The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 274: Nine Point Hate

Episode Date: January 19, 2016

Today of Round Table: The gang finds out which Garfield character they most resemble, they check out creepy woolen kids, and rate how much Ed Larson loves his girlfriend.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what fire will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. gentlemen, always civility.

It's your turn to pray, Ben. Oh, is it? Oh, my God. Dear Lord Jesus. Finally, a great Oscars. I'm just so happy with all the selections. But you know what I'm more happy about? The lack of others.

Really powerful Oscars. What do you think about Carol, Ben? I thought that was just one of the better names for a woman. Secret lesbian. So amen for the Oscars. Thank you, Jesus. All right, welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Thank you.

All right. Thank you for inviting us. When is this? When do we say thank you, Ben? When it starts now. I like it. Thank you, Ben, for having us all here. Thanks for coming.

Thanks so much, man. It's so great to be on your show, Ben. Yeah. No problem. What number episode are we at? 274. Let's celebrate that. 274 episodes.

274 times Ben has invited us on. So fun. Well, this is actually probably like, what, 280 or so. Remember all those ones we had to scratch when we were recording this in Marcus's basement? Oh, no. We didn't scratch any of the ones from the basement. Those are the classics. No, we didn't. Well, I lost one. We did three before

we even started. That is true. So I guess, yeah, and those were lost to the sands of time. And then a couple since then that were just bad. Yeah, I did 86 like three since then. Remember the Four Loko episode? That was great. Yeah, that one definitely made the air. We all remember the Four Loko episode? That was great. That was a rough one. Yeah, that one definitely made the air.

We all remember the Four Loko episode. Barely. I missed the genuine Four Loko. Yeah. Just fucking get angry. Yeah, I was scared to be around Kevin. You remember after the episode you tried to get us to go to a parking lot and pick a fight with someone?

That's great. Man, we really should have. That would have been a great memory for us. If you want a real Four Loko, what you have to do now is buy a Four Loko and then rub cocaine in your eyes.

Oh, yeah. Similar effect. No, better just pour a five-hour energy shot in it. That's a lot of fun. This is nice. This is like the podcast version of Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

But they don't own a bar, but they had a podcast. But we don't have lots of money except for Kevin. Oh, that's right. Kevin, how is your money? Oh, it's fine. Is it getting lonely? Because I know a special person who wants to spend a lot of time with it. Under my breath.

My breasts want to spend a lot of time with your money. Not with you, just your money. I did for a second today contemplate coming to the creek party because i'm wearing a friends the people have just because i like it as a hat right but i did for a second contemplate wearing a friends the people hat um a broad city shirt um i was gonna wear my eric andre shirt as a scarf and come in holding my guy code calendar just fucking brag the whole time. But then I got self-conscious and I didn't do it. You were on those other shows?

Yeah, I was involved in... I know guy code, but you were in Broad City? I'd consult on it. He's a writer for Broad City. I didn't know that. That's right. Head consultant.

Head consultant. Makes and pulls most of the strings. Doesn't Broad City just hire a bunch of black people to be consultants, though? I think so. Yeah. That's right. What is be consultants, though? I think so. What is that voice you heard?

I'm sorry. I should have waited for you to introduce me, but I had to. No, no, no. It was worth it. You make such a valid point about how Broad City hires black people as consultants so they can be racist and feel guilt-free. Exactly. It's a great point, Mike. Thank you. Racine.

It's good to pepper them in, you know? Pepper them. You got to pepper them. You don't salt them, that's for sure. What happens if you salt them, Jackie? Well, then they're not worth it. That's correct. Jackie Zabrowski's here.

Hey, coarse pepper. I'm talking coarse pepper. When you grind coarse pepper onto something. That means it's a good thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you salt a bad thing. Yeah, no means it's a good thing yeah yeah but you assault the bad thing yeah no it's just what happens on broad city they just write jokes and you tell them if it's racist or not that's what i imagine it is they're like they see how far they can get yeah it's exactly that yeah yeah i'm the host of this show i'll ask the questions

i'm sorry what happens on broad city they just jokes, and you tell them if they're racist or not? It's me and two other black chicks. Exactly. We review the materials and tell them about what the message they're sending to the masses is and whether or not our people can take it. That's perfect. Jackie, obviously, you are here. As a matter of fact, you and Ed look like a nice little combo.

Oh, yeah. We're both wearing our snuggle clothes. My little cuddle duds. I got my cuddle dud on. You have cuddle duds. I have a flannel. Do you want my mom to get you a cuddle dud? She totally will.

I would love one. For everyone out there who can't see you right now, describe this cuddle dud. Cuddle dud is basically a fleece plaid blanket that you wear that also has a hood. It has sleeves and you can put your thumbs through the sleeves. It's basically like I'm sleeping on my couch.

But I'm sitting here talking to you people. But my real question is, Kevin, is why does the Friends of the People only have it, it says Friends of the People underneath the bill of the hat and not on the hat. Is it for short people? Just in case.

Is it because you're tall? Is that a tall people hat? Because I'm offended as a short person that you have it underneath the bill so only I can see it. It's not very short person positive. It's because I got so much money that they think that everybody is looking up to me so they will see the hat from below.

And all the stilt walking you've been doing. Yes, yes, exactly. You can see what show he's on if he's raping you. That's great. Well, I'm so happy that- I don't know if he would. If he's raping you from behind, you can't see anything. Look, I took a risk, guys.

It's fine. Don't ever cut that out. Don't be jealous of Kevin's Friends of the People hat. That's how they paid him. They gave him a cap. Which is so nice. Eddie, you're here. Of course I'm here. I'm always here. Not always. I wasn't here last week.

But I'm here now. Or the week before that. I was there the two weeks before that. You're good? I'm great. How are you? I don't know. I want to get you in trouble. So you're moving in with your girlfriend. I am moving in with my girlfriend. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10? I would say 9.8. Oh, it took you too long to answer.

Oh. It took you too long to answer. Hesitation. I would say. Too long to answer. And what's that point do? Why? What are you guys doing to me?

Dangerous, Eddie. What's going on here? Too long to answer. 9. Immediately you say 10. 11. 12. That's your new answer. 9.8 is pretty high. You should have gone 11. You should have gone Nine. Immediately you say ten. Eleven. Twelve. That's your new answer.

9.8 is pretty high. Should have gone 11. It should have gone 11. I like my freedom. Oh. 9.8. Somebody's in trouble. Uh-oh.

Somebody likes his freedom. What does that mean? That means she keeps you caged out? Yeah. Don't throw ice. And he picked up ice and was about to throw it and hold it. It's violent. That's assault.

You've lived with a woman before, right? Yeah, I've done it. How'd that work out? It didn't. Oh, no? How much did you want to move in with that girl? What? How much did you want to move in with the first girl on a scale of 1 to 10?

Like a 9? It's ready to go. Ready to go? Ooh, sly. 8 and a half? No, no. It was a nine on that. Point eight higher, though, so it's better this time.

How in love are you with either one of them? How would you give? All right, so back when you were with the last one, how in love were you with her? One to five. With the new one, one to five. I love her. I love Julie.

I love her. She's Julie. I love her. She's wonderful. What's wrong with you? You signed the lease yesterday? I signed a couple days ago. You have to go back in time a couple days ago plus one. Do you sign the lease again? I signed it twice.

You signed it twice. That's a good answer. Now you're getting there. Take that clip, Marcus. Just take that clip and send it to Julie, please. It's also a sin to live with someone if you're not married. You know that, right? Good.

He's a Jew. The same rules don't apply. Good point. Not her. She's a hardcore Catholic. Okay. Hardcore practicing? I guess she practices.

That means she's going to hell for moving in with you. Good. That's right. They'll be together. Jew hell. Jew hell. It doesn't exist, but it's definitely worse. Nope.

That's just a casino Without penny slots Alright Holdenators Ho That was good Kissel I'm sorry Holden That's okay

That was really good I'll do it again Don't You don't need to Holden Hey Holdenators Hi

You know To the grave With all of us Uh Fartboy100 A.K.A. Pepperoni Man, is a badly retarded cum boy. He also was an old intern of the show, and he says dog meat more like dog skeet, because you would know what that meant, Marcus. Yeah, I know what skeet is.

Double tap maniac, I don't know what that means. And die for my sins says Jamie is the biggest development in cock sucking history. Wait, what does skeet mean? Like skeet, skeet, motherfucker. These get worse every week. says Jamie is the biggest development in cock sucking history. Wait, what does skeet mean? Like skeet, skeet motherfucker? Skeets get worse every week. I'm just saying what they say. I know you are and you do it at the top of the show. Yeah, every time.

I'm going to talk about what shows I'm doing this week. I don't have any. Holden, how's your Twitch going? Oh, great. We're going to be doing I'm going to have one of you guys over this Friday to Twitch stream either until dawn or I'll play some more Bloodborne with me. Friday?

Yeah, I haven't even asked you guys yet. Can you do it? Probably not. Okay. I don't know. I'll have to. I'm busy. I'm always busy. I did not ask you, Jackie. So we'll have somebody from the round table this week. Probably Bing, because he's the only person who hasn't said no yet. You know what? I'm interested. I'm interested.

It could be fun. We were just discussing before the show Norway. Andre Brevik, he killed 77 people. Marcus, do you remember that story where he hit a PS2 and he sued the Norwegian government for torture because he wanted the PS3? So now I'm thinking about video games. That's the thing, and it's good to think about video

games, you know? You get a lot done that way. You get a lot of jobs that way. You get money that way. That's not true. Everything you just said isn't true. Speaking of getting money, Kevin's bragging, but I got some kind of check that may or may not mean that my Taco Bell commercial aired somewhere. Whoa!

I don't know. It said air date 11-15. Decent check? Minimal. Small. What was it? Minimal and small. There were two different checks. Okay. Okay? I don. Small. What was it? Minimal and small. There were two different checks.

Okay. Okay. 50 each? Huh? 50 each? $50? Yeah. Oh, no, bro.

I'm buying boots with this check. You can guess how much. I'm getting a pair of boots. I don't like this brag part of the show. 45 each? No, no. Is this a brag part of the show? Brag corner.

Jackie, what are we bragging about? I don't brag. I don't brag. I got my cuddle dud on. It's all I fucking need., what are we bragging about? I don't brag. I don't brag. I got my cuddle dud on. It's all I fucking need. Sounds like you're bragging about your fucking cuddle dud. Yeah, man. I got this fucking cuddle dud strong and hard.

Everybody fucking believe I'm sweating right now, and I won't fucking take it off. Well, I'm sitting on poop money. All right, yeah. Let's hear. I want to hear this. What? How much money I got? Yeah.

He doesn't even know he hasn't gotten the check yet it is so he got two checks jackie uh let's let's play a guess in the commercial it said 45 guess how much it is i'll give you one clue it is less than a million dollars all right i bet you i think i know what it is 336 dollars and 14 cents that's really close does anyone want to say $1? No, I'm going to say $310. Does anybody say $1? $125. $45? $124.

$124? $229. Jackie wins. What was it? It was two something. Wow. So you're really doing great. But I got a different check that was a lot more than that.

I don't know what that means. That's wonderful. Well, congratulations, Holden. Thank you. You're a professional. I got close to more money than I had. Still didn't buy any beer for the show. You're just going to buy boots with the whole check?

That's great. And you can go and you can tell your FSU theater teachers that you're not a failure. No. I'm doing really well. You got boot money. It's fine. I'm SAG. Everybody knows it. Now I'm SAG. I shouldn't even be on the show. I should be getting paid lots of money to be on the show.

Yeah. Right? Cape Comedy Radio is not endorsed by SAG. SAG? Why not? We have no affiliation whatsoever with SAG. I haven't gotten an email or a letter or anything. Huh.

All right. Kevin? Yeah? You got a show on TV? Do you have a SAG card? Yeah, I got one. You got a SAG card? Yeah. That's great. Hey got a show on TV. Do you have a SAG card? Yeah, I got one. You got a SAG card?

Yeah. That's great. Yeah, I've had it. Perfect. And you're here. I'm here, yeah. You know. Yeah.

Best thing about your week, Kevin. Best thing about my week. Yeah, this whole week. What'd you do? What was great about it? Fuzzy Blacks. And how do you feel about the Oscars? I mean, it's fine, man.

Y'all doing real good. Thank you. Which is dope. I'm happy for you guys. There was a black guy? I mean, it's fine, man. Y'all are doing real good. Thank you. Which is dope. I'm happy for you guys. There was a black guy in Revenant, remember? He got killed. Yeah, yeah. He was out quick.

Don't ruin. Yeah. The Martians. He just looked at Indians and got killed. Yeah, he was like, oh, I'm George Washington Carver. I'm interested in mini peanuts. And then fucking Native American just fucking threw a spear through his eye. It was awesome.

You're a week too late making the George Washington Carver joke because we already made it on page seven. Thank you very much. Oh, damn. Crazy. Doing all kinds

of George Washington bits. Mike Racine, biggest brag? Biggest brag? Biggest thing you can brag about. I got a car a couple months ago

and the trunk was full of tomato sauce. Oh my God. I bought some tomato sauce. I bought some the trunk was full of tomato sauce. Oh my god. I bought some tomato sauce. I bought some Racine Brothers tomato sauce today. It's right here. I saw that transaction happen. $11 for a quart. Bloody Mary mix.

Get out of here. We've talked about this before. I mean, I got a good sauce too. We've talked about our sauces before. I mean, I ain a good sauce too. We've talked about our sauces before. I mean, I ain't going to go into no business. I ain't running no game here. You put onions in yours though, right? I respect your sauce. I don't put fucking onions in my fucking sauce. I love onions

in sauce. I don't put onions in my sauce. Are you sure that you don't want to put onions in there someday? I'm positive. Are you hitting on her, Mike? No, we're talking sauce. I don't sell sauce. We don't need to talk sauce. I'm just saying that I respect your sauce, but my game, my sauce game, is're talking sauce. I don't sell sauce. We don't need to talk sauce. I'm just saying that I respect your sauce, but my game, my sauce game, is also pretty hard. I will definitely confirm that Jackie's sauce game is the tops.

It's not a sauce podcast. It could be. It's a sauce podcast. Jackie and Ray's sauce throwdown. If you want to talk sauce, you can go on to Mike Racine's podcast where they talk sauce and other food. Y'all talk sauce? Well, it's called Stewed.

It's here on Cave Comedy Radio. I didn't know that. You talk sauce? Yeah, yeah. You talk like meatballs and shit? I listened to an episode of Stewed. I thought it was very funny. And it's with a fella, Tim Dillon, as well.

Yeah. But he's so thin. Tim Dillon? Yeah. Yeah, he's so thin. Tim Dillon? Yeah. Yeah, he's very thin. I feel like he doesn't know food the way I know food. Do you know who Tim Dillon is? You're thinking of Tim Dillon.

Tim Diamond. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very thin. I don't know Tim Dillon. So now it sounds like Tim Dillon, big guy. Quite large. Big guy.

Compared to a Carnival cruise ship. Oh, yeah. I apologize. And I'm sorry, and also I appreciate you, Tim Dillon, for being as big as Ed and I. So, Marcus, let's do it. Ben, how was your week? It was a good week. Good week for Kissel.

Good week for Kissel. Every week is a good week for Kissel. I'm always coming up Kissel. I don't know about that, buddy. Oh, well, you wouldn't know, would you? You're hitting it hard. You have the Heathered cardigan on again, and I really appreciate that about that, buddy. Oh, well, you wouldn't know, would you? You're hitting it hard. You have the Heathered cardigan on again, and I really appreciate that. That's correct.

You're back in the Steven Point outfit. Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Athletic shirt. I'm wearing it. I had a very nice week. My shirt. It is my shirt. I did Fox News' Greg Gutfeld show on Saturday.

I saw a clip of you from Eric, right? I don't know. How come you're not wearing a sports coat today? It's not a Joseph A. Bank day. It's snowing. It's snowing outside. That's right. That's right.

All right, Marcus. No, very excited. No, I had a great week. And it turns out I'm loved by a lot of powerful people. Who's that? I will not say. Barack Obama? Yes. Michelle Obama? Yes.

Michelle Obama? No. Rush Limbaugh? Correct. Sasha Obama? Sasha? Yes. Gray?

Malia? I love her. Katana? Malia's too young for you. They're all too young for me. Angelina Jolie? Johnny Cage? I'm going for the elderly.

I want a good old one. I think I'm going to marry old. Ooh, Helen Mirren. What is that? Oh, my God. Mike, would you not Helen Mirren? Oh, come on. Like you have to ask.

Everybody's... If you say no, you're a dumb fuck. You're a dumb fuck. She's a dusty fox. I let her shit in my mouth. Pasta sauce. All right, a little bit. All right.

Also, Racine asked me to piss in his mouth earlier, so I don't know. I told you that in confidence. Now I feel like I'm just some girl. You let anybody defecate in your mouth? That was special between you and me. All right, I'm sorry. Isn't that nice? Okay, Marcus, what's a news story?

A Dutch woman skilled in the ways of knitting needles may have found a solution to empty nest syndrome, a full-size woolen child. At first glance, her creation seems like a giant stuffed doll, but it's actually an elaborate onesie worn by her youngest son. She said her name is Marieke Vosluisius. She said the knitted son has characteristics of both my sons. The other one had just grown so much during the process that the smaller one was only able to wear it when it was finished. Here is a picture, if you guys will look up at the screen, of the woolen sun. Oh, my God.

Okay, so the kid's in there. There still has to be a child inside. Well, if you stuff it down You're still down a kid. You have to stuff it with a kid. No, but you can stuff it with a dead kid. Yeah, you could. She said, I am a professional knitter, and together with my colleague Barbara, we knit weird things.

To set the bar a little higher, I thought of knitting my son. Can I say, I love it knitting my son. Can I say, I love it. You love it? I love it. Why do you love it? Because, first of all, if they were in a... She's telling one son she likes the other son more than the other son. No, she just knitted one son and the other kid wears it. That's a...

That's not that bad. She died. They outgrew it. They outgrew it. If it's cold outside, though, don't you want this? I don't know if he can breathe all that well. It's knit. It's knit, but still, it's going to be kind of uncomfortable.

Oh, it definitely sucks on the face. Yeah. She said reactions have ranged from creepy to beautiful and thinks it would have therapeutic value for parents who have, quote, dead kids? Too much love for their children and a need to cuddle. Oh! All right, so that part gets creepy.

So she puts the kid... Am I confused here, Marcus? She puts the kid in this suit, and then she cuddles the kid. It's definitely easier to set the kid on fire. Yeah, because then he has to live with her for the rest of his life. His whole body is all charred. No one else will want you.

Your skin is burned. Right. Well, one kid, yeah, she knitted it. She worked on one kid, and then when he outgrew it, the second kid had to wear the skin of his older brother while she finished it. So what she can do, what can be done with this knitted man, this knitted boy afterwards, you can stuff

it full of, say, socks or whatever soft material you want to use and then you have a life-size boy that you can cuddle and pretend is your son. So it's for Italian mothers. You make a pact with it. Or Jewish mothers. Yeah, and you make a pact with the devil and drip a little blood onto its face,

and then it becomes a real boy. What's that shirt say? Punk's not dead. It's a very cool shirt on the fake boy. Right? But how funny is that? If you're the youngest, you talk about wearing hand-me-down clothes, and this person has to wear a hand-me-down knitted human suit.

Kind of bizarre. She's all about knitting. She also created a popular calendar of men in knitted underwear. I like this. See, that's fun. I actually like this. That's a fun thing. It's the Wisconsin reason you like this.

This is not a real thing. It shouldn't exist. If it was cold, it would be terrible. But actually, Kevin, do you really see anything wrong with what this woman's doing? Nothing wrong with it. You know, fucking it's weird as shit. I assume she also is probably fucking one of those kids at least. It's a little, it's just weird.

I don't got a problem with it, you know. Yeah. She can do it. It's cold out there, man. It is Switzerland. I feel like I would be more comfortable. Dutch. Netherlands. Yeah. Netherlands. So I would be more comfortable. No, wait. Dutch. That's Holland.

Netherlands. So they're all stoned. So you see this little weird person walking around. I'm stoned. I hate it. Are these one of those countries that, like, Bernie Sanders always likes to talk about? Like they're better than us? They're all happy.

I know that. You don't think Holland's fucking better than us, Mike? It is. No, it is. I'd rather watch the kid wear the whole skin suit of a dead sibling than watch him wear a knitted suit of another sibling. It's really bad. It's gross.

Because it looks like a skin face. It looks like a skin mask on top of his face. It looks like he's living in Jacob's Ladder. He looks like Leatherface. I feel like you guys are overreder. He looks like Leatherface. I feel like you guys are overreacting. It's not Leatherface. Leatherface wore other people's skin on his own face as a mask. At least he has skin on his skin.

It's just knit. I just, like, get that Oscar Isaac pillow. You know what? You want a pillow to cuddle with? Kid from the wall. Marcus, doesn't it make you feel like you're in a video game or a cartoon world? If you're Super Stone and everyone's wearing knits outskins. This is my solution.

You want to hear my solution? Let's hear it. Put a greyhound in it. Put a tall, slender dog that can maybe walk on its back feet in the suit. Let it go around, shake hands with kids and stuff. No, you put a manatee in it. You throw it in the ocean. And then it's like, oh, it's a human that could live underwater

Let us through its fucking mouth hole it doesn't fucking know any better. It's dumb. It's a sea cow that could work. Yeah Man you ever seen a manatee murder someone no video right now. It takes it's a slow They munch too much munch they don. Because they munch. They munch too much? They munch. They don't gnaw. They munch. It's not eat them. They just lay on them.

Yeah, they just got smothered. And a person can be held down by the weight of one? I thought that they were kind of pretty easy to kind of bug off you. Or is it because your wife's screaming at you? You're on summer vacation. You're just like, fucking, fucking kill me now. Just lay down, starfish out, and let the thing just munch your cock and your balls off. You're stuck in a sewer cap.

No, they don't kill people. Manatees don't kill people, though. Oh, only when you make them. Is that true? Are you being true? Manatees will kill people, absolutely. No, they're scared of motorboats, and they eat lettuce. I don't think they eat people

But what you think happens When their back is against the wall I think they get scared And I think they die out of fright I found on Angelfire.com Angelfire.com Yes

Angelfire.com Slash home Slash ocean place Slash faq.html It says Do manatees ever attack people? The answer, manatees are very calm and peaceful creatures

not known to attack unless they are provoked. They often enjoy human contact and may approach a swimmer or diver for want of a belly rub. They love to swim with people. I have definitely rubbed a manatee's belly before. They're the bears of the sea in that sense.

Oh, they're so cute. They're not bears of the sea. Give them some honey and rub their belly. They're Xanaxed bears of the sea. Yes. Oh, I could see you being a manatee. Yes. I don't know.

Yeah, a thousand percent. Put a flipper on you. Can you write a manatee into your script and make Eddie be it? Always room for manatees, man. Hell yes. Hey, you know, some of them hang out in the sea. That's great.

Manatee Ed, what's your favorite thing to do when you go to the park? Oh, you know, when I'm in a park, I like to... Smoke weed in the corner? Eat lettuce.

You're a dumb manatee. No. Manatees are horrible. No, they're not horrible. We just figured out that they weren't horrible. I don't like them. Best fish of the sea, the net. Give it to us.

They're not a fish. They're a mammal. You love the dolphin, but you don't like the manatee? Five best sea creatures? Yeah. Great white shark, bull shark. One and two. Orca number three, sea creature.

Wow, I can't believe I have not heard the D word yet. This is fucking unbelievable right now. If they had shoulder pads on and walked on land. I thought you loved dolphin the creature. You have been a big proponent of dolphins as a creature. Hold on, hold on, hold on. How many creatures are in the sea? A lot.

A lot. But you love dolphins. You're a brute. Number four. What a weak spine you have. You understand the football team is named after the animal, not the other way around.

Whoa. What's going on here? Do you love your girlfriend? What? 9.8. More like 9.8. You're running a political campaign based off of your relationship we'd all be just going 9.. A solid 9.8. Wow. Going to end badly. Are we cursing the relationship right here and now? It's already been cursed today. As soon as Ed opened his mouth up.

Well, let's just do a roundtable. You don't have to live with somebody for it to be a good relationship. Sometimes it's better when you don't live together. No, but they're already living together. They're about to. They just signed up. Ed, what are the three things she could fix about herself to bring us up to a ten?

Be honest. The people need to know. She can get taller. What? How could she be taller? Jackie, take it easy. God, you gotta fucking climb a beanstalk to kiss her? She can make more money. You want her to have more money. You want her to have more money

and you want her to be taller. More money would be nice. And she's got those weird ankles. No, no, she's got great ankles. She's got great ankles, Mike. What's wrong with you? What else? This is good.

She could like football more. That would bring you to a 10. If she liked the Dolphins, she'd be a 10 for sure. Am I mistaken? You want her to make more money, you want her to be taller, and you want her to like football more, you want her to be me. Is that right?

No. She probably makes more money than I do, but you know, for the joke. She's a piece of shit in all the other areas. Well, all right. What does she do for a living? She works for BuzzFeed. Yeah, she's got it great. Yeah, she's actually really successful. They got a candy room over there.

I interviewed for a job there. Yeah, Holden, you interviewed for a job at BuzzFeed. Yeah, it didn't like me. I think maybe it was my breath. I'm pretty sure they hired her instead of you. Really? So you could be dating Ed right now. I could be dating Ed right now.

Maybe enjoy that sweet, sweet candy room. You like football more, right? No. You definitely don't make more money. He's not taller than her. He doesn't make more money than her, and he doesn't like football. All right, so you're in your Knicks. You don't have to date Ed now.

Yeah, at least there's that. At least I don't have to date Ed now. It was funny, though. You wanted that so bad, the job there at BuzzFeed. Very much so. Yeah, you went in, and then you did the audition, the interview. And I left. They hated you. What were some of the questions they asked you?

Favorite cat was their favorite internet cat. Did you say grumpy cat? There was one. It was favorite internet cat. Did you say grumpy cat? You gotta say grumpy cat. Did you say grumpy cat? There was one. It was favorite internet cat. Did you say grumpy cat? You gotta say grumpy cat. I don't know. And they said it was an obvious one. I think I did say that.

And they were like, well, that's kind of obvious. You should have said Garfield. Garfield's my favorite cat. That's an internet cat? That could be Garfield without Garfield? Absolutely. No, absolutely. If you said Garfield, you can say Garfield without Garfield as an internet thing.

Garfield would have been an extremely acceptable answer for favorite internet cat. So does that mean I can be, now can I work for BuzzFeed? Would you like an interview? Yeah. I'll talk to them. I'll let them know. Can you let them know? I have their card.

Heathcliff is poor man's Garfield. He's trash Garfield. I love Heathcliff. No, but he likes to party, man. Yeah, but he's trash Garfield. But he's in the street. He's trash Garfield. No, but he likes to party, man. Yeah, but he's trash Garfield. But he's in the street. He is trash Garfield. We've had this conversation so many times, I swear to God.

Have we really? Yeah. But Heathcliff never made the transition from the newspaper over to the internet. The big screen. He made it to the TV cartoon. He made a TV cartoon, but Heathcliff has zero internet presence, while Garfield is all over the place. Why is that? Because Garfield's the fucking best. He was just like the TV cartoon. He made a TV cartoon, but Heathcliff has zero internet presence, while Garfield is all over the place. Why is that?

Because Garfield's the fucking best. He was just like the number two orange cat. What about the riffraff? Riffraff, that's right. But was Heathcliff significantly different than Garfield? Oh, absolutely. Heathcliff, no. He was more of a hobo.

Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one will do as the neighborhood. I don't know shit about Heathcliff, man. You don't. Heathcliff, no one will. Yeah, because Garfield's a house cat. I don't know shit about Heathcliff, man. You don't know Heathcliff? Garfield was the Cosby show and Heathcliff was Married with Children. Yeah, Heathcliff was street.

No. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. No, you can't say Garfield was the fucking Cosby show. No. You went beyond the Cosby show. Yeah, Garfield had

a lot of stuff going on. I know I'm saying in PC just very clean comedy. You don't remember the Bertha line. The Bertha line was pretty intense. I have read every single Garfield many, many times. Right there with you. It gets weird.

It gets dark. That's a lot if you've read it all. It's the whole power stick where he has a power stick for a while. He's got this big stick, and he decides that he's got the big stick. That means he runs fucking everything, so he just nudges everybody. He becomes a dictator for a few months. Yeah, Garfield's always been a dictator. No, no, you don't understand.

Either way, you should have said Garfield in the BuzzFeed interview. No, I'm behind you 1,000%. My girlfriend just got me some old-timey Garfield books. I'm very happy. Oh, man, when he's drawn all real fat too. Yeah, when he's drawn super fat and Odie's got the real skinny neck. And he's got the tiny eyes. And there's that weird bachelor, that roommate that John had

for a little while. And that's all weird. We don't even know what's going on with that. John is homosexual. Well, I mean, he's with a woman now. John's bisexual. Back in the 70s, he was swinging with the dude back in his bachelor days. And he always loved the veterinarian assistant. Arlene.

But then he was with fucking Bertha for a while, and that was really weird. But I think at the end of the day, honestly, I'm going to throw out asexual. I'm going to throw out asexual. No, no, no, no. He was always trying to get dates, and Garfield was always having to talk him down when he came home, and it didn't go well. Because John was real bad at dating. Because I feel like he didn't really want it. I feel like he just wanted someone. just he just didn't want to be alone every time I go into date mode he get

Those squinty gross eyes, and he'd like try to be all smooth, and it was gross Yeah, it was super gross, and he always wore a bow tie and He always was mismatched on all his clothes. He was very hapless my girlfriend got me a bow tie for Christmas She got me a box of ties with like five ties. There a bow tie for you yeah I was like what do I work for P Diddy thank God you found a way out of that Garfield I didn't realize it was possible to be that in a Garfield I thought it was just some people look that way oh this is all right and then you moved on with the rest of your life every single book I love Garfield.

They were in our bathroom growing up. We're done with the Garfield statement. How many people are talking about Garfield? No, Mike broke it with a great line because he's learning how to do podcasts well from the podcast dude. I got my goggles done on. I feel like I am Garfield. I love you, Julie.

9.8. 9.8. BuzzFeed. 9.8. What do you give Garfield out of 10? A thousand. There. 9.8. BuzzFeed. 9.8. What do you give Garfield out of 10? A thousand. There you go. That's the answer you should have given it.

That's the answer you should have given it. That's the real answer. A hex on the whole thing. And we can all hear the lack of love in your voice. It's sad, Ed. Mike, what do you think? I think BuzzFeed might be run by the devil, though, to be honest. Because I was looking at one of their videos, and they had this thing.

They were like, hack your Chipotle order. How to get more Chipotle. And they were like, what you do is you go in, you order a burrito bowl with a tortilla. You get half white rice, half brown rice. You order half black beans, and you get like 40% more. Is this how we're going to live our lives? Just by being scoundrels? You've got to get fatter any way you can.

If you're a listener and you're a fan. Who's trying to game the system? Just pay for the extra stuff. Or just go get the goddamn, it's supposed to fill you up. Right, and it totally does. Right. But also, aren't they like closing down all the Chipotles? Aren't they killing everybody?

No, people are just weak. No, they're closing them for a day to give them some supply training or something. Because their pork was contaminated or whatever. That's what you get for being an infant who eats pork. They got to go in and fucking sit there through class. That's fine. If you're a listener and you're also in love with Ed's girlfriend, you think she's a 10, write in.

We'd love to hear from you. That's right. Send her some pics. Maybe there's someone who could be more excited about Ed's girlfriend than Ed. Maybe there's someone who deserves her more. That's right. Still surprising me that Nermal is a boy. I'm sorry.

I'm watching Marcus take a... Are you Garfield? Taking a trip down Garfield Lane? I'm actually taking a BuzzFeed quiz right now. Are you a Garfield or are you a normal? Just give me a second. Oh, wait. Normal is the little skinny gray hat?

What are the questions, Marcus? Which bothers you more, messiness or Mondays? Well, obviously Mondays. Obviously Mondays, yeah. Wow. Can we start with number one and see what the podcast in general is? I thought you hated Garfield talk. I'm interested in quizzes.

Let's take a Snoopy quiz. Uh-oh. All right, so vacation or staycation? Vacation. No, staycation. Staycation. I'm staycation. You are not a Garfield.

No, I'm a staycation guy. John or Odie? Hold on, hold on, hold on. We didn't get the full. Yeah, that's right. No, I mean, we got a majority here. Okay, fine. Kevin, vacation.

Staycation. Vacation. Vacation. See, Kevin, I'm staycation. Staycation. I mean, we got a majority here. Kevin, vacation. Vacation. Vacation. Vacation. See, Kevin, I'm staycation. Staycation. I'm stay. I go stay. Are you vacation or staycation?

Vacation. Vacation. Two to five. Oh, we got seven, so it works out no matter what. John or Odie? Odie. Odie. I like John.

You like John? I guess Odie. But that's normal. I know it's normal, but at the same time, I love Odie. Odie. Odie. I like John. You like John? I guess Odie. But that's Nermal. I know it's Nermal, but at the same time, I love Odie. Don't try to game the system. Don't think about it. I'm gaming it, baby. Don't game the system.

Just answer honestly. Whatever comes to mind first. He's a dumb dog. He doesn't bother us. Nermal is another, like, he's a pussy boy cat that Garfield, like, kind of bats around. He's cute. And he's really cute. And everybody loves him, that Garfield like kind of bats around and he's really cute and everybody loves him and Garfield fucking hates him. I'll throw you through the window if you make that voice again, Jackie.

You want me to take your back? I'll throw you through the window. I think maybe I'm a pussy boy cat and maybe she could be turned on by it. 9.9. Whatever. So are we going John or Odie?

We're going John. I'm going John. All right, we're going John. Yeah, yeah, John. What sounds more appealing, napping or sunbathing? Napping. Napping. I think we're all in agreeance on napping.

Hold on, did you go John or Odie on the last one? John. We're going John. How'd you go John? Because I'm saying executive order. Because four people, John. How'd you go John? Because I'm saying executive order. Because four people said, oh, or four people said John. Because he invited us to do this podcast. We have to do what he says.

9.8. I don't think any way we're John. We're John. Fuck John. He's such a piece of shit. He's a great guy who takes care of a dog and a cat. He barely takes care of a cat. He doesn't barely take care of a cat.

Garfield runs a joint. Garfield is, he's in desperate need of John to buy the food. I mean, have you ever seen Garfield in the grocery store? Did you ever watch Garfield the Halloween special? He can get what he fucking wants. Have you ever seen Garfield buy cheese? Candy, candy, candy. Ben, I don't know if you noticed, but you got sucked in arguing about Garfield pretty hard.

The Garfield Christmas special is pretty great. It's great. The grandpa's dead. It's so upsetting. It's very upsetting. We got to continue here. What is your deadly sin? Sloth or pride?

Lust. Sloth is just being lazy. You're a sloth. Sloth. Yeah. I'm too lazy to even know the meaning of sloth. It's an animal called a sloth. We're going to go sloth. All right. Sloth it is. We got to go sloth. Sooth. Yeah. I'm too lazy to even know the meaning of sloth. It's an animal called a sloth. We're going to go sloth?

All right, sloth it is. We got to go sloth. So what would you rather eat? Chicken or actually fish? Fish and lasagna. Fish on rice or lasagna? I'm lasagna. Oh, come on.

Do you have to add fish on rice? Yeah. All right, fish on rice. No, we're going lasagna. Okay. Is Garfield unjustly mean to Nermal? Yes. Yes.

No, Nermal's a little fucking pussy. No, Nermal's a fucking pussy. Nermal's hot. I'm going Jackie. Nermal is a boy cat. Jackie Winston. You little gay cats. 8.8 on Nermal.

You are. Jackie Winston. Only one point left. And the woman he claims to be in loveal. You are wrong. Only one point left. And the woman he claims to be in love with. That's sad. Wow. A cartoon character. If you're listening to this right now,

headscore friend, how does it feel to be one point above Nermal? Oh, shit. Where are you putting Dan Marino? Oh, Dan Marino. I mean, it's a whole separate thing. Oh, whatever. You can't. You got Nermal and Julie on the same scale. You got to throw Dan Marino? Oh, Dan Marino. I mean, it's a whole separate thing. Oh, whatever. You got Nermal and Julie on the same scale.

You got to throw Dan Marino in there. You're moving with Dan Marino. Who would you rather move in with, your girlfriend or Dan Marino? Dan Marino, you see that joint? Ow. Whoa. Yikes. Ow.

I guess it doesn't matter if she listens to this part, because at this point, she's already gone. This. You can piss off at least. No longer in need of you, Ed. So, is Garfield unjustly mean to normal? Yes. Yes. Yes?

No, the answer is no. The answer is no. What are you talking about? Why are you just listening to that? Again, it's a Democratic vote. He doesn't even know normal is. He just, the only one that said no. I said no.

Yeah, we're going no. Is Garfield unjustly mean to normal? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Jackie isn't. She was confused. I was drunk and confused. Me too, baby.

All right. No, I can argue that way out of this. Marcus, the next. All right. Pick a sleep essential, a teddy bear or a sleeping mask. Teddy bear. Teddy bear. Sleeping mask. Yeah, sleeping mask. But I guess we're going to go for a teddy bear or a sleeping mask teddy bear bear bear sleeping mask yes sleep my mask but I guess we're gonna go for a 10 you know what we're going for yeah I know we're going for your game in the system and you're not

being honest I'm sorry I like no no I hate sleeping masks. I don't like anything on my face, I'm sure. I also don't want anything on my ears. I never wear a sleeping mask. Never? All right. Okay, so which are you more of, sassy or sweet? I'm sweet. Sassy. Sassy.

Oh, we're a sassy bunch. Yeah, we're sweet. I'm sassy. I wanted to be sweet, but I'm sassy. I'm sweet. You're sweet. Kevin, definitive decision. I'm going to say sassy, man.

All right, can we get this over with? Good idea, Mike, but we won't. I didn't realize this was so long. There's a lot of them. Can we just say we're Garfield and continue on? There's still like eight more questions. Let's just do it. What are you more likely to do, overspend or oversleep?

Oversleep. Overspend. Yeah, we're going to say overspend. Ooh, okay. Which bothers you more, Mondays or messiness? Mondays. Mondays. We already answered that.

No, that was back more in the middle of it. We went back to the beginning. Which are you more of Mondays or messiness? Mondays. Mondays. Where did he answer that? No, that was back more in the middle of it. We went back to the beginning. Which are you more of, introvert or extrovert? Introvert. Extrovert. Introvert. What? No, we're extroverts.

Introvert. Are you serious? Extrovert, okay. Pick a pop star. Who are they? Miley Cyrus. Adele or Taylor Swift. Adele.

Adele. Adele. Adele. Adele. Adele. I hate both of them. Actually, Taylor Swift. How dare you? I'm team Swift. I'd rather or Taylor Swift. Adele. Adele. Adele. Adele. Adele. I hate both of them. Actually, Taylor Swift. How dare you?

I'm team Swift. I'd rather pick Taylor Swift, I guess. Eddie. Eddie. No. Eddie. What's what? You like Adele?

Yes. I love Adele. I love Adele. I didn't know you loved Adele, too. All I do is listen to Adele. Oh, my God. I love her so much. Hello.

What? Is it me? She's that singer who's in the Jacket Club? She's the British beautiful singer. The men that she has around her, they're not worthy. She's the best. Did you see that karaoke? Don't even want to think about how many times I've seen it.

Adele played the guitar. So does Taylor Swift. No, she fucking doesn't. You, you. No, she fucking doesn't. Adele's like 40. Yeah. No, Adele is 20. Adele's like 40. Yeah. No, Adele is 20.

She's 25. You fucking dumb shithead. She names every album after her age. So? The next one is called 25. So she's 25. I don't like Adele at all. You're an idiot. Oh, God.

I don't want to. No, but you are on this. You're stupid. So we got one more question. Pick your favorite wait what did we go with Adele I'm team Swift bro I'm for Swift thank you Adele Swift so I'm where we at we're going for Adele thank you I like Adele but I will say this man today I watched this video of this young black

child a girl playing you can't be this young black child, a girl, playing the Adele song. You can't compare Adele to a young black child. She was playing the song Hello backwards on the piano, singing it in four languages. Sounded great. Why would she play it backwards? And why is white America not talking about her? Why would she play it backwards? I'm apologizing for white America right now.

I'm sorry. Y'all take everything from us, man. Even the one time we got a black child singing a white woman's song, y'all won't acknowledge it. She played it backwards. She played it backwards. Yeah.

She played it all wrong. It sounds very hard, but it sounds... And isn't the song in English? Sounds like she fucked up. She did it in four different languages. I know, the song's in English. Yeah. She did her own thing, man.

That's black improvisation and ingenuity. That's wonderful. So Adele wins it. That's black improvisation and ingenuity. That's wonderful. So Adele wins it. Adele, I guess, wins it. So we've got one last question. Which cat you going with? The cute little kitty on the left or the grumpy cat on the right? Grumpy cat on the right.

The cute one on the left. I'd say the cute one, man. The cute one? Yeah. You know, it's funny that they wouldn't hire me based off of my answer of grumpy cat when they're using this shit in their fucking dumb quizzes. It's not the Grumpy Cat. No, that's the Grumpy Cat.

Ben, you gotta take a 800 number. Do you know what this is? This is actually a creditor. Do you want to hear it on speakerphone? Yeah, sure. We gotta wait for Jackie to get back before we... Hello, how you doing? I'm a fun concern. Is Ben G. Kis you doing hello that's correct my name is jason i'm calling on a recorded line on behalf of capital one how are you

i'm doing so good so rich oh man how much what? What's the debt at? $693. Not bad. It's doable. You can pay that off today. All right. Well, what are the steps?

We were just calling to try to see if we could arrange a payment. How do you want to get paid? That one doesn't have a lot of money in it. All right. Can I do 20? All right. Can I do 20? Alright. Just do 20. I don't have a lot. Do you even have 20?

I don't know. I don't know. What? Yeah. I'll bleep it out later. Yes. All right, so Ben Kissel, today you provide Capital One with one separate authorization for electronic debits

from your bank account ending in... Why did you... ...authorize $20 to be debited on or after January 19th? Hey, that's my birthday. Yes. Why are they calling on a Sunday night? Does the man know he should be at home with his family? Get rid of him already.

All right, thanks so much. How are you doing? Are you doing well? You doing okay? He's fucking hot. All right. are you doing? Are you doing well? You doing okay? You fucking... Alright. So that's my life. Anyway, Capital One, welcome.

You're welcome for the 20 bucks. Okay, Jackie, cute cat or grumpy cat? Oh, I guess grumpy cat, just because my niece loves grumpy cat. Okay, I guess Grumpy Cat, just because my niece loves Grumpy Cat. Okay, well, Grumpy Cat's going to get it. Oh, we got Garfield.

Yay! You're a master of sarcasm, Arwidian culture. We know what Garfield is. You probably know all the best restaurants in town. Your Netflix TV show watching is on point point and so is your pop culture knowledge. You can be a bit arrogant and cynical at times and you're infamous for eating off other people's plates. Oh my god, is this about

me? Is this mine? You're probably also a ruthless prankster. You hate Mondays and anchovies with a passion and probably have a sentimental object that you secretly love dearly. Possibly your... My significant other. Yeah, I was going to say your cuddle dud.

Oh, my cuddle dud. Yeah, no, I got my cuddle dud. He's much better than a boyfriend. He's a he. My cuddle dud is a he. What do you rate, Doug? What do I rate, Doug? Yeah.

A million. No, you can't say a million. Yeah, I said a million. It's up to 10. No, no, no, no. 10.5. I'm just happy I only owe $600. That's pretty good.

How long have you been gone without answering that phone call? Sitting on it for a while. I love how they just straight up took $20 from you. Well, yeah, we'll take it. That's not even going to cover the interest for this month. No, not at all. Yeah, it's really not even money. Anyway, exciting.

All right. So we're Garfield. We're Garfield. I'm such a Garfield. Should we do another news story? Yeah, sure. Let's do one more. Here's a crime to chew on.

Shut up. You want Marcus to shut up, Holden? No. It's just the way he looked at me when he said that. It is a crime to chew on, Holden, where the suspect got away with a $1,500 wad of gum. Okay. Video surveillance shows a man arriving by taxi at a pharmacy in Toronto, walking to a candy aisle, then walking out with a garbage bag stuffed

full of chewing gum. Wait, is this Henry? Henry Zabrowski from Heroes Reborn? Heroes Reborn, it's been canceled, Jackie. Did you know? No one told my family. That's right. I'm sorry to tell you.

Yeah. But we watch it every week. What's going on in the show right now then, Jackie? Oh, man. Henry is, he learned how to hopscotch. What's his character's name? Yeah, Henry. And Henry has been hopscotching, and the other heroes don't know how to hopscotch,

and he's like, you jump over the one with the rock on it. And they can't do it because it got all these powers. And swords. Apparently Henry's character's name is Quentin. Because one of my family members texted me, Quentin, no, why? And I was like, why did you text me that? And they were like, oh, because it's Henry in the show.

Oh, okay, good. We don't watch it. Nice to see you connecting with your family again, Ed. It did get canceled. It's gone. They announced it on Deadspin. Deadline. Is it Deadline?

Deadline, yeah. But we do have a gentleman in the house with a Heroes Reborn hat on. Where did you get that from? That's right. There's a listener who's watching. Come on up to the microphone. You've got to talk in the microphone. Okay, so I was boning this chick, and I stole the hat from her because I know Henry's on it.

But I've never seen an episode of the show. The only thing I know is from Holden, who makes some of the video game graphics on the first episode. Ah, yeah. Go for you. The bad graphics. Go for you. So how did the girl get hold of it? I didn't ask her about it because then she would have noticed that it was gone.

Oh, I know. It's smart. All right. So you fucked this girl. He didn't have sex with the girl. The whole story was one of the most fucking flamboyant lies. Of a canceled television show. If it was true, though, he's the coolest dude of all time.

What a vicious lie. I can't call that girl back. I stole her hat. Now she's got two things she's regretting. What a vicious lie. I can't call my girl back. I stole her hat. Now she's got two things she's regretting. Not to mention, even if the story was real, you banged a chick who bought a Heroes Reborn hat. No, maybe she just got it, though. I don't think they sold them.

It was a must that you just gave them away. Yeah, they really wanted people to like that show. And a lot of people did. All right. Some people did. That's what I said. A lot of people did. Henry did a great job on the show.

Henry did a great job. That's what my mom says. My mom calls me every week and tells me how great Henry did on the show. You've sold shows, Kev. My mom hates the show. Yes, your mom hates a lot of things. My mom hates the show, too, but she loves Henry on the show. Your mother loves the show. She loves Henry on the show. Yes, your mom hates a lot of things. My mom hates the show, too, but she loves Henry on the show. Your mother loves the show.

She loves Henry on the show. Yeah. Can't get enough of him. My mom actually stopped watching it. Biggest problem with Heroes Reborn, Kev? Biggest problem with it, I mean, it is amazing how uninteresting you could make a show about a town full of people with superheroes that are going to destroy the world potentially. I mean, I've only seen the first episode.

Henry did a very good job. Henry was great in it. Henry was awesome. And that one that we all watched? And that one we watched, but I hear updates from my mom, and apparently he's doing a very good job in the show. That's so fun. So Henry was in a television show,

but then, Mike, you still have pizza sauce, pasta sauce. Oh, yeah, I got like two cases in my trunk. And you can't cancel that. Isn't that fun? Be an entrepreneur. You've been on Conan, though, right? One thing these Jews can't take away from you. Yes, I was on Conan. You can't make a sauce the way we make a sauce!

Yes, I was on Conan. How was your Conan experience? It was fun. It was a while ago. It was a while. It was great, though. 2014. Yeah. Oh, wow. You're a big star.

At the same time, though, I'm going to say, Mike, you are the only person I know that have gone on Conan that I actually watched the set up, and it was fantastic. I texted you about it. You texted him about it? Oh, yeah, just randomly, just like a couple months ago, because I just rewatched it. You said I was like the only good one or something. Yeah, I watched a bunch of late night. I completely agree it's very difficult to be funny on late

night and Mike you did you were funny and uh hold it how was the buzz fees in there I was like how are your late night sets doing oh my god I'll tell you one thing I was propositioned to do a late night set what happened well It was at a bar somewhere. You wouldn't fuck the guy? Yes. No, I'm full of stand-up comedy jokes. Yeah, Racine gave me a high five for that joke. All right.

Love it. Check your hand for cum. Oh, God. Should I rub it on my pussy and maybe we can have a child? You got to get it inside if you want to have the child. You're right. Someone give me a minute. You can't just rub it on the lips.

I thought that's what... I thought if you sat in a toilet and there's sperm on the toilet... If you put it in a tub and you get... If you fill a tub with water and you put it in the tub and you sit in the tub... That's how you make survivors. Yeah. Hell yeah. How would it know if the pussy wants to eat it if it doesn't rub it on its lips?

Yeah, because the pussy wants to eat all the sperm. You just got to get close enough to the lips. It doesn't make any sense. Well, that's our show, everybody. How would you know if the pussy wants to eat it if you don't rub it on its lips? Does that make sense? So do you have to rub food on your lips before you know if you're going to want to eat it or not? Of course.

We would be a lot thinner, Ed, if that was true. I take my time. I just take lots of time. Yep. What's happening? I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's time for a second.

We have a story going on. I was like, what are we doing? A marathon? What is it, for charity? Anyways, Jesus Christ. Oh, we're doing hour 12 of fucking bone cancer charity. Good Lord. Fucking God.

Mom, donate $1,000. We must be doing a fucking bone charity. I feel like we've been here for about 15 hours. A time warp and a time collapse. I think it was the Garfield segment. And I love Garfield I think that's what really spun me out I don't know how that happened

I don't know what happened I made you all do it It was so long It was like 30 minutes You're listening to this right now, it's MLK Day Because you wait for the moment the episode drops And you immediately start listening to it So it's MLK Day

Wait, does that mean everybody is off tomorrow, right? No, of course not. What are you kidding? Are you fucking – no. I mean, I'm not off tomorrow. I don't think a lot of people have off. Some people do. Is the post office closed?

Yeah. I think it is. That's negotiable. I think too. Well, I would say I have to come up with a black man right now. Kevin Barnett, he's sitting right next to you. I don't think you explained the segment, Holden. Why do you have to come up with a black man right now. Kevin Barnett, he's sitting right next to you. I don't think you explained this segment, Holden. Why do you have to come up with that?

It's called come up with a black man. No. No. No, you're not setting out to create a new black man. MLK got his own day. You ever heard of the game build your own black man? Yeah, it's like Mr. Potato Head, but you hit him first. Sim black man.

So it is MLK got his own day. So name another black man who should have his own day. And I will start, and I will go with Selma. That's a whole – that was a movie about a movement. Very important marcher, the best marcher. Selma. The city, the the best marcher. Selma. The city, the town. The man, Selma.

He marched. He said, I don't want to march in the back of the group. I'm going to march in the front. And they did not want him to. Rosa Parks. Who didn't want him to? Selma. The man who marched. Who didn't want Selma? Selma. The man who marched.

Who didn't want Selma to march in the front? Okay, fine. Wesley Snipes. Nice. Good answer. Yeah, but he was bad with his taxes. Yeah, he was a tax fraud. That's fine.

No, he wasn't a tax fraud. He knew exactly what he was doing. He didn't pay taxes, and he went to court for it. Would you say your favorite black person? No. Not necessarily your favorite black person. My favorite black person would never get his own day. Who say your favorite black person? No. Not necessarily your favorite black person. My favorite black person would never get his own day. Who is your favorite black person?

I will not say it in this moment. Is it Kevin Burnett? It might be. Or it might be Jermaine. Oh, shit. Who wins? Kevin or Jermaine? Who do you like better, Kevin or Jermaine? Kevin. I feel like it's my freedom

to not choose between the both of you. I like you both. You know the answer in your heart. Both of you guys, in my mind, are 9.8. So I just wanted to say that. Of course, they're talking about Jermaine Fowler versus Kevin Barnett. I have to say I like Jermaine Fowler better. Whoa.

And I say because he played Aaliyah in a sketch I did with Henry for his Netflix special. I was in that one, too. And I couldn't help but get a little aroused when Jermaine was in a dress. He looks just like his mother. He looked really hot. Good-looking lady. Yeah. Jermaine is a pretty good-looking lady.

Because I think that's why you guys both get a 9.8 in my mind, is that you guys are both just as equally attractive dressed like a woman. I haven't dressed like a woman. Well, I have. Yeah. You have dressed like a woman. And in my mind, you've dressed like a woman many times. Probably.

Damn. If anybody wants to get on Facebook, maybe somebody could create a user-generated poll, and we'll sift this one out. Jermaine or Kevin? Mike didn't weigh in. No one has weighed in, Jackie. We all weighed in. For Jermaine or Kevin.

Oh, I see. I'll go Kevin just because Jermaine consistently breaks my heart. He'll be like, are you free on Tuesday? And I'll be like, I think so. And he'll be like, I need a couch moved. You know? You know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like fun work. So Black Man, you should get his own day. Wesley Snipes. and Kevin it's your turn there was this guy in Jamaica in Kingston that was by my aunt's house that uh he would just stand on the street every day all day and be like fire fire fire fire, fire, fire, the entire day. And then if like a fat person walked by, I'd be like, ah, Ross, infat, infat. And that guy. I think that guy. Oh, man, how do you beat that?

That guy is living the dream. I've never heard Kevin do a Jamaican accent before. He's a Jamaican man. Why don't you do like your mom's voice in your act or something? No, I can't do that. No, she'll fucking fire him down from wherever she is. Do you know what his name is? I don't know this man's name.

Yeah. You know? Fireman? I just call him Fireman. Yeah. I like Fireman. Fireman is a dope name. I don't know why no one has named their child Fireman.

You can call him Fireman Fat Yeller. That's funny. Ooh, I Yeller. That's funny. Ooh, I like that. That is funny. Ben Kissel. A black man will get his day. What day? Who does he get?

Man. Oh, Kevin, you never said what day it would be. Oh, shit. What day? Yeah. All right. I don't know if there was a part of it. Yeah, I didn't know there was a part of it.

It seems like if he's getting his day, you got to pick the guy in't know if there was a part of it. Yeah, I didn't know there was a part of it. It seems like if he's getting his day, you gotta pick the guy in the day. Mine's a leap year day because he cheated, so Wesley Snipes did on his taxes,

so he cheats his day, too. I'm gonna put it on the 4th of July so that everyone's all celebrating that independence and then I got a guilt trip and I'm like, oh, really?

Y'all ain't gonna acknowledge Fireman? The second greatest black man of all time. Thanks to Martin Luther King. Muggsy Bogues. Oh, fantastic basketball player. Charlotte Hornets.

Charlotte Hornets. Five foot three. Muggsy. He got an applause break for his answers. That's a shit load to beat He was 5'3 People talk about adversity And overcoming it

And Muggsy personifies Overcoming adversity So I'm going to go Muggsy Bogues And the day will be Shortest day of the year That would have to be December 21st Shortest day of the year That would have to be December 21st Shortest day of the year

Is that true? Yeah it's Equinox It's a great day to do it So we'll do December 22nd Because he always overcame Muggsy Bogues Very good I'll go with a very charismatic

And great leader. A guy who came and brought us into economic prosperity and someone that everybody loves and can get behind President Bill Clinton. Oh, yeah. There you go. In my family's eyes, he was

definitely not white. And what day is he getting? I don't know. May June 9th? Very good. June 9th. I like that. Oh, that's weird. That's my significant other's birthday.

It's weird that you chose that. What does that mean? Meant to be. Meant to be. I'm choosing Queen Latifah, but not Queen Latifah the person. Queen Latifah her character from last holiday. Because she was dying and she decided to go out and live life to the fullest ll cool jay was in love with her but she decided to fuck that she like she never fucked

that but i think she did eventually but she learned a bunch of you know french cuisine from gerard de pardue so i'm saying gerard um queen latifah last holiday and and I'm going to say that her day is Christmas Eve. Oh, alright. Very good. Edward? I'm going to say I still don't necessarily understand what the second one is. A black man gets a day. Or a black woman. Or a black woman.

I've been staring at you for an hour, and I haven't seen you smoke marijuana. You look higher than you did. staring at you for an hour and I haven't seen you smoke marijuana. How do you look so stoned? You look so... I know you came stoned, but you got more super stoned.

You don't have eyes. I think it's just because his hat is over coming his face. No, no, no, no. He had eyes when he came in. He doesn't have them anymore. Lawrence Taylor. Ed, I will explain this segment one more time. That's a terrible choice. I thought mine was bad. No, I mean, that's the only person he cares about.

Lawrence Taylor. Lawrence Taylor is my childhood hero. Yeah. What did he do? He fucked a tiny, he fucked a small girl. Oh, he was a great football player. He fucked a small girl in a hotel room. And he was a great football player. He didn't have sex with a small girl in a hotel girl. Oh, he was a great football player. He fucked a small girl in a hotel room. And he was a great football player.

He did have sex with a small girl in a hotel room. And was fairly ambivalent about it. About 55 years old. He said he did it because it was a great deal. Yeah. Because it was cheap. Because it was a great deal because he would be an idiot if he passed that deal up. February 4th.

Coming up. Mark. Jackie living with Doug on a scale of 1 to 10. deal up. February 4th. Coming up. Jackie, living with Doug on a scale of 1 to 10. 25. Not bad. Not bad. You got a bad answer.

Whether you feel that way or not. You go over the number. I've had a sex-filled weekend. I've been pumping, pumping, pumping. You go over the number. I feel great. Well, Marcus, who wins? We missed it this year, but mark it on your calendars for next December 22nd because we're getting a Muggsy Bogues day. Absolutely.

Gensel, you never win. I do win sometimes. You win sometimes. I'll tell you what I'll be doing on February 4th. What? Buying an underage prostitute. You're going to buy an underage prostitute on February 4th. Is that correct, Ed?

That's the thing you want to say. This is recorded. Ed Larson will buy an underage prostitute on February 4th. Keep an eye on me. Yeah. Is what I'm saying. Just that day. 9.8.

Julie, moving in with her. Oh, my God. Well, 9.9. She got bumped up during the episode. All right. So find Jackie on Twitter or Jack the Worm

on Twitter at Eddie Toons. Underscore. Yeah, Marcus Parks. Do we have to do that? Yeah. Hold Nader's hoe

on Twitch. They're on Twitter. Hold Nader's hoe on Twitch. You did it for me. Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. Go follow me on Spotify.

You don't want anybody to follow you. Mike Racine, your special's out? Yeah, I'm at Mike Racine and my album Union Delegate is on iTunes. What is this album? Union Delegate? Yeah, it's a new one I put out. This is your second one?

Yeah. Isn't that exciting? We didn't even talk about it this whole time. That's okay. February 13th, come see the Murderfish show at the pit, 9.30 p.m. upstairs. Very exciting. I'm on Twitter at Ben kissel mike since you're renowned for why don't you take us out with an improvised rap here we go

no come on come on no rhymes with let's all have a nice show And do some blow Oh yeah Edgar Allen Poe Friend or foe? Can we done? Why did you do this to me? Larry, Curly, and Moe

Marcus, can we done? Alright, we're done Welcome to the show, everyone Marcus, can we done? Alright Add Jack the Worm. No, I'm not on Instagram. Talk to you soon.

I'm on Twitter. I'm not on Instagram. You're doing your Instagram? I'm not on Instagram. Okay. Good job. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.