The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 280: Mushing the Frog

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

John F. O'Donnell joins the gang to learn about the Ihop Robin Hood, some of the worst employee pranksters ever, and to discuss the logic behind falling in love with a dolphin.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Are you nuts? Oh yeah, my civility. Are you nuts? Oh, yeah. My hair stinks. What do you mean? It stinks? Like, it just is very nappy as shit. Oh, okay. It's hard to med.

How often do you wash it? Oh, every other day or something. Wait, do you go poo or no poo? Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. Poo or no poo? You put poopy in it. And how many times do you find nugs in it? Oh, there's a lot.

There's a big thing on the no poop. You got to go no poop. What are you talking about? No shampoo. You go no poop. Human feces. No poop? No, you go no poop.

I wasn't really following you. I didn't follow you every day. I thought you were talking about with dreadlocks. Yeah, I thought you were just assuming that black people have poop in their hair. No, it's not just for black. It's just like a big thing right now that you go no poop. No poop? I don't think you just keep on calling it poo.

Shammy's, I think, would be better. Oh, yeah, no shammy's. I'd rather call it shammy's than poo. I don't know. Shammy's sounds like squirtums. It doesn't even come close. It sounded like squirtums. Squirt some shammy's up in your fucking neck.

How does shammy's sound like squirtums? Shammy's. That's what my head sounds's how I hear chamois. All right. Jackie, you have to pray. Oh, no. You do. Oh, God.

Oh, Lord. I wish that I had no poo in my hair, but I got so much poo in my hair. It's slick as fuck. It's looking great. I don't give a fuck. I got poo. Thank you. Hell yeah, you do. All right. You have very short hair. I don't give a fuck. I got poo. Thank you. Alright.

You have very short hair. You have short hair, Jackie. Yeah, I have short hair and I poo. But there's a lot of people that say no poo for short hair. And you mean shampoo? Yes, I'm talking about shampoo. Not chamois, but it's poo. Because you can also have no poo, which is a weird conditioner for curly hair that you put in your hair. It's called no poo.

Yeah, there's no poo in it. Shampoo's a big scam, right? That's the whole thing. I don't think it is. Shampoo dries your scalp. You shouldn't use it. If you're going to use anything, you should just conditioner your hair. That's right. Jackie, you're here. Eddie? I'm here. I'm here. I'm always here. Living to die.

Jackie's back on jizzy season again. I don't know. You say I'm back on it All right. Living to die. Jackie's back on jizzy season again. I don't know. You say I'm back on it like I never stopped. I did try to put sparkling water in wine and call them whizzies for a while, but it just didn't warn me the way a jizzy does. I agree. All right.

This is the roundtable of gentlemen also, just so the people know. Okay, Eddie, you're here. Holdenators, ho! Too slow. No time for Eddie. Hey, how's it going, everybody? you're here. Holdenators, ho! Too slow. No time for Eddie. Hey, how's it going, everybody? I'm here, I'm here. Everybody.

I've been slacking on my messages this week. I got too many piling up, so no PlayStation shout-outs. Wow, you got too many so no one gets it? I got too many so nobody gets it. So I'm just going to give a shout-out

to my whole fucking ass for fucking being the life of the party 24-7. You can't do double next episode. I can do triple next episode. I can send a lawyer to your house and scare the shit out of you. Why would you send a lawyer to Ed's house? Threaten him with fucking legality. You don't have the money to pay a lawyer to go to Ed's house.

I can get a free consultation. Oh, that's true. Yes, use the free consultation to your advantage. Absolutely. I'll send him to Eddie's place, console his fucking ass. And I'll get a stone to the fucking bone, you'll be on my side. Great strategy, Ed. Thank you.

You know, Ed, always, if anyone comes to Ed's door, he opens the door and blows weed in their face. Doesn't matter who they are. Mailman. Police. It's fine. Kevin, you're here. Yeah, I'm here. You know, that's about it. Perfect.

Any video games you're playing? No, man. Well, I just got The Division. You know. What's that? Oh, it's good. Tom Clancy. You piece of shit.

Is it a book? Yeah, I thought he was an author. Wait, you're reading a book? No, man. I don't read that shit. I didn't think so. No. I did read a couple Tom Clancy things back in the day, but not this one. But Tom Clancy didn't make the video game.

Yes, he did, man. He designed this shit. He's an author. He came up with the game mechanics. He's 85 years old. Tom Clancy is multi-talented. He designed every gun in the game. No, he's dead. I'm saying Tom Clancy's dead. I don't think he is. No, what's the other one? There's one that died. By the way, you call him Clancy. Tom Clancy died

three years ago. Thank you. But he's still making games. That's post-mortem. All right. Well, that's exciting. J-Fod, you're here. John F. O'Donnell is with us from Redacted Tonight. Hey, baby.

Yeah, thanks for being here. Welcome back, baby. I love coming here. Yeah, you playing any video games? No, I'm too busy reading books, man. All right, very cool. Reading the new Jim Crow, it's about how the next level of mass incarceration

for black people has to do with mass incarceration. Oh, I've read that, man. I felt the old Jim Crow. The old one, man. Yeah. That's some good shit to, like, if you were a black person, as I've done with this book,

to read on a train and just stare angrily at people. Yeah, and for me, I do it. I look at black people and I shake my head. I'm like, I get it. You like me, huh? You're not going to rape me on the train. I'm less racist, huh?

I think that kind of makes you more racist when you read it. Well, don't think about it so much. I'm not like, ooh, this is a good idea. You know what I mean? This is a good business plan here. I't think about it so much. I'm not like, ooh, this is a good idea. You know what I mean? This is a good business plan here. I like it. Cheap labor, prison.

God, he just takes that book completely wrong. It's like the book Lean In for Racism. Econ 101. All right. Put him in jail. Pay him $1.25 an hour. Good profit.

Yeah. All right, I'm Ben. That's fucked up. And Marcus, you're here. You got some stories. A waiter at a Brooklyn IHOP sees himself as a folk hero, but his boss says he's a thief. William Powell, 27, said,

I am the modern-day Robin Hood, after prosecutors accused him of giving away $3,000 plus in soft drinks to customers over eight months. They charge the self- Just soda? Just soda. Just give away the soda. That's so hard to give away that much soda.

You have to be like, free soda? Free soda? That is the shittiest remake of Robin Hood I could possibly think of. You also did IHOP. I thought coffee was more what people are drinking, right? Breakfast establishment? No, absolutely not. They charge the soda and pancakes.

That doesn't seem to go together. It is when It's free. Yeah. Yep. They charge the self-styled Robin Hood with felony grand larceny and possession of stolen property. Powell told the cops, I am not stealing. I am serving the ones in need. I take from the rich and give to the poor.

What's the big deal? I've been doing this since I started here. Well, that doesn't make it right. No, but at the same time, anyone that's ever worked in a sandwich like that, like me, how many fucking drinks do I give away for free all the fucking time to my friends? I think that's just what you do. Well, he's doing it to more than his

friends. Yeah, but who gives a fucking soda? I used to give away free ice cream if I liked your face when I worked at Dairy Queen. There you go. Did you touch their face? If you walked in and I thought you were like looked like a decent human being, free ice cream. Guys and girls alike? Oh, yeah, everybody.

Do you discriminate based on gender? No, no, no. Women got more free ice cream probably than men. Yeah, of course. What about children? Because I think that'd be kind of creepy. Sometimes you give it to the child. You never give it to a child.

Why not? It's free ice cream. I can't imagine you looking at a kid and be like, that kid deserves ice cream. I used to give them toys. I give the kid the toys for free. What kind of toys? The fucking Dairy Queen cream. I can't imagine you looking at a kid and be like, that kid deserves ice cream. I used to give him toys. I give the kid the toys for free. What kind of toys? The fucking Dairy Queen toys. You're sick.

You're disgusting. Ice cream is a fun thing to get for free. A soda doesn't even mean anything to me. Well, Powell told the Daily News that his sugary magnanimity. What? Magnanimity? Magnanimity. Magnanimity.

Magnanimity. Switch it out. Magnanimity. Magnanimous. Switch it up. Magnanimity. Magnanimous. I know it's magnanimous. His sugary generousness sprang from a desire to make patrons of the Fort Green IHOP marry men and women. He said, it was me looking out for the community.

There are certain people that couldn't afford the drinks. There was no malicious intent. Me and the owner just weren't seeing eye to eye. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, because he said typically when he saw customers hesitate before buying a drink with their meal pal wound up comping their beverages he said i kind of told him it's not supposed to happen but here you guys go enjoy isn't that kind of funny he gives them the cup i would always give people the larger cups all the return business this guy got for these fuckers sure yeah this

ihop made so much extra money because people came back because the nice guy gave them a fucking soda. Yeah, you make the money off it. It's just a dollar at IHOP, man. I mean, the way that this dude contributes to the economy, you're giving these people these sodas, very unhealthy sodas. You're reading this fucking book. You're charging $12 for fucking pancakes. You can give away a soda. Give away a soda.

Pancakes, nothing. People are getting diabetes from the sodas, right? They have to go and get more doctors. More people get hired. the economy keeps going. You know what I mean? It's perfect. This is great. Well, he debunked any notion that he was doing it to boost his tips or else he would have

given away free food. Restaurant owners. That debunks that immediately. Yeah, yeah. Just totally debunked it. Call up Mythbusters. He fucking solved it. Debunked.

Well, police busted. I like this guy. He's niceunked. I like this guy. He's nice, yeah. I like his writing. Oh, this is daily news. This is solid daily news writing. Police busted Powell on March 2nd. Restaurant owner Arkel Cox.

Yeah, that sounds real. He's an animated cat, this guy. He's not a real person. Arkel Cox? Arkel Cox. A-R-K-E-L-L-C-O-X. Oh, Arkel Cox. Yeah, that's when he gets cool.

He takes off the glasses and he becomes Arkel. Yeah, he goes into the time machine. He goes into the time machine and he comes out as Arkel. He'd reviewed receipts and found that beverage orders amounted to just 6% of Powell's orders compared with the 17-20% logged by his co-workers. And Cox did not return messages seeking comment. Powell, who was released on his own recognizance, said he's worried he won't be able to wait tables again. He said, I really like being a waiter.

I love being a waiter. You can change people's day through jokes and everything. He seems like the best. It is scary. This is him right here. This is him, gentlemen. I'd kiss him. Yeah, right, Jackie?

Look at those lips. You know how hard it is to find a waiter that likes their job? Yeah, especially an IHOP waiter. Nick's hat? No, he's doing a selfie, so it's backwards. Jackie, you get 15 minutes in the room with that guy. No one's going to know what happened afterwards. We're going to flapjack, and then we're going to flapjack.

I hop on that dick. I will say that at least five times. That's very funny. I hop on that dick. Very good, Jackie. That's brilliant. Good work. You're going to go home now, right?

Yeah, I think the show is done I hop on that day I'll tell you, I'm not saying anything funnier than that That's just reality That's the thing, if you're upset about the rest of the episode You can rewind to whatever this minute mark is And have a good time Yeah, she just saved comedy in general

Throw a hashtag before that? Shit. Powerful stuff. A felony is too strong, though, isn't it? Charging me up with a felony for giving away soda? Well, I mean, it's $3,000 in soft drinks, so anything above, what, $1,100, I think, or something like that,

anything above that is grand larceny. And that's a felony. And I'll tell you what, he's going to be stuck in the criminal justice system. He gets out, he can't vote. Mass incarceration leads to the disenfranchisement of people of color. Boom. This guy should be able to fucking vote.

I read a book. Nice job, Johnny. Wait, hold on. I read a couple chapters of a book. You read half of that thing, you just feel more powerful instantly. Oh, God. Oh, I love reading books publicly. It's the best. Oh, God. Oh, I love reading books publicly. It's the best.

I mean, it's just going to... Yeah, you're right. He's not going to be able to vote, and it's all because he gave away soda. Mm-hmm. Ain't rough. And IHOP, man. And IHOP.

Not even a soda place. IHOP that dick. God, that's a funny joke. I love it. So good. All right, Marcus, what else do we got? Let's go to the Gaza Strip for our

next story. I don't even know where that is. Oh, you mean the biggest open-air prison in the world, according to the UN? Stop it! Nelson Mandela called it an apartheid state? I don't know. I'm just saying, he wasn't a total asshole.

This is more injustice from the Gaza Strip. I read an article. I got opinions. 15 tons of Snickers chocolate bars have met a sticky end in the Gaza Strip. Didn't think that's what was coming. in the Gaza Strip. Didn't think that's what was coming. Nope.

Islamist Hamas authorities hurled boxes of the peanut chocolate candy bar into a bomb crater Thursday, dousing them with diesel and lighting them in a crackling bonfire following a company recall. Confectionary giant Mars recalled sweets from its Netherlands factory last month after a small piece of red plastic

was found in a Snickers bar. Three children from a nearby Bedouin encampment managed to snatch some of the chocolate bars before they melted away. It's really difficult to set caramel on fire. Do they not fucking know that? God, I bet it smelled great.

Wait, I'm fucking confused. What? There were 15. This was a shipment in the Gaza Strip of Snickers bars. There was a the Gaza Strip of Snickers bars. There was a recall. 15 tons of Snickers bars there were. They were sent in from the Netherlands? They were sent there from the Netherlands.

So Hamas authorities gathered up the 15 tons, threw them in a bomb crater, and lit them on fire with diesel. For the Snickers bars, I said nothing. Wait, but they were pissed that they were getting recalled? No, they were just getting rid of them. They were getting rid of them. Just because of a piece of plastic?

In one Snickers bar, there was one piece of plastic, and they genocided an entire Snickers community. These fucking people need to be stopped. I agree. That's worse than the ISIS videos beheading Christians. Holy shit. Wait, so. This is nuts.

This is sad It is sad Plastic That wouldn't even ruin your day If you bought two Snickers That's a huh At the most Yeah you're like

Oh shit alright What do you know Then you eat the rest of it That or just rip off The label of all of it You know just like Just hand them out And people just eat them

So that they can't sue you Because like Oh I don't know Where it came from It's the Gaza Strip For Christ's sake People don't live Past the age of 11.

Just take a chance with a Snickers bar. I mean, three children ran into a Snickers bonfire to rescue, or should I say liberate, three heroes. That's right. A few boxes. Three Snickers liberators. Those are the richest kids in the neighborhood. Oh, my God. So cool.

Do you know how hard it is to get shit into Gaza? Clearly, this is an affront to the freedom flotillas that try to bring in much-needed goods into Gaza and oftentimes are rebuffed by the IDF in all sorts of situations when it really is a humanitarian mission an affront to the freedom flotillas that try to bring in much needed goods into Gaza and often times are rebuffed by the IDF in all sorts of situations when it really is a humanitarian mission and maybe a couple terrorists are chilling in the bow. Ben Kissel counterpoint. Open air prison.

Still you fucking AIPAC apologists. It's the American Israeli Public Action Committee and the reality is this, they do not represent the views of mainstream Jews in America yet they have a disproportionate amount of power. All right. I read an article.

I don't understand anything. No, not anything. It was very funny. Benny, come on. What, AIPAC? You know, they're good. I can't be defending all these people all the time, all right? My life is hard enough as it is.

For Christ's sake. All right, Snickers are all dead. 15 guns. Gaza doesn't have any more Snickers. I'll tell you what, if it was ice cream bars, I'd be real upset and semi-violent right now. There's no ice cream in the Gaza Strip. Yeah, that's the thing. There is?

It melts too fast. No, they have no refrigerators. Is that right? It's only infertile milk. Yeah, it goes bad in the desert. Huh. Okay. Goes bad, but it stays frozen if you keep it frozen, but it just goes bad?

No, it just melts anyway. They don't have any ice boxes. They have no refrigerators. Nothing. Yeah. They tried to make ice cream once, but it was all made out of goat cheese. Can't do it that way. That was pretty good.

Here's a picture of the Snickers bars in question being burned. They just have- In the boxes? I mean, it's just... Yeah, just in the box. What do you think? They're going to open the boxes and just throw them?

I just feel like the boxes, is that pollutants, right? They're not worried, I don't think. Hold on a second. Isn't it usually when a recall, the manufacturer takes the stuff back or something like that?

Usually, but they just wanted to... I think they just wanted to... I think they were bored. Wait, we hate the Gaza Strip, right? Or we like them? We like the Gaza Strip. Well, we're... We want it.

It's complicated. It's complicated. When the Jews leave Gaza back, Jesus comes back. Yeah. And then the Christians go fight the Jews on the Gaza Strip. Stop listening. I don't care. Yeah.

It's all madness. I mean, there's a whole story. There's a red cow involved. Yeah, a red cow? There's a red cow. They'll be slaughtered,. Yeah, a red cow? There's a red cow. They'll be slaughtered, and the end of days will start. And if you're a true believer, you get lifted up to heaven. So simple.

This whole story takes place in a bomb crater. Yeah. Gaza, it's tough. It's challenging, you know? I don't want to go there. No one's asking you to go. Jackie, that was a real controversial statement. You know what I mean?

I said it. I don't want to go to the Gaza Strip. Is it tough to get there? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Once you get to Israel you walk over there. How many planes?

It's a strip. Two. Can you like cruise it? Can you like ride the whip or whatever? No, there's a freedom flotilla that get rebuffed by the Israeli military

forces trying to bring humanitarian supplies to the people of Gaza. There's a beach. I know that. Is there an arcade? Yes. I bet there's one.

Like with old games. You have to play with a sultan's child. Isn't that exciting? Oh, the worst. Monkey brains. That's what you think of when you think of a sultan's child? Absolutely. They want to eat monkey brains.

Yeah, and he had a joke. Monkey brains are delicacy. And what trees are they swinging on all over the desert? Monkey brain trees, Ben, I don't know. Bug trees, big bugs that turn into trees. I think a bug turning into trees is hilarious. Yeah, I think bugs turn into trees. They already do that.

They're called stick bugs. You can't climb a stick bug. They found giant ones on an island. I read an article about that shit. And that's what you need to be getting into, J-Fod. Science. You're more fascinating than your political guru nonsense. Oh, we hurt the other people.

I get we hurt the people. We put them in jail. But let's find the stick bugs. And let's find new lands here, here's find, you know, new lands here, here. Oh, I know what a bear thinks. There's no new land. Let's cut off his brain. Let's find some lands

the satellite hasn't deciphered yet. All right, so all the chocolate's gone out of Gaza. Yeah. I just think it's really sad. Gaza's having a really rough time. They can't even have their fucking snicker bars.

I know, they have nothing over there you think an aerial drone you fly it over Gaza that shit looks like a fucking moonscape dude it's fucked up yeah it's a desert yeah no it's a blown up moonscape

it's fucked up craters bomb craters yeah bomb craters shit's challenging a lot of holes for you to dig in Marcus it's kind of fun they're already dug

no you can dig in the hole nah I don't like anyone to do any work for me I gotta start on my own. I'm my own man. Whoa, what's up Ronald fucking Reagan over here? Bootstraps. Rugged individualism. That should have popped. Come on.

It was very good, John. Good job. Next time you want me to react, just hit me like you did. Physically assaulted Ben in order to obtain a reaction from him. Very good. That's the only way I get laughs.

It's just a physical assault after my punch. That was the punchline! It's very good. That was good. Let's come on back to America for our next story. Yeah, I know. I know.

Fuck yeah. This is in Colorado over the course of several years, an Uncompah Gray Valley Water Users Association employee played pranks on coworkers by building and detonating bombs near them, attempting to defecate on them while they worked, and placing bags of his own feces in their lunches. The general manager of the association knew about the employee's behavior and, rather than discipline or terminate him, promoted him. He was taking dumps on people?

While they were working, yeah. Or it says, attempting to defecate on them. How do you do that? I'm a shit on you, I'm a shit on you. He's like, what the fuck? Hey, you're hanging butt off of the second floor. You know, and it's like machines down there. Just running around backwards?

Yeah, yeah. You poop off the top. He would avoid the bombs, and then he would try to shoot them. Yeah, that's how he keeps them in for the bomb. So this guy is getting promoted. He's going to be allowed to vote, not getting a felony operation. Right, right. And the soda hero can't vote.

And I bet this guy's fucking white, isn't he? His name is Aaron English, so I'm... Sounds pretty fucking white to me. Yeah, Colorado, Aaron English, trying to take poops on people. It's a white thing. Yeah, that's a white thing. I'll tell you what, out of these two gentlemen,

which one should not be allowed to vote? Out of him, out of this guy... I think everybody should be allowed to vote. Yeah, everyone should be allowed to vote. Why are you fertilizing things? I'm fine with that. Maybe a flower will grow away or shit. He is a freethinker. Yeah, fertilize my bush. Probably libertarian. He's not taking

a dump on your bush. I don't know. That's my new catchphrase. Take a dump on my bush? Fertilize my bush. Ugh. Jackie, come on. Nobody wants to think about it. No one likes the catchphrase. It's like an anti-catchphrase.

You should try dump on my front. Oh, I like that. Poopa on my front. I like poopa on my foopa. If you had made a rap song in the 90s called Dump on My Front, you would have been a legend right now. Sounds like a hip-hop hero, man. That's a Rex and FX B-side right there, dude.

Dump on my front. Oh, my goodness. Dump on my front. Dump on my front. Man, I love booty music. I miss it so much. You can listen to it right now. I know, but it's the same ones.

It went a little place. It went far away. Yeah. Kind of a click away. Everything's just a click away. Just a click away. Isn't that nice to think about? Very optimistic, man.

That's the most optimistic thing I think you've ever said. I'm an optimistic guy. This dude is shitting all over his co-workers. I mean, that's just fun. He's having a great time at work every day. Yeah, English admitted during the hearing that he pulled pranks on his co-workers for years, including shooting them with a potato gun

he made out of PVC pipe on work time. Jesus fucking Christ. Have you guys ever used a potato gun? Yeah, they can go football fields away. Yeah, we used to shoot cows with potato guns that we built. At a PVC pipe, yeah. Wait, what job was this?

He just worked for the Valley Water Authority. So this is just, I mean, maintenance, like state maintenance type stuff. Yeah, he said that he also detonated bombs on company time with company materials. detonated bombs on company time with company materials. Some of the bombs were set to explode when his co-workers got into a work truck and turned the ignition switch on. He built car bombs

as pranks. I don't think this guy knows what a prank is. This guy sounds like Holden. It's amazing. One time I shot this guy in the face as a prank. I got him. At one point, but nobody has really been hurt by the man, right? It's amazing. One time I shot this guy in the face as a prank. I got him. At one point... What the fuck?

But nobody has really been hurt by the man, right? No, I... He's been having some dookie on him. Well, he testified that in one instance, a bomb exploded with enough force to buckle the hood of a truck, and the explosion damaged his right ear, because the whole reason why this lawsuit is happening is because he was picking on this one guy specifically named Bill Bailey.

Which, by the way, Bill Bailey, also Axl Rose's real name. Isn't that fun? Yeah. Very fun. And actual, the Bill Bailey he's fucking with, actually Axl Rose. Yeah. Working for the Tennessee Valley Authority. Yeah.

But what happened is that, yeah, this guy. That would be a good gig for Axl Rose at this point. Oh, he'd be doing great. Yeah, he'd be doing great. But what happened is that this guy is actually suing the prankster for workman's comp. Oh, yeah. Because he was his supervisor. Yeah. And at one point, the

prankster was disclosing so much information about the bombs and how they exploded that the judge advised him of his Fifth Amendment rights about self-incrimination. Oh, I love it. He's just having a hell of a time. Well. He was just bragging. I think he's just happy that someone finally asked him about his super cool pranks.

Yeah, but he's not looking at any jail time. This is a civil suit? This is a civil suit, yeah. The only felon that we've talked about today gave away soda, and everybody else is just doing much worse things. He got promoted. And he got promoted. Yeah, it's not right.

He's blowing up the water facilities in Tennessee I gotta read this new Jim Crow book truth to it institutionalized racism is real unconscious white supremacy is a thing you know cool black chicks to like me obviously the guy is smart you know so I feel like he's doing something right he's crafty I don't know if crafty is the same thing as smart it was like a comic book villain he's I don't he is not I guess he's doing something, right? He's crafty. I don't know if crafty is the same thing as smart. No, he's like a comic book villain. He's, I don't, he is not, I guess he's not dumb. I mean, he's crafty. I can't make a car bomb. I have no idea

how to make a car bomb. Is he trying to make bombs to a certain level they explode but don't actually hurt the person? It seems like it. I mean, well, I mean, he did actually make one loud enough to, or big enough to, in another instance, he said, the guy that's suing this guy, he said he saw a pipe bomb

explode while English was building it on a welding bench at work. He said the explosion sent shrapnel into the shop ceiling and that English laughed because he was glad it didn't blow his arm off. Yeah, man! That was a fucking big one!

Dude, eggs and almonds, man. He's an artist. He's experimenting. Holy shit, man. That could have been fucked up. I feel so alive. They should make a reality show about this guy. Everybody would fucking watch it.

Everyone would love Aaron English. He admitted to other... I mean, this just goes on and on and on. He filled milk jugs with an accelerant and hid them in ditch banks so when coworkers were clearing brush from the banks using blowtorches, the jugs would explode. That's amazing. He's my hero, man.

He's like the kind of guy, you know, when you're working with cooks and they'll throw a lighter in the fryer or something. It's like those kind of guys. Yeah, you know those kind of guys, Eddie, right? You meet them, you know. Yeah. He seems like a good co-worker. You want to befriend him on the day.

On day one, you befriend this guy. The prankster, yeah. For sure. You always want to be friends with the prankster. Did he do the one? Oh, yeah. My favorite one is where you hold the knife over the guy, right? He's like, oh, no.

And you back him up against the wall and he doesn't see there's a bit of a snake in the wall behind him. A bit of a snake? A bit of a snake and he backs him up against the wall and the snake's like... A bit of a snake. A bit of a snake. Classic.

That is a classic. Funny prank, Holden. That is classic. Classic one. Way too thrilled about your funny prank idea. Yeah, I'm under the bed and whatever, waiting for me to go to sleep. And then? Just go to sleep and you leave.

And then you go to sleep while he... Sleep under the bed all night. He doesn't even know you're under there the whole time. And then when he goes to work in the morning, you... You say, you got kissed by me in the night. I snuck into your bed. I snuck into your house. I hit under the bed.

While you were asleep, I kissed you a bunch. And you fell for it. Now, do they laugh at that point? You're already punching them in the stomach and in the balls By that point you're punching, punching, punching Someone's like, call the police! So it's a home invasion

Very good prank Another one of English's pranks is that he placed bags of his own feces in co-workers' lunchboxes and tried to defecate on co-workers as they worked in ditches. That was his whole thing. Oh, in the ditches. Yeah, they were down in the ditches and he'd kind of hang his ass over the ditch and then try to shit on it. How far can he shit?

I mean, how high up is he? People usually aren't working around the edge of the ditch. You imagine he probably got some, you shit on a sign before. Yeah.

How was the, like, do you have to get on top of it or? I think it was an on top situation. I think I birded it. Like a little pigeon.

If you run really fast backwards and like jump and kind of squat in the air, does the shit accelerate out? You can get some trajectory that way. I feel like you could. If you run really fast backwards and like jump and kind of squat in the air You can get some trajectory that way Feel like you have to shout out a word of power while you're doing it though. Yeah, like what like a Hadouken type thing Oh, yeah, if you shot well that you just shit on your face

You have to time it just right. That could be real bad. Yeah, you could shit and then kick it somehow. That could work. I think the velocity would... Actually, I think that would end up throwing it. If you're in motion and you shit, then it's not going to fall straight down. It's going to go in the direction that your ass is going in. Actually, that's the only way that you could throw a shit

without holding it in your hands. Butt tossing. Yeah, butt tossing. Is that it, Marcus? that you could throw a shit without holding it in your hands. Butt tossing. Yeah, butt tossing. Is that it, Marcus? Can you Google butt tossing? Does it exist? I think it's going to mean something else. Oh, yeah.

I think you're right about that. Good point, Eddie. Definitely don't Google it. Also, we're all assuming a certain level of texture and hardness here. Well, you would have to have probably actually a lot of Snickers in your diet. Get a lot of peanuts in there. Butt tossing. Usually it all comes up, nothing specific butt tossing came up.

It's all salad tossing. Buddy sexual stuff. Buddy, ooh, celebrities who admitted love eating ass. Oh, Ben Kissel on there? Yeah. It's mostly, no, it's just Chris Brown. Oh, okay. Chris Brown.

That's how I got the last name. Menegesti? Ms. Menegesti? Ms. Menegesti? Does anyone know who Ms. Menegesti is? Oh, no, no, no. Nicki Minaj. That's what Perez Hilton calls her. I don't like Perez Hilton.

No, no one does. No, that's a pretty bold statement. He's pretty crude, and he's pretty rude. Who's drawing on pictures? Yeah. Trey Songz loves it. Three songs? Trey Songz? From Naughty by Nature? No wait, Trey what the hell was Trey? Who was this guy from Naughty by Nature? No that was uh, Trench. Trenton. Trenton. Trenton. Trenton McGillicuditty. That's right. Trick Daddy. Oh, look at that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

But he's got gold teeth. Wouldn't that kind of get him? He's a Dolphins fan. Is he? Yeah. Pitbull. Pitbull really into it. Yeah.

The rapper in one of his lesser known songs, I Wonder, he said, I'm not a hot boy. I'm a hot man that'll eat your ass till you say goddamn. Oh, wow. That's why he's so famous. He's worth over half a, I think just under half a billion dollars. Really? Yeah, he's so rich. He's crazy.

Yeah, he's got a liquor now. He's got like a vodka or something out. Good for him. He's one of those dudes. No, that's 50 Cent. Well, it is 50 Cent also. 50 Cent's broke. 50 Cent's broke.

He's not broke, man. That's a lie. Also loves getting his ass eaten. Who? 50 Cent. broke. He's not actually broke. He's not broke, man. That's a lie. Also loves getting his ass eaten. Who? 50 Cent. Getting his butt eaten. Yeah, he said on Howard Stern, he said, I was getting a blowjob, then she just went further than she had to.

And thumbs up. Oh, we've got an inside source. Vivica Fox. Vivica. They eat out 50 Cent's butthole. She's so old. Isn't this? Well, I guess old school.

That's so chill of her. I mean, she'll sex. She'll sex, you know. Huh. Who knew? I guess you get into certain things after you've been shot. He's just sex. Who knew? I guess you get into certain things after you've been shot. That's a good point, Ed. Nothing really matters anymore, does it?

You've seen that. He's been shot seven times, so he must be a real freak. Was it seven or nine? By the way, it was seven. It was nine. Okay, we've got an inside source in the studio nine times. Nine? Thank you, Sonya.

We have a younger lady listening to the show, and she has all of the information. Younger lady. Was it all nine in one? Younger lady. It's like we're keeping her off the side just so we can look at her. It's like a weird genre of porn. Younger lady. Not young lady.

I'm not agreeing. You're younger. But younger than older. 31. 31 and a half. Between 30 and 32. Right. Younger lady porn. I like that younger lady.

Was 50 Cent shot all nine times in a row? One time. A one time event. Nine, son! He got it all out. Nine. Lance Armstrong loves getting his butt eaten. Isn't that, if he sits on it all the time with the bike, it must be sore.

All that chemo, that sounds dangerous. Yeah, but he uses all those drugs. Yeah, he does. Why was Lance Armstrong so demonized for using drugs, though? Who cared about the Tour de France before him? I think people were more upset that he dated Sheryl Crow for so long. And that he vehemently denied it for so long. Who cares?

I'm so pro drug enhancement. He's a dickhead. He is a dickhead. I mean, like, when he got cancer, the woman stuck with him, and then when she got cancer, he left her. Oh, is that what happened? He's a shit. He went into a veterinarian clinic, and he beat a dog to death with his own penis. I heard about that. Yeah, He's a shit. He went into a veterinarian clinic,

and he beat a dog to death with his own penis. I heard about that. With a bite clock. Yeah, and he was putting his balls in its mouth, saying, like, isn't this a funny thing to do to a dog? I think it just says one ball, doesn't it? That was the first time I liked him after he did that. Then I was like, oh, now I get this guy.

Got to brought it back. The dog had a great time. Except for the fact that it had all its teeth ripped out right anytime a dog gets any sort of sexual affection

from a human that is a big move for the dog that's like really that's a really that's like a you know

it's like the Cindy Crawford of dogs like a big up I'm gonna say humans are much better at it than dogs are yeah I don't know

undulation of the mouth dogs dogs have to Yeah. I don't know. Undulation of the mouth. Dogs have to finish or they can't, you know. They don't call it human style is what I'm saying. All right. Let's move on before Jake gets fired. That was a good one. Come on.

Come on. I'm getting hit, so it must have been a good one. Yes, Jake. I actually always say let's have sex human style, and it always upsets the person. So gross to think about. That is a bad line. Yeah, that is a bad line. Let's do it human style this time, baby.

What have we been up to? Holden screws like a lizard. Lexi lays down on the floor, and then he lays on top of her, and then eventually he's like, are my. Yeah, we secrete for four days. On my ex-genu. Yeah, four days. That's when I take a week off. That's when you know I'm doing it.

Yeah, you shed your skin. Yes, exactly. She hangs it up, dries it out, makes a purse out of it. Oh, man, she could sell that on Etsy. Oh, yeah. All right, Marcus. Why are people not making more stuff out of skin? We all talk about it, you know?

Out of human skin? Yeah. Well, I think there's a whole thing about that. We should. I mean, I suppose if I die, you feel free to make pants out of me or whatever you would like to do. Thank you. A whole bunch more of the pants. Well, yeah.

You get a whole fucking clothing line if you fucking. You could clothe all of the children of Gaza. I'm just going to make one long ass bandana, man. You got to call it a bendana. Goddamn, Jackie. Again. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. Something has displaced.

I hopped that dick. Bendana is the new supreme line of the podcast. Really impressive episode. Jackie, you're a fucking episode Jackie You're a fucking hero You're a fucking comedy hero Thank you I would totally shit on your bush Thank you

It's called fertilize my bush Fertilize Fertilize Oh that type of fertilizer I was confused Dump on my front Not in the back Dump

Dump Dump on my front Dump on my front, not in the back. Dump, dump, dump on my front. Dump on my front, not in the back. White people thought they ruined rap before, and now it's officially deceased. All right. That's exciting. It is true.

Well, back to the story. It's true. The prankster fucked with the plaintiff so much that the guy had to actually go to therapy to deal with it because he absolutely would not stop. He turned headgates on and off because, you know, they all work for the water company. He said that he turned headgates on and off and altered the flow of water to customers on Bill Bailey's water routes. Action I love it.

Action that Bailey claimed made it appear as if he were not performing his job correctly. This guy is a master. I'm sorry. I'm starting to love him more and more. He just turned off people's water because they were like,

on this guy's route. This is hilarious. It's beautiful. This is what happens if Dennis the Menace just never stops. Yeah. He mastered it.

It is like a Jim Carrey character come to life, isn't it? And then not only that, but this guy, he was actually the guy's boss. He just fucking fired him for no reason. Like one day,

out of the blue, he said, all right, I'm done with you. You're fired. Get out of here. Fired Bill Bailey? He fired Bill Bailey, yeah. Is he still fired? Huh? Is Bill Bailey still fired?

Yeah. He said, Aaron Englert said he admitted in testimony that he thought Bailey was a good employee and had, quote-unquote, high hopes to move him into the shop as a head mechanic. And Bailey later received a letter indicating he had been fired for insubordination. Oh, my God. I mean, I understand why he's suing him. I think he should definitely win.

But I also think that English is just absolutely the best. He's a genius. He's a genius. Right here in America, huh? Do we have any pictures of this guy? No, we don't. You know what? I think it's better left to our imagination what he looks like. He looks like a dragon in my mind.

Of course he does. A dragon with spider's legs. That works at a water treatment facility in Tennessee. He can climb on the ceiling. I can picture a bow tie button-down shirt, nice pair of gray slacks, and, antenna shoes. They can climb on the ceiling, yeah. I can picture a bow tie, button-down shirt, nice pair of gray slacks, and then tennis shoes. I think that's what he dresses like.

Prankster shoes. I put him about 20 pounds overweight. You think 20? I think he seems thin. He's a control freak. No, I think he's just a little bit overweight, but he's just kind of weird about it. But all that running around, setting up traps.

That's the thing. You think he has big gauges in his ears no no he's not a big guy he's got a gel in his hair yeah he's got rat faced no i think he's got i think he's got a puffy face red face i think he's drinking yeah red face from drinking yeah he's a party boy i think he's gotta be a drinker wait so he looks like ed larson looks like me yeah yeah he's a party boy. He's gotta be a drinker. Wait, so he looks like Ed Larson. Looks like me. Yeah, he's a jukebox kind of guy, probably. Jukebox kind of guy. The Mexican jukebox? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, after

Bill Bailey testified, and after Aaron English testified, they brought in the head supervisor, both Aaron English's boss, and when they asked him whether setting off explosions near employees was a fireable offense, he said that it depended on the quote-unquote severity of the explosions. Oh, my God, I love it.

Tiny explosion, no problem. Big boom-boom, you got to go. That's a big problem. You got to look at nuance in these things. And when asked whether putting one's feces in a co-worker's lunch was a fireable offense, Fletcher testified that, quote, there are always pranks. Boys will be boys. Yeah, he said, I've seen this happen before in different places.

Well, they shouldn't have left their lunch out. They know Aaron English is on the trail. He testified that defecating into a co-worker's lunch was not a fireable offense. And he testified that defecating towards another employee in the field is also not a fireable offense. Really? What the fuck? But could be if continued. We all blew shit up when we were kids, though.

I think this guy is in his mid-30s. You know what I think it is, dude? I bet Fletcher's one of these guys that English is the cool friend, even though Fletcher's the boss. Sort of like in Big Lebowski, the dude and the dude's landlord kind of a guy.

They're all actually mad at me as friends. Man, Fourth of July must be like the purge for this guy. What a day. Hell of a day. Oh, my God.

English. I love it. That would be a great prank to just tie your shit to a firework And just let it fly up All over the whole city That's probably what he does Are you enjoying this? Not anymore Or just like the simple act of tying

A little cup of your shit to a balloon And just floating it off Cause the little kid's gonna see that at some point And be like mommy mommy let's bring the balloon down simple act of tying a little cup of your shit to a balloon and just floating it off because the little kid's gonna see that at some point be like mommy mommy let's bring the balloon down you know just to get it just be like all dreams are bullshit and like it wasn't like a love letter it was just like a bunch of human shit yeah actually you could totally do that yeah you put the shit in a cup you tie the cup to like three or four helium balloons, you set it off, eventually it's gonna pop

and fall. Or at least you get a pellet gun. Yeah. Or a real gun. And just hit the town. Ingresses it into that kind of shit. Yeah, man. When asked Thursday whether he still thought the feces related pranks were not fireable offenses, the

head supervisor said that he did not that he had not changed his mind. He said, I don't agree with it at all. It's totally uncalled for, but I don't know what all led up to it. I know it's got to be a competition thing who could up who with these pranks, but

however, it does seem to be that there was no retaliation from Bill Bailey. Yeah, it seems like there was no retaliation from Bill Bailey. Yeah, it seems like there was no other pranksters around. So it's like, who could want to poop when only one person's doing it? I think people that aren't even trying should get fired. He said that he believed that Bailey participated in the widespread pranking behavior, but now that he got his ear fucked up or whatever,

he's trying to back out and be a pussy about it. That last part, I think that's what he thinks. Very interesting. He does believe that Bailey participated in the pranking behavior. Marcus, what was the biggest bomb you ever made? Biggest boom boom. Inside of a frog? No, no, no.

It had to be bigger than that. No, no, no. Well, I participated in the building of a pipe bomb with the same guy that I built the potato bomb with. I wasn't around when he detonated it. When he lit it off, though? Yeah, when he lit it off. That sounds terrible. Yeah.

And what elementary school did he blow it up at? No, he just did it in his field. Oh, not a school. Oh, it's Texas. It's nothing but space. You can blow up whatever you want. Oh, any schools, yeah. You don't want to mess with the dirt.

Oh, we could put a school there, but there's already a tree. No, I'm not a big bomb guy. You weren't? No, not really. It seems like you were a bigger bomb guy than most people, because you did have an experience that you just immediately remembered about how you participated in building a pipe bomb. No one else. You never went? No. Really?

I won't. I say no. I never participated in building a pipe bomb. No one else. You never went? No. Really? I won't. I say no. I've never participated in building a pipe bomb. No? No. I grew up in Jersey. We were much more like a kind of pipe bomb.

Yeah. I feel like Florida and Texas. See, I'm more of a straight up fire guy. Yeah. More dangerous. You don't need to get, I don't need bombs.

I don't need to go through all that rigmarole. Just light it. No, but we drew a lot of comic books, though. Yeah, it's just like making bombs. You shot the potato gun, though? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How fast did that potato go? Oh, that potato will fucking zoom. We used to make it in our science class. What? Yeah, we made a potato gun in science class. Fucking Florida educational. Are you we made a potato gun in science class Florida educational you never know when you're gonna have to learn how to make a potato gun I mean just so we're on the same page you're talking like you know the 8 inch PVC pipe I was longer than that it was like no I mean like 8 inches

around yeah yeah yeah put a potato in it goes like fucking 300 yards yeah yeah we did the same but we didn't use potatoes they used something else because we were trying to be different man you're florida too i forget what we put in there but i know like we were supposed to shoot it like a specific amount like you had to like hit it like you had to like hit like it was supposed to go like 300 feet or whatever it was but then mine shot like all the way to the other neighborhood or whatever like it was part of physics class and i was like yeah, yeah, I was happy, but I failed. Did you do the thing where you unscrewed the back and then sprayed the hairspray in

and then put a little... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even know anything about... And this was actually in school. No, no, no, no. Mine was a fun summer project. He said his was in school for physics class. Yeah, Eddie and...

Oh, man, I would have been so much more into physics if I got to shoot potato guns in a certain trajectory. They always blew shit up in science class. Yep. Yep. Well, I couldn't dissect a frog. Why not?

Were your hands too big? No. There's no idea. Nailed him. Nailed him. You were supposed to dissect it, but you just beat it in the mush. I ripped it apart. Oh, no. That's good. That's good. I got you. I ripped it apart! Oh, no!

That's good. That's good. I got you. I got you. Not cool, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Very good.

You did, yes. Now you are hitting me again, though. Tell him I did good. Tell him I did good. You did good. Ben got kicked out of every science class. For mushing the frog. Mushing the frog.

You fucking grab the beakers, it just breaks and your big stupid hands can't grab them. Sure. All right, kind of an exciting time. Very good. Very good. We got one more story before we get to the segment. This one's out of the Netherlands.

No criminal case will be pursued against workers at the Dolphinarium. What the fuck is going on in the Netherlands? Sounds like my kind of joint. Yeah, the Dolphinarium in Herjewijk. After an accusation was made alleging a lurid sex crime was perpetrated against a dolphin there. The investigators determined that no criminal act took place following the broadcast of a video showing a dolphin being masturbated by a human. The prosecutor said in a statement,

the sexual act with the dolphin is performed in the context of training the dolphin for the release of sperm as part of a breeding program. The act was conducted by a scientist in the context of scientific research that focuses on this breeding program. Abuse of the dolphin was alleged by the television program Rambam. Rambam?

Rambam? Rambam. Yeah, yeah. The video footage was obtained by a Rambam worker who got an internship at the Dolphinarium. In addition to claiming illicit sexual crimes against the mammals took place, the program alleged that the dolphins are kept in small tanks for lengthy stretches of time with over-chlorinated water. The facility operates officially as a zoo, but the television show Rambam says it is run more like a circus. I think the bigger problem here is

the conditions of how they're living, not getting jerked off. That's the only release they fucking got. Yeah, they love jerking off. They jerk off elephants at the zoo. They jerk off all the animals. You gotta keep them steady. We all do the same things to ourselves, right? It's not like he was swallowing it.

That's a good point. I mean, let's be honest, too. Dolphins are sexy as fuck. Yeah, as far as water animals, they're probably the sexiest. Maybe otters, too. If you have to fuck some sort of sea creature, what is your go-to? I mean, I'm going to have to have sex with a sea creature that can win Super Bowls. So, Dolphinon.

That was a Dolphinon. You can get rid of that one. I was so in my own world trying to come up with a segment, all right? Don't talk to me right now, John. I'm sorry. You've got like three minutes. I got it now. Holdenators, no.

Please. I deserve it for that one. I'll have sex with a fucking swimming dog. Am I back? Did I get back? I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry for imposing on you. Sorry.

All right, John. Yeah, swim with a fucking dog, John. Fuck off. Don't ask me ridiculous questions. What are you having sex with in the water? Don't ask me ridiculous questions on this comedy podcast. A seahorse? What are you doing in there? Yeah, a seahorse. I'm going to fuck a seahorse. Okay. That's the ridiculous question. What do you have to say to him in the water? That's the ridiculous question on this comedy podcast. A seahorse? What are you doing in there?

Yeah, a seahorse. I'm gonna fuck a seahorse. That's ridiculous. Be fucking realistic. A big one, a man-sized one. Oh, I'm gonna see a seahorse.

That's gay. We're not gonna take this seriously, Holden. I don't even know where to go from here. If you're gonna ride on the back of it, you get horny enough

and rub on the back and get off on it. I mean, that's obvious. What, are you gonna fuck a crab that'll fucking cut your dick off? Now, Marcus or Ben,. I mean, that's obvious. What, are you going to fucking crab it or fucking cut your dick off? Now, Marcus, or Ben, I think would know about this. What's the deal between the CIA? Is this when

you just ask a bunch of questions? No, it's related to the dolphin. Alright, alright. The CIA or something was giving LSD to somebody that was living with a dolphin where there was like halfway water within the house and the dolphin fell in love with the person and then was making love to the dolphin and then the dolphin

was really getting really horny so then they started jerking off the dolphin or something. They had a relationship. They had a relationship. They did have a relationship. I don't know the specifics. Do you know about this? I have never heard of this. Marcus does not know about this. Marcus knows about this. I know about it. I can't know everything. Well, I mean, I think you should like that I think you know about this.

I do like that, yeah. Still illegal, though. Do you know about it? Well, sure. People I think you should like that I think you know about this. I do like that, yeah. Still illegal, though. Do you know about it? Yeah. Well, sure. People fall in love with animals all the time. Yeah. Yep.

Horses, mostly. Yep. Yeah, but I love a guinea pig. Guinea pigs are cute. Give me the noise. Oh, give me a carrot. I fucking love guinea pigs. Oh, my God.

Do guinea pigs just speak English? Yeah, they talk to me. And that's why I fuck the guinea pigs. Oh, okay. Man, I can't imagine all my goop all over the back of a guinea pig. Yeah, man. That'd be one goopy guinea pig. That's so gross.

You might as well throw it in a bucket of fucking, I don't know what, milk? Yeah, sure. they would probably like it CIA gave a woman acid to get fucked by a dolphin CIA is having a bunch of fun It was a woman, but I don't think they gave her drugs I think she just fell in love with a dolphin I heard the story

She just loved the dolphin She was trying to teach the dolphin how to communicate with humans So in her communication studies and how they communicated, she fell in love with the dolphin. She bribed it with sex. She bribed it with sex and learned how to talk with it through sex. The LSD was involved. I don't think it was. I don't know if LSD was.

I think I heard, yeah, there was. I heard about that. I don't know if the government was involved. The CIA was giving them LSD. Marcus, what do you got on this story? Well, Peter the dolphin was just six years old when he fell in love with a human. The bottlenose dolphin met research assistant Margaret Howe just as the free love movement was emerging in 1965. Howe was supposed to spend ten weeks teaching Peter English words,

but Peter was more focused on getting to know his teacher in a different way. As he was, quote-unquote, sexually coming of age, Howe said, Peter turned hot for his teacher and fell in love. Howe and Peter's star-crossed love story is the focus of a new BBC documentary, The Girl Who Talked to Dolphins. Sounds like more than just talking. Yeah, who among us wouldn't be powerless

to that sweet, sweet dolphin dick? I'll tell you what, I'd want him to be a little older than six. That dolphin story's got its own fucking television show? Yeah, that's what I heard about it. Dr. John C. Lilly, the experiment's leader, flooded a sun-drenched remote location in St. Thomas with seawater 22 inches deep.

Howe had a desk suspended from the ceiling and a hanging mattress protected by a shower curtain, which Peter loved to splash water at for attention. Hal's lesson started immediately, but Peter quickly proved to be a bad boy. She tried hard to get Peter to... This is New York Post, by the way.

She tried hard to get Peter to greet her in the morning by saying, hello, Margaret, but he had trouble with the letter M. Instead, Peter had something else to greet her with. About four weeks into the experiment, Hal wrote in her diary, Peter has become sexually aroused several times during the week. I find that his desires are hindering our relationship. He jams himself again and again against my legs, circles around me, is inclined to nibble,

and is generally so excited he cannot control his attitude around me. That's like a penthouse forum. Yeah, jerk that shit. You got a good voice, Marcus. Oh, thank you. Peter may not have been the only one smitten, though. This is further writings. That relationship of having to be together sort of

turned into really enjoying being together and wanting to be together and missing him when he wasn't there. I did have a very close encounter with, I can't even say a dolphin again, Peter. Wow. Well, very nice.

I'm happy they found love. Marcus, as you know, in Peru, there's dolphins that are all pink. I mean, that's like all vagina. That's ridiculous. From a certain point of view, yes. Little sea piggies. Yeah, all pink stuff is vagina, man.

Bubble gum, vagina. Pink balloons, vagina. That's all vagina. All vagina. All right, now it's time for a segment from old... If you stick your dick in it, am I right? Now it's time for a segment from old McNeely. Funny pranks.

That's the segment? We've all fallen victim. We've all been the perpetrator. Honestly, I shouldn't have to go. I already gave two, but I'll give another one because you're all fuckers. Yeah, man. Okay, so this is the scenario. Can I give us a scenario?

It's a coworker. Marcus is the manager. Okay, Marcus is going to decide who pranked the new is the scenario. Can I give us a scenario? It's a co-worker. Marcus is the manager. Okay, Marcus is going to decide who pranked the new guy the worst. Okay? What's the new guy like? He's, you know, he's a little quiet, keeps to himself, you know. Is he fat? You can tell he's kind of ready to jump out of his shell.

Do you want him to be fat, Ed? I mean, it's easier to make fun of fat people. Okay, so we'll be fat. Do you need him to be fat, Ed, to feel good about yourself? Is that what you need, Ed? In this fictitious world? What else do you need? Do you need to have Down syndrome, Ed, so you can feel alive?

Is that what you need, Ed? What else do you need, Ed? Are you working? Is he working on it, though? Or is he just happy to be fat? Oh, he's got to be working on it. It's not funny to call him fat. If he's accepting it, who cares?

Right, he's trying to eat better, but he slips. Yeah, yeah, right. If he's accepted it, I mean, who cares? Right, he's trying to eat better, but he slips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, so my funny prank is this, right? I convince, like he's, by the way, he's clean

and so I've never tried anything. He's trying to get into it, though, right? So I convince him to smoke weed on the job, right? Yeah, everybody does it. You gotta smoke weed. Everybody does it. And we all,

we would all do it at this job, right? Because it's like a gas station or something right so we're all something whatever it needs so i'm the manager of a gas station some marcus would own a fucking a fucking a string cheese shop you know much rather i'd rather own a gas station i don't want to get into food at all yeah i'd be an amazing gas station we have a. We have a barbecue shop in there. A fucking, a vape zone you can step into? If you want to, but I'd rather focus on the barbecue. Okay. Gas station barbecue, all-stop shop.

It is good, yeah. There's, no, there's one back home. It's like the best barbecue around. What kind of jerky are we talking about? Oh, we have venison jerky, deer jerky, and regular jerky. Venison jerky is deer jerky. And you can bring, you can hunt and kill your own meat and bring it in, and they'll cook it up for you.

If you want to. All right. So anyways, and also get cats. Get cats. Oh, I thought you said get cats. Get cats. Yeah, there also is a cat room you can hang out with cats for a little bit. Ooh, you should call it Dino Bones.

Oh, Dino Bones is pretty good. Dino Bones is good, or Boner's Big Fun Gas Station. Either way, whatever we call it. We're going to call it Boner's. We're going to call it Boner's. Definitely Boner's Big Fun Gas Station. Either way. We're going to call it Boner's. We're going to call it Boner's. Definitely Boner's Big Fun Gas Station. That's the only place I get my gas in barbecue. Let's just

short it up. Boner's Big Gas. Boner's Big Gas. There's taxidermied animals all over the place. Alright, either way. Fucking gas station aside, right? I can feel you guys so fucking There's taxidermied animals all over the place. All right. Either way, fucking gas station aside, right? I convinced you guys so fucking...

I convinced you to go out back and smoke weed with me finally. I'm going to be like, Marcus hates it when we smoke weed on the job, but come on, you've got to do this. You're not a new member of this gas station employee-ership. So you go out back. He's like, this weed tastes funny. I'm like, how do you know what weed tastes like right

he's never had it before and then after a while when his eyes are all big and fucked up I'm like that's not weed that's crack right

and then he's like and then he's like oh fuck man you know what I'm saying I pull out a gun right I hold the gun up to his head I make him suck my dick

can Holden just win the prank off? I think Holden wins. Can we just give up? Yeah, I don't want to do it anymore. I give up. No, Holden wins the prank. I mean, I can't. Holden wins the prank.

Can any of you guys top that? No, Holden wins it. Oh, wow. Okay. Beer came out of my nose. Yeah, it's a very nice gas station Unless someone feels like they years since I made fuck Was cool about that holding it that's such a I gotcha

Completion oh sure well, I mean, I don't know what he's going to do. He might run away, you know? He might bite my fucking dick off. He's like, crack high. I might freak out. I might run away. I'm probably high on crack, too. I have to smoke it also, probably. Yeah, you do.

The one other thing maybe you can throw into the mix for this is because he's very kind of culturally isolated. You tell him for the first day of February for Black History Month that the only way to respect black people is to show up to work in blackface. You say, everybody, the whole thing is going to do it. The whole thing is going to do it. You get him there, get him high on crack, put a gun to his head, make him suck your dick.

And then everybody will be like, oh, he deserved it. He wore blackface. Perfect crime. You get away with it. Oh oh, he deserved it. He wore blackface. Perfect crime. You get away with it. No. Good addendum. Wow. Good addendum.

Wow, that's a great addendum. Yeah, that's double prank. He can win. Actually, I mean, really, it's triple prank. Triple prank. He can have 20% of my victory. He gets 20%. All right, 20%.

I got your exit strategy, bro. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're still a hero. Can I do one exit strategy, bro. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're still a hero. Can I do one? Sure, absolutely. We go to his house and we take all his pants. We just set him on fire.

In front of him or does he just come home? No, he's got to come home and see the fire and maybe the backyard will be fucked up. Right. All right, brilliant. I got one, I got one. All right. When he finally finds love. Right. All right, bro. I got one. I got one. All right. When he finally finds love. Right?

He finally finds love. He finally meets a girl that accepts his weight and everything. Accepts his weight, all that stuff. And you know what? They want to bring

a little baby into the world. Right. They want to get together and they want to create a life together, a little baby in the world. What you do is you sneak into his house every night

right before he's about to make love to his wife and you take a pin and you poke little holes in his ball sack so his sperm starts falling out. You never make a baby.

Yeah, out of the prostate. Right, whatever. No, okay. I've been physically abused. It's like Thanksgiving and all his family's there and then you know all his family's over and then you just bust in the door real busy, take a bucket of water

and you throw it right in the middle of everybody and it's there all over the food all over the food all over the food all over the turkey I'll fucking tie his

asshole shut and keep feeding him and feeding him alright well we'll end it with a Method Man reference that's this week's round table

I think for Thanksgiving we should call it Indigenous People's Day because a lot of really fucked up things have happened over the years. Alright, alright, you're done. Cut his mic. Find J-Fod.

John, where can people find you on Instagram, Twitter, all that stuff? Yeah, let's just go at the real J-Fod. Watch Redacted Tonight, youtube.com slash redactedtonight. That's great. And Jackie is on Twitter at Jack the Worm. Are you doing Instagram? Hell no. Okay. Eddie is at Eddie Toons. Yeah.

And anything else, Eddie? Yeah, my Instagram. Do my Instagram. I need more followers. Eddie Toons. It's the same shit. Oh, Eddie Toons. And watch the character special

on Netflix, Henry Zebrowski. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's in it. And he stars in it. That's right. It's called Henry Zebrowski, the episode.

The episode. It's titled that. It's the third one. Never heard of him. Don't know it. It's called Henry Zebrowski, the episode. The episode. It's titled that. It's the third one. Never heard of him. Don't know it. It's Twitch Holdenators Ho is the username. Lexi loves Game Night every Monday night from 9 to 11. We are up to episode 11.

So very soon you'll be able to watch Lexi playing Final Fantasy VII for a full 24 hours straight. Wow. How's she feeling about that? She is starting to mildly enjoy the game. That's great. Kevin, you're on Twitter at FatBoyBarnett. Yeah, FatBoyBarnett. Same Twitter, Instagram, all that.

Okay, that's exciting. Alright, I'm at Ben Gissel, Marcus Parks is at Marcus Parks. That's it, Marcus, right? We're done? Oh yeah, Instagram, at Marcus Parks. It's good. Talk to you soon. Good night. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.