The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 275: Cocktail Humans

Episode Date: February 2, 2016

The gang is joined by Micah Sherman and Carmen Lagala to discuss the ethics of dwarf tossing, mourn the loss of Willow the official Canadian groundhog, and to design their ultimate virtual realities.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. He talks about pizza, right? gentlemen, always civility. One for the money, two for the bitches.

I don't even know. Three for the... What are the switches in my Chevy? Six for red to be exact. Who's supposed to be praying? I don't even know where we're at. Yeah, we had the snowstorm. Snowstorm, and now I don't know who prays.

I think, Ben, you did it last time. I think it's Jackie. All right, Jackie. You're up. It's like a sagor in here. Welcome back, Jackie. I guess it's time for me to pray to our big, white, fucking fat God. Whoa.

Fat now. Okay. Why wouldn't he be? He's up there. He's sucking on titties. Eating the world. Sucking on whatever he wants to suck on. Hell yeah. Navel oranges. Why wouldn't he be? He's up there, he's sucking on titties. Eating the world. Sucking on whatever he wants to suck on.

Navel oranges. That's why Earth looks like a tit. I'm going to pray that I'm hoping that he changes my pee pee. Because you know, I've been taking the vitamins. I've been taking some stress vitamins. I'm getting a little stinky. I'm getting a little stinky.

I'm getting a lot of neon. And apparently that's just what happens. But I'm hoping that maybe it changes. Neon will color. It's not neon. No, neon yellow. It's not like neon green. It's orange. I'm not a lizard.

What vitamins are you taking? I'm taking stress vitamins. What? Xanax. How are you? And I'm feeling great. What has you so stressed? That sounds like something

you'd pick up in Chinatown. Michael, hold on. What has you so stressed? My life, man. You know, I'm trying to deal with my anger, so I'm trying to take my stress pills.

They have these things called stress toys in them, but I don't know what that is. I think they're working. You sound really fake nice. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right.. I think they're working. You sound really fake nice. Thank you. I appreciate that. Alright. Is that the amen?

Um, yeah. Don't rush a prayer. I'm just hoping for better pee pee. My bowels are doing great. I never have a problem with my bowels. I'm just hoping maybe clear up the pee pee so it doesn't look like I'm eating asparagus every day. Although I love asparagus, but it's $6.99 a pound.

And I won't pay for it. So God, if you could change that fucking two, that would be great. Amen. Amen. So let me ask you, Jackie, what's worse, having stinky pee-pee or being a big bitch? I'm fine with stinky pee-pee. I'm just, if I'm going to fuck somebody about it,

I'm still a bitch. I have to welcome people to the show at some point. That's what we got to talk about. We'll come back to it, all right? We'll come back to the show. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Hello. The globe is a tent. Oh, my goodness.

All right. So we had a snow day last week. So we're all back together again. Jackie, you're here. I'm here. I had a great snow day. What did you do? I drank a lot.

Okay, that's what I did, too. I'm popping those stress vitamins. Eddie, what did you do on your snow day. What did you do? I drank a lot. Okay, that's what I did, too. I'm popping those stress vitamins. Eddie, what did you do on your snow day? I smoked weed. Okay, that's what I did, too. Holden, snow day? Why? Why?

I petted me lady. Did you make a snow baby? Because we were thinking about making a snow baby. That's right, but it melts when you shove it in her. No, no, you've got to take the ice out of her vagina. Okay, so Kevin Barnett cannot be with us today. Sitting in for him is Micah Sherman. I went for a walk in Central Park.

Why? How did you get there? On foot. Did you bring a camera? Yeah. That was... Yeah, I had to prove I was there. I'm not just going to go and be uncomfortable for two hours for no reason.

The best thing you filmed? Well, we didn't do any motion picture. You were with a girl. Yeah. Snow baby. I always wanted to go to the Central Park in the middle of the snow, like, just tripping on mushrooms. You could do that. That would be awesome.

I know. I got to find mushrooms and it's got to snow again. Yeah. I mean, I've never done mushrooms up in the Central Park. Well, they were causing havoc otherwise. No, I know. And there's probably another fiver out there that's ready to rape you. No, I mean, no, they weren't the rapers.

They were just beating people up. Yeah, but, you know, there were rapers out there. The raper was a guy just like some dude who was all creepy and weird. He's like, hey, check out my bridge. You guys talking about Jack the Raper? That's me. About eight years ago. Yeah.

Well, Jack, yeah. Now she's Jack the Taker. Very similar. Kissel, I forgot to say. What? My big fun tagline. Here it goes. No, you forgot it.

You lost. No, no. Yay! It's nice. Here it goes. No, you forgot it. You lost. No, no, you lost. It's nice to start the show. Hulknators, ho! Can I give a shout out to Taco Bell money? Not only can you do that, I want you to keep on talking. I got new glasses. Gucci frames.

Taco Bell money. Gucci frames. Gucci fucking frames, you fucker. Holy shit, dude. Low tax bracket having fucking no health care kumquat. You're going to break them. No. Yes.

I have a backup pair. Did you hug a Taco Bell? Hug, yeah. I'm screaming Taco Bell. Love Taco Bell. That's another $60. Smell the bell. Smell that bell.

Mary. And I got to gotta one more shout out to my Taco Bell money got a Lego set it's a fucking pet shop Taco Bell money wow cool

that's a real cool pet shop you bought a pet shop Lego set age 16 and up dude you should you need to fucking save your money

Holden what's wrong with you no that's the thing too that's what I love the most about it I'm screaming about my Taco Bell money to everybody on the internet. Come find

me. I don't got it no more. I spent all that stupid shit. It's an internet ad. How'd you spend all that money? What did you even get? That's it. It's a great ad. As a matter of fact, that's a man who's never gotten money before. Gucci frame. Gucci glasses.

I got Gucci socks. He has an adult Lego set and his. Gucci glasses. Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. I got Gucci socks. Gucci glasses and an adult Lego set, and his money's gone. But it's still a pet shop. Yeah. Now I can say I go eat her poochie while I'm wearing my Gucci. You're disgusting, Holden. Absolutely disgusting. I did watch your commercial, though.

Very good. Very good. I actually legitimately thought it was Taco Bell good. I threw in the wave. I made up that line. I was just going to was Taco Bell good. I threw in the wave. I made up that line. I was just going to be in the background. I watched it on silent. Oh, even better.

That's not bad. And I want to say, Holden McNeely, I was on your Twitch. We played. Kissel rocked the Twitch. He killed a bird. We played Until Dawn. I want to have him back to play more. Broke my Twitch record by a landslide.

We had 70 people fucking watching us. Boom. That's how popular Kissel is. 70 people. I only get like 20 people. How many did I get? Like 30. Very good.

But you've got to check out Holden's Twitch. It's the biggest thing around. Holdenators know. It's great. We're going to have Jackie on. We're going to play some kind of Garfield game or something. I just hate now that we have to talk about video games on the podcast as well. Gucci, Gucci.

Don't Gucci at me. Gucci doesn't talk video games, all right? Gucci. I feel like Kanye West up in this fuck. He doesn't take fingers up the ass. What do you mean he doesn't? He doesn't or he does? He doesn't.

What do you mean he doesn't? Where have you been? He got so upset about it that I made it look like he does. That's the whole thing. All right, so let's clarify. There was a small Twitter feud between Kanye West and Amber Rose. People know about it! Everybody knows about it.

No, they might not know. We don't know about all the work. It's not a male commercial. They know about Wiz Khalifa, who I love. Smoked a blunt with him. He's a real nice guy. Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's so funny. He got that KK. That's right. I love Wiz Khalifa. Wait, does that mean he put coke in the blood? No, KK, that's his weed. Oh, okay. No, can we say Amber Rose blowing up Kanye West when it came to fingers in the butt that

was rude of her to do, and everyone making fun of Kanye is mean-spirited and they don't understand what fun is. I'm team Wiz. Homophobic black culture. What? What did you say? Homophobic black culture. That's right.

I agree, Jackie. HBC. No, she's not on your side. Yes, she is. I'm saying don't be. If Kanye wants a finger in the butt, can't a man take a finger in the butt? Yeah, but you should admit it. Obama!

Yeah! Obama. Obama. Obama. Obama. Why are you bringing Obama into this? Four more years. He cannot have four more years.

Oh, my God. It'd be great if he did, though. All right. He's cleaning house. Bloomberg the whole country. Oh, man. So much change be great if he did that. All right. He's cleaning house. Bloomberg the whole country. Oh, man. So much change.

Is he going to sneak in there and win this thing? He's going to sneak in there like a sneaky fingered sneaker. What are you saying, Micah? All right. Is there a new story? Why are you so down on me? No, I just didn't hear. I just heard the last syllable. And I thought it was offensive.

I thought you did. I thought you did. I just heard the last syllable. I just heard the last syllable. And I thought it was offensive. I thought you did. I thought you did. I was like, what's happening? It doesn't matter. Should we wait for Holden's PlayStation shout-outs? All right. He hasn't. I haven't had that many.

I got a lot of friend requests, but I haven't been taking them lately. Does Twitch work with PlayStation 2? Because if it does, you can play Garfield Lasagna World Tour with Jackie. And it's not out for PS4? No, it's PlayStation 2. They did not re-release that for PlayStation 2. They barely make the comic anymore. They put it on the digital shop sometimes.

Either way, I'm going to find it because I don't have a PS4. No, it doesn't work on PlayStation 2. Go buy a PlayStation 2. You're rejecting Facebook? No, I'm not rejecting them. I just haven't said yes yet because I've been busy counting money, spending money. Yeah, man. Yeah.

So people want to be your friend, but you're saying no to them right now. No, not at all. I just haven't said yes yet. If you have sent me a request, I will definitely write back to you and accept your request. Follow me on Twitch. Alright. We already did Fartboy100. We got our new guest here,

Carmen Legala. Hello, sweetheart. I'll take care of it, Ed. We'll let him do it again. Ben does it better than me. We got a new guest here, Carmen Legala. Wow! Energy just spewing out of you.

So good. Carmen Legala is showing up. Thank you for being here, Carmen. Thank you for having me. Carmen, did you make this disgusting-looking pink drink that Kissel is drinking right now? No. Interesting. You did make it, and it's not a disgusting-looking drink. It is a vodka soda with a splash of cranberry.

I hate splash of cran. If you're going to go cran, go cran. Never a splash. Yeah, fill the whole pint with cran. Get a splash. Yeah, fill the whole pint with crayon. Get a crayon. I like to get a big puddle of cranberry juice and just sit in it for a week. Yeah. A whole week.

Make your bottom wine heavy. Change your life. That's my cleanse. I do believe you do do that. He just said do do. Yeah, kind of fun there. Okay, Holden, do your shout outs. He doesn't have any.

No one wants you to shout-out to them anymore? They all want me to shout-out to them. I've been slacked. It's my mistake. I slacked off. I will take the blame for this. Well, you're not doing double next week. What? Yeah, I'm doing double next week. Fuck that.

It's too aggravating. Micah, can you please do Holdenator's shout-outs, his Twitch thing, please? Do the Holdinator shout-outs. I don't know what Twitch is. I don't know what you're talking about. I know. It's Holdian's thing. Apparently, it's possible.

Okay, yeah. All right, here we go. Jeff Ferguson. I want to say, what's happening out there, bro? No, it'd be like Fergie the Kirgie 69. He's a fucking dick licker. Yeah, do something like that, Mike. Mario and Luigi, I want to say that balls.

Shove it in your fucking gunt. Shove it in your, what? What did you say? Gunt. Oh, yeah, stick it right in the gunt. Don't they go into pipes? Yeah, clean your pipes out with that gunt juice. Yeah, there you go.

I got one more. Extra pulp. Fartman turd. That's it? Fartman says turd. Carmen Legala is with us. Reintroducing her? Why are you reintroducing somebody?

I have to move on. To something you've already done? It doesn't matter. Can you do Holdinator shoutouts, please? I just... What's happening? I'm done with the whole thing. News! We need to redo it. It's the splash of crayon. Is that your fucking problem?

Yeah, you gotta get more crayon in that brand. When I fart, I splash so much crayon. It's wild, man. Alright. Good God. Marcus has been crawling around. Don't go to the Olympics, Marcus. You're going to have a tiny-headed fucking baby.

All right. So obviously we- I'm so scared about this fucking virus. There is no video, but Marcus has been running around like an animal for the past five minutes. Good work, buddy. Okay. He's just been hunkying around. Is it good now? No.

How's it now? Oh! Yeah! So, the apartment's mic is now on. Let me give a shout-out to Dave Barkley! All right, we're done with shout-outs. Charles Barkley's child. Oh, very nice.

Deformed, tiny-headed Zika child. All right, well, Zika... Zika? What is that? It's a disease that the media is making. Oh, it's a new hot disease. Yeah, yeah. Smooth brain.

I got a Times blast about that one that I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2,100 kids in Columbia got tiny heads. We got to fucking talk about it. I can't believe it. What's that, Diego? We do have to talk about it. Eddie, what's the reason?

Why do they have such tiny heads? Because the mosquitoes are biting their mamas. No, no. It's because their pussies are too small. Oh, is that what it is? And the forceps are too big. I didn't know that about Colombian women. Yeah, because they squirt them out.

I thought you were talking about Columbia University this whole time. Carmen, your last name ends in a vowel. How big are Colombian women's vaginas? No, Eddie, I'll ask the questions. Carmen, your last name ends in a vowel. How big are Colombian women's vaginas? I'm part Colombian and I'm real dumb.

What do they call them? Dumb? Who? Oh, yeah, but they're smooth brains. Smooth brain, yeah. I knew I liked you for a reason. Colombians are great. But what about your pussy size, though? What about your mother's pussy size? It's shallow. Mine's shallow. I can't speak to my mom's, but mine is pretty shallow.

Is shallow good or bad? I mean, if you have a long penis, then it's gonna poke me in the cervix. Is that for your vagina? I think it's great. It's a bone. Uncomfortable is what she's trying to say. Uncomfortable. Not impossible, but uncomfortable.

Yes or no? The globe is like a boob. Yes. Exactly. That's right. Where's the nipple? a boob. Yes. Exactly. That's right. Where's the nipple? Covered in tips. It's the North or South Pole. I would say Mount Everest.

Santa Claus. That's exciting. And we got some listeners watching us. Elaine is in the crowd. Thanks for being here, Elaine. Hello. Thank you. All right.

And we cannot forget. Bayron Reeds! And we cannot forget Lupe Rodriguez Lupe Phil Insomno Insomno Insomno Insomno Insomno Insomno

The lead singer of Pantera Got in trouble for saying white power Lupe Rodriguez You are obviously not white But you do love Pantera What do you think about him being racist? Come on up here I don't know if he does love Pantera I don't love Pantera. What do you think about him being racist? Come on up here. I don't know if he does love Pantera.

I don't love Pantera. But you do like it. They're just okay. Yeah, Pantera's not very good. Pantera fucking rocks! They're racist, Eddie! One's dead, the other's a racist. The guy who's dead, man, what a...

I mean, he went out like a champ. He went out like a real metalhead. He got shot in the face with a shotgun. Rock and roll! I guess so. I'd rather listen to that band that had the guy in it that had the password that said, I fuck kids. What band was that? Lost Prophets.

Lost Prophets. I don't know Lost Prophets. Yeah, well, he fucked kids. We do not discuss it because we know someone who knows him. We do not discuss it. New story? That's right. Check out Destruction Unit.

Who knows him? Who knows him? Who knows him? Shout out to Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin. I'll take it, Marcus. News story. Out of Detroit, a pair of local adult entertainment clubs is stirring up a big controversy involving little people. As if the... Lupe got it.

Lupe Rodriguez. Lupe got the double entendre there. As if the neon lights, pump and music, and glitter-covered women weren't enough, a topless club on Detroit's West Side is hoping to draw customers with another feast for the eyes, a dwarf toss. The Toy Chest Bar and Grill on Ford Road near the Southfield Freeway, which promises to offer quote-unquote sizzling adult entertainment, is hosting the controversial event on Friday night. A similar affair is taking place across the border this weekend at the Leopard Lounge in Windsor, Canada. During the dwarf toss, contestants line up to throw a little person against a soft Velcro wall.

The winner, presumably, gets some sort of prize or honor. Organizers say there's nothing wrong with the event, and the performer is a celebrity in his own right. The bar owner says the man is paid well to do what he does, and no one is forcing his hand. in his own right. The bar owner says the man is paid well to do what he does and no one is forcing his hand. Nonetheless, a petition started by Little People of America is hoping to put an end to these and other similar events. As of Friday morning, more than 3,300 people have signed

the Stop Dwarf Tossing Events petition. All right, so the main question is, does a dwarf have a right to make a living? I mean, well, they can make a living another way. You can give them a normal job. What's more normal than getting thrown against a Velcro wall? That was my first, second, and third job. Exactly.

It's legal again in Florida, by the way. I hope that it is. They made it illegal, and now it's legal again. And this is the irony. And it's very similar to when we spoke about Speedy Gonzalez getting banned. Mexicans wanted him back. And in the situation in Florida, a little person sued. It went to the Florida Supreme Court, and they said it is illegal to ban dwarf tossing.

A dwarf is the one who made it illegal again. They're choosing to do it. They're not dwarf slaves. But also, I think they should start being called cocktail humans. Why exactly? Because everybody loves a cocktail wiener. And I think that they should be called a cocktail human. And I think that's a more fun way to call them anything, right?

All right. Is it because they're drunk all the time? Not. I mean, yeah. Most of them are Mexican. But I think that. No, that's not true. Most people are not Mexican.

I'm not. That's too far. That's too far. That is too far. She's just saying that because there's so many tiny Mexicans here in New York City. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you guys got to admit, there's a lot of really tiny Mexicans. The shortest ones can cover the most distance.

That's why those ones get up here. I once had a Mexican ask me why white people are so tall and I told him because there's no trees in Mexico. Because you don't have to pick nothing off. Oh, good point, Ed. I don't think it's true. I think there are trees in Mexico. It's the Mayans. The Mayans were short people. Right, Carmen?

You're from Columbia. Very good, Carmen. What a great contribution. I like it because you're from Columbia, but you're also from Vermont, which is the whitest place of all time. Yes, it is. It is the second or first whitest state. After Connecticut?

After Maine. Oh. The lobster in Maine. Oh, my God. It's so cheap. All right. Okay. So, Jackie, you're pro cocktail humans Peter Dinklage

spoke up against I was gonna say this he's an uppity one anything go low leave him alone I couldn't agree more we just lost

2.5 listeners I get it cause the.5 listeners doesn't know how to spoil you I don't like it I support little people. I love little people.

As a big person, I like anyone who's different. Anything that doesn't, brought to you by Fox News, anything that doesn't, that Peter Dinklage does not like, I do not like. So I am against dwarf tossing. All right, Micah, your stance. Right now, I think we got one. I am pro dwarf tossing, because I believe if they want to be tossed, they should be allowed to be tossed,

and they should be allowed to make money. Am I right, Marcus? Yeah, I mean, they can do anything they want. That's right, Micah. Except get tossed, apparently. And not here in New York. In New York State, it is banned. It is actually the only state in which dwarf tossing is banned.

What about big people tossing? Can you do that? You can toss anyone you want as long as they're above, what, 4'5"? Isn't that wild? Wow, that's interesting. You totally can. Yeah. We'll say they're roller coasters.

That is a bizarre thing to legislate, isn't it? Be like, if you're under 4'5", you can't throw them? Nah. That seems weird. What if you're just having a good time with friends in the backyard, one of you happens to be a small person, and you have a good time throwing and there's no money exchange. I think it's like sex. I think if there is money exchange,

then it is prostitution. If there is no money exchange, then it's just sex. Same with dwarf tossing. What if you just do it for fun? You do it for fun, you get paid for something else. Like, oh, I sold you this wiffle ball for $35.

Yeah. What if he does a stand-up set for three minutes? And then you toss him? And then you toss him around for five hours. But you're paying for the stand-up. You're paying for the stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they wear gear when they do this?

They do. They have to because they're throwing them against a velvet wall. It's velcro. You have to see if they stick on it. It's like a bullseye hitting a bullseye. That's the whole point of dwarf tossing. You gotta try to hit the bullseye. I thought they were going for distance.

Back in the day, there was like circles painted on the ground and you just throw the dwarf up in the air. Is that how it worked back then? How long have we had Velcro? A long time. Not that long. The astronauts.

It's because of the plants, though. Maybe like 50. I would say Velcro tops 60 years. Really? 60 years? The asteroid was invented by NASA. I know dwarf tossing has been around from the get. Oh, of course.

Lincoln was talking about Velcro. And dwarf tossing. Well, okay, here is a Wikipedia says. Thank you, Marcus. That dwarf tossing can be alternately either a Velcro-based game or a mattress-based game. Ooh. Mattress-based. Mattress-based meaning tossing them a certain distance onto mattresses on the floor.

What if they miss the mattress, though? Well, then they lose. If they miss the mattress, yeah, everyone loses. Yeah. Yeah, because then you've got to go out and find a new dwarf. The other related activity is dwarf bowling, in which a person with dwarfism is placed on a skateboard and uses a bowling ball.

But isn't that fun? Isn't that fun? There's only like, that's only happened like once. And someone was like, no, we took a picture. It happened. It's a thing. I saw a Japanese guy do that once, and it was great. Everyone had a wonderful time.

Do they go through the ball machine and come out? No. They're professional bowling. They're not going over the pins. No, it's just a hallway. Presumably. Japanese man's good because he has no hair. He really moves through the air well on the skateboard.

Sure. Aerodynamics. Aerodynamics. Well, to answer your question, I think I'm for dwarf tossing. Okay. Unless this group wants to ban it, and that's fine. And they should pay the same salary to all the people that would be missing out on, because people need money.

It's not like people are doing it. I don't think the dwarfs are doing it for fun. They are. They're doing it to perform. They're performers. You know, in Iran, stand-up comedy is deemed less than being a garbage man. If you're a performer, you're scum. You're nothing.

I feel like that's the same here. Well, it is very similar. But no, we honor the stand-up. I feel like we need to really respect the people, the little folks who want to go and be tossed. I support them. You know what happens if you have dwarf tossing in your bar? You lose your liquor license. Oh, come on.

It's so hard to get. All right, Carmen, definitive decision. Whatever you say next matters. Absolutely. I'm for it. Most jobs suck. I would kill to be tossed against a velcro or mattress. The kind of gig where your actual work time is maybe a total of 15 minutes?

That's okay. If you don't have the velcro, do you like dip the dwarves in paint when you throw them up? Well, you could do that. I was thinking that. They do do that. Yeah? Yeah, they dip them in the whole series of things. Yeah, but then you're just throwing a dwarf against a wall, which is dangerous to the dwarf.

Oh, I agree with that. And the wall. Dress him like a penis, which I wouldn't do because I don't agree with this, but dress him like a penis, and then you put a bunch of pillows shaped like a vagina, and then you throw him in there, and then he doesn't get hurt. Like a dart. Yeah. Throw him into a vagina pillow. All right, good idea. But I don't believe in that because of Peter Dinklage. Yeah, Peter Dinklage said no. All right, good idea.

But I don't believe in that because of Peter Dinklage. Yeah, Peter Dinklage said no. No, he said no. Well, Peter Dinklage, no, he refused. He refused to do little people roles. You know, classic elves. All that. I know, I've studied the man.

He's the man. Wasn't he an elf? Yeah, but not as an elf. He was the boss. He was the boss in Elf. Uppity. Uppity. Call him Upp elf. He was the boss. He was the boss in Elf. Uppity. Uppity. Call him Uppity.

That is so bad. If someone wants to throw an apple at my bare stomach and make bets on how much it would ripple, and I get paid to do that, I'll do it. But if a really good, if an apple became a really good actor, I'd listen to the apple. That's a good point. Yeah, exactly. No, no, no. In this scenario, is the stomach Peter Dinklage

or the apple? The apple. But I'm the one getting hurt. Yeah, exactly. I feel like I'm Peter Dinklage. You say, is that Blake getting bruised? Oh, give me a break. When's the last time you saw a fucking apple smile? When's the last time you bought a bruised apple? I always buy smiling apples.

Both compelling points. Carmen, who's right? Definitive decision, Carmen. Next thing you say matters. Jackie, Ed. Both, what? Very good. Carmen, you're the blackest person here.

You've got to give us an answer. Carmen, you're the blackest person here. You've got to give us an answer. Jackie Redd. So it's Jackie's for you are the apple. No, she's not the apple. Jackie's the apple. I'm the cocktail human. It's like in this scenario, Jackie considers her to be akin to Peter Dinklage. Ed maintains that the apple is akin to Peter Dinklage.

The apple gets no choice in the matter. If we adjust the situation where we throw Jackie onto apples and see how much her belly ripples. But are they like fake foamy apples? No. They all get tossed onto foamy things, though. They're not getting hurt. People pay to go into a Velcro wall.

We'll throw you in a parking lot. Do you think you can swim through applesauce? Yes, of course. You can swim through anything wet. I think you just

fall right through it. No, of course you don't fall right through, Ed. You fucking idiot. I didn't fall through. You can swim through applesauce. You can swim through apples. You can swim through anything wet.

You can't swim through jello. Yes, you can. No, you can. You fall right through. No, you don't. Yes, you do. Scrooge McDuck swam through pennies. That is a cartoon.

It's a cartoon. There were gold coins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get to be Daenerys, Queen of the Dragons. Not fair. It doesn't matter what anybody says. Okay. We're not having that conversation right now. I want to be the rich pig Daenerys. It doesn't matter what anybody says. Okay. We're not having that conversation right now.

Yeah, exactly. I want to be the rich, big black guy. It doesn't matter what you want to be. The rich black guy? Yeah, the rich black guy from that place.

Oh, with the big metals. Yeah, you got the metal tits. Oh, yeah. You want to be a big, rich black guy with metal tits? Yeah, from Game of Thrones. The one who helped out

Daenerys, but then he like, you know, you weren't sure if he was right or wrong. It's so big. If he was in the show, he'd be the wall. Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! All right, everyone. I was into it. He started his own show. Yeah, that's good. Holden had a good Eddie fat joke. Holden, you're a hype man. Micah, fat joke about Ed.

Everyone does one. What? Do one. Why do I have to do that? I said. He's the host. He's being drunk with power right now. He's the splash of crap.

Ed's like, forget about it then. Ed's like a boob because he's as big as the world. Ed's so fat that, you know, I mean, he doesn't look very good. You suck, Ben. Thank you, Ed. Carmen, fat jokes about it. This counts as a segment. No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't. Absolutely does not. Absolutely does not. Well, you want a segment, you got to make your own fucking segment. Segment? No segment, Bax. On the hook, you are. Carmen, what's wrong with me?

Well, it has to be about how he's fat. Preferably Game of Thrones. I didn't watch it. Ed, you look great. Your hair is like the only character I know on Game of Thrones, the blonde chick, because you have long hair. I'm not joking. Carmen, you're Bobby Miserable.

You, Jackie. Bitch. That's mad of you. I've never seen Ed, this mad person. It's got fucking... I can go after that. No, you can't. I can go after that.

All right, so dwarf tossing is illegal. Yeah, huh? Let's go to... No, it's not, though. No, it's not. It should not be. No, it's not. It should not be.

There's a big petition signed. Detroit, they're going to do what they want to do. It's fucking Michigan. They're. There's a big petition signed. Detroit, they're going to do what they want to do. It's fucking Michigan. They're trying to distract from the water crisis. Yeah, don't they have other fucking problems besides this? Many other problems. Not according to the little people of America, this is the biggest problem that's going on in this country right now. Yeah, they don't drink water.

They drink. God, I want to stick a toothpick in them and dump them in some horseradish mustard. Vodka. Whoa. I love hot dogs. I haven't been talking about hot dogs for weeks. I just can't get enough. Horseradish mustard of all things.

When did you get so addicted to the hot dogs? Side effect from the vitamins. I wanted a hot dog for a really long time, and I decided to go out, and I bought the fancy hot dogs. I got the beef hot dogs, and I was like, this will be good. No, I got the fancy ones, like made out of actual meat. And you know what? They suck. I want real hot dogs, but made out of actual meat. And you know what? They suck.

I want real hot dogs, but I can't bring myself to buy a Nathan's. You know what this reminds me of, Marcus? What? You want a hot dog? You want a hot dog? You want a hot dog? That's the only actions I do, yeah. I want a hot dog.

Wait, what kind of hot dog? Do you have hot dogs? No, I don't have any hot dogs. He used to say it. He used to say it. A whole bunch of episodes ago. You want a hot dog? Yeah, I remember that.

I want a hot dog. That was my big go-to. You want a hot dog? Yeah, I remember that. I want a hot dog. That was my big go-to. You want a hot dog? Yeah, it was just this. Somebody offering a hot dog? I remember I'm loving it. Give it, Ben. What's that?

You want a hot dog? No, no, no. What are you doing? I'm loving it. Yeah! Let's bring it back. No. Great.

What a time. Get in my belly. What's wrong with Nathan's hot dogs? No, Eddie, you're saying? I like Nathan's hot dogs. I know. They're the best. What's wrong with Nathan's hot dogs? No, Eddie, you're saying? I like Nathan's hot dogs. I know. They're the best. What's wrong with them?

They're bad for you. They're made out of lips and assholes, and they're delicious lips and assholes. So why is this? I'm going to go to the grocery store after this and get an eight pack of hot dogs. And you eat all of them. I'm going to eat all of them. You have to eat all of them. I'm going to eat all of them.

Why is it that lips and assholes, everyone's like, oh, I don't eat lips and assholes. What's the difference? I just feel so guilty. It's all on the same canvas. I know. Because both of them have lipstick all over it. Good point, my guy. Yeah, I used to work on a farm and I used to put lipstick on them. You worked at a farm?

Yeah. And he put lipstick on all the assholes. I was a farmer. Were you really? Eddie, you were sane. I love him. Oh, sauerkraut monster. That's the way to go.

Maybe some onions. Sauerkraut mustard. Do you guys remember this years ago? Oh, Bill. Do you remember who he is? What is this? I remember that year. Let's get it one more time.

Get a little more. Take me to jail. I'm a murderer and a rapist. Ben said this. This is my tagline. That was your tagline. Mountain Dew, I'm Bill. Now I remember Mountain Dew.

Your tagline was I'm Bill. Mountain Dew, I'm Bill. I don't remember that at all. Such a great time. You know what I legitimately miss is Release Me. I'm Bill. Mountain Dew, I'm Bill. I don't remember that at all. Such a great time. You are here. What I legitimately miss is Release Me. Yes. Release me.

Yeah, that was my favorite. That was a good episode. That was nice. A little blast from the past. What a fun time. All right, so we're on to another story. Let's move on to a new story. Let's move on to a sad story.

All right. Is it about hot dogs? Forecasters are going to have to do without the help of Manitoba groundhog Winnipeg Willow on Tuesday. The groundhog who resided at the Prairie Wildlife Rehabilitation

Center in Winnipeg died Friday night. Just days before Groundhog Day on February 2nd. How long is this winter going to be? Long. It's dead. Willow was born on May 2010, according to the center,

which received the groundhog after her mother was killed by a dog. Although intended for... Hard life being a groundhog. It is not easy. Groundhog, by the way, alternately known as a woodchuck or a whistle pig. I love whistle pigs. I've never heard that. You've never heard it? It should be more popularchuck or a whistle pig. I love whistle pigs. I've never heard of that. Yeah, whistle pig.

Groundhog doesn't make any sense. Why not? It's a hog. It's not a hog. It doesn't look like a pig. Does it burrow in the ground? Yeah. It comes out and it sees its shadow and it goes back underground.

The movie Willow has a bunch of little people in it. You're going to listen to the story all night. The movie Willow has a bunch of little people in it. That's not what we're talking about right now. It's a theme. It's not a theme. There's no theme. Yes, there is. What was the theme?

The whistle pig's name is Winnipeg Willow. Willow. You guys ever seen Beaches? Shut up, Micah. Oh, my God. Beaches is a very good movie. I'm sorry. It's a sad story, just like this one. Do you ever know that you're my hero?

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I wish I could be. Thank you very much. Man, I'll keep going, but I shouldn't. Beaches makes me think of Eric Bergstrom. Oh, Eric Bergstrom. But he's doing good, though. He just makes me think of Eric Bergstrom. He's got cancer? Yeah. But he's doing good though. He's doing great. Eric Bergstrom, a great

comedian. Better than me. See the likes he gets? This cancer's been the best thing that ever happened to him. It was not the best thing that ever happened to him. He's the best little whistle pick in New York. Yeah, that's rarely the case. It's always the worst thing that ever happened to you, Eddie. Cancer is always the worst thing. The doctor comes in and he's like, you have cancer but actually, bizarrely enough

it's a rare case but it's actually the best thing that's ever happened to you I know how sad do you have to be Eric Bergstrom's sad Eric Bergstrom is doing

he's fine yeah he's doing great he's been on the show he's bald now but what are they gonna do in Manitoba though so is there just winter forever?

I mean, it is Canada, and that's what they fucking deserve. Well, unfortunately, with her death, the Groundhog Day celebration has been canceled. Good. I hate Canada. A statement from the Prairie Wildlife Rehabilitation Center Facebook page said, from the Prairie Wildlife Rehabilitation Center Facebook page said, Oh, let me guess. We can't find another one.

In such a short span of time? Absolutely not. From January 29th to February 2nd, I give you three days to get a whistle pig. Where are you going to get it from, Micah? Internet. That's actually a good answer. Amazon Prime is running a deal right now on Whistlepigs. And Henry's coming back into town on Groundhog's Day, so that's your Whistlepig right there.

Yeah, he knows how to whistle. Yeah, he's a pig. He doesn't know how to whistle, but he's a piggy. He doesn't know how to whistle? I don't think so. I can't. So anything I can't do, he can't do. You can't whistle?

Try it. That's not trying. Wow, yeah, yeah, that's not trying at all. You're not even close to trying to whistle. Yeah, that's not trying Can't do it Mike. Oh, no, I'm not gonna try. Yeah, what's going on? I can whistle in a variety of ways It's me that wasn't my yeah, that was me. Yeah, you're a great whistler, Ed. I can make these sounds. Michael looks like he might be- That's not whistling. Try. Good try, man.

You're in the right direction. Knock, knock, knock, knock. No, not whistling. Yeah, yeah. Pull your throat back a little bit. Oh! Hey! Oh! That's a big-

That's not whistling. That's a big talk. That's it. Purse your lips a little bit now. Pretty lady. Okay, don't say things. Pretty lady likes to go get candy. So winter is going to be longer or what?

In Winnipeg? I guess so. Here in New York, it's already over. What are you talking about? It was 50 degrees outside today. It's 58 today. It's nice, but the snow's still on the ground. Oh, it's still there, isn't it, guys?

It'll be gone soon. Until the fucking groundhog comes on Tuesday. Well, before I was interrupted by Micah. What about the Staten Island one that was murdered by Bloomberg? What's that? Bloomberg murdered our groundhog. De Blasio murdered him. De Blasio murdered him?

Yeah, De Blasio murdered him. Bloomberg doesn't murder a goddamn groundhog. Bloomberg didn't lower himself to holding the groundhog. No, but all of us die. And when we die, there will be an obituary. Not at the mayor's hands, though. No, that's true. That's true.

But all of us die. But the obituary for this groundhog is really prolific. We are in complete shock and sadness with tears coming down our face to announce the passing of Winnipeg Willow this evening. What? She was acting her normal self this morning and eating a carrot, but came in this evening to find her gone. Willow was born in spring 2010 and was brought to the PWRC

after her mother was killed by a dog. She was being raised for release until she broke her leg in an outdoor enclosure. With the extra handling and time spent in care, she became too friendly towards people to be released back into the wild. She was adopted into our educational program and visited many schools and students. She loved kale, green leafy lettuce, broccoli, carrots, sweet potatoes, snap peas, and, of course, peanuts. She had her moments. of course, peanuts. She had her moments.

Of course, peanuts. She had her moments, especially around February 2nd, where she could get a bit grumpy, but otherwise love to go out. Life expectancy of Woodchuck's ranged from four to six years. That's it? So we hope she lived her full time and was loved

every minute of her life. She will be missed by family and volunteers. We hope Willow helped people to change their minds about woodchucks and to see them as wonderful creatures to have on our planet. With great sadness, we are canceling our Groundhog Day event that was to take place

on February 2nd at Cabela's. We love trying to predict the upcoming forecast and I think we only got one season right. From our current behavior this past winter, we were going to predict an early spring. How are you not going to predict an early spring? It's all lies, Eddie. As she was eager to head outdoors.

We miss you already, Willow. Oh, God, Mark. And have fun running through the meadows. already, Willow, and have fun running through the meadows. Please say hi to our other educational ambassadors. Nasha, Naira, Camira,

Kelly, PB, Onyx. Are these all the other tuts? Did they just name them off of people that Russell Simmons is going to marry? And of course, Lisa. R.I.P. Winnipeg Willow. Lisa and the peanuts.

That's all you can do is to destroy Willow. That's a go without saying. That could have been taken off. Wow. Such pussies. Here's what happened right there. I know. Here's what happened.

The newspaper was like, we need a statement. The caretaker was like, I'll write one. And then didn't share it with anybody. And they just sent it immediately to the paper. And then the paper was like, we've got one, and then didn't share it with anybody. And they just sent it immediately to the paper, and then the paper was like, we've got to get this out now, and didn't read it. Oh, no, no, that wasn't in the paper.

That was on their personal Facebook page. It's just a fucking woodchuck. You don't got to cancel a party. 1,800 likes on that post. It's a beautiful post. How else are they going to get to do the big stunt? I don't want to... You put a guy in a woodchuck costume?

I was about to say, a little person. I don't want to condone this because definitely Peter Daniels would not like this. Tiny little man, put him in the groundhog costume. He said he won't play elves, but he'll play groundhogs. Yeah, that's not like a typical little person role. Let the groundhog do like a Shakespearean son sonnet and then it'll be worthy of him and then he'll go, he'll look at his shadow.

Well, now that Winnipeg Willie is gone, eyes will now be on Ontario's Wharton Willie and Nova Scotia's Shubin Katie Sam. It's Punxsutawney Phil. He's the only one that matters.

No, we've got Punxsutawney Phil. We also got the Staten Island one, but I don't fucking care about it. That is Punxsutawney Phil. No, it's not. Punxsutawney Phil. We also got the Staten Island one, but I don't fucking care about it. That is Punxsutawney Phil. No, it's not. Punxsutawney Phil. Staten Island Chuck. Yeah, that's Staten Island Chuck.

Staten Island Chuck. Can we break down the name Shubin Katie Sam? Shubin Katie Sam. Just make a decision. It's Nova Scotia. Shubin Katie. Shubin Katie is one word.

Where did this start from? Can we just... Where did the... The origin of Groundhog Day I love Groundhog Day It's my dream to go And see Pax Atani film Sure

Okay whatever It's your dream? But why the hell I have very low standards My whole life is based on low standards You could have reached this Oh man What are you doing?

I keep it low And then I'm smiling all the time It's the stress pills It's the stress pills I It's the stress pills. I've never seen it. It's like, is Jackie on a cloud? Is she stupid now? You're all smiling.

Exploding and smiling. It's the stress pills. You're on medicine. I thought I didn't like it when you were grouchy, but I think I like this less. What? You're too nice. I'm not going to have you grouchy. Are you nice now?

She's too nice. Oh, they all say that. The bus driver says it. The old lady on the street says it. Why is she smiling? Someone kick her in the crotch. She must have balls down there. I believe it.

Well, the origins come from Germany. It actually did. Well, Pennsylvania in German. It has its. It cares. Oh, like the English people. Another German surprise. It has its. Oh, what Landcastle. No, like the old people. Another German surprise. It has its own.

What was that? What was that character? Another German surprise. You're a rapist. That's bad. A German sausage right up the ass. Nice, solid bratwurst. No, no.

I'm hoping for a nice German surprise. That's when you go to Taco Bell alone. Hot stuff. Hey, smell the bell. The Germans invented the hot dog. They invented everything. No, they had their damn bratwurst. I love a bratwurst.

Don't tell me I'm wrong. Yeah, you're a being. The Germans invented everything. They really did. They made the spoon. They made lumber. Forks. Forks they made the spoon. They made lumber. Forks. Forks they made. And cuckoo clocks.

That's the Swedish. No. Don't give it to the Swedish. No, the Swedish totally invented cuckoo clocks. Lupe? Lupe said he had an unconvincing guess. The Germans did suspenders. The Germans did suspenders. They did wiring with plastic on the outside

so you don't get shocked. They did town. There was no, like, town. The most interesting thing is town. Yeah, town. Germans made town. It doesn't matter where cuckoo clocks came from. What?

They come from Germany. People want to know where the cuckoo clocks come from. It doesn't matter. What about poor Japan? Every single thing coming from. It doesn't matter. What about poor Chepetto? Every single thing comes from Germany. Chepetto, why are you leaving my family? Why are you going to Germany? I'm going to pay.

Last I heard, we were looking at the Groundhog Day origin. What happened with that is that as its origin... Everything is German. It's a little German surprise. It's a German surprise. That is from ancient European lore, wherein a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator. Good.

Not the groundhog. Great. Mm-hmm. Yep. A bear? Yeah, the first documented American reference was found in a diary entry dated February 4th, 1841 by Lawrence Taylor's birthday.

Ugh. Is that an otter? Yeah, that was an otter, yeah. Seal or an otter that loved Lawrence Taylor. Number 56. Go ahead, Marcus. North Carolina. Raise up. Take your shirt off. Twist it around your head like a helicopter.

Everybody likes Lawrence Taylor. No one likes Lawrence Taylor. I don't know who that is. He's a football player who did terrible things with his life, but he sacked a couple of football players. A couple of players. A couple, man. He's a terrible person. Anyway, go on.

He played football, right? He played football. He came to dog shit. Yes, he did come to our show. Him and Shepard Smith. Well, this is... Wait, Lawrence Taylor and Shepard Smith came to dog shit together? Jabba Chamberlain as well.

Yep, Jabba Chamberlain. Three, two athletes and a fox. Were they all together? No. Shep and Lawrence were. Shepard is a very nice guy, and so is Lawrence. You just said he wasn't. I don't know.

He's a piece of shit. He was my childhood idol. He's a piece of shit. Okay. He's a bad person. This is from the journal entry of storekeeper James Morris, 1841 of Morgantown, Pennsylvania. Last Tuesday, the second, was Candlemas Day. Candlemas Day, also known as Pancake Day.

Okay. The day on which, according to the Germans, the groundhog peeps out of his winter quarters, and if he sees his shadow, he pops back for another six-week nap. But if the day be cloudy, he remains out, as the weather is to be moderate. I love it.

Mm-hmm. The Germans know everything. That was from a diary? That was from a diary, yeah. Was he explaining it to himself? Just so you remember next year, this is what you're looking at. A lot more hardships back then, you know?

The English made a poem about it. If candlemas be fair and bright, winter has another flight. If candlemas brings clouds and rain, winter will not come again. Okay. That makes a lot more sense. No, that's only in a British accent that works. That's not a good rhyme. Wait, is that what it is? So if it's sunny outside?

If it's sunny outside, the groundhog, he sees his shadow, he gets scared because he thinks it's another groundhog, and he goes back inside. That's what it is? Yeah, that's what it is. I didn't know that's what it was. I thought they were scared of Bill de Blasio. Oh, yeah. It should be anyway.

Changing the scene. That's right. Carmen, your thoughts on everything? I'm going to say definitely. That's right. Carmen, your thoughts on everything. I'm going to say definitely. Yeah, yeah, yes. Cool. I'd love to hear it. Good, powerful guest.

Carmen. Where can people find you on Twitter? Oh, man. Carmen Legale at Splashacram.com. You're on Splashacran. Thank you. It's a dot com Twitter. It wasn't taken.

That's great. Jam bands come from Germany. Is that true? No, that's not true. Jam like jelly. Yeah, they cover their guitars in apricot. Oh, I love them. I can see jam band. Oh, wait, is that Swedish? Yeah, they cover their guitars in apricot. Oh, I love them, yeah. Like in the jam band.

Oh, wait, is that Swedish? Yeah, totally. Like in the jam band. Oh, kill them all. Kill them all. That's German. That was the worst pun in the history of this show. Yeah?

And everyone just let it go. What pun? Jam? The jam band. I enjoyed it. She says, oh, the guitars are made of apricot. I didn't even get it. And all of a sudden, I'm a jerk off.

I thought it was fun. It's your cardigan in the Splash of Crayon. I think you need to open up your legs and get high. Yeah, open up your legs and get high, dude. Well, I don't even understand. No, I am always high. No, you're not. No, I'm not.

It's this cardigan. I miss the blazer. I never thought I would ever say it, but you were still wearing this he not. It's this cardigan. I miss the blazer. I never thought I would ever say it, but you were still wearing this heathered cardigan, and I think I miss the blazer. I like the cardigan. I like the cardigan. Softens him up. It's like Mr. Rogers got home.

He's done with work. He wants to sit down and talk to us. He looks like the soft Velcro wall that you would throw a cocktail even in. The 28th through the 30th, Joseph A. Bank had a buy one, get three suit jacket sale. That's too many. You need that many jackets? No, I didn't go. Why are you talking about it?

Well, because I'm very upset. Why are you talking about it? I don't know. What's wrong with you, man? It's another commercial. How up on Joseph A. Bank are you? I'm very upset. You're referencing a sale you didn't go to.

I didn't go to it. Do you guys remember this from like 200 episodes ago? What's that? She's a man, baby. Ew. Oh, God. You dickheads. No, that wasn't it.

I remember something in the same accent, but that wasn't. Do you have any more catchphrases in that accent? I'm Austin Powers. That's just the name of the person you were intimidating. A spy. A spy who shocked me. Had the grums in the sequel of the movie. Britney Spears and Pepsi.

Oh. Yeah. I remember that. That's a fun movie. That one's not as good. You're a total jerk-off. I'm upset. If only I could get paid for that.

No, you could pay for Taco Bell. If only I could get paid for just yelling whatever. And annoying people. That's fine. So Ed has gone to the bathroom. I was trying to wait until he got back to do the next news story. We can just talk about Ed for a little while. I'm actually very good friends with Ed.

And I feel like he's doing really, really well. Is he bragging now? He's doing great. No, I miss him. Everyone's in relationships. Yeah? Only Ben Kissel. I'm the only lone wolf.

Every lady loves you, though, dude. Oh, they love you so much. They're climbing up your stumps to get a fucking sniff of your dog. Oh, Ed's back. Oh. Oh, Ed's back. Oh, no, Ed's back. Let's get to the next article. They are climbing up the stumps to get a sniff of your dog. I forgot you were here, Micah.

Thanks. You forgot I was here? I don't know. He's almost as big as you are. Yeah, I'm almost as big as you are. How could you forget about a person almost as big as you? What is wrong with everybody. How could you forget about a person almost as big as you? What is wrong with everybody? How did you forget?

Actually, sitting down right now, he's taller than you are. It's true. And also, Micah, you have a really good haircut right now. And a good hat. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you have a really good hat. Your glasses are nicer than Holman's.

Oh, he's sober. Nicer than Gucci. All right, Gucci, go fuck your Gucci. Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. I hate Gucci. It's Gucci Coup, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. I hate Gucci. Gucci Coup, Gucci Coup. Call me Gucci Boy. What did you guys say about me when I was gone?

I'm going to the bathroom. All right, next news story. While Ben is gone, apparently gotten frustrated with us all. It's the heathered cardigan. It is a bit heathered. I feel like the cardigan makes you a little testier. A little bit.

I feel like he's like, Dennis! Better a little bit of Beethoven! Marmaduke! He does love Marmaduke. If you didn't know that about Ben, he loves Marmaduke as much as I love Garfield. He does look like Charles Grodin if you stretched him out a bunch. And he could be great in Clifford, too, because I imagine him getting that annoyed. Yeah, I love that movie.

He was so good, Martin Short, in Clifford. Yeah, and Charles Grodin. And Mary Steenburgen. All right, news story. An investigation has been launched after a pornographic film was accidentally shown during the funeral of a father and his baby son. Oh. And his baby son? Damn.

Yeah, yeah. Hundreds of people had gathered at the Thornhill Crematorium in Cardiff, England to pay their respects to the pair. Funeral at a crematorium? Yeah. Yikes. That's, yowch. Do a separate reception or something. Yeah, don't do it. Don't burn the body

in front of hundreds of people. I'll be like Scrooged. Have like three people there who don't even like you that much. They were killed. Thank you. You know what I was talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. They were killed following a car crash. Mourners were shocked when one screen

began to show a pornographic video instead of a tribute to the father who died on New Year's Eve. A spokesman said, The council has forwarded a written apology to the family and is carrying out an urgent investigation. There were four television screens used to display visual tributes as part of this funeral service. The television screen, which showed the inappropriate pornographic content, was recently installed, replacing a screen which was broken. We are trying to establish if the new screen, which is a smart television, could have accepted or picked up a broadcast by accident via Bluetooth or across a Wi-Fi network. Sounds like it's working great, and it's a very smart television.

Somebody was watching porn on their phone during the reception, or what do you call it even? Yeah, there's nothing like a little crematorium pocket pool to get you in the mood for it. What are you jerking to? Sometimes you just want to check them out. You don't need a jerk. But what do you need three televisions for at a procession? Four. What do you need them all for? There were hundredsion? Four. What do you need them all for?

There were hundreds of people there. You had to look. For what? The tributes. Like, you ever been to a funeral? Yeah, you ever been to a funeral where they show? I don't go to funerals. They don't exist.

What? Yeah, they definitely do. They definitely do. I went to one like a year ago. They're around. That's a conversation stopper right there. I thought that's what this podcast was. How fast can you stop the conversation?

Holden? Malaxed. There you go. Perfect. What happened? I walked back in the room and everyone laughed at me. You guys were saying negative things when I was in the bathroom? No, we said negative things.

We're talking about the news story. All right, very good. So a porno was played during the... During the funeral, yeah. While they were burning a father and a baby son. But isn't that what we want when we die? What kind of porn was it? It does not specify.

That's a thing. It seems like if they don't specify, that it was probably just regular P and the V. Was it like father-son porn? See that? That's a sub-genre. I think that's like a ethereal thing.

Father-son porn? I don't think so. Mother-son porn exists? Definitely father-son porn exists. I can find some for you right now. Do not! I don't think you should Google it, Marcus. Google it, Marcus! It's totally weird.

Elaine says we should do it. Do you know it exists or should we do it? I'm saying Google it. I don't want to see it, but Google it. Elaine says Google it. Give it a give. I don't know what you got. Every kind of porn exists. Milk?

Milk? Look up milk. Milk? Every kind of porn exists. Yeah. Yeah. Milf? Okay, so we got Milf. Milf? Look up Milf. Does that exist? Of course Milf exists. Elaine, you're a transsexual. What's the strangest thing you've Googled on Pornhub? Oh my God. Come to the microphone.

You can't talk unless you're on the microphone. You want me to come to the microphone? Huh. Yes, come. What do you know? There actually isn't any gay incest porn. I know there isn't. I think.

That's bullshit. It exists. I think. Did I spell incest wrong? Porn there isn't. That's bullshit. It exists. I think, did I spell incest wrong? Look up daddy boy. I'll let you have five seconds. Strangest thing you've Googled. Come to the microphone. Yep.

Not Googled. A friend showed me in college a woman getting gangbanged by three pterodactyls. No, I saw that one. That's old hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that one. That's not bad. Yeah, check it out.

Gayincest.com. Gayincest.com. Dad fuck son, fuck me daddy. Porno gratis gay film. I don't think it should be watched. Step dad and son. You don't think it should be watched? I don't think so.

I don't know. Get off that website. I'm off. Sex negative. We should bleep the name of it as well. Send me those links. Gayincest.com. It's very easy to remember.

I don't know. I feel like that's not right, but it's fine. Stay off before you get off. You got to have your fantasy play out. Everyone deserves, as long as no one's getting hurt, everyone deserves to have their fantasy play out. A child is getting hurt. No.

If you have sex with your father, it's incest but it's not pedophilia. Father-son porn does not necessarily have to be a father and an underage son. My dad's a German. Yeah, we know. You also had a dream where you blew him. If your dad's a German, all you have to do is ask. He didn't blow him. He had a dream

he took a shower with him. Everyone bathes with their father. Everybody showers. Everybody showers. Everyone bathes with their father. Everybody showers. Everybody showers. Everyone does shower and you have to shower to stay clean. It's key. Eddie spilled a bunch of beer on the table.

I spilled a little bit of coffee and I'm trying to tell Ed to get out of the way so I can get my paper towels and he starts patting the puddle. Yeah, fucking retard. Whoa! Wow! It's soaked into the fucking sheet. So I get my paper towels and he starts patting the puddle Yeah, fucking retard Whoa Wow It's so thin to the fucking cheek Eddie is specifically stupid

I can clean messes You pat it down Such an idiot But no, very smart Alright, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil Game of Thrones Is not anything to do with the segment Oh it's coming out again

Real soon I'm real excited it's gonna go past the books don't know how to feel about it It's better that way You know what else you know what's gonna happen this year And you know where else you're gonna be able to go and fulfill any weird fucked up sex fetish you ever had Where is it Holden Virtual reality son yeah there's gonna be three different vr headsets coming out this year playstation's get one of them you can virtually see me give you shout outs on one of them there's oculus rift is another on them and then steam is making another one it's gonna be a

technology thing because i don't know how do you make segment how to be a technology thing? Because I don't know. How do you make a headset? No. I can't do it. That's it. It's been said. No, I can't. All right. You put the Z wires at the back.

All right. No, I'm going to give you the real one. If you could live in any virtual reality world of your choosing, you're going to go off into there for the rest of your life. And there's going to be an old woman who's going to make sure you piss out of your choosing. You're going to go off into there for the rest of your life. And there's going to be an old woman who's going to make sure you piss out of your Johnson into a fucking bucket and jerks you off and shit when you need it.

She has to be there? She'll be there. Wait, what? Do I have to hang out with her? Or is she going to say a word? Because you've got to get immersed into the... Unless your virtual reality world is hanging out with an old lady in your own fucking

apartment it's gonna be goddamn insane so you're catheterized and you got an IV pretty much but an old lady she's getting you

she's putting your penis you can't taste anything cause like she'll feed you food yeah but you can never get out of it if you wanna get out of it there's gonna be like

some tube thing that does different tastes and stuff for you. We're talking way evolved, way past this year. So what you're asking is like, if we could live anywhere, where would we live? Essentially, but it's a virtual world. So you could live in a woman's tits.

You could live, you don't, you live. It's a matrix thing. It's a matrix thing. You could live in an abstract situation, right? Okay, so I will go first. I will live. No. I don't get it.

I don't get it. I don't understand. It's just if you could live in any virtual reality, if you could create a reality in which the rules were the ones that you made, the only parameters are your parameters, there is no limit to imagination. But you can't die? Yeah, you can die. Well, you can die in your physical world, but not in your virtual world.

If there's a rule that you can't die in your virtual world, then you're not going to die in your virtual world. If there's permadeath in your virtual world, there's permadeath in your virtual world, you nit. But you still have a body that will eventually give out, but you don't have to worry about that body because you've got an old woman taking care of you. Feeding you, pissing, putting your penis in a bowl to piss you, and jerking you off. She's not in the virtual world. She's not in the virtual world. Unless you want her. Unless you want her, but that's insanity.

Why would you do that? That's what I was thinking. Can I just say what my virtual world would be? She's old, too. Mine's all the sitcoms in one. What? All the sitcoms. And I'm the sitcoms. And I'm the best friend. And I'm the best friend. Everything.

Friends. Mork and Mindy. You don't get to curse. No. Well, I can curse in my physical world. Not in the fucking... You don't get to leave the virtual world. If I curse, they'll just bleep it out.

They'll just bleep it out. What's your idea? I'm not done yet. I only finished describing it. Family Matters, Full House will be in there as well. All the sitcoms will be in there. Big Bang, Big Bang Theory, anything. I don't even like Big Bang Theory.

So you're Urkel? Tuesdays with some... Herman's Head. Herman's Hell. Herman's Head. I knew that would get a thumbs up. All of them. And you're the best friend, roommate.

You're the Kramer. Everybody loves you. By the way, Herman's head was completely ripped off by Inside Out. No one's talking about it. Good point, Ed. That fucking Pixar cop suckers. Oh, Inside Out ripped off Herman's head. Yeah, that's goddamn right they did.

Micah, what are we doing? Amy Poehler, that bitch. Whoa! No! I said it! No! I didn't like that. Yeah.

God. I stand by like that. Yeah. I love it. I stand by Amy Poehler. Mike's microphone is... Just hold it and tell your answer. I'll just hold it. So, mine is one where gravity exists. Okay. The same kind of gravity on Earth, except you never land.

You just keep falling. So you just fall forever. Yeah, and things are around you that you can reach out and grab, or things will slow down. How do you get up there? It's like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Yeah, like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Oh, okay.

So I just think it would be crazy to keep flipping over. You just keep falling and falling, and anybody that you want to come and like hang out with you, you can, you can, you can fall with an entire living room set. Yeah. So why did, why did everyone ignore the dumbest question that Ed's ever asked? What was that? How do you get a burger? It just shows up. You just asked that? That's not the dumbest question I've ever asked.

That's one of the dumbest questions. Yeah, how do you get a... He's talking about a zero... Marcus is like, really? I'm talking about a zero-G reality, and your first question is, how do you get a burger? I think I...

You can't get a burger. I don't know how to explain it. I'm with Ed on this one. I don't think it's that dumb of a question. Everything, you're falling past everything, so, like, anytime... That's why I haven't been to China. I'm actually going to say

that's Ed's smartest question ever. I have to disagree with Marcus on this one. But you can never just sit on a couch. You can sit on a couch, but you and the couch will be falling. It's kind of awesome. I like it. I don't get it. So if you want to hang out in a living room setting, everything will show up for you,

but the couch and the chair will be bolted together with the TV and then you and some friends you understand right? it's pretty easy you're just following it makes sense how can you say you got it and then it doesn't make any sense?

those are two contradictory things this is an imagination world it's virtual reality I feel like it's Kissel you feel like everyone's dead? in my world everyone's dead. Kissel. You feel like everyone's dead? In my world, everyone's dead. You're the last man on earth. Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

I don't know. I'm not the last man on earth. Are there zombies? No, no, everyone's just dead. Oh, so you're dead. You're just a sleeping world. You're like living in the nothing. Yeah, whatever.

So you want the world to end, and you want to take everyone with you. No, I'm alive. I'm doing great. Oh, you are alive.. No, I'm alive. I'm doing great. Oh, you are alive. Yeah, just everyone's dead. I'm always alive. Every other person is dead? Just be dead.

A dead body? Yeah, so I don't have to hear you right now. Are they like in the ground dead or like slaying around strewn? We got in there. Wherever they want to be. We're in there. They don't get to choose. They're dead.

I mean, I don't want it to smell. So the last person on Earth, other than you, dies. What do you do with the body? You bury it? Oh, I'm not doing... Go to the ocean. Yeah, go to the ocean. Everyone goes to the ocean. Get out of here. Go die. The only

people that live are great directors, great actors. Who's that? I don't know. It's true. I don't know. And. It's true. It is true. He doesn't know. I don't know. I don't know.

And manufacturers of things that I enjoy. Other than that, go die. All right. And then boom. Then I'm happy. What do you want? Yeah. You got to maybe something happier.

Yeah. I would take a happy like like, rainbow fun cartoon land. Amusement rides, a lot of cats with big eyes. Yes. Yeah, that's pretty good. Big-eyed cats. Yeah. Okay.

All right. I like that. I don't know. Yeah, that's great. Cartoons and big-eyed cats? That's your virtual world? Simple and happy. You're going to get sick of whatever world you're in.

Yeah. There's no, like, that's true. The world is constantly changing. I had everyone die that I didn't like. I said mine was constantly changing. Yours is the fact that you're in. Yeah. There's no like. The world is constantly changing. I had everyone die that I didn't like. I said mine was constantly changing. Yours is. It's the fact that you're always falling. No, it's visually.

Yours is so sad. Yeah, visually it's always, it's like you're falling through a tube. Jackie. A tube of burgers. So, I mean, theoretically, mine would be a hybrid between like the Jungle Book and I would say, I guess, the Lion King king where you would be the only human and there are like there are no other humans unless you decide to go out and seek them out and other like tribes but you're in the jungle but instead of having someone that like preys upon you that

you're scared of in reality you're like Mufasa and you are revered by all of the animals in the rainforest so you have people that like you have animals that protect you and you have animals that uh that fear you but for the most part you rule the jungle so you can you can create whatever you want but you have all these like extra sensory abilities since you never really like learned how to like communicate with humans so you can build whatever you want you can just like like traverse through the rainforest but if you want you can take them with you to guide you out and also protect you if you want to venture out of the rainforest to find other things. Isn't that just the beginning of society? Yeah, but you're not. That's a world you can live in.

It's a world. But you just want to go back in time like five million years. She answered the question. You said I want nothing. I said I want you dead. I said I want you dead. I said I want you dead. I'm saying you have all these weird animal friends that you learn all this weird other communication. That sounds super cool.

Yeah, it sounds really cool. Sounds like Far Cry Primal. Where do you get a corn dog? You could probably learn how to fashion it by cutting open a pig and setting up a fire. I'll ask the questions, Michael. Making a bunch of grain. Growing a bunch of grain. Is there falling?

Is there falling? What do you mean, out of a tree? Just any sort of gravity falling. She's just talking about the beginning of time. I'll ask the questions, Ben. You can fall out of a tree, but then probably a panther will come and pick you up and nurse you back to health. Ed Larson, tough shoes to fill. Oh, man.

Difficult shoes to put your feet in. They will break because they are smaller. They will bust open. Not if you get non-slip protective shoes. That's what I'm going to have to do because I'm a chef. I don't know. I'm a chef who loves ladders. We're in a dangerous

land where there's hot dogs are trying to attack you. I love you, but hot dogs are good. There's pickles trying to attack you. You can't eat the hot dogs. You're talking about burger time. You're talking about burger time. And you want to go to a reality world where you're constantly being I need the hot dogs. You're talking about burger time. You're talking about burger time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to go to a virtual reality world where you're constantly being attacked? Yeah. No, it's just burger time. If you win, you win. If they come at you, you got your salt. You know, you're going to throw it in their eyes. You know, a hot dog is like running at you. Then you just throw some salt in his eyes. Then he gets stunned.

Then you run past the bun, and he's on the bun. So he just falls all the way to the bottom, and then just, shit, there his eyes and he gets stunned. Then you run past the bun and he's on the bun. So he just falls all the way to the bottom and then just, shit, there's a fucking burger down there. And you do that over and over and over again. Is that why you asked, how do you get a burger? Well, no, I asked that because of his. I mean, I've always heard that. Shocking. The game BurgerTime is your choice.

3D BurgerTime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I mean. It doesn't have to be 3D. I mean BurgerTime is your choice. 3D BurgerTime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I mean. It doesn't have to be 3D. It's virtual reality. Yeah. Isn't it all 3D? I mean, we could do some weird abstract nonsense.

Nah, mine's 3D. I want to be in there. You know, I want to fucking, I want this old woman to bring me a giant hot dog. And when I lose, I want her to slap me with it. God, I love that old woman. Marcus, many ideas have said words tonight. When would you put an idea? I do actually like that.

When would you put an idea? You're not people, we are all ideas. It is an intricate thought. True. Marcus, you called Ed a retard. Who do you think was a retard? Oh, yeah, I did. I did. No, you called Ed a retard. Who do you think called him a retard? I did. No. Didn't I? You called him a retard.

Yeah, because he tried to pat the table dry. Yeah, well, I didn't try to pat it dry. I tried to pat it into the material. Classic chef's move. We all know that move. It's still wet, of course.

I didn't blow on it or anything. Marcus. Ideas. Who wins the game? Ideas, who wins the game? Only one person's game is filled with giant burgers. I know that much. One person's game is many animals to be beloved.

One person's game is just a sad death land. A sad, lonely, skeleton bone land. Big-eyed cats and cartoons. That is true. And then Forever Falling. That's terrifying. That's awful. And I've officially forgotten what yours was.

All the sitcoms. TGIF every day. I'm going to go with Animal Land. Yes! I also will say my virtual reality, personally, everything's on fire all the time, but nothing burns. All right. I like that. Great fake class.

But you always go with Jackie. Hold it! Hold it! No, no, no, no, no! No, Marcus, you always go with Jackie. That's not true. No, no, he always goes with Eddie. You always choose her.

Yeah, yours was awful, Ben. Why would I ever choose yours? You're dead in mine. You always choose her! Yeah, yours was awful, Ben. Why would I ever choose you? You're dead in mine! Also, I cater to Marcus. I love- I enjoy living, Ben. Ah, different opinions. I cater to Marcus.

That's the whole point. You're trying to get Marcus to choose you, right? Yeah, well, sometimes I don't choose you because I know you're playing to me and I find it pandering and patronizing. Yeah, well, of course, that's my fucking job. Whatever. That's my fucking job Tower man, it doesn't

Live in a jungle because I would never be able to like climb a tree in real life Oh, how about a virtual reality game called pandering where you're just like really nice panda bear who's nice to everybody Tells them that they like all right I should have won Jackie would, you shouldn't have. You always shoot. No, no, no. You shoot the nothing. Jack the Worm. Find her on Twitter at Jack the Worm.

I said you're dead. Molest! Oh, whatever. You can catch Micah Sherman at Micah. What are you doing right now? That's it. He was trying to tell you how to fight. That's Micah. What are you doing right now? He was trying to tell you what he had to say. That's it. No, but honestly, find Carmen Legala on Twitter.

Carmen, what is it? At Carmen Legala. She is so funny. She's on Facebook. We didn't scare her. We did scare her. We didn't scare Carmen. I'm a pretty nice person. Thank you. She's not her. We didn't scare Carmen. I am such a nice person.

We're bad people. Thank you. I am like super nice. She's not nice. She's a Colombian. Yeah. That's what she is. She's got a tiny vagina.

Don't be rude to her. You got that yayo. Hey, yayo. I'm a... Hey, yayo. What's up? Yayo. Yayo.

Daylight come and me wanna go home. That's right. It's a day. It's a day, it's a day February 13th, Murder First show at the Brit Night 30 Yeah, yeah Twitch.tv forward slash Holdenators Hell Yeah

Balls Go follow me on Spotify I got some new playlists up Oh, yeah, can people follow me on Rhapsody? I don't think so, no one uses Rhapsody The people who do love it. And I'm on there at any. You can catch me at Pinstagramter.

Book. Google Plus. Very good, Micah. I'll tell you what, though. If you are on Spotify, follow Murder Fist. You can listen to all the Murder Fist music that's played on our shows. I used to follow Murder Fist, but then you guys kicked me out for the account. We did?

What are you talking about? I'm off the Spotify account. You used to use Murder Fist, but then you guys kicked me out for the account. We did? What are you talking about? I'm off of the Spotify account. You used to use our free account. Yeah, I know I'm off of it, so. Are we still recording? How do you get kicked off of a free account? I don't know. I went to Spotify.

I'm off of it. Make your own free account. Just Google Micah Sherman. All the information will be there. Murder Fist kicked me off of Spotify, so. There's another Micah Sherman who grows weed. That's the problem is he isn't using that one. There's another Micah Sherman who grows weed. That's the problem is he can kiss a ball. There's another Micah Sherman who plays techno violin.

That's not bad. There's another Marcus Parks who has no arms and shoots guns with his feet. That's awesome. He's better than you. He's totally you. There's an Edward Larson that's a scientist and another one that's a woodmaker. And they're both more popular than me. A woodmaker? Yeah,'re both more popular than me.

A woodmaker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He grows trees. He's God. Bye, everybody. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.