ew, God. What is wrong with you? All right, this is the first time that's ever happened, but I did have a little bit of a cough,

but we'll keep it in because I want the show to be authentic. I don't know what happened. It's the first time I ever stopped talking, but I did have a little bit of a cough, but we'll keep it in because I want the show to be authentic. I don't know what happened. It's the first time I ever stopped talking, though, and it was exciting. I think he ate a bug. I didn't eat a bug. I didn't eat a bug. He did it on purpose, though.

I watched it. It jumped from the microphone. You really hurt me over here. You didn't do it on purpose. I didn't eat a bug. I would tell you if I ate a bug, I would say, oh, I had a bug. But you did, like, chew it a little bit.

You did. You did a little, like, chew. It seemed like... I saw a leg. Wait a second. His tongue's really long. Is he some kind of frog? You better watch out.

He's going to lick the head off your head. Because your tongue, his tongue is so long. That's what frogs do. Jump on a log. Big. Don't lick him. You'll get poisoned. My tongue is so long. That's what frogs do. Jump on a log and make bad scars. Don't lick him. You'll get poisoned.

A whole series of jokes here. All right, so, Sina, what do you think? Does this mother need to be charged? She just went above and beyond. Like the bowler from Kingpin who played 15 frames as opposed to 10. God, because he's an Amish person. When we talk about above and beyond, it's like above and beyond. Too many cupcakes is above and beyond for your birthday. Too much whiskey is above and beyond in the sense of you need to go to prison now.

For a baby. She just needs help. She doesn't know. Yeah, prison help. Take the baby away. Where's the baby going to go? To a foster house that just sees a pile of cash? The freak in this room could raise that baby a lot better than this one.

I don't want anything to do with it. She's probably just real dumb. Yeah, she might be right. Everyone in this room could raise that baby a lot better than this woman. I don't want anything to do with it. She's probably just real dumb. Yeah, she might be real dumb. Again, everyone in this room could raise that baby. The only thing she is... Let's adopt a baby. The only...

I'll take a baby. We have too many women on the show. Now we're adopting babies? Yeah. We're adopting babies. We're giving them help. Too many women on the show.

The type of shit you hear from the new spokesperson of DXF. Leave it alone. Don't isolate. I love. I cherish women. I cherish women.

What I hear is they measure their shirts in gallons. That is. He walks in the room and it looks like there's a bunch of milk on his mouth. He's like, oh, just milk the cow. And he's like, oh, we don't have a cow. We got a bull. That's from the movie King King. Check it out with Woody Harrelson, Bill Murray.

You are bullcum. That's what the bull says after you suck him off. Like, you're welcome. You're bullcum. I got it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I say keep it. I'm going to keep it. Bullsperm. Can you look up bullsperm on a video?

Oh, we've looked up so much bullsperm. No, I don't want to do bullsperm. Can you look up bullsperm on a video? Oh, we've looked up so much. No, I don't want to do bullsperm. We're not going the farm direction on this episode. We have done it often. I have been on several episodes where we have priced animal sperm. Pitsperm. No, I want to see a bull sploosh out of a stick. No, we're not doing it.

I'm telling you. I am making an executive decision here. You got a TV up here. No, I don't want to see it. I'm so sick of bullsperm. I'm so sick of bull, I'm already sick of bull sperm. I wanna see a bull sploosh out of his fucking cunt dick. It's not happening. Get in.

Well, I'll show you later. I give Kingpin three out of five. It's a great movie. Very, very funny comment. It's a lot of hits and misses. Bill Murray's good at it. He's got a great hat, though. The Amish has a good hat.

The Amish person, yeah. When he's really freaked out after the car, whatever, right? The car goes too fast. Yeah, yeah, and he's frozen. I like that. I love that. That was my favorite gag. I give the sport of bowling two stars out of five.

What? Oh. Yeah, but it's a sport for some kind of sponsor of DXL. I give nachos four stars out of five. Okay, I get that. How about a moment for Randy Quaid, though? What about him?

He's a great American. Yeah, that is true. No, he's in Canada. He's on the lam. He's back. He's back in the States now. Canada was like, we can't keep you in prison.

We're going to send you back to the United States. Did you watch the sex tape? I did watch the sex tape. I watched all of the sex tape. And it was some of the best stuff I've watched before 10 a.m. The dog barked the entire time. I'll just never get over that.

I can't fuck while a dog is barking through the whole thing. Yeah, but you would have had a really hard time during the Holocaust. You're right, Dan. Those schnitzel dogs. Holden, Marcus, edit my No schnitzel dogs. Holden. Mark, I said it in my laughs out that I just laughed. Heroes Thursday on NBC. We got a China, we got a Mexie.

It's going to be a good show this week. Oh, that's great. Oh, no. People are loving that television show. I can think of a picture of Maker's Mark next to this lady. There's no way she has Maker's Mark. Yeah, check out a picture of the woman. I'll put her up on the screen.

What people in trailer... The shirt says, a nicer way to say you're an idiot. What does that even mean? That's a dumb shirt for a dumb person to try to tell us that we're dumb. I think there might be something on the back. I honestly think that the only thing she's guilty of is being an awesome bartender. Maybe. Heavy pour.

Yeah, very heavy pour. Yeah, for sure. No, she might have had Maker's Mark, though. I mean, you know, people in trailer parks enjoy the finer things in life. I don't even have Maker's Mark in my house. I think that was just an advertisement for Maker's Mark. Very unfortunate. It's smooth, man.

Put it over a big square cube. Enjoy it by a fire. Dip your cigar in it. Have a nice time. I love it. Drown a baby in it. Sick of being a mother? Use Maker's Mark to fucking sleep your baby. Sprink it afterwards?

Yes. What? No? No. No. Oh, okay. I found the t-shirt on eBay, the t-shirt that she's wearing, and it has a bunch of little tiny, it has things like, the stove is on, but nothing's cooking. It says the wheel's spinning, but the hamster isn't moving. Isn't that funny?

One taco short of a combo plate. I'm more concerned about her buying a shirt and her pouring whiskey in that shirt. It's $15. She's got a baby. You can't be making frivolous buys. Can we all agree that one taco short of a combo plate, that's not a sane. Not one for a t-shirt that's a mass consumption. What about he forgot to pay his brain bill?

Never heard that one either. What is the bill? I've never gotten billed. Am I supposed to be paying some kind of bill for my brain? We don't need people to go to jail in this situation. We need to start a school. They need to go somewhere to learn things. You can't just bring up actual public policy that would make things better.

Can there just be a court ruling that's just too dumb dumb to be apparent and then we go to a place? Natalie, it sounds like you need to sit down and give your mind a rest. This t-shirt's awesome. I don't know what you're laughing about, Henry. There ain't no grain in your silo. You idiot. You moron, Henry. You have fucking

down syndrome. But they said that if I believe in myself hard enough, I could play offensive line for Notre Dame. That's not what

down syndrome sounds like. Rudy was like. Rudy had down syndrome. No. It wasn't down syndrome. It was a defensive line. I thought it was a line back.

Defensive line. Defensive line. The actual Rudy came and talked at my middle school. He spoke at my high school. And he is so stupid. He's so stupid. He's legitimately truly dumb.

He never got a tackle. No, he never got a tackle. And when the Notre Dame players carried him off the fields, they did so grinning ear to ear because they were doing it as a practical joke. They were pranking a retarded man. They sent a retarded man who did not have the skills to be playing football out there to be ran over by a bunch of other football players. They were trying to hurt him. But looking at that now, though, it's pretty funny.

It is a funny prank. It's like making a retard the president for a day. Isn't the movie just him being short? Is that the whole thing? He's a tiny man. Yeah, he's a tiny man. But he's not retarded. Tiny men all aren't retarded.

Natalie, I want to hear, though. Did he say something super encouraging and inspirational when he spoke to your middle school? You could do it. Did you think he was a new student coming in? All I remember is that when he came, everyone was disappointed because he wasn't Sean Austin who played him in the movie. Oh, sorry. That is a teaching problem. That's an education problem.

That is a teaching problem. That's an education problem. Henry, okay, Sean Austin, you're asked to be a person, but they didn't ask him to be some beautiful, super incredible person. They asked him to be Rudy. Is that insulting as an actor if people are like, you kind of look like a Hollywood version of a Tartar person? You take that money, you suck that dick. You're talking to a man who put meat all over his body for an MTV

TV show. For a hundred dollars. For a hundred dollars. This is my first acting job was for a show called Silent Library on MTV. I answered an ad on Craigslist that the show was looking for hairy men. And I was like, I'm gonna put myself on television. That's what I was like. I'm gonna

be on TV. I sent a picture of my chest to a person on Craigslist. They they said you're the man we're gonna use uh it turns out i was a punishment for this game show where these guys get tortured in this room by getting like they basically things happen they're supposed to make them laugh but they're supposed to stay absolutely silent if they make any noise they lose and i would be the punishment and one of the the punishment i was is i was a big, fat, hairy man that wore sausage suspenders and they had to eat the sausage suspenders off of my chest.

That's great. How many times did you have to do this? I did that twice. You know who you could be in a movie? Steve Wozniak, perhaps. The Woz. That would be big. Take it. It's over. $100? That's great. There's other horrible things you could do for $100. I definitely could have taken a nut on my knees.

That was definitely the best case scenario for the end of that sending your chest photo to somebody on Craigslist. Oh, I mean, I got completely bukkake'd. A nut on your knees. What are we getting for that? A nut? Oh, nowadays? I'm a nut.

Me, personally, Holden McNeely will nut on your knees. How much can I pay you for that? Oh, we talk about in real life in this present scenario? I have my career cooking. I was about to say, yeah, yeah. It's five years ago, but I'm still riding on the Taco Bell money. All right, so you're passing me. Seven years ago, you.

Coming on my knees. Yes. Legitimately, the answer is $750. That's actually a great answer. I mean, come on the knee. Who cares about the knee? Watch him jerk off, though. Yeah, but I would just cover my eyes.

You can't cover your eyes. No, that costs $1,500. What in the world? I don't get it. What if he peaks? What if he peaks? How much to peak? He's not going to peak.

$50 a peak. You have to make siren noises while you do it. We'll talk after the show. $900. Good convo. Good convo. I'm still waiting to play Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in his biopic. Oh, yeah.

You have to gain about 30 pounds. I'm ready for it. I'm dedicated. You know who you could be if you shaved your face? The bomber from the Boston Marathon guy. Yeah! Boston bomber. He Boston Marathon guy. Yeah! Boston bomber, brother. He was really in shape.

A lot of the people around this table did text me around that time and say, Where are you, bro? Where are you, man? Well, no, I texted you and I said, I want you to know we love you a lot. So if you think about going against Colby. Sorry about your boat. Yeah, and we know that you hate running. But congratulations on getting the cover of the Rolling Stones.

So cool. Cover of the Rolling fucking Stone, a music magazine. You look great. Their second album sucked. Horrible. They put Charles Manson on the cover and stuff like that. Yeah, but Charles Manson was a musician. Look at your game, Joe.

Jihadi chic. I want to apologize for saying Tartar earlier. It is not an appropriate statement as the spokesperson for Destination Extra Large, I have a Down syndrome, or a mentally challenged younger brother. Okay, so that's... I just feel like Destination XL is probably a place where all the dumpster clothes that don't make it through the spring sale aren't sold are probably given to, like, developmentally disabled homes.

Well, and that's why they look so good and sharp in those amazing destination XLs. Wow, he is dead fast. No wonder he's got the job. That's it. If anyone gives me money, I will do whatever you want. Ben Kissel, are black people allowed in the store? They make up the majority of our clientele as a matter of fact. No way.

They go to the casual male XL. Absolutely. It's Depper. I will do crossover to casual male. They don't want you. You can't. You're on DXL. You're on DXL.

Oh, my God. You're already going to the other company. You're a politician over here. He'll say whatever it takes. I hate him. Let's burn him alive. Yeah, let's take him out of here. Oh, my God.

Now I'm getting tarred and feathered You tell this frog licking Big clothes wearing spokesman We're gonna run him out on a rail I think he's Muslim Wearing a bunch of blankets Stapled together He said he'd allow black people to go into the store

Oh, now he's in my America You take your fat white supremacist clothes back over at DXL where they belong. You know who else wears big clothes? The Grand Wizard

of the KKK. He's big and fat. They do. They do. Very breezy. All right. Wonderful stuff. Everyone's doing

very well. So what do we got here now? So we're on the whiskey story. Yeah, let's move back. We've got everything. We've got everything we've got everything

It's just kind of gonna grow up to be a drug story was the kid that was giving the whiskey. Oh, yeah No, we're like you're you're so drunk your faces sideways It's like your smile is hitting the bottom of your right hitting the bottom of your right eye. I'm just so happy it's not me. It's always me. But that's what it looks like, Jackie. It's not Jackie. Ever since she joined the Panthers, they don't believe in...

No, man, I'm straight edge now. Yeah. Straight edge, fun, sharp jizzies. I'm not drunk. Jackie, you're number two. Number two bullet point for the Jackie campaign for the round tailor of the year. Number two.

We forgot that you're a part of the Black Panther Party. Congratulations, by the way. It was very exciting. I can't believe I've never been nominated before. I know, it's nuts. People are really surprised. So anything you want to say?

Number two, your platform. Yes. I've decided to ban... This is going to be controversial. I already know what it is. No, no, no, no. I think that we should all just start, you know, kissing

and loving, and I never want to see a shell-less pistachio again in my entire fucking life. So first of all, this is a two-tier point. Black Panthers. Loving, right?

Hugging, these things, and the shelled. Only unshelled pistachios. No, no, no. I don't want to ever buy them unshelled. You want the shell. I want the shell. You had me because I misheard. I thought you didn't want the shell.

I hate the shell. You have to work for the nut. I love that. You work for the nut. It's not a relate. No, it's not that. It should not be that's not a relate. No, it's not that. It should not be that intense of a process. No, it's not a fucking cashew.

Kevin Barnett, she is a part of your Black Panthers party. Where is my Black Panthers party? Well, you're the only black person here. I don't know. It's not easy to represent 20 million people, but you're doing a great job. Also, I have to say, I know nothing about the Black Panthers except for what I saw in Forrest Gump. That's what I know about the Black Panthers except for what I saw in Forrest Gump. That's what I know about the Black Panthers. They gave Jenna AIDS.

Jenna, but they were for a belief and they wore turtlenecks. And I've never worn a turtleneck outside of the house before and I feel a certain power. You look good. You're doing good in a turtleneck. It's getting cooler outside so you saw a political movement and you're like, they dress great

for the fall. Turtlenecks. And then you're that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I can't wear the trench coats because then I get frisked. What about berets, though? What about the berets? That's the problem is I hate the French. So I do have, I've got a floppy hat.

It's heathered, and I think that's about as far as I'll go. Ski mask works, too. Yeah, but that's too hot. Yeah, my people ruin the ski mask. Yeah, and I wear glasses. I don't wear aki mask works, too. Yeah, but that's too hot. My people ruin the ski mask. Yeah, and I wear glasses. I don't wear a ski mask anymore. Yeah, man, because it's great. So no trench, yeah.

So you know what do you think about Jackie's campaign so far? I think I'm a big supporter of it. I think in this new age, we have a lot of corruption in politics. We have a lot of people lying to us. It's good to have someone straight shooting us. This is actually a perfect example of how it really works. Ed created the event, then creates who is the candidate, and then picks the winner before we even have a say.

I pick the winner only because I count the votes and I know who won. Work for the nut 2015, Jackie DeBrown. Work for the nut. Work for the nut. Work for the nut. No. the nut. Work for the nut. No. It's all moot. You joined the black pan.

Don't you moo at me. Listen. Don't you moo at me. Listen to me. Did I say it was all moot? You joined the black pan. He said moo like a cow. I know what you're saying.

You made a huge mistake. He said moot. She's spinning it. She's spinning through the spin cycle. You know what? You want to know what's moo? What? Brazil nuts.

Brazil nuts are moo. Crazy moo. Fucking disgusting. They're the nast Brazil nuts. Brazil nuts are moo. Crazy moo. Fucking disgusting. They're the nastiest nuts. You're not going to survive. You ain't going to win this shit. Joining the Black Panthers was the worst mistake you ever made. I don't think so, man.

They disbanded in the early 70s because they fucking can't survive in summertime. It's too hot for trench coats. It's all over the place. He's right. I'll have to figure it out. I'll just cut the sleeves off in the summertime. There's a new doc out. You should go check it out.

Worked for the Nut 2015? No, a Black Panther documentary. What's it called, Eddie? Black Panthers, I think. Get that nut. Get that nut. They're a great, yeah, anyway. Jackie, what's your opinion on pecans?

Man, you know, all right. I love a pecan. They're really good for you. You know what I'm saying? Toast them. Toast them. Eight minutes in the oven. 375, you toast them.

I just don't like your nut policy that much. Manny, I've been eating a lot of nuts lately. I'm 100% behind her on nuts here. A little bit of butter and some cinnamon. You ever boil a peanut? No! Hot boiled peanuts. Yeah, man, it's rock and roll, man.

No, I don't eat mushy nuts! Hot boiled peanuts on the side of the road, best thing America has to offer. I'm going to tell you this, Jackie. The one thing about getting to the winner's circle of an election,

eventually you're going to have to move towards the center and you've got to start thinking about some boiled peanuts. Mushy nuts? You know what else you've got to think about? Nut allergies.

We've got people on the streets right now. They're all losers. Anyone with a nut allergy, I hope they die. I hope they die. It's your nut allergy. I'm no longer behind Jackie's platform. Are you protesting Jackie Holder? That's right.

Jackie's supposed to host SNL next Saturday. Are you protesting? Are you protesting? You protesting? No, I'll say on Facebook that I'm protesting, but I'll actually watch. I'm going to offer $5,000 for anyone who stands up and calls Jackie a nuttist. Because that's exactly what she is. You have $5,000 to give someone. Yeah, yeah, totally.

Destination, extra large. Go, shop there, support me. No, but we just saw. Your sizes started XL, right? Extra large. Yeah, but there. Support me. No, but we just saw. Where sizes started XL, right? Extra large. Yeah. But the shoes started super small. Right, right, right.

Exactly. Okay. Fat people, small feet. That got really heated, guys. Yeah. Very good. I don't hope Lexi dies. I'm glad we're back down.

I was fine the whole time. That's a sound bit we'll have for the rest of our lives now. That's the most consistent yelling I've seen on this show. I yelled, man. I was yelling. Yeah, you never yelled. You guys stayed out of it. Can I honestly ask, though?

Do we think, though, in nature, if someone has an allergy like that where a tiny little thing can kill your entire nervous system, does that not mean you should be dead? Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. All right, great job. My goddamn microphone has a problem. I can't speak for 30 seconds and the show derails. All right.

What's wrong with it? Nothing. It doesn't matter. I'll figure it out. You broke it. I didn't break it. I did not break it. Man, you broke the chair and now you're breaking the mic.

Fucking frog tongue and all over the place. The whole thing's falling apart. All right. It's more of a toad than a frog. It doesn't even matter. Okay, so what's going on, Marcus? Where are we at in the news? I'll just hold the microphone.

I love how Marcus is bent over half the table, and you're like, what's in the news? Well, I just got to know what's in the news, because otherwise, thank you, Cena. Hey, in what other ways does Ben resemble Yoshi from Mario Brothers? He's got an ass that anybody could ride. Yeah. That was positive.

That was positive. I actually really appreciated that. Thank you, Jackie. You got a wide throat. That's also very nice. It keeps you from choking on potatoes when you eat them whole. And you like eggs. And I do love a good egg.

Yeah, but do you shit it out of your ass? I do love a good egg. Yeah, but do you shit it out your ass? I do love a good egg. Right? Isn't that what Yoshi does? What? He eats the princess and then an egg comes out. No, he eats apples from the trees. And it turns into eggs?

And he eats the shells of the Koopa Troopas. No, not Koopa Troopas. Yeah. Well, he doesn't eat them. He spits those back out. Right, but if he- He sucks the meat out and then he spits it. No, if he eats them for long enough, he gains their powers.

And then he'll get wings. Depending on the color of the shell. Where you're at in the story. Wings for blue. Everyone just died a little bit. I don't like it. I want to hear what the chat has to say about Jackie and her nut positions. Oh, man.

What's the pink puffy one? I like that one. Pink puffy nut? No. Pistachios? No. You don't like pink pistachios? I like that one. Pink puffy nut? No. Pistachios? No. You don't like pink pistachios? I don't think they make pink pistachios.

I don't think they make them. They're red hives. I don't like to dye them, though. Is that what it is? Yeah, and then when you take a shit and you think you have rectal cancer. Are you talking about carnival peanuts? The other day I thought I had my period, but my ass was bleeding. Why was your ass bleeding?

She's got hemorrhoids. We've talked about this. Ed, Amber, and Sina all have hemorrhoids. It might have been pretty good lately. Was there just blood dripping out of your ass? I would say I lay in bed, and I was like, when's my period going to happen? I'm so confused. And then I felt a little blood, and I was like, oh, it's my ass.

Or I was like, oh, period blood. And I put a tampon in, and then nothing soaked into it for like six hours. I was like, oh, it's my ass. Or it's like, oh, period blood. And I put a tampon in and then nothing soaked into it for like six hours. I was like, I guess it was my ass. Natalie, I just got to get another woman's opinion here. Is that better or worse than the period? Well, it depends on if the period came after that.

If you're still waiting, we might need to leave now and go to the hospital. Yeah, I haven't got my period, but I don't know when a lot of things happened. All right, very good. It's okay. Don't worry. Don't worry.

I have a great abortionist you can call. What's his name? His name's Dr. Crab Cakes. That's amazing. And how does he perform all the abortions? It comes out so smooth. Ooh, yeah, yeah. He goes in, he goes,

lump it like a crab. Lump it like a crab. What he does is he's got a really thin whisk. And he slaps him like a dick. And his other hand's a hook. And he's the only abortionist that has porno mags in the lobby for the guy to read. Can I eat an omelet of my own child? Is that bad?

I was thinking about... You can eat the placenta. Oh, yeah, yeah. You gotta freeze it for a little while. That's what a lot of people do and then they cook it up. Kind of exciting. Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff was what I was thinking of. Sina, it looks like you have something you want to say.

I thought Jigglypuff. What? Let's do another news story. Yeah, we'll stay in the land of alcohol. Oh, good. Escaping the clutches of alcoholism is never easy and it certainly wasn't for Nicholas who had to go on antidepressants to cope with the withdrawal symptoms, but thanks

to the timely help of a Chilean treatment center, he has finally been able to get back to what he does best being a monkey. Alright. That was the longest intro I've ever heard. They gave a monkey ayahuasca?

They got a monkey drunk all the time, and now the monkey is getting better. Oh, he's an actual monkey. Well, who cares? The monkey can drink. We made the monkey drink, and then we decided to make the monkey quit by stopping giving it booze? Nicholas, a tufted capuchin monkey, was abused in captivity by his owners, shopkeepers in Santiago, Chile. was abused in captivity by his owners, shopkeepers in Santiago, Chile. They amused themselves by teaching him to smoke cigarettes and giving him alcohol.

You mean be a comedian? Yeah, make him a little Milton Berle. I mean, they just made him really funny. Veterinarian Nicole Rivera Helbig. That's a great guy. I know. Everyone loves Milton Berle. And he looks like a monkey, kind of.

He had a big old cock on him. Yeah, and he's got a wide mouth. Yeah, exactly. He did have a large penis. What do you mean? Yeah, that was always the talk. And he used to stake urinals, yeah. Yeah, it's famous. He had a famously large penis.

How big was it? Big? I think they talked about it at the Kennedy Center Awards or something. They always talk about it. It was a very popular part of conversation. He had one of those penises when he had to do a physical bit

with fucking Jerry where he would stick the head into his asshole. Huh. That's kind of exciting. We found a list of the 15 largest penises in Hollywood.

What do we got? Okay, can we just do some bets here? Jackie, who do you want it to be and who do you think it is? I mean, it depends. Are we talking of all time?

We're talking number 15. I'm going to go ahead and give it to you. Number 15 is Errol Flynn. Oh. Who the hell is that? The guy that was in Spider-Man. What's his name? The guy with the fucked up face?

Willem Dafoe? Willem Dafoe. I've heard costume designers say that he has one of the largest penis. I bet he's on there. Okay. I know Jon Hamm should be on there. No, he said that was a microphone cord. I don't know.

They had to remake all of his fucking flat-fronted pants. Because his dong was too big? Yeah, because it kept showing. Yeah, all of his Mad Men pants. Jay Leno apparently has a big cock. All right, well, let's go down the list. We've got 15 of somebody I never heard of. Charlie Chaplin?

He had a large one. Big cock on Charlie Chaplin. He's so skinny. He was waving his dick around instead of his stick. I did not know that. I guess the Hitler mustache gave it away. Walter's giving me baseball signals to show me how big Charlie Chaplin's penis is. The skinny ones always have the biggest penis.

You just say that because you're skinny. Oh, my God. I am so stupid. Sometimes I host this show and I just fail. We have a penis expert. You just say that because you're skinny. Oh, my God. I am so stupid. Sometimes I host this show and I just fail. We have a penis expert. Yes. Walter Rapogla from Murder Fist, the greatest sketch group that's ever existed, is in the room.

Walter, you've got to come in for this segment. Why do smaller people, do you think, have a larger penis? I don't understand why they would have a larger penis, but skinny guys always. Always. It's just in relation to their bodies. Walter, what actor do you want to see have the biggest penis, or do you have some inside information on a person with a large wang that may or may not be a celebrity in Hollywood? Hopefully they are.

Michael B. Jordan. Who's that? Yes, please. The guy from Friday Night Lights and The Wire. He was a small child in The Wire. What about the guy in the Rob Zombie movies? The very tall, gangly one. Oh, the one with the...

Tiny, he's dead now. He died, yes. I mean, that's different, though. There's like literally bones in his dick. Yeah, big old bones. In his dick? Having sex with him was like having sex with the arm of a skeleton. That's exciting.

Owen Wilson, huge cock. They call him the butterscotch stallion. Is that right? And Walter pointed at you in full acknowledgement and completely in agreement. Butterscotch stallion? So his dick has like the nicest hair as he has on his head? Mm-hmm. I love it.

What if they just mistake his nose for his dick, though? He's got a dick nose. He does have a dick nose. Jackie's being the snark police. Snark police! Snark police! Sorry, make way. Sorry, not sorry.

Steve, a former lover of Steve McQueen said that his penis was like two Coors beer cans welded together. Papillon! God, I wish my cock could be described as that. penis was like two Coors beer cans welded together. Papillon! God, I wish my cock could be described as that. Oh, that's funny. Two Coors beer cans welded together. Can you imagine just trying to mash in that seven-inch-around cock just into a little I've heard someone do it.

I had a roommate in college whose dick was so, no, like like four like like upper forearm it was a roommate and not it wasn't you it was a roommate okay no with a huge experience this penis at any point in your life i have i had seen it but he always fucked me because he was hot he like he looked like an adonis so he would fuck these tiny hot women and they would come over and be like he's so cute and then i would hear in the room next door where they're just like, ah. Because, like, he couldn't get the dick inside. I love to hear that. Poor guy.

Yeah, he couldn't keep a girl. I love that. That's great. Because it's like, he's impossible. It's still too big. It's too big. But it's too much. It's a bizarre problem to have. Kevin, can you sympathize with a dude who's just like, my dick is too big?

I can't shed a tear for the man. No, no. I mean, you know, that's got to be a struggle because you grow up thinking like, oh, I got this giant dick. I'm about to lay it down, man. And then you don't. You can't. But you've got to find a big gaper. Right. Yeah, but it's hard

to find the shoe that fits. Cinderella story. Yeah, you've got to have a bunch of... That is the Cinderella story, yeah. You've just got to get an old, stretched out shoe. Well, yeah, and leave a magnum condom on the steps as you're running out of the balls. You have a bunch of kids living up in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple of bad siblings.

Someone's mother. But we know that tall, skinny dudes have big dicks, but how do you tell if a woman's got a big vagina? Well, you really can't, and you really can't ask for either of the pants. It's how far you can fit your arm up inside of her. Well, that's in post. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yoga pants. Yoga pants.

Good, good. Walter, you are crushing this thing. Because then what would you do? You know the exterior part, you know? You can't tell on the inside. No, because if they got big, floppy lips. And a lot of that's just training. You know, like you stretch your ears out.

Right. Yeah, you gotta, the inside's gotta get big. So you start with different gauges, like that Antonio Banderas movie where he made the man into a woman I heard it's if their eyes are really far apart that means they have a wide vagina Eddie where did you hear that my mother

is that true I swear that's probably true I can't believe how well you're doing Ukrainian truths speaking from experience a woman with a wide vagina That's probably true. I can't believe how well you're doing. Ukrainian truths. It's really, speaking from experience, like a woman with a Y-step vagina has, you know, she likes to drink whiskey and talk shit.

And whoops, I have a Y-step vagina. Oh, I see. Or they just admit it outright. It's when you go to see a woman, you'll be like, hey, why don't you take a seat? You look at a guitar, and she's like, I am sitting. And then you look, and then out of the bottom of her skirt, she sees the four legs of a chair. Oh, I see. Yeah. Very exciting. Alright, let's...

Wide set vaginas are more fun, I will say. I'm not a man, but if I were to fuck a wide set, it would just be, like, fun to plow and have a good time, as opposed to a girl that's like, oh, it hurts. It hurts. I can't. And she starts crying. Yeah, when you fuck an eight-year-old, it's horrible.

I hate the crying of a child. As a person who's been inside of a woman after birth, I think it's important to know that there's always a happy medium when we talk about these things. Yeah, because you don't want to lose a pussy. Sometimes you don't want it too small, and sometimes when you get in there and it's too big, you're afraid you may get sucked in there.

What, did you go in right after the baby? Was she still in the hospital? I mean, you get three days hospital when you're in there. That's a fucking hotel room. His brother's a doctor. You're just having sex with all the women that he ever time. It's a gas to be played. I deliver your baby, you can fuck my brother.

Full service treatment. I have no idea why that's the impression. It's nothing to do with pussies. He's a love search. Oh, man. Okay, Owen Wilson's got a big dong. It's nothing to do with pussies He's a love search Oh man So okay Owen Wilson's got a big dong Yeah Milton Berle

His dick was Supposedly 14 inches long And he called it The boy So he would say Would you come on over here And suck the boy Yeah yeah

He said this guy Alan Zweibel Old Saturday Night Live writer He said that Milton Berle took it out and he goes, What do you think of the boy? Oh, good God. He needs some clothes. Buy him a suit.

Little shoes. You want to see him ride a skateboard? Good Christ. All right, who else? I'm very interested in this list. Liam Neeson. Oh, is that something? Oh, my God, yes.

You can see that. That's obvious. Yes. That's what Janice Dickinson said. She said that he unzipped his pants and an Evian bottle fell out. Oh, yeah. Is it lime and sparkling? He is a bit of a drunkard.

You're not intangulating the time. Bill Cosby victim. Well, yes. She is a Bill Cosby. You were about to defend Bill Cosby. I would never defend Bill Cosby. He's a total monster and I hate the Cosby show. I don't think the Cosby show should have ever been allowed on TV in the first place.

The way they represented America was bullshit and it should have never existed. Now, thank God, we are paying for our sins as a country that allowed the Cosby Show. And also, I think there was another Cosby, like a spinoff.

The Cosby Mysteries. The Cosby Mysteries. Bill Cosby should have never been famous. What about Family Matters? If you were a racist politician, though, and you could go to the future and then come back and call out Bill Cosby for being a rapist, that would just really help out your cred. If you're like, the Cosby Show can't be on television, Bill Cosby is a rapist, and then it would be a big winner for you

if you were running with some sort of KKK backing. Remember the great escape when Stevie Queen was jumping over the fences with the motorcycle? That's pretty impressive for the guy with the huge dog. It is. Who else has the biggest dick? Frank Sinatra. That's a lie. I don't believe anything.

You don't believe that one? I don't believe anything about Frank Sinatra was a terrible person. I imagine it. Are you saying that there's not bad people with big dicks out there? I bet that he did have a big dick, but he couldn't get it hard.

What do you think, Sina? He's Italian, like old school Italian. Ooh, Italian salient. He's not one of these New Jersey Italians. I'm talking old country Italian. He's from New Jersey. Yeah. No, you know, he's roots.

I'm talking about the roots. I don't see it, though, because Ronan Farrow, he's a correspondent on MSNBC. There's no way he has a big penis. And he's Frank Sinatra's kid. Yeah, but that could be on the mom's side. Could be. Yeah, the mom had a huge old fucking leg. Probably has a big butt hole. kid. Yeah, but that could be on the mom's side. Could be. Yeah, the mom had a huge old fucking leg. Yeah.

Probably has a big butt hole. Frank Sinatra comes marinara sauce. Yeah. Good job, Amber. Isolate the sound clip. Take the sound clip and just put it on all your reels. Kevin, you don't believe that Frank Sinatra had a big penis? No, man. I mean, he was like one of the only dudes around during the war, so he's fucking everybody.

He had nothing to compare it to. Right. Good point. Good point. I may have been swayed by that. Yeah, that was good. Crushed it. Okay, who else, Marcus? Uh, and Daniel Craig. Oh, I've heard that. James Bond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, Walter, no, you put your arms up in disgust. We have

a bit of a controversy. Nobody saw the blue swimsuit? No. No. What blue swimsuit? It's huge. His penis. How big is it? Quit movie. The picture of him walking out of the water as 007.

That is legendary. Legendary. I don't think this is the proof that was. You straights get your fucking swimsuit edition. That's ours. Fuck you. No, it's fine. And you make a good point, Walter.

Holden was being homophobic. It's a little interesting. Is there a single person of color on that list, or was that all white dudes, because I don't believe that. Holy shit, it's all white dudes. Hell yeah. Wow. Y'all came back. Bullshit. Oh, yeah. Oh, no,

Eddie Murphy's on there. Eight or nine inches, they say. Eight or nine. Yeah, but Don Johnson, Roddy McDowell, Brandon Ruth. I feel like Eddie Murphy's on there. Eight or nine inches, they say. Eight or nine. Yeah, but Don Johnson, Roddy McDowell, Brandon Ruth. I feel like Eddie Murphy can't get a heart on anymore. David Beckham, bend it like Beckham. Walter, I just want to hear real quick, ever had anybody too big for you? Yes. And how did it feel?

How did it feel going in there? It probably didn't. It didn't go in there. It didn't. It was that big. Just kind of knocking on the door. No. Not too big means anything. in there. It probably didn't. It didn't go in there because it was that big. It's going to knock it on the door. I had a thing back in Tallahassee where a friend of mine came

and visited me, a street friend. Say a street friend? A street friend? That's a homeless person. You had sex with a homeless person. A street friend is a homeless person. Mark has been a homeless person. I didn't start those until I moved to New York. Oh yeah, I got offered a blowjob from

a street friend yesterday at Port Authority. But anyway. Walter's like, Randy! I know Randy! I love Randy! The middle-aged Arab guy with the scars all over his face? On my new app. A street friend. Find them wherever they are. Who knows?

And you're disappointed with him. And you're like, I can never disappointed with him and you're like, I can never be with this man because he's, I guess, too good. No, it was a super random thing. He came into town, he stayed with me, and he was just like, he's super straight, married to a lover.

Not super straight. We can all say he's not super straight. I mean, he had sex with Walter. He's as straight as a nail. Sexuality is super fluid, so. It is, but I would say we can classify him not as super male. Sexuality is super fluid. It is, but I would say we can classify him not as super straight. Identifies as straight currently

because he has a family. I'm sure he's a wonderful man. But no, he stayed with me one night. We got really drunk over at Holden's apartment. Oh, interesting. Holden, you're implicit in this. Looking for a three-way?

He tried it on his pillow. Carlo Rossi? But I took him back to my place knowing we would be having sex that night. Wow. He pulled it out and I literally gasped. It was the fucking biggest thing. What are we talking here? Can you make the noise that you made?

Whoa! Whoa! That's not a gasp. Give it a whoa! Whoa! Give it a... Whoa! I love cocaine! Which I'm sure was... So it didn't go through.

Holden, what did the dick sound like when it came out? Nice try. That's his tagline. It sounded more like just like, poo. Sounds like it had some real weight to it. Oh, yeah. Some good girth.

And I said to him, I was like, first off, this is weird. You're my straight friend. Well, it's not. You're killing the mood doing that. Definitely. Put on some music. I'm putting parameters. I'm not going to do anything that you're not going to consent to.

You're putting parameters. I'm talking in the mood doing that. Definitely. Put on some music. I'm putting parameters. I'm not going to do anything that you're not going to consent to. You're putting parameters. I'm talking about these things. He ripped a dick out of your face. And then you're presenting your butt. Parameters. Yeah, but there was things before that. We got drunk together.

We were making out a little bit. And I was like, hey, if you want to go further, that's cool. But you can say no at any time. Very nice. I'm sorry. I do that. That's very respectful. That's very nice.

I know. That's why I said very nice. You should do that for the women that you're with. I'm not with anybody. I'm sorry. I do that. That's very respectful. I know. That's why I said very nice. You should do that for the women that you're with. I'm not with anybody. I'm not with anybody. And see, that's a ridiculous statement. That's insane.

But then he was like, no, let's do this. And I was like, okay. And then he pulled it out and it was literally like just and I was just like,

that's not going anywhere near my butt. And then you shake it like he was offering a handshake? No. Did he send out a business card? A little business card from the company. I literally settled with the Chinese branch of his penis. Like, that's what I did.

I was just like, what's a Chinese branch? What's a Chinese branch? But I just, I, I, I. It's okay for him to be racist He's gay Is that right? Oh wait

Yeah Is that a Is that a hot joke On the gay scene? Is that the rule? I do believe that is the rule I'll change No it's not

Actually Sina They're right That is the rule It's modern America They put Bill Cosby on TV And this is what we got I never thought of that before But if a

Gay dude says racist shit at me How could I be mad? It's unbelievable. Is it because they're still losing? Is that what it is? No, it's because they're fun about it. They're just fun. Yeah, they're fun.

Literally, it's just fun. They're fun. All right. Anyway, no, like, it came out, and I was just like, damn, and I fell in love with it immediately. I wanted to take pictures of me with it, and I wanted to just go on a vacation. So how many kids does this guy have now?

He's got like a vacation places? He doesn't have any kids, but he is married. And what Senate position does he hold? I'm just going to say it rhymes with Schmorth, Maryland. Oh, my God. It's Tom Tillis. It's Tom Tillis. It's Tom Tillis. It's not Tom Tillis.

I can't believe it. Tom Tillis. No, but it was the biggest penis I've literally ever seen, like, in my entire life. Well, you could go on and on. Wait, did he shoot crazy loads? I don't think. Did he make him? Oh, so you did finish the job.

Oh, I finished. You're a good lady. The big ones look weird too. I always feel like the big ones are like kind of like deformed a little bit. It's the veins. They vary in like. They got big veins. You got to take the suit off it.

It's kind of like when a blind person is born blind and they look kind of weird in the face. No, you got to. Is that right? It's because people go. First off, every penis is different. Yeah. Snowflake. Thank you for saying that.

We all love them all. But no, this one in particular varied in width throughout the thing. It was just huge. I'm talking like 11 inches. All right. That's been Walter Repogler's cock corner. Repogler. Cock corner.

That was fantastic. I would agree. I never say your last name right. I'm always saying, what is it? Repogler's cock corner. Repogler. Cock corner. That was fantastic. I would agree. Never say your last name right. I'm always saying, what is it? Repogle. Replogle. Replogle. Replogle?

Replogle. Replogle, really. Bagels. Bagels. Bagels. I don't say words right some of the time. No, I thought it was totally differently pronounced than that, too. Yeah.

Awesome. I was just pronouncing it the N word the whole time. Well, gay people are the N word of white people. Can I say that? Well, gay people can be many different.

Anyway, okay. We all... All right. So let's just... I don't know why I'm trying to explain it. Y'all, I gotta go take a whiz.

I gotta go take a serious fucking... Say it into the mic. Just shut up. My pussy's got a fucking calm out piss. Oh, yeah. And it's so wide that it just comes out, so she's really gotta go.

She's got a wide spread. It's dangerous. Like a sprinkler. I don't know if I'll be back. No one heard that. You're talking into no mic. All right, all right, all right. You're just yelling. So let's see here.

We've got to wrap things up or another news story. It's time for a segment from Al McNeely. Yeah. You can spend a day in the life as someone else on the round table. What was that? You can spend a day in the life of someone else on the round table. We're all going to pick Kevin. Yeah, of course.

Only one person can pick Kevin. One, two, three, who's taking it? No, that's not true. Say not it if you're not taking it. Not it. I don't understand the rules. I pick Kevin. Do you want to pick, Ed? Maybe somebody wants to pick you, Ed.

That's fine. Someone can pick me. I'm going to go ahead and start right now. I'm not picking Kevin. Really? I'm going to be the next potential fucking spokesman for DXL. I'm Kissel, and I think I can walk in there and stick that audition after my previous commercial. I don't know. I think you need to gain at least seven more pounds.

I'm going to be him. I thought you were going to say inches. Jackie, why are you so mean to me? Holden and I have the same waist size now. Yeah. But you're the thinnest you've ever been, and Holden's the thinnest he's ever been. 30 dicks. There's 30 dicks?

Yeah. That's your waist size is 30 dicks. Also. And seven gallons. Is that the shirt? Right? Gallons. 38.

It is a good life. I will say you chose proper hold it it's a very good life I'm gonna be bad I'm gonna live in my old apartment for a day you know you don't wanna go

it's a great we have a great flag we have an American flag yeah and you know now that I'm tied down it'll be fun to eat out some

some exotic muff yeah yeah how many exotic muff you get in a day currently celibate again cool alright well then I guess like a priest Ed like a priest so you're fucking kids Yeah, how many exotic muff you get in a day? Currently celibate. Again. Cool. All right, well, then I guess.

Like a priest, Ed. Like a priest. So you're fucking kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not having sex. No. Don't even say it because it's bad for the marketing. That's correct.

I am not a witch. I'm getting you on the defense. This is what I was saying before. Get you on the defense. No, no, no. Denial is worse. I am looking for love. No, no, no.

Denial is worse. I am looking for love. And if there is a woman who is intelligent, beautiful, and has ambition, please. He's laughed all night, I think. Please. Keep in mind, though, as you've been saying this, this whole time there's been a booger in your nose. You have a pretty thick goblin in the nose. I'm done with the whole show. God damn it, Kevin.

You fucking dickhead. You're monsters. Anyway, so Holden had the booger in the club. I'm done with the whole show. God damn it, Kevin. You fucking dickhead. You're monsters. Anyway, so Holden had the booger in his nose. Speaking of the master, Kevin, you can't pick yourself. I'm sorry. You got to choose somebody else. Are you going to be for it? Oh, who am I going to be?

Obviously, I would be Ed, man. I won't be fucking Ed Larson if I'm not being anybody. Eat whatever you want. Eat whatever I want. Hot ass bitch. And if I live like you. She's not going to be happy when she listens But she will take it okay, maybe it's good. I don't know he didn't call it like a long bitch

No, but now she's gonna become upset Wait, that's a nasty bad thing to say Beautiful my new thing for That's a nasty bad thing to say. That is a nasty. No, it's actually not bad at all. Girlfriend's beautiful. My new thing for women or whatever my new. It's okay. Her name is Julie, Walter. Julie.

Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about Julie. What I'm saying is my new thing for whatever. I hate you. You're being a bitch. Instead of saying you're a bitch, I would say you're a mean mom. Good, good, Walter. Very good. Okay, so Kevin.

Why else do you want to be me? Keep going. Yeah, go on. Well, no, man. I feel like if I looked like you, I would spend a lot more time running through fields like carrying an axe or some type of weapon like that. And it's just like, you just look like that, and I feel like you should do that. That's a wasted opportunity.

That's what I wish I could do. You're right. Yeah, it's true. Perfect. Let's see here. Out of anyone in this group. You can't pick me or Kevin. We're already taken.

Yep. No, that's not fair. Wait, wait, Kevin's not taken. I took him. You took him? You already did it? You did it. So you took Kev. Why do you want to be Kevin then?

Because he's the best. Oh, yeah. But why? Why? Living good lives. It's Bert Luger lifestyle. He can do back flips. He goes from jacuzzi to jacuzzi to jacuzzi.

I don't think he's ever mentioned a jacuzzi. Yes, he has. He's a jacuzzi jumper. His whole life is jacuzzis and champagne. I can find a picture of Kevin in a jacuzzi in, I don't know, 30 seconds. 30 seconds. 30 seconds. Man, look at that picture. Let's see here.

Birds, losers. Does it have to be. Bop a bang. Wait, did you just shoot a bird? It sounds like you just shot a bird. Yeah, I'm telling you, murder the bird. Bop a bang. He loves the bird.

No, it's a bird with a gun. Does it have to be one of the six original members of the round table? It can be anyone around the table. Hey, you can pick me. Anyone around the table. It can be anyone around the table. Hey, you can pick me. Anyone around the table. It can be anyone. Let's see here. Just like Holden's childhood, he will be picked last.

Or not at all. Or not at all. Let me see here. I'm going to go with Natalie Jean. Okay. Because A, she is a stunt person who gets to work with amazing horror directors. Almost got killed on the set of Noah, which is a fun

story that I would tell at a bar and then pretend as if I'm a lesbian to get a super hot chick. Boom. Second, she is dating Henry, so she gets to hang with him. Boom. That's fun. I got a good body now. No, you don't. Still not a good body.

A better body. You always have the option to be with a strapping stunt dude, like a ripped dude. Always have that option. She happens to go to these conferences which are just full of big fucking built dudes that flip through the air all the time. I don't think about that shit at all. You look like... And she has a car!

Oh! Natalie Jean! Ben Kissel for Natalie Jean. She's the only one of us. That really just erased all of my middle school years of not getting picked in gym class. Perfect.

Thank God. I feel like I fucked up. I should have picked her, too. Yeah, it's much better. Too late now, Kevin! She knows how to do the fake fighting. Fake fighting. She crocked my guy.

This is crazy because I was actually going to pick Natalie as well just so I could say that I would want Henry inside of me. Oh, but you can't do that. Oh, wait, is that part of that? Yeah, that's part of it. Can I be Jackie? Can I change the whole thing?

I have to have you inside of me now? As many times as I physically can. I'm no second choice. You chose first. You gotta fuck my brother, you asshole. Well, I do have a car, so I'll do it. I'll do it. The fact that you chose Natalie without realizing it.

I don't. It's a deep psychological thing. Yeah, but you chose your best friend's girlfriend. You'd rather get fucked by Doug than Henry? I wasn't thinking of Henry inside of her. At the time, I was thinking about her car and her talents. I don't judge a woman by the man. You can't even take it seriously enough for a second.

I don't do it. Part of your reason why you said you picked her is because she was dating Hennessy. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Having sex with me. I'm not, no. Oh, this is the night I'm on my period. So we're not having sex, are we? Well, actually, I don't ride that red train all day, every day.

Cena, are you going for that too? I would be Walter. Okay. Because he's classy. Yes. He is dating up. Yes. Oh, yeah.

Socioeconomically. Is that an insult to you? Not at all. No. His boyfriend's more successful than everyone in this room. He's a very powerful agent for dating up. If you look at his boyfriend's cholesterol, that's kind of a funny joke there. That's a funny joke.

That was out of line for someone that's not in the room. Walter has always. Delete it. Walter. Delete it. Everybody hurry. Marcus can delete it. There's a bunch of people here.

Marcus can delete it. A please would be nice. Please, Marcus, please. You're welcome. You can't highlight and delete something. Walter has always provided me with crucial advice. My sleeves are rolled up tonight on my shirt. Walter taught me how to properly do that.

I've always appreciated him and loved his- So you want to give advice to people? No, I just think he provides the correct advice to the correct people at the correct times. All right, so. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm just saying, I wanted to have Henry inside me at first, okay? I mean, he was open about it. Henry, you may have your sister's breasts.

They're available. They're available to you for one. I'm still open. 24-hour period. You can have Holden's throat. That makes me want to die. I would choose Holden. Wow. I would choose Holden. Wow.

I would choose Holden, and you know what I would do? I would get up in the morning, and the first thing I would do... You're a fucking loser. And, Jackie, you're a fucking loser. All right. Why would you? I'd wake up in the morning, and the first thing I would do... I would do 100 push-ups, right?

And I'd start doing some crunches on it and get a good healthy breakfast right go out there tell my boss go fuck himself you know I mean be like fuck this job fuck this whole thing do the whole Jerry Maguire thing with your actions the next has to absolutely then I'll go home I'm sorry Natalie I'll bang Jesus out of Lexi just to do it I have to give it to her living life one I would go into the bathroom, and I would take my shaving razor I would bleed out in the bathtub But what happens if you die and hold it then he lives in your body dad first. Yeah, then it'll be a... No, you jump.

You got to jump out of the last minute. Right before you die. All right, Jackie. I'm sorry, it's your assignment, Holden. You can throw it to Jackie. No, I love when you throw it for me. Jackie. I mean, honestly, and it's not even because you're last,

because I'm definitely last, but I was going to choose you, Marcus. But definitely your least. No, no, no, no. Because I don't want to be Kevin because he's too strong. He's too big. And every time I look in the mirror, I'd break it and be like, ooh, I'm mean. I do get angry when I look

at you. So, Marcus, I would choose to be you just so I could be spindly for a day and I would climb a bunch of shit. I was about to say. But the thing is that the end of the day is that I feel like... No, I can't climb anything. I have small hands.

It really is. I want to climb things. For someone who can't... I'm going climbing together. I know, dude. You know how good I am at climbing? I love it too. Look at these hands.

Those are scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I also, I'm spindly and I'm very flexible so I can reach far. Marcus barely has skin. Marcus, I would actually love to hear you answer this question as well. I mean, I was like in the middle of saying that. Oh, no, go on. No, now I'm done. I guess it's just climbing.

I guess it's the only thing that's good about you is that I can fucking climb. I mean, it's the number one thing. It's the number one thing. But also, I would probably- What a skill to have in 2015. No, no, no. I would light a bunch of candles, do like a seance. I would turn us into a warlock.

I would sit atop a building, and then forever when the sun came up in the morning, we would harden, and you would become a gargoyle forever. But I wouldn't be able to climb. Or do the show. No, you're over. But isn't that a way to go out? That is a good way to go out. But I wouldn't even experience it.

You would take that from him. Yeah, I know. Because I get to fucking climb. It's like the Ghostbuster situation where you're inside of the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm Tully. Yeah, I know. Because I get to fucking climb. It's like the Ghostbuster situation where you're inside of the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like I'm Tully. Yeah. Or the dog.

I'm thinking more the dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Louis Tully that became the dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're our nation's current

Rick Moranis. Yeah, I, the nation's current Rick Moranis. Yes, thank you. That's a lie. The nation's current Rick Moranis.

No, you wouldn't give up your career for your fucking kids after your wife dies a tragic death. Thank you. That's a lie. No, you wouldn't give up your career for your fucking kids after your wife dies a tragic death. Probably not. Rick Moranis is a great guy who gave up Hollywood. He has a lot of money and I love Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and I even enjoyed it when he blew them up.

No, that was a bad movie. No, no, no. When the baby went to Vegas it was real fun. Yeah, with the cowboy woman. Yeah, yeah. He plays the guitar. It was real fun. I love it. With the cowboy woman. And soft traffic. Yeah, yeah. Oh, great. He plays the guitar.

It's a great series of films. I completely agree. I forgot about the guitar. Marcus, pick your choice. Yeah, I know you're picking Kevin. Are we skipping past you? No, I know we're going to pick Kevin. Marcus hasn't gone yet. Is Marcus going to go?

I want Marcus to go. I don't know, Walter. Why don't you go? Eddie picked Kevin. Eddie already picked Kevin. It's real. Holden, take control of your segment. I will definitely be Jackie.

I don't want to be everybody's second choice. I want to be really quick. Speed fire. I'm second choice. I actually want to. She looks like Daria. That's not even an insult. That's very cool.

Yeah, man. Black power. I'm not saying it's bad. I just think Daria. Walter. That's a very... Yeah, man. Black power. I'm not saying it's bad. Yeah, okay. Walter. You're a fuckhead. You're done. That was good, though.

I'm going to choose to be Ed Larson. Why? Take it. Not me. Because for once, for fucking once... You can't be Ed already. Kevin Erich. You could book a show that no one turns out to

and feel bad about your room. No. When I make something funny, everyone knows that it's funny because I laugh so hard. Yeah.

Okay. Natalie, your choice. Keep in mind, I did pick you. Did Marcus go? Sorry. Marcus is going to close it out.

If I am to be honest, though, my immediate thought, of course, is which girls I get to fuck in this situation. Everybody's girlfriends are so hot. Mine's especially hot. Yeah, I got a good one, too. I would love to be you if you set me up with a really smoking hot chick beforehand.

I got a bunch of them. All right, I'll get you a hot lady. That's great. So now we're flipping for a day. We're going to... Oh, there's going to be so many tears the next day. Yeah, everything's going to be really fucked up. Jamie Lee Curtis.

Yeah, we're all going to be broken human beings. I'm going to be Cena. Cena's actually the right choice. Yeah, yeah. Cena's the right choice. He is the only happy person in this room. He's on drugs. Cena's on drugs. Cena's on drugs.

He's always on drugs. He gave them to everybody. Also, to be fair, I'm sorry. No one chose me, right? Nobody fucking chose me. I can't be you. Nobody fucking chose you. I can't choice you.

My second choice. Jackie, you're my first choice. Everybody go fuck. Get that nut, you fuckers. I'm going to win. You motherfuckers. I'm going to win. You motherfuckers. I'm going to win. All right, clinch it with your final point to become round tabler of the year.

Man, if you want to get inside it, if you want to fucking fillet it, you got to stuff it first. That is just a crude saying. I'm just going to go ahead and point. I was thinking about shrimp. I was thinking about shrimp. I was thinking about shrimp and crab cakes because man. I'm going to go ahead

and throw the LGBTQ vote behind. Don't LB queen at me. She's rejecting it. She immediately rejected it. It's okay for Jackie to hate on gay people because she's a woman. Because I have a turtleneck on.

No, not because it's a turtleneck. Because we're working for the nut. Yeah gay people because she's a woman. Because I am. I have a turtleneck on. No, not because of the turtleneck. Because we're working for the nut. Yeah. We're working for the nut. We're working for the nut. I guess. I'm pushing it behind you. I'd rather just eat out somebody.

You got to work for somebody. So I guess we can all say everybody won because we're all very successful people and doing very well and following our dreams. I got picked twice. I didn't get picked at all. Henry didn't get picked. You're doing better than others, I'll say that. Wait, Henry, you didn't get picked either, did you?

No, no, I picked Henry. No one picked Henry. No. So no one picked Henry. They have the stress of your life. Like the best life at the table. I think they're just scared of us. And you were in Canada for five months.

You were in Canada, exactly. Oh, so you're tainted. Screaming into the space. You're tainted. You're not even a mayor. I have a $500 sweater. Sweater doesn't make the man. That's called a sweater. Sweater doesn't make the man. That's called a mistake.

Sweater doesn't make the man. Bill Cosby also had a bunch of sweaters. It'll be an interesting future for you, my friend. I can't wait for him to grow old. That's called a hero's reborn. The thing is that I become an American icon if my fan base eventually has to change their name from Cosby heads to Debrowski heads torowski heads to, like, to victims.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point. All right, so this is Roundtable. Yeah. That was the whole show. That's the whole show. It was a very successful show. Thanks so much.

We have some people watching. A lot of them left, but some of them stuck around, which is so exciting. A fair amount of them lost patience with us, yes. Yes. Well, that's okay, because a lot of the people that left weren't worth being here anyway. And thank you guys for letting me come in. I'm sorry. No.

No, and Walter. Yeah, no, you were great. You're very sober. Jackie's a brownie. You still have the booger in your nose. Do I have the booger? Yeah, it's on your right-hand side. It has been driven.

Look, you go into the first picture. Look, I have this right here. What is it? It's a paper towel. It's a paper towel. It's a paper towel. Wipe your nose, sweetheart. He's coming out.

He wants to wipe his nose. Cena's wiping my nose. Cena's wiping my nose. That's a let's not show. Oh, my God. What is happening? All right. Plug your Twitters and shit.

I can't. I'm so... I can't not look at your... At Jack the Worm. I'll do it for you. Thank you, Ed. Can you just close it out, Ed? PlayStation Network, catcher 6945. I'll do it for you. Thank you, Ed. Can you just close it out, Ed? PlayStation Network, catcher 6945.

All right. And we got the Murderfish show on November 14th, 9.30 p.m. upstairs at the Pit. Kevin, you got anything you care about? No, not at all.

At Fat Boy Barnett. Last podcast and left. It's a great show. I hear it's all right. Doubt it. Great show. We just had an awesome time in Washington, D.C.

Thank you so much to Randy for the beef jerky and for all the unbelievable fans, Claude, and all the unbelievable fans that came out and got us extremely drunk. Oh, shit, I didn't realize y'all were talking about Notre Dame for five minutes. I was there yesterday.

I didn't even say. Could have added some valuable commentary. Yep. Yep. Yep. Washington, D.C. Great place. Where are you next week, Kevin?

Next week? Oh, I'm here, man. Fuck yeah.C. Where are you next week, Kevin? Next week? Oh, I'm here, man Fuck yeah Yeah Hell yeah It's a big ass jacuzzi I literally just joined Twitter Three days ago

And I followed you Thank you And everyone did And I love you guys for that I didn't I know I know You'll follow fucking Sean Donnelly

But not me Oh Because he looks like my brother I know. He's amazing. And I love him, but you don't follow me. But he was your go-to, which is kind of an interesting. Of all the shitty, weird people.

I'm very honest. Did you search through everyone she's following? No. I have like thousands of followers. No, because I had a recommended, like, Jackie Zabrowski is following Sean Donnelly. And I was like, but she won't follow me. I see. Yeah, but she won't follow me. I see. Yeah, but she.

All right, so follow Walter. And what is the Twitter? At was that Walter. Was that Walter? Yep. Was that Walter? Follow him on Twitter. That's what the street, like, friends do.

Right, that's what they ask. Was that Walter? Was that Walter? I just felt like he kept on wanting to, like, stroke my dick off. Was that Walter? And Henry felt like he kept on wanting to stroke my dick off. Was that Walter? And Henry, what channel is Heroes on? NBC, 8 p.m. on Thursday. Nobody watches it.

Yo, yo, yo. Everyone needs to watch Heroes like I do. Get stoned at 11 a.m., order lunch, and then watch four episodes. We got every race on the planet in the show. We got a Hawaiian, and we got clones. And video games. We got three black people. We're not that black.

No, we have three black people. They're all villains. They're all PAs on the set. You can't see them. The lady plays a boss, too. We got a lady boss in it, and her front is tight. Isn't that positive for America? Yeah, that's what she is. She's the Steve

Jobs, but a woman who likes to get grease. And Henry, are you dead or are you not dead? No spoilers, but I'm not dead. I shot until fucking two weeks ago. Do you hate Hillary Clinton, Jackie? Do you hate Hillary Clinton? Yeah, of course I fucking do. Okay, thank God. Alright.

Natalie, what's going on? We're out of the show, though. We're not talking about politics, right? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were asking her about Hillary Clinton. No! No! With the Twitter. You can find me at TheNattyGene, and I am currently making love to a very successful man.

Hell yeah. Yeah! I don't want... The term making love is kind of... That's fine. We're going to fucking... I think't The term making love Is kind of That's fine We're going to Fucking You've never seen What I do

I think you're mostly Making pasta That's kind of a funny joke There on my part Kevin I didn't understand No yeah I don't

He doesn't care He's making Sina John Follow him on Twitter At Marcus Parks I'm a bank guest Listen to the brighter side Listen to the brighter side

We got Top Hat We got Last Podcast We got Page 7 I do other things And Sex and the Human Activities If you're on the conservative End of the spectrum Every Friday at 8 the brighter side. Listen to the brighter side. We got Top Head. We got Last Podcast. We got Page 7. I do other things. Also, if you're on the conservative end of the spectrum, every Friday at 8,

I am on Meghan McCain's America Now show. You can tune in and hear me. Are you being a kissle? I'm just saying. I will be on Red Eye November 11th

and on the Greg Gutfeld show on Fox News November 21st. I still come on as a comedian, not as a Fox News hack. Genuine shots. Was that a comedian, not as a Fox News hack. Genuine shots. Was that a get? Was that a get?

I did Kennedy, a great show on Fox Business with Meghan McCain, and I thought she was a delight. I'm going to Africa. All right, so that's the show, everyone. Man, tight as hell. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to