The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 269: Radioactive Cum

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

This week on Round Table: A Russian sailor learns why you shouldn't drink and drive boats either, we learn all about mer-genitals, and DooDoo the clown saves a damsel in distress. Joining us today: John F. O'Donnel, Reid Faylor, and Erik Bergstrom!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Am I on here?

We're on. We're on. So you have to stop talking now for just one second. Then you can start again. Okay. Who's praying? That's the question. Reed's praying. Reed's praying.

Okay. You're praying. Is that okay? That's perfectly okay. Kevin Barnum is not here. Reed Fahler is sitting in for him. All right. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen. Amen. Lord God, listen to me. When I say this to thee, you will understand a truth I make known. That there is one God and he is you and you are he. And tonight we are your disciples gathered in feast, a feast of words, verbs, nouns, and fuckaroos. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the end of the prayer. Perfect.

All right. Wow. One of the better prayers we've had in a very long time, Reed. You crushed it. I went to Catholic school. Very nice. I knew all about the fuckaroos. All right.

So this podcast is called The Roundtable of Gentlemen, and I would like to welcome back our wayward son. She hasn't been here in a very long time, busy making pies and being successful. Jackie Zabrowski, I'm here today. Jackie's back, all right! Something I want to learn how to do is be a fuckaroo, because, I mean, I've got, like, spud titties.

Everybody knows it. I've been called that, but I ain't never been called a fuckaroo before. Spud titties? So they have, like, eyes popping out of them? Yeah, they got lots of eyes. They got hairs. Yeah. And they got, you know when you let a potato sit for too long and that black liquid comes out of it?

Yeah, you're botulism. Yeah. Yeah, I got botchy titties. Right. Well, the Irish botchy titties. Right. Well, the Irish don't like them. All right, Ed, you're here, and you're wearing a dolphin sweater. You bought for me. That's right.

Kepper and I bought it for your birthday. Yeah, and Kellen and Julia, too. Julia John 69, is it going on? I got to get it set up. I always am forgetting to do it. You fucker. Liar. He's a liar.

I do want to clarify, that proves just how fat Ed is. It took four of us to buy a sweater for him. So that is not easy to do. NFL merchandise is expensive. He's a large person. That was from the NFL store? That wasn't bootleg? No, it's Diami D.

It's just right. It says Go Finns on it. It's in the Miami Dolphins colors. And you went to the Miami Dolphins game today. They played against the Jets. And the Jets are a terrible team, so I assume the Dolphins won. And they beat the shit out of us. And it was funny because I was getting a dolphin fan.

My life is subject to taunt and ridicule. And the Jets fans all day today, you're going to love this, Ben, were yelling at me. And they were like, boo, boo this man. Like pointing at me and I'm like, yeah, give it to me. And some of them were like, nice sweater. And I was like, that is a nice sweater. You know what I mean? Like as they're booing me.

It is a nice sweater. It's a nice sweater. It's a hell of a sweater. I'll tell you what's not nice. Holdenators. Oh, no. Whoa. He's so mean.

PlayStation Network, shout out. Lucas is a cool dude. Is not a cool dude. Your underscore mom 44 is a fucker. Persnickety is a total fucker. And I forgot to say Persnickety on last week, so I apologize, Persnickety. Thank you for fucking reminding me. Poncho933 says he's a giant cock guzzler.

Paul K is a smooth poser. Mickey Mouse with a five has a comeback for Ricky Poop333. He says, fuck you back, you piece of shit, and stop taking 45-minute shits at work or I'll fire you. Can't get me Molly, but can get green. I guess it's a side convo. I don't know what he's talking about there. It's a side convo. Dr. Benway underscore called me a punk bitch.

Why don't I fucking go to your mom and have my way with her against her will? You're going to rape this bitch? I know. How do you say that? You need to say it. You said it. Like a mind control thing. It's like psychological.

Yeah, my way is not fucking. My way is not fucking. It's my way or the highway, baby. What is your definition of have your way with her? Just show her the town. You know? She has to spend a day with him.

Yeah, just a full day with me. That's far worse than Rachel. That is way worse. And a big, giant shout-out to Lupa Tot, a.k.a. Sam. He got me past Ludwig the Accursed in the Bloodborne DLC, and then we marched forward

and defeated two more bosses, Stranger and Denver. Who? You're my bro. Nobody cares. He just sat on his ass on a Saturday night. Don't let him get you down. All night last night, I bought 12 beers,

and I fucking drank them alone in my apartment playing Bloodborne. You idiots. Living the dream. You're so excited about your weak-ass life. I think that's awesome. I agree with you on that. John F. O'Donnell is here.

He's from Russian television. Thanks for being here, J-Fuck. Hello, they pay me in RuPaul's. I don't give a that. John F. O'Donnell is here. He's from Russian television. Thanks for being here, J-Fuck. Hello. They pay me in RuPaul's. I don't give a fuck. All right. Kevin Barnett. Indiana Jones enemy. Yes.

Kevin Barnett's busy. I think he's in Hollywood making another television show. Good for him. Absolutely good for him. I made love to his cousin a lot. You did? You did. He did.

He did. Hold on. I dated Tanda. She's pretty chill. Her name is Tanda? Tanda, like Panda? No, like Panda. He did. He did. Hold on. I dated Tanda. She's pretty chill. Her name is Tanda? Tanda, like Panda? No, like Tanda. So you had sex with Kevin Barnett's cousin?

A bunch. Yeah, he doesn't like to talk about it. Kevin doesn't. No, Kevin hates to talk about it. No, actually, Kevin told me once when we first started seeing each other. She's like, I want you to know, man, I'm totally cool with you going out with my cousin. I think you're great. What happened?

But the relationship ended horribly. Well, I don't know. I kind of lost my marbles or whatever. Oh, that was the Jesus around Battery Park moment. You know what I mean? We don't know that I'm not him. That's all I'm going to say. We don't know that.

That is true. I thought Jesus was a little bit taller, maybe a little bit less pale. No, actually, I think historically I looked it up. He was my height. So that didn't help with any of the delusion. Yeah. We'll get into it later. How long did you think about it before you thought to look up Jesus' height?

I think it just happened simultaneously. It was very kind of like, I don't know, it was very Holy Ghost. That's good. You save on the cross. That's a good point. Less wood. You don't have to buy new crosses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. Little back story. J-Fi had a small mental breakdown in the mid-2000s. You thought you were Jesus and you were running around Battery Park, but it was a hell of a time. Well, it was Gantry Park, not Battery Park. Oh, it was Gantry Park? I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know, every man has gone through the phase where he thinks his penis can heal women from the inside out, not just physically but psychologically. You know what I mean? And I think that's a really just nice thing that you can contribute to somebody. I'm not a monster, you know? I want women to feel good about themselves via my cock of wisdom and justice. And this is the exact interview they gave you for RT, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I prefer to think of my cock only as a weapon. Yeah. That's good. So you thought you might be Jesus, and Kevin's cousin was like, I don't want to fuck someone who might not. The time frame was much later. Okay.

That's Eric Bergstrom speaking there. Thank you for being here, Eric. Thank you for having me. Yeah. How you doing, Eric? I'm still going. How's the cancer? It's mediocre.

You're on. Johnny, eight years ago, should have fucked you. Yeah, Johnny, can you? Oh, my God. You wouldn't have gotten kicked. Johnny, as a former Jesus, can you cure Eric really quick? Eric, Eric. Eric, listen to former Jesus Johnny.

Eric, this adds up. Look me in the eyes. I shouldn't fight this. Look former Jesus Johnny in the eyes. Look me in the eyes, Eric. That's fine. I can fuck your canceled room butt so good that you'll fucking live forever, dude. God, you should have warned me eight years ago.

Tell everybody about how poisonous your cum is right now. Oh, it's very poisonous. So what happens? What if I just had a sip? Just like a little sip. A sip seems like a lot. A child's medicine dropper full of cum. If you have a sip of that, you'll turn into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

That sounds great. What do you mean? It's pretty cool. So, Eric, you're going through chemoage Mutant Ninja Turtle. That sounds great. Yeah, it's pretty cool. So, Eric, you're going through chemo. You've gone through about four different cycles now. But now this poisons your semen? Yeah, it makes it real bad. So it's radioactive cum?

It's poison. Technically, last week it was also radioactive. Really? Yeah, because they injected me with a radioactive isotope to do a PET scan. Wait, so a woman can't come on somebody's face? Oh, I'm not supposed to. I love that being a thing of things not to do after it. You know what I mean? Don't come on faces.

Don't wipe it on library cards. Don't put it in the sewer. If I took a dap of it, would I trip? That's for us to find out. Yeah. And what an interesting... It's like licking a frog's back. Exactly.

100%. That'll be interesting. No, but you are, in all reality, you're crushing cancer, Eric, and we all love you. Thank you. You look great. Wear a condom. They just repeatedly say that, so yeah. Oh, I think it's going to burn right through that, wouldn't it?

It's like Alien. I would love that, though. Just watch it just like burst right through it. I'd be like, yeah! It's still going! That means it really wants to be inside of me, and that's the cum I want to make a baby with. Yes, it would.

That's beautiful. You want a baby made from a nightmare challenge. It's like an obstacle course to get to my uterus. Right, if your semen is poisoned, I guess your blood is also poisoned then, right? Yeah. So it is like Alien Eddie. You're a good point. You're a biological weapon.

If we shot you, if we did try to defeat you, you would inevitably win. We've got to send a bunch of cancer victims into space. Yeah. Eric, will you come work for Russia, too? We've been wanting to get some more biological weapons. They sent a Bergstrom over to kill ISIS. That'd be nice. You'd just make them laugh a bunch, though.

Oh, no, I wouldn't. Eric, you're so... They wouldn't understand. They'd be too busy going... They'd be too busy raping me. Eric, Eric, your cancer material is so funny. Is it worth it? Is it worth it?

Oh, cancer is always worth it. The material and the weight loss. I'm so jealous. Oh, no, I put on weight. You have? Yeah. Is it maybe a real fatty? No.

Is it steroids with it? Only when I get chemo, they give me steroids. But I lost weight because I had cancer, and then I've been putting it back on he's been eating shit he was too skinny for a while yeah that and like uh the cancer is like going the amount of cancer is going down so that for some reason it was just uh killing my appetite and eating calories itself and stuff like that but thank god you were already thin to begin with so you're doing great. Just variations on a skeleton. The last time you played it. My jazz album.

Variations on a skeleton. I love it. By Holden McNeely. But no. What's your jazz sound like again? Men are fine. Men are fine to play with. You can find them in the dark and play with them friendly style.

It's like a bad Bob Dylan. It's more of a scat. But like scat like the sex stuff. Track three, men are fine. Yeah, men are fine in the friendly dark. Alright. But no, real variations on a skeleton. Off of variations on a skeleton.

The cover is just an extreme close up of a nipple. Done with it. Off of variations on a skeleton. Off of variations on a skeleton. The cover is just an extreme close-up of a nipple. I'm done with it. I just know what it is, though. Bergstrom, you got a very good response by the doctor, though. It's official. Your cancer is in remission, right? It is in remission.

Hey! No, curse the guy! Breaking glasses! Hey! I still have to do yeah it's super optimistic it's great I still have to do four months of chemo still but like it's the best news yet awesome that's awesome dude alright very Russian response

John let's go to our first one it does involve Russia I was killed by the mob Putin had nothing to do with it. What was that? The Chechnya bombings of 99? What's that? All Chechens are terrorists. I don't want to talk about it.

Were you introduced? I did the prayer. He never said his name. I said he was replacing Kevin Burnett. He did say that. He didn't say it his name. I never said. I said he was replacing Kevin Burnett. Reed Failure is with us. He did say that. He didn't say it three times, though. That's true. It's not real.

Just twice now. One more time. Otherwise, I can't substantiate. It's like Skeleton Key. Like a little ghost boy. It's absolutely terrifying. I'm just a little ghosty boy. I'm just a spooky, spooky boy.

Make him stop. Kissle, say it again, please. No, Marcus, we have to move on with the news. I can't. I'm sorry, I can't. I'm tired of the flesh. He's not going to be a real boy. There is no practical reason

for me to say Reed Baylor's name right now. Oh! Oh, no. I am word become flesh. Nice. All right, let's go to Russia with our first story, Marcus. A Russian sailor was eight times over the legal limit when he ran a 7,000-ton ship aground at full speed onto rocks. Love it.

Fuck yeah, rock and roll, man. How fun would it be to drive? Fuck yeah, rock and roll, man. How fun would it be to drive? Driving well drunk is dangerous because theoretically there's other cars on the road, and you can murder an entire family of five. But boating well drunk, especially with such a large cargo ship, there's not a lot of people on the ocean. I mean, Hex on Valdez.

Yeah, remember Hex on Valdez? That didn't hit people. Yeah, you're right. No, it was perfectly fine. I don't think the driver was drunk. All the people were fine. He was drunk. He was hammered. Fucking hammered, man.

Wasted. If I remember correctly from the 1989 Mad Magazine issue. Yeah. I read all about it. Here's a logistical question I have, Marcus. So it says eight times over the legal limit. Is that the U.S. legal limit or the Russian legal limit? Oh, my God.

Because I think he was sober for the Russian legal limit. Yeah, he was just about ready to drive. Yeah, yeah. He had downed two-thirds of a bottle of rum. It doesn't say how big of a bottle, but two-thirds of a bottle. A Russian that was drinking rum? What kind of fucking Russian is he? A sailor.

This sounds like a Western propaganda story to me. You know what I mean? Rum? What is this Western propaganda? Yeah. That's where you found it. He's starting to turn me. You're starting to turn Ed.

You see what you're doing here? He's very susceptible. Classic J-Fod. Is there any better thing to drink than rum when on the water? Rum is a water drink. It's a sailor drink. Yeah. Pina Coladas.

Which has rum in it. No, no, it's a Pina Colada. You're right, it has Pina Colada in it. You pick it from the Pina Colada tree. The tree. You squeeze the fruits and then you have a Pina Colada. What's in the sexy beach? Sex on the beach? No, the sexy tree. The tree. Squeeze the fruits. And then you have a beagle. What's in the sexy beach? Sex on the beach?

No, the sexy beach. The drink? Yeah. The drink sexy beach? That sexy beach. I don't think that is a drink. There's sex on the beach. No, the sexy beach.

But the beach itself being sexy, I guess that would mean you would have sex with the sand. Ooh. I found sexy on the beach. Is that a thing? Is that a thing you build up like a kind of sand mound? Haven't you ever put your dick inside a sand? Yeah. Oh, just a little bit Oh, you know I got a little rocks in there

I mean you fuck it J phone How would you so how do you build the the hole in the sand for when you want to have sex well you have to? Get some damp sand well And then you make it around and then you you put a hole in the middle And then you just fuck it and what do you say to it you say like oh you're part of the earth I'm part of the earth. You make me feel connected. We're as though we're one. And then you come.

Oh, that's very interesting. See, what I like about Sam, I go the other way. I put it in. So inside of your penis. Oh, yeah. Squeeze it open up. One pebble at a time? No, you can do it more than that.

Not much. You get a little funnel. It's like cleaning a pipe with a pipe cleaner. It's just like routine wear and tear. It just cleans out all the debris. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You get a lot of. It's like cleaning a pipe with a pipe cleaner. It's just like routine wear and tear. It just cleans out all the debris. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You get all that dead tissue in that. All that gook.

Urethra. Yeah, and you just tape a bunch of toothpicks together, and that's how you shove it deeper. That's where all my weed tar goes. I like to pretend that... Yeah, Ben, you've never shoved your dick hole full of sand before? No, I actually have. I do sand.

You're dirty. A little bit of isopropyl alcohol. That's fucking un-American, bro. That's how you attract a mermaid. I actually have it. You're dirty. A little bit of isopropyl alcohol. That's fucking un-American, bro. That's how you attract a mermaid. I had no idea. Yeah, I saw it in Splash. Frankie, would you fuck a merman? A merman?

Would you fuck him? I mean, where's the dick? I mean, is the dick going to peep up on top of his fin legs? Oh, huge fish dick. His dick is where a man's penis would be, but his balls are on top of the dick. That's okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, because then my nose can kiss it, and my nose will stay warm

while I suck his cock. There you go. I want to say when I'm fucking sand, I like to pretend that I'm one of the slaves that built the pyramids. Oh. A Jew. Excuse me. Oh, yeah, and I'm like, oh, this is so heavy. I don't even understand the analogy. Yeah, so you just get hard as you're building.

Yeah, I'm just like, yeah, I've spent a long ass day fucking building these pyramids for the fucking aliens. King of Egypt. Right, and then you have sex with the pyramid. Yeah. No, I have sex with the sand. With the sand, okay. I've got an answer for your mermaid query.

Yay! Males do have a penis, but it's almost as small as a human female clitoris and is the same color as the tail and is hardly visible. It's used for urination as well as sexual intercourse. The testicles are inside the tail hole then. Whoa. With that nub, I feel like I could get on top of it and just at least rub the nub. Yeah, yeah.

Like our nubs could rub. Fink, fink, fink. Yeah, yeah. Fink, fink, fink. That's the sound. Fink, fink, fink. Squish, squish, squish. I think where there's an imagination, you can have sex with anything.

Oh, yeah. I love your head. Thank you. The testicles in... Pat, what was that? The testicles inside of the tail. Doesn't that seem like the worst place for the testicles? That's the thing that's constantly slapping the water. No, the tail is the least protected part of the fish.

Where would you prefer to have a pair of balls? I mean, inside of a larger chamber that doesn't necessarily... See your stomach. Yeah, your stomach. I mean, a fish's tail is constantly splashing the water. Yeah, but for us, it's just loose sacks. Yeah, Ben, you don't know how rugged the sack of the merman is. Well, here's what it is.

Here's why it's in the tail, rather than because the top half is warm-blooded. See? Because it's a man. And then the bottom half is a fish, so the bottom half's cold-blooded. And since testicles need to be at a lower temperature, which is why they're outside of our body, that's why they're inside the tail so they could be colder. Logically, it makes perfect sense. It seems like

it doesn't, but let's have a debate. Marcus versus Reed. Where are the bulge on mermans? I still don't understand how an organism could be both warm and cold-blooded. But that's another. But he's a scientist. Have you ever met a fucking woman? Am I right?

Boom! He works for Russian television. The Russian television. Go back to Russia, J-Fod. For those of you at home, I high-fived myself. Yes. It's called hiling. That was more of a hile. Isn't that something?

That joke of the week. I mean, it showed us already. Yeah. Yeah, joke of the week. Already? Yeah. Yeah, joke of the week. All right, let's go home. All right, very good. You've got it. And by the way,

read the anus is above the penis. Oh, never mind. All my quandaries are solved. Good. Now I like the idea. The anus is above the penis. So Jackie, your nose can stay warm when you're sucking his dick.

I mean, I'll put my nose wherever it's gotta be because it's always cold. My one problem with pockets is that I can't touch my booty hole with them. But if it's up top by my penis, I can just pat my belly all day.

I can rub it around. I can say, hey everyone, look at my belly button, but I'm showing them my little booty hole. It's also easier to wipe. Yeah, you don't have to. You can just look at it. You don't have to check. You're going to spit on it.

Just spit on it and rub the spit all over it. So a merman's butthole is above his little clit dick and then his sack is in the back. You got it. And his nipples are interior. It's a whole new world. Eric, how is the movements?

Are you able to... What? Are you flowing okay? Are you talking about bowel movements? Am I like a merman? Yeah. Are you okay with that? Oh, they're real steady.

Sometimes blood, but real steady. Yeah, you get the blood thing. Sometimes. I get blood sometimes, but that's just, you know, hemorrhoids. That's just being a man. That's just what happens when you eat blood. Ben, I can't imagine you not shitting blood. Me?

Yeah. I haven't shat a day in my life. A true gentleman. Yeah, that's right. Just some maple syrup kind of pee. And full of shit. Pun of the day. I liked it.

Pun of the day. $2.85 gift certificate to Shoney's. Pun of the day. Pun of the day. Pun of the day. Ed, you get nothing. Fuck me. Joke of the week, it's nothing.

Well, this Russian guy said the reason why he drank three quarters of a bottle of rum, Well, this Russian guy said the reason why he drank three quarters of a bottle of rum, they said that he had a private telephone call in which one of the shipmates said, quote, caused him anxiety, after which he consumed about half a liter of rum. I mean, you know, they need better medical care in Russia. Obviously, he needs a Xanax or something like that. I mean, that's really the problem here. We've all had a bad phone conversation and drank a bunch of rum and rammed a boat into a bunch of rocks.

Mm hmm. I've been there. Yeah, you have to. You got to do it. I have sympathy for this poor for this poor man. Mm hmm. Just trying to do his job drunk. And he couldn't. What do you think the phone call said? I. Yeah. Hold on. What do you think the phone call said? Hey, Jerry. Oh, that's a lot of stress. I don't like that. I need the rump.

It's me, Jerry. No, his fucking princess was probably banging a goddamn merman. She's out on a dinghy. She's getting her fucking clit to clit with her merman. He's shitting all over her because he's getting too excited. And they're slipping and sliding. She probably sent him pictures of him

via some kind of telegraph. He saw it and he goes, oh, no. I drink all the rough. And I don't know what accent it is. I guess it's Russian. It's Russian. Jay Fon, is that Russian? Very, very Russian.

That's more Siberian. It's good. It's really good. Yeah, they call a retarded merman a der-der-der-man. That is a fact. Yes. Vaginas on mermen, vaginas on mer-ladies are slightly shorter than human vaginas. Thank you.

About time. And the butthole is slightly above the urogenital opening. So when they fuck each other, when merpeople fuck each other, it's butthole on butthole action. And if you've ever seen two retarded mermans fuck, it's violent, mean, brutal, bruises all over the body. They're screaming. Oh, oh, you know, just screaming. Fucking fish in their mouths. Scratching at each other's gills.

They don't know how to shave their gills down, so they're all scratchy, so they're bleeding all over themselves. Shave their gills down? You gotta shave the gills. They were recruited for a reason. Let Bergstrom talk. He has cancer.

I'm just saying, maybe he's trying to get the boat away from all of that violent, violent gay mer-sex. That's true. Get him out of here. I could see that, definitely. Yeah, gay, retarded mer-sex. Is it offensive?

I don't even know. Alien Gonzalez. Just very strong. That's the name I was saying. They don't know they're on strength. He was saved by dolphins. Was he saved by dolphins? Yeah, yeah.

Are you making that up because of the game today? Dolphins, they raped him? No, they're on strike. He was saved by dolphins. Was he saved by dolphins? Yeah, yeah. Are you making that up because of the game today? Dolphins they raped? Did Mermaid ever fuck dolphins? No, they just took care of him. When his family was dead and he was on that raft all by himself, the dolphins got him to land. That's awesome. Sweet. And then they sent him right back.

And then they lost a football game. Through teamwork. Yeah, through teamwork. When this thing hit the ground, first it was at 2.40 a.m., and the chief engineer first reported a double-bottom sludge tank in the engine room. Sounds like Holden's nickname. Sounds like my fucking ex-girlfriend. Gay moose sex.

That very attractive girl that everyone wanted to have sex with? Yeah, the double-bottom sludge tank. Yeah, that was first to be breached and was filled with water, and then it almost sank, but it did not, for the double-bottomed sludge tank was able to take in the extra seawater. Oh, yeah, man, sludge tank can always tank it in.

Yeah, it sounds like some sort of appetizer at Applebee's or something like that. I'd love the double-edged... Double-bottomed sludge tank. Sounds like my fucking aunt. I thought it sounded like your ex-girlfriend. Sounds like all of them. Yeah.

Man, you used to have such, and you still have a beautiful girlfriend, yeah. Yeah. But the other one. The other one, the model one. The tall one, yeah. She was good. Yeah, but then she lost. And then she turned bad. Like other one, the model one. The tall one, yeah. She was good. Yeah, but then she left.

And then she turned bad. Couldn't communicate. Like an apple. Couldn't communicate. Yeah, I was just like, hey, baby, I'm mad at you. And she'd just get all squirrely on me. That's something. Should I give it another shot?

Yeah, yeah, email her. Okay. Yeah, yeah, what would it say? Double bottom sludge tank piece of shit. Dear double bottom sludge tank, let's fucking make it work. Dump your now model boyfriend and come back to me. Oh, she's getting a model. Oh, he's very attractive. You know, she figured out.

I was the one, you know, when you sneak in there right before they realize what number they are. I was like, oh, I'm an eight. Like, I can be with other eights, you know. But she didn't know that when I met her. Right, right, right. She eight. Like, I can be with other eights, you know? But she didn't know that when I met her. Right, right, right. She was a real human with feelings. That sounds, yeah. But Holden wiped that all away.

Yeah, he got rid of that. So where do you rank yourself out of 10? 2.5. No, Jackie, where does he, where do I rank myself more than that? He's a mean bully. Why don't you go back to bully school? I don't have to. I already graduated. I went to my master's school. I. He's a mean bully. Why don't you go back to bully school? I don't have to. I already graduated.

You fucking monster. You're a witch. I'm an asser and a bully. Here's your broom, you witch bitch. I am a witch. I'm going to fly away on it, and you fucking wish you could. I'm fucking Harry Potter. I'll fucking play a dumb stupid game they play.

Yeah, you're a wizard, Harry. And I'm fucking Hagrid, your ass. I'm going to fucking rape you with my big Hagrid dick. You molest somebody. So where do you rank yourself? You molest four people. What do you got? A 2.5? Jackie says 2 Moist somebody. So where do you rank yourself? Moist four people. What do you got? A 2.5?

Jackie says 2.5. Reed, where do you put Holden at? When I was thin, I'd give myself a seven. Now I give myself a... Don't make me a seven. I don't think it's the fat that makes it lower. I don't think the fat makes it lower. It's my charm.

I think it's the personality that makes it lower. People love to be near me. That's why Eric chose to sit next to me across the way from you. It's my charm. I think it's a personality. People love to be near me. Yeah. That's why Eric chose to sit next to me across the way from you. That's the thing. Too much charm. Yeah. And I'm next to you because I got into the room last.

Yeah, not bad. I hate to disagree with you, but I'm actually sitting next to you because you're uglier than me. It makes this boy look like a shining gold medal next to your dull little tungsten carbonite. Tungsten. All right, Simon. I didn't mean that. I think you're really handsome and you're taller than me, so you get props no matter what. You're a beautiful man.

I want us to appreciate. I love you and I love your voice and I love everything you do. Let's say everyone go around and say two nice things about me. Absolutely not. You don't have long to live. Tell Holden how ugly you think he is. Oh yeah, I'm in. You can be honest.

You're radioactive. Former top ten. Yeah, not worth my poison, Jizz. Oh! It's a shame. You're not getting any of his treatment from him. You wouldn't even come in if it killed you. Hell yeah.

Alright, so this poor Russian got drunk and got fired. Holden, you're okay, huh? Nah, I'm bigger now. I know what I accept my role and my place in this world. I'm not gonna be Gloria Stefan. That's who you're know what I accept my role and my place in this world. I'm not gonna be Gloria Estefan. That's who you're aspiring

to? You'll never be Gloria Estefan. I don't know Spanish and I can't. Those fucking juicy thighs. You could be Paula Abdul though. I could? Yeah, because she's lesser than Gloria Estefan. Oh, Paula Abdul's hot. You don't get the rhythm and the rhythm doesn't get you. She's hot, but she's definitely lesser than Gloria Estefan. Oh, Paula Abdul's hot. You don't get the rhythm, and the rhythm doesn't get you.

I mean, she's hot, but she's definitely lesser than Gloria Estefan. Oh, talent-wise, yeah. Who is? Paula Abdul. Who was the one that died? Selena. And don't you ever say who's the one that died until she doesn't fucking matter. You love Selena, Jackie.

I love Selena. I'll do anything for Selena. You have not watched the movie over and over again, and also she has a whole line. It'll do anything for Selena. You have not watched a movie over and over again. And also she has a whole line. It's not a good movie. No, I've seen it many times. Selena Coppock died?

Selena Coppock is a great stand-up comedian, a bit of an inside joke, but I give you credit for it, Jay Foggy. High five. He keeps piling at us. Yeah, he just piling at us. The Russians are teaching him well.

Hey, we all fought together in World War II. Come on. Wasting wheel. Jackie, what's the number one thing about Selena that makes her the most important artist of all time? She died too young. That's it? And she was too beautiful.

No, man. And she would wear a bustier. And her father would say, that is a bra. And she said, no, daddy, it's a bustier. And then she would do a mug and she would dance. And then all her fans would be like, anything for Selena. And now she has her own line of Mac makeup. Whoa.

And in her, she's post-mortem. Yeah, although she is not alive to enjoy it. She was killed by her fan club president. Her fan club president murdered her. Too jealous. God, I would love to get that famous. You tried, but people didn't think you were Jesus, believe it or not.

Well, you know, and it's all been downhill after that. You know what I mean? Maybe you should go as Muhammad next. Don't get my ideas. That'll get me killed. Is that what he looks like? I have no idea what these people look like. You can't draw pictures of the guy.

I've never seen him. I'd be disappointed with the world if I was the Messiah when he came back. I would love it. It's me, man. Did you make an accent just to make it weird? Is that Italian? It's me, J-Fa. Say I'm a backer, boy. It's a me, a J-Fan.

I'm a backer boy. It's the same in the world. So Muhammad's just a guy wearing black clothes, right? Is that the image of Muhammad? No, I thought he went on a fast and he got really thin and he was played by that British guy. No, it's Gandhi. Same difference. I always heard he had like saggy skin.

I bet. Yeah, like you could tug and tug on it. A lot of moles. He has a bigger penis than Jesus. I'm going to say it. Muhammad has a bigger penis than Jesus? I feel like, I just feel that way. I think. Yeah, like you could tug and tug on it. A lot of moles. He has a bigger penis than Jesus. I'm going to say it. Muhammad has a bigger penis than Jesus? I feel like, I just feel that way. I think they're all the same person. I really do.

I think it's ridiculous to talk about the size of their penis when they're both clearly bottoms. All right, we got death threats coming. Great. Thank you, Reed. Yeah, they tape it up. That's great. Clearly, Reed. Clearly.

So the Russian got too drunk to drive a boat. Let's go to clown news. Sure. We've actually got a lot of clown news this week. In fact, we might spend the rest of the show talking about clown news. I don't know if I thought we already were with Jesus and Muhammad. Come on. Make fun of Abraham or something.

Make fun of him too. Lincoln? Lincoln. No, Abraham, he couldn't even kill his own son. He can't kill their own son. Oh, I forgot where I put the knife. Dummy. Idiot.

Man, you did go to Catholic school. Who can't kill a kid named Isaac? Children of the corn. That's a good point. Slay him. Isaac was just born to die. Yeah, he was. Who isn't?

Well, this is a Canadian clown story that we have here. Redundant. Redundant. A Toronto area clown is being honored for bravery after saving... Sorry. Immediately, the idea of it so dumbfounded Ed that he spilled the beer all over himself.

Clown bravery Canada. Yeah, but it's after he saved two women from a confrontation with a stranger while he was wearing full clown gear. women from a confrontation with a stranger while he was wearing full clown gear. Thornton resident Shane Farberman, better known as Doodoo the Clown. As far as clown names go, it's a pretty great clown name.

If I was a clown, I'd be Doodoo 2. The clown I had growing up was Piss Bitch. Piss Bitch the Clown. I thought that was too much. I thought, no way, buddy. No, that's just enough.

Doo-doo the Clown. Yep, he was driving in the area of Front and Backhurst streets on Sunday afternoon when he noticed a man acting strangely. Doo-doo said the man was in shirts on a cold day. He was in shirts on a cold day. Dude's like, this guy's weird. Clear sign of insanity. Oh, thought

Doo-Doo as he rubbed his grease makeup. That man seems sinister. The man was jumping over cars and pushing people walking down the sidewalk. Doo-Doo said this guy was obviously in distress. So Doo-Doo followed the man in his car and saw the man confront two women.

Just... Full clown makeup, trying not to be noticed. A dude with a full-size car. Clown car. Is that the same clown that's been following me? Dudu, clown, P.I.

Clown, P.P. Dudu, clown, P.P. Clown, P.P. Doodoo, clown, P.P. Well, Doodoo told CTV News Channel that he saw the man push one of the women before walking away from him. The man then turned back and chased the women along the sidewalk. Doodoo can be heard in the surveillance video shouting at the women to get into his hummer to get away from the man. Doodoo's got a hummer? Doodoo's got a hummer. Doodoo's got a hummer. Get in my hummer, everybody.

This sounds like a perfect scheme to kidnap women. Get in my hummer. No, baby, I'm protecting you. No, he's jumping over cars, baby. 20,000 clowns in there? There were two other fully decked out clowns in the hummer. Were their names provided?

The names were not provided. We only know because Doodoo was the only one that was brave enough to get out. The two other clowns were sitting in the back seat like a couple of assholes. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Yeah, exactly. Shit, shit. Dungboy. I am shit, shit the clown.

Human PC, he is the clown. And this is my brother Dungboy. We like to fuck each other. Just a little hard. I never save a woman. I only fuck my brother. I sat on a piece of wood when I was a boy. Now it's shit, shit.

Dudu is honored with a scroll. It's so dumb. He was honored with a scroll for bravery for so dumb. He was honored with a scroll for bravery for his role in the incident which is presented

by Toronto Councilman Norm Kelly at Toronto City Hall on Monday. A scroll for heroism. About the incident

Doodoo the Clown said it wasn't a laughing matter. Oh, fuck you constant show man his brother loved it though dude that's weird

Dudu's gonna get so much puss oh yeah Dudu's gonna get so much puss puss he's fat puss puss yeah

here's Dudu oh god kinda looks like me yeah Dudu does kinda look like you no he's black. If he got his legs. Is Doodoo black?

No, he's white. He's a white guy. You can see his hands. Oh, yeah. Yeah, ooh,

he's got a Twitter feed. Follow him at Doodoo underscore the clown. How many followers? Doodoo the clown is taken. The immediate

Doodoo the clown has more followers than me. There's going to be a problem. At Doodoo. How you do do that? How many followers, there's going to be a problem. And doodoo. How you doodoo that? How many followers, dude? Doodoo the Clown has 229 followers.

Let's bump these numbers, people. Let's get doodoo some action. Kissel, you're doing great on Twitter. Let's tweet at doodoo. All right, tweet at doodoo. What are we tweeting? At doodoo underscore the clown. Doodoo the Clown, the guy who saved the chicks.

You know the story. I know you were out of the room. I went to the bathroom, and there was this chick in there with three children. Oh, yeah. What happened? Gypsies, man. Why did the kids go to the bathroom? Fucking gypsies.

They're probably stealing a toilet paper. Yeah, no, they were taking showers. I'm going to bring a kid into the bathroom. You see a gypsy walks in the room, and you've got eight kids with them. You look under the table, they're fucking stealing your shoelaces. They steal candy. Everywhere they go, they steal candy. They find where the candy is, and they steal it.

All gypsies steal candy. They fucking steal anything else. They steal flowers. They steal grass. They don't give a shit. Especially candy. Fucking hell, we kicked the dirt. We might use the dirt later, son.

Good Lord. I've never heard of such a thing. I'm going to go quickly. Ed and Jackie on that anti-gypsy talk. Yeah, they steal candy. I don't heard of such a thing. I'm going to go quickly. Ed and Jackie on that anti-gypsy type. Yeah, very against gypsies. I don't think she was a gypsy. They're always trying to pull one over for me. That's the first thing a gypsy will do is pretend to not be a gypsy.

And they love jewels. Yeah, yeah. That's why they always wear suits and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, but you can smell them. I think they prefer to be called Dirty, Dirty Roma. That is, you're right. That is the appropriate term.

I've seen Gypsy Sisters, I know. A lot of them died during the Holocaust, so that's pretty chill. Gypsies are great people and they're always, they're having a good time. Disagree. Feel how much candy's in their pockets.

They're not just stealing candy. Is this Doo Doo the Clown? I think that I found him. Is that him, Marcus? That's Doo Doo the Clown. That's him, all right. I found him on Twitter. How many followers do you support now? Man Doodoo the Clown? I think that I found him. Is that him, Marcus? That's Doodoo the Clown. That's him. All right. I found him on Twitter.

Yeah, yeah. How many followers do you support now? Man dressed as Doodoo the Clown honored for saving two women from alleged attackers. We know the story. I'm just saying. It's on Twitter, too. I know it's on Twitter. Yes.

Doodoo the Clown is getting a lot of gigs out of this. He just tweeted, let's see here, very excited and honored to be invited to perform at the Canadian Special Olympics holiday party. This guy, okay. What an easy crowd. First of all, okay, Doodoo the Clown, his little caption thing is, new doodles Twitter, find us online.

He's not following anyone, and he's got 207 followers. I don't know, but he's not following anyone. No, you're looking at the wrong doo-doo the clown. Really? Doo-doo underscore the clown. Yeah, that's official doo-doo. There's another doo-doo. Well, this is the real doo-doo. This is the one that was marked for heroism in Canada.

Well, this guy is taking a lot of doo-doos fame because they're calling him a Canadian hero and he's not telling them that they're wrong. Oh, let's out the bad doo-doo. Execute him. Yeah, let's kill him at the stake. Kill the false doo-doo. This is some legit investigative journalism happening right now on

Roundtable. See, this ad-doo-doo imposter. Yeah, just plain doo-doo the clown. He has 207 followers, but he hasn't tweeted at all. It's actually, it's doo-doo underscore the, we got him. You cut a thief's hands off in most countries. Cut his hands off.

Yeah. He stole the fucking right. No, cut out his tongue. Cut off his gloves. At least his fingernails. Cut off their hands and their tongues so the gypsies can't steal the candy or taste it and enjoy it. That or glue his nose to his nose permanently. Wait, wait.

Like his nostril? Like his squeaky nose. Yeah, yeah. He's terrifying. And never take... Like his nostril shut? Like his squeaky nose. Yeah, yeah. He's terrifying. And never take off the clown suit. And molest him. Everyone will know

what you are. A clown. Oh, and Dudu the Clown, he's got pretty good representation. He's represented by Farco Entertainment. Yeah, I've seen that.

You can email him at Farco Farco at iDirect.com Yeah, there's... Who else does Farco have? Farco's... He's got a homer. There's a lot of Farco-ers. DidDirect.com yeah there's who else does Farco have

Farco's there's a lot of Farco roots did it have a hot tub in the back you ever be on one of those you ever be on

one of those a Hummer it's got a hot tub in the back Jackie you are garbage there is let's see here

Farco Entertainment represents Mysterion the Mind Reader Razzmatazz the Stilt Guys The Incredible Boris And

Craig Douglas He's a juggler Craig Douglas is a juggler The Incredible Boris is a hypnotist There's Christina the Crazy Hooper. Can we say the hit she works with doodoo? We're due to a lot doodoo and Christina are like kind of a pair of a duo sort of a John Lennon Yoko thing Huh? I'm gonna bed when we like anything in Canada. When would you want to be hypnotized and then see a clown?

You get hypnotized that you're going to like to see the clown. Yeah. Right, right. Good point. Has nobody talked about the issue that Doodoo the Clown doesn't seem to give a fuck about the environment, driving that Hummer around like a real piece of shit? Think about that. It looks cool, though.

It's good for branding. Yeah. Yeah, it is. And he's been performing for over 29 years. He's got almost 30 years of clowning experience. At some point, it gets sadder for the clown, though, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, well, keeping the smile on.

He's definitely faking it a little bit here. If you look at this picture of him, he's leaning on the painted-on smile pretty hard. He looks like the clown that Howie Mandel played in Uncle Buck when John Candy punched him in the nose. Holy shit, he's the clown from Billy Madison. He is? Yeah. The one that dies? Never mind, he's fine.

He's fine. Yeah. All words taken back. Really? Yeah. Why isn't that the first line of the article? He's got better credits than all of us now? He's in Billy Madison?

Yeah, why isn't that due to the clown, the dead clown from Billy Madison, saved women? Isn't that a clown? So that clown didn't really die in the movie? My life's been a lie. Yeah. Billy Madison wasn't a snuff film? And also, Doodoo was also voted number one entertainer in the world by his mom and dad. Before he killed them.

Number two by his fans. He's also got a catchphrase. His catchphrase. His catchphrase is just unbelievable. It's a good catchphrase. It's a word. It's way better than believable. Plausible. Plausible, likely.

Odds are in favor of this happening. Oh, come on, Doo-Doo. That's boring. Love Doo-Doo. The clown. Great guy. Yeah, I mean, I think Farco Entertainment's got a lot of good acts. I like that he got a credit and we're all on board now.

Yeah. It's all takes, man. He doesn't just have a credit. He has a very important credit. I can imagine exactly what it looks like when the blood trickles. It's a 20-year-old credit. It's a great credit. It's a great credit. It's a great movie.

Adam Sandler's a god. What the fuck? What? I'm saying it now. We don't have to say all gods are just or necessarily good. Some gods, they get older, just lose all their friends that helped them make good, funny stuff, and they get a little lost. They just keep hanging out with Rob Schneider forever.

They just got to wait for P.T. Anderson to put God in a movie. Yep, yep, yep. Why not? It's about time. I agree. So, Doo-Doo the Clown did something well. And thank God he got some recognition for it. And I've got more clown news.

All right. This clown news is out of Milwaukee. Oh. Well, reports of people dressed as clowns in the Waukesha area near Carroll University in recent weeks have left some uneasy. Earlier this month, police got a report. Does that mean hard? Huh? Does that mean hard?

Made them uneasy? That's the only way to use quotation marks. I don't know. Oh, baby, you're making me so uneasy right now. I think I could have a boner and be uneasy at the same time, yes. Or actually, I feel like if you have a boner, you're very, very easy. Yeah, pretty easy. You just get to sucking on it and jerking it off and sitting on it.

You're thinking of unbalanced. Because it fills with blood and it weighs down the front part of you. And that's why people's boners fall over so much. I haven't heard that. Good point, Reed. Reed understands. Every time I've fallen down, I've had a boner. He's a scientist.

And I've hurt it. I've hurt it so bad. He's always hurting it. Reed's always hurting his bone bone. Ow, ow, ow, ow. I made it go crack, crack. That's a bad way to go. I've heard that that hurts quite a bit to break your boner.

Yeah? When was the last time you broke your boner? I've broken a bone on fucking 20 women's fucking backs, dog. So you're just slapping them against their backs? Slapping it on their backs. One after the other. I'm breaking my bone all day long. The only way I can finish.

You can call me Big H Bo. The only way I can finish is if I crack it like a glow stick. By that I mean until it starts glowing in the dark. Like Eric's because it's a poison. Classic rave move. That's kind of fun. Do you show up in a black light? Oh, yeah, I think I do.

Yeah, your veins and things like that? Like a tween's bed sheets do I show up. I actually really want to experiment with that. If you turned off all the lights and had a black light and rubbed it up and down on you, it would show all your veins and things. Yeah, maybe. It's pretty cool to think about. Yeah.

Someone call Krasnow. He knows. Oh, yeah. Ron Krasnow. Another great comedian who had cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got through it. Yep.

And so will Eric. He got suspended from Roundtable for a year. We should have him back. It got through it. Yep, and so will Eric. He got suspended from Roundtable for a year. We should have him back. It's been like four years. Why did he get suspended? Who suspends people? What the fuck do you have to do

to get suspended? You let Jay put it and you were fucking weak. Why isn't he suspended? Why would you suspend me? I love Medvedev. Almost there. I think Ron got super drunk and got a little racist.

No, he didn't get racist. He just got really drunk and wouldn't stop talking. Yeah, so we suspended him for a year. Yeah, we suspended him. I bet he felt serious shame for that. Yeah, he did. I shamed him. Apparently he got cancer.

Yeah, we all shamed him quite hard. He had ass cancer too, right? Yeah, he had the butt. I could have fucked that butt at any time, cleared that shit right away. But you didn't. Why? I don't fuck anybody's butt getting rid of cancer. You're a bad, fake Jesus, J-Fod. You gotta start

using your wand for good. Yeah, confidence is the secret. I look at a very low confidence Messiah. I mean, I guess I could do it. I think the leper will be healed. I fucked up. I'll turn the water to water. You gotta believe in yourself.

We need to save the world here. I don't know. I'd prefer a Bible full of the time Jesus almost cured that leper. The time he made three fish. The time he provided food for him and his good buddies. Everybody else starved. Yeah. The time he came back to life for four hours.

It's still more than anyone's come back to life for. It's so much time, really. Yeah, four hours is pretty good. If you came back for four hours, what would you do, you guys? Terrify everybody. How did I die? I'd try to catch a dolphin scam. Oh, shit.

I would just start tweeting. I would catch my murderer. I'd find the president, tell him what I really thought about him. After the intercourse, I would leave the president's mansion, the White House, and then I'd go to, like, my friend Doug's house, and we'd smoke a

mad spliff. What would you tell the president, though? I would tell him, you're trying the best you can, and you know what? I respect that. And I'd kiss him. I'd teach a dog how to shake. I'd just be like, Dick Cheney's a war criminal. They're all war criminals.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, everybody's a murderer, and most have been molested. Most people or most world leaders? Animals. Most animals have been molested. Jackie, you came back to life. You got four hours before you go back to dead. What are you going to do?

I would try and eat one of those big stick candy canes. Yeah, you never do that. You never eat the whole thing. You can live until 130 and no one has ever... Has anybody finished a candy cane? No one eat the whole thing. I want to know, listeners of the show, have you ever actually finished a candy cane?

Has anybody on Earth finished a candy cane? I've never met anyone who has. A normal candy cane I've certainly finished. I've demolished it. I'm talking, you know the ones. The big candy canes. Yeah, the thick. Yeah, they're like this.

Yeah, oh, they're like that, yeah. In those four hours, would it be all licks, some chews, or what would... I feel like it would be a little bit of both. I feel like times I would stop and go, and then I would keep going. It would be mostly chewing. You could just mash it up and rail it. Do you warm yours up in boiling water and then cut into it with a fork and knife?

Of course I do. I want it to be as malleable as possible. And I want to say, kidney king, you look like taffy. Would you demand an audience for it, for the eating? No, I want to do it completely alone. Preferably in a soundproof room. Would you stick it in your puss puss? No, no, no, no, it's too sticky.

Would you stick it in your puss puss? No, no, no, no. It's too sticky. Would you stick it in your puss? I mean, yeah. I wrangle my cat down and if I could get her to just fucking listen to me for a second. I just want to make your downstairs smell like the upstairs. After I eat peppermint.

You're married, Reed. Isn't that nice? It is. And you just got another cat so maybe you shouldn't be talking about that. And you got a little lady on the side. You know what I'm talking about. She's very small. Her name is... Thumbelina.

I was going to say God, and she lives in my heart. Oh, my God. You're just like, what if God... No, what's the one that... Lives in my heart. No, the one where God is like, he says, she... God is a tiny, thimble-sized being living next to my heart. That's the song I was thinking of.

Who sings that one? That was Blind Melon, right? That was Blind Melon. I believe it's the- That was Blind Melon before the dude died. The Cockfuckers. The Cockfuckers? Oh, yeah, yeah.

The Cockfuckers. The side group. It was John Mellon's side group. John Mellon. Because it had John Cougar Mellon camp, and it also had Little Bradley Snickerboy. Lyrics were by Shel Silverstein. Shel Silverstein. And they were published originally in an issue of Hustler.

Yeah. Which was scandalous. It came with a tape. What was that song again? I was reading about someone didn't know what candy canes were. God is a tiny,imble sized being living next to my heart. Fart. Fart.

Hold on, Rita. I want to hear it. I'm talking about that fart in Delurian. Speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Speaking of songs, it's Ding Dong Song Parade. Everybody loves Christmas music, especially when a cat's singing it

But today a cat won't be singing it Unless you choose for a cat to be singing it As a part of the subject But it's really quite up to you You're gonna come up with your own Christmas song A new one One for the ages Right?

Now I'll start You can say the name Maybe sing a couple bars if you want Or you can just say what it's about Alright? So I'm gonna go with It's a Ching Chong Holly Dong Christmas. Okay, that's where you're going. It's all about how they do Christmas in Asia.

Right. The whole continent. Yes, everywhere in Asia, including Russia. Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, ra-ra-ra-ra. Yes, it's definitely, well, that's a bit racist. That's in a Christmas story. It's not racist if it's in a Christmas story. Oh, it is? Yeah, but I mean, by today's standards, it's racist, but today that's a bit racist. That's in a Christmas story. It's not racist if it's in a Christmas story. Oh, it is?

Yeah, but I mean, by today's standards, it's racist. But today's standards are way weird. And yeah, it's just about how they do it over there, which is pretty much just get drunk and fuck. So it's a pretty good time. It's pretty much like a hip hop song. It's like, fuck yeah. I'm Asian and Christmas is, word is fucking born. Bond.

It's word is, we went over this the other night. No, word is born. It's word is bond. Word is bond? Word is bond. We went over this at Christmas or Thanksgiving. We had a whole argument about it. You guys did this during Thanksgiving?

We went over this at Thanksgiving, went over this at Christmas. Sounds like somebody's got their facts mixed up. It sounds like you've been recreating things. I know it's word is born. No, word is bond. Yeah, word is bond. My word is my bond. Word is born. Yeah, but that's not what people say. No, people say word is born. I know it's word is born. No, word is bond. Yeah, word is bond. My word is my bond. Word is born.

Yeah, but that's not what people say. No, people say word is bond. My word is my bond. That's an actual sentence. Are you being serious, Ed? My word is bond. Word is born? Born.

I don't know what that means. Wait a second. I'm with Ed here. Word is born. Word is born, motherfucker. Yeah. Word is born. No, word is bond.

Word is bond. I'm like, oh, you're bonded by the word? Nah, nah, nah. Eric, word is born. No, word is bond. Word is bond. Like, oh, you're bonded by the word? Nah, nah, nah. Eric, word is born. I don't even know what you're talking about. What's the thing that black people say to each other in rap songs? Oh, I don't know if they talk. I don't know.

Run DMC says it. Run DMC had a song called Word is Born, but word is born. No, that's a song. The phrase is my word is bond. Word is born No that's a song The phrase is My word is bond Word is born Yep actually Word is born It's a local thing

It's a New York I'm telling you That's a local thing That's where I got it from Ah there you go It means I'm telling you the truth Yeah word is born They always say word is born

Word is born They always say word is born Right before they say Some word is born Right after they say Some word is born I'm gonna name my child word So I can be like

Word is born When it gets born It's gonna be awesome It's gonna be hip hop I'm gonna name my child words. I'd be like word is born when it gets Anyways since it's racist I'll go under a pseudonym Jonathan penis All right, is it John? All right, my song is called It's called One Spoon for Father And it's a song about Yo, read it, it's so fucking weird

It's a song about a little blind boy Whose father is very sick with the hiccups And his father is going to die Unless he can give his father his special medicine Wait a second, is this like Christmas shoes?, but it's spooned for my father? No, no, no, it's very different. Because everybody knows about Christmas Shoes for the dying mother, and he can't afford the shoes for his mother.

No, this is a very different song. Let me continue and explain how it's different. She has to wear the shoes to see me, Jesus. Jackie, you're interrupting my song. It's about the flow and the rhythm of the song. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. There's a build here, Jackie. I'm sorry.

So it's about a little blind boy and his father is sick on Christmas with hiccups. I've already established this. He goes to the store and he wants to buy the best spoon to give his father his Christmas medicine. But he can't find them and

he leaves and then a stranger comes up to him and says, hey little boy, did you want a spoon? And the boy says, Yes, I would like a spoon. And the stranger says, I'm not going to rape you, Jackie. He says that. Jackie raped the boy? Wait, am I the blind boy?

He buys a special spoon for the boy, and when the boy goes home, he feeds the father the medicine, but it doesn't really matter. The father's really far gone. It didn't matter if he had a spoon or not, and he dies. And the boy, he just survives on. Here's the first verse. Little boy, little boy, find a spoon for father.

If you don't, if you don't, you will go to fucking hell. And when you get there, the devil will go to fucking hell. And when you get there, the devil will say to you, you abandoned your son's duties. And when you get here

now, you'll never leave. Perfect song. Great song. Put some jingle bells. And it's called A Spoon for Father? One Spoon it's called A Spoon for Father? One Spoon for Father. One Spoon for Father.

Thank you. All right. I'm tagging in a fan or a person who's been listening. He wants to do a song. Does he want to or did you make him do it? Oh, this is Monty. Come on over here, Monty. Is it Monty?

Monty. Monty's a great comedian from D.C. I feel like he should still have to do it. I feel like he should have to do it. Is it Monty? Monty? Monty's a great comedian from D.C. I feel like he should still have to do it. I feel like he should have to do it. He already tagged me in. I'm so excited. You get your own spot.

I feel like you get your own spot in this. Are you going to tell me to shut up? I am Jewish. This is called Jewish Christmas. Christmas time is oh so sad. Mom and dad are very mad. All the kids, they get presents, but all the kids,

we stay inside in the dark. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I won the segment. Thank you, Monty. No, you didn't. Ben still has to go.

Ben, you still have to go. No, I gave it. No, Monty took my turn. He's a winner. You could be a winner, but that doesn't mean we'll come back to Ben. It's possible. Eric, you're up. I agree.

I thought that was wonderful. I can only think of one song that I used to sing, and it just mentions December. Long December, Counting Crows. One of the best songs of our time. No. If we make it mentions December. Long December, Counting Crows. One of the best songs of our time. If we make it through December. Merle Haggard. I'll make it through December. It's about a sad man in December

who doesn't have a home. The tale of Eric Bergstrom? It goes, let's see. I am a singing hobo and a dancing hobo and I like to smoke my crack. Wandering the alley for that special fix. It feels like a heart attack. So you better remember

that it's cold in December and I've got a special need. So give me your wallet and all your drugs and I'll stab you till you bleed. I can't go after that. He had a whole song. He had a whole song that. He had a whole song. He had a whole song. He did have a whole song.

He did have a whole song. That's a whole song. That was very good. This is hard. Can I tag out? I can't tag out. No, you could tag out. I tagged out.

I mean, someone can tag out. I mean, you're, you know. You can tag in for Ed, and you guys can take each other's. If you want to be a Ben, you can tag out. I mean, I definitely don't want to be a Ben. All right, so my song is called My Elves Are Crying. It's from the perspective of

Santa Claus and he's looking at all of his elves. I'm going to say it's written by a sad man. I'm going to say the man that you sang about in your song, Eric, is the man that wrote this song. Is it also the man who wrote Behind Blue Eyes? The sad man, the bad man.

No, no, no. He's not bad. He's just sad. I'm going to say, so it's, I'll hum a few bars if I can fake it. Okay. My elves are crying, they're crying. I'm asking them to make toys, but they're lying. I'm asking them why they're not making their trains.

It's because my elves are touching themselves. They put their goo in all the gears. They squirt their jizz on Dolly's faces. They're lying to themselves. My elves are touching themselves. Very good. Very good song. So now it's called My Elves Are Touching Themselves.

Yeah, I mean, I wanted to give the guise of, oh, what is it about? Yeah, it's like a spoiler if you call it elves. If you call it the elves are touching. That's what it would be in parentheses after the song. Yeah, right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay. My song is called Monkey, Monkey, Let's Paint That Banana Green and Red. Why green and red?

It's Christmas colors. Oh, I see. You didn't. No, I did. No wonder you had a Jew have your song be sung. I thought it was just a monkey's traffic light. By the way that they turn the bananas. No, they got that Asian yellow in traffic lights.

But monkey traffic lights don't because they're always rushing around. Oh, yeah, and stop or go with that. I thought you were talking about the flag of Senegal. Smart. Very smart, John. You said smart. Yeah, I'm glad you know what the flag of Senegal. Smart. Very smart, John. You said smart? I'm glad you know what the flag of Senegal looks like. What is the flag of Finland?

Also, I might be wrong about that Senegal flag. Eddie, sing us the entire song. The entire song? It's a short song. Monkeys have short attention spans. You just got to get the message through to them. I'd like to see that. We got to paint this banana because we got to make it festive.

Are you going to dance while you do it, though? Because monkeys always dance when they sing. Monkeys always dance when they sing. I will for the monkey, but not for you. Just because I won't be able to reach my microphone. Monkey, monkey, red and green? Yeah, that's actually the first couple words. Monkey, monkey, red and green.

Come and grab your ball. Na-na-ba, na-na-ba, na-na-na. Grab the paint Grab the paint Grab the paint Booga booga Booga booga And then they just do

See that makes it racist The booga booga Makes it racist The monkey say No they don't see that The monkey say Booga booga Just edit all of that out

No no It's booga booga Roger Rabbit Roger Rabbit With your bot hosk It's gonna throw you in the club Monkey monkey Red and green

Paint that Paint that banana No Booga booga Um Yeah with your bot hoskets get thrown in the club. Monkey, monkey, red and green. Paint that banana. No, Booga Booga. Yeah, it's racist. It's borderline. I don't want to say who won, but can we agree that lost?

Jay Fonz didn't go yet. Oh, no, it's not. There's a movie called Ooga Booga. Oh, okay, no. No, it's very racist. It looks a little... But there's a picture of Scrooge in the corner.

It's got a 3.6. Yeah. Out of what? 10. That's very racist. It looks a little... It's got a 3.6. On a what? 10. That's not good. It's not bad. It's worse than a golden. Bad's a 2. Whatever. You go home from grade school and you have a 37

on your test and you say, Mom, I did this. She says, that's your best, Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all saw how school worked out. Yeah. All right. All right, Marcus. Oh, Marcus did it.

J-Fod's got to go. I'm so sorry. Stacey Keech was in it? Stacey Keech was in Ooga Booga, yes. I love Stacey Keech. I love Stacey Keech as well. Who is Stacey Keech? I don't know who that is.

I'm sorry. J-Fod, do the thing. He's the cop from Up and Smoke. Stacey Keech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I got to do one of these? Of course.

Okay. Well, because I had time to think about it. I thought about the thing I'll do it about, but nothing beyond that. How about this? Fake casting couch porno Christmas edition. How about one of those? The song? Yeah, the song.

The song for that. It's a song about a fake casting couch Christmas edition pornography. Yes. Is it about? Okay. That's what it's about. Pornography. Oh, happy holidays, all of you low self-esteem over love girls.

Come join us on the couch. Pay no attention to my old white pubic hair penis. Pay no attention to my old white pubic hair penis. Let me make love to you, and I will get you into an episode of Sister Sister. I love Tia Turrell. It was like a hymn. It was like somebody singing in church. A lot of march, like a burial march. It was a good choir hymn.

Yes, it was a good choir hymn. As far as hymnals go, and I'm very, very well learned when it comes to hymnals. You're learned. Very learned. It's better than 137, but it's not as good as hymnal 42. What's that one? Marcus? Dry her eyes with your own thighs.

Dry her eyes with your own thighs? So she's like crying and then you... It's a hymnal for gymnasts It's a clan It's a thigh clan It's essentially a hymnal About getting a blowjob From a crying girl

Clamper tear duct shirt If you don't paint the banana How are you gonna know It's Christmas That's true You can put a bow In a stocking Ed It's like you didn't

Even think about this Yeah And I mean I liked all of them And and I'm going to put out a compilation. No monkey monkey. What? Boom. Everyone wins except Ed. That's great.

Thank you so much. I'm taking the victory. Ed, I want you to know that was- You're saying Ben's better than me? Word is born. Oh, no. Ben's not even in the competition. Bonnie's in the competition, but I brought him to the game.

No, but- Ed, I want you to know everybody winning but you, that's the meaning of Christmas. My abs are playing with themselves. Oh, my fucking God. All right. Peanut butter, peanut butter. You can't believe how crazy that would get on the Great Wall. Good God.

What is wrong with you, schmucks? All right. There's a real chaos vibe about this podcast right now. Monkeys love jingle bells. You put a bunch of bells on a monkey, so you know that's not how you spoke to a monkey about jingle bells. It scares the hell out of the monkey. I agree. Monkeys love to be scared.

Yeah, that's our whole thing. Doctors say you can't put bells on monkeys. Bring me those doctors now. Hi, my name is Dr. Flanagan, and I'm Dr. Smith. All right, we got to take the bells off the monkeys. We got to put the bells off the monkeys. I'll tell you what, have you ever seen a monkey try to build a snowman? It's a goddamn disaster.

Oh, man, they hate him. They hate him. Are we trying to bite off his eyes? Yeah, they always eat the carrot. Yeah. Rip the carrot out And rip the branches out Because they always go for the hands Alright Bergstrom so you got some shows

Coming up huh That's great And J-Fond you got a show on television Yeah just fucking I don't know Just watch it just watch Redacted Tonight or something Go to YouTube and watch it And how much just Redacted Tonight cost I believe it cost $345 for a one-week subscription.

Not bad. Holden, you really got to stop telling people this. What's good is that you can binge on it, like, if you have a week, you know, if you have an empty week and you want to watch only that and not catch up on Jessica Jones or, like, any of the more kind of popular shows that people are actually talking about. Jessica Jones, or what is it called? Jessica Jones or any of the more popular shows that people are actually talking about. Jessica Jones? Or what is it called?

Jessica Jones. Great. It's a return. Honestly, if anybody listening, if you've seen Jessica Jones, it's very much like Jessica Jones. And I'd recommend that you check it out. And I would say, too, for this Redacted Tonight show, it's not the kind of thing you can just jump into. You have to start from the beginning. Beginning of Russia. beginning of Russia.

Beginning of Russia. And Russian history is a bit of a snooze fest. It was pretty much just a block of ice for hundreds of years. That's the thing. I think you guys will dig it or whatever.

Catcher 4569, hit me up for your playstation network shout outs you stupids I'm sad that man helped you I feel bad for the man that helped you

because I feel like he was an angel and you're George Bailey and you should have died and you should have not been you take the toilet paper you wipe your butt you smell it

Jfod where can people find you on twitter oh it's at the it J Fod where can people find you on Twitter oh it's at the real J Fod man who was fucking impersonating you

you never know you never know I'm just optimistic Eddie that I'll get to a point where people are like I want to hit J Fod

and I don't know maybe someone took J Fod my Twitter of course is J Fod it's Reed Fahler R E I D F A Y L O R and I haven't tweeted for a whole month It's J Fod. It's Reid Fahler. R-E-I-D-F-A-Y-L-O-R.

And I haven't tweeted for a whole month. Wow. Good for you. Why do I do a Tumblr? Because I'm a drawn boy. Yeah, it's much better. So what's that? Reid Fahler.

Oh, okay. R-E-I-D-F-A-Y-L-O-R. Oh, man. Bergstrom? Mine's just Eric underscore Bergstrom. Isn't that fun? How do you spell Eric? E-R-I-K-O-R. Oh, man. Bergstrom? Mine's just Eric underscore Bergstrom. Isn't that fun? How do you spell Eric? E-R-I-K underscore.

That's the tricky part. Yeah. Eddie, is that Eddie Toons? Holden, you still don't have one. At JuliaJohn69, I should be starting up that Twitter next week, and that's spelled L-O-L, because we're getting lots of lols on there. Are you ready?

Fuck you. At Marcus Parks. Come to the Murder Fist. I bet Jack the Worm, but you don't have to. I was going to say that next. Come to the Murder Fist Christmas show, December 19th at the Pit, 9.30 p.m. All right.

Eddie, can I say one thing that I just thought of? What? We, for the taping of the show, anybody in the D.C. area can come to the taping. Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't matter. It It's a long drive though. If you're in the city, you got to go about a few hours parallel universe you got you keep going through the city you drive past the monument Trying to figure out how to unlock the right traps and tricks. And there's a mummy at the end of the road if you go the wrong way.

And that mummy just psycho murders you. Just fucking thinks about killing you and your head explodes. It's at the Jefferson Memorial because no one goes there. Yeah, everyone's dead. Highly underrated memorial, though. They hide stuff in the cape. There's gibbages in it. It's real neat. memorial, though. They hide stuff in the cape. There's gibbages in it. It's real neat. They kill animals.

They put them in the vents. They want you to kind of have a bad experience so that you'll react a certain way to the show. That's why it's by the river. That's what we do. And I will not disclose the email, just to make it a little more complicated. How do you get that? So what's the email, J-Pod? It's just redactedtix at gmail.com.

Is it spelled R-O-T-F-L? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And tix. Like the parasite. Like the parasite. It's Lyme disease. It can burrow under your skin. No, it's with an X, you guys.

It's just with an X. Why didn't they just say tickets? Because tix. It's fun times. Yeah. That is fun. In fact, I smiled when you said the word tix. Yeah, there you go. I had a cousin that had fun with a lot of tix, and he got the disease. That is fun. In fact, I smiled when you said the word tics.

Yeah, there you go. I had a cousin that had fun with a lot of tics and he got the disease. Lyme disease. Yeah, Lyme disease. He had fun with them? Yeah, funnel thumb. Funnel thumb?

And he also had gravy bladder. Is it covered in powdered sugar? And he had loose brain. And don't even get me started about his apoptosis eye boogers. Sounds like a real der-der-der man. I would totally fuck a retarded mermaid.

A mermaid, not a merman. Both. Imagine them just flapping. They're smiling. They're both out of their tails. I would fuck a merman because I have a very shallow vagina, and I can't have a big old penis in it. I mean, sometimes you need a shallow one or a little nub to just rub against my lady nub.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they're thumb wrestling. Oh, my God. That's cute. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everyone. Let's do it again. Do the show. Double show.

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