The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 267: Jazzem

Episode Date: November 17, 2015

This week on Round Table: an Indonesian drug czar proposes a thousand crocodile plan to keep prisoners from escaping, a Brazilian toddler defeats a poisonous viper by eating it alive, and a Japanese man is arrested for peeping up women's skirts from underground. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski, Mike Recine, and Skulk the Hulking!

This episode is brought to you by Mushface Comics. Go to mushfacecomics.com to see all kinds of super weird, super awesome, super cool stuff. Josh Rogers is the artist. He's done some amazing stuff for us here at CCR. In fact, I have some of his art hanging in my room at my apartment. He's a wonderful artist. Go check him out. Mushfacecomics.com. The round table. Gentlemen! table gentlemen let's broaden our minds it's time for action gentlemen gentlemen what's the topic of discussion civility gentlemen always civility What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Well, we need to start this show. All right, Mark.

Well, you have to pray. Yeah, I know. I'm waiting for everyone to come back. Everybody's here. Please, dear God, Mike, Racine, which God do you pray to? All of them. All of them? Oh, that's good.

Say the most. Catholic God? Sure. All of them? Oh, that's good. Say the most. Catholic God? Sure. All right. Well, Catholic God, Mike Christine has a new album coming out very soon. Please, dear God, Mike Christine is one of the funniest comedians around. Please let Mike's album do very well. And Mike to not get eaten alive by horrible internet people.

Yeah, yeah. And how they'll trip away at everything that you believe in and how you feel about yourself. Yeah, I mean, you know, they can say whatever they want. He's a former garbage man. He can handle anything. I have God on my side. It doesn't matter. Alright, welcome to the... Is that an amen, Marcus? That's an amen. Alright, welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen

and everyone. It's kind of an interesting roundtable today. We're missing some folks, but we've added some better people. Jackie Zabrowski is gone but her brother is here and i tell you what you shave my chest take off my shirt i'll look just like her naked let us get married yes yeah brother sister jabs i'm jackie how's your squirty bird, Jackie? It's all fucked up because I used it bad. Okay, appropriate and a dead-on impression. Eddie, you're here.

How you doing? I made it out. Life's been good. Miss you, Ben. I like your haircut. I like your... Thank you. You really cleaned up your art.

Very good. Jeans shirts. And jeans. Yeah. But you look good, though. You pull it off fine. Thanks so much, Ed. Why are you mad?

I'm not mad. I said, thanks so much, Ed. Do you remember when Ben was a frog last week? What happened? Oh, and he... He ate the bug. Yeah, he ate the bug. Yeah, he was a frog and he ate the bug.

He ate the bug. A feather flew in my mouth. It was the most disgusting thing that ever happened to me. Oh, you were like a little pillowcase. Oh, God, no. It was like on the street. It was a fucking pigeon feather. Came down from an AC unit or something and fucking went right into my goddamn mouth.

Alright. Alright. Holden McNeely's not here. Where the hell is dumb Holden? Wedding. Another wedding. Someone invited him to a wedding. It's the second wedding he's been to out of town this year. This summer. I think that

Fallout 4 came out and he is finding excuses not to be here. I tried to find an excuse to stay at home and play Fallout 4. I haven't shaved in three days because of Fallout 4. It's great! I'm at a wedding and I have a boner. Yay! He is here.

His spirit lives on through Mike Racine. Nice jumpsuit, Mike. Thanks, I'm so happy to be here. That's great. What do they call the Italian tuxedo you're wearing? Oh, I don't know. This is just one of my, this is one of my, I have like four track suits.

Yeah. And yeah, I wore one of them tonight. Well, you look great. Do you get one the first time that you're called a WAP? It falls from the sky. It just goes right into you.

Really embracing that heritage. That's nice. Kevin Barnett will be joining us later. He is stuck on a train right now, but he'll be here soon. Steve Pacheco is here A.K.A. Skulk the Hulkane What's up guys? How's it going?

Thanks for having me on Happy birthday Well you celebrated on Thursday I'm sorry I wasn't able to make it out on Friday Close enough Okay good And he also has got an album out Just came out

Yep In sickness and in health It's pretty aggressive We have not plugged Racines yet. Yeah, we did. Oh, yes, that's right, we did. I'm doing fine. Yeah, everything is going great.

So in sickness and in health. Yeah. That's kind of nice. And you recently got married. And I recently got married. And Eddie married you. I married him. Eddie married us.

That's great. That's wonderful. Right in Louisville Park. I'm available. If you want to find, if you found love and you want somebody to really go there and just make your wedding great, have Eddie be involved. Are you officiated? Yeah, I'm officiated. I'm a minister.

It was for real. I just think it's really nice that the New York government allowed you to marry a veal parmesan. Yeah, I know. Slippery slope. Slippery slope. Next thing you know. It's a burn zone. Yeah, I know. Slippery slope. Slippery slope. Next time you know. It's a burn zone. It's hot.

Hot under the collar. It's kind of nice. It's only dudes here. Yeah. No one likes marrying a veal Parmesan because it's the only wife you can kill. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, yeah. No longer with her, the smaller she gets. Yeah, you keep her tied up in a box until she's weak and then you eat her. Yeah, dude, dog. Guys are cool.

Bunch of hip cool dudes. The marriage is going well though, Steve? It's great, man. Isn't that nice? She's actually a very beautiful woman. Yeah, she's wonderful. She's a good one. She's very smart too. She's a scientist. She's a scientist. All around. Wonderful woman. Yep. Well built. I like her.

Dear Lord, Henry. She might listen to this. No, she's good. I like her. Dear Lord, Henry. She might listen to this. No, she's good. She's good. She's sweet. What kind of devil magic does she practice in? Well, she is. She's Greek, so she's got a little bit of that evil eye thing. Is she good with money?

Let's talk about that later. Uh-oh. I think we've stumbled upon the sensitive issue of the marriage when steve's the one who's good with money you'll be broke forever um okay no you guys are gonna have a great life and your kids are gonna do so well every time you say something nice it sounds like something mean it just doesn't matter how you take it. All right. So I'm Ben Kissel. We call it Bencerity. Bencerity. That's nice. Marcus, you're here. I guess we should just hop into a news story, I suppose.

Let's do it. A mother whose 17-month-old son was playing in their backyard found the boy covered in blood while holding a poisonous snake in his mouth. Jane Ferreira, the boy's mother, told Brazilian media that her son Lorenzo was so quiet for a while that she went out to see what he was doing and found him with a snake in his mouth and the animal still struggling to get loose. The child was immediately taken to a hospital due to fears that he had been bitten by the snake, but doctors could not find any injuries or symptoms of poisoning. Doctors determined Lorenzo had apparently bitten the venomous snake and killed it. God damn. Fuck yes.

Gore one for the human. Basically, that kid is going to be like the world's strongest man. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Some sort of snake superpower, but I guess that's kind of just like you get a dirty tummy and you can squirm really well. I don't know what the snake superpower is. I've got a dirty tummy. I'm just like really well. I don't know what the snake superpower is. I've got a dirty tummy. I'm just like a snake.

All I do is slither around. You should have been bit by spiders. Spiders give you spider webs. Nah, I've got a dirty belly. This is how Conan was trained. This was like a good day for Conan. When he wasn't pushing the wheel and getting stronger, he would eat a snake. Yeah, the boy had blood in his mouth and on his hands and acted as if the snake was one of

his toys, refusing to release the animal. His mother said that she needed help from her husband to force the child to open his mouth. Yeah. Do you think he's going to use the powers for good or evil? Evil. Snakes are evil, right? is he going to use the powers for good or evil?

Evil. Snakes are evil, right? I just feel like if you witness your son with a struggling with life snake in his mouth while he's going, ha, ha, ha, you officially are no longer like his parents. You can't tell him what to do. You can't go take the snake from him. He is superseded to warrior class.

I completely agree with you, Henry, because he's done something his parents haven't done. When his parents tell him to go to sleep, he's like, I ate a snake. So did you eat a snake? When you eat a snake, I'll go to sleep. You're right. You're right, Lorenzo. You're the strongest one. That's what it says. Whoever is the strongest one in the family becomes daddy.

But you know what's so interesting is, Steve, you had a thought, number one? Nope. Okay. Why didn't he get the poisoning? Can you just eat a poisonous snake and not uh not get the venom well the poison comes from the gland yeah it's up by it's up by its throat yeah it's up by its throat yeah it doesn't course out its teeth yeah it doesn't course through its veins or anything like that if you ate the gland you would die oh but he just bit the snake right in the middle and by the way it was a jararaca which is one of the it's a viper that

is one of the most poisonous snakes in all of the Americas. That's crazy. Where did this take place? Brazil. Brazil. He's going to be a drug lord. Yep. As a matter of fact, Mike, you are dressed like a Brazilian drug lord right now.

I think you would crush in Brazil. You would do great with the women. I like the bright colors. One time I bit a snake and then I ate her pussy. Well, isn't that fun? New album's coming out. That's track number four. You gotta refill the well, you know.

That's great. Actually, can you do that bit? I love that bit about how you bit the snake and ate the pussy. Just workshopping, you know. Love that. Check out his new album on iTunes. It's going to be big. So the kid's a hero.

Yeah, the kid's an absolute. Well, I mean, he's definitely a hero to himself. Yeah, he's 17 months old, by the way. Kid's less than two years old, and he grabbed a venomous viper, put it into his mouth, and then just started chewing on it until the viper... He's like Harry Potter of whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Dirt town Rio de Janeiro.

I love dirt town Rio de Janeiro. But this is my other thing. No, I was just going to say, if you don't have the fear of the animal, is it actually dangerous? There's one thing about being so young and so naive that you don't even understand that you're in a position or in a situation where you're in peril. Well, Jeffrey Dahmer thought that if he took a Filipino boy and drilled a hole in his head and put acid in there, that he would make a sex slave. Right. You know what I mean?

But it kind of worked for him. Only because... For like six hours. That's a pretty long time for a sex slave. But they were dead the whole time. Right, right, right. long time for a sex slave. But they were dead the whole time. Right, right, right, right. They weren't a sex slave. They were a thing he now owned because it was a dead thing.

It was like a rug. It was like a lamp. And now he's fucking. So this is this boy's tie boy. I'm just saying, this kid, if he doesn't have fear of the snake, what else is he not going to be afraid of? It's not really like a rug or a lamp. It's like a big chicken. Yes.

Because he ate it. Yes. Yes. But yeah, you can chicken. Yes. Because he ate it. Yes. But yeah, you can't. You're not normal. Jeffrey Dahmer, don't you know how slaves work, you fucking moron? Yeah. Well, it was a very bad thing that happened in this country at one point, so we've moved on. Jeffrey Dahmer? Slavery!

Oh, what about it? It's bad! Wait a second, is it coming back? No, no, no. It's not coming back, not unless you buy Racine's album. Is that a big thing? Are you second. Is it coming back? No, no, no. It's not coming back. Not unless you buy Racine's album. Is that a big thing? Are you trying to make slavery come back? Available November 20th on iTunes, Spotify. You can hear me on Pandora.

That would be great. What about a monkey? Like a bonobo or something like that. Can you make that your slave? Is that allowed? It's a gray area. Yeah. There's a lot of gray areas when it comes to slavery.

Mm-hmm. Black and white make gray. All right. So, uh... Jesus, man. Steve, what's the favorite... Good point, Ed! It's not a point.

It's actually not even a point. It's a color wheel thing. It's like just... It's like when you're going to direct... Do you all argue with Ed? He knows his color Black and white make a Lisa Bonet If you could have a slave

What color would you want it to be? Blue I want it to go green Avatar man, that's strong Honestly, to be completely honest If I had a slave, I'd want him to be white Just so we can hang out. Yeah, in public and no one in the news.

No one knows where I'm from. I'm glad it's all dudes. This is nice. It's a good energy. Man, just a couple of white guys hanging out, drinking beers, talking about bonobos. I said I wanted a white slave. That's very nice of you, Henry. I think it makes you extra racist in a strange way, but that's fine.

I don't want a disagreeable white like an Irish. I want a nice, just a say yes white from Connecticut. I thought you were done making fun of the Irish. I'm just saying. I respect that. I think they're rebellious. I think it's nice. A disagreeable people.

The Irish. Yeah, very disagreeable. Sensitive. All right, so the snake is dead andable people. The Irish. Yeah, very disagreeable. Sensitive. Alright, so the snake is dead and the boy is strong. Yes, the snake is dead, the boy is strong. Next story. Yeah, what's your favorite new track on your album, Steve? My favorite new track? The favorite track on the new album.

What do we got? Tease it. Grind Money Crotch. Grind Money Crotch. That's what we're listening to later on. That's what we're listening to later on. That's what we're listening to later on. Ooh, that's the single? That's Steve's favorite. The first single was that By Hooker, By Crooked Automatic Assault Rifle

that we played last time I was here. Oh, hell yeah. So this is going to be, I'm going to call it the second single. How'd you come up with the name Grind Money Crotch? Because it's about, you know, how rich people are douchebags.

So, I don't know. Fuck, yeah. Fuck the Irish. Yeah, I know. I'm a little Bruce Sanders. Whatever. Spoken like a true poor person. Oh, my God.

Listen, ever since you got on Fox News, you changed, man. It's true. You're fucking one fucking percent now, Ben. They don't pay me, which is so sad. I'm the one percent on the other end. Which is so sad. I'm the 1% on the other end. It's not good. Oh, the chat has had quite... There's been quite a little conversation about the Irish merciful voodoo on the chat said that she is not agreeable or disagreeable.

Oh, a nice Irish woman. That's very nice to hear. Of course. I don't mean all of you. I mean, you know... She's very nice to hear. Of course. I don't mean all of you. I mean, you know, she's got a big ass. Yeah.

I don't know if that's true about the Irish asker, Marcus. It's analingus dingus on the chat tonight. Irish women got big asses. I don't think that's true. That is definitely true. They almost all starved to death.

Big Irish ass. No, that is not a saying. That is definitely a saying. Marcus, Merciful Voodoo does death. Big Irish ass. No, that is not a saying. That is definitely a saying. Marcus? Merciful Voodoo does have a big Irish ass. But she scored a point. Tell her if she's not disagreeable, she'll send us a photo of it.

All right, send a photo to prove Ed's point, if you would. I don't know. I never heard the stereotype of the big Irish butt, but apparently it seems to be true. Irish women seem to be slender. It's all potatoes and liquor. Of course they got big asses.

Oh, okay. Fuck. That's actually not bad. Potatoes and liquor are not bad. This is why you always have a woman on this show. It's the worst of all of us. Jackie says something legitimately damning to the Zabrowski name like every week. No, and there's nothing wrong with potatoes and liquor.

So the fact that you guys took that in offensive ways is actually proof positive that you are bigots. Potatoes and liquor are wonderful. Merciful Voodoo said, fuck you, Ed. I love potatoes. I love potatoes, too. It wasn't done negatively. Racine, what do you think about the Irish? I'll tell you what.

Out of all the starches, okay, pasta, rice, potatoes. Potatoes are the best. Really? You're going with potatoes over pasta? Absolutely. He has a food podcast. Where would you go, Henry? Because we're both half Italian, half Polish.

So that's pasta and potatoes right there. Which way would you go? I don't know, man. I like a nice homemade pasta. I know. I do, too. I was just thinking about that. But potatoes are fucking great. Yeah, of course they are. Potato pierogies. Potato pierogies. Dude, you don't have, man. I like a nice homemade pasta. I know. I do, too. I was just thinking about that. But potatoes are fucking great.

Yeah, of course they are. Potato pierogies. Yeah. Potato pierogies. Dude, you don't have to fucking convince me. I know. They're good. I know.

I think they're real good. Yeah, why are you... I'm just only mad because I haven't eaten as many potatoes. Why not? Because of the carbs. Oh, you got to get back on the potato game. I miss it. You're going to...

Yeah, you're skinny enough. You are too thin, Henry, and you're going to not eat your way out of Hollywood. You got to start eating more. You're never going to be a looker. No, that's not true, Eddie. That's offensive. No, you're very attractive. I hate you said I'm very handsome.

Yeah, that's good. As they cash the paycheck that you gave me. I think that might have something to do with it. You're trying to get skinny so you can compete with Josh Hartnett and stuff, but now you're not even like him. Josh Hartnett, I want him. I think I'm fucking ready for him. You know what I'm saying?

As a lover? Yeah. Your go-to dreamboat was Josh Hartnett? When was the last time you watched a movie? I'm kind of out of touch. Yeah, I think so. Josh Hartnett is like, I think he's gained a lot of weight. He's pretty great.

I think he moved back to the Midwest. He's just eating his way out of Hollywood the way that you are not eating your way out of Hollywood and hopefully we don't have the inverse of a Hartnett situation. No, I keep drinking beer. You're good. Wasn't he in that movie where he couldn't fuck for a while and then he just got raped? And then everyone was like, it was a comedy?

Yeah, it's like 40 days and nights. Yeah, but he wasn't like man raped. It wasn't like he was, it wasn't like Irreversible where he was pushed down in a fucking alleyway and brutally raped. It's just some hot blonde bobbing on him when he told her no and he was asleep and she fucking drugged him and raped him. 40 days and 40 nights. If you're a man and you get raped, that's all I need to know about you, bro.

What do you think about him? You have a lot of respect for him, and you encourage him to press charges. I really got to hear this Ray C now, man. It's going to be big. That's track number seven. Kevin's here. I just don't know what to expect now. Oh, Kevin's here.

Kevin Barnett! Kevin, you're here. Sorry, we had to start a little bit, well, late. It took an hour. I thought it would take half an hour. I was on the other side. Not a problem whatsoever. All right. Why don't we just start

off with a fresh news story? We'll start again. Irish women, big asses, small asses. What do you think? I think big. I never heard this. I thought it was a small ass. I thought it was a flat Irish ass. Dude, I dated this redhead in high school. My God. Biggest ass

I've ever experienced in my life. How's she doing? Oh, I think she had a redhead in high school. My God. Biggest ass I've ever experienced in my life. How's she doing? Oh, I think she had a bad life after high school. So you were her peak? Yeah. I think so. Damn, man. That's real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate it when my butt's too heavy for my knees. Oh, yeah. Like when Bo Jackson was too athletic for his body, but then her butt was just too big. Too Irish for her hip. Not good. Yeah, the red hair and the big butt is just incompatible. They can't survive.

It sounds good. Does sound good to me. You ever been with an Irish woman, Kevin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was a good time. It was great. Actually, yeah, another big butt, too. Pure Irish?

Yeah. She was from Ireland visiting. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, the tales she must have told when she went back to Ireland. She's like, oh, I once found a coin and it gave me nine wishes. And the only thing I wished for was more ass. Dear Lord.

And Kevin Barnett, apparently. That's good. You had a lot of sex with her. Oh, yeah, it was great. Wonderful. Wow. What's sex like, Kevin? Do tell.

I know. It's fine. You know? You know, someday it'll work out for you. Hopefully. I hope. You know? We all hope.

Just keep praying, dude. One day. Marcus, another news story. Police arrested a 28-year-old man in Japan for allegedly hiding in a drain trying to take pictures up women's skirts. According to reports, Yasuomo

Hirai hid in a gutter 28 centimeters wide in the port city August with his head under a piece of iron grating. He was caught when passersby spotted his hair sticking out of the grate. How about we just nuke that country again? Not a fan of the Japanese?

No, they're great. New album. New album. I gotta build a new hour. Take the picture through the grate, though. Wouldn't that get in the way of what you're trying to see? Slit through a slit. This is like sexual assault Mario.

It's the most Japanese thing ever. Yeah, it is. It's a little trick when you're walking by. I think, you know, why not? Why not keep things interesting? I do not fully understand the upskirt fetish. I don't understand either. Is it the idea that the person is...

You get it? You get it? I mean, yeah. I kind of like the whole upskirt thing. You like the thing when a woman does not give her consent of the picture of her vagina? No, no, no. Not that. I mean, I like looking up when a woman knows what's going on.

But yeah, looking up the skirt... Where's the weirdest place you hid? That's a good question, Mike. Mike's the new host of the show. The best question ever asked. Marcus, answer. Gun range. question ever asked? Marcus, answer. Gun range. A gun range?

Oh, God. Oh, my goodness. But don't you get, like, technically six months for free if you show the attendant the picture and be like, look what I got. And they're like, well, here's your gold member card. No, Marcus looked at the floor and then he painted his body the same pattern as the floor. No, Marcus looked at the floor and then he painted his body the same pattern. By the way, only in Texas do women go to the gun range in a skirt.

Yeah, of course. Well, you got to go to church right after. You got to look good. Skirt, no panties. No, I think they got the panties. They like to see the panties, I guess. Marcus, you are a savage bush person. No, I just don't know. It's kind of sexy. I like it.

Alright, well, I'm not going to Yeah, I like panties. But again, you have to, I guess, politely ask if you can do it. If you're a chick, I mean, I wonder if dudes just started asking them if they were allowed to. I mean, maybe one in I mean we can ask the chat

how many would actually allow it that's the salt if you say I would like to take an upskirt of you as opposed to taking it I wonder how many would actually say yes no no no but all you can do is ask the question and then they say yes or no

that's where it is you can ask anybody anything I think so you can walk up to a man on the street eating a hot dog And then they say yes or no. That's where it is. You can ask anybody anything. Right? I think so. You can walk up to a man on the street eating a hot dog. May I have a bite of that? Right.

Or can I take a picture of your dick? Yeah. Sure. And one out of four will say yes. Maybe. He probably just forwarded you one he has. Yeah, he's a guy. Take a look at this one.

Last Wednesday I had a good dick day. Yep. So you're saying if there was one more guy in this room right now, two of us would say yes if a stranger asked us to take a picture of his dick? Nah, well, not this group. This group's very private. No one's asking us. That's what's so sad. Marcus, would you show me a dick pic?

Would I show you a picture of my dick, or would I let you take a picture of my dick? You're married, Steve. Two very different things. Would you let me take a picture? No, but I might show you a picture of my own or would I let you take a picture of my dick? You're married, Steve. Two very different things. Would you let me take a picture? No, but I might show you a picture of my own dick. Interesting. Okay, so we're already almost halfway there. It's better than pulling it out. The Scotsman wears a kilt.

Is there any upstarts with that? Oh, God, can you imagine the horrible upskirts of just balls and assholes. Fiery red hair. You can see black smoke of stink fucking coming out. Hachi machi.

I hate sitting on the side of the table. I'm looking at what Marcus is fucking looking up. Here's a couple of balls on a kilt upskirt. It's a big ass underwear. Truly, but the kilt is not supposed to be worn with any underwear. It's supposed to be a freeball thing, isn't it?

I did not know that. I think it's just supposed to be worn with no undies. God help me, Marcus, please. Kevin, what are your thoughts on the kilt? Marcus, get off of it. Marcus, stop it. You're zooming in with your own neck. I'm trying to figure out what's going on here.

It's balls and a butt. It kind of looks like a... Yeah, no, that is a butt. That is an asshole. And balls. And up-kilts. Okay, we've had enough of it. Up-kilts.

Up-kilts. There is nothing worse than the inside of a man's thigh yes I completely agree with that I all see my fucking arse I don't even know what that is the kilt is kind of a fun thing though I wish that we could bring it back

I mean the girls get all breezy and things like that I like pants or nothing pants or nothing shorts they're considered pants I don't like pants or nothing. Pants or nothing? Pants or nothing. Shorts? Shorts? They're considered pants? Those are like pants. Short pants.

Kind of. Short pants, yeah. Shorts is a truncation of short pants. Full cover. Full cover. I don't need anything falling out of the bottom. I don't need a dog. You like short shorts, though.

I do. I've seen you in short shorts before. Yeah. Because I got short legs. I'm a you in short shorts because I got short legs. I'm a John Stockton type. I got short legs. Yeah, I know you got short legs, but the pants still go above your knees. Because there's only one or the other. I'm either wearing pants that look like

fucking culottes or I don't want to talk about this publicly. Good point, Henry. Kevin, what's your thoughts on the kilt? I want to hear more about the kilt. The kilt? My thoughts? Pure, honest confusion. I don't understand it yeah

but I think it's dope I've seen I know people they play I remember in FSU there would be a bunch of people that were in the bagpipes and they would wear the shit

all over the place yeah that was fun why do we turn away from the kilt because I can't imagine dropping my phone and picking up to grab my phone

and all of a sudden a dog comes up. And of course it's going to get transferred. You are so arrogant. You think a dog is just dying to lick your asshole? You know it is. Oh, stop. That's the ninth track on Receive Some Help. Check it out.

No dog wants to lick your asshole. I'm just saying, it just so happens, it's not even the licking, it's just sticking its nose up between my balls. Yeah, it's like you're vulnerable in the kilt. You just feel vulnerable. And that's why women wear skirts because they're supposed to be vulnerable. We don't wear them. Again, it's good to be all men. That is a good point, though, and maybe we should change that.

I only wear jeans. I haven't worn shorts in 15 years but I might start wearing a kilt. Why not? That's kind of the cool thing about it. It's like yeah my balls are out you know. I guess so. It's like it's like yeah I'm vulnerable but I think it's more masculine that these Scottish men wear the kilt and they're not ashamed of it.

My balls are out. Fuck you. I can take care of myself. Right. But then I suppose man spreading would probably go away. A lot of people blame manspreading on men just being lazy pieces of shit, but in reality, women just wear dresses and skirts like that. They got to keep it closed. Men, we don't have to have that problem. So that would alleviate that issue.

I don't know, man. Manspreading is fucking touchy. I don't know. Why do people get so upset about it? Oh, I think it's just because they have a phone. Because they majored in sociology and have nothing else to be sad about. Yeah. I mean, you can just ask a guy to scoot over.

I've never once had a guy get pissed off at me and say, hey, excuse me. Yeah, but at the same time, we're all dudes asking dudes. Women asking dudes is something different. Why, though? Because we're fucking scumbags. I guess it's true. There's a lot of us that aren't most of us here are decent people yes we are yes oh we are highly decent decent we are

evolved sure we're all fucked in the head but i mean like you know we're decent human beings but there's a lot of there's a lot of dudes out there who are not decent human beings it's just truly comfortable to sit with my legs i mean i agree agree too. I mean, I don't want to squish my balls. But I'll close them. But I mean, I'll close them if I get asked, but there's a lot of men who act like assholes, you know? But look, it's not the patriarchy trying

to impose their dominance on you. No, no, that's the problem. My balls are going to hurt. When people write a whole think piece about this, they're trying to be dumb and all. It's like, literally, I'm just trying to, I'm fucking comfortable. It's just comfortable for my asshole and my balls.

My asshole hurts a lot. If I sit for a long time, I'm fucking nuts. You're specifically the hole? Yeah. If you sit for a long time. I don't ever, ever want to hear about the hole on Henry Marcus. What is wrong with you? Because you can really feel the rim of it

if you're sitting for a long time. Oh, but you got no ass. I got no ass. See, I got a huge ass. I can sit for days. No, no, my asshole presses right against my jeans onto the seat. So you're saying if you didn't have pants on,

you'd be kissing the seat? Yes. We gotta get you some lips. Yeah. Isn't that nice? What, like collagen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to look like Kendall, what's her gender?

What's her name? Kimsey gender? What's her name? Caitlyn? Caitlyn. Yes. No, no, no, no, no. He's got a big old ass, that man.

That's a woman. That woman. You messed up the pronoun. That will get you kicked out of Hollywood. Yes. No, she is beautiful. I think she's the bravest woman I've ever seen. Oh, what a brave woman.

I think it's so much braver for her to have gotten her... Didn't even get his dick chopped off. I'm just saying, she's very brave. She's brave. It was so funny. My mom fucking called me furious about... When she was woman of the year? Yeah, just like my mom was as soon as it happened

she was like fuck that piece of shit I was like alright well mom we gotta calm down a little bit and she's like no he was married three fucking times and if he wanted to be a woman he should have been a fucking woman and in my mind I was like she's kind of right at the same time we all have to

understand that she is better than Hillary Clinton yes she is that's Hillary Clinton. Yes, she is. That's very true. And I love your mother. And, you know, she makes a lot of valid points. It's murderers. He killed people. Oh, yeah.

Caitlyn Jenner. He wasn't a murderer. With his car. Her car. Sorry. She killed people with her car. I don't want to make people mad. Herbie was a man, right?

Knight Rider was a man. The love bug. Definitely Herbie. Herbie is a man's name. Knight Rider was a man. The Love Bug, definitely Herbie. Herbie is a man's name. Knight Rider could go either way. Kevin, you sold a show to NBC. And you're wearing a hat that has the name of the show that is currently on TruTV. It was an accident, man.

Isn't that fun? You're wearing your own swag. Yeah, I don't want to do that, though. I'm not that dude. You're that dude. Yeah, I don't want to do that, though. I'm not that dude. You're that dude right now, though. I'm terrified of wearing something like this around comedians for this exact reason. Specifically black comedians. It's very tough.

Oh, yeah, because they'll immediately dig into you because of the fucking hat. It took a while for y'all to notice. Well, it's because it's on the underside. It's very subtle. I noticed. I just didn't say anything. I'm just not letting you. How's Friends of the People going? Oh, it's dead. Yeah, good. So now you can say anything. Yeah. I'm just not letting you. How's Friends of the People going?

Oh, it's dead. Yeah, good. So now you can wear it. Yeah, yeah. Now that it's dead, you can wear it. I'm not advertising. So there is no longer a show on True TV called Friends of the People. There's no season three.

No, no, no. What did you hate the most about the show? What did I hate the most about the show? Why did your show fail? The audience wants to know. Why did your show fail? The audience wants to know. Why did our show fail? I don't know, man. I mean, you know,

everybody had to do shit. People were busy. The show didn't fail. They all got fucking network jobs. Yeah, they're all doing better than ever. Easy on him, okay? They all literally got promoted. Where are you fucked up?

They got promoted at $50. Kevin, give him $50. He needs another tracksuit. Oh, that's great. No, people love Friends of the People. It was a super successful show.

Was it? Yeah, it did very well. I thought it did well. I watched it. I think it was a good show, though. I mean, I don't have to cable, but... It was a good show, though. I mean, I don't have the cable, but...

It was a whole thing. Are you proud of it? Yeah, there was stuff I liked. It was good. I've watched a lot of it for free on YouTube. That is actually the truth. They put up a lot of the sketches for free. And what were your thoughts?

Why did it fail, Henry? I thought it was a very well put together show and a good cast, but they all literally just got bigger, better jobs. And so why do that anymore? Right. This is great. I'm going to be on the Greg Gutfeld show on the 21st on Fox.

You're visibly sweating, man. No, I'm not. I'm not jealous. Sheets of sweat. I'm not jealous. The accusations. No, I'm just kidding. That's great. It's a good show. Check it out just kidding. That's great.

It's a good show. Check it out. Heroes. Friends of the people. What's that? Greg Gutfeld or Friends of the People. I mean, they're all good shows. Any show that any of us are on are good shows.

Destination Extra Large has not gotten back to me yet, by the way. Did we tank you? You blew it. I might have blown it. Maybe it was the multiple tweets I sent to them demanding they hire me, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But the weird grimace on your

face says it matters. No! I have a can of vegetable soup at home. I have a white. I mean, I've known you for a long time, and I think you're going to be fine in the long run. Or you're going to die penniless under a bridge. That's nice.

And that's track 11 on Mike Racine's new album. Check it out. Kissel's may be fine, question mark. What kind of vegetable soup? Chunky. Oh, it's just vegetable. And I don't mix it with water. I just eat it right out of the can.

Because I feel like the water is just gentrifying the goodness that Campbell's wanted to give me. Yes. This is a homeless man's reasoning. Not bad. I was going to say, there's a lot of... Penny the son of the bridge looking good, Mike Racine. There's a lot of soup that you don't need to add water to. So, you know, that's...

You're poor. That's poor people's soup. Yeah, you add water to it, you might get two meals out of it. Yeah. You get more soup. All right. I can't relate. I know, between you and Henry.

Henry has said a lot of under his breath, like, well, you're impoverished, jokes as of late. And I just have to say, you're correct. What'd you eat today, Kevin? Oh, today, where did I go? I went to this dope Japanese spot. Tell me about it. Japanese for lunch? Yeah, then I got a massage.

With the hat of your own television show on the hat while getting massaged by a woman that's technically your slave for an hour. What did you think when you finished with the massage and put your hat with your own TV show's name on it afterwards, what was the thought that was going through

your head? Fuck everybody poor to me. Good, good. Oh, yeah. I felt that, actually. Yeah, you just like, it was like a pain in your shoulder. Kevin must have gotten a massage. Yikes. That's great.

How's the Hulu special coming along, Henry? I can't talk about it. Oh, you cannot? Okay. But I do have a comedy special coming's the Hulu special coming along, Henry? I can't talk about it. Oh, you cannot? Okay. But I do have a comedy special coming out on Hulu that I cannot talk about. But we can say that sentence. I don't know. We edit that out then.

Of course. All right, let's move on. All right, yeah. And what we do is you bleep out Hulu. And then I'll do this. You just said it again. You just said it again. But you can replace it with this. I'll say, Hulu. And then I'll do this. You just said it again. You just said it again. But you can replace it with this.

I'll say, Hulu. And then you just take that bite and you just put it in all the effort. I think it'll be fine. Hulu. Hulu. That should work. All right. I'll take that.

Thank you. Can I have one more just in case? Hulu. Thank you. Perfect, Eddie. Well, back to this Japanese man in a grate in Japan story. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He hid in the small space for five hours to take pictures from under the grate with his smartphone. He reportedly revealed to the police that he wants to be reborn as, quote, a part of pavement in the next life. Dang. You know what I'll say is that that shows the tenaciousness and the steadfastness of the Japanese people that caused them to last for six years in World War II. That's why I bought a Toyota.

Yeah. Now, is that possible? Can you be reincarnated as something that's inanimate? Something that's not a flesh and blood? I don't think so. So he's got it all wrong. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's wishful thinking. He's got a pervert's fantasy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. To wish to be reborn as a piece of concrete is a pervert's fantasy. Just so you could see panties. Yeah. Does he even want to have sex? No, I think he just wants to see the panties. Let him see them.

So, now, is he looking at some serious jail time here? Let's see you. Now, is he looking at some serious jail time here? Let's see here. He has been arrested in the past for the same offense just two years ago. So that means he probably, as soon as he got out of jail, went right back to it. And this is the first time he's got caught since then. But you could pay like a prostitute and follow her around. Yeah, but that's the thing. That's not where the fetish is.

But that's expensive. Yeah. This is what he's doing is free. And he also gets off on them not knowing that he's looking at her. You've got to invest in you. That's what Goop taught me, the Gwyneth Paltrow website. It's called Goop? Yeah, you've got to invest in you.

Really? Yeah. He calls it Goop? Yeah, because she's an asshole. Lots of lemons. That's what Goop? Yeah, he's got to invest in you. Really? Yeah. He calls it Goop? Yeah, because he's an asshole. Lots of lemons. That's what Goop teaches you. A lemon-heavy diet. Seven lemons a day. Isn't that

something? Seven lemons a day? It's literally the sour bitch diet. Who eats a lemon to eat a lemon? You have to be a...ancid on the inside. Right. You have to be such a piece of shit to anybody who's ever met you if you eat lemons all day. I mean, Henry, you've been around the Hollywood scene.

You kind of know what these people are all about. I mean, I guess you just get so much wealth and so much success that you can just kind of jerk off diets. People who do that, people who reach that level of stardom go a little crazy. And a part of it is it's very real because their world becomes smaller and smaller and smaller because truly, as you get higher up in echelons, you can't trust as many people. So your world becomes really small, and it becomes people eventually that you're just paying to be around you all the time. You have maybe a couple of loved ones and family members that remember you when you were vaguely normal, but now you're like a complete...

So yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow sits around all day probably signing pictures of Shakespeare in Love and eating lemons and thinking like, today's a really good karma day. I feel good. I feel it's a blue day. Tom Cruise has an entire team of people that scouts out every room that he goes to.

He doesn't go to the next room without a bunch of people following, scanning, making sure everything is exactly to his liking. Everywhere he goes, all the time. And he comes in real energetic and happy and fun. Everyone thinks Tom Cruise is great. But do you think it's because he doesn't have to think about a single thing anymore besides being Top Gun, Tom Cruise. Being on top of his game.

I know I briefly wrote for Charlemagne the God on MTV2. He had a show, but then they found out that I am too white to know what a ratchet is. That's a human being. Yeah, that's a girl. It's a girl that I thought it was a tool. I got it all wrong. No, a ratchet means

it's like janky, right? No, it's a woman. Kevin? It's a janky lady. Yeah, you know, she's loose woman. It's a janky lady. It's a janky lady. Janky? Yeah, you know, she's loose. Yeah. She's just got it morally, you know?

But it's a good term as well. A lot of the white girls wear the ratchet hats and things like that. They like it. But is the ratchet supposed to tighten the knot? That's what I thought. I thought it was a tool, but it's a person. Yeah, it's a person. It's a nasty girl. Well, I guess a ratchet could also loosen the knot, too.

Yeah. Yeah, it goes both ways. But they were saying that when Jay-Z would come to the studios when they would do shows, it was exactly that. He had 50 or 60 people that it was just like, you had to go through like 50 people just to get to Jay-Z and then when he would actually show up, I mean, the entourage was absolutely massive.

Yeah, to your point. Yeah, so they do asshole projects like Goop where they think they're outreaching to people. Like, she thinks Goop makes her look more human. Normal, yeah. But actually, it's the opposite. It makes you look as much of an out-of-touch maniac. What's Goop?

It's her website? It's her website where she had, like... And she gives people advice and stuff? Like, life tips and diet tips and, like, ways to organize your life and how to be a mommy and shit like that. Kevin, would you ever want that life where you have to have somebody go in and check out the rooms

before you enter? It does seem kind of fun. It seems kind of dope to have people go in and make sure everything is exactly how you want it or even fucking enter a room. You do. I don't know how I want it. But you sacrifice your sanity. You sacrifice a part of being any sort of normal

whatsoever. So get ready for it, Steve, when your album takes off. Definitely not this album. All right. Very good. I like your attitude, Steve. I like it. I'm a realist, people. Crazy, though. It's very interesting.

All right, Marcus. Every time I think of Goop, I think of Cum. I can't help it. Yeah, yeah. It's a terrible name. That's how disconnected she is, I think of cum. I can't help it. Yeah, it's a terrible name. That's how disconnected she is, I suppose. Maybe she didn't know that was a terminology. Yeah, she wanted to call it jasm. It's like I love jazz and everyone loves an orgasm. You put them together.

Yeah, she probably had to buy out an amateur porno site to get that. Goop was also the name of a Super Nintendo game back in the 90s. Goop sounds like cumming on another man's balls. Give me the goop! That's what the game was. It was very hard. All right, let's get out of Japan here. Let's get out of Japan.

Let's go to Delaware. That's a bad move. An emu who's escaped more than 60 days ago prompted lockdowns at two Delaware elementary schools has been captured. What? Good. An emu prompted two lockdowns at an elementary school? Yes, at two separate elementary schools. How pathetic and scared are we of nature?

This is why the Brazilians are going to beat us. They got 17-month-old month-year-olds eating snakes and our schools are on lockdown because of an emu. Are you kidding me? After the ISIS attacks, people are on high alert. It's an emu! It doesn't even know how to wear a vest. They glued

guns to the side of the emu. They're getting really sophisticated by getting ultra not sophisticated. I feel like 50 years ago they would have taken kids outside to see the emu. Yeah, they'd be like, oh, go look at the emu. What do you think, Kevin? They're very aggressive animals, man. Emus, they're angry.

They are. Big. Yeah, they're big as fuck. People aren't talking about them enough, in my opinion. This is the one thing where if everybody was armed, we'd be safer from emus. That is true. Yeah, you know what it took to bring this emu down? It took the Department of Agriculture and the co-owner of Three Palms Petting Zoo,

a man named Dan Stonebreaker. Ooh, what a name. Him out there in an emu costume going like... Punched it to death. With his stone hands. Yep, they were able to chase the bird into a trailer, and they're now moving it to a secure facility. Oh, this is too much.

The thing has talons, man. Talons! Have you thought about what talons are? They're just little nails. They're nails. I'll tell you what's going to happen. What, did it escape? Yeah, it escaped from the Three Palms Petting Zoo. Yeah, because Dan Stonebreaker cleans up his own mess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he knew that Emu had a kick to him from the very beginning, looking at his fucking white stripe on his side. I mean, you can't just go locking down schools every damn time an emu gets loose on a campus. I mean, in two schools? I mean, what was the radius of this emu's terrorist activity?

No, it was a soft lockdown. I think he went by one school and then ran straight to the other one. I don't like what we're teaching kids. You should have sent out the biggest kid to go hunt down the emu. And it was a big deal around this town in Delaware. It said over the past week, authorities have received a growing number of calls from people who had spotted the bird or come close to hitting it with their cars. You know that they're going to grind that thing up into the pink goo from McNuggets.

Oh, yeah. Goo! Goo goo. I would have taken that thing down for a veal parm sandwich. Yeah. But what's crazy is aren't there bears in Delaware? Like I'd be much more afraid of a bear than an emu, right? But that's the thing, man.

People in Delaware are prepared for bears. Yeah, emus. It's just like you don't know what the fuck they're going to do to you. That's the same thing you talk about like even just fighting style. This is martial arts. You know kung fu. You're not ready for Wing Chun. Yeah, man.

This is what it is. It's got wings, not arms. What the fuck do you do with it? Exactly. I never heard of anybody using an emu fighting style to win in some sort of battle, though. I'll never be afraid of a bird. Never. You should, man.

There's some scary ass birds. Yeah, man. Mike, do you think the kids are too weak today? Probably a little bit, yeah. Right? But think about it. The wars will get less dangerous. If we send emus over there?

No, the more and more we make all generations weaker. You know what I mean? But there's other countries, again, like Brazil, where 17-month-olds are eating snakes. Everyone else is getting stronger, and we're on lockdown because of a goddamn emu. Brazil will never be a superpower. They spend half their year nude in parades. Oh, thank God lockdown because of a goddamn emu. Brazil will never be a superpower. They spend half their year nude in parades. Oh, thank God.

They are a superpower to me. Brazil is the sleeper superpower. Mark my words. They're the sleepers. Why? Yeah, they're waiting until all the rest of us kill each other

and then they're gonna slowly slide their way up. And then everyone will get to love the new type of plantain. That's all I know. That's very good. They eat plantains?

Yeah. A lot of AIDS down there, too. Great. Big Irish asses on them. Yeah, I've heard that. That's what they say. Brazilians don't own big asses. The Irish do.

Everybody knows all the big asses came from Ireland. They bequeathed that to all the rest of the people. Very nice. By the way, the bear population in Delaware is zero. Zero? All right, all right, all right. So it makes a little more sense, I guess. What are the most dangerous animals in Delaware?

Spiders. Spiders. Ah! All right. My fucking pussies. Now I'm going to spiders.us to spiders of Delaware. Yeah, what have they got? Just give me a second.

You guys talk amongst yourselves. I'm not afraid of spiders neither. Kevin, if you were a kid and an emu came walking by your door in elementary school, middle school, high school, would you encourage a lockdown situation? I'd stay the fucking side, man. Self-preservation. You don't know how to deal with an emu. I said it before.

All that pecking. I feel like I could take out an emu with a bat. They got huge mouths. If you had a bat, like I'm saying, if you're armed. It's an elementary school. They got lots of bats. There's tons of bats. Why don't they just go through a bunch of dodgeballs at it?

I didn't think about the bats. I didn't do it. It's like Columbine. Just whap it in the neck. Since Columbine, are not more teachers trained to fight? They're all armed.

Many of them are armed. Didn't help at Sandy Hook. You know what? We should start giving teachers a set of guns or we should start giving them whips. I thought you were

going to say emus. No, because they shit everywhere. Yeah. If I was a teacher, I'd be armed with kisses. That makes you a little less good.

God, that's creepy. You just fucking guaranteed you're never going to be a teacher, I'd be armed with kisses. That makes you a molester. That's creepy. You just fucking guaranteed you're never going to be a teacher. That's some stuff you don't want on the internet. No one ever said, oh, I love Mr. Larson because he's so full of kisses. They only say that on the stand. Yeah, exactly. Yikes. Any spider news, Marcus?

No, but someone on the chat, Merciful Voodoo, the same big-ass Irish woman. Thank you for your contribution. She is very involved today. She told me about Modoc the elephant that got loose in Wabash, Indiana. Way back in 1940, almost killed a farmer. Chauncey Kessler. It just turned out. Who was it? Who was it that turned out to be?

Finish the joke. You got it. It turned out to be a huge woman. That's all. It's actually better than I thought it was going to be. That was pretty funny. Flabbergasted pharmacy clerk Helen Myers into sheer fright behind the soda fountain. Oh, my goodness.

What a time. From the circus? Yeah. Knocked over the peanut roaster. Damn. What does the chat say? Should those kids have been on lockdown? Should the kids have been on lockdown?

They're talking about, let's see here. What are they talking? They should be listening. I don't know. You can do both. No way. Eddie, yes. Most people can talk and listen at the same time.

That's why you're not in charge of the computer, Eddie Marcus. They're not saying anything. They've gone silent. Wonderful, man. By the way, as far as dangerous two-legged birds, land birds, cassowaries. What the fuck is a cassowary? They are like as close to a modern-day velociraptor as we come. They're in Australia.

They're seven-foot tall birds. Australia is full of shit that will kill you. It's full of shit. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's horrible over there. But everyone's really good-looking. Yeah. It's horrible over there. But everyone's really good looking. Yeah.

In Australia? Yeah. But there's like spiders that sit in your toilet and will bite your ass if you don't forget to flush before you sit down. That can happen anywhere. Henry, who told you that everyone in Australia was good looking? There's some good looking Australians. There are some good looking Australians.

They're strong. They're fast. But I would never say that everyone in Australia is good looking. That's not even close to a stereotype. It seems to me, it seems like that is a place where people are notoriously good looking Australians. They're strong. They're fast. But I would never say that everyone in Australia is good looking. That's not even close to a stereotype. It seems to me, it seems like that is a place where people are notoriously

good looking. Really? They exercise a lot. They don't have cars. They gotta run from place to place. That's not true. I never heard such a thing before. Racine, your thoughts

on Australians? They're animals. New album. Yeah. There's someone on this answer. your thoughts on Australians? They're animals. You asked him. There's someone on this answer. Why do Australians tend to be more attractive than British people? Because they're British. But that's the thing.

Australians were originally British. Yeah, they're the convicts. It's just the British men that are ugly. So you're saying that they said all the good-looking guys in Britain were all criminals, and they sent all them to Australia. Yeah, because that's what happens. You take a bunch of guys that would be dashing men, and they jailed them for handsomery, and then fucking threw them to rape violence.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard that before. Bad island to be on. Yeah. Especially if you're a singer or a poet or a dancer. Yep. Not great. All right, Marcus, what you clicking on?

I'm just checking out more stuff about Australia and cassowaries. Well, we're still trying to do a podcast over here. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to find more information for us to talk about. We can move on from the whole thing. We can move on from all of that, but we still got more. I mean, it's an all-animal news show today, really, except for the Japanese story. But yeah, let's go to Jakarta, Indonesia.

Ooh. Exotic. Yes, very exotic. I love hummus. They don't have it there, except for specialty stores. What? He was just saying it. No relation to the...

When Indonesia's anti-drug czar announced plans to guard a death row prison island with crocodiles, the government rushed to explain that it was just a joke, but on Friday that same anti-drug czar said he was now thinking of using tigers and piranha fish as well. Yeah. Why not? That's fucking cool. Hell yeah, man. Technically, that'sanha fish as well. Yeah. Why not? That's fucking cool. Hell yeah, man. Technically, that's like ecologically sound.

Right. I kind of agree with you. Yeah, as long as the tigers aren't in the water with the piranhas. Yo, that would not be good. Yeah, because then they'll be fighting. Ooh, man, piranhas and crocodiles. That'd be a cool fight. Yeah, I mean, as opposed to guns and having armed tanks around and barbed wire,

why not use nature? I mean, this is the whole point of it, right? This is what tribes used to do for millions and millions of years. And if they get out, they get out. You know, good for them. If they got past the piranhas, the tigers. If you can harvest the piranha and use it for your own purposes, put it in a moat or something like that, I mean, hell yeah, it's a natural defense system.

Mm-hmm. Media quoted the National Narcotics Agency chief as saying that he had already obtained two crocodiles from a farm to study their power and aggression and may ultimately put as many as 1 000 in place to keep convicts from escaping fucking cool that's incredible i really it's kind of a feeling of what you do is you take like a weird electric shock collar and you put it on a crocodile. You fucking zap. It'll call the times. It'll make it snap on command.

Yeah, that would be great. Yeah, that'd be really fucking great. Super cool. How do you feed a thousand crocodiles? I know. That's the thing is I feel like it sounds monetarily not sound. Indonesia has a giant poor population. Yeah.

And I'm not saying that this is necessarily good or bad. Please fucking lay your Indonesia knowledge on us. This is not a good choice. If you look at economic patterns, if you look at how people evolve, what you may want to do is take the, I don't want to say the untouchables, but you want to take some of these, the poorer or the guys born blind. You chop them up into slurry. You feed them to the crocodiles.

Well, I don't even think you have to chop them up. You could probably just throw them in there. Make it easy for the crocodiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also they should be... They don't have cavities, you know. They should be hungry and only get to eat if they catch a prisoner. Right.

That's the whole thing. I mean, that's the thing. You don't actually have to feed anybody to the crocodiles. This is the whole point. When somebody does try to break in. They have a whole fleet of weak crocodiles. No hungry crocodiles are not weak crocodiles. Hungry crocodiles are dangerous crocodiles.

They'll probably eat each other. God, that'd be so fucking cool. That we could be able to tell that to the prisoners. Where you go in there and be like, bad day outside. The crocodiles are eat each other. God, that'd be so fucking cool. We could be able to tell that to the prisoners. Where you go in there and be like, bad day outside. The crocodiles are eating each other. So we have to release one of you out there to satisfy them. Every U.S. prison should get rid of the barbed wire. Get rid of the armed gunmen on top of the little tower there.

And just, yeah, moats, crocodiles, a jungle-like setting. I think that would be much, much better. Crocodiles are cannibalistic. They eat the smaller ones, which is why when you see a group of crocodiles together, they're all relatively the same size. Cool. Awesome. Rock and roll. Yeah, so it's fine. So you don't

actually have to feed the poor to them. They will eat themselves until they're actually sent to do their job. So it's only the biggest ones. Crocodiles get like 26 feet long. I have a crazy amount of respect for the alligator and the crocodile, any sort of swamp creature. They didn't choose that life.

You know what I mean? How do you have respect for them? Crocodile's more of like a river, ocean creature. No. The alligator's a swamp creature. I think if you're eye to eye with a shark or a crocodile, what's more terrifying? There's only two places in the world

that there's alligators. Florida and China, I'm pretty sure. Really? China? No. Listen, I went to second grade and I remembered a couple things.

He's wearing a track suit. He's right. The American alligator and the Chinese alligator. Holy shit. Really only in Florida. And also North Carolina. You guys all got it in Texas, Louisiana, Georgia. You guys all write me off.

A little bit of South Carolina. Yeah, the southern, southeast, yeah, all of Florida and Louisiana, parts of Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, parts of South and North Carolina, east Texas, and the southeast corner of Oklahoma and the southern tip of Arkansas. Louisiana has the largest gator population. What? Not Florida. Yeah.

Oh, shit. The rest of the world, it's motherfucking crocodiles. Do you know the difference between an alligator and crocodile? Thinner? Like a crocodile's thinner? Yeah. The crocodile's, their teeth are on the outside, too, right? You see them when their mouths are closed. Oh, I thinner? Yeah. The crocodile's teeth are on the outside too, right? You see them when their mouths are closed.

Oh, I think so. Alligator, the teeth are on the outside. Their heads are huge, the crocs. They're so big, though. Now, the gators are super big. The crocs are skinny. These guys are like a couple of Richard Attenboroughs. This is nice.

It's almost like the crocodile would fucking Kill a gator Who would rip a gator up Really Oh yeah much Much more dangerous Of an animal It was angry Just real angry

All the time Steve Irwin died He was the crocodile He got stabbed in the chest By a manta ray A stingray Or a manta ray Yeah

It was a crocodile Doing a kid show Huh Yeah yeah yeah Crocodiles Much more deadly Than alligators much bigger i'll guess what i'll eat the meat either one of them nice good yeah holden is i'd say a holden on there the holdens there's a holden uh type of fucking pink fat alligator there is a video on youtube

of like a leopard that just fucks up a crocodile yeah it like sneaks up behind and it just kills it nice it's more like a caiman. He's probably a fucking caiman. Oh, yeah. Those are the ones that hang diagonally in the water and it's just their head that's right up above it. Yeah, yeah. I remember those.

I know all about this shit, man. Yeah, man. You're on top of it, Kev. This is nice. You know the gobble? The gobble? With the long snout? With the skinny long snout?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone likes the gobble. They probably get bit by everything, man. You're talking about a gobble? The gobble? With the long snout? With the skinny long snout? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone likes a gobble. They probably get bit by everything, man. Gobble? Gobble, yeah. You're talking about a gobble. I'm talking about gobbles. Gobble. Go with a picture of a gobble.

You know what? This conversation makes me want to buy some shoes. Not a gobble, a gobble. They would be nice looking shoes. Very nice. All right. So that was interesting. Gobble alligator.

Gobble alligator. Like G-O alligator. He's obsessed with gobble alligators. All right, Eddie, you have 90 more seconds of alligator talk, and then we have to. Oh, my God. All right. Well, if you're going to. A gharial.

A gharial. Not a guff. It is also known as a gobial. A gobial. A gobial and a gharial. You should look at this thing. It is also known as a gaviel. A gaviel. A gaviel and a gaviel. You should look at this thing. It's got a weird fucking snout. It's like a swordfish.

It's got a real weird face, yes. Look at that thing. Isn't that cute? Yeah, it looks like it's got a dick for a face. That's great. Oh, it does look like it has a dick for a face. It looks like a bad guy in Mario Brothers. Yeah, it's a fun little animal.

Isn't that nice? I think India's got them. Huh. Yeah. That and no bunch of rape. Eddie, I just want you to talk for like two minutes. Eddie, what's on the top of your head right now?

Gobbles. It's not even the name of it. Anything else? How's your life going? My life's great. My life's good. How about yours? We don't talk about it, Ed. Well, I was asking. It was just my time. My life is very... Do you want? We don't talk about it, Ed. Well, I was asking. It was just my time. No, my life is very, very... I talked about it when I was.

It's about two minutes. Okay, so you want me to talk for your two minutes? I asked you a question. My life is going very well. Yeah, thank you. Why? Well, I was sweating the other night. I've been sweating a lot lately when I sleep.

Yeah, me too. I'm like a heat rock for a lizard. Yes, and it's nice because then I don't have to work out or anything like that. Do you use a blanket or not? I've been wearing, literally, not a lie, I've been trying to lose a lot of weight. I was a wrestler in high school. You know what we used to do? Wear garbage bags.

So you've been sleeping in garbage bags? I have been. That's not what you're supposed to do. Is this real? Are you kidding me? Are you sleeping in garbage bags? Do I eat pretzels before I go to sleep? Is this real? Are you kidding me? Are you sleeping in garbage bags? Do I eat pretzels before I go to sleep? Yes. Yeah.

All right. So sleep in garbage bags, put a sweatsuit over it, put a bunch of blankets on top of you. When the heat kicks in, you're sweating profusely. You're going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're losing weight like my grandmother. Yeah.

And when she was sliding into dementia. Yeah. Yeah. Call that a Polish sauna. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You're losing weight like my grandmother when she was sliding into dementia. Call that a Polish sauna. Jesus Christ. Which is slang for a stupid sauna. No, I'm just kidding. I don't do that, but I have been sweating a lot. Good. I sweat a lot when I sleep as well.

Very good. Can I ask yourself? Do you sweat when you sleep? Not when I sleep, but I sweat very easily. When I have sex, I sweat a lot. When was the last time you had sex? Maybe like a year ago. Hell yeah.

I like to see that man patient. It'll happen again. It's good, actually. I just bought a car. I bought a used car. Oh, yeah? Congratulations. But one of the big reasons was so that I could sell pasta sauce out of the trunk because

the hardest thing about it is distribution. Yeah. So when you went and you bought the car, you're an Italian guy, you like to wear track suits, and you looked in the trunk and you're like, that's good. Yeah. That's good. That's good. That's good.

Yeah. Were they concerned you were going to put bodies in the trunk or anything like that? I mean, who cares? But all I need to carry is like three cases at a time, you know? So are you carrying it to like a park on the street and open it up like in little Italy and sell pasta to the tourists or? No, I mean, just like I'm going to take online orders and stuff and then I'll be like, I'll be on Facebook being like the sauce wagon is going to be here.

Henry has a whole new, a whole different meaning for the sauce wagon. Yeah. Henry has a whole new A whole different meaning For the sauce wig Yeah Yeah We're gonna get you Like a little You know people have Tennis balls on their Antenna We got you a little meatball

Okay That'd be great That'd be kind of nice I'm actually kind of hungry Just hearing you talk About that sauce I wish I had some To sell to you

I'd try to buy some From you Yeah I would happily Take your money right now Yeah I got sauce buying money Yeah Yep

You a little broke, Mike? No, I'm doing okay, but it's like, you know, this time of year, it's slow. Well, that's why he might be broke now, Ed. Racine Brothers.

Yeah. Basta Sauce. Go get some. But there's no brother. Yeah, he's got two brothers. No, I got two brothers. Are they both in on it? No, one's retarded,

and... Yeah, so they got... I mean, no one wants to... Okay, so you can't call Racine Brothers... He guards the sauce. It's just Mike Racine's Basta Sauce. No one's retarded. So you can't call it Received Brothers. He guards the sauce. It's just Mike Christine's pasta sauce. There's three.

I have two brothers. Yeah, but they're not involved in the pasta sauce. The one is a little bit. What does he do? We kind of had the idea together and we started. You had the idea for pasta sauce? Yeah, and then I followed through because I'm a winner like Mark Cuban. So you guys got drunk and you brainstormed. I'm a winner like Mark Cuban. So you guys got drunk.

I'm a winner. You brainstormed. I'm a winner like Mark Cuban, and he's not. Okay, so Racine comes up from a long line of pasta makers. Yeah. Yeah. Your grandfather had a restaurant, right? Yeah, my family had a restaurant in Trenton for like 50 years or something.

Yeah, he knows what he's doing. Is it red sauce? Yeah. It's like a marinara, tomato, basil, carrots. Man, this is nice. Just what I thought. I've sold Kevin a bunch of jars. Kevin, how was it?

It was great. Good sauce? I got to get some more, man. Honestly, I want to buy some. Any feedback? Notes? I mean, it was fucking incredible, man. What was the best thing about the pasta sauce?

It came from my friend. How sweet. It was funny. What was the best thing about the pasta sauce? It came from my friend. How sweet. It was funny. I wanted to have, I bought some pasta sauce, and I invited, and I gave it to Sam for her birthday, Sam Wurtz, Adam Wurtz, and then we're all going to eat together, and I invited Racine over, and he didn't come,

but I really just wanted him to come just so he'd be mad about however she used the sauce. Because you can just brown up some meat and put that in the sauce, right? And then simmer it with the sauce in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a ragu guy. I love it. The fun thing about, you know, if you do like a spaghetti bolognese or something, you can add whatever you want to that.

You can add milk, chicken stock, onions, you know, whatever. Yeah, goop. Yeah. Nice. All right. Well, Holden's not here, so I guess there's no segment. Well, the segment's going to be Steve's song from his album. Oh, okay.

We're going to promo the album. Where can we buy the album, Steve? Oh, man, you can get the album anywhere. iTunes, Bandcamp, Amazon. You can buy a hard copy, right? Amazon. You could buy a hard copy. Yep, you could buy a hard copy there. You could, you know. Do you have hard copies on you? I wish. That would have been the smart thing to do, to bring some.

You're talking to another small business. I brought some DVDs of Heroes Reborn. Oh, it's already on DVD. No, I've been burning them. Is it it on spotify oh it's on spotify you can listen to it on spotify you don't see as much money that way right no but i mean shit listen to it i just want people to listen to it it's my own you don't get money anyway it's me getting yeah exactly there ain't no money in this shit anymore no no it's over i'm just fucking rides over kids

ridiculous shit that i get angry about. I want to listen to it. Hey, it's better than yelling at your new family. Exactly. Mike Racine, your album, legitimately, it drops very soon, correct? November 20th, yeah. The same thing, Spotify.

Anything else you want to plug? You've got a great podcast here on Cave Comedy Radio with Tim Dillon called Stewed. It's really good. Oh, thanks. We've got to have all here on Cave Comedy Radio with Tim Dillon called Stewed. It's really good. Oh, thanks. We've got to have all you guys on at some point. I'll talk food. Yeah.

I can't wait to be on it at some point. You can see pretzels and dominoes. Huh? Me? Yeah. No, the other night I had a... What did I have? Papa John's. No.

I, um... Hmm. Hmm. Whew. You eating shampoo? No. No, but I do love a good shampoo. Kevin, friends of the people, when's it going to be on?

Just a rich man's laugh. You can hear it just bouncing off the walls. Yeah, no, I'm doing fine. It's good. It's good. All right, Marcus, you have something to plug uh yeah

also I'm in a band with an album The Cowmen you can buy it on Bandcamp and uh iTunes and also listen on Spotify

also I can say officially that Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell has been picked up for a third season nice yeah ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha what a dickhead ha ha ha ha alright All right. And find everybody on Twitter. That's at Henrylovesyou, Eddie Toons, underscore, Mike Racine. You're just at Mike Racine. Mike Racine?

Yeah. That's Fatboy Barnett. I'm at Ben Kissel. Steve Pizzecchi. It's called the Hulking. It's called the Hulking. Marcus Parks is at Marcus Parks. And I think that's pretty much it. I'm at Ben Kissel. That'sizzecchi. It's called The Hulking. It's called The Hulking. Marcus Parks is at Marcus Parks. And I think that's pretty much it.

I'm a Ben Kissel, and that's the whole thing. Hail Satan. Enjoy yourself. Yeah. Oh, the Murderfest Christmas show, December 19th, 9.30 p.m. at the pit. Yeah. December 19th. It's a bit away.

The Christmas special. I know. It's the Christmas special. I want people to be excited. Get ready. Start getting ready. It's a month and a half away. If you're in the spirit, you know, we're going to give it to you.

I'll tell you what though, if you've got a Christmas tree up in your house right now, I fucking really don't enjoy you. Yeah, burn it down. And if you like Christmas music this early in the season, Holy shit. Not this early in the season.

Yeah, after Thanksgiving it's all okay. Yeah, get to Thanksgiving. Yeah, get there first. Okay. Merry Christmas everybody. It's a little early for that What we make Is who we are

Who we are Is what we make So add it up Who we are is what we make. So add it up. Find out who you are. Thank you. Sick! You're sick Sick You're sick Sick

Like the disease you are You're sick Justify your illness Justify your heartache Justify your madness Justify your Arctic, just a fire Pandan, just a fire Oh my god, I'm so hot Look at me, I believe I deserve everything that I've got And no one can say I'm not

We're the greatest, most famous, your greatest You hate us, your praises parade us In cases, in papers, in makers Your basis, a basis, a brainless, a stasis Salaciously, painless, forgave us our wastes Such graciously patient, aimless, matron Abandon freedom for lust Abandon coping, invoking and hoping justice is just

Abandon creating trust The air where breathing is thick Polluted factories, looted counties, given litters to pick We're even afraid to quip You're fucking sick You're sick Sick You're sick of helping the rest Sick of helping, developing, the helping patrons we've oppressed

Sick of all their requests Shamelessly hating, degrading, the fading, inaking Forsaken, persuading, the taken, to waiting For shavings, mistakenly taking, the scrapings of all their requests shamelessly hating degrading the fading and aching forsaken persuading the taken to waiting for shavings mistakenly taking

the scrapings as aidings while shaking down breaking down taking down their vacant ancient moral haven abandon freedom

for lust abandon coping invoking and hoping justice is just abandon creating trust the air where breathing is thick

Polluted foundries, looted counties, given litters to pick We're even You're fucking sick! You're sick, sick! You're sick, sick! Like the dust days you were! You're sick, like the disease you were You're sick, sick Justify your illness Justify your heartache Justify your madness

Justify You're sick