The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 270: Real Money in the Butt

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

Today on Round Table: an Alaskan woman breaks the record for amount of fake currency stored in a vagina by weight, squirrels are rapidly gaining weight in Canada due to the mild winter, and a New Mexican man is arrested for burgling his mother's stew. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski and Amber Nelson!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh, that's me too! My heart grew three sizes smaller that day. Why? gentlemen. Always civility. My heart grew three sizes smaller that day. He's going to be mean about her dead fucking

dad. My dad died years ago and it's going to happen to us all and God bless America. My dad's never going to die. He's a police officer. That's the prayer? That's the prayer, yes. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. What an exciting time it's going to be.

Jackie Zebrowski is here. Feed the world. Man, they don't fucking know it's Christmas. They don't got TVs. The only way you know it's Christmas, you watch Charlie Brown Christmas. Everybody knows that. That's right. And a Christmas story.

Yeah, on Christmas Eve. Only on Christmas Eve. Only on Christmas Eve. I did just watch a whole history channel about the 60s and Christmas, and apparently it's gone to shit since then. Really? The history channel covered Christmas, huh? Yeah, through the decades. They started with the 60s and only saw the 60s.

But apparently they were very sad after JFK got shot. No more Christmases after JFK got shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No more aluminum trees. But they still sell them at the dollar store by my house. But you also definitely couldn't give strawberry jam as a gift anymore because it just reminded you of Jackie Kennedy's dress. That's right. The brain fragments and things like that.

Ed Larson, he's not in South Africa any longer. Wait a second. I did decide to tell you. Oh, he is here. How is the zoo? in South Africa any longer. Actually, wait a second. I did decide to tell you. Oh, he is here. He is. How was the zoo? I gotta tell you, when I went down to Africa,

I was like, where's all the food at? Right? Because everybody's just walking around rubbing their tummies like they're hungry, right? I think it's on top of the pots

on top of the naked women's heads. Yeah, it is. Because that's what I was grabbing at. Did you enjoy the safari? No, it was too loud. It was loud. The car was too small because my butt's too big.

Yeah. I couldn't get into the houses there because they're too big. I'm just too big. Apparently he wouldn't fit in any of the thatched huts, so he couldn't really get a good night's sleep. No, because the problem is he goes in there and he busts out of it like he's a Kool-Aid man. No, it's me, Henry Zebrowski, replacing Ed Larson. No, because the problem is he goes in there and he busts out of it like he's the Kool-Aid man. No, it's me, Henry Zabrowski,

replacing Ed Larson. Oh, my God. My brother's here. Amber Nelson, you're with us. Hi, hello. That's great. Haltnators, ho! What's that noise?

Oh, it's PlayStation Network shout-outs. Ricky Poop333 is responding to Mickey Mouse with a fives comment from the last episode. I think we're starting a little bit of a feud here. He says, Mickey Mouse with a five can't fire shit, so suck my dick and die. Because remember, Mickey Mouse, I guess, is his boss. So he's going to fire him. We have a correction here.

Poncho333 called Ben a giant cock guzzler, not himself. He's calling you a giant cock guzzler. I'm not really sure why. Would you like to respond to these allegations of being a giant cock guzzler? I mean, I loved it. You know, it's a politician thing. If you accuse somebody of being a giant cock guzzler, they have to say the words,

I am not a giant cock guzzler. Make them defend, defend, defend. Akuma423 and GreedyPete6900 helped me out. We played on a team together in Rocket League, and we won one game out of 11, but, man, we had a real good time. We got on the microphone. Akuma423 is the youngest nader at 15. If you're younger than him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

You're in your adult department, sad and 35 years old. He was from Chicago, and the other guy was from, I think, Kentucky. Is that legal? No. Okay. No, I sold him drugs, and I mentally touched him. It's fine. A man is allowed to talk to a boy.

I don't know. Yes, a man can talk to a boy. I don't know. Yes, a man can talk to a boy. Oh, this is what it was. Tony Bullitt had a correction to make. That Chingy song is called Balla Baby, not Powerballin'. That's what it was. Also, Mega Booster says he

tongue-punched Henry's fart box. So, shouts out to Mega Booster. Hey, man. Thanks. That's been your PlayStation Network shout out! That segment has been PlayStation Network shout out. Very good. That was tiring. God damn, I can't believe I fucked that up.

Henry, have you ever had a tongue in your asshole before? No, absolutely not. Alright, Kevin, you're here too. Yeah, I'm here, man. What do you think about, Holden, you play video games. You ever talk to these teenagers? Wait, was that to Holden? No, that's to you, Kevin. Because Holden, I mean, you guys you also play the games. Yeah, I play the games.

But you don't talk to children. I don't talk to the children. No. You fucking tear the children's fucking asses up because their brains ain't developed as much as yours. So you're fucking smarter and you're faster but you don't talk to them, man. Right, right, right. See, I think that's interesting because I thought that the kids would be a lot more focused than you would

be because you're too busy thinking about your career and all your other bullshit. That's probably true. My life is a shambles. I mean, you have a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt on, so it's got to say something. No, this child was very troubled. I spoke with him for minutes, and I definitely got the deep sensation that I I mean if you're a

Nader that is like two Steps under a juggalo in my opinion I appreciate all of you Thank you for joining my fucking crew And there's also like a hazy middle ground Where it's like you can tell a kid that he Doesn't have pube hair so he's not stronger Than you but you can't ask a kid

Hey count your pube hairs Tell me how many pube hairs do you have? Yeah, that's illegal. You got pube hairs at 15, right? I've had body hair since I was like 10. Oh, really? I had full back hair, yeah. I had back hair before I had pubes and then I had ass hair before I

had chest hair. So literally, it was like the hair came from the back of my head, grew down my back, around my asshole, under my taint to of my head, grew down my back, around my asshole. Like a disease. Under my taint to my balls last. And then my chest got hairy. Heroes Reborn, Thursdays, 8 p.m. 8 p.m., you could see all that.

And this next one, I'm going to guarantee my dick's out. Wow. There's still coming out with new episodes. We got three more episodes left in the old tank, buddy. Really? Nobody knows. No, no. Really? Oh, yeah. Nobody knows. No, no, no, no, no.

That's what everybody wants for Christmas is another canceled television show. It's just more that the computer program, the graphics effects people need to just pick up a new system, a PlayStation 4, something like that, and find out what computer today's video game graphics were made. All right, and that's just how it was. You just got to use your own god animation. You look like a fucking lawnmower man. People who got shit to say about the CGI animation in Heroes Reborn can write a firm letter to NBC, but also go fuck yourself. Whoa.

Is it Christmas time at all? No. Do they know it's Christmas? Do they know it's Christmas? Do they know it's Christmas? Kevin, how's your show going? Oh, it's good, man. You know, we're just writing the shit. Getting a bunch of money, which is dope. That's great. Did you write Holden in?

Did you give Holden the character? Did you give me a mailman part? Remember that when you were doing Friends of the People and Holden kept on being like, can I be in it? And then you're like, no. I could be a goofy mailman and always show up and be like, hey, got your mail. What can I do to help convince you to cast Holden? Can I tell you I'll give you $5? That's a lot of money.

I don't know. We're just writing it. We're probably not going to shoot the shit. You know? No one's ever going to shoot it. I'll be a janitor or something, you know? Hire Holden. Hey, got your

mops? Look what he's doing. That's what America wants. That's what America craves. Kind of a one tone. Got your mail. Got your mail. Got your mops. Show him the banker voice you do too. When you can play a banker.

Hey, I have a check I'd like you to cash, banker. I've touched the girl. Put him on your show. I feel like I'm at Bank of America right now. I touched her when she said it wasn't me. Henry, put the TD Bank pens down for Chris. I'm sorry.

That's great. That is a banker or a mailman. No stealing the pens. What a lollipop! Play the kooky black nerd. Oh boy! Oh my dick's so big! You see Kevin?

Put him on the show. It would be great to just cast Holden as the kooky black nerd and have him in blackface the whole season. Kevin you're ruining my career! Do you guys listen to hip hop? I listen to jazz.

The sky is the limit. That's great. Everyone's doing wonderful. I'm Ben Kissel and then we got Marcus Parks. Marcus, you have a news story? It's not your imagination. Toronto's squirrels really are fatter this year. You were just in Toronto.

Is there a correlation? Were you eating with the squirrels? No, no. I just thought it was the boys. Okay. Is it all that poutine they're throwing out? Is it the nuts? Well, this fall's lingering mild weather has given the city's ubiquitous tweed-dwelling

rodents more time to gorge on nuts and seeds. Ubiquitous? The result, some seriously chubby bellies. Hey, Henry? Stop touching me. God, I'd love to see one of those fat little fucking squirrels and squeeze its little belly fat and just pop it up on my knee and just stroke it and stroke it and stroke it until it fell asleep. Sure, you could do that with it.

I love a fat squirrel, though. Yeah? They're the cutest of all the marmots. Well, they're the same as rats, but they're the same thing, but they just have a fluffy tail and wider eyes, so you trust them more. And they can get up the tree, and I feel like being very fat directly affects your ability to get up a tree, which is a squirrel mainstay. They said that this will make them a little slower and less agile.

Yeah, good. mainstay. They said that this will make them a little slower and less agile. But city squirrels live for much longer and have no need to be more agile. Lack of natural predators. And street smarts. They know how to get money, make money. Squirrels took our jobs. Do you think if we

could get a squirrel up to like 35 pounds, I'd try to max out the size of the squirrel, right? And then shave it and then gave it to a child molester. It'll just start blowing the squirrel instead of blowing some kid. I don't know. It is a different species. But if you kind of shave it around and put a little hat on it, like a spinny hat, like a thing on it and little shoes on it, maybe you could. I mean, a molester at any point is hard.

Also, right now, your policy would be fat squirrels for child molesters. Or dogs. Also, what you don't know is actually if you – we don't normally see this because we don't normally see an aroused squirrel, but when they do become aroused and their penises pop out, they look just like little boy penises. Like a little boy's hard penis. That's perfect.

What if we took a midget – I mean a little person. A little person. What if we took a little person and dressed them up like a child and like overalls and stuff and had them start fucking the molesters. But they're too different. It's been tried.

Their faces. Their eyes are too forlorn. Do they want to be called little person and not midget now? Oh no. Midget's like the N word for them. What?

Little person sounds way more derogatory. They want little person. That's crazy. They totally want little person. You're not a person. You're? Little person. Oh no, midget's like the N word for them. What? Little person sounds way more derogatory. They want little person. That's crazy. They totally want little person. you're a little person? You're smaller than normals. Nope, no, no, no.

They want little person. Lesser than. Less than. I like that. That's a cute one. The preferred nomenclature is little person. What about we call them

like toddy people? Like tots. Hot toddies? Yeah, but hot toddies, too whiskey. Too whiskey. They're too small for whiskey. But I think if you shaved a little person's face, knocked the ripple out of his hands,

because I know he's been sucking back a lot of old crow while working for the carnival, you could get him out there, put a little like, you know, or a halter top. I love kids in halter tops. Kids don't dress like sluts, they act like sluts. Alright?

So, we just, you know, we put them out there, have them send them to the fucking mercenary school, missionary school. And that's Henry Zebrowski from Heroes Reborn. 8pm on NBC. I tell you what, we certainly don't dress up a little person as a kid in order to fuck it and pretend like we're a bunch of molesters on that show.

Henry, let's get some spoilers. Spoil us. Super spoil us. I'm a woman in the show, so that makes it super trans-related, which is great. A big number for that. You have a beard, though. Your character still has the beard. Yep.

But it doesn't matter. I still identify as an octopus. I'm A big number for that. You have a beard though. Your character still has the beard. Yep. But it doesn't matter. I still identify as an octopus. I'm actually trans as an octopus. You're an octopus. And we got that Asian chicken that's still there. And she's a ninja, right?

Because it's racist? Yeah. Yeah. Still got that black person too? All of them are only villains. Yeah. Isn't that exciting? That's nice. Friends of the People,

there was one white fella and he was usually the villain. And now in your show, there's one black fella and he's the villain. And what's the Netflix show Jessica Jones? Jessica Jones, which is very popular, which proves that people really do actually still want superhero shows.

I don't know what the problem is. Yeah, the miscalculation and mistranslation with Heroes Reborn? I think, again, it's about what's going on in this country, and I think that we need to reflect back on the three wars that were involved and not be so concerned about ratings all the time and just sign me up for a second season because I could use the money. I think maybe just go to Netflix next time. Yeah.

Just shoot it right over to Netflix. Yeah. Can we look up squirrel porn? Oh, my God. No, let's not. You can't look up animal porn on the computers anymore. No? Yeah, I don't think you ever could.

I mean, it's not porn. They call it nature movies. Nature movies. Yeah. Or like squirrel fucking a woman. Oh, no, no, no. That's not around. Also, I just feel like at a place that serves food professionally, like at a restaurant,

no computer can be found within this building that has a video of a woman getting either eaten out or fucked by a squirrel. I don't think she could get eaten out. Now, this story was kind of cute. Yeah. Do you remember that? We were in Toronto and the squirrels were fat. They were like, I'm having a hard time climbing the tree.

Squirrel's not going to fuck a woman. The only way a squirrel is going to satisfy a woman is if the woman takes the squirrel and shoves it up inside and lets the squirrel freak out a little bit. I'm going to try to pivot out of this. What you can do is kill a squirrel, put it in the freezer for a little bit, and then put a condom over its head and shove it up in there that way.

That'll work. Heroes were born. Well, you've got to wet it first so that it'll freeze over the right way. Well, if the woman ain't wet already, then you haven't been doing your job before you inserted that dildo inside. Squirrel. That squirrel dildo. Squirreldo.

No, the squirrel's gotta be wet first. Before you freeze it so that it will sort of freeze up like in a popsicle. Wait, you wanna wash it? Yeah, anyways, you wanna wash it. Can you maybe do like a door-to-door encyclopedia Britannica salesman? Oh, do you wanna find out what happens in A to Z? It was canceled, actually. A to M.

It made it all the way to M? Yes. That's not bad. No shit. Again, Kevin, this is the type of talent that you're sitting on here. This was a problem. Were there any black people in A to Z? Yes. That chick was kind of black, right? Yes, she was black. She was exotic. This was the problem Were there any black people In A to Z Yes

That chick was kind of black Right Almost Yes she was black She was exotic Wait which girl She was British And also black

She was one of those people That if she was like Doing real good Black people would be like That's one of ours And everyone would be like I don't know But I'm not going to say nothing

She's gorgeous though That's really all that matters Yeah did you get to see her bush No No the second The second chick But she was exotic She's gorgeous though That's really all that matters Yeah Oh is the main chick Bush No No the second The second chick But she was exotic

She wasn't black Yeah she was I read for that part in LA I went out and I read for it You didn't get it I didn't get it Not exotic enough What do you mean exotic Jackie

I'm talking like Egyptian I'm talking like Somebody's been out in the sun For just the right amount of time mixed race exotic means mixed race I beat out an Indian man to play my part literally beat him

when he found out he was going to the audition I didn't know it was audition now it is you pecker that's the big line in Hollywood Henry runs up to his competition and goes welcome to your audition, and then just beats him mercilessly.

First I go like, give me a kiss. And they're like, no, no, no, no. They're always Indian. Every role he's up against for some reason is an Indian role. Why you give a kiss? I'm like,

it's a fucking toll. You come to my country and make me have to kill you to take my country. And he's just like, not that Indian. Isn't it Christmas time? Aren't we supposed to be more forgiving? Thank you. I watch It's a Wonderful Life.

I know what fucking happens. Can you imagine what Santa's dick smells like when he takes off those pants? Cookies! I think everything is cookie related. Every year. You talk about Santa's dick every year for the past five years. Because all I can imagine is a reindeer farting on the lap of a 300 pound

immortal who sits in a fucking wrapped up in wool in an old ass sleigh. Just balls just fucking slapping against the fucking oak. He only works one day a year. The other days a year he lets his dick hang out. Yeah, he's got Mrs. Claus just fucking bobbing up and down on that piece.

Yeah, I mean, I think he's naked 364, and then, yeah, it's just the one day. And I heard the way you make an elf is you cum on a chicken egg. Isn't that something? I didn't know that. Santa comes on a chicken egg. Santa comes on a chicken egg and it opens up. It's magic cum. Yeah.

Gotcha. Does Mrs. Claus have to incubate the egg? No, Mrs. Claus is all sewn up. She is. I guess she's been around for thousands and thousands of years. They fuse together over time. No, you don't know what incubate means. Incubate just means to sit on it and keep it warm.

Yeah. Oh, I guess you're fat-ass when you do that. I don't know. She's not that overweight. She's lost a lot of weight. Yeah, she's lost a lot of weight recently. Yeah, she looks pretty... I don't know what the fuck she does, man.

That's not my fucking prerogative. I ain't her boss. Henry, yeah, is a known hater of Christmas. A known legitimate person who does not like Christmas in any way, shape, or form. I think the holiday brings out the worst in people. I agree. Kevin, if you're Santa Claus, you go downstairs, you're down a chimney, you got the plate, you got the cookies and the milk,

but get rid of the cookies and the milk. What do you really want to see down there? What do you really want to see? What do you want to eat? He's going to be so sick of cookies and milk. Asparagus? Ooh. Steak.

Leave Santa out some steak, man. Apparently overseas it's brandy, not milk. Really? Yeah. So he's drunk up there. In Arizona, it's your wife. Isn't that exciting? She lays out there in a satin robe, just waiting for sanity to come.

Oh, poor Santa Claus. That's his least favorite state. Imagine how dry a pussy is in Arizona. I don't know. It feels like for some reason it would be more wet than normal. And reaction. Because you're so excited to see something not dry. You got to wet your dick.

Fat squirrels in Toronto having fun eating nuts, huh? Let's move up to Alaska. Let's get closer to the North Pole. How's that? Let's go to the land of ice and snow. Eskimos are like if Native Americans raped a bunch of elves.

You know, they're more Asian than anything. Oh, God, don't even say it. Very good, Henry. Asians wearing fur, living in the snow. Why did you say that? That was just a thought you had, huh? It's Christmas. Yeah, I don't know if that gives a license for that.

There's a lot of gang violence in Alaska. Because they move, they have like half dark, half light. And then whenever it gets light out, they all fucking come out with their guns and boom, boom, boom. What is it when Jackie and Henry,

when you guys get together, you're just the worst? What are you talking about? You're just the worst people. Because they're the kids that sit in the back of the class and cause trouble.

I was in the back of the class. Nah. You're too tall. You couldn't be in the front. I was in the front of the class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're titans of personality.

The problem is I think it's just because he's sitting next to me. It's a lot more difficult when he's sitting next to me. Can you imagine how scared an Eskimo is the first time he saw a seal, man? That's a big-ass dog. Yeah, but they can't open their eyes because their eyes don't open. Good work, Jack. People hated the seal clubbing. That's sort of gone

Remember those infomercials They used to be all over the place The commercials of the seal club Oh kill the seals Who cares Yeah they need it for oil right They need to bring the seal clubbing back The seals are way out of control

They're like the deer of the ocean Yeah Seals are a bunch of perverts All they're doing is Cornholing each other And squirting out more baby versions of them That's a good point Turn them into

Turn them into candles People need to live. Is that what they make out of seal? Yeah, they make oil. Candles and meat. I would eat seal meat. Oh, yeah. I don't think that people wear seal, if I'm mistaken.

I think it would be a very ugly jacket. It's not exactly a furry animal. It's kind of cool because it would be like waterproof. I think it would be waterproof. Oh, yeah, man. Seal skin shit. They totally do seal skin skin stuff i feel like it's more of a shoe thing than a jacket type thing oh you can get seal skin socks i love that oh no wait that's just the name of the brand skill seal skins with a z why would they name it seal skins and then not have it be seals can i take its face this beautiful face with its bright beautiful eyes and skin it and put it over mine for a hoodie? You can do whatever you want. That's cute.

You can call it a cutie. Ooh, sailors used to use seal skin for tobacco pouches. Oh. Can you imagine how rancid that would make your tobacco smell? No, it would keep it fresh. It would. It would. It's just leather. It's sea animal

fat. Cool. You can also use seal skin to make Scottish sparrans. There's no more greater indication of wealth than just wearing other animals for socks. I feel like seal socks, that's pretty amazing. I feel like the ultimate sign of wealth in this country could be owning a man like a butler and having him sit on your shoulder all the time like he's a parrot. Endangered servant. You're talking about a slave that's also an acrobat.

No, I'm talking about a man that I own. A tiny, tiny slave. That would require magic, I think. I feel also that would help scratch the people who want to get pets but are allergic to down or to feather stuff. You get a little person, dress them up like a parrot, you pay them fucking 50 bucks a day to sit on your shoulder, and hey, guys, look at my new parrot. You're talking about slavery but more humiliating.

No, it's a job. Yeah, a mini version. There's too many steps to that, man, because you got a little person. Little people aren't all that little. So you're going to have to do a lot of trap workouts for months in advance to prepare yourself to be able to shoulder this, man. How big do they get weight-wise? I say about 28 pounds.

And that's a good, that's a lot. I'm going to say more than 28 pounds. 28 pounds is the cap. I would actually kind of like to know the average weight of a little person. It's like four feet tall, right? That's why they're not allowed on the battlefield. 28 pounds is more like what a corgi would weigh. Oh, I love a good corgi.

A fat corgi. A very good corgi. Yeah, a Zebrowski corgi. Yeah, you'd have to do a lot of core work. Gracie Mae is dead. Please don't bring her up. Are they going to get another one? Gracie Mae was murdered. Gracie Mae is dead. Please don't bring her up. Are they going to get another one? Gracie Mae was murdered.

Gracie Mae was their dog. Amber, their mother fed it to death over the past seven years. Our mother only killed the dog. She did not die. She was murdered. And the dog technically was murdered

in the same way Kevin Spacey murdered that dude in Seven. Just feed him and feed him like Method Man. So his asshole shut. Just keep feeding him. Feed him like Method Man. So his asshole's shut. Just keep feeding him and feeding him. My mother asked me, she said, I'm thinking about getting a cat.

And I said, don't get a cat. And she goes, you can't overfeed a cat. And I said, have you ever read Garfield? There was a whole years and years of overfeeding. Every famous cat is fat. Is that legitimately all that she's thinking about in Garfield. Because Garfield ate literally the worst thing you can feed an animal.

Remember when you would cut a piece of lasagna and he'd say, Oh, that's big enough for me? And he'd eat the rest. That would kill a cat. It's not supposed to eat straight, like white flower cars. Oh, that's not true. Cats can eat lasagna. Right?

So she's going to get a cat and she's going to feed that until it dies. I'm hoping she calls it Garfield. Garfield Zabrowski. It works, yeah. It sounds very presidential, actually, but it's a cat. Yeah, we never got to that Alaskan story. We can get to it now. We can get to it.

Unless Henry wants to make other claims about the people. You good? They're a bunch of pussy bitches. I agree with... I don't, not, not, not, not, not agree. Very political. Where in fur they don't have real houses, live in ice,

they're Asian, Asian, Asians. Asiatic. Yeah, that's the correct word. They went across the Bering Strait and then they stopped. All right, let's get to this Alaskan story. Marcus, it must be weird to actually have intelligence and then just have to hang out with everybody that we know.

They can't have books because they make them out of ice. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I heard that. Oh, I had to be careful with this book. It's too suspenseful, and I sweat through my hands. I sweated. I sweated too much reading. No John Grisham books in Alaska.

Yeah, you can't. You can't hang on to them. Can they have TVs? The problem is that their TVs all sit upon their tables and their chairs, which are just barking seals all day long. So they miss plot points. They have to run. They have to chase their own televisions down the... I was going to say field, but they don't even have that, do they?

They have 90 words for snow and no words for, please, wife, excuse me, I have to fart on this thing. I imagine every day of their life is like that snow race level in Mario 64. The penguins just gliding across the front. All right. All right. All right. All right. An Alaskan woman appears to have set the record for the amount of counterfeit currency and narcotics hidden inside various body orifices.

Fairbanks police were dispatched last month to an adult novelty store after a clerk called 911 to report that a couple sought to purchase sex merchandise with a counterfeit $100 bill. Before cops could get to the Castle Megastore, suspect Chelsea Sperry, 31, left the business with a, quote, large wad of cash provided by her boyfriend who waited for police to arrive. Shortly after Sperry drove away from the business, she was pulled over by police. When a check revealed that Sperry was driving with a suspended license, she was arrested and transported to the Fairbanks Correctional Center at the jail. A corrections officer observed Sperry, quote, making furtive movements towards her vagina. Sperry was then put through a body scan, which revealed that she had items concealed in her vagina and or anus.

Now that is being vague for no reason. You can just say it was in her vagina and anus. Yes, I agree. It was written in real time. A female corrections officer subsequently removed a, quote, a wad of cash and drugs from inside Sperry. The haul included six $100 bills, three $50 bills, and seven $20 bills, all of which were counterfeit. The $890 in funny money, however, was supplemented by a genuine $10 bill that was discovered in Sperry's anus.

So she put the real money in the butt. The real money in the butt, the fake money in the pussy. That's why I feel bad for female corrections officers, because they've got to look through two holes. Yeah, that's a lot of work. You can't put anything in the pussy. That's why I feel bad for female corrections officers because they've got to look through two holes. Yeah, that's a lot of work. You can't put anything in the male penis. Honestly though, at the same time, what is her crime for just being a human piggy bank?

Yeah, that is illegal to do in most states. The crime is possession of counterfeit currency. And then driving on a suspended license. What if you're on your way to a quinceanera or something and it's fake money that goes inside a piñata? Yeah, I mean, who knows why she had it? That's a good point. Maybe she should

have used that as an excuse. Or maybe she was the piñata. They just beat her until she shits out money. There's not a lot going on. An Alaskan piñata. Sperry's vagina also held two bags of meth,

a bag containing seven morphine pills, two bags containing a brown tarry substance that tested positive for heroin. The crisis officer also discovered a clear plastic baggie containing 40 smaller baggies that were similar in size to the ones containing the meth and the heroin. All of these in the woman's vagina. She didn't have to put the extra baggies inside of her vagina.

Those could have just been in a bag. But that suspect, though. If you have the little baggies, that's suspect, so they're going to search more. Only if you're planning on getting caught. Alright, we've got two ladies here. Amber and Jackie. I want to know, this is a perk, huh? Yeah, I can put stuff in my vagina?

Yeah, that's like, I can fit a human being in there. I can fit 40 baggies. What's worse, 40 baggies in your pussy or 40 baggies in your glove compartment? In your pussy. As far as legality goes? It's just like you're not supposed to have it in your pockets either. I think it's less if you have it in like a purse.

No, that's not true. There's a Supreme Court case about it. You have to keep the drugs in one place and you can keep the separate baggies in another place. I just feel like it seems to be, unless she just had the room to spare and was excited about

the competitive idea of how much could I jam in there. I think you could have put that in the glove box. Yeah, but what's worse legally? No, it's the exact same thing. There's a Supreme Court case about somebody who argued that it wasn't on their person, but if it is in their car, it is the exact same thing. There's a Supreme Court case about somebody who argued that it wasn't on their person, but if it is in their car, it is technically on their person.

It's still a possession. So you might as well put it in your pussy then. Put it in your pussy. I mean, that's your best bet. That's your best chance. And you hope that they don't check there. And they probably wouldn't have, but it seems like the counterfeit bills got a little bit itchy. And I would assume they did.

Do you think it feels good to have it inside your vagina? Rolled up counterfeit money? I don't think there's any woman who's ever fantasized about that. I don't know. I would imagine that the $890 in counterfeit bills probably fist-sized, Jackie. Yeah, I mean, you could definitely

No, but if you think, no, they're folded over. I'm saying they're folded over. You could definitely fit a big wad of cash up inside your pussy. Yeah, and that's the word that they kept using over and over again. Wad. Wad.

The problem is that it's the cash on top of the drugs. So my question is, were the drugs first? I guess I would shove the drugs in first. See, I would do the drugs last. The drugs were in first because they pulled the money out first. So the drugs would have gone in first if you're talking about order. First to enter, last to leave.

Seems like a lot of this was happening. If you could have put a microphone into there, she'd have been like Oh, don't look at me. There was like a little crooner that she was planning on putting in there afterwards and she was going to pay him in counterfeit money and give him all the drugs and stuff and then put on a little show inside of her body?

Yeah. I feel like after she was in the icicle cell, she probably could have licked her way out, right? Licked through the bars of ice. Get your way out with your hot tongue. Find the money. Get out. Marcus just put a picture up of the girl and I will say for Alaska, she's a 10. Isn't that saying something?

I mean, that's a lot of no's. Yeah, she's a meth. It's a bad angle. She's a meth 6. She's a meth 6. No, she's a meth 8. She's a meth 8. She's a normal 4. But an Alaskan 10. But an Alaskan 10.

Actually, I don't know. There could be hot people in Alaska. I think that there really are. Oh, Ben, you were just talking, you were just extolling the virtues of Sarah Palin, saying that Sarah Palin's hotter than Julianne Moore. What do you think about that? What are you fucking talking about? Thank you. Okay.

Idiot. You're idiots. Sarah Palin was played by Julianne Moore in the movie Game Change yeah that's how we got into this argument Julianne Moore

in no way Glenn Rice was the movie good had sex with Sarah Palin when Glenn Rice was a star I believe at Michigan State maybe Michigan University

it was Michigan oh so you're saying Glenn Rice wasn't banging any unattractive theater majors that looked like Julianne Moore I think Julianne Moore.

I think Julianne Moore is very pretty. Sarah Palin was probably hot to trot. She still is hot. She's almost 60. But in comparison to Julianne Moore, are you fucking kidding me? Julianne Moore is ethereally gorgeous. She is forever hot. She's a great actress.

Sarah Palin drinks constantly. She obviously has nonstop sex, living in Alaska. They have so many kids Her first dude Todd They're bone zoning all the time Yeah but she's not good at sex though

Why wouldn't she be good at sex? I don't know Sarah Palin I bet she just lies there going What do you prefer? Like a Republican She works for it That's why Julia Moore is getting all these lesbian roles

Because she knows how to bang She knows how to work it. Kevin, your thoughts? I don't want to offend anybody. I'm staying out of this, man. Sarah Palin, so much. She is, but you like, there's a different kind of sexy, I suppose. She's not a classy

sexy. She's not a classy, she's like a dollop of sexy. It's like sour cream sexy. If you had to hang out with Julianne Moore or Sarah Palin, I would say I would like to hang out with Sarah Palin more because I think it would be more fun. Julianne Moore's got a nice smile. You think you could have a good time with her.

You just sit there and sip tea. Sarah Palin would be like, let's get drunk and go kill things. Julianne Moore has what I like to call a bit of a skeletor going on. No, she's no Madonna, though. Yeah, she's not a skeleton woman. No, but it's in the face. It's a bit of a skeletor happening.

You know who I'd like to hang out with? George Wendt. I would love to hang out with George Wendt. Everybody wants to hang out with George. He's at a bar in Chicago. He stays there. He has a stool, and he's very good friends with a bartender.

No pressure. No pressure. You know, with him, I don't have to worry about him sizing me up trying to get my dick. You know what I'm saying? Oh, so you're concerned Julianne Moore couldn't resist but try to get your

disgusting, odd, Polish penis. Oh, yeah. She's like a badge for real now. Is she a lesbian? No, not in real life, but she's been playing one a lot. And in my head, I feel like... Portraying it very realistically, I fully would be on board if she was like, hey,

you gotta have a good tongue to play a good lesbian. I actually, but you never see her tongue. It's not like she goes these lesbian roles, and it's her going like, You don't know how she gets the roles. Well, technically, Holden's the only one that could handle her, then. You're the only one who has changed somebody's sexual orientation.

Yeah, absolutely. I could tame the beast. You're the only one who has changed somebody's sexual orientation. Yeah, absolutely. I could tame the beast. That's right. Holden's girlfriend was a lesbian. Holden's girlfriend went from being a lesbian with beautiful women

and then gorgeous women. I remember that one chick she was with before and she was like live and the two of them used to kind of kiss and do a thing where they'd stare at somebody

across the room and go like, yeah, like make cat hands. Yeah, yeah, totally. That's a little weird. It was called a Mr. Mistoffelees. It's a move they like to do every now and again.

I know, she just lets you crawl up there and push it in. We are useless at home now. We lay, we do not move at home. We watch the television at home. So her quality of life has gone down. It's gone very far down the tubes. Sounds like Gracie Mae Zebrowski. Oh, yeah, Gracie made her, which is the new phrase now

whenever you take the life from somebody's eyes. Hi, Gracie made her. I made her so comfortable that she no longer cares to live life. But what I have been noticing is that she's been getting more beautiful as you've gotten uglier over time. Like she is losing weight and taking care of herself. I have enlarged myself. I would welcome AIDS at this point

just to lose the weight. Actually now you kind of gain a lot of weight. You have to work out. That's why a lot of people who have HIV are very muscular. He's talking AIDS. AIDS really eats away at you. I saw the movie. But it's all different and the medication plumps you up. So you gotta work out otherwise you become obese. I heard the song.

I heard the... So you watched that feature film and were like And the medication plumps you up, so you've got to work out, otherwise you become obese. I heard the song. I heard the... Yeah. Once you have it... So you watched that feature film and were like, that's an idea. I saw the music video, which featured clips from the film, and I got the idea. What's your opinion on broccoli? Take it or leave it, you know? If you throw enough sugar and butter on anything, you can eat a bowl of it. Sugar, huh?

Sure. Broccoli sugar? Yeah. Uh-huh. That a bowl of it. Sugar, huh? Sure. Broccoli sugar? Yeah. That's great. That's wonderful. If you dip anything in Coca-Cola and cherry Coca-Cola, you can eat it all day. Soak it. Do you guys huff any booze yet? I hear you use Coca-Cola to

huff booze now. That's what the kids are telling me. What? Huff booze. Yeah, so it's like, it's something about like, you take a quarter, you open up a two liter of Coca-Cola, you pour out most of it, and then you pour a bunch of vodka into the two liter and you shake it up and you huff the booze. And it gets you, it knocks you right out. Sort of a vaporizer type thing, huh? Yeah, it's like a vaporizer for booze now with Coca-Cola that the kids are doing.

Do you still get the calories? I don't think so because you're not drinking the Coca-Cola. Uh-oh, Kissel. You just use it for the carbonation. Maybe I should not have said this. Coca-Cola stocks are about to go through the roof. I actually think you do gain the calories. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.

I don't know. I mean, none of us are nearly intelligent enough. I'm no doctor. I don't know if you've ever... Kevin, you're actually the smartest one here when it comes to medicine. If it's in a vapor, do you get the calories? I don't know.

In a vapor, how are you... I don't think that you are. It gets absorbed into the lungs, and it's quite toxic. Oh, yeah. I think you can die real fast. You could die so fast doing that. It's equivalent to the tampon soaking

and putting it in your anus. Or butt chugging. You guys seen that picture of the girl? There's a new butt chugger on the internet. This girl, she's butt chugging Robitussin. Robo trippin. Robo butt chuggin. Let's look at it. Look it up. Oh, I don't know.

I want to see. Someone's daughter. Someone's sister. Someone's mother. Yeah, you thinking about me, fucking butt, robotropist? So she'll never get diarrhea again. There is... I mean, alcohol... Oh, look at her. She's like...

Oh, my goodness. Oh, wait. She's about four or five. All right, so there's a gal. She's doing a handstand, and her legs are against the wall. She looks very fit and fun and young, and I love it. And God bless America. Yeah, exactly. Great. Good for you.

If you do do that though, I mean I think you just tell the friends like phones down. Do they know it's Christmas after all? I bet she got real mad at the... No. Does anybody not have a sex tape? I have never taken a picture. No, but I'm talking about born after like 1995.

They all just have sex tapes, right? One time I was having sex in Fort Tryon Park. This was like 10 years ago. No, sorry, seven years ago. I was having sex, and I looked up, and there's some flashes on a camera. So there's some pictures somewhere of me just fucking a dude. Were you completely nude?

I had my shirt on, but bottoms off. But it was like on a tree and like in the middle because fort tryon is in the middle of nowhere no one's around were you just being romantic or yeah we just had a picnic and i was like let's go fuck in the woods it's great you did have the picnic beforehand yes that's actually that's fine that's the date that. That's spontaneous. That's a date. But yeah, there's some photos out there. Literally, the picnic truly does nullify anything horrible about what you're saying. It does make it better. I got some cheese. I cut it up. A cucumber.

Some bread. Sausage. See, that's nice. If you told me that you had just got done drinking a Schlitz out of an old plastic bag next to a Dunkin' Donuts and you had met the chief fryer guy, and you went, hey, let's go stick it some. Is that a problem if you get free donuts? I guess technically that's a job.

Yeah, and if he is the chief fryer guy, that's actually a fairly high position for the Dunkin' Donuts brand. So, not so bad. Or a Krispy Kramer. Mmm. I don't know about Krispy Kramer. I think the fact that you can call him a Krispy Kramer.

Yeah, but I'll be like, Krispy Kremo, won't you lick my cream off me? But they're all just Indian men, and they'll all be like, does this picture of this send to family in Karskadgar? Very good. I don't think it's Indians. Yeah, right now. I'm not against Indians. I'm portraying them.

You're portraying them. I am portraying them. I'm playing them in scenarios. I'm not. I'm not against Indians. I'm portraying them. You're portraying them. I am portraying them. I'm playing them in scenarios. I'm not being negative. That excuse is going to stop working one of these days. I'm a performer. Nobody got mad. Think about it.

Mickey Rooney played that Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Everyone is upset with him for what he did in that movie. No one blames Mickey Rooney. Yes, they do. We all absolutely doubt him. Because it was his choice to do that character. It's Chinese character. He's playing a character.

You picked the worst example. Everyone thinks that it's the most racist portrayal. Mickey Rooney was the most beloved man in show business for like seven years. And now because of that portrayal, he is very much not true. And a lot of people are just discounting that movie altogether specifically because of his performance.

I don't know. I laughed. It's too much. If you're mad about how he's portraying your people, then your people should stop acting like that. Exactly. In a way. In a way, I'll say.

We had a white man play Gandhi. Do you remember that? We had a white man play Gandhi. And he was British, so that's not really white. It's a lot closer to Indian. No, it's not. It's farther away from Indian. Well, technically the Brits own most of India for the majority

of our history. That makes them even farther away from India. You can't say we owned you, now we're like you. That's like somebody playing 12 years a slave and then a white person playing that guy is a slave. Well, sure. That's a good analogy. Right? We could have. Actually sure, that's a good analogy. Right? We could have.

Actually, that isn't a good analogy. It isn't? It is. It is. Yeah, like a white person playing a black slave that they owned. It's very odd. Oh, it's so hungry. Yeah, it would be an interesting take.

I never saw that movie. I haven't seen the movie either. It's super boring. Yeah, it stinks. It looked boring. And I love sad movies that look boring. I remember Lex and I were like, as a people, we were obligated to watch this movie and feel bad about it. And then it was just like, so boring.

It's got the saddest ending ever. I'd rather read Garfield. It's like, that's sad enough. That's the thing that makes me smile. And then give me a chuckle a little bit, and also I learned something. What happened at the end of 12 Years of Slave? Well, he finally got released, but I mean, at that point, he was already so old and down-dropped and beaten up through the whole history.

Oh, just read Beloved. It's awful, yeah. So basically, he just died alone and miserable. Yeah, nowhere to go. Yeah, okay. He just went back up to New York. What happened at the end of Garfield? Oh, he's doing great.

John is still suicidal, and there's no lasagna in the fridge. Yeah. He's a self-aware cat, technically living in a strange purgatory world where you have a desperate single man who feeds you pasta all day long and then a cat

you literally are mailing to a terrorist country that is your only friend. Normal. And then, yeah, and then your vet, your owner is trying to have sex

with the entire time. And, you know. Well, he did get to, he did eventually, he's been dating the vet for quite a while now, for a couple of years. No, they don't date. No, they got together. No, eventually, he's been dating the vet for quite a while now. No, they don't date. They got together. No, they're together.

She finally said yes and they're about to move in. It sounds like you're making a desperate plea that John's life is okay now, but it's not. No, they got together in the Thanksgiving special. They had that first date in Thanksgiving special. No, but they actually did, are you talking about the cartoon?

Because in current continuity in the actual newspaper strip. In the current Garfield lore. In the current Garfield lore, yes. John is dating the vet. Wait, is this expanded universe Garfield? This is not expanded universe Garfield. This is current canon. This is Jim Davis.

Well, I don't know if Jim Davis. I doubt it. I'm sure he's still a creative consultant. I'm sure he's still consulted. When they wanted to make big changes in the Garfield character, like they did recently with this, it's a big change. That's great. Here's the thing.

When they did the India movie, did he put on brown face to play that dude? You're talking about Gandhi? He had like a tan makeup on. They bronzed him a little bit. I love it. And he won an Academy Award, right? Oh, yeah. Because of how good he was

at playing an Indian. He did great playing an Indian. But Daniel Day-Lewis played a Mohican. He didn't even have to brown and he still got the Oscar for that, right? He didn't even have to brown.

I'm telling you this. Listen, man, because people don't know what the fuck Mohicans do. They don't know what they sound like. It's like, yeah, he's just fucking great at it.

We got rid of him and killed him immediately. We were like, before we could even ask what they do, we just killed them. They were among the first to go, yes. I am going to put it this way.

I am going to win an Oscar playing Chairman Mao in a very serious Spielberg movie about him. Who can I play your sister? It's going to be one of those where like if I'm at craft services, I have to be like, oh, Mr. Mao's here.

Oh, thank you so much. Oh, I wish they had multigrain bread. I hate when they hit the white frown bread because I like to put almond butter on it because I wash my waist. I do too, Henry. I mean, Mr. Mouth. I'm Jimmy Mouth.

All right, Henry, let me test your auditioning process here. Let me test your knowledge of history. Why don't you test, I am a young man, and you are trying to get me to participate in the cultural revolution. Please pitch me. Oh, hey, come on, buddy. What's your name? This is my buddy.

Hey, your name is Ben Sal And I tell you Mr. Sal One day you're gonna be General Sal You follow me You follow me

I make you General Sal And we have a good time Oh my dumplings are done You know when the dumplings Are done when you're Boring them In a pot Because they rise

To the surface of the water So it's kind of a Cook character Oh Yawky I think it's more y a cook character. Oh! Yawky! I think it's more yawky than a dumper. Oh, no, dumper's sprit! The dumper and the noodle and the dumper's

sprit! Now I'll make a genocide! Now I'll make a genocide! I so mean it! He's spitting everywhere like a disgusting monster. You have a lot of spittle on your face. And the microphone. And you know why he spit so much? Because what he was doing was passionate and believable.

No! True acting. Chairman Mao was a bit of a dribbler. You guys have to watch the search for General Tso because that... It's good. It's a good movie. Is it pretty good? Yeah.

It's pretty good. I'm going to do the search for General Tso tonight when I order me some delivery food. That's right. I will have General Tso tonight and order me some delivery food. I will have General Tso's tonight as well, Henry. Very excited. You inspired everyone to be unhealthy. Chinese food! Chinese food! We're like a Jew on Christmas Eve.

Ooh, I got a food story. It's not Chinese food. It's Mexican food. Oh. Don't trust him. Oh. A New Mexico man broke into his mother's home and stole a pot of her homemade stew. According to police who have charged him with burglary, as alleged in a criminal complaint,

Jonathan Ray, 23, last week swiped the stew known as pozole from the refrigerator in his mother's Albuquerque home. the stew known as pozole from the refrigerator in his mother's Albuquerque home, Ray's mother, Angela Patenti, told police that her son entered her home around 11pm against her wishes and went straight to the fridge and grabbed a pot of pozole

that she made. Everybody's had a pozole. Everybody's eaten that before. Is it pozole or is it pozole? No, it's pozole. I was surprised that Mexicans had a stew. I thought that was more of a giant's meal. No, because you have like an otoscapaglio. You know, you have a stew.

Anybody's got bones and a meat and a rice. You throw it in a pot and it's a stew. But the thing is that any person can be... This has been stew talk with Jackie Zabrowski. Any person can be held accountable for stealing a stew out of a fridge where a stew is available. I just thought that Mexican law is that if Abuelita made an estuyo, it belonged to the entire Abuelita. The entire Pueblo city. Yeah, like an estupo.

If you say estupo or estuyo, yeah, yeah, yeah. It belonged to the people. That's an Italian. You're going Italian with it, but I agree. You can't call the cops. Burglary, it seems like too heavy of a charge. He stole his mother's soup. You can't steal your own mom's soup.

That soup's for you. Yeah, you're the kid for life. You always get the soup. He stole the stew, ran out the back door carrying the pot of pozole, and left days before the stew, ran out the back door carrying the pot of pasol and left. Days before the stew heist, Pachente called police to have Ray removed from her property after she discovered that he was, quote, setting up a camp in her garage. That's a Mexican bedroom.

It's a great bedroom. Like, so Fonzie slept in a Mexican garage Yes Who's at fault here? The mom or the kid? The mom You think so? I mean, okay, here's a look at the guy

It's a little bit of slut shaming in terms of food But you can't make a fancy nice stew around it Not expect to be stolen The guy does look like everybody I've seen on Lockup Yeah, that's Johnny Ray He's got a big scar He's got one of those scars on his head that looks like he got kicked by a mule.

Or like a Mexican jumping bean. Kicked by a Mexican jumping bean? I am going to say. Yeah, yeah. Jumping beans in Mexico kind of look like California raisins with big sneakers. Yeah, yeah. So they're jumping all over the place.

Yeah, they're jumping all over the place. They got those poncho veas on them. But they're slow because they're taking a siesta. No, they're not like, oh, what's his cousin? Slowpoke. Slowpoke, yeah. You didn't even say Speedy. You just said, what's his cousin?

You knew what I meant. We were all supposed to assume that we were talking about Speedy Gonzalez, an arguably racist Disney character. No, Speedy Gonzalez, an arguably racist Disney character. No, Speedy was very, very good. But Slowpoke was his drunk cousin. Yeah, I mean, everyone has a drunk cousin. That's not a Mexican thing. We have a cousin with Tourette's.

Yeah, we also got a bunch of retarded cousins, but, you know, they're all slow, but in a different way. Yeah, what happened with that? They're still alive. No, no, no, no. I know they survived, but why? What was the origin? Oh, because they're fucking other retarded people.

They stopped being married. They both got divorced from their wives. Are they divorced? Yes, both of them got their marriages annulled. Interesting. Technically, I believe that they are born sterile. I believe that they cannot have children. I think you're making that up.

I do not know. Were they sterilized? I think you're making that up. No, you can't sterilize anybody anymore. No, they're twins, though. I think they were twins. They both got, like, yuck, yuck, yucked with the umbilical cord. Dumb, dumb, dumb in the head. And now they can't fucking shoot, shoot, shoot out their dick.

Good. They shouldn't. They should not procreate. Yeah, so you believe that they're sterile like I believe in the inherent goodness of man, that sort of thing? Yeah, you know? Yeah. Like you need to believe. Tomato, tomato. I'd like to believe it.

I know that they were very sexually active, but now they are, I think one of them is a councilman, and I think the other one of them is a bank robber. Councilman for what? McDonald's? He doesn't know. I just gave him a gavel on one of those British lawyer wigs, and I told him he's a councilman. He's a councilman for the WWE. And

now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Wow, that was so fast. Oh yeah, it's time. I ain't doing it McNeely. Wow, that was so fast. Oh, yeah, it's time. I ain't doing it fast or nothing. All right, well, we don't have Mr. Kissel here. He left in what looked like disgust, but mostly I just think he's trying to politically distance himself from the conversation.

I think he has to take a pitzel kissel. What was that? Pitzel kissel. A pitzel. Well, he has to be. It sounds like he's paying pretzels. Like pretzel sticks out of his ear. I'm sorry.

That's garbage, Jackie. I'm a garbage woman. That's a garbage woman thing to say. You've said some incendiary things on the show today. All right. You also said the word ubiquitous earlier. I did. That was Marcus.

What does Mal think? Mr. Mal, what do you think of Mexican food? You know, I reckon, but I look at the rice and I'm like, why so yellow? Somebody pee in a bucket? So I'm the bad one. I'm the bad one. He makes a super good point, though. But that is what they think over there.

Right? It is. It totally is. It's a really good point. It's playing the man, not playing the stereotype. Right. Right. That's him. That's what Mao is. Mao is a culturally inappropriate person. All right, well, the cultural revolution.

Today's segment is we're getting into the Christmas spirit immediately, as fast as we can. I put up some lights here in the studio for Christmas.

I keep staring at them. They're beautiful. It looks like the fishnets one would find on the legs of a prostitute. Yes. Yeah, but they're more colorful. And they keep going on and off in different colors.

Yeah, and there's a whole lot of different settings. After we're done recording, we can play with them. We can just have a great time. Is this on the Slowpoke Rodriguez version right now? Yes, it is on the Slowpoke Rodriguez version. All right, so... He's always hiccuping his booze. Oh, yes, he's drunk.

So it's a secret Santa for everybody involved. I made everybody already go ahead and draw names. The way we play the game is you're going to name the gift you're giving first. Then everybody has to guess who you're giving it to. And then next man, man, go next. And then next man, go next. And then next man goes next. So I will start my gift I got for a certain someone.

It's a $1,000 cap, right? Oh, and there's a $1,000 budget. Right. My gift is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very large pair of pants. A big pair of pants for a big man, possibly? Maybe. But Ed's not here. Ed's not here.

So Ed's not included in this. Ed's not included in this, because I didn't write his name down on the paper. So who do you think I gave a very, very- Marcus! So he looks like a clown! Nah. It's a doll! Very good! I he looks like a clown! Nah. Very good.

I got Finn from Jose Bank! I got him a pair of pants from Jose Bank! So he has a new tweed blazer on. Is that from Jose Bank? Everything is Jose Bank. But I feel like he's always wearing jeans with it when he's going for the casual boy thing, but I want to give him a pair of slacks. I would like a good pair of slacks. Slacks! Breathable ones!

Not polyester for you, my friend. That's great. I would like a good pair of slacks. Slacks. Thank you. Breathable ones. Not polyester for you, my friend. That's great. I love that. Thank you so much for the nice gift. I'm so happy. It is nice. Yeah. Alright. Could be more thrilled. Kevin, $1,000 budget. You've already drawn the name. Nobody knows who you got. $1,000 budget, though. You got

one pair of pants for me. From Jose Bank? That's a cheap store. No, no, no. You can get really fancy pants there. Oh, they didn't let you into the back room. No, you smelled too bad

to get into the back room. You were afraid that you were going to go in there throwing sheep around or like kicking over fences. Right, right, right. Besides, you shouldn't be questioning what somebody

gets you as a gift. I know. It's very impolite. Especially when it's imaginary. You didn't spend enough money on this, huh? He's trying to cover up your horrible legs. In any way that he can.

That's very nice, Kevin. Thanks so much. He cares about you, man. He does. Kevin? My gift for this person will be the hand of a prisoner of war. Now, it can be any war, you know, considering at this point we can travel through time. It doesn't matter.

It's fluid. Marcus Parks. I would say it is Jackie Zebrowski. It is Jackie. I know. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost said Hand of Asian Prisoner of War, but I felt it was too obvious.

Circle gets the square. Okay, so now that we all know it's me, if you're going to choose a prisoner of war, what war would you pick? Yes. Really? She's a Chinese? There's been a lot of Chinese wars, though. Yeah, yeah.

Their hands are so small. So it's like, is that enough of a trophy? Well, you know. Can we do it from a human hand? Human hand, yeah. What about a future? Can we do it from a future war? We can do it from a future war if we want.

Ooh. Yeah. Chinese-American war. We can go it from a future war. Chinese-American War. We can go from the Sino-Japanese War. Chinese-Australian War. It'd be fun to mix it up with some Asian wars. It's all Middle East. It's getting boring.

Yeah, we need to mix it up. Let's go invade China. We should fight as God am Canada. I agree with that. They got bat squirrels. They'll never see us coming. Kissel. Let's goddamn Canada. I agree with that. They got bat squirrels. They'll never see us coming. Kissel. Let's see here.

The gift I would like to give involves wild animals, live animals. One is a horse and another is a bird, and they are friends, and I will give them as a combo pack to this person. To Kevin. To Kevin Barnett. That is correct. A bird and a horse? That is very nice.

It's amazing. That's right, but the bird and the horse are friends, so that's kind of fun. That is very good. Nice. See, now that takes a lot of thought, you know, because he's got to train the bird and the horse for a long time. Are horses and birds natural friends? They help each other out, man.

Well, one, they always pick the, like, either bugs off out of the fur of the horse, or like if a farmer has been like, come on the back of one, a bird will come and pick all the flecks. And if the horse has a message for another horse that's on the other side of, like, a large lake or something, it can whisper the secret to the bird, and the bird will take it to the other horse.

I forgot to mention, they are both animated. Oh, wow. They are both cartoons. Surprisingly almost thoughtful gift No problem If you ever watch great footage of hippos as well Getting their teeth cleaned by birds That's kind of fun Birds are the toothbrush of nature

Amber Nelson you were drunk at best Yes at best The gift I'm going to give You know what it's $1000 I would like to give one hour Into the Bilderberg conference. That would be Henry. No, that would be Marcus.

It's got to be Mark. Who is it for? It's Henry. She hesitated, so I just thought that it was... I'm going to punch Hillary Clinton right in her vagina. Only because she's a fucking spokesman of the Illuminati,

not because she's a woman. Oh, yeah, spokesman of the Illuminati. She spoke at the Build-A-Bug conference last time. But I feel like $1,000 gets you an hour. Yeah. Maybe. Could be. Gets you an hour. Jackie. I'm gonna buy a bunch of silkworms. So these silkworms aren't just any

silkworms. They are actually encapsulated with a golden spiral. So I'm going to take the silkworms that I make drunk with the gold, and I'm going to make them puke up their gold threads. And what I'm going to do with their gold threads is I'm going to make nipple tassels. A real Rumpelstiltskin scenario. Yes, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to say, who is this for?

Who is this for? And it's the worms. And they're going to make these nipple tassels. And then after the nipple tassels are done, I'm going to stop. And then I'm going to look to the deer in the forest and be like, can you find me a hornet's nest? And they say yes. And they're going to go out and I'm going to pay the deer to go out and find a hornet's nest. And they say yes. And they're going to go out and I'm going to pay the deer to go out and find a hornet's nest.

And I'm going to write princess on top of the hornet's nest. I'm going to create it into a turban so that this person looks like they could be ethereal and could do the oriental dance of anyone throughout the Middle Eastern countries. What's happened?

Who's the gift for? Is that for Morgan? What is the gift? No, it's for Amber. No. It's for Henry. It's for Holden? It's for me.

It's for Holden McNair. Wow. That is really special. He's going to have his nipple tassel. He's going to have this special turban. And I will teach him through my new Turkish stepmother to do the Turkish Oriental dance. How's that going, by the way? Well, she's stuck

in Turkey. She can't get here because it turns out they're trying to start World War III. Can't get over a year, but when she does, she's going to teach me how to dance that dance. Now I'm going to teach you how to do it, Holden, and then you're going to have the tassels and the turban to do the dance.

She's a double agent, this woman. Could be. Henry Zebrowski. At this point... What's wrong with you? You turned into the mic to do that. I think it's obvious at this point who my gift would be for, but I decided

this beforehand and the present I wanted to get was a dog that was trained to bark when someone's vagina smelled too bad. It's going to be for Amber. Isn't that nice?

That's actually a pretty good gift for her. That's a good one because mine stinks pretty bad all the time. But that's the thing. you can't smell yourself. You can get a dog that just goes... Oh my God, somebody clean her vagina. Here's the thing, sometimes I can smell my pussy, and I don't know if other people can. Have you ever smelled my pussy? No.

Okay, good. Great. Sometimes, you know, you can, like, smell it. No. Like, I'm on the train, and I'm like, other people sitting below me, they can smell it. Who's sitting below you on the train? Like, I'm standing up and holding on, and they're sitting down. Okay, yeah.

And I'm like, I know they can smell my pussy. I can smell my pussy from here. What that must be for them is hell. I don't feel like I've ever smelled one just out in the streets like that. I've definitely

smelled some cooter. You know a woman who leaves her tampon in for too long? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You start that. It gets rotten inside your body. Like a homeless woman or something, you can smell it.

I've never smelled that ever. Really? Everyone I've been with has been so like clean and nice. Oh, no. There's been times where it fills the room. Yeah, no, no. It's not anyone that I've ever. That's what I was going to say.

It's like it's weird if like if somebody has that and then like when it's just out in the air, it just fills the room and it's horrible. But then like I've never just in the street smelled it. I mean on the train definitely. I just never smelled that. I mean I clean myself pretty regularly but there's I'm a human. There's a couple days

I don't and I sort of sleep in and whatever and like grate cheese on my pussy but you know and then I wake up and then it smells bad. That's fine though. It's also a diet thing too. And not even like if you're eating bad, but like there's like vegetables that'll make it smell bad. Yeah, tomatoes make it real fragrant.

Really? I love tomatoes. I think tomatoes are good for it. I thought tomatoes were bad for it. No, because the vitamin C helps turn it around. Cabbage is bad. I feel like broccoli is bad. Okay, so like all like Eastern European foods. Yeah, all that shit is bad. I feel like broccoli is bad. Okay, so like all like Eastern European foods. Yeah, all that shit's bad. No, you just take a fucking slice of lemon

and shove it right up there. Oh, like a soda. Yeah, like a soda. I would appreciate a dog, though, to bark because at least I would know. I was on a film set the other day and my underarm hair was so bad and I smelled so bad

that we had to we had to like take five for the costume designer to shave my underarm hair. So it was a problem for you in your career. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty embarrassing

and I do it in front of everybody and I was like I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry and it was like me and one of the buds it was like and then I had to immediately go and set it.

You know. I remember hearing about like So they sheared you like a sheep. Absolutely. There was somebody who was... I forget who it was and I wouldn't say her name because I forget who it was

but someone who was like a like a big like MTV host. One of these chicks that was like one of the big MTV hosts for like however long. Kennedy. She... Daisy Fuentes.

Daisy Fuentes. It was totally Daisy Fuentes. Keep going. What's your best Daisy Fuentes story? Basically, this wardrobe person at MTV cause you know

I used to do a lot of MTV stuff cause I've had a long successful career and uh and uh no and so apparently

the wardrobe person was like yo so and so used to her pussy smelled so bad that we literally had like

you know they try to return the clothes or whatever they'd have to throw it out everything that she wore they'd have to throw it out because her pussy would just fucking the smell would stain every part at least give it to her for free

who is this i can't remember daisy fuentes it was definitely daisy fuentes why would that happen why would why would make your vagina what would make the vagina be like that? Poor Joey Higgins. It's clean properly. Okay, so now... Once we have a yeasty or whatever... As far as the women, we got Kennedy, Daisy Fuentes, Downtown Julie Brown. Downtown Julie Brown. Yeah, Downtown Julie Brown.

Downtown Julie Brown was not having problems with sanitation issues. That's why they call it Downtown Sanitation Situation. Carmen Electra. She did some stuff for a little while. No way her pussy Smells bad I can't man Jenny McCarthy On single now

No way She dated Fucking Jim Carrey He loves Nice pussy Yeah he Always writes on his blog I need my pussy

To smell good People kill themselves For that pussy Yeah Yeah I don't know Honestly Even if you said it

I wouldn't know Just because I hear so many stories about those people. You just remembered the fucking bad pussy. I literally can't. I wish I could. I heard that Nick Nolte smells like throw up. I believe that's probably true. Is that true?

Martha Quinn! Honestly, I would. Even if you say it, I would. Martha Quinn, she's so attractive. Samantha Bad Pussy Smell. Was it her? Who's that guy in all the Taken movies? The guy in all the Taken movies?

Liam Neeson. He has the second biggest dick in Hollywood, from what I hear. And the first biggest dick in Hollywood is the guy that was, God, he was the bad guy in the Spider-Man movies. He has that fucked up face. Willem Dafoe.

Willem Dafoe has the biggest dick in Hollywood. Heard that. Yep, yep, heard that. I've heard that from costume designers. All right. So that's been this episode of The Roundtable of Gentlemen. Kevin will think on who has that issue over there at MTV, and we'll discuss it next week.

That's Jackie Zabrowski. You can find her on Twitter at JackTheWorm. Henry Zabrowski is on Twitter at HenryLovesYou. Find Marcus on Twitter at Marcus Parks. Got some exciting stuff coming soon. I just started a Twitch page Holdenators Ho so come find me on that

and I'm going to start doing Twitch streams coming real soon. I'll let you guys know. I don't know what that means. Tabitha Soren. Nope. Do like Tab.

Kevin's on Twitter at Fatboy Barnett. I'm at Ben Kissel. Amber is at Amber Smelson. Yeah and please watch Almost Genius is coming out on TruTV and I need to not go back to temping again so watch it. Please. But you watch Almost Genius. It's coming out on TruTV and I need to not go back

to temping again. So watch it. Please. But you like temping. It's like a challenge to everything you ever believed in. Yeah, it's fun. It keeps you humble.

For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.