The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 281: The Wedding Edition

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

Keith Malley and Chemda from Keith and the Girl join the gang to talk about their religions backgrounds, alligators that have grown way too big, and thieving nuns.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility.

Eddie, I believe you're praying today. Yes, I am. Screech on the grave last week. Yeah, I did. I got a whole many revolutions until I pray again. Are we ready to go? Are we ready to go? Is the chat up and running?

The chat's up and running, man. All right. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Dear white Jesus. You always do it Spirit, amen. Dear White Jesus. You always do it to White Jesus. I miss him. I miss White Jesus. He's my favorite of all the Jesuses.

And I just want to say hello. Wait, you're not White Jesus? No, no. He's Fat Jesus. Yeah, we all know that. But White Jesus, how you been? Come on down and see me. You don't fucking call anymore.

I miss you. And, you know, go Dolphins. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Don't call it bad until it's over. Yeah, don't curse a prayer until it's over. Or you get 18 years and no pussy. Yeah, you get pussy mites.

Well, that seems about accurate. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. We know Ed's here because he just had a terrible prayer. Come on. It wasn't a good prayer. He said, go dolphins at the end. Dolphins aren't going to win. There's no possibility of that happening.

That's the whole point of prayer, you asshole. Nah, seemed very stupid to me. But, Jackie, you're here. I'm here. Earlier, I was wiping my butt and I found a feather in there. Really? Yeah. How do you think it got there?

I don't know. I think someone's been plucking in my bit. Maybe you're changing. I don't know. I think it's fine. If I turn into some kind of chicken or something, I'd definitely be killed first. I could feed a lot of people. Right.

Okay, so there is a truth to the story there is a thousand percent truth okay where do you think the feather actually came from i mean i guess my comforter this is so easy you sat on a down pillow the feather went through the pillow thing and through the pants i had no pants on i had nothing on i mean yeah i don't nap with clothes on who does that but i. It was just so weird because, you know, every once in a while when you're wiping your ass and you find a long hair or just any kind of hair?

I get that. Everybody gets that. And I just have never found a feather up there before. You're brushing your teeth, Eddie. Well, that's interesting. Yeah, but I'm glad I'm not changing. Cluck, cluck. Cluck, cluck. Give her some feed. God, this is a fun podcast to do every week all right eddie you're here yeah man i'm here how you doing ben i'm fine i miss you i miss you i miss you more than white

jesus oh that's really wonderful we don't hang out anymore it doesn't matter your hair looks great thank you it's long i want you to bring the beard back i met dave navarro you met dave navarro and he loves me he hugged me i hugged me. I hugged him. He was very uncomfortable. But it was a great experience. That was the Greg Gutfeld show. It re-airs tonight. Re-airs.

Sunday on Fox News Network. Oh, I love that Fox News. Don't even get me started. God damn it. They need me. I'm the independent voice of a generation. You're only dressed in eagles and flags. I have not worn a suit jacket or an American

shirt. American flag shirt in nine months. You're starting to scare me a little bit. Don't even get me started on how I actually think. What are you registered? Gold bottle. Alright, what happened? What are you registered for voting?

I'm an independent, so I can't vote. Anyway, Holden, you're here. Barry Goldwater. Holdenators, ho! Welcome back to your PlayStation Network shout-outs. I'm so sad you missed them last week. Does that mean it's extra long this week? They're a little chunky, I'm not going to lie.

They're a bit chunky. We're going to be here for a second. Of course they're fucking chunky. They play a bunch of video games. They're fucking losers chunky. We're going to be here for a second. Of course they're fucking chunky. They play a bunch of video games. Get rid of the fucking losers. Breathe. Just relax into this sequence of the show. It's going to be good.

Well, then just do it. All right. Steven Stavinsky wants to apologize for his comments to Jackie that he does want to touch her butthole. Wait, what comments? It was never his intention to harass. Oh, maybe he put the feather up there. He said he was the one a couple weeks ago.

He said he wanted to do stuff to your butt. Oh, okay. Well, there's a feather in it now. Yeah, there you go. Digging for gold in there. She's been trying to grow those birds up. On the rag, aka Tim says, Holly, you were the best this year.

Waffle loves you. Oh, come on with this shit. That's right. There's love happening. Michael Roberts wants to tell Thomas Randolph that his beard looks like Father Time's pubes and he can't believe someone lets someone lets him fuck them. Octofish.

This used to just be like fun things. No, it's long and I have to do it. The longer it goes. Octofish wants to give once the entire table to give a shout out to Alex, the feral child of Arkansas. Muskrat 118 is upset with Amber because she was in a different episode of the characters than our episode. I think it's fine. Yeah. Good. Is that it? Yeah. Alright, wonderful.

Great job, Holden. Of course, check out Henry Zebrowski's Netflix special, The Characters, written by Henry Zebrowski and Ed Larson. It has been called racist on the internet, but the internet is always right. Said we did brownface. I wrote it, too. It's fine. Yeah, but I had brownface right. Said we did brownface. I wrote it too. It's fine.

Yeah, but I had brownface too. Alright, Keith and the girl are here. Keith and the girl. Thanks so much for being here. Thank you, gentlemen. Thanks for having us. This is a cross-promotion, Marcus. Cross-promotion?

We're cross-promoting. It's called crossover. It's like a crossover episode. Superman versus Batman. So we have to fight for half of it. And then we fight the Joker at the end. It's like when the cast of California Dreams got together with Saved by the Bell. It's like the X-Men in Justice League of America.

It's Marvel DC crossover. Everybody loves Raymond. Got together with the fat bastard. King of Queens. King of Queens. Fucking Mega Man and Sonic the Hedgehog. They never crossed over. What are you talking about?

They didn't cross over. I don't think they did. Keith, how are you? What the fuck is happening? It doesn't matter. Not a big deal. We're saying hello. Yeah, this is the hello.

How are you doing, Keith? I'm doing well, thank you. Very good. Thanks for being here. And Chemda, Hemda, how do I say your name? I always get it wrong. Nothing like that. Yeah.

Chemda. You could say Hemda. Chemda. how do I say your name? I always get it wrong. Nothing like that. Chemda. You could say Hemda. Chemda. Yeah. I can say it. Aren't you a Jew of some sort? No, I'm not Jewish. You're opposite.

I'm not a Nazi. Eddie, take it easy. Your grandfather's a Nazi. I love the great state of Israel, Fox News. Don't even get me started. Ed's the half Jewish one. Yeah, yeah. No, my parents converted.

Oh, that's... But then they went one. Yeah, yeah. No, my parents converted. Oh, that's... But then they went back. To half Nazi? No, no. They converted to Judaism, and then now they're back to evangelical Haitians. Haitians, yeah. They're with the Haitians now.

They go to a Haitian church. But you had to go to Germany and shred all those documents. Those I found out later on after I went to visit my Oma in Uruguay. Oh, of course she's fucking lying to you. She's hiding out in Uruguay. She had cancer and she survived it. She's 93 years old. That shows some respect, Eddie. That doesn't mean that she's a good

woman. I'm sorry. Yes, it does. Oh, she's the most charming woman you'll ever meet. She's so much better than your mother. She married a Nazi. She didn't marry a Nazi. She married someone who was fighting a war. Don't even get me started. I think I was trying to say something. Yes? I was just saying you you know who else was charming? Who?

Heil! Oh, my God. Okay, Rick Santorum. You think Hitler was charming? Oh, yeah. Why do you think we all followed him into the gas chamber? That's the thing. He was a very charming man.

He was the one leading him in there. I think he was as charming as Trump, and look what's happening. Yeah, Trump is doing very, very well. Man, I just saw Son of Saul. You got to check that out. That's a good Holocaust flick. It's like first-person shooter concentration champ. What happens?

It's fucking badass. He's leading people into the concentration. He's leading people into the... Saul, you know, he's a big man. Oh, I see. He's the daddy Saul, and he's leading people into the chambers, and he's just like, what is she writing down? And he's leading people into the chambers, and he tells them everything's going to be okay.

There's work for you after you take a shower. Then they all die. And he cleans up the bodies. And of course, his kid goes in the chamber. He sees his kid go in. Spoiler alert. Let's his kid go in. And the kid fucking lives.

Son of Saul. Okay. So I guess. So I don't need to see the movie. Oh, no. That's only the first 10 minutes. Oh, my God. You want to be in there when the shower's on low, I guess.

Or near and empty. Thank you for creating the best Sunday ever. I know what I'm doing every Sunday. Just watching Son of Saul on repeat. Who recommends Holocaust movies like they're going to be fun? Ed watches Holocaust movies back to back. That is a normal

Sunday for him. What would you say top five Holocaust movies? Son of Saul that's gotta go in there there's that one where they all lived in the sewers I like the foreign ones you mean Ninja Turtles

yes the sewer there was a bunch of kids living in the sewers cause the fuck your family was after them do they really like

pizza also is that probably good all the radiation from those showers right I mean you gotta like Schindler's List. There's some great comedy in there.

I never saw it. There's really like five great jokes in that. See, he's trying to still convince himself that the Holocaust is happening. I know because I went to Jew school, and that was plenty. Oh, yeah. I don't understand going to watch tragic movies

like that harsh. What is Jew school? Yeshiva. Yeah. Or like I used to, there was a- Or the Catholic school. It was like a David, I think ours was like a School of David or some shit. Huh.

Where at? Boca Raton, Florida. They got many Jew schools there. Hello, you want to learn about the Jew- Did the Holocaust survivors actually teach you? Oh yeah, I met a bunch of them. They're great people. Yeah, they all retired to Boca.

They party fucking hard. Yeah, man. Every day, like it's your last. Well, my school always had drunk drivers who crashed their cars come in and tell us not to drink and drive. So that's the difference between Wisconsin and Florida. Yeah. Different amounts of peril. We'd have born-again Christians come in and tell

us how badly they fucked up, and then we'd all have to pray together. Isn't that nice? Public school. So everyone didn't have Holocaust survivors come in and talk to them? There were more of them in Wisconsin. Yeah, there weren't any Jews in Texas either.

Oh, man. We were fucking overrun with them. It's almost like you had to put them somewhere. I think any of the ones that were in Queens just didn't want

to talk about it. You know? If you went to Queens, you're not fucking talking about the Holocaust ever again. You Catholic, Keith? I was raised Catholic.

You're an Irish fellow, right? No, but my dad was a catholic priest oh wow something you what do you think about that movie spotlight was your father involved in the film at all no he wasn't one of them it wasn't a molester i get it all the time my father was a good man who left germany because his father wasn't a great man and and I still get accused of abuse. So I think Keith needs to get... You're a pedophile. Fair enough. That's what I'm saying.

Keith, was your life a lot like Keeping the Faith, that Edward Norton, Ben Stiller movie? It's a fun movie. It was just like that without the boring juice side, yeah. I went to Catholic school growing up, man. I was a fucker. My dad had CCD in our house. Oh, my goodness.

I'm sorry, man. Yeah, it's all right. I would pray for 40 minutes every morning in my school. Then we had to say a prayer after we ate. I learned how to study the Torah in Hebrew, ancient Hebrew. Some guy named Rashi, his fucking version. All it got me was a great place in the atheist world. And your hair is awesome.

They should have tried to teach you Spanish. That matters. Spanish is a great language that we all should have learned, not old Hebrew. No, that or Latin at least, and then you can figure out any kind of word, whether you know the meaning or not. The Rosetta Stone of language. All right. How does one pray for 40 minutes?

Marcus is also here. Yes, exactly. So on, et cetera, et cetera. Yes, yes, yes. Light some candles. Take out the Torah, kiss it a few times. Bury a plate. Do they bury the plate?

Some of them do. And what was the point of burying the plate? If it touches meat and cheese on the same plate You gotta bury it Cause it's fucking dead to me But I like that they give it You know They give it a traditional

It's a terrifying culture The first time I had chicken cutlet parm It was the first time I think I ever Mixed dairy and meat. I was like, oh, yeah, God doesn't exist. That was stupid. Oh, yeah. It's a good dish to change from.

Well, what's the point of separating the chicken from the meat? I mean, not the chicken from the meat, the cheese from the meat. What? The dairy from the meat. What's the point? What did he say? The fuck? Separate the chicken from the meat?

That's a chicken popper. The fuck show am I on? meat? That's a chicken popper. The fuck show am I on? Keith, that's a chicken popper. You're a smart guy, Keith. Well, the entire idea is that you're not going to take the dairy from the meat that you took from. It's disrespectful to the cow. You can't milk what you eat. Here's what I think it was.

A lot of people took mushrooms. They wrote a book. We took it too seriously. And now we're following it like it really is the Lord and the Lord exists. I see. That's pretty standard. It's like a Harry Potter book that somebody found 2,000 years later and said, oh my God, magic and spells?

This is the real truth. Half the pages were already ripped out so you had to put two and two together randomly. Everything's a sham if you look into it deeply enough. I heard people would come around with camels and be like, on camels, you know,

Jesus dies on page 76! It's like, you motherfucker! Spoiler alert, you dickhead! Good God. Alright, Marcus, let's do a news story. A Florida woman is fighting to keep her six-foot-long pet alligator in her home. True.

The 125-pound reptile named Rambo wears clothes, rides on the back of a motorcycle, and has a bedroom in Mary Thorne's home in Lakeland. So what's the problem with this? She's had a license for the alligator for 11 years, but it recently grew to 6 feet. Wildlife officials say that that size of alligator has to have 2 1⁄2 acres of land. 2 1⁄2. Thank you, Keith. Thank you.

Cut off part of its tail. She should have done what mothers do when they want their daughters to not be tall, enrolled it in gymnastics at a young age. Oh, yeah. That's what she should have done. I dated a stumpy girl in high school. You did? Is there a follow-up?

No, you, Marcus. No, a gymnast. She was a gymnast. Oh, I see. You could tell that she had been squashed down. Right. She had a weird squashed body. Yeah, they bind them.

Yeah, squishing machines. I just can't wait for this alligator just wearing, like, a little suit to just rip the fucking face off. No way, he loves her. She feeds him. That's what you fucking think. Oh, of course. This was fine. She says that she's trained him not to bite.

Yeah. Sure, I bet. Yeah, no. Not the opposite. Can you train a cold-blooded reptile? I mean, it'll always learn off of food, I bet. Yeah, no. Not the opposite. Can you train a cold-blooded reptile? I mean, it'll always learn off of food, I mean, basically. Right. What's the difference?

Let him eat her. Who cares? It's a nice life. It's a nice death. Goodbye. You do get the feeling she wouldn't mind. This almost seems like her perfect out would be getting eaten by the thing she loves the most. Lakeland is the purgatory of America.

So I would go ahead and say this is probably the best coolest way she could ever go out. Lakeland's a shit town. Is it? Yeah, but this is probably the best part of Lakeland. Did you see the pictures of this thing? I read this article. I mean, I can't miss it. The thing had a cowboy hat on. It was on a four-wheeler riding around.

It's fucking cool. We did this story on Red Eye on Fox News. Oh, jeez. They start throwing shit at you. They don't need our That's fucking cool, man. We did this story on Red Eye on Fox News on Friday. You just started throwing shit at me. Yeah. They don't need our exposure, Ben. Oh, they don't.

No. It is the number one network on cable. Wait a minute. So you're correct. What's Fox News? Fox News is a network that started in 1996 when freedom became allowed. Do they cover the election? They cover the election.

They also cover a whole series of child pageantry and wonderful events. I bet they like you a lot. They do love me over there, and I love them. Man alive. It happened. Times have changed.

I watched him turn. I saw it happen. I'm writing a book. No! What's it called? It's called... They're so jealous of me. There's paper in this. Is this laced with acid? Well, this is nice that you guys were able to answer that question for me.

I'm gonna go with big truth. Yeah, big and tall. Big and tall truth. I like that. That's a good Fox News approved, you know, kind of spokesman sort of book name. Got a couple of different meanings.

Oh, yeah. Big Truth. Big Truth. Do you have to get the pages extra thick so you don't rip them when you're turning them? Thank you, Eddie. That's very nice. They do it digitally now,

and he has that keyboard with the giant hand-sized buttons that he can type like a normal person. Are you going to get the pages fireproof so nobody can throw your book in the fire when they decide that they don't like reading it or don't want anyone else to read it? Fahrenheit 451! No way a Nazi's making a book fireproof. Gas proof. This is nice.

Wonderful force. That was like a pile on, like in football, you know? We all just jumped on it. Hey, you know what? Heil. Congratulations. Yay, Heil! Thank you so much.

Getting back to the story, though, did they separate the alligator from the reptile? You fucking idiot. You fucking chickened me. Keith, I won't allow it. You're self-published. I'm not dealing with it. No. Chemda can make...

Hemda, Chemda, Chemda. She can say whatever she wants. Germans can never say my name. I can't say your name right, which is probably an asset, actually. Can't put you on anything. No list for you. I don't know how to pronounce her name. I don't know how to pronounce it.

I don't know how to spell it. No, that's very nice. Yes, did they separate the alligator from the reptile? They did not separate the alligator from the reptile, no. This is what Mary Thorne, the owner, had to say. She said, everyone will tell you that I treat that animal like a baby. He doesn't do anything that a normal alligator does. Oh, good.

That's not good for your cuts, lady. I don't treat him like he wanted to be treated as a person. I took him away from his mom, but he got to be a human, and that's much better, let's face it. She says that he's practically a celebrity in Lakeland. I bet he is. Yeah, she said that now she's- Who wouldn't want to kill a celebrity? That's right. Now she's struggling to keep ownership despite having him 11 years with a license.

11 years this woman has lived with Rambo. Okay, so she has the human connection to the reptile, but the reptile, do we really think it has a connection to her? Food. I know food, but it can find food. Yes, it does. Do you think, in its reptilian mind, does it recognize her as someone special other than, when it looks at another person, does it differentiate? Yes, because animals in the wild,

if they're kept in captivity, you can't just send them off into the wild again. You actually have to re-acclimate them, and a lot of times it doesn't happen, or they're doing research on how to do that now. So, if this alligator has been in her home for 11 years that's all he knows and i don't know what they expect them to do with the alligator if they let it go because he's not going to survive well not only that she says that he can't be out in the sun at all because he without his lotion on

they love the sun no she said that uh rambo wouldn't be able to be outside because he has a sensitivity to sunlight. When she received Rambo, he was four years old. She's talking about Stallone. Yeah. And up to that point, he had been kept in a dark closet, cramped in a tank with several other alligators. Is this the case of over-coddling? It seems to me it is, right? That's the real issue here.

Yeah, alligators like it at night more anyway. That's when they really go after people and attack. I thought they spent the majority of their day just sunbathing. At night, though, is when they really eat, man. You got to shine the light and you see the little eyes. Right. And you can make the noises to calm. You ever do that?

No, of course not. What are the noises? No, no. And then you do that a bunch and the alligators start coming. We got an alligator hunter over here. I love alligators. I had them in my backyard growing up. Where's your big dumb hat, alligator hunter?

Keith, where are you from? I'd rather not say. You guys are weird. Pennsylvania. Close to Pittsburgh, but the country. No alligators. You were like a deersburgh but the country no alligators so you were like a deer bear yeah no normal animals hairy animals yeah we'd uh we'd raise them but no alligators right i think i talked about this my buddy had a pet crocodile yeah he was

there for feeding day and it was the scariest moment or not feeding day they had to clean the cage out they had to remove it from the cage. So the father's holding this crocodile down, screaming like, get out of the room! Get out of the room! He's getting squirrely! And I'm like, what? And then my buddy Patch is furiously cleaning this cage. And then they put him back in and we're just like, oh, thank God it's over.

And I'm like, why is this fucking in your house? Oh, totally worth it. You think so? No, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. I'm against anyone having a reptile. He liked mean reptiles. He liked mean reptiles. Oh, yeah.

Didn't he have a shitload of iguanas? He had a tarantula. He had an iguana. He had other reptiles. I don't even know their names. They had weird names. They were mean, man. He had big pythons.

He tried to attack them any time he opened it. But his dad, the one screaming at me about the crocodile, man, just like beat him right in the hand. His hand, the side of his hand swelled up like a balloon purple. Yeah. The scariest thing I've ever seen. I loved going to Pat's. Cats don't like you. You're just there to feed them,

but at the very least you have something cute to hold every now and again when it wants to feel affection. What the hell is the point of having a snake or a reptile? It crawls on you. I had a buddy that had a lizard. I loved it. You just crawl on your skin. It feels real good.

That's what a scapey does. Yeah, but you're like a dirt person. Yeah. Well, that's dirt boy. I only want a pet that I can cuddle with. Right? Yeah, but you were raised in Queens where the train is right there, and then you can go see things.

What the hell is happening over there where you're from? Carolina, man. We're all rowdy. Yeah, man. North Carolina, the best you can do is go to an anti-gay fucking rally. Is there a lot of anti-gay rallies in North Carolina? Oh, yeah. When Angels in America came to Charlotte, there were big protests.

Yeah, they like the rallies almost as much as they hate the gays. I think they just don't like plays. Put it on Netflix. I didn't realize. I thought North Carolina was one of the more liberal southern states. You're being confused by the name North. Right. And Fox News.

God, I love Fox News so much. Hannity airs at 7. Hail Trump much. Hannity airs at 7. Hail Trump. Sean Hannity airs at 7 p.m. No, Fox doesn't like Trump because he's being negative to Megyn Kelly. I'm team Megyn Kelly. O'Reilly airs at 8 p.m. So just watch that.

I just want to watch Dave Navarro. I'd rather just watch 8. If I'm going to watch Dave Navarro, I want to see his reality show. I was with Dave Navarro. You can watch that on the Greg Gutfeld show. If you have the opportunity, you've got to pants Bill O'Reilly. He's actually my height. I can wear his pants.

I can actually take them. I guess if you have the opportunity, listen to Jane's Addiction, right? Call it a day. Yeah. What the fuck are these TV shows he's talking about? I'm just so happy he's a nice guy. He's such a nice guy. Why would it be me?

I don't know. You never know. You never know. The only person I have met in my experience over the past, what, year, I suppose, now we've been... Snooki. Snooki was me? Snooki was the only person I have met who had an entourage that made her...

You would have thought she was Meryl Streep, who was unbelievably nice, apparently. And, yeah, Snooki and Meryl Streep. She would never be on Fox News. No, she was. She was on Fox News when she made The Iron Lady. Maybe she knew about your joke, the dumpster joke. No, Snooki did not. Oh, my God, I love that joke.

Yeah, yeah. But we won't go through it now. You have to listen to back episodes to hear it. What episode number? You have to listen to every back episode until you find it. There's hundreds of them. There's like five of them. I forget the joke.

But no, Snooki is the only- What's the difference between- A dumpster in Atlanta and Snooki when she was pregnant. There's an alive baby in the dumpster or whatever. All right, funny joke. Nailed it. He does it now. I'm not going to lie.

I don't think I'm going to go back and find it. God damn it Don't cock block past shows There are hundreds of episodes You must search for it You love the archives, Keith Anyway, moving on So there's an alligator

There's a woman The woman, Mary Thorne She says that she takes him to elementary schools Charity events and conventions To teach people about reptiles She says she she takes him to elementary schools, charity events, and conventions to teach people about reptiles. She says she's taught him not to bite, scratch, headbutt, or swat, which allows him to interact with the public

safely. She says he loves kids. And when kids swatting, no. No. She's drugging this thing. Maybe. She said whenging this thing. Maybe. She said when kids come around, he shuts his mouth really tight so fingers can't go in his mouth. Good job.

Adding that she's been given permission to have him out and about without his snout taped shut, although it does not say who gave her said permission. Although I'm glad his snout doesn't have to be taped shut because that would be very upsetting. That sucks. That's not fun to watch. No, no, no. But, I mean, yeah, drug the shit out of them. You ever see alligator wrestling?

It's the best. No, it's not. It's terrible. It's so much fun. Wait, are these humans wrestling? Yeah, usually Indians. Indians? Indians, like, seminal Indians.

Got it. Yeah, yeah. They were also classified as humans, Ed. Native Americans. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were always wrestling the alligators. I had one.

We used to go on a thing called the Jungle Cruise. It was like a paddle boat that went down the intercoastal. Yeah. And they'd take you to this jungle queen and take you to this little island and there was this Indian who was always hammered. And he was always wrestling around with the alligators and he was missing a bunch of fingers

and he'd show everyone he was missing fingers. He'd be like, alligator, bit it. Alligator, bit it. And he'd make us all chant it. And then we'd all start chanting alligator, bit it. And then, bit it. And he'd make us all chant it. And then we'd all start chanting alligator, bit it. And then he'd jump on an alligator. It's fucking best time. You make the best out of Florida.

You just got to show up. Yeah, the Indians are a proud people. It's a state perfect for Ed. That's crazy. I lost again. I lost again. You know the people that Leonardo's sticking up for? That's ridiculous.

Oh my goodness. So what do you think? Should the, uh, I think they should take the alligator. Well, it's possible because she had the alligator before the 2.5 rule went into effect. So it's possible. Why didn't we start with that?

It's possible that she could be grandfathered in. She said, but in the meantime, she's in a tough spot because she can't find anybody with the proper license to take care of him. She says, I know when he goes away to a possible reptile encounter type of a situation, you know where you have

the thing that people go to. You're just going to throw him in a pit with a bunch of bullies. You're going to fucking rip him up. I know when he goes there, he's going to be really afraid, and he's probably going to die from the stress. I agree. Yeah, of course. I'll take it.

Yeah, I don't know. What's the alligator's name? Rambo. Hello. Rambo the alligator. Who decided 2.5 acres Was enough for one sole alligator I mean the state legislature God

God did that Yeah Okay There's a lot of They take care of the alligators Out in Florida They love them Yeah

They were protected for so long That now they're fucking everywhere And killing people That's a state flag to them An alligator Yeah Alligators smoking a cigarette Drinking a beer

That's an alligator I want to hang out alligator. Alligators smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer. That's an alligator I want to hang out with. Yeah, with a fucking big dumb NASCAR hat on. You guys have cultured alligators. They like cars. Florida culture. All right, so the alligator's going to be fine. Dead.

It's probably going to die. They're going to kill it. More than likely, it's going to die. She said gonna kill it. More than likely, it's gonna die. She said, Thorne said, final word, without him, I don't feel like even wanting to go on. She's gonna die. She's gonna kill herself. This is gonna be a fucking travesty. She said everybody's taking it pretty hard

because they know how much she loves the gator. Jackie, what do you think? You're a woman. Am I? Yes, technically. You're a woman? She's a woman. Hey, Jackie, we want to hear about alligators. You're a woman? Am I? Yes, technically. You're a woman? She's a woman. Hey, Jackie, we want to hear about alligators. You're a woman.

Yeah, and I know all about the fucking gators. No, but you're a woman who's got a gator. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your question? How lonely is she? Oh, too lonely. If she's dressing up the gator, she's too lonely. I think my biggest problem with this is that she's dressing up the gator, she's too lonely. I think my biggest problem with this is

that she's dressing up the gator. Imagine trying to shove a gator's foot into a slippy. You know? Or even a ballet flat. I don't know. Or I imagine little cowboy boots, which would be really fucking cute. But I think if she is putting clothes on this gator, woman's too sad.

He doesn't look six feet. Show the picture. Have you seen the picture? Oh, right. Let's see it. Oh. He doesn't look six feet. Show the picture. Have you seen the picture? Oh, right. Let's see it. He's on a four. Oh, he doesn't look six feet. Well, I think that's when he was a younger gator. Oh, okay.

But he's wearing a shirt, and he's sitting on a four-wheeler. And pants. He's wearing a shirt and pants. Jeans. That four-wheeler looks like it's his. No joke. Right? He's owning that thing.

That woman does look like me if I had never left Florida, though. That's true. If you put shoes on a gator, you might be too sad. I think that's a definite right there. Yeah. That's a great Jeff Foxworthy type joke. Thanks, buddy. He's Fox News-ing you. He would have to explain that.

He mansplained to another man. Yeah. Greta Van Susteren. Jeff Fox Newsworthy. It's a whole new character for you. I love that. Thank you, Ed. I tell the gator joke, you decide.

Right, buddy? That's what you do, you fucking sellout. Thank you, Keith. You can buy Keith's book on his website and it's a wonderful book what is it called the great American novel is my autobiography and then and then I did a relationship book together and then broke up so it's hard to write a book the information is good because for a lot of people we were like, sounds like you don't belong together. You can end

this. I didn't realize you guys have dated, but I'm sure you guys have discussed this on your show and I'm sure I'm the ignorant one. No, no, no. We really like when people forget that. We're very comfortable with that. Okay, good. Well, I'm happy I've done something right

This is a true story I see Ben Ben goes What are you guys doing here today? No one tells me Feeling fucking great And comfortable I'll see you downstairs

Jesus Nobody tells me Who's booked on the show For Christ's sake I really And then we're like We could've said nothing Wrong day

Bye We came here for the fajitas And then we're like, we could have said nothing. Wrong day. Bye. I'm here to eat a burrito. You could have left. We came here for the fajitas. Yes. Well, I'm happy you stayed for the show. You guys are wonderful. And Keith, you're doing so funny.

You're doing some funny stuff. Thank you. Thank you. Man. Greta Van Susteren's show is on at 4 o'clock. Salt of the Earth. On Fox News Network. You know the whole schedule, huh?

Yeah, she's a Scientologist. Oh, good. I'm glad you guys got her. Yeah. Do you want to keep hosting this show real quick? No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I was busy.

All right, Marcus. What's another story? The alligator's dead. This woman's sad. Alligator's dead. Everything's over. Let's go over to Pennsylvania for our next story. Oh, it's Heathland.

Go on. State police say a 78-year-old nun was caught shoplifting. Dad, everything's over. Let's go over to Pennsylvania for our next story. Oh, Keithland. Go on. State police say a 78-year-old nun was caught shoplifting. $23 worth of coffee, snacks, and toiletries. Put her away. Thank you, Keith. Thank you once again. Thank you for finishing my sentence. I very much appreciate your assistance in my reading.

Where else would the story go, you know? I mean, she's got to have some time, toiletries. She's a nun. Let her do whatever she wants. She's married to Christ. She's not getting banged. Let her do whatever she wants. Jesus can fuck her.

I mean, the thing is that in my head, I feel like all priests and nuns fuck, right? I think so. No one ever talks about it. They have to. Actually, nuns are very well known for being lesbionic, and there's a lot of like, who? See, that's great. Good think so. No one ever talks about it. They have to. Actually, nuns are very well known for being lesbionic, and there's a lot of like, who are some?

See, that's great. Good for them. I will say, lesbionic makes them sound like they're cyborg lesbians. I mean, they're a little robotic in their speech. I had Sister Susan Bundy and Sister, oh my goodness, I'm forgetting the name of the other one. Oh, now he's naming porns that he watched. Go ahead.

Sister Susan Bundy. I will be Googling that now and see what comes up. Anyway, catch him 2 p.m. Fox News. Yeah. No, 3 a.m. Yeah, you gave me too much credit. But no, yeah, lesbians, you're right. Do you tell them?

They tend to be nuns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Is your mom a nun? Nope. So how did that work? Is he Catholic? They fuck the same way we do. I know, but did he have to leave the... No, yeah, he did. He had to get permission from the Pope to get married. Oh, really?

Really? Yeah. No shit. But that's all changing. I think new Pope is actually allowing Popes to marry. He will be allowing such things. Priests. Yeah.

Pope could do it, yeah. Pope could Pope whatever Pope wants. Whatever you want, Pope. One Pope to the other. Good point. Good Pope. Pope, it ain't easy, man. It's not easy. No, it, yeah. Pope could pope whatever pope wants. Whatever you want, pope. One pope to the other. Good point. Good pope. Pope it ain't easy, man. It's not easy.

No, no, no. That's very important because God would come down and say, no, let the priests get married before he said let the gays get married. God knows what's important and has his priorities straight. Yeah, so you think the first step in the Catholic Church allowing gays to get married is letting priests get married and the next thing you know we have actual equality. Well, it's like the same thing, right? Priests and gays? Yeah.

A lot of priests are gay. No, that's called pedophilia. Oh. Yeah. No, that's not called pedophilia. Marcus, what's the story? Ben, you really got political lately. Man, I just can't get enough of Outnumbered, which airs at noon on the Fox News Network.

It is one of the best shows I've ever seen. Well, back to the shoplifted nun. Troopers say Sister Agnes Panino was seen taking the items from the surplus outlet near Berwick on Monday afternoon. WNEPTV reports police determined the woman captured on surveillance video was the nun who lived about 20 miles away at a convent in Danville

Do you read old news? I know old news What's next? What's next smartass? Oh no I'm not sure what story

you're reading from I'll tell you what I don't like nuns Go on I'm gonna go ahead and put that down I saw my mom yell at a nun once and ever since I was tell you what. I don't like nuns. Go on. I'm going to go ahead and put that down. I saw my mom yell at a nun once, and ever since I was like, you know what? She's right.

My mom took her spot. I mean, I understand women who went into the nunnery. It's a relatively safe space. It's not the patriarchy. Women can actually have power there. I think I would have gone into the nunnery if I was a gal in the 1930s, 40s, 50s I don't know, I had a hard time with some nuns

when I was a kid Well they're terrible, but I kind of like that about them I got hit for dropping a pencil box I got detention for yawning once Why'd you drop the pencil box, Ed? Because it was on the edge and it fell over You buttery fingered fat bastard, you shouldn't have dropped it I fucking learned how to, my handwriting teacher

Sister Dolores. She's fucking dead now. Thank God. My typewriter teacher, Sister Teresa, she said, we didn't have computers in my school. And I was like, don't you? I mean, why are we learning typewriters? And she said, you never know when computers are going to go out of style. You never know when they're going to go away. So, you know, I can still type like a motherfucker, though.

So that's good. No, I love, I have a massive amount of respect for nuns. For what? I think they're kind of badass chicks. No. They gave up. You don't think so? They gave up.

What's wrong with the nun? What's the number one negative quality that nuns have? She's married to an invisible guy who died 2,000 years ago. So was a woman who was married to someone on Wall Street. She's a fucking idiot, too. Well. I hate the clothes. I got bad clothes.

Oh. Clothes, come on. That's fine. I don't know. I can defend a good nun. Sister Kathleen was a fucking bitch, too. I like that they're mean, Ed. They're horrible.

Eddie, all of our girlfriends, every girl we know are mean. I broke up with them. I married to a saint. I'm not married. But if I was, shemin. I broke up with them. I'm married to a saint. I'm not married. But if I was, she'd be a goddamn angel. Yeah. Holding your thoughts on Eddie just saying that he was married to a girl. And let's get married.

Let's marry our girls this year. We're doing it. Double wedding. We're married to a fucking girl. You have to go because we're about to ask you to be our best man, Vin Kissel. Oh my God. A buffet with nothing but cold shrimp. It's going to be a bowl of mayonnaise.

You can figure it out. I'll make you an usher. Yeah, thanks. You can be a great usher. People will be scared of you. You tell them where to sit. They'll be awesome. Dude, what do we do?

What kind of wedding band are we going to have? Let's get fucking... This guy knows Dave Navarro. Yeah, I do know Dave Navarro. You can call Dave Navarro. We'll get him in. We're getting fucking married. Jackie, you wouldn't believe it. Eddie accidentally had... What is it? Is it a Freudian slip?

Yeah, Freudian slip. He said he was married. Uh-oh. And then I said, yeah, let's do it. So we're both going to get married to our girls. Can we breathe in a round table marriage? Do you want to get married too? Jackie, we could just leave sometimes. Oh, yeah.

That's awesome. You can go to the bathroom whenever the hell you want. I'm just going to take a breather for a second. No, my bladder was out of control. Pamela, do you have to go to the bathroom? I just went. Okay, we're good. I just went.

I went a little while ago. No, no, I'm not going to get married though, but I got to pop out these round table kids. I went in Jackie's cup. You didn't see it? Oh, you pissed in her cup. She's not wearing headphones, so she can't hear me. I like it. Jew piss clears up a lot of stuff in your face, though.

It does. It does. Because it's cleaner than normal piss. I don't know. It's not chicken parmesan. Whether you believe it still or not, you know, it's still in there, so I'm fine with it. All right. So it'll be a fun wedding.

You guys are both going to get married. The chosen piss. That's right. That's right. I'm glad you pushed it further to a joke that I already killed. Holden, what's Marcus's role in this wonderful wedding? He will be invited to the after party. Cool.

I don't really, you know, I'm going to be busy that day anyway. Bit. Okay, doing like research, shit like that. I think we'll meet. I'll come after I'm done with work. You can be the DJ. You can be my bone collector. Okay, yeah, he'll be our bone man.

Great. Love being bone man. There you go. Done, done, done. I want to be the salsa part of the wedding. Can I do that? What do you mean? The music or the food?

The music. Yeah, no, not the food. Well, what we're going to do is we're going to have a dance competition, and you're going to be like, no, no, no, but then you've been practicing all fucking year. Yeah, yeah. You're going to rip it open. Everyone's going to be like, I can't believe she did it. She's got Latina blood throwing through. That's what everyone's going to be like, I can't believe she did it. She's got Latina blood throwing through.

That's what everyone's going to say. Yeah, exactly. But you've got to start doing flips and stuff. Oh, yeah, I could do flips. Look at me. Speaking of your Latina blood, how's the dominoes coming? Oh, man, well, you know, it's not summer. I think it's more of a summer activity.

Yeah? Yeah, you've got to be drinking and smoking up on a roof while you play dominoes. I realize. What is dominoes? What do you mean? I don't know. I never played it. It's little tiles with numbers.

You put them together and you throw it down and then you shoot somebody. Yeah. Oh, I see. And you call the unused dominoes the boneyard. Yeah. Which I fucking love. Yeah, boneyard. Oh, dominoes.

Throwing bones. You know what it sounds like? Rummy cube. No, it's nothing like fucking Rummy Cube. Holy shit! That chicken and meat shit was like stupid shit, but what the fuck did you just say? Rummy Cube, Keith!

Rummy, one of the greater games. Rummy Cube? Yeah. You never heard of Rummy Cube? I've heard of fucking Rummy Cube. You never played it? I have played it. Yeah.

And I'm not a fan. You may as well put it up there with fucking Yahtzee. You never played it? I have played it. Yeah. And I'm not a fan. You may as well put it up there with fucking Yahtzee. And I hate Yahtzee. No, I hate Yahtzee. We know why you like Yahtzee. Why? Rhymes with your grandma. Eddie, shut up, you bastard.

No, Yahtzee's dumb. I had Disney Yahtzee, so you had to match the Disney faces with each other and I fucking hated it. Marcus, you know Rummy Cube. Absolutely not. I had to look it up on Wikipedia. It's spelled all weird. Yeah, it's Rummy Cub. Right, Rummy Cub. They say it combines elements of Rummy and Mahjong. Oh, I like Mahjong.

So you'll like Rummy Cube? I used to play with all the... How old are you guys? I used to play with all the Jewish ladies. My mom used to have Mahjong parties, and I had no friends or brothers. This one's wearing a grandma sweater. What's happening here? It's his cardigans. He has many heathered cardigans now.

Oh, because of Fox News. Five o'clock in the morning, Fox and Friends airs. I love the show. Love that programming. You never learned Mahjong? No. In all your Jewish travels? No.

It's great. We're a different Jew. That sounds like white Jew. I'm part of the black Jew tribe. Oh, you are? The black Israelites? No. Oh, my God.

They're always, yeah. If you're ever in New York City, you're going to step into Avenue and 33rd Street. You can't get enough of them. But you're not black. I'm not black. That's sweet to say. Thank. But you're not black. I'm not black. That's sweet to say. Thank you. It was the highest compliment I've ever given.

That's not true. Black people are wonderful people. There's Ashkenazi Jews and Sephardic Jews. Sephardic Jews are considered the black Jews. Oh, I see. It's because you have beautiful hair. Is that why? It's because we're dark

and people didn't let us in their house. I understand that. I grew up in us in their house. I understand that. I grew up in one of those houses. I hear you. I wasn't allowed in places either. We're just too drunk, though. We're called sand N-words. Oh.

Yeah, I've heard the term. Yeah, with a bunch of white people, you just have to say the N-word and everyone gets where they are. Oh, yeah. Ninjas or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Norblers. We do flips. You know how Jews do. Ninjas or something like that. Norblers. We do flips. You know how Jews do.

Oh, you're like gypsies. Oh, do you steal things as well? Trixie, Trixie. I respect the gypsy. I have a lot of respect for the gypsy, by the way. Fuck gypsies. I think they're great. No, they're great.

What are you talking about? They constantly find ways to win. To steal. To steal. To are you talking about? They constantly find ways to win. To steal. To steal. To trick you. They always got their kids out at four in the morning. Gypsies, great music. Great music, great people.

They do fill their children with heroin so they don't cry as they hold them. Which gypsies are you talking about? Because there's so many gypsies. There's gypsies in Israel, Europe. They're all the same. I'm going to go with the L-train gypsy. East Village gypsies.

Man, that's a tough breed. Yeah, it's Coco Bordello. It's a shit ton of great music out of the East Village bathhouses. I was in a gypsy musical. That's how I met my husband. Really? Really good music, yeah. Was it gypsy? It was not gypsy. It was off-Broadway. I had a dream!

I would love to see it. How many tambourines were in the show? No tambourines. That's very un-Gypsy. That's not Gypsy. Bullshit! Bullshit! If there's not finger cymbals, get out! Did you guys do weird money exchanges whenever people tried to buy tickets?

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, you're waiting for change? Okay, I guess you can have some then. It's a bunch of hat tricks. No, you put it in here. Oh, no, we put it in here. That's the fun people. I used to work at the poorhouse, man.

They would come in so late, fucking always trying to steal shit. They don't sign the receipt. They don't sign the receipt. They fucking take the salt shakers. If you're not looking, the little kids are trying to steal your laces on your shoes.

Must have been tough for you, Eddie, because even if the little kids are trying to steal your laces on your shoes. Must have been tough for you, Eddie, because even if you were, you can't see your laces. It's because I'm so big. Because you're so fat. I thought I was mean and uncalled for.

That's ridiculous. It is kind of weird. Anyway, Shepard Smith, he airs from 10 a.m. to noon. Now, Shep, I can get behind. I like Shep. Yeah, we really do love Shep. Man.

We do. Shep, I can get behind. I love Shep. I like Shep. Yeah, we really do love Shep. We do. Shepard's the best. All right, Marcus. So where are we going with this story? That's pretty much all the story is. It's just Nunn got Shep. She's only going to get a ticket. Good. Leave her alone.

Yeah, Shep. They call it a summary offense. How about a flogging? But the flogging for a Nun nun shoplifting? She didn't drop any of it, though. That's right. And by the way, the St. Cyril and Methodius convent declined to comment on the story.

Declined to comment on the story that's happening. That is happening. I love the bit that you chose to go with the entire episode, Keith. Just drives Marcus insane. I have to defend Marcus. So, Keith, you are a dickhead, but I do like your...

You know what? I've never seen Marcus upset. He's still smiling, but you could see... Oh, he stopped smoking. So he's real now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a year and a week from Sunday. About a week then, right?

So my... Keith, I have to just ask you as a friend of Mark's... My patience is thin! My patience is thin! It is... I am not as patient as I once was! Keith!

Cigarettes or weed? Both. Ooh, why? Weed makes me paranoid. Well, you know why you... Yeah, some people, they smoke weed and they just start thinking

about all their responsibilities. Yeah, responsibilities, I start thinking everyone hates me. Because for me, it's like that all, I go play the video game and it goes away. Fucking Allman Brothers. And yeah, I listen to Eat a Peach and I'm fucking rocking and rolling and trying to figure out how to steal a car. Go see Bruce Stringbean. When you say you're dating a woman, you're dating a woman, right?

A sweet, delicious woman. She's an actual woman. Every inch of her is an emotion. It's crazy. He turned her. She was a lesbian. It's a moment. She turned him. What?

Holden used to be a lesbian. Yeah. Yes. He changed. I went to Lilith Fair four times. It is actually probably the greatest credit that Holden has is changing the sexual orientation of another person. I mean, it's quite phenomenal.

And she is so much better than he could ever dream of being. So much better. I mean, we're all still stunned. Okay, I wanted, to be fair, she was dabbling, but my big fat hog won. Picture didn't happen. Don't high five me on it. Right. Your big fat hog did win, Holden.

She gets all in sometimes. Oh, brother. You don't want to sneak into the shower and surprise it. Let's see the hog. Let's see the hog. Oh, you don't want to see the hog. No, you don't. Let's see the hog.

I want to see it. You don't want to be turnt. Yes, I do. Oh, my God. Let's see the heart. It looks like a two-foot potato. Yeah, like a yam. It's more like a yam than a penis.

It's a little yammy. All right. Well, I'm sure it's very beautiful. That sounds like HPV. It does. And I'm sure it's covered in that. Got to get those shots. All right, Marcus.

Anything else with this nun? Nope. Keith? That's the whole story. She's preying on it. All right, Marcus. Anything else with this nun? Nope. Keith? That's the whole story. She's praying on it. All right. Keith, do you want to just announce the next story? Here's a fun story.

Guy was drunk driving, but he's the mayor. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Fill him in. Fuck right off, Keith. That would be a good story. It happens all, Keith. That would be a good story. It happens all the time. That would be a good story.

It doesn't ever make the papers, but I would read the story. About the drunk driving mayor? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe the mayor's not getting driven around. Yeah. Fucking give him a driver. Just have a driver. Marcus, tell us about the drunk driving mayor.

The drunk driving, there was a mayor that was a drunk driver. Driver. Right, right, right. Don't... Keith, no need. That was... Did the mayor have a magic hat? Marcus?

No, he was drinking magic hat. Hey. Very good. All right, great improv skills, Marcus. Thank you. How do we know he was a mayor? Sash? No, you don't wear a sash all the...

You only wear the sash when you become the mayor. You don't wear the sash every day. Keep the sash. Wear when you become the mayor. You don't wear the sash every day. Keep the sash. Wear it every day. Some mayors like to wear the sash every day. I'll tell you what. If de Blasio wore the sash, I bet he'd have some more fucking respect. Oh, my God.

De Blasio is the worst. Didn't he wear the sash when he killed the groundhog? Probably. Staten Island Chuck. Fucking took that fucker out. He is the worst. Don't even get me going. Anyway.

Well, I was just trying to think of another Fox News show to plug, and I can't. We're out of time. What's your face that like. Happening now. Great. I don't know. With Jen Scott. Jen Scott.

None of us watch any of this. Of course not. Okay. Happening now is a very good show. The Simpsons Review Show. That's not Fox News, Eddie. I'm throwing of this. Of course not. Okay, Happening Now is a very good show. The Simpsons Review Show. That's not Fox News, Eddie. I'm throwing things now. Hey, hey.

You don't need to get violent. I'm sorry. Yeah, that was pretty violent. I apologize. They've changed you, man. You're acting like you're working for CNN or something. Thanks, Keith. I met some CNN people.

Nice people. I don't know. That's quite the name drop over there. I know CNN people. I met CNN people. Nice people. I don't know. I don't like them. That's quite the name drop over there. I know CNN people. I met CNN people. I did. I met some CNN people, and they weren't fun. No, they're not fun.

It's news people. Yeah, the newsmen, hard drinkers, late nights, churning out news. Sounds like fun. What's going on in Wichita right now? You don't know. They do. Marcus, news story. Ah, let's see here.

A Euclid man faces charges that accuse him of begging for more neighbors' homes more than 100 times in a single year. You fucking piece of shit. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, my God.

Gotcha. Marcus, you're letting teeth get under your skin. Come on. I know. This is what they do. They come in and they're so discontent.

It is an obnoxious style of interviewing, but it is what they do. I know it's what they do. It is fine. Making people cry, which is good. You do look brighter after this year long of no smoke. He does, right? Rebecca lets you in with that Dunkin' Donuts cup? Yeah.

That's the most controversial thing that's ever been said. Don't talk about that. We'll edit it in post. Yeah, we'll edit that out. No, no, no. Definitely not. Man, I got a massage in Chinatown today. How was it?

Legal one. Legal one. No, no, no. Legal, legal. Yeah, me and the lady, we went down to Chinatown, got a half hour each. I got to say, it was fucking wonderful. 20 bucks for a half hour. Did they stand on you and all that?

Yeah, she straddled my head. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, she straddled my head, started like, elbowing my fucking spine. It was amazing. But were you guys in the same room together? There was a curtain between us. See, I think that's great because I never want to look at my fucking

boyfriend getting hard while somebody gets in the deep of dickens. I did a couple's massage with an ex and I hated it. No, I never want to do that. Well, you look down. You don't look at them. Well, I could see her though, right? I like the curtain at least. Yeah, we had the curtain. The curtain's fine. So she could hear we like, oh yeah,

you fucking bitch, yeah, I get it. You know, she heard that you know but then uh oh better than ed yeah she was very nice by the way what a fun show you guys have the host just left i love it i love what you do here our bladders get full sometimes yeah man we're free partiers man you want to you want to go leave and take a pp you? You go fucking pee-pee, man. You go out your front? You gotta go out your back. You go out your back. No, I never go out my back during a show. I keep it out my back.

No poo. No poo. You can't poo during a show, but you can leak out the front. It's the bathrooms here. I can't get comfortable. Oh, I can take a shit anywhere. If you asked me to shit on the floor right now and I had to, I would. Shit on the floor. I don't have to. I don't have anything in me. I just got a shit anywhere. If you asked me to shit on the floor right now and I had to, I would. Shit on the floor. I don't have to.

I don't have anything in me. I just got it all out. But I only dump out my frump when I'm here. I've been brewing for a little while. Those massages really just jar you loose sometimes. They'll get it out of you. My favorite part of my body to get massaged is my ass. I didn't realize.

I got some butt done. Man, when you get those elbows into your ass and you're just like, I love it. Was that your cum face? No, it wasn't. That was just my go face. Yeah, no, I kept my underwear on and she ripped them down, man.

Yeah, she went for it. I love that. Yeah, it was good. It was like, oh, ho, ho. I feel like she knows something that you don't. Like, look, I know you probably get asked, but we're going to need to get in there. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Who are you going to slap? I don't fucking know.

Nobody knows until you say it. Why would I even fucking guess what you would have got to say? All right? Everybody does it. All right? You get to pick one person from your personal life, growing up all these years, up to now. It could be a person from last week.

It could be a person from when you were three years old. You got to smack their face right in their head. I would smack anybody who told me that anything would be on my permanent record. What did anybody do? Did anybody say that? Like a police officer? No, like all your teachers growing up, you know, you can't misbehave. This can't happen.

That can't happen because it'll be on your permanent record. There is no permanent record. There's a permanent record. They found some shit on me every time I come back in the class. That's because you went to prison. Yeah, you have felonies. You went to jail. It's expunged.

I immediately, it's funny you say that because I immediately started thinking of what teacher I would smack, right? But I think I will smack, there were the jocks in high school. They were really mean to me and really rude, and they called themselves the grade eight, and there were like 12 of them. But you became buddies with them, didn't you? No, no, no. Did after they realized they wanted weed? Year 12, they started wanting weed, and I was the man to talk to,

so I got high with some of them. But I would still smack. You know what? I'd smack this one, the little wisecracking one. Banks. Banks? Banks. Oh, God.

Banks was a racist little redneck. He kind of was the one that would hide behind the big ones, you know? He was really good at golf. Oh, yeah? He was a piece of shit. That's a North Carolina pastime right there. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, I like playing golf, but he was like obnoxiously good.

You know, like he was a shithead. You know what I'm saying? And he a rapist maybe. Ooh. Allegedly. I don't know that. You were throwing allegations about a person. It's allegedly because I made it up the allegation.

A football player in North Carolina in your school was a rapist? Come on. He's a golfer. Golfer, actually. And a banker. Well, his name was Banks. Allegedly, maybe sometime Since I've known him And have not heard about it at all

But maybe he did something bad Took it without asking Maybe he did Son of a bitch I'm totally assuming You're saying You didn't see either way I didn't see

No one told me Right Nobody told me He didn't rape anyone No one said he didn't Right Keith Who would you smack?

Keith didn't rape anyone And did you rape anyone? I did not rape anybody. It would be Jeremy May, a high school bully, because Roger Lafferty's already dead. Oh, I got a dead bully in my life, too. Smack his ghost? I was a high school bully, too.

I feel like I can't do that. You can do it. You can do it. Just tell us why. I mean, I can't say their full names. Or what Fox News show would you smack? Which one do you dislike? MSNBC fucking throw them in a grass? Oh my god MSNBC Chris Matthews right in this fucking

bizarrely wet-lipped His wet lips always No, but I hit the same thing I bullies in high school. There's a guy Dan CJ they literally are all day janitors now and a fine profession that's it I mean just high school bullies we who are just terrible people oh my ex bullies doing great are they yeah it's so aggravating you're the right yeah totally they were totally right and if I were to accurately describing your future and your present. Yeah, totally. They were totally right.

And if I were to talk to them today, if they tried to apologize, I'd be like, don't, you're right. Do you want to know? No, okay. No, but someone to smack. Why not, let's see, anyone, do we have to have met them? Yeah, you had to have had some at least, if not personally know them, at least met them.

You had to have at least had eye contact and some interaction with them. Steve Totten, he was a teacher of mine. He used to play the guitar. Everybody loved him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got cancer. The 30-point buck. The 30-point buck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was doing good, right? He's actually a really nice guy. He just brought an album out. Yeah, he had an album. So never mind. I don't want to slap anyone other than the bullies. Well, that was a fucking roller coaster.

Thank you. It didn't really work out too well. Emda, you're slapping everybody? You're slapping a bunch of people? Everybody who told me that the permanent record is a thing. And I had one awesome dude who said, hey, man, because I was making really bad grades in middle school, and I got grounded, and he said, hey, man, none of this shit, none of these grades in middle school matters. High school is when it even matters towards college

so just fucking go crazy and I was like hell yeah so I had a blast not doing shit in middle school but isn't it sad though because isn't everything now public record forever your film from birth forever well you gotta watch what you're putting online what you're filming what you're taking pics of

alright yeah only the shaft don't show the tip that's how they recognize you Well, you got to watch what you're putting online, what you're filming, what you're taking pics of, all right? Yeah. Only the shaft. Don't show the tip. That's how they recognize you. Only the root of it. Only the base of it. Jackie? Who would you slap?

I'm slapping my middle school counselor. Wow. Oh, yeah. Because I was the bully, so I kept getting thrown into peer mediation where rather than them dealing with me they would make me talk sit down and talk to the people that I was bullying face to face and they would watch and ask questions

but what would I do after I did that go beat the fucking shit out of them why are you doing this why are you making me talk to this person I'm just gonna go beat the shit out of him afterwards. Right. And I just kept throwing means of peer remuneration.

Jackie was the bully. Yeah, I was the bully. Just all the huge men on this podcast have been bullied, and Jackie, the woman, is the bully. Well, I was bullied for a long time, so I became a bully. I switched back and forth, too. Yeah, you know, I was just like, there's got to be a different option here. So that person, I fucking hated her so much. I just wanted, I was just like, ooh, you know who I really want to beat the shit out of?

Who? You. I wanted to beat the shit out of the fucking counselor. Oh. Because she was such a fucking idiot. So I kept doing it because I'm like, well, this is all that's going to happen. So I would slap her and maybe that would have gotten out my rage in a different way. Very nice. Beautiful. I punched my

vice principal once. Slap, Eddie, please. I know. I'm just talking. You punched him? Yeah, in real life. Your father. You punched your principal? Vice principal. I was in a fight and he grabbed me and I thought he was one of the guy's boys. I just turned around and swung. I love you. It was a mess.

You can punch the vice principal. The principal loves it. Yeah, Ed was the dude I needed in high school. The dude that I could smoke weed with, and then when shit went down, I could just be like, you're a piece of shit, and then run away and let Ed fight. Sometimes I still do that whenever we walk through the ghetto. It's nice to have you run away, though. Ghetto is an inappropriate term, by inappropriate term. Oh, really? Yeah

Where the where the project where they live? Where they live I would say I would want to slap sister Dolores the handler writing teacher who slapped me, you know But fuck her she doesn't deserve the attention. Whoa, you just gave it to her Oh, you said her name multiple times. She doesn't deserve the attention. You just gave it to her. You just said her name multiple times. I know. God damn it. She's dead, though. I bet you would rail on her. I bet you'd take your big dick out and just fuck her. That's what you know. Just fucking dig her up

and slap her skeleton. We did not say that was off limits. But no, I would slap X, man. He was this drug dealer in Tallahassee. It was a real pain in my side. I was thinking about smacking that drug dealer who used to live next to us when we first moved to New York. In the ghetto? In the ghetto.

Oh, Kalani. Kalani. Kalani was a fucking piece of shit. We had this next door neighbor. He was the worst piece of shit ever. And I was thinking about making him my slap. But, you know. Yeah, Kalani's fucking garbage.

Oh, my God. Another one is probably fucking underground. Another drug dealer that let you down. What did X do that made him such a pain in your side? Oh, X was always trying to get it all. He was trying to get everything so cheap all the time and always trying to get us to bring down the prices. And he always threatened us.

He would pretend to be George Clinton sometimes. And he would call him, like, oh, it's George, I'm outside. I was like, alright, come in. Then it would just be him. What the fuck are you doing here, ex? He was mad. He was a horrible person. Classic. We've all been through that. That's great. Marcus, normally we declare a winner.

I guess in this scenario, the person who gets to actually go back in time and slap them in some bizarre sort of fantasy realm, who wins? Actually, I think I'm going to give it to you. Oh, okay. I think I'm going to give it to you. That's two weeks in a row. You never win.

That's two weeks in a row I fucking won this shit. Did you get pussy tonight? You're going to slap Banks. Yeah, out of all the people that were sitting here, the person that sounds like they need to slap the most would be banks. And I feel bad because I kind of feel bad for him now. Why? I'm going to slap the fuck out of that dude. But he's doing great.

He's got all the money. He's got all the donkey hands. All right, it doesn't matter. Okay, so that's been this episode of Roundtable of Gentlemen. And what a fun episode it's been. It was very fun. Yes. Thank you so much for being here, Keith.

Thank you so much for being here. Chemda. Thanks for returning your phone. Oh, no. Who you so much for being here. Chemda. Oh. Thanks for returning your phone. Now who's the piece of shit? And now his phone's fucking cocked. Of course, you guys know Keith and the Girl. Check out their podcast.

If you have not, I'm sure you have. It's a wonderful podcast. The whole network. The whole network. That's correct. You guys got any new shows? Keith and the Girl. What?

You got any new shows on the network? We post episodes five days a week. We don't. Oh, we do. We have Hot Mess. They're on our network right now. Cool. And they do 10-minute messes.

It's Andrea Allen and Emily Lubin who are hilarious. And they reveal things about their guests that are completely inappropriate. Go to Keithandthegirl.com for more. Rock and roll. All right. Awesome. Jackie, you can find Jackie onirl.com for more. Rock and roll. All right, awesome. Jackie, you can find Jackie on Twitter. Do we do the Twitter thing anymore?

Yeah, but I got Pfeffers up my ass. Who fucking cares? Yeah, who cares? Eddie's on Twitter. I'm building the Instagram. Twitter's fine. I got the Twitter, people. Everyone's on Instagram.

I'm on Instagram. We got to bump it up. Three weeks. Eddie Tunes. Let's get it, man. I have a ticket pictures of all kinds of shit. Good, I'm happy. All right.

I'm a penkisel on Twitter. Marcus Parks. Talented photographer. You're very talented. Marcus, you're on Instagram at Marcus Parks. Holden, you do Twitch, right? Twitch. Holden Hader's hoe on Twitch.

All right. Very good. Yeah. And Keith, anything you want to plug? Anything you want to talk about? Yeah, I'm good. I'm Keith. I want to plug at Keith and the girl on all social media.

She did so much more work than you did. She's good. She's good. Including Instagram. This is why the relationship didn't work. Oh, my goodness. All right. We're not done.

There's such many more things. Goodbye, everybody. Bye. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.