The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 277: Tic Tacs and Pez

Episode Date: February 27, 2016

The gang is joined by Mister Pastrami to discuss Walmart, favorite buffets, and the country's masturbation laws.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Civility. gentlemen. Always civility. I like the fattest. I don't like the fattest. That's true. Are we recording, Mr. Potts? We are recording, Mr. Kissel.

What's a themed weapon? A themed weapon? It has to do with them as a president. For example, Teddy Roosevelt might carry a big stick. There we go. I don't understand that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Abe Lincoln walks around with a cherry tree. Simpsons cartoon video game style. Or an X. This is good. We're getting the segment out on the top of that show. That was George Washington. That was Washington.

Should we do the segment on the top of the show? That was going to be mine. I learned about the presidents. In school, Jackie. I never learned about the presidents. In school, Jackie. I never learned about the presidents. That's because you're a bitch. It's a problem. It is a problem.

I was like, you fuck you, teacher. You go fuck. It's flawed. Holden, I think that you're praying today. Oh, no. I'm pretty sure. Or Marcus. I think it's Marcus.

I would rather not. He has to, though. I think it's Marcus. Eddie, you hold it. I prayed last time. So it is Marcus. Okay. Well. He has to, though. I think it's... Eddie, you hold it. I prayed last time. So it is Marcus. Okay. Well...

Why can't you pray today? You can pray today. You want to pray for an orange Tic Tac? Because I have one right here. Pray to white Christ. Good. Please bless these Tic Tacs that have come upon our bounty. Hold him.

Why don't you pray? That would be better. Man. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. We'll let Marcus get away with it. Everyone likes the prayer. Some people like the prayer, some people don't. That's why we do it.

Write us, let us know if you like the prayer. That's right. Some people don't like the segment. Some people say, stop doing the segment. Why would you keep doing the segment? It's idiotic, it's foolish. Everyone's got a bunch of opinions. Usually, 85% bad.

Speaking of opinions, there's a round table full of people that also have opinions. Jackie, you're here. I'm here. I never learned about the presidents. And I know nothing about the United States government. You have to know something about a president. I don't know. Barack Obama's here.

He's not here. I've never eaten orange Tic Tacs before. They're not bad. I think I liked them a lot. I love them. I love orange Tic Tacs. I haven't really seen Tic Tacs in a long time. I didn't know people were still doing it.

See, I'm more of a experiment Tic Tac person. They're a gateway to pills. They are. Yeah, but you can't just swallow them like a pill. Start with Tic Tacs, you're on the Xanax. No, I've got my stress pills them like a pill. Start with Tic Tacs, you're on Xanax, Oxycontin snacks. No, I've got my stress pills. Everything's fine.

Okay, good. You were here. I've been talking about my stress pills a lot. Yeah, it's like an ongoing plot line that we've already established. But it's not as great as these orange Tic Tacs. They're just candy. They're not even mints at that point. No, they're kind of mints.

Because I used to get them. I used to get them. And I remember they don't help your breath. I used to get them, and I remember they don't help your breath. They don't make your breath smell better, is all I'm saying. My name's Ed Larson. How you doing? I'm a happy orange Tic Tac man. Half a dolphin's color. That's why

I like them, you fuckers. That's very good. And also, it's old McNeely. Corner time. PlayStation Networks We got a half three today Steve Stavinsky A.K.A. Shane

Says to David The guy who called him A pickle puffer last week That he isn't one He's a cool guy And Henry Zebrowski Hates David And Shane also wants to

Touch Jackie's butthole It's gonna be inappropriate In a lot of ways Yeah well at least You're letting people sexually harass Jackie. I'm sexually harassed and now I'm upset.

This is fucking Gamergate shit, dude. Bildozer88 says, this is going to be an insult, Ben. Are you okay with this? I don't care. Ben looks like

how a foot smells. That's not that bad. No, not today though because he has really nice stubble. I actually look worse today than I usually do. I like you.

I like you like this. I think you look handsome. Thank you, Jack. I also like your hair like this. this. I think you look handsome. Thank you, Jack. I also like your hair like this. Okay. All disheveled. Did your brain just explode? When I said handsome,

you just went... I did have a small meltdown, yeah. You know what's kind of funny? Everybody's complimenting you and you're not wearing the jacket. Hey, man. Oh, that's what it is and you don't have

that Heather cardigan. Old Ben. We like old Ben. Well, it's 55 degrees today. Farboy 100 says sorry to his father. That's very good. That's it for PlayStation Network. You can catch me on Twitch.

God damn it. How's that been going, Holden? Your Twitch is ruining my life. It's going pretty fun, you know? There's like, you know, we hang out once a week and watch Lexi play Fall Fantasy 7. That's very nice. But I want to have you on soon, Ben, to finish out Until Dawn. I can't wait to kill that bird again.

I will. I hate that bird. The problem with Tic Tacs is you can eat a whole box. Yep. It's just sugar. It's just orange flavored delicious. You've got to get these away from me. I'm not supposed to be eating sugar.

You know what's actually bad for the medium? We talk on this. I know, but I like the way you sound. I kind of sound like a little dick is inside of my mouth. You want some of that Pez that we talked about last night? I don't like Pez and know that. I love Pez. You got a Pez?

I bought two pounds of Pez the other day. Two pounds of Pez? He doesn't use the delivery system. He doesn't use the cool thing that you're supposed to have the Pez. Oh, you just reach out your hand and do a mask. It's only two pounds of Peds is $10. We do spend $10 on Peds. I don't spend a lot of money on stuff.

I wanted Peds. I wanted to get it online. It's like $3 for like 10 of them if you buy it in the store. I went online to Amazon. It's $10 for two pounds bulk. So I got it, and I'm enjoying it. Amazon Prime is the devil. Yeah.

I didn't realize Pez was so cheap, because I thought every time when I was getting it, if I had Pez, I felt so fancy. No. That's not name brand. That's not name brand Pez. Slez. Come on. Try Slez.

The delivery system Is my tongue Yes What dispenser are you using? He's not using The dispenser That's why he doesn't Even know how to pez Dispenser

I mean I've got some No he just Eats them like they're Normal He's gonna break I mean I I have a couple of dispensers Woody Woodpecker

No I got like a Yoda one And a You have a bunch of Star Wars ones Well my mom got me Some Pez dispensers For Christmas, so that's why I got the Pez. Oh, right. Because I didn't have any D2 or whatever the hell that one is.

I got a C3PO and a Yoda, and I got a Darth Vader on here somewhere, too. I like Pez fine, but what you did, I can't condone, man. It's all right. I understand. I like the artificial grape ones. Yeah. There you go. Oh!

Now she's got more candy. Give me one. Very nice. That'll be perfect for the show. Good job, Marcus. I'm going to be sucking on candy in the car. Perfect. So Kevin Barnett's here, too.

That's nice. Yep. Kevin, you're doing well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. Very good. What'd you get Jackie for Valentine's Day? I didn't get that bitch.

Nothing, man. Wow. But she's got the same name as me. Yeah. Is that why? Is that? I think so Very good What'd you get Jackie For Valentine's Day I didn't get that bitch Nothing man Wow But she's got the same name as me Yeah Is that why Is that You should ask her to change her name No

Absolutely not Because she'd beat the shit out of you Probably Kevin I cleaned up I got Yoshi's Woolly World And Street Fighter 5 You're supposed to say What you gave her girlfriend

Not what she gave her Seven year old uncle I threw some tea at her ass Nephew I got a bunch of fucking green tea And I threw some tea at her ass. Nephew. I got a bunch of fucking green tea and I just threw it at her ass. Then she was like, here's your video games. I was like, see you later. We put up the divider.

Right. And there you go. Good God. She got you. Anyway, you're not supposed to shop at Toys R Us for your 34-year-old boyfriend, but life is different for everyone. We're adding those years on, huh? 36-year-old boyfriend.

Yes, ma'am. 33. Very good. Mr. Pastrami is back with us.old boyfriend. Yes, ma'am. 33. Very good. Mr. Pastrami is back with us. Thanks for being here, Mr. Pastrami. Nice to be here. Thank you guys for having me.

Absolutely. He's the giver of the orange Tic Tacs. That's right. Now I'm sucking on Pez, though. Would you like one? They are disgusting. These are disgusting.

Yeah, Pez were a candy. They were Depression-era candies. They are my favorite candy. By far. These were made in China, Marcus. Yeah, Pez were a candy. They were Depression-era candies. They are my favorite candy. By far. These were made in China, Marcus. They say Fez on them. The only reason they're not candy is because they aren't bitter. That was all it had to be back in the day, was something that wasn't bitter.

It didn't have to be sweet. It just couldn't taste bad. I hate this. It tastes bad, though. I like Smarties, though. We used to snort them. Marcus, you got any Smarties? Nah, I got no Smarties. I would rather Smarties, though. I like Smarties, though. We used to snort them. Mark, you got any Smarties?

Nah, I got no Smarties. I would rather Smarties. I've got, this is all, this is my candy for the year. Maybe next week we can get Jackie some Smarties. Maybe we can. Eddie, you ever snort a Smartie? Of course. You had to, right? I snorted an Altoid once for five bucks.

How'd it go? I got that five dollars. I did a little bit of salt for five. Oh, yeah? I also got the five bucks. Everybody snorted Altoids. Yeah, you have to. Not Altoids. It's a rite of passage for five. Oh, yeah? I also got the five bucks. Everybody snorted Altoids. Yeah, you have to. Not Altoids.

It's a rite of passage. Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. It was great because in my head I was like, this must be what Coke feels like. And is it? No, it's much better. No, Coke is much better. Oh, I thought the Altoid would be.

It's your nose fresh breath. I can get five pounds of Smarties for ten bucks. You know what? Let's just not even think about it. I say just get off the Pez thing for a second. I'm Ben Kissel, and Marcus, we got a news story that doesn't involve Pez or Jackie's love of Tic Tacs. Plenty. A man faces charges after he urinated in a Walmart store while trying to put a package of trout in his trousers.

Clarksville police were called to the store at 1.33 p.m. on Wednesday. Oh, wait. That's a little bit early to have to be smuggling trout, isn't it? Well, he's just trying to help it swim. I see. Oh, with the urine.

Yes. It was definitely going downstream, I guess. A worker told an officer that the suspect, David Wiley of Clarksville, was seen urinating on the sales floor

near the alcohol while trying to put a package of trout in his pants, and he then attempted to leave the store without paying. This is a picture.

If you'll look up at the big screen. What do we think? Should we take odds? What race do we got here? This seems like a white man activity. If it's smoked trout, then he's a Jew. Oh, okay. All right.

I'm going to go Presbyterian. Yeah, no. Curveball on the smoked trout. I was thinking to myself, what is a package of trout? As a Jewish fellow, do you agree with Jackie? Could be white fish. Maybe it could be trout. Sounds like Hanukkah.

But it's not kosher to put fish in your pants. Oh, is that a rule? I believe so. Yeah, they got that in your Bible? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's usually served on plates. Oh, I see. David Wiley.

David Wiley. I'm still going Caucasian Presbyterian. You're still going Caucasian Presbyterian? I'm thinking this man might be mixed. I had no idea. Wow. He's of advanced years, too. He is.

He's black. It's hard to understand, man. He's a black man. Why is it hard to understand? The guy wanted some fish. I was stereotyping. I can't believe it. Is it fresh?

Fresh trout? Yeah, man urinates as he puts trout in a Walmart. That's a white headline. Was he flavoring the trout? What do you think he was dealing with? He had been consuming alcohol, he said. Oh, okay. Yeah, but trout's not something I would steal if I was all hammered.

I think it had to have been fresh. The value of the items he was attempting to take. $130 worth of fresh trout. That's when it jacked up the prices on that. Oh, some big pants. I guess so. Not that big, I don't think. That's why I had to make room and pee all over the place, man.

Wow. Yep, yep. He urinated on the floor, mostly on himself, but he was putting the trout in his pants while he was pissing. A little bit got on the floor. He should have just waited. They said that was $10 in damages as far as the pee-pee goes. Well, what's the $10 in damages? You're going to burn through the floor?

The vandalism was estimated at $10. The janitor gets paid by Walmart to clean up certain incidents like this. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What happened to $124 in Shroud? They put that back on the shelf? They can't be charging the guy for having a janitor clean up after he takes a pee-pee in Walmart. That's what a janitor

gets paid for by Walmart to do. Yeah, the janitor's just there. He's working. He's getting double-taxed. Sometimes when I worked at Toys R Us, kids pee-pee, you gotta go, you get the mop, you clean it up. Yeah, and sometimes I go there and I pee-pee just to make sure they're doing their fucking job. God damn right. How did this even make the news?

Yeah, this is in Clarksville, Tennessee. Not a lot going on in Clarksville, I imagine. Yeah, but they have those kind of packages of trout just willy-nilly, $130 worth. It doesn't sound like it was a package. I think he took loose trout from the ice bin and started stuffing them in. I don't know if you understood. In a Walmart? Oh, Walmart has everything. What are you fucking talking about? Don't give me a story. Walmart stuffing them in. I don't know if you understood. In a Walmart? What ice bin? Oh, Walmart has everything.

What are you fucking talking about? Don't give me a story. Walmart has pears and... I know they do, but what ice bin of big, fresh fish do they have in Tennessee? They have it all. All kinds of shit, especially trout. It's freshwater fish. Wouldn't the scales, like, slice up your legs, though? There's a bunch of problems with the idea. No, scales are silky

smooth. It's gotta be smoked trout. The guy might have been Jewish. Yeah, we never know. The black Israelites. You ever seen those guys? They're crazy. I lived with a black Israelite. Jesus.

How do I know? Don't go to Markism. No, the black Israelites. If I'm not wrong, those are the ones on 7th Avenue between 33rd and 34th Street, right? They're always shouting. They're all around.

They're always shouting. Very aggressive. Yeah, they're Buffalo soldiers. Yeah, exactly. They always got the big Jewish stars on them, and they're the real sons of God. Yeah, a very, very confused group of people. Well, it's interesting because Jewish individuals,

many people in power in Israel, have tried to disparage them. They don't want them. They don't want them. What do they do, Marcus? Twelve Tribes of Israel? No, they... Sterilize them? Sterilize them. Yeah don't want them. They don't want them. What do they do, Marcus? Twelve Tribes of Israel? No, they sterilize them. Sterilize them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you do that? I guess they tricked them into saying they were going to get shots for vaccines or whatnot, and in reality it was sterilization, which is true. How do you do that? You just trick them. With a needle, you could just... Yeah, you sterilize. I don't even understand how that works. I don't understand most things, and I don't understand how that works either, but I read that.

I don't know how you do it. That means some sort of injection. Maybe they have them go to a Walmart while they're drunk and tell them to steal trout. Maybe that makes the man sterile. I can't find anything. I can't find any trout prices at local Walmarts. It's got to be cheap. They got to have it.

I mean, that's a lot of trout. All I can find is a Walmart page that tells me how to recognize quality trout. That's great. Make sure its eyes aren't cloudy. You know what? I would eradicate the majority of delis and restaurants in New York City or supermarkets if we just got a Walmart. I'm a huge Walmart fan.

They're not allowed in New York City. Fuck them. I hate Walmart. You don't like- Have you ever walked around a Walmart? I don a huge Walmart fan. They're not allowed in New York City. Fuck them. I hate Walmart. You don't like, have you ever walked around a Walmart? I don't trust any place that sells lobster and jeans. Oh my God,

lobsters, jeans, everything you want. But then you put it on the jeans and you go, oh look, it's all lobster feet. You ever do that? I love lobster feet.

The kids are entertained. Kissel, I'm with you a thousand percent. I've never said that before in my life. Thank you. But I really, I, you know, there are times I'm on aissel, I'm with you a thousand percent. I've never said that before in my life. Thank you. But I really, I, you know, there are times I'm on a road trip. I'm so excited because I'll just stop at a Walmart just to look around. That's what it used to be.

Like in high school, you had nothing to do. It was night. You just go to Walmart. Open all night. Yeah. You can get a machete at Walmart. We bought a gun at 4 a.m. That's a true story.

What are you upset about then? Why don't you like Walmart? I mean, I feel like that shouldn't be allowed. I think it's right. So if you're allowed to get away with it, Eddie, you're like, this needs to be illegal. I can't believe what the country's letting me do. Man, you should have seen the guy I bought it with.

Yeah, he was even more intoxicated? I mean, just really scary looking. Huh. Covered in tattoos. What kind of gun? I mean, you bought I mean you bought this gun legally yeah what kind of gun was it it was a rifle 22 rifle oh my god did it were you angry when you went in right so if you're selling if you're selling it got at four o'clock in the morning people who are drawing on America like if you're a clerk, like, who do you, I don't think I'm selling it to the laughing people. We were walking in, we're like,

oh, well, look at the guns, you know, that's kind of cool. And someone walked up and was like, oh, you're interested in buying? And we're like, what? Sure. Next thing you know, we're walking out with a rifle at 4 a.m., hammered, 19 years old.

Did they give you bullets? You were 19 when you did this? Yeah, 19. Yeah, did you get bullets? Yeah, bullets, everything. We were fucking ready to go., 19. Yeah, did you get bullets? Yeah, bullets. Everything. We were fucking ready to go. What'd you do with the gun? Pre-9-11. I wonder if things have changed. We stole a Christmas tree.

We stole Christmas lawn ornaments and we brought them to the shooting range and shot them a bunch. Man, that sounds like a fun night. I got a shooting range open at 4 in the morning. Doesn't close. Wow. It's just outdoors, unprotected. So you went to a field.

It's basically a field, but it has an area set up. A bar or something. Yeah, it has a place where you can booths, and then at the end of the field is a big hill, and you can put your targets in between. Probably the safest place in America. I don't think anything ever happened out there. Nothing happens at a shooting range. Tallahassee was great. I'll tell you what, that was the one place in America. I don't think anything ever happened out there. Nothing happens at a shooting range.

Tallahassee was great. I'll tell you what, that was the one place in Tallahassee where there was zero racism. Why? Because everyone had a gun? Yeah, and everyone was just hanging out. You were trying, like, all the gangsters were there and all the fucking hillbillies were there. And all the cops were there and everyone's just sharing guns, having a nice time. It was really weird.

It does sound like, ironically enough, the most harmonious place in the entire world is a gun range in Florida. Maybe specifically Tallahassee. Everyone was just having a real nice time. I never heard of one hateful thing. Well, God, yeah, but what the hell are you going to say? Everyone's loaded, both with

a loaded gun and a loaded brain. No one was ready yet, man. You're training in Florida racism. Recruiting people to your sides and whatnot. So you bought the gun and the bullets, but you stole the Christmas ornaments? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Well, you know, you got to make kids cry.

Yeah, it's more fun that way. Isn't that nice? That's brilliant. We used to switch them, too. That was always fun. It's just so bizarre to me that this person who stole- The ornaments with the guns? The guy who stole the-

Throwing a Santa Claus at an AK-47? It's a box full of bullets. It's a good Christmas for some kids someplace. It's not a has-to. Everyone gets bullets for Christmas. That's nice. It's a beautiful, beautiful place. True, and on election day.

We all get bullets. So, it's legal to go in at 4 o'clock in the morning, piss drunk, under the age of 21, and buy a gun in Walmart, but you can't stuff a trout in your pants. Absolutely not. I got another Clarksville, Tennessee story for you. Wow.

This one involving the Golden Corral. Ooh. Man, you know what? It's hard for me to say, but I can't do a Golden Corral. What do you mean it's hard for you to say? It's disgusting food. I say, but I can't do a Golden Corral. What do you mean it's hard for you to say? It's disgusting food. I know, but I love a buffet.

Right? Any kind of buffet. I mean, I miss, what is it? No, not Schnippers. No, what is it? Sizzlers. Sizzlers. I miss Sizzler, but I can't go to Golden Corral.

Golden Corral is better than Sizzler. That is not true. Isn't the rule for a buffet that the food has to be just like two degrees warmer than if it was, so it doesn't get E. coli, but very, very slippery. It's very close. Yeah, very slippery. I mean, the best is Luby's. Luby's?

Luby's? Luby's? Yeah, Luby's. You guys don't have Luby's? You will be putting up a buffet. If you don't fall down, you get half off your meal. If you can keep it on your plate, then you get to eat more. A game show.

A lot of lawsuits running. Lubies. No, Lubies, you know? No. Yeah. I know Shoney's. No, Lubies. It's a big buffet.

There was a Lubies. And a Ponderosa. A Lubies in Texas was the site of the largest mass shooting in American history for a few years there. Lubies. Oh. That's right. I remember that.

That's because everybody had guns and they kept on falling down. I have to go to a buffet soon. I've been out there a long time. What about the Brown Derby? What? The Brown Derby? That sounds like trying anal sex for the first time. I'm riding around the old roundabout.

Oh, she's going fast. Oh, she's going slow. I don't know if your boyfriend likes the play-by-play. Jackie's calling the anal. They're called a great anal session. Anytime you guys are going in, you get Jackie to call that. He always wins. I'm sure he does.

Oh, my goodness. Well, this Golden Corral story here. Police arrested a man at Golden Corral for impersonating a police officer. Suspect Ronald Taylor entered the Golden Corral on Wilma Rudolph Boulevard, and while ordering food, he produced a concealed handgun and badge and said to the clerk that the drink is usually free. So he stole the drink, a $1.50 drink, a three cent drink? Because they offer it to cops.

No, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a CPD detective who was in front of Taylor in the line asked him if he was a police officer. Taylor said that he was

a police officer, but he was actually with the Department of Homeland Security and was just in town on quote unquote some business. So if you impersonate a cop,

theoretically you could do a whole series of things. You could take drugs away from a drug dealer, guns away from people. He just wanted a free soda? Yeah, look at this guy. Oh my God,

this guy is pathetic. Ronald Taylor. I'm surprised this is what the guy got in trouble for. That guy's done so much other wrong stuff. Technically I'm allowed

to enter your vagina just because I have a badge. He's actually an insurance agent from Kentucky. So he is an agent to some degree. To some degree, yeah. And he was from out of town. Yeah, and he does have a concealed permit. So he just had the fake badge.

Yeah. Well, he does have a badge from the state of Kentucky, but it's not a Homeland Security badge. So he has the gun. He was from out of town. He does have a badge. But he is not, in fact, a peace officer. It's just the thrill of getting

the free soda? What is the badge? It doesn't say what the badge is. But it just says he has a badge from Kentucky. I bet every time he gets a free soda though, he just calms and calms and calms. You think so? He'd feel cheap. Yeah, I think also it's so cheap yeah i think it's like also it's like the glory of getting something that you're not supposed to get i feel like but i mean

he didn't even he didn't even uh go up for the food he just wanted the soda yeah he just said the drink is usually free oh he didn't even get food he just went for the soda well he said he ordered his food i'm going to the buffet i also like a drink and by the way here's my gun here's my badge the drink is usually free you never have to show the gun I love it you just show the badge yeah

now he felt the need to show his gun yeah oh man well I'm glad he got caught I guess so it's very good it reminds me of an absolute

opposite scene from that very dramatic movie Crash hmm remember what cops were doing in that the terrible one or the good one

no one liked Crash never watched it. It's a sad movie. It's a bad movie. I heard it was a bummer. It won an Oscar. It doesn't make it good. It does by definition make it good.

Let's pull up the list of all the shit movies that have won Oscars. Yeah, what do you think about Shakespeare in Love, Ben? Oh my God, don't even get me started. I love Shakespeare in Love. It's one of my all-time favorite movies. I love it. Although Ralph Fiennes is the better Fiennes forever. Get rid of,

what is it, Rafe? It's Ralph and Rafe. I think that, Ray. Ray. Ray. Get rid of,

whatever Fiennes was in Shakespeare and Loves is the greater Fiennes. And then there's Ralph Ray, but we don't talk about Ralph Ray. No, no, no, no. What did Ralph Ray do? Oh,

bad stuff to animals. Exactly. Bad stuff. I gotta say though, I was at a public place today and they had on What's Eating Gilbert Grape and I was just like, I was in a public place today and they had on What's Eating Gilbert Grape and I was just like,

this is not a thing to play in a public place. I immediately was upset. He's so good. You like it a lot? He is, Leonardo DiCaprio is really fucking good

in that goddamn movie. He's a great actor. Yeah, everyone's good in that movie. It's a fun movie. And he's never received a goddamn Oscar. I need,

Kevin, can you defend me or will you take the devil's side by definition if you won an Oscar you can't say

it was a bad movie it was technically a good movie it's your own opinion yeah you're allowed to have an opinion why are you asking Kevin I don't know

he was the one who didn't get into the conversation yeah I don't really have an opinion on anything in this world damn slap in the face.

It's a really bad date. I just generally just stand there. You do like pain, though, right? Like other people's pain. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit's dope. Schadenfreude. Schadenfreude.

He's a big fan of the Schadenfreude. All right. So the guy got a bunch of free nothing. I say we pants him. That should be his penalty. Just pants him in public? The fake cop? Public pantsing.

At Golden Corral. Even better. Yeah. Do it at Golden Corral. Make him stand right next to the jello for two hours. We make him have to impersonate the jello. That'll be big. People are always scooping at him.

You throw chocolate sauce, not hot chocolate sauce, just room temperature chocolate sauce on his dick, and then people go throw sprinkles at him. Well, that's the one thing about a buffet. That's what turns me off to the Golden Corral the most, their chocolate fountain. I think it's disgusting. It's gross.

Yeah, it's pretty gross. You can almost see the fingernails and random skin flakes in there. But that's why I like the Sizzler, because they had the yogurt station. The frozen yogurt station. Yes. Oh, there's also furs. What the hell is furs? Lubies and furs? It's like lubies, but it's just furs with two

R's. Did a wealthy man just name every restaurant off of what his wife liked? I mean, what happened? Pizza Hut had a buffet. Oh, it still does! It still does at lunch! Dessert pizza. That's where they introduced the dessert pizza. Oh my god. It was huge. So good. I mean, it's no CeCe's. No CeCe's.

Not that I'm a proponent of CeCe's. CeCe's is garbage. Magical, magical experience. But it's magical garbage. Don't talk good about CeCe's on this show. I'm saying that it's garbage, but I'm saying there comes a time when you have $5.99 in your pocket

and you are hungover as hell and you say, I can eat all the pizza? Then you go to Cece's. You go to Cece's. Anyone ever been to Lum's? Nope. Good hot dog joint. Boiled in beer.

Where have you guys been? Lum's, Loopy's, and Brown's. No, no. Fur's exists. Look, there's the website for Fur's. Furs exist. Look, there's the website. For furs. Furs Fresh Buffet. At Furs Fresh Buffet, we don't just make food, we make friends.

That's nice. Oh, my goodness. No, I don't want to fucking make friends. I want to suck my craw. The whole point is that I want to eat alone. Now, if you show up there pretending to be a fireman, you get a blowjob in the bathroom. At Furs or Luby's? Both.

What about Brown Derby? Actually, at Luby's, you got to show up pretending to be a scuba diver. Oh, I see. Full scuba suit with the tank and everything. I thought Brown Derby was a fancy restaurant. In L.A. It's a buffet. It's a buffet, man.

The Brown Derby restaurant in L.A. is a buffet? That was the one that started it, and it became a buffet, man. The Brown Derby restaurant in L.A. is a buffet? That was the one that started it, and it became a buffet. You used to get free plastic cups with a little Brown Derby thing on it. I had dozens of them when I was a kid. But that was the original, was the one in L.A., and then it's a chain. I don't think your description has taken Eddie off of his position that it is a fancy restaurant. That's just that, though. They give you cups.

You don't have to use your hands for the soda. Real plates? I don't understand. When I was a kid, I got kicked out of Ponderosa for eating straight off the buffet. Damn.

Oh, come on. You're going to let him do it. Kicked my whole family out. So humiliating. Really? So humiliating. I ate, like, cubed ham right off of the buffet.

I went back to my table and they're like, I'm afraid everyone here has to leave. The fat child. The fat child with the beard. If you don't taste it, how do you know if you want it? You have to try a little nibble because you're going to give yourself a pound of it and then you take it back to the table.

I did put my hand in the ham though. Man, I gotta go to a buffet right now. You can't get one in New York. Round table meet up at a buffet. I'm down for that. There's a Jamaican buffet in my neighborhood. We can go there.

Jamaican buffet? Oh shit. It's just a Jamaican's house. It's an apartment next door to where Marcus lives. It's just a Jamaican's house. It's an apartment next door to where Marcus lives. It's just a really nice family. It's on Fulton and Tompkins, or Fulton and Troop over there in Bed-Stuy, yeah. Oh, shit. I'm not going to leave. I've been eating so much jerk shake lately.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't go over there. The one buffet experience that I heard about when I first moved into the city, one of these deli buffets, which oftentimes have sushi, which is completely disgusting. I heard about when I first moved into the city, one of these deli buffets, which oftentimes have sushi, which is completely disgusting. A homeless person was filling a spray bottle with his own dookie and urine and spraying all the food. Everyone was getting sick. It took him two years to find out.

He was doing that for two years? Two years. So everyone kept on complaining about food poisoning, things like that. They inevitably shut it down. Oh, man. The last buffet I went to was like last year. It was someplace in Queens. And it was this Chinese buffet. And I get there, and it was fucking confusing as shit.

And they made us pay first before we ate. And I get to the front, and then the lady who's supposed to take the money had just cut her hand. And she's like bleeding. And she was about to like wrap it up, but then she just didn't. And then she took my money and bled all over it. Oh, my God. And then she gave me my change, which had blood in it. I just fucking walked back to the table, and I still ate, and the food wasn't good.

Good learning experience. That's a hard worker, man. It's such an offensive idea to any country that has a large starving population. Most of the food goes to waste, doesn't it? Yeah, the vast majority of it. Because they can't leave it out there for too long. But they have to keep it on the buffet all

day long. So you leave some General Tso's chicken out there for two hours, no one eats it for two hours, you still replace it. Throw the whole thing away. Scrap it. Because maybe someone wants some General Tso's later. I'll take it. I'll still eat it, yeah. But I think we all agree you have to go drunk. Yeah, yeah.

Stone to the bone bone that was a mistake I made going sober I wouldn't have been bothered at all by that blood on my money I've been at least some type of inebriated

it doesn't seem like you were that bothered sober I mean no I fucking I didn't I didn't want to touch I literally grabbed the corner of the money

and I just put it on the side I had to tip these people fucking 15 bucks because I didn't want to put blood money back in my wallet. Ooh, that's a good tactic, though.

That's a good way to get that blood money back. She knows. Oh, my goodness. I remember one time I went to a buffet with Henry in L.A. called Vegas Seafood Buffet.

Everyone just horrified at the sight of the two of you walking there. I know. We ate so much and we started to get sick and we're like halfway through the meal

and we're like, there's no ocean in Vegas? So yeah, it was horrible. Don't go there. You guys got sick? Oh yeah. My first night there. Halfway through the meal.

I mean, obviously you finished the meal. Oh yeah, we kept eating. We already paid. That is actually a brilliant technique for a bad buffet. You pay first. That's it. And like a bad prostitute. Anytime something technique for a bad buffet. You pay first. That's it. And like a bad prostitute. Anytime something's going to be bad, you pay first.

Absolutely. Up front. Not bad. New story? Let's do it. A Georgia motorist was masturbating when he plowed his vehicle into a van that had stopped at an intersection. According to cops, Donald Marvin Johnson, 63, was quote-unquote physically distracted while driving his Saturn Ion Monday morning in Martinez in Augusta, Georgia's suburb. Johnson, seen here.

Wait, wait, wait. What do we got? I wanted to do the race game on this. No, it's tough because of the name. I was thinking black. His name is Zion. I'm thinking white. No, Donald Marvin.

I think that's white. Oh, Donald Marvin can go either way. I think that's white. Oh, Donald Marvin can go either way. I think that's white. I thought it was a lesbian. Hence the Scion. It says that Johnson was following too closely when he rear-ended a Chevrolet Astrovan. Driver Rickarsha McBride, 28,

told police that she saw Johnson's car swerving and driving recklessly before the crash, adding that his vehicle almost hit her two or three times. McBride, cops reported, said that, quote, the last time she looked over at Mr. Johnson, he had his penis exposed outside of his pants and was physically masturbating. Johnson was arrested for public indecency and following too closely and booked into the Columbia County Jail, where he is being held on $11,200 bond. He was previously convicted

of public indecency in 2008, a bust that also came after he was spotted masturbating behind the wheel. You're in your own car. Why are you not allowed to masturbate in there? People can see you. Can I jerk off by an open window in my house?

No. What? No. My house. We've talked about this before. I don't remember. What if you don't got blinds? Remember that guy, wasn't he like right in front of his open front door and he kept jerking

it? Right, but he was inside of his house so that people couldn't hear anything about it. Yeah. But they could. As long as you, if you're looking out the window and jerking off, I can see that's a problem. But if you're just like inside your house on the couch. You could be looking in a mirror. What do you mean? A mirror

reflecting what's outside you could be looking at. I don't know. No way. I don't buy this at all. It's tough to say. I just went like three weeks with no blinds. And? I was jerking off. Okay. You're into your first coppers

and you need to see coppers in the area when a bus stand on a big bus. Wait a second. So were you jerking off like near the window? Like right next to it or standing? Do you jerk off standing up? No, no, no, no. Laying down usually.

Put it on the belly. But there's a window there. You got a little catcher. You got a little servant? Yeah, a little servant, yeah. A hill catcher. It's a mouse! It's a little mouse.

It runs around in his stomach. You not heard of this? No, I didn't hear about it. It's a little mouse. It runs around in his stomach, and yeah, it collects it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a large throat. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. He wears goggles, and he's got, you know, he's got, like, he fashioned tiny little tennis shoes for it so he could really, like, jump up and get it. Well, I give him 20 bucks a week. That's nice. 20 bucks, American dollars. Yep. He eats it.

He just eats the money. You should be giving him cheese, Ed. That's something he can do something with. I mean, you know what I am? Oh, Lord. I found a story. Out of New Jersey, a 61-year-old man was arrested after teenagers reported seeing him standing naked and masturbating in his home with the lights on and in plain view of the street.

You can't do it. Can't do it. I believe Marcus is correct. You can't do it. I don't like this law. I kind of like this one. No. It's your house.

If you're looking out the window and you're staring at people, that's a problem. But if you're just like... What if you turned around? Sometimes, you know, you forget to close the blinds. My whole thing is, if you forget to close the blinds, you're just coming out the shower, you know? Sure. Watching the news. Are we getting arrested?

Right. Because the window's open and shit. You don't have to walk around naked in your own apartment. Right? Does that happen if the window, if the blind, right? I think you get arrested. If the blinds are open. Hey, man, we haven't had a shower in seven years, nine years.

So technically, I guess that's illegal. Yeah. Right? What if you're attractive? What if this is encouraged? Well, then people don't press charges. There is a double standard. There's a big difference between being a Romeo and a pervert,

and it tends to deal with abs. That's pretty much the only one. Or when the pretty lady checks the size of her breasts in front of the window. Sure, technically it's just as illegal, or it should be. Just checking for lumps. Marcus, how many hot chicks got arrested for masturbating in front of the window? No blinds. I want to know the stat on that.

As far as I know, all I can find is this one 61-year-old man. Double standard. But they said this site, William and Cleric, sex crimes attorneys, on their website, they say that the key phrase is exposed to public view. So if you are in any way indecent, say if you would be doing it on the sidewalk and it was a bad idea to do it there, it's a bad idea to do it in your home if you're exposed to public view. It's the same thing. I think laying in bed is fine because it's like you're not directly right by the window jerking off. But laying in bed and if someone looks across the way. Well, wait, because then you wonder, is that a peeping Tom?

Or are you doing something wrong? Yeah, they should be in trouble for looking in. If a dude's in your tree with binoculars staring at you having sex with your wife, I mean, who's doing the illegal activity if your windows are open? Gray area, my friend. Someone needs to bring this to the Michigan courts. As opposed to the water crisis?

Goddamn right. Bury the Flint water crisis. We have real problems here in Michigan. What if you're a painter and your new way of painting is just put your penis in the paint and then slap it against the canvas? It's allowed. That's your art. If you're not hard, I think it's okay.

You can't slap it if it's hard. It has to be soft, right? Why? You can slap hard. You can do detail work when it's hard. Yeah, you would have, right? Why? You can slap hard. You can do detail work when it's hard. Yeah, you would have to do detail. Yeah, eyebrows and such. That's what artists we are.

Eyebrows, those are good details. Shadows. That's about all I know. All right. But it's fine. This guy, he's a serial masturbator, this guy. Why is he still allowed to drive, though? Well, I mean.

You get your license taken away, revoked, after the one time you got caught off... What if he has one of those Econoline vans with the blinds? Can you jerk off? Then you can do it. There has to be... They can't see you. If you're just doing it in the middle of the fucking day

with your windows open. What if you're homeless and the only thing you own is a car? Then you park in an alleyway. You park out of the public view. He was driving. He was actually driving and jerking off and he was also in a Saturn Ion. Say you're in an 18-wheeler, you're

up high. It doesn't matter. No one's going to see it. It seems like he was staring at this woman. I think he was staring at this woman, yeah. No, you can't lock eyes. You can't be staring. That's the problem. The eye lock. That's the bright line rule. People see you jerking off and you're just like looking at a screen.

They laugh at you. You stare and take a picture of you and things like that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to say maybe the court of law doesn't need to be involved here. A simple public shaming might be enough for the guy. The public shaming? This guy's already been publicly shamed. Yeah.

This guy's been through enough. I mean, it's as long as he has. Well, you already had done it before, so I feel like he obviously didn't learn a lesson. He did not. Yep, absolutely not. Not a good guy. And he scared Rickardia McBride to death.

She didn't like it at all. Absolutely not. This woman sounds like a complainer to me. What are you talking about? She's just trying to drive. I want to know what McBride looks like. Let's do the race game on Macarsha McBride. Oh, you know, man.

I don't know. McBride's an Irish name. Macarsha... Well, I mean, in this... Actually, now that you bring up the Irish thing, that's a good point. I don't... This isn't...

I don't know. It's America, man. Everything is changing. I have no idea what happens anymore. Let's go to her Facebook page, see how many shitty posts she has. I'm trying to, I'm going to find Rick Archer. We have to find her. I don't like her.

I like her. No problem with her. I'm uncomfortable. All right, why? Because I feel like it's like, you know, she just got upset because somebody was jerking it, you know? The problem is, I guess, my main thing is that he wasn't, like, looking into her eyes and jerking it. I've had that before on a train.

He did almost hit her with a car. They hit her with a car thing. But at the same time, I would rather get hit with a car than have, like, I've had, like, a dude jerking off on the train looking me down. What's happened to me with your brother before? Henry did that to you? No, no. I'm not surprised.

I'm not surprised. Yeah, that's right. Henry loves to jerk off and look into people's eyes. But this guy, if he lived in New York City and knew nothing other than the subway life,

he'd be that person who jerks off on the subway seats. Can't do that. No, you cannot. You do not own the subway. You do not. Good point. Your car, though. No, you cannot. You do not own the subway. You do not. Good point.

Your car, though. Man, Dave keeps giving me my fucking tax, man. He's giving me the tax that I need. I love a Tic Tac. It's changing you. It is changing you. It's unbelievable. Because I don't eat sugar that much anymore.

It's mixing with the stress pills. These are only two calories. I think these are sugar-free. They're two calories and sugar-free? Yeah, they are sugar-free. My mom eats them all the time. Man, I should be eating these every day. I'm looking at them, but I don't want to.

It's because you're waving them around. Tiny, tiny dick inside of my mouth. I got a tiny dick, tiny dick in my mouth. That was the Tic Tac slogan that never was used. Put me on that fucking commercial. I'll fucking do it. Hey, you want a little clear box, tiny dicks? Come on down to Tic Tac.

Why not? All right. No photo of this woman? No, I couldn't find it. Because when you type in Rickarsha McBride, all you get is this news story. Because it's been circulated. Which one? Oh, that one.

This one. The one that we're currently talking about. You can do a photo image and we'll just assume that we'll see if any of those. Yeah. Just a photo image? Yeah, just Google it on images. Let's see what the... I did do Google images. It's always this guy.

It's always just the guy. That's not her. That's not her. Or an African cop. What about the girl trying to suck the two shake weight penises? Uh-huh. Huh. Oh, the masturbating driver.

Look at that. If she was doing that, if that's the girl and she was doing that, then it's different. I didn't know that there were people that you could Google their names and they wouldn't have one Google image show up. This chick must be, she must like a life of relative solitude. Yeah. I mean, she just might not live on the internet. There are a lot of people like that. I think they have nothing to do with social media stuff or any of that kind of stuff.

It's like, why would you? Right, yeah. All right, very good. Good story. We solved it. I guess. Kind of. Yeah, let's go from Georgia to Alabama.

We're doing a full tour of the South. We're really touring around. An Alabama man dressed as a clown was arrested last night for drunk driving, according to cops who noted that the suspect, quote, gave no explanation for his odd attire. Acting on a tip from another motorist at Jefferson County Sheriff's Office, deputies spotted a Ford SUV weaving across a road in Pinson, a city outside Birmingham.

Upon stopping the car around 8.30 p.m., the cop noticed that the driver of the vehicle was dressed as a clown. The motorist, Joel Allen Sloan, 51, told the deputy that he just had a few drinks. Sloan, the police report said, quote-unquote, gave no explanation whatsoever for the clown costume.

He's a clown. What explanation do you have to give? Yeah, clowns are just drunk. Like, this is not a surprising story. Drunk clown. If he'd said anything but I'm a clown, that'd be weird. If you're dressed like a clown, you're a clown. What explanation do you have to give? Yeah.

Okay, race game? Oh, uh-oh. What was his name? Clown drove around. His name, let's see here. Chinese. There are no such thing as a chinese clown that's not true no i would never watch it no one else would want to do it kabuki is a different form it's a clown but i'm talking clown straight up all right i'm talking pulling his dick and making it into a

pigeon okay that is not a chinese dick and making it into a pigeon? Okay. That is not a Chinese. Pulling his dick and making it into a pigeon? What kind of clown is that? All clowns are white. We know this. I don't think that that's true. I mean, this clown is white. Oh, okay. Yeah, he didn't let us play the game.

All clowns are white. Oh, no, man. They had the Universal Circus for a while. That was full of black people. Yeah? Clowns all over the place. No, I knew a Latino clown. Did you?

Yeah, I did. This is sad. I don't know. He was always drunk. This is, I found some pictures of some Chinese clowns. Hey. Clowns know no race. Clowns are everywhere, man.

They got hamburger lips. Kabuki. No, it was just kabuki. I mean, there's a lot of kabuki in there. Kabuki. No, it was just kabuki. I mean, there's a lot of kabuki in there. Kabuki's Japanese. Ain't it? It's, you know. Man, I'm sticking on my story.

I don't think your story's correct. I feel like it is. All right. You just saw images of several Asian people just dressed up all willy-nilly. I don't think they're... Yeah, that's like a Halloween costume. Like, oh, we're Asian. It'd be funny if we, you know, went in the cloud. Dress up all willy-nilly. I don't think they're... That's like a Halloween costume. Like, oh, we're Asian. It'd be funny if we, you know, went as a clown.

Dressed up like a white person. Yeah. Here's a picture of Will Smith as a clown. There are black people clowns. Ooh, he doesn't look good as a clown. Ooh, yeah, he looks bad. He's got a white face thing going on. Well, you know, a lot of clowns have white faces.

That's the whole point. Yeah. Oh, I see. That's a... Michael Jackson. That's tough. That's the whole point. Yeah. Oh, I see. That's a... Michael Jackson. That's tough. That's a sad clown there. I like that scary one.

Well, it's nice. I don't like clowns. We can go ahead and say the majority of clowns are white. How's about that? I saw a whole documentary about black clowns, man. Really? Yeah. What's a documentary called?

I would watch that. Well, that's the thing, though, is that black clowns are so rare that they had to make a documentary about it. It was also kind of about dancing. Wait, but I want to watch that. What's it called? I'm trying to remember what it was called. That sounds fun.

The whole point of the clowns. Oh, Bamboozled. Do you remember that movie? No, that sounds like an Asian clown. No. But Damon Wayans was a clown. It's a very good movie. Clowns know no race.

They're clowns. That's how they identify. I also, I don't know how I started getting These emails But I also get these emails From some dude called Uncle Magic

Who's like a magician And clown And like every week I get emails About special What I'm scared about Is that you know exactly Where those emails came from

And that you're too You're too upset And ashamed to say it Are you talking about Uncle Magic The hip hop magician Yeah yeah But he does like Clown stuff too I think Or at least he has Clowns with him on some You're too upset and ashamed to say it. Are you talking about Uncle Magic, the hip-hop magician? Yeah, but he does clown stuff too.

Or at least he has clowns with him on some. I definitely get some clown specials. Oh, yeah. Why? No. Why do you get those emails? I don't know, man. This is what... Probably just some show you're on.

Listen, black people support each other. It's not clowns, though. Clowns are a different race. Huge clown. Huge clown fan. Yep. Wait, you are? Yeah, I love clowns.

Yeah, I'm with you. What are you fucking talking about? Why not? I'm a gigantic clown fan. I love clowns. You're scary. Have you guys seen Clown yet? No.

Oh, yes, I did. Yes, Clown was a very good horror movie. It's on Netflix. Check it out. It's a great horror movie. That's right. He puts on the vintage clown costume, and he can't take it off. I like the Mingus song, The Clown.

All right. It's very good. I like clowns in general. I do, too, in general. But I do think they're scary, but I think that's a good thing. I don't think they're scary at all. I think they're wonderful. What's your favorite balloon animal?

Oh, I would say, I'm going to go with giraffe. I'm pretty classic. Man, I had a great sloth one time. A what? Yeah, oh yeah. That's intricate, man. It was beautiful. I think it was a few balloons fused together into one.

You have to, usually. Yeah, it was great, though. The Last Circus. That's a good clown movie. That's a great clown movie. They were Italian clowns. From Spain. No, though. The Last Circus. That's a good clown movie. That's a great clown movie. They were Italian clowns. From Spain. No, Spain.

Spain. Carney, another great clown movie. I've never seen it. It's got Gary Busey and Robbie Robertson from the band. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, Gary Busey's the clown. Are you going to see Santa Sangre?

It is a Hispanic movie about clowns, and it is scary and creepy. Well, look at that. A lot of movies about clowns. and it is scary and creepy. Well, look at that. A lot of movies about clowns. Big Top Pee-Wee. Big Top Pee-Wee. Big Top Pee-Wee. Mr. Pastrami coming in with the best clown movie yet.

You know, I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to change my statement and say that all clowns are black. Yeah, man. Several prominent examples. A lot of people forget about Homie the Clown, but he influenced the whole generation. Good point.

One of the most famous clowns ever. He does not play that. No, he doesn't. He doesn't prefer to play that. It's the best clown slogan of all time. He's written down in the clown history books. Homie the Clown changed the game. They didn't know they could say that stuff.

Clowns are very accepting people before Homie the Clown realized he didn't play that and told everybody. Oh my God. I had a Homie the Clown poster. I had a t-shirt. Yeah.

How the hell did you guys not remember that in the beginning? I don't know. You know, some things get buried. That's sad. That's sad. Let's bring Homie back. We got to.

They tried to, but the relaunch of In Living Color did not work out. No, because everybody is so fucking snit bit now. I feel like he deserves his own movie.

I think they tried. I think they tried. What about, what's the name of the offensive clown that everybody loves so much? The offensive clown? The offensive clown.

Shakes the clown. Oh, shakes the clown. Oh, yeah, Bobcat Colthwaite. Yep, Bobcat. There has been a lot of great clowns. John Wayne Gates. The the clown. Oh, shakes the clown. Oh, yeah, Bobcat Colthwaite. Yep, Bobcat. There has been a lot of great clowns. John Wayne Gates. The Day the Laughter Died or whatever, the clown movie that never came out about the Holocaust.

Oh, Jerry Lewis, the clown that worked for the Nazis. The one movie that Jerry Lewis, when he is dead, will be released. Ten years after his death. Ten years? It's going to be great. So hopefully we get to see it. Well, he might live, yeah, he could be 150 by the time he goes. That's fine. Soon we're going to open up that big

tomb that's out in Vegas from Stanley Kubrick, which holds the faked moon landing set. Oh, NASA just sent out a whole bunch more pictures. Did you see that? They sent that out. No, we went.

But he has the fake moon landing set because they didn't have the video to show it. Jackie, we're not talking about that right now. I'm just saying I'm looking forward to it. It's the only thing the Americans have done in the past hundred years.

I'm just saying. Can we just have the moon landing? I'm just saying that I'm looking forward to seeing the moon landing set. There's been a lot of moon sets. There's been a lot of sets. No, we went to it. We did it.

Yeah, we did do it. We did it. We definitely did it. We just lost a lot of sets. No, we went to it. We did it. Yeah, we did do it. We did it. We definitely did it. Yeah. We just lost a lot of the footage. They came out and they figured out the

math behind it. In order to fake the moon landing, it would take 154,000 people to not say anything. That's how many people would have to be involved? No, everyone's talking

nowadays. It's totally fine. Someone would be tweeting it. Nope, nope. Someone would tweet it. Plenty of stuff that gets swept under the rug.

They don't know how to fucking tweet shit. They kept the Manhattan Project under wraps. That had about the same amount of people. Interesting. Yeah. We all know the Manhattan Project. Interesting.

But those have been proven to be accurate. But those have been proven to be accurate. The fake moon landing has never been proven to be accurate. Does the Philadelphia experiment prove to be accurate? Yeah, that was when Rocky Balboa fought whatever. Joe Louis. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, my God when Rocky Balboa fought whatever. Joe Louis. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, my God.

I just watched Creed. It was so great. We lived in a world where Joe Louis just got to beat the shit out of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky just so people in Philly

could be happy. I feel so bad for the dude. Joe Louis? It was the Joe Louis that's the actual famous Philly boxer? Yeah. Yeah.

And he gets totally trumped by a fake actor. But he's not even buried in Philly, though. He's buried in Washington, D.C. As he should. So maybe he gave them the old fuck you. I hope he did. He's in the tip of the monument. And they're going to shoot him out like a cannon.

Yeah. July 4th. Three years. Oh, yeah. I can't wait. We're going, baby. We're getting a van. We're going, baby. We're getting in a van. We're going down there.

We're going to fucking get lit. Watch that. How did Michael B. Jordan not get that Oscar nod? I don't know. They had to give it to Cranston for doing nothing. Oh, God damn. He's so good. He became a boxer for the movie.

He's great. Go see Creed. It was great, man. It was a very different Grammy than Oscar, I will say. A boxer for the movie. He's great. Go see Creed. It was great, man. It was a very different Grammy than Oscar, I will say. So I guess the movie's bad in your opinion, Ben? Which one? Because he didn't get nominated?

Well, Sylvester Stallone is up for his best supporting role. No, no movies I like are ever nominated. But I like movies that aren't, you know, technically good. Krampus was good. Yeah, Krampus was pretty good. The Visit was my movie of the year. The Visit was your movie of the year? Yeah, I liked the movie. I had a great time when I watched it.

I mean, I enjoyed the movie, but what about Room? What about its follows? I liked its follows too, but I liked the Visit better. Really? Really. Have you seen The Visit, Jackie?

Yes. And it's a no-go? In fact, I saw it, and my mom wanted to buy it. We were home for Christmas and she was like, I can't rent it right now, but should I buy it for $16.99? We're like, yeah, let's fucking do it. And the watcher was like, I'm so sorry you paid $16.99 for this. We had a good time, but not $16.99 worth.

Apple TV gave us the big fuck comeuppance. How much would you think you had much fun, like monetarily? $3.99. Much fun. $3.99 for six people to watch it.

Divisible by six, yes. Wow, six people. I feel like you got a deal. I mean, it's not M. Night Shyamalan's greatest pleasure. It is. They technically say it's his best movie.

Markets, let's move on. What do you mean? All of those movies are shit. What? Oh, come on. What are you, a fan? The elevator one? Oh, I'm not a fan at all, but I definitely wouldn't say it's his best fucking movie.

What would you say his best movie is? Unbreakable? I mean, I guess. Unbreakable sucks. Yeah, Sixth Sense. Unbreakable's okay. I'm going to throw out Sixth Sense. Overrated.

I mean, yes, it's overrated, but at the time when you first fucking saw that, I was like, oh my God, did people wheel? Oh my God, they did. I didn't know. I missed the ending, so I didn't know. It's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. Oh no. It's a President Day

segment special bonanza. So everybody, we're gonna do a presidential death match. There's a giant horror dome and we're gonna have a couple things in there. Some snares, some tricks and traps, some booby traps. Maybe a couple animals, some snakes, some bears, some things like that. They have to kind of fight against

some external forces, right? And each other. Only one may leave alive. Okay? So we want to be choosing the most nimble, the most street smart, the most you know, head smart, flexible, strong, you know, molesty sort of president.

Molesty? Maybe, if that's your angle in the fight. I've never seen an attribute chart for like a UFC fight. I've never saw molesty. If that's your angle, that's your angle, okay? And they each get to enter with one weapon. The weapon does need to kind of have something to do with them as president, right? Can it be a gun?

If that has anything to do with them as president. Can it be a gun? If that has anything to do with them. Why wouldn't you pick a gun? Well, you could pick other things than a gun. Yeah, you ever seen the fucking game Clue? The gun always doesn't win. Yeah, the gun doesn't always win. The gun is the thoughtless man's tool. What about a Gatling gun?

If that has to do with them, but I don't know what president a Gatling gun would have to do with. I mean, Truman could bring in an atom bomb, but what good's that going to do him? I mean, he's going to ultimately win. I'm going to go first. I'm going to do my weapon. Ulysses S. Grant could have a Gatling gun. My weapon's a bit abstract. Well, you didn't choose fucking Ulysses S. Grant.

I don't know if I will. Poor horse. So my weapon's a little bizarre I'm gonna go with Bill Clinton and his weapon is gonna be

Monica Lewinsky and she's gonna go sucking everybody's cocks and distracting them and he's gonna come up around him and do his jujitsu move on him

he might you get they get time to train they get a year to train they get a year to train in a special martial arts of your choosing and mine's jujitsu these presidents are all in their prime right You're here to train. It's special martial arts. You're choosing. Mine's jiu-jitsu.

These presidents are all in their prime, right? Yes. People don't realize that most presidents are the national jiu-jitsu champions. You have to be the best at jiu-jitsu. You don't have to pick two presidents to go against each other. We're all throwing a president into this death match. Marcus is going to choose how the shit goes down. It's like a house of horrors.

Mine is Bill Clinton. His weapon is Monica Lewinsky. And his martial art is jujitsu. Everyone has to now also pick a martial art. Kevin. Abraham Lincoln. And he goes in with, I believe, a martial art. Kevin. Abraham Lincoln. Okay. And he goes in with, I believe, a wooden stake.

He's our only vampire hunter president. I forget. I forget. I thought you were going to say an army of black people. And what is your martial art that he will have trained in for the past year? Tai Chi, man. Abraham Lincoln was a pretty calm dude. No, martial arts?

Tai Chi is underrated. Can be deadly. Tai Chi is a good martial art. Okay. All right, I'm going to go with William Harrison. He died in 30 days. He's coming in with nothing. Okay. Or so they think.

Hags out in the corner a little bit. The fight goes on. What is that? What a little pussy boy. We'll leave him. I'll kill him last. He's weak. What is he?

A human biological weapon. Everything. He gets sick easily. But now he's a dad. He was an old man. He tried giving it. He wasn't that old. He wasn't that old.

He wasn't that old. No, he that old. He wasn't that old. No, he was the oldest president to be torn in at the time. It is true. Yeah, he wasn't that old. So he's a human biological weapon, but he found an immunity in his own system to avoid, well, his inevitable doom in 30 days in office. But he doesn't die in this. He is the victor.

Well, he was the tough son of a bitch. Well, yeah, he gave the... Too tough for his own good. The four-hour speech in the rain, or so they say. But he was sick before that. He was going to- Everyone knew the fix was in. Yeah.

Harrison was going to go. So- Martial art. The martial art. Let's see. Maybe the one-inch cough. It's not a martial art, but that's what he does. It's a special his own sword style.

They don't even know they got it. Okay. Four seconds later, five seconds later, they're fighting somebody else, and they keel over. There you go. There you go. I kind of wanted you to do Bill Clinton with, like, a giant prop inflatable cigar. Well, I was going to do cigar. I was going to do cigar, but I feel like it's not deadly enough.

Like, a cigar makes sense thematically, but I feel like Monica Lewinsky getting in there That's a whole other person And she's been alright she snuck in the dojo a couple nights You know what I'm saying She got in there she fucking learned a couple bits Alright I'm gonna go with Ronald Reagan With his Totally Disciplined

Raging Chimp Puppet It's like a chimp puppet Damn. Puppet. Puppet that only responds to him. And his martial arts, Reagan is a zen master. He can just fucking get

real focused. Sit there with his legs crossed and that's it. You can't even touch him while he's in that mental state. I was thinking about doing Reagan and doing a lightsaber, you know, because he did Star Wars. He did that whole campaign. But a chimp, way better.

It is a hard thing to follow. Get ready to go to Bitburg. I'm going with Taft. I'm going with the fat president. And his weapon is going to be because fat only relies upon fat that through the um you know time management that we are using with this that he's going to use mama cass as his weapon

of choice so what he's going to do is that his karate is going to be dick and cass saute because he's going to attach her onto him using his dick. But they're also going to have, you know, a support system for her to hold on to. Like a wheelbarrow? Yeah, yeah, of sorts. I was thinking more of like, you know that documentary of the conjoined twins that are conjoined at the head and one can walk and the other can't? I was thinking more of like a stool like that with wheels upon it

that she is laid upon. She not only eats the food of all of her opponents, she's getting fucked while this is happening. Very slowly. Because they can't fuck too hard. While she's on a cart. She better be careful while she's eating.

But she also bites. She's a big biter. She vomits. Anything that she also bites. She's a big biter. She vomits. Anything that she can do. So I'm going to say Taft and gas. Taft could have picked so many things. Mama Cass is biting. Sing for your supper.

Have your breakfast. Make your own kind of music. Oh my God, I love her. So do I. Yeah, she's great, but, like, she choked to death. Eddie, she's not here. Yeah, on a ham sandwich, that's the whole thing. So this is why Zuccomapus is going to get there.

She's going to show that she knows how to swallow. You could have picked Taft. You could have picked, like, a gun. He got shot. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. Taft? Taft got shot, and he lived because he was too fat.

The bullet couldn't go through. What if we add it's the ghost of Mama Cass. That way bullets go right through her. The ghost of Mama Cass. But if she concentrates hard enough, her mouth becomes physical. Or a tub. You could have picked a tub for Cass. It was Teddy Roosevelt that got shot. He got shot too.

They all get shot. Not all of them. Just, you know, 8%. There was a period of like 30 years where presidents were getting shot a lot. Oh, yeah. How about yours, Ed? I'm going to go FDR. Okay. He's going to have four-foot, really like hardcore robotic legs.

I knew it. That's an awesome thing to give him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he was very strong upper body. He had this, I was in his house, and he has this elevator. And his elevator was really, you were there. I remember that. That was great.

This big wooden elevator. And the elevator wasn't like a normal elevator. You press a button. It was a fucking like 500 pound elevator that he would go in with his wheelchair and then pull himself up by a rope. So his upper body was as strong as fuck. So he was like ripped to shit up top, but he had these little fucking, you know, retarded legs.

And so if we get him some really strong iron robotic legs, I imagine he would just wreck everybody. Yeah. All right. You got a pretty good, and the martial art. Martial art? Oh, shoot fighting. Shoot fighting?

Yeah, shoot fighting. You know, it's the kind of martial arts where you just, like, you get the person on the ground and you break one of their limbs. I thought you were going to say, like, the reverse of what Jax did. I don't know, man. The one I'd really want to see, I think I want to see the comeuppance. I think I want to see Mama Cass intact. What?

That is a... I did not! This win! Taff got stuck in it! Not expected to win! To win! Bathtubs are slippery as fuck! How do you get stuck in one?

I can't believe how I won this. Soap and water makes you slippery and you're still stuck in it? Go to Mama Cash. Congratulations. I don't know. I can't believe that I won this. Soap and water makes you slippery, and you're still stuck in it, and it takes a bunch of people to come through? It goes to Mama Cash. Congratulations. I don't know. I can't believe it. I didn't say it.

Was I supposed to pick the one who would win or the one that I would? The one who leaves alive. Oh, the one who leaves alive. Jackie wins Marcus's favorites. Well, yeah, you win the one I would want to see the most. But I would say, well, the one that's going to leave alive is definitely Robotic FDR. Oh, come on, man. Lincoln dedicated his life to killing the undead.

But that's only useful. I love that's what you remember it for. The fix is in. He didn't do anything else that affected me, man. Honestly, I would say Reagan and the monkey. I mean, that was fucking intense. That's a crazed chip. Reagan played Pluto.

How a chip could climb up any height of robotic legs. All I got to say is all the vampires are gone. When was the last time you've seen a vampire? All right. Jackie wins again. Good to know. Jackie, you're on Twitter. Why?

You say it like I didn't earn my win. No, you always earn it. I won. You were just the favorite. I won. Oh, Eddie won? Yeah. Okay.

Okay, FDR's coming out alive. Yeah, man. Not bad. Four terms, baby. That's right. Pick the strongest. I don't know. Eddie Toon.

He was king. What? He was king of America. I don't know if we had a king. We don't like those here. He went four terms. They had to change the rules. if we had a king. We don't like those here. He went four terms. They had to change the rules. Yeah, that's how much we don't like them here.

Yeah, man. He fucking took down the fucking law. EddieTunes on Twitter. OldNatorsHo on Twitch. Find Kevin on Twitter at FatBoyBarnett. Marcus Parks is at Marcus Parks. I'm at Ben Kissel. Mr. Pastrami, what are you up to?

I need a Twitter account. Perfect. So start. Mr. Pastrami, what are you up to? I need a Twitter account. Perfect. So start a Mr. Pastrami Twitter. At Mr. Pastrami. It'll be up tonight. Nice. Didn't you meet some people and they all started calling you Mr. Pastrami? Yeah.

Yeah. I had a small following of Pastrami fans out in Denver. Oh, wow. Lenny Gould beat it to you. At Mr. Pastrami fans out in Denver. Oh, wow. Lenny Gould beat it to you. At Mr. Pastrami. He's already there. He's holding a big plate of it, too. We've already done this with Lenny Gould.

Yeah. He hasn't tweeted. We're also on Twitter as a thing. We don't really use the Twitter much. At RT of Gentlemen. We do, yes. At RT of Gentlemen. And follow the Facebook group.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And rate us on iTunes. All that good stuff. Pretty pleased, man. That'd be a lot of fun. group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And rate us on iTunes, all that good stuff. Pretty please, man. That'd be a lot of fun. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah, we'll talk to them soon.

All right. Yeah. That's the whole thing. Thanks, guys. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.