The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 268: Ten Pound Mouth

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

Today on Round Table: riots erupt after a controversial decision at Zimbabwe's Mr. Ugly competition, a Siberian mayor offers coal in exchange for weight loss, and the Cookie Bandit strikes again. Joining us today: Louis Katz and Maria Wojciechowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Hey. Well, hey, how you doing? What's going on? Try the soup

and get the salad. If you try the soup, you gotta buy the soup, don't you? Alright. Holding your praying? Yeah, everybody close their eyes for a guided meditation. So, I know what I'm going to say right now. I know it and I say it. So, you

are a kid, new to a town getting to the high school. You're getting bullied at the high school. You don't know how to deal with it. So you go home. There's this old Asian fucking dude in the house next to you, right? And he's like, oh, I can teach you the fucking ways of the bonsai

tree. And you fucking go over to his place and he's like, clean my car. And you're like, fucking what? Is this Karate Kid? kid no it's a different movie okay so anyways he's like wax my fucking car right so you're waxing his car and you're making it all shiny you work on that you're like how is this teaching me how to fucking do moves bro and he's like wait for it wait for it and then he teaches you how to paint the house you get more mad you're like my mom's getting raped by a gang of high school kids next door and you're not teaching me the fucking how to kick straight and then he's like okay finally takes you in a room he's like this is how to do all the moves now because you learned all this

other stuff it's gonna teach you stuff later right and then he takes your pants off he starts beating you off and you're like what? and then you come like against your will you come you know and he's like I fucking fooled you dude everyone open your eyes

you're at the round table legitimately so it wasn't Karate Kid it was Reverse Gran Torino right? yeah Reverse Gran Torino we cats got it

alright so this is the round table of gentlemen Jackie Zebrowski is not here but I'm so honored this guest Three cats got it. All right, so this is the roundtable of gentlemen. Jackie Zebrowski is not here, but I'm so honored. This guest, I love her last name so much that I have to look it up in my notes. Maria Wojohowski. Ooh, close.

Wojohowski. Wojokowski. Wojokowski. Maria Wojohowski. You, like, turned a Native American at some point. I don't know. I like the last name. You were bragging before the show started how you would never mess it up.

Yeah, you're like, it's so Wisconsin. And then you're like, yeah, why'd you brag about it if you knew it was going to be like, you know. Look what happened to Ronda Rousey. Wow. So she's really cocky. She got knocked out. So I sort of got knocked out there too.

Yeah, you're fine though. Wojcikowski. Wojcikowski. Same thing that happened to Tyson, man. You go to that foreign land, you're cocky, you're fucking hanging out with all the crazy. I'm sure she was banging a bunch of fit Australian men while she was out there. You think Ronda Rousey was? Why not?

You're out there. What do you think Tyson was doing in Japan right before Buster Douglas knocked his face off? Eating a bunch of Australian men? She talks about it. She's like, I gotta fuck all the time before my matches. That's her thing. She's like, you gotta get it out of you.

What do you mean you gotta get it out of you? I've heard the reverse though. You've heard the reverse, right? You're supposed to not fuck. They normally said the reverse to guys and stuff. But apparently, according to science, it's supposed to be the opposite shit. Let's get back to this sexual

problem of your football coach. He wouldn't let you bone zone before a game? He told us not to. And then you took that advice? Is this high school or college? High school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if college or if high school football teachers or coaches need to be discussing such things. He said don't do it. But that's the thing. I mean, you can't get mad at it discussing such things. He said don't do it.

But that's the thing. I mean, you can't get mad at it. I mean, he said don't. It's old science. I remember back in Florida, it was a thing. You ran track and you did football or whatever. You're not allowed to drink water during practice. Then a bunch of kids started dying. Everybody was dying.

That's what my coach was like. I wonder if in high school they just wanted you to stay focused on the game. Yeah, maybe. And not have a girlfriend. Well, you can't focus if you're full of sexual desire. Well, maybe. All right, Marcus, you're here. I'm Ed Larson.

I don't want to. I'm so done with you. It's Eddie. Bang, bang, bang, I'm the cops. I'll tell you what, a coach never told me not to fuck because I didn't play a sport. I certainly wasn't fucking. High school was a lonely, sad time for me,

sitting in my room, calling people, not getting answers. It was a lot easier for them to ignore your phone call because they had caller ID, but you didn't have a situation where they had the cell phone like they always were around. They could be like, oh, I was at the movies away from you. Oh, I was having fun away from you. Sad life, Holden. Sad life.

Hey! Knock, knock. Fucking who's goddamn at the door? Who's there? Homemakers, ho! Shut your asses up! Everybody shut your fucking ass I think I got some shout outs today

Yeah PlayStation Network shout outs We got Ghost of David's a fucking shithead Spam underscore and underscore chips Is an autistic chuckle fuck And Ricky poop 333 Shout fuck Tony V Is what I wrote there.

Shout fuck Tony V. I don't think he likes Tony V. Oh, okay. He says for me to say fuck Tony V. Tony V's my fucking boy. I know. He's the one with the molly. With the money.

I need molly immediately. He's got them fucking lamps. Yeah. How's the TV show going, Kev? Oh, it's great. Moving real quick. Got a bunch of money. You know, today I went, I was sitting in my house,

right? Full of big house. You moved out? No, I'm still in the same house. I'm not fucking crazy. I'm being reasonable. You live so modestly. I know. I buy horrible, shitty drinks. You have a twin bed, right? Yeah.

And you've got wood-paneling walls. Wood-paneling walls. I don't got enough pillows. And don't, isn't your mattress on the floor? It's on the floor. My mattress is still on the floor. You have a twin mattress on the floor and two TV shows? Fuck it.

It's all deformed and shit. Living like old, dirty bastard. I do shit like this, though, because it's funny to me. Today, right, I was sitting there, and my bitch is sitting there and that's she working on her bullshit right on her computer i was like yo i'm leaving she's like all right i call this uber right i was going to game stop it's only a 20 minute walk or two stops on the train i was like I'm taking an Uber to GameStop bitch and Uber came I took it to GameStop

full of traffic took longer than it would have taken to walk I get to GameStop I was like Nick you wait here

I'm going inside he's like you want me to shut the meter off I'm like fucking keep the meter off and I went to GameStop

I bought Star Wars Battlefront I went home and I played. I bought Star Wars Battlefront. I went home and I played it. And guess what? It wasn't that good. Damn, that's a lot of money for a shitty game. Yeah, no, it wasn't worth it at all. That's fine.

Have you played, has everybody played Fallout? By the way, Louis Katz is here. Hello. How are you, Louis? I'm good. And people can find your album and everyone should listen to your comedy. You're amazingly hilarious. Where can people find the album?

Let's plug it up top. iTunes, Amazon. It's called If These Balls Could Talk. Listen to it. I love it. That's great. Louis! You just recorded a new one.

I just recorded a new one. I'm looking for a title. Looking, maybe I'm going to call it Asphyxiated. Oh, I like that. Stay in the area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's kind of fun.

It's all crotch-based humor. Front crotch, back crotch, all the crotches. I can't wait for your taint album. It's going to be huge. Taint misbehaving. Oh, my God. But he is. I love it.

Fallout 4, is it a good video game? Oh, yeah. It's amazing. It's the best. Why didn't you get it, Kev? It's too much time. I've put like 40, 50 hours in like a week and a half. You've got to put in like a couple hundred hours.

I've read something that's like it's a couple hundred hours to achieve what you need in a game. Yeah, easily. Nuts. Wow. Can't do it. Maria, you play video games? No. I don't either.

Eddie, you don't? I hate them. Marcus loves them and Holden loves them. Kevin loves them. Louie, your thoughts? I like them. I don't love them. I don't play them regularly, but I hate him. Marcus loves him and Holden loves him. Kevin loves him. Louie, your thoughts? I like them. I don't love them. I don't play them regularly, but I respect them.

Yeah, I think I can get down with people who love them. If you're with a guy, he has no talent whatsoever, but he's very good at Fallout 4 and Mortal Kombat. Is that a turn on? Oh, absolutely. All right. Good to know. I better start practicing.

All the ladies say that. Tens of dudes just came on their iPhones. Oh, so happy. So thrilled. No, you're not. You are not alone. Your mother is not the only woman that will love you. Maria Wojciechowski.

Kowski. Wojciechowski. Wojciechowski. You all right? Kowski. Wojciechowski. Wojciechowski. It's like the most intuitive way. Like, if you imagine how her name would be, that's how it is. That's how I keep thinking. You know what you're thinking?

You know why you're doing that? It's because there's a lot of the, like, guy who played for Duke was Wojciechowski. Oh. But was also the same last name. I thought it was because I'm drunk and untalented. No, you're very untalented. Ben, you're super talented. Ben, you're super talented. Thank you, and always drunk.

Let's see. Should we do a news story, Ed? What do you think? I don't know. Ed doesn't know. Ed doesn't know. I mean. What's not news?

Like history? Maybe we'll do a history tale. Eddie, is there something that you really want to get off your chest right now? I mean, you're talking about history. No one really was. I was talking about Civil War. Where are we at?

Sherman marching through the South burning everything down like the fuck that he is. Gettysburg, 300,000 people, three days. What's that like?

That's a big puddle of fucking nuts. Hell yeah, dude. Gettysburg, man. Let's talk about the Civil War. Fucking Abe Lincoln, you know what he said about Grant? He said, if Grant's a fucking drunk whiskey fuck, then send whiskey to all the boys.

Because he's the one winning the war. I love that in the movie Lincoln. Kevin, your thoughts on the Civil War? Pro-South? Pro-North? Pro-South. I don't know. Hey, but speaking of old shit, man, I just thought of this, right?

If you say my name, I'm going to be upset. No, man. You're better than that. Thank you. I'm better than that. We're better than that. Thank you. Sweater's terrible, though.

Goofy as shit. I like it. I think it's fine. I don't like it. Anyway, so I was talking about some shit that happened to me before. So remember when Batman was a game on Nintendo and I had it. Anyway, so I was talking about some shit that happened to me before. So remember when Batman was a game on Nintendo and I had it? Yeah. And one time somebody put it on the stove and then it burned the whole, it burned like

a circle and then the whole cartridge and it was fucking deep, like a half, like a couple centimeters deep and then it still worked. Really? That's amazing. It's a miracle. It was all decorative, man. I think it's a miracle. It's totally a miracle. I just want y'all to know that. Really? That's amazing. It's a miracle. It was all decorative, man. It's a miracle. It's totally a miracle.

I just want y'all to know that. I wanted to know that. I love it, too. I really saw it in my head. I didn't think you'd wrap my head around that. Yeah, that's like Hanukkah, Eddie, you're sort of Jewish. What was the deal there? It was the oil that lasted multiple days?

This is bigger. Kevin's story is bigger than that. Basically, I never played my Nintendo. My father would always play my Nintendo. He was great at it. And it was like baseball or Mike Tyson's punch out. And on a regular basis, he would just sit there and curse and then break my Nintendo. And he would come home the next day with a new Nintendo and he'd put it there.

And I'm like, he used to break my controllers all the time. And I never got to play it. I just sat there and watched him curse. I learned great words like cunt sucker. I've never heard that combo. I don't like the first part, but then the second part kind of makes it okay. It just kind of sounds nice. Cunt sucker's good.

Man. He beat the shit out of Tyson, though, all the time. Really? Yeah, he was really hard to do. You know, Sandman gave him trouble. Yeah. All of it's hard. I never got past Soda Popinski.

By the way, is Sandman a racist character? What are you talking about? He's black. The whole thing is racist. Soda Popinski, I guess he's a drunken, what, Ukrainian or something? He's a Russian. He's a Russian, yeah. Oh, he's a Russian? Glass Joe is French. E? He's a Russian. Oh, his last show is French?

He Honda's pretty funny. Don Flamenco is Italian. He's Spanish. Spanish, yeah, yeah. Then there's the German. There's the Indian. Von Kaiser, yeah. Wow, it is racist.

Fuck yeah. That was a beautiful time. It was. You could just do it. Yeah, you could just do it and you wouldn't get in trouble. You're like, yeah, this is what they are. What was the great tiger? Whenever I gargle mouthwash, I sing his theme song.

That's my gargling thing. That's my gargling song. Whenever I run across the street when I shouldn't, I sing the Notre Dame song in my head. How's it going again? I forgot. I'm not running across the street. Yeah, I don't think you'll run a lot, Ed. Oh my God. Ed with the

goody there. A little wraparound. Alright, classic. Again, I was in Notre Dame two weeks ago. How'd it go? And I chose not to comment what you said, but I could have added valuable commentary. Well, Kevin, you got to comment.

Was that the gig where you bombed in front of a stadium of people? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, that show went great, actually. It went great. Are you talking about the article from UMD? No, no, no The one where you posted That there was like

A thousand people there I just said that I bombed I say that sometimes It went great The article was fun The article was really fun I don't care about the story What happened with the article?

Wednesday though This Wednesday I had one of the worst bombs I've ever had in my entire life I wanted like It was me in this, it was a SUNY Old Westbury or something like that. And I had an opener, and this guy, the school booked. I don't want to say his name because he was very nice, but it was incredible what happened. If a comedian calls another comedian nice, that means they're a total jerk-off.

They're just not funny. It means they-off. They're just not funny. It means they're nice. They're just not funny. So I get there. Well, I'm on the way there, and they're telling me they're like, I'm on the way there. I'm running a little bit late because I was coming for someone else. I'm running late. I'm texting.

I'm calling a chick. And she's like, oh, yeah, no, it's all good. Just so you know, we're having a blackout for Missouri, and we're having a vigil for Paris right before the show. What a lead-in. Good God. Good. You're doing an hour? Yeah.

So I'm on the way. We're going to line up all the shoes of the Holocaust victims, and people will really understand the travesty and the pain of that event. Please talk about Paris. Yes, why not? This is what I hear on the way there when I'm like kind of back where I might be

a little bit late, right? I get there, they're like, apparently it's still going on because all the people that were at that were supposed to come to the show

and they're like, apparently it's still going on. It's going much later than we think. So this is a theater that sees maybe 400. It's about 15 people in there scattered. It just spread throughout the thing.

I love that they're scattered. Yeah, and the thing is still going on the whole time, so she's like, all right, we're just going to start. So this guy goes up, and I wish I could say his name, but I don't want to say it. We wouldn't know him, right? He's a college student, right? Yeah, but I don't want to say it on a podcast.

No, he wasn't a college student. He's a guy who's been doing comedy for like 12 years. And I don't even want to say the name on a podcast or whatever. But he's telling me before the show. Louis C.K. opened up for you. Wow. He's telling me before the show. He's like, every achievement he's ever had.

He's like, dude, I opened for Steve Harvey. Yes. He was being real Hollywood, but it was whatever. I got really far in Yo Mama recently. And I'm sitting there thinking, Yo Mama. I was like, oh shit, they have a new season. This shit ended in 2007. And he's telling me how far.

Yo Mama ended that late? Yeah, it was 2007. He's telling me how far. It went two seasons. He's telling me how far he went in Yo Mama. And he's like, yeah, man. And he was saying this shit as if it was shit

I knew about he's like and then you know like the McDonald's gospel comedy contest came around and I was like the McDonald's

gospel comedy contest yeah and he just he apparently did real well with that so he starts telling me that he's like a gospel comedian

and he goes and he you know he just does all these church gigs and apparently like a singer or just me that he's like a gospel comedian, and he goes and he just does all these church gigs. Like a singer? No, he's just a religious comedian. So he goes up. I bet he makes banks. Yeah, no, he's probably killing.

So he goes up, and it's just like, it's going bad. I mean, but there's 15 people in the crowd. There's 15 people in the crowd, but you don't understand. When I say bad, it's fucking bad. I have to understand. So what was it? Was it Christian content? One of his jokes, I'm literally in the back just dying as he's up.

No one's laughing at shit that he's saying. One of his jokes, he's like, man, I feel like heaven's going to have good Wi-Fi because they got unlimited cloud space. You know what? I like him. That's a funny joke. It's a funny tweet. He's taking risks.

You should have been opening it up for him, Kevin. People start booing him. No way. His team seems to know their way. They start booing him. And I'm back there like, what? Jesus Christ. What school is this?

SUNY Old Westbury. Okay. And they start booing him. And I'm like fucking in the back like, what the fuck is this? What the fuck? What the fuck? And as I'm watching, a fucking dude from the crowd rushes the stage and grabs the mic out of his hand. What?

And just starts shitting on him. What? Was the man funny? He was funny. Oh my God. He's just shitting on the guy. He came out and said that he opens for you now. Like, send the other guy home with no money.

And he's doing all these church jokes the whole time and this guy's trying to shit on him. He's still trying to be clean and nice. And as I'm watching this from backstage, I looked at the ground. I noticed that he carried a bag on stage. And I didn't think anything of it when he carried the bag on stage.

But as I'm looking, I realized the bag had fell off of the chair. And an Elmo mask spilled out of the bag. That's his closer. That was his closer. It was the Elmo mask. And I was just hoping to God I could see what that was for. But they booed him off stage?

Literally, this guy is on stage making fun of him with the microphone. He was supposed to do 30. This is at minute seven. Was the guy who took the microphone bigger than him? No, that was the crazy thing. It was a kid, some kid probably like 18, 19. And so that goes on for like, you know, that's at minute seven. It's going on for two or three minutes and this kid's shitting on him.

And then he just leaves. The kid? No, the comedian. Wow. And what about the kid bring you up? How did that happen? I just had to go up. So, yeah, what happened next?

How did they even get that kid off the stage? The kid just had his fill. Yeah, his job was done, I guess. Was he a good audience member for you? No, it went horribly. All right, we've got to get to a news story. I'm sorry, Marcus. I take too long.

Pageant judges have crowned a new winner of Zimbabwe's fourth annual Mr. Ugly contest, upsetting supporters of the crowd favorite and prompting rioting at the event. Judges on Saturday chose 42-year-old Mizan Seray, citing his numerous missing front teeth and a wide range of grotesque facial expressions over William Masvinu, who had held the title since 2012. This is so much better than a beauty contest. Oh, absolutely. Do we have pictures?

Yeah, of course we have pictures. Yeah. This is the man who won. Okay. Wow. Oh, he is. Yes. And this is the reigning champion.

He looks normal. He's not as ugly. He's not as ugly. He's not as ugly. He's not as ugly. He's not as ugly. He's not as ugly. He's not as ugly.

He's not as ugly. Yeah, he does look like a pug. I think there's a certain problem with this dude's self-identity. I mean, the other guy is obviously unattractive, but he's actually normal. If you're the ugliest guy in Zimbabwe, you're fucking. If you're the second ugliest, no one's touching you. That's a good point. Exactly.

Be the best. Be the best. This is the former reigning champion's argument. He said, I am naturally ugly. He is not. He is ugly only when he opens his mouth. Do we have to lose our teeth to win? He is not. He is ugly only when he opens his mouth. Do we have to lose our teeth to win? This is cheating.

Sort of a steroid type thing, but for the ugly contest. I know what he's saying. I know, but the fact that he doesn't have teeth makes him extremely ugly. That's a technicality. I love this, though. Isn't it nice to embrace ugly and reward

ugly? It's better than beauty. Like, if you are, like, I love John Waters for that reason. He always embraced grotesque. I think as a culture, get rid of beauty contests. We need the ugliest person in America contest. Well, beauty is kind of the same, too. It's just like symmetry.

So you get, like, if you look at at magazines It doesn't matter What race anybody is They all look the same Right You like all the girls On the cover So do you think All ugly people Look the same

Is there a definitive Ugly look No No Yeah Yeah See ugly Like you

I mean you guys know The concept of ugly hot right Oh yeah Yeah yeah Absolutely Every ugly hot girl Looks completely different But

Ugly hot A huggly or something Break it down Break it down Ugly hot is a completely different. Ugly Hot a Huggly or something? Break it down. Ugly Hot is a girl that has unconventional features. She doesn't really have the symmetry that she was talking about. But she's still real fucking sexy. Isn't that just a butter face, really? Not really.

Sometimes they can have a hot face and a horrible body. But they send out the energy. Give us an example. A hot face and a busted body is not going to be ugly hot. I'll have to think about it for a second. Farooza Balk. Yes, Farooza Balk, definitely. How is that?

She was in The Craft. Well, let's get her. She won with the mouth. Oh, she's hot as hell now. She's hot as fuck. No, but she is a little bit out of the Hollywood mainstream. Who wants that garbage? She's hot. But that's what but she is a little bit out of the Hollywood mainstream. Who wants that garbage? She's hot.

But that's what I'm talking about with ugly hots. She's not ugly, man. But look at that. Look at that mouth. But look at this. She's got a 20-pound mouth. That's a lot of gums. That's a good pound mouth.

It's more like a unique look as opposed to a generic symmetrical. You know how Shannon Doherty, that one eye is super higher than the other one? It's kind of like that. That's just what I'm into, I think. Right, we're talking! You'd love the Toxic Avenger if that's what you're into. You couldn't get enough of the guy.

God, Louis, you taint misbehavior. Man. That's a good name. I like it. Holden, what do you think? Yeah, you won. misbehavior. Man. That's a good name. I like it. Holden, what do you think? Yeah, you won. I mean, conventionally attractive people, there is something to be said about how it's kind of off-putting. Like the model look isn't necessarily in real life.

It doesn't translate to sexual attraction. Absolutely not. They look great on paper. You get them in real life, it's like, eh. They look like paper. Models look a little alien-y i find yeah they do yeah they freak me out and they're weird too long and long yeah well then you've had a lot of sex with models what's the worst part about it um oh how dirty i can make them and they let me do it and i'm, why? You belong on the front page of a magazine, not filthy in the corner with filthy me.

God, you're gross. Man. Just like brown. What was the last one's name? The last one? Yeah. Which one? What do you mean?

The last model. The last model. The last model you were banging. Caroline? Kennedy. Caroline Kennedy. Very nice. Marie, this is a good step in the right direction, isn't it?

For feminism and things like that, why are we judging people on beauty as opposed to ugliness? I feel like it's a step in a direction, but not particularly the right direction. Good. But a different step in a different direction. It's like a lateral move to a different state of beauty because you still find it beautiful and other

people still don't look like her. It's just a lateral move I would say. People like a winner. Are we still talking about the ugly guys? We're talking about just the idea of an unattractive beauty contest. The ugly dog contest is pretty famous though. I love Ugly Dog Contest.

I love Ugly Dog Contest. I think the argument is more of judging people by their looks is the wrong idea, no matter what, if it's ugly or beautiful. Well, the idea that

that's ever going away or that that should go away is kind of insane, I think. It's not going to go away. It's not going away and it shouldn't go away. You've got to judge people on their physical appearance. It's a wonderful thing to away. It's not going away, and it shouldn't go away. You've got to judge people on their physical appearance.

It's a wonderful thing to do. Well, Sayre, the guy that actually won, he dismissed the critics as just, quote, sore losers as he pocketed the $500 in winnings. $500? No, dude, $500 in Zimbabwe? That's a lot of fucking money. Is it dollars or Zimbabwe dollars? No, that's in dollars.

American dollars. How much is that? By the time he leaves, it's worth like $5. That's a year's rent. You can sleep in one of the big shoe houses for a night. So the people in Zimbabwe sleep in sort of shoe-based homes? If you have 500 fucking Zimbabwe lunkets, you can sleep in a Zimbabwe shoe house. I hear they let you have fire, too. Isn't that nice?

Describe a Zimbabwe... You obviously know a lot about Zimbabwe. Describe a Zimbabwe lunch. A Zimbabwe lunch? That's going to be nine fish eyeballs and just the top shitty part of the carrot. Well, who gets the rest of the carrot?

Who gets the rest of the carrot? They give it to the rest of the carrot? Sounds good. Who gets the rest of the carrot? They give it to the dogs. They're all backwards there. They're like the Croatia of wherever the fuck Zimbabwe is. You know what I like? Hyenas are like 150 pounds. And they make funny jokes. No, they just laugh a bunch.

Yeah, they just laugh a lot. Yeah, they would take over all of Africa if they weren't so genetically horrible in the high lengths. We have a guest here. George is with us. George, can you say who is the ugliest person on the round table? Who wins the prize? He's gay. He's from...

Well, he's from Puerto Rico, but now he lives in America, so he's got good taste. Puerto Rico is America. It doesn't matter. We talked about this on Top Hat. I'm over the whole goddamn thing. It's a commonwealth. The way that you worded that.

I'm not discussing it. You have a fucking political podcast. Okay. This is a geographical fucking podcast. America is what you want it to be. Is Hawaii part of America? Who? Hawaii.

Is that part of America? If you got to take a plane to get there, it to be. Is Hawaii part of America? Who? Hawaii. Is that part of America? If you gotta take a plane to get there, it ain't. I take a plane to get to North Carolina, so what does that mean? Alright, so... I don't think we're done

with your fucking horribleness. I wasn't... I know George. George and I are close. How many stripes are on that flag, Kissel? 49. 13.

Original colonies. That's the bad luck day. There's 50. What is there? How many stripes are on there? 13. 13 for the colonies. Oh, you big fat monster.

Your dad didn't care about you. He was busy playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. He didn't love you at all. How'd your dad feel about you? Nah, he's a shithead. He didn't like me. He beat me a lot. George, who's the ugliest one of the round table?

Come to the microphone. Jesus, Ben. I would drunkenly hit on all of y'all. But it's Holden, right? Thank God. I mean, somebody had to say it. And the chat also agrees. Either fucking Luke molester of 32 or fucking I love molesting 54.

Bearcock. And about me, Callum says, Marcus makes my wieners say hello. Oh my God. Interesting. Dennis Raider knocking on your front door. That is disgusting. I don't even know what he means.

BTK, buying, torture, kill. He's a serial killer. Well, further comments from the winner of this ugly contest. He said, they should just accept that I am uglier than them. I hope to get a TV contract. I already moved around schools performing and showcasing my ugliness. So this is a chance to make it on TV. I love it.

Zimbabwe in television. I don't know about how Zimbabwe works. I feel like the other guys are uglier on the inside. So they have a lot of reality shows in Zimbabwe? Is that what it is? Probably. They have some pretty good movies. Oh, yeah?

All of their TV shows is just videotape of rocks. And the really good ones are just you just follow someone around for a while. That's a reality show. I thought the previous winner was actually kind of castable. He looked kind of cool as like a mafia thug or something like that. You know what I mean? He looks kind of tough. I thought he previous winner was actually kind of castable. He'd look kind of cool as like a mafia thug or something like that. You know what I mean? He looks kind of tough. I thought he was cool.

I feel like he would be a live action puppy. Or that. That's the other way you could go with that. He does look like a puppy, man. Either a thug or a puppy. Yeah. And by the way, there wasn't the rioting that happened. No one was injured, but there was a great deal of pushing and shoving as the results

were announced and insults were hurled at the judges. This is a big fucking deal. I wonder if there's side bets. Maybe that's what's going on. People losing money. Yeah. I mean, that's usually how these things go.

That's why people get really upset. I do love the idea of them insulting each other, being like, you're too beautiful. Right. So, I mean, you lose via compliment in a strange way. Here's what Judge Abigail Matarinkia, this is her reasoning. She said, Wow.

That's just like girls who, you know, wax their upper lip versus the ones who don't, right? Never wax it. Grow it. Whatever they put in a chia pet thing, put it on your upper lip. I love a good mustached woman. Yeah, and this competition attracted a record number of 36 entries compared to just five in 2012 when Mas Visnu began his winning streak. The competition was suspended in 2014 due to a lack of sponsorship,

but this year the owners of a string of Harare nightclubs donated $1,000 for the entire thing. You know, this is kind of a bizarre idea, an ugly beauty contest. Do you think they see that when they hear about eating contests for Americans? Do you think they judge us extremely harshly on obesity? They're so unhealthy and they get rewarded for slamming down 75 hot dogs in 15 minutes. Most of those people aren't even

American. And the people who win are always Japanese. Joey Chestnut, he's the champion. He's been an American hero for quite some time now. He's from Jersey. He learned from Chris Christie. I love when he got arrested going to confront him. That was the champion. He's been an American hero for quite some time now. He's from Jersey. He learned from Chris Christie. Kobayashi. I love when he got arrested going to confront him. That was the best.

Yeah. It must be strange for countries that don't have the copious amounts of food to watch an eating contest, though, where people then obviously have to purge afterwards. Oh, it's a big problem everywhere. Obesity is a huge epidemic. And in fact, our next story has exactly to do with obesity out of Russia. Oh, they're getting bigger?

Oh, yeah. I didn't know vodka was so, uh... Yeah. The governor of the Kemerovo region of southwestern Siberia has promised free tons of coal to residents who suffer from obesity and commit to slimming down. Isn't coal supposed to be given to you when you're bad?

Well, Tullius said he wished to replicate the United Arab Emirates' successful dieting drive called Your Weight in Gold. So the United Arab Emirates gives away gold while Russia gives you coal. Oh, my God. Fucking coal is hot, and if it's hotter, you'll sweat more, so we should be giving the fat people more coal. Well, it's Siberia, so coal is a very valuable commodity louis what do you think about the russians i like them all right you like the russians what do you like about i was just in saint petersburg actually

in may what happened you eat some cabbage i ate some cabbage i did a show yeah yeah i did i had a set in saint petersburg how did it go it was crazy i went there it was like a last minute thing kind of like crowd 20 people i do half an hour straight eating it like eating it like no laughs at all the whole time i'm like what the fuck is going on finally i realized a guy up front speaks russian and english i give him a second mic i he starts translating my jokes line for line kill for half an hour after that with translation. So that's why I like the Russians. That's amazing. Yeah, it was really cool.

They sound so patient. So they just sat there for 30 minutes just listening to you talk and not understanding a single word? That's what I was like, wow. Not at all. I think there's kind of this thing where they want to believe that they speak better English than they do, but they fucking don't. Right. Yeah. Huh.

A Zimbabwe fountain drink is when a guy pisses into another guy's mouth. I've been holding on to that one. I had to finally say it. What's a Russian fountain drink? When a dude shoots so hard into another

dude's mouth that it shoots out the back of his neck and he kills him. That's a Kennedy, dude. You don't know shit. Yeah, good point, Louie. You know history. The magic bullet. The magic bullet. Oh, my God, you're stupid, Holden.

Holden, how was your week? It was town. It was town? It was town. So town, is that a new slang term? That's my new slang term for a fucking sat at home, mate. Mate? Are you just slowly becoming the character of Eastbound and Down, the friend?

Stewie, right? Stewie, right? Yeah, Stewie. Stevie. Stevie. We're going to party like the fuck. That's my favorite line From all of you Scott of Dad

Yeah man I sat at home man I was like who's hanging And then everybody would be like no And then later on everybody's like oh we're all hanging out now But I'd already be home And the relationship Mediocre

It's always been good Yeah we're making food. We got a skillet up in the motherfucker. We got a big ass skillet. Cast iron? Oh! I gotta ask you, I was thinking about this the other day. We haven't heard about mommy in a while. What's going on? Has things not been

going as well? You know what I'm saying? She has never listened to a podcast. Thank God, right? But at the same time, if she did, and she would, she wouldn't know what to do, right? And what I've been trying to say, my resolution for 2015 was know

what to do. Know what to do on this show. Any time in life. Just being sure. How did not be arrested by the police officer? That was your resolution 11 months ago. Yes. And I'm finally taken away at it.

I went on a run this morning, Ben Kissel. You did? You went on a run. How far did you go? A few blocks. Okay, so tell me that you intentionally went on a run as opposed to had to pee really bad and get back to your apartment. No, but you do get a Duke-um scare about two blocks into that easily. Did you sing the Notre Dame theme song the whole time? The theme song?

I remember the... Always when I run across... Notre Dame! That's cool. That's going on in your head. Again, I was there two weeks ago. Valuable. Valuable experience.

God, so you ran two blocks, huh, Holger? I ran to the river, which is about five blocks from my house. And how sweaty were you? Oh, big time. Well, that's what I'm trying to do. My main thing with working out, right, because by working out, I mean running a few blocks a day. And we all agree you have to start working out. I'm shoving into these clothes.

They're being squirrely on me. The clothes are, like, turning on me. The clothes have no ability to be squirrely. You're sabotaging me in the washing machine. I'm putting it on too hot or something in the washing machine. Always cold, yeah. Always cold now. Always cold, yeah. And, you know, I'm putting it on too hot or something in the washing machine. Always cold. Always cold now. And you know I'm getting out there and also

I'm sweating bullets everywhere I go. You're big. Yeah. That doesn't have to do with weight. I sweat everywhere. I'm not fat. You're very. But that's why you're thin. Ham it's just like a deformity. Yeah. It's not even sweat it's just ooze.

Kevin, you're saying? No, it wasn't anything. I'm just saying. He's like the most consistently bad-looking person I've ever seen. There's not a moment where he at least looked respectable. Since I've gained the weight, though, back in the day, I had a line of broads out in front of the club waiting to fucking look at my Johnson. It's simply not true.

He did all right in college. He did okay. He was so small. He was weird back then, though, too. He didn't have any hips in his pants. His belt had nothing to snag. And his pants would always fall, even though, like, because you were too thin. Yeah, I was slippery back then.

I was real. I was real real i'd guard the keg you know i'd be like if you want um this you're gonna have to teach me a new trick bear cock on the chat wants to know uh democrat or republican bear cock thinks i'm the ugliest man in this room so bear cock can fuck his own ass with his own cock. But Democrat or Republican? Bearcock is a Nazi sympathizer. I heard that about Bearcock. You heard it here first. But Democrat or Republican? I'm curious. I heard it first somewhere else.

So you're a Republican. So, Kevin, what advice would you give to hold and to lose some weight? Adv give to hold and to lose some weight? Advice to hold and to lose some weight? I mean, honestly, I think it's too late, man. I don't know what you can really do. Because that's the thing. At a certain point, like, it just becomes a part of you.

Like, this is a part of you. Like, you've made it go to the point that that is who you are. If you lose the fat, you probably die. I don't know how to shit. You've gone full Ramus. I got an elevator in my building and I apologize to it every time I get up. Why don't you walk the

stairs? You asshole. There's apparently some, like, miracle vitamin that's out now. Miley Cyrus takes it. Really? I've been taking that vitamin D. Wow, miracle.

Yeah, taking vitamin D pills every morning. For what? Because you get depressed in the winter if you don't. What? My doctor told me that. Less sun. Oh, I thought you were making a good life picture. Nope, nope.

No, no, no. No penis for me. I'm talking about a tiny little pill. You take one in the morning. I take a lot of vitamin C. Listen to that graduation song all the time. Maria, that was funny. I love the joke.

Oh, fuck off. I love jokes. And I also love that joke about in heaven with the clouds. Oh my God. The thing about that is that bombed and then he followed it up with and hell's Wi-Fi is going to be speedy

because they got a lot of hot spots. I love that guy. God, he's funny. So everyone's internet's great is what he said. No matter what. You're gonna have some good-ass internet. And it was a commentary on equality.

So important. Okay, Marcus, maybe another story? Yeah. Houston area police have arrested a man dubbed the Cookie Monster Robberber who is suspected in holdups at more than 30 fast food restaurants, often demanding that a cookie be handed over along with

the cash. Fuck yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, he's the cookie man. And a cookie! That's all that he demanded? There was no money? Well, he got that money inside, give me all your money and a cookie. 30 fast food restaurants before he got caught. Eugene. Give me all your money and a cookie. 30 fast food restaurants before he got caught.

Eugene Bradshaw, 24. Where he's stealing Otis Spunkmeyer. If they had Otis Spunkmeyer. Love Otis. Louie, you ever have an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie? I'm not familiar with it. Oh, they're a burger cake. They're the best.

They're the best. Really good. Right up there, Mrs. Fields. I say I'd go for an Otis over Fields. Are they soft? They are soft. They're soft best. They're the best. Really good. Oh, so good. Right up there, Mrs. Fields. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say I'd go for an Otis over Fields. Are they soft? They are soft. They're soft. You keep them around for a little while, they get hard.

They're softer than Ben. Holden, what do you think? That was dirty, man. That was the meanest shit. That's the meanest fucking thing I've ever heard you say. What do you mean? He's cuddly. You're a bully, Ed.

You're a mean bully. Thank you, Holden. You're one of those half bullies. You're like, come on, man. It's just a joke. I'm being nice. Half bully I could take. Okay.

I feel like you're, yeah, I mean, you know, my feelings are hurt. You're soft, though. I have no muscle. Is that what you're saying? You have lots of muscles. No, I don't have any muscle, but that's okay because muscle weighs more than fat. That's why I weigh less. You were third in state.

At wrestling. Yes, I was very good, Louie. Louie, did you play any sports in high school? No, I was in marching band. Hmm. Isn't that interesting? Yeah, I was going to say, know what's I used to be all about those softer cookies

but you know what's good is Tate's those Tate's ones that are crunchy but they're fucking delicious you know those cookies yeah they're alright you put them in

you put them in some milk they're alright fucking good as fuck I respect this cookie this guy needs to get a deal like with his own brand of cookies now

right yeah the robber cookies yeah I mean why not if you're robbing if you're robbing a restaurant get a little bit of food, right? Yeah, might as well.

Well, I mean, because, you know, cookies, they're ready-made. You can just pop it in there. It's not like an apple pie where you've got to wait for them to fucking heat it up and all that shit. On the go. And he also, it's like the Sticky Bandits. He obviously is a bit of a romantic, and he needs to have his little check mark on it, his little signature. What city was it? Houston.

Man, they robbed over 30 restaurants that took them that long to arrest him? Yeah, 33. That's fucked up. Yeah. Dude, it's actually amazing considering the surveillance that we live under and constant camera. Yeah, 33 over the course of two months. His name was Eugene Bradshaw, 24,

and he had an accomplice, Christy George, who was 34. She probably liked the cookies. Yeah. She probably named, get me a cookie while you're at it. Right. So that was her. I don't want the money. Just give me a cookie.

Just give me a cookie. But we can buy cookies. No, I like that. I like stolen cookies. A Spunkmeyer. Yeah. Maria, what sweet would you steal? I mean, cookies are pretty good.

Ice cream. Yeah. I like any kind of sweet. Really. Candy. Let's do it. I'll rob a Cold Stone. Oh, I'll go with you.

I'll be your Christy. What do you mean you don't like it? I don't like Cold Stone. What do you mean you don't like Cold Stone? Cold Stone is great. Oh, I gotta make up

my own flavors. I gotta decide what goes in the shit. Tell me what the flavors are and just have them ready. I don't like them. I don't fucking like it. I can keep behind that.

I hate anything where you gotta walk into a place and do. Yeah. I thought you made ice cream. So why am I here telling you how to make ice cream? You don't tell them how to make the ice cream. The ice cream already exists.

You tell them what to put in. You want gummy bears? You want something kind of fun? I'm a big fan of that. I don't like that hot pot shit they're making me cook in the Chinese restaurant. I don't like any of that stuff. You're not cooking. They're cooking.

You tell me what the thing is and I'll eat it. And that's it. I don't want it. People live for You're not cooking. They're cooking. You tell me what the thing is and I'll eat it. And that's it. I don't want it. People live for that shit, man. That's all they got. You go to Mongolian barbecue. Fuck that. I remember we used to go to fucking BD's Mongolian barbecue on Fridays. What the hell is...

They cook that for you and you can kind of decide your flavors and stuff like that. I'm talking about the one where you're basically making up a recipe like you're a chef. Korean barbecue, that's what you're thinking of. No, I like the kind He's some cold stone. I'm not a big fan of fondue

because you have to wait forever and I'm just ready to eat it. I never had no fondue. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Eddie, you're off the show holding your phone. I love fondue.

I don't want the whole fucking thing. That shit, funny. That's not funny. That's what we need, Ben. We need more of that shit. Why does heaven have such good Wi-Fi? Why? I disagree

with that. I'm quite fucking fond of it. These pieces of shit. You see what he did. I hope your whole family gets murdered, Ed. What the hell is Mongolia? He didn't write that shit. That's a funny joke. You see what he did. I hope your whole family gets murdered, Ed. What the hell is Mongolian barbecue? He didn't write that shit.

He wrote it. He freestyled it. I hope a man sneaks in the night and kills everyone you love, Ed. It wouldn't take long. Yeah.

Okay, what's Mongolian barbecue? It's like they got a bunch of freeze-dried meats. It's like a wok. You pick a bunch of things, and they throw it all in a wok, and they cook it up for you. Nice. What do you think about at Cold Stone, them singing when you tip them?

It aggravates me. I won't even go in there, man. I won't fuck with Cold Stone. I don't like it, man. I'm telling you. I'm not serious. I don't like it. I don't like it.

Put that cheesecake ice cream on. Oh, they got to watch them. You got to mash it up. Get out of here. You don't walk into a chair store and say, oh, back goes there, seat goes there, arms goes there.

I don't think anyone has ever walked into a chair store. Chair up! Bowery! I guarantee you there's a chair store somewhere. Chair up, man. It's on Bowery. It's good chairs. Chairs, everybody. Charity. It is. Chair up, man. It's on Bowery. It's good chairs. Chair up. Hey, chairs, everybody.

Charity. Charity. Cherries and pie. You get pie and chair. Cherry pie, yeah. Yeah. Chair, chair, chair, chair. On fucking 50th and fucking Block Street.

Burn it down. That's fucking dope. That's a good name for a chair. Sonny and chair. Hell yeah, man. See, that's what I'm talking about God damn Ed I'm on fire You saved the show You've been saving the show

Since the fucking last time We were about to fucking get cancelled That's right he's right And fucking saved the show God damn Ed Ben looks so upset right now. No, Sonny was a great congressman. He was skiing and he ran into a tree and died.

That's a bummer way to die. I can't ski. I'm never skiing because of that shit. I fucking won't ski. Yeah, right? You don't ski, right? I never skied, man. I'll never ski.

And anybody out there who skis, go fucking jump off a cliff and stab yourself all the way down to the bottom. Because you're a gutless whiner. Oh, they're very brave people. They tend to be brave, man. They're brave. They're rich.

They literally ran four blocks today. They're rich. They got money. And that's how they fucking got money. You know how much a ski costs? $22,000. That's for the left ski. The right ski is more expensive.

You're all a bunch of humorless fucking... There needs to be an underscore under this speech right now. This is like a motivational speech at a football game. They walk in a room, they'll see a little boy, they'll think about it. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. So people who ski are pedophiles. Skiriots are rich pedophiles.

Thinking about it. Snowboarders. What do you think about snowboarders? Oh, too cold for school, brah. Why don't you go fucking get murdered in a creative way? I skied down a mountain backwards once. How'd it go? Good.

I was like 10 and I accidentally got flipped around and I made it all the way down. Amazing. I went skiing a couple of years back and I made a major mistake. I got stoned on top of the mountain. Oh, good. And then I fell my way down.

It's supposed to be a victory. That's the fun. That's fun. You don't know how to ski. I have I fell my way down. It's supposed to be a victory. That's the fun. That's fun. You don't know how to ski. I have no idea how to ski. I went down the Black Hill, which was the most dangerous of all the hills. I was pizza and the whole thing. Pizza slice.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't pizza slice. I snowboard before I ski, man. Really? Snowboard. To get high and snowboard. If you know how to snowboard, that's the fucking best. It sounds fun.

You're in a video game. I'll be out there doing all them fucking flips and shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be wild, man. That's my life. I go tubing. Oh, tubing's bad.

Take that tube and go, man. You just sit there. Yeah, and just ride that shit. Fucking flood. Are you talking about a river or on snow? Either way. A lazy river and a water park. We used to tie a tube to the back of my buddy's jet boat.

Yeah. That's awesome. That's what you're supposed to do. I know. It's great. Yeah, I grew up doing that. We did another thing we called boat dives, where you get up to 40 miles an hour and just run off the back of it and skip along the water.

Whoa. That was a lot of fun. Wait, so you can run on the water for a second? No, no, no. I would throw my head into it. I would flip a bunch of times. That's awesome. It was great.

My grandfather used to get really trashed and then try to water ski off of his pier. And it was the best thing in the world. Because then he would just be dragged behind a boat for like... Well, did he ever pull it off? No. And he tried it like once a week. It is the day. Drinking is a like once a week. Today's the day. Drinking's a fun thing to do.

Kev, you were saying? I wasn't saying anything. You were about to say something. No. I was going to say, if you read books, you live a thousand lives. That's not even... Well, kind of true, actually. It's very true.

There you go. If you read that many books... Yeah, if you read that many books, 50. I'll live about 50 of them. But I'll tell you what. That's the way to live. I enjoy reading. Because you read that many books. Yeah, if you read that many books. 50. I'll live about 50 of them. But I'll tell you what. That's the way to live. I enjoy reading. Because you'll stay alive.

Ben, how many books have you read? I've read about, I'd say, between 10 and 15. People who write books are people who don't understand how to communicate in a way that will better... Authors are idiots. Are you discounting reading? I'm discounting reading. I'm against reading. The only

reason I read anything in high school or middle school was because I was offered pizza. How many books? How many books? What's a book? How many tweets? Thousands. I've read thousands of tweets. What's your favorite? How many tweets? Thousands. I have read thousands of tweets. What's your favorite tweet that you've done?

Oh, my favorite tweet. Let's see. The Snooki one? Oh, what's the difference between a dumpster? Oh, my God. What's the difference between a dumpster and Snooki? There's an alive baby in the dumpster. Back when Snooki was pregnant.

But now she's had three children. And I met her once. Nice girl. So now you'll never say it again. Nice person. There's an alive baby in the dumpster. Back when Stookie was pregnant. But now she's had three children. And I met her once. Nice guy. So now you'll never say it again. Nice person. There's an alive baby in the dumpster. Yeah. As opposed to her womb, which is the premise.

No, Confederacy of Dunces is my favorite book. It's a great book. I didn't ask what your favorite book was. Yeah. How many books? Yeah. How many McFoley books did I read? All of them.

That's three books? That's three books. Have a nice day. One of the greatest books of all time. I read Rickle's book did I read? All of them That's three books Have a nice day I read Rickles book, I read Dangerfield's book And then I read a couple I was forced to read What books were you forced to read? Swiss Family Robinson I did read that one Did you ever read Hammer of the Gods?

No I still remember the Hardy Boys It's a Led Zeppelin book I figured you might have read it You thought it was like Super old school literature Does anyone remember the Hardy Boys? It's a Led Zeppelin book. I figured you might have read it. You thought it was like super old school literature. I don't read Hammer of the Gods. It's about Led Zeppelin.

Maybe one day. It's where the fucking girl with the shark story comes. Oh, really? Yeah. I know the story. Never read the book. Hardy Boys. I owned a lot of them.

I never read any of them. My mom used to force me to read that shit. Yeah, my mother did too. Yeah, and she used to buy them for me. And then I would just never read them. I was like, I don't read this. And every Christmas, it'd be a fucking Hardy Boy book. Yeah, always Hardy Boys.

Like, oh, this shit is great. It wasn't great. She had the whole collection. This shit stank. It sucked. Because the last page was always like, there was an unknown relative who came and did the entire murder or something like that. It was nonsense. And they would fucking stuff that shit in my book bag.

It was all heavy because it was fucking, that's back before they had like soft books. Unfunny Scooby-Doo. Yeah. Unfunny Scooby-Doo. It really was. And Christian. I think it was Christian. I think the whole thing with the Hardy Boys was Christian.

Somewhere around there. Fuck the Hardy Boys. Anyway, I've read 398 books. Really? That many? Oh, yeah. I love reading. I used to read a bunch. I haven't read in forever, man. It's been years.

Oh, sometimes I put movies with subtitles. I put the subtitles on. You count them? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love reading. Every time you put one down, you're like, all right, 366. Feeling pretty good.

I'm going to start getting teardrop tattoos. He's lying. For every book I've read. He's good. I'm going to start getting teardrop tattoos. He's lying. For every book I've read. He's lying. I used to be constantly reading back in the day. And since I moved to New York, you're busy. You don't read. Never really.

I read more when I moved here because I'm on the subway a lot. When I'm on the subway, I feel like I'll just listen to music or try to think of jokes and stuff. Yeah, that's true. So I don't ever read anymore. But the last two things I tried to read was a book called Nigger by Randall Kennedy and The New Jim Crow. I read like half of both of those things.

It's like, I want to be mad, but then I'm not that mad. I'm just trying to read. I'm like, yeah, yeah, but then I can't be mad for 500 pages. Great documentary. Documentaries are better than books now.

That's what I believe. If you fully immerse yourself into... There's so many different ways to absorb information. I think docs are great. The New Jim Crow, there's a great documentary on Netflix. I mean, docs are great, but books, you're in there. If you can read. If you're a dumb reader like me I mean it's bad the problem with

non-fiction books though is that they would make it make a better documentary or a magazine article you gotta put a whole book it's like I get it

then there's like 300 pages proving it's like I just believe you I believe you you don't have to prove it to me the first 30 pages of New Jim Crow they just start repeating

the same shit over and over I know the guy who wrote what you said the thing about history is context but the man who wrote and over. I know. The guy who wrote it, what you said. Yeah, exactly. The thing about history is context. But the man who wrote the book that Kevin read first before the new Jim Crow, which I literally cannot say, I'm thinking like maybe a title change just so I can buy it.

Yeah, you're not reading that one on the subway. Didn't have an asterisk. I read that shit on the subway, and it was weird even for me. Imagine you, Nazi grandfather Oh, leave him alone! He was the man of the world. Your show's coming out, by the way. What show?

If They Want show is coming out. Oh yeah, dude, that shit's weirding me out on the subway with the Statue of Liberty, Zig Hauling me everywhere I go. I can't wait for it. It weirds me out a little. I don't like it. Alright, now let the high cast. I can't wait for it. Yeah, that's... It weirds me out a little. I don't know why. I don't like it. All right, now let's have a segment from Holden McNeely. Bait's into it.

No, I'm not. Hey, happy holidays, everybody. Let's go to the bone zone with Holden, your bone lord. So when we start this segment, everything changes, light change. Do, do, do, do, do. It's early holiday season. We're getting in there early. Marcus needs a

Christmas decoration for his new house that he just bought at the end of the street. It costs billions of dollars and he's got billions more to spend on this Christmas decoration. And it's just one decoration? And it's one decoration. You know what? I'm going to say holiday decoration because maybe somebody wants to put you

in a Jew place or put a Jew thing on there. Louis? Is that okay? Yeah, I feel better about that. Also, real quick, I was actually really quickly thinking that maybe we should do Louis Katz's new

album title as the segment. And if you did that, I think it should be Dr. Katz Complete Season One. People might find it on accident. Dude, once I did a show and this guy that was there, he thought I was Dr.

He thought I was Jonathan Katz. Oh, nice job. The show I did, it's a club in who was there, he thought I was Jonathan Katz. Oh, my God. It's a show I did at this club in Pensacola. It's a sex club where there's like a pit in the floor where people fuck, or they sit and watch a comedy show while I was there. And he was so happy that he came to see Jonathan Katz. Afterwards, he was crying to me. He's like, my wife left me.

This is the only joy I've had since she left me. Thank you, Jonathan Katz. I couldn't tell him the truth. I was like, you're welcome. You saw it. Oh, my God. I love it. Good on you.

So what is this segment? Is it the new album title? You know what? I crushed so fucking hard with that that maybe it will be that. It's Louis Katz's. I already gave mine. Oh, you already gave yours? Yeah.

Tame Misbehavin'. Oh, okay. What do you want to do, Marcus? Let's do the Christmas decoration. Or the holiday decoration. Christmas decoration. It's Santa Claus with his... It's a neon sign painting the whole front of your house.

It's a neon sign of Santa Claus with his mouth open, and penis is falling from the sky kind of into his mouth or whatever. It's one of those blinky ones. And it says, like, Merry Christmas, it's raining dicks. All right, great. Kevin? Sounded like Marcus loved it. That is a good one, actually. You crush both

of your segments, even the fake ones. I'm crushing it, man. Everywhere I go, dude. It's because you're so big. You're on top of the puns today, man. Damn. It's been a real mean show, man.

I guess, all right, so for your holiday, direct decorations. So my chick, she's making all this Mexican shit all the time. And like culturally, that's good for her, but I'm fucking tired of it. I'm sick of eating all this fucking vegetarian Mexican bullshit. Yeah, I do. So what I do is I take all the bullshit she cooks and I just string it around your house. Right. I'm talking about beans, sasson.

Sasson corn? Yeah, it's a seasoning. It's the type of seasoning you put on the rice. But it glitters, probably, in the light. And I put that shit on your roof and some fucking tortillas and shit. And then all of a sudden, now you got some type of weird-ass Mexican Christmas vibes or Hanukkah vibes or Kwanzaa vibes going on in your house. And at the same time, you seem open-minded because it's Mexican.

Oh, very good. Diverse. Feliz Navidad. And a two birds, one stone entry. Two birds and about a dozen raccoons is what you're going to have at that fucking place. Not bad. One man's bullshit vegetarian Mexican food he's sick and tired of is another man's, okay, this shit's on my roof.

Not bad. Louieis what do you got well i got this thing this is a thing my mom has for hanukkah you've got these like uh glasses you put on and they got a film on it and then you look at a light and you see a 3d fucking dreidel flying in the sky so i'm gonna trade out all your windows for that and every time you look out there's fucking 3d dreidels coming at you all over the place. You know what? I love it. I love it. Now, there is a man who tried to skip himself.

Who's that? He almost did it. He may or may not be wearing a sweater. A cum-colored sweater. Kevin hates. He's asking about it. He's like, does this cum and cum? Because I want it. It's a Does this come in cum Cause I want

It's a very nice sweater Ben I enjoy the sweater Thank you I like it I like the sweater too Reminds me of cum Yeah That's what I requested

When I bought it At Banana Republic Let's see So it's a holiday decoration Anything you want Any holiday It's a holiday decoration Yeah It's nice Anything to put on a house. Any holiday. It's a holiday decoration. Yeah.

It's nice. Anything to put on a house. Just a Jesus on a cross. Jesus. Can we have actual blood, stigmata, blood coming out of it? We'll get you an actor. We'll get you three actors. Oh, yeah, yeah, no.

I wasn't talking about like a Mexican fella. We're going full Golgotha here. On a cross A Mexican man on a cross And we'll pay him well They're easier to find in the winter because there's less grass to cut Well that was racist Where do you find them?

I would think in the summer They would be easier to find Because they're on the lawns Guess what? This is America Mexicans aren be easier to find because they're on the lawns. No. Guess what? This is America. They're very dedicated people. Mexicans aren't hard to find anywhere in America. Guess what?

They're really all over the place. You said Home Depot, but really they're Home Depot adjacent. You can't be on the lot. They'll be asking you. Not allowed. Trespassing. Yes. All right.

Home Depot adjacent. A crucifix. That's like the location of their office on their business card. Sorry. Maria? Okay, I would give you a banner, and it would say, Happy Holidays, or as we say in Alabama, Merry Christmas, Jews. That's nice.

That's a lot of words, and I like to read. Or a live nativity scene. Oh, so we hire more people. We hire more American citizens. Why don't we just combine forces? Marie and I are combining

forces. We would do a whole play of Jesus is live on your... Live 24-7. Like 24-7. So we're going to need a lot of actors. I'll be a Roman. You'll be a Roman? Cool.

So we'll give you a spear. You'll be the guy with the spear of destiny. Yeah, sure. Does it glow? If you want. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Oh, you don't know about the spear of destiny? Hell no.

I don't know about the spear of destiny. The spear of destiny is the spear that pierced Jesus' side. Stabbed his ass. Well, it was an act of mercy, so he would die faster on the cross. And so they believed, some people believe, that he who owns and holds the Spear of Destiny is he that holds power above all other men. For example, Hitler was a big believer in the Spear of Destiny. If you would like to read the book,

The Spear of Destiny by Trevor Ravencroft. Okay, that book, all right. Actually, I changed my mind from a Roman. I'm going to dress up like a big Pac-Man and chase them all around and try to eat them. So is that where the Ark of the Covenant, he was trying, was that his Spear of Destiny? That's kind of a mixed religion metaphor.

Yeah, the Ark of the Covenant was kind of taken from the occult belief of the Nazis. The Spear of Destiny was one of their big things. Oh my God, okay. Is this what you're thinking during last podcast? When I'm talking about Spirit Destiny? No, I always listen. Okay, Ed. Where is he?

Where is he? Eddie, you have crushed it today. Thank you. And not in a physical way like the joke that you brilliantly made against me. All right. You are- A very pro-Mexican. Yes.

A very for-Mexican. I want them to succeed, I think, is the word you're looking for. Keep living. Everyone's pro-Mexican. It's a very pro-Mexican podcast. We love the Mexican people. In Mexico, corn is made for all you Thanksgiving people

coming up here. You want a topic to think about at dinner, that's a good conversation starter. Corn is base. God, I fucking hate corn tortillas, man. I'm sick of them. What is wrong, corn? Our tortillas are better.

No, I like corn. It's slaving over a stove for this man. He's just sitting there fucking resentful. I see her cooking with the corn tortillas, and I'm staring at him just fucking mad. I gotta eat that shit. What message are we sending? And to whom? Oh, man.

I like good old white Taco Bell. Yeah. We appropriated beautifully. How's Taco Bell going, Holden? You didn't answer the question. You know, I went for a morning. I was there, and I haven't seen a thing. I got that check in the mail, baby.

Yeah, that's why I'm driving a car. Driving a car? Whose car are you driving? Never. No way, man. You just sell a little money. Eddie, the point is, I was in a Taco Bell commercial. Taco Bell Visa.

He got, Eddie Holden got a commercial. Pantsless groomsman. But it was on the internet only. An online Taco Bell commercial. Maybe he will be on the internet at some point next fucking year. As a pantsless groomsman. He fought for a line and he got it. Yep.

But it might not make it. Kevin, how's the TV show going? Oh, it's going great. You know what? Here's the crazy thing about making money. People just keep giving you money.

It's weird though. Yeah. They call me. And then eventually they start giving you free shit because you have money. I'm sitting in the office.

I'm working on the thing they're giving me all the money for and then they call me and they're like, hey, you want to do this commercial? Money. That's awesome. More more of it it's like crazy this is one of my i i always i feel like i always quote this and this is like four years ago but it's something you said to me one time when i

when me and ben used to host that show at the dj academy yeah and i was like drunk as fuck and we were like hanging out and then i was like you you're like, oh, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't know, man. I don't think I can hang out too much longer. I've been kind of drunk. I should just go home. And he's like, why? And I'm like, well, I got an audition tomorrow.

I was like for commercials. I'm like, I had an audition for an audition. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, you won't get it. And you were right. Only advice that matters. You never get it. No one gets it. And you were right. Only advice that matters. You never get it. No one gets it.

That's what I said. It's Satan Claus. He's fucking covered in horns. He's shooting an elf in the head. He's fucking a deer. I'm going with Ben. I'm going with a lot. I'm going with the Ben Maria combination. I'm going with the 24 hour Well, the Ben Maria combination. I'm going with the 24-hour

live crucifixion slash nativity scene. He likes Peter. What's that? With a Pac-Man cameo at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. every day. Oh, make sense. Except he gets every other Sunday off.

Not bad. Alright, so that's been this roundtable. What a fun show it was. Louis, you got Ben Sary! That's what it is. So find your album on iTunes. Yeah, my name is Louis. It's spelled funny though. So it's L-O-U-I-S-K-A-T-Z. That's how you can

find me. Okay, great. And follow you on Twitter? Everything. Oh, I have my own podcast too. What's it called? Louis Katz Podcast. So good. Yeah. Brilliant guy. Listen to Louis Katz Podcast.

Can I be on it? Yeah. Actually, I would like to use this whole episode as just an episode of my podcast, so I don't have to record another one. Great. If that's all right with you guys. Why not? That's perfect.

Put it on. Yeah, put it on. Fine. Thanks. Appreciate it. I'll send you the edited version so you don't have to do any work. Oh,? That's perfect. Put it on. Yeah, put it on. Fine. Thanks. Appreciate it. I'll send you the edited version so you don't have to do any work. Oh, that'd be great. Maria, what's up with you?

I'm on Twitter at Ria Wojo, R-I-A-W-O-J-O and I have a blog called ilooklikelauradurn.tumblr.com You do. Where I dress up like her and pose as... Have you done LauraDern.tumblr.com You do. Where I dress up like her in poses. Have you done Jurassic Park?

Yeah, of course. That's what started it all. You got some good khaki shorts? Absolutely. What's the best Laura Dern movie and what look do you like the most? My favorite look of Laura Dern? You know this one?

I know this one. I'm a one? Yeah. I know this one. I'm a big fan of Wild at Heart. That's what I was going to say. Where she's like throwing at, like the ones where

she's like a rough time. I was going to say Blue Velvet. Blue Velvet's a great Laura Dern too. Oh yeah. She's got some good faces in that.

Citizen Ruth, I'm a big fan of because she looks so like Haggard. You ever do Novocaine? No, I haven't done that one yet.

You ever do Ladies and Gentlemen the Fabulous Stains? I have. That one was one of my favorites, too. So if you've never seen it, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous... It's a fucking amazing punk rock movie. Huh.

It's really good. I had no idea. Laura Dern, very successful actress. You can be found on Twitter, too. At Eddie Toons underscore. Also, Murder Fist show, December 19th, the Christmas special. Come on out. 930 at the Pit.

That's going to be a lot of fun. That's right. The Pit. 24th Street, right? 24th Street between Park and Lex. Isn't that exciting? 1, 2, 3. East 24th.

Easy to remember because it's just counting. That's a good point, Eddie. Holden, we have to hear something positive. Yeah. What is it? Life is a doable situation. Catcher 6945, hit me up on PlayStation Network. We could play a game, but you'll probably ask me for a shout-out instead.

Did you ever get, Did you ever search Twitter? Never started that Twitter, JuliaJohn69. Lots of people started Twitters in your honor, but you never did it. I need to get on it. JuliaJohn69, I'm going to start that soon. Someone, I think, did JuliaJohn69. Really? Holden, you should just get on Twitter.

Kevin, your experience on Twitter, very good. Very positive. Oh, and follow me on Spotify. I'm doing a project right now where I'm making a playlist for every single year from 1950 to 2015. Oh, that's great. I'm up to 1980 right now, so there's three full decade playlists. They're all about like 300, 400 songs each. Wow.

Go follow me on Spotify. Quick question. Really? I quit smoking. Yeah. I quit smoking, so I have to have the breaks that I used to take. I have to get some other obsessive activity. So, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

And once I get to 2015, I don't know what I'm going to do. I've got a whole life to live after that. You know what's a fun thing to do? I did this. I was, like, trashed Newed New Year's like two years ago. You go on Twitter, you can search like some like fucking lame ass phrase or something. Like I searched like something about being happy. Like it was like being in a relationship doesn't mean you're happy.

Just as much as being single doesn't mean you're lonely. And I felt like it was probably a lot of people that said that exact thing. Because some bullshit high school girl on my timeline posted that. And I searched it. It was probably a lot of people that said that exact thing. Some bullshit high school girl on my timeline posted that. And I searched it. It was literally thousands. And I retweeted all of them. I spent hours. I spent hours at 4 in the morning retweeting people.

People were upset. All right. Find Gavin on Twitter at FatboyBarnett. I'm at Ben Kessel. Marcus, start smoking again. No! That's it! I want Marcus to start smoking again.

Why? Because. Fine, then you gotta get fat again. I am fat now. Just because he's wearing big sweaters doesn't mean there's not a bunch of junk under there. You lost the weight goodbye everybody