The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 276: Butterscotch Puddles

Episode Date: February 9, 2016

The gang is joined by Natalie Jean in this poop-centric episode to debate whether or not pooping your pants is a reasonable excuse for theft, learn about the dangers of excreting bodily waste in public pools, and to see what comes up when they google themselves.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. gentlemen, always civility.

And now the show begins. That's the show. Who's praying? Oh, it's me. The Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Dear Lord, please, oh please, oh please, if you do anything for me at all, Dolphins in the playoffs next year.

Go! In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. You know, there's a massive prison problem, and there's more children starving in the United States than any place. Who gives a fuck? Zika babies. You can pray about anything, Eddie. You really can.

You can pray. What's on the mind? My boys are on the mind. You don't know you, Eddie. I got the sock. Oh, my God. You pulled can. You can pray. What's on the mind? My boys are on the mind. You don't know you, Eddie. I got the sock. Oh my god. You pulled the socks out. The old sock trick. Good god. I'll miss you boys. Come back and

play soon. They don't know you, Ed. Why have you already started to make your 2016 sad? Don't start now. Alright. Good. I'm going to do the welcome now. Go ahead. Welcome to the... I've always been...

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everyone. All right. So Jackie is not here. Sitting in for Jackie, Natalie, Jane. Hello. I'm the resident vagina. Yeah, you are the resident vagina. Say something.

I don't know. What does Jackie say? Say squirty bird. Oinky oink. Squirty bird. Yeah, that's actually pretty close. It wasn't racist enough, though. That's very true.

I don't have that expensive wish she has for booking. You don't have that genetic gene, but the other guy with us, Henry, does because he's also a Zebrowski. Spanish people steal. Whoa! That's not so bad, Marcus. No, that's awful. That's awful? That's terrible.

No, they only steal because they can't hold down jobs. They don't have the money to pay for things. He said Spanish, not Hispanics. Spanish. Yeah, he didn't say Latin. Spaniards, I don't really know too much about. Yeah, yeah. They might steal.

Think about this. I mean, they fucking play with balls. They're weird. Christopher Columbus was a Spaniard. He stole the whole thing. He was an Italian. No, he was not. Christopher Columbus was Portuguese. I tell you. It's even worse. Come on whole thing. He was an Italian. Christopher Columbus was Portuguese.

That's even worse. Thought he was a Guinea. I believe. We know that much. Lots of movies about it. If it's in a movie, it's got to be right. All right. Didn't Gerard Depardieu play Columbus?

Gerard Depardieu? He did. He was in the movie. Oh, no, there was two Columbus movies came out at once. There was 1492 and then the other one. All you need to do to play Columbus is have an alcoholic's face. Right, right, right, right, right. Because you gotta be drunk on a boat. Yep. Why not? Yep.

1492, Conquest of Paradise. 1992, starring Gerard Dipardu. Woo! Give me $5 for that trivia bit. They couldn't find one Spanish guy for that movie. No, it's Hollywood. Tom Selleck was in it. They steal. You can't have them around sets everywhere.

There's expensive cameras everywhere. They can't help themselves. You only get one more, Henry. Columbus was a piece of shit. Yeah. Thank you, Ed. Okay. Can you please call those people?

He raped them. He murdered them. He went all up and down the court. Hey, Ed Larson. Tarsus. It's my name. Ho! He raped him.

He murdered him. He went all up and down the court. Ed Larson is my name. Ho! We three kings are holding Natives. No, that's not how it goes. PlayStation Network shout-outs are back, baby, by popular demand. No one has demanded this. They were all crying.

They were all screaming, where did they go last week? I was busy. Your fans are fucking idiots. They're in it. They're in it, is what you meant to say. Poncho993 wants a second shout out. He wants to call Henry an old jazz rag,

which I think was an autocorrect mistake. Cool. Slade Porter. I'll be a jazz rag. Oh, yeah, yeah. Your lips are wet from the trombone. See, I'm mammy. Sladeombone, see? Oh, mammy. Slade Porter says, Ed is awesome and go Dolphins.

Oh, so he's an all right guy. He said, cheer him up for the love of God. Also doomed. Yes. That man. PDX Meng says that Ben's neck is bigger than mine. It would probably be bigger than yours. I appreciate the observation.

Fans are fucking retarded. Robert underscore push. Yeah, it's a thing. Well, taller or thicker? Yours is thicker than mine. Yours is an 18. I'm a 17 and a half inch neck. Let's have a neck measurement.

We will do that later on. Very good idea. We don't have enough rope. Henry, you're off the show. I'm sorry. Broughton's head is actually thinner than his neck if you look at it. It is true. That's why they called me Peaky Pencil Boy back in high school

because I love to give a gander under them gowns that the little ladies are wearing. And I always had a pencil head. All right. You fuckers. Robert underscore Polson tells Shane he's a pickle puffer. Ha, that'll show him for saying I used the wrong variation of two in the title. I'm not sure what that means. Poncho, no, Stubwolf wants a motherfucking Holdenator shout out.

Muskrat 118 says Jackie is cool. She's not here to see it, so the tree doesn't fall in the forest too loud. You fuckers! That's a bird saying fuckers. That's amazing. Thanks for talking. Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man.

I'm back. I came back in. I landed like two hours ago, two, three hours ago. Yeah, so this is interesting. It'll sound like a bummer at first, but it's a positive thing at the end of it. I was at a funeral yesterday, right? And my mom was very aggressive about like, I'm going with you. I'm like, Mom, I want you to go with you.

Go with me. There's a bunch of people from high school I haven't seen in a while. You know, it's going to be weird. That's embarrassing. Yeah, she was aggressively like, I'm coming with you. I'm like, no, Mom, please. It became a huge fight. And then finally when I convinced her to let me go alone, she's like, all right, well,

I'm going to Disney World. Really? Disney World. And she's still there. What does Claudette Barnett do at Disney World? I know. And she's still there. What's this so much? What's this Claudette Barnett doing? I know. She's on the rise.

Just to spite you. Yeah, she did it to spite you. I love it. You're going to do sad things. I'm going to the happiest place on earth. Just sulking on the teacups. I just want to go and hang out in the cups with Eddie and Henry and drunk and be like, slow it down.

And just like constantly bitch. That'll be super fun wow that's amazing so your mom how long is she gonna hang out in disney i don't know man she's still there i just got another video on the teacup oh my god i love those teacups that's great is she smiling in the photos smiling and fuck out of smiling man she was loving it is she by herself that. I'm fucking out of smiling, man. She was loving it. Is she by herself? I think one of my cousins went with her or something. Unfortunately, we all have to go to another funeral at some point. Will this deter you from having her go with you again, or do you think you're going to let her go and celebrate Disney World?

You know, I'm happy she's joined Disney World once. Oh, my goodness. I've never seen her on a ride, too. All the other times I've ever been to anything, Disney World or any theme parks, she never got on a ride. I love her. Now she's riding all this shit. It's crazy.

Oh, that's incredible. Open casket, closed casket. Open. Open casket. I love the open casket. It takes balls. I am so pro open casket. I hate it.

Why do you like it? Yours won't be able to shut, Ed. I'm on fire. I'm on fire. Whoa. I got fingers and poppers Good word Where's the cowbell?

Hit it Hit it Watch it Boom Ben Kissel on fire Fat jokes about Eddie You have to do it in a box cutter? I'm doing it with a razor

Oh by the way We all had a wonderful time At the bar last night And Henry We were talking about Reddit I made a terrible mistake Of searching my name on it Never do it holy lord a bunch of dickheads and assholes huh boy you never my goodness but then you're on fox news though at the end of the day they always come back and

then they're like but i really love round table and i love all the shows like they'll just say like terrible things and then they always love everything nothing good is ever going to come from searching your name or looking at comments on things you've done. You're going to do it. It's like cutting. That's the only thing that's going to come to mind. You know what? It was a similar sensation. It was emotional cutting. And at the end of it, I did feel kind of good. By the end of the purge, because

some people are very nice. They're watching. Most people are actually very nice, but Reddit's a crazy place. What I found is that when you Google, you know how it'll auto-complete it? So I do Henry Zebrowski's space, and it's always height, still fat. Like we'll come up with Henry Zebrowski still fat. Let's do one weird one. Can you do Ed Larson?

Oh, no. I'm not that popular. No, it doesn't say still fat. It says weight loss. Oh. That's not bad. Henry Zebrowski height. That's number one.

You're popular enough do people know about your weight loss I was I was very fat he was so fat he was huge Chad but it wasn't

but everybody pointed no one knew him when he was really fat yeah everybody knew him because he was taking up the whole road and you were trying to get around him

let's all just think about what we're saying about a friend hold it it's on fire yeah and then it's Henry Zabrowski heroes and then Henry Zebrowski Twitter. What do I got?

Oh, no. This is going to be exciting. I'm excited for this. Ben Kissel raped me? Question mark. Ben Kissel height. Okay, good. Ben Kissel comedian.

Okay. Ben Kissel wiki. Okay. Ben Kissel Twitter, and Ben Kissel bio. All fine things. Fine things. Fine things. It's also very sad because I actually haven't lost any weight. So that's basically it.

Kevin, we got to see what Kevin's got. Kevin Barnett Twitter, Kevin Barnett LinkedIn, Kevin Barnett dressed as a woman. Whoa. It's the same. What is Kevin Barnett dressed as a woman? Do you have a side career going, Kev? What's happening? Nothing comes up.

Well, when you Google any actress, one of the first things that always comes up is feet because it's one of the non-porn triggers that you'll get that is sexual. People love the third story that comes up when you put in Kevin Barnett dressed as a woman is what's at pedophiles? Three utterly depraved perverts. Wow.

Is that a BuzzFeed list? Married couple Kevin and Susan Barnett. Whoa, Kevin, who's Susan? How long have you known her for? You would never date a Susan. This is data Susan, man. They exchanged plans to rape and sexually assault children using the online messaging service What's App,

and, oh, it's a different Kevin Barnett. Oh, a much different Kevin Barnett and a much scarier Kevin Barnett oh yeah that's definitely that was an action figure that would be white power Kevin there's a bunch of us man I think I'll tell y'all before about the other comedy writer named Kevin Barnett yeah and he used to have like most of my IMDB credits shit yeah what yeah so you're more successful no he's written like comedy writer named Kevin Barnett. And he used to have most of my IMDb credits and shit. Oh, that's accurate. Oh, so you were more successful? No, he's written movies.

Oh, okay. Well, you should change your name to Quincy Barnett. I'm not going to change my name for this motherfucker, but Quincy is a dope name. Quincy Barnett? I would like Quincy. Kevin, you should write some movies. Yeah, yeah, I should write some movies. You should, yep. You're doing good.

All right, Marcus. What happens if you Google your name? I do want to hear this. Oh, this is going to be. It's nothing. Marcus Parks. Bonability. Soil.

I think something. Single. Huh. Marcus Parks' girlfriend. All right. Let me see if you have a goddamn girlfriend. That means women are searching for him mostly to see if you're single. See if he's a single boy.

See if he's a gay. Is it possible? Yeah, it's Marcus Park's girlfriend, Marcus Park's band, Marcus Park's Spotify, and Marcus Park's Nikita, who is my ex-girlfriend. Cool. And she was so attractive. I remember when you lost that hot black British chick. That's really weird that, you know, podcast comes up sixth.

Yeah, but your ex-girlfriend comes up fifth. No, actually, that's fifth. No, no, no. Podcast is fifth. Nikita is fourth. It's girlfriend, band, Spotify, Nikita, and then podcast. So according to Google, you're still, all your podcast work is still less important than your ex-girlfriend. Than the one girlfriend.

Than the one ex-girlfriend. Do you remember when you were together? I loved her. Oh, she was a fan. There was nothing wrong with her. No. Not at all. She was insane.

Completely. The internet was so happy for you. They really believed in you. That's so crazy. The internet did believe in that. I really want to know how that happens. All right, do me and Holden now. We're already doing this.

We've got to find him. All right, yeah. Holden McNeely King. Holden McNeely, the future lord. Holden McNeely Taco Bell. Smell the bell, baby. This episode's brought to you by Chili Con Carne.

That's huge. Holden McNeely Lexi. What is going on with this girl? He loves game night every Monday night. Holden McNeely PSN. Holden McNeely Twitch. And Holden McNeely Girlfriend. Interesting.

But honestly, with Marcus, it's to see if maybe they could fuck him with you it's do we believe right he has a girlfriend what does she could possibly look like the name is first is she alive yeah I'm gonna tell you some good news I'm getting a couple cysts removed this year yeah what are you planning for like April oh yeah you gotta plan far ahead you gotta go way ahead yeah you have to sneak up on. They haven't even grown yet. Oh, yeah. Well, you also have to sneak up on them because as soon as they realize the scalp is coming,

they go, and just like fucking run around. Well, they said, the doctor said, oh, you can massage it out. How long have you had it? I said, quite some time. He's like, oh, no, it turns into a bit of a leather pouch of oils after a certain amount of time. You cannot feed him after midnight. It's on my back right here. Lexi calls it my button.

Oh, my God. I want to vomit. She has been brainwashed. Yeah, what did you do to that poor, poor woman? There was a dude, so on Pretty Face, I'm sorry, Nat, I'm going to bring this up because you hate this story. Oh, God damn it.

So there's a guy that was played a background uh on pretty face so normally we get a lot of weird homeless guys that come on to play other demons in the background for pretty face well i forget about this you talk about it it's an open call in atlanta yes it's on craigslist in atlanta for bg to play demons on the show so we have this guy come in and he is a he's gonna play lust and he's this old piece weird looking man and they didn't tell him that he was gonna be in fishnets and high heels for this thing and he's this very old southern man they put him in there but it's nuts are so big they're sliding out of this like out of this weird leather corset thing they have him in it's horrible right but the worst was is that

when they're cleaning his head so we have like bigger than nuts like literally like ed clams like fucking five inches long he didn't realize how long they were bigger it's like oh you fucking me so good it's like bitch oh all i got's my nuts my nutteria oh it's just my nuts so when you say big are you just talking long long and or how about like ball circumference what could you compare like egg size it was like an egg roll jum? It was like an egg roll. Jumbo egg. It was like an egg roll, like a fat egg roll. Two egg rolls. No, no, no.

One big fat one, like a knish. Oh, I see. And so he, but they were cleaning his head. So they have to come and they have to clean, they wipe us down with this thing called tellusus makeup remover, which is this lotion that makes the oil, the alcohol based makeup fall off. Getting me horny. And so V, who is one of the makeup assistants,

was rubbing his head and said, the only way she could describe his head is that it was covered in butterscotch puddles that were covered that he had these weird, like, soft parts to his skull where she was washing it, and he's like, mind the head, I've got pustules up there.

What the hell's a pustule? It's whatever hole he's got. It's just a hole in the head? It's just a... I have a cyst. It's actually a... I got pustules. It's is a pustule? It's just a hole in the head? I have a cyst. It's actually a pustule. Oh, it's a pustule? Small bumps on the skin that are filled with fluid or pus.

And they can form on any part of the body. So Holden's leathery oil sacks are better than this. Yes. Healthier. Well, they're harder. What you have are pustules. No, no, no. Healthier. Well, they're harder. What you have are pustules. No, no, no. Cyst. Oh, cyst. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Leather and oil.

The oil becomes a sort of a leathery consistency. Right. So you can't massage it out in hot water. So if you ever get a cyst coming in on you, get in that hot water, massage it out daily, or you'll have what I have. You gotta get a surgeon to pull it all the gunk out. Yeah, you'll have what Holden has, a girlfriend that refers to it all the gunk out yeah you'll have what Holden has a girlfriend that refers to it as the button what I hope is that everybody

is doing what I did when I was here in the butterscotch puddles story that I was eating a big old bowl of oatmeal and I hope that you are also just got a big but just fucking steamy thing a clam linguine it's never too late for oatmeal oh by the way what happens when she pushes the button

um poppy gets rowdy poppy gets rowdy It's never too late for oatmeal. Oh, by the way, what happens when she pushes the button? Poppy gets rowdy. God, you're gross. Does she really, like, honestly, does she play with it? She doesn't touch it. She's good. They have to. They live in a one-bedroom apartment. You get bored.

I mean, look what people do in prison. You're like kids in Mumbai playing with pieces of garbage, saying, oh, we did soccer. Look at soccer. Yeah, sort of like that. Oh, oh, we did soccer. Look at soccer. Yeah, sort of like that. Oh, yeah, we forgot to do Ed for Google. All right, let's do Ed. It's going to be like weight gain something. I'm calling meat.

Meat's going to be on the list and weed's going to be on the list. This is really weird. It's super boring. Ed Larson comedy. Ed Larson Santa Cruz. Ed Larson Wells Fargo. Ed Larson comedian. You're trying to hack into your account, Ed Larson's Santa Cruz, Ed Larson Wells Fargo, Ed Larson Comedian. You're trying to hack into your account, Ed. Ed Larson Pepperdine.

I don't know what that means. That's a sausage company. Pepperdine? Yeah. No, Pepperdine's a law school. There's lots of- You just arrested outside of one? No, Professor Ed Larson's latest book reaches the New York Times bestseller list.

There's a Professor Ed Larson? Yeah, and there's a scientist, and there's a woodsman also. Yeah, he won the Pulitzer Prize. What? I'm not the most famous Ed Larson. The return of George Washington. Oh, my God, the name Edward J. Larson. Isn't your middle initial J?

No, it's W. Yeah, Walter. William? Williger. Williger. Edward William Larson. Isn't your middle initial J? No, it's W. Yeah, Walter. Yeah, William. Williger. William. Williger. Williger. Edward William Larson.

Did you ever think about changing your name to Quincy Larson? Ooh. That's my go-to now. Quincy might be a good last name for me. Ed Quincy. Bad news on Edward W. Larson. Dead. Senior.

Oh. Yeah. When did he die? Senior. Last year. Oh, yeah. Is that your dad? He was old.

He went home to be with his lord last June. Oh, Yeah. When did he die? Senior. Last year. Oh, yeah. But he was old. He went home to be with his lord last June. Oh, that's tough. Which lord was his? Well, the one that lives in upstate New York. Oh. Albany. What was his birthday?

Let's see here. No way to tell. July 7th, 1934, Staten Island, loyal GE employee. Oh, General Electric. That's good. You've never been a loyal employee of anything. Buffalo Wild Wings. You quit, and you took acid. You got to come back, man.

They ain't doing so good. They closed down. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? Survived by his sister, Esther Foote. Oh. What's your dad's name?

Esther Foote. Jerome. Jerome Jerome Yeah Alright Well that's a fun little road A little trip down Google Down the Google road Okay

So now we have to do a news story Oh yeah let's do a news story I got this tequila Henry gave me tequila Okay Well I'm just saying It messes with my brain Maybe you shouldn't come out tonight

I'm not coming out tonight Let's start with Poopy News It messes with my brain. Maybe you shouldn't come out tonight. I'm not coming out tonight. Let's start with Poopy News. Oh, I like Dookie News. And not only Poopy News, but Publix News. Oh, I love Publix. I know you do. I like one with sandwiches.

Good sandwiches, Ed. I got one recently. Really? Yeah, I had it. What kind of sandwich did you get? I got the Ultimate. That's what you got to get, Boar's Head Ultimate. I get it with spicy brown mustard and also mayonnaise. What do you do, Eddie?

I did that, and I had Swiss cheese. What's on the ultimate? I mean, it's all the greats. It's ham, it's turkey, and it's fucking roast beef. You got to get the Boar's Head. Don't ever fucking skimp. I don't like Boar's Head. Boar's Head is so overrated.

You're an asshole. I am, no. I'll beat the shit out of you. No. What? No, I'm fucking sausage. I do believe No. I'll beat the shit out of you. No. What? Slap you in the fucking sausage. I do believe that. You would do that, Ed.

Mm-hmm. All right. Well, yes. Also, and this is, I think you guys know where this is, Land O'Lakes. Oh, yeah. Land O'Lakes. The butter place. Yeah, Land O'Lakes, Florida.

Is that really where they do the butter? Absolutely. Huh. I did not know that. They have the fattest Indians there. They have the fattest Indians there. Well, deputies say a Land O'Lakes woman used reusable grocery bags to steal $199 worth of groceries from a Hernando Publix grocery store and then claimed she walked out of the store without paying because she had defecated in her pants. It's going to happen? On Friday, January 29th, public workers saw Paula J. Ernst, 51, selecting items and putting them in her shopping cart at the Publix.

She then allegedly took the groceries from her shopping cart and put them in her reusable public shopping bags, which she had brought with her. Hernando County Sheriff's Office detectives say Ernst walked out of the store without paying for the groceries, which was recorded by surveillance cameras. Publix employees wrote down Ernst's license plate number. She was then contacted at her home by telephone and agreed to return to the store. But did she poop her pants? Do we have evidence? Well, after she was arrested, Ernst told employees she did not mean to steal the items and walked out of the store because she had defecated in her pants. According to an arrest affidavit, she was charged with shoplifting and booked into the Hernando County Jail.

What? Let her give her the opportunity to pay. If she's got the money, let her pay. She shit herself. And if she did poop herself, you get to steal a little bit, right? I don't know if that's a... You'd say that should be on the books?

Nobody ever shames a skunk. That's a good point, Henry. I would kill a skunk without even hesitating. Yeah. But they're cute. If you take out their scent sacks and their assholes. Now with a bullet in their fucking head. No, they are cute like that, too.

But they have no evidence she actually pooped her pants. Absolutely not. She just said that she did. Yeah, they have no evidence whatsoever. I think she's a good Samaritan. She got out of there. She didn't dirty up the public. She kept that place crisp.

She kept it clean. Yeah, but she also could have just left the groceries there. You know, she panicked. Yeah, when you're pooping your pants, you're in panic mode. However, she didn't get out of there. If you're panicking, though, you'd think she would just leave the cart behind and run out the store. She took the time to put all of the groceries into her disposable Publix bag. While shitting her pants.

We don't know when the poop was coming. You're playing right into her hands, man. That just shows how solid of a backup plan it was. But Land O'Lakes ain't fucking around. Right. She knew she was doing it. If you're willing to shit your pants in order to get groceries, I think that you should just give the woman a few groceries.

Yeah, but we don't know if she shit her pants. She didn't. You don't think she did, Kevin? She can provide proof of her pants being soiled. Yes, we need to see soiled pants. Yeah, I want to see the cop in her smell and her jeans. She didn't shit her pants, man. You don't think so?

No, she didn't. She got caught and they're like, I shit in my pants, which is exactly what I would say. Right. Yeah, it's a good go-to. It's a good story. And furthermore, say she said like, okay, she goes to judge and said, listen, I've got the shitty pants. Let me just make a phone call.

I got to call my lawyer right quick. She doesn't call her lawyer. She calls her husband, brother, sister, whosoever and says, hey, listen, I need you to go home. I need you to go into my second drawer. I need you to bring out a pair of pants. I need you to put them on, and I need you to shit. Shit. Dump in the pants.

And that is a real friend. That is somebody you could call on the phone. This is a good thing. I want a friend. Do you have to call a sibling? Anybody here. Oh, my God. He'd be the first one I had to call.

If I had to stage my pants being shat, if I was sitting in a fucking holding cell, and I had to make one phone call, I'd be like, Mom, and look around, and be like, Ed, I need you to go and fucking get shit in my best pants. Oh, the whole thing would fall apart. Thank you, sir.

I've been waiting for this my whole life. The dookie pants will go down. They'll find a whole series of disgusting, illegal ingredients inside the dookie. You'll be booked on God knows what. Espionage. Do you think that if they found cocaine in the shit, that they could bust you for cocaine possession?

I think so. If you're holding it. If there was a full bag of cocaine that you swallowed and that was inside of your turd, maybe. Can you imagine that? That not only you shat your pants while shoplifting, but you had forgotten that you were also a drug mule. While shitting your pants and also shat but you had forgotten that you were also a drug mule. Right. And had shat, while shitting your pants, and also shat about four bags

of pure cocaine into your pants. And you got double booked for not only being a pants shitter, which you get spanked for in Florida. That's right. And then, first of all, first degree pants shitting. Dirty palms in Land O'Lakes, Florida. And also drug smuggling.

Right, right. Being a drug mule. That's a lot of problems in life. I think maybe you do need a few nights in jail if you've got all that going on. Yeah, exactly. No, you need no nights in jail for this poor woman. She had cocaine in her ass also. She did not. That's speculation.

That's speculation on the part of Henry Zebrowski. No one said she did not. No one did say she did not. That's what I'm saying. That's right. She had pussy blood in her socks. I one said she did not. No one did say she did not. That's what I'm saying. That's right. She had pussy blood in her socks. I'm saying it right now. I'm throwing out the accusation.

That's not illegal. You can have that. Allegedly, she's got it in there. It's shameful. It is shameful. And she should be publicly spanked for it. No, she should. You have a fetish.

You are developing a fetish. She should be forced to kiss the ugliest man in town in the middle of town square. Yes, and he's chosen by electorate. There's the first five of the ugliest men are put on a stool, and they're all out there, stools, out in the middle of a town square. The whole town votes who's ugliest. Everybody throws up, and then they vote. And the four dudes who don't win are killed.

I would love it if there was a statue of George Washington sitting down, and they had to lay over that, and they ripped off one of his arms. And so you could get behind it and pretend like you were George Washington's arm and then spank it. Spank her the whole time. And be like, yeah, shitty piggy gets spanked. I'm George Washington. I'm the first president. Let's go to war.

You look like George Washington, kind of. You have the same body of most of the presidents before Reagan. Yeah. Built. Muscular. All right. So, Kevin, what's your favorite sandwich from Publix? I go with that chicken tender.

What's up, man? Oh, that's good. Although the last, like, two times I was down there, man, it was a horrible experience. Really? Yeah. I don't know what the fuck happened. Which Publix? I forget.

I was somewhere in Florida. I was in, like, Fort Myers. Oh, yeah. And I got one and i got one there and it was like all torn up is it a height thing do you think they're they're discriminating because you're probably well no what you discover though about publics is that they're there's always a good publics and a bad publics and everywhere you go within about a 10 mile radius there's always like there's the great publics that fucking killing it and then there's the shitty well what's the difference how are publics changing so much it's supposed to be a chain it Well, what's the difference? How are Publix changing so much? It's supposed to be a chain.

It's supposed to be the same experience every time you walk through the doors. I've never had a bad time at Publix. I'll tell you that right now. That's your standards. That's the only time I've ever had a bad one at Fort Myers. Yeah. You had a disappointing experience with Publix when we were just in Atlanta. In Atlanta, there was a bad Publix, but the sandwich was still good.

It was in Atlanta? Yeah. Yeah, well, Publixes are made for Florida. We all know that. Yeah. Once they get out of Florida, I can't vouch for them. That's great. That's exciting.

Man, I'm so happy to get a little insight into the relationship about the conversation of the bad experience that Henry had at Publix in Atlanta. He didn't get to pay Publix. That guy's better than the other one. I also like to get the chicken fingers. I don't get them on the sub. I get them on the side of my sub. So you get a full sub, and then you put the chicken finger inside the sub?

No, I get it on the side. I eat it as an appetizer. Two fingers for every meal. That's a warm-up. Not a that, man. You don't want to do it. He's so much fatter than you, Kevin. It's a great time.

I like the boar's head dressing, too. All right. Very good. Exciting. We can talk for hours about Publix. Apparently. I know you guys can. Hold it. You're a favorite Publix. I'm ready to have's head dressing too. All right. Very good. Excited. We can talk for hours about Publix. Apparently. I know you guys can. Hold it.

You're a favorite Publix. I used to have the cookies, man. I used the cookies. You can't get them past 12, but you know what? I was getting them cookies up to 16. The line for Publix we were waiting. A methadone. It's junkies waiting for that fix.

Yeah. What kind of cookies do you get from Publix, Kevin? Oh, chocolate chip, man. Chocolate chip. They're free when you're a child. I like white chocolate macadamia. Ugh. That is a shit person cookie. You're a child. I like white chocolate macadamia. That is a shit

person cookie. You're a shit person cookie. Why is the white chocolate macadamia a shit person cookie? Does no one agree with me? I agree with you. No, Henry's getting hoity-toity. He's got coconut sugar. He's got $8 sugar in his hand. Look at my life.

I decide to lift myself out of the ghetto. $8 sugar. You didn't lift yourself out of the gut. You have $8 sugar. Don't look at me. You have $8 sugar. You didn't lift yourself out of the gutter. Your father is a police officer. $8 sugar. I'm providing for my family. You don't have a family.

I got people on the payroll. I got people I provide for. $8 sugar. Why are you talking like that? I live in a glass house. No, no, so's. Come to my house, so's, so's. I'll be the first one to tell you, oh, how much money it takes to

fucking fix a glass house in this economy. How much? $100. $100. Okay. Very good. That's great. That's very nice. Holden, your favorite sandwich from Publix. I'm never going to let this end, Marcus, because you hate it so much. I never get the sandwich because I always get

kicked out for yelling at the lady. What are you mad about? Oh, she's delicate with it. I've had a long ass day. People in front of me, oh, don't get me beginning on it. You want it aggressively shaved or how she's delicate with it? I just think that you should put the meat and the fruit in the on it. You want it aggressively shaved or how she's delicate with... I just think that you should put the meat and the fruit in the same aisle.

Worst customer, Holden McNeely. And they don't even have a complaint box. I need a complaint bathtub. I need a complaint swimming pool to fill the fucking thing with complaints about everything that people are doing and saying to me. I get confused easily when I go

to the store. And speaking of swimming pools, double pooper stories this week. There was period blood in her socks. Security camera footage is set to reveal the person who deliberately defecated in the Middle March swimming pool, forcing it

to close. We have a mystery pool pooper story here. Oh, wow. I love it. Is it close to Michigan? It's in New Zealand. So kind of close. Middle March.

He was just trying to get a jump on the other swimmers. He thought it was a turbo boost. Right. So this person was in the pool and he took a dump or she took a dump. Do we know the gender? Let's just assume it's a man. Let's assume. Middle March swimming club president president Stephanie McCauley

said the pool was closed for cleaning after three quote unquote feces incidents in one week. Whoa, whoa, whoa. But they didn't close it after the first one? They did not. Well, actually I think... Or the second one? Well, they cleaned it. This is the third time they've closed it and cleaned it. She said that the

final incident was a quote unquote deliberate attack and was disappointing. I'm disappointed, man. I'm disappointed in New Zealand. I expected better from them. That's why they shot Lord of the Rings. Yeah. They seem like a classy bunch of folk. Who cares?

Why do you got to just take the poop out of the pool, throw some chlorine in it, and call it a day? Why do you got to, you know, full on do it? Health codes. Really? Yeah, I think you're supposed to. What about a lake? You can go shit in a lake and go swim in a lake. Yeah, but there's a lot of things shitting in the lake.

Yeah, so what's the fucking problem? And the river flows. What? The lake's full. I mean, things flow. You can't shit in the pool all the time. Isn't that like a normal thing? No, not really.

No, you're not supposed to shit in the pool. You can pee in a pool. Yeah, you can pee in a pool and that's fine. But if you shit in a pool, law says that you have to drain it. Law says it. Law says you gotta drain it and then you gotta clean it and you gotta scrub it and then you

fill it back up. It's a disgusting collaboration of bodies and liquids. When we live under a social contract, we all will ignore what is happening inside the pool. All the fluids in there are mostly not water. You cannot have physical poo-poo. If you see the poo-poo,

the whole thing has to be shut down. We then have to all be like, no, there's poo-poo in it, but there's literally a man jizzing in that pool every day. Liquids are fine. Flakes are bad. Anything that flakes, done. People think the movie Jaws is scary, but poo-poo in a pool is much more terrifying.

There's always a guy with lower back psoriasis in the pool. You know what I mean? Like his whole skin is coming off. Yeah, and you can swallow skin all day long. But if you swallow a little bit of poop, you're getting diphtheria and you're going to be sick. Oregon Trails disease. Think about that. What do you think about the pools that put in the chlorine that activate a blue coloring when you take a urination? I think that's

shaming. That is shaming. I think kids should be shamed, though. Kids? Adults are doing that all day. I pee in the pool. You pee in the pool. How much, Marcus, is it possible to figure out how much of the water level in a municipal pool is actual urine? It's gotta be like

pints. More than that, each time you pee, it's like three pints. More than that. Each time you pee it's like three pints. And you've got 50 people in there. Each pee in three pints. I think you've got like 100 gallons. You're pissing three pints at a time? People are pissing three pints. The average urination stream is about a pint and a half. But you're

in a pool so you have a lot of when you're drunk because you're swimming. Ben is at the pool. Ben's drinking 40s. Absolutely because you're swimming. And is at the pool. Ben's drinking 40s. Absolutely, because you're swimming. And I don't swim sober. Absolutely. So if he's drinking 40s, he's pissing pints. I remember when I was a kid, went to football camp.

First day of football camp, someone shit in the pool, and we tortured him the whole week. Did you drain the pool? Yeah, they drained the pool. We couldn't go in the pool the whole week. So we decided to take it out, and we tortured him. They didn't fill it back up? No, no, they didn't fill it back up.

You guys should have just drank in some 40s and go filled it up yourself. Oh, my God. This is terrible. What happened? This is awful. Has Obama died? Kevin, when was the last time you were in a public pool? Last time I was...

Man. They suck. Actually, no, probably like six months ago. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. You like it? It was cool, man. That was in New Orleans. Oh, yeah. Was it like a hotel pool? Yeah, yeah, ago. Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. You like it? It was cool, man.

That was in New Orleans. Oh, yeah. Was it like a hotel pool? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been to a bunch of those. Yeah, hotel pools are fine. We're talking like public pools. Oh, public, public. I mean, that's, yeah.

People are filthy. Everything public is fucking disgusting. Yeah, but a hotel pool, I think, is a little bit cleaner than your normal municipal pool. But we have this idea that they're cleaner so people feel more liberal with their activities inside those pools. So people are fucking in there all the time. I don't mind semen in a pool. If you pay for something,

you're more likely to treat it well than if you get it for free. So people that are in hotels, they pay for it. That's why you should get more prostitutes. Good point, Holden. Well, this is the disturbing information. It's a very good...

Logically... Yeah, but then you don't pay. Is that the best idea Holden ever had? We esteem too lightly. Yes, you're very correct. But what I found out, the disturbing information, is that when you urinate in a

chlorinated pool, it creates a toxic chemical called cyanogen chloride, and that forms in chlorine from the pool reacts with the nitrogen in your urine, for urine is rich in nitrogen. It acts like tear gas, roughing up the eyes, nose, and lungs, and it's classified as an agent of chemical warfare. Cool! All it takes is peeing in a pool for chemical

warfare? I guess so! Well, I mean, in small doses. It's like, you know how potassium eat 400 bananas? We proved this. 400 bananas, you die. I think you were gone that week. I know I was! I remember that! Yeah, you would remember that, actually.

We did some calculations. But 400 bananas, I mean, yeah, you probably, you'd be filled with banana beans. Wouldn't you die from eating 400 of anything? Well, maybe not. M&M's. M&M's. Easily. No, you can eat 400 M&M's.

I can eat 400 chicken wings. 400 rice. Nerds. There was a little kid who died from drinking too much water a few years ago. You can drown anything. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. My mom has one of those signs up for Michaels in the house. The mother who overfed the dog until it died.

Problems with its portions. Yes. Your mom has too much of a good thing is wonderful. Your mom has really too much of a good thing. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. I remember we put, with the kid back when I was talking to the kid, we put cockroaches in his clothes. The poopy kid. Yeah, we caught cockroaches and we put it in his clothes.

But what's more disgusting, catching the cockroach or having them in your clothes? Having them in your clothes. You guys weren't handling them. He could just shake them out of his clothes. I could just go wash my hands, you know. Or wear gloves, you know. I didn't have gloves. So you, I mean, was he wearing the clothes?

Was he wearing the clothes? No, he put it in his dresser. Do you think that kid's a serial killer now? Oh, we made him, we did a lot more worse things to him. What was the worst thing you did to him, Eddie? Serial killer stuff, that comes from for taking a poop out of the pool. That comes from parents. That's not from other kids.

Yeah, this is my question. Do you have one of those like the song The Freshman where you put him out on a lake that was frozen with no clothes on and it accidentally broke and then you all

had to make a pact about how you'll never talk about how you murdered that kid that one summer? Oh wait, that's what that song was about? Sort of.

Huh, I think so. We're merely fresh. Great song. Every time he took a shower, he stole his clothes. Where'd you put them? Tuck them. And then what did he do, Ed? What? What did he do? He had to walk out naked. He was very embarrassed.

Where was he? I'm sure he was. And where did he have to go? He's at least got a higher prostitution to do weird sexual things to him now. How long? No one stuck up for him yeah where where in the pool yeah he ruined the pool for the whole summer whole vacation i understand even at this age right now i'm an adult i would do the shitting in the pool when you only have a week to use the pool is such an aggressive maneuver but i would assume he did it on accident oh yeah but we're

all adults still shit in the pool if you you gotta shit, get out of the goddamn pool. But they were young. They're not that young. Sometimes you think it's a fart. You never test it. You know when it's borderline. You get out. But then, on the other hand, you know, as we were talking about earlier, it really only takes a solid piece of feces

to shut down a pool. If it's liquid, it can get sucked out of the vents and it'll be fine. That's worse. If it's liquid? Yeah. It can. It's easier for it to go in your mouth if it's liquid, it can get sucked out of the vents. That's worse. If it's liquid? Yeah. It's easier for it to go in your mouth if it's liquid. All right. The overall consensus, we can all agree, don't go into public pools. Well, I mean, let's get back to this story here.

This actually wasn't necessarily a public pool. It was, quote-unquote, well-used. About 60 families owned a key to the facility. abused, about 60 families owned a key to the facility. So, yeah, well, casual users could hire a key to access the pool for a day. And really, this one, the first one on January 21st actually wasn't in the pool. It was just on the concrete area on the side of the pool. So he pooped next to the pool, not in the pool. I don't know if it's a man.

You know who it is? Who shut down the pool? Who's the name of the woman, right? Well, We don't know if it's a man. You know who it is? Who shut down the pool? Who's the name of the woman, right? Well, we don't know. I'm saying it's a woman. No, I'm saying the official that shut it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephanie McCauley of the Middlemarch Swimming Club. You think it's her?

I think she did it because she's sick of maintaining the pool. So she's sabotaging it. But doesn't that make her life more difficult if she's going to drain the pool and fill the pool up? It's a whole three days worth of work. No, what you have to do is you have to build the lie up by being like, oh, we better clean out the pool. How about this? I just feel like you're a lazy detective. I think it's the pool cleaners.

Drumming up business. Ah, great idea. Or it's the person you tortured in high school. All you have to do is rent the key for a day. It's your only overhead. You go in there, shit in the pool, which is fun. Right. And then you leave.

Then you get paid to clean it up. Well, why don't we just put a flusher on the pools? I mean, there are already toilets. They should just have a massive flusher. You can't have that. It can't be so easy to do it if there's people in there. Yeah, the kid gets sucked into the thing. I got you one best.

What if it's the pool itself? A shitting pool, a magical shitting pool, cursed by some sort of ancient demon from the pyramid days in Egypt. I know, I know. We have a very thorough pool pooper investigative society going on, but old man McGregor needs to leave his theories about the folklore-ridden, magical, self-shitting pool. The pool is laughing.

You can't hear it. You are distracting from the issue, old man McGregor. Tidy off, splash for me. Jumping up and down, diving. The pooping pool. Miss McCauley has her own theories as to how this went. So the first day, yes. I mean, that seems pretty deliberate.

The second day, though, she believes that defecation was accidental. She said, quote, it was only a little bit and could have come out of a nappy. What's a nappy? A little napkin. No, it's a diaper. Diapy. A nappy. Oh, yeah, that's right.

We're in New Zealand here, so they're calling it dumb things. Yeah, if someone brought a tiny napkin filled with shit into the pool with them, that's a copycat shitter. No, I was thinking it was more like the kid gets a shitty butt, and you wipe the kid's butt. What, you put it in your pocket? If you're putting it in your pocket, then it's going to stay in your pocket. It's if you're carrying it out with two hands, and it's sloshing around,

and you're trying to keep it. It's not a sweet dove. You'll never have a child. You'll never have a family. I might. He will have a child. He's got great seed. I miss those days, Marcus, when Mommy'd wipe me and then she'd say a kiss for all four cheeks.

A kiss for all four cheeks. I remember this. I haven't heard a holding mommy thing in a long time. Yeah, well, she's coming back. Yeah. Well, she got back from the war finally. She's been out in fucking Afghanistan. What was she doing?

Yeah, fuck. Oh, man. They were like, don't even give her a gun. She's too wild. Give her a machete. She's been going around only killing snakes. She had some theory about it's the snakes and not the men. Are there a lot of snakes in Afghanistan?

Oh, yeah. They hide deep under the rocks. What? They do. You don't even know what a snake is. So is she saying that the snakes, their spirit is infesting the Afghani people? Man, she's on so much ketamine right now, I can't even begin to tell you what she's saying,

what she's fucking blabbered about these days. So you guys have stopped your sexual relationship? Oh, when she gets sober, she can see a little boy again, is what we've been calling it lately. She can see a little boy again. Right now, I'll only let her smell it. All right.

Smell what? Specifically. My little boy. My bad Harry. That's his name when he gets mean. Does Lexi ever call your penis anything? No, not really. It's dead silence. That's for the best.

Yeah, she's not calling anything to anybody. It's very quiet. I don't even think it's her. She's scared of snakes. I think she's wetted up like a rubber tube. And she kind of like, you know,

kind of, she's like guides me because we play blind boy, right? Where I have to keep my eyes closed the whole time when we're being intimate. And then she leaves.

Yep. Yeah. She does that where she leads me around. Oh, help the blind boy, right? And then I get in there. But I don't even know. I'm going to open my eyes

I think next time. Yeah, I think you'll just be having sex with a blender full of guacamole. I'm not done with this pool defecation story yet. We're only in two out of three poopers. I thought diapers in New Zealand were called whistle truzzles. That's actually very good. They might be. That's only the edible diapers.

Those are banned here, by the way, of course, because why would you? The thing about it, no, you got to... I thought they're called Ritos. Ritos edible diapers. And you just go, and it's like a guy's being like, my baby is always giving back. He's like, yeah, sometimes it costs a lot of money to have a baby, but when your baby's making you lunch,

and he's visibly hammered and just folds it into his mouth. Very banned in the USA. Well, the second pooping, nappy, baby, diaper, possibly, probably. The third one, however, that happened a few days later. About a week later, on January 28th, a person defecated a quote-unquote large amount in the deep end of the pool. So that's an adult. That's an adult. That is deliberate.

What? Miss McCauley, the president of the Middle March Swim Club, said, I think the third one is deliberate because of where it was and purely by the amount. It's annoying. There is no need for it because i can see that guy too just being like fuck this pool fuck all these kids and then like putting his heels up on the edge of the pool you know and then get a pool noodle and hold it in his hands to keep the top of them going and then just going like yep gravity stuff and then just dropping the fucking depth charges down i mean it's really sort of the perfect place to defecate

surrounded by water, isn't it? It's like giving birth. It immediately cleans yourself. Yeah, it's like a live birth type thing in a bathtub. Have you all ever shat in water before? Of course, in a moving river. I was there for the time that you shat in a moving river. That's correct.

It was one of the more bonding moments I had with my ex. But did you throw your ass over the river and then shit into the river? I'll throw my ass over a whole series of things. Why did you have to put your shit in the river when you could have just shit on the ground? Because I'm not trying to grow a tree. I mean, I wanted it to go away. In Ben's defense, it was the best option available. Oh, absolutely. It was a fast-moving river. Did you just wade out waist-deep and just start shitting?

You just go where God tells you. No, I mean, I'm literally... Were you submerged or were you hovering over the river? No, submerged. Yeah, he was submerged. There was no... No, I'm telling you... From no angle could a human see the feces removing itself from Ben's butt.

At this point, we have no evidence that I actually shat. You and this... Except for your confession. Which came under duress and possibly coerced. Can you shit and stand? Yeah. I mean, you could. Absolutely.

But not in a moving river. No, the whole point is to submerge yourself in the water. Yeah. You can definitely shit and stand. I've never done it the whole point is to submerge yourself in the water. You could definitely shit and stand. I've never done it, so I don't know if it's true. It's not good. No, it's not normal. I think you're supposed to sit.

Squat. Oh, actually, that's right. That's the one thing. John Crapper, the man who made the crapper, he was wrong with the invention. We are not supposed to sit at the angle that we sit when we take dumps as civilized human beings. It technically pinches our colon. You need to get your knees raised up when you're shitting on the thing. We need to reinvent the whole toilet system.

We had to get stirrups for it. There we go. Very good idea. Now you get the squatty potty. As seen on TV. It's just a little stool you put in front of the toilet and then you use it to shit. We've talked about this. Squatty potty. It's seen on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a little stool you put in front of the toilet, and then you use it to shit. We've talked about this. Yeah, yeah, spotty potty.

It's old news. Yeah, I used to have a tub in front of my old toilet. I used to lace up on that thing, fucking let her ride. You buy a tub? Yeah, the tub. Speaking of mystery poopers, we never did solve the mystery pooper. Not satisfactory. I mean, there was a confession from Henry, but I think-

It was comical at best. it was comical at best. It was comical at best. Yeah, at best, yes. We never did solve it. It will never be solved. It will never be, but Ed did bring up the fact that he does poop next to bathtubs and enjoys it. We all know it. Wasn't there another shit in your tub

or no? No, there was just the one Well, it was definitely Kissel in a blackout. There was some new evidence presented. I was talking to Travis and Mike, and they said there was some new evidence that points to you. How? I mean, we all know after watching Making a Murderer,

you can't trust a confession. Right. That's a good point. And according to that, the Freedom of Information Act and those recent files that came out of it, and it's just pictures of you shitting in other people's tubs. Yeah, it's in Hillary's emails. Yeah. Benghazi.

I just say that word. Oh, Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi. Go to the bathroom. All right, let's have a political conversation. Benghazi. Benghazi.

Benghazi. Roto-Rooters. Benghazi. Bernie Bros. Benghazi. Man, Benghazi, huh? I love it when we get political. Benghazi. Benghazi's out there. Benghazi. Well, Benghazi, huh? I love it when we get political. Benghazi.

Benghazi's out there. Benghazi. Well, you know, if you want to talk about political. Love their second album. They're all sober, you know. Hardcore. Isn't that something? Well, just so you guys know, footage is going to be released very soon.

Of the doo-doos. Of the doo-doos, yes. Footage, security cameras were installed after the first pooping, and so they're being reviewed at the moment to see possibly if they recognize the person. The person responsible would be trespassed from the pool, but no further charges would be requested from the police. They're not looking to have a trial. They just want them out of there.

They should have a poolside trial and get all the neighborhoods together and make a jury and people come and decide. And then they drown the person who did it. So they're just going to have footage of whoever's smiling in the pool. That's who did it. Well, I mean, whoever. They said that it was a quote-unquote large amount. So he'll be smiling a very large smile.

Well, I'd imagine that he's in the pool. He shits. Shit floats, in case you guys didn't know. Does it? Oh, yeah. I thought that was hope. Feces does feces float. It depends on what you eat, though, right? Yeah, this is also a large amount of food. Increased gas in the stool allows it to float. Then why does it go to the bottom of the toilet?

No, my father... I just had an unbelievably troubling... All my dad used to talk about was sinkers and floaters. And he was like, you want a floater, not a sinker. My dad would go crazy with the sinker and floater talk. I think it was more like, you want a floater. No, my father was not an alcoholic. He was a truck driver.

They're never the same thing. No, they can't drive drunk. They definitely never. Truck drivers never under the influence. Well, he did not. Well, sometimes floating greasy stools that are foul smelling

That's a cancer symptom. Maybe due to severe malabsorption. Don't know that word. Especially if your malabsorption means your body is not properly absorbing nutrients. Well, you remember when you were taking those weird fat loss pills that just made you shit? That's right, Ally.

Yeah, that just made you shit the pure liquid fat. Oh, it was one of the better experiences I ever had. How much weight did you lose, though? Oh, I think I broke even. Yeah, because you were eating extra. Because I remember. Well, yeah, because it was so fun to eat fat. Yeah, yeah.

It's just going right through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just gave you yellow diarrhea. It wasn't yellow. It was, I mean, you can. Like globules. Yeah, you can harvest the stuff and deep fry potatoes in it. Butterscotch puddles.

Wait, so how do you know this? Did you witness them or did you just go from his testimony? He talked about it in depth. Years ago. This is four years, five years ago. I do remember you talking about this now. Because I remember him saying to me, like, it's amazing. It's just like oil at the top of the fucking toilet.

It's amazing. I'm actually going to get like $75 a bottle. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's expensive to lose weight. How long does the bottle last? Well, it depends how much you want to lose. But you would get hammered, eat a burrito, I remember this, and you'd take, you'd be like, better take a few extra. I had a burrito.

And you were like, take it like extra. Oh, it goes right through. No, yeah, you were treating your system horribly. Oh, no, my system loved it. It was constantly telling me how happy it was. You can't get back on diet pills. I'm back on the diet pills. I'm taking diet pills. Really? What? Yeah.

Like speedy diet pills? No. I'm going to start though. No? Okay, so what is it? Can I review them before you start and do a little bit of research for you? You can have as many as you want. No, I mean No, I mean you give me the brand name and I look at it for you and Serve as many as you want. No, I mean... No, I mean... Sounds better to me.

You give me the brand name, and I look at it for you, and serve as an... Let's just say it's off-brand. You're talking about cocaine. No, no, no. This is cocaine. You're talking about cocaine. No, it doesn't matter. What?

You answer questions like a senator sometimes. Yeah. The one who can never be elected. All right, and now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Go Thurs! That's right, it's the Super Bowl. I'm pretty sure they won. And also shout-outs to my ex-roommate, current roommate of Ben Kissel, Mike Epps.

He says he apologized he'd be here today if it weren't for the Panthers. I don't understand why he'd say that. He wasn't invited here So it's the Super Bowl for us. I guess the game will have already happened by the time you're hearing this Broncos lost spoiler alert by the time you're hearing this too It could be like the far future depending on you know when you do listen to this So I've got got fucking self-driving cars and shit like that, rock

and roll, bro. There could be three Super Bowls passed between now and then. It'd be fucking crazy. So I guess we should map it, right? 2016, Broncos versus the Thirds. I don't understand what the fuck you're talking about. What if we get self-driving cars? Alright. February 7th,

2016. Yes. Mark it on your calendar because it happened already. Remember when the robots weren't our overlords. This was the times. And in this current non-robot overlord having times, we need to come up with a commercial for the Super Bowl. We are selling bagged meat. They're trying to compete with jerky, but they're not jerky. It's kind of a wetter, thicker meat.

They sell that. Yeah. They already sell that. Yeah, but it's called bag of meat. It's lunch meat. But it's bag of meat. That's the name of the brand. It's Oscar Mayer meat.

It's like hot dogs. Yeah, wet, thick meat is deli cold cuts. You're talking about cold cuts. Yeah. We're a cold cuts company. I don't get the segment. Healthy choice. You have to come up with a Super Bowl commercial.

For cold cuts. The product is a bag of meat. Yeah, cold cuts company. I don't get the segment. Healthy choice. You have to come up with a Super Bowl commercial. For cold cuts. The product is a bag of meat. Yeah, cold cuts. Missing a bunch of different types of meat or just one meat? No, no, no. It's kind of a truck stop beef jerky thing. It's a bag full of, I feel like it's more liquidy than you're thinking. Clumps.

Yeah. Like Arby's meat before it solidifies? Yeah. Like wet meat. It's like meat that you can eat with one hand and squeeze it in your mouth. And thank you for giving me my tagline. Squeezy meats? Yes.

Squeezy meats. Meat in a tube. All right, now I know what we're talking about. Well, Marcus gave you the tagline. That's right. That's the commercial. Kevin? No, I'm just kidding.

So it's a bunch of ex-pro wrestlers, right? You know, you've got like all, you know, all of them. Who? What? Say one. Ricky the Razor. You don't even know. That's not a pro.

Sammy Slow Mo, the one who always wrestled in slow motion. Worst wrestler of all time. Jumpy Jones and the Jump Joe Boys, his little minion boys. They'd all be jumping around. They only jump. They don't do anything but jump. That Joe boys his little minion boys they'd all be jumping around they only jump they don't do anything but job right the mean the jumpy Joe and his Joe Joe boy minions so you got them all in the bag right you got them all in the bag right like right inside the bag yeah racist Ramone you've got who else Indian boy Willis.

You've got all the old bad, you know, all the bad ones. They all sound vaguely racist. Indian boy Willis, a beautiful man. Kenny Bananas, who rules, always comes out of the peel. You just got bananted. They're all in the bag, and they're like, you know, they're all like, oh, throw it on the ground and they slip. They're all in the bag and they're like, what happened? You know, they're all like, oh, I'm so glad I finally got clean. I finally kicked cocaine.

I finally kicked heroin. I finally kicked ecstasy pills. And it's like, you know, should we go to a convention? It's been a while. They're all retired. You know, they're just kind of having normal wrestler talk. But they're inside the bag meat. We maybe kind of know that, right?

They're in a bag. We just know they might be in a bag you see the opening comes up and a big hand comes down they go oh no and then he grew and then a hand pulls it out and they all get thrown into a giant mouth and he's true and it's like oh my bag of meat those Those are squeezy meat. Oh, yeah. And then it's like, also, we make squeezy meat. And there'll be a... Oh, this is a side product. Oh, I see.

Yeah, at the very end. Okay. So is it human meat? Just, yeah. They're sort of the bag of meat, you know, because they're all meat, you know. May contain meat. A list of animals. Man products.

Yeah. May contain man parts. May contain man. All right. Kevin, bag of meat? Squeezy meat? All right. Well, I guess, you know,

what we would do is, because you got to get to people's hearts with this shit, you know? Of course. So you show beautiful pictures, beautiful images and in slow-mo videos

of rabbits and baby cows, I forget what you call them, you know, little chickens and things. Yeah, the calves. All these things, you know, little chickens and things. Yeah, the calves, all these things, you know? And you set this all to just beautiful jazz music, and you say, now, would you rather this beautiful rabbit be in a can or in a bag?

Comfortable, soft, movable, pliable. He can see. He can see, pliable. He can see. He can see out the bag. You can see in the bag. Physical. Yeah, you call it Luger's Meatbags. Luger's Meatbags Meatbags. It's a comfy place for a resting space.

There it is. Good tagline. Pretty good. Great tagline, yeah. I shouldn't even go yes Ben you must go we must for this one yeah oh my god meet it's what's for dinner. What is Jack's Links? Jack's Links. Similar to that. Okay. Love it. I'll take it. Sriracha.

Sriracha and lime. Okay. Have you had the sriracha and lime Jack's Links? No. Oh, my God. What's the commercial? The commercial is just me eating it. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Like sitting on a chair in a, let's say in a white room, just like kind of one of those infinity rooms. Yeah, like at the end of 2001, A Space Odyssey. Right, right. And you're just sitting. The fetus is there. I would also say you're your own meat. Lay in a tanning bed.

Tanning bed is set to a certain temperature, but your head is cooled and your organs are cooled to a certain way, so only your skin gets warmed. You'll never sell this. And then you can just kind of peel yourself. The never-ending meat. Right. So that's an idea.

It is technically an idea. You said words. Yeah. You gave it. You didn't say no. And that's the most important. It really is. And I appreciate your efforts.

And I tried so hard. Is he going to win? Marcus? I mean, you know, at this point, I'm still winning. We have three more. No, Kevin's winning at this point. Yeah. But we still have three more people to go.

Okay. I think since we need to cater to this generation and they have very low tolerance for watching things for more than 15 seconds. Of course. I think it should be one of the internet kind of commercials where it's just very high def, inside the bag, seeing the meat sort of rolling around, glistening and kind of shiny,

and then just says, Squeezy meats. We're not entirely sure what's in it, but chances are if you fuck it, it'll feel pretty nice. I didn't know you could fuck the meat. I think it is fuckable. Fuckable meat's a whole other't know you could fuck the meat. I think it is. Fuckable meat's a whole other thing. You can always fuck meat.

You just didn't use your imagination, mister. Name a meat you can't fuck. Give him that cowbell. That's fine. I just didn't realize you could fuck the meat. Hey, Ben. Watch it. Whoa.

Box cutter. Box cutter tongs. Goddamn. It's so scary. I really like it. I'm really aggressive. I can't. No it. Of course, you can fucking watch it. Aggressive. Put that fucking knife.

I can't. No, I can't. You want aggressive? You want aggressive? I know you got weapons everywhere. Marcus has a weapon. Yeah, he's looking for weapons. Now the man who records this is looking for weapons.

And now Marcus is pulling out a knife on Ed. How many knives do you have around the studio, Marcus? I've got a few hidden here and there. I can get real aggressive with this if you want to watch it, everybody. Wow, now I'm threatened. You've got to start smoking again. I'm fine. Put the knife away.

I'm coming up on a gear, man. I'm coming up on a gear. Orange blade right next to Ed right now. The blade is not pointed towards him. Ed's not in any danger at all. He's waving it around. That's not long enough to get through my... That's a good point.

That's a very good point. You can't bring a knife that's longer than four fingers across into the 9-11 museum? Yeah, no, shorter than that. You're upset about that? How do you think the whole thing fucking started? How do you bring any knife into the 9-11 museum? It's just kind of crazy to me.

People would try to fucking go crazy. Good God. All right, Henry. But what about this weapon, Smith & Wesson, Homeland Security Special? That's very nice. Henry, you're crazy. What do you think is going to be commercial? Soy loco, ready to drop some beer arms on your fucking asses

So I've not heard anybody connect to the sexuality in commercials so far and she said you can fuck Literally said that is the sexuality It wasn't No Surgical the way you put it. I mean, visceral. That's the way I would put it. Very visceral.

How I would do is start with point of vision, first person visual. Right? Fly in a plane. You're a pilot on a plane. You see the brim of a cap. Right? Door opens. And so flight attendant would be like, we got a busy house out there today, Captain Smurlin. And he's just like, yeah, tell me about it.

We got to fly all the way to Baltimore. And I am just, my wife is on my neck. And I'm just tense. And she's just like, I know the best way to relax you. And he's just like, yeah, I think I know the best way to relax me too. And she's just like, let me get some of that meat. Right? And she rolls over and she fucking pops open the first thing and her fucking tits are huge popping on the top of her

dress, right? And she's just wiggling them in front of him and he's just like, nimmie, nimm, nimm. And he's just like, gonna get it on it. Right? And she's just like, yeah, I bet you will. You will fucking horny goat. Less sensual than when Natalie just said fuck me. And just said it's a Super Bowl

commercial exactly this happened last year this happened last year you got you can't it's gotta be FCC approved zips his pants open

because there's a problem right and you think she's gonna plod his fucking lustrous pilot's cock right cause all pilot cocks they're thick and short

and so she's about to pull it out right and as soon as he pulls it out it's just the squeezy meat tube. And she's like, oi, goy, goy, goy, goy, goy, I hope it's bologna. And it shoots it all over her tits.

Shoots like just the liquid meat all over her tits. Does it spell squeezy meat? Squeeze meats. That's a good idea. I'll squeeze your meats while you're squeezing your meat. Okay. Okay. Alright. Alright. I didn't know it was a Super Bowl commercial. I didn't know either. Jesus Super Bowl commercial I didn't know either Jesus

Good I didn't know that Good Word God Alright I didn't know either I kind of forgot

But what I do is I always strive for excellence You do very well Yeah he does He always does Ed Larson You are not me You're not Kevin

You're not Ben You're not Natalie You're not Henry You're certainly not Marcus No You're Ed Larson Well who not Ben. You're not Natalie. You're not Henry. You're certainly not Marcus. No. You're Ed Larson. Well, who's going to be eating squeezy meats? You've got to think about who's eating it.

Big fat assholes. No, children. It's for lunchboxes. Kids on the go. They've got to get the protein while they're at school. So if you're catering to kids, what you're going to do is you're going to get a bunch of kids, multiracial. No sex in it. What? No sex, sexual

intercourse. No, no, no, just children playing basketball. Multiracial, everyone's doing hook shots or having fun. That makes sense, right? For a Super Bowl commercial that means a lot of things. Well, you know, you play basketball while you're a little thirsty, then we're going to have mom come on and she's going to be, hey kids it's time for refreshments and she's going to open a cooler

and there's going to be a bunch of fucking squeezy meats and the kids are just going to be squirting and sucking on it and fucking loving it. And she's going to open a cooler. It's going to be a bunch of fucking squeezy meats. And the kids are just going to be squirting and sucking on it and fucking loving it. And then it's going to be for pedophiles, too. But everyone's just taking the squeezy meats. Because pedophiles are also the number two customer of squeezy meats. I mean, you're playing everybody in your audience. Am I the president of squeezy meats? I didn't.

Why is squeezy meats the main thing? You're Jack Lombard, the president of squeezy Meats? I didn't. Why is Squeezy Meats the main thing? You're Jack Lombard, the president of Squeezy Meats. Jack Lombard. You're Marcus Parks, president of Squeezy Meats. Nope. He changed his name to Jack Lombard after an unfortunate incident with his old product, Cheesy Squeezy. 9-17. I remember that.

Yeah. It was a bad week for all of us. Quench your hunger and thirst with some Squeezy Meats. So it's liquid and meat. Yeah, it's salty, but it's the good kind of us. Quench your hunger and thirst with some squeezy meats. So it's liquid and meat. That's it. It's salty, but it's the good kind of salt. I mean, what you're talking about here, this is... If you eat it with your ass, it hits you faster. Well, that's what people

do with vodka. I like the hunger and the thirst. Should we say, uh, hursty? Or thungry? Are you hursty for some meat? Are you hursty for some meat? I like thungry a lot, though. Thungry. Are you thungry for some liquid meat? Yeah, that's got more of a...

Yeah, it's got more of that fucking stomach. That umami. Umami. I love those burgers. I mean, it's a good commercial, Ed. It's very much a good commercial. I'm trying to push product. I know you're trying to push product.

That's why your commercial is better for, like, say, 4 o'clock p.m. on the Disney Channel. Well, re-air it. You know, you're spending $3 million on a commercial. It's going to fucking show what? Well, I know, but you play it again and again on the Disney Channel. Disney Channel don't even have commercials. They totally have. Disney Channel, of course, has commercials. No, they don't. Yeah, again on the Disney Channel. You don't need... Disney Channel don't even have commercials. They totally have... Disney Channel, of course, has commercials.

No, they don't. Yeah, they do. It's a paid channel. Yeah, but they have... They have commercials. Yeah, every paid... They used to not have commercials. That was in, like, 1992, though.

I haven't watched since. Yeah, yeah. Well, you need to watch Disney Channel sometime. I need to mousercise. Don't tell you that much. But that... But, you know... But we don't want to spend all our money on a Super Bowl ad.

Mr. Lombar, we are not here to make Ed feel bad, all right? He already feels bad enough. I know that. But I want him to know why he failed. He's a disgrace. He's an idiot. Everyone knows it. Everyone hates it.

I'll take my fucking commercial elsewhere. My Super Bowl ad has Melanie Griffin in it. What? Melanie Griffin. Melanie Griffin? Yeah, Melanie Griffin is in my Super Bowl ad has Melanie Griffin in it. What? Melanie Griffin? Melanie Griffin? Yeah, Melanie Griffin is in my Super Bowl commercial. She's placed a hammered mom. Hi, everybody.

I'm TV's Melody Griffin. And I have been a TV whore for 90 years. And I have to do squeezy meats to make me thungry for some squeezy meats. My commercial will have Cigarettes Lindsay in it. That's not a person. That's it. She smokes and she smokes. I hate Cigarettes Lindsay and you'll never find me without my new points or my

squeezy meats. Well, she's 17 years old. She was birthed out of Judy Garland four years after she died. Oh, well, you never know what's in there. You know, sometimes I find an old lady with a petrified fetus Still inside of her From years afterwards

Oh yeah what do they do What happens Yeah they find her After she's dead Is that the beef jerky You're selling Yeah it's like a lump It's like sometimes

If someone has a permanent Sort of bulge in their stomach It's cause they got A dead fucking baby In there God damn it I'm fucking thungry I know you're

I know you're thungry I'm gonna give you I'm actually giving you A campaign I'm giving you My afternoon campaign I'm giving you I'm giving you my afternoon campaign. I'm giving you that one. After Darkwing Duck, you're going to see my shit.

Absolutely. I'll tell you what, I'll give you this one. When you're hungry, but you don't want to chew. Yeah. However, I am going to say for our Super Bowl ad, for the prestige ad, we're not going to go for funny. I'm sorry. We're not going to go for funny. I'm sorry. I got Melody Griffin. We're not going to go for funny.

What we're going to go for, we're going to go cinematic. We're going with Kevin. He always wins it. People like jazz. I said jazz. Nobody's going to jerk off to his commercial. No, but zoophiles are totally going to jerk off to his commercial. And it's going to be talked about because it's weird.

And he's going to suffocate a bunny inside a plastic bag, as far as I understand it. Yeah. Okay. Because, you know, the bunny tends to liquefy after a little bit of leaving in the bag. Yeah, yeah. Simple science. Yeah. That's true.

All right, so that's been this episode of Roundtable. What number are we on here? 300 or something? 276. Isn't that kind of a fun one? We've done this 276 times. Well, we've done it. We've done it.

You are kind of in and out. I've done it like 50 times. I've done it 274 times. I've missed twice. How many times have I been on the show, Marcus? 47. Put it into parameters. I'll put it in research.

I will talk to Melody Griffin. Put it into parameters. I'll put it in research. I will talk to Melody Griffin. She will be here tomorrow with all of her hackers. What happened to you? Control F. I had a hefty tequila drink myself. Do you want one? Get it.

Watch it, mister. Whoa. All right. We got to end the round table. So, Natalie, you have a project that is currently online, right? Oh, mister. Whoa! All right, we've got to end the round table. So, Natalie, you have a project that is currently online, right? Oh, yeah. If you want to watch a short I just made with a woman killing a man while she's wearing lingerie. Yes, I do, yes.

How do I find it? It's called Behind Closed Doors on Vimeo. If you jerk off to my girlfriend, you've got to pay me 25 cents on Venmo. 25 cents? That's all you're giving her? It's just because I imagine it's going to be a lot of people. A lot of money.

Behind Closed Doors, also the name of a Charlie Rich album. Go check that out on Spotify. And that's what Marcus does. Okay, so Behind Closed Doors. Check that out on Vimeo. Henry? Check out my Netflix comedy special on March 11th featuring a lot of the fucking people on the roundtable, including Natalie Jean, but not Kevin.

You were busy doing television. Well, you were doing your own TV show. Yeah, yeah. Which is dead. Canceled. Is it? Everyone got too busy. Yeah, yeah, we're out.

I mean, I wasn't busy. I was just kind of hanging out. No, you were not. You're scary on film, though. Right. Eddie, you had a small role in Henry's project as well. He co-wrote it with me. I helped fucking write it. I wrote myself a couple parts. Very good. Me too. Oh, you had a small role in Henry's project as well. He co-wrote it with me. I helped fucking write it.

I wrote myself a couple parts. Very good. I wrote it too. Oh, yeah. Always shoehorning my fucking dirty ass in there. Yeah. And you were in it as a- I have a small role in there.

I play Aaliyah's- May I discuss it? No. We cut his line, right? I think we may have cut the line, but you're in there. You cut the line? We may have. Well that's fine. I have no problem with it. I really don't care.

I think we cut it. I hope you did. I forget the last version. It was super funny. We had to cut the whole thing down. For time. Cut for time. The Bank Gizzle story. Eddie Larson. Find us all on Twitter. Twitch.tv forward slash Holdenators Ho.

Every Monday night, Lexi Loves Game Night. Murderfish Show, February 13th, this Saturday, 930 at the Pit. That's right. I don't know. What else is going on? I don't know. I'm on Red Eye tomorrow. Well, at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Is this out tomorrow? Yeah. I'm on with Catherine Tiff and Kennedy. It's going to be a fun show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Kennedy, Speaking of music Go follow me on Spotify Is Kennedy married?

She is, she has three children Two is she married to? A very wealthy man Yes, Kennedy's a wonderful person She should say, oh hey I'm Kennedy, no spinity That's a good thing, I'll tell her that tomorrow Kevin, hire Holden He can't anymore.

Kevin has no power. I know he does. I got four to six more of those. Four to six. More of those. I can't believe my line was cut. So the line was cut, huh? The whole section was shortened. The whole thing. You're in it. You're still in it. But it's like chest high, so your head's

not in it. My head's not in it. They couldn't frame you into the screen. The whole thing has literally just been, like, Aaliyah's now line is very small. Why are we doing this? It's so weird that it, uh... Yeah, this is a weird technique. I've never seen anyone who's taller than an airplane. No, I think it's wonderful.

All of us are doing great. Thanks for listening. That's my new out. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening thanks for listening thanks for listening goodbye for more shows

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