The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 279: Finger Kissin'

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Irene Morales joines the gang to talk 'Pawscer' nominees, the details of a brutal goose murder, and what they would wear to make a statement on the red carpet.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility.

gentlemen, always civility. And playing street football. Dear God, thank you so much for Ed and Ed So Fat and insert Ed Fat joke here. Come on, just try a little bit. Energy, just anything to bring us into the show. You're supposed to host the show.

Come on. You were very cynical to Holden and now you're being cynical to me. I'm giving helpful suggestions. No, you're being very cynical. You were very cynical to Holden, and now you're being cynical to me. I'm giving helpful suggestions. No, you're being a bully. You're being a producer? You're not the producer. Marcus is the producer. Marcus, yell it.

Bam! Bam! And now, Miss Jackie Zabrowski with a little number called... Amen. All right, that's the end of the prayer. The whole damn thing's been... It's ruined. Eddie, you ruined the whole damn thing.

There you go. That's the energy I the prayer. The whole damn thing's been ruined. Eddie, you ruined the whole damn thing. There you go. That's the energy I'm talking about. Good. Christ almighty. You are going to make me find religion, for God's sake. All right, so this is the roundtable of gentlemen. So, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, man, if you are in any kind of bad situation, just start singing.

Everybody loves it. Ooh, I heard that gorillas sing when they eat. I read that article this week. I thought everybody was going to say lay eggs. When they get their favorite meal, they sing a little louder. Yeah, but how do you do that while you're eating? Like you want to sing a little song. Yeah, no, they literally do.

I read an article. It was all... What does it sound like? I don't know. They didn't play the music or they didn't play the humming, but gorillas sing when they eat something they like. Wait, is this Monkey Corner? Is this early Monkey Corner?

I'm bringing it in, the monkey news, because, you know, it's been a little light lately, and I just want to make sure all the monkeys get their due. Can we all? Well, wait. We had that thing last week with the monkey with the knife. Goddamn, that was great. Yeah, that was a great story.

So, Ed, you're here. How you doing, Ed? I'm always here. Yeah, I'm good. You're not always here. I know. Oh, so that was Elijah's dub job. Very good Ed, you're here. How you doing, Ed? I'm always here. Yeah, I'm good. You're not always here. I know. So that was a lot of stuff. Shut down.

I'm never here. I'm an illusion. Can we all agree that 2016 Jackie is the Amy Winehouse of America? I'm living to die, motherfuckers. And now, a music number we all love to hear, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, by Miss all love to hear. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

By Miss Jagga Zabrowski. Whoa, whoa, whoa. My gin is too low. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sounds like Tom Waits. Put pussy in my hole. Beautiful song. Put pussy in my hole. And it's time now.

Everybody's waiting. What's he gonna say? What's he gonna talk about? PlayStation. What's he going to say? Who's he going to talk about? PlayStation Network channel. What happened to you? I can't leave the house. I'm being myself. Have you been doing somersaults into the corner of the wall? What's going on?

If you see the sun, it'll make you sneeze. That's true. It is true. Catnip Princess is an idiot because he bought a PS Vita. Radiator Lady says Zach Cooper is a hog-hungry pig diddler. Greedy Pete 69000 sent us a picture of his fucking balls. It's gross. He sent me a picture of his balls, and I had to forward it on.

He also says Joshua Underwood Crane is a dumb, dumb dick sipper who can't get hard or cum. Also, Greedy Pete is covered in lumps, too. It's okay if you are a holdinator. Why are you allowed to say, like, whatever these people are thinking? They have to. This is the situation. Mick Swagger is a motherfucker. Shout-outs to Bird Luger, Dog Meat, and Mr. Jose Bank, Big Ben.

Okay. But not me or Ed. Fuck this guy. Yeah, I can't beat this guy. I want this guy in the fucking ground. Make swagger. What if this guy does nothing for the rest of his life? I don't even want him in the ground.

That's too good for him. Yeah, you're right. Throw him in the river. Throw him in the air. Cut off his dick and throw him in the river. Say, let's explode him. It's better than being in the ground. Yeah, we got to develop a serum, man.

Keep this dude around forever. Can we keep his penis on him and we'll throw him in the river as a compromise? Yeah, you got to split it in half if you're his penis on him and we'll throw him in the river as a compromise? Yeah, you gotta split it in half if you're keeping it on him. Clitorectomy! Candyman2000 says, Pendergast is my fucking spirit animal and hell Satan.

Get familiar, HSMC4Life, his hell Satan motorcycle I'm bored right now! and GTA5 is cool. Mario Kackenshin says, Voldemort is a fucking piece of shit. He knows who he is. Horny

Doritos42 says Zayn is the ultimate fuckboy. Alright, very good. So those are the Holdenator shoutouts for this week. How exciting and fun that was. Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man. But I just got here. You were late. Because the fucking white man tried to keep the black people down. No! Why is that?

I'm just so why are the ones that make you late. Yeah, there was no white people on that train. 20 minutes at the J, 20 minutes at the G, I look around and I see no white niggas. I'm like, I know what time it is. It's Oscar Sunday, man.

That's right. White people are busy making guacamole dips right now, getting ready to watch all those white people win tonight. What time is it? Black time! What time is it? Black time! What does that even mean?

That's what was happening on the train! Yeah. I see. Fuzzy blacks! For a moment, for a moment I was happy for y'all. I was like, this is y'all's day. It is. I'm so excited today.

But not no more, man. I'm ear to ear. It's like Easter. Where did the stereotype that black people are always late come from? Do we know? They're always late. Yeah. They shut the trains down on us.

Oh, I see. Institutional racism. That's what that is. I wish that would have happened to the Jews. Well, all right. Leave it alone, Eddie, for Christ's sake. Man, those trains were running on time. All right, all right.

The Nazis, they were very strict. Okay, so I'm Ben Kissel. Irene Morales? Irene Morales. Morales. Morales is here with us. Thanks for being here, Irene. Thanks so much for having me.

You're also a Floridian? Yep. Okay. Very exciting. We have three, four? Four Floridians on the show today? Four. Me and you are the odd men out. Isn't that something?

Holden's from North Carolina, so we got four. Yeah, but he lived there. Yeah! All right. Nobody will claim him. No one wants him. No. North Carolina, raise up.

Take your shirt off. Spin it around your head like a helicopter. That's not what they do in North Carolina. Yeah, and I guarantee you that. That was a big song of the summer. Had they thought of you taking your shirt off, they would have never written that song. That was Petey Pablo, right? Petey Pablo, man.

Yeah. Area codes. Let's move on. Oh, I love love nelly nelly was kind of funny he had a little mole removed there he was always wearing a band-aid was that why he had the band yeah he was mole he had a mole removed how do you know this it's not true i don't know it i don't think that's it i think that is it yeah i'm gonna go say it is it why not and i loved air force ones he wore those shoes yeah So you can imagine. Nelly did it all. Yep. He would dance and sing.

Yeah, barbecues. Yep. All the time. Nelly really lived a life. He's still living it. Those Cleveland girls. Yeah. He brought them on stage right when they got out of their little jail.

It's beautiful. Their personal jail. Ariel Castro. Of course, he had three women in his home for 15 years, and their big reward for escaping was to go see a washed-up rapper. He's washed up! He just got a reality show this Tuesday. That means he's washed up.

As soon as you get the reality show, that's when you're done. Wait, what's the reality show? I want to see it. What's it called? It's just him and his life, man, and it's great. Nelly's so free. Is that what it's called? No.

It's called Topless of Missouri. It's called Nellyville. Nellyville. Hours were better. Sounds like a place where everybody has the gout. Nelly's made no mistakes. That's the problem about the show, though. If there's no conflict, he's just living a great life.

I just don't understand what there is to watch. That's what happened with the, what's his name? Snuff Dog. Snoop Dog. I love Snuffdog. Snoopdog. I love Snuffdog. Snuffdog's the guy that made videos of people getting murdered and stuff. He was in and out of the rap game really quick. I kept seeing a picture of a lion in my head.

I knew he wasn't a lion anymore. But that's why his reality show got canceled because he was having too great of a time. He's just the best. Loved his wife, loved his kids, high all the time, having a good time. That's the problem. Yeah. We don't got to plug it here. He's doing just fine.

But Snoop Dogg News is one of the best thing that's ever happened to the internet. Check it out on YouTube immediately. Snoop Dogg does the news. Oh, he's so, he's the best. He is the best. And he lets his friends have sex with a lot of women. I saw a porno that he did. He lets them?

Yeah. Yeah. He has all of his friends. And then he's like, these are all women for you guys. I paid for these women to appear and to have sex with you. That's awesome. And then he walks around smoking a blunt during the entire porno. Kind of takes you out of it, because, you know, that's not really hot. He's a good director.

Well, he's a busy guy. You know that. Entrepreneur. Yes, he is. He's had like 15 albums. Oh, he's the best. Snoop is the best, right? Coolest person on the face of the planet?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, 15 albums, one good one. Oh, man. But he was 19 years old, nonetheless. Legendary, man. Yeah. We all still try to catch up. Yep.

He sings when he talks. He is just a beautiful man. Beautiful man. Irene, what do you think, Snoop Dogg? He's great. I was just thinking about how he did his own language. He did his own what? Well, you know that. The shizzle-nizzle. Irene, what do you think, Snoop Dogg? He's great. I was just thinking about how he did his own language. He did his own what? Well, you know that.

The shizzle and nizzle. Oh, the language thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shizzle. Hmm. Well, Chris Shizzle. I love him. You know, it's surprising.

He's not my type with the... He's got a tight mouse face. He looks like a dog. Yeah. He's a doggie dog. Is that why he's a Snoop Dogg? Yeah. Doberman Pinscher.

No, I was thinking more like a rat or a mouse, and I still would guess him. Oh, yeah, of course. He's too tall for a rat. Yes, he's not two inches off the ground. How short would he have to be to be not too tall for a rat? Six feet. All right. So here we go.

This is the limit. Ed, you met him, right? You got you. Yeah, I spoke with Snoop Dogg. My life's cool. You smoked a blunt or a bowl with him? A bunch You got you. Yeah, I smoked weed with Snoop Dogg. Yeah. My life's cool. You smoked a blunt or a bowl with him? A bunch of blunts.

He just kept rolling them. Just blunts. He smoked a bowl with him too. Yeah. I smoked a bowl with him. We tried to get Martha Stewart to smoke with us too, but she said she wouldn't smoke before the show. Oh my God.

Hilarious. But after the show, not a problem. I didn't smoke with her, but rumor is she did. Oh, I love Martha Stewart. There was a news story I saw on my Facebook feed the Facebook feed the other day what she smoked weed at the Justin Bieber roast yeah very cool was it a was it a nice dry blunt or did it get all wet he had his he had this Asian guy rolling him for him it was awesome that's perfect right he hired a guy okay I think it's also his manager I couldn't

tell and then and then Justin Bieber's priest that he brings on the road with him, he came in and him and Snoop had a 20-minute conversation about Jesus, and then they hugged while Snoop was smoking the whole time. It was amazing. That's incredible. Bieber brings a priest on the road with him. Can you imagine how jealous every other pedophile priest is on the face of the planet? He gets to just constantly be around Bieber.

I mean, he must be King Priest. He's like 23 now. Well, but no. He gets to just constantly be around Bieber. I mean, he must be King Priest. He's like 23 now. Well, but no. It gives you access. Exactly. There's thousands of kids at that concert. That's right. That's a buffet.

For a priest. Damn right. It's just like Shoney's. It doesn't matter how funny and old the eggs are. Man, I'll still get in it. Look at that. Eggs can only be so old. That's true.

That's buffet talk for the second show in a row. Everyone loves a good buffet lately. And I got a lot of love for Luby's, too. The Luby's buffet. People went on Facebook. In fact, people went on Facebook and said, like, hey, Marcus, Luby's is wonderful. You are right. Everyone else is wrong.

Marcus, is this true? Slippiest buffet. There was a small rumor last night that you were attempting. We did a live last podcast on the left show, and a person said that they overheard you tell a woman, do you want to come back and check out my bone collection? And she was like, oh, I think he was trying to hit on the girl. But in reality, you actually have a bone collection. Quite a large one, yes. Were you trying to hit on a girl, but in reality, you actually have a bone collection. Quite a large one, yes.

Were you trying to hit on a chick, or did you actually want to show her the bones that you've worked so hard cleaning? Both, I think. Very smooth. I'm not quite sure, but I think it was both. If he had other things, he would offer to show those to her,

but he only, unfortunately, had bones. I think it's better than you're like, I got a lot of books. You want to see my books? It's a dusty existence that I live. You do. That's for sure. He lives like a bad guy in He-Man. That's right. By the way, it's

Wren Beach from Muskogee, Oklahoma who loves movies. One man loves movies. Wren Beach. Wren Beach. Wren Beach. And Doug Hart and Gary Schmidt and Robert Perry and Jennifer Robinson. Oh, good.

Robertson. Good diverse bunch there. Luby. Check out Luby's Buffet. All right. It's a terrible name. Luby's. Real food for real people.

Come on down to Luby's. Looks's a terrible name. Lubies. Real food for real people. Come on down to Lubies. Looks like lobbies. No, it's pronounced Lubies. Irene, you ever been to a Lubies? No, but I was just thinking about how it sounds too close to loogies. Oh, yeah. Good boy. I guess it's a hawker.

Yeah. It's a hawker. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. A village in England is mourning the death of a goose that served as the community's mascot for more than a decade. Residents of Sand and Essex were devastated when the goose, who lived in the village for 11 years, was reportedly gunned down in a drive-by shooting. No, they get him. What a good sharpshooter. It's tough to shoot a bird from a car.

Yeah, that's great. But it was stationary reports say two men shot the goose dead from a car window while it rested in a local pond. Nice. And the goose was so beloved by residents during its life that it was featured on the village's welcome sign. I love that. Very loved goose. Really? Just this one goose?

This one goose. Why was this goose so special? They loved it. It was just a wonderful goose? This one goose. Why was this goose so special? They loved it. It was just a wonderful goose. What am I at? Every goose is special. That is not true. No, that is.

They shit everywhere. Don't geese like chase you? They're horrible creatures. They're not horrible. No, they're not. They're just proud. No, they're not. They have teeth.

That's fun. They eat all bread. I think they have a fun diet. No, they shit all over the place. They'll attack you. They're mean. They're loud. Yeah, they. That's fun. They eat all bread. I think they have a fun diet. No, they shit all over the place. They'll attack you. They're mean. They're loud. Yeah, they bite.

They'll ruin your yard. Yeah. They'll ruin your car. This is true. My mom hates the geese. Yeah, but... Okay. Why?

Well, the geese come and they shit all over the yard and then the dog eats the shit. Oh. All right. Goose shit's different, too. It's big. Yeah. It's like big, stringy goose shit. All right.

No, I mean, no, I'm not saying I'm pro-goose poop, but I'm just saying, you know, every animal poops. Most bird shit in the sky and the river, these guys, they come and they... They come down and they pop a squat, like right on the lawn there, and they look at you, read your newspaper and stuff like that. They're vindictive about it. No, Barnett, you know gollin' wolves? We call them turkey ducks. They're big, fat ducks that look like they got turkey faces. They got the fucked up faces.

They are bastards. Yeah, those ones are mean. Those are the ones. You drive by, shoot the fuck out of those. Do you know them, Irene? They're in Florida. I feel like I'd have to see them. Oh, yeah, the ones, the...

Oh, yeah, they're assholes. Oh, yeah, they're disgusting. They are such fucking assholes. They come at you, pecking at you. You're just like, leave me alone, you fucker. They don't give a fuck about nothing, man. I got attacked by ducks one time when I was a kid. I was holding a loaf of bread outside a library.

Why were you doing that? Were you selling it by the slice? What the hell were you doing? That's why he refuses to read. It's bad in dissociation with books. Why were you carrying around a loaf of bread? I was going to feed the ducks. Oh, so you were going to get attacked.

Yeah, I did. They swarmed on me. They started biting me and shit. My mom thought it was hilarious. I didn't get any fucking help. I thought your mom hated the ducks. I guess she likes the ducks when they attack her only child. She hates the geese. She loves the ducks. Oh, I see. Because they attack daddy. Your mom just wanted to make you stronger.

That's the best in that moment. What did you do? Did you feed? Why didn't you just throw the bread far away? I wasn't that smart then. So you just held

onto the bread? They wanted the bread. I was like, you know, kicking and shit and, you know, screaming and ran away. Oh my God, that's cute, Eddie.

The library by me had ducks too. And my brother is like deathly afraid of ducks. Really? And he's autistic but I don't give a shit. I like chase him around with a fake duck. It's pretty is like deathly afraid of ducks. Really? And he's autistic but I don't give a shit.

I like chase him around with a fake duck. It's pretty funny. That is kind of funny. It's nice to have a younger brother. You gotta fucking get it when you fucking can.

I do picture just a bunch of ducks shooting this other duck driving around. That could be kind of fun if you think about that. Yeah, I can think about it. I'm thinking about it.

And kind of fun. I'm having fun. I'm having a little bit of fun. A little bit. Just not that much fun, but kind of fun. Kind of fun. Why did the community have a mascot, though? That's what I keep thinking about. Yeah, they just, I don't know, they just really took to it. Gay Aiton who has lived in San... What? Gay

Aiton? You heard right. Yeah. Gay Aiton. Miss Aiton. Or maybe Mr. Gay can be a man or a woman. Sounds like something that would happen if a gay zombie ate you. You would be gay Aiden. That sounds like we're going to meet the parents. We're kind of having fun.

Yeah, yeah. It's kind of a Jay Leno feel. Kind of fun. It's kind of fun, yeah. Gay Aiden said that the act was spineless. She said it's really shocking. A lot of the villages are feeling very sad, even though he was cursed,

as sometimes you couldn't post a letter without a stick. I don't need a stick. It's English. I think what it is is that she's saying that, yes, we love the duck, but we love the goose, but the goose was mean and hung out around the post office box. And every time we wanted to send out a letter, we had to fight off the goose with a stick. This is great that the goose is dead.

Yeah, maybe a stamp is a stick. Or maybe you couldn't post a letter because you'd nail it into the stick, but there's no stick to nail it into. There's so many different possibilities. Yeah, you've got to keep the goose away with the stick. It's clear as day. You can kick a goose. Right in front of your eyes. You can't kick a goose. have to hit the goose. There's so many different possibilities. Yeah, you got to keep the goose away with the stick. It's clear as day. You just play it right in front of your eyes. You can't kick a goose. You can kick a goose.

No, it's going to bite at you, bite at you, bite at you. I'm kicking him out. You're a monster. I've seen people kick pigeons. That's pretty funny. Oh, I don't like, I love pigeons. I'm a huge, I'm pro pigeon. They get a bad rap, man.

I like them. Why do people hate pigeons? All they do is survive. They dominate. They're resourceful. Yeah, they're kind. They get a bad rap, man. I like them. Why do people hate pigeons? All they do is survive. They dominate. They're resourceful. Exactly. Yeah, they're kind of pretty sometimes. They got the oil slick on them.

Man, I'll tell you what. I thought they were cute. Some of them were laying some eggs over in a window by me. Eggs? They don't lay eggs. Yes, they do. All birds lay eggs. So they were laying these eggs in the window.

And I'm like, oh, cute. We're going to get pigeon little chiclets. And they were cute. And they were were fun and then they just kept getting bigger and they never learned how to fly and they just shit everywhere and it just became this big mound of pigeon shit and they left and the fucking place is a mess. Maybe it's you, Ed. It might be you. Police told the Guardian, the Guardian, the Guardian, the newspaper,

that they are investigating the circumstances surrounding the goose's death. Goose certainly didn't have a guardian. It's kind of fun. Was Eddie being kind of fun too? Eddie was being kind of fun. Are we all kind of being fun right now? No, you're doing more. You're beyond having fun.

You're doing great. Thank you. You're actually being mildly humorous. I'm being kind of fun. Eddie's being sort of fun. And yet again, we've got another number by Jackie called Whoa Whoa. Sounds similar to Whoa Whoa Whoa. My goose is cooked.

Whoa Whoa Whoa. By cooked, I mean shot in the fucking head. All right, and that was Jagi Zabrowski. We're getting some calls lighting up here. I think some complaints are coming through. Well, police said that they may actually have to dig up the body to confirm the shooting. Oh, God. It says a spokesperson for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said,

At the moment, we cannot confirm if it has been shot or not because we would need a body to do that. A lot of rumors have been going around, but if we were able to identify someone down the line, then we would do a joint interview with the RSPCA. The goose was buried near the lake as residents placed gifts near its grave, including flowers and letters from local children.

Jesus Christ. Oh, that's nice. Why didn't they eat it? They don't even know if it's the real bird. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they know it's the real bird. They just don't know if it was.

They haven't confirmed that it was shot. The police didn't take a look at it and put it in the police report. Goose shot. I think it was just goose dead. Right. If they even filed a police report to begin with. Who was shooting out of the car willy-nilly? Was it the cops that killed the fucking goose?

No. What color was the goose? Interesting. Oscar's so white. They're right. Things need to change, man. Man, someone shot Salma Hayek's dog. Yeah.

Do you hear all that? Yeah, someone fucking shot that thing. Why? I don't know. She's Mexican. She's dog. Yeah. Do you know that? Yeah, someone fucking shot that thing. Why? I don't know. She's Mexican. She's devastated. It was probably annoying. What are you talking about?

It's Salma Hayek. Well, that doesn't reflect on her dog. It might be a bad dog, I guess. No, it doesn't deserve to get shot. No dogs deserve to get shot. It was a nine-year-old dog named Mozart. She loved the dog. It was a nice...

That's a good-looking dog. That's a good dog. That's cool as hell. You can't shoot Mozart. She loved the dog. It was a nice... That's a good looking dog. You can't shoot Mozart. Yeah, Mozart. It's very sad. So what did the dog do to deserve to get shot? I mean, she's real cocky about playing the piano. And there's an old tiny guy around. He used to be the best.

He used to be the best. He was trying to learn everything he could from him, right? That's so classic. And he'll always be haunted by the ghost of that dog. They made a movie out of it, and it's called Air Bud. Oh, that's sweet. Air Bud plays the piano. That's nice.

Air Bud 4, Air Bud plays the piano, and it gets heard, and then haunts the ghost, haunts this dude who wanted to be him. Long subtitle for a movie. Love the subtitle for that movie. That is a long. Marcus and I were talking before the show, Animal Oscars. They deserve a show of their own. They really do.

We were talking about the great idea. At least the category. At least the category. People talk about the lack of diversity in the Oscars, but no one's talking about where are the animals. Fucking A, man. That's right. I love this.

A good cat, a good dog. There's always a lizard in some feature film. They're really doing so much more than we are for an animal to act. Totally. That's fully stepping outside of itself. Yeah, but who do you nominate? The goat from The Witch. Oh, Black Phillip.

That's next year. Don't say more. Don't say more. No, Black Phillip, he's in the trailer. That's fine. Yeah, no, I've seen the goat. And can we be honest, man? The dog from Air Budge went every year.

He played basketball. Yeah. And can we be honest, man? The dog from Air Budge went every year. He played basketball. And then later on, it was soccer. And then he was the golden receiver. See that? He's done it all. He's like the Deion Sanders of dog athletes. Kind of fun. Kind of fun.

You know what? You know what's really fun? What? That sounds like pretty great. The Pawskers. They exist. Oh, they do exist. That sounds like pretty great. The Pawskers. They exist. Oh, they do exist. That's great.

Okay. They're the Pawskers. I love this. But that does also, that excludes your amphibians, doesn't it? I mean, there's some good fish acting out there. I think you can include it all. Okay. I think you can include it all.

I mean, you can't teach fish shit, though. Yes, you can. Oh, you can teach fish a bunch of different things. What about Bob? No, you can't. There's a good goldfish in that. You can't teach fish, you can teach fish a bunch of different things. What about Bob? There's a good goldfish in that. You can't teach fish. You can teach fish.

Remember those people who used to wear fish in their disco heels in the 70s? Those fish got taught how to dance. They were prisoners. Oh, yeah. They got taught how to dance. Yeah, that's true, too. You can train a fish to do tricks. No, I swear to God, I've seen it before.

Three ways to train your fish to do tricks. First, you can get it to do finger kissing. Finger kissing? Yeah, it comes up and it... It's trying to eat food. It's not finger kissing. It's trying to eat you. You can do hoop swimming where he swims through a little hoop.

He just accidentally swims through the hoop, though. Yeah, it's number one, find a ring big enough for your fish to fit through. Number two, put the ring in the water. Number three big enough for your fish to fit through. Number two, put the ring in the water. Number three, wait for the fish to swim through. And then number four, reward the fish with a treat. Oh, there you go. You just wait. So every time it swims through, it accidentally swims through,

eventually he'll learn, hey, if I swim through the hoop, then I'm going to get a treat. All right, very good. And then from there you can do obstacle courses. Find pirate's treasure. Oh, look at it there. There's a little video. A little picture tutorial there

of how to train a fish. I hate this. I think I hate fish. Why? I think, I mean, I know. The only thing I like about fish is that they taste good. Yeah, that's a good thing. That's a good thing to like about it. You can't cuddle a fish. You can't really love a fish. No.

You can't really love a fish because the fish doesn't love you back. Well, it's a companion. It's something living in the room that you can say hello to. Get a plant. You can look at it. That's about it.

But you can talk to it if you want. You can do anything with a fish. They're really kind of cool. It'd be better if you didn't, though. No, yeah, you can't do certain things with a fish. I mean, really, I don't think fish have rights. They do have rights. Do they?

Yep, yep, they have the right to swim around and be cute as hell. Yeah, there's fishing laws. I mean, have you seen Blackfish? Sad as fuck, dude. That's about dolphins. That's totally different. Fish what? A fucking whale isn't a fish?

That's not a fish. I don't think a whale is a fish. It's a whale. It's not a fish. It's a live bird. It's a mammal. It's a mammal, yeah. I believe it was a man before I believe it whale is a fish. It's a whale. It's not a fish. It's a live bird. It's a mammal. It's a mammal. Yeah.

I believe it was a man before I believe it wasn't a fish. You guys are crazy. It's closer than that. It's shaped like a fish. It looks like a fish. It talks like a fish. It's a fish. I don't think it really does that.

It's kind of fun. I have to flip this table over. Yeah. No, no, no. No, no. And their whole family, that one part where the mom had a kid whale and the whale was molested by the priests

that were working in the blackfish yeah yeah I remember that story yeah oh yeah yeah

and the name of the and the name of the fish story as old as time itself Ben priests molesting dolphins and whales absolutely

why not they rape but you know what? Fuck a koi. The priest or the dolphin. Everybody hates koi. Everybody does. Except for the Japanese.

Because they say, hey, can we get a volunteer? Everybody in the audience is a priest. They all raise their hands. The volunteer gets up and is like, hey, I got a different show to show everybody. And then they go in and they molest the whale in front of all the little kids. Yeah. It's sad. Every time those whale trainers go underwater, they're fucking that whale for a couple seconds and they come back up.

Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. It's disgusting. Well, there was the one trainer that was masturbating the dolphin. That happens. That did happen. That has to happen. You got it.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got it. How else do you get it to like you? That's what happens in relationships. If you don't get them off They don't like you Hand job specific? I mean any kind of job

It's all a job Mouth, hand, pussy, dick It's all a job You're not on OkCupid anymore That's sweet That's how my grandfather met my grandmother Hand job? Dressed up, he dressed like a dolphin

And then he gave her a handjob. I love that. So a story old as time. Oh my god, I ain't time sold. Alright, a good little Larson love story there. What's a whale? A snail? What do we call a whale?

It's a mammal. It's no sense. They're a fish. They look like a fish. But I don't. They are not fish. Mammals? Mammals. They're mammals.

They have live birth. Yeah. They have hair. No eggs. There's no hair on a whale. Yep. Nope. All mammals have hair.

Yeah, and their nipples. There is no. I can't even believe that I'm having that. Yeah, right below their nose on their upper lip. They all have it. That's a seal. Yeah, Ben from Welfact. That's my ex-wife. Oh, my goodness. They all have it. That's a seal. Yeah, Ben from WaleFacts. That's my ex-wife.

Oh, my goodness. That's a good, that's a funny joke. Now we're having more than kind of fun. This is exciting. What an episode. Yeah. Oh, yeah. WaleFacts.org says, yeah, whales have hair.

It's a bunch of liberal lies. That's classic. That's classic. You gotta get off a red eye. That's your fucking problem. It's warped you, man. Yeah. Everything's changed, man. Everything's changed man everything's changed dad's and we also have hair now no I have terrible hair I'm very upset about we're not gonna

talk about it now oh really yeah I don't like it no it's not good I was saying that because I thought it was bad I was saying is I think it's better it's good yeah I don't like my hair it's good a whole bunch of it. It looks good. Well, okay. That's exciting, guys. Are you going to cut it short and bad again? No, I'm not going to cut it short and bad again. You can bring that stubble back. The stubble was nice. I don't want to bring the stubble back.

All right. So we are having less than kind of fun now. I don't like the fun-o-meter. Well, I'm on it. I'm already doing it. That's what I'm doing today. We're doing the fun-o-meter-Meter. Well, I'm on it. I'm already doing it. That's what I'm doing today. We're doing the Fun-O-Meter the whole episode. So now we're doing it.

Here, fun. Best young animal actor in the Poskers went to a little pit bull named Puppers. What movie was he in? I've never heard of Puppers as a dog name before, and it might be the best name I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah. It was in James Gandolfini's last movie. Oh, The Drop. The Drop, yeah.

He was great in The Drop. Oh, there's Puppers. Thank God. It's got a little dragon on it. Puppers got fucked up in The Drop. They smashed his head in and he lived. Don't say that. Why do you say that?

Yeah, he lived. He lived. It's fine. He's cute. But he got fucked up. They fucked up Puppers Yeah, he lived. He lived. It's fine. He's cute. But he got fucked up. They fucked up. Puppers is crying too. Great little actor.

Why would you do that to him? What the hell happened? Because it was a drama. What? They dumped him in the trash. The bad guy. He hit him in the head. He dumped him in the trash.

It was a whole mess. Tom Hardy comes along. Thank God. Saves his life. Oh my God. Tom Hardy's huge, dude. I love Tom Hardy. Big-ass fucker, man.

You gotta beat that guy up who beats up a dog. That's not right. They might get him in the end. I'm not revealing it. Okay. Puppers. Puppers. Hell of an actor.

Best aquatic performance went to Savannah the Dolphin for Dolphin Tale 2. I didn't see that one. Nothing for Jurassic Park. There were no real animals in that. This raptor goes... I better win it or I'm going to murder everybody in this fucking movie. Get this raptor out of here. Wrap it up.

Wrap it up. The Magical Cow Award went to Tug from End of the Woods. Hey. There we go. Oh, it makes me think of those dumb fucking figurines where the cows are all painted different patterns. You know those figurines? I like that you're so upset about it. Oh, my God.

I hate them so much. My mom has multiples. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, they started in Amarillo. It was a little art project and then they started selling them all over the place. They take a bunch of cows, they paint them and it's like, oh, it's a Picasso cow. Real cow?

No, it's just, it's fake little figurine cows and I hate them. They charge $25 for them. That's not that much. It's too much. For a little ceramic cow? I think that's the going rate. No, it's like 75 cents. Yes, 75 cents. Per cow. Per moo.

All right. Next news story? Sure. Speaking of moos, let's go back to the zoo. Zoo. Zoo story. Zoo story. We talk about animals a lot on this show.

Yeah, I mean, some- Yeah, they're great. Yeah, they're awesome. What's wrong with animals? Nothing. I didn't say that there was anything wrong with them. The follow meter's starting to drop, Ben. Oh, my goodness. We didn't like with animals? Nothing. I didn't say that there was anything wrong with them. The photo meter's starting to drop, man. Oh, my goodness.

We didn't like your tone, man. I'm sorry. Good God. A former meerkat expert at the London Zoo was cleared Tuesday of assaulting a monkey handler in love in a love spat over a llama keeper. Whoa. I like this. Oh, yeah. Here's the trio right here. Love triangle. A I like this. Oh, yeah. Here's the trio right here.

Love triangle. Love drama. Oh, wow. So wait, who? Yeah, say it again slow. Wait, who's fucking what? Yeah. So, yes, a former meerkat expert at London Zoo was cleared Tuesday of assaulting a monkey

handler and a love spat over a llama keeper. All right. So the llama guy's a loser. The llama keeper is actually a man and the other two are women and they're both cute. I would totally have sex I'd be covered in spit. I'd number two on him if he paid me. Wouldn't you go number two? Is there anybody that you wouldn't do that to if they paid you?

President. First lady though. You know, I get you. Do you hold shit on Michelle Obama? Thank God. Maybe I'd have to chase her.

She paid me. She paid me that president's salary. That first lady's salary. She didn't get paid shit, does she? No, she doesn't get paid.

She gets paid. Why? She gets free room in the president's free room and board. They get $250,000 a year. Yeah. You know what?

She should get paid. She does do a lot of stuff. She does a lot of stuff. Yeah, she's got to like talk about books all the time and shit. She loves fat kids. Gotta keep those arms all cut. Yeah, books all the time and shit. She loves fat kids.

Got to keep those arms all cut. Yeah, she hates fat kids. No, she loves fat kids. That was all a lie. That was all inbevs of the world. Coca-Cola's and Doritos. They sponsored her Let's Move campaign. It's nefarious.

It's pathetic. They love fat kids. She does love fat kids. She does love them. Michelle Obama's like, God, she loves us all. Yeah. She's like Kaya from Captain Planet. Oh, yes.

I remember that. What was the element that Kaya represented? She was the leader. The monkey. She was the... No. She turned into a monkey. And when she got strong enough, she'd form with all the other ones.

They'd turn into a big robot. Yeah. I remember that. They'd all turn into monkeys. Kaya was the leader. No, I turn into monkeys. Kyle was the leader. No, I don't think Captain Planet was the leader. Kyle was in charge of Captain Planet. No, no one's in charge of Captain Planet.

You guys don't know what you're talking about. It was an awful show. Kyle's Mother Nature. I thought that show fucking sucked. Yeah, I somehow have forgotten everything about Captain Planet. I don't remember shit about it. It was just... I know the song.

Earth, fire, wind. Yeah, dude, it was such a political message. I don't remember shit about it. It was just... Take illusion down to zero. I know the song. Earth. Fire. Wind. Yeah, dude, it was such a political message. I recognized that immediately. I'm like, fuck off, brother. Yeah, take care of the Earth. Yeah, make a cartoon about Scooby-Doo

and investigating random mansions. Yeah. Or like girls and guys exploring different sides of their sexuality. Yeah, sure. Polyamory. Yeah, polyamory. Love Captainory. Yeah, polyamory. Love Captain Planet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they can go and, yeah, Gaia is awakened from a long sleep by Hoggish Greedly. Whoopi Goldberg was the voice of Gaia. Huh. That's kind of funny. They got stars on the show. They had Whoopi. Yeah. Oh, Margot Kidder was on it.

Who's that? She was in... Was it Killer or something? No, she went crazy. Yeah. Oh, Margot Kidder was on it. Who's that? She was in... She's a killer or something? No, she went crazy. Yeah, she went crazy. Lois Lane from Superman. I didn't know she went crazy. What happened?

No, no. No, that's Clark and... Thank you. Lois and Clark. Yeah, no, no. This is Christopher Reeve, Lois Lane. Yeah, the skeleton type. How did she go crazy?

What happened? I think she's severely bipolar. Huh. It's boring. Bummer. Well, it's actually not boring. No, I just wish it was like, oh, I got raped and slashed and now I'm me. That's what you want her story to be?

Yeah, I think it's more fun. You think so? Yeah. I don't know. Her episode actually happened right coincidentally right at the end of her Captain Planet run. Apparently she had a manic episode and lived on the streets for four days until she was found in someone's backyard with all of the caps on her teeth having fallen out. Oh.

Did she just try to sell them? That's kind of fun. 25 bucks. Yeah, so I think she tried to pop them out, which crazy people tend to do that. Really? Yeah, well, I've never heard of that. I actually had a, well, not really a neighbor.

It was a biker that lived upstairs, and he had a meth head girlfriend named Dee Dee. And Dee Dee, after Pops kicked her out, she showed back up one day asking for some water. I wouldn't let her inside because she said she had just dug her wisdom teeth out with a knife. So she just sat out in the front

yard drinking water out of a hose and then she left. Well, that's kind of exciting. She should get a Posker for acting like a dog. Posker. She doesn't deserve a Posker. She does. It was a great performance. Yeah, but no one had the camera on, unfortunately. Yeah, no one trained her.

Is it only for dogs or did cats? Monkey won. Well, a monkey. There was a monkey that got a Lifetime Achievement Award. Crystal, who is dubbed the Angelina Jolie of Animal Store. Large lips on that monkey. She adopts a lot of children. It's the monkey from the Hangover films.

And Night of the Beast. Is it a gorilla Oscar? It looks like it's not a person. I think it's just a plastic Oscar. It's backwards. If it was metal, she'd beat somebody. Yeah, yeah. The monkeys turn at a certain point.

You can't keep working with them. Cappuccines are fine for life. It's chimpanzees. But they have a certain point. You can't keep working with them. No, and capuchins are fine for life. It's chimpanzees. But they have the AIDS in them. If you open them up the right way, they'll have AIDS in them. How do you open them up the right way? Man, why isn't that televised? It should be more famous. Like the puppy bowl.

Yeah, like the puppy bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think, actually, I think they only had one. Wolfie won for best puppy under pressure. That's kind of fun. That's real fun, yeah. Wait a second. Who won for Planet of the Apes?

It was all CGI. No, there was still a horse, actually. Yeah, Dale was ridden by Caesar. Oh, man. That was Andy Serkis Actually riding that horse Horse named Dale Man I love that fucking Monkey on a horse with two AK-47s

So cool man So worth it I don't think I've ever had a movie ticket be more worth it Than that fucking movie ticket They said hey you're gonna see this monkey Rolling through flames on a fucking horse with machine guns. And I saw the shit out of it, man. You really should have

just played that for two hours straight. Yeah, exactly. It would have been a much better movie than it was. Bring it back. Bring it back. I'm trying to get the guy to rewind the fucking reel. Oh, man. You ever seen a monkey dog rodeos that they do? Yeah. You better believe it.

I gotta go to that shit in real life. We need to have more respect for them in our culture. Monkey dog riders? Just monkeys in general. Absolutely. Absolutely. They've been screaming for years. They're the best.

They're very smart, and they have a lot of emotions. And they have families. I saw this thing, though, in the Look of Silence, one of the killers. He had a pet monkey. Did he? Yeah. Is it legal to have one in the city? I don't think the killers, he had a pet monkey. Did he? Yeah. Is it legal to have one in the city? I don't think you can.

It was in Indonesia. It was during a mass suicide, so I think it was fine at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cute. Cute creatures. Favorite animal, Irene? I keep thinking about the Goliath grouper.

Ooh, the Jewfish. Yo, did you hear about that? What do you mean the Jewfish? Yeah, it's a Jewfish. Do they call it that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very offensive. One fish, two fish, red fish, Jewfish. Interesting. did you hear about that? What do you mean the Jewfish? Yeah, it's a Jewfish. Do they call it that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very offensive. One fish, two fish, red fish, Jewfish.

Interesting. Very good. What about it, though? No, apparently they dumped too much fresh water into a saltwater area, and it died. I just saw it today. Yeah, I didn't know it was its own species. I just thought it was flukes, but there are Goliath groupers, and they're seven feet, and they're 500 pounds, and it're 500 pounds and it's insane.

They're the best. They're so lucky to get. They're worth so much money. Huh. Isn't that 25 bucks? Probably. Probably. 20 grand at least. Yeah, I was going to say.

I love it. To answer your question, 19 states, it is illegal to own a monkey as a pet. New York is one of those. 17 states states pet monkeys are allowed and in four states there are just partial pet monkey bans so like half what do you mean partial you can own monkeys but not apes oh no gorillas no chimps interesting yeah i'm actually surprised yeah i thought it was more i thought you just couldn't have it in general that doesn't sound like all the states. In Florida, 19 plus 17

plus, oh, actually 6. That's still a little different. But that's okay. That doesn't matter. All the rest of them, restrictions may apply. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Florida and Texas, you can own some types of monkeys. For sure. But not others. I remember for whatever reason, just

growing up and just older people used to just be so excited To tell me Yeah man When I was coming up Monkeys Everybody Everybody My grandfather brought my mom

A monkey back From like one of his trips And my grandmother's like I'm leaving That's it He just went He was on a trip And took a monkey back

He was like Dr. Doolittle He'd come back from Costa Rica Like a bird And my grandmother's like You're an idiot From where? Did they get a divorce Because of it?

No They're Cuban They don't Oh that's Cuban Man I wish times Were still like that, man. You could just be out in Costa Rica like, if you were fast enough to catch something, just bring it on the plane.

Bring it back. He caught it. Put it in a bag. Sit next to a 7 foot 500 pound, apparently Jewish fish. That's what they're called. Yeah, in Hawaii, you can have a monkey just so long as you're fully bonded. What does that mean? How do you fully bond?

How do you prove that? It's like a license. Yeah. You have to go, like, take a test to own a monkey. I think that's for the best. That's cute. It is for the best. Yeah, I think taking a monkey test is good to own a monkey.

I want a spider one. Yeah, spider monkeys, they're great. That's the one that, that's Michael Jackson. That was a spider. It wasn't, was it Bobo? No, that was a chimpanzee. it Bobo no that was a chimpanzee that was bubbles mr. bubbles mr. bubbles just bubbles and the spider monkeys though that was what was in a phrase Ventura no no yeah sure or is that a macaque no that was a spider monkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A macaw? Indiana Jones. They ate monkey brains. No, the spider monkey.

Monkey brains. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Bad dates. You know, Indiana Jones, they ate monkey brains. That was a good actor. The monkey was sleeping. Monkey brains. That's good, Holden. And in the movie Clue.

I love it when he does it. Yeah, in the movie Clue, they also ate monkey brains. I just can't have a monkey because I know there's no way I could have a monkey that won't secretly plot against me eventually. Definitely going to try and pop your skin. Yeah, for sure. It'll tear you apart. It's like bubble wrap my skin.

But there's liquids inside. It's filled, yeah. Pop, pop, pop, pop. That actually was a capuchin in Ace Ventura. It was a capuchin monkey named Binks. Oh, very nice. Yeah, he was also in George of the Jungle. Huh.

He should have won an award. Yeah, more successful than Brendan Fraser. That's for damn sure. Actually, all of these are capuchins. Oh, what? Jungle Book, live action.

Oh, yeah. Live action Jungle Book. Yeah, Idris Elba's The Panther or something? Who's blue? Oh, Bill Murray. Oh, nice. Bill Murray's blue.

I'm over it. What? That's perfect. He's going to sing. He takes everybody's girlfriends in Williamsburg. I'm over it. Does he? That's all he does.

He goes to these parties. Bill Murray goes to these parties. These girls show up with a guy. The guy loves her so much. He's so nice to her. Is that so terrible? And then Bill Murray steals people's women. If you were Bill Murray, you'd do the same thing.

Yeah, what's he supposed to do? Who cares? Just be an old man. He should be watching things on television and complaining. He should be having a good time and giving the same thing. Yeah, what's he supposed to do? Who cares? Just be an old man. He should be watching, you know, things on television and complaining. He should be having a good time and giving the world happiness. I'm over it. It's not like you're jealous. I'm not jealous of Bill Murray.

He's close to death. I've got overload. I'm over him. People are always talking yap, yap, yap about him. I don't care. I don't want to hear about him no more. They talk a lot about him? Oh, yeah.

I've seen him in Williamsburg. I'm over Bill. Have you? Yeah, I've seen him. If you spend as much time on the internet as I do, it's just Bill Murray yak yak all the time. Too much Murray. They're obsessed with

Murray on the internet, man. He beat his wife still, you know. Oh, come on. So did John Lennon. He was just having fun. So did John Lennon. Yoko Ono's in the hospital again.

Maybe it was his ghost. Maybe it was his ghost. It was either a stroke or John Lennon's ghost. I forgot to give you a couple of beatingss, didn't I? You know, it gets in there. Pop, pop, pop.

Chapman wasn't, well, I won't say it. Sign my autograph and then bam, blam, blam, blam. So you're sticking up for the guy who killed John Lennon, but not Bill Murray? I'm not sticking up for Chapman. I do understand why he did it. You understand why he did it? I read an article with him. He killed one of the greatest artists of all

time. He killed an overrated celebrity. He was going south. It's probably for the best. I'll tell you one thing. Whatever. He had his reasons. Chapman had some reasons. Everyone's got

reasons. Holding his name after Catcher in the Rye, the holding Caulfield character, that was one of the major motivations. I have a list of celebrities that I keep in my sock drawer. Don't have it. You've got to get rid of the list. Do you honor and you respect, or are these people in danger? You've got to get rid of the list.

It's a secret list, and I'll keep my secrets. Is the name secret or the reason secret? Never shoot and tell, baby. Oh, my God. Terrifying. Terrifying. Well, this is satire. Everything that's said on the show is satire.

Oh, I'm going to murder some celebrities. Kind of fun, but now we're getting into this kind of not fun, too. One more story? Yeah, we could, but what do you think about Lennon? Really quick, Barnett. I mean, he deserved to die, man. Okay, great. All right.

Everyone's on the same page. Irene, your thoughts on Lennon? Sure, yeah. Yeah, cool. God! All right, now we're all... Everyone's on the same page. Irene, your thoughts on Lenin? Sure, yeah. Yeah, cool. Thank you. All right, good. Kurt Cobain? No.

Murdered by Courtney. Murdered by Courtney. No, he wasn't! What are you saying? You're on the wrong side of everything! I'm on the right side! I'm normal person! I bet you wanted John McCain to beat old Obama, didn't you?

Isn't that something, Ed? If they would've had Lieberman, I would've thought about it. Well, that would've actually been a good ticket. Actually, that would've been a solid ticket. I probably would have voted for Ed. 2000 was McCain's last chance. They should have voted for 2000. Yeah, very much would have been a ticket.

I probably would have voted for Ed. Yeah, but Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain. No, she didn't. She's too stupid. No, she hired Il Duce to do it. Oh, no. Il Duce. Il Duce.

Kurt Cobain was a fucking retard who shot himself in the head. That is more offensive than what I said about John Lennon. I don't think both are equally as offensive. No. No. Kurt Cobain murdered himself. John Lennon got killed in the street. How did Kurt Cobain have so much heroism in his system?

He couldn't even pull the trigger. He was too messed up. Oh, come on. And the shotgun shell was to the wrong side of the body and there was no possible way with the way that he died. No way.

There was no possible way for him to actually pull it off himself. Yes. Absolutely. Ben is correct in all this. Ben's correct in all of this. Preposterous.

No one can hold a candle to the talent of Amy Winehouse. If I could bottle that talent up and sell it to the mayor of the world, I would. Oh, I hope that documentary about her wins tonight. Oh, it will. Because it means so much compared to Nina Simone's

life and fucking cartel land. The guys went and fought against the cartel army and filmed it. It was awesome. Cartel land rules. And then Amy Winehouse just got fucked up until she died and she's going to win. Again, more offensive than what I said about Lennon. So I feel good.

Is that more offensive? Because that's what happened. Okay. I mean, she had some mental health things going on here and there. It's because she was trash all the time. I was actually kind of judgy, man. For a guy who has three empty beer cans in front of him. Three?

Is it bad? You are morbidly obese. I'm not morbidly obese. You are morbidly obese. I'm big. Oh, Eddie. No, he's not. No, you're morbidly obese.

Well, you just regurgitated what I said. No, but you got extra weird fat. No, no, no. Morbidly obese, it's a scientific. You would definitely probably be morbidly obese. No, no. The BMI thing, they found out it's not right. Oh.

Morbidly obese is right. Yeah, yeah. Look it up. Look it up, newsman. The BMI measurer is fucking wrong. I was just going to... Don't respond to me as a newsman like that. Don't call Marcus newsman.

No one's calling Marcus newsman. Newsman. Good day to you, sir. John Lennon deserved to have a bullet in his head. Right? Is that how he did? I think you're morbidly obese. Well, Irene, you're wrongon deserved to have a bullet in his head. Right? Is that how we did? I think you're morbidly obese. Well, Irene, you're wrong about that.

It doesn't matter. Beautiful. All right. Kind of fun. Kind of fun here. Kind of funny. You know what's real fun? A segment from Old McNeely.

Red carpet looks. Old cameras. Oh, okay. It's happy birthday, Mr. President. Oh, my God. There's a one. Marilyn Monroe is sucking JFK's cock on the red carpet. The CIA killed Marilyn Monroe.

I'll tell you that. That's true. She had, if I could bottle her talent, I would. Rub it until a genie popped out of it. What are you going to wear on that red carpet? You got to make a splash. You got to make a statement maybe. You got to do something, right?

What are you going to wear? Me, dressed up like Mr. Peanut. Kevin, what's your one? That's it? Jesus. That's sick. I'm going to wear the whole thing. Yeah, hopefully I'll get a sponsorship out of it.

Kevin? Fuck. Oh yeah, you came in late so we didn't tell you what the thing was. Yeah, just fucking all snake skin, man. Straight up snake skin. With the snake eyes on my nipples.

It's fucking sick, dude. It's fucking all spread out. Badass. Rock and roll, man. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wear Lady awesome. That's awesome. Badass. Rock and roll, man. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wear Lady Gaga. That'll be kind of fun. I don't think she'll fit, Ben.

Well, I'll stretch it out, Ed, you fucking bastard. You goddamn tyrant. You're a schmuck and a shithead. Who's morbidly obese? We're going to have our morbidly obese off next week.

Don't even get me started. You know I'm sensitive. Can I interest you in a Rosie O'Donnell? Yeah. You fucking buggered me, you bastard. All right. Good lord.

Wearing Lady Gaga. I like that. Wearing Lady Gaga. Maybe you could wear her like a mink. No, I want to just wear her all around. Oh, yeah. It might be more of a dress type thing. I might not cover my entire body, but I think that that would be very appropriate

considering she wears very outlandish outfits. I will wear the one who wears the outlandish outfits. I like it. I just realized, man, because y'all keep saying that is morbidly obese

which I don't think is fair even if scientifically it does come down to that. He's dense. He looks powerful. I wish we could use as a medical term gorilla body.

That's what I've had. That's the toughest I've ever gotten in my whole life. That's the next thing, yeah. That's true. Fuck I've ever got in my whole life. That's the best thing, yeah. That's true. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my turn. I would wear all leather, and it'd be a Puerto Rican tuxedo. Oh, I never heard that term before. Well, because you're rocking the Canadian tuxedo. Irene all the time. You and I should get together. You wear what your people wear. I'll wear what, I guess, Canadians wear, and it'll be really fun.

Yeah. No, I think all white people, we can go ahead and claim the Canadian tuxedo. I don't want to be white Canadian, though. Mexicans wear it, too. Do they? Well, then I'll claim it. I like what Mexican people do. But if you're wearing a Puerto Rican outfit, does that mean you're going to take

a Puerto Rican shower as well? What is that? When you douse yourself in cologne. I thought that was an Irish shower. An Irish shower is just to piss on yourself. I thought it was an Irish shower. You get hammered, you punch your mom in the face,

you piss on yourself. Puerto Rican shower, they keep cologne in their car because they never go home. Oh, I see. Why don't they ever go home? They're sleeping. They're sleeping in other places. Having a good time. Mo home? I've never heard of that. Well, they're sleeping. They're sleeping other places, you know, having a good time,

movers and shakers, lots of parties. Yeah, they got too much other things to do, so they just tell themselves off. Can't go home. Honking their horns and stuff?

Yeah. Oh, they do love horns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another beautiful night for an Oscar ceremony. Oh, my God. A limo has just pulled up. Who is it?

Oh, it's famous singer Jackie Zabrowski. We hear she is driving her life into the toilet on heroin. Who is it? Oh, it's famous singer Jackie Zabrowski. We hear she is driving her life into the toilet on heroin. Jackie, who are you wearing? What are you wearing? I am thin. I am big. I am fucked.

I just killed this hog, and I'm wearing its skin. Wearing a hog skin on the red carpet. I'm going to make all of the people that are trying to interview me terrified of me, so I'm going to have this big dusks out, and I'm going to make all of the people that are trying to interview me terrified of me. So I'm going to keep charging at them. They'll be like, oh, and then I'll stand up and be like, I'm fine. I love this kind of half-carved in blood. And then I'll put it back on again and be like, don't you come at me. Don't you fucking get near me.

I'm not banking on the woman. The stench of her blood is grotesque. Right, but we have to nix the story because it's about the outfit. Not what she does about the outfit. I mean, it's about the... Not what she does in the outfit. It's about the outfit, but it's also the reason why you have the outfit on. There's no way you're beating snakeskin, brother.

No one's beating snakeskin. I don't know. Keep in mind, snakeskin, my whole outfit is made from one snake. Whoa. Wow, okay. Big anaconda. Yeah, dude.

A really big one, so it's like super expensive. Okay, yeah, that changes things. To be fair, my original idea was going inside of a boa constrictor, but I had to change it up a little bit. Although, Barnett, you ruined me. Even though yours is expensive, Jackie does have, I don't know, the tusks are a nice little...

And it's a good story. We still have to hear from Eddie. Yeah, we still have to hear from Eddie Eddie It's got a little tinkle on it A man has landed via parachute onto the red carpet Oh, it's famous semi-celebrity Ed Larson I'm going to get a tuxedo

I'm going to be classy about it It's nice to be at the Oscars He's going to wear a nice, plain, black black or white tuxedo That's going to make a statement I'm going to wear a nice plain black black or white tuxedo. That's going to make a statement. I'm going to wear a black tuxedo. Black on black. Okay, black on black tuxedo. Oh, wow. That's definitely a statement, but it doesn't

make any statement. It's close to Snake Man. Oh! Yes! I'm proud of you, Barnett. I knew you could do this. I'm really happy about this right now. Notice the one thing we black people got today. You got your fashion sense. And you got your bebops.

I do love a good black bebop. We'll never lose the bebop. Nope. That's one thing y'all can't take from us. Can't take away the bebops. Due to the lack of interest. Oh, my goodness. All right.

So that's this episode of the Roundtable. What an excitement. He popped us out. That's nice. All right. Follow all of us on Twitter. Go to the Facebook page, Roundtable of Gentlemen. You can find us on Twitter at RT of Gentlemen.

Eddie is at Eddie Toons. Jackie is Jack the Worm. Holden is currently not on one, but follow him on Twitch. Holden or so on Twitch. Kevin Barnett is at Fatboy Barnett. Eddie is at Eddie Toons. Jackie is Jack the Worm. Holden Editor is currently not on one, but follow him on Twitch. Holden Editor's so on Twitch. Kevin Barnett is at Fatboy Barnett.

Don't worry about my Twitter. I'm going to follow it on Instagram. Oh, you're doing Instagram. Build this thing up. And know me. I'm on Know Me. What's Know Me?

I haven't made any videos yet. It's a brand new site. Oh, yeah. You can make little videos and talk about shit. What's the difference between that and Vine? Oh, it's actually like,

you know, content. There's as long as you want. And it's own and invented by Mr. Andrew Jarecki. All right. Sounds like something that's going to allow people to have too much interaction with one another. But that's fine. Marcus Parks. You're at Marcus Parks.

Yeah, at Marcus Parks on Instagram. I do it all the time now. Now you're just doing Instagram too. I just do Instagram twice a day and follow me on Spotify as well. All right. Irene, anything coming up for you? day and follow me on Spotify as well. Alright, Irene, anything coming up for you? You can follow me at Irene underscore Morales

on Twitter, Irene Smorales on Insta. You guys have to get on Snapchat too. All the kids are doing it. Nah, fuck Snapchat. It's so weird. Child pornography.

That's all it is. What do you mean why do I say that? It's little kids taking pictures of their fucking titties and throwing them up there for two seconds.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, that's what they do. Well, you can follow me on Snapchat. I'm opening my account now. Ben Kissel 69 sad or something like that. Nothing's worse than a sad 69. Ben Kissel sad 69. Just all slow and no one gives a fuck.

Will you cry on my dick while I cry on your pussy? Oh, please. That's how I was conceived. All right, that's the show. Goodbye. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.