The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 27: Everything Goes to Hell

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Especially us. Join us this episode as we discuss the Arizona assassinations, the astronomically high abortion rates in NYC, what each of us will do when The Rapture comes (May 21st), and who we would be if we could be anyone in the world for a day and what meals we will enjoy while inhabiting that person’s body Malkovich style.

It was great. Alright. Oh my god. Alright, we're ready to go. Very real hangover today. Yeah, who the fuck is praying? You're praying. I thought so, yeah.

Come on. Get it. Send it to him. Make it good. No juice allowed. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dear God, bless this mess. This is the worst beginning ever.

I, you know, it's like I'm sorry and we're all sorry and we're bad and, like, you're so good at being God. And the round table fucking loves you, man. And she's like, let's smoke some fucking weed. And, you know, hell yeah, righteous, amen. Go on a date with me. Can we date, God? You can get that burrito in here for you to eat. I need some food, man.

I'm not ready to do this show. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. This is the fucking round table of gentlemen. Who are you wenches, and why am I stuck here? Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Devin Barnett.

And then in the chuckle hug. Wow. It's the biggest. It's the biggest in here. It's a fucking... Maybe more people. It's a real hodgepodge of folks. We're fully surrounded.

We got the very talented Ryan Fyke, the very untalented Nick Turner. Do I get to say something? No. The unbelievably luscious and buxom Jeremy Levenbach. Of course, Danny Solomon and Jason Coulter. And rounding out the Jew trifecta, Alana Glazer. I'm Ben Kissel. And with us as always, Marcus Parks.

Newsman, what do you got for us, buddy? Assassination. Love it. Oh, yeah. Oh, this happened just yesterday. A man, his name is Jared Lee Loeffner. 22 years old. We know his middle

name, so he must have killed someone good. Always Lee, also. Always Lee, also. Don't give your kid the middle name Lee. It's quite the percentages. He killed six people, shot 17 at a supermarket in Arizona,

including three people who were in their 70s, 76, 76, 79, a nine-year-old girl, and but smaller. And Democratic Representative Gabrielle Giffords. She got it in the head, huh? But smaller. And Democratic Representative

Gabrielle Giffords. She got it in the head, huh? She got it right in the head. She's the most difficult to shoot. Wait, how old was this kid? 22. Yeah, no, he went crazy. Did he shoot himself?

No, they got him in custody. One of the other guys they killed was a judge, too. They got him in custody. They still got him. Yeah, one of the other guys they killed was a judge, too. I mean, this wasn't, you know, obviously. Yeah, a federal judge. This isn't, yeah, this is premeditated as fuck, obviously. I checked out his YouTube channel, and he was teaching me all about how if you can conscience dreaming. Yeah, conscience dreaming.

If you can, yeah, conscience dreaming, you can be a treasurer of your own new currency. Yeah. So that was an interesting thing. And I think I'm one of the dreamers. And I'm starting on my new currency today. Oh, man, yeah, let's make our own money. Then we'll be rich. As long as it doesn't have your fucking face on it.

Oh, it's got my dick on it. It looks the same as your face. How many lumps do you have? I have ten lumps. That's holding cash His YouTube username ClassItUp10 I like it ClassItUp10

ClassItUp10 This guy is unbelievable And now the woman that he shot, right? She's in critical condition Is that what it is? So Gabriel Giffords was shot in the head. Interesting fact that I did not know. Only 5% of people who are shot in the head

survive. I can't believe it's 5%. Yeah, exactly. I would have thought it would be a lot less. I thought you get shot in the head, that's a wrap. That's why it's interesting. 5%. And 3% survive without any significant brain damage. What part of the brain do you have to get shot in for nothing to happen?

Well, no, it's like the bottom face. You get shot in the bottom face, that's still the head. Is that where this bitch got shot? If you get shot in the sides, like the deeper it is to the central cortex, the more damage it does. You know way too much about this. I did research. He's a newsman. The same rule applies when drilling into people's

heads that are locked up in your basement. I don't have a basement. Not anymore. I used to have one for a good year. Had a good time. No brain, no pain, man. Pet cemetery 2-0. Yeah, pet Cemetery 2.

So this chick, she was sideswiped with the bullet? Yep. Enough to, you know, like... And there was an intern who was standing next to her who stopped the bleeding while... Oh, fat, fat young man. Fat young man. Very overweight.

That's great. Overweight. He never moves, you know, since the hot dog place. How fat we talking? Real fat. Fatter than you. Fatter than you. I don't have to sit here and take this.

But I beg to be here. I will. Nick Turner is very fat. One of these days, that's... Jackie Onassis moment, though, right? Did he try to grab her brains and stuff it back into her head and stuff like that? Yeah. That's great.

He put a cloth on her head to try to stop the bleeding. And you know what? He probably saved her life. I'll tell you what. This is going to help his own political career. That's a good move for him. It's all him. He wanted to look like a hero. How much do you think that cloth goes for on eBay? Oh!

I would imagine $12. $12. If it has the picture of Jesus in her blood, $5,000. So that picture of Jesus in her blood is going to be very important towards the cost of the fucking towel. There was also a precursor to this. He met Giffords, the Arizona congresswoman.

Oh, very attractive young woman, by the way. Oh, very attractive. Now, you say it's Gabriel. Not anymore. Gabriel. Gabriel Giffords. Yeah, they were calling her Gabby earlier. She's married to an astronaut.

Yeah. This is from the friend that was in the band with him. He met Giffords in 07. He asked her a question and then told the friend that she was stupid and unintelligent.

Well, that's the same fucking thing. Yeah, it is. This guy's a moron. He's obsessed with grammar and is horrible at it. And has terrible grammar. Like, awful run-on sentences. Didn't someone pull a gun on Giffords like two years ago, too? I don't think so. I heard something like that.

At one of her speeches, someone dropped a gun out of their pants or something. It was Palin, but she was just showing it to her. She's making a speech, Palin's in the back just holding up a gun, staring at her. Sign my gun! Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert's also had a gun. She owns a gun. Did she have it on her? No, no, no.

She didn't bring it to the grocery store because it's absurd. That's what you do in Arizona. Everyone's always carrying guns over there. Also, something else about this woman, the first Jewish representative elected in Arizona. Wow.

When did she get elected? 2006? 07, I believe, 06, 07. I don't know for sure. That was quick. Quick turnaround on the old Jew loving for the Arizonans. Until 2006. Do you have any anti-Semitic motives?

No, no, no. He was mostly anti-government. I think he was just kind of... He was incredibly Semitic. We can say one nice thing about him. The guy loved the Jews. He really did. I think he wanted to make it a sort of...

She was the representative for District 8, and District 8 has the most people who are illiterate. And that just sent him over the top. Also, coincidentally, right around the corner from Tombstone. The movie. No, the city. Tombstone?

About the movie. The pizza? Yeah, I thought you were saying the pizza factory. Pizza everywhere. Oh, I would love that. It's a wild town. New York City? Yeah, dude. Ooh, I got something for New York City.

Spider-Man. No, not Spider-Man. I live in New York City, so watch it. Here's what I got from New York City. In New York City, out of all the pregnancies in this town, 41% were aborted. Thank God.

Thank Christ. Can you imagine that 41% here alive? How many babies were born last year, then? Does it say that? It doesn't say that. 17. That is a lot of fucking... That is so many... Wow!

Invested in abortion clinic in fucking New York! Can you invest in it? I'm sure you can, man. Are there a sheer enough amount... Is there a bigger amount of protesters to be spread out over that many abortions? Can they possibly protest that many?

Absolutely not. The numbers don't lie. The more we kill, the harder it is for them. Absolutely. Every time you have an abortion, that is a potential abortion, a person against abortion. That's what I'm going to do, man. I'm going to buy an abortion clinic,

make all that abortion money, blow up, have that money, which will attract more whores, have sex with them so they can have more abortions. My money will make more money. It'll be beautiful. That's great. You're like, yeah. He's got to have an abortion. You're going to get AIDS.

Kevin, you're going to get AIDS. Absolutely. Kevin, can you make the clinic Dragon Ball Z themed? What the fuck are you talking about, man? That'd be great, man. I'd fucking love that. That makes no goddamn sense. I got a These Hoes Today

story. What the fuck? For you guys, a woman in Chicago, her boyfriend was trying to break up with her, so she called 911 and told the dispatcher that she

was being attacked by her boyfriend. And whenever the cops showed up, she tried to force the cops to make her marry. Hold on. You always say something to tell your friends. She was telling the cop to force her boyfriend to marry her? Yeah. Or trying to marry the cop? No, no, no.

Trying to get the cop to force the boyfriend to marry her. I don't think that would work. It doesn't make any sense. He's got to get out of there. Yeah, he's got to get the cop to force the boyfriend to marry her. I don't think that would work. Does it make any sense? He's got to get out of there. Yeah, he's got to get out of there. Honestly. He should probably leave her. I mean, you know, I say go to counseling, give it a shot for another couple weeks, and

probably go. You definitely want to be sure. Oh, yeah. What did the cops say? Did they charge her? Did they charge her laughing hysterically? They charged her with disorderly conduct. Oh my god. Yeah, that's what makes

this whole thing so important. Her name is Anna Perez, 40 years old. Oh! That's the problem. She got old. How old is her boyfriend? Doesn't say. 15. Seven years old.

Jesus Christ. I'm an awesome champion. And now, Mel Gibson. Back in the news. Yeah! How's my boy doing? Oh, your boy's doing bad. What do you mean he's doing bad? He's fine. He's Mel Gibson.

He's got that puppet movie coming out. It's going to be great. Well, his ex-wife, Oksana Grigorieva. Horrible name. Worst name. Mel, that's a good name. That's a good, strong, normal name. Mel Gibson. She can't be named Mel Gibson.

Actually, she could be named Mel Gibson. She's coming out and saying that the only way that he could get hard in the bedroom is by beating her. Yes. Of course. What? This is bad press? I think that's just a normal fetish.

Yeah. I mean, there's instances of that in regular culture. Yeah, I mean, did she want to answer math questions or something to make him come like Wasn't actually cutting her right just hitting her I like to be beaten Hit this woman she would be dead. She's like a hundred and four pounds I don't think she enjoyed it very much. Enough to get wet. I don't like

this bitch. She's just saying shit now. She's bringing up every fucking dark, dirty secret. She obviously encourages shit. She didn't say anything before. She's like all of my ex-girlfriends. She was asking for it. No, she wasn't asking for it. That's the wrong sentence to say.

I've been told that many times. The right way to say it, she was questioning about it. Yeah, no, she stayed with Mel Gibson for so many years and whatever. She's a crazy bitch. She's insane. She's horrible. You can tell she's just as evil. She just twists this insane man to get her own fame and money so she can get her fucking book deal or whatever.

And it's like, I hate it. I love Mel Gibson still. I think everything he did, he said in a fit of drunken rage. Yeah, he was never sober. That's very true. He's got, you know, he's showing like early signs of Alzheimer's. The man's probably sick. He's very ill.

That's right. I mean, Are we saying negative things about Michael J. Fox? I don't think so. How did that one guy who shot that congresswoman get a gun? Because he has a criminal record, right? He has mental problems and a criminal record. I have not seen where exactly

he got the gun. He purchased a gun legally at a gun shop. Did that come out? Anyone here ever own a gun? Any gun owners in here? You did. I did. I was just curious if there was anyone I could talk to.

No. I haven't yet. My dad did pull a gun on me once, though, accidentally. It was an accident. You guys, you know. What kind of accident? Yeah. How does that become a...

Well, I was sneaking into the house, and he thought I was a robber so he just literally came out of his Door with like he was like naked with a fucking huge gun Sorry, I forgot I was supposed to Father is not retarded. Explain, Henry. That was not nice. I'm not your brother. You thought, no. That's my father's name, too, you fucking son of a bitch.

She said the two most terrifying things of a girl's life, a gun being aimed at you and your father's balls. Just like right there. He's shaped just like Henry, too. We were talking about the shape of Henry before. Oh, so you couldn't really see his balls. No, you couldn't see anything.

Dr. Robotnik. That's the Dr. Robotnik body. Yeah, he just floats above her with the click of double thumbs. Every time I see Henry, I hear that music. Every time I see Henry, I hear that music. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, man. So, okay, so we all know about the mass deaths of animals. Yes.

Lately. 2012, 2012. We've had a ton of animals dying lately. Christian group is saying Judgment Day, May 21st. May 21st? May 21st. Not anymore. That's Judgment Day.

That's the end of the world. Why? Why did the Almighty God choose May 21st? It's the same bullshit. We're like, oh, we added up a bunch of shit in the Bible. See, that's the thing, man. The whole point of what they're saying by that is like no one's supposed to know when it's going to happen. So if it's supposed to be happening

in the first place, them saying May 21st, it's not going to happen May 21st if that's really supposed to happen. Well, maybe it's really supposed to happen on the 24th. That's what I'm thinking. They're just like, oh, fuck, man. Oh, shit. 24th. Done. Is there anything we can do?

Oh, God. Anyone in this room? Fuck no. Is there a place we can give money to these Christian groups? Would that help them? What's their donation website? How could this doomsday happen? I mean, funds are just going to take over. It's going to be fine.

Big bucks. Okay, let me ask you. Let's go around the room. Holden, what would you do on Judgment Day? What would I do on Judgment Day? Say, you know, May 21st, Jesus actually comes down. The Antichrist comes and, you know, everything ends. What would you do? Are there girls around?

Sure. Okay. Plenty of sinners around. Okay. And they're desperate, right? Because it's apocalypse. Well, you know, horny? Sure. Okay. Plenty of sinners around. Okay. And they're desperate, right? Because it's an apocalypse? Well, you know, horny? Yeah.

Okay. I'd have the girls for a bit. I'd get sex with them. Get sex. Get sex. Until I was done getting that for the day. Yeah. And then, I don't know, get some ham.

You know, hang out with Ben on the couch. Watch some football games if I could chill. Kevin, what are you going to do on Judgment Day? I would make myself the perfect being. Things I've dreamed of for a long time. This includes metal legs, feathers for hands, not wings, just feathers. My whole face would become a beak, right? And attached to my metal legs would be horses that I ride around the city.

That's my plan, man. Multiple horses. Yeah, yeah. Not just two horses, man. Legs. Think about it. All right. Danny, Judgment Day.

What are you doing? See, I don't want to say anything because I feel like whatever you want to happen, it's not going to be good enough somehow. It's like New Year's Eve. It's never good when you prepare it. I feel like if I wanted to find some girls to have sex with, they'd find some other dude and both of them would have sex with him and they'd have some kind of agreement.

And I stayed at that place too long. I'm like, oh, I was going to go to that other party. And then I fucking blow it. Somehow I figured it out. Ben, Judgment Day. What are you doing? And then he's there.

I don't know, man. Judgment Day is very are you doing? And then he's there. I don't know, man. Judgment Day is very, very tough. I guess everyone dies, right? So I'll just... No, no, no. We don't die. What happens on Judgment Day is all of the Christians, the rapture, they all go up to heaven. All the rest of us are left down here on earth.

And what they're saying is that we're going to be here from May 21st until October. October is the end of days. So we have to suffer all of the... Oh, so you're supposed to suffer with all the Christians. I'm just going to be right down.

All the coolest people hanging out. We're going to get rid of all the fucking squares and we're going to party for like five months. It's going to be fucking crazy. It's going to be amazing. We're going to create summers that best serve our lives! Ben, what are you doing? With the Christians gone,

there's definitely going to be a void in religion so I guess I'll start my own and try to get a large following. Make some money. Casalithism. It'll be a huge fucking trend. Casalithism? And that's what I'm going to do.

It'll be like that dude from Where There Will Be Blood. Oh, okay. Get a nice little community of some large, large breasted women and just start a cult Very nice, very nice Okay, Turner, what are you doing? Oh, when the Christians are gone?

Christians are gone I got it, that's it, right? Yeah, Christians are gone It's Judgment Day Jesus has come down The world is ending What are you doing? Oh, um...

Eating a burrito No, I'm doing my pussy drum I take a look What? What is that? Pussy drum? Hold on Eating a burrito. No, I'm doing my pussy drum. I take a woman. What? What is that? Pussy drum? Hold on.

You fucking sick murderer? Take a woman. Hold on. Take a woman, right? You ever eat the pussy so good, right? What is this, Turner? How good do you eat that pussy, Nick? You bend the legs so far apart that you break off the legs.

That's pretty much the only way your fat head could fit in between your pair of thighs. Alright, so you're bending the legs and you break it apart. What is wrong with you? No, no, no, no, no. I want you to tell your story. It wasn't as good, Nick. Come on.

You got this. You bend them off. It doesn't as good, Nick. Come on. You got this. Hell yeah. You bend them off. It doesn't matter right now. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? You tiny dick prick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fight, fight. Get out of my house. Come on up. What do you got, fight? I don't know. Quit smoking. Oh, okay. I probably have some laundry to do.

All right. Just decide, you know, and I probably won't eat any fried foods on judgment day try to get some pushups in in the night you're already dead but no you gotta do it at some point

in your life and then I'd probably watch I don't know I'd probably watch I don't know. I'd probably watch M.A.S.H., the whole series of M.A.S.H. Because I haven't seen it and I heard it was good. Jackie, what are you going to do? You know that set of books

that's all about the end of days where Christians get sucked up into the sky? No, not Lord of the Rings. You know what I'm talking about? Apparently when they get sucked up into the sky. No, not Lord of the Rings. You know what I'm talking about? The big one? Apparently when they get sucked up into the sky, their clothes are left neatly folded next to where they were sucked up into the sky.

I would probably go around and take the clothes of all the people and I would probably find their families that were still there and I would terrify them. Pretend to be the person that got sucked up into the sky because the sky doesn't exist.

Yeah, you didn't get much sleep. It doesn't exist. And then I would probably eat every kind of meat I could. Oh, okay. If you just walked up to someone's family just wearing their clothes, they'd be like, oh, it's you. Yeah, I'd terrorize them like it's a ghost.

I would go, boo. Coulter, did you say what you were going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing? Okay, well, you all surprised me. Listen. Okay. Whoa, hey now.

Listen to me very carefully. I will not go out without a fight. I will go to Arizona. I will get every possible piece of ammunition I can. And I'm going to go underground. And I will be to Arizona. I will get every possible piece of ammunition I can. And I'm going to go underground. And I will be ready for anything. I'm talking the road.

I'm talking about no humanity left. Everyone is an enemy. And I will survive. Fuck the rapture. Fuck the end of days. I'm making it through this thing. No, what I'm going to do is I'm going to find, since all the Christians are going, I'm going to go find a church and start a militia.

Yeah. How interesting. You can protect my cult. Yeah, exactly. That's fine. I want to get in the church because that's a good place, a good base. Because you've got the church and then then you got where all the nuns live and where all the priests live and I'm going to start

this militia and I'm going to be king of the world that's amazing because the demons can't get in there because of the holy war there's no rules anymore

yeah so the first thing is you got to find the best Christian who went to heaven who had the most guns you got to raid his house and then you got to find some skinheads

always always need a good find some skinheads always always need a good couple of skinheads so we got a segment from Holden McNeil how do we do a segment now we just did a thing where we all talked about something one at a time we did do a thing but I still wanna hear

okay alright you have to say it in five okay then keep it short I still want to hear. Okay, all right. You have to say it in five. Okay, then. Say it. Keep it short. Okay, it's just if, well, no, I had the apocalypse thing. If you were to fuck a president, but we're not going to do that one. We're not going to do that one.

Okay, who would you be if you could be anybody for a day, and what would you do? But that's like a lot of stuff, so I just say say, say who and name one food you would eat. A McTurner burrito. You mean people in this room? No, I mean anyone in the world. Anyone in the world. Or you could also choose to do someone in the room. Either one.

It could be anyone. It could be anybody. I'm going to be the president of France and I'm going to eat the president of France and I'm going to eat the president of France's pussy. President of France's wife's pussy. She's super hot. I would be Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.

Awesome, yes. What I would do is teleport, punch all over the place and just piss people off and hurt them slightly. And then survive off another coconut because that would just make no sense.

Alright, Danny. I would probably be sub-zero. Just so I can freeze Kevin. I see where you're at, man. I see you squatting up with. Turner, who you got, man? I would be Andre Agassi and I would eat a tennis ball.

That's a good one. I would be Milo Kunis' toilet, but don't judge me for that. I love that. That's just me being completely honest. That's the dirtiest thing you've ever said. It is. It is. I was waiting for an excuse to say it.

What were you going to eat? Eat? Shit. Do you want the rest of this story? That's part of the segment. All right. Yeah, it is. I would eat a chicken parmesan sandwich.

Jackie, who do you want to be and what are you going to eat? I don't know, man. My initial thought was a Kodiak bear. Can I choose that? Absolutely. I want to be able to kill a fish with my paw and not have to use a pole.

This looks amazing. Wait, I want to change mine. I'm going to go Arthur Ashe tennis rackets. Parks, what do you want to do, buddy? I would like to be Weird Al Yankovic. Just because, you know,

he looks like he has a really good time. He looks like a happy guy, even though his parents are dead. That's fine. You know, he's got some life experience. I'd like to be Weird Al Yankovic, and I would really like to eat a really good chicken salad sandwich. Ooh. Really good one.

You might want to tie back your hair. You might get it in your hair. You just be careful. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Well, there's a lot that goes on with being weird out oh yeah your parents are dead yeah me oh fuck who am I gonna be I think I'd want to be Garfield Roger eat some lasagna. Roger Federer,

center court. Alright, I think this is the round table. Oh, yeah. We still got Coulter and you. Oh, no, I'm Nick Turner eating a burrito. George Washington and the thank you. George, and the, thank you. George Washington and the highest percentage of dark chocolate chocolate candy bar I could find.

Like a 99.9% cocoa nibs semi-sweet chocolate bar. And I'd have tons of guns. He's got wooden teeth. All right, this has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. That's the fucking thing. Oink, oink. Now time it out. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson,

Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks, thank you to Jason Coulter, Ryan Fike, Nick Turner, Alana Glazer, and the very beautiful Jeremy Levenbach. Did I say you, Danny Solomon? You didn't say Danny Solomon. Perfect.

Perfect. Gentlemen, I've been kissing didn't say Danny Solomon. Perfect. Well, gentlemen, I'm Ben Kissel. Have a good commute.