The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 273: Salient Points

Episode Date: January 11, 2016

Today on Round Table: Indian police force a thief to ingest four dozen bananas in an attempt to retrieve a gold chain he had swallowed, a Tampa neighborhood discovers almost 900 sex offenders living in their midst, and a package thought to contain a bomb in Alabama turns out to be full of hot dogs. Joining us today: Ian Fidance!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Close your eyes. For a guided meditation. Alright? You're looking down at yourself

and you see that big belly and you're feeling bad about yourself, right? You don't know who you are yet, but you're feeling bad about yourself and you put the running shoes on, and you hit the street. And after putting in solid hard weeks of work, Jackie, hard weeks of work, and your eyes are not closed fucking whatsoever.

Honestly, pretty much no one's eyes are closed right now. My eyes are closed because I respect prayer. Thank you. That's what we have good guests on. Respectful guests. Thank you. Now you're skinny. Now you're skinny. Now you're skinny like Marcus eating beavers.

Left and right. This is women's. Eating 45 fucking beavers. That's what you're getting your nutrients from. Beaver boy. From beaver juice. Smoking those beavers. Roll it up.

Light it. Fucking talk. Let's talk about it. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? And that's when people like all different races. Let's talk about it. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? And that's when people like all different races are getting behind you. Yeah.

You know? And saying, let's march for freedom for the strong young man. You know what I'm saying? Because I am not old yet. I have time left to have a comedy career, Marcus. I know. I know. Oh, my God.

Yikes. Yeah, we got to end this one. We got to end this one I'm so crying alright everybody open your eyes you're here at the round table gentlemen who do we have on the show today

drum roll go go go welcome to the show fuck you Ben I don't I just feel so bad for concrete when you run on it

that's awful I've never felt more sympathy for an inanimate object in my life I feel bad for my shirts I feel bad for my shirt I feel bad for our ears Yeah

That's a good point too Eddie's not here Sitting in for him As Ian Fiden Fiden Fiden Fiden Whatever you want

Fiden Ian Fiden Thanks for being here Ian Yeah yeah yeah Thanks for having me Stand up extraordinaire Thank you Jackie why are you looking

At me like you want to murder me You didn't say my name first I just went right to Ian first. We're making eye contact. Yeah, we had a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie. I'm here.

I'm here today, guys. I'm feeling fancy free. I decided that I think I want to start dating El Chapo. Oh, shit. That's what I'm doing for 2016. Yeah, man. El Chapo means shorty. That's his nickname.

Oh, is it? Yeah. Wow. That's right. He's going to bust out of there once again. I love El Chapo means shorty. That's his nickname. Oh, is it? Yeah. Wow. That's right. He's going to bust out of there once again. I love El Chapo. I thought he had like a fun hat that he would wear. Yeah.

You know, like a chapeau. Right. So I would call him El Chapo. It's not funny? I like it. Yeah, it was very funny. It's good enough. That's fine.

I'm fine with that. Yeah, it was more endearing than anything. All right, Holden, we all know you're here. Holdenators, ho! Damn, do I not have any... Has everyone stopped caring about PlayStation? Yeah, I think we're done. I don't think I have any PlayStation Network shout-outs.

What an asshole. To make. You don't? I'm going to pimp out my Twitch stream. Holding Nader's hoe. Watch me and my girlfriend play Final Fantasy 7 every Monday night from 9 to 11.

You're supposed to get more followers. Now I'm done, right? We're good? You're done. You're good? Go. Go. Get out. That's fine. You're supposed to get more followers throughout the weeks but you're losing followers? I'm getting more Twitch followers. We're up to get more followers throughout the weeks, but you're losing followers? I'm getting more Twitch followers. We're up to 75.

Come check out my Twitch stream, you donkeys. All right. That's hurting your case. Yep. No, everyone wants to play video games with Holden. Kevin's here. I'm here, man. You know.

That's good. That's fun. Is that an Adidas shirt? It is an Adidas shirt interesting oh Jackie you have a new nickname for Kevin

what was it fuzzy blacks I came up with a fuzzy part he came up with a fuzzy part because I called you big blacks at first

fuzzy blacks plural on multiple blacks yeah with a Z with a Z at the end of it fuzzy blacks oh because the Z

makes it more black no it makes it more black. No, it makes it more fun. Both. That means the same thing. I'm Ben. So I'm here too. What do you got going on, Ben?

What's going on these days? Is that a new sweater? That's a new sweater. I've never seen that before. There's no collar on it. It's a cardigan. It's like a shawl. It's nice. Yes, thank you so much.

It looks very good, right? Yeah, it's a heathered shawl. I'm full of wisdom. I like it. That's what I need. Do I need one of those? Yeah, you need a heathered shawl. Where'd you get that from, Ben?

I got this from Old Navy. Hey! They got big sizes. They did. They have the biggest sizes. I went to Levi Strauss' store. He's a Frenchman. Is Levi his first name or his last name?

Levi Strauss. Is it hyphen? No, Strauss is his last name. Strauss is his last name. Levi is his first name. But you're talking about the jeans. Yeah. And he's not French.

He's German. Of course he is. You were saying it German too. Strauss. Yeah, you said it German. Okay. He's from Buttonheim. He's from Buttonheim?

Where buttons come from. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that like champagne? That's where the first button was made. Isn't that fun? But anyway, I tried to go buy shirts there, and none of them fit me. Really? At Old Navy?

No, at Levi Strauss' store. Oh, yeah, definitely not. Yeah, it's a skinny boy store. And I think I tried on a girl's shirt. Were the buttons on the other side? Was it heathered? It's all denim. I don't know.

It wasn't. I don't know how, but then everyone was laughing at me. In 2016? Yeah. Come on. Well, yeah, because I felt like they were wondering if I was trans, and then they figured out I was making a mistake. What bathroom do you use?

I use the floor. What is that? He's turned into a dog. Yeah. Start calling you Z instead of he or she though. Ooh, what's Z? Z likes it. What's Z exactly? Is that what you're supposed to call? Yeah, Z is like the new, it's

one of the new pronouns. And this is just something that's gender neutral? Is it Jackie? Yeah, it's for someone that doesn't identify with a certain gender. So rather than calling them he or she, you call them Z. I like Z. I want to be a Z. I'm identifying as Z.

Ian, don't fuck it up. Don't call me a he. You shouldn't be able to be a Z unless you're a superhero. You know what I'm saying? That's the kind of thing that a Z should be attributed to. Yeah, but if I talk about someone named Z, I want to talk about them with an attitude like, Z is making a mistake. It just sounds like you're doing a bad French accent.

Z is making a mistake. You're making me French. I like it. I'm down. All right, Z, they won. Let's see, Marcus. We've got a couple of news stories today, huh? We do.

Let's start in India with our first news story. Mumbai police force-fed four dozen bananas to a chain snatcher to recover a stolen gold chain, which he had swallowed in an attempt to not get caught. Nanners, huh? Nanners. Interesting. Four dozen nanners. Is it worth it for the food, Jackie?

Not for nanners. I just didn't know nanners made your shit that much. I never heard them called nanners Is it worth it for the food Jackie? Not for nanners I just didn't know nanners made your shit that much I never heard them called nanners You've never heard them called nanners? I only called them nanners It sounds kind of racist That's not racist nanners Sounds like a kid talking about a set of boobs Yeah

Just try it out nanners Oh the property value will rent down since the nanners move. That's all I hear. But I don't know. Well, the incident occurred in the Ghatkapar East Fish Market in the eastern suburbs late Wednesday night when the accused, Gopi R. Goware. Gopi. Gopi.

Gopi's a hell of a name. Go get it, Gopi. Gopi's. He sounds like a fish. Oh, get it, Gopi. He sounds like a fish. He snatched and ran off with a woman's gold chain. As the woman screamed, some residents gave chase,

pinned him down, and hammered him, according to investigating officer Kailish Tirmare. A police patrol in the vicinity arrived and took charge of Gowari. An X-ray revealed on Thursday morning morning that a metallic object purportedly the stolen chain was lying in his stomach proof of the 25 year old thief's first ever crime the woman victim had not yet lodged a complaint so the police interrogated gowari who admitted to swallowing the chain police arranged for another x-ray on thursday evening which confirmed the earlier x-ray report then they ordered a basket full of bananas

and forced Goware to eat them till the wee hours. I really like this sort of pleasing. Early on Friday, he was escorted to the loo by four policemen who also filmed the morning ablution as the chain finally slithered out of Goware's system. What is that? I mean, that's got to be a relatively liquid situation. I mean, potassium, fiber, a lot of bananas

is going to make you shit a lot. They framed him. Making a chain snatcher. It's classic framework. And then once it slithered out of his rectum, police ordered him to wash it and placed him under arrest. So if you're the chick,

do you take that chain back and wear it? It's a dookie chain. Well, this is not the first time Mumbai police have used bananas or as this news story says, not the first time Mumbai police have gone bananas to retrieve stolen goods swallowed by thieves. Last April, a thief was fed five dozen bananas

in an unsuccessful attempt to retrieve a gold chain whose large pendant got stuck in his food pipe. He finally excreted it after three days. Is food pipe the technical term? For throat? No, it's my food pipe.

Oh, I see. Jackie, you're wearing a dookie chain. Jackie, you wearing a dookie chain. Yeah, I wear a dookie chain. I tell everybody, aim this dookie chain. Slithered out of a man's rectum it did. It's also Jackie's rap name. Dookie chain.

Dookie chain. Dookie chain of the manners. She eat manners. How do you swallow a chain? I feel like I would just keep throwing it back up. It's like a mozzarella stick. Only did he swallow it, but he swallowed it

on the run. That does seem like a difficult thing to get down. How long is a chain? Is it like 7 inches, 8 inches? You gotta ball it up. Oh, yeah. You've swallowed chains before. I've Oh, yeah. You've swallowed chains before. I've thought about it.

Dookie Chains. Laying down the tracks. What's Dookie Chains' number one hit? Going Nanners. Going Nanners. I love that song. It's about getting kicked out of the club. This shit is Nanners.

Wow. On the chat, both Dumpster Fire and Medieval Magusta said that potassium poisoning is no joke. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It said you can kill someone by feeding them too many nanners. That's what Dumpster Fire said. Isn't that crazy? How many bananas does it take to kill a person?

Is that a Google search we can do? Obviously more than five dozen because they can kill the other guys. I feel like it's got to kill a person? Is that a Google search we can do? More than five dozen. It's got to be an insane amount of potassium. I don't think you can die off eating bananas. It's got to be like purified potassium. What's potassium? A vitamin. A banana. Why do we need it? Strengthens the bones. Is that what it is for? I get charley horses

if I don't eat enough potassium. It helps with sodium. It balances sodium, potassium and shit. Yeah, you know this shit. Yeah, Kevin's smart. You're like a health professional. Not no more, man. I've forgotten most of that shit.

Oh, the chat's full of shit. I checked it out on Metro.UK, the UK Metro. They say that it is physically impossible to eat a fatal dose of bananas. Yeah, chat. So get fucked, chat.. So get fucked, Chad. Yeah, get fucked, dude. If anybody on chat wants to talk about how they would kill themselves, go for it. Oh, dumpster trash.

Don't do it with bananas. It's not going to work. A fatal dose of bananas, 400 bananas. Wow. Oh, so there is a number. It would have had to be like purified fucking pills. It has to be straight potassium. Potassium poisoning, yes, is a thing.

It causes heart failure and kidney failure. But bananas, physically impossible to eat 400 bananas. How do you figure this out? Is there like a Mengele somewhere working with bananas, just shoving them down the food pipes of random people until he gets to 400 and they die? They have calculations. Is that right? Yeah.

I just feel like with that much potato, like even like five dozen, wouldn't it go to the opposite extreme where you wouldn't shit? Right? He gets all bound up in there. So much banana. Cheese. Cheese blocks you up. Cheese blocks you up.

Yeah. But nanners, I think, nanners are good for the Constitution as far as I know. Cheese blocks you up. Cheese blocks you up. Yeah, but nanners, I think. Nanners are good for the Constitution, as far as I know. Goes right through you. They're mostly water. We got to get some nanners in here. I eat a nanner every morning. Every morning?

Every morning. Yeah, it's great for you. It is good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really gets you going. Get a nanner at the convenience store, eat it on the train, good to go. So weird. It's not weird.

That's not weird. That's not weird. No, that's not weird at all. Everyone gets a nanner and a coffee. I don't love it. Not every day. I, good to go. So weird. That's not weird. No, that's not weird at all. Everyone gets a nanner and a coffee. I should try to do it every day. Do it every day, man. You get nanner and a coffee every day. Because you want something sweet. You want the donut.

But you can trick yourself into thinking the banana is a banana-flavored donut. You put it into a ring. Mash it together into a ring. It's your nanner donut. Nanner nut. My nanner nut. I eat nanner nuts every morning.

I shit. With coffee, too? How much do you shit every day? You dunk it in the coffee. I really don't shit that much. That's right. We've talked about this. We've talked about this.

I have irregular bowel movements. And I'm totally healthy. I'm super regular. Yeah. Yeah. I eat a nanner every day and drink at least three cups of coffee every day. I can fucking get it out of me, boy. I can remove it from me easily.

What do you do? Is there a special trick or something? It shoots out. It's like, get me out of this man. And I'm like, poopy talking again. I imagine like it's just like Bugs Bunny dresses a woman with like the big red lips.

Get me out of this man! But then you kiss it and you're just like I love you. Dookie Chains! Dookie Chains! Back at it again. Love Dookie Chains. As soon as we can get Dookie Chains out of jail long enough, we'll fucking get her to record another album.

I watched that movie Straight Outta Compton last night. Oh, it's so good. Was it good? I loved it. Okay, I didn't understand what the hell was happening. What? You didn't understand. I didn't understand.

I didn't think it was violent. It wasn't violent enough. It's a very simple story. It wasn't violent enough. Where's a very simple story. It wasn't violent enough. Where's the violence? There's no violence. They were musicians. That's the whole point.

The Ice Cube is on the bus and he's writing the fucking lyrics. But he's not a movie. I want violence. Except for Eazy-E. Eazy-E was super violent. Eazy-E did some shit and you saw that right up top. They didn't even show Eazy-E. Eazy-E was super violent. Eazy-E did some shit and you saw that right up top. Eazy-E having sex.

How do you get sex? How did he get the AIDS? What do you mean how did he get AIDS? You don't need to show it's fine. They didn't show

him having sex. Also they did show a scene where they had like all types of fucking naked chicks all over the place. Everyone's getting blown. Was Eazy-E into women?

Yeah. All right. Yeah. They pulled the gun out in the hotel. That was fucking women. Yeah. All right. Yeah. They pulled the gun out in the hotel. That was fucking crazy. They used the gun. If you show the gun, use the gun.

Are you giving me spoilers right now? Fucking Chekhov. You don't need to. It's a movie. It's a biopic. I thought the character who played Suge Knight had big shoulders.

And so does Suge Knight. So they, great casting. I thought he was good. He was scary he scared me he beat people up right they didn't even show that

in the movie yeah they totally showed that by the car when the dude took his parking space oh well don't take another man's parking space

that's true I remember that scene we were just point by point describing every scene in this movie no it's fine it's been out for eight months

there's also a conspiracy that Suge infected Eazy-E with HIV do you think he would have done it in that scene where he was beating the shit out of him yeah It's been out for eight months. There's also a conspiracy that Suge infected Eazy-E. With HIV. With AIDS. Do you think he would have done it? In that scene where he was beating the shit out of him. Yeah?

Yeah, there's a lot of people that think that. Wait, they all had AIDS? No. Just Eazy-E. Because you inject it into somebody. Oh, I thought he made him lick a toilet seat. It's crazy because Suge- I don't think you can get AIDS.

You can get AIDS by licking anything that has AIDS on it. This is how crazy Sugar is. He went on Kimmel and made a joke about infecting someone with AIDS and people dying of it. He's like, yeah, you know, a little Eazy-E thing. He made a joke on Kimmel like 10 years ago. Whoa. He's fucking nuts. Yeah.

So you like the movie overall? All right. I give it an 8 out of 10. 8 out of 10? Yes. Wow. all right i give it um i give it an eight out of ten eight out of ten yes wow ten being um ghostbusters and a one being um house four i have no idea what the hell i'm just so glad you got to see room yeah you got to see room in such high esteem yeah it's a perfect film

lady ghostbusters jackie you gonna watch it? I'll watch it. Alright. I don't like anything that makes me smile or laugh. Yeah, well, I auditioned for one of the roles. Oh, really? Who'd you audition as? Or for? I don't know, one of them. The fat one. What was your line? The fucking fat one, the one that's fucking

Melissa McCarthy. Slimer, did we already make the joke that you auditioned to be Slimer? It's about me being Slimer. I was actually cast as Slimer. And't we already make the joke that you all didn't need Slimer? Yeah, we made all the jokes about me being Slimer. I was actually cast as Slimer. And I fucking wish I was, because I have a lot of fucking money. I'll play Slimer. I'll do anything for money. 2016. Alright, what are you

doing? What are we talking about here? Let's see what she'd do for money, alright? Would you eat a guy's ass out on HBO? Yeah, sure. I don't want to lick a toilet seat and get AIDS, though. That is one of the things I want. What if the guy has AIDS? Yeah, the guy whose asshole you're eating.

I guess, yeah, I would have to say no. I don't think you can get AIDS from eating an ass. You can't get an ass. Or licking a fucking toilet seat. Knock on wood. Oh, no. Hey, I feel like licking a toilet seat. That's why you put down the paper.

What is your association with the toilet seat? You put down the paper. Or you down the paper or you get AIDS. That's what my mom always said. The toilet seats are cleaner than the palm of your hand. Well, I'm not licking my hands either. I don't think the toilet seats are cleaner than the palm of your hand. I wouldn't say that, yeah. Would you do a lesbian scene with Lena Dunham?

Oh, no. Why don't you like Lena? I don't like Lena Dunham. What's wrong with her? I'll have a lesbian scene with most other anybody else. Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Oh my God, we would laugh the entire time. And then I would start dressing like her all the time, and I would be comfortable for the rest of my fucking life. Would you get dressed? She's very comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I would. If she would allow me to.

Yeah. Can't watch it. That's fine. You cannot get AIDS from feces. Yeah, of course not. Yeah. I don't know if that's an of course not. Yeah, get AIDS from feces. Yeah, of course not. I don't know if that's an of course not. Yeah, I don't know if that's an of course not. Feces are kind of all up inside of you.

What if you have blood in your shit? Yeah, what if you have blood in your shit? Well, here's what went on. I checked out. What's the research? I checked out. I googled can you get AIDS from poop? And it came up this Q&A on thebody.com, which is all AIDS forums.

And this question, recently I had did masturbation with a woman I did not know well. All we did was mutual touching, but I got carried away and put my finger in her anal hole. And then when I pulled it out out I had a little bit of her feces on my finger and by the way this is in all caps and at that time I had a blood clot under my fingernail Wait what?

Okay Who is this person? And how do you get a blood clot under your fingernail? And there's also no punctuation whatsoever. It's just a complete run on sentence. It's a huge run. Well, no, no, no.

There is a question mark after, am I in any danger of getting HIV from feces? Please resound ASAP. He's got bigger issues. I was in a rush. And Ryan M. Cole from Columbia University said, no, exposure to feces does not pose a risk for HIV unless there is blood present in the feces. There you go.

So if his ass is no blood in the ass of the guy. And also poppers. What are they called? The poppers. Don't poppers. Amyl nitrate. What? Amyl nitrate.

That's what the poppers are. Hemorrhoids. Oh, yeah. Butt poppers. I know Jackie's jive. Those are poppers. If you had poppers, butt poppers are. Hemorrhoids. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Butt poppers. I know Jackie's jive. Those are poppers. If you had poppers, butt poppers, what are they called? Hemorrhoids.

Oh, I think of jalapeno poppers. A good appetizer for the applebee's. I thought of jalapeno poppers to make you feel euphoric. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. I'm saying if they got poppers, you pop the popper and then you're fucked, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're probably not letting you get back there if they got poppers. Hemorrhoids.

They got poppers now. Dookie Chain says poppers, we say poppers. That's correct, Jackie. Bad accent. I have no idea. Dookie Chain got poppers. Dookie Chain got poppers. Why not?

I had a question regarding Oh yeah, so they were just jerking each other off And then he just went right for the finger in the butthole He said he got carried away Got carried away It'll happen to the best of us He's leaving something out I mean if the holes, you know, you gotta put

You find the holes and you put something in it Yep, yep, yep, yep Yeah, that's fine Like in your food pipe In your food pipe. So the banana fella, he shat out the chains. Everything is working out. She got her gold necklace back.

She got her gold necklace back after he washed it himself. Let's go to... Let's see here. Let's go to jolly old England. Did you just hit puberty? What happened? He turned into Charles Dickens' character. I don't know you!

Give me some more porridge! Julia Child is choking on her chicken. Me droogies! Going to me droogies! A British teenager who used multiple cans of deodorant in lieu of bathing has died from inhaling gas. Police found 42 aerosol cans in the room of Thomas Townsend, 16, of Folkestone, Kent, in southeast England. According to his mother, Sally,

Thomas would spray half a can of deodorant on himself instead of taking a shower, then spray aftershave to cover up body odor. She told investigators he would go through a can a week. I didn't know he had so many cans in his room because he was such a huge hoarder.

Besides, Thomas was living at a children's home when he was found collapsed on his knees against the bed in August. He was unable to be revived by paramedics. The boy had been in foster care for five years and moved to the home in February. According to the investigating pathologist, the cause of death was circulation collapse

caused by butane gas inhalation. Man, that story got sad. Yeah, I thought he deserved it at first. Yeah, but no, just like his mother didn't love him and he wanted to smell good. Man, he was in a home. Well, I think he had a phobia of showers. Oh, could be. Could be. Man, something happened to him in a shower.

That's the scariest part. Yeah, probably. Like a shower monster got him. Yeah. Like a shower monster got him Yeah Like a Jerry Sandusky Yeah but a shower monster version Pennywise the clown I didn't shower for a week after I watched the movie It I still look

And every once in a while if I'm drunk and I've taken a shower I feel like I hear something Out of the drain and I'll just get out of the shower Just get right out It's still soapy? Yeah, I'll usually shut off the water to make sure I don't hear a voice coming from the drain. And then I'll get back in the shower and I'll

finish. I just had different nightmares about showers, man. I grew up in Miami. I hated fucking lizards and frogs and they would just be on the shower and they would just fall and just crawl all over your dick. It's horrible. Horrifying. And the flying cockroaches where you close the curtain in the shower

and all of a sudden you're like, no, fuck. Florida is a nightmare. It's creatures straight out of that Stephen King movie, The Mist,

but they're just all over the floor. I watched that last night, dude. It's great, right? God, I love that movie. See The Mist. And a great example of Hollywood

rewriting a Stephen King ending in the best possible way. in the best possible way. In the best possible way. It's a great conclusion to the feature film The Mist. Can I apologize to chat? Yeah. All right. Sorry, chat.

Why are you apologizing to the chat? I told them to kill themselves. They don't listen to you when you tell them not to. They all listen to me, and they're all probably trying to figure out how to do it right now, and they're all too stupid and sad because they're probably messing it up right now and just hurting themselves or cutting the wrong way. So you're actually being more offensive because you think they're too dumb to kill themselves.

The rope is breaking. Yeah, bro. Oh, they didn't use good rope. Yeah, that's the thing. They used bad rope. They didn't talk to you about it first. So anyway, sorry. I didn't mean to startle and confuse you. Yeah. They have not responded to you.

Very good. Kevin, are you suicidal at all? Huh? Are you suicidal? No, no, not responded to you. Very good. Kevin, are you suicidal at all? Huh? Are you suicidal? No, no, no. His life's too good. Everybody,

you think about it every now and then. You have to, right? You got to. That's the, a sane person thinks about it every time the train comes. Dude,

I think about getting pushed into the train every time the train comes. Constantly. I like, I am, it's a weird thing. You think about getting pushed onto the train every time the train comes. Constantly. You think about getting pushed onto the train? Yeah.

It's such a thing. It's a tall... I mean, that's a personality thing. Some people think about getting pushed. Some people think about pushing. What are you, Marcus? I hug the wall. I stand behind the beam. I put a shoulder on the beam so that if someone did try, that would kind of maybe catch it.

I gotta say, I'm in Kevin's and Holden's camp on this one. I'm very aware. I'm tall. You could leverage on me. I'm going flying. No way, dude. That'd be so hard to push you into. No, it's so easy.

Go for the back of the knees. I'm flying. Yeah, tumble. See, I've had a solid year or so where I keep thinking about, I don't know what story it was, that now I'm constantly in fear of getting slammed in the back of the head for no reason because it was like that gang initiation. Oh, yeah.

What happened to Henry? Yeah, and so I'm always scared of just getting smashed in the back of the head just for no reason. And there was that mystery slasher just the other day. Did you see that? I did see that. Yeah, there's a mystery slasher on the loose in Manhattan. There was a rash of slashings over the last, I think, week or something like that. I'm going to start inventing things like Rick Moranis in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and have

little mirrors so I can see behind me. I carry a one-pound weight in my bag. Oh, yeah. I can swing around. Is that right? Oh, hell yeah. Fuck yeah. I thought you meant like you take it off and you can run faster and

punch harder. Yeah, long-term training. Some Dragon Ball G. Long-term training. Strengthening your body. That's a good way to do it. Carry around one pound for a year. You always keep a cup of hot soup on me in case someone wants to start something.

Don't bother. Throw that hot soup right in their mother's face. Chicken nude. With a single nanner in it. Nanner soup. Nanner soup.

I think that would become a liquid in hot water, right? Do we put bananas in hot water? I don't know. You said you dip your nanner in your coffee. I'm making up stuff'm making up stuff oh you're lying to the chat you're lying to the chat to line a jet are you Jackie's livid well that's fun I always think about grabbing the third rail oh yeah I think immediate death right yeah touch it real quick did you have you know I? I think I can touch it real quick. Did you? Have you done it? No, I never have. I think I'm fast enough. I've heard stories.

Okay, that's a rookie mistake as far as electricity goes. You never want to hit it with the front of your palm because your hand, when you get electrocuted, immediately you will tense up. You will grab onto whatever

wire that you're doing. If you want to on to whatever wire that you're doing. So if you want to test an electric wire, you hit it with the back of your hand. So you'll bounce back off. Also, what you should do if you want to hit it, jump in the air real quick and then just tap it and then you'll be fine. Because if you're not grounded, it'll just like...

That's interesting. Yeah, I don't think I'm that coordinated. You also look pretty cool doing it. That's fun. My father used to slap me with the back of his hand, which is kind of good because then he never risked giving me a hug. If he accidentally just grabbed me. That would have been nice.

Take that on the road. That's good. That's a good bit. Ian, you can have it. Oh, thank you. I'm giving away. I'm suicidal. I'm giving it away. I know, it's a bitchy story. I'm suicidal. I'm giving away all my bits.

Z's take care of each other. I don't care. Z wants me to have it. When a comedian starts giving away his jokes, he's going to commit suicide soon. You're also assuming a lot about Ian's father. Oh, yeah, that's true. He's a very personal bit.

How is your father? Oh, he's been dead since I was eight. Thanks for bringing it up, Marcus. that's true. It's a very personal bit. How is your father? Oh, he's been dead since I was eight. Thanks for bringing it up, Marcus. That's cool. There you go. Very nice, Marcus. He can't use the bigs a lot, man. He can't use the bigs if he starts doing it and then somebody in the audience will be like,

your dad's dead! They always do. Yeah. They always do that. I'll get the stand-up audience. They're brutal. They're mean-spirited. Well, sorry to hear about your daddy.

I appreciate that. Thank you so much. All right. So what do we got? Let's go to Alabama for our next story. Sure. Alabama police responded to reports of suspicious bags that were later found to be full of hot dogs.

The Florence Police Department responded to a call from a local post office reporting a suspicious package at 7 a.m. on Wednesday morning and proceeded to examine the bags using x-ray technology. After inspection, the area was shut down as bomb technicians used a robot to remove the bags

from the area. One of the bags ripped open during transport revealing a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil. We're getting a little bit too hypersensitive and scared, right? Yeah, probably. At this point, it's just a hot dog. I mean, you're calling the machine

to do the hot dog and all this. I mean, it's madness. Someone just left their hot dog at the post office and they brought the bomb squad in for it. God, that's a sad day. Leaving your hot dog at the post office and they brought the bomb squad in for it. God, that's a sad day. Oh, leaving your hot dog at the post office. What a shit day. During the day, I work as a Pitney Bowes printer technician. Okay.

And one of my first days on the job, I had a part and I took the box and I didn't know. I was like, I guess I'll just throw it out. So I threw it out. An hour and a half later, I get a panic call from this woman who works at the company i went to and she was like the police called and said there was a suspicious package with my name and address on it it's a it's a letter yeah yeah it was just an empty thing i threw out and somebody picked it up a homeless guy left it on the train somebody called the bomb squad right fucking went in they took it they had all the i had to talk to a cop.

I had to go down to the fucking 34th and 8th lost and found loss prevention and be like, look, it's just trash. It was fucking awful, dude. It's garbage. Yeah, yeah. I assure you it's fucking garbage. Oh my God, I love it. You ever left a hot dog behind, Ben? Nope, never left a hot

dog behind, but I don't eat a lot of them. More of a taco guy. Taco? Oh, really? I think that left a hot dog behind, but I don't eat a lot of them. More of a taco guy. I didn't think that would be the distinction. I thought it was either a hot dog or a hamburger man. No way. I am a burger boy. Oh, you're a burger guy. No, I'm a taco guy.

I like the portability of a hot dog, but you can find that in a taco. Folded things. What's the go-to meat? Gotta go beef. See, I don't trust fish taco people. No, I don't trust fish tacos either. Yeah?

Would you say you were a fish taco person? Oh, yeah. I don't trust you. I got fish for McDonald's, dude. Ooh, yeah, that's not good. I haven't in a while. I'm reformed. But when I was younger.

Don't trust fish from any place that isn't in Maine. That is not a fishery. That's right. I like my fish from landlocked states, you know. Yeah, perfect. I love Indiana fish. It's so tasty. Jackie, taco?

Hot dogs, hot dogs, hot Jackie Taco Hot dogs Hot dogs Hot dogs I love hot dogs What are we putting on it I fucking love hot dogs What are we throwing on it Anything

I'll put fucking anything On a hot dog They're so disgusting I used to fully I love hot dogs I used to fully believe In that ballpark commercial With Michael Jordan

Where it's like It's not summer Until you had your ballpark It's true I haven't had one In like 10 years. It hasn't been summer, man. It hasn't been summer.

It's like Game of Thrones up in here, man. It's fucking winter, man. Winter's coming. That's right. I forgot that he was shilling for the big hot dog for a while. Hot dogs and underwear, that's it. Mayonnaise on a hot dog? Oh, my God.

I almost threw up in my mouth. I'm more like an onions relish mustard kind of girl You said you would eat anything on a hot dog If there was cheese on the hot dog I would put mayonnaise on the bun Would you eat a nanner on a hot dog? I'm not a big nanner fan so probably not It's called a not dog

Lena Dunham on a hot dog? Never Fucking her on a hot dog Why do you hate Lena so much? i don't like her all right you're calling your first date cases with her now i know lena oh yeah yeah yeah i met her a couple of nights used to make this mean joke about her no i didn't yeah you should i'm gonna say it was some better being fat or awkward no i made a joke about how she takes her clothes off and ever calls everyone calls her brave which is offensive to her.

Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can imagine how. You make a salient point, Ben. Well, I got a lot of women upset with me for that one. It was a very funny bit. That's the name of his first set of comedy albums. Salient points.

It's going to be big. Ian, can I have my joke back? Take it Thank you I've got a comedy album He's about to kill himself Indian Heather and Shaw Oh very nice

I love hot dogs Mayonnaise in a hot dog Is one of the most disgusting things I've ever thought of I could not do it She said she could put anything I could do it I think I have done it

Really? I think I've done it At a fucking 7-Eleven probably No The worst place you could do it I could do it If I'm super high I have done it. Really? I think I've done it at a fucking 7-Eleven probably. No. The worst place you could do it. I could do it. If I'm super high, I could do it.

Yeah. If I dunk the hot dog in mayonnaise, I'd probably do that. But I wouldn't put it on the hot dog. That would be kind of fun if they did that for the Nathan's Hot Dog competition. Instead of dumping it in water,

they got to dip it in water. That would add another layer to it. Can I say, by the way, Nathan's hot dogs Is fucking disgusting Why do you say that I don't know At least the ones

Like whenever I went to Coney Island I'm like it's horrible I'm so happy You get the corn dog Yes the corn dog Every time You gotta go corn dog The hot dog is just so

It's fucking greasy And just nasty It's nasty I hear ya No but I actually agree No I don't understand Why Nathan's got so famous I don't know

I don't They're not my favorite hot dog No Easily What's the best dog No, but I actually agree. I don't understand why Nathan's got so famous. I don't know. They're not my favorite hot dogs. No. Easily. What's the best dog? I think the best dog... I mean, I love the Hebrew National. Yes.

And I like making my dogs at home. I like my home dogs. Ballpark's not a good hot dog. Yeah. They're just a little short for me. Crifthogs is good. Crifthogs is good. Crifthogs right here in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. If you're ever coming through and you're a hot dog connoisseur, do check out Crifftogs is good. Crifftogs is good. Crifftogs right here in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

If you're ever coming through and you're a hot dog connoisseur, do check out Crifftogs. But the truth is I never want to spend that much money on a fucking hot dog. Right.

That's my only issue with Crifftogs. It's about $5 a dog, which I think is too much. You're not getting just a dog, though. I mean, a chihuahua's got, you're getting like

a meal of shit on a hot dog. Yes, but those ones are like $8 or $9 for a dog and that I refuse to spend. You've never had a meal of shit on a hot dog Yes but those ones are like Eight or nine dollars for a dog And that I refuse to spend You've never had a chihuahua? I mean the animal? That's the name of the dog

You've never been more sincere in your life That's the dog you get when you go there It's got like avocado on it You've never had the chihuahua? It's fucking good as shit Honestly I want a hot dog so badly right now I might go there right after this It's got like avocado on it. Never had the chihuahua? Yeah, that was good. That's fucking good as shit. Turn the mic off. Honestly, I want a hot dog so badly right now, I might go there right after this. Yeah.

Stay at Doug's. All right, we'll have to move on then. I can't. I can't think about anything else. Hey, you guys think about a bratwurst hot dog. See, that's my favorite. Yeah, because I like it so thick. Yeah.

Yeah, it's real thick, real juicy, pops in your mouth. I watched a documentary about the making of a hot dog on a show called Food Factory. I can't get enough of it. And it's disgusting. Yeah, what goes into a hot dog? Yeah, it's just lips and assholes, right? No, it is. And then eyeballs and nostrils.

It's like liquid, right? Yeah. They're using all of it. I'm glad they're not just throwing it away. I'll eat it. Technically, me and Jackie are the most environmentally sound people in this fucking room. Look at that. Look at that fucking right there.

Just like the calamaris. I'll eat the cheap calamaris even though they're pig assholes. Wow. Wow, Jinx. As long as you fry it, you'll eat it. And don't you get that on sale clam chowder because that's whale's cum. I saw a special of it on PBS. Wouldn't you think

it would be more difficult to get whale's cum? That's really expensive. That's what makes it taste so good. The journey. It ain't hard to find

though, man. I feel like it's super expensive. It's all over the sea, man. They come buckets. Yeah, I don't think you've ever met

a horny whale before, man. If you had, if you had played a game of strip poker with a horny whale, you would know exactly how easy it is to get their car fucking geysers clock into work I guess if you look it up on science.com he'll tell you the ocean is 30% whale cum.

He keeps the boats up, huh? You know what? I mean, there has to be a lot of fish cum in the ocean. It's all fish shit, fish piss and fish cum. The way humans cum, they cum spurts?

They spurt? Yeah, they spray it all over the place. There's literally fish that will fucking cum, a cloud of cum and then the other bitch just swims through it with a cloud of cum and then the other bitch just swims through it with eggs on her back and then the

cum is just on her back. I wish that's how we did it. Oh, they go around in schools. They fucking. Yeah. They are. Yeah, how much water versus piss and shit? I guess it's all water, huh? And cum in the ocean. That's disgusting.

I think swimming in lakes is disgusting. Fish is the grossest. What's grosser than a fish? I can't think of anything grosser than a fish. Filthy, stinking, rotten. And they don't get jobs. They don't get jobs. And when you grab them,

even if they're underwater, they feel dry. Isn't that weird? When was the last time you grabbed a fish? Oh, I'll grab a fish. I can't imagine you ever being able to grab a fish. Don't go fish grabbing with fish. Oh, I just put my paw in.

I'm always grabbing fish. He'll win. He'll win every time. And then you'll be paying for dinner that night. That's right. Sometimes I grab a hot dog out of there. Oh, I wish. They used to have a show on TV about fish grabbers.

Oh, yeah. It's called Noodlin'. Yeah, Jackie, your boyfriend's stepdad is a noodler? Noodler. Oh, yeah, stepdad is a noodler. Is that when you reach your hand in the log and you pull out the catfish? Yeah, your hand inside the catfish and pull it out. Oh, yeah, he never wears a shirt.

He is tan. Stepdad, so somebody lost a woman to a noodler. Yeah, he's noodling. He's a lot like that. He's a noodler. Alright, well let's head to Florida.

We haven't gone to Florida yet this episode. We gotta go to Florida. We're going to Tampa for this one. Imagine making this episode. So yeah, we got to go to Florida. We're going to Tampa for this one. Imagine making this discovery. Hundreds of sex offenders living within walking distance of your home. That's the case for some neighbors in the V.M. Ebor off Nebraska Avenue in Tampa. And they are determined to get Tampa City Council members to do something about it. Most of the neighbors bought their homes in the VME Borough neighborhood for their historic value and the proximity to downtown Tampa.

And while there have always been a few sex offenders and predators here and there, now neighbors say the amount is absolutely unacceptable. One neighborhood resident plugged her address into the sex offender database and in a five mile radius around her home, she found 839 sex offenders and predators. That is an unacceptable

number. I just like that they said that these historic homes, like I know that area. It's fucking poor as fuck and all of the homes are run down. That's why they go there. Because they don't have any fucking money. I would just leave. What are you going to do with all the sex offenders? Just spread them around?

I'd rather them be in one place and then you stay away from that place. And make a theme park out of it. And charge people money to go. Why would people go? Oh, you'd scare their kids straight. That is true. I wouldn't act up ever again.

Or you're going to get raped by an older man. I'll rape the boy. If you get caught peeing in public in a school zone, you can get your registered sex offender. That could just be some guy that was 19 dating a 17-year-old.

I don't know. I'm sure there's that. There is that, but there is also a lot of fucking bad people. Yeah, I think there's just a lot of disgusting pedophiles there, too. It sounds like a great place for a cheap haunted house, though. I think you have a great idea for parenting, Holden. Absolutely. Every Halloween, just bring your kid

right over there. You want a good kid. A good kid is a scared kid. That's right. Yeah. If you want to parent the right way, you keep them frightened always. I was scared all the time. I was asked to jump over something. I said, oh, I don't jump over things.

And he was like, oh. He's like, you were a kid. You didn't jump. I was like, no. We never went outside. What were you asked to jump over? We were only inside. It was like a thing to jump over it into a parking lot.

As they say about the Zebrowskis, they're jumpers. I don't jump. I don't climb. You know, I just stay on the ground. Earth people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're earthy. That's what we are.

Stay low. But Jackie, you bring up a good point. So you like pedophiles altogether. Because this is obviously, this obviously mandated by the courts. They have to live in these little communities that can only be so far and near to schools and all sorts of other public buildings. So they all kind of come together. That's exactly why this area has such high concentration.

Because it just so happens to be more than a thousand feet from any school, daycare, park, or playground. Which is actually very difficult to find. Yeah. You know, once you limit off all four of those things, I mean, it makes sense that they would all come together. Yeah. But Jackie, you like them all in one spot. Yeah, yeah. But keep them corralled.

But what I don't understand is that I thought you were supposed to let other people know in the neighborhood, like, I'm a sex offender. I live here. Hey, I am too. Yeah, exactly. So when you go out, you have to have some proof. That was a thing that they were forced to do, though. No, I think that they are, but Holden makes a great point. So they just get together.

I mean, is this just a pedophile school? They're just bands of people running through the streets just raping whoever. Give me a kid. Well, actually, there is an ordinance in Hillsborough County. It's called an anti-clustering ordinance, which bans too many sex offenders from living in a particular area, like a home, condo, or apartment complex. A search on the sex offender registry showed 47 sexual offenders and predators

living in just three homes on one street. Jesus. Oh, man. There's going to be a glitch in the system. on one street. Jesus. Oh, man. There's got to be a glitch in the system. It sounds like a glitch. That's a hive. That is a pedophile hive. They're having a great time, right?

A clutch of pedophiles. Right. It's really a bizarre sort of isolated community that we allow to exist. Very small and obviously demonized and everything like that. But I mean, how crazy to live in a small area surrounded by people who like to have sex with kids

just like you do. They must love it. Yeah, I think they enjoy it. Just getting together, reminiscing. It's like Girl Interrupted. A little bit. They're all Angelina Jolie. Right.

Well, Jackie, you say it's a terrible area. That's actually the point that this woman, her name, the woman who's spearheading everything, her name is Kelly Grimsdale. Of course. Kelly Grimsdale says, would they allow this in Davis Island? Would they allow this in South Tampa? Absolutely not. So that's what she's saying is that they're hurting all the pedophiles of the poor area.

Yeah, of course they're not going to the wealthy areas. That's not shocking. I mean, what are they going to do? Are they going to pay for sex offenders to pay the rent in South Tampa? Are they going to subsidize pedophiles? That's the whole thing. It's like, yeah, they can't get jobs because they have all these fucking felonies. Yes, this is a bigger problem, but at the same

time, yeah, they're not going to be living in these nice fucking beach towns. There has to be somebody who's super rich there who has to move there because he's a pedophile, but he still has got all the cash, right? I don't know. I mean, oh, you mean like an alpha pedophile? I'm sure there's an alpha pedo out there. There has to be. There has to be one guy in charge, like a guy pulling the strings,

the puppet master. I think it's dangerous. Having them all in one place? Yeah. Pedophiles are gentrifying that neighborhood. No, I mean, I'm split. I feel like maybe you... I don't know if having them in a cluster is a good idea. I'm a flip-flopper. Not a very good political candidate.

No, I'm not... I mean, they can enable themselves. It becomes normal. See, if I had my druthers, I would keep them in a cluster, but they would be checked in upon. It would be something that was like... Because you're right, there's some people that are not... They're like, oh, I would keep them in a cluster, but they would be checked in upon. It would be something that was like, because you're right, there's some people that are not, they're like, oh, I was 19 and I was

dating a 17-year-old, and that's not fair, but I think they should be checked in on. But then, other than that... We should have a level system, like you're a level one sex offender. They do have that. Oh, okay. There's a difference between a sex offender and a sex predator. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Sex offenders is like our man, the 19-year-old guy who slept with a 17-year-old girl. Sex predators sees in heat vision when it can make themselves invisible in the jungle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you cannot take that power away from them as is mandated by the Second Amendment. Yeah, but I'm torn, though. What do you think, Marcus?

Scatter them around or keep them together? I think you've got to scatter them around. You're going to pepper them? You're peppering them? I think you've got to pepper them. It's only fair. It's only fair in American society that we all deal with the problem. We can't all be NIMBYs.

We can't all be NIMBYs. We have to share the problem. Not in my backyard. You can't turn your nimbies we have to share the problem not in my backyard back on humans like these they're at the end of the day they they are a sliver of a human you know they are a sliver yeah i think it should be like that disney neighborhood it should be like celebration yeah that should be we should have a specific everyone knows about it neighborhood that's away from everything else where they all go i don't know man because then they can just go out in armies you know i'm getting together and talking just rationalize

like well you know the kids are gonna be fucking eventually you can't you gotta spread them out no so you gotta put a patch on them or like put some sort of number system into their arm or something yeah yeah you want to put a number system on their arm yeah yeah put yeah we'll, yeah. You want to put a number system on their arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put chip. Yeah, we'll go chip them. Go chip on them. We're going to make them wear a patch. A patch. Like, say, a yellow... Like a star. Like a yellow star.

Ian, would I be remiss in assuming you're Jewish? Yes. Okay, so you are Jewish. No, I'm not. You're not? No. Ian, you're not Jewish? No. Oh, well, why are you here? I wish I was. Yeah, you are because you're a fucking Jew. I thought we were getting in with the industry. All right, all right, I am, I am.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I am, I am, I am. If you're not Jewish, then they don't exist. So what do you think about Jackie... Patching them. Patching them and doing the number system on the arm. I mean, that's your prerogative, man. Yeah, man.

Hell yeah. I don't think that's actually going to happen. Patch them up. Patch them up. Yeah, you can't just go in and check on pedophiles. They need to be kind of tracked, I think. You think there should be a tracking system? Chip them.

Patch them. Well, we do track them. That's why we have the sex offender registry. Oh, there's so much tracking going on. Yeah, but you fall through the cracks, man. You can fall through the cracks so easily. There's like 800 of them there. Let's see where the closest pedophile is to us right now.

What happens when you know your neighbor is a pedophile? What do you do? I bring him a casserole and be like, hey, don't rape my kids. Yeah, you bribe them. Just like the mob did with my father you bribe them into loving you and you're like hey don't rape my kids your father the former nypd officer was brought by the bribed by but like but the mob would bring us gifts was bribed by the mob what did they give you it was very nothing safe. Nothing to jump over, I hope. No, no, no.

It was very safe. It was just they would bring they would bring like flowers to my mom and they would always bring us toys and stuff. Did you feel like this was part of the systematic racism against the black community?

No, no, no. We're all white. Until the mob left and then the Puerto Ricans came in and everything went bad. Things changed, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, you guys went down to Florida pretty quickly after the demographic changed. You know. Well, it'll happen. All right. Still working on it. What are you working on, Mark? I'm trying to find the pedophile. I'm trying to find the pedophile right now.

Oh, okay. They've got to be close by. What if there's a smart pedophile that then can backtrack the people that are looking up the addresses so then they can find out the houses where the kids are? Yeah, that's a good point. Jackie would give a pedophile a casserole. Ian, what would you do? You got a family, you find out if a pedophile's in the

neighborhood? Oh, dude, I tell my kids not to go by the house, and if I fucking see that guy on my property, I'm taking out the one pound weight. You're a nimby. You're being a nimby right now. Taking out the one pound weight. Hold on, what do you do? Sing him a song and dance him a jig. Wow him with entertainment.

You're going to arouse him? No, that's not going to arouse him. The little ones. I'm just trying to distract him while my kids escape in the background. But you live there. Yeah, you live there. What are you escaping to?

Just they can go wherever. By that point, they can probably sort of get on the railroad and get across the country and do this thing. I forgot. We only have railroads again.

Yeah. We've gone back in time a few hundred years. Yeah. What do you do, Kev? You're a father. Pedophile. I'm a father.

Well, the thing is I would never be a father and the good thing about that with pedophiles is you can bring them. Bring them in. You know? You don't want to fuck me hang with me it's all good i don't agree with your actions your decisions you make your life but hey this is you this is me you're not fucking my kids because i don't have them that would be funny too if i would just get really jealous

because they didn't want to fuck me and i'll just parade around in little tighties. Little tighties. Yeah, I got my tighties on. My sexy tighties. And then I'd be like, don't you want to kiss me? Choking on nanners. Yeah, I got my nanners and I got a big baba.

Deep throat nanners. Yeah. What is it called? Binky. We called them binkies. Oh, yeah, the pacifier. Pacifier. Yeah, right. Well, that's good. I would definitely go andies. Oh, yeah, the pacifier. Pacifier. Yeah, right.

Well, that's good. I would definitely go, and I guess you have to address the fact that you know he's a pedophile. That's what I would do. I know who you are. I'd give him one of those speeches. Well, in New York City, you can't actually search by geographical location. Why not? You have to go backwards.

Fuck De Blasio. I hate De Blasio. He's a piece of shit, me too. We'll talk after the show, Ian. You have to search for your zip code and then go pedophile by pedophile. Really get to know him. It's like speed dating. What does Gregory Andrews do for a living?

He looks mean. Is this a pedophile that you found? You found one? Oh, these guys are all at 2110 Borden Avenue. Pretty much all of them are. That's probably a halfway house. That's a men's shelter, yeah. And there's also one on 2nd Avenue in Manhattan where it's an apartment complex full of pedophiles

because that's the only location that, again, like Marcus said, is away from schools and whatever. Well, it's almost weird that they have to, like, they mandate, you know, they got to live at least a thousand feet away. Because then it's kind of like, you know, the mentality of that with them is like, man, I really want to fuck these kids, but not if I got to walk down the street. You don't want to walk for it. You want to jerk it out the window. Just put them on a seven-story walk-up. Yeah, it's a pretty bizarre number, like a thousand feet. It's not that far.

Put that on Google Maps. It'll tell you four minutes. Right. Get a Fitbit and just use it in part of your exercise routine. There's about 60 sex offenders in 11101, our current zip code. Oh, okay. So some within a block radius and things like that. I mean, that's not a lot of area, too, I feel like.

This zip code, it's really not that big. It's really not. But, I mean, I could, if you want me to, I could go through and cross-reference all of them and have a full report ready by next week, but I can't do that right now. That would be good. We'll put you on that.

Cool, put me on that. Send me a memo. Yeah, I can see those results. I shouldn't have to send you a memo. I should just be able to put you on it, and then you just go do it. We've had this conversation in the past is that you quote-unquote put me on a lot of stuff. And then you might put Kevin on something else, but you don't tell me that you put Kevin on it.

So me and Kevin could be working together on this project together. Instead, we're working independently, and so things don't get done in time. That's why we need a weekly meeting. Yeah. Holden, you do have the weight of a leader. He's good. Yeah, he's a figure. Speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely.

Story time. Oh, man. It's the Golden Globes. Everybody watched it last night and everyone won. This time, you're going to make up your own award. I'm exhausted by this. I'm so tired. I thought we were doing no segment.

I was promised no segment. I was promised no segment, too. The rules are there are no rules. No segment today. No. He said no segment. I said no. We're having a segment because we got to have a segment.

All right. The Golden Globes were last night. Let's start over, Ben. The Golden Globes were last night, Ben. Apparently, if the fucking episode gets put out in time, we'll see. What is wrong with you? You're being bad girls club right now. Why am I upset?

And we have to make up an award, and then we have to give the award to somebody. Best high fives, and Michael Douglas gets the award. So anyone, like a celebrity, you just give it to a celebrity? I don't know, Ben. You can really do whatever. I mean, it just has to be someone

within the movie or television industry. And it has to be funnier than the one I did. I thought that was fine. I thought it was totally fine. It made me chuckle. Must be or we're just going to like cruise into a silent just oblivion by the end of this podcast and someone doesn't come up with something clever

and interesting to give an award to someone interesting. I think Ben Kissel, you can give an award to yourself for being best boy. Thank you. Alright. He is in the television industry. That's true. He's in there. Well, not really. Technically, you're in television. I have gotten paid.

Yeah! Look at you! We've all gotten paid. I got my SAG card. That's right. Let me show it to you. I'm not in the industry. You're in there. You're going to get in there, Marcus. I'm getting you in television. You don't want to do it, but that means you're I'm not in the industry. You're in there. You're going to get in there, Marcus. It's not in the downtime. Marcus, I'm getting you in television.

You hate it. You don't want to do it, but that means you're going to be good at it. I wouldn't be. Maybe. I don't know. We'll see. We're proud of you. We'll see.

Thank you. All right. Thank you. Best high five goes to Michael Douglas. Best high five, Michael Douglas. It's a shit answer. Hopefully, everyone else's will be better. Kevin, I believe in you.

Save the show. I say, right right now Best homemade spaghetti From scratch And that goes to Will Smith Because I do not know What type of spaghetti Will Smith makes

Or how he does Or even if he does But I do believe That if he tried It would be great Doubt it He's not even gonna be In Independence Day 2

He can go fuck himself He's not? No Why not? Randy Quaid? No Randy Quaid died At the end of Independence Day 1. Yeah. Me and Lupe had a long conversation about this earlier.

Yeah. All right. Pretty hyped for that movie. Will Smith's got accents to do, man. African shit. What about Jaden Smith? I think he's a fun kid. Yeah, he's fun enough.

Do you think he cooks? Maybe. All right. Probably not. No, I don't think that he fucking cooks, man. You think so? I don't know. I think he's been served amazing food his entire life.

Jaden is a hard worker and powerful thing. I love Jaden. I just don't know if he's a cook. Scientologists only eat powder food. Like Vince McMahon. Space ice cream, though. Everybody loves the space ice cream. I'm going to give my Golden Globe

to Mick Foley. What's the award? Most Falling Without Dying. Most Falling Without Dying. Which is actually a very fun award. The guy has fallen, he fell his entire career

and I just watched a great documentary about him. You have to check it out. What's it called? Well, I forget it. It's just on YouTube. I just Googled, I just YouTubed Mick Foley documentary and I hit play. I forget to check it out. What's it called? Well, I forget it. It's just on YouTube. I just Googled, I just YouTubed

Mick Foley documentary and I hit play. I forget what it's called. And it's phenomenal. So I give it to Mick Foley. He's been falling his entire life and hitting the ground really hard. And he's only been successful because he was sort of fat. Which is why he was able to, you know, not die.

The flip-flopper has spoken. Flip-flopper? I can't think of anything. No, no, no. No, no, no. Jackie, you suck if you don't do this. Best pee-pee. Best pee-pee goes to Tom Hanks,

League of Their Own. He's got a long pee-pee. League of Their Own? Also, Green Mile. He had a real good pee-pee in that, too. He had a good pee-pee in that? How many movies has Tom Hanks taken a pee-pee? So in this Golden Globe,

which is movies from all time. Did he pee in Philadelphia? Did he? I think he had a good pee pee in Castaway, too. Did he pee in Forrest Gump also? He had a great pee pee in Forrest Gump. Remember? I got a pee.

Oh my God, he's best pee pee. We just break this whole story. Oh my God, he's just peed in me. That's the key to success. That's the bread and butter. It's the pee to success. Tom Hanks is peed in more movies. Damn.

Jackie saved the show. You're on fire, Jackie. Tom Hanks has peed in more movies than any actor in history. Wow. Top ten. I got a list. Top ten movies where Tom Hanks urinates to move the plot along. Is there really a list of this? movies where Tom Hanks urinates to move the plot along.

Is there really a list of this? There's A League of Their Own. It's a pisticle. He does it in The Terminal. He does it in The Burbs. I didn't know. Where was the piece seen in that? He said he claims to use their bathroom so he can snoop around the house.

Yeah, so it's still a claim. Wasn't that that kid's film? The Terminal? No, The Terminal is the one with the airport. Yeah, he's the foreign guy that's stuck in the airport all the house. So it's still a claim. Wasn't that that kid's film? The Terminal? No, the Terminal was the one in the airport. Yeah, he's the foreign guy that's stuck in the airport all the time. You're thinking of Polar Express. Yes. He's serving hot cocoa.

He's no pee-pee in the hot cocoa. No pee-pee in the cocoa. The Money Pit, there was a pee-pee scene. Yes. Displayed his manly ability to pee. Of course, Forrest Gump. There was a castaway scene. They asked, let's see here. Yep, he runs around on the beach and then he pees.

I feel brilliant right now. That was lightning. That was incredible. I never realized that he definitely wins that award. Apollo 13, he talks about how astronauts pee in space. Does he have a pee thing? So this is a stretch of a pisticle here that we have. In Saving Private Ryan, he tells that story about how Vecchione pissed a V on one of the other guy's jackets.

Wow. And, of course, the Green Mile. Yes. And then Captain Phillips. What's he doing? He apparently pee-peed in that. Oh, right. I saw Captain Phillips.

When he was told the other guy was a captain, he peed himself. Yeah, and Mr. Piss. Oh, the movie Mr. Piss. He's the whole time. I forgot about Mr. Piss. Mr. Piss. Came out in the 70s.

He was a great butler. Mr. Piss, that actually won an Academy Award out in the 70s. He was a great butler. Mr. Piss, that actually won an Academy Award for best original song, right? Yeah, yeah. What was that song? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why. And it's like, that's the shit you can listen to all day. All day.

The Mr. Piss soundtrack was huge. It was the most successful soundtrack in the history of movies. Hypnotizing. Oh, man. I love that song. Why? Why? It's actually called How, which is the most obnoxious thing about the song.

You know, one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Yeah. That's something. Man. Ian? I mean, am I going to follow that? Yeah, you guys can say something. You're legally obligated to say that.

You are not Jewish? Golden Globe for the best... Golden Globe, again, by the way. PP. Golden Globe. The thing is coming together. Wow. Anyways, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, no, that's fine. Golden Globe for best fart in a movie. Howard Stern private parts. I like that. Real good fart. Fartman in the beginning of the film when he comes down from the stage. Buttman, please. Oh, I thought it was Fartman.

No, it's Buttman. No, it's Fartman. Is it Fartman? I got to say it's Fartman. I think I got you beat on this one, Marcus. You're right. It is Fart fart man i thought it was oh i'm thinking of the magazine butt man oh yeah oh is it a pornographic john sigliano's butt man no it's smut as fuck what other uh what other movies would be up for that for that award i'm thinking of what's the eddie

murphy um with the family? Nutty Professor. I would give it to Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. One of the funniest farts. Wonderful fart in that movie. Good farts in there. There's a lot of movies that involve a good fart scene. Oh, of course. Did John Candy ever have a good fart?

John Candy was more of a burper. He ate outdoors. He had a tough time. I don't think he farted. Candy was horrible. He was a bug. He had a tough time and I don't think he farted. He vomited. Yeah, he puked a lot. He ate the big steak. When he ate the pretzel? When he ate the gristle.

Ain't nothing left on there but gristle and fat. Gotta eat it all. Gotta eat it all. John Candy was great, man. There was something about the 80s and 90s and Canadian white people. Man, they're the best type of white people. John Kennedy. Rick Moranis.

Yeah, they're just fun. Kids in the Hall. You know who never hurt nobody? Michael. Catherine O'Hara. Catherine O'Hara. They were so sweet. Dan Aykroyd.

Eugene Levy. Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd. Yeah, there was many of them. The Canadians haven't given us anything in a very long time. Martin Short Yeah they've been kind of We got Bieber from

Fucking Michael J. Fox Canadian too He's old again Yeah he's twitching Look at him now You know No it's just I'm just saying like

We can't make fun of him No no You can never make fun of Michael J. Fox No I love Michael J. Fox but we got Bieber from Canada That was our That's our last The Bret Hart

Owen Hart The whole Hart dungeon The Canadians used to give us so much good stuff We got Dear Zachary from Canada. That's our last Brett Hart? Owen Hart? The whole Hart dungeon. The Canadians used to give us so much good stuff. We got Dear Zachary from Canada. Canadian judicial system. That was a set. Was Steve Martin Canadian? I don't think Steve Martin's

Canadian. No. He was raised by black people in the South. Connecticut? Too close. You're upsetting Ian. He's getting upset. Oh, yes, I understand that. Shania Twain is Canadian.

Who is Shania Twain? She's got a... Pamela Anderson. The name was Drake. Drake was Canadian. Pamela Anderson, also Canadian. I thought Drake was Canadian. Pamela Anderson is more French than Canadian.

Yeah, she's French-Canadian. Here's a shocker. Donald Sutherland. Whoa. Did not know that. Did not she's French-Canadian. Here's a shocker. Donald Sutherland. Did not know that. Did not know that. And Ted Cruz. Yeah. Ottawa. Or is it Calgary?

Wherever. Same difference. Also the dog that played Beethoven. Also Canadian. Oh, Chris Benoit. Remember he killed his entire family? That's not a good one. Canadian. Bad Canadian. That's a bad good one. Thank you, Canada. Canadian. Bad Canadian. That's a bad Canadian.

But then you got Neil Young, too. And Nelly Furtado. I didn't know Neil Young was from Canada. I always forget Neil Young's Canadian. Yeah, Neil Young's among the most famous Canadians. Yeah. Yeah, him and the band. They were like all up there in Canada.

Kevin, when you say Canadian, Canada has the better whites. Yeah, they got the best whites over there, man. We've turned a couple good ones out. Yeah, that's funny. America. Are you Canadian again? No, I'm not Canadian.

And you're not Jewish either? No. Why are you on the show? I don't understand. I'm converting. To Canadian? To Canadian Jewish. All right, well, I guess we'll wrap it up.

Who wins the award, Marcus? Who's award? Oh, Best P. Who wins Best Award? Oh, yeah, Best P. Who wins Best Award? Oh, yeah. Best P. Best Far was really good, too. Best Far was good.

It was a good follow-up. I would definitely watch that, Golden Globes. Yeah. We'll see all of you are hating on Best Homemade Spaghetti, huh? Best Homemade Spaghetti's fine. I just don't think it would have been Will Smith. Yeah. You don't think so?

Because he is a black man? No, it has nothing to do with that. It's a Scientology. I feel like none of them can cook. That's my blatant racism against Scientology. None of them cook. They only eat powder and pills that taste like things, like the Dr. Pepper jelly beans.

Oh, I bet Jeff Daniels makes really good lasagna. I bet you does, too. Dang, man. Every time someone's accused of racism, they say they hate blacks. They're like, no, I was just talking about Scientologists. They do that shit every single time. Oh, no, I'm open with what I usually hate on.

But Scientology, I hate the most. All right, people got to understand there's a difference between Scientologists and black people. Not all of us are Scientologists. No, no, just the smiths. But all Scientologists are black. That's exciting. Should we do Twitter things? Do you want anyone to follow you on Twitter?

Sure. Well, you're a Jack the Worm. Yeah, yeah. Ian, do you have anything you want to talk about? No one listens at this point, so you can really go off the rails. They do, they do. Twitter is just my name, Ian Fidance. I-A-N-F-I-D-A-N-C-E.

All right. My Instagram is I-Animal. I like that. All right. Holden. Catch me on Twitch, bitch. I am not even trying to blow smoke up your ass. I loved the YouTube clip you put on with you and Eddie playing Twitch.

Oh, man. I still got to watch it. I got to get that over to play some more Bloodborne. Hold Nader's hoe. Check it out. I would definitely want to do that. I want to get you guys over to play. I'll play.

Do a last podcast episode and do Until Dawn, the horror game. Would be a lot of fun. Nice. Or Alien Insurrection. Insurrection, I think. That would be another good option for a last podcast Twitch over my place. We'll probably do something like that soon. Isolation. Isolation.

Isolation. Inception. Both words. Kevin, get a Twitch stream. What's your new, what's the Twitch stream, bud? I didn't do it. I didn't make a Twitch stream yet, man. I should though. They got Twitches on both PlayStation and Xbox? I think so. There's probably Twitch integration on Xbox. I'm going to assume. I play more Xbox right now,

but I got the PlayStation. They got the share button on the PlayStation controller. Yeah, yeah. My PlayStation just at my bitch house though. So, you know, I play that shit

when she asleep. You know what I'm saying? I did that last night. Play some Witcher 3 while my lady. Your bitch. Your fucking bitch.

Say it. Your bitch. Say that shit. My bitch was asleep. Very good, Marcus. It feels a bitch. Say that shit. My bitch was asleep. Very good, Marcus. It feels wrong. When it comes from me, it feels real wrong. No, it's fun.

No, man. It feels just so right that you can't even comprehend it. I can't handle it. That is true. I can't handle it. You can find Kevin Barnett on Twitter at Fatboy. What is it? Fatboy Barnett.

Fatboy Barnett. But I will say this. Instead of y'all who don't follow me following me, that's y'all that do follow me. I say what y'all should do is unfollow me right now, and I dare you to resist looking at my timeline at least biweekly. Fuzzy Blacks. That's right.

And you've been actively trying to get people off your Twitter. Oh, yeah, man. I don't like this shit. Everybody looking at my thoughts. I'm a Ben Kissel. Follow me. That's nice. There wasn't a Ben Kissel.

You're lucky you. I'm the only one. Lucky you. There was a congressman out of Colorado, but he lost. Isn't that exciting? All day I dream about sex. That's what Adidas stands for And follow me on Spotify

What is it? It's just Marcus Parks I'm gonna do that I just got on Spotify I'm working on my playlist project I just finished with the 80s I'm hard at work on the 90s Go and follow me

You got into a huge Facebook battle. And I won. Well, you didn't win. No one ever wins in those situations. Well, I won for myself in my own estimation. Right, right, right. 1982 was a good year for music. 1982 was a terrible year for music.

People like to pretend that it was good, but it was not. To get your fucking Kate Bush out of my face. Everyone pretends to like Kate Bush. No one does. Yeah, it's garbage music. It's awful face. Everyone pretends to like Kate Bush. No one does. Yeah, it's garbage music. It's awful music. What's her fucking problem? Yeah.

No one knows. So bummed out, right? Isn't she a bummer? Yeah, she's a super bummer with a shit voice. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. It's like, let's go be with one of those, right?

Yeah, right. Bummer. Bummer woman. You should make all the Kate Bushes live together in a community. Now you got to pepper him out. Pepper him out so that no one community gets too bummed out. Good show.

Good show. Talk to you soon. Good evening. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.