The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 28-29: Secret Bathroom

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

They’re back! After conquering LA, the ‘Fisters have returned to the Round Table. Join us this episode as Kevin fucks up, Ben reveals yet another terrible thing from his past, Ed creates the best festival ever, Jackie stops the whole show in it’s tracks by saying yet another disgusting thing, I school everyone on all things postmortem, and Holden introduces the worst segment ever, Rape Stab Murder. We’ve also got Henry Zebrowski, Jesse Popp, and Kevin’s friend Calvin in the Chuckle Hut!

Oh, it's incredible. I love that shit. I fucking love that movie. It's the best movie ever made. Nonstop jokes. Hell yeah. Street fightin' Jackie. Ha ha ha.

Alright, I think we gotta do prayer, so. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I think so. We should just start it, right? Alright, alright. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Amen.

Amen. That's it? Is that it? You always pause a little bit to make sure he's listening. Oh, that's right. Give the attention. I'm not listening. See, now you wait.

All right, God, what's going on, man? How you been? I miss you, bro. You never come over anymore. You know, we used to smoke doobs and shit. Now you just stay clean, trying to be cool, man. Why don't you fucking come back over? We'll get laced.

You can just peace out for Mary for a little bit. And I'll, you know, I'll blow you. Oh! In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen. Sperm the Lord, sperm. When he does come back, we're all going to stay here. He's going to take the good ones, right?

Isn't that how it goes? I think so. I think so. I would love to smoke a joint with the old big fella. It would be like smoking one of those electronic cigarettes. I bet God gets halfway decent weed. Hell yeah, I should hope so. I think God puts his love in each kernel and nut.

All right, who is on this podcast? Jackie Zebrowski. Oink,rowski, oink, oink. Oink, oink. Ed Larson. Alderman Neely Kalbunga. Yeah, Kevin Barnett, fucked up, fucking up. Kevin Barnett looks amazing. He's somehow blacker and bruised.

He's fantastic. Henry Zabrowski is joining us in the old C-hut. He's doing well. He's on a stretcher. He looks like a 1987 AIDS patient. I'm going to die. He's doing well. He's on a stretcher. He looks like a 1987 AIDS patient. I'm going to die. You're doing great. Jesse Pop.

Jesse Pop, thanks for being here, buddy. Thanks. And a fellow from Florida, right? A fantastic comedian named Kelvin, and he has a last name, but he's going to whisper it to me now. Calvin. Calvin. Calvin. Calvin.

Calvin what? I'm not a temperature. Yeah, yeah. What did I call it? I didn't call you a Celsius Calvin Calvin Calvin Like Calvin and Hobbes

What the fuck am I saying? Calvin You said Calvin I said Calvin Is it milk or is it milk? It's Calvin And what the fuck is your last name? You know what?

Forget about it Fuck your last name And fuck your first name for that matter I'm Ben Kitzel. Marcus Park. Ben, you just... You just fucked with your own. Just name yourself Ben. You can't fuck up that. You did.

It's not like his name is like Mark Cha. Alright, so there are new stories that Marcus Parks is going to tell us. Hello. It doesn't matter. Who knows the news? Marcus Parks is going to tell us? Hello. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Who knows the news? Marcus Parks.

Marcus. Now you're taking my throne of the news guy? Absolutely. This whole thing's a disaster. And Kevin Barnett, you are also very, very bruised and broken right now. Do you want to discuss what happened to your face? Oh, man. You know, just a lot of things happened to my face last night. It started out like last night started out.

It was probably one of the greatest nights I've had in a while, man, and then it was, like, then it just became one of the saddest fucking shit. Did you sex it? Yeah, but was it taken? Is that what it is? Yeah, this is, alright, I'll get into it, man. So this is what happened. Last night I did three shows, right? They were all fucking, they were good. I did a set at, uh,

at Comics on the Main Stage. It was great. I've never done that before. Oh, wow. Great stage. I did really well. And, uh, so then I did another show downstairs. Apparently there was like drunk, like fine-ass girls like looking for me. Like people told me there was a bunch of fine-ass girls looking for you. I missed that, of course, because that's what I do. I don't fuck around and speak to girls. That's so good.

That's just my stilo. And so after that. Like hiding underneath a table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get away from me. I don't want to see them right now. Yeah, so like me and my boy Alex, we were like, all right, let's fuck it. Let's go to the table. Yeah, yeah. Get away from me. I don't want to see them right now. Yeah, so like me and my boy Alex, we were like,

all right, let's fucking go to the village. We went to Lantern and we're chilling there. We told them we got some free

drinks at Lantern. So we were out of our minds. We had with Jude Destiny, he's like, yo, let's go to La Pasha on Ruse. Always bitches in

there, bitches hollering. And Jude's always fucking, so I'm like, all right, I'm gonna do this. Yeah, Jude's a comedian here in

the New York City area. Jude is fucking a lot of butts. He does it all the time. What a good Jew. He's a comedian here in the New York City area. He's fucking a lot of butts. He does it all the time. Holy cow. What a good Jew. So yeah, we go on to La Paz de la Rue, man.

We're there. And I don't know what was going on. For whatever reason, I was on that night, man. It was straight. I was hollering and shit. And there was the finest girl in there I was talking to. What was your best line? I thought you don't holler.

I don't understand. That's the thing. I was like, the past two months, I'm like, I gotta fuck something. I gotta do that. Something. It's been a good minute, man. See, that's the nature of man. I mean, no matter how much you try to not fuck, you have to.

Yeah, yeah. You just have to do it. It's like in the movie, was it Soldier? You know, it's just like your robot is finally remembering his training. You're like breaking through all your, like, the hypnotism. Oh, man. No, definitely. I'm going crazy, too. Burism yeah man no definitely burrito break so you're hollering at this girl this fine ass girl finest girl in there man and

i was just like just straight and like her bosoms they were big man she had a little butt too it was tight it was very slappable you slapped that shit back and forth no she wasn't fat oh huge bitch was her butt bigger than't fat. Oh, huge bitch. She was just like, fine. She was fine. Was her butt bigger than her breasts or her breasts bigger than her butt? I love it when the breasts are bigger than the butt. It was a, both of them were big, man. I was hammered though, but she was fine. So, the other day, I'm talking to this girl and shit.

We like start making out. She's like, oh, I can't do this here. At the bar? Yeah, man. Very un-Kevin. Yeah, yeah, we were making out and shit. I was doing things. I said I was on, man.

It was fucking great. How were your boys doing this whole time? That's the thing. Everybody looked like they were fucking, man. Everybody had girls just like all over. I'm like, this is a great night, man. I'm like, what is happening? Yeah, I'm going there next week. Exactly.

And I felt like it was, it was, because like the day was great. Like, I felt like I was like a star. I felt like I was famous. I was in comics where people was like, you know, it was fucking beautiful. And then like, I go to this thing. And so like, man, she's like, oh, I can't do this here. She's like a photographer. There's like famous DJs she was taking pictures of. And she's like, oh know, it was fucking beautiful. And then, like, I go to this thing. And so, like, my ex, she's like, oh, I can't do this here. She's like a photographer. There's, like, famous DJs she was taking pictures of.

And she's like, oh, I can't do this. She's like, let's go over. I got some shots. I got some shots. That's what did me in. Then she, like, gives me some drink tickets. She's like, all right, just get us some drinks. I had to go back, take some more.

What kind of shots did you guys take? Whiskey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was buying you drinks? Yeah, she had free shit. Now, that's tolerance. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then there was, like, this fine-ass Asian girl, which is my dream.

I never got one of those. Like, that's my fucking dream. Asian photographer. I had an Asian girl in my dreams last night. I was eating her pussy and she was sucking my dick like a fish. That's how tiny she was in my dream. I was like eating her like that. I mean, like, get fucking the gills, right?

Like, gill fucking. She must have been, in real life, she would have had to be like two feet tall to do the things I was doing. So a baby. That's that. I said Asian, right? No, but like two feet tall to do the things I was doing. So a baby. Exactly. I said Asian, right? No, but like this is a different girl. This Asian girl was, I just go to the bar and she was friends with the girl who Alex was making out with. And she comes up to me and she starts hauling and she's like feeling on me and she's like, what the fuck is going on?

Wow, you must have had an essence to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like grabbing, like I was like waiting for the drink. A big titty Asian girl is already like a jackalope. You didn't say she was big tittied. She had big titties? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a dime piece Asian. DPA. That's my shit. Wow. ready like a jackalope like you gotta you didn't say she's big titty she had big titties yeah this is a dime piece asian dpa that's my shit so i'm sitting there like she's like feeling on here like waiting for the drink to come and then she's like starts kissing on my neck and shit and she's like what are you doing after this

and like i yeah i just like the other girl before I just before I got in drink she's like yeah let's get these drinks and then we can go like she was like yeah like let's go to my house we're gonna fuck that was gonna happen she home? Yeah, she had a house, man. An apartment. With slanty roof places? With slanty roof places. But the earth is completely level. And so, yeah, the Asian girl was like...

Let's open up a race. And so the Asian girl was like all over me and shit, and she's like, oh, let's get out of here. I was like, no, I already told the other girl I was going to go with her. And so I go back to the other girl. And then, like, last thing I remember is we were walking out of the bar holding hands to go to her house. Like hands. Yeah, just holding hands.

So she fucking grabbed my hand and shit. We were walking out. And I black out. And then next thing I remember is I'm waking up on a train, cuts all over my hands, swollen lip, and a bleeding mouth. What? Oh, my God. And I was likeep I remember like a fall I don't know what happened exactly I remember falling like on some stairs and just like no form of self-preservation all my hands didn't come out to protect me. Just face into the stairs.

I imagine she saw me falling and saw my face and was like, and just left me. He's not fucking. So what a piece of fucking shit woman, by the way, fucking leaving you. I mean, just understand, I'm unfuckable right now. You can't fuck a dude that looks like this.

I think you're not like a John Rambo. I'm unfuckable right now. You can't fuck a dude that looks like this. I think you're not. You're like a John Rambo. I know. It's the night I opened my face up. Yeah, no, you clean the man up and then you fuck the shit out of him.

I love being when you're that drunk. Yeah, I'm like getting nursed and then getting banged. But no, it was bad.

Like this shit, I mean, I don't know. It's like, no. You should've taken care of you. Fuck this bitch.

You should've gone with that little Asian. Ha, ha, ha. Look at the little pussy on her face. It's all pink and shit. What the audience can't see at home Is that the skin is revealed

A metal exoskeleton It's a gay thing It's bad It's the point like I went to the deli to get a sandwich Did you see it Marcus? Yeah I went to the deli to get a sandwich And the guys at the deli

What happened to your mouth? What happened? It looks like you have an albino under there maybe it's just the lighting but it looks like he's flaking into a caucasian this is just the coat i love that when you're so drunk that when you're falling and your body is just like oh my head can handle this what happened to you man i was like i don't know i don't know man i don't know what fucking happened they're like they were so concerned like they gave me some like peroxide and shit to put on my face like they're like go home man just go home man get some rest don't don't pick

out that you got to get better man you got to get better, man. You got to get better. These guys love you. I know. I don't even know those dudes. They're just so concerned for me. Man, his face is all swole, man. You're a heavy drinker,

Pop. Have you fallen down lately at all? Have you done any other shenanigans? No, no, no. I'm staying upright. I'm straight edge.

Well, I'm happy you made it out alive. But she wasn't on the train with you? I just fucking woke up on the train Wow I can't believe she's fucking embarrassed And you were bleeding I assume Yeah

I wonder if she put you on the train And then just hightailed it Probably That's so sad That's what I would have done if I was her Well that's the thing Once the dick's not getting hard It was like

It was literally like You know It was like You know That shit's not for me I'm not supposed to have sex with fine girls It's not for me Stop my shit It's almost as me. That's not my shit.

It's almost as if, like, for the whole night, like, God just wasn't watching me for a while. He was watching everybody else. And he's like, yo, what? Tell me about the fuck's up. No! The way a mother watches a toddler goes to watch over for 30 minutes, comes back, the kid's putting shit in the light socket. What the fuck are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, fall down! Fall down! This is no, get down. No, fall down. Fall down. This is a result, man. I learned my lesson. I know my place now. I just can't believe this club with all you just walk in and these girls just start

making out. It was insane. All ethnicities. Yeah. This is all a copia of pussy. That's crazy. The image I have in my head is you remember in Beetlejuice

when he goes to the miniature like club on the small table? That's right. That's where you were. You just got to fly, people. I want to talk a bit about this farting. Have you guys heard this story? About farting?

About farting? Yeah, I don't know what farting is. The government in Malawi is about to enact a law making it... The fuck is Malawi? It's an African country. Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly.

All right. It's about... I thought it was in Hawaii, honestly. Is it an African country? He's like, is that somewhere in Connecticut? Oh, Malawi! Yeah, yeah. Home of the brewers. Malawi is about to enact a law

making it illegal to fart in public. Good luck. And in the same bill, they're also making... Rape, still legal, though. Rape, totally legal. In the same bill, also making it illegal to impersonate a fortune teller.

I love this. That's the biggest outlaw in the country, the farting fortune teller. That's the biggest problem they have in the middle of Africa? Yeah. I have a feeling there's suddenly some wedge issues here to tackle the main issues. Never go to Malawi yet. You spend five minutes there, you get life in prison. Oh, yeah.

Biggest farts in the world. That hotel room. No, because he's a gypsy. He go to Malawi yet. You spend five minutes and you get life in prison. Oh, yeah. He gets farts in the world. That's because he's a gypsy. He's a fake gypsy. Oh, man, I'm a fake farting gypsy. I got no chance in this world. I'm not going to leave

your hearing at home. Oh, the poor alien who accidentally lands on Malawi and he's just like, that's my job. I'm the fake gypsy who farts all the time.

Yeah, but how are you going to figure out who farted, though? Well, you know, it's a real... So whoever smelt it... Smelt it. It's written in the Constitution.

I would love to see the dude locked up just wrongly accused of farting. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. I just smelt it. Jesse, how long would you last over there before you got busted by the old two patrol? For farting? Oh, about two and a half hours.

Oh, wow! Especially because a lot of African cuisine is like lentils and spices and dirt and cow's blood. They're hungry, right? Which means their stomachs fill up with gas.

That's why they always look like Oprah. Very, very tubby, but in fact they're very thin. Doesn't that make you fart a lot more? I don't think so. I don't think up with gas. That's why they always look like Oprah. You know, very, very tubby, but in fact, they're very thin. Doesn't that make you fart a lot more? I don't think so. I don't think it's gas. I think it's disease. You know, when you're starving, your body is like,

it fills with gas. Yeah, it swells up. I didn't understand the Oprah reference. Because Oprah's a tubby one. Yeah, but look at... We've already talked about Oprah. She's not fat. She's pretty fucking fat.

She is. She's fine. I love her. That's my kind of... I think she's smaller than She is. She's fine. I love her. That's my kind of... I think she's smaller than Tyra. She probably is. When I say fat... Tyra's got six inches on her.

It's a compliment. Fat is a compliment. Tyra beat the fuck out of Oprah. I don't think so. You don't think so? Oprah wasn't saying. Speaking of real devastation, what's been going on over there, Marcus? Here is some real devastation.

Suicide bomber news. I always like suicide bomber news. Bizarre tale out of Moscow. This is over New Year's Eve. They just found out about this. A woman was going to blow herself up in Red Square on New Year's Eve. And suicide bombers, how they usually detonate their bombs, is that someone will send them a text message on their phone.

So this woman was... Fuck the future. Yeah, fuck the future. You're insane. This woman was at a safe house getting ready to go out to the square, didn't turn off her phone, and someone texted her

Happy New Year, and she just went... That's amazing! Happy New Year! That's crazy. That's what you fucking get. That's what you fucking get. I love it.

What do you think her resolution was? I think her resolution was to die. To fuck up. Just dead. Where was she supposed to hit? Red Square in Moscow. It'd be like Times Square.

I think it was her cell phone provider texting her Happy New Year. Are you serious? Yeah, it was like spam. It was spam? That's amazing. First time spam has helped us out. Saves humankind a little bit.

There you go. How many people do they assume she would have killed? I mean, I guess a couple thousand, right? I wouldn't say a couple thousand. It's a good number. Yeah, I mean, a good number. A couple thousand. Mass casualties, that would say.

No, they're strapped to her body. It's not like it's like, you know, you can't like fill in a car with explosives either. I don't know, she could take out a couple hundred people. If you're a female suicide bomber, and then you blow yourself up, do you get 40 male virgins? Which would be a very awkward, terrible time for that poor woman. Just like this. You all came already? I just got up here

for your 40 virgins and you just came? I'm not even naked. I'm showing you my nose. Being a female terrorist says you can hide as well as underneath your breasts. And then he just looks like a bigger breast. These aren't Muslim terrorists. These are't Muslim terrorists.

These are Russians. Yeah, but they're Russians. Yeah, yeah, Chechnians. They're Muslim, though, right? No. No, no, no. You can't just assume.

No, man, Russians are fucked up, bro. I think that's a fair assumption. Suicide bomber. I think you can assume it's probably a Muslim. I think you're a

suicide bomber racist is what I'm saying. Anyone can be a suicide bomber, Ben. That's true, Ed. Show some fucking respect. The thing about Russia is they have all those big hats.

Just stuffing with explosives. Don't they like the movie Hairspray? Well, don't they have horns on their hats, too? They're like Vikings, too, in some degree. Vikings? With no Nordic skills. Or aquatic ones. Whenever I think of Russia, for some reason I always think of a bear in a tutu riding a unicycle.

An explosion showing off in the background. A man with a pencil-slipping mustache whipping it like, do it better! Russia would be a lot better if that's what it was. That is Putin's porn. Vladimir Putin just loves that fucking bare ass. I gotta say, going back to spam, especially email spam, my spam makes me really sad, because it's all for Viagra and e-harming.

I know, what is that? What is that? It's like, no, I don't need to stay hard. Do I need to stay hard? I don't, like, I'm starting to freak out about it. I want a call that makes me never have an erection. I have nothing to do with it. I don't want a phone. It's like having a semi-automatic in your an erection. I have nothing to do with it. I don't want a phone.

It's like having a semi-automatic in your house. I don't have anything to shoot. But the porn industry would go completely under. That's why it's so creepy. The spam on the side of Facebook is eerily spot on. They track everything about you. It's terrifying. You like guns and motorcycles?

Click this. Or hold it as just four. Do like guns and motorcycles? Click this! Or hold it as just for... Do you have webbed feet and need surgery? Have a bed back and tiny eyes? Get a new face with this new face cream. It's like, okay, I please. Thank you.

Yeah, no, they definitely... I don't even... When you look at the porn sites now, they always... I don't even... There's always... When you look at the porn sites now, they always just grow your cock four inches, and you just have to look at an entire side scroll of dick and balls. It's very frustrating.

Dude, I've had to... What I've had to do now is minimize the window. Because, you know, I'm a porn hover, and over on the side, there's just these huge dicks. Just gigantic. Why do you need to see that? It's like, grow your dick five that? God's like huge veins, like grow your dick five inches.

It's like, I don't, I'm perfectly happy with my dick. I don't want to fucking want it. That's important. That's fucked up when you see an ad on your site that's way more hardcore

than what you're trying to get off to. Yeah. That's true. Excuse me, testing, testing. I'm trying to jerk off to a bachelorette party. We're going to get that. And there's some like gaping to jerk off to a bachelorette party. We wanted to get that.

And there's some, like, gaping anus off to the right, and it's like, I need to fucking adjust my window for this shit. Especially the ones where it's, like, the hardcore fucking, where it's, like, there's one that always pops up on the side of mine that's, like, two lesbians where she's, like, raping her with a dildo. Yeah, girls love it. This is the thing. You remember how we had felt in puberty when you were growing taller?

Can you imagine what your dick would feel like to grow five inches? It hurts. That has to suck. It's like shin splits. If your dick grew four inches, I remember when I grew two inches, my entire body hurt. Everything hurts. That'd be insane. I never thought about it like that.

It would get teeth. It would be weird. It would start to tooth, get extra hairs. And like that, it would be like green. Exactly. Gross.

It would be all just like, it looked like cybernetic, it was like fiber optics. Yeah, just a little cognitive good, just like, I'm gonna do it. You'd probably lose

all your sensitivity at least. I think that's what happens. Do our dick pills work or what's the deal with that? I don't know if they work or not. What do you think, Jesse? Anyone here take dick pills ever? I think if they worked, they wouldn't be in your spam folder. That's right.

You would have to go to that. You would just be a bunch of rich guys with foot-and-a-half-long dicks. Go to the Bunga Bunga room. Bunga Bunga. Apparently the pills in the bodegas for like to keep your dick hard do work remember Jared from Murderfist took one

oh yes Jared that was all of his advice from me those things are intense man I remember those things ruined an anniversary for me blood and failed hopes or something it gets your head all fucking crazy man yeah it's like stackers

for your dick yeah it gets you real crazy in the brain so wait how did it ruin the anniversary oh i was just like a maniac all night it's insane yeah i was like angry yeah i drank too much was that the same anniversary you got food sick was that a different anniversary you got horribly food sick i get food i will and he always gets food sick where's eddie at anniversary? You got horribly food sick, right? I get food... Eddie always gets food sick. Where's Eddie at? He's puking in the bathroom. He must have ate something wrong. No, no, I used to...

No, it's wine sick. Whenever I drank wine, I used to throw up. Yeah. So you just had this rock-hard bone the entire time slugging down wine, puking with an erection?

Not even... Not even. It would go... It was in and out the bone, but it was just fuck with your brain more than your dick. You can't take them, man.

Hate it. An out-of-control boner that you don't want, that was the worst about puberty. I used to get boners all the time. I got a boner in the shower one time with a bunch of guys. That was humiliating. I didn't shower my freshman to junior year of high school. Such a rough childhood.

I don't know why I kept that many boners in there because of high school. Such a rough childhood. Yeah, seriously. I don't know why I kept that game of voters in there, because the water felt so good on my asshole. If they didn't make a shower in front of each other in my high school, we didn't do that. The women had curtains. I went to Catholic school, so there was like five cameras in there. No curtains. There was a priest in the back room. We didn't even have doors on the stalls

in the bathroom. Oh, really? Yeah, we didn't either. Everything was... Wait, Pop, where'd you grow up? Michigan. Oh, wow.

See, I'm from Wisconsin. This is the Midwest. They treat boys like they're cattle. Yeah. You would go in the stall to take a dump and then you just open

to everybody? Yeah, I was going to the bathroom. I went all year trying not to take a shit. Oh, that's awful. Then I finally had to go and I knew it was going to the bathroom. I went all year trying not to take a shit. Oh, that's awful. Then I finally had to go and I knew it was going to happen. It took like 30 seconds

and this guy saw me and he ran outside and he goes, hey everybody, get in here. Some faggot's taking a shit. I know all those faggot shits so much. And everybody ran into the bathroom and they're laughing at me

and I'm sitting on the toilet like, why am I the faggot? That's my worst nightmare. I had to find a secret bathroom I mean, I'm sitting on the toilet like, why am I the faggot right now? You just went to the bathroom. That's my worst nightmare. I had to find a secret bathroom in my high school. They're like, you know what to wait to? I would go to shit in the dance building, man. Yeah, yeah.

Backstage in the dance building. I have an awful story. I went, I was working to, it's a secret bathroom story. I was working to sound for a band show to, it's a secret bathroom story. I was working to sound for a band show. And, yeah, secret bathroom story. Secret bathroom. Secret bathroom. Secret bathroom. No, no, no.

Come in here. So this is a mixture of just bad judgment and other things. I had to take a, I had to take a Supreme dump while I was working sound. Was there sour cream and pico de gallo on it? Yeah! When he said Supreme dump, I was like, that's my favorite dump. It's a chidumpa.

Can I get a soda? So I went to this secret bathroom, which is down underneath the sound booth, and I went down there. It's like where the Phantom of the Opera shits. Absolutely, yeah. In the catacombs.

Every 45 minutes it just flushes, missed return. So it was one of those where it's like I had to run. I had to run because it was super liquidy what I was dealing with. And so I ran to the toilet, and it was just one of those where it's like, I just made it, I pulled out my pants, and you know what it's like What I was dealing with Oh yeah And so I like Ran to the toilet And it was just One of those Where it's like I just made it

I pulled out my pants And you know It's like when I was like I shat like all over The toilet seat At the end of the thing So I'm just sitting In my own shit

You know You don't feel like A big chicken Yeah I'm disgusting Yeah Somebody laid some eggs And so I'm like I'm so relieved

You sit there like Oh thank god At least I did this I'll fucking clean myself up And then Just classic And I look And there's no toilet paper

There's no toilet paper In the thing And so I was like What the fuck do I do Like how do I How do I do this So I was like Okay

Here's my plan I'm gonna take off my pants And I'm gonna crawl Underneath the stalls See no You use your underwear You see I I use the underwear I my pants And I'm going to crawl underneath the stalls You use your underwear I use the underwear I was an idiot

So I crawled underneath the stalls Good god Take off the floor World War 2 veteran I've been in all sorts of nooks and crannies I'm in the middle So I'm crawling through Literally in the shit so I'm like crawling through like all my music is like foxholes yeah literally

in the shit door door opens up uh huh of course um you're just there licking the toilet elderly

you're on your belly just oh oh this is the only way I can cum don't blame me it's God's fault literally

it was a it was an elderly Asian man and his young daughter oh like a tiny little girl I'm a Russian turn down by your drunken shenanigans they brought in there and so my idea was just like literally like play dead they just like laid on the floor until they left

so like they just like left I'm not gonna fix it all up that makes no sense that makes no sense I wish we could contact that Asian man right now and just hear his side of the story. Don't worry, that fat little naked boy isn't dead. That's when you back out. Just staring at you, just back out slowly. I look like I could have been dead

because I was laying face- And shit all over your ass. And shit all over my ass. And all over my legs. This is the saddest- This is the saddest way to go. In this secret bathroom. And you ruined this girl.

You ruined this poor girl for life. Wait, were your pants completely off or around your ankles? No, I took them off completely. But I had my shoes and socks on. That's the worst. I had the same. Oh, my God.

Yeah, our public bathroom was just a toilet in the middle of the room. That's all it was like. It was like the room that you woke up in in the movie Saw. It's like Jigsaw put you there. I shat in my pants one time which was uh humiliating then i was known as shit pants similar situation but i wiped it with my underwear i didn't crawl well there was no stall to crawl underneath yeah just a huge turd in the back here that's never high school is terrible yeah

i got a good high school bathroom story uh so i'm in the bathroom and your... That's never... High school is terrible. I got a good high school bathroom story. So I'm in the bathroom and there's this huge, huge old black kid. I mean, he's like... We had... In your grade? No, he's older. Oh, okay.

But he was at the limit. You know? You can't be any older and be in high school. He's like 31. Because we had to get people from Delray just so our school

had enough black people in it. And so they had to bust him in from the next town. And this guy walks up to me. I call him a guy because he was like 22. Right. And he comes up to me and he's like, yo, man, watch this. And he just starts pissing on some little white kid's shoes. Oh, yes.

I start laughing my ass off. The guy loves me. He thinks I'm the greatest dude in the world forever until he goes to jail for murder. Speaking of not enough black people, I was talking to a very obese friend of mine named Jeanette

from UW Stout. She still does UW Stout? Yeah, she's fat right in. That's a little pun there. Fat right in. She was doing community theater in Eau Claire, Wisconsin a year ago.

They did a performance of Hairspray. But there's not enough black people. There was literally seven black people in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. So they cast Asians

instead. Which was... When she told me that, it was stunning. That's insane. If you don't have enough black people to do a play of Harrison, you can't do it. Do a different play! You're not allowed to. It's just a rule.

We don't have to do Porgy and Bess this year. Right. Do something it's like, Asians are just as black as white people are black it's like they're not black I'm going to have to say

that Asians are less black than white people yes Asians white people want to be black Asians just want to be Asians yeah this is true

just leave them to their devices I mean they got similar noses I guess I mean they got similar noses I don't know they just got stuff yeah it's the most insane and you know I mean, they got similar noses, I guess. Similar noses?

That's the most insane. And you know, they're very liberal-minded about it, so they thought that that was the appropriate action. Like, that was the most... Black people like breakdancing. Asians like breakdancing. Yeah, they probably just scouted it at the local Dave and Buster's as they were playing the game.

No, it's just, black people aren it's just black people aren't white. Asian people aren't white. Black people can be Asian people and Asian people can be black. Yeah. What is that? Ace Ventura. Finkle Einhorn.

Finkle Einhorn. Finkle Einhorn. Asian black. Black age. Well, following up on a serial killer story that we talked about. Yeah! More details have come out about the Long Island serial killer that was killing what we thought were prostitutes were in fact prostitutes.

Really? Even on the beach, right? The beach killer, yes. This man, we need to get rid of that other fellow who was the Craigslist killer. Yeah. Whatever his name was. Yeah. Because this is truly the Craigslist killer. He's killed was. Because this is truly the Craigslist killer.

He's killed four now off of Craigslist. And he's got a type. All of them are under five feet tall and under a hundred pounds. I read about it in the paper. They said, The Snooki-like prostitutes. I was like, can you say that? Is that how famous Snooki is now?

It was the worst. The Daily News had such fun with that story. Of course. Like, they just went to town on it. Like, Snooki's under 100 pounds. Yeah, I was just about to say, he's nowhere near under 100 pounds. But still. So you wonder, is this, so they're all like, yeah, they're all like, I think there was

one who was 105 pounds, another than that all under. So I wonder if this guy is a smaller guy or if he's a big hulking beast who just, I mean, he must throw these women around like ragdolls. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, he has to be a smaller guy or if he's a big hulking beast who just... I mean, he must throw these women around like ragdolls. Yeah, absolutely. He has to be a bigger guy. I just can't wait to find out what the... Wait, I forgot. Does he rape them? It doesn't say. I mean, that's the thing. They don't release

all of the... Yeah, Jackie, don't start masturbating. No, this is the guy who puts up in the prostitutes to find the tinier prostitutes. Yeah, the Russian doll prostitutes to find the tinier prostitutes. It could be a Russian dog. Yeah, the Russian dog. Yep, that's what this guy is. No, not under five feet. I'm close to a hundred pounds, though, I'll tell you what.

You're beautiful. And these remains were all skeletal. Yeah, it happened a long time ago. No meat, no skin? No skin. Oh, the wolf did! The wolf did! Oh, okay, the wolf was driving around. Wait, I thought this was a current one, so they've just

found the corpses. They think he might have killed a lot more people than he's born. I can't believe they just immediately assumed they were whores. Didn't they know who these girls were? Like, didn't these girls have a family? Didn't their parents say, no, my daughter wasn't a whore? This woman has the skeleton of a prostitute. Got them off of Craigslist? How' siblings? I know, my daughter wasn't a whore. This woman has the skeleton

of a prostitute. Got them off of Craigslist? How are they supposed to know that? If they're that decomposed, then how the hell did she get them off Craigslist? Is Craigslist old enough

to have decomposed bodies? That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It's been around for a while. Yeah, they've been doing Craigslist prostitutes. I think so,

because it was like, it was, because I remember looking at it in high school. It was one of the first, like, so. It was because I remember looking at it in high school. It was one of the first social networks. How long does it take for your skin to fall off? Once you start dying, your skin immediately starts falling off. Your body liquefies.

Pulled pork. Yeah, exactly. It is very much like a pulled pork. If you ever watch those investigation shows, they'll bust into the New York City apartment death that nobody wants. You die, and a week later, someone's like, it smells. Maybe old Tallulah died.

And then they watch her. It's literally like a bath of person. Here's what the corner tapped in. It's so hard just talking about it. That's how this show, Joe, Joe's been in the corner for the last hour. 15-year-old Hunter Zabrowski. You imagine taking that human slop and fucking jacking off. in the corner for the last hour. 15-year-old Henry Zabrowski. No, man, all he did was

You imagine taking that human slop and fucking jacking off. No, I can't. I used to hear this coming out of his bedroom, man. He used to read those serial killer books and just be like, Jackie, serial killer. I'm like, get the book away from me. I don't know what you do

with the book. I've grown up a lot. Well, here's something that you might enjoy. Whenever the county medical examiner's office comes to pick up the body and the body is liquefied like that, they have a little thing they call shake and bake. Yeah, I heard about that. They scoop the liquefied remains and all the shit up into a body bag and they pour like kitty litter type substance inside. And then they shake it up so it doesn't leak. It solidifies they shake it up so it solidifies the body. Yeah, it solidifies the body.

But at the same time, they gotta do something. Imagine having to like scoop up like just pussy kind of body weird dead shit into a bag. No spouse I want to be with. What'd you do today, you know? Oh my god, scooped

a brain. I don't know. That definitely recharges Jim's job. I'm the scooper. Scoop a brain. If I was to make a movie, that would be David Arquette's character. Poor best. But at the very least, if you did have a wife who did that,

she would think you were unbelievably attractive. There you go. You're all put together. She doesn't need to shake and bake you. She's just like, you have a sloppy face, but you're no melted skin. Thank you so much, honey. People are passionate about it. They go to school for it.

I did a show one time, and it was just like the entire audience was like morticians and people are going to school for that shit. Yeah, if you ever call hung out with a mortician? They were fucking insane. They were heckling everybody. How do you think I know this? I helped my friend Megan through mortuary school. I helped her study for it.

She went through it and all that. She had to do that once. Did you grab some dead bodies? I never got to grab any dead bodies. But she... No, wait. I can't tell that story. Never mind.

No. Okay, let's just say hypothetically. Hypothetically. I think we should delve into it. I can't tell that story. Never mind. Let's just say hypothetically I think we should delve into it. I can't tell that story for legal reasons. Hypothetically though, so you're working around dead bodies all day you're very desensitized there's a large bosom or penis in front of you you like one depending on

what you're into. A girl can't fuck a corpse. Yes she can. Here's what happens whenever a woman fucks a corpse. Yes, she can. Here's what happens whenever a woman fucks a corpse. I read this. This is not your friend's story. This is from an interview with a female necrophiliac.

Some of the dick comes off? No, what happens is whenever she climbs up on top of the boner and all of the goop, she rides him and all the goop fucking swirls around. That's what I fucking swung around it comes out of his mouth oh yeah like the mung it just starts it's not dead cum it's the like that's its own version it's not gonna actually come so rather come out of its mouth than not come at all. You're good.

You didn't even make a one-off. Jack is a rascal, everybody. And why is it called mung? I had a lot of foster kids who were mung. A lot of foster brothers and sisters. I didn't realize that seems like a very terrible term for the things that come out of your mouth when you're dead. Mung is gross shit

sounding. I guess it's a word you can say if you're a dead fluid. Cowabunga! A mungamunga party.

Mungamunga! I want to talk about that. Bungabunga parties. The Italian Prime Minister's in some deeper

shit than he was before due to these bungabungas. Bungabunga? Bungabunga! Details have been released about the Bunga Bunga

yeah I fucking loved it here's the Bunga Bunga catch up people yeah yeah it turns out it was a five camera shoot the Italian Prime Minister

what is it Brascoloni Silvio Brascoloni yeah he got fucked 74 years old I found which is good for him yeah

and if you add up the chick that he fucked he would be 100, because she was 16, and that was a little math. That was two of them. Nope, that would be 26. That's fine. That was wrong math. But he fucked this chick in a bunga bunga room, and now there's... What's a bunga bunga room?

We'll talk about it. Let me explain. A bunga bunga room. Bunga bunga is a kind of sexual party in Italy. How it's described is one powerful man being attacked sexually by a bunch of beautiful women. What's wrong with that, really? Beautiful girls, actually, yeah. Most of them were like 17, 16.

And he spanks them all around their body and goes, Bunga Bunga. Bunga Bunga, Bunga Bunga, Bunga Bunga, Bunga Bunga, Bunga Bunga, Bunga Bunga. But here's what Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga Room was like. Yes! I can't wait. It had sofas, a pole for strip dancing, where women, most of whom were in nurses' uniforms, would grind up against the aging leader.

One woman described, quote, rubbing him up and letting him have a feel, indulging in mock lesbian kisses and rubbing up against each other. What are mock lesbian kisses? It sounds like these girls got paid and they should shut the fuck up. That's a good point. If the room only had sofas and a stripper pole in it, that sounds like Nick Cage's house. It also sounds special.

It doesn't sound like the women have many options. They can't exactly play Nintendo Wii over there. I was expecting like a slide. A pussy slide. Like a pussy slide. It's never as magical as you think it's going to be. Monkey Cage. When I heard Bunga Bunga Room, I thought like...

Bunga Bunga. Bunga Bunga. That's right. When I heard Bunga Bunga, I. Yeah, munga, munga's a little different. That's right. We don't want to do that. The munga, munga's different. I heard bunga, munga, I thought like... That's crazy. Like all trampolines. All trampolines?

Ceiling floors. Bouncy. Like the whole thing is bouncy. You bounce around the room. Two girls 69 and on top of a trampoline. Yeah. Yeah, with a ball pit. And his heart is not easy for them.

No, no, no. They gotta earn that money. I would imagine he would take care of his hoes better. I thought that was a thing. I think that they were well taken care of, though. I'm sure they were well fed. They got to make out, to eat each other's pussies. Yeah, they got paid a lot.

But also, what kind of... I mean, that's an honor to be able to do that to the leader of your country. Absolutely. If I was able to bunga bunga with Barack Obama... Jackie, you're in the position of being in a bunga bunga. I would Barack Obama bunga bunga Bunga Bunga Bunga all the way into the next election. It sounds like...

It sounds like a pay-per-view event. Bunga Bunga. I feel like you're Bunga Bunga-ing him in a steel cage or something. You'd be dressed like Mick Foley for it, get thrown off the top. Bunga Bunga. Now another woman came forward, though, bunga. So, now

another woman came forward, though, who was under 18, right? And that sort of added more... Oh, and by the way, Italy's doing terrible. Everyone's dying and suffering over there. This doesn't help the Prime Minister. It's no Egypt. There's a second 17-year-old girl coming out.

She's Brazilian. Her name is Iris Berardi. She was 17 when she visited the Italian Prime Minister at his summer villa and palazzo. What the fuck is a palazzo? I don't even need to know. It's Brazilian for awesome place. Ass.

Ass room. Ass room. That's what it is. Good. Okay. Keep going. Yeah. You know, there's a 220-page dossier about the whole Bunga Bunga room and what's going on here. Turns out that they're also reporting that he touched the intimate parts of the showgirls. I would hope so.

Yeah. This is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard. He fucked the bejesus out of the women. That's great. I will say, do you remember when Clinton came on a fucking intern, which is totally standard practice, he's not even out of office yet. It's really like

it's a scandal, but if that would have happened here, I mean, it would have been a fucking... It's over. There would have been pitchforks and burning candles. It's Italy, man. Anything goes a fucking... Oh, no, it's over. There would have been pitchforks and burning cables. But again, it's Italy, man. Anything goes. It's a very sexy, sexy place. They're all sexy.

In Italy, they're pretty much just describing it as a bit of an embarrassment. Just kind of a... He had a little goof. Kind of goofed up a little. I feel like it's not a president's responsibility to card his hookers. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, someone should be screaming he's got to pay someone to do that.

Yeah, no, he's definitely the president. He's like the Motley Crue or the Kid Rock of all prime ministers. Fucking champion. Well, maybe not Kid Rock. Kid Rock hangs out with a lot of Bunga Bunga. Really? Bunga Bunga? Kid Rock? Totally Bunga Bungine. But wouldn't

the president have to radically change political genres multiple times in a decade? Genres? Parties? What? Kelvin, you're saying the words around here he doesn't understand. Let's get back to Bunga Bunga. Say tits real quick.

Tits. Tits-a-bunga. I like tits-a-bunga. That would be something different That's my yearly summer festival In North Carolina Titsabunga I'm a funger

You guys going to Ed's Titsabunga this year? I don't know man it costs $5,000 And four tits $5,000 for tits Two big women with tits. Pop Man, you're the prime minister of Pop Land. And what's your bugabunga going to look like? What would you do to these savage beasts who want to fuck all over you?

It's like a fantasy thing, though, right? Or is it just that? It's just... Well, how do you want to fuck lots of girls? I would call it the pee-pee hut if I was the president. Oh, pee-pee hut. First of all, you could smoke in there. That's nice.

It's like Wisconsin. Yeah, and then, you know, just have some spaghetti. Bitches love spaghetti, man. All of your organs are like falling asleep. They got a good meal in them. They got a cigarette. How many brothers and sisters do you have? I don't think that...

You're so sensitive. ...Burl and Scotty, anything like that. Man, I would go into your bunga bunga room and eat spaghetti, and I'll talk about my brother. At any point, you're going to touch these women, Jesse, or just going to feed them and pleasure them? Yeah, yeah. Via food.

We'll see, man. Make me a prime minister and I'll start designing my own. Oh, man, are you a feeder gainer enthusiast? A what? A feeder gainer. This is a little thing where a fella gets off on the fact that a woman is morbidly obese and he likes to feed her. Got to take care of her.

Like he's a nanny sort of thing. And he's empowered. And the woman's bedridden because she's like a small whale who somehow evolved to layer. He washes her folds, cleans her sores. Absolutely. Everything's a pussy on this woman. I'll say that that's not my thing.

No, that would make sense. That would be the proper response because it's not anybody's thing. Let's wrap this thing up with a segment from Holden McNeil. This is a play off of Murder Fuck Date. It's called Rape, let's wrap this thing up with a segment from Holden McNeil. Alright, this is a play off of Murder Fuck Date.

It's called Rape, Stab, Kill. Mary Fuck Date. It's Mary Fuck Date. It's still like, I think there's not like a positive thing. No, yeah, no.

You gotta kill her, rape her. No, fuck. Oh, no, it's not fucking. The rape is not positive. Yeah, rape is

where the fucking happens. It's like, you don't understand funny. The rape is not positive. The rape is where the fucking happens. It's like you don't understand where my mind is. I understand. We all understand where it is. Rape, stab, murder. You were so beyond a bunga bunga room. They don't die. They're just in a lot of pain.

And they'll always remember that you stabbed them. You can stab them in the foot. You should be doing these people a favor. This is a round table discussion. So we're going to start with John Travolta, Tom's a round table discussion. So we're going to start with John Travolta, Tom Cruz, and Mel Gibson.

Rape, stab, murder. Oh, well, there's not a woman there. Do all of them. Yeah, no, it's three guys. So is that one for me?

Yeah, Jackie, you do it. Well, obviously, I mean, I'm going to stab Tom Cruz because you bet he has like a really good laugh afterwards. You know, he's got that really, really weird ass laugh.

I am going to like rape the fuck out of John Travolta. Really? Because he is. He knows what's going on. He's not attractive. It's not because rape isn't, you know, an attractive thing. That's why I like it so much. It's like it's more about like how much he's going to be shot.

We need to have the audience see Henry's face. If it was my sister, Henry, I would probably have left. Because it's like, John Travolta, I just feel like, you talk about spaghetti, I don't like this segment anymore.

So you're going to rape Travolta, stab Cruz, murder Gibson? But I don't want to murder Mel Gibson. Can you rape all three of them? See, that's what I'm going for. Okay, I'm going to rape all three. I'll allow that. The judges?

Triple rape. Triple rape. Okay. Classic. All right, let's do Natalie Portman. Portman? Natalie Portman, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton. Rape, stab, murder. I just watched that Paris Hilton porno.

Oh. Which, by the way, I never realized how much women hate. No, it's great. How many women hate Paris Hilton? Because I talked to Mara about it, and I was like, baby, I watched the Paris Hilton porno. She fucking freaked. She was like, that is disgusting. I talk about porno all the time,

but women hate Paris Hilton so much, the idea of me being aroused as she's sucking on this rich man's cock really made her upset. What does it matter? No, did you see the real one? The porno where it's just her sucking the dick with her little pigtails and her little better breasts than I thought, by the way.

Watch it on Mflix.com. Are you sure it's her? It's her. I mean, it's totally her. It's definitely her. So I'm going to rape her, which would be fun. So obviously. Obviously.

Natalie Portman, can I just take her out on a nice date? No, you have to stab or murder her. She's a nice girl. You've got to stab or murder her she's a nice girl what if the stab leads to her death no no she's not going to die so just always remember

you stab her you take her out to a nice dinner then you stab her well you accidentally stab her with a fork just a little bit oh no

just like you kind of trip and you fall it's almost cute I'm going to rape Portman I'm going to murder Parrot Hilton but with my conk because she's sucking it

because you should see how she can suck a cock. Yeah, and gag her to death. Yeah, gag her to death and it'll be like, I can't breathe. No, you can't breathe. And then she'll have her

humunga. It'll be her comeuppance. Yeah, exactly. And then here's the third option. The third is Lindsay Lohan. Oh my god. You're gonna murder her?

I just wanna stab Rape Antler. I think I'd rape Lohan. I love her. She's so fucking hot. She is fucking hot. I I'd rape Lohan. I love her. She's so fucking hot. She is fucking hot. I'm going to rape Lohan. I hate this segment.

It's a terrible segment. This game. It's not a game. It's not even a segment. It's nothing. It's not over a game. It's literally Holden waking up at 4.30 this afternoon. Yeah, and deciding how it just started.

You know what the worst part is? Holden, two days ago, he was like, what do you think about this bit? I don't know. It's very original. I'll just love Lindsay Lohan. I'm going to rape Lohan. I'm going to stab Portman.

This is why we're doing the bit. So let's just get to it. Holden, what do you want to do? I'm going to murder Paris Hilton. All right, okay, this is the final one. A banana, the book The Da Vinci Code, and a Smurf. Murder the Smurf. Murder the Smurf.

Yeah. No, what about the Smurfette? Yeah, you've got to rape the Smurf. Oh, I want a man Smurf. Yes, yeah, rape, stab, murder. You can stab to kill a banana. Yeah, you can. Well, you're not going to kill the banana by stabbing it.

You eat it. See, I try to rape the Smurf, but I end up murdering it. Yeah, okay. It's a twofer. Oh, we got ourselves a twofer. And then I'm just going to eat the banana. Yeah, that's it. You murdered the banana, though.

You murdered the banana by eating it. What if I make banana bread? Ooh. Reincarnation. That's some fucking like crazy, you know, theological shit. I get even in on that stuff.

I'm going to rape the book. You're going to rape the book? Yeah, I'm going to fuck the book. Yeah, I'd love to do that. I want to cum all over that book. You're going to get paper cuts on your dick. Yeah. You jerk off on it

and then you put it in a church pew. Yeah. I think I sense the Lord's presence in this bad book. It smells like man. A grim librarian, that's all he does.

Common books and leave it in City Hall. Why is this 500 page book four pages? Thick, thick pages. Stab the smurf, see what color his blood is. I don't think it's going to be red. I don't know if it's going to be blue.

It's going to be red and you're a racist. It doesn't matter. Kevin, do you want to answer any of these questions? No, I don't want to answer any of these questions. All right. I think we're just going to wrap it up. Wrap it up, Kissel! I am!

That's it. That's the round table. Thank you, Henry Zabrowski, for chuckle-slutting it. Jesse Popp. Oh, Calvin. Calvin, you fucking asshole. Calvin, I remembered it. His name is actually Celsius.

Oh. All right. Celsius. Bar-hoot. Hüt, yes. Hüt, yes. Nonetheless, you were great. Thanks for being here and listening

Jackie Dabrowski good racist one we had by the way it wasn't Marcus Parks, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely me and I are off Kevin Burnett, I've been Ben Kissel and that's the round table nice to have everybody back

welcome back I missed everything bonga bonga come over to my house oh chow time Yeah, welcome back. I missed you listeners. I missed everything. Bunga bunga. Come over to my house. Bunga. May Gooster. Oh, chow time.