The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 272: Gulch Fillers

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

This week on Round Table: a Pensacola man drives his car through a shopping mall in a time-travel event and a little boy is gifted brand new trash cans for Christmas by his heroes, the garbage men. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski!

The Round Table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Round Table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I like doidois. I don't know. Joidois? Doidois. Oh, doidois. Alright, good. Happy New Year, everyone. Way to start it off on a positive note. Same show.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Dear doidoi God. We've already prayed to him before you're my favorite child remember the conversation we had Henry what's your uh what's the conversation

you got in trouble for doing too many retard jokes did I the special needs community makes up the majority of our listeners and we love and appreciate everything about you hey god how you digging the shapes? Huh? What do you think about birds?

They're pretty, right? They go bye-bye sometime, though. So does Choo Choo. That's okay, though. You get over it. You want to go outside? You want to go for a walk? You want to go for a walk?

You want to go play slide in the park? It is killing me not to do this voice. All right. Well, since you're not responding. In the name of the papa. Okay, just do a little bit. You can have a little bit. It's just noise.

Can somebody pay attention? That's good. That's solid. That's good. In the name of the Papa And the boy boy And the hoogity boogity Amen

Alright, so welcome to the round table of gentlemen everyone I thought that was a nice prayer and that's how people should speak to God So I am Ben Kissel We got Jackie, you're over there I like to look at you, you got new glasses for New Year's huh? Nah, nah, same glasses They're old glasses but I can't wear them because it makes me look like Harry Potter. You do look a bit like Harry Potter.

Is that it? Yeah, yeah. I look like a fat, not as successful Harry Potter, which I'm trying to be, man. A drunken potter, huh? Yeah, yeah. What would be the favorite spell if you could do a spell? Cheeseburger spell. Yeah, what's that?

Make tacos into cheeseburgers? Why would you make tacos into cheeseburgers? It's Taco Tuesdays. You want to screw them over. No, no, no. I would put the spell on the tacos so every time a taco is eaten, a cheeseburger is born. Oh, Mike, you've got to open up a restaurant. I will. Alright, I'm Ed Larson.

Hello, everybody. I want to thank everyone for their votes on the round table of the year. Things are heating up. Oh my god, is that still happening? Oh, yeah. No, to thank everyone for their votes on the roundtable of the year. Things are heating up. Oh, my God. Is that still happening? Oh, yeah. No, it's going on. Voting takes months.

And right now, I want to say it's a surprise. Andrew Short's in the lead with Jackie Zabrowski right behind her. And how are you getting any votes? How are they? I'm doing okay. No, not you. How are you receiving votes? I get them in through many avenues, mostly Pony Express. And, you know, things are going

great, and I just want to thank everyone for their time, and we'll see what happens. We should have the awards on the 17th or the 24th, depending on how fast I can get everything. Jackie 2016, baby, live! Get rich and die trying! That's it. It's an honor

to be nominated. Thank you guys so much. Please vote for me, Ed Larson. Yep, yep. And it's a shame. Next year, Ben. Am I not nominated again? No. I'm not either.

I love that. I've never been nominated. I'm not nominated this year. I think I've been nominated most. You've been nominated. Yeah, you've been nominated. Holden's been nominated. Jackie's been nominated.

Several times. This is my first nomination. First nomination. First nomination. Henry's never been nominated. No. None of it times. This is my first nomination. First nomination. First nomination. Henry's never been nominated. No. None of it's real. So that'll be January 17th.

It's all real. It's something that we do every year. Right. And it's real. Technically, it is real because it does continue to happen. Yeah, it's real like Batman's real. Like Batman, you cannot deny that Batman is real. Yeah, but how many people voted for Batman?

Millions. Uh-huh. Unfortunately, we haven't had him on the show yet. So that'll be January 17th or January 24th, whenever you can figure it out. Whenever I can get the time to count the thousands and millions of votes. And that'll be just right here at the Creek in the Cave. Be here right at the Creek in the Cave in this room, actually. Oh, is that right?

We're not going to try to go pull off one in the theater again? Don't do that no more. No, and why not? Because no one comes. No one comes. That's right. Okay, is that right? We're not going to try to go pull off one in the theater again? Don't do that no more. No, and why not? Because no one comes. No one comes. That's right. Okay, good. Good point. Let's always remember that for 2016. No one comes. Oh, man, I can't wait. I go all the time, maybe.

All right, keep it in your wand. Disgust me. Not me. I'm dry as a bone. Very good. I will say, I loved your YouTube video. You were playing with Holden McNeely on Twitch, and I actually had a great time. And you know what, Eddie? The Gorski, that's a great last name. I don't know.

It's Gorski. Listen to the way it sounds coming out of a mouth. Gorski. That sounds nasty. That's a Polish royal name. Honestly, Zebrowski is also a Polish royal name. It sounds horrible coming out of your mouth.

It means human baton. It's just ugly. Holtnators, ho! No, it's 2016. We've got some PlayStation Network shoutouts. Octofish wants me to tell Carmichael Jones that I might be his brain worm. Chunks V3 is a fucking dickbag ass fuck.

This part of the show gets worse every time. ScoobyDoober911 wants us to call him the worst thing you can think of. Ed, what do you got for us? Call him Holden McNeely. I was going to say the same thing. Cuntly McNeely. Cuntly McNeely. And on the rag is not ashamed to be a Holdenator.

Thank you on the rag. And you can catch more of my Twitch streams. I'm going to have Plug It right now at the top of the show. If everybody wants to do plugs. We also got a show this Saturday. And you can come check Holdenator's show on the Twitch page. No, it is literally the only thing that you've proactively done to accelerate your career in a positive direction. In what, five years?

It's his only time he's ever independently tried to do anything with any sort of remote effort. Send me a private message on Facebook if you would like my address if you would like to send me money. And it's because technology just caught up with Holden's laziness. He found a way to record him so he doesn't have to leave his couch.

But the thing is, like, it won't help. But I love the idea. Please, Kevin, again, consider him to play a butler in your show. Consider him to play a retarded newspaper man. Sure. Who sells newspapers that he buys from a newspaper boy. Or just cast him as the newspaper. He just shouts the news.

It's November 11th! It's gotta be 74 today, you nukes! I will happily receive money. Hit me up on Facebook. I will give you my address and you may give me money. No one give him money. No one's giving him money.

Kevin, you're here. You were busy writing a show. You're doing very well. Yeah, yeah. You know, everything's fine. No one give him money. No one's giving him money. Kevin, you're here. You were busy writing a show. You're doing very well. Yeah, yeah. You know, everything's fine. I'm here, man. 2016, man. We're back.

Back, man. Kevin, have you thought about crowdfunding? Crowdfunding? Yeah. Reaching out to the internet, just saying, hey, give me money. I'm a man. He doesn't need it. Hold it.

I got a lot of money. I'm actually sitting between two people who are borderline future millionaires. A hundred dollar sweater I'm wearing. This is amazing. Henry Zebrowski is here. Is that true? Yeah, you fucks. Sitting on a pile of coins.

I'm sitting between a combined six shows on TV right now, I believe. It's weird to say, but yes. Why does no one know who we are? That's the fascinating thing. I work so hard. I'm on three different television shows. Countless hours, not sleeping. Nobody gives a shit.

Oh, we're supposed to be feeling fucking bad for you? I know, I feel so bad for the slugs. I'm not saying to feel bad. I'm just saying it is interesting. It's interesting. Oh, my God. I'm going to be on Red Eye on Fox News at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Babe, that's a great show. It is a good show. It's a great show. Yeah, you're sitting next to one degree to Jamie Kennedy or whatever. You made it, Henry. That's great. All right. Well, what a fun time.

Yeah. Sure. How many combined Twitter followers do we got in this room right now? Oh, my God. Hundreds. What do you want on Twitter? Where are you at? Oh, I just broke 9,000 this weekend.

Oh, damn. Go check them out. Isn't it weird how there's some ladies who just got big old titties who just got like nine times what you have after all the work you've put in? And I understand it, and I approve. Yeah, I get it. I 100% get it. Yeah, totally. I'm at 8,700.

Wow, okay. So Kevin's beating you. Yes, of course. Wow. I'm closing in at 5,400. Jackie, where are you at? I'm at a cool 1,600 I think. Damn. We gotta do a little round table race I think this year. I don't tweet very often though, so I feel like I'm doing pretty good. Every time I tweet, I lose. Yeah, I lose got to do a little round table race I think this year. I don't tweet very often though so I feel like I'm doing

pretty good. Every time I tweet I lose. Yeah I lose followers a lot when I tweet off. Sometimes though I like to just randomly tell people to unfollow me. Just like tweet just unfollow me please and I'll drop like 40 or 50 followers. I've done it several times.

That's perfect. Anti-Twitter Twitter. All right, Marcus, I guess we should do the first news story of the 2016 year. Let's do it. A man told police that... Hit that cowbell while you're at it. Watch it. Dumb court is in session.

Dumb court. A man told police that he was trying to quote-unquote time travel after crashing his car through the offices of a shopping center and coming out the other side. The Dodge Challenger plowed through a wall in Pensacola, Florida, taking out a wall,

connecting a financial advisor's to a coffin making business. This is perfect. I think the Dodge Challenger is the perfect car for this. It's just kind of crazy. That is true. What about the Challenger?

I mean, that's the thing that exploded, of course. Yeah, that was the first Challenger out of the gate. It exploded. Twelve scientists. Not this one. This one drives

through fucking malls. This is what we allowed science to let us succeed in is puncturing malls. Yeah. I think it's fucking awesome. I agree. Where's Doc Brown?

Where's Doc Brown? He's got to keep asking unless someone answers. Well, the uninjured driver told police before going to the hospital for evaluation Uninjured! This is a great, get a Dodge Challenger. Good car. I love this story.

Sally McBride, that was the name of the female astronaut that died on the first challenge. No, no. It was Krista McCullough. Sally Bride. Susan McArthur? I thought it was Sally Ride. Sally Ride died of natural causes four years ago.

Sally Ride. Everybody gets one. Yeah, yeah. She was an acclaimed scientist. As long as you got a fucking vagina. Yeah, and a PhD. She was a lesbian, yeah. She died in a Subaru.

Acclaimed scientist. Right. This, at a PhD. She was a lesbian, yeah. She died in a Subaru. Acclaimed scientists. This is how they died. This man lived, though. This man, he thought he was time traveling by driving through a mall totally fine. Rightfully so. Stephen Hawking is a question mark in a chair.

And this man is fine. I mean, I love the idea. The thought process is all there. He said that he had been attempting to travel through time before the crash. The general manager of advanced tax services, Emmanuel Mores, said, It looked like a bomb went off. I was mad. Then eventually, I was happy.

Because no one was hurt. You know that my biggest concern, I was happy. Because no one was hurt. You know that my biggest concern, because if anyone was hurt, anybody could have died or whatever. Totally. It sounds like Mr. Moraes' hiding book. Consumerism's down, man. No one's going to the mall anymore.

Everyone's ordering online. I'm happy this happened at the tax joint, though. That's wonderful. If you are paying taxes, you should hope a charger comes and runs you over. It's a challenger, not a charger. A charger would have time traveled. All right, fine. Is that true?

Yes. All right, if anybody in the round table is listening right now, if you drive a charger, I want you right now, if you're listening in your car. Not one fan. Take it up to 88.

And just keep going. You're going to go and see your mom to almost fuck you in a parking lot. You idiot. Yeah, but the volume will go up on your radio the faster you go. Judge the Char Char Banks. But that didn't have anything to do with time travel.

Yeah, 88 miles per hour. It's what happened back to the future. And then Marty McFly went and he almost fucked his own mother. He slurped on her spot. I would have fucked her. We know. We know. I would have fucked her. We know.

To be honest, though. If I had a daughter, real quick, and my last name was Ride, I'd change my fucking last name as a courtesy. Just throwing it out there. Who knows what it was in, like, Dick Pouch? What? Dick Pouch Ride. She was gay.

Yeah, whatever. It wasn't Clamslapper. It was gay. Yeah. Whatever. It wasn't clam slapper. It was a group of clam slapper. And all she does is a clit pounder. My name is Grunta Clit Pounder. Clam slapper. That would have made it to the funny weddings page on the Jay Leno program. Remember that? The Tonight Show.

He used to do the funny name mashups. Whatever happened to him? Jay Leno. He's got a TV show about cars. Yeah. He's rich. It's called V's got a TV show about cars. Yeah. It's called Vroom Vroom Goes the Car Show.

Yeah. Thursdays. It replaced Heroes. Thursdays, NBC. Heroes Reborn is still on January 7th

at 8 p.m. on Thursday. How long is the season of television? We took a Christmas break. When does the season end? I only saw Love of God

keep one of my three television shows on the air. It's like the Schindler's List of television seasons. It's never ending. I watched it, and I fell asleep before you came on screen. I never woke up. It's a good show. It is a good show.

There's a lot of action in it. I don't know. There's an Asian in it, and then four blacks. Yep. There's four black people? Yeah, we're umping it. Is Blade in it? That's why it's not successful.

That's too many. You can't have that many black people. No, but they're all villains. They hedge their bets on that one. That ain't right, man. But we have a very good Mexican man, and he's a good man. Jesus, is it on UPN? Do you know any other names?

He's a real Mexican. He's white Mexican. No, Ryan Guzman is full Mexican. Yeah, but not in the terms of Mexican. Oh, he absolutely is. More like Wayne Snoozman. Am I right? That is a funny joke, though.

Snoozman as opposed to Guzman because Ed was watching the show that Henry has on TV and he fell asleep because the show was so boring. He is an MMA fighter. Isn't that something? NBC, you horses! That's great.

Well, you've been really nice to the people on the way up, so the way down is going to be fun for you too. I have to know! That's what I'm saying, yeah. Give me that $100 sweater! I would. I'd give you a shit off my back. I'd want you a soda stream. My God. We're watching

something here. We're watching a man change a man crumble. Yeah. Heroes Reborn is my only shot. Snoop Dogg. It's tragic. Kevin, how many whites are in your show? We haven't shot nothing yet, man. How many are you going to choose to put in? As little as possible.

But we're not going to fill it full of black people and Mexicans. It's going to be fun minorities. What the fuck? A Vietnamese. You know, Mongolians. Oh, yeah. Just like the rare ones. And a Hmong.

Put Hmong in more things. Do Mongolians act? Yes. No. They lie, I tell you that much. They grunt. It's a form of acting. They grunt a lot.

Include that on the record, your honor. Yes. If you would, please. This is a dumb court episode. The only Mongolian actor I can find is Baljinyaman Amrsekan. And isn't that just fun to say? It is fun. 38 letters in this guy's name.

Yeah. How many in? He was in Thief of the Mind in 2011 and Trapped Abroad in 2014. That's a reality show. He's a reenactor. And it's not a crime to think about stealing.

No, no, no. Thief of the Mind won the Grand Prix for Best Film in the 2012 Mongolian Academy Awards. It won two Mongolian Emmys. Oh my god, you know one of it's just a 60mm fucking video of a chicken climbing a fence. That is a good video. Best comedy. Yeah, that's

a good reward. Can't believe it got a mangi. You'll get one too, Holden. With your Twitch, your Twitch page alone will get a mangi. Most food served on set. This is like a brass statue at Genghis

Khan. Again, I'm trying to soften my image. I feel the Mongolian people are wise. What? They live in the desert. They are wise. No, they're strong. Should children smoke cigarettes? Henry Zebrowski. Who am I to say to dictate anybody else's actions? I say light them up if it relaxes you.

Yeah, it'll make a great flip book. Remember those? Cigarettes are good for people. I want to see more people smoking cigs this year. I gained a lot of weight since I quit. I've gained a little bit of weight. You gained weight before you quit, though. Yeah, I was already working on gaining.

You've got to have a distraction while you're quitting cigarettes. For me, it bit of weight. You gained weight before you quit, though. Yeah, I was already working on gaining. You got to have a distraction while you're quitting cigarettes. For me, it was gaining weight. I wouldn't hire a smoker if I was an employer. All right, so. You smoke, though. I don't smoke. You smoke a lot, though. I smoke twice a week.

More than that. Nuh-uh. I'll say that to my cigarette packs. Am I right, guys? Hey. Hey. All right, so. Jesus Christ, put me All right, so did the car time travel? I want to be in a grave.

I want you in a grave. Jaguars to die. What are we going to do, guys? You'll be buried alive like Stephen Avery is right now, making a murderer. Watch it on Netflix. Oh, he likes Pruno at least. He was making Pruno in his own house.

Pruno is just toilet wine. Yeah. Why wouldn't you make it in your own house? You know, this message board says that most Mongolians are played by Hawaiians. It's all Mexicans. It's all racist. It's a problem, man. That's why I'm trying to give out these opportunities to these young Mongolian actors.

You need to have all Hawaiians in your show. Why would I do something like that? Think about all the sweet hams they'll bring to set. Oh, they got that good bread, too. Yeah. Kings. Living your life like Elvis Presley. Only film in Hawaii, man. That would be dope, man. Coconut chews.

You can get any Hawaiian daughter. There was a time when I found MySpace used to be separated by country and somehow i got into myspace hawaii it was the hottest they were all the hottest chicks oh yeah they got those hips those dirty hips henry it looks like you have a tied up hawaiian child that you're trying to sell kevin right now listen okay yeah I may or may not have a Hawaiian child. You can't see me winking because I don't have one.

No. Here's your board 8 p.m. Thursdays on NBC. But if I were to have one, I would say you could give me upwards of $5,000 that I know you have because we're in the Rich Dudes Club. High five. Don't high five in front of me. We just did it. Right in front rich dudes club. High five. Don't high five in front of me. We just did it. Right over your head. Right in front of your face.

Inches from your nose. Two hands smacked. They barely clipped his nose. Big kiss. He just got to feel the money. I saw a couple of gold coins smack off of the hands. He definitely caught it on the mic. I'm like Scrooge McDuck.

I sleep in pennies. That's why I smell like blood. It's gold coins. Scrooge McDuck did gold coins. I'd hit the bell and tell them to watch it, but they're rich. They're not going to listen to me. Don't got to. I'm above the law.

I barely hear what you say. That's right. I know. Heroes stillborn. Oh, my God. What a fucking bird. Oh, my God. You were on fire. What a fucking bird. It's so easy.

Dolphins beat the Patriots today. Oh, that's why you're all cocky right now. I'm so happy. But what's the overall record? The season's over. Oh, yeah. The season's done. It's technically done.

Yeah, it's done, yeah. We have six wins, eight losses, or ten losses. That's not bad. Six and ten. Not a bad year for the Dolphins. Six good wins though. Yep. And great losses. Who gets the MVP? The Dolphins. Oh yeah. Nobody.

Nobody. Nah. They're just gonna hand them all the participation trophies at a spaghetti warehouse and call it a night. I hear that Zaxby's really good in the Dolphins' fucking stadium. Man, that sauce, though. You could put it on anything.

Yeah, I forgot about their tagline. When they start losing, come on over to Zaxby's. Absolutely craveable chicken, salads, and zapatizers. Salads and zapatizers. Only at Zaxby's. It's the only chicken wings that have nicotine

caffeine injected into them. I like those. I love watching the Miami Dolphins. They're a great football team. So let's see here. The Challenger went through a supermarket. Is 2016 over yet?

Can we just cancel it? The Challenger was in pieces in the Gulf of Mexico. How many days have to go into a year before you can cancel it? 365. You can't cancel years. Only God can cancel years. We can cancel our own years with a noose. Yeah, man can cancel years with an A-bomb, brother.

About 20 of them all over the earth. That is true. Nuclear winner. What are you going to do with your extra day this year, Ben? It's a leap year! So we get an extra day, huh? 366 days as opposed to 365? February 29th, I heard you can commit one felony.

It's like the purge? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'll do then. Your purge? No, I might drive through a supermarket, though, see if I can time travel. Reckless endangerment. Nice felony.

I'm going to steal the Hope Diamond. Yeah? Where's that at? I have to Wikipedia that. I want to go to Paris and hang out in the tunnels, the catacombs with all the skulls and things like that. Oh, I've been there in Paris? Yeah.

Oh, it's super cool, dude. Yeah, it's awesome. A lot of rats. Indiana Jones had a tough time there. It's fun in there. Oh, no, that was Venice. I think I did the Venice one, too, but the Paris one is great. It's like a mile of skulls, wall-to-wall skulls.

Crazy. Marcus Hope Diamond, where it's at? The National Natural History Museum in Washington, D.C. It's also known as Les Bijoux de Roy. Oh, here I come on my Carmi San Diego helicopter. We will, oh, it's February 29th. I will get my revenge on all big diamonds. Very good.

Did we go to that when we were in D.C.? No. It was closed. We went to the Smithsonian. No, we went to Kay's. We wanted to go see the Fonzie's jacket. Every kiss is to Kay's. We wanted to go see the Fonzies jacket. Every kiss was good. We wanted to go see Fonzies jacket.

I did it finally. I didn't realize. I didn't either, honestly, man. I never got that until just now. Yeah. I was pretty proud of myself when I finally figured it out. That's just good marketing, man. Is it?

It took two decades. That's exactly what it is, man. You just keep thinking about it, so finally it pops. Now you got a That's exactly what it is, man. You just keep thinking about it, so finally it pops. Now you've got a whole new world of enjoyment out of that. It's a great place to get an engagement ring when your girlfriend forces you to get an engagement ring from there for her. Post-pregnant. What's your crime going to be, Jackie, on February 29th?

It's the segment. Sloth. No, it's not. Gluttony. That's a biblical crime. Sloth, gluttony. That's a sin. Pride. That's a segment. Sloth. No, it's not. Gluttony. Gluttony. That's a biblical crime. Sloth, gluttony. Gluttony. That's a biblical crime.

That's a sin. Pride. That's a filthy sin. Never pride. No, no. That one, she was a model, and she got her face cut off. Is sex one? No, it's lust.

Lust. You can't just say sex. Sex is one. Tap dance. 2016. Public sex for Jackie, I think. Public sex. That's not a felony.

That needs to be less. I would love to be arrested for that. It is a that's not a felony that needs to be less I would love to be arrested totally a felony what yeah because there's always a kid around and then next thing you know you've exposed yourself

to a minor they throw the book at everybody you can put a charge on one charge no longer exists I don't think that it should be in Europe

everyone's topless everyone's naked constantly having sex with one another at wine bars I think it's fun when I see someone fucking in public

it just gets me harony I don't mind it. Isn't that fun? There was a person a couple of weeks ago who was banging on the beach in, I believe, Florida and yeah, they're looking at like 25 years imprisonment because of it. Oh, he was on probation. Isn't that less than what Jared

Fogle got? Jared Fogle bought children. Jared Fogle got less. Yeah, you would text and get them. For you to do this, to get a felony, Jackie, you'd have to do it with someone under 15. They're just not experienced enough. I don't know. Maybe there's some of those football players. You talking about Dylan?

You talking about the Panthers? Might be talking about some of them Panthers. What about Carolina Panthers? Friday Night Lights, watch it on NBC, 9 o'clock. I wish. I'll watch it. I'll watch it to the end of time. Right?

Like, that one really took off. Friday Night Lights? Oh, the show? It was so good. It was reborn as a show. It's a binge watcher. Yeah, binge follows sleeper. I'm not going to do it.

Friday Night Lights? I'm not going to it Friday night lunch I'm not gonna watch it People bought it on DVD Yeah Sexy I've seen I've watched the whole Series like twice now How many seasons

Like five Five I've watched all And they're all Hour long episodes I've seen them I've seen them all They're great

I don't like dramas Featuring young boys Finger your girlfriend While you do it They're not that young though They're in their 20s They're in their 20s Yeah It's a bang session You finger your girlfriend while you do it. They're not that young, though. They're in their 20s. They're in their 20s, yeah. It's a bang session.

You finger your girlfriend while you're watching it. Because all you want to do is fuck the people in the show, so you fuck whatever you got laying around instead. For Friday Night Live. No, they're not kids. They're in their early 20s. In real life, but on the show, they're children. Yeah, they're sexy.

They rule the school. They rule it, dude. People win games. He's in his fucking, he's in his boxer briefs. He opens up the refrigerator and just like takes out a beer.

Grabs out a beer. He's like, you're too young. He's 16 years old. Do seniors come back and clean up with the poon? They do. Oh.

Well, Rigg, I mean, we're talking about Riggins. Yeah, Riggins. Well, he comes back and like, they want the poon about riggins oh yeah riggins well he comes back and like they want the biggest is like a dude right go find weed just to sell to him just to like feel cool he's 12 years old men want to be him women want to fuck him he's like 17 in the show he's a 17 year old child god damn he's a he's a man he's a 17 year old man you guys have

too much admiration for a child well either way either way, that was five against me. I want him to teach me. John Riggins. Is it John Riggins? Tim Riggins. Tim Riggins. John Riggins was a running back. It's Rigg Riggins.

That's right. His first name is Rigg, which is short for Riggard. Riggard Riggins is his full name. I just wish this were page seven so I could talk about Oscar Isaac, and I know I'm not allowed to talk about him. Is he in the show? No, he's not at all, but we watched Star Wars last night. Yeah, we went and saw Star Wars last night.

Great stuff. Oh, it's Fandes. My second time seeing it. I think he's gay in the movie. Yes. I think Poe's gay. Poe's gay with Finn. They're going to be gay together.

You watch this. They're going to bump stick. Why is this the second time I've heard this? It's an interracial gay relationship. It's cold. No, America's not ready, man. They don't write that shit. Bit of a spoiler.

Bit of a spoiler. Oh, they suck dicks. Ridiculous. They love each other. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. They see each other. I'll watch it.

Well, let's not ruin Star Wars forever. No, it doesn't ruin it. They love each other. They say episode eight is going to be weird. That's what the guy who made District 9. They love each other. They say episode eight is going to be weird. That's what the guy who made District 9, he said he's directing. He said it's going to be weird. I bet it's going to start with him opening up the fucking Finn's fly, and you're going to see his dark pubic hair.

And he's just going to go, oh, I love sprinkles on my cone. And then he's going to start licking the pubic hair, and that's how Star Wars eight's going to start. It's like, oh, no, not on Dagobah. Oh, no. Is he going to be flying a right. It's like, oh, no, not on Dagobah. Oh, no. Is he gonna be flying a plane while it's happening, though? Because then that's... That's dangerous.

Oh, man. Space head. Man, I would love to give space head. You are flying at light speed, and you're just slobbing on a knob. And you're just so scared. Like, when's the light speed gonna end? I don't think it'll work right, man. Where does it go?

Gravity's all fucked up. I don't think I'd like it. Light speed suck blowing? No, no, no. You don't want that. Right. I heard that Ray, the female lead, she comes out her butt.

Wow. Yeah. Jot who? Roger that, Ian. I don't like the cowbell. Yeah, the cowbell's very good. It's nice to be around. You gotta change the show a little bit every year.

Cowbell this year. Yeah, that's right. Do you think they'll show full, like, him actually, like, choking on his cock, like in the movie Brown Bunny? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, it'll be a very Sasha Gray experience. He'd suck a dick. God damn, he is beautiful. Who would suck

a dick? I think Oscar Isaac as an actor would have the bravery to suck dick in Star Wars 8. Truly suck dick. Not simulated, like actual, like, pornography level. Vincent Gallo will be in episode 8. Also there, it's going to be like,

oh, thank God, I also brought my fucking saber tape. You mean Vincent Price? Is that the accent you're doing? No, it's Vince Gallop. That's Vince Gallop? Vince Price talks like this. You suck my dick!

A Shakespearean way of sucking my dick! And he will actually be playing the part of the Ninco moon. So he will be the full moon of the planet. But who will play Galanthior from planet Zarklaus, whose butt's got four holes? What's the function of each hole? One's two. Well, two's for ins and two's for outs.

No, there's one for spitting. Yeah, well, one is also one you can do the rim around it and it goes... Oh, like glass. It's an asshole. And one of the assholes just spits at people. Yeah, like just spitting. And it goes hi, hi, hi in seven languages.

Go hi, ciao, amore. Yakimoto. That's hi. In what? Yonder. You never know. I saw Carol last night. How was it? Oh, secret lesbians.

Talking about gulch fillers. It was 3 a.m. I got a bunch of Taco Bell and a joint and some beer, and I watched Carol, and I didn't like it. Okay. Good movie review. Rooney Mara shows him but Cate Blanchett

always seems to find her back towards the camera. She used to show him a lot but then she stopped showing him. When did she show him? Pussytown USA. Fucking Titanic, you idiots. No, it's Winslet. Oh, Winslet. Cate Blanchett.

You remember Cate Blanchett was in Rudy 2, the one where she played the retarded woman that wanted to be a stripper and all the other strippers were like, you're too dumb to strip. You let me take my clothes off. They said that they all rooted for her, that she got up in there and forced Whitaker. That's why it's called Rudy 2. Yeah. Yeah. Be Rudy 2

for you. You gotta Google Cate Blanchett Showsum. Not nude. Cate Blanchett Showsum. Is that apostrophe E-M? Automatically correct. No, it's just a picture

of her in a pink pantsuit. Ew, that's a bad pink pantsuit. It's a very nice suituit. It's a very nice suit there. It's too big. Yeah, probably. Rudy Mara's also in this suit. Yeah. A lot of people wearing that terrible pink pantsuit. Yep. Is that for

pussy? I like it. Terrible pink pussy pantsuit. Okay. My pussy's not that pink. Yeah, she's a real slut. I don't think anyone accused her of not that pink She's a real slut We know what dollar it is No it's a brown Why is it brown Jackie?

I don't know I think it's the dirt and soil It's because it's been smoking for years That's where all the nicotine comes out It drips out of my pussy This is great You bring it out like a towel. 2016's going to be a really good year for everybody.

The cancer just drips right out. Alright. Kind of a fun little Guthrie type pussy. I love Guthrie. I love Guthrie's chicken fingers. Woody Guthrie? You all had four different Guthrie's. I was thinking Arlo Guthrie. I was thinking of the chicken place.

Yeah, we got the best Guthrie's, man. That's the chicken spot. They have a Guthrie's in Cincinnati. No. Really? Is it the same thing? Yeah. Do they have the wine and cheese sauce?

No, that wasn't Guthrie's. That was the fucker's. Chubby's. Chubby's Chicken Wrap. Oh, wine and cheese sauce. What's in it? Chubby's Chicken Wrap at three in the morning. Greatest meal of all time.

You've never had a better meal, and you've never been so fat and immobile in your fucking life. And then they would do their fries like a loaded baked potato with all the cheese and the bacon. God, I just want to blend it in a blender, and I just want to choke it through an IV tube into my own fucking belly. The Guthrie sauce? Yeah, all of it. Or the wine and cheese sauce. The whole meal, just put it in a blender. That's Chubby's you're talking about.

Are y'all talking about Guthrie's fried chicken? That's what I'm talking about. We were talking about Chubby's fried chicken, which is the other place in Tallahassee that has the wine and cheese sauce. But Chubby's does a better rap. But it's only a drive-thru, so you have to be drunk driving to get it. It's dangerous. it's only a drive-thru, so you have to be drunk driving to get it.

It's dangerous. They both are only drive-thru. No, no, you can go into Guthrie's. You can go into Guthrie's. You only go into Guthrie's if you don't have a home. That is true. I did it a couple times.

I went in there a bunch of times. Like the man that threw up all over the bus I was on earlier. He didn't have a home either. That's just because he saw your face. Was he on the bus or on the street? He was on the bus. It's worse.

Oh, yeah. He threw up all over a bunch of people. Oh. Yeah, no. It was interesting to watch. So he was just standing, like, was he standing up on the bus? No, he was sitting by where all the elderly and handicapped people should be sitting. Up front, yeah.

And he was obviously drunk and he just spewed all over everyone that was sitting around him. So was it like a sprinkler type situation where he turned his head and there was pressure going the entire time? I watched him because I was sitting further back and I watched him

as he puked in his hand a little bit and then all of a sudden he went, and then he puked all over the woman next to him and then he tried

to get it away from her and then he spewed it all over the people across from him. So it was like when you put your thumb on a water hose and it shoots out fast.

Yes, exactly. He was like trying to stop it. Like when Walter's boyfriend puked on everybody on New Year's Eve. Oh my God, I forgot about that. Very good. Okay, fun conversations had by all.

Marcus, what's the next news story? Oh, we've got a heartwarming one. Oh. There's a heartwarming Christmas story. There's magic in the evening and there's magic in the air. It's over, Henry. Christmas is fucking dead for the year. Is that a Christmas song?

Yeah, it's a Muppet Christmas Carol. You monster. Ben, you're a criminal. You're a bastard. You're a mugger. You suck. No, why are you... Henry, don't do this. Get the torches.

I thought you were being softer. No, you should have. I thought you were starting to posse. No, you should have. I ran down, too. I thought you were starting a posse. No, not against Kissel. He's too big. That's true. It'll be tough.

That's why you need a posse. That's the whole point. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to almost kill you. No problem, Henry. And you don't even have to touch me in real life because it's a recorded show. He's touching him. He touches his shoulder in a way of friendly good together.

He's also just in the moment, man. All right, all right, all right, all right. It's not a show. He's genuinely reaching out, having a moment. Let me get to the mushy center of you. What does it feel like to be touched by him? Let yourself go to it. Do you feel the money? Do you just feel all the success?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. Heroes stillborn. Heroes reborn. It's 8 p.m. on Thursdays. And I got to tell you, this week it's God, Heroes stillborn. Heroes reborn. It's 8 p.m. on Thursdays. And I got to tell you, this week it's just getting ramped up. We're just starting, really. Just starting.

And now you're touching my cheek. Four things that you think are fun about Kissel's face. Okay. I like when Kissel. Say his lips. I like his lips. Obviously, that's his most obvious good feature is his lips. Very nice. I like when his hair looks tousled because it makes him look like a bad boy, like he

just got off a motorcycle. But I know for a fact he didn't because he has a problem with balance. Like Vince Neil. I like his nose. I think it's regal. I like his... You have a perfect off-track bedding five o'clock shadow. Perfect.

Good. And your eyes are well-proportioned to your forehead. All right. Very nice. You have an appropriate amount of bags under your eyes are well proportioned to your forehead. All right. Very nice. You have an appropriate amount of bags under your eyes. Constantly tired. Yeah. But like constantly roguish.

And your ears are six inches long. That's right. But that's just because of the rest of you. Right. You need to hear much more. And I imagine your ear canals are at least a quarter wide. Nice. Very good.

I feel like you could catch a football with one of those nostrils. I might be able to do it. I can shove 15 quarters. 15 quarters up my nose. You tried it? I did it in high school. Why would you do that? Well, to crush.

Yeah, to make a bunch of friends. To crush what? My friend had foreskin that he would put Skittles in. And he would pop those out i just it's like between making a murder and your life had all those quarters i never want to go to midwest skittles yep so i could put a bunch of quarters up in the old nose honestly watching making a murder made me realize that like i've been to wisconsin but i feel like i went to like the like rich part of Wisconsin and watching Make You Murder made me realize

where you came from. Guess who? Manitowoc. I did not come from Manitowoc County but I came from Portage County and there are some shout outs to Portage in the show. Nice. Listen for those. Is the system broken as badly in Portage as it is in Manitowoc? Yes.

Were they the ones that arrested you for shitting on a car? No, I never got arrested for that. One would say it is doing in the eyes of the law. You shit on a sign, too. This is statute of limitations of shitting on a car. Seven years. I don't think so. There's not a lot to do in Wisconsin.

Understandable. Yeah, he was making a brownie mobile. I'm not even sure if the story is true Well let's Well let's check out this Christmas story I love Christmas stories Marcus There's magic in the air No it's over

It's dead I hate Christmas Well let's do this story Unlike most kids this Christmas Four year old Jabiah Wells didn't wish for toys. Instead, Sanum brought him the one gift he truly wanted, new trash cans from the local garbage man. Mom Rachel Dickwell of...

Really? That's the last name we're talking about. You gotta change that. That's a bad one. It's actually Dick and Well are two different words. Rachel is worse. Dick Well. Yeah, they changed it.

Yeah. Yes, they changed it. She got upgraded from Dick Bad. Thank God it's not my last name. Yep. Well, Dick Well's mom of four said her son, Joe Bia, took a liking. Dick Well. Holden Dickwell

is the best name I've ever heard in my entire life and Holden Dickwell has to be a character on Kevin's what it is you think it's someone

who like fucks really good but the thing is it's actually a well that you send a bucket down and it just comes up with a whole bucket of dicks it could be

got Jeffrey Dahmer's fucking Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. That's right. Holding dick well. But they're all moving. Yeah, it could just be a hole in the earth made of dicks. Just like lined with dicks the entire time. I thought it was like an umbrella

garbage can for dicks and that's what this woman was. Go down to the dick well. Make a wish. I'm hoping your wish is for fucking thimbles full of cum. This nickel's mine, I'm taking it back! I'm taking it back! Oh, Jimmy fell down the well

and he's cumming! Oh no. Well, Dick Wells, a mom of four, said her son, Jobiah, took a liking to helping out the city's sanitation workers as soon as he was able to walk. That's such a bad name. Joe Baya already is a terrible name. Why don't you go Joe Baya Dickwell?

No, it's Joe Biden Dickwell. This is my question. So were they made out of green felt? And were they in fact from Sesame Street? And were they, in fact, from Sesame Street? And are they, in fact, from the race of grouches? Well, Wells said it's an obsession, and we have to go and tell him it's not his job everywhere. He's really into his trash cans. He loves the drivers, and all the neighbors have really gotten into it as well.

Aaron Wilson, a sanitation worker for the city of Folsom, and one of the two men who work the block, said he is flattered that little Joe Baia considers them hometown heroes. Wilson said garbage men aren't always considered top-notch guys. I don't feel that way myself. But when you see a little boy look to you like you're something special and you're just trying to do your job, it makes you feel good. The problem's in the name, man. The moment

they named that kid Joe Baia, and you the kid was a slave, he's only going to have slave aspirations. He's out there looking to trash people like they're heroes. That really started to make me think. Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street is supposed to be a homeless person.

An angry homeless person. He's not supposed to be. He person. Yeah. Right? Yeah, he lives in the garbage. An angry homeless person. He's not supposed to be. He is. Yeah. But it's a monster. He could have lived anywhere. No, he can't.

That was his home. He made that money for rent. Yeah. He wasn't homeless. That was his home. No one likes monsters. That's why they're monsters. Yeah, when do monsters get a skeleton key to the town?

They can't live anywhere. He's a homeless man. You're damaged. I'm just saying, I'm surprised there's some reason I always kind of be like, oh, that's Oscar's house. But then I started realizing, like, no, they just put him in the trash like he's trash. No, maybe he chooses

to live in the trash. I think that's why. I think part of the reason why he's a fucking grouch is because they made him live in the trash and I think it's just a matter of time before he gets his revenge. They've addressed this on so many episodes it's ridiculous. Have they? Yes, they talk about it all the time. I don't think they do.

They do. This is the first time I've seen you show emotion in years. I'm just starting to think that Oscar the Grouch is going to become a Sesame Street sniper looking for revenge.

But then they know exactly where to find him. It's going to be a short... Snipers have to be on roofs. Is he going to have a garbage can on a roof? You ever seen him outside of the garbage can? You'll have to get the. Snipers have to be on roofs. Is he going to have a garbage can on a roof? You ever seen him outside of the garbage can? You'll have to get the

fucking Snuffleupagus to haul his ass up the fucking shits and be like, don't worry, Snuffleupagus is fake. You're one of the good ones, Snuffleupagus. It doesn't exist. Oscar can't see him. Yeah, but you just have to believe in his imagination, man. You fucking asshole. There's magic in the air

now. There's magic in the air now. There's magic in the air. Stuffy is fake. Holden Dickwell. For mayor. I love that this kid... For a town prostitute. That's for sure. If he lives up to the name. I'll hold it, but

I won't fucking jerk it, baby. I'll hold it good, but you ain't getting it to jerk. That's fine. You gotta give me four clams for a jerk. That's where the song Hold On Loosely But Don't Let Go comes from. Hold on loosely but don't let go. It's really about jerking, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that about jerking it?

Hold on loosely. You know, don't jerk it off too hard. But, you know, if you let go, I'm not going to come. I think it's about being in a relationship. Good for you. Actually, yeah. I thought it was about being in a relationship. Good for you. I thought it was about mountain climbing. No, that's Jimmy don't take that number.

That's about relationships. No, that's Jimmy don't lose that number, and it's about drug dealers. That's Heely Dan. Is that a drug dealer thing? I thought it was Janie don't lose that number. Jimmy don't lose that number. No, it's Ricky don't lose that number. Ricky don't lose that number. So we've just lived vicariously like a drunken shit night with all these assholes. I'm a... Ricky, don't lose that. Ricky, don't lose that. Oh, God.

So we've just lived vicariously like a drunken shit night with all these assholes. Pretty much. This is what it's like to be in our lives, and aren't you lucky? You're the only listener. I think my brain doesn't work properly anymore. I think I'm drunken into oblivion.

I did the math, and I have been drunk for four years. You don't know how to do the math. And I have not been sober once. You're not drunk enough to not do the math. Sober enough for me. No, it's good, Henry.

It's a new year and we're the same. Magic in the air, man. So Ricky, don't you lose that number. This was all a dick gun you got to... It doesn't matter. It's like I'm in some sort of purgatory. All right.

The Zebrowskis. What a bunch. Why did we get the fall for that? Why is it us? I don't know. Why is it you? I'm a guest on this show. A lot. Whoa. Whoa. I'm a guest on the show. A lot.

Whoa. Whoa. A guest a lot. It's true. It is true. One would say you're on the show. Pretty much. Right.

Pretty much, yeah. Technically the longest running show you're on. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Let me do the math. One plus, one the math one plus one plus

one plus oh man yeah I've been on this show for a while I was on the third episode yeah it is Ricky don't lose that number it is and by the way Oscar the Grouch's garbage can It is Ricky, don't lose that number. It is Ricky. It totally is.

And by the way, Oscar the Grouch's garbage can is a portal way to Grouchland. No. Yeah, Elmo discovered that. That's disgusting. How did he get in the trash can? Elmo and Grouchland. Grouch was off somewhere else. Elmo went to Grouchland because Huxley, the evil.

Came a child molester. Exactly. I was about to say, Grouchland's Michael Jackson's secret room. Wait, is this like Elmo's a pedophile? Elmo fucked kids. Elmo is secretly a 47

year old, I'm afraid to say it, black man, Kevin. And you know what his name is? Fucking Kevin. His name is fucking Kevin. Kevin Clash. Yeah, but the kid was like 16 and he wanted to be with him. And he drugged him up.

It doesn't matter. He didn't drug him up. You voice Elmo. You can't. You just can't. Consensual relationship. There was more than just him. Yeah, he bought a bunch of prostitutes.

Prostitutes are fine. When they're old enough. But that guy was consensual. I remember when Lawrence Taylor bought his underage prostitute. That does suck. And they asked him about it. Do you remember what happened? Lawrence Taylor bought a 16-year-old prostitute.

And they asked him about it. And he said, well, it was too good of a deal to pass up. Well, sometimes you buy a shirt that's too small because it's on sale. That was incredible. Gotta use that in your stand-up. I'm being legitimate right now. You need to use it in my stand-up comedy. Write it down in one of your joke books.

Thank you. You have a book you write it down in? Yeah, I have a joke book. What's the difference between Snooki and a dumpster? In Atlanta. And a dumpster in Atlanta. There's an alive baby in the dumpster. Which was a funny joke. But she had a child.

And I got to meet Snooki. And I met Snooki. She told a joke? I did not tell her the joke. You didn't tell Snooki the joke? No. You should have had drunk Ed with you. Then you would have definitely heard the joke. Yeah, she would have loved it.

Hey, Stucky, come here. Come here, Stucky. Your bear friend is yelling at me, man. Yeah. I didn't realize that he could bring talking bears backstage to the splooge awards where I'm at. You look like a fish.

Yeah, she was a nice You look like a fish. Yeah. She was a nice person. Bears love fish. Bears do love fish. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, we've got lots to change about ourselves. It's New Year's resolutions. But instead of giving it to ourselves, we're going to give it to each other.

So let's begin this drunken New Year's resolution. I'm going to start off. You have to give it to someone other. So let's begin this Drunken New Year's Resolutions. I'm going to start off. You have to give it to someone else. Marcus is going to choose the person who has to actually follow through with their given resolution this year. I'm going to give mine to Ed Larson. Thank you. And the resolution is Smoke Weed with Jimi Hendrix.

Oh. Want me to die? Yeah. Well, I think that maybe we can figure out a way to do one of those things where we temporarily kill him and then bring him back, like in some kind of- Flatliners. Yeah. Oh, I love Flatliners.

Oh, you gotta do that when they're fresh, though. You can't- you have to do it when they're fresh. You can't bring back Jimmy now. Yeah, yeah. They've gotta be on the edge. No, he's gonna die. He's gonna see the light. He's gonna smoke weed with Jimmy and bring him back.

I think that the science has changed a little bit since Flatliners to make it happen. You're probably right. I haven't looked into it, but you're probably right. You can just drive a Challenger through the mall, man. Dang. Cast us made of sand, baby. Fall in the sea. Eventually.

I just see Ed fighting through heaven going like where's Jimmy I need to find Jimmy Hedrick I smoked this fucking joint with him the only one we can find is oh this is Jeremy Renner's grandfather yeah the only thing I'm known for is being Jeremy Renner's grandfather

and they didn't even know that about me while I was alive. Let's get stoned, old man! I loved him in X-Men. Kevin, who are you giving a resolution to? Oh, yeah. All right. Resolution. Ben.

Thank you. Your New Year's resolution should be to go to Australia and stay there forever. Don't come back. They are good people. Just going to be there and just be hot. Wearing a sweater the whole time. I have a lot of Australian listeners, females who love me very much. No, I'm talking about in the shrub, Matt.

You just stand out. No shade. Just in the middle of the sky. You can see all the stars in the sky. There's no Barbies there, though. I hear the indigenous people sing their history in songs passed down from father to father. And what do those songs sound like, Henry?

So Middle East. Now we're on National Geographic. Yeah, and they play the didgeridoo. And that song's about how you gotta make sure to blow the penis and lick the vagina. Yeah, and they have scorpions there. In Australia? Yeah, they're gonna bite your dick.

All right. You gotta keep it low to the ground, then. Maybe you can find a couch to sleep on and you can didgeridoo-doo all over it. I remember that. Another potentially false accusation. Ben Kissel, who do you want to give a right? Who needs most likely to improve most needed an improvement? I am going to say immediately so far these New Year's resolutions have been more like curses and banishments.

Yeah, at this point. No, let's say I'll do a Holden McNeely for your New Year's resolution. Let us get you stretchy pants. Buy stretchy pants. Stretchier pants. Stretchier pants. Okay. So that as you gain weight, they gain weight with you.

Okay. And you're running, so maybe losing it. Or losing it or gaining it. Just you have somebody around you giving you a little hug all the time. Yeah. I would say the thing that got me to start running and eating better is my pants are getting harder to get into. So stretchy pants would solve the problem and then cut out all that just extra time trying to fix my life. Are you to the point where like putting on your pants makes you a little out of breath?

Yeah. Or sort of. Yeah. In the morning it's like, I'll look at the pants and I'm not excited about the day. Like, I'll just say that much, right? So I like that, what Ben is saying, because

I get in the pants and I'm not sad about the day. And when you order delivery, run to the door. Run to the door in my studio apartment. Little things. Make up those calories. Little things. I love it.

Henry? Mine is for Marcus. It's a three-pronged one. Number one, don't take no shit from anybody. Oh, yeah. Number two, don't take no for an answer. Number three, eat more candy corn. I love candy corn.

That's actually a good one. Not bad. Yeah, candy corn. You like candy corn, though? Love candy corn. Really? Yeah. Circus peanuts, too.

He's a good friend to have around, though, because, you know, when you've got the bag full of stuff and you want the good stuff and you're like, who do I give the bad stuff He'll eat the detritus. Yeah. The garbage. The roughage. Special dark. I prefer it above all else. He's like the rat from Charlotte's Web.

What's his smorgasbord? What was his name? Templeton. Templeton. He's like Templeton. Did Ratatouille die at the end of Ratatouille? I know all the rats. He did die?

He's too much of an expert in his rats. No, I've never seen the movie. I just made it up. I just made it up. I made it up. That's your autistic thing. You can immediately know all movie rats. Witches.

Great movie rats in that one. Oh, yeah. I love that movie. An American Tale. All about movie rats. Well, they're mice. Fievel goes west. Yeah, Fievel goes west.

What gets best movie rats? There are no rats in America. Gus! And the streets are made of cheese. That's why they came here, those fucking stinky Russians. Taking our American rats' jobs. Those rats are coming after Mickey Mouse's goddamn job. Mickey Mouse is a true-blood American, even though he was sired by a molester.

True. He's a mouse. Nazi. He was sired by a Nazi. Yeah, not a molester. They're not just... Jackie, someone here needs to better their life in 365

days. Who is it? What do they got to do? Isn't there an extra day this year? 366 days. Mine is for one Mr. Kevin Barnett. I think that his resolution should be to become more intimidating. And by doing that,

I think that he needs to grow out his hair and relax it. And then I think that you also need to learn how to walk on stilts. So you think you should have long, silky hair and then you walk on stilts you want him to be like a circus pimp

you want him to be like a performer in Cirque du Soleil everybody into respecting you and to liking your comedy more because they were like I don't know why he did this and I don't know why he chose to live this life you're the only people who find people in stilts scarier people who go to like festivals

in small French towns have you known someone that chooses to walk in stilts scary are people who go to festivals in small French towns. Have you known someone that chooses to walk on stilts? Oh, in a real big belt buckle. Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah, and maybe a big hat. How are they going to see the hair? My hair is all silky now.

Yo, the hair runs, baby, it's silky. You put a lot of time into it. But that's why you're like, I'm so scary. I don't give a fuck how much time I'm going to do it. I'm going to put this big hat on. That's the thing, people can only see me once, because once they know it's stilts, the jig is up. Yeah.

No, you have to put a lot of money into tailored pants and also into very expensive shoes for said stilts. I think he'll just delight people. I don't think so. Have you seen a lot of men on stilts. I think he'll just delight people. I don't think so. Have you seen a lot of men on stilts? The magical Negro with his silky hair. I think you could do it in this coming year, and I'm proud of you already. All right.

Wow, already proud of Kevin. Interesting. He'll be a circus grotesque. But that silky hair. I just imagine you have such a good framed face with just long, straight, and silky hair. That's the scariest thing that you can think of. Because your hair's always so kept short.

That just long, silky hair. Can he have a live snake eating its own tail as a necklace? No, that's too much. its own tail No that's too much As a necklace That's too much I'm talking real life scary Mustache How's mustache on you

Can you do mustache I've never shaved it I've never shaved my mustache once It's kind of there though This has been the exact same ways as I was like 16 Wow So cool I've shaved it once

Ed Larson The king of 2015 What 2015 This has been the exact same ways as I was like 16. Wow. So cool. Let me say it once. Ed Larson, the king of 2015. What? 2015? Oh, yeah. No, it's over now, baby. Mine's also for Kevin. Okay. I want you to change your religion to Muslim, and then you're going to be an ally to the

Americas, and you're going to change your name to a curd luger. That is racist. Oh, my God. All right. Very easy to accomplish. I can just say I'm curd luger right now. Thank you. Tell people about me.

I feel like you could have Kissel could also dress up as a big piece of cheese and he could go as Kurt Luger as well and be the delight of all Manitowoc County. Manitowoc County. If the two of you were walking down the street, you would still dress like a big cheese to both Kurt Luger. People are just going to think it's like Mardi Gras and you just walked off the parade.

It almost works better for Ben because he's German. Yeah, but both of you will get arrested for something he didn't do. I think it'll be fine. You're doing it, by the way. You're going to become this man. Kurt Luger. Did Eddie win?

No, Jackie won. You're going to become, as Henry said, the circus grotesque. You will be more intimidating in the long run. Now, the question is, if I had no resolutions given to me, does that mean I'm perfect the way that I am? Yeah, none of the Zabrowski's are nailing 2016. We are nailing 2016.

I was trying to think of one for you. I couldn't. Wow. Because I'm perfect. You know what's weird? But genuinely, you have a lot of things you could fix. No, no, no. Genuinely, there's a lot of genuinely, you have a lot of things you could fix. No, no, no, no, no. Genuinely, there's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of weird cigarettes. Structural problems. No, I think that I'm going the way that I need to be going. You get mad a lot. No, I don't think I do. Within you. I think I'm similar to an angel. I'm like Delta Burke.

No. Delta Burke, great. No, no, no. What's the one touched by an angel? Gr'm like Delta Burke. No. Delta Burke, great. No, no, no. What's the one touched by an angel? Grubba. Felicity. Her name is Grubba

Slitstapper. Grubba Clamslapper. Maya Angelou? No. She was in the back of the bus. No. No.

No. That was Zapata. Touched by an angel. Medial Zapata did it. Rosa Parks was in Touched by an Angel. No. That was Zapata. Touched by an angel. Emilio Zapata did it. Oh, Ted did. Rosa Parks was in Touched by an Angel. No. Really?

Yeah. I typed in Touched by an Angel cast and Rosa Parks shows up. No. And that's totally the Rosa Parks alongside Bruce Davison and Lou Gossett Jr. No fucking way. Look. Whoa. No.

Touched by an angel cast. IMDB it. I don't believe this. IMDB Rosa Parks. I want to see. Touched by an angel's cat. IMDb it. IMDb Rosa Parks. I want to see Rosa Parks. I think there's only one Rosa Parks. I remember hearing that though. It is true. There's one Rosa Parks. And I knew that. That's why I said it. Dude, Rosa Parks died

in like 2005. She also do a five episode arc on Mad About You. Listen, the people that Paul Reiser loved her. All black civil rights activists can act It's just part of the trend It's ironic her name was Rosa Parks But she didn't have a car

Jesus, Ed It's true, though It's true It's true that Kate just showed up to dance That is actual That is actual irony She took the bus. I take the bus.

Oh, I don't have a car. You have a car. That's fine. I actually don't take the bus either. All right. Well, that's been this episode of the Roundtable of Gentlemen. That's the first one of 2016. So what a great start.

I can say it's a humdinger. All right. So, Jackie, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. And, you know, you guys have just been my world for the past, I don't know, five or six years. And I just want to say, follow me at JackTheWorms, because I'm going to have more followers. That's great. You will.

Eddie Toons on Twitter. Ed Larson. Yeah, at Eddie Toons underscore. Voting's almost closed. Thank you guys for all your support. Vote for me. Vote for me. That's great. Jackie just spilled the beer. No, I didn't. I caught the beer. Watch my fucking Twitch stream tonight. Old Nader's How. We're gonna

make my girlfriend play Final Fantasy VII. Murderfist, January 9th at the Pit 9.30pm. You can go or not, it's fine. Jesus Christ. Time to start shooting season three of Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell. We're coming back on fucking television. That's a show I feel like people can get behind.

Heroes Reborn is also still on the air. It's at 8pm on Thursdays. The other one's over, man. It's over. Watch the show. It's not going to change. It's not like the president if he sees me like,

oh, four more people watched. I guess if I could renew and give Henry another billion dollars. I just know that if he hears a little boy's plea of Henry Zebrowski and his heart grows three sizes that day, he will make that show

a $20 million budget show happen again. You're calling him a Grinch, huh? Yeah, he's a bastard and needs to change his mind. He hasn't even made his mind yet. It's not cancelled. It's still on. Rosa Parks played herself in Touched by an Angel. Interesting.

In season 5, episode 23, Black Like Monica, in which Monica is assigned to a town troubled by racial violence and she gets changed into a black woman. I thought she was going to play... Is her name Delta Reese? What's the name of the woman in Delta Reese?

Deborah Reese. Della Reese. Della Reese. Yeah, there it is. Della Reese. It would have been really sad if Rosa Parks played a character called Rosa Goes. Beep, beep. Rosa keeps going.

How is that coming to mind? None of them are good. None of them are good. Rosa Parks without a car is kind of funny. I mean, I just don't know. All right. You can find Kevin on Twitter. He's almost at 10,000.

Get him to 10,000. Yeah, let's get Kevin at 10 grand. Yeah. John Ritter was in that episode. He plays Sheriff Tom McKinsley. Typical. He's dead now. He's a dead man.

Yeah. Died on set. Yep. I'm on Twitter at Ben Kissel. So that's kind of fun. I just finished, yeah, you can find me on Spotify. Oh. I just finished the 1980s.

1980 to 1989. Nice. Yeah, 1982, worst year in music that has ever existed. Go check out the Spotify playlist. I'm 100% sure. Over 1999? No shit, it was the year I was born. Two albums, there's Nebraska and Run to the Hills. Otherwise,

nothing. Really? It's crazy. Go check it out. No way. Go check it out! What about 1999? 1999, there was some good stuff in 99. You think so? Yeah. We'll have to see. Interesting. Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Oh, I loved them

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